@@Vivi_9 Spreading the truth does not rage on a political channel. The issue is a humanitarian issue greater than a political one. The English political media is the most despicable of media. The truth must branch out for fear of brainwashing future generations. As a girl of Arab origin and reality, I must spread this, so that it will not be lost from people’s eyes and They return to indulge in worldly desires and abandon the truth. Muslims are here to spread the truth, with my very great respect
Lana, can we be friends? I'm serious! I'm very easy to talk to. I'm a lawyer in the US, and it's always good to be friends with a lawyer, kinda like its good to know an expert home repair person or a special financial advisor or accountant. It's helpful! Also I live in the US, but my parents were immigrants, so I've thought tons and tons about the USA, good and otherwise. I know you are very very very smart, but if you had questions/concerns about the US, I would be I think a solid resource to talk about the US. I know you quite literally have one million followers+. But, anyway, let's be friends. :)
I agree with you on “low maintenance friendships “. Too often I have felt that I wasn’t a priority, and afraid of being labeled needy if I expressed this. The fact is, I enjoy your company and miss it. Life is supposed to be about family AND friends.
One of the major signs of success is that you make your friends and family a priority in your life. If you don't have that then you might possibly not have your shit together.
But why do you need to be the priority in someone's else's life? I would only expect that from a parent when I was a child, or a spouse. I don't expect to be the priority my friends life. I find that odd. Or maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're saying
@@necabibi3558 In the same way people prioritize their spouse, some might do that with a friend. Mind you, this is usually reserved for friends you actually consider such, the closest ones, and I dare say, most importantly, for a true "best friend". Prioritization is all about putting your focus on something, and this may happen with a friend during hard times, spending quality time with them etc. We all apply some sort of prioritization to people closest to us, becayse we love them and we want to show that, and the stronger the love, the more we want to put them on the spotlight. And there are some friendships that reach the same level of closeness as you might with a spouse; it is not surprising to see this sort of prioritization with such friendships, where they also see each other as a number 1 priority; it's a natural consequence of their closeness, and the love it brings
Currently seeing all my friendships fade to dust 4 years after finishing uni, hurts when you thought these were gonna be your life long friends, and they make less and less effort to see you as much as you want to see them
@@g_factking Not necessarily, it's been nearly 5 years since and we stayed very close, seeing and talking to each other regularly, we are all turning 25 and I guess people have other priorities now, I understand but honestly, this feeling sucks.
"They make less and less effort" Mayhaps they are going through personal hardships or growth focusing on themselves to focus on others. I wouldn reprimand them for living their lives. If you were truly meant to be friends then you will find each other again and reconnect, the time lost wth each other can be regained... it isnt fair to them or yourself holding that against them. I truly believe we are meant to meet differt people throughout our lives but that doesnt mean they will stay with us forever. Learn to let go.
To everyone who said a friend is someone who doesn't judge you, don't be mistaken. Those are flatterers not friends, real friends call you on your shit and don't validate your awful toxic traits, a real friend is a thorn in your side. If you want an enabler then a flatterer will be perfect and revel and watch your downfall all while faux consoling you. A friend will say, get your shit together, hes an asshole, block him.
Everyone judges, whether it's unspoken or not - because judgments can also be favorable, despite modern connotations. I think what they actually mean is someone who shares their values.
Judging someone means thinking a negative thought about them. And that is not loving. However being truthful in a direct, clear, KIND and non-judgmental way is good.
low maintenance friendships are…complicated. friendships that i really value that can be mistaken for low maintenance friendships are the type of friendships where you’re like cousins. you might not talk for months, but when you’re reunited it’s like you were never apart. not siblings, just…cousins. :)
I am staring 63 in the face. I have five solid friends. One, I've known 50 years. Two, I've known 44 years. One, I've known 32 years. One, I've known 5 years. I talk to the more recent friends more often, but less specifically. I talk to the older friends less often, but we talk for hours, and very in depth. And it always feels like no time has passed.
You're trying to make friends with the wrong persons then. Also, in order to attract the kind of friends we want we need to be loving to ourselves to a large degree.@@leandroantelo7154
@@leandroantelo7154 speak for yourself! The thing that makes people look at you weird is they can see the desperation in your eyes. If you desire deep connections but don't base your self-worth on whether or not you get them then you'll do fine
The last point you mentioned resonated with me a lot: having always been an introverted loner, I always claimed that I loved solitude and that it didn’t bother me. But in the last few years, I’ve been feeling a constant loneliness that is so deep it’s physically painful at times. Then I’d feel ridiculous bc those two feelings are supposed to be contradictory. But no, they’re different and can coexist. I can enjoy my alone time, but I can also crave physical and emotional connection. Deep down I think I knew this, but I needed the reminder, so thank you ❤
fellow loner here. I’m starting to realize that I need people too. I have a difficult time making friends and an even harder time keeping them. I often feel quite happy to do my own thing, but then I have a nice conversation and it makes me realize what I’m missing.
yess same till HS i was same but one day i accepted my feelings as they were , decided to work on my social anxiety and i still remember how hard it was to approach new people even if they were friendly to you but after all the work i made a bestfriend his friends became my friend not that close but well , but i'm so glad i worked on my social anxiety nd now i have a bestfriend also i have another close friend i made coz i had a crush on them, it didn't work out but i have a close friend i share a deep connection with and i am so grateful for that and i still love being in solitude with me but also at different times want to just talk to my friends.
Been feeling betrayed by few very good friends of mine. Them disrespecting me in front of others, calling out my insecurities when I trusted them with it, and taking me for granted. I have stopped talking to them anymore. We all should cut negativity off from our life.
One of my best friends and I had been considering our friendship “low-maintenance”, but I am realizing that it’s not. We still hang out very often, it’s just we have healthy boundaries with each other, and if one of us isn’t feeling up to something, we can say no and no one is offended. I can be 100% real with her, and if there is judgement, I know where she is coming from, so I can respect her advice.
This sounds healthy to me. But what's the difference between that and a low maintenance friend though? I think I'm misunderstanding what a low maintenance friends is
oh my god. i am so thankful you brought up the thing about low-maintenance friendships becoming too glorified these days. it's an excuse to not put effort into friendships. when, in fact, every relationship requires effort to stay solid. there should be a mutuality there. 'cause, if you don't take care of it and give proper attention, it will fizzle out. and you can easily go back to being strangers or acquaintances
This perspective draws from evolutionary biology, women face challenges in forming genuine friendships stem from intra-female competition for resources and mate. In a contemporary context, the observation is made that women's conversations often prioritize validation over honest feedback, potentially hindering personal growth. The argument implies that the fear of bettering someone else through honest feedback might be linked to a perceived threat to one's own resources, such as social status, skills, job, salary and mate. A sentiment shared by many females and males. However, there are friendships that breaks these rule, the kind of selfless,self aware, unconditional support between two people is a very rare quality. Those kind of quality goes against our primitive lower base survival program. I have given up looking for those friendships. Heck even your own family has the Inherent competitive program. If people do find those friendships then it is godsend, they should count themselves lucky.
Integrity. Loyalty. Love. Those are qualities of a true friend. I don’t need to see them for 5 years and still give them a huge hug kind of friend because we KNOW each other.
I have friend groups where we've known each other for years but we aren't close. I've come to accept that some friends are only "hang out friends". For some reason, that friendship just won't grow. We're cordial. I show up to their parties or weddings. I believe these friendships are important too but they can taxing.
@@mtngrl5859oh damn! exactly... My god, you're literally few of people knew this exact status .. i also noticed that Nobody ever use that word adult generation after 2006.. from stranger to friend that quick over a months or year? like seriously it doesn't work that way...
The phrase "low maintenance friendship" is a contradiction in itself. Because friendships are meant to be maintained. If that's the case, you may as well just call them like how you call your coworkers in a company, cause honestly what's the difference then? If anything, if you're someone that prefers low maintenance friendships over lasting, "high maintenance" ones, then that tells me you got commitment/trust issues.
🐢 it's better to be alone than with wrong friends.My friends left me while I was going through depression and they starting blaming me and saying that I am using depression for attention when I opened up.i thought of taking my own life now after 4 years no msgs , no calls and me being alone
This is exactly what a friend of mine experiences. One of his friendgroups developed to a clique and they made his depressions worse. Fortunately you can decide which people affect your life and which don‘t. So you can sort out people that hurt you in any way and keep the ones that make you flourish.
Somewhere along the way I began to think.. Holy shit maybe I shouldn't self isolate so hard... And maybe I should actually try to pursue romantic relationships too instead of being weird and trying to avoid it like the plague.. and then I thought about astrology my favorite topic and mine.. and also found yours and There is some similarities but I am a complete anomaly if you knew my life story you would be like no way this is real but it is xD ... And Then I tried reaching out to you but Idk I guess u didn't care [ Also I'm sometimes a very impatient Aries moon xDDD ] @@LanaBlakely
This makes me sad. I'm 22 and I haven't had any friends for 10 years. I never learned how to maintain friendships or what to talk about. I'm to anxious to have a normal conversation with strangers/neighbors. I did not always feel the need for friends, but i regret that, because I'm stuck alone. I feel like almost everyone has a friend they had since childhood or teens.. I sometimes feel as if it is too late.
Same here- I do have a very close friend from childhood but live overseas now. The past 14 years I have had one close friend and she moved back home to have children. I now just rely on my husband to make friends as he grew up in the city I moved to. It’s just not the same though. I’m a sahm so it can be very isolating. Looking for a part time job so I can be more social .
I have no friends from my childhood(5-18 years old). I had school friends, and they fizzled by my early 20s, had college friends, and they also faded after a couple of years. I have one friend of 25 years, who i met at work.
@@spiritlance364 It depends. I think that it is important to not expect anything from people to avoid disappointment. Also, I have a friend with autism, and I realize I act differently with him because I don't expect him to be really empathetic and compassionate and I have never been disappointed by him. I just try to be for him without expecting anything in return, without expecting him to write me when I feel bad because I know that he won't act like me. He is not neurotypical, so I don't expect him to act neurotypically. After knowing this, when other friends make me feel bad or they are not there for me when I need them (even though I am always available to that person) I start to think about how that person acts with other people, for example with their family or other friends. Then I realized that even though they are neurotypical, they just don't act like a normal person. So I don't expect them to be normal with me. Of course, there are shitt* and narcissistic people and those who believe they are the main character but most people are good, but they have shitt* problems that make them act weird and not logical with friends. Thanks to that mindset I really don't get any disappointment, because weird people can't act normal haha xD It is funny, it is like an inside joke but it works for me I guess.
@@mangayakposowa4334 That is true but sometimes we expect so much from other people who aren't capable of doing what we expect. We just have to accept people as they are and if we don't feel ok with that we can leave that friendship behind. But first, we need to be a good friend to set standards for other people. For example, if I want a friend who understands me, doesn't judge me, and stays with me in the bad times I need to do the same first, I cannot expect something that I'm not willing to give. If I manage to be a good friend, then two things will happen, they will become a good friend or they will not. If they are not reciprocal with me is because maybe they don't like me that much, they are shitt* people and just want to get an advantage or they aren't capable of doing it. If those "friends" don't like me or they are shitt* people I just must RUN from that kind of relationship. But if they aren't capable because they have some issues but they just don't know it or they are narcissistic, they have like trust issues, avoidant attachment or so. So you can't expect normal behavior from them, that's why you can just accept them and deal with them with caution, knowing that you can't expect much from them, or distance yourself from those people. In the end, it is each person's decision, but it all starts with us being what we expect from others.
A big part of my improvement on social connection was cutting out toxic/exploitative people that left me emotionally drained. I didn't realize until recently how bad this was, as it basically left me with no motivation to make new friends. It was a pit. After taking some time to recover from that I'm I'm rekindling old friendships that left a positive impact on me and I'm hoping I can create new ones as well 💙
I started backpacking this past year and made a handful of deep connections I consider as circumstantial friendships. For some of them, we've met up again in different countries while traveling, and for others, I even got to see them again visiting their home cities/countries. Because of the distance and timezone differences, we don't communicate on a regular basis, but I'd like to think they are solid low maintenance friendships!
Okay it's actually very astonishing how this is something that I'm going through right now and I just saw your video and I literally think you made it for me. Love you big sister always 🧡
My best friend completely ghosted me about a month ago. She’s done this twice before. She just disappears and stops responding to messages for weeks or months. Then she texts again and says she wasn’t feeling well and it’s back to normal. I always try to understand and empathise with her but this is the third time she’s done this and it seems selfish but at this point I don’t want to continue the friendship anymore. It sucks because she’s my best friend but this behaviour is wild and I can’t put up with it anymore. She knows everything about me and my life and I don’t even know if I’ll ever hear from her again. This is worse than getting ghosted by a guy.
I had a "friend" like this and it devolved into her unloading her divorce feelings onto me for years without reciprocity until she finally dumped me entirely for being honest about her kid bullying my kid. These are the type of people who are not successful and will bring you down.
Real friendships starts by giving, looking at all those replies to what a friend is seems like people today consider friendship as something to consume rather then an opportunity to give.
I’ve been lucky enough to have remained extremely close to 4 of my high school friends, and I’m extremely grateful, they’re all like brothers/sisters to me, I feel like after high school, it’s a lot harder to make genuine friendships where people actually want to put in the effort in to wanting to get to know you, like yea I’ve met people at college, we go out and all, but it doesn’t really feel like they’re my friends (if that makes sense) my close friends are people that know me personally, know my backstory, my family, and I know them on a personal level as well and even consider them family, with my close friends, I can hang out with them and do something as simple as watch movies at home, play pool, listen to music while we converse about stuff, go to a park and just walk around, and we’ll have an extremely fun time, but with acquaintances and casual friends, I feel like we have to go clubbing or something hedonistic (like drugs, drinking, hooking up, etc.) in order to have “fun”, I can’t converse with them about the same thing I would with my closer friends, I don’t know if it’s my fear of abandonment, but I really hate getting attached to people after they open up to me, opening up to someone to me is a sign that usually someone really confides in you, but no, sometimes those people just wanna hear themselves talk and want someone to hear them, doesn’t matter who it is, and a lot of people seem to do that a lot now at days, just use you as a free therapist smh, anyway, close friends that genuinely care about you and that you have an extremely close brother/sister-like bond are one in a million, and I am extremely grateful for those friends, I cherish them every single day and I let them know how much they mean to me, even when we don’t see each other often, getting a message from them every now and then checking up on me makes me whole week.
You worded it so well what I've been feeling dang. I too have abandonment/attachment issues. When people open up to me I assume they want to be closer friends but when it's a stranger and they do it while inebriated I find it hard to know if their intentions are to just vent or to open up to me. There was a time my brother had invited me to drink at a bar and told me it's a good way for me to make friends there. I told him at the time it's not for me to go to bars and shizz and that for me it's really for forming friendships most of the time because during drinking parties most people were there to just have a good time. He blew up at me and started reprimanding me and I couldn't really say why at the time. Maybe to him it's like I was saying something offensive about his friends, but I was just saying that I was looking to find close friends and not just acquaintances.
I really appreciate your videos. I’m a woman going through depression and loneliness. I really tried to find relatable videos relating to loneliness, not specifically for women, but just like a video like this. But everything always relates to the male loneliness epidemic, and it saddened me that I couldn’t find something like this. It almost feels like my loneliness isn’t a valid feeling. So, I thank you for sharing your experiences. It really means a lot to me ❤ I wish there were more videos like these out there.
I think your points are great but there’s one thing that I would like to reflect on after experiencing it myself- circumstantial friendships, especially the ones where your partners friends become yours, can evolve. The way everyone makes friends is different and there are people who are always going to be grateful to have you in their life even if you split with the person who introduced you to them.Friendships are so interesting and they mean different things for everybody ❤ love your content Lana!
Can we also address the fact that low maintenance friendships can also be traumatizing? i mean, there probably was a time where we used to be talking regularly and be so close with them, but when time, indifferences, distance, and new environments interefered - it shifted to this kind of friendship and we are just left wondering why it turned out to be like that. If the other friend is totally fine not talking to you for weeks, months, or even years, that is a red flag for me already. I have been wanting to get myself out of the equation, but i do not know where or how to start with. SOS please lol
I have been that person who would not message for years but perhaps end up missing their presence and end up texting and most of the things get back to track. Remember when you say that the other person didn't message you, that means you didn't either. So likely you both were having the same thought of ignoring each other. And that person equally remembers you as much as you do. However if you have been constantly messaging them and they are ghosting you. That's a red flag
ı actually agree on you. cause we as a close friend want them to be close too. and if that person getting away from you thats the time for you to accept and just move on because its true that youre not gonna be happy wıth that frıend. ıts always gonna be annoyıng for you. ı had a frıend like this and ı talked with her that ı am not happy wıth her anymore and just to be happy ı have to finish our friendship. so take it as a relationship and just talk to her. and dont forget ıts always you thats matter.
"Traumatizing" is a very strong word for this bordering on inappropriate. It is disappointing, sad, and sometimes can be depressing but certainly not traumatizing to realize that a friend is falling out of touch with you.
I haven‘t watched the video yet but yes I‘ve been saying the low maintenance thing. It‘s so annoying that people normalise not really having friends. If u actually only talk once every 3 months what do u get from that friendship. I want to feel like I experience life together with my friends, like they are my community
Dear Lana, When I watch your videos, I always feel like I have a friend, an older sister, that I always wanted to have. Even now, when no one friend is left by my side, I feel that somewhere there is someone who understands me. Thank you for that🧡☀️
Thank you, this helped me better understand my recent friendship breakup. We had been friends for 10+ years and, were there for each other through many life changes, always hung out, bouncing ideas off each other, and generally enjoying each other's company (or so I thought). It turns out I was just a friend of utility to him while I thought we were lifelong friends. Eventually he kept telling me how he prefers his friendships to be "low maintenance" and you know how it goes from there. I always heard about things like "friends for a season" but never understood why it had to be that way. Knowing the types of friendships is more helpful and less confusing to help navigate these relationships.
Hmmm, can't say that i agree that "low maintenance" friendships is a bad thing necessarily. It totally depends on the stage on what the friendship with the person has evolved. The best friendships for me personally is "low maintenance" atm as a 32 year old man. I have 7 close friends who are like brothers to me for about 20 years soon. We meet maybe about 3 times a year, and other than that we focus on our spouses, family stuff etc. I have 2 of them as "closer" friends than the others however as time have passed, (that i hang out/talk with more). But just because we doesn't hangout all the time like we used in the past, doesn't mean we're not as close as we once were. Immediately when we meet, everything is like usual. So "low mantience friendship" isn't always bad, if it goes both ways.
I can only have my low-maintenance friendships. I understand your comment. My husband and children are my priority and aging mother. It's impossible to see friends all the time at this stage of life (52). Best wishes to you.
I can relate. Because the friendship has a good solid foundation, in your case 20 years of friendship. Same with me, I saw a friend once a week for about a year and we became super close. Then he was travelling a lot, and I travel a lot and went through personal struggles, but even if we talk once a month, it’s really fulfilling. I can’t be texting you every day, or even once a week. It’s just too much at times, even with the friends I love to pieces. I just have a low social need.
I'm honestly so tired. I’ve brought up people forgetting me before and being hurt over people forgetting my bday, and instead of people wanting to do better I’m told I’m asking too much and that a message of “miss u let’s hang” every 6 months that ppl don’t reply to counts. After asking questions, checking up, sharing, etc. I’ve distanced but it’s so common now that I struggle. I know we need community and friendships so I’m trying but it’s like nothing I do matters… everything is me acting wrong. Idk. I’m prob going to delete this in a bit but I’m just sad.
I think my heart just stopped having any real connection or a real friendship with anyone after joining my college...its just smiles , handshakes, studies. I feel empty when I think about my college friends whereas my school friends make me feel like home and I can just be there without any formalities....btw great video
The word “friend” reminds me of “love.” They’re both umbrella terms that have been stretched to a point where they’ve lost the ability to be meaningfully descriptive. At 37 I’ve pretty much given up the idea of describing what a friend is. There are too many dilemmas involved. For example, if your friend confides in you about a financial difficulty, are you obligated to offer them help (if you have the means)? Are you really their friend if you don’t? On the flip side, would you hide your financial difficulties from a friend because you don’t want them to feel obligated to help? If you can’t confide in each other that much, are you really friends?
I really love your perspective on friendships. I wish I could show you the bizzare world of friendships that I experience in my fandom where we debate over whether things are "cliques" because they are intentionally exclusionary, or become exclusionary by the sheer volume of people that cannot all be accomidated
I found life has been the opposite for me. I was too busy in my school years to spend a lot of time with friends. Due to my learning disability, evenings and days off were filled with homework and studying. Once I got out of high school, I felt I had more time to hang out with friends on my days off from work, only for my friends to be too busy with work and university. Once university was over, they were busy with family. There was never that right time in life for me and my friends to both have time to visit.
Agree on some points but not all. I need a friend that is on the same emotional wavelength. That understands when I cancel plans because of my anxiety and the other way around. I can be flaky but it’s never because I don’t want to see my friends but because how I feel at that time/need of alone time. Because friendsships, it takes alot of understanding and real care for each other. I don’t think everybody need high maintenance friendships and it all depends on who we are and our values and needs
Agreed I just had this conversation with my mom which is where I get this tendency from. Everyone has different needs. As long as the people in the relationship are satisfied with the level of connection and relationship it doesn’t really matter
You should meet people halfway. Don’t overextend yourself but start thinking about how such a hyper individualized culture and weaponization of therapyspeak can enable people to be militantly protective of their own energy or “boundaries” at the detriment of their relationships and consolidating connections .
I've made quite the opposite experience with male/female friends: male friends for me are much more complicated, since there is always the issue of romantizizing the friendship or someone being hurt. With women (although I'm bisexual) this barely happens to me.
Something in your final thoughts resonates with me. I am in that phase where I'm starting to want more meaning in friendships. Now I find myself needing to nurture my longstanding friendships because I have been in very low maintenance over the past decade. I still thrive in solitude, but I just feel like - perhaps because of a pandemic - that socializing and quality time are far in between. More than it used to be.
I hear you and I agree that modern low-maintenance friendship isn't good enough. I think we could all benefit from closer friendships and some accountability to each other. But genuinely, work, errands, family, my own need for alone time, spending time with my partner - all of it takes time away from hanging out with friends and doing nothing together. Particularly as I get older. Texting is another task to tackle and people are becoming more and more within their own circle. Planning an evening out with a group is a nightmare and leads to disappointment a lot of the time. How do we make steps to get better?
I’m in grad school - I take classes, I’m conducting a thesis, I work both as a research assistant in a lab and a teaching assistant. I NEED low maintenance friendships. Besides my responsibilities and friendships, I also have hobbies, household responsibilities, a romantic partner, my immediate and extended family, pets to take care of, a workout routine to maintain, etc. I personally cannot give my ALL to my friendships right now, I simply can’t. If my friends don’t like it, that’s their right to leave. Yet all of them stick by me, support me, and are so happy when we finally get that time to hangout or FaceTime. Real friends are not perfect. I’m not perfect, my friends aren’t perfect. Real friends have lives outside of you and it’s not personal. Maybe this doesn’t work for all people, but I love my tight circle of low maintenance friendships. Maybe this doesn’t work or resonate for others, it also might be because I’m neurodivergent, but I feel connected and at peace and that’s what matters to me.
I think there is also a codependency friendship, a friendship of hurt. Sadly it usually feels like a mix of activity based (since you come to them to gossip, talk badly about others, show your trauma and feed to it) and absolute friendship (since trauma is accepted and actually supported it this friendship and you both want to keep it hurting for each other, but also validate the hurt of the other). The worst type. Can sometimes turn into a good one, but for that both of people need to grow up and change a lot, separately. That’s not that popular. And media supports trauma friendships a lot, since trauma is a perfect base for drama.
I wish I could have you in my life as my sister of best friend. You can soothe my overthinking mind. Please never stop posting, i love listening to you just talk it's idk so calming
Friends do judge...constructively. Looking back, the "real" friends were the ones willing to say the truth on their minds and in their hearts; the ones who just spoke pleasantries and to be "nice" were usually not that committed to the friendship. A friend will risk speaking truthfully and honestly even if it might end the friendship, because what is a friendship without authenticity. That's not to say be a jerk, but to be free to be yourself. One a side note, mindfulness helps with loneliness and anxiety, books like 30 Days to Reduce Anxiety by Harper Daniels have been a nice relief.
I read a comment somewhere which said that even those who don’t have any friends still dont want to be friends with others who don’t have friends and I couldn’t agree more with that statement because as someone who has been dealing with loneliness I have attended support groups and community meetups for those looking to make new friends but still I found it difficult to connect with anyone and it seemed like people were either struggling with social anxiety like myself or they would rather seek friendships with people who do have a lot of friends so they can be part of their circle.
I'm in this weird state of mind right now where I keep trying to deny the high likelihood that I have social anxiety. Despite having the same symptoms and experiences that define social anxiety, and despite historically (and currently) struggling to form genuine bonds with people because of it, I'm afraid of letting it completely take over my identity. I fear going to therapy and getting "confirmation" via a diagnosis, even though I know therapy ultimately helps. Anyway, I just think this video was a bit of an eye-opener. I'm currently 20, and it feels like I should be at an age where I'm forming my opinions on the various types of friendships and bonds one can have with others, and learning from different situations, but because of social anxiety, I'm not even getting exposed to these things to begin with. It feels as if I'm an empty shell of a human who's yet to experience anything of life. That's the loneliest part of all this, I think.
I’m a first time visitor to the channel and I enjoyed the video as a whole, but I particularly wanted to shout out the editing on the segment where you showed responses to your Instagram questions and they appeared in time with the music. Such a small little thing that I know takes an outsized amount of time, so I wanted you to know it doesn’t go unnoticed!
You just opened my eyes especially to the low maintenance friendship. And I feel guilty because I have that type of friendship and it's also a friendship that I do cherish because she is my best friend. Your thoughts on low maintenance friendship encouraged me to put more effort into my friendships especially with my best friends.
I'm a 25 year old guy, and friendships have been pretty sparse throughout my life. At this point, I only have maybe one friend who I've known since I was 10. A lifelong brother, but even this friendship is quite dormant these days. I was closed off from friendships as a teen due to depression from family issues. Everything else resembling a friendship fizzled out into nothing. I'm still waiting for the elusive "true friendship" or one that can last, but at this point, I'm convinced it doesn't exist anymore. As an introvert, it's tough for me to always be the one initializing and making an effort in every single friendship, but that's what every friendship demands of me, because nowadays everyone is all take and no give. People just aren't worth my effort anymore until I see someone actually trying to be my friend. The 'low-maintenance' section hit the nail on the head. People only care about their 'main character' journey.
Other than my husband, I have no friends anymore. Ever since I was 18, all of my friendships were based around partying but I stopped drinking and partying over 5 years ago and all of my friendships faded away. They are basically just acquaintances on social media now. I am sure if I started drinking again and met them out at bars and parties, they would welcome me back but I don't ever want to drink again. I went to AA and other recovery support groups but just can't seem to form close friendships based on living a life of sobriety. I long for close, healthy, female friendships but I don't know how to move from acquaintance to friend (have hundreds of acquaintances and don't need to meet more people!)
Low maintanence friendship with healthy attachment and dynamic is much better than high maintanence friendship with unchecked toxicity. Some people with unhealthy attachment and unchecked separation anxiety will hang around for not the best reason and that should not be confused with true friendship. They could be together 24/7 but in a less than healthy dynamic with each other.
00:06 Reflection on different types of friendships and experiences 02:24 Misconceptions in friendships 04:37 Different types of friendships: utility, pleasure, and virtue 07:25 True friendship is based on shared virtue and takes time to build. 09:53 Past friendships hold special significance 12:32 Low maintenance friendships are often just acquaintances in disguise. 15:03 Social hesitation in expressing desire for more contact with friends 17:19 Romantic relationships bring unique commitments and challenges. 19:20 Friendships evolve into active, dormant, or commemorative categories. 21:18 Recognize and address social anxiety to avoid missing out on opportunities 23:26 Changes in friendships may lead to loneliness
Hi Lana! Been an old subscriber but this video resonates with me strongly, especially since it hits me when friends started drifting apart and when I started questioning the few last friendships I still have. I just wanted you to know that I would love a video about female friendships. At this point in my life, in my early 20s, as a woman, I have very mixed feelings about them. In highschool I was surrounded by boys and my friends were mostly boys. After some time, I realised that they are not too relatable and, also, really immature (I think I liked the validation and attention tbh). So I started pursuing girl friends. And they were strong, in the beginning. I really liked being surrounded by girls, I left behind the pick-me era and became less interested in boys opinions. But… somehow, these relationships became very challenging… I won’t go into details, but I am really excited to see the video, if you decide to make it. Anyways, in the end, they all left. Relationships, other friends, different activities etc. And I tried keeping the friendships alive, but it was effort only from one side. So yeah, here I am, at the age of 21 with very few friends left - boys and girls. But I don’t see myself sharing the same values as them nor spend enough time with them, since they don’t have it, to form a deeper connection. I would love for you to make that video. I am also going to therapy, and I remember telling her that I want female friends. That I want to form strong bonds with some girls. And she told me that it’s very hard and most of them are very toxic, so I have to learn how to make a best friend out of me, because, especially from now on, there will be more acquaintances than friends.
Friendship is something that it's really hard, especially for people that have social anxiety. I know something about it. I found difficulties to express myself through my voice and i never asked to my friends how are they. Because of my anxiety i didn't write first during conversation on social medias. I always blamed myself for everything. That friendship is something that depends on you only. But i was wrong. Being a podcaster, a musician and UA-camr made me understand that i don't need to care much what people think and do my own thing. But when you have social anxiety becomes difficult. Even having friendships results really hard. I was constanly blaming myself or my friends if they were not writing or i was not writing. I struggled a lot to find friends because not many people want to deal with insecure, shy and introverted ones. Friendship nowadays is rare and it hurts to admit that. People seem to only care about their own duties and private lives and not caring at all. It's sad but it's where our society is going. About the video i admire your honesty and your studies about an argument like friendships.
I never really had stable friend growing up, i was alienated because i didn't fit into the culture that was around me. Plus problems at home also contributed to the problem. I tried getting friends at work but its a mess, i advise to never make friends with your coworkers. Right now, i managed to find some friends online so it helps a little. Trying to broaden my horizons, so I'm willing to meet more new people if anyone wants a friend.
I'm 18, in my first year of University. This video has made me think so much about the kinds of friendships I've created in the past 6 months, all you say makes soo much sense. Thankyou so much for the video, and yesss please make one specifically on female friendshippsss!!!
So much food for thought here and your videos have such mesmerising beauty and depth Lana. Friendship for me can be challenging because I have 6 chronic illnesses so I find it impossible to keep up with texting/messages/ calls so I constantly feel like I'm not enough for people. Thankfully I have a small handful of souls that truly adore me and who I cherish beyond words too. There are then SO many people I WISH I could give more to but there is this surrender in me that I cannot do more with the current body I have. Would love more videos on modern friendships Lana lots of love to you all ❤xoxo
This video made me think about the friendships again and know that having right friends around us is such an important thing to continue growing and shining in this world! ✨ Thank you Lana for this great video! xx 💕💗✨
I also notice that in today's day in age, a lot of people are on their cell phones a lot and it's difficult to strike up a conversation with anyone due to people being glued to a screen. In the past, a lot of friendships were made on the bus, bus stops or at work. I notice on the bus and during breaks in the lunch room, so many people are on their phones and it's difficult to have a conversation and build friendships when people aren't even paying attention in the first place.
Ugh, unfortunately thats so true, that happens everywhere I go when I'm out in public especially when I'm in any public buses, it's disturbing as fuck and it's not normal
I think all relationships are unique in their mechanics. I'm neurodivergent, and most of my good friends are neurodivergent, so a lot of the sensationalized low-effort mantras of the day are genuinely things we need to utilize to keep ourselves on track; acceptance in that area has been a godsend for me. However, I will agree that some people are selfish about this, as they simply don't want to put in the effort that true friendship demands. It does really all boil down to effort; is this person putting as much effort into keeping this friendship as I am? And if not, why am still putting in that effort? If you've communicated your expectations, and they're still not responding in a way that creates that mutual enjoyment which is CRITICAL for healthy relationships (aside from them genuinely going through some intesne stuff) then maybe its time to consider letting go.
A friend is someone that you can rely on who doesn't ask anything in return when you need help and is always there during your sad times simple as that.
"Our sens of duty to one another is diminishing" YES. I strongly feel you when you said that. As I grow up I become more and more loyal towards my friendships and I thought I was being the "boring one" when I would get upset because someone would cancel last minute or just tell me "sorry I will not see you today, it's raining" like WHAT ?! That shocked me many times but now, I know what my values really are. And my real friendhips are people who basically share some important values that I too have :) It feels like the majority is becoming lazy to put effort in relationships and are too self-obsessed with this idea that "you"re perfect as you are, the problem is the other". I just love your video, your ideas are so well said, thank you Lana ! I'm just happy to connect to your mind through this video :)
Wow, I've seen lots of your videos (yeah, I'm subscribed to your channel), but all over this time I had NO idea, that English isn't your native language. You're so fluent, I'm so delighted! Please, give a couple of tips for someone who wants to speak English as fast and smooth as you!!
Currently writing a memoir and friendships is a big theme for me that I feel deserves its own chapter. It's the chapter I'm currently on. This should spark some inspo in my writing. Thank you! ❤
Friendships are only possible when we are still pure ( ignorant), in childhood that is, after that it's all about self interest and survival. Natural developement I guess...
"Friendships of pleasure". FWB? Most, if not all my friendships are "low maintenance" friendships. I've known him for 34 years. We actually had a discussion, about this very topic. I asked him, if it bothered him, that I rarely talk to him, during the year. He said no, he asked me the same question, I said no. We both seem to understand that life gets in the way. We hangout once a year, for a 3 day weekend. Good times. I don't get why it's such a big deal.
It's not a big deal to avoidantly or securely attached. It's triggering for anxiously attached people who didn't receive enough oxytocin from being held and supported by their caregivers growing up.
I have been experiencing for a while and I never had social anxiety. I have become a loner and a hermit because of all the assloes out there. I need to find better freinds.
Very insightful. Thank you for being honest about your own personal experiences, and for talking about a subject that more people should talk about. My two cents… Everybody should have fun friends (shared interests), acquaintances, and lifelong friends. A lifelong friend is a friend (non-relative) that would get MAD at you when they found out that you had a flat tire at 2 AM in the morning, during a snow storm, and didn’t call them for help. You’re lucky if you have one or two friends like that.
Low maintenance friendships and situationships have ruined society; many don’t care any more to build meaningful connections 😢 I agree that the ‘main character syndrome’ and society leaning towards individualism has had an effect on many’s abilities to socialize
All real friendships don't require maintenance if you are honest with yourself because if they were about "maintanance" they wouldn't be friendships. If you spend time with a person or a group just to "maintain" you're working and not enjoying so it's not ment to be. If the horse is dead theres no point in riding it. I have friends I barely see (like 1-2 times a year, sometimes longer) yet when we meet it's just like we've met yesterday. When you are compatible with another human it doesn't matter how often you see them or not. Thinking that people owe some sort of effort to maintain a friendship or relationship is plain wrong and delusional.
But do really have a friend if all the friends you do have you barely interact with aren't you basically alone at that point no matter what compatibility you may share they aren't really involved in your life
We are centers of our own Universes, the entire Universe exists because you exist, this is true for every single " living" thing that exists, and, since we are eternal beings, you will return forever until you figure out that what you do to others you will have to live out... So, do right by others, it all comes around, like a ton of bricks...we all have greatness within us...strive to be the best you can, improve every day, and help others in kind...then enjoy life in a healthy manner, as long as you don't impose on others, and it's that simple... Best wishes... -ER x
It's called sovereignty, call it whatever you will we're in global war, hope everyone been training militarily for the last 10 years, many of US have...and main character syndrome is term created in modern times, many of the greatest civil defense force leaders in history were main characters for their communities...we need more it not less...what was stated was a noble statement, your issue is that you think too low of yourself, then project that insecurity upon others, and the potential greatness in them...Have a great day trolling someone else...
Female friendship is so hard for me. I grew up with men and i feel so weird with women. I really look like a clumsy chandler when I try to befriend another woman. On top of it I look rather good and many see me as competition which isnt helping. Meanwhile male friends are bound to end (either they fall in love or try something, or they date someone who doesnt let them hang out)
i have depression and anxiety disorder i am alone also all my girlfriends were unloyal to me and lied to me and all of my friends start to leave me because i dont want to do their things...DONT BE AFRAID and be brave you are not alone!
This topic gives me fomo which probably shouldn’t. It very complicated how friendship is viewed seeing those replies you showed in the video. It seems to me like friendship is something of a goal to be had as opposed to something you just make in pursuit of some other goal. Simply wanting friends just seems like it’s always gonna turn out sad.
Great video in general and looking forward to the follow up to the bit at 16:53. As a guy it's pretty difficult to maintain friendships with large groups of girls because the communication has a tendency to get so covert and intense. It gets really emotionally toxic really fast. I've found friendships across gender boundaries work a lot better when it's more direct and less people are involved, and one of my closest friends in present seasons is a woman, but there's no toxic rumor mill crap there. My general mantra on friends is that a tight circle of high quality friends will serve you better than maintaining a large number of low effort friends. I'm also very family oriented too.
What i struggle with is coming to realization that the way i think of my friends is how they dont think of me. I can consider one of my friend's a best friend, and it turns out im only their friend and nothing more.
14:36 Personaly I don’t like the idea of low maintenance friendships bc with every relationship you need to take care and work on it. You can’t for example have a low maintenance romantic relationship, then why your friendships (which sometimes add more meaning into your life)
@@FoundSheep-ANRight, but as she said about low maintence friendships, they eventually turn out to be just acquaintances. Just as these low effort romantic affairs turn out eventually to not even be in your life at all
I've watched a few of your videos & every time I tend to get locked into it. The video catches me so much it ends too early almost, it feels like. Time really flies when I've watched them.
#ad The first 500 people to use my link will receive a one month free trial of Skillshare skl.sh/lanablakely01241
First comment ❤
@@Simple_girl.2 if you want politics watch the news …🙃
@@Simple_girl.2 this isn't a political channel and most reasonable people understand they are the victims of an oppressor with infinite backing
@@Vivi_9 Spreading the truth does not rage on a political channel. The issue is a humanitarian issue greater than a political one. The English political media is the most despicable of media. The truth must branch out for fear of brainwashing future generations. As a girl of Arab origin and reality, I must spread this, so that it will not be lost from people’s eyes and They return to indulge in worldly desires and abandon the truth. Muslims are here to spread the truth, with my very great respect
Lana, can we be friends? I'm serious! I'm very easy to talk to. I'm a lawyer in the US, and it's always good to be friends with a lawyer, kinda like its good to know an expert home repair person or a special financial advisor or accountant. It's helpful! Also I live in the US, but my parents were immigrants, so I've thought tons and tons about the USA, good and otherwise. I know you are very very very smart, but if you had questions/concerns about the US, I would be I think a solid resource to talk about the US. I know you quite literally have one million followers+. But, anyway, let's be friends. :)
I agree with you on “low maintenance friendships “. Too often I have felt that I wasn’t a priority, and afraid of being labeled needy if I expressed this. The fact is, I enjoy your company and miss it. Life is supposed to be about family AND friends.
That may be what life is supposed to be for you, but it is entirely subjective, be aware of that.
You have to find ppl who feel the same way
One of the major signs of success is that you make your friends and family a priority in your life. If you don't have that then you might possibly not have your shit together.
But why do you need to be the priority in someone's else's life? I would only expect that from a parent when I was a child, or a spouse. I don't expect to be the priority my friends life. I find that odd. Or maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're saying
@@necabibi3558 In the same way people prioritize their spouse, some might do that with a friend. Mind you, this is usually reserved for friends you actually consider such, the closest ones, and I dare say, most importantly, for a true "best friend". Prioritization is all about putting your focus on something, and this may happen with a friend during hard times, spending quality time with them etc. We all apply some sort of prioritization to people closest to us, becayse we love them and we want to show that, and the stronger the love, the more we want to put them on the spotlight. And there are some friendships that reach the same level of closeness as you might with a spouse; it is not surprising to see this sort of prioritization with such friendships, where they also see each other as a number 1 priority; it's a natural consequence of their closeness, and the love it brings
Currently seeing all my friendships fade to dust 4 years after finishing uni, hurts when you thought these were gonna be your life long friends, and they make less and less effort to see you as much as you want to see them
it is normal and a common experience
When people graduate they disappear
@@g_factking Not necessarily, it's been nearly 5 years since and we stayed very close, seeing and talking to each other regularly, we are all turning 25 and I guess people have other priorities now, I understand but honestly, this feeling sucks.
"They make less and less effort"
Mayhaps they are going through personal hardships or growth focusing on themselves to focus on others. I wouldn reprimand them for living their lives. If you were truly meant to be friends then you will find each other again and reconnect, the time lost wth each other can be regained... it isnt fair to them or yourself holding that against them. I truly believe we are meant to meet differt people throughout our lives but that doesnt mean they will stay with us forever. Learn to let go.
@@SemekiIzuio Yeah i'm fully aware, just read my follow up for context
To everyone who said a friend is someone who doesn't judge you, don't be mistaken. Those are flatterers not friends, real friends call you on your shit and don't validate your awful toxic traits, a real friend is a thorn in your side. If you want an enabler then a flatterer will be perfect and revel and watch your downfall all while faux consoling you. A friend will say, get your shit together, hes an asshole, block him.
i think a friend can hold you accountable & still be a safe, nonjudgmental space
Everyone judges, whether it's unspoken or not - because judgments can also be favorable, despite modern connotations. I think what they actually mean is someone who shares their values.
Judging someone means thinking a negative thought about them. And that is not loving. However being truthful in a direct, clear, KIND and non-judgmental way is good.
Had this before. Then whoever called them out on their patterns would call them jealous or crazy and tell the next person to validate them. Over it.
I don't know about that. My bestie gotta have my back always
I can tell Lana is not a fan of low maintenance friendships. Neither am I.
low maintenance friendships are…complicated. friendships that i really value that can be mistaken for low maintenance friendships are the type of friendships where you’re like cousins. you might not talk for months, but when you’re reunited it’s like you were never apart. not siblings, just…cousins. :)
Same, sometimes you just want something serious.
May I know why?
@@chn92694 imo it doesn’t help with loneliness
I don't think a low-maintenance friendship is a thing.
I am staring 63 in the face.
I have five solid friends.
One, I've known 50 years.
Two, I've known 44 years.
One, I've known 32 years.
One, I've known 5 years.
I talk to the more recent friends more often, but less specifically.
I talk to the older friends less often, but we talk for hours, and very in depth. And it always feels like no time has passed.
All you need is a few friends. A friend to all is a friend to none. Not every acquaintance is worthy of your friendship.
It's imposible to get friends in 2024
If You try to be friends with someone they look weird at you
Facts. A friend to all is a snake
You're trying to make friends with the wrong persons then. Also, in order to attract the kind of friends we want we need to be loving to ourselves to a large degree.@@leandroantelo7154
Well said.
@@leandroantelo7154 speak for yourself! The thing that makes people look at you weird is they can see the desperation in your eyes. If you desire deep connections but don't base your self-worth on whether or not you get them then you'll do fine
The last point you mentioned resonated with me a lot: having always been an introverted loner, I always claimed that I loved solitude and that it didn’t bother me. But in the last few years, I’ve been feeling a constant loneliness that is so deep it’s physically painful at times. Then I’d feel ridiculous bc those two feelings are supposed to be contradictory.
But no, they’re different and can coexist. I can enjoy my alone time, but I can also crave physical and emotional connection.
Deep down I think I knew this, but I needed the reminder, so thank you ❤
fellow loner here. I’m starting to realize that I need people too. I have a difficult time making friends and an even harder time keeping them. I often feel quite happy to do my own thing, but then I have a nice conversation and it makes me realize what I’m missing.
❤
yess same till HS i was same but one day i accepted my feelings as they were , decided to work on my social anxiety and i still remember how hard it was to approach new people even if they were friendly to you but after all the work i made a bestfriend his friends became my friend not that close but well , but i'm so glad i worked on my social anxiety nd now i have a bestfriend also i have another close friend i made coz i had a crush on them, it didn't work out but i have a close friend i share a deep connection with and i am so grateful for that and i still love being in solitude with me but also at different times want to just talk to my friends.
It's true!! All humans want company and love, is in our nature. Im also an introvert ✌️
Been feeling betrayed by few very good friends of mine. Them disrespecting me in front of others, calling out my insecurities when I trusted them with it, and taking me for granted. I have stopped talking to them anymore. We all should cut negativity off from our life.
they weren't friends. No true friend would do that
So true. Even I did the same and my life is a lot more peaceful now.
@@NoctLightCloud Some people just lack self-control or have bad pride.
One of my best friends and I had been considering our friendship “low-maintenance”, but I am realizing that it’s not. We still hang out very often, it’s just we have healthy boundaries with each other, and if one of us isn’t feeling up to something, we can say no and no one is offended. I can be 100% real with her, and if there is judgement, I know where she is coming from, so I can respect her advice.
This sounds healthy to me. But what's the difference between that and a low maintenance friend though? I think I'm misunderstanding what a low maintenance friends is
Same with me and my best friend, except we can't hangout anymore because we live in different countries.
oh my god. i am so thankful you brought up the thing about low-maintenance friendships becoming too glorified these days. it's an excuse to not put effort into friendships. when, in fact, every relationship requires effort to stay solid. there should be a mutuality there. 'cause, if you don't take care of it and give proper attention, it will fizzle out. and you can easily go back to being strangers or acquaintances
Definitely looking forward to an episode focusing on female-to-female friendships. It’s a constant struggle of mine😢🥺
Same
Omg same. I tend to have more heartfelt relationships with guys than girls
@@shreetisamaharjan2342 me too
Me too, I struggle with both. I prefer friendships with men however they end up in love with me. Am I doing something wrong?
This perspective draws from evolutionary biology, women face challenges in forming genuine friendships stem from intra-female competition for resources and mate. In a contemporary context, the observation is made that women's conversations often prioritize validation over honest feedback, potentially hindering personal growth. The argument implies that the fear of bettering someone else through honest feedback might be linked to a perceived threat to one's own resources, such as social status, skills, job, salary and mate. A sentiment shared by many females and males. However, there are friendships that breaks these rule, the kind of selfless,self aware, unconditional support between two people is a very rare quality. Those kind of quality goes against our primitive lower base survival program. I have given up looking for those friendships. Heck even your own family has the Inherent competitive program. If people do find those friendships then it is godsend, they should count themselves lucky.
Integrity. Loyalty. Love. Those are qualities of a true friend. I don’t need to see them for 5 years and still give them a huge hug kind of friend because we KNOW each other.
Exactly!!
I have friend groups where we've known each other for years but we aren't close. I've come to accept that some friends are only "hang out friends". For some reason, that friendship just won't grow. We're cordial. I show up to their parties or weddings. I believe these friendships are important too but they can taxing.
They are acquaintances, not friends. The distinction has been lost in society.
@@mtngrl5859oh damn! exactly... My god, you're literally few of people knew this exact status .. i also noticed that Nobody ever use that word adult generation after 2006.. from stranger to friend that quick over a months or year? like seriously it doesn't work that way...
The difference between
"I'm the main character in my story"
And
"I have to be the main character in everyone's story"
The phrase "low maintenance friendship" is a contradiction in itself. Because friendships are meant to be maintained.
If that's the case, you may as well just call them like how you call your coworkers in a company, cause honestly what's the difference then?
If anything, if you're someone that prefers low maintenance friendships over lasting, "high maintenance" ones, then that tells me you got commitment/trust issues.
🐢 it's better to be alone than with wrong friends.My friends left me while I was going through depression and they starting blaming me and saying that I am using depression for attention when I opened up.i thought of taking my own life now after 4 years no msgs , no calls and me being alone
🐢 I'm so sorry to hear that. You're better off not having friends like that in your life. Keep fighting x
This is exactly what a friend of mine experiences. One of his friendgroups developed to a clique and they made his depressions worse. Fortunately you can decide which people affect your life and which don‘t. So you can sort out people that hurt you in any way and keep the ones that make you flourish.
Somewhere along the way I began to think.. Holy shit maybe I shouldn't self isolate so hard... And maybe I should actually try to pursue romantic relationships too instead of being weird and trying to avoid it like the plague.. and then I thought about astrology my favorite topic and mine.. and also found yours and There is some similarities but I am a complete anomaly if you knew my life story you would be like no way this is real but it is xD ... And Then I tried reaching out to you but Idk I guess u didn't care [ Also I'm sometimes a very impatient Aries moon xDDD ] @@LanaBlakely
You deserve only the best...in life so when you can don't settle for second best from anyone...xx
This makes me sad. I'm 22 and I haven't had any friends for 10 years. I never learned how to maintain friendships or what to talk about. I'm to anxious to have a normal conversation with strangers/neighbors. I did not always feel the need for friends, but i regret that, because I'm stuck alone. I feel like almost everyone has a friend they had since childhood or teens..
I sometimes feel as if it is too late.
Same here- I do have a very close friend from childhood but live overseas now. The past 14 years I have had one close friend and she moved back home to have children. I now just rely on my husband to make friends as he grew up in the city I moved to. It’s just not the same though. I’m a sahm so it can be very isolating. Looking for a part time job so I can be more social .
@@kristywrightson4031 sad
its really disturbing thou
I have no friends from my childhood(5-18 years old). I had school friends, and they fizzled by my early 20s, had college friends, and they also faded after a couple of years. I have one friend of 25 years, who i met at work.
@@MrMarcy76 you should be more socialize
"If you want to have a friend, be a friend" - Scooter
Does not work. Be a friend and they take you for granted, don't reciprocate, and then when you leave it's like you never existed to them at all.
Sorry to say, that that mindset does indeed not work.
All it creates are people pleasers and doormats (cause they walk on you)
@@spiritlance364 It depends. I think that it is important to not expect anything from people to avoid disappointment.
Also, I have a friend with autism, and I realize I act differently with him because I don't expect him to be really empathetic and compassionate and I have never been disappointed by him. I just try to be for him without expecting anything in return, without expecting him to write me when I feel bad because I know that he won't act like me. He is not neurotypical, so I don't expect him to act neurotypically.
After knowing this, when other friends make me feel bad or they are not there for me when I need them (even though I am always available to that person) I start to think about how that person acts with other people, for example with their family or other friends. Then I realized that even though they are neurotypical, they just don't act like a normal person. So I don't expect them to be normal with me.
Of course, there are shitt* and narcissistic people and those who believe they are the main character but most people are good, but they have shitt* problems that make them act weird and not logical with friends. Thanks to that mindset I really don't get any disappointment, because weird people can't act normal haha xD It is funny, it is like an inside joke but it works for me I guess.
Being a friend doesn’t mean being a ppl pleaser or being taken advantage of
@@mangayakposowa4334 That is true but sometimes we expect so much from other people who aren't capable of doing what we expect.
We just have to accept people as they are and if we don't feel ok with that we can leave that friendship behind.
But first, we need to be a good friend to set standards for other people. For example, if I want a friend who understands me, doesn't judge me, and stays with me in the bad times I need to do the same first, I cannot expect something that I'm not willing to give.
If I manage to be a good friend, then two things will happen, they will become a good friend or they will not. If they are not reciprocal with me is because maybe they don't like me that much, they are shitt* people and just want to get an advantage or they aren't capable of doing it.
If those "friends" don't like me or they are shitt* people I just must RUN from that kind of relationship. But if they aren't capable because they have some issues but they just don't know it or they are narcissistic, they have like trust issues, avoidant attachment or so. So you can't expect normal behavior from them, that's why you can just accept them and deal with them with caution, knowing that you can't expect much from them, or distance yourself from those people. In the end, it is each person's decision, but it all starts with us being what we expect from others.
there's a saying : "Office Colleagues are not your friends!"
The saying is absolutely true..
They are situational acquaintances.
A big part of my improvement on social connection was cutting out toxic/exploitative people that left me emotionally drained. I didn't realize until recently how bad this was, as it basically left me with no motivation to make new friends. It was a pit. After taking some time to recover from that I'm I'm rekindling old friendships that left a positive impact on me and I'm hoping I can create new ones as well 💙
While having friends can be a great thing, the most important friendship to have is with yourself.
Friendships with others are just as important.
@@MorganHyde-ie5ru Friendships come and go, you have to live with yourself your entire life.
That's isolating and lonely
@@mattw-cx50that's the problem, why is this so normalized, I didn't ask for any of that to happen
@@joshuabuchanan1141 I think you completely misunderstand my point.
I started backpacking this past year and made a handful of deep connections I consider as circumstantial friendships. For some of them, we've met up again in different countries while traveling, and for others, I even got to see them again visiting their home cities/countries. Because of the distance and timezone differences, we don't communicate on a regular basis, but I'd like to think they are solid low maintenance friendships!
Okay it's actually very astonishing how this is something that I'm going through right now and I just saw your video and I literally think you made it for me. Love you big sister always 🧡
🥹❤
My best friend completely ghosted me about a month ago. She’s done this twice before. She just disappears and stops responding to messages for weeks or months. Then she texts again and says she wasn’t feeling well and it’s back to normal. I always try to understand and empathise with her but this is the third time she’s done this and it seems selfish but at this point I don’t want to continue the friendship anymore. It sucks because she’s my best friend but this behaviour is wild and I can’t put up with it anymore. She knows everything about me and my life and I don’t even know if I’ll ever hear from her again. This is worse than getting ghosted by a guy.
Have you tried calling her? Does she pick up?
I had a "friend" like this and it devolved into her unloading her divorce feelings onto me for years without reciprocity until she finally dumped me entirely for being honest about her kid bullying my kid. These are the type of people who are not successful and will bring you down.
😢 true same happened with me for no reason with a friend whom i had always cared given lot of gifts and my times esp for years 😢
She should go to therapy, it might be depression
Girl, block her. She isn't your friend. You're convenient for her when she wants you. Block and do better.
Real friendships starts by giving, looking at all those replies to what a friend is seems like people today consider friendship as something to consume rather then an opportunity to give.
Please do more videos about friendships! Very few UA-camrs tackle the importance of friendships especially in this generation! Thank you Lana!
I’ve been lucky enough to have remained extremely close to 4 of my high school friends, and I’m extremely grateful, they’re all like brothers/sisters to me, I feel like after high school, it’s a lot harder to make genuine friendships where people actually want to put in the effort in to wanting to get to know you, like yea I’ve met people at college, we go out and all, but it doesn’t really feel like they’re my friends (if that makes sense) my close friends are people that know me personally, know my backstory, my family, and I know them on a personal level as well and even consider them family, with my close friends, I can hang out with them and do something as simple as watch movies at home, play pool, listen to music while we converse about stuff, go to a park and just walk around, and we’ll have an extremely fun time, but with acquaintances and casual friends, I feel like we have to go clubbing or something hedonistic (like drugs, drinking, hooking up, etc.) in order to have “fun”, I can’t converse with them about the same thing I would with my closer friends, I don’t know if it’s my fear of abandonment, but I really hate getting attached to people after they open up to me, opening up to someone to me is a sign that usually someone really confides in you, but no, sometimes those people just wanna hear themselves talk and want someone to hear them, doesn’t matter who it is, and a lot of people seem to do that a lot now at days, just use you as a free therapist smh, anyway, close friends that genuinely care about you and that you have an extremely close brother/sister-like bond are one in a million, and I am extremely grateful for those friends, I cherish them every single day and I let them know how much they mean to me, even when we don’t see each other often, getting a message from them every now and then checking up on me makes me whole week.
You worded it so well what I've been feeling dang. I too have abandonment/attachment issues. When people open up to me I assume they want to be closer friends but when it's a stranger and they do it while inebriated I find it hard to know if their intentions are to just vent or to open up to me. There was a time my brother had invited me to drink at a bar and told me it's a good way for me to make friends there. I told him at the time it's not for me to go to bars and shizz and that for me it's really for forming friendships most of the time because during drinking parties most people were there to just have a good time. He blew up at me and started reprimanding me and I couldn't really say why at the time. Maybe to him it's like I was saying something offensive about his friends, but I was just saying that I was looking to find close friends and not just acquaintances.
I really appreciate your videos. I’m a woman going through depression and loneliness. I really tried to find relatable videos relating to loneliness, not specifically for women, but just like a video like this. But everything always relates to the male loneliness epidemic, and it saddened me that I couldn’t find something like this. It almost feels like my loneliness isn’t a valid feeling.
So, I thank you for sharing your experiences. It really means a lot to me ❤ I wish there were more videos like these out there.
Genuinely hope you're ok - loneliness is a horrible thing to go through. Keep in touch with family if you're close to them!
I agree, theres so many resources talking about the specific loneliness of men, i wish we had all of that for women too
Dealing with very heavy loneliness
I think your points are great but there’s one thing that I would like to reflect on after experiencing it myself- circumstantial friendships, especially the ones where your partners friends become yours, can evolve. The way everyone makes friends is different and there are people who are always going to be grateful to have you in their life even if you split with the person who introduced you to them.Friendships are so interesting and they mean different things for everybody ❤ love your content Lana!
Can we also address the fact that low maintenance friendships can also be traumatizing? i mean, there probably was a time where we used to be talking regularly and be so close with them, but when time, indifferences, distance, and new environments interefered - it shifted to this kind of friendship and we are just left wondering why it turned out to be like that. If the other friend is totally fine not talking to you for weeks, months, or even years, that is a red flag for me already. I have been wanting to get myself out of the equation, but i do not know where or how to start with. SOS please lol
I have been that person who would not message for years but perhaps end up missing their presence and end up texting and most of the things get back to track. Remember when you say that the other person didn't message you, that means you didn't either. So likely you both were having the same thought of ignoring each other. And that person equally remembers you as much as you do. However if you have been constantly messaging them and they are ghosting you. That's a red flag
Yes, you end up wondering ''What happened to us?" or "Did I do or say something to him/her/them?"
ı actually agree on you. cause we as a close friend want them to be close too. and if that person getting away from you thats the time for you to accept and just move on because its true that youre not gonna be happy wıth that frıend. ıts always gonna be annoyıng for you. ı had a frıend like this and ı talked with her that ı am not happy wıth her anymore and just to be happy ı have to finish our friendship. so take it as a relationship and just talk to her. and dont forget ıts always you thats matter.
I'm mentally ill, BPD and need therapy. Maybe ask? Or, just leave in a way that's not super vulgar lmao
"Traumatizing" is a very strong word for this bordering on inappropriate. It is disappointing, sad, and sometimes can be depressing but certainly not traumatizing to realize that a friend is falling out of touch with you.
I haven‘t watched the video yet but yes I‘ve been saying the low maintenance thing. It‘s so annoying that people normalise not really having friends. If u actually only talk once every 3 months what do u get from that friendship. I want to feel like I experience life together with my friends, like they are my community
Dear Lana,
When I watch your videos, I always feel like I have a friend, an older sister, that I always wanted to have. Even now, when no one friend is left by my side, I feel that somewhere there is someone who understands me.
Thank you for that🧡☀️
Thank you, this helped me better understand my recent friendship breakup. We had been friends for 10+ years and, were there for each other through many life changes, always hung out, bouncing ideas off each other, and generally enjoying each other's company (or so I thought). It turns out I was just a friend of utility to him while I thought we were lifelong friends. Eventually he kept telling me how he prefers his friendships to be "low maintenance" and you know how it goes from there. I always heard about things like "friends for a season" but never understood why it had to be that way. Knowing the types of friendships is more helpful and less confusing to help navigate these relationships.
omg literally heavy on low maintenance friends not being friends lol
Hmmm, can't say that i agree that "low maintenance" friendships is a bad thing necessarily. It totally depends on the stage on what the friendship with the person has evolved. The best friendships for me personally is "low maintenance" atm as a 32 year old man. I have 7 close friends who are like brothers to me for about 20 years soon. We meet maybe about 3 times a year, and other than that we focus on our spouses, family stuff etc. I have 2 of them as "closer" friends than the others however as time have passed, (that i hang out/talk with more). But just because we doesn't hangout all the time like we used in the past, doesn't mean we're not as close as we once were. Immediately when we meet, everything is like usual. So "low mantience friendship" isn't always bad, if it goes both ways.
I can only have my low-maintenance friendships. I understand your comment. My husband and children are my priority and aging mother. It's impossible to see friends all the time at this stage of life (52). Best wishes to you.
@@Kristen-ek9rz Aww that's sweet! Best wishes to you too!
truth @@Kristen-ek9rz
this is reality@@Kristen-ek9rz
I can relate. Because the friendship has a good solid foundation, in your case 20 years of friendship. Same with me, I saw a friend once a week for about a year and we became super close. Then he was travelling a lot, and I travel a lot and went through personal struggles, but even if we talk once a month, it’s really fulfilling. I can’t be texting you every day, or even once a week. It’s just too much at times, even with the friends I love to pieces. I just have a low social need.
I'm honestly so tired. I’ve brought up people forgetting me before and being hurt over people forgetting my bday, and instead of people wanting to do better I’m told I’m asking too much and that a message of “miss u let’s hang” every 6 months that ppl don’t reply to counts. After asking questions, checking up, sharing, etc. I’ve distanced but it’s so common now that I struggle. I know we need community and friendships so I’m trying but it’s like nothing I do matters… everything is me acting wrong. Idk. I’m prob going to delete this in a bit but I’m just sad.
I think my heart just stopped having any real connection or a real friendship with anyone after joining my college...its just smiles , handshakes, studies. I feel empty when I think about my college friends whereas my school friends make me feel like home and I can just be there without any formalities....btw great video
i have some old friends we never text but when we meet the friendship is still intact....
Sad truth is even your closer friend are hating you secretly....so friends make yourself your motivator ✊
Be alone is a super power only a few can handle. A person who cannot enjoy his own company cannot be happy with anyone.
The word “friend” reminds me of “love.” They’re both umbrella terms that have been stretched to a point where they’ve lost the ability to be meaningfully descriptive.
At 37 I’ve pretty much given up the idea of describing what a friend is. There are too many dilemmas involved. For example, if your friend confides in you about a financial difficulty, are you obligated to offer them help (if you have the means)? Are you really their friend if you don’t? On the flip side, would you hide your financial difficulties from a friend because you don’t want them to feel obligated to help? If you can’t confide in each other that much, are you really friends?
Lol... tough call.
I really love your perspective on friendships. I wish I could show you the bizzare world of friendships that I experience in my fandom where we debate over whether things are "cliques" because they are intentionally exclusionary, or become exclusionary by the sheer volume of people that cannot all be accomidated
I found life has been the opposite for me. I was too busy in my school years to spend a lot of time with friends. Due to my learning disability, evenings and days off were filled with homework and studying. Once I got out of high school, I felt I had more time to hang out with friends on my days off from work, only for my friends to be too busy with work and university. Once university was over, they were busy with family. There was never that right time in life for me and my friends to both have time to visit.
Agree on some points but not all. I need a friend that is on the same emotional wavelength. That understands when I cancel plans because of my anxiety and the other way around. I can be flaky but it’s never because I don’t want to see my friends but because how I feel at that time/need of alone time. Because friendsships, it takes alot of understanding and real care for each other. I don’t think everybody need high maintenance friendships and it all depends on who we are and our values and needs
Agreed I just had this conversation with my mom which is where I get this tendency from. Everyone has different needs. As long as the people in the relationship are satisfied with the level of connection and relationship it doesn’t really matter
You should meet people halfway. Don’t overextend yourself but start thinking about how such a hyper individualized culture and weaponization of therapyspeak can enable people to be militantly protective of their own energy or “boundaries” at the detriment of their relationships and consolidating connections .
@@taechic exactly
@@janed4727 in my experience I need to be more protective over my energy and which friends I let into my life
I've made quite the opposite experience with male/female friends: male friends for me are much more complicated, since there is always the issue of romantizizing the friendship or someone being hurt. With women (although I'm bisexual) this barely happens to me.
Something in your final thoughts resonates with me. I am in that phase where I'm starting to want more meaning in friendships. Now I find myself needing to nurture my longstanding friendships because I have been in very low maintenance over the past decade.
I still thrive in solitude, but I just feel like - perhaps because of a pandemic - that socializing and quality time are far in between. More than it used to be.
I hear you and I agree that modern low-maintenance friendship isn't good enough. I think we could all benefit from closer friendships and some accountability to each other.
But genuinely, work, errands, family, my own need for alone time, spending time with my partner - all of it takes time away from hanging out with friends and doing nothing together. Particularly as I get older.
Texting is another task to tackle and people are becoming more and more within their own circle. Planning an evening out with a group is a nightmare and leads to disappointment a lot of the time.
How do we make steps to get better?
I’m in grad school - I take classes, I’m conducting a thesis, I work both as a research assistant in a lab and a teaching assistant. I NEED low maintenance friendships. Besides my responsibilities and friendships, I also have hobbies, household responsibilities, a romantic partner, my immediate and extended family, pets to take care of, a workout routine to maintain, etc. I personally cannot give my ALL to my friendships right now, I simply can’t. If my friends don’t like it, that’s their right to leave. Yet all of them stick by me, support me, and are so happy when we finally get that time to hangout or FaceTime. Real friends are not perfect. I’m not perfect, my friends aren’t perfect. Real friends have lives outside of you and it’s not personal. Maybe this doesn’t work for all people, but I love my tight circle of low maintenance friendships. Maybe this doesn’t work or resonate for others, it also might be because I’m neurodivergent, but I feel connected and at peace and that’s what matters to me.
I absolutely agree with you!
I think there is also a codependency friendship, a friendship of hurt. Sadly it usually feels like a mix of activity based (since you come to them to gossip, talk badly about others, show your trauma and feed to it) and absolute friendship (since trauma is accepted and actually supported it this friendship and you both want to keep it hurting for each other, but also validate the hurt of the other). The worst type. Can sometimes turn into a good one, but for that both of people need to grow up and change a lot, separately. That’s not that popular. And media supports trauma friendships a lot, since trauma is a perfect base for drama.
I wish I could have you in my life as my sister of best friend. You can soothe my overthinking mind. Please never stop posting, i love listening to you just talk it's idk so calming
Friends do judge...constructively. Looking back, the "real" friends were the ones willing to say the truth on their minds and in their hearts; the ones who just spoke pleasantries and to be "nice" were usually not that committed to the friendship. A friend will risk speaking truthfully and honestly even if it might end the friendship, because what is a friendship without authenticity. That's not to say be a jerk, but to be free to be yourself. One a side note, mindfulness helps with loneliness and anxiety, books like 30 Days to Reduce Anxiety by Harper Daniels have been a nice relief.
I read a comment somewhere which said that even those who don’t have any friends still dont want to be friends with others who don’t have friends and I couldn’t agree more with that statement because as someone who has been dealing with loneliness I have attended support groups and community meetups for those looking to make new friends but still I found it difficult to connect with anyone and it seemed like people were either struggling with social anxiety like myself or they would rather seek friendships with people who do have a lot of friends so they can be part of their circle.
I'm in this weird state of mind right now where I keep trying to deny the high likelihood that I have social anxiety. Despite having the same symptoms and experiences that define social anxiety, and despite historically (and currently) struggling to form genuine bonds with people because of it, I'm afraid of letting it completely take over my identity. I fear going to therapy and getting "confirmation" via a diagnosis, even though I know therapy ultimately helps. Anyway, I just think this video was a bit of an eye-opener. I'm currently 20, and it feels like I should be at an age where I'm forming my opinions on the various types of friendships and bonds one can have with others, and learning from different situations, but because of social anxiety, I'm not even getting exposed to these things to begin with. It feels as if I'm an empty shell of a human who's yet to experience anything of life. That's the loneliest part of all this, I think.
I’m a first time visitor to the channel and I enjoyed the video as a whole, but I particularly wanted to shout out the editing on the segment where you showed responses to your Instagram questions and they appeared in time with the music. Such a small little thing that I know takes an outsized amount of time, so I wanted you to know it doesn’t go unnoticed!
It did take forever so THANK YOU!!
Telling the truth is crazy in a world full of lies. Needed that one 💡💯
You just opened my eyes especially to the low maintenance friendship. And I feel guilty because I have that type of friendship and it's also a friendship that I do cherish because she is my best friend. Your thoughts on low maintenance friendship encouraged me to put more effort into my friendships especially with my best friends.
I'm a 25 year old guy, and friendships have been pretty sparse throughout my life. At this point, I only have maybe one friend who I've known since I was 10. A lifelong brother, but even this friendship is quite dormant these days. I was closed off from friendships as a teen due to depression from family issues. Everything else resembling a friendship fizzled out into nothing. I'm still waiting for the elusive "true friendship" or one that can last, but at this point, I'm convinced it doesn't exist anymore.
As an introvert, it's tough for me to always be the one initializing and making an effort in every single friendship, but that's what every friendship demands of me, because nowadays everyone is all take and no give. People just aren't worth my effort anymore until I see someone actually trying to be my friend. The 'low-maintenance' section hit the nail on the head. People only care about their 'main character' journey.
Other than my husband, I have no friends anymore. Ever since I was 18, all of my friendships were based around partying but I stopped drinking and partying over 5 years ago and all of my friendships faded away. They are basically just acquaintances on social media now. I am sure if I started drinking again and met them out at bars and parties, they would welcome me back but I don't ever want to drink again. I went to AA and other recovery support groups but just can't seem to form close friendships based on living a life of sobriety. I long for close, healthy, female friendships but I don't know how to move from acquaintance to friend (have hundreds of acquaintances and don't need to meet more people!)
Low maintanence friendship with healthy attachment and dynamic is much better than high maintanence friendship with unchecked toxicity. Some people with unhealthy attachment and unchecked separation anxiety will hang around for not the best reason and that should not be confused with true friendship. They could be together 24/7 but in a less than healthy dynamic with each other.
00:06 Reflection on different types of friendships and experiences
02:24 Misconceptions in friendships
04:37 Different types of friendships: utility, pleasure, and virtue
07:25 True friendship is based on shared virtue and takes time to build.
09:53 Past friendships hold special significance
12:32 Low maintenance friendships are often just acquaintances in disguise.
15:03 Social hesitation in expressing desire for more contact with friends
17:19 Romantic relationships bring unique commitments and challenges.
19:20 Friendships evolve into active, dormant, or commemorative categories.
21:18 Recognize and address social anxiety to avoid missing out on opportunities
23:26 Changes in friendships may lead to loneliness
Hi Lana!
Been an old subscriber but this video resonates with me strongly, especially since it hits me when friends started drifting apart and when I started questioning the few last friendships I still have.
I just wanted you to know that I would love a video about female friendships. At this point in my life, in my early 20s, as a woman, I have very mixed feelings about them.
In highschool I was surrounded by boys and my friends were mostly boys. After some time, I realised that they are not too relatable and, also, really immature (I think I liked the validation and attention tbh). So I started pursuing girl friends. And they were strong, in the beginning. I really liked being surrounded by girls, I left behind the pick-me era and became less interested in boys opinions.
But… somehow, these relationships became very challenging…
I won’t go into details, but I am really excited to see the video, if you decide to make it.
Anyways, in the end, they all left. Relationships, other friends, different activities etc. And I tried keeping the friendships alive, but it was effort only from one side.
So yeah, here I am, at the age of 21 with very few friends left - boys and girls. But I don’t see myself sharing the same values as them nor spend enough time with them, since they don’t have it, to form a deeper connection.
I would love for you to make that video. I am also going to therapy, and I remember telling her that I want female friends. That I want to form strong bonds with some girls. And she told me that it’s very hard and most of them are very toxic, so I have to learn how to make a best friend out of me, because, especially from now on, there will be more acquaintances than friends.
Friendship is something that it's really hard, especially for people that have social anxiety. I know something about it. I found difficulties to express myself through my voice and i never asked to my friends how are they. Because of my anxiety i didn't write first during conversation on social medias. I always blamed myself for everything. That friendship is something that depends on you only. But i was wrong. Being a podcaster, a musician and UA-camr made me understand that i don't need to care much what people think and do my own thing. But when you have social anxiety becomes difficult. Even having friendships results really hard. I was constanly blaming myself or my friends if they were not writing or i was not writing. I struggled a lot to find friends because not many people want to deal with insecure, shy and introverted ones. Friendship nowadays is rare and it hurts to admit that. People seem to only care about their own duties and private lives and not caring at all. It's sad but it's where our society is going. About the video i admire your honesty and your studies about an argument like friendships.
I never really had stable friend growing up, i was alienated because i didn't fit into the culture that was around me. Plus problems at home also contributed to the problem. I tried getting friends at work but its a mess, i advise to never make friends with your coworkers. Right now, i managed to find some friends online so it helps a little. Trying to broaden my horizons, so I'm willing to meet more new people if anyone wants a friend.
I'm 18, in my first year of University. This video has made me think so much about the kinds of friendships I've created in the past 6 months, all you say makes soo much sense. Thankyou so much for the video, and yesss please make one specifically on female friendshippsss!!!
So much food for thought here and your videos have such mesmerising beauty and depth Lana. Friendship for me can be challenging because I have 6 chronic illnesses so I find it impossible to keep up with texting/messages/ calls so I constantly feel like I'm not enough for people. Thankfully I have a small handful of souls that truly adore me and who I cherish beyond words too. There are then SO many people I WISH I could give more to but there is this surrender in me that I cannot do more with the current body I have. Would love more videos on modern friendships Lana lots of love to you all ❤xoxo
This video made me think about the friendships again and know that having right friends around us is such an important thing to continue growing and shining in this world! ✨ Thank you Lana for this great video! xx 💕💗✨
I genuinely feel like people come and go - we are all going through the same things and feelings
Lana, first of all you look BEAUTIFUL!
Im currently in that phase of my life that if someome on the street pass a smile at me it makes my day and i feel a little less lonely 😅 hahq
I also notice that in today's day in age, a lot of people are on their cell phones a lot and it's difficult to strike up a conversation with anyone due to people being glued to a screen. In the past, a lot of friendships were made on the bus, bus stops or at work. I notice on the bus and during breaks in the lunch room, so many people are on their phones and it's difficult to have a conversation and build friendships when people aren't even paying attention in the first place.
Ugh, unfortunately thats so true, that happens everywhere I go when I'm out in public especially when I'm in any public buses, it's disturbing as fuck and it's not normal
I think all relationships are unique in their mechanics. I'm neurodivergent, and most of my good friends are neurodivergent, so a lot of the sensationalized low-effort mantras of the day are genuinely things we need to utilize to keep ourselves on track; acceptance in that area has been a godsend for me. However, I will agree that some people are selfish about this, as they simply don't want to put in the effort that true friendship demands. It does really all boil down to effort; is this person putting as much effort into keeping this friendship as I am? And if not, why am still putting in that effort?
If you've communicated your expectations, and they're still not responding in a way that creates that mutual enjoyment which is CRITICAL for healthy relationships (aside from them genuinely going through some intesne stuff) then maybe its time to consider letting go.
A friend is someone that you can rely on who doesn't ask anything in return when you need help and is always there during your sad times simple as that.
"Our sens of duty to one another is diminishing" YES. I strongly feel you when you said that. As I grow up I become more and more loyal towards my friendships and I thought I was being the "boring one" when I would get upset because someone would cancel last minute or just tell me "sorry I will not see you today, it's raining" like WHAT ?! That shocked me many times but now, I know what my values really are. And my real friendhips are people who basically share some important values that I too have :)
It feels like the majority is becoming lazy to put effort in relationships and are too self-obsessed with this idea that "you"re perfect as you are, the problem is the other". I just love your video, your ideas are so well said, thank you Lana ! I'm just happy to connect to your mind through this video :)
you have def found your best vid formula. these intimate shares are great. you have a calming presence and insightful gems to share. love the vibe
Wow, I've seen lots of your videos (yeah, I'm subscribed to your channel), but all over this time I had NO idea, that English isn't your native language. You're so fluent, I'm so delighted! Please, give a couple of tips for someone who wants to speak English as fast and smooth as you!!
Currently writing a memoir and friendships is a big theme for me that I feel deserves its own chapter. It's the chapter I'm currently on. This should spark some inspo in my writing. Thank you! ❤
That's really cool! Memoirs and themes on friendships are some of my favorite works to read. When you're finished do you plan on publishing?
Friendships are only possible when we are still pure ( ignorant), in childhood that is, after that it's all about self interest and survival. Natural developement I guess...
"Friendships of pleasure". FWB? Most, if not all my friendships are "low maintenance" friendships. I've known him for 34 years. We actually had a discussion, about this very topic. I asked him, if it bothered him, that I rarely talk to him, during the year. He said no, he asked me the same question, I said no. We both seem to understand that life gets in the way. We hangout once a year, for a 3 day weekend. Good times. I don't get why it's such a big deal.
It's not a big deal to avoidantly or securely attached. It's triggering for anxiously attached people who didn't receive enough oxytocin from being held and supported by their caregivers growing up.
A buddy is someone who will help you move; a friend is someone who will help you move a body.
I have been experiencing for a while and I never had social anxiety. I have become a loner and a hermit because of all the assloes out there. I need to find better freinds.
Very insightful. Thank you for being honest about your own personal experiences, and for talking about a subject that more people should talk about. My two cents… Everybody should have fun friends (shared interests), acquaintances, and lifelong friends. A lifelong friend is a friend (non-relative) that would get MAD at you when they found out that you had a flat tire at 2 AM in the morning, during a snow storm, and didn’t call them for help. You’re lucky if you have one or two friends like that.
English is not your first language, yet, you speak so fluently. Also, thank you for this video. Take care, Lana B. 😊❤
Please do one for female friendships, love your content 💗💗💗
You are my ultimate audio diary now a days
Low maintenance friendships and situationships have ruined society; many don’t care any more to build meaningful connections 😢
I agree that the ‘main character syndrome’ and society leaning towards individualism has had an effect on many’s abilities to socialize
All real friendships don't require maintenance if you are honest with yourself because if they were about "maintanance" they wouldn't be friendships.
If you spend time with a person or a group just to "maintain" you're working and not enjoying so it's not ment to be.
If the horse is dead theres no point in riding it.
I have friends I barely see (like 1-2 times a year, sometimes longer) yet when we meet it's just like we've met yesterday.
When you are compatible with another human it doesn't matter how often you see them or not.
Thinking that people owe some sort of effort to maintain a friendship or relationship is plain wrong and delusional.
But do really have a friend if all the friends you do have you barely interact with aren't you basically alone at that point no matter what compatibility you may share they aren't really involved in your life
We are centers of our own Universes, the entire Universe exists because you exist, this is true for every single " living" thing that exists, and, since we are eternal beings, you will return forever until you figure out that what you do to others you will have to live out...
So, do right by others, it all comes around, like a ton of bricks...we all have greatness within us...strive to be the best you can, improve every day, and help others in kind...then enjoy life in a healthy manner, as long as you don't impose on others, and it's that simple...
Best wishes...
-ER x
That's the problem, because too much exposure of that is what leads to hyper-individualism and main character syndrome
It's called sovereignty, call it whatever you will we're in global war, hope everyone been training militarily for the last 10 years, many of US have...and main character syndrome is term created in modern times, many of the greatest civil defense force leaders in history were main characters for their communities...we need more it not less...what was stated was a noble statement, your issue is that you think too low of yourself, then project that insecurity upon others, and the potential greatness in them...Have a great day trolling someone else...
Female friendship is so hard for me. I grew up with men and i feel so weird with women. I really look like a clumsy chandler when I try to befriend another woman. On top of it I look rather good and many see me as competition which isnt helping. Meanwhile male friends are bound to end (either they fall in love or try something, or they date someone who doesnt let them hang out)
Bees are in great big trouble when the hive itself has been completely contaminated...
i have depression and anxiety disorder i am alone also all my girlfriends were unloyal to me and lied to me and all of my friends start to leave me because i dont want to do their things...DONT BE AFRAID and be brave you are not alone!
This topic gives me fomo which probably shouldn’t. It very complicated how friendship is viewed seeing those replies you showed in the video. It seems to me like friendship is something of a goal to be had as opposed to something you just make in pursuit of some other goal. Simply wanting friends just seems like it’s always gonna turn out sad.
Great video in general and looking forward to the follow up to the bit at 16:53. As a guy it's pretty difficult to maintain friendships with large groups of girls because the communication has a tendency to get so covert and intense. It gets really emotionally toxic really fast. I've found friendships across gender boundaries work a lot better when it's more direct and less people are involved, and one of my closest friends in present seasons is a woman, but there's no toxic rumor mill crap there.
My general mantra on friends is that a tight circle of high quality friends will serve you better than maintaining a large number of low effort friends. I'm also very family oriented too.
What i struggle with is coming to realization that the way i think of my friends is how they dont think of me. I can consider one of my friend's a best friend, and it turns out im only their friend and nothing more.
Oh please I would lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve a video on female friendships, it fascinates me
Friendships are overrated to me honestly.
Lana you have the most incredible outlook on life and are the most beautiful person I have ever seen I wish we could meet Dan
14:36 Personaly I don’t like the idea of low maintenance friendships bc with every relationship you need to take care and work on it. You can’t for example have a low maintenance romantic relationship, then why your friendships (which sometimes add more meaning into your life)
There are a lot of low effort romantic affairs though …
@@FoundSheep-ANRight, but as she said about low maintence friendships, they eventually turn out to be just acquaintances. Just as these low effort romantic affairs turn out eventually to not even be in your life at all
Exactly, totally agree with you with low effort friendship , it’s not enough for me now
There are no words to describe emotions.
I've watched a few of your videos & every time I tend to get locked into it. The video catches me so much it ends too early almost, it feels like. Time really flies when I've watched them.