This is a lifelong struggle for me. Being a pastor’s kid, you’re expected to be nice and obedient all the time….but no one teaches you when it’s okay to say no or when you need to protect yourself. Sometimes you’re punished for trying. I have a very hard time telling the difference between selfishness vs. boundaries, being sinfully agreeable vs. kind. I wish more Christians talked about this issue. It’s spiritually confusing when a vice looks like a virtue.
I too am overly kind, giving and compliant, but God taught me a valuable lesson about three years ago. And here it is: God does not...and will never... apologize for not saving everyone, not protecting everyone, not answering every prayer, not bailing out everyone when they get themselves into a mess. God is not helpful to everyone, furthermore, God says "NO" quite a bit; however, does that make Him any less forgiving? Kind? Compassionate? Merciful? Loving? --- nope! He's still the same God. Therefore, it's okay to say no. It's okay to not help others out. It doesn't make us any less...because we are still kind, compassionate, loving and merciful just like Jesus and just like our Father and we help out those when we can, but not every time someone asks. So, continue being who you are, and don't worry about the feelings of everyone else...and more importantly.... NEVER apologize for not doing something for someone.
Chances are...anytime you do decide to say NO, or stand-up-for-yourself, or stick to your guns and not "give-in", someone will accuse you of "being selfish". Its a manipulation-tactic. They are used to you caving-in to them. When you decide not to, they try to Guilt you. Another question to ask is: Where is THEIR "Give-and-Take" ? If they want you to "Be Flexible", then nudge them to "lead by example". After all, its usually you, who "keeps the peace" anyway, right? Dont be afraid to "take your turn". And more than that-- since when do you need their permission? You don't.
I was a people pleaser Sunday school teacher for years. After I adopted the ministry of "no", (appropriately), I was able to serve my family. I learned by attending the "Church Service " that our church was not biblical and was able to move us to a Bible centered church.
I was raised in a household where all of the women would shove it under a rug as not to make waves. I have been a people pleaser to the point of lying and becoming something I never wanted to be. I still need help with this. Thanks and I think I will get the book so I can have another perspective for change and healing. Bless you guys and lots of love!
Thanks for being patient with her. My husband has had to coach me a lot on this particular issue, too, and praise the Lord, I have a backbone now! "No" is definitely an appropriate and God-honoring response to a lot of life.
Melissa, thank you for allowing Jinger to talk long enough to answer your questions. So many interviewers keep interrupting the guest so that they can make THEIR opinions known. Great conversation with Jinger.
I get so tired of people pleasing that I do isolate and then I whine about how "no one loves me" and what is worse, those in my church family who knows and see's this behavior whether with me or someone else, they have a tendency to belittle the seriousness about this instead of taking it serious and coming along side to help a sister or brother in Christ who suffers from this seriously deadly condition! They, in a snarky attitude make fun and accuse us of having a pity party, when in my eyes, my reasons are legit! I've been hurt, just like alot of folks who suffer with this.
This is a difficult but profound lesson to learn. For those with early childhood traumas. The healing process leads to us confronting those inner critics, toxic codependencies, and loose boundaries. It’s not a one size fits all solution. But I had to cut off every tendril of relation and church and ministry and almost all friendships connected with my old way of being and living. It’s excruciating to realize that we recreate the prisons we are placed in as young vulnerable children who try to fawn and people please as a survival tool. God didnt call us to be in fear. And that is exactly the spirit inhabiting us when we are people pleasing. It’s actually the most unkind thing to be and do: to hide your truth from others. Jesus never compromised himself to fit into a box for others. He sacrificed a WHOLE version of himself. Big difference. And that’s so difficult for those in the faith to realize the difference between operating from fear, and operating from a sound mind.
As a 65 year old people pleaser, God has really been working within me to learn when to set limits and stop trying to be everything to everyone. I’m sure God led me to this video as part of my healing. Thank you as always!
My exact thoughts watching this! I’ve witnessed so many people in the faith environment that try to say yes to everything and it makes you wonder how many people (like me - a wallflower) are just waiting for the opportunity to serve that never opens up because someone else is too eager to stay in it and do everything. One of my most precious friendships came about from being able to serve when another person wanted to but chose to say no.
She is blessed her husband was great and helped her. I was just like that my first marriage and it led into a mental and physical abuse that caused me to be worse. Breaking out.. wow
The thing about people pleasing is the others will drain you dry and never be there for you when you need something. Every time i help someone I instantly think they will not even listen when I need support.
If they drain you dry..you have given of energy you didnt have to begin with. Giving, for us people pleasers, must be from our OVERFLOW...This is where I think our true problem lives...we give till we re drained out...and then have the view that OTHERS now have to be there for us to compensate/ kind of paying "back". But...then we didnt do it out of love to begin with...but out of force..that turned into recentment...This is such a struggle for me...paired with verses like Titus 3:14 ...finding that balance is so hard . God bless!
I love how Jinger can hold her head up now. You can see the healing in her eyes, voice and countenance. Thank you 🙌🏼 Jesus, for the deliverance. During her younger years, on the Duggar show, the timidness was concerning to me.
This book was released on my 4 year old girls bday. And she is so oposite of me. I always say i wish i was more like her. And anti-people pleaser. Shes my hero. Definitely need this book
It's been 20 years since i escaped Gothard. The recovery has been long, and something new always pops up... God is so good to heal as He brings things up if we let Him!
It definitely is a selfish thing on my part. And now I realise it thanks to this video ❤ I’m a coward when it comes to people. It’s a constant battle, and praying always for help for God to change my heart
Thank you Jinger so much for writing this very needed book and thank you Melissa for promoting it! I hope it gets translated into german (I live in switzerland)and other languages because we need books like this for the body of christ worldwide! Sadly people pleasing, which is often encouraged by taken out of context bible verses, is an epidemic, especially among women. I am also a recovering people pleaser and God has open my eyes so much about the sinful motivation that is often the reason why I do things for others. The book that teached me so much about this is ‘Boundaries’ by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. Townsend. I strongly recommend it to everyone who is dealing with this. Additionaly to Jingers book of course😊 May Gods grace teach all of us to turn from people pleasing and become the God pleasers he called us to be.
Thank You, Jesus! This is an answer to my heart's prayer! I was JUST having this conversation with my pastor's wife and daughter, because I've struggled with my ENTIRE life, and I'm now 38. Boundaries have felt "wrong" to me, as it does feel like selfishness and I feel very strongly against selfishness. "No" is the hardest thing for me to say and I'm working through that, with the Lord's help. Praying for everyone who struggles with this. ❤ Listening to the video now, praying for answers. 🙏🏼🫶🏼👏🏼
I’ve been binging on your channel for the last couple of weeks! Absolutely love it and have learned a lot about talking to others about the gospel. You’ve opened up the whole world of apologetics to me and I’m blown away! Thank you!
This is ministering to my heart right now. Thank you so much for sharing, Jinger and Melissa. For the past year I had my dreams broken by my church and I’ve spent a lot of time feeling depressed and isolated. The Lord has been healing my heart by showing me things that I didn’t realize I was holding onto, like trying to please others for my own prideful gain. This video gave some things to think about when it comes to serving at church, and I want to make sure my motives are God centered.
My story of people pleasing is a very unusual one involving my biological family. In 2012, I was finally able to leave the toxic family environment I was in (for my then stepfather was a crack cocaine user). I never wanted to go back to that since then. But then in 2018, when my mother passed away, and the stepfather was out of the picture, my uncles and aunts kept pushing me to raise my siblings who were still minors at the time. I tried to say no to this because I was not in a good place at the time, and I wanted what was best for my siblings (not to mention, I didn't want anything to do with having or raising children). Yet, my aunts then tried to manipulate me into doing it, all because they were trying to keep my siblings from the foster care system. Then one day after Mom's funeral, the family and I had a meeting. In it, I was so afraid to tell them I didn't want to do this because I fear they would manipulate me again. But when I found the courage to say it, they surprisingly accepted my decision and let me go back to living my life and get it together. As of today, I am happily married and walking with the Lord in peace due to that decision. This however, caused allot of friction and guilt tripping from my biological family. And to this day, they have NEVER told me why one of them didn't want to raise the kids themselves, seeing the fact they had both the parenting and life experience, and the money, and the shelter for them. To this day, I am the black sheep, according to them. But I hope the Lord had forgiven me of all this, whether I did the right or wrong thing. Sometimes your biological family are the ones who try to control you, and that still turns you into a people pleaser.
I am a recovering people pleaser. It was a huge bondage over my soul. I prayed and fast asking God what is wrong with me that I feel under so much oppression like in slavery. And I heard voice in my heart “ Because you are putting people before Me” then I repent and God started helping me to transform my mind. And then verse came to my mind “ I will walk in freedom because I seek your precepts”
I grew up with Braums. Living in KS as a kid and stationed at Ft. Sill. Mouth watered when you said Braums and Mint Chocolate is my favorite. Live in Poland now so can't get Braums. When we lived in VA we visted my grandad in Ks with our camper. I literally bought Braums and put in camper freezer to bring back to VA.
This is such a needed book for sure! I served as a missionary intern in Taiwan for a couple of years, and there were times when the fast pace left my soul with little time to catch up to my body. It felt like I was expected to operate like a machine, as there was a level of expectation that I say yes when presented with new opportunities to serve. East Asian culture doesn’t help, either, as it in a lot of ways mirrors the busyness I have observed with missionaries overseas. After all that, it’s been a process for me sorting through how to say no and when to say yes. I appreciate Jinger’s balanced perspective on this and am super excited for the book!
Hey, Melissa! Great conversation! Appreciate your content! I lived in Albuquerque for almost 13 years working at KFLQ….feeling proud of a fellow New Mexican!
There are several Christian books on People Pleasing and Fear of Man. Lou Priolo and Ed Welch come to mind at the moment. I just don’t think it’s talked about enough and is definitely worth being a topic of discussion…especially in this Social Media era we live in.
This is first time that a subject has resonated with me so much😢. Just watching as someone who has done the same things really put me at ease. I will definitely be on the lookout for that book
A much needed message in this age of flattery and seeking to please man over God. "Whoever rebukes a person will in the end gain favor rather than one who has a flattering tongue." Proverbs 28:23
P.s. I have been disagreeable but some people who might be manipulators make you feel bad for disagreeing with them and they gaslight you and so you are very confused. Like I said this is very complex and gets into mind games for certain personality types.
22:08 - 22:01 I really needed to hear that part. 23:18 not finding our worth or approval/acceptance in what we do or don't do. That's the hardest part for me. I have definitely gone in the other direction as well and just said no to everything. I need God to give me the strength to do what is required of me, and the right mindset when serving others.
Thank you, Melissa. I think that the for the ones of us that at point in our lives struggled with trying to please everyone, tend to be dissapointed often because of our expectations towards others. We need to come to realize that this type of behaviour can easily turn into resentment. Social media with hundreds of friends suddenly becomes a lonely place, doesn't it? It is an ongoing battle for me, but I am grateful by the fact that God allows me to see even the most unsuspected sin in my life. Now, be careful not to intentionally go the complete opposite direction; balance is the goal. I think that in the USA the opposite extreme (not caring to please) is more prominent and more problematic.
wonderful thoughts, I was back then over serving and then all of a sudden to ignorant, now finding balance with God's help, good to see someone felt the same and addressing it, cheers, God bless.
I am LOVING your videos! Found you thanks to watching Alisa. I've asked her (in a comment , I don't know her personally) if she knows about James Talarico. Do you or have you heard any of his (terrible and deceiving) talks???? My 27 yr old son sent me a video and I'm so sad that he (son)is being deceived by him! He definitely seems like New Thought plus is a huge anti-Christian Nationalist. Very slick talker! I would love love love to hear you interview him or at least hear your thoughts about it. Oh and I pre ordered your book! Can't wait to read that. You are so blessed with great communication skills and with great humor! ❤️
Saying 'no' is okay, especially when setting boundaries. It's super difficult when 'Christians try to turn your 'no' around as some sort of sin or ungodly act.
It would be great to have Zoom or livestream so we can all chat about this. Now my wheels are turning without much coffee. 😂 Even putting together a Bible study on the topic of people pleasing.
my wife keeps calling herself, and her counselors keep calling her, and her pastor keeps calling her a “people pleaser“ wow she does the most devastating things to herself, her family, and her marriage. It seemed strange that they’re actually calling a person that thinks of other people as having a dysfunction.
When I get in my own head, and my work becomes anxious due to pleasing others to make myself look okay, I remember this verse: Colossians 3:23-24 23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Paul was talking to slaves, but it can apply. Who am I a servant/slave to? Other people? Sin? Or the Lord God?
Interesting topic. I have a friend who always wants me to drive when we're in her car, because he doesn't want to upset anyone with her driving. 😒 I've been thinking about how to help her stop worrying about what others think 🤔
Ed Welch wrote the excellent book When People Are Big and God Is Small. He also wrote What Do You Think of Me? Why Do I Care? Can't top Dr. Ed Welch's books in my opinion.
It is true that people are judging you in every conversation. IMO, the trick is to realise that they can't know better (if it's a church conversation) because of Gods hiddeness it's impossible for anyone to verify religious sources.
The man is Bill Gotthard, founder of the Institute in Basic Life Principles. The IBLP has been well-known within the Christian homeschool circuit because of the curriculum resources they develop and supervise. It was publicly popularized by two of its long-time members, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, through their documentary "14 kids and counting" which then continued as the reality television series "19 Kids and Counting." One of those children is Jingar Duggar (now Jingar Duggar Vulolo) who provided this interview. Both the the Duggar family and Bill Gotthard experienced public scandals that brought attention to the strongly legal practices and teachings of the IBLP.
I know it is progressive to say "Deny yourself, but in a healthy way" and "Feeling guilty and selfish when setting boundaries is unhealthy" But is it true? You can set boundaries all day long and be supper healthy about it, that does not mean that you are not selfish! You can still be extremely selfish and feel guilty, and that would be correct because it is true. There is a book (When People are Big and God is Small) It is all about who you fear. But even then, you can still be selfish. When you set boundaries on your ministry to spend time with your family is still selfish, because Jesus did not say to spread the gospel but do not forget to enjoy relationships. So is the (Deny your self) conditional? Like Yes deny your self, but only as long as it is done in a healthy way?
Some thoughts and questions: Scripture does make it clear that there will be times to give up what we want, denying ourselves, for the good of others. Jesus definitely demonstrated denying Himself by taking up the cross, even though He had understandable fears about doing so. He even made sure his mother would be taken care of while He was dying on the cross. Yet Jesus also demonstrated healthy boundaries. He didn't heal 100% of the people 100% of the time. More than once, He removed himself from the crowds and towns, full of people that needed Him, to go pray and recharge alone. Was that selfish? After God created the earth, He rested on the 7th day, even though He never gets tired. He demonstrated rest for us. The fourth commandment is to keep the Sabbath day holy, a day of rest. God often got angry with Israel for blatantly ignoring the Sabbath and conducting business as usual. Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 talks about there being a time for everything, a time to work and a time to rest. There is a pattern in Scripture that both work and rest are important. Why is that? Also, seasons of life can look different. You might pursue full time ministry when you're single, then focus on raising your family, then resume ministry when the kids are grown, for example. Paul says in 1 Timothy 5:7-8 that anyone who doesn't take care of their own family is worse than someone with no faith in the Lord. He mentions in the same chapter that someone with widows in their family ought to help them so that the church can focus on others in need who have no one. Where does this mean that we always need to put ministry above our obligations and responsibilities to the families God gave us? Many children have become utterly untethered because their parents were never around and prioritized everyone else over them. Is this more pleasing to God? Is neglecting relationships more holy? Paul greeted a lot of people in his letters, like he had a lot of friends. Was that wrong? Jesus not only preached at crowds, he spent time with just his disciples, and ate at people's houses. Was just spending time with people a waste of His valuable time? Is neglecting people part of His good plan? Motives do matter, though. Some people may insist they need to grow a huge following to lead people to Christ, when it's really just a hunger for personal fame and glory, and they need to deny that dream and serve in smaller ways. If we think we need to do all the things all the time to prove our righteousness, there may be some pride we need to deny ourselves of. Our good deeds are the result of our faith, not a vehicle to prove ourselves to others, or God. It's easy to put a myopic focus on one verse, and forget about the whole picture of Scripture. The Bible gives us healthy parameters to live in, and as long as we live within those boundaries, there are many good choices we can make. But sometimes it still feels like too much freedom for people, and they scramble for more rules to confine themselves in. Was that what God intended? I'll have to check out that book you mentioned. Have you read Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend? Thanks for putting up with all my questions. 💜
I never thought of that, but if I am understanding correctly I agree. "You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. (Exodus 20:4) It includes people. Great comment @edwardparkhurst9804
I think it could be. It was the story of King Saul in the OT when he sacrificed the livestock of an enemy against the will of God because the people wanted him to that woke me up from caring too much about the will of others. We should be thinking about what pleases God first. This is healthy for us and others.
Like most things in life, it depends. I’d take it on a case by case basis. Some do it for worship, some do it in worship of others, some were given the wrong ideas about compassion, the list goes on. It’s better to just have a conversation before trying to spiritually diagnose someone who’s struggling.
PS....the video my son sent me was from James Talarico's UA-cam channel on March 27 of 2024. Total bash of Christian Nationalism. Spews many lies about so many things, all wrapped up in a shiny smooth talking 'sermon' . Makes me so sad my son discovered this guy.
Hmmm… never noticed and think the production quality for this channel is superb. I guess you never know what people’s tastes are like. Have a good and God bless you!
Wow, I never noticed those. Maybe you should worry about the content of what she’s saying and not how it’s edited together. I think that might be an issue with your heart.
I’ve noticed that sometimes too. There’s nothing morally wrong with pointing out an aesthetic issue as long as it’s to encourage improvement which you seem to be doing.
@paulan7218 That’s going too far and assuming the worst of someone. It’s ok for someone to notice an issue that you don’t and recommend improvement they said the video was good otherwise which means that they agree with the content. They just want to help Melissa improve. Please don’t make quick judgments like that.
This is a lifelong struggle for me. Being a pastor’s kid, you’re expected to be nice and obedient all the time….but no one teaches you when it’s okay to say no or when you need to protect yourself. Sometimes you’re punished for trying. I have a very hard time telling the difference between selfishness vs. boundaries, being sinfully agreeable vs. kind. I wish more Christians talked about this issue. It’s spiritually confusing when a vice looks like a virtue.
💯💯 So true. I've been overly nice, compliant, and obedient all my life. I still don't know when I'm being selfish or setting boundaries.
I too am overly kind, giving and compliant, but God taught me a valuable lesson about three years ago. And here it is:
God does not...and will never... apologize for not saving everyone, not protecting everyone, not answering every prayer, not bailing out everyone when they get themselves into a mess.
God is not helpful to everyone, furthermore, God says "NO" quite a bit; however, does that make Him any less forgiving? Kind? Compassionate? Merciful? Loving? --- nope! He's still the same God.
Therefore, it's okay to say no. It's okay to not help others out. It doesn't make us any less...because we are still kind, compassionate, loving and merciful just like Jesus and just like our Father and we help out those when we can, but not every time someone asks.
So, continue being who you are, and don't worry about the feelings of everyone else...and more importantly.... NEVER apologize for not doing something for someone.
Chances are...anytime you do decide to say NO, or stand-up-for-yourself, or stick to your guns and not "give-in", someone will accuse you of "being selfish". Its a manipulation-tactic. They are used to you caving-in to them. When you decide not to, they try to Guilt you.
Another question to ask is: Where is THEIR "Give-and-Take" ? If they want you to "Be Flexible", then nudge them to "lead by example". After all, its usually you, who "keeps the peace" anyway, right?
Dont be afraid to "take your turn". And more than that-- since when do you need their permission? You don't.
This. I am also a PK and relate 100%. It makes it hard to establish yourself separate from your parent whose a pastor.
@@kintsugi-u7vsame here. It's a life long process to be more assertive vs passive and submissive.
I was a people pleaser Sunday school teacher for years. After I adopted the ministry of "no", (appropriately), I was able to serve my family. I learned by attending the "Church Service " that our church was not biblical and was able to move us to a Bible centered church.
I was raised in a household where all of the women would shove it under a rug as not to make waves. I have been a people pleaser to the point of lying and becoming something I never wanted to be. I still need help with this. Thanks and I think I will get the book so I can have another perspective for change and healing. Bless you guys and lots of love!
Yes! I was raised that way, too. Shove everything under a rug to keep the "peace". It's very difficult to get out, but I hope we do. ❤
Oh my, it has taken me 30 years to get my wife to understand it is ok to say, "NO."
Thanks for being patient with her. My husband has had to coach me a lot on this particular issue, too, and praise the Lord, I have a backbone now! "No" is definitely an appropriate and God-honoring response to a lot of life.
Melissa, thank you for allowing Jinger to talk long enough to answer your questions. So many interviewers keep interrupting the guest so that they can make THEIR opinions known. Great conversation with Jinger.
Boundaries is very hard for us people pleasers!
I get so tired of people pleasing that I do isolate and then I whine about how "no one loves me" and what is worse, those in my church family who knows and see's this behavior whether with me or someone else, they have a tendency to belittle the seriousness about this instead of taking it serious and coming along side to help a sister or brother in Christ who suffers from this seriously deadly condition! They, in a snarky attitude make fun and accuse us of having a pity party, when in my eyes, my reasons are legit! I've been hurt, just like alot of folks who suffer with this.
This is a difficult but profound lesson to learn. For those with early childhood traumas. The healing process leads to us confronting those inner critics, toxic codependencies, and loose boundaries.
It’s not a one size fits all solution. But I had to cut off every tendril of relation and church and ministry and almost all friendships connected with my old way of being and living. It’s excruciating to realize that we recreate the prisons we are placed in as young vulnerable children who try to fawn and people please as a survival tool.
God didnt call us to be in fear. And that is exactly the spirit inhabiting us when we are people pleasing. It’s actually the most unkind thing to be and do: to hide your truth from others.
Jesus never compromised himself to fit into a box for others. He sacrificed a WHOLE version of himself. Big difference. And that’s so difficult for those in the faith to realize the difference between operating from fear, and operating from a sound mind.
As a 65 year old people pleaser, God has really been working within me to learn when to set limits and stop trying to be everything to everyone. I’m sure God led me to this video as part of my healing. Thank you as always!
Saying "No." GOD can open the door for SOMEONE ELSE to be greatly blessed to say "Yes."
👏🏼
My exact thoughts watching this! I’ve witnessed so many people in the faith environment that try to say yes to everything and it makes you wonder how many people (like me - a wallflower) are just waiting for the opportunity to serve that never opens up because someone else is too eager to stay in it and do everything. One of my most precious friendships came about from being able to serve when another person wanted to but chose to say no.
She is blessed her husband was great and helped her. I was just like that my first marriage and it led into a mental and physical abuse that caused me to be worse. Breaking out.. wow
I’m 66 and still struggle with being a people pleaser. Thank you for covering this topic.
The thing about people pleasing is the others will drain you dry and never be there for you when you need something. Every time i help someone I instantly think they will not even listen when I need support.
100%.:Also being empathic is draining as well.
Saying no and trusting God for their wholeness is healing for you.
If they drain you dry..you have given of energy you didnt have to begin with. Giving, for us people pleasers, must be from our OVERFLOW...This is where I think our true problem lives...we give till we re drained out...and then have the view that OTHERS now have to be there for us to compensate/ kind of paying "back". But...then we didnt do it out of love to begin with...but out of force..that turned into recentment...This is such a struggle for me...paired with verses like Titus 3:14 ...finding that balance is so hard . God bless!
Boundaries by Cloude and Townsend is another great book for Christians to help set healthy boundaries in life.
I love how Jinger can hold her head up now. You can see the healing in her eyes, voice and countenance. Thank you 🙌🏼 Jesus, for the deliverance.
During her younger years, on the Duggar show, the timidness was concerning to me.
This book was released on my 4 year old girls bday. And she is so oposite of me. I always say i wish i was more like her. And anti-people pleaser. Shes my hero. Definitely need this book
It's been 20 years since i escaped Gothard. The recovery has been long, and something new always pops up... God is so good to heal as He brings things up if we let Him!
Glad you got out.
It definitely is a selfish thing on my part. And now I realise it thanks to this video ❤ I’m a coward when it comes to people. It’s a constant battle, and praying always for help for God to change my heart
Sounds interesting. 'Pleasing People' by Lou Priolo came out in 2007 and is another good Christian book on focusing on God to deal with this tendency.
Thank you Jinger so much for writing this very needed book and thank you Melissa for promoting it!
I hope it gets translated into german (I live in switzerland)and other languages because we need books like this for the body of christ worldwide! Sadly people pleasing, which is often encouraged by taken out of context bible verses, is an epidemic, especially among women. I am also a recovering people pleaser and God has open my eyes so much about the sinful motivation that is often the reason why I do things for others.
The book that teached me so much about this is ‘Boundaries’ by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. Townsend. I strongly recommend it to everyone who is dealing with this. Additionaly to Jingers book of course😊
May Gods grace teach all of us to turn from people pleasing and become the God pleasers he called us to be.
Your book is the first time I've ever pre ordered a book, Happy Lies. I love your content.. Blessings.
Thank You, Jesus! This is an answer to my heart's prayer! I was JUST having this conversation with my pastor's wife and daughter, because I've struggled with my ENTIRE life, and I'm now 38.
Boundaries have felt "wrong" to me, as it does feel like selfishness and I feel very strongly against selfishness. "No" is the hardest thing for me to say and I'm working through that, with the Lord's help.
Praying for everyone who struggles with this. ❤
Listening to the video now, praying for answers. 🙏🏼🫶🏼👏🏼
I’ve been binging on your channel for the last couple of weeks! Absolutely love it and have learned a lot about talking to others about the gospel. You’ve opened up the whole world of apologetics to me and I’m blown away! Thank you!
Another book I’ve LOVED that has to do with codependency and people pleasing is “When people are big and God is small” by Edward T Welch
This is ministering to my heart right now. Thank you so much for sharing, Jinger and Melissa. For the past year I had my dreams broken by my church and I’ve spent a lot of time feeling depressed and isolated. The Lord has been healing my heart by showing me things that I didn’t realize I was holding onto, like trying to please others for my own prideful gain. This video gave some things to think about when it comes to serving at church, and I want to make sure my motives are God centered.
My story of people pleasing is a very unusual one involving my biological family. In 2012, I was finally able to leave the toxic family environment I was in (for my then stepfather was a crack cocaine user). I never wanted to go back to that since then. But then in 2018, when my mother passed away, and the stepfather was out of the picture, my uncles and aunts kept pushing me to raise my siblings who were still minors at the time. I tried to say no to this because I was not in a good place at the time, and I wanted what was best for my siblings (not to mention, I didn't want anything to do with having or raising children). Yet, my aunts then tried to manipulate me into doing it, all because they were trying to keep my siblings from the foster care system.
Then one day after Mom's funeral, the family and I had a meeting. In it, I was so afraid to tell them I didn't want to do this because I fear they would manipulate me again. But when I found the courage to say it, they surprisingly accepted my decision and let me go back to living my life and get it together.
As of today, I am happily married and walking with the Lord in peace due to that decision. This however, caused allot of friction and guilt tripping from my biological family. And to this day, they have NEVER told me why one of them didn't want to raise the kids themselves, seeing the fact they had both the parenting and life experience, and the money, and the shelter for them. To this day, I am the black sheep, according to them. But I hope the Lord had forgiven me of all this, whether I did the right or wrong thing.
Sometimes your biological family are the ones who try to control you, and that still turns you into a people pleaser.
I am a recovering people pleaser. It was a huge bondage over my soul. I prayed and fast asking God what is wrong with me that I feel under so much oppression like in slavery. And I heard voice in my heart “ Because you are putting people before Me” then I repent and God started helping me to transform my mind. And then verse came to my mind “ I will walk in freedom because I seek your precepts”
I grew up with Braums. Living in KS as a kid and stationed at Ft. Sill. Mouth watered when you said Braums and Mint Chocolate is my favorite. Live in Poland now so can't get Braums. When we lived in VA we visted my grandad in Ks with our camper. I literally bought Braums and put in camper freezer to bring back to VA.
This is such a needed book for sure! I served as a missionary intern in Taiwan for a couple of years, and there were times when the fast pace left my soul with little time to catch up to my body. It felt like I was expected to operate like a machine, as there was a level of expectation that I say yes when presented with new opportunities to serve. East Asian culture doesn’t help, either, as it in a lot of ways mirrors the busyness I have observed with missionaries overseas. After all that, it’s been a process for me sorting through how to say no and when to say yes. I appreciate Jinger’s balanced perspective on this and am super excited for the book!
Hey, Melissa! Great conversation! Appreciate your content! I lived in Albuquerque for almost 13 years working at KFLQ….feeling proud of a fellow New Mexican!
There are several Christian books on People Pleasing and Fear of Man. Lou Priolo and Ed Welch come to mind at the moment. I just don’t think it’s talked about enough and is definitely worth being a topic of discussion…especially in this Social Media era we live in.
This is first time that a subject has resonated with me so much😢. Just watching as someone who has done the same things really put me at ease. I will definitely be on the lookout for that book
Thank you so so much for this topic. I have been thinking about it and praying about being people pleaser and how to understand it more. Thank you
A much needed message in this age of flattery and seeking to please man over God. "Whoever rebukes a person will in the end gain favor rather than one who has a flattering tongue." Proverbs 28:23
🥹🥲 Thank you two so much for this, really wonderful conversation. Super cathartic.
As a Christian man, that is not a people pleaser this is mind blowing. Maybe I should be more like that.
Thank you for sharing this story. I can relate to this story so much.
P.s. I have been disagreeable but some people who might be manipulators make you feel bad for disagreeing with them and they gaslight you and so you are very confused. Like I said this is very complex and gets into mind games for certain personality types.
22:08 - 22:01 I really needed to hear that part. 23:18 not finding our worth or approval/acceptance in what we do or don't do. That's the hardest part for me. I have definitely gone in the other direction as well and just said no to everything. I need God to give me the strength to do what is required of me, and the right mindset when serving others.
Thank you, Melissa. I think that the for the ones of us that at point in our lives struggled with trying to please everyone, tend to be dissapointed often because of our expectations towards others. We need to come to realize that this type of behaviour can easily turn into resentment. Social media with hundreds of friends suddenly becomes a lonely place, doesn't it? It is an ongoing battle for me, but I am grateful by the fact that God allows me to see even the most unsuspected sin in my life. Now, be careful not to intentionally go the complete opposite direction; balance is the goal. I think that in the USA the opposite extreme (not caring to please) is more prominent and more problematic.
Thank you for talking about this. This is something we all need tools to handle better 🙂
Wonderful conversation!! I appreciate both of you!! THANK YOU both for sharing!!🩷🙏
Pleasing People by Lou Priolo is really good and really convicting.
I agree with this book recommendation. It’s biblically solid, replete with scripture.
A formula I have for just about anything in life... moderation and balance
wonderful thoughts, I was back then over serving and then all of a sudden to ignorant, now finding balance with God's help, good to see someone felt the same and addressing it, cheers, God bless.
So needed! I have struggled with this for years! ❤
Oh my! I need to read this book. Great content, Melissa! Thank you for sharing. God bless.
People Pleasing by Lou Priolo (christian self help) was written in 2007. Reading this was the first time I learned how people pleasing is selfish.
Born and raised in OKC, OK! Second job was at Braums! Pity they aren’t here in CO…
There is actually a Christian book called "Pleasing People" by Lou Priolo. I have it on audible. Its addresses being a people pleaser. 😉
I am LOVING your videos! Found you thanks to watching Alisa. I've asked her (in a comment , I don't know her personally) if she knows about James Talarico. Do you or have you heard any of his (terrible and deceiving) talks???? My 27 yr old son sent me a video and I'm so sad that he (son)is being deceived by him! He definitely seems like New Thought plus is a huge anti-Christian Nationalist. Very slick talker! I would love love love to hear you interview him or at least hear your thoughts about it. Oh and I pre ordered your book! Can't wait to read that. You are so blessed with great communication skills and with great humor! ❤️
Saying 'no' is okay, especially when setting boundaries. It's super difficult when 'Christians try to turn your 'no' around as some sort of sin or ungodly act.
Great video! Both I and my fiancee both struggle with this in the church.
Great discussion and so needed. Fellow Oklahoman here. Yes Braums is great! If you're ever speaking in Oklahoma, please let us know.
Ed welsh did. When people are big and God is small. It’s great.
Great interview
It would be great to have Zoom or livestream so we can all chat about this. Now my wheels are turning without much coffee. 😂 Even putting together a Bible study on the topic of people pleasing.
I pray Ginger and Jeremy are ok after the fires.
I tell my young adult leaders off when I see them over committing… I ask if they are spiritually fed otherwise, they are starving and eating junk.
my wife keeps calling herself, and her counselors keep calling her, and her pastor keeps calling her a “people pleaser“ wow she does the most devastating things to herself, her family, and her marriage. It seemed strange that they’re actually calling a person that thinks of other people as having a dysfunction.
When I get in my own head, and my work becomes anxious due to pleasing others to make myself look okay, I remember this verse:
Colossians 3:23-24
23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
Paul was talking to slaves, but it can apply. Who am I a servant/slave to? Other people? Sin? Or the Lord God?
Boundaries and good byes by Lysa Terkhurst.
Interesting topic. I have a friend who always wants me to drive when we're in her car, because he doesn't want to upset anyone with her driving. 😒 I've been thinking about how to help her stop worrying about what others think 🤔
Ed Welch wrote the excellent book When People Are Big and God Is Small. He also wrote What Do You Think of Me? Why Do I Care? Can't top Dr. Ed Welch's books in my opinion.
There is a book called People Pleasing Pastors by Charles Stone that is good.
Melissa I’m in Stilly!
people pleasing, likeness of gainsayers and/or menpleasers in our law
Braum's is the BEST!
When People are big and God is Small
excellent!...mormonism is soooo similar, will you please do a deep dive of mormonism, most people have no idea how evil it is.
Thanks for the topic! I wonder if being a people pleaser is related to not trusting God to be enough for that person or situation?
It is true that people are judging you in every conversation. IMO, the trick is to realise that they can't know better (if it's a church conversation) because of Gods hiddeness it's impossible for anyone to verify religious sources.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
What is the title of the book?
Help !!!😮 You have No idea !!! 😢
Another great book is Toxic Empathy! Love listening to you, Melissa and enjoy your wit😂
Never heard of this Gotherd guy.
The man is Bill Gotthard, founder of the Institute in Basic Life Principles. The IBLP has been well-known within the Christian homeschool circuit because of the curriculum resources they develop and supervise. It was publicly popularized by two of its long-time members, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, through their documentary "14 kids and counting" which then continued as the reality television series "19 Kids and Counting." One of those children is Jingar Duggar (now Jingar Duggar Vulolo) who provided this interview. Both the the Duggar family and Bill Gotthard experienced public scandals that brought attention to the strongly legal practices and teachings of the IBLP.
I know it is progressive to say "Deny yourself, but in a healthy way" and "Feeling guilty and selfish when setting boundaries is unhealthy" But is it true?
You can set boundaries all day long and be supper healthy about it, that does not mean that you are not selfish! You can still be extremely selfish and feel guilty, and that would be correct because it is true.
There is a book (When People are Big and God is Small) It is all about who you fear. But even then, you can still be selfish. When you set boundaries on your ministry to spend time with your family is still selfish, because Jesus did not say to spread the gospel but do not forget to enjoy relationships. So is the (Deny your self) conditional? Like Yes deny your self, but only as long as it is done in a healthy way?
Some thoughts and questions:
Scripture does make it clear that there will be times to give up what we want, denying ourselves, for the good of others. Jesus definitely demonstrated denying Himself by taking up the cross, even though He had understandable fears about doing so. He even made sure his mother would be taken care of while He was dying on the cross. Yet Jesus also demonstrated healthy boundaries. He didn't heal 100% of the people 100% of the time. More than once, He removed himself from the crowds and towns, full of people that needed Him, to go pray and recharge alone. Was that selfish?
After God created the earth, He rested on the 7th day, even though He never gets tired. He demonstrated rest for us.
The fourth commandment is to keep the Sabbath day holy, a day of rest. God often got angry with Israel for blatantly ignoring the Sabbath and conducting business as usual.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 talks about there being a time for everything, a time to work and a time to rest.
There is a pattern in Scripture that both work and rest are important. Why is that?
Also, seasons of life can look different. You might pursue full time ministry when you're single, then focus on raising your family, then resume ministry when the kids are grown, for example.
Paul says in 1 Timothy 5:7-8 that anyone who doesn't take care of their own family is worse than someone with no faith in the Lord. He mentions in the same chapter that someone with widows in their family ought to help them so that the church can focus on others in need who have no one. Where does this mean that we always need to put ministry above our obligations and responsibilities to the families God gave us? Many children have become utterly untethered because their parents were never around and prioritized everyone else over them. Is this more pleasing to God? Is neglecting relationships more holy?
Paul greeted a lot of people in his letters, like he had a lot of friends. Was that wrong? Jesus not only preached at crowds, he spent time with just his disciples, and ate at people's houses. Was just spending time with people a waste of His valuable time? Is neglecting people part of His good plan?
Motives do matter, though. Some people may insist they need to grow a huge following to lead people to Christ, when it's really just a hunger for personal fame and glory, and they need to deny that dream and serve in smaller ways. If we think we need to do all the things all the time to prove our righteousness, there may be some pride we need to deny ourselves of. Our good deeds are the result of our faith, not a vehicle to prove ourselves to others, or God.
It's easy to put a myopic focus on one verse, and forget about the whole picture of Scripture. The Bible gives us healthy parameters to live in, and as long as we live within those boundaries, there are many good choices we can make. But sometimes it still feels like too much freedom for people, and they scramble for more rules to confine themselves in. Was that what God intended?
I'll have to check out that book you mentioned. Have you read Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend?
Thanks for putting up with all my questions. 💜
You too are not OLD enough yet 😂LOL !
Isn't people pleasing a sort of worship and that's not a good idea to do
I never thought of that, but if I am understanding correctly I agree.
"You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. (Exodus 20:4)
It includes people. Great comment @edwardparkhurst9804
I think it could be. It was the story of King Saul in the OT when he sacrificed the livestock of an enemy against the will of God because the people wanted him to that woke me up from caring too much about the will of others. We should be thinking about what pleases God first. This is healthy for us and others.
Like most things in life, it depends. I’d take it on a case by case basis. Some do it for worship, some do it in worship of others, some were given the wrong ideas about compassion, the list goes on. It’s better to just have a conversation before trying to spiritually diagnose someone who’s struggling.
PS....the video my son sent me was from James Talarico's UA-cam channel on March 27 of 2024. Total bash of Christian Nationalism. Spews many lies about so many things, all wrapped up in a shiny smooth talking 'sermon' . Makes me so sad my son discovered this guy.
Joyce Meyer wrote one. I've seen a few on this subject.
Generally good. But Irrelevant waffle about ice cream and McDonald's. Not everybody can drive or indeed get help advice from husband.
Unsubscribed. Thank you for ushering in lawlessness.
your edits during your monologe are distracting, take away from your excellent presentation, in my opinion
Hmmm… never noticed and think the production quality for this channel is superb. I guess you never know what people’s tastes are like. Have a good and God bless you!
Wow, I never noticed those. Maybe you should worry about the content of what she’s saying and not how it’s edited together. I think that might be an issue with your heart.
@@paulan7218 I was trying to make a helpful suggestion. Maybe I should have used a few emogies. I like the channel and content very much
I’ve noticed that sometimes too. There’s nothing morally wrong with pointing out an aesthetic issue as long as it’s to encourage improvement which you seem to be doing.
@paulan7218
That’s going too far and assuming the worst of someone. It’s ok for someone to notice an issue that you don’t and recommend improvement they said the video was good otherwise which means that they agree with the content. They just want to help Melissa improve. Please don’t make quick judgments like that.
Ed welsh did. When people are big and God is small. It’s great.