Infantilising and Coddling: Too Much Safety Culture?
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- Опубліковано 20 тра 2024
- Infantilising generally refers to treating someone as if they were an infant or child, regardless of their actual age or capabilities. Coddling would refer to being overly protective, treating people as if they are vulnerable somehow, and it can happen in relationships, families, workplaces, universities etc.
It can involve speaking to someone as if they are an infant, making decisions on their behalf, assuming emotional fragility and using trigger warnings.
Although some people may appreciate certain measures aimed at creating supportive environments, others may perceive them as limiting personal responsibility and autonomy.
Whether with done with good intentions or as a way to control and create dependancy, this video looks at the affects of adults being infantilised and overly protected, how it can affect self confidence, self efficacy, and autonomy.
00:00 Intro
01:08 Infantilising
02:23 Safety Culture
04:01 Affects of Infantilising
06:34 Summary
#safetyculture #emotionalfragility #mentalhealth
Patronizing is a silent or disguised form of aggression and keeps others small and dependent. Especially if the person who patronizes is proud of his so-called good care and gossips about the person who receives his/her care. It is actually a disrespectful way of providing 'care'.
Or providing this kind of coddling becomes a competition, or a game of one upmanship with someone else: 'look how much I do for you, I am indispensable. '
Absolutely, it is aggression. And if u don't obey, the cold shoulder or disapproval is another form of aggression, and it's a lose lose, if you don't do what they say, they brand you sensitive, awkward, difficult, confrontational, aggressive.....
I grew up in a household where a functioning adult was constantly infantilized to modulate his emotions; otherwise, he'd rage and become violent.
Infantilising, coddling, patronising, micromanaging are favourite tactics of abusive narcissists people to gain power and control over others. And it is often done under to cover of care and concern. Thank you Darren 😊
My mother was like this when I was growing up but only when it suited her. When it suited her to leave us in danger she’d do that too.
I can relate to this when children are abused and they can't get out of their situation they have learned helplessness
Very helpful, Darren! Thank you!
One of my mentees is going through this with a parent who constantly treats her as if she is incapable of making her own decisions. She is 30 years old and experiences all of the above when interacting with this person i.e., self worthlessness, incredible resentment, frustration and even anger. In her parent’s eyes she can’t do anything right.
My biggest words of encouragement -set boundaries and know that it’s OKAY to take a permanent break from toxic people -especially those who try to rob you of your independence, personal joy and self esteem. The greatest person you can love is yourself. And, the only person you need permission from when you’re an adult -is yourself.
In addition to counseling, I encouraged her to go to her ‘safe space’, which she has described as listening to music, exercise and reading. Can’t go wrong with that!
When I look back at the challenges that I was able to overcome, I realize not only how difficult it was to work through, but how liberating it was to forgive and to let go.
Famous author, Lewis B. Smedes couldn’t have said it better, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Thanks again, Darren!
Unless that so called adult lives at home. How do we deal with those issue. Making choices is great if you have a job and functioning adult. It’s a hard balance when an adult child has been thru narc abuse parent and and over protective mom. Both partners from toxic environments and mom is working on it and dad has ghosted and pops in randomly. Oldest adult child is on high way of destruction
My mother is this way with my brother and me, though seriously worse with my brother who has a lot of mental and health illnesses. As I'm processing my childhood trauma and making sense of everything, the person who was hurt the most by my cluster B parents was my brother. My mother felt guilty that she'd "made him sick" (she has type 1 diabetes, so when he got it, obviously he got it from her, right?) and smothered him. My old man didn't give a rip about any of us, so everything that happened went through her and she caused so much destruction.
My brother is so sick now that he either can't or won't try to do anything for himself. He needed help as a child because he was antisocial from a young age even before he got diabetes, but our parents were too busy fighting with each other and disagreeing about how to punish my bro for acting out that they did nothing for him at all. And now he's ruined. He has no life, no quality of life, and he takes medicine to exist. He's stuck. He's angry and violent and cruel. All he and my mother do is scream at each other and fight, and then she bends over backwards to keep his temper barely in check while pushing all his buttons so he'll scream at her again. It is the worst thing I have ever seen in my life, and it never ends -- at least not until one of them dies. Trauma bonds, enmeshment, infantilizing, it is all there.
I hate my parents for this. I hate what they did to me, but I hate them more for how they destroyed my brother who was innocent in all this and just needed some adults to help him. Every excuse was made, every situation swept under the rug -- while he abused me I was screamed at to "GET OVER IT!" My bro did terrible things to me, our family, and even people who were not family. No one was spared from his terror. I will never forgive my parents for this, and my brother will never know how much I hurt for him and how I wish things had turned out differently. I get no joy out of having no relationship with my family. I'm a bitch for not wanting to deal with it anymore after 40 years of it. Go figure.
Thank you, Darren. This video hit pretty hard.
Fitting since they are paranoid monster toddlers
Let me add this point regarding my departure from home: I noticed that whenever I came back on leave or visited from TN, I sensed that my mother expected me to conform to the child role as though I was still an adolescent and she was my guardian.
Needless to say that it wasn't happening, and it has caused even more tension to such a degree that I stay away to keep the peace.
I have come to see that some people don't change and she won't, so no contact means no conflicts.
After my preteen and teen years with her, I have had enough drama to last a lifetime.
@JeffreyJackson -I commend you for your courage to set boundaries and strength to persevere. Choosing to create distance, or stay away is not an easy decision to make. It was a decision I made when I was 18. And although I went back for short visits, I always found myself in tears on the drive back home asking why I even bothered. Despite the occasional question of WHY - there are incredible lessons to learn from every visit and every encounter with toxic people. They’re lessons that not only inspires us to be better people as a whole but to make better choices and decisions in our relationships with others and in our lives.
Back in the days, we didn’t have half the technology, let alone resources we have today to help us understand the types of people we were dealing with. We had to resort to private discussions with our closest friends, or private sessions with therapists who would listen but not fully narrow it all down into a 10 minute video and a perspective that makes perfect sense. So grateful for Darren and his channel.
I am 75 and went through the “aging system” and am out and independent. I try to speak exactly what you’re saying to Aging programs because they are doing exactly what you are saying. It does make some like myself rebel but many become more and more dependent putting a strain on families and the health system.
Our precious seniors is a phrase often used. My thought is that their charity could be my detriment. I am in the USA.
Yup! I absolutely hate the advertisement that extols the virtuas of retirement homes as "A place for Mpm.". It makes Mom sound like an idiot. That add is not even directed at Mom but her family as if she cannot make decisions.
My gosh!!! Thanks!! My parents over protected me! My mom mainly! Both treated me like a man needed to do everything to protect me!
NOW THIS I'LL LISTEN TO!
Same. I clicked on this so fast..
Great timing with this topic! The today's topic 😊. I seem to understand better why I've always have some issues with authoritative persons, patronising tones and control freaks and always start searching for my flaws. So much to be explore further, very informative and helpful video as always. Thank you for your videos !❤
3:23 Meghan Markle and Harry of England are doing this, allegedly to keep others safe, but ultimately to keep their critics silenced. But as someone once scrawled on the walls of Rome.
"Who will watch the watchers?“
Guy Fawkes has entered the chat
This is a good one for me because of the harsh treatment I felt growing up I treated people I guess you could say really sweet it took me forever to understand what they thought of it
After I got older way older I had some people get on to me for it
I finally decided to evaluate my behavior and concluded that I did come across a bit condensating I meant no harm but I was so afraid to hurt someone's feelings
Thank you this is a good subject
Somebody can treat you from the one up position, like it's taken as read that they know better. The games people play by Eric Byrne and I'm ok you're OK by .. Harris.
These books explain how people do this
I will spare you every example, but let's just say that infantilising is crippling. I see it throughout my immediate family and it's generational.
After high school, I left for the military to get away from it and never looked.
They are in MD, I'm in TN, and life is good.
In what toxic ways "hospitality", food and feeding is used by narcissistic mother?
My ex husband was treated this way by his mom. That's why I'm raising our 3 sons by myself and my ex left us continuously for his mom. He still with his mom at 50
My ex the same. Our 3 are grown now- their dad still with mommy @66!
Im sorry to hear that, its embarrassing for me and our sons. My ex was a very covert narcissist. @@tesscastro2652
@@tesscastro2652 did your ex have a hard time keeping a job? Or couldn't handle common life situations. My mother n law was like the mistress in our marriage
Looks like your personality detector malfunctioned.
@@whatisthis9951 it did. I see now
It cripples someone crom growing up.
Another aspect is cultural differences. I was over there traveling when Princess Diana was killed in france. I was traveling independently driving all over there. But I thought of her that she was so dependent on her drivers standing in a restaurant Lobby in the dark everyone having drunk alcohol. And she is relying on all these men to drive them. It is helpless and I don't like that. I was in therapy myself and I was learning to be independently moving about so I'm from the US and I was over there driving all over England and then France. But I can identify with not being able to do any of that and depending on a man or men to be driving you around or doing everything for you.
Things that are easy, are less satisfying, than things that are challenging, or skills that have to be learned.
While your comment might be a reaction to the idea of "safe spaces" and all that politicized psycho stuff, it's also exactly the sort of thing abusers narcs and sociopaths say to try to infantilize their victims. That sounds like a contradiction but I think it fits actually because the "safe spaces" sort of people are essentially infantilizing themselves in a performative manner in an attempt to gaslight everyone else by painting themselves as victims in obviously disingenuous ways to try to get a rise out of people.
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I have an AARP card, and my crazy ass family thinks that they are going to tell me how to live my life. LOL.
Ditto.
Aren't infantilizing and coddling on the opposite ends of the same spectrum?
Where's the line between infantilising and kindness? If a child (8 years old) is crying because they've misplaced their bus travel pass and are afraid that now they can't go into town with their Dad to go to the cinema, and they're sobbing and you tell them, 'Don't worry, honey, let me have a look in the kitchen, l'll find it!' - is that, as the dad says, "treating the child like a baby"? Bus pass was in the kitchen, as suspected. To this day, whenever any adult expresses sympathy to this now young man, or concern, it's called "infantilisation". Hugs are taboo, same reason. Smiling is taboo, same reason. Only Dad was ever allowed to touch, hug, kiss this child who is now an angry and violent young man. If his mother as much as smiled at the baby, it was "don't infantilise him", "don't use baby talk"... Where's the line?
DFM 👏😶
You're probably bored by the same comment I always make but you just described my mother in-law in terms of the infantalizer
Question . What if someone were brought up strictly with avoiding this problem, being infantalised?
Like .. ummm.. my husband!now I know I'm not the sharpest tool, and for that matter, no one can attest to being superior really.
But this man will talk down to me using words right out of this video in protest to me informing him of things he has to do 😂.
Now, this isn't me giving orders.... Far from it!
It's simple things like, you should pay attention to the way your bank works and you should know what is happening around you so you can avoid trouble ....
This is advice to someone who insisted he was pretty perfect to start off.
I don't know how it come to be this way with him and I, but he has had to much freedom with my anxietys over 20 years and I'm down right sick of it.
I won't get another second chance at life and iv told him I realised I have to consider if any of it is worth the effects after iv put in to help everyone.
He's exhausting!
How can you grow up and deal with life, if you are shown from day one that being infantile is BAD!! and that you should own your adult self in favour of anyone teaching you anything!
I'm not infantilising him as he suggests, not do I want him to feel like an idiot as he suggests.
But growing up a bit more wouldn't hurt because it's doing my head in!
See the statement at 2:20. Is this what you're doing? Step. Away. (I've done this too, women from childhood are taught to coddle the menfolk)
@@sharonthompson672 no.. I had literally stoped helping him in anyway. I basically made him take over doing the things I was doing... What happens was, he now feels he's always done this job and and I get told I don't do anything! I expected another adult to help in life's difficulty I always thought he knew a thing or two, he wants constant praise or he feels he's not appreciated for what he does.
But he is whole heartedly mindless of others.
But what will the old childfree women do if they don’t infantilize criminals? 😂
I totally was infantalizing my spouse. Whoops