If You Love a Narcissist, This is For You
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- Опубліковано 6 сер 2020
- He is handsome, yet dead. His eyes are twin infinite dark tunnels, leading to the netherworld of his void.
The twinkle in his irises is a reflection of your tears.
His smile ruptures his face and tears your heart apart.
You are reduced to smithereens. A frozen grimaced scream in a surrealistic nightmare that once used to be a dream.
He is absence and chaos and unadulterated anguish and shattered fantasy and shuttered lives.
He craves love and intimacy but he pushes you away, enraged by your presumptuousness in offering him both.
He fears hurt and pain and rejection and abandonment.
So he hurts you first, basks in your agony and in your writhing, as he preemptively rejects and abandons you, renders you transparent, ethereal, unreal.
You dissolve in his distracted, faraway gaze as he contemplates your insignificance, heart broken, mind splintered.
You shrivel as you inhale the toxic fumes of his nonbeing, his despondent and hopeless darkness, a miasmic emanation, a life rejected, a night without dawn in his sunless, arctic days.
Frozen, you shiver involuntarily.
The relationship with him is a form of self-harm, self-mutilation. He is death by a thousand invisible paper cuts. You are become eruptive, infuriated scar tissue.
Sometimes he is an ephemeral child, peering lachrymose from behind the wall of torment that passes for his soul.
Sometimes he is all hugs and tender need and cuddling and tucking in and cheeks and laughs and the good times of apparent love.
And then it’s gone. Recedes. Remits. Reverts. A shape-shifting and pregnant cloud behind the event horizon of his devouring black hole.
He is penumbral. Fleeting. An apparition. A remembrance of things past and the crumbling sepia dust of what could have been. The promise unkept, unkempt.
An eerie, disembodied dance, the music wafting, your former selves entwined.
Buy most of my books in Amazon www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...
" a relationship with him is like self harm"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ohhh myyyy goddddddddddd! So true
So poetic. When i talked to my therapist about my relationship with my ex husband, and tried to understand myself and what all happened, he said something that helped me a lot. “His insincerity was sincere”
Fuck. Thankyou for sharing that one.
@@Chris-0113 I told my ex narc many times the only thing consistent about them was their inconsistency.
@@Chris-0113 that's so accurate...
God Damn
Truly frightening, poetically perfect.
At discard phase, you can see the hate and dismissiveness in the narcissist's eyes very clearly. Nothing to hide, any longer.
I think i saw this exact piercing look from his eyes today....why dont i want to believe it? I am still in denial. Please help me God!!!!
The excruciating but ultimately alchemical process of loving a narcissist captured beautifully.
This is so precise! Problem is they portray a wonderful human being to other people and nobody can grasp what is going on in the relationship. Death by 1000 cuts but the most people can see is barely one and they tell you to stop overreacting. They didn't witness the other 999 cuts.
So true about the 999 they didn't see. Or believed the narcissist when he/she lied negating/justifying/blaming instead
Death by 1000 cuts explained the narcissistic abuse perfectly.
I have removed myself from that nightmare. Can not do it anymore.
Ditto 👍
And I left my father too who is exactly the same.
@Sara Martinez it takes time but keep watching these videos and prayer helped me. You can do it. It won't happen over night
Me too. Today was the last day
I remember myself looking at him deep in his eyes and I saw this dark deep ocean of emptiness I said „i cannot fix it“. At that point I wasn’t aware it’s narcissism, but I realize it pretty fast.
You hit the nail on its sad flat head. When times with my ex were good, it was excellent. But....when times were bad(most of the time)it was a nightmare.
@@karlashmeedavlasta6365 that's right.
True. Dreamy memories
@@bretthartin5877 wow good point thanks
I called my ex plastic fruit... gorgeous with no nutritional value. It's crazy I knew something was off but had no clue it ran that deep
Yep, just an empty facade. Great metaphor though, thanks for sharing!
A perfect summarization of my time & relationship (if you can call it that) with the narcissist. It only lasted a year but the amount of pain and mental torture I endured feels like 10 years. Praying for healing 🙏
Yup 👍🏻 situationship with transactional affections of exploitation and manipulation
It will pass it took 2 yrs and a New love to heal💪🏾
@@denisec6473 🎯💯
@@denisec6473 perfectly said💔
I'm back here listening the poem again and again and can't believed I'm still with him despite this mental pain and even torture. I would like to kill him sometimes. He can't see ,can't feel no emotion no heart just one very deep hole . I think when I could find the "RIGHT
LOVE"" I could do what I should to do. 💔🖤🖤
Oh my, this reduced me to tears. In the middle of a divorce now after 20 years ... of exactly what this poem describes. Saddest day of my life when I finally got it. Thank you for posting this.
Did any of you have children with them? I hope you are in the sunshine now.
I am going through divorce after 18years of marriage. It’s been 5 months since I left home. I am in so much pain mentally emotionally and physically. I feel sad for him. I am also grateful that I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I will never neglect my perception ever.
Reality check. ✅ He's handsome but he's dead. Facts! Sad facts 😢
😭😭😭😭😭 The man I love the most is a narcissist. It's been so hard to walk away.
My god...all the love for you...believe the time will be getting better
I am with you and feel your pain
I left three times and keep going back because I love this man
In fact we are meeting up tomorrow because he needs help
I know I shouldn’t but it’s so hard when you love that person 😓
@@momfromnj911 Feel your pain too, same here
@@momfromnj911 How do you know that he is a narcissist?
Same
This poetic description sounds like something right out of an Edgar Allen Poe poem ...or Stephen King novel for that matter!
Poe
Thankyou,it is poetic,hard truth, painful
@@sunnypouliot6187 How did you 'Feel' writing it?
This is unbelievable how universal this experience is. 💔 It is living in a constant state of tension, never ending hope and anticipation.
You just captured my feelings exactly! The wife and two sons who loved him the most in this life are the ones he hurt the most. And the outside world sees someone completely different. Surreal for sure!
Wow! Never heard the toxic love of a narcissist so perfectly captured 😱
It's as if you know us both intimately. No one would berate me for giving up, yet somehow, somewhere deep inside is a voice that tells me not to cast him aside. That to do so would be to condemn him to a life of darkness, lies, deception, hopelessness and loneliness that only those raised by a narcissist can comprehend. Thank you, Sam.
Morgan This is what i concluded just this week. I have decided to stay with my narc. Not as a sutee sacrifice but i could not bear knowing how even his empty soul would slide into an even deeper emptier place. I feel the same it would be casting him aside and i would not do that.This odd life is what it is . It is my odd. I see the lost boy and no one wants further abandonment. My humanity won't save his narcissism but it will be the right thing for me not to fail. It is bloody hard .
@@barbarawarren9443 sorry to hear that, Barbara. That's heartbreaking. But when the violence starts, it is indeed time to create some safe distance. Take care, be safe and I hope you find the healing you need. I know exactly how it feels to love a man who is constantly trying to sabotage your love because he's terrified of it, despite the fact that he often pleads for it with his beautiful blue eyes 🤦♂️
@@carolinegraystone9308 courageous decision! I often feel that my love for someone raised by a very nasty bitch of a narc is a call to sacrificial love. It's a sort of epic Greek tragedy in which I derive satisfaction from knowing that beyond all the pain and trauma, all the trouble and strife lies a love so pure and unconditional that it can only be divine in nature and origin. Perhaps when all is said and done, your love is the only thread that stops him falling into oblivion. Perhaps in some cases, to persist in loving a narc is more a calling in and of itself than just another love story.
@@morgankors1344 Morgan you expressed it perfectly caroline
Caroline and Morgan, I understand your reasoning for staying and it is a noble, selfless, high ground sacrifice to display love and nurturing to a very damaged, broken individual. My pastor actually asked me if I thought my "purpose" was to show my partner unconditional love. It takes one damned strong person, secure in themselves to sign on for that. If you care to read the book "Deeply Troubled, Radically Forgiven", the author herself commits to a Herculean journey that probably few could finish. Worth a read.
What a chilling, Vivid and accurate description. I felt his "tremors, earthquakes and aftershocks". He was indeed cancerous and rancid. Dark and cold like a dungeon. Im GRATEFUL to be free from him, living in the LIGHT, loving LIFE and loving MYSELF. ❤
Long time subscriber, first time commentator. For myself, this was your most powerful
"Public Service Announcement."
Thank you sir...
Summed up in an eloquent poem, one that only someone who fell in love with a narcissist would understand....
You have just added a new level of respect - Damn sounds almost beautiful with your words
One of the most profound poems I have ever heard, it spoke to my soul. You truly are a gifted being.
👏👏Standing Ovation👏👏
SAM, I sincerely thank you for being a helpful place for me to come to on a regular basis!! You have helped pull me out of dark times and I can always count on viewing something I need to see ..
I am almost 2 yrs trying to come out of a 7 yr extremely abusive relationship (in every way) with a narcissist .. .. I hate that I crave his love although he tried to kill me .. we have court to deal with and COVID messed the process up so I sit and wait .. I’m diagnosed borderline a few years ago and he actually used my childhood trauma to hurt me often 😢 .. I have so many blessings in my life and someday I hope I feel part of them ... anyone who might be reading this please don’t ever give up on yourself .. I’m not giving up on me ... HAD to vent .
They are only attracted to us because of our chronic addiction to trauma bonds.
Holy wow... very underrated comment! I wrote this down. Extremely precise and painfully insightful.
@@kaylaschroeder1 Thank you very much. Going through it gives a very raw perspective.
@@InteGritti I couldn't agree more.
I just had to replace "he" with "she" but same applies. Sad to hear such a direct truth...but is true. I was trying to explain what happened during my discard to a female friend of mine and she was disgusted and visibly upset the more I described being let go like I was. She couldn't believe she just let me go like that after everything we had gone thru. Amazing you can't see the "Hall of Mirrors" until you leave the Funhouse....
Ah so true about not being able to see the hall of mirrors. And the "fun house" aka "house of horrors" seems nearly impossible to escape!! I'm trying
This should be a well known and used piece published everywhere for the introduction for all the newcomers of this world so they will know for sure they're in the right place. If you can't relate to this then this is not your place.
💯
"He is death. He is demise by a thousand invisible paper cuts. And you have become eruptive, infuriated scar tissue. You are a wound where a person used to exist"
Precisely how it feels 💔
They can be interesting to have as friends (which for them is assets) because their psychology is so different to an average person that they are like a live case study of an alien or some rare being in human form. But like a scientist studying its subject, you never want to get attached to it, or involved emotionally/psychologically. Same thing happens if you become enamoured by a humanlike robot - they have a very limited range of thoughts and emotions which they repeat over an over ad infinitum - they will never fully or even greatly satisfy you with their company. They are a "limited use" item.
That is probably entirely accurate, but also extremely depressing, because of course we do. We are TAUGHT to attach.
@@crz033 I think you'll find it becomes a lot more depressing over time to forget this and attach to them. You'll experience a much greater and deeper range of disappointments and disturbances than if you acknowledge the hard truths about them.
OMG SO frighteningly true
Yes! Yet, we cant be friends with such a human
Straight to the core.... Thank you for this 😶
I dare to say that even when this depiction is horrid in a soul level, you are a true poet and artist too Professor Vaknin. Was wondering if you have written poetry, it would be awesome reading it. One of the most nuclear videos about this I have ever watched.
Some of my poetry samvak.tripod.com/contents.html My short fiction samvak.tripod.com/sipurim.html
@@samvaknin Oh, thank you. Gonna read it. Greetings from Mexico.
@@samvaknin Indeed, you are a true poet, Dr Vaknin! My greetings and outmost appreciation of your diverse talents, from Athens Greece!
@@samvaknin You are a gifted and talented wordsmith. The duality of the heart is both a blessing and an eternal curse. I am moved to tears by your words. So divergent and emotional. So familiar. There is a sort of relief and solace in your grief. Thank you for sharing.
@@samvaknin definitely going to read.
Bloody hell! What a stark poem to the reality of the narcissisist!! A conspiracy to the promise of an idea of love that never happened!
"The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees.
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas.
The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding-
Riding-riding-
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door." The Highwayman
BY ALFRED NOYES
Yes, I learnt this in school many years ago...
Waoooo! The best description I have ever seen of a narcissist. Thank you!
So poetically put .. this is my life ... after 25 yrs I am still trying to get better after 4 yrs free of him!!
I feel the same. 30 years in it, a year and a half out... feel lost, stuck, despondent. How do you heal? How do you ever get your heart freed? Seriously. Makes you feel so deeply saddened.
It has always been about your hands
The way you hold them
Slightly away from your body
As if you’re going to draw a gun
The scars they carry,
A life of labour.
Your hands touched my skin,
like jumper cables.
Your tentative hands touched me,
As if they held a diamond
In an eggshell.
Now they hang limp when I reach to hold you.
They rest on my skin like dead birds.
They rise to brush aside my words
When i speak.
You placed me on a pedestal,
Then used your beautiful hands
To push me off
Touching. Thank you for sharing.
Sam has helped me understand so much. I love these videos. I love this knowledge. This has helped me cope and find myself again. Thanks Sam.
Brilliant poetic summation of my nightmare.
The unshed tears are coming in waves. Thank you for helping me release them. Your poetry is beautiful.
Completely beautiful poetry about such a dark entity, thank you for that.
Dude that was like poetry…. And it was all seriously on point. Made me feel this pang of terror and anguish deep inside. I have distanced myself from my Narcissist but these feelings are there still…. You’re brilliant.
This is poetry to my ears!
wow - dark poetic elucidation
Unbelievably insightful, soulful and poetic....brilliant, just brilliant
Hi Sam! My partner is Narcissus . Gosh I listening to your narration 8 times and your sentences are exactly flowing from your "soul and soulless center" . To be honest, I'm really deeply touched by Sam's words. .. ... came to my heart, bringing tears to my eyes. when the text says about ""reflection- upon reflection and you in their reflection as well and the twinkling is irises that is also reflection, a reflection of your tears and his smile ruptures his face tears your heart apart """" enough because your words made me cry. I know one thing, this video and your poetic words will probably stay with me forever.
it's so beautiful, too beautiful to forget. I can say, Sam, you gave me a lot to think about with this narrative, it's as beautiful as it is cold in the reflection of mirrors.
Thank you now I know how to understand my partner 🤨🥺
After 4 long draining years and two beautiful children later.. I’ve realized I’m not in a relationship but an ownership.. this man has broken me mentally spiritually emotionally and physically. I’ve allowed this man to strip me of my own sense of self .. I’ve allowed him to let me loose sight of my ambition .. my goals.. my Individuality .. my Tenacity grace and confidence.. something keeps telling me it’s time.. I know the road ahead of me is a long one.. and I’m terrified.. I’ve been Financially bullied and abused and I’m not really in the best financial state to make it.. I have two young children and a 13 year old from a previous relationship that’s depending on me and see me as superwoman .. stumbling on this video , further let’s me know it’s time..
I feel your pain!
You can do it. Believe in yourself. Remember he's a phony, but you're the real deal. Struggle can make you stronger and helps you prove to yourself that you can do it.
A relationship that sends ripples through life long after the stone sunk to the bottom.
This is heartbreakingly profound. I don't know whether to thank you or just go stare into space and weep.
Beautifully described and 100% accurate. How desperately sad.
Wow. Just wow. Love. Love, Love. I admire your ability to put such emotion into a written form. I never knew how to explain the depth ness of what I felt. This captures the longing, the dooming certain rejection you've come to know in such a tangible way. Brilliant.
beautiful and so sad...
This is precisely how it is..
the vulnerable little boy you sometimes see makes you stay.
and you put up with his toxic behavior..
because I know how my little girl inside me feels..
the hunger for love, attention.
and I becoming toxic to at moments he not sees me, no validation... nothing more than
la puppet thrown in the corner... left broken..
eventually everything crumbles to dust....
and my reflection in the mirror is nothing more than what could have been...
He danced me spellbound through the gates of hell. "You've opened Pandora's box " he said as the true horror of what he is was revealed after more than two decades.
I've had to leave him in hell.
" had to leave him in hell "That is the bit that scares me
Sinead Kirby perfect description. Unfortunately so.
This moves me to tears. Thank you for sharing this. Today I needed these words.
I am so moved by this poignant description of my life. I just wasn't expecting this as i sat down with my coffee! You are a master wordsmith and your words help so much. Thank you, Sam.
Painfully beautiful dr. Sad yet relieving 😪❤
So pleased to hear your voice behind the sentiment of my experience. Your voice was also explaining how to understand my obsession for’why’. Now I know and thank you!
Wow Wow Wow! Hit me like a ton of bricks. I never even considered he was narcissist. I even thought, maybe he's borderline until you spoke on the "hugs" and "laughs" the good times... that was my exact reason why thought I was wrong.... but you described to the "T" Thank you so much for this.... It really helped me...I needed this.
Sam,
This is the most beautifully expressed poetry of narcissism I have ever experienced. Thank you for sharing your exquisite words, dark depictions and perpetual pain of loving a narcissist. Belle 🦋
Brilliant! This explanation/description is spot on! An “a-ha!” Moment. Thank you.
And still... I look for evidence that I could be wrong about him.
@@saoirsekay5204 Do they like to think as they do? Do they like to behave as they do?
Ya know I look at and analyze my current boyfriend and see covert narcissist but don't like to think of him in that way. The surest way he's hurt me is by withholding sex from me. Because he doesn't want to do it.
@@mariehalsey8892 Thank you, Marie! for getting back to me! I wondered why we let such people into our lives and allow them to treat us that way.
My situation is a projection from my childhood, when I had no choice, but to love my parents, even when they humiliated me and violated my boundaries. I accepted this by default. And that's what attracts and accepts wrong relationships into my life.
This child in me is constantly longing for the love that I was not given as a child!!!
I forgave loved unconditionally bt yet not enough n discarded me savagely
Painful...beautifully written and expressed. Thank you. You help to clarify what is happening in the choking fog. Potent reminder that self extraction was the best thing. The carousels' horses have sharp teeth. Thank you.
Wow. So well said. And so horrible that it can be this way. And it was. I left IT .. about 7 years ago. Your vids at the time helped me save myself. Thank you for that Sam. I've met others similar to him, after him, but I did not fall for IT again , because I could still feel my soul reeling with anger and grief. All that I lost because I loved that one. That one 7 years ago. But I did NOT engage with the ones I met after him. Thank goodness. I learned. 7 years past, and 7 years still able to remember the agony. But now that I know, I don't have to relive it ANY MORE.
I did shiver and then I cried a single tear. Thank you Dr Vaknin.
He is like Lord Voldemort in Harry potter in the last movie where his soul is split into seven pieces and what Harry sees is one fragment laying there dying sad and alone. Even though Harry wants to help him, Dumbledore tells him that no one can help him he will have to just die. Honestly this video made me cry because I saw what you were describing in my own mothers eyes as well as the one I love so much. I have pondered what this empty void I see and it is something I cant explain but it feels me with so much sadness that it sometimes renders me inert.
I needed to hear this today. Thank you.
This is so accurate.....it really hurts...but at the same time...liberating. .thank you!
Achingly Exquisite! Brought tears to my eyes so moving and you see through the windows of the soul.
Thank you, Dr. VAKNIN.
Beautifully and astutely stated.
So true ! Wow !! Thanks Sam .
This description checks all the boxes.
It makes me feel bitter, because it’s all true.
This is brilliant Sam. Thank you!
Beautifully said Sam!
Sam. I hope you are aware that you save many lives and mine has been one of them. Thank you so much for helping make sense of the senseless.
Absolutely gorgeous!! My favourite video on this subject thus far.
Sam, you are always true in each and every aspect of this particular personality disorder and in a very poetic way. Somehow it makes it less painful. Thank you, Dr. Rohan
Wow Sam, perfectly described..
Exquisitly painful never ending heartbreak
Beautiful Poem💓 I found myself continually watching your videos as I’ve recently left a relationship. Many times he’s hurt me and apologised but done the same thing as if he deep down enjoys hurting me. Near the end of our relationship he even called me a narcissist and I started questioning myself and continue to question if i am what he says i am. It is a shame because even his parents are under the illusion that the hurt and violence he displays is due to a pandemic. I saw the red flags from the beginning but i stayed because i loved him. I was became codependent on him. Now that is over i thing about all the thing that went wrong and what wrong i did that contributed to our separation. I’m sure i will heal and learn from this experience and maybe understand why that I experienced happened.
Beautifully articulated description of my experience ... and I still have hope
You said it all!!! What a nightmare
Absolutely and unapologetically..
- mind blown
Thank you Sam
I CANNOT LOVE THE NARCISSIST. BECAUSE I LOVE MYSELF. ONLY THOSE WHO DONT HAVE SELF LOVE FALL PREY TO THESE BEASTS.
Oh wow this was mesmerising.
Never heard it put more succinctly.
Thank you for being alive to help us. I know where J K Rowling's dementors come from now. I have felt them too. Slowly gathering my shattered pieces together, I've never had pain like this.
i cant even bear this without breaking down
I have lived that to the very word, no one has ever said it more accurately.
Damn. Smh. This is so beautifully accurate.
Wow, NAILED IT! Perfect
Wow nice ! description very accurate
Wow. Thank you!!
👏👏Amazing ,Sam! Well said!💐
all i can say , is thank U , for yr infomation🥰 i cud never put into words my emotions , always feeling irrational ! but now u've helped me balancd out my emotions with logic.
@@glorye695 Please explain , so i can understand more!😊
@@glorye695 thank u Glory E , Its good to know there is help out there!!
Loving u hurts so much
Thank you 🙏
This is my life, yet im here.
Same lovely 😭 legit have nowhere else to go
@@ambertorres7662 😪
Wow your words are so true , I’m so in love with him!
So poetically worded, the bitter sweet dance between these two people until it’s past resuscitation point. This is the experience, and the lesson.
Thank you Mr. Vaknin
Narcissism...how do we figure out a way to imprison them for psychological abuse? Their psychological abuse is so much worse than physical abuse. Why is physical abuse punished by law while psychological abuse is ignored. I would rather be punched in the face every morning when I wake up for the rest of my life than to be abused by a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath.
Yes, tis' worse. It is even harder when you have to live in the area where you had the relationship. You try to make a separate life for yourself, years later, but the memories find their way back. They, somehow, find a way. Then, you, find a way to work past them, one day at a time.
My word!! I just got a cold feeling listening to your poetry and reading the comments. Now you see, me now you don't. Such a pattern with my ex that I experiencing again. So airy