How to Help an Alcoholic or a Drug Addict: Detachment with Love
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- Опубліковано 6 лис 2015
- Counselor Carl (serenityonlinetherapy.com) explains why "Detachment with Love," an Al-Anon concept, is the best approach for helping yourself in this most painful situation AND for helping your alcoholic or drug addict realize they have a problem and seek help. He states that detachment with love involves learning complex behaviors, so he describes in great detail what detachment with love is and is not. Counselor Carl's straight-forward teaching style makes complex concepts easy to understand. Counselor Carl is a licensed, professional counselor with 19 years of clinical experience both online and face-to-face.
It’s so hard 😭. I love my partner so much. It’s painful to watch the self destruction. 😞
Wow, the concept of avoiding arguing to ensure that you cant be used as an excuse to drink is a tough battle, but one that has to be had
+WhatsNardin There is a big learning curve to skillfully interacting with someone you care about who is addicted or alcoholic.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy I am finding the ONLY way is to not communicate with them at all. It is heart breaking - but I cannot see any other choice. :(
@@timothyphelan1971 Yes, sometimes our desire to be healthy requires us to to make some painful, but necessary, decisions.
I agree, that is really hard. I am just coming to al-anon after many many years of thinking about it. I struggle with the idea of detachment, probably because I don't understand it fully. My alcoholic husband makes me to source of all his problems, and I feel compelled to refute him, because I think if I don't, he'll never see the real cause. But all that horrid arguing goes nowhere and I always Lose. One problem is that, if I try to not engage and he's really inebriated and angry, he will follow me everywhere and not leave me alone.
@@sarahbreisch4750Yes. My husband did the same to me. One day I pulled a butcher knife on him.
I did not hurt him though I wanted to.
It was in that moment that I knew I had to get away from him.
It took years of praying and planning as the Holy Spirit led me.
I could no longer abide by addictions painful rules, as I needed to ABIDE IN GOD'S LOVE AND PRESENCE.
I had to put God back on the throne of my life as I was failing.
Trying to hold everyone else's lives together had broken me .
I had
It was the long game and I was playing emotional 5D chess with an emotional terrorist.
Watching the series "Homeland" twice taught me a lot about boundaries and how to negotiate with a terrorist.
God bless each of us amen
The fact that you are responding to comments 5 years later is amazing. I love my wife more than anything, and I am so glad that I found this video. I am familiar with the concept but I haven’t heard it in a way that actually makes sense to me. I am going to watch this video as many times as I need to in order to fully understand and bolster my confidence in me, and know that I am not detaching out of spite or anger, but out of love and the hope that the realization that comes with the consequences of actions will help the woman I fell in love with.
Hi, Justin. I wish the best in your journey to healing and recovery.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy my adult son is an alcoholic, thank you for sharing this information, i have to learn to set boundaries, i am a nervous reck and i always try to rescue him with no avail, going to learn to take care of myself ❤
@@virgv3087 Best wishes in your recovery!
I came across this video as I was ready to give up on my partner. I’ve spent years trying to understand why he can’t just stop drinking even though he tells me he wishes he could. Yet, he won’t get help. My heart is heavy and this really helped to put my feelings in perspective. I felt so much anger for him letting me down. His father was a Alcoholic and so was my dad. I will be attending my first al anon meeting Friday and this video has brought me hope. Reading everyone’s comments makes me feel like I am not alone. Thank you for this!
I wish you the best, Claudia, in your recovery! And I wish the best for your partner too.
How did you go with Al Anon? It is saving me right now.
This is so helpful. I have 2 adult alcoholic kids just like their Dad. I must grieve the loss of my illusions, dreams & hopes for the alcoholics and my life together. This just about killed me when they turned out like their Dad, with this disease and nothing I can do about it. I go to Alanon which helps but after kicking and screaming I am finally accepting.
what makes you think addiction is a disease? Psychologists are charlatans that can not distinguish the mind from a brain disease. The truth that saved my life and would save your son and humanity’s life, because you are like me, is that addiction is the psychology of a liar, only liars get hooked and only honesty gets freedom. The only common denominator between all addicts of all social backgrounds and distinction is that they are notorious liars. The tragedy of addiction is children who revenge a childhood hurt or trauma against their parents learning from example becoming victims of themselves so as to conceal the hatred to hurt others, advertising themselves as victims stealing attention. An addict is what is commonly called a “bad person” and there is an addict and an honest person in all of us. I have discovered the cure to addiction many years ago that is unpublishable because parents and children who suffer addiction silence and reject the truth to evidence how much they researched the affliction to save their “loved ones”. Do you want to know more?
I set boundaries finally, and when I stopped enabling, she left me and found someone that would enable her. 😔
I strongly disagree with, letting them get out of your live is the easy way out and you will not learn anything from it. It s what I did almost 3 months ago. I gave him a a choice after a long time of trying to deal with his alcoholism. He disrespected the boundaries I set. No empty threats, so get help or move out. And he moved out. This was the hardest thing ever. Still struggling with doubt and fear and guilt, feeling I failed, and grieve of losing my love and our future plans. Not easy at all. I am in contact with him, but nothing changed, meaning he still drinks 24/7. This is how i know i made the right decision, because that stress is out of my life. What I learned from this is to accept certain things in life, to love from a distance, to take care of yourself first, to let people follow their own path in life even if it is a horrible one, you cannot control what someone else does. Best to safe yourself especially if they don't think they need saving.
Thank you, Nathalie, for sharing your story!
I agree 100%, I'm going through exactly the same as you.
My son was incarcerated for 10 years for drunk driving 15 years ago. He hasn't had alcohol during that time. Being "dry" has it's dark side. His 'alcoholism' progresses without the drinking or drugging. He has not been appropriately treated meaning that he is now a bottled-up time-bomb of rage due to the brain danage due toalcohol, cigaretts and the miserabl,, demonic Anerican prison system.
He just got out of prison last week. Nothing like a 58 year old man living with his 80 year old struggling mom.
Prayer AA and ALANON is a huge blessing.
@@leighburville2717 I pray your son finds help and that you find peace of mind for yourself.
Yes. AA and Alanon are wonderful organizations!
God is always with you!❤️
@@pampixley2300 Thank you for your blessing. I use the 12 Steps because my mental, emotional and physical health has depended upon God. It's gone from hell for 3 horrible angry, abusive, mind-blowing months to a reasonable calm for the last 2 months.
I am glad that I did not throw him out because his brain damage is real. Alcohol, cigarettes, shame, guilt and the punishing atmosphere of prison does that to people. (It also kills family brain cells too even though we have not been doing what the prisoner has done.) So yes, God is the power! And the 12 steps sincerely worked leads us to the survival in and from the long term storm.
My son has healed enough with God's help even with very little apparent effort to do anything but be bitchy, grumpy, critical, insulting, ungrateful, uncooperative, reclusive and totally addicted to the cell phone, cigarettes and coffee. (And done almost nothing very "Godly" .... )
He may soon be ready to work the 12 Steps and be openly involved in Godly activity and conversation. . . But I can't focus or "lean on that hope."
(He has God and I am not it! ) He is not my focus; God is my focus. As family leader I, with God's power, must take excellent care of myself first and foremost. . . and beeee a super-good example to follow.
Thank you!
Stay well and faithful to yourself and God within you!
Blessings altways.
I came here looking for a reminder that I am not responsible for another’s life.
I am witnessing things in my small community that includes several practicing alcoholics.
Things that are frustrating me confusing me, and frankly enraging me.
I don’t want to feel like this, and I needed a solid reminder that I don’t have to. I can witness these things, choose to not react or respond, but choose to feel peace and joy any way.
I know this post has been here a while, I’m grateful for that as it is exactly the video I needed today.
Thank you ☺️
You're very welcome! And kudos to you for striving to mindfully become the person you want to be.
This is exactly what I needed to hear right now.
Setting boundaries is honouring yourself and others through unconditional love. Happiness is an inside job! You only have dominion over yourself.
Well said!
I wish I would have come across this sooner! My relationship is on the brink of ending as I could no longer take the blame and anger from my alcoholic and I emotionally reacted by telling him to get out of my life.
Listening to this sobbing. My MIL is my Q and she left our home because of abusing drugs/alcohol in front on my children. My children are so upset and my husband is shattered. I’m sending this to him and hoping he can find peace with this. It’s the hardest thing we’ve ever done.
I wish I had known this page about 27 years ago. I will just be grateful to get it now and share it with my students. Counselor Carl, you have a gentle and warm teaching style that make you easy to connect with. Thank you for all you do.
Thank you, Lori, for your kind words!
Thank you for helping me make a choice. I’ve been looking for a way without cutting out loving entirely, which would hurt me more. I think I can do this.
Hi. I'm glad you found my video helpful. Best wishes for your journey in recovery!
Thank you. I have had my sister and best friend both taken by ambulance because of alcohol overdose so many times in six months. So so hurt
I have written a theory on God that i would like humanity to read. Whoever lives by impossibility possible miracle God would not suffer addiction. I exist therefore i was created or always existed and the creator was created or always existed, therefore God exists. Creation is what is finite in time or dependent on the creator. The son would be the creation of the parents, that would be the creator. The debate between religious people and atheists is stagnated because God exists and the religious god does not exist, so both are wrong having arguments to be right. Religious people for the promise of eternal life and fear of hell have confused hatred with perfect love and atheists brag about the rational thinking they lack refusing to accept logic and the creation as evidence of the creator. The irrefutable as a mathematical truth cosmological argument concludes by reason that in order to exist existence an impossibility possible, miracle, creator without creator, first cause uncaused, origin of everything because nothing existed before , creator and creation that knows, experience and understands everything, and doesn’t forget because created memory and forgetfulness, because nothing existed before and all is created from self after, God eternal in infinite time must exist. A contradiction is an impossibility and a miracle is an impossibility possible. God is the eternal and infinite miracle of Life and Death, everything that ever existed, exists and would exist, all reality, the perfect living entity for being imperfect, eternal and mortal, finite and infinite, one and multiple, same and different, creator and creation, superior and inferior, existence and non existence, love and hate, pain and joy, life and death, certain and uncertain, deterministic and free will, and else; like a miraculous eternal infinite living Clay of Life and Death that creates and destroys life changing self in time and still being the same clay. God is neither created nor destroyed, only transformed alive or dead, when all life die and God die becoming a memory of what all reality were for ever, like a perfect religious god without will, learning, success or failure, happiness or unhappiness, life or death, like a perfect character in a role playing game that does not decide or role the dices because what is intended to do is achieved automatically and knows the future of a perfect, omniscient, almighty character that does not play or live because is dead, lie, addiction. When we die the mind is not destroyed, but transformed into the past of God, that is present and would be future, I am the same and different person than i was yesterday and I would be tomorrow impossibility possible miracle God, to know, experience and understand Self and judge ourselves with perfect justice, perfect knowledge, and be rewarded or punished for eternity with hellish or heavenly psychology for having lived foolishly or wisely. There are not secrets because God can not be deceived and all would know all because all is God. The purpose of life is to keep God alive creating life, having children, and happy, because our lives are a present to Self, all lives. Death penalty is killing God, God regenerates when life is born and gets younger when old people die. God is like a miraculous infinite eternal Mother of Life and Death and the children are herself, because the baby in the womb is the mother impossibility possible miracle God.
Im a meth addict, i been smoking it for a year and a half and i been in a relationship whit this girl that i love so much she means the world to me and i know she loves me back for about 7 months, we love each other and i know shes the girl of my dreams so last month yep, i did it, i got on my knee holding a ring on my hand ask her to marry me and she said yes, she was the happiest girl ever i could see it in her eyes in her smile she couldn't stop talking about it whit her friends, co-workers etc... anyways she does know about my problem since i met her i was the one that told her about it. I also told her that i was quitting already and not to ask me about it again which was a lie i love this girl so much that i know that ill make her suffer if she stays whit me and my problem that i have, ive even told her so many hurtful words to push her off so she can be loved like she deserves but she keeps holding on to me, but now after seen and hearing you i think im the one that has to leave and fix my problem so i don't bring her into this world of addiction and drugs and maybe when i fix it and if its not too late she'll be waiting for me or maybe moved on It hurts my heart so much and tears run down my eyes right now to even think about it but its the best for her so that's what ill do.
ILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER LOVE YOU NANCY P. 💔💗💔💗💔💗💔😔😔😭😭
El Cisco You sound like a good guy with a serious problem. You can get help. And if you do, maybe you won't have to lose her.
Yes, leave her before you ruin her. I’m married to a meth addict wife, and she’s the worst. You can’t say you love someone when you don’t have a shred of love for yourself to keep doing meth. Get clean and stay clean. Before you can do that, leave everyone alone.
You are thinking clearly. Go with your plan
You must be american.
That is so sad, my prayers go out to you may God grant you strength so that you can clean up. I think that if she stays with you even after all the harsh words she hears she truly loves you and there is nothing that will make her happier but for you to be clean. Please get help atleast you realize you need help, others dont and that is heartbreaking to those who love them the insults the fights seeing them destroy their lives and theirs along with the process... Is that what people do instead of getting help? Arguing for any reason so that person can leave them alone?
This has been most helpful in helping me detach with love from my adored narcissistic little brother. Thank you with love.
Wow. You put words to my feelings. Thank you
Yes.....most helpful!
I love this man- this is a great chapter in the Al anon book I found my higher power guiding me here! Thank you for a great talk on detachment and God bless!
You're welcome!
I don’t understand why people stay. It’s not a peaceful life having to deal with someone else’s destructive choices.
I feel the same. Best thing I've ever done for myself was get out and away from it.
In Al anon since 98
Amazing thankyou, so many words I need to hear in this. Im so grateful 🙏🏻
You're welcome! Best wishes!
I needed to see this today. Thank you
You're welcome, Jessica!
Sending healing streams of grace to all
That was very helpful
Wow this is the best advice in such simple terms. Thank you
You're welcome! Best wishes!
This video has been tremendously helpful. Thank you so much. I am subscribing and watching all of you videos.
Thank you!
You're welcome, Chaka!
Thank you for this , Counselor Carl!
You're welcome, Makhaola! Best wishes!
Thank you so much. I love an addict who pushes me away and says he isn’t worth the time and energy and that I’m in love with a fake version of him. Although I do love his personality and believe that he can overcome his addictions I must let go of my idealistic version of him and a future together and accept him for who he really is. I can’t force or change him into the man I want him to be. He has to be that man for himself. I’ll always love him but for now I must focus on myself and my healing. Thank you for the reminder and advice. I’ll always believe in my addict and be there for him when he needs me, but he must make that choice for himself.
Thanks for sharing, Wolfgang. Best wishes!
I know of a spell caster who can help you stop smoking and drinking alcohol without any stress or delayText Dr William on WhatsApp
(+1 956-531-2406)
He helped me when my lover wanted to bring shame to my family please if you want to stop drinking alcohol do well to message him. You might think is scam but at first that was what I thought until he helped me. I can't say much try and see for yourself thank you....
That essay was great! Thanks for sharing!
You're welcome, Amy! Best wishes!
Powerful
Thank you Carl. That was powerful.
You're welcome, Rod!
Thank you again. This is very helpful.
You're welcome!
Merci beaucoup.. That was very helpful and touching. My father deals with severe tabacco and alcohol addiction, and myself with smoking pot. Thanks for sharing and healing!
You're very welcome, Hugo! Best wishes for you and your father.
Good advice regarding not being a rescuer or enabler robing the alcoholic, drug addicted the experience of the consequences of the behaviors.
Thank you
You're welcome, Cidael! Best wishes!
Thank you for this video.
You're welcome!
Thank you so much this was a perfect video for me now
You're welcome, Michael. Best wishes!
Yes I live with a women like this and this man is right
This is very helpful.Thank You.
Samuel KingDavis. You're very welcome!
I discovered this detachment method by myself after many years of pain. Self inflicted pain because he believes he doesn’t have a problem. I stopped the hysterics many years back and the pleading and rationalizing has got me nowhere. He resents me and sees me as a nag. Wish I would have had this education earlier and saved myself years of sorrow and making myself crazy. Its been 20 years of marriage and I hope to go to my first Alanon meeting next week. I have a choke hold on my rescuing tendencies. I am immobile (not serene tho) watching him set himself on fire again and again. Sealing my mouth shut so I don’t give more unsolicited advice. For now I am making a new life plan and will be listening to this video on repeat. Thank you!
You're welcome! I wish you the best!
This is one of the best summations of practical everyday actions that I can take to help me the best me I can be. While at the same time, allowing my grip to my qualifier release and allow them to fall, learn and grow on their own.
Hi, JR. I'm glad you found my video helpful. Best wishes!
I know of a spell caster who can help you stop smoking and drinking alcohol without any stress or delayText Dr William on WhatsApp
(+1 956-531-2406)
He helped me when my lover wanted to bring shame to my family please if you want to stop drinking alcohol do well to message him. You might think is scam but at first that was what I thought until he helped me. I can't say much try and see for yourself thank you....
Awesome definition.
Thanks, Kari! Best wishes!
this is a great video thankyou carl
Thank you, Mark!
Nice
thank you Carl for tackling such a difficult concept in such a clear and approachable manner. I've been at this for over 15 years with a loved one and this really helped. Bravo!
You're welcome! Best wishes!
Wow this video is very helpful. A lot of it I started doing already , just didn’t know there was a term for it .
Hi Ivy. I'm glad you found my video helpful. Best wishes!
Thank you. This helped.
You're welcome!
Excellent for helping me with my son who is an alcoholic. He has gone to a few meetings but still wants to drink.
Hi, Sakurako. I'm glad you found my video helpful. Best wishes!
Thank you 🙏🏼
You're welcome!
God bless you Carl
Thank you!
Thank you 🙏
You're welcome, Joe! Best wishes!
Thank you for this, Counselor Carl. 💚💚💚 3:11
You're welcome, Christine.
My son hasn't had a drink or drug in 2 years. He is now a miserable, mean, crazy dry drunk. It's his disease ruling him. It's not him. I must change me and pray for him.
Thanks for this well thought out video!
You're welcome, Leigh. I wish you the best!
I can help you. I am a recovering addict and psychologist. I have discovered the cure to addiction that would save lives on being known. Are you interested?
@@michelangelope830
Sure I'm interested. I have to FYI Hou however, I don't easily trust the profession. ... but you're very nice to reach out to me. Ty,
Leigh
@@leighburville2717 what makes you think addiction is a disease? Psychologists are charlatans that can not distinguish the mind from a brain disease. The truth that saved my life and would save your son and humanity’s life, because you are like me, is that addiction is the psychology of a liar, only liars get hooked and only honesty gets freedom. The only common denominator between all addicts of all social backgrounds and distinction is that they are notorious liars. The tragedy of addiction is children who revenge a childhood hurt or trauma against their parents learning from example becoming victims of themselves so as to conceal the hatred to hurt others, advertising themselves as victims stealing attention. An addict is what is commonly called a “bad person” and there is an addict and an honest person in all of us. I have discovered the cure to addiction many years ago that is unpublishable because parents and children who suffer addiction silence and reject the truth to evidence how much they researched the affliction to save their “loved ones”. Do you want to know more?
I have written a theory on God not based on faith that i would like your son to read. Whoever lives by impossibility possible miracle God would not suffer addiction. I exist therefore i was created or always existed and the creator was created or always existed, therefore God exists. Creation is what is finite in time or dependent on the creator. The son would be the creation of the parents, that would be the creator. The debate between religious people and atheists is stagnated because God exists and the religious god does not exist, so both are wrong having arguments to be right. Religious people for the promise of eternal life and fear of hell have confused hatred with perfect love and atheists brag about the rational thinking they lack refusing to accept logic and the creation as evidence of the creator. The irrefutable as a mathematical truth cosmological argument concludes by reason that in order to exist existence an impossibility possible, miracle, creator without creator, first cause uncaused, origin of everything because nothing existed before , creator and creation that knows, experience and understands everything, and doesn’t forget because created memory and forgetfulness, because nothing existed before and all is created from self after, God eternal in infinite time must exist. A contradiction is an impossibility and a miracle is an impossibility possible. God is the eternal and infinite miracle of Life and Death, everything that ever existed, exists and would exist, all reality, the perfect living entity for being imperfect, eternal and mortal, finite and infinite, one and multiple, same and different, creator and creation, superior and inferior, existence and non existence, love and hate, pain and joy, life and death, certain and uncertain, deterministic and free will, and else; like a miraculous eternal infinite living Clay of Life and Death that creates and destroys life changing self in time and still being the same clay. God is neither created nor destroyed, only transformed alive or dead, when all life die and God die becoming a memory of what all reality were for ever, like a perfect religious god without will, learning, success or failure, happiness or unhappiness, life or death, like a perfect character in a role playing game that does not decide or role the dices because what is intended to do is achieved automatically and knows the future of a perfect, omniscient, almighty character that does not play or live because is dead, lie, addiction. When we die the mind is not destroyed, but transformed into the past of God, that is present and would be future, I am the same and different person than i was yesterday and I would be tomorrow impossibility possible miracle God, to know, experience and understand Self and judge ourselves with perfect justice, perfect knowledge, and be rewarded or punished for eternity with hellish or heavenly psychology for having lived foolishly or wisely. There are not secrets because God can not be deceived and all would know all because all is God. The purpose of life is to keep God alive creating life, having children, and happy, because our lives are a present to Self, all lives. Death penalty is killing God, God regenerates when life is born and gets younger when old people die. God is like a miraculous infinite eternal Mother of Life and Death and the children are herself, because the baby in the womb is the mother impossibility possible miracle God.
Thanks
You're welcome! Best wishes!
Omg this helps
Thank you, this spoke to me.
You're welcome!
Poppy Nogood
Thank you counselor Carl. Your words were deeply comforting and resonated profoundly with me. Only those who have walked this path can know th unspeakable pain of loving an addict.
+cpena64 Thank you for your kind words. Best wishes to you!
The pain is IMMENSE. Especially when they choose the alcohol over love and family.
My bf of 7 years has been on a 5 day binge ..i can't stop him. cure it or change it .i blocked him .i locked him out of my house i been dealing with his actions for a year now ...enough is enough ...not sure what I am going to do but since he's been gone .i haven't been stressed as i am when I'm with him ....he does horrible things when he's drunk isn't faithful and just not the same .i am going to take it day by day but till he gets help whats the point of even being with him .living with an alcholic is one of the hardest journeys I been thru
Hi, Shana. Yes, loving an alcoholic is one of the most painful situations imaginable. Taking care of yourself and refusing to enable anymore is not only the best thing for you, but also the best thing for him. Support groups such as Al-Anon can help you cope. Best wishes to you!
I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but how has this played out? I am in a similar situation with my wife right now.
@@smenard1107 well it dosen't change .The promises to change and all of that may work for a while but it's starts all over again .After months of being in a program and coming back .he relapsed again .The situations got worse and of course I was back to where I started .He is back in a program and I do talk with him here and there .I had cut him out of my life for 6 months .Yes it worked for a while but not a hundred percent
I don't think he will ever change
Yes he's sober now and yes he's in a program but we aren't close anymore .I have come to a realization that I have to worry about myself and live my best life
My stress level is much better since he's not here .yes it hurts but it does get easier .He will always be an alcoholic and not sure if he just needs structure or just needs to be alone .either way its not my problem anymore .we have to do what's best for us and what makes us happy .obviously that life wasn't good ..I know for me it was chaos and scary ...I do get sad and miss the good times but i def don't miss the shitty times and am safe and can actually sleep good for once .I hope this helps somewhat ! I'm no professional but I do understand what it's like living with a person like that .😳😳😳
@@shanasheree5563 sounds a lot like my wife, she seems to jump from program to program, or rehab to rehab and nothing seems to work, I feel like she just thinks she can do whatever she wants and I’ll be by her side to bail her out of whatever problems she gets herself into, I really don’t know what to do anymore
@@smenard1107 I feel your pain.All I can tell you is only you will know when your ready of being tired of being tired ! It hurts and it sucks but its reality ..just ALWAYS remember it's not YOU who caused it .....we can change nor cure it.Try to do things that you like to keep your mind busy and maybe some self meditation .That's what helps me ...You deserve to be happy .we all do.I know it's easier said then done but day by day with practice it does get easier .I did research on how to deal with crap like this lol and some things I can relate to some things I can't 🙆 ...Best of luck !!!
I just don’t know how to start - that is the problem I am facing. He refuses to admit he has a problem, tonight he told me I create all this drama, yet he is the one with the DUI’s and facing jail time.
I would begin by going to Al-Anon where you will find great support for learning to cope with a most painful situation - loving someone who is being destroyed by addiction. Best wishes!
The only reason in my opinion we find ourselves with alcoholics is to save ourselves, because the reason we love one has a lot to do more with ourselves than with them. In this relationship we HAVE to learn why we came to this earth and what is our purpose, but most importantly we have to learn to love and Care for our own self! Not depend on others decisions for their life, but on our own decisions. This is what I learned through the years with my alcoholic husband that I love until now.
Thank you for sharing.
Ty
You're welcome!
You have a good message. UA-cam may have
Thank you! Best wishes.
You can’t help them ! If you think you can your a fool!!!! They have to help themselves
Lynn .D You can't control them or fix them that's for sure. But you can support them without enabling them, which might increase the chances they realize they have a problem and get help.
Counselor Carl I have been through this with two family members . You know the old joke , how can you tell when a junky is lying? Their lips are moving!!! Not funny because it’s true ! I had to cut them out of my life completely.
Lynn .D. Yes, and that's what you have to do sometimes - cut them off for your own sanity and health. But when someone decides to remain in a relationship or in communication with an addict or alcoholic, there are things one can do to support him or her without enabling, which might help the addict or alcoholic realize they need help, but there are no guarantees.
Addiction is not a disease. Cancer is a disease. Addiction is an act of the will, a choice.
Good
yog raj. Thank you!
I just got out of a 3 year relationship with someone who had an alcohol addiction. It was hard to admit the she has an addiction since she wasn't drinking every week and could even go a month without drinking (to my knowledge) but when she was drinking heavily (mostly on special occasions), it was really really bad. I couldn't even recognize her. She would become abusive, disrespectful, mean, reckless, dangerous and sexually abusive.
I knew she didn't want children from the start of the relationship and recently when she drank a lot the whole night and was abusive and mean the whole, the next morning, I had to tell her her behaviour and what happened the whole night and she asked me: 'what am I even doing with me, I dont' even want children'. That's when I really knew I had to leave that relationship...
Thanks for sharing. I wish you the best!
I was trying to do this without even knowing what I was doing, but my alcoholic became enraged that I was no longer allowing myself to be present in the things he wanted to do and they began looking to others for sexual validation and this hurt me more.
hello there This is a very informative, useful video
You're welcome! Best wishes!
I know of a spell caster who can help you stop smoking and drinking alcohol without any stress or delayText Dr William on WhatsApp
(+1 956-531-2406)
He helped me when my lover wanted to bring shame to my family please if you want to stop drinking alcohol do well to message him. You might think is scam but at first that was what I thought until he helped me. I can't say much try and see for yourself thank you....
Wow, my eyes are open now. I’m wondering if it is a good idea to share this with my loved one….?
It might be beneficial to both of you to explain why you will no longer be enabling him unless he might become abusive.
It may have been out of desperation I used my protection order to remove him from the home. But I wasn't safe, again. He is in prison awaiting his hearing since police opposed bail. I hope he understands why this all happening. I made this choice because of his behavior which he chose.
I have never been able to do the detaching with love. i have to be mad at them in order to not enable! I still love them but I can't seem to live with them in harmony while this goes on. For me I have to go away. I know I am suppose to learn this lesson as I keep finding the same man over and over again. So now I am 60 and just will not date. I have lost my son to drugs and miss him so much, but if I talk to him he only wants money. I blocked his phone number. How awful is that! I am so sad . What should I do? Help me.
Hi, Barbara. I would suggest going to Al-Anon. You could also seek out a therapist who understands addiction.
Hi counselor Carl, thanks for your video. I have had to detach (leave) my alcoholic husband. I haven't told him though. He is noticing my detachment though. I have been putting him on the front line for 7 years and now I feel that it is time for me to love myself and I cannot continue to live his life. He made the choice to be an alcoholic and he doesn't seem to want to stop but yet wants me in it. For how long though? I haven't attended an Al anon group ( I am in East Africa) ..
Hi Myoma. Thanks for sharing. There are online Al-Anon groups as well. Check them out.
I know of a spell caster who can help you stop smoking and drinking alcohol without any stress or delayText Dr William on WhatsApp
(+1 956-531-2406)
He helped me when my lover wanted to bring shame to my family please if you want to stop drinking alcohol do well to message him. You might think is scam but at first that was what I thought until he helped me. I can't say much try and see for yourself thank you....
nobody makes the choice to be an alcoholic
I didn’t realize I was dating a meth addict for years and they’ve tried to act like they’re stabbing me in the shower, they would push me out of bed at night, and so much more. I started having anxiety and hearing voices (now on medication) and I tried telling them that I come first. They don’t understand so I walk away.
Yes, walking away is necessary for your own health when in a toxic relationship. You can't fix or heal anyone else. You can only heal yourself. I wish you the best!
They can’t understand bc they are in a psychotic state. Heart breaking.
Thanking God you had the courage to SAVE YOURSELF, praying you are still OUT of all TOXIC relationships, for good🏵
My son did a short amount of time in prison. He was in great shape, healthy, happy, and content with his clean and sober life. He relapsed after a short period of being at home. He now sits in his room and drinks. He comes out to go outside and smoke.
We tryed tough love which did not work. He works 5 days per week, and just survives. He won't let us help him. We are at our wits end on what to do next? Suggestions
Hi Mary. You're dealing with a very complicated and painful situation and there's nothing I can say in a few sentences that's going to help you other than what I've already said in my videos. My suggestion to you is that you attend Al-Anon and read their literature. Learning to deal with an addicted loved one in a healthy way is not a decision but a learning curve and a process, and you will need a lot of support.
Maybe healthier to say “the alcoholic” rather than “my alcoholic”.-little more aligned with the message perhaps
Good point!
Are you available for consulting?
Hi, Susie. Go to this link to see if I am taking new clients: serenityonlinetherapy.com/servicesfees.htm
Happy I got rid of my ex eddict. I used the narcissist guid. They r uncurable
This is the hardest thing for me… My mind always thinks I’m abandoning him when I don’t text him or when I don’t ask if he’s ok. Am I sick?😭💔 cause it feels like if he loved me he would stop
Addiction is much more complicated than "if he loved me he would stop." You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can take care of yourself so you don't become a victim of his addiction (trying to control the addict can make us sick too), and you can interact with him in a way that is skillful and might increase the chances he faces his problems by not enabling, rescuing, or provoking. Detachment with love is the best way to interact with the addict. I wish you the best!
My mom and I are struggling with this because my dad is the alcoholic in the family. He has caused many difficult nights for me, my mom, and my 11-year-old brother. On two of those nights, we had to leave and go stay the night at someone else's house because it had gotten so bad. My mom and I have decided to start going to Al-anon meetings and it definitely has helped me start to focus on myself and my mental health instead of constantly worrying if my dad is gonna be drunk when the afternoon comes. The hardest part is probably how my family and some of my mom's closest friends see how much it negatively affects our family, but my dad doesn't believe that he has an addiction. He is addicted to nicotine and now alcohol (he drinks in large amounts almost every single night) and it has affected his mood and his memory, causing us to have to repeat things to him and be on edge when around him because his mood could change at any instant. My mom and I are just hoping and waiting for him to hit rock bottom or just something to happen so he notices his problem and it sparks a change in him.
Thanks for sharing! And keep going to Al-Anon. I wish you the best!
I can help you. I am a recovering addict and psychologist and i have discovered the cure to addiction that would save lives. Are you interested?
How does one get help for someone when they dont accept they have a problem? When you have loved and tried everything, when you have told and asked them and still nothing, when the whole family has tried explaining and asking for them to get help and they wont accept it or admit they have a problem, What then? 😥
Hi, Sandra, I think the video you just watched explained that. You accept that you cannot control another person and instead focus on your own safe care. And when you interact with your addicted loved one, you do so respectfully but without enabling, rescuing and provoking, and, thus, allow them to experience the consequences of their poor choices.
That is the cruel nature of addiction 😥
I recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting!
Say goodbye
Carl, you mention a grieving process before we can detach with love successfully. If you are familiar with ALANON and the 12 step programs, they don't mention the grief process or include it, which has been very frustrating to me. There is no guidance on the subject on how to grieve and it's not even brought up in meetings. It seems that the 12step meetings avoid that topic.
Hi, OwlJulie. Interesting observation. However, I believe (if I remember correctly), there are some readings on grieving in the Courage to Change. In the group I lead at my day job (Concerned Persons Group) for friends and families of alcoholics or addicts, one of the topics I discuss is the need to grieve the many losses associated with loving someone who is addicted.
Exactly what I am looking for
But what if you have to live with that person how do you take care of yourself when you’re getting verbally abused and blamed for everything and blamed for them using
Hi, Chris. This is not an uncommon situation. One of the best things you can do is attend Al-Anon where you will gain support, so you won't feel so alone with such a difficult and painful situation. In addition, by attending Al-Anon you will learn self-care skills, not only for dealing with an alcoholic or addict. but also for making all your relationships healthier. I wish you the best!
I think this is kind of selfishness to detach yourself from your loved ones. My brother just became alcohol addicted and maybe drug addicted as well after his marriage. My father, family and me helped him a lot. He just tried to keep on the trach but just got deflected. If anything is happening in family then he just gave us warning to binge drinking and everything is getting terrible day by day. I just had some hope with alcohol anonymous but he does not want to go there. My family is living hell life. I don't know how to fix these things. My brother always tries to keep on track but fails every time.
I'm sorry that you, your brother, and your family are suffering so much for his addiction. I think you missed the point of my video. If I had a magic wand to give you to fix your brother, I would give it to you without hesitation, but ,sadly, there is no magic wand. Detachment with love is about accepting reality: It means focusing on what you can control to help yourself AND your brother by learning and practicing skillful self-care and skillful communication with your brother, which doesn't mean that will fix your brother because that's not within your control as you have already realized. What it will do, however, is increase the chances your brother realizes he has a problem and gets for it. I wish you the best!
How can I support them without engaging with them?
Well, you can pray for them (if that is something you do). You can send them positive thoughts (if you believe in that kind of communication). You can send them encouraging and loving texts or emails.
Follow he on WhatsApp for help
+2348144358180
I am in love with a man who is an alcoholic... Do I leave him alone? He doesnt want to stop...
Hi, Raquel. I'm not sure what you mean by "leave him alone." I suggest you attend Al-Anon to learn about alcoholism and how to take care of yourself when love or care about someone who is an alcoholic. Best wishes!
Raquel: Talking from experience, you will need to put a little space between you and your lover, even if it means not sharing an apartment.
Thanks Counselor Carl... and Robert we dont live together ... we live in different states but talk all the time till he passes out..
You're welcome! Best wishes!
Run. It will get worse
Do I share this video with my alcoholic?
It really is for you. I think it is best to explain to them the boundaries you are setting and why, and then let your boundaries speak for themselves. Words mean little to the addict. It's your non-enabling, non-rescuing, loving detachment that can have a profound effect on them.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy Thank you so much for your reply. I think I made a mistake. I forwarded the link to your video to my alcoholic before I reading your email. I want to thank you for the advice you provide, today is a brighter day for me. I am not so confused as I have been for the past year or so. Thank you.
@@hisetenespanolbysara6556 You're welcome! I wish you the best in your recovery!
Im addicted to opiates i struggle everyday of my life
Hi, Vicki. Don't be afraid to ask for help or seek out help. I know that can be scary, but we all have to face our fears sometimes in order to heal and grow. Best wishes!
Vicki Brown, i was addicted to opiates or maybe not for 20 years. I was one of these people that wouldn't even take an asprin.
My son got addicted to heroine. I was like, what is wrong with you? He is like, what do you think oxys are? HEROINE!
Okay you have back surgery, they give you morphine. You don't get addicted to morphine in the hospital. Your morphine schedule was skipped. You hurt, your heart rate may go up but your not jonesing.
Your given a scrip for oxys, you cancel your doctor appointment, you run out of your pills and geezs there you go, withdrawal symptoms. You drop most everything and get in for your doctor appointment! So I wonder what is the difference between morphine in the hospital and oxys from pharma?
Morphine someone told me is pure heroine! Can you belive that? So what is the part in oxys that is addicting, me thinks pharma!
So get angry enough at pharma to get even with them by stopping the oxys and with anger, righteous anger pass the word on.
I did take kratum a couple of weeks to get me through the withdrawal.
I was so angry when I found out. My last pain management app doctor is like bully me to have another surgery. I'm like those nurses are mean! My dentures were broken cause they stuck me in a corner and I wasn't capable of safely putting my teeth back in. They went in and out of my vein and said there is no blood in that vein so my whole arm turns black! Other things i told the doctor why I didn't want another surgery! You know what the used car dealer, oups, I mean doctor said, "you signed up for that!". OMG I shut my mouth let her make a appointment with surgery write my last opioid scrip, got my last scrip, cancled my surgery, ordered some kratom & magnesium oil on line and picked up a few bags of Epsom salts and stuck it to big pharma 😉👍
Is alcoholism a disease?
It is in the sense that it can physically change someone's brain in a way that causes compulsive alcohol seeking behaviors. And there is a genetic component to this vulnerability as well
How can I do this if my friend refuses to visit me after I told her ‘no alcohol in my house any more’ I can’t visit with her at her place as she is blind drunk and puking by 7pm…
It sounds like it is time to let go of trying to fix or control your friend.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy Thanks for your advice, I agree. I went through all this throughout my entire life with my alcoholic Dad until he died - I’m finding it so hard having to deal with again. If I mention her drinking all I get is ‘here you go, making it all about you again…’ I just want to keep seeing her as a friend and offering support but not have her drunk around me. Do you think that’s possible? Many thanks indeed. X
@@jargonellie6630 You cannot make her not drink around if she wants to drink. All you can do is remove yourself when she drinks
@@Serenityonlinetherapy What, from my own house???
@@jargonellie6630 No. In that case you would ask her to leave.
So, I'm still lost. What are the steps? Can you post them here? Today is my birthday and yesterday my boyfriend had a reservation for me. He canceled and he hadn't drank in over three months. Canceled but not only that, deflected and make me feel terrible for "wanting to be the center of attention." Just a terrible moment yesterday. My heart is broken. I blocked him bc I will not get sucked into the chaos and pain that comes with listening to him ramble when he's intoxicated. He's TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!! A very loving loving loving man and a very spiteful one. Can you tell me what to do? In my hard of hearts I desire to reach out and just help him in all ways. I'm a very helpful person already. And we've gone through this before. I had to break up with him and he sobered up quick, going to AA, men's support group from church, accepting Christ, taking medicine, praying, reading books. All of that convinced me and he even swore that he'd do everything in his power to be a better man. He did, for three months. Then, yesterday. I can't help but partially blame myself. We got into a fight two days before and he detached himself. Something he never does. I got an ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach. And he kept canceling our dinner plans. Something he also rarely does. Especially when it comes to his princess. I was treated terribly yesterday and so I didn't know what else to do but to delete that person who is hurting me. Even if it's just temporary. Can you tell me the process please? I do better in written format.
Hi Lucy,
Give him another ultimatum as you did before if he wants to come back to you. Go to Al-Anon for the support you need to either leave how to leave him or learn to detach with love from him if you choose to stay with him. I will be posting a new video explaining the 12 Steps in the next couple of days. Best wishes!
I know of a spell caster who can help you stop smoking and drinking alcohol without any stress or delayText Dr William on WhatsApp
(+1 956-531-2406)
He helped me when my lover wanted to bring shame to my family please if you want to stop drinking alcohol do well to message him. You might think is scam but at first that was what I thought until he helped me. I can't say much try and see for yourself thank you....
Addiction is not a disease. Its self treatment of depression with non prescription substances. The type of thinking in this video is what keeps jails, halfway houses and rehabs full of relapsed addicts. If you really want to help an addict show them love and support and try to find them a new coping mechanism besides their drug of choice. This could be such things as sports, art, or even religion. Turning your back on your loved one at their darkest moment is the best way to ensure a bad outcome to the situation.
I agree with much of what you are saying. Love with detachment is what Al-Anon recommends, which means supporting and loving your alcoholic without enabling, rescuing, or provoking. However, it can be a disease for some in that it changes brain chemistry (after chronic substance abuse) in ways that hijack the brain which then causes compulsive drug-seeking behavior. And it can take a year or more for the brain to heal from those physical changes,
wrong!!!
Obviously you have never had an experience with a raging, furniture breaking, door bashing, dangerous addict. ENABLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
U can suggest-they must be willing.
These treatment centre guys are american.
I will quit!
I know of a spell caster who can help you stop smoking and drinking alcohol without any stress or delayText Dr William on WhatsApp
(+1 956-531-2406)
He helped me when my lover wanted to bring shame to my family please if you want to stop drinking alcohol do well to message him. You might think is scam but at first that was what I thought until he helped me. I can't say much try and see for yourself thank you....
'My partner won't sop drinking! What should I do?' 'I suggest you let her drink!' Two weeks later. 'I let my partner keep drinking. She committed suicide. What do you suggest I do now?' Can't get anybody drunk, can't get anybody sober.
Hi, Jack. I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your partner.
Thank you
You're welcome, Christine!
Thank you
You're welcome!