Advice For Families Of Addicts -(How to help an addicted loved one)
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- Опубліковано 26 сер 2019
- Addiction Expert gives advice for families of addicts on how to help an addicted loved one. Amber goes over the 3 options families have for how to respond to addiction in the family. 👉To learn more about DEALING WITH AN ADDICTED FAMILY MEMBER, watch this next: • Family Recovery Resources
Understanding these options is extremely important if you don't want addiction to destroy your family.
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💖💖💖THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT! 💖💖💖
Done with addict sibling.... after a lifetime of heart wrenching behaviors.. health affected.. peace of mind affected.. emotional abuse.. manipulations etc..I tried all approaches.. after decades ..ive gone no contact.. ignoring calls etc..it is what it is.. in my prayers always..only God can help
I was in the same boat with my brother. After 30 years....I had to cut him off. I realized how toxic our relationship was. I love him but choose to not have him in my life.
Ignoring your sibling is the absolute worst thing to do, and relying on an invisible man with a grey beard ain't gonna do sfa. You seem to only be really mentioning how the addiction is affecting you and not your sibling. Maybe you need to see where your priorities really lie.
@@bordercollie1140that’s not a fair comment to make. This person needs support as well.
Addicts get plenty of support if they want it.
Being a sibling of an addict is horrible. They suffer a lot.
The person may like to consider understanding ways to limit enabling behaviour and re-prioritising boundaries.
@@candysmith3457 That's not a fair comment to make as you don't even know what country I live in, therefore you have no idea of the services available to me.
@@bordercollie1140 okay, I’ll buy into your pity party. What country are you in?
I stand by my original comment. The poster has clearly reached the end of their tolerance for their addict family member.
UA-cam should put videos like this in our recommended cause you never know when you'll need this nugget of knowledge and wisdom
Thanks Joel. I appreciate your positive feedback!
I'm listening and I hope a light bulb lights up in my head. I have been trying to save my son for 8 years and literally tried everything from many many rehabs, him running away, therapy, him living on the streets and even a court order. I am exhausted.
Omg I’m dealing with this currently with a nephew! I don’t know what to do, so lost!
@@GermanicHispanic They need to be ready
It absolutly IS exhausting and it will drain and consume your life as well....be strong and except "it is what it is" until HE is ready. All you can do is let him know he is loved and has a place when he is ready.
Just remember you can only do so much, the rest is up to him. I thought my son would have been dead, but he's 33 and doing well. Just remember as long as they are alive there's still help the rest is up to God above, he knows that you and your son are suffering
This video really made me crying, and reading the comments I realized I'm not alone. I'm so heartbroken because of my younger brother's addiction which led him to become homeless. No matter how much my family and I try helping him, he is back out on the streets ,doing drugs. I learned that you absolutely cannot help those who don't want help. My heart breaks every day. I have no way of getting in contact with him, he shows up once a year and I always feel it will be the last time I see him again because he will die out there eventually.
I'm so sorry your family is going through this, Alexandra 💗
Exactly the same situation I have. And at night I start thinking about him, remembering things... The past...
@@PutTheShovelDown where is your clinic / practice located? We live in Palm Coast Florida.
@@PutTheShovelDown hbyygvg boo k moo k lol ooo99
@@PutTheShovelDown hbyygvg boo k moo k lol ooo99
It truly takes an addict or an addicts support people to understand how to help in these situations. Psychology classes only get you so far. Love the channel!!!
I won’t tell anyone my problems because we all have them. I just hope everyone, including myself, can find the peace and end result in which we all hope.
It's ok to not be ok, but it's not ok to suffer in silence. I know I'm just a stranger, but I'm a very good listener. I have an addict daughter, and I myself overcame addiction to morphine and Xanax years ago. If you ever need someone to listen, I'm here. You would be amazed at how good it feels to just let it all out. Every person is unique, and that's why a one size fits all approach to addiction rarely works. I pray for the peace that passes all understanding to guard your heart and soul❤
@@gaylechristensen6285 very kind, thank u
Agree. It's hard to suffer in silence when you are dealing with addicts. You should go to an Alonon group for support. They have helped and supported me with my big situation.
I appreciate this video and I needed to hear this. My younger brother is addicted to some pretty heavy stuff and we both live with our parents. I feel trapped, my parents don't do anything because that is their son, and the only way for me to help myself is to move out and on with my life but I am scared to leave my parents because of the abuse me brother puts them through both verbal and psychically. Having to constantly hide all of my belongings in my room as if it is my studio, having to lock my doors when I sleep because I fear for my safety. Every time I come home and he is in the house I feel nothing but constant anxiety. I feel so alone and trapped in my situation and do not know what to do. I am young and have my whole life ahead of me but I feel my brother is slowly taking my life away. Thanks to anyone that read this, I just have to clear my mind and hope someone can relate. Stay safe.
Kyle Kuzminski hi Kyle, I’m sorry your in such a bad situation. My older sister has always struggled with addiction and I spent half my life taking care of her. It’s okay to take care of yourself. You’re likely enabling your parents to enable your brother. Having a front row seat to addiction will consume your life. Go out into the world and build the life you want!
I can totally relate, my younger brother is also suffering from addiction and it's tough to see him hurting himself and tough to see my parents slowly losing their mind. Fortunately, I think, I don't live in the household with them, and I can imagine the day in day out struggles living with an addict, but living away gives me sanity and a clear mind to help them through support, and opening up the conversation that is lacking in the household.. they all suffer individually and that's not right. I just find ways to listen and guide the conversation so it's effective, no yelling or screaming, but it's been difficult and I personally have had to heal first, build my strength and Faith.. and I feel that's helped me to help them, with the help of prayer and meditation, understanding, forgiveness and love 💜🙏
I can relate to this though I have no siblings who are addicts but three of my uncles are, whom live with me. I completely understand the locking your doors at night because you fear for your safety. The constant anxiety and doing nothing about it and being trapped and alone. It’s draining me and I just want it to be over. Two months ago you posted this comment, I hope things are going better for your brother, your parents and yourself as well.
@@juju.2018 Thank you so much for your kind words and checking up on me. I am still at home but saving to move out soon. Just finished graduate school and will be applying for jobs soon, considering relocation to get out of my current situation. My brother tends to leave for weeks but always comes home when he is coming down from what he is on and needs money. When he does this my parents let me back in and he has no remorse for what he has put everyone through and when he gets food/money he goes back to the streets and repeats the cycle. Despite this, I am optimistic about my future and just try to focus on myself. Thanks again everyone for your kind words
Praying for you & your family in Jesus name
Currently crying because I feel hopeless for my sister the scary part is she’s impulsive and is planning on moving to another state where I have no control in helping her
Praying for your sister! I hope she finds the help she needs.
I understand. I also have a sister currently struggling with addiction. we have been through so much. All we can do is pray and hold on to Jesus. Will also pray for yours Kaitlynn.
Love and prayers . My 35 year old son is in the same situation. Very painful because I don’t think he’s capable of making good decisions. Just so heartbreaking
@@KimberlyMack2005 Praying for your son and family!🙏
@@KimberlyMack2005 Same about my 37 years old sister. :( Sending you lots of love.
I have a brother who is an addict. I feel that he became like that because we grew up in a home with domestic violence. As kids, he was always protective of me even though I'm his older sister by a year. I think because of that, he had to suffer more abuse. We were close, but he turned to drugs to cope, and it distant us. We're adults now. For a few days bow, he is homeless. I feel so so heartbroken. I worry about him and I love him, he's my brother. But, I have a family now and by past experience, I know it's not safe for my kids to have my brother live with us. The drugs turn him into a different person. I can't afford to financially provide shelter for him. I feel so helpless. I hate to see him homeless and knowing he can die and I may never know. He was a good person who is kind, gracious, and always protecting those who needed protection. Now, as an addict, he can become scary. I think about him a lot and I feel helpless. Wherever he is, I hope life is kind to him. God, I don't want to ask for much, but just that if today is his last, can you please make him feel peace and safe in his last moments because that is something he has never felt growing up.
Prayers for your brother, peace to your family. Put your trust in Jesus. He is very close to the broken and will listen to your prayers. Jesus, mercy.
I know exactly how you feel, my son is in the same situation living on the streets and doing drugs. We hardly ever get to see him he is the only one out of my four kids missing during holidays or birthdays 😢 I worry constantly about him and praying that God will make a way for him. 🙏🏼 I will be praying for your brother as well, I know God can heal and restore 🙏🏼❤️
💯🙌🙏🏽💯🙌same here it’s hard
My son is suffering with drug induced Psychosis and his mental health but he refuses any help. It’s heartbreaking he was arrested and he won’t have any where to go tomorrow after he is released from the police station. I told them he can’t come back to my house till he starts to cooperate and gets the help he really needs. I need to be really tough. It’s heartbreaking as he is my only child. 😥 thanks for this help I really appreciate your advice I will go through this method.
I feel your pain hmm 🤔 what can we say to this thing? How did it even started? who is the originator of this evil? God have mercy on Your children. It's really hard but I pray God comfort and strengthen you to accept him. He will put a smile on your face again in Jesus name 🙏
I completely understand. I too have a son who is an only child. I’m struggling butting my on the street. I had to leave for now, because I can’t seem to get him out of the house. Just the two of us and very dangerous for me to be there. Law enforcement will not help. So so many things keeping him in my home.
Sometimes you need to do the tough love at first to help yourself to stop enabling and falling into the codependent cycle. I agree that the whole family needs to be on board with treatment. Boundaries are ment to be flexible, but the addict needs to display behavior towards positive recovery before you can relax them. Shattered trust takes a long time to fix.
M D I definitely agree, I like the way you’re differentiating between drawing boundaries to try and control the addicted person vs. for your own sanity. Thanks so much for sharing for checking out my video😁
@@PutTheShovelDown They are helping. I've lived my whole life so far with addicts, my dad drank, my ex drank and did pills. It's hard.
I agree with you and I hate this video.
After years of abuse and the person "not even remembering", you just finally detach to survive. People get tired of being blamed for the addiction. There's no peace living with an alcoholic.
As a disabled mother of five, none of these options do anything. I feel we are stuck dealing with the horrors.
I feel for your situation, and I hope for the best for you and your loved ones
Sometimes it seems like all you can do is watch the addicts you love slowly break down and destroy themselves...💔
👋🏼watch this video next : WHY TRADITIONAL COUNSELING DOESN’T WORK WITH ADDICTION! 🤯ua-cam.com/video/SalQ20BcQzM/v-deo.html
My dad is a recovering drug addict and i never let him know that a little part of me will never forgive him for what he put me through. But today i let it all out and i tried so hard to keep all my emotions get the better of me... this video helped me with keeping my relationship with him decent by not phoning him up and speaking my thoughts on him. so thank you sooo much xx
So glad I could help!
I like the #3 option. Addiction affects the whole family. Therefore the best way is to educate and work with the whole family.
#TrueStory
@Real_Talk_ Recovery Hey Nicole!!!♥️
You are so sweet. Yes I’m dripping in fear and pain. Resentment because I’ve never told them the truth about their actions and words.
Brother gets out of jail Monday also deals with drug abuse and addiction badly. and every time he’s in there my whole family is at peace I see the best of them. Then when he’s out he causes stress, arguments and drama. He lives with my parents and grandparents and just worried this round about. 😓
I am so thankful to have found your videos. They are so helpful. This journey can be so painful at times.
Thank you for your kind words, Ina. I'm glad to know that these videos give you a little little in an otherwise crappy situation.
Im crying I can’t sleep I keep thinking about my brother. I don’t know how to help him. He keeps lying and emotionally manipulating me. I always let him know that I’m here for him. Everyday I call or text him. I’m so lost!
Praying for you and your family! I hope your brother finds the help he needs.
Hi Soull, Sorry you're going through such a hard time. Here's a link to my playlist on manipulation. Hope it is helfpufl to you. ua-cam.com/video/cH8wXhBCNNo/v-deo.html
I appreciate you SO much. You are articulating the things I want to say, but in a calm, well thought out way. So it doesn’t come from frustration or anger. Thank you!
You are so welcome
Thank you for understanding that it is my child. People seem to just not understand how difficult the situation really is. How difficult it is emotionally. Everyone just says "ditch out" and I just don't agree that this is the real solution.
You're right Paula! It's not so easy for parents😢
I understand ❤️
I know what you’re going through Same here with my daughter can’t let go and exhausted if you don’t. It’s so hard. Sending love and strength ❤
I was in the car when my dad was arrested for a DUI. I was 12 the first car crash I was in with my drunk dad. 13 when I realized how much his words and actions hurt so bad. His negligence lead to my mental health disorder, dissociation. Its bin so hard any time anyone is drinking I, dissociate. If I’m playing the game on my phone I was playing the day we crashed, I dissociate. Just like the day I was in the back of a police car having a panic attack after my dad’s arrest. the kind officer helped and hugged me till my mom was there. I just want to thank him even though I know he wouldn’t see this. I love my dad. But the more my parents fight the more scared I get. The more the words hurt. And the more I hurt myself as an way to ease the pain. I can’t take it anymore. One day if I grow up to be a mother I won’t let my kids suffer. I won’t make them drag there father in bed drunk from the yard. I won’t make their brother cover their ears from the fighting of their parents. Like my brother does for me. I will show them what it means to be loved, I promise. I am 13 years old, my name is Lexi and I’m a normal girl in 8th grade you wouldn’t notice from how I act but I’m hurting. So the next time you see someone struggling go eat lunch with them or play 4 square it’s means the world. I promise…
Your 1st sentences gave me LIFE!
Thank you Taradise34, for taking the time to leave such a nice comment! I really appreciate that!
Amber is so brave and effective in her delivery of info to help so many in the world. God bless and keep her courageous in the fight to help all of us find clarity and answers to these complex problems.
This is just what I needed thank you!
Wow, so far this has by far been the most helpful info ... thanks for sharing
I needed such an informative and helpful video. I was researching such a helpful and guiding video on the topic of addiction of my loved one (immediate family). So glad to have found this.
Thanks
Love your channel because it is immensely practical. I use the CRAFT approach with our son and you are correct; it is a huge commitment. My wife wants to just do the tough love approach and get it over with…even turning him out on the street or jail time for stealing. He’s 32 and lives with us due to mental illness. The addiction coupled with mental illness just adds another layer to an almost impossible situation. I tell her that tough love might slow down his addiction for awhile, but it won’t last forever. She is beginning to see why now that she is watching your videos with me. Thank you so much. You do so much good in this world! I hope you realize this. 😎 your UA-cam family loves you Amber!
Awwwww, thanks David. It makes my heart smile to know this is helping your family 🥰
I have the same problem with my daughter. It is literally killing me
Craft didn't work for us cause he won't admit he has a problem , we have suffered for decades from his addictions and enough is enough, even now that he is estranged from us(his choice) we live on egg shells waiting for the dreaded call that he's dead ! This is no life and no matter what we are tortured forever in our hearts , to bad god isn't real !!!
10 yrs watching my daughter with all this shit.
Shes been raped over and over ect its just me her mom i have no family im about to die from tbe stress of worry my health just gets worse.
She wont stop destroying herself
I'm so very sorry you're in this terrible situation (especially all by yourself).
I'm so sorry you are going through this! I pray that God's strength and peace are with you! I hope your daughter finds the help she needs.
15 years here! Opioid addiction was overcome. Now it is speed! It is a living hell, especially since grandchild is now here! It is affecting him more each year!!
@@d-marierasberry3449 praying for her & you.
@Dawn Schnack, by the power of Jesus I ask for healing and release of the chains of addiction on your Daughter. God bless you my brother. I wish and pray for change for your daughter and blessing on your life and hers.
I'm the oldest out of 9 siblings and all of us are adopted. Our mom was stuck on drugs while she was having every single one of us. I'm 23 now and to a point where I have a lot of those siblings around me, along with my mom, who is still using. Not only do the drugs have a tight grip on my mom, but also on a couple of my siblings that stemmed from my mom. With me being the oldest brother and her oldest son, I feel it is up to me to fight these demons if they can't.
Thanks for your videos!
Hi Masterchief3590, Take a look at this video. It's about the long term effects of growing up with an addicted parent. It think it might be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/1EXiDn_zz7k/v-deo.html
You are a living blessing
Awwww thanks!
My mom has been struggling with addiction for 30 years. I'm 22, and my little sister is 3. I was raised by my grandparents, but my mother is raising my little sister with family members around to make sure nothing goes wrong. Well, for some reason, my mom tries to confide in me. I have cut off contact with her for the second time in my life now, because of her constantly telling me what pills she got or asking me to go get her drugs (never done anything harder than weed before, myself, so that makes no sense and is infuriating).
I'm starting therapy this month to help me forgive her. I'm looking for ways I can help her, and this video helped very much.
The rest of the family doesn't see the problem, because she hides it from them. I'm the only one who's taking steps to help her, so wish me luck.
It sounds like your mom tries to interact with you like your a sister or friend. That's putting you in a really tough position.
I’m praying for you and your whole family. Especially you tho. That’s a lot to carry and I’m sorry you have to deal with that at such a young age & in general. Take good care of yourself and little sister. She’s going to need you. Be strong and when u feel like u have no strength just kneel, and pray until u feel strong again. Glad to hear you’ve Prioritize your mental health love. At all costs. You got it🤍
Wow! What a heavy burden. Prayers for you. Please take good care of yourself. Try and get away if you can, when you feel overwhelmed. That's a lot to take on. I wish you well❤
So glad your here giving advice I just rang a local service and requested advice and support and was point blacked refused because my loved one is now an adult. They won't work with you without the young persons consent. Not even to offer empathy and understanding and talk you through your experience. There isn't enough local support for parents.
What a great video. So glad I found it.
Glad you enjoyed it!
I really like your advice and your positivity, thank you
I’ve tried option 1 & 2 and it’s so counter productive for my spouse. He struggles with severe depression and major addiction. The first two options have made my life and my families life so much harder. I love you’re videos because you hit the nail on the head with my situation right now! I would love to talk you live.
Hi Cate, Thanks for the positive feedback! 😀 I do a LIVE video every Thursday at 1pm (eastern). We'd love to have you join the conversation. Also, my practice does offer virtual sessions for families in these types of situations. Here's a link to learn more about those: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations
You have been the most relatable one thus far! I’ve listened to so many, that were all really really good but just didn’t fit what was going on. Where do you do your live?
@@PutTheShovelDown great! I would love to catch all the lives, I like listening to others questions too. Sometimes they ask things I forgot iwanted to ask
I had to do tough love. It's the only way my son gets the help for his dual diagnosis problem. He is drug addicted and has mental illness. He posed a physical danger to me.
I am older, on a fixed income and disabled. Even with community support workers it is not enough. It's above my pay grade. Yes, I love him. That is why I need to be strong.
Pray love.
I had enough of his stealing, lies and use of anything he could find.
This was very informative. I even sent the link to this video to my mo. Thanks
i went to a social worker appointment with my niece; every facet of the truth was flipped on it’s head. i’m no longer trying to help her.
Yes! Like how in the heck can they sit and lie like that? No conscious whatsoever!
Thank God I found this video
I know that's right. Thank you for putting into words the things that I have difficulty putting into words.
You are so welcome
Any suggestions for getting them out of your house when they plant themselves like a tick and refuse to leave. Im already aware of how an eviction works. Trying to avoid that.
It's constant lies,manipulation, stealing,asking for money for whatever,promising rehab and etc..my older sister traumatized me for life..contant anxiety..
My son has addiction problems, 8 years now, he takes no responsibility for anything. He has rehab or prison in 3 weeks and I am looking forward to him being in one of these. I'm trying my best to accommodate him until then but its hard. Hes away out now, he demanded his dig money back and i gave him it just to get rid of him cuz hes a nightmare to live with.
I hope things have gone better, your son doesn’t like putting you through this yk, even if he doesn’t show it, but he is in a very bad space for now, hope you are able to solve things.
Thank you for this video. Just when I thought we had tried everything for our loved one, in comes the CRAFT method. Thank you.
What about a child being forced to put a parent out. I’m super conflicted internally and I’ve done so much to try to help my mothers condition, but I’m so spent. I personally internally don’t know how I can help any more besides making her leave entirely. I’m so drained.
The reason these situations are so terrible is because it puts you in a no win situation.
@@PutTheShovelDown That’s what it appears to have done. I don’t want to exclude her from my life as I’m one of the only people she has, but I also have to make the best changes for myself in my household. I argue constantly with her, when trying to make her see the plight in her actions she never truly understands that she is the root of the issue. She has tried to make call or pick at me when I point out the bad. And each time I threaten to remove her from my life she will joke as if she knows this is something I won’t do. I love and care about her and all I hope is that she does better for herself but she never does. She never takes her actions into consideration to realize that she is the change needed to make the entirety better. It’s sad and internally degrading. Thank you for shedding insight as you have. I need to act for myself. I’ve spent the last 3 years allowing these actions and I think it’s time to stand up.
@@legendtentv6059 my brothers and I have the same situation with our Mother. My youngest brother, her baby cut her off about 8 months ago. My middle brother and I havnt left her but after tonight we’re questioning if we should as we feel she will never change or take responsibility like in your situation. Tonight she hasn’t taken her heart medication in a week and told everyone she thought she was having a heart attack including medics. She refused everyone including us coming over on a work night to help after medics. Who she also sent away when her bp was 220/130. It’s the most frustrating thing in the world trying to convince your mother, the people right in front of her, that care about her the most, yet she tells them you guys can leave. I’m fine. Winces in pain and clutches her chest. My brother cried and made me cry as he is a father to be and just wants to have a normal mom to introduce to his son on the way. It made me sick. I hate that all I feel is hate and resentment for the person who raised me well. But gave up when she reached her mid 30s and has been an alcoholic for 10 years or longer. I’m so lost @Put The Shovel Down. It’s literally taken so much from me in the last few years. Leaving multiple jobs early or calling out to go check on her when she’s having an episode. Random strangers in and out of her house. I pray constantly Jesus would change this.
I'm dealing with my son. I'm lost as to what to do.
I dealt with it for 25 years with his father. Now him. It breaks my heart. I feel like I have no one to talk to.
hii, my dad struggles with drug addiction, and really i’m trying to find ways to help him instead of constantly giving him my money. i just applied for a job :), but thank you for this video! sending love from florida. 💕
Hi Marrcapalott from Florida!
So hard. Just so hard. Feels bipolar. Lord help all of us trying to love ourselves more then them. We can't do it any other way. Pray one for another!
thank you
My Pleasure!
Thank you.
You're welcome!
Community
Reinforcement
And
Family
Training
Struggling tonight with our son my heart hurts
I'm in the same boat prayers moma🙏🙏
🙏🙏🙏
Great video thank you. Does CRAFT method work for gambling addicts?
I am so angry. I cant stop crying.
I am so fucking done with him and the thing that hurts the most is he doesnt give a flying fuck.
Goodness, I'm sure am sorry you're having such a hard time. I know what those days are like. 😢
@@PutTheShovelDown ugh, how do I refrain from getting so worked up, angry and emotional. Sorry for my post I was desperately trying to find something that would make me feel better. He is with me today, I went from 100, to 0.. he went for months without relapsing when we first met, then weeks, now hes doing it weekly again and ignoring and avoiding me. Its cocaine is what he is addicted too
s. elizabeth I’m not sure if you’ve seen this one Elizabeth, but it might be helpful. ua-cam.com/video/_IIIebnumpg/v-deo.html
Thank You 🙏 Will look into Al- Non
You're so very welcome Cruz!
I've lived through this, it is an indescribable pain and fear.
Oh I hear you.
Great thanks for the advertisement.
My dad was an alcoholic. It made him passive and unable to save me from abuse. My mom was addicted to power, control and rage. My first husband was exactly like my mom only more physically violent. Addicted to control, power and rage. My second husband is a “recovered” meth addict. In our 20 years together he’s traded out one addiction for another. When he gets caught, he always has a reason why I drove him to it, or why I made impossible for him to stop. He’s got power and control issues too. When our babies were little and I’d been up for 48 hours with our preemies, he’d scream at me that I selfishly wasn’t making time for sex. Or when I had the flu and was nearly dying same thing. So I guess a sex addiction. Then It was pills for a long time because of his back injury, he got the addictive stuff. I distinctly remember him saying he took all his pills and ran out early because of me. I know that’s not true, it’s just what addicts do. Now he’s addicted to porn. I’m 11 years younger than him. I’m still attractive. But he hasn’t touched me more than 5 times in the last 7 years. He can’t. He’s got a porn related ED so a real human woman whom he has access to, just doesn’t do it for him anymore.
I’ve raised these kids all by myself for 18 years in a functional addicts household. I stayed home to raise them so my job prospects are bad. It’s depressing. He’s never been involved with the kids and doesn’t understand why they don’t like him. Hopefully they haven’t seen his porn addiction. My kids want me to leave him. I just want to leave, because he’s never going to fess up to all the porn I just found, and even if he does, he’ll figure out why it’s my fault. I’ve begged him to get help many times over the years. He’s too chicken to face himself in therapy.
I just don’t know how to heal myself or finish raising my kids with or without him.
This will help, dealing with addict uncle living with us ❤
I live with a spouse that has been addicted to pain pills for years. She gets them once a month and binges on them for about a week until they start to run out. They make her absolutely insane. She blames everyone but herself and listens to no one. She has made my life miserable for years. I am too codependent to do anything about it. Every time I get close to actually doing something about it she starts to clean up and be a decent human being again, until next month rolls around. I have no idea what to do.
Hi Chris, I think the CRAFT approach might be a really good option for your situation. If you're wife goes 3 out of the 4 weeks without pain pills then that means she can go without them.
@@PutTheShovelDown Thanks for your kind words. She is never actually without pills. She just knows she has to taper down or be forced to go without. She just doesn't eat them like candy after the first week. I know I need to do something about it but once she calms down a little my mind starts telling me that the worst is over and she will be sort of ok for the next few weeks. I know it;s a trap but since watching your other video that talks about co dependency I realize that I am also addicted to the relationship, no matter how dysfunctional. Its just good for me to say this stuff out loud I guess.
It just sucks. People tend to do what they want regardless of the circumstances and consequences. Its propagated by selfish desires and drug addicts can only change what they are addicted to. It's a mentality of selfish behavior over selfless. I was a dealer/user for several years and it always boils down to making a decision. No matter what. I may be going through a divorce soon myself, been nearly a decade and she still makes poor decisions. Multiple "relapses" and financial manipulation to achieve her selfish desires. I don't think I can go through this again😔
I have a sister and brother in law that is sick with addiction. (Meth) My wife and I have done option 1. We have distanced ourselfes from the issue. But it kinda backfired because my mother has told me I have turned my back on my family. My wife and I do not see eye to eye with my parents on this. My parents have actually enabled the problem by watching their kids and going over and hanging out with them. Even smoking weed with them. It just tears your family apart. The last two years have been a nightmare.
I need help for a family member I will check out your other clips. Thank you for telling me to "put the shovel down" lol!
Hi Lucinda! Thanks for checking out my videos. May I ask, how you found them? Also, let me know if there's anything specific you're looking for
I searched randomly and found them. Just looking for peace of mind. I want to make sure I am handling this situation appropriately.
Thank you for your advice. My mom has been dealing with homelessness the last year and she is in another state. I send her money everyday but there is always another excuse why she needs more. I'm so lost on what to do everyone has given up on her and I feel like if I give up then she might give up on living and I will feel responsible. I'm not asking for a handout here, if anyone has had similar situations I would greatly appreciate insite or ideas on how to help her. I'm in CA and she's in NV. Also I'm here to just vent because I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.
It sounds like you feel like you're her last life line. This is holding you hostage. It's okay to help your mom, but I'd think about how to help her strategically instead of just throwing money into the fire.
@@PutTheShovelDown Yes I need to create boundaries and try to build a plan for her, its hard to accept that if I want her to get better I am going to have to do alot more than just send money.trying to enjoy my young adult life just seems like it's slowly disappearing. I do feel like the last line for her and its very frustrating. Sometimes I just want to tell my mom " I love you " but I can't because her response is typically asking for money. She is going hotel to hotel with a two year old son and not even her child is motivating her to figure things out. Her and I went through a homeless program 10 years ago, she completed the 1000 day program and got housing. I'm 25 now and she is 44 I love her so much, we have been through hell and back together. She wants to come back to CA but I feel like if I bring her here it will only get worse and I should help her find a program in NV where she is currently. do not feel obligated to respond, I am just appreciative of the opportunity to vent somewhere.
Just walk away and let them rot on the streets or rot in a prison cell they made those choices you can't control them I have a drug addicted mother I'm 22 I haven't seen her in 22 years she refuses to get better and refuses to listen to me common sense with addiction goes out the window AA does not work Christianity hasn't worked nothing works the only thing to do is walk away from them and hope that they see that and then turn around and say what the heck did I just do
Thank you very much for your information. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared for myself & family. I feel al9ne & something bad is going to happen. I am hearing my brother say he is hering demons that tell him to do bad things.
Great info to have, Amber! I would go with option #3! Option #2 seems like a scary approach. 😬
Thanks Tayler
What is most mystifying to me is that addicts are willing to accept such severe consequences and still continue to abuse their chosen substance.
I am not and have never been married. However, I do have a vivid, active imagination.
If I told my theoretical husband "Please be aware that I am locking the front door to the house at 11 pm no matter what. If you come home after that time, you will have to spend the rest of the night on the front lawn sitting in the snow or go back to the bar". how could he not be afraid AFRAID of the bad consequences to come six hours later?
Is one night of instant gratification and rebellion against the supposedly oppressive wife really worth it?
Please help. My mom left me when I was little and now I’m 14 and my mom has 7 kids including me and she is doing a lot of drugs. She left me for drugs and the next time I see her I want to help her but I don’t know what to say. My dad went to prison when I was 4 and got out when I was 11 he finally got off drugs. I live with my great grandparents and I feel so sad all the time because I know the people that raised me won’t get to see me get older. Whenever they pass I think I’m just going to go too (Sorry this is kinda irrelevant but I needed to get that off my chest).
Hi Shwingler, I'm sorry your going through such a difficult situation. I grew up in an addicted family too. Sometimes when you're in that in that situation you can feel a need to take care of your parents but it's okay just to be a kid.
The second approach is the best option!
No it’s not.
It’s hard when they are verbally and physically abusive.
Hey Amber...I have actually marathoned several of your videos last week. I had to stop for my own sanity. I didn't even realize how bad the addiction was until I watched your videos. In part I watch your videos because they made me feel a lot better, that I hadn't just lost my sanity and let my son's addiction to get the total best of me because I was weak minded and crazy. He really was playing games with me! Even getting clean and sober myself at 24 and being very active in recovery for almost 20 years at one point. My story is very different than my sons. Your videos were telling my story for the last 4 years, but I also wasn't addicted to pain pills living at home either. I evicted my 33 year-old son almost a year ago to this day. He is my only child love and of my life. I overdid it trying to give him everything I never had but I caught it a long time ago and he just refuses to grow up. He recently came back around for the first time after almost a year and spent the night, now all the sudden I have a really big handful of prescription pills missing for the first time since he's been gone. He will NOT admit that he took them. He's never admitted stealing but I now for he has. There was no arguing I'm done with the arguing almost called the police when I noticed but honestly knew all I would get was nowhere except gaslighted and not believe by the police. It's happened before, so I knocked on his door and told him to leave my house. He's trying to convince me that I'm crazy and he didn't take them just like all the other times. On top of that my mom's has taken side his. She doesn't believe me or doesn't want to confront my son? I'm resentful that my mom is enabling my son and has been for the last almost 4 years. There's something weird going on but I don't know everything and I haven't been able to put my finger on it. I thought that I was regaining my family especially with this pandemic. I don't want to lose my family and have to learn to leave without them or them die. There's only five of us I don't see any of them, it's me alone. Its a story but drugs alcohol, and abuse already ruined my 1st family... that's not the reason my son is using. The only way to have a relationship with my mom and my son now the only two members of my family that I used to see is to act like it didn't happen and Im just crazy... I can't do that. If he can't admit it I'm not going to slither away the lying crazy person but I am going to go away throw wild and how it myself first solid then come back at it. Today is his birthday. The best day of my life 33 years ago💔💦 at this point we haven't had a relationship for 4 years and I don't want to forever lose my son so I don't know if I should just go along with it with him lying or not? I don't have it on video camera but I am getting some
My brother is an addict, I see my parents suffer like you, so sorry you have to live through this.. keep strong and fill yourself with Love and Faith and never give up on your son, he must love you so much but it's like they're taken over, possessed, so he can't Express it. Love does Heal💜. Faith does give hope🙌🏼.. but it also starts with US. Each of us first. That's what I told my parents as well. All the best so you can have ur son back and family united🙏
My daughter is 37 and I have been in this merry go round for 20 years. She's a single mom of two kids. She's lived with us and then we build a mil for them to have their own space and us too. She's been a closet drinker but being in her own space gave her the go ahead to go ahead. She went to rehab, lost an amazing business that provided well for them, ended up assaulting someone and burnt our car to the frame with her two kids present. It may be alcoholic psychosis but after all our families painful stress with her angry temper and our helping pay and watch her kids so she could be successful she may go to prison. And even as the counselor at the jail told us it was only alcohol she still denys it was alcohol until I remind her I talked to the jail and I know. I've thought I was going crazy but now I'm just sickened to hear stories of private abuse my grands endured right on our own property. My 8 year old never wants to see her mom again. Tough love as soon as possible is the best way according to AA. We've bailed her out of jail, helped her with a DUI etc etc. they say they only change when they have used up all their resources. My daughter is in that place now and hoping for the best. I have little desire to be around her.
May God comfort you and heal him for you. I understand what you are talking about. Is really heart broken 💔 but with prayers to God Almighty it shall be well
@@brendapeterson7039 I just noticed your response. I'm really sorry that you have to go through that and the kids too. I'm praying for you and your family 🙏
@@favourezike901 thank you very much for praying for me. Praying for you and your family too
my mom is an addict and i dont have a dad or other family, i felt like i was required to take care of her my whole life and lost my youth to it. Im 22 now and still trying to take care of her but i cant continue.. shes stolen from me, racked debt with scary folks and caused me great danger. It has gotten so bad my mental health is at an all time low, i dont know what to do or who to turn to because addiction is so bad in my city. I just want to be free to live my life and i want my mom to be healthy and doing better. I feel like im drowning, ive tried for so long and it only seems to get worse. Im trying to decide my next action and thats how i ended on this video. I feel like i need to finally cut ties but im scared and my heart hurts so badly.
Shes homeless without income and stays with me when she needs to, i dont have anyone to assist me... no S.O no friends, ive been hiding taking care of her and living in fear my whole life. I dont make much money and im a student working what hours i can. i dont know what i can do.
You gotta bounce
Please coach how to be - with my entire extended family plus my oldest sister and her husband who are all drug dealers.
Alright, and what if your a 16 year old with a 50 year old drug addict mom that doesn’t want help or doesn’t see how the drugs are affecting her???
That's a tough one. When your the child and their the adult, it's really a powerless feeling. I came from an addicted family myself, so I know exactly what you're talking about.
Put The Shovel Down is there anything I could do about this?
I think you’ll need to enlist the help of some additional family members.
@K Maxx relax wtf
Exactly how does this craft approach work, will power doesn’t work with addicts
Nana MC Hi Nana, it works through a series of positive reinforcements. It helps motivate the person to move toward recovery. I have a few more videos on the topic if you’re interested in learning more.
Hello thank you for the video. If I have a loved one that is 18 moved out of the house and living with their boyfriend. And is clearly using drugs, isolating herself from family, doesn't wanna talk over the phone or in person about whats going on. What can we do?
Just found my dads crack pipe. So confused I don’t know what to do at all. Idk whether to tell my other family members or to just keep it between us. I think my mom knows already and she was trying to keep it between themselves. I’m scared to talk to my father about this because my whole life my dads been my hero and he would always tell me don’t do drugs or smoke. I think the pressure of not having work is getting to him. On top of that he had a brain aneurysm a couple months back. The doctor told him he’s not allowed to drink or smoke. First hour out of the hospital he buys cigarettes and starts smoking them. We told him that he’s gonna die if he doesn’t change his behavior but he doesn’t seem to care about us or himself at all. He just locks himself in the bathroom for hours, which I now know he was using drugs in there, and just smokes and watches videos. I’m really scared and confused somebody please talk to me give me some advice on how I should talk to him. I’m 13 years old btw
How do you use the craft method???
Excellent, excellent clearly deliverer message. Thank you!!🙏🙏🙏🤎
Thank you kindly
I did have to put her on the street. It's horrible. I had no choice, our manager kicked her out, and we can't afford to move. She's in a tent, and is just fine with it. Sadly.😢
Can I ask you something? I don’t mind this being public (it’s why I’m commenting). It’s currently 2:23 am PST 3.7.21 and I just got home after picking up my older brother cause The police called me at 12:48 am pst and had me come get him. He was found drunk slouched over the steering wheel. This is the second time it’s happened since February. I’m never gonna give up on him. I’ve had a minor drug addiction myself in the past but I don’t know how to handle his alcohol addiction. My question is,
*Is it acceptable for me to throw away the rest of the alcohol Containers that was left in the vehicle so he doesn’t drink them?*
That's a good question. Normally, I'd say that it won't do you any good, but the driving issue does bring a significant safety risk.
My son went to rehab for his fiance. Bad thing to do because you have to do it for yourself. He went right back to drinking. He was doing so well being off the alcohol. His fiance broke up with him she has issues of her own. As for our relationship hes very disrespectful to me and only is nice when he wants something. His birthday was this month and nobody did anything for him so I planned a barbecue. It didn't go well needless to say. He wound up making more of a mess than I needed. Picked a fight with me because he was being sloppy. It was just me my daughter and son and I left for a little bit because he was getting mouthy with me. Came back no one ate dinner. He just got drunk and passed out. I don't like being around it!
I don't drink. It threw me over the edge to the point it throws me into depression.
All I say to myself is what have I done so wrong to make him hate me....
It's been years and he doesn't have it in him to treat me with respect.
I'm broken.
Hi HD, This is my video about dealing with emotional abuse from an addicted loved one: ua-cam.com/video/RQLB1RQfEFY/v-deo.html I think it might be helpful in your situation.
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you so much!! All your videos are helpful. I'm so glad I found your channel 🙏❤
Awwww😞 he doesn't hate you, he's just taken over by these substances that take away his self esteem, his conscienceness, and will power... all the blaming , shaming, judging and guilting is useless, to yourself or towards him.. I think coming from a place of LOVE AND FAITH is a more hopeful approach..it's the only way we can find Healing in the world 🙏God knows we ALL need healing. It really does begin with US.
All the best and keep your faith up🙏💜
@@PutTheShovelDown I just saw your video for a second time. I need to distance myself from my son because the day before Halloween he went off on me on a rant and it really traumatized me. In my car while I was driving. Since then he has left a message apologizing but I haven't spoken to him. He said some horribly mean things. I understand the low selfesteem and I've seen him off the alcohol where he was high on life. I cannot be around him when he drinks so I'm just making it clear to him he won't be seeing me while he is drinking. I almost lost it and it hit me very emotionally.
@@HD-mg9ru have you seen my videos on emotional abuse by an addict?
I have a cousin who has bad friends drinks alot and does idk how many drugs ughhh it's so tough I love my little cousin and he works he has a job but he's ruining his life he lost his mom like 3 years ago never met his dad ..
When I back away from my husband (healthy boundaries/tough love) he goes back to drinking and tells me it’s my fault he’s drinking again. He tells me he doesn’t want help, I’ve been in therapy for a year and a half.
I had to put my son out because he was getting violent and abusive its so heart breaking
I have a aunt who struggles with this her abusive boyfriend hurts her a lot we been telling her to stop but she does not listen to us any tips to help? Btw she told her boyfriend how to get into my grandma house so I mostly worry about her boyfriend
Hi Testing. This is my playlist about MOTIVATING AN ADDICTED LOVED ONT TO STOP USING. I know you're aunts not using drugs but all the techniques I teach will help motivate a person to make positive changes (no matter what they are). Hope it helps, Amber ua-cam.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zYtiUsXjYwB-GJEy2iJ24a4.html
I do wish there were descriptions for each method and how they work/results over time. Searching for multiple videos is kind of inconvenient.
My mom is disable from a stroke and is a alcoholic and addict that tried to get help multiple times and because of the alcohol and drugs she can't get any assist living or help unless she goes to rehab witch she refuses so my siblings and I go threw constant stress of what's next ...are my valuables or money going to become missing or is she going to have someone at my house that's not suppose to be when I'm at work ...its so hard because I can't imagine putting my mom on the streets when she can barely walk 😪
Today i was going out with a friend and i needed socks and when i searched the closet i found a plate on top of the socks and that was a room that my dad spent the most of the time in, so the plate had a lid on top of it so i remove the lid and there was a card, a little straw and something that looks like sugar powder so i think you know what i mean by sugar and i dont know what to do now
Well that’s not a discovery you think you’ll find when looking for socks 😳. Was it already known that your dad did any kind of drugs?
Well that’s not a discovery you think you’ll find when looking for socks 😳. Was it already known that your dad did any kind of drugs?
@@PutTheShovelDown no but when my mom and dad had a divorce my mom vas talking to her parents she said that she found that
daj debilu propustio si priliku zivota kad si smokljan
My son is alcoholic w Bipolar. He can be abusive verbally & blames everybody but himself. Resents that I have a roof over my head. I’m in senior housing. I’ve tried all for decades & he has been homeless & still doesn’t go to a program! Who do I go to for help. He can be a bully & it is scary ? He almost got me evicted 2 yrs ago ! Police did nothing. I need help I’m 72 & I’m tired of his mood swings & trying to put guilt trips & manipulate. Now he’s a step away from homeless using his money for an Airbnb rather than getting into a program like he said he was - he came back here to have eye surgery and said he was going to do a program ! He uses bipolar as a reason not to get into a program and half the time not taking the meds anyway ! Denial I’m so weary of his threats & games !
Hi Sandy, Here are some videos that will help you understand his manipulation tactic and how to deal with them. ua-cam.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zZduHyvDBhsWlsrbm07HssA.html
What if the kid is 32 and he started at 15 and still going he is my brother and hates me i stopped arguments and he is starting physical attacks to make me anger and show everyone how bad I'm😭😭😭😭 what should i do
I hope u respond I’m 12 and my dad has been on pills during 2018 December 2019 December 2020 December is when it has happened but right now he’s doing it again. I’m thinking about telling someone but I don’t want to hurt him because he has said once he feels empty inside and I don’t want sucicide
Hi Nicolas. I'm so sorry that you're in that situation. Carrying that secret is too much for one person, you should tell another adult and get some support for you and your dad. Do you have another family member that you trust?
I have tried step 1 & 2.. and am grieving my daughter being on the street. I do not know about the craft lesson. And would love this help.. I have very little people that can help me.
I’ve tried to go out of my way for my sister and she continues to just ignore my love and hurt me and my family. I am done with her and feel now she is dead to me. I know this is wrong but this has happened for over 20 years.
At least it's not ur parents....
I was the last person to suggest that he gets help and magic to get help as an emergency.. And I was broken to him that I only bring this up in emergency cases. He showed Some leniency towards the help but I think it will take some enticing. He's AX vet so he can get free help
My mom is a active drug addict. She’s been using ever since I was little, from and alcoholism to now using hard drugs. I don’t know how to help her and I’m really trying to find a good way to help. Sadly I’ve drawn myself into coping with alcohol and weed to try and make this situation better. I’ve tried the tough love method and going to nar Aron meeting but it just hurts to talk about it more.
My son has being in n out of rehabs since 2009 he is 34 he was kick out of the place I was renting for him he is coming back hone I’m afraid of spoiling our relation ship any advised ? He’s favorite drug is meth
Oh Carmina, bringing an addicted adult child into your home never works out well. It's recipe for disaster. I understand that sometimes it feels like your only option though.