TO THE YOUNG. Do not ignore the red flags. Do not think giving your all will change them. Do not think unconditional love will change them. Close the door and move on or end up like many of us with decades of manipulation.
Exactly! I did all the things you're saying, but luckily I'm out after 5 months. He used me and abused me, and already has a new supply (guess he had her already during the time he was with me). I chose to ignore the red flags, I thought my unconditional love would fix his mommy issues and so on. I'm grateful for all the videos and information about this subject, it helps me to stay strong and to keep away from him and persons like him. I'm sorry for the people who hadn't had all this information and therefore stayed yeaaaars in these toxic situations. Heartbreaking to read!
I got told by one recently that I have too many boundaries and I'm hard work and too sensitive 🥺 😪. I blocked them today. Glad I didn't blame myself and get rid of my boundaries to make them happy while I suffer. 💯
I was told I was too sensitive all the time. Especially after she'd called me a c**t, that I'm useless, I play the victim card to get sympathy and all my past achievements are pretentious. But - after about 3 weeks in she did tell me that once the dopemine wears off she'd be a sh*t girlfriend and that she's sh*t at relationships so it was always my fault. But I stayed of course - because I could save her..
This is a good description of hoovering. You dump them, then they're sweet as pie until they get you back (manipulative behavior change that they don't actually want to do). Then when you're back on the hook they go back to their old selves. Rinse and repeat.
So true! I realised everything wasn't perfect with my narc wife the moment we got married, but she always convinced me I was the problem. I went to therapist after therapist trying to ascertain where I had fallen down and trying to improve myself so I could be a better husband and father. But she was never satisfied and after a while - about twelve years into the marriage - my eyes were opened and I realized I was going through a form of abuse. Got out of it last September
I can relate. Was told I needed help by her and her mother. Only to be told by my therapist that I was being manipulated and I could either adapt....or run. I kicked her out almost a year ago. Even cut down on my anti depression meds. Never felt better!!!
That was me as well. I was in therapy 4 to times in this marriage as he convinced me I was the one with the problem. Last Fall when he refused to get help for his drinking, controlling and temper, I walked. He said he was who he was and wasn't going to change. What he wanted was the woman he married...the doormat. Well, that woman stood up 7 years ago and set boundaries.
Yes yes yes! The small changes are deceptive, and short-lived. But they cause such chaos that you're always off balance and distracted. So much chaos and upset that it engulfs your time and weakens your will...
This video really fits this phase of my life! Looking back at the best moments and replaying my mistakes. To everyone who feels familiar, avoid the blame that the narcissist is trying to turn back to you. IT IS NOT YOU.
@@loriallen9237 all the major UA-camrs have scammers who like to show up in their comments section pretending to be the UA-camr. I almost fell for one of their scams
Working on myself has been the hardest thing! I have wrapped mr entire life around a marriage for 27 years and 4 kids. My narcissist husband promised the world and charming for about 1 week then same behavior. Found out numerous affairs out of country prostitution and so much more. I decide I can’t change him. I had to change myself and what my boundaries were. Filed for a divorce! He promised me and my kids he was a changed man and he was going to show the kids a better example. He was not going to see anyone and he said he didn’t have any desire! Heartbreaking as hell but we aren’t even divorced and I just found out he has been dating a girl for 7 months. I think we hope the change will happen but Never does. Healing is painful 💔
The most hurtful part was when he compared me with his ex who he said was a psycho, that she wasn't as hard work as me. Truth is, she had no boundaries at all. Easier to abuse. 💯
I once had one tell me "I have no control over you!", with frustrated tears welling up as though I'd wronged her. I was like "uhhh...yeah...you're not supposed to". I was honestly confused.
I was told once that I'm a full time job! This translated means, I had to keep full time boundaries and he couldn't stand it...he was a full time manipulator. They aim straight for our esteem.
Narcissist are just same, are they? My ex told me how his ex is the most psycho desperate b!tch ever and then compared me to her that I’m worse. Joke’s on him, these psycho b!tches are now bestfriends.
this is the most accurate and has been the most helpful out of any material I've read or watched. I actually made the change in me and chose to heal with me myself and I.
You can’t apply ‘normal’ responses to people with NPD. I think that is the hard part . I think of them as highly functioning … but, there is a piece missing & we keep trying to place that missing piece in them . It’s never gonna fit.
Thanks for the advice, very helpful. Quite validating. I was trying to help someone but I finally realized there's nothing I can do until they hit rock bottom
I was told I wanted a fairy tale, and that it did not exist. I was with this man for 11years, with 3 children. November 2020 I left, he had another woman in the family home within 1month of me leaving and she had a baby January 2022. I find change really difficult, I’m still struggling nearly two years on, I’m making progress but it’s slow, and I’m so impatient which doesn’t help, but this is lifelong work the relationship I have with myself is no quick fix.
My ex takes ZERO accountability even tho its been yrs, he still blames me. But he lied, cheated and discarded me I'm baffled. My question is, does he reflect on how he did me and will do the same to the next or was I the special one. I'm telling you, when this man see's me, his whole freakin attitude adjusts to tryna hurt and tear me down out of no where, I cant imagine what I could have done to cause ANYONE to act like this with me
Best video I’ve ever heard -being in narcissist relationship and having beaten my head against the wall trying to make the relationship work. Thank you for explaining it so well and literally saving my life today…
This really helps me. My ex blamed me for not seeing her change (temporary) she has done for me (I tried to leave multiple times). She said she was changing but the relentless criticism, manipulation and controlling did not stop at the same time. She didn't think she was controlling at all. Finally I understand because she didn't get the results she wanted that was why she offered to "change". She said I am the one she would want to change for me. Liar.
Absolutely! ALL OF THIS!! I was blaming myself at first. Until I began to reflect back from the beginning until the moment I discarded him. He love bomb me so much I was literally blind didn’t see anything then I begin to pray after a year or so. I was thinking ok yes he has issues we all do, but his issues was a lot different from a normal person. He would buy me gifts after an argument he would project that I’m a materialistic person after I told him I’m not! Oh yeah WE agreed to do marriage counseling and he would back out every time the day before telling me he don’t need counseling but yet decided to download an app for marriage counseling lol but didn’t want to go sit in front of a real person. He would change for a couple weeks then back to his normal self again. He would own it but project it on me then buy material things. This is good education your giving. Thank you!
Wow. This is exactly 💯 what I faced. Each word you said it's like exactly what I experienced. It's like a train had hit my life and I was like what the heck was that.
Thank you. You're right! We assume they valued us and the relationship as much as we did. However it was more manipulation to achieve what can I get from this person today to serve ME. That's all they care about me me me.
I think this is why some manipulative people ghost out on us...when a boundary goes up, something in them knows they can't change for us, so they will cut thier losses and realize the jig is up...they abandon. One platonic male friend I had, was revealing as time went by, to be a very manipulative man. I would talk about personal improvement to which he would reply, "you dont need to work on yourself...you are fine." That sounds like a compliment at first, but as time went by, I realized he was very unhealthy and didn't want me to grow strong. As I continued on my path, my boundaries were in place...subsequently, he lost interest in the friendship...he couldn't continue with his crappy behavior, so he abandoned the friendship.
This was a phenomenal video, thank you so much for sharing your insights. I'm going through a tough time right now with a friend of 13 years - I always was the agreeable, empathetic and accommodating friend even when this person was not treating me nicely or was passive aggressive/talked down to me. She always has to be right. I'm realizing after all this time that I'm no longer willing to accept those terms. It's heartbreaking in a way, but whatever the end result I know I will only surround myself with people who treat me well.
I spent 30 years trying to appease my “best” friend. I ignored my own sense of right and wrong, placed myself second to her, tried to conform to her will, did everything I could to pacify and help her, yet it wasn’t until I started establishing boundaries between my kids and hers that I truly saw her true nature. She did say things like, “You are not a loyal friend”, “You make me be mean”, and “This is how I am, I’m not changing for anyone.” After I had finally had enough, I walked away from the relationship, but it took years to understand what I had been dealing with was a narcissistic personality. We lived in the same neighborhood and met at the age of 14. I totally understand your grief, but believe me, it’s better to understand sooner rather than later.
Great video Stephanie, you always make things so clear and easy to understand. My life has been transformed by all I've learned from you, thanks always.
look for someone who wants to change and better them for themselves and not for someone who wants to change for the reason of how another person wants them to be.
Omg your so so right I keep going back to her She holds me more out of fear than love ..... ..I'm a big time Contractor.. Why can't I get away Omg your so right How much are you for a session, talk ,hr Dan
Being raised in a Family of narcissists, you are Spot on! I see this type of behaviors also with people who dont Follow Jesus Christ as well. From Catholics/Orthodox/Judaism/Mormon/Islam/Jehovah Witness/Hindu, to Atheists and Satanists. Unchanging of the minds no matter what new information they receive. I can only relate this to God's "Strong Delusion" that God gives to those who dont like the Truth. Those who seek truth in all things change as new information comes to the surface. Those who have no love of the truth are unwilling to change and they reject all truth and they reject those who speak truth!
@@Leah-fw5kn Amen amen amen! I am so glad you found your way! You are blessed because so many dont find their way. Matthew 22:14 kjv For many are called, but few are chosen.
When my ex appeared committed to me id see her tantrums and aggression as that of a broken child, years pass she's becoming distant disappearing, not answering calls her tantrums and aggression was that of a deceitful monster.
I should have seen how obsessed he was with his mother. All he wants is her and her money. Said he was with me out of obligation due to cancer. I divorced him. He is so pissed at me. Didnt want me but didnt want me to leave. Damned if you do and damned if you dont. He was raised by a narc mother. So sad.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissistic person, you of course what them to change. It's because they behave in a way they hurt you for no reason, and you totally don't understand what's going on. If you don't have the impulse, that it the other person, that is the problem, you start to change yourself - and then the way down start. You get weaker and weaker. All because you try to get cure from the one that hurts you. That totally kills your self esteem. And after you figured all out, you knock yourself on the head and can't believe that you haven't seen it. Or better: Why you did't react and defend yourself even you saw all the small and even the big red flags. What I've learned from this is, to trust my got feeling more (because, when I am honest, it knew it right from the beginning). Plus: If I have the feeling, one has to change to fit in my life, it is in general the wrong person. Theoretically very easy. But it is not easy to see the difference between your EGO and true SELF ESTEEM. At least when you're someone who questions yourself here and then. But again: The belly feeling is mostly a good guide. If it feels wrong (at least for more the a situation or moment), it is wrong.
How do you get over the roller coaster of emotions? One day I will think, I am going to leave him then the next day he is "kind" and not yelling at me. Then I think ok its not so bad maybe I should stay." How do you overcome that feeling?
He wanted me to feel bad about myself, as did my mother. Never good enough. If he saw me watching this video he’d say…”you should’ve studied psychology”. So dumb. I’m glad I noticed the put downs and ran.
Ugh! My toxic mother used to always say: "Wow, you should have been a psychologist!" whenever I would try to work through our issues or if I tried to make sense of the abuse!
My ex told me straight away she wouldn't change for any man and she had anger issues cos her mum had just died. I think she knew what she was like and was making excuses.
Have you ever in your experience seen ppl show some narc behavior patterns but not actually have a narc personality? My husband never seemed like a narc, but he does have some real childhood trauma that made him have trust issues and his first wife treated him horribly. I was the first woman in his life to show him that not everyone was like that and really did seem to gain his trust but after our 10th year together I couldn't take his family situation, his mom and 4 daughters from his previous marriage really effecting our marriage so I moved out briefly, making it clear that I wasn't leaving him, just the situation. It didn't go well and I ended up back with him but it was never the same again. We've been together 17 years now and I've recently discovered that he seems to show the behavior of a stonewalling narc but I would never have defined his personality as a narc. When I did confront him with his behavior being abusive, he didn't actually try to deny it, it's actually wrecked him. He has been taking the proper steps too make the changes necessary, not just with his behavior, he found himself a counselor and has an appt set up and I truly believe his heart is in it but all these videos saying it's not possible scare tf out of me!! So is it possible to follow these behavior patterns from life traumas bring triggered and be able to truly change if it's not really part of his personality?
If hes able to genuinely self reflect, and is genuinely taking the steps to being a better person then he can most definitely change still. I everything will go good for yall
Do they ever change ? My wife and I are divorcing. She has three marriages. Three different children from three different men. Everyone suspects borderline personality and npd. We separated 6 months ago. She's engaged to number 4
Or what if they says it’s all thier fault they know and shouldn’t of done that. I feel like that’s literally manipulation saying okay I know “it’s all my fault” And then when we explain over a period times what they do they just mirror back what they know we’re saying, and what not to do.. then I end up staying because he’s saying sorry and take accountability and it’s wrong and think okay it’s me too. See 😩
My boyfriend has been diagnosed with autism last summer and a lot of my relationship with him feels like this.. what do you do when it feels like abuse but he really doesn’t mean to abuse you?
I wonder what is the purpose of narcissists on the planet. Meaning why do they exist. It kind of seems like they are not in touch with their heart. Almost robotic. Almost like a particular breed of human. I don't understand why a person would not want to work on themself. Could it be that a narcissist usually comes from an abusive family? I know someone who is a narcissist, and his mom is definitely one too. And her father was an untrustworthy man, but I do t know if he was a narcissist.
So they can’t self reflect because your telling them what they’re doing. They need to do it themselves? Because I tell him all the time things he’s doing that is wrong and hurting me and and he’ll take accountability and say he knows but then he’ll go back to cussing at me and abusing me or degrading me after a week we talk and blame me for those same things we talk about. So it’s almost like he’s self reflecting because i self reflect and say I don’t like this or that.. copying me? He also owns his behavior and what he is doing is wrong. But is he doing that because I’m telling him that? Because he use to say “I didn’t know I was that bad like YOU SAID” so it’s almost like he owns his behavior because I’m telling him what he is doing is wrong
1 John 3:18- love not in words, but in truth and deeds. Actions are to match our words. If not, Satan is the father of all lies. Do you choose good or evil.
You know.... I never expected him to change..he demanded I change..I asked him why He married me if I wasn't who he wanted...he treated me like a child..told me I was a " dumb Norwegian" put me in a psyche ward and told them I was crazy..They gave me a IQ test..come to find out..I was far from stupid..he'd put himself in the same hospital when I filed for divorce and I had a higher IQ than he did....instead of being angry that they've shown you the mean side of themselves..thank them. They've done you a huge favor..its given you reason to leave
Please teach me something because I have a problem as I love all the girls equally.i can't see none of them has any different.i don't know what's happen to me.i most love in the world is only girls.
The question is, what kind of spirit? Many of them hide behind religion to carry out their dirty work and think of you as the devil when you see through their BS.
I'm trying to like this video but it won't let me 😒 I pressed dislike and it let's me do that like wdf.... well I do like it Thank you for your videos they I can relate soo much
I appreciate you and your content so much but sometimes things are a bit confusing and contradictory. If we are all responsible for our own emotions and actions, then technically when people mistreat us then they aren’t responsible for how we feel of the outcome? I have to disagree. It’s sort of like saying if someone smacks you, you don’t have a right to be upset and smack them back. They caused harm and induced feelings of angry by what they did. When someone mistreats us, abuses us, bullies us etc. and we react or suffer long-term consequences of it, they are somewhat responsible for what they did and how we feel.
They can't change they are not going to change they will blame you don't take the blame they want you to change so you can carry them longer than you should no one who loves you would want you to suffer so they don't have to do anything a wife doesn't use you she supports you my wife is a user and I'm sure she is never going to change anything but who she is using I feel sorry for that guy hide your wallet and your mother's jewelry she will steal and she will take she doesn't care about you she just uses you I hope you don't catch her cause she will tell you that you are abusive this woman is a parisit and that won't change ,,,,,,,,
How about we stop telling them they can't change and perhaps they will put forth the effort to heal their trauma, learn how to self-reflect, feel their esteem so that self-accountability doesn't trigger more shame in them. I don't know why you therapists and coaches cannot see you're perpetuating the cycle that prevents them from even considering seeking help. They are empty inside, full of shame and guilt. Someone has to pour life into them (in a healthy way) so that they can receive the life skills that they did not receive during their childhood and learn how to re-parent themselves: Self-love self-awareness self-nurturing self-reflecting self-accountability self-respect self-forgiveness, etc... Breathe life into them, not hopelessness, helplessness and condemnation.... AND I BET YOU, they will slowly shift closer to the light and when they fall off, they will have the skills and self-belief to get back on track. We are going about this the wrong way. #CreatingWhatWeComplainAbout It takes TWO to tango. It's BOTH people's emotional baggage and unhealed trauma AND the role they both played in their childhood family dynamics #BOTH "Empaths" have to stop monitoring other people's change. Your peace and happiness is NOT rooted in that person, it's rooted in you yourself. Accept them as they are or move on AND HEAL........so you're not stuck in a perpetual cycle of choosing partners from your conscious AND unconscious mommy and daddy wounds. WE ALL have both whether mommy and daddy was present or absent, "good" to us or "bad" to us. Both people's "stuff" is at play.
No, I came from a loving family, 2 parents, no excuse why my ex a narcissistic blew it 2 times with me, he was the problem, I even offered to go to therapy with him, he blew it, I was not gonna let him disrespect my 87 year old dad, you disrespect my dad, when you disrespect his daughter.
I can only attract garbage if I don’t allow myself to see my own garbage pile. If I don’t clean up my own act, then I become a laying ground for more garbage to be dumped onto. Clean up your own mess inside even if it’s from trauma and coping mechanisms. No one is coming to save you but the person that you see in the mirror. Be gentle with yourself and but also have tough love! You deserve to be treated right. So treat yourself right first. 🤍🤍 you deserve your own love first.
TO THE YOUNG. Do not ignore the red flags. Do not think giving your all will change them. Do not think unconditional love will change them. Close the door and move on or end up like many of us with decades of manipulation.
Wise words
Exactly! I did all the things you're saying, but luckily I'm out after 5 months. He used me and abused me, and already has a new supply (guess he had her already during the time he was with me). I chose to ignore the red flags, I thought my unconditional love would fix his mommy issues and so on. I'm grateful for all the videos and information about this subject, it helps me to stay strong and to keep away from him and persons like him. I'm sorry for the people who hadn't had all this information and therefore stayed yeaaaars in these toxic situations. Heartbreaking to read!
Daanggg that is truly scary ,its hard to find a right one this day and age
Accept there is thing such a sick person and evil spirit
Bingo!
I got told by one recently that I have too many boundaries and I'm hard work and too sensitive 🥺 😪. I blocked them today. Glad I didn't blame myself and get rid of my boundaries to make them happy while I suffer. 💯
They will always push back, the rules are made by them, the only source of truth.
I was told I was too sensitive all the time. Especially after she'd called me a c**t, that I'm useless, I play the victim card to get sympathy and all my past achievements are pretentious. But - after about 3 weeks in she did tell me that once the dopemine wears off she'd be a sh*t girlfriend and that she's sh*t at relationships so it was always my fault. But I stayed of course - because I could save her..
Shout out to you for standing up!!!
I just blocked him for the first time today after 3.5 years. I can’t. I just can’t continue suffering anymore.
Good job for sticking to your boundaries!!!
This is a good description of hoovering. You dump them, then they're sweet as pie until they get you back (manipulative behavior change that they don't actually want to do). Then when you're back on the hook they go back to their old selves. Rinse and repeat.
💯 💯 💯
And everything they admitted to doing to you they take back once you’re on the hook again. Their ego cannot handle not being perfect
@@straightcashhomey1261 damn that’s a scary thought & goes against any kind of reconciliation.
So true! I realised everything wasn't perfect with my narc wife the moment we got married, but she always convinced me I was the problem. I went to therapist after therapist trying to ascertain where I had fallen down and trying to improve myself so I could be a better husband and father. But she was never satisfied and after a while - about twelve years into the marriage - my eyes were opened and I realized I was going through a form of abuse. Got out of it last September
I am sure that was difficult. Good for you!
Good for you. I hope you get much happiness
I can relate. Was told I needed help by her and her mother. Only to be told by my therapist that I was being manipulated and I could either adapt....or run. I kicked her out almost a year ago. Even cut down on my anti depression meds. Never felt better!!!
That was me as well. I was in therapy 4 to times in this marriage as he convinced me I was the one with the problem. Last Fall when he refused to get help for his drinking, controlling and temper, I walked. He said he was who he was and wasn't going to change. What he wanted was the woman he married...the doormat. Well, that woman stood up 7 years ago and set boundaries.
@@marciflanagan5829 Good for you 👍
Yes yes yes!
The small changes are deceptive, and short-lived. But they cause such chaos that you're always off balance and distracted. So much chaos and upset that it engulfs your time and weakens your will...
You help me more than other speakers on narcissism because you give me tangible tools for dealing with my toxic relationship.
Thank you, they will even tell you they're not changing. same with family members.
This video really fits this phase of my life!
Looking back at the best moments and replaying my mistakes.
To everyone who feels familiar, avoid the blame that the narcissist is trying to turn back to you. IT IS NOT YOU.
@sᴛᴇᴘʜᴀɴɪᴇ ʟʏɴ ᴄᴏᴀᴄʜɪɴɢ what?!
@@loriallen9237 all the major UA-camrs have scammers who like to show up in their comments section pretending to be the UA-camr. I almost fell for one of their scams
She told me I was the abuser.
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns they *always do... 🙄
@@loriallen9237 nutcases basically, thank you .
Working on myself has been the hardest thing! I have wrapped mr entire life around a marriage for 27 years and 4 kids. My narcissist husband promised the world and charming for about 1 week then same behavior. Found out numerous affairs out of country prostitution and so much more. I decide I can’t change him. I had to change myself and what my boundaries were. Filed for a divorce! He promised me and my kids he was a changed man and he was going to show the kids a better example. He was not going to see anyone and he said he didn’t have any desire! Heartbreaking as hell but we aren’t even divorced and I just found out he has been dating a girl for 7 months. I think we hope the change will happen but Never does. Healing is painful 💔
Get Rid of him.
This is brilliant, explains their behaviour which was confusing, manipulative and erratic. Drove me crazy. Almost 10 years of no contact
The most hurtful part was when he compared me with his ex who he said was a psycho, that she wasn't as hard work as me. Truth is, she had no boundaries at all. Easier to abuse. 💯
I once had one tell me "I have no control over you!", with frustrated tears welling up as though I'd wronged her. I was like "uhhh...yeah...you're not supposed to". I was honestly confused.
I was told once that I'm a full time job! This translated means, I had to keep full time boundaries and he couldn't stand it...he was a full time manipulator. They aim straight for our esteem.
Same
Narcissist are just same, are they? My ex told me how his ex is the most psycho desperate b!tch ever and then compared me to her that I’m worse. Joke’s on him, these psycho b!tches are now bestfriends.
Mine did the same thing.
this is the most accurate and has been the most helpful out of any material I've read or watched. I actually made the change in me and chose to heal with me myself and I.
You can’t apply ‘normal’ responses to people with NPD. I think that is the hard part . I think of them as highly functioning … but, there is a piece missing & we keep trying to place that missing piece in them . It’s never gonna fit.
Perfectly said....i struggle the most with this part
What an eye-opener! Perfectly explained. Thank you for communicating this important information!
You have no reason how helpful this is ! I’m only 3 months out and healing and this has given me some peace 🙏
Thanks for the advice, very helpful. Quite validating. I was trying to help someone but I finally realized there's nothing I can do until they hit rock bottom
I was told I wanted a fairy tale, and that it did not exist. I was with this man for 11years, with 3 children. November 2020 I left, he had another woman in the family home within 1month of me leaving and she had a baby January 2022. I find change really difficult, I’m still struggling nearly two years on, I’m making progress but it’s slow, and I’m so impatient which doesn’t help, but this is lifelong work the relationship I have with myself is no quick fix.
It's better to wait for the right person than to waste your time with the wrong person.
💙UA-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
My ex takes ZERO accountability even tho its been yrs, he still blames me. But he lied, cheated and discarded me I'm baffled. My question is, does he reflect on how he did me and will do the same to the next or was I the special one. I'm telling you, when this man see's me, his whole freakin attitude adjusts to tryna hurt and tear me down out of no where, I cant imagine what I could have done to cause ANYONE to act like this with me
Best video I’ve ever heard -being in narcissist relationship and having beaten my head against the wall trying to make the relationship work. Thank you for explaining it so well and literally saving my life today…
This really helps me. My ex blamed me for not seeing her change (temporary) she has done for me (I tried to leave multiple times). She said she was changing but the relentless criticism, manipulation and controlling did not stop at the same time. She didn't think she was controlling at all. Finally I understand because she didn't get the results she wanted that was why she offered to "change". She said I am the one she would want to change for me. Liar.
Absolutely! ALL OF THIS!! I was blaming myself at first. Until I began to reflect back from the beginning until the moment I discarded him. He love bomb me so much I was literally blind didn’t see anything then I begin to pray after a year or so. I was thinking ok yes he has issues we all do, but his issues was a lot different from a normal person. He would buy me gifts after an argument he would project that I’m a materialistic person after I told him I’m not! Oh yeah WE agreed to do marriage counseling and he would back out every time the day before telling me he don’t need counseling but yet decided to download an app for marriage counseling lol but didn’t want to go sit in front of a real person. He would change for a couple weeks then back to his normal self again. He would own it but project it on me then buy material things. This is good education your giving. Thank you!
Ugh. They often "own" it just to placate you. Then minor and unsustainable changes.
Over and over and over...
Wow. This is exactly 💯 what I faced. Each word you said it's like exactly what I experienced. It's like a train had hit my life and I was like what the heck was that.
Thank you. You're right! We assume they valued us and the relationship as much as we did. However it was more manipulation to achieve what can I get from this person today to serve ME. That's all they care about me me me.
True
You are so great,thank you so much for being so empathetic and educated on all of these subjects❤
I think this is why some manipulative people ghost out on us...when a boundary goes up, something in them knows they can't change for us, so they will cut thier losses and realize the jig is up...they abandon. One platonic male friend I had, was revealing as time went by, to be a very manipulative man. I would talk about personal improvement to which he would reply, "you dont need to work on yourself...you are fine." That sounds like a compliment at first, but as time went by, I realized he was very unhealthy and didn't want me to grow strong. As I continued on my path, my boundaries were in place...subsequently, he lost interest in the friendship...he couldn't continue with his crappy behavior, so he abandoned the friendship.
That's all
Well said! 💯
Thankyou Stephanie. It's good to have boundaries in all relationships
My ex husband travelled incessantly "for work"...gone 3 weeks a month for more than 20 years! How deceived I was to stay
This was a phenomenal video, thank you so much for sharing your insights. I'm going through a tough time right now with a friend of 13 years - I always was the agreeable, empathetic and accommodating friend even when this person was not treating me nicely or was passive aggressive/talked down to me. She always has to be right. I'm realizing after all this time that I'm no longer willing to accept those terms. It's heartbreaking in a way, but whatever the end result I know I will only surround myself with people who treat me well.
I don't regret dumping any of these jerks from my life. It can be lonely but I'd rather be lonely and have my self-respect
I spent 30 years trying to appease my “best” friend. I ignored my own sense of right and wrong, placed myself second to her, tried to conform to her will, did everything I could to pacify and help her, yet it wasn’t until I started establishing boundaries between my kids and hers that I truly saw her true nature. She did say things like, “You are not a loyal friend”, “You make me be mean”, and “This is how I am, I’m not changing for anyone.” After I had finally had enough, I walked away from the relationship, but it took years to understand what I had been dealing with was a narcissistic personality. We lived in the same neighborhood and met at the age of 14. I totally understand your grief, but believe me, it’s better to understand sooner rather than later.
Great video Stephanie, you always make things so clear and easy to understand. My life has been transformed by all I've learned from you, thanks always.
look for someone who wants to change and better them for themselves and not for someone who wants to change for the reason of how another person wants them to be.
Thank you so so much for this one. I wish I had this 9, 5, 13 years ago.
Absolutely fantastic content!!!
Thanks Stephanie!
Thank you so much for this in depth explanation.The last part about aknowledgment is priceless.
Wow! Thanks a lot for the great explanation
Thanks Steph. Very important point.
True. Change is not easy.
Very important and insightful video!!
Thank you So much for these videos honestly...they are an absolute life saver ❤️❤️❤️
Whew!! … hit home SO much 😔
I don’t even understand what I am feeling (my relationship is potentially crumbling).
I still think I could have done things better. Very hard lesson learned. Time to take care of me.
Omg your so so right
I keep going back to her
She holds me more out of fear than love .....
..I'm a big time Contractor..
Why can't I get away
Omg your so right
How much are you for a session, talk ,hr
Dan
Great video thank you! Spot on!
I love intelligent minded people.
Sound, helpful information.
an excellent clarification - thanks
Being raised in a Family of narcissists, you are Spot on! I see this type of behaviors also with people who dont Follow Jesus Christ as well. From Catholics/Orthodox/Judaism/Mormon/Islam/Jehovah Witness/Hindu, to Atheists and Satanists. Unchanging of the minds no matter what new information they receive. I can only relate this to God's "Strong Delusion" that God gives to those who dont like the Truth. Those who seek truth in all things change as new information comes to the surface. Those who have no love of the truth are unwilling to change and they reject all truth and they reject those who speak truth!
As a former Jehovah's Witness of 30 years.... your absolutely correct. I am now a Christian and no longer in a cult! 🥰😇
@@Leah-fw5kn Amen amen amen! I am so glad you found your way! You are blessed because so many dont find their way. Matthew 22:14 kjv For many are called, but few are chosen.
I agree 100% the core of this type of behavior is evil…they actually have a demon living in them guiding their path
The narcissist has changed from bad to worse right before my eyes and there was nothing I could do for her! That was sad! 😔
When my ex appeared committed to me id see her tantrums and aggression as that of a broken child, years pass she's becoming distant disappearing, not answering calls her tantrums and aggression was that of a deceitful monster.
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns I've heard of other very similar stories! 🥺
@@peterknyk1942 thanks Peter. Nightmare to go thru. As you know. Still recovering slowly. Wish you well. Thanks for replying.
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns you are so welcome! Many blessings and peace as you navigate this part of your earth journey! 🙏
@@peterknyk1942 thank you so much Peter, good way of looking at it, this is just a small part of my earth visit. Take care friend ❤
Hi Stephenie just wanted to say hi and hope your well still doing amazing UA-cam content best wishes
Thank you for a very helpful video.
I should have seen how obsessed he was with his mother. All he wants is her and her money. Said he was with me out of obligation due to cancer. I divorced him. He is so pissed at me. Didnt want me but didnt want me to leave. Damned if you do and damned if you dont. He was raised by a narc mother. So sad.
What a video!you are amazing! thank you!
Thank you Stephanie💕
Im so glad i found this channel 🙂
When you are in a relationship with a narcissistic person, you of course what them to change. It's because they behave in a way they hurt you for no reason, and you totally don't understand what's going on. If you don't have the impulse, that it the other person, that is the problem, you start to change yourself - and then the way down start. You get weaker and weaker. All because you try to get cure from the one that hurts you. That totally kills your self esteem. And after you figured all out, you knock yourself on the head and can't believe that you haven't seen it. Or better: Why you did't react and defend yourself even you saw all the small and even the big red flags. What I've learned from this is, to trust my got feeling more (because, when I am honest, it knew it right from the beginning). Plus: If I have the feeling, one has to change to fit in my life, it is in general the wrong person. Theoretically very easy. But it is not easy to see the difference between your EGO and true SELF ESTEEM. At least when you're someone who questions yourself here and then. But again: The belly feeling is mostly a good guide. If it feels wrong (at least for more the a situation or moment), it is wrong.
Thank you. This is great.
How do you get over the roller coaster of emotions? One day I will think, I am going to leave him then the next day he is "kind" and not yelling at me. Then I think ok its not so bad maybe I should stay." How do you overcome that feeling?
Very helpful video. Thank you so much.😊
Very lucid and helpful....
They can change their toxic behavior but choose not to. It’s a simple decision. It’s up to you how you want to act.
Really appreciate this. 👍👍👍
This was so helpful.
I want to send this to my ex-girlfriend soo badly. I'm going to think about it for a few days... very impactful vid, Steph. Thx.
So educational! Thank you!
Bottom line is you only have the ability to change yourself. Because there is always room for improvement.
He wanted me to feel bad about myself, as did my mother.
Never good enough.
If he saw me watching this video he’d say…”you should’ve studied psychology”.
So dumb.
I’m glad I noticed the put downs and ran.
Ugh! My toxic mother used to always say: "Wow, you should have been a psychologist!" whenever I would try to work through our issues or if I tried to make sense of the abuse!
But no one changes for anyone. People can change because of you but never for you.
Demons can't change.
My ex told me straight away she wouldn't change for any man and she had anger issues cos her mum had just died. I think she knew what she was like and was making excuses.
Have you ever in your experience seen ppl show some narc behavior patterns but not actually have a narc personality?
My husband never seemed like a narc, but he does have some real childhood trauma that made him have trust issues and his first wife treated him horribly. I was the first woman in his life to show him that not everyone was like that and really did seem to gain his trust but after our 10th year together I couldn't take his family situation, his mom and 4 daughters from his previous marriage really effecting our marriage so I moved out briefly, making it clear that I wasn't leaving him, just the situation. It didn't go well and I ended up back with him but it was never the same again. We've been together 17 years now and I've recently discovered that he seems to show the behavior of a stonewalling narc but I would never have defined his personality as a narc. When I did confront him with his behavior being abusive, he didn't actually try to deny it, it's actually wrecked him. He has been taking the proper steps too make the changes necessary, not just with his behavior, he found himself a counselor and has an appt set up and I truly believe his heart is in it but all these videos saying it's not possible scare tf out of me!! So is it possible to follow these behavior patterns from life traumas bring triggered and be able to truly change if it's not really part of his personality?
If hes able to genuinely self reflect, and is genuinely taking the steps to being a better person then he can most definitely change still. I everything will go good for yall
It seems we tend to regress to the norm. Once the fake love bombing subsides, the true narcissist/psychopath emerges. What do you think?
Do they ever change ? My wife and I are divorcing. She has three marriages. Three different children from three different men. Everyone suspects borderline personality and npd. We separated 6 months ago. She's engaged to number 4
Wow....the narcissist never really tries to improve themselves do they? Self improvement videos/books are like their kriptonite
Mine used stuff like this to get a sort of psychological vocabulary to be more manipulative.
Or what if they says it’s all thier fault they know and shouldn’t of done that.
I feel like that’s literally manipulation saying okay I know “it’s all my fault” And then when we explain over a period times what they do they just mirror back what they know we’re saying, and what not to do.. then I end up staying because he’s saying sorry and take accountability and it’s wrong and think okay it’s me too. See 😩
it seems the work environment in the usa , favor the narcissist ,
My boyfriend has been diagnosed with autism last summer and a lot of my relationship with him feels like this.. what do you do when it feels like abuse but he really doesn’t mean to abuse you?
Get away. 🙏🏻…
Autism presents differently regarding some aspects of emotions. Bottom line, are you happy? If not, it’s not working and they won’t change.
I wonder what is the purpose of narcissists on the planet. Meaning why do they exist. It kind of seems like they are not in touch with their heart. Almost robotic. Almost like a particular breed of human. I don't understand why a person would not want to work on themself. Could it be that a narcissist usually comes from an abusive family? I know someone who is a narcissist, and his mom is definitely one too. And her father was an untrustworthy man, but I do t know if he was a narcissist.
So they can’t self reflect because your telling them what they’re doing. They need to do it themselves? Because I tell him all the time things he’s doing that is wrong and hurting me and and he’ll take accountability and say he knows but then he’ll go back to cussing at me and abusing me or degrading me after a week we talk and blame me for those same things we talk about. So it’s almost like he’s self reflecting because i self reflect and say I don’t like this or that.. copying me?
He also owns his behavior and what he is doing is wrong. But is he doing that because I’m telling him that? Because he use to say “I didn’t know I was that bad like YOU SAID” so it’s almost like he owns his behavior because I’m telling him what he is doing is wrong
1 John 3:18- love not in words, but in truth and deeds. Actions are to match our words. If not, Satan is the father of all lies. Do you choose good or evil.
Yes ma'am
You know....
I never expected him to change..he demanded I change..I asked him why He married me if I wasn't who he wanted...he treated me like a child..told me I was a " dumb Norwegian" put me in a psyche ward and told them I was crazy..They gave me a IQ test..come to find out..I was far from stupid..he'd put himself in the same hospital when I filed for divorce and I had a higher IQ than he did....instead of being angry that they've shown you the mean side of themselves..thank them.
They've done you a huge favor..its given you reason to leave
Please teach me something because I have a problem as I love all the girls equally.i can't see none of them has any different.i don't know what's happen to me.i
most love in the world is only
girls.
You are probably a narcissist
What?
There is a question that came to my mind while I was watching this video, wchich is
Can a narcist be a spiritual person at the same time?
My narc goes to church regularly and is so loved by many. He hides who he really is.
The question is, what kind of spirit? Many of them hide behind religion to carry out their dirty work and think of you as the devil when you see through their BS.
@@davidhinkson8856 he absolutely does think very low of me... always has and that hurts still.
Yes I've play that role narcissist spirituality
I'm trying to like this video but it won't let me 😒 I pressed dislike and it let's me do that like wdf.... well I do like it Thank you for your videos they I can relate soo much
Hard to hear but necessary
I appreciate you and your content so much but sometimes things are a bit confusing and contradictory. If we are all responsible for our own emotions and actions, then technically when people mistreat us then they aren’t responsible for how we feel of the outcome? I have to disagree. It’s sort of like saying if someone smacks you, you don’t have a right to be upset and smack them back. They caused harm and induced feelings of angry by what they did. When someone mistreats us, abuses us, bullies us etc. and we react or suffer long-term consequences of it, they are somewhat responsible for what they did and how we feel.
They can't change they are not going to change they will blame you don't take the blame they want you to change so you can carry them longer than you should no one who loves you would want you to suffer so they don't have to do anything a wife doesn't use you she supports you my wife is a user and I'm sure she is never going to change anything but who she is using I feel sorry for that guy hide your wallet and your mother's jewelry she will steal and she will take she doesn't care about you she just uses you I hope you don't catch her cause she will tell you that you are abusive this woman is a parisit and that won't change ,,,,,,,,
❤❤❤❤.
29 years. And trapped. Too chickensh#t
P
How about we stop telling them they can't change and perhaps they will put forth the effort to heal their trauma, learn how to self-reflect, feel their esteem so that self-accountability doesn't trigger more shame in them.
I don't know why you therapists and coaches cannot see you're perpetuating the cycle that prevents them from even considering seeking help.
They are empty inside, full of shame and guilt. Someone has to pour life into them (in a healthy way) so that they can receive the life skills that they did not receive during their childhood and learn how to re-parent themselves:
Self-love self-awareness self-nurturing self-reflecting self-accountability self-respect self-forgiveness, etc...
Breathe life into them, not hopelessness, helplessness and condemnation.... AND I BET YOU, they will slowly shift closer to the light and when they fall off, they will have the skills and self-belief to get back on track.
We are going about this the wrong way. #CreatingWhatWeComplainAbout
It takes TWO to tango. It's BOTH people's emotional baggage and unhealed trauma AND the role they both played in their childhood family dynamics #BOTH
"Empaths" have to stop monitoring other people's change. Your peace and happiness is NOT rooted in that person, it's rooted in you yourself. Accept them as they are or move on AND HEAL........so you're not stuck in a perpetual cycle of choosing partners from your conscious AND unconscious mommy and daddy wounds. WE ALL have both whether mommy and daddy was present or absent, "good" to us or "bad" to us.
Both people's "stuff" is at play.
No, I came from a loving family, 2 parents, no excuse why my ex a narcissistic blew it 2 times with me, he was the problem, I even offered to go to therapy with him, he blew it, I was not gonna let him disrespect my 87 year old dad, you disrespect my dad, when you disrespect his daughter.
I can only attract garbage if I don’t allow myself to see my own garbage pile. If I don’t clean up my own act, then I become a laying ground for more garbage to be dumped onto. Clean up your own mess inside even if it’s from trauma and coping mechanisms. No one is coming to save you but the person that you see in the mirror.
Be gentle with yourself and but also have tough love! You deserve to be treated right. So treat yourself right first. 🤍🤍 you deserve your own love first.