Only meet your extrovert friends in an environment where they’re eating or drinking (preferably somewhere good with large portions so they have their mouth full most of the time). Then it’s simply a case of waiting it out until they take a bite of their meal or a slurp of their drink. That 0.1 of a millisecond is all you need!
You just explained the reason why I hate hunging out with groups, it's always the loudest and often the dumbest one who dominant the conversation, and the rest are basically fighting to be heard. I found the solution is to hung out with people individually.
I agree. In groups useally feel like noone really wants to hear what the others REALLY think, it's almost like a pissing match, who has the best come back or has a better story or better answer. In groups I'm always the quite one OR the last to speak. I hate when after a while someone realizes you haven't contributed to the group conversation and stops everyone and asks you what your thinking. The worst.
@@shellr3872 lol, that's bad to ask someone their opinion when they haven't talked in group? Becouse I usually try to make everyone say their opinion. (In school, group works). (I'm introvert).
Man, it really salts my apples when someone, mid group, asks, "what do you think?" after hours of them glazing over my multiple attempts of TRYINGTOTELLTHEM... I think to myself, "FINALLY, this is my one shot, one opportunity to make a difference!“ but now they're talking about potatoes, not potatas and I end up feeling like a real dummy head no matter what I say or do not say... I wish it were always appropriate to raise one's hand to talk. Even so, I'd probably be last to be called because the others hands were louder and more shiny than mine.
You know, maybe that's the solution. It's not normal to raise your hand, which means people will notice if you do! Oh, my God, you're a genius! When quarantine ends, I'm totally going to test this out.
I like to read all comments on your videos , they are just as a brainstorming session . That is why Infjs are highily intelligent . They like talking till depth , & nobody is patient to hear our depth & different perspectives we hold to a certain subject. We need someone to stay in tune with us & we hardly find them .
omg, that fading into the background dramatization was spot on. i literally lol'd and nearly spit out my tea. unfortunately, i don't have any advice, since my approach has become the aggressive interruption. :-/
This is why I try to avoid group conversations lol. I've grown tired of the feelings that accompany being marooned. Also, you got a good chuckle outta me when you said that about extroverts tiring themselves out. Those silly extroverts.
Two portraits of family conversations - then, My Coping Mechanisms for this phenomenon: First, dinner with my dad. My dad doesn't visit often. He's an intense conversationalist, I think because he spends a lot of time to himself. Our phone conversations are often longer than an hour. During this dinner, my dad asks me a huge question - "What is the job of a conductor in a musical group?" So I answer - In the moment conductors use body language to show how they want music played, if it doesn't work they tell a group how they want music played. They select music that fits the group. They listen to how the group sounds and plan what to do for the next rehearsal and the next cycle. And I spent like 5 minutes talking - my dad let me explain fully what a conductor does. It felt weird. Second, any holiday with any number of my husband's relatives. My mother in law confuses me. She asks me a question and doesn't wait for me to get to the answer. Did you want to know or not? It's almost expected in that family that people interrupt. So I just sit and nod my head and actively listen and drink wine. My solution? Know the audience. In those in-law situations I keep it shallow and don't emotionally invest too much. My family will go further in depth and (usually) allow me the space to fully explain myself. My work friends and life friends understand my rhythm. They will give me space and offer their detailed input, and I do the same for them. Usually I don't hang out with people who interrupt me. But if I'm with an individual who does (sometimes my husband), I'll let them say their piece, acknowledge what they said and then politely segue back to the point I was making. And I'll be a model, too, if I interrupt someone (which I do if I get excited), I'll finish by saying, "Wait, I interrupted you, what were you going to say about ---?"
That's so true! If you keep in mind the style/dynamic of the people you're with then it's much less hurtful/frustrating. Such good advice 🙂 I come from a family of polite but chatty introverts and had to adjust my expectations with my ex-partner's family who are more naturally extroverted 😅 I generally took on the quiet listener role and was also confused if I was asked the same question more than once. In my family there's virtually no repetition because it hurts our heads 😅 My ex's thinking style means that he needs to get to the end of his thought/speech without being interrupted so I trained myself to interrupt as little as possible. With other people I fear I may be an enthusiastic interrupter at times but, like you, I try to keep it in check and/or apologise.
Yeah it is really good advice. Switch it up depending on the homies you are dealing with. See this is one of the things I love about being here, all these beautiful minded and insightful individuals that can express so well what is inside. I find it hard to express so it is such a joy to watch and read and be like 'yes! exactly that!'. My family is full of loud people that talk over each other, every Christmas and whatever gathering was a beautiful chaotic nightmare. I had to learn from early on that I needed to just interrupt them if I wanted to say something, and yes I know it is rude (but they don't shut up). It became a habit so now I'm working on toning it down, because often I feel like finishing what people are trying to tell me so we get to the point faster and then I can make my own, haha. I do it with love tho! But I promise I will keep trying =} As for my ex, well his family were very polite people. I mean they were lively but everybody was given a chance to participate. It was a really nice environment. Quite the contrast from what I was accustomed to.
Maria Behar You express yourself beautifully 🙂 I've found a great deal of compassion, clarity and insight here too. It's amazing to have a gathering of people who want to help each other to a better understanding of how our minds all work, eccentricities and all ❤ It's interesting that you had the opposite experience to me - the more chaotic family life (which sounds like it was full of love) and then the unusual peace/quiet with your ex's family. I can understand why that was lovely for you but also feel like I could do with being trained up by you to be better at joining in/interjecting with groups of extroverts 😅
Georgina Leeson Thank you for your beautiful words :) I'll gladly show you the ways of how to navigate the extrovert infested waters. Us introverts and ladies have to stick together! :)
🤣 you kill me! Nailed it as always!! And I politely waited until you were done speaking to comment 🙄 I have always been the silent lurker in group settings. There rarely is anything worth my adding or more likely, I don't like the people enough to contribute anything of value. I'm usually a passive participant. If someone wants to talk to me, I will talk but usually I just listen and I'm fine with that.
I find when I do open up in a group setting, I suddenly realize all eyes are on me and I feel like people are not really listening, only judging. Then I get super awkward....I studder, my words come out all dyslexic or I feel like I'm just rambling. Liked the dial up sound effect for an introverts brain. Perfect! LoL. Really appreciate all you do FJ. :)
I'm in awe that you're making new outro music on top of producing a video a day. That's a crazy creative challenge! 😅 Thank you for making me laugh so much today. I just told my Dad your videos are keeping me sane in exceptionally strange times. My first step for having a good conversation? Hang out with introverts 😅 Or intuitive extroverts 🙂 I tend to do what you suggest and only contribute when I have something half decent to say. That usually works out because of our good listening skills. Truthfully, I'm more likely to quietly split one person away from the group conversationally and have a one-on-chat with half an ear on the general conversation. That may be rude but that's how I've adapted, I guess. I'm adept at faking social confidence and doing small talk. I enjoy meeting new people. The toughest thing for me is a group of friends that I know well, which can lead to the isolated/frustrated feeling that you're talking about. Yes to being too polite! I can override it when necessary, though. (I have to be really pushed 😅) I'm so glad that you're expressing yourself through UA-cam. You have so much to say! It makes me sad to think that your IRL people don't get to see your brilliant and very entertaining mind flying free.
Yes! Intuitive extroverts...I feel like they find me. :) Those are the people I like. The ones who find me and want to listen. I hang out with a lot of older, retired people who play music. They usually don't interrupt. ;)
Stephanie Douglass It's the perfect balance, isn't it? 🙂 My favourite intuitive extroverts are a writer and a musician and both are amazing conversationalists (generous, funny and good listeners.) There seems to be a naturally considerate flow of conversation. They also encourage me to be a bit more adventurous. I love the fact that you have older musician friends 🙂 I've been told that I'm 'age blind' in terms of who I can connect with. I actually wonder if that's a common INFJ trait as we see the soul/essence of the person more strongly than the external 'facts'? 🌻❤
Hey, I never thought about splitting up the conversation! That's a pretty decent solution. And it would be even better if they were an extrovert because they might cause the other people to listen, too!
My life. I totally follow the "make it count" strategy. I don't worry about being on the island anymore. What drives me crazy are the times when someone turns to me and asks me a question, which I start to answer--and then, they move on. But then, I just row my little conversation canoe back to my island and continue being "a good listener."
“That’s why I love UA-cam - you can’t interrupt me!” 😂🤣 The truth comes out! 🏆🏆Best Metaphors and UA-cam Titles 2018🏆🏆👏🏼👏🏼 Bulldozing might be the only way to carry on a conversation with extroverts. It’s exhausting and I end up feeling dumber after the conversation is over. I still love extroverts, though! 💜 They remind me to not take things so seriously. Introverts and extroverts need each other!
Stephanie Douglass Good point! Lol. That’s funny. I like to think I’ve trained my husband, too. He knows when I give the death stare 🔥🔥👀👀 that things have gone too far. Maybe we all sort of train each other in a way? My husband has taught me the importance of not letting things get to me and to continue to push for whatever it is I want in life. He is an ESTP/enneagram 8. Honestly, he and I are like Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton sometimes. Our friends don’t understand how we even got together. We both drive each other nuts. @Frank - you really could end every conversation like that with a group of extroverts! What’s funny is I think they actually like it. They need that constant stimulation from outside sources. And, from what I’ve observed anyway, they’re pretty good about letting things go and not taking comments too personally. I can’t keep up with them for very long, though. Haha. I don’t know about you all. It’s almost like a tennis match. You have to constantly be ready to fire back with something or they’ll leave ya in the dust. 🏃♂️💨
People regurgitate their knowledge and we don't listen ENOUGH. My problem is that I can't remember what I was going to say at the end of the conversation because the topics change so much before I can get a word or two in. I've raised my hand before and it shut everyone up...lol Love your channel !
I do that too if I know the people well enough. My extroverted husband and best friend get talking, and I put my hand up that’s my signal for them to shut up because I have something to say! They usually think it’s funny.
I useally just put my hand up in front of me, and say something like, "Hold up a minute, I've got sonething to say, or I have a thought, or I have a question." Oh, and I always say "Sorry to interrupt, but...", IF they don't know me. Is this rude? I hobestly don't know, I've had a couple of people say it's rude, but I felt like thoes people were assholes, trying to make me feel bad for speaking up entirely. I feel like, if your haveing a conversation with me then you obviously want me to talk back, and if you don't, then why am I waisting my time? IDK as you can tell this topic has been a real issue for me in my life. So glad we're discussing this.
Shell R Some people aren't interested in the other side, they just need to say everything they can about the thing they're talking about. It's not the most conversation to have. But it's necessary sometimes for the speaker.
Lmao...that AOL dial up though. I’ve been in several situations where I’m stuck listening to a bunch of extroverts...screaming on the inside cause I can’t get a word in...and then they ask, “are you ok, why are you so quiet?” Really dude, really? Lmao...I totally get this...even the part where you get to speak up and people might think you were mad. I think the way I try to go about it is to judge when the person is going to stop talking and jump in with a few thoughts. Let’s face it, unless you’re with the people who pretty much get you, you can’t really go too deep into a topic, unfortunately :\ Cool outro btw...loved this vlog...it made me laugh and have all these entertaining mental pictures lol. Have a good one, FJ! :)
This has to be one of your funniest videos. I’m dying over here 😂😂 And now every time I get conversationally marooned I envisage myself shrinking off into the distance (waving goodbye to the ship 🚢👋🏽)
I do not have this problem. All the folks in my life enjoy talking and sharing with everyone. We all have a flow in our conversations and our talks. You should hear the noise! It is wonderful. Such joy! There are times one cannot help but laugh at the chaos. We have been together for years. It is natural with us. No competition....just the energy, the laughter and the sound that comes from our love for each other. I can say I have never encountered this with our gathering. I feel our respect and joy and connection to our years together. Family...children...grandchildren...old friends...new friends ...new additions. It has been a lovely life. Love...growing. It is nice.
I am an INFJ and also a middle child....so yes I do interrupt out of pure excitement or fear of being ignored at times but I giggle, apologize and step back and wait for my turn when I do interrupt... especially if it’s a topic I am passionate about ppl will hear what I have to say. I have noticed I am getting better at not interrupting family and finding a place to speak and add another dimension to the conversation, an unexplored idea/metaphor, and also a joke or a cheesy pun to make myself and my family laugh. I really enjoy your sense of humor!!! Especially when you zoomed out and said “what you really needed to say” LOL
8:30 is a great acting. This is my solution sometimes when I feel I'm being ignored and I get frustrated. Most of the time I just let people talk unless we ask for my opinion which I'll express carefully. If I'm close to the people I'm talking to then I'll dare interrupt them because I don't mind the possibility of making a fool of myself in front of them and I know they won't get upset #compassionatefriends People are more open than we might think sometimes.
Came across your channel a couple weeks ago and have been laughing and relating to everything. Decided to watch all your videos from first to last, and this particular one described me word for word, exactly how I feel! -Fellow INFJ
Literal story of my life lol... with a super talkative sibling. My parents always had to interrupt so they could finally hear my voice too sometimes. Developing quick thinking is very helpful, and I think I'm getting better at handling the situation in a not exclusively observing way (and one day I might won't need to come back and edit my comments). Also, nonverbally showing that what you hear is not neutral for you. They will see that it moved something in you and might ask your opinion or wait for your response.
Réka Lévai Hello! I’m that really talkative sibling 😅. Actually I have two sisters , and both are introverts ( so you can imagine the amount of pushing them out of their comfort zones I’ve done) .. Anyways, as I’ve gotten older I’ve tried to be more aware of my siblings, and friends who tend to mull things over during conversation, either by waiting for their response, or asking them what they are thinking etc...I love how you all think deeply and bring depth to a conversation! Patience on an extroverts end is the key!
I'm totally fine just being an observer. Especially in family settings, I just smile (I think) and nod, taking in what everyone is saying. My husband, however, said exactly as you have, that he often feels that he can't jump into a conversation because it's moved on before he can contribute something. I'm way past caring about that. Any truly close friends of mine I tend to contact via WhatsApp only, so no interruptions there, and family members I prefer conversations one-on-one. In a group it's just not happening so I let them all interact with each other while I busy myself cleaning up after the kids or serving the meal etc.
When you’re spending an entire day with a good friend and this happens. It’s so great because you can literally go half the day and then come back to the conversation that you had that morning
Aw man, it makes me sad when that happens. Happens to me around ppl more extroverted than myself, but then sometimes I'm the bad guy, particularly when I'm with an Infj. You guys are such good listeners. In fact, I've never met better listeners. Sometimes my Ne monopolizes a convo, and runs off in 100 tangential directions, or interrupts out of sheer excitement for an idea. It just doesn't wanna chill out once I get started. It's a privilege when an introvert is using his/her energy to share thoughts with another. And infjs have such a wealth of insight to impart. I don't think extroverts appreciate the effort that goes into that communication enough, but we sure don't mean to be jerks. IM A MONSTER! Lol Sorry babes, on behalf of all the dominating pooheads :p Your guys' ideas are just as important as ours! (emphasis!!!!) ***** I'mma be a better listener now I promise. Just realized that your vids give me a window, maybe, into the richness I'm missing out on because of my rambles and interrupting. Is this the kind of magic that happens when you actually let an Infj talk?????!!! Madness!!! I have an infj friend who is like a brother to me. I love him dearly, but I swear I don't know half of what I could know about him because he's so quiet and I have idea diarrhea. No cures yet discovered. :( All extroverts should watch this. For some, this is a Revelation. #letyourintrovertstalkmovement2018 Infinite sorrys and thank yous from Canada. #1 polite nation. XD And as always, FJ, you are way too adorable. STAHP PLEASE!!!!DX P. S. I paused this video to comment before it was finished. Love you!
I laughed all the way through this, because this is sooo true. I'm also a very Empathic listener, and pretty animated with my facial expressions, which I don't know if helps me or gives the other person permission to keep going. But like you my brain is always going, going, going, in processing mode. And the bit about how once you've formed your thought or opinion, the other person is already way down the road, so I always find myself trying to back up the conversation, OMG, made me laugh, I guess it was one of thoes things that I thought was only happening to me. I've learned over the years to be aggressive and butting into the conversation because if I don't I'm afraid I will forget what I was wanting to say, but I ALWAYS feel anxious for being rude after the conversation, when I go back over it in my head later, lol. I've been told that I can be abrupt and too straightforward and it shocks people or puts them off, because I am such an introvert, And always kinda hurts my feelings when that happens, because I never mean it in a bad way. I will useally try to forwarn the person if they do not know me, that I can be straight forward and tell it like I see it, so they wont be offended and take me the wrong way. I find that, that helps some. Oh and the thing about talking with extroverts, lol, I was thinking about my friends over the years and realized that about 90% of my friends are Extroverts, almost every single one, except for a couple introverts, but mostly I attract Extroverts, or are there just more Extroverts out there??? Loved this video! Love this conversation! Thanks for bringing it up and putting it out there, now I know it's not just me, lol. Oh and thanks for the laugh.😁❣
Hello FJ, your vids brighten my day! You are my sunshine, baby! Since I'm an INFJ, who's far from having mastered the conversational skills , I constantly feel marooned when talking to people , if there are more than two of us. I totally dig the tree metaphor, cuz I'm that monkey that jumps all branches and lands on the top of the tree crown to have that beautiful wide view. Which makes me ponder... am I the one marooned? Or maybe I actually maroon other monkeys, who decide to stay in the first branch and then switch their attention to other trees? Hmm... All I know is that conversations with other introverts or ambiverts or some feeling, intuitive extraverts are the deepest for me and I feel like we speaks the same soul language. Plus they are balanced, nobody feels abandoned. The toughest for me is a talk with a bunch of extraverts. Trying to participate actively stresses me out so bad, that I usually go full radar mode and just observe. I hardly send any signal out, so their radars won't pick anything from me (one of your earlier metaphors- a great one!) .They even turn their backs on me and I just wanna disappear. It feels awful. And yes, when I'm ready to say something interesting, impactful, they are already like three trees away from me! So why would I even bother ^^
Can totally relate. And for people that don't have a UA-cam channel to get all their thoughts out, that's the great thing about email, and texting. You can get everything out (if you actually remember to put everything you were thinking to say) without being interupted... but then it has to actually be read, and sometimes that doesn't happen, so you're still not heard. And then sometimes they do read it, but don t respond.
OMG! That was hilarious!! 😂 Literally tears in my eyes laughing!! What happens to me is I kinda give up and drift off and am somewhere in lala land or something and they suddenly pull me back in and say, “So what do YOU think?” And I snap out of my dream world and say, “I don’t know... “ Lol. Then they ask why I’m not paying attention and I was so stupidly honest and said, “...because it’s tiring to listen to everyone talking.” This happened to me a lot when I was in France, when I was still married. The French are loud and talk forever and all over each other. Needless to say, I wasn’t very popular with the in-laws. Lol I just usually retreat and end up getting a migraine for a few days. At least I have a good reason not to listen to the many, many conversations. That’s how it goes, for me at least.
It depends on the group. If I'm not familiar with the people I'm around, I prefer observing until I can get a sense of the dynamics. In a group of friends I know, they've been around me enough individually to understand I might have something of value to contribute to the conversation so I feel comfortable jumping in when we're all together and they are talking non-stop and being loud. It was challenging at first since I am apparently soft-spoken according to most people and when I would say something it would get ignored because they couldn't hear me. Now, they will quiet down if they see my mouth opening, unless ENFP and ENTP are in a heated debate. Then there's no point trying. If the conversation has moved on by the time I'm finished ruminating, I don't attempt to bring it back to life. I just try to think faster the next time.
Oh my. This is me on a regular basis. For me it's half sentences that I abandon part of the way because everyone else has moved on in conversation. Or like you said, I over do it when I finally get the chance. I feel like a freak thinking maybe I just don't "people" well. I am enjoying your video's FJ
I rarely have true conversations any more for the exact reasons you brought up. It infuriates me to get interrupted, especially when I'm giving the other person information they asked for, so when that happens I let my annoyance override my courtesy and walk all over them to finish what I'm saying - it's on them if they don't get it because their big mouths were flapping. In casual conversation I will shut down like a clam or even just walk away if I get repeatedly interrupted, who wants to talk to a rude blabbermouth? Yes, this one hit a nerve, FJ, but you still had me laughing and very happy to know I'm not the only one dealing with this kind of junk. Thanks, have a great day!
My favorite part is when they ask you what you want to say... B/W, zoom out, shrink down. It speaks volumes. I like it when you talk. It would be interesting to include a few more silences. Negative space.
LOL! The black white retreat is so perfect. Too funny. I have to watch this again. I do not have the answer to these questions after all these years. I did acting workshops and performance workshops to catapult myself past my limitations (aimed for the plane ride not just the bus ride) and what I’m saying is you can get to periods where you don’t even think about these things and you just converse or don’t care... but I think we all return to our default position and so the goal is SELF ACCEPTANCE, compassion and self-care. These videos help us do that by helping us to understand “it’s not only me”. There isn’t anything wrong woth you. If you try to “fix” anything just do it for your own comfort and self esteem, not because anything is broken.
Oh my goodness. This is literally so accurate. Hahahahahahaha. I generally tend to split conversations if the group I’m in is 4 or more people because then I can have a conversation I want to. I don’t like small talk or shallowness so if I can tell someone wants to go deeper on something I’ll split off and chat to them about it or if I can’t get a word in or am not interested in the conversation I leave. I’ve also learnt to just jump into the conversation if I feel like what I say is too good not to be shared (which isn’t often but has happened) or chase the person down one on one later if it was in regards to a question or comment they were looking for advice on. This is my number 1 difficulty with mostly ENFP friends though 😅
Me thinking over your conversation Frank, Oo my goodness, totally like with me. Finally someone speaks about this out loud so it's not only me or my illusion. But you know what i think it has something to do with awareness that some people have and don't. I'm i using the right term "awareness", i don't know but some people have this politeness to not leave anyone out of the groups conversation they invite them in or include them in like they have always been there. But this is a rare habit that only few people have or hold. By the way love your chair it has like an old character and Loved the song in the end, seems like your really having fun. Keep up and stay cool as always your far admirer H.L
This made my morning you're hilarious. I used to be really shy and not speak and now that I'm older I find myself aggressively interrupting LMAO I'd always blame it on my Cuban mom lol she speaks loudly and will talk right over me to get her word in so I adapted.. infjs either adapt or get left in the dust lol
Maybe it helps to come from a large family. Perhaps it helps to have a strong Mercury in one's birth chart. It is also possible that I am just not a strong introvert. I may be on the extrovert cusp of my INxJ type. I can find things to talk about with anyone and, as long as I am remotely comfortable or interested, I can find a way to slip myself into most group conversations. Sometimes I will intentionally choose not join in, if the conversation sounds like some bs or if the people annoy me, otherwise I can get in there pretty easily. If I feel understood by the person/group and they seem open to me and real, nothing in life is better to me than a long, deep discussion. People I deem "best friends" are the ones with whom I can talk with like that, with an equal share of talking and listening on each person's part. Maybe what works is understanding that certain people offer certain things and part of the fun of communication is finding that common ground. Hours go by like minutes when having a great talk and learning something interesting with others. It can be a fun adventure. :)
BurgundyandBlue1111 Your eloquent comment resonates 1000% with me so I won't choke up this feed with redundancy. Mastering the art/skill to be a social chameleon takes practice then we can handle any social situation with ease and a sense of fun. We save our juicy convos for our inner circle or that random new person who's a good listener right off the bat.
@BurgundyandBlue1111 Interesting you mention Mercury. I think Mercury, Sun, and Mars placement has an influence on communication. Mars relating to assertiveness. Saturn aspects to Mercury or Sun appear to restrict self expression in younger years. It tends to take more work and then it becomes a strength in later years. One of my friends son's has Saturn conjunct his Sun and he was medically diagnosed with a form of mutism. It was very difficult to get him to say a word when he was younger but now he's talking more as he gets older. I forget his Mercury aspects. I have Pluto in the 3rd House of Communication. Pluto tends to go deep and transform. I had to take speech therapy in grade school. Later, I had jobs answering the phone and speaking over loud speaker. My ENTP friend thinks I have a sexy voice but I don't hear it. I also have Mercury conjunct Jupiter in Pisces in the 8th House (ruled by Pluto/Scorpio). My thoughts go deep and expansive (Jupiter). Both Pluto in 3rd House and Mercury in 8th House are considered to be investigative minds. I also have Mercury square Mars in Gemini so I can be a bit blunt and motor mouth at times. I can go quiet, deep in thought, and investigate etc then at some point I want to explode in conversation with my thoughts. I think my ENTP friend gets the blunt of that as he understands me better than most. Haha. :) He has his Mercury & Venus in Scorpio so we vibe well.
In some cases, you can remember the thing they talked about that bred an awesome idea, and bring that topic up later, and say what you wanted to. Or just wait until it comes up. As an ENFP, I don't often do this, but I have those considerate moments when it comes to my mind, and do it, and it actually works!
FJ, thankyou so much. I just want to thankyou for your videos and your channel. Your videos are giving me so much education about myself as INFJ and so much entrainment. I really need this as I'm struggling in a relationship with an INFJ woman. I love her but it's leading to a slow spiral of INFJ depression which is making me more vocally critical of her. You're teaching me so much. Thankyou dearly, brother
Hands down the best commercial breaks, outros, people, and conversations. 💓 I start to whisper what I want to say when I’m in a group of lively extroverts. It makes people slow down and listen... because it’s a weird thing to do. I only do this with people I’m really close to though. I got the idea after watching Pitch Perfect 😄
Frank James I’ve been wondering... a while back you mentioned that a few subscribers had suggested something for you to try for anxiety. I can’t remember what it was but do remember you mentioned that you were trying it and might make a video. I was curious about whether you feel it helped. I’ve been meaning to ask but also thought it would be challenging to make a whole video about it. I have wondered about INFJs and mental health though. It seems like such a commonality for us to have some sort of anxiety issue. I feel like you’ve probably talked about that before 🤔 Anyway, thank you for your videos! I tried to write a post a while back about how much this community and your videos have helped keep me grounded but I chickened out when it came time to post. When my INFJ thought spirals meet my OCD thought spirals it can get really isolating. So.... I’m grateful. 💓
As an ENTP, I thought of a solution that I would choose all the way through your video up until you said it yourself - if you're surrounded by extroverts, or whom you perceive as extroverts, bulldoze yourself into the conversation. We, extroverts, see it as just fun, so you don't need to be too elaborate on whatever you say even though I understand your need to say something meaningful. That's just not always the objective for extroverts (sad but true). My extroversion is only 54% against 46% introversion (according to 16personalities), so I relate to your tendency to just observe in a conversation because I stick to that sometimes too. It depends on my mood and energy levels.
This totally resonates with me! This is why I prefer smaller groups and I’m rather selective when it comes to who I hang out with...sometimes it’s a relief not to have to carry the conversation, but sometimes it’s nice to be able to get a word in edgewise.
I've been binge watching your videos. I realized I feel like I am having a conversation with you. And it is enjoyable because I am comfortable observing.
Over time I've just learned to recognize when I am in an actual conversation with someone or with someone who just likes the sound of their own voice to know how to respond. It sux but people are people. Sometimes I also think my role is to be supportive. So many people feel unheard. Or not to engage because its time for me to listen and learn. This is also probably why when someone asks for what I think and I can't even respond because no one usually asks me. I guess I gave up the fight long ago and just accept that it is what it is.Thank God for the web!!!! I think most know me more by what I post than what I say IRL. I wish I knew a better solution. Isn't INFJs called the counselor as well? Well, I hope you have a better day and know that we care what you have to say (and would still IRL.).
When I’m sufficiently pissed off, I literally tell people not to interrupt me when I’m talking. But I have to be REALLY mad. Most of the time, I’m marooned like you on the tiniest island in the biggest ocean. Sometimes as well; which is the thing that really gets me, is when people actually ASK you to explain something, then they interrupt... like seriously, what the actual?! Socially though, I do struggle. Sometimes I like being silent and look all mysterious and shit, but when I do actually make an effort, it’s often shut down. People don’t believe me when I say how much this happens to me. As an actor, it may seem counter intuitive as an INFJ, but it gives me a platform where I can actually speak and be listened to. Where I don’t feel powerless and unable to speak, even if they aren’t my words. Also, the fact that I type really long comments probably highlights all the things in my head I need to say and I can type them without interru.. (Lol)
This issue was the bane of my existence when I started teaching, especially because I have a soft voice and teach junior high, where manners apparently don't exist. Now, I'm great at bulldozing and directing conversations in my classroom, but I'm still horrible at it in any other setting. Probably because I can't tell my fellow adults that I'm going to call their mom and give them a detention if they don't start listening to me, hahaha. Love the tree metaphor. In my esteemed professional opinion, this channel does indeed have the best metaphors. Kinda goes along with that "no one I think is in my tree" concept in one of your earlier videos.
I’ve been marooned on mid-conversation island my whole life. I also tend to cut people off so I can get out my thought before I forget it. I even typed this response while you were talking. I think it’s a midwestern thing. Or maybe it’s just something I inherited from my moms family.....the struggle to converse is real.
I've been partnered with researchers and engineers in meetings and I try not to maroon them in conversations. Especially in remote conference meetings, long silences make me uncomfortable. I feel strained and anxious when I'm consciously waiting in silence for everyone to have a chance to make their points before moving to the next subject. It takes continuous practice - but it has paid dividends for me as a project manager. Sometimes I have seen some people stay quiet when a conversation might be dominated by extroverts and then when they do chime in, they have been taking notes about talking points they want to make and we then run through their thoughts.
I can relate to this so much. I realised a few years ago that if there are more than three people in a conversation I'm completely passive and I'll only talk to the people either side of me andnot address the whole group. Three or less and I can talk to everyone, it's weird how it's so specific.
❤😭 Nice to know I am not the only one. Why can't I meet people like us? Why is it so hard to find introverts that are comfortable with who they are... Thanks Frank!
Tears...so many tears from lmao 😂 I love you, you are a true comedian!!! This vid was a “10” I can relate soooo much to this conundrum 🙄 For most of my life, I was the quiet observer ( and cheerleader, like someone else commented!) And I was fine w/ it, but now that I am older & wiser(haha) I am beginning to touch my toe into the waters of “just toughening up & busting my way in” , sometimes. But it never goes well bc the strong extroverts just plow right over me on the other end. Oh well, at least I’m trying to speak now. I LOVED all of the effects in your vid- they were so perfect & hilarious 🤣 I loved the tree metaphor! In my mind I pictured myself up in a tree all by myself, & then seeing everyone else off in another tree 😏 Thank you for making me laugh!
I find it awesome that FJ asked viewers for their input in the comments after a video about being excluded from conversation. Sometimes, it helps people to notice your presence if you give little acknowledgements that you are listening. Maintaining eye contact, nodding, laughing, and using interjections are all good reminders that you are still there.
This video is perfect to watch on christmas eve (I am in Europe and will celebrate with my extended family today. Group. Talking.) I think the best way to be able to interrupt even though you hate it is to think of the other people's kind of uninteresting comments and realize that the quality of the comment does not matter a lot. Sometimes people will love you just for trying. Imagine that you are doing a good deed: failing in dropping cool lines can sometimes be cute and make people feel good about themselves (and they will therefore want you around and involved - haha, so fooled!). Then, you can in turn fool yourself that it is not rude to interrupt. :D Yes, it is a freakishly long thought process to say "man that's awesome", so you might still say it too late.
Thanks for bringing this up! I have a suggestion I hope is helpful to someone somewhere!! This phenomenon was my recurring nightmare in discussions at school UNTIL I started doing the following: I’d observe, as a stereotypical INFJ staying in my comfort zone, then when I noticed someone say something that related to a story or opinion someone else shared earlier, I would interrupt to point out the similarities in their points. I always concluded my comment with, “So it sounds like Person A and Person B have similar opinions/experiences. What do Person C and Person D think about this?” I liked this method because 1) I did get to say something, 2) I didn’t feel as bad interrupting because I showed I’d been listening and invited others to speak, 3) over time everyone in the class started inviting people to talk/asking for the opinions of other people creating a less conversationally competitive atmosphere, 4) I gradually became more comfortable sharing my own opinions (in school and in social situations), and 5) I got credit for the discussion. I completely agree, FJ, it feels weird interrupting at first, but baby steps or strategies can help. This one made it easier for me, personally. And I love this UA-cam format because all people are invited to speak-complete thoughts, no interruptions=such a beautiful thing!
Wow! You just described so many of my conversations. I was uncomfortable listening until I realized, wow this happens to other people, too. Someone will eventually have pity on me and ask me a question. You just have to find people that will listen to what you have to say and appreciate you.
This was such an enjoyable and funny vid FJ. Love the outro song. I felt so nostalgic to hear the AOL. 😀 I felt like posting Eminence Front but no , the flow said Sly and the Family Stone "Everybody is a Star". That flow hitting me back all the time with butterfly wishes. Can't we just follow the butterflies.
Hahaha.. God, I love you so frickin much. Thank you so much for putting this video out there for people like me who know exactly what this is like because we've been experiencing this our entire lives. Thank you for being you, Frank. This fellow INFJ thoroughly enjoys your existence. Much love. ✌❤
I can so relate to this. Extroverts especially ESTs are more like sprinters when it comes to conversation and introverts especially INFJs are more like long distance runners. Our brain processing speeds are running differently. Similar to the rabbit and the turtle scenario. Introverts do take longer to process and it tends to be more deeply. I think INFJs inferior Se plays a big part too. By the time an extrovert takes a breath for another to jump in, another extrovert is jumping in before an introvert can. Its like blinking and you miss it. Introverts do much better on one to one communication or very small groups (2-4 other people). Introverts are more coffee shop people while extroverts are more party type people. If you have a choice, try to arrange for smaller arrangements that work for you better. Many of my jobs involved working one on one with people versus group oriented projects etc. Harder to avoid some group atmospheres such as family reunions etc. Listening isn't all bad. Extroverts appreciate it more than we realize. It just kind of sucks when we have something to say and trying to jump in. Extroverts tend to forget something if they don't say it right away too. They seem to process their thoughts better externally while introverts probably do better processing them internally. Sometimes I will say, "Excuse me, I would like to say something after you finish your thought." Some may be a little put off by that yet they seem to respect you giving them a chance to finish what they have to say and they now recognize you want to say something. It is a bit of trial and error with different people. I play it by ear depending on the individual. If someone tends to interrupt others a lot, I will play their game and do it back with them to get my words in if its important for me to say. If some one listens and doesn't interrupt, I tend to let them finish speaking and try to get my chance in when they have a breathe. I tend to treat others how they treat me to a certain extent. In previous in-law family group dynamics, I tend to let them take the lead and do most of the talking. But when one on one with them, I'm more vocal. If a person has a job involving groups or working with some cause with many people, then they might want to work on developing their assertiveness more in group dynamics, body language etc It may involve reading books and vids on the subject, perhaps counseling, talking wtih other people (ETs and introverts) about suggestions, and practice. In grade school from 2nd-5th grade, I didn't go outside for recess due to health issues then and I'm probably not the best person to understand interjecting in group dynamics. I did a lot of fiction reading during those recess periods and outside school. My natural default mode is as an observer. I think we do better communicating thru writing or by vids. lol @AOL I remember those days. I was taking classes for computer science back then and had dial up at home. My PC education is so outdated. Even then, I knew I would have to be taking classes regularly after graduating to stay updated. At first, I thought great I can keep learning. Then I thought I HAVE to keep learning and then that took the fun out of it. I enjoy computers but more as a hobby than as a career. Loving the outtros! introvertdear.com/news/introverts-words-hard-science/
I also think Enneagram plays a part in this. Many ETs are tritype 378 which is triple assertive. Some EFs may be that tritype too although there tends to be more variation with the EF types such as E2 or E4 in it etc. www.fitzel.ca/enneagram/socstyle.html
You just made me think of so many different crazy and ridiculous conversational moments in my life. Try being in a huge Italian family gathering when everyone has been drinking and you have two sometimes three people talking to you directly at the same time as though they cannot hear the other person(s) talking directly to you or (at you). That's the one I like the best is when two people talk to you at the same time as though the other one is not talking to you and all you have left to do is laugh hysterically because there is no way you can understand either one of them and you are incredulous. Then there is my recent ex boyfriend who spoke not in paragraph form but in page form and if you dare to try to interrupt or wedge your way in he would explain loudly let me finish! He NEVER finished! One favorite evening I was with a friend and her brother. They were doing the talking to me at the same time thing and then her brother picked up a saxophone and played it horribly at my face while she was talking. It reminded me of a Monty Python scene in the Meaning of Life where an elephant headed man and a waiter walked toward the camera slowly feeling as though they were walking into your face. Another hysterical giggly moment that didn't end quickly and turned to belly laughter. Good memories and I didn't have to interrupt anyone to say it. OK I see the advantage of video now too. And now my good friends I talk to will do this thing where we will both say something at the same time, then pause, and one of us will say you go ahead. Then there is a hesitant pause and the one who did not say you go ahead will complete their thought or idea. That is usually just me and my best friend that do that. I think I interrupt her more than she interrupts me to be honest. Anyway I suspect there are all kinds of crazy conversational Dynamics and if you think about it it is probably a disruptive process period and in the first place and all that jazz.
'I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY'!!... so funny!! It can be very frustrating to not be heard, especially as we put so much effort into listening to others. I personally dislike being involved in group conversation unless it's with very close friends, otherwise it's like dying a slow tortuous death..so exhausting that I ache to go home!
FJ, this video is entertainment as pure as it gets for an introvert. I laughed almost as hard as I did two hours ago when I watched Modern Family bloopers. You should get that term trademarked :D
I'm learning to be a queen in my own right. I actually read about this elsewhere. It's called someone dominating you--just in conversation. You know very well they are interrupting you by being rude--I've learned to grow a backbone since the few weeks have passed. I've learned to say "Excuse me, that was very rude--I was in the middle of explaining to my colleague how steam engines work. If you want to listen you are free to--but don't interrupt me again--especially if you're not interested in what I have to say." I get very regal and proper and that asserts my own dominance--they back off REAL quick. :D Then I revert back to my normal goofy self.
Oh my gosh, your videos are awesome!! I love the scene where you boldly insert yourself into the conversation only to realize you have nothing of significance to say resulting in a painfully uncomfortable situation which is emphasized by the frame slowly disappearing into the distance. it is Hilarious!! I will be laughing for days!! Thank you!!
Thanks for making that video! Now I have something to show my extroverted friends with whom I‘ve had that exact same issue!!! They are just talking nonstop and when I finally see a chance to say something (very intelligent of course 😋) they just interrupt me to continue their monologue. So it gets me mad, they call me aggressive... end of any relaxing conversation... it’s a relief to know I’m not the only one struggling with this. 😊 Maybe next time I‘ll throw in a verbal midroll add myself ... 😏
This is a totally relatable subject for me as I have seven siblings, most of whom are loud extroverts. I have learned to condense what I want to say in an attempt to had my two bits. Sometimes I resort to speed talking my shortened version. Even then I can barely finish a sentence. Often I revert to the smile and nod technique.
Yep this happens to me all the time...I laughed so hard when you did the overly aggressive technique, I’ve definitely done that😂 It seems like often I can’t win because if I’m with extroverts, I feel the INFJ fade a lot. But when I’m with introverts, I feel way too much pressure to put out and I panic and can’t even form sentences anymore lol. But yeah I agree, I think we just need to learn to be a little more aggressive to get in what we want to say.
It's not introverts-extroverts thing, in my opinion. It's Infj thing. Hating being interrupted and having struggles to focus on the present moment. I can spot that flaw because Se is my tertiary function. It's the same with my Ti and Infjs. I can tell they percieve me as ,,all over the place" sometimes. Thoughts that I am presenting are not always structured and collected. Avoid Se doms somehow 😆
I Dont think it's necessarily an I vs E thing. False dichotomy most likely. My family members interrupt horribly and talk over eachother, and some are introverts. If we are polite, and have a hard time being present as it is, what's stopping us from retreating into our minds? It gets frustrating to keep trying. Like playing a game of really fast double Dutch jump rope and desperately trying to make a graceful entry.
FJ: You, sir, are a RIOT! Thank you - you have the knack of making me laugh at things about myself and problems I run into, living on the ISS INFJ. Booyah.
I've only recently discovered that I am an introvert. Based on a personality test I am an INFJ. I don't know how accurate that is since I keep hearing and reading about mistyping personalities. It's refreshing to have come across someone who I feel has a more relatable outlook in life than the people I interact with daily. I just want to say thank you for the content you upload. Keep up the great work!
I really hear what you are saying. I only mastered this once i had children. I too am INFJ and painfully sensitive but with 2 rowdy toddlers learned to shout in crowded rooms, take charge and steer like an extrovert. Im psychic and having children woke up different spirit guides...grandmother spirits who didnt respect appropriateness but instead guided me with ' in the moment meaning and honesty'. Strange comment on your video I know but my truth. X
YES! Thank you for explaining this and letting me know I’m not the only one. You’re a 30 yr old Euro American man from ...? and I’m a 50 yr old Carib American woman from Manhattan - and we deal with the exact same internal and situational conflict. Fascinating.
Excuse me for interrupting but I have something to say! From my perspective, this is the best video of yours that I have seen. I am 63 years old and this has been happening to me my entire life. I have gotten to the point where I basically just listen to the conversations around me or on the rare occasion someone throws me a crumb, I take it and share what I have to say. Thank you for this. I am not alone!!!
That was pretty funny. I mean, I can tell you wouldn't have that issue (as much) now with putting your own viewpoint into a conversation. At least you come across much more self-assured now than then. But the cinematography of this video as well as the scenario of waiting to speak on a topic in a convo and then missing the chance because it has taken a turn is so relatable. I was laughing most of the time. And the end song was perfect! 😄😊👍✌️
Wow this video describes my brain and how I function, think and feel to a tee. "trying to keep a bookmark in your head of where the conversation was so that when you finally have a turn to speak you can flip back the pages and be like wait what about this that we were just talking about" "when you are presented with some kind of idea you just want to keep drilling down into it and you wanna explore the idea and concept fully the subject at hand but alot of other people don't have that same interest." "of course when it becomes your turn to speak, by that time they've taken the conversation down a path where I'm like lost, I dunno what to say now. I knew what to say 30 minutes ago" Haha Exactly. And great metaphors you used to to perfectly explain everything here too. Personally for me I feel that with many, conversation can be so fast paced and on a shallow level like you said which results in me being silent most of the time which can be discouraging because I will want to add my 2 cents or share some insight that comes up in a moment but like you said the conversation can quickly change to where what you want to say almost becomes irrelevant at that point to this person it feels, then there is also that desire and need to think deeply and process the things being said before you share something but the topics are changing way too fast. I don't like interupting people either, I don't like being or coming across as rude and I'm usually not, I'm so patient that i will sit there in silence and listen to someone speak for ages but when I notice that a person is being rude by taking advantage of my patience and being inconsiderate by not even letting me get a word in it can eventually make me feel frustrated to the point where I will start butting in or I will just check out and lose interest in a conversation all together if they make me feel like they want me to hear everything they want to say but don't want to reciprocate that. Something that bugs me so much is when I can be patient listening to a person speak for ages without butting in and when I finally get the chance to actually talk they cant have the same patience in return and actually let me speak my mind for as long as I need too without butting in but yet they will get angry when I but in, when I will most of the time only do that because they never stop talking so it's like my only option if I actually want to have a turn to speak.
FJ: *makes a video about introverts for introverts*
FJ: “share this video with all your friends!”
bruh.
🤣
feelsbadman
Amber V 😂😂😂
😂😂😂
Amber V 😂😂😂😂
Only meet your extrovert friends in an environment where they’re eating or drinking (preferably somewhere good with large portions so they have their mouth full most of the time). Then it’s simply a case of waiting it out until they take a bite of their meal or a slurp of their drink. That 0.1 of a millisecond is all you need!
lol good plan
Smart move!
That is genius! Maybe that's subconsciously why I always go for a meal on my birthday! I am seriously going to implement this more!
This made me cry with laughter. I can relate to this as I'm sure many can. Thank you.
You just explained the reason why I hate hunging out with groups, it's always the loudest and often the dumbest one who dominant the conversation,
and the rest are basically fighting to be heard.
I found the solution is to hung out with people individually.
Mjnoon 360 ‘an empty barrel makes the most noise’
Can’t be more applicable
I agree. In groups useally feel like noone really wants to hear what the others REALLY think, it's almost like a pissing match, who has the best come back or has a better story or better answer. In groups I'm always the quite one OR the last to speak. I hate when after a while someone realizes you haven't contributed to the group conversation and stops everyone and asks you what your thinking. The worst.
@@shellr3872 lol, that's bad to ask someone their opinion when they haven't talked in group?
Becouse I usually try to make everyone say their opinion. (In school, group works).
(I'm introvert).
@@mleah7409 yes, because nobody likes to put on the spot, some people perfer to listen.
I flourish in one-on-one conversations, but I’m catapulted out as soon as a third person joins the group. 😔
My life, every day!! ...and then people wonder why I'm so "quiet" all the time. 😂
Same
It’s taken me nearly 48 years but I think I have found my people.
55 years for me!
Ive been complaining about 35 years. Bless your patience!!
40 years for me...but I’d like to find you all somewhere other than just online.
for me it was 35 years before I realized that I was in a completely wrong film. Now I'm 41 and finally having a small group of real friends around me
Goddess Andraste - still looking...but hopeful. Congratulations
Man, it really salts my apples when someone, mid group, asks, "what do you think?" after hours of them glazing over my multiple attempts of TRYINGTOTELLTHEM... I think to myself, "FINALLY, this is my one shot, one opportunity to make a difference!“ but now they're talking about potatoes, not potatas and I end up feeling like a real dummy head no matter what I say or do not say...
I wish it were always appropriate to raise one's hand to talk. Even so, I'd probably be last to be called because the others hands were louder and more shiny than mine.
Word
I have actually caught myself raising my hand.
You know, maybe that's the solution. It's not normal to raise your hand, which means people will notice if you do! Oh, my God, you're a genius! When quarantine ends, I'm totally going to test this out.
I like to read all comments on your videos , they are just as a brainstorming session . That is why Infjs are highily intelligent . They like talking till depth , & nobody is patient to hear our depth & different perspectives we hold to a certain subject. We need someone to stay in tune with us & we hardly find them .
omg, that fading into the background dramatization was spot on. i literally lol'd and nearly spit out my tea. unfortunately, i don't have any advice, since my approach has become the aggressive interruption. :-/
retrogradepink it cracked me up. I think he even dialed up the chair shifting noises 🤣
👍🏼😘 I could listen to you forever. I would never interrupt you. 😀
Just do the nodding thing lol
This is why I try to avoid group conversations lol. I've grown tired of the feelings that accompany being marooned. Also, you got a good chuckle outta me when you said that about extroverts tiring themselves out. Those silly extroverts.
Two portraits of family conversations - then, My Coping Mechanisms for this phenomenon:
First, dinner with my dad. My dad doesn't visit often. He's an intense conversationalist, I think because he spends a lot of time to himself. Our phone conversations are often longer than an hour. During this dinner, my dad asks me a huge question - "What is the job of a conductor in a musical group?"
So I answer - In the moment conductors use body language to show how they want music played, if it doesn't work they tell a group how they want music played. They select music that fits the group. They listen to how the group sounds and plan what to do for the next rehearsal and the next cycle.
And I spent like 5 minutes talking - my dad let me explain fully what a conductor does. It felt weird.
Second, any holiday with any number of my husband's relatives. My mother in law confuses me. She asks me a question and doesn't wait for me to get to the answer. Did you want to know or not? It's almost expected in that family that people interrupt. So I just sit and nod my head and actively listen and drink wine.
My solution? Know the audience. In those in-law situations I keep it shallow and don't emotionally invest too much. My family will go further in depth and (usually) allow me the space to fully explain myself. My work friends and life friends understand my rhythm. They will give me space and offer their detailed input, and I do the same for them.
Usually I don't hang out with people who interrupt me. But if I'm with an individual who does (sometimes my husband), I'll let them say their piece, acknowledge what they said and then politely segue back to the point I was making. And I'll be a model, too, if I interrupt someone (which I do if I get excited), I'll finish by saying, "Wait, I interrupted you, what were you going to say about ---?"
Stephanie Douglass solid advice
That's so true! If you keep in mind the style/dynamic of the people you're with then it's much less hurtful/frustrating. Such good advice 🙂
I come from a family of polite but chatty introverts and had to adjust my expectations with my ex-partner's family who are more naturally extroverted 😅 I generally took on the quiet listener role and was also confused if I was asked the same question more than once. In my family there's virtually no repetition because it hurts our heads 😅
My ex's thinking style means that he needs to get to the end of his thought/speech without being interrupted so I trained myself to interrupt as little as possible. With other people I fear I may be an enthusiastic interrupter at times but, like you, I try to keep it in check and/or apologise.
Yeah it is really good advice. Switch it up depending on the homies you are dealing with. See this is one of the things I love about being here, all these beautiful minded and insightful individuals that can express so well what is inside. I find it hard to express so it is such a joy to watch and read and be like 'yes! exactly that!'.
My family is full of loud people that talk over each other, every Christmas and whatever gathering was a beautiful chaotic nightmare. I had to learn from early on that I needed to just interrupt them if I wanted to say something, and yes I know it is rude (but they don't shut up). It became a habit so now I'm working on toning it down, because often I feel like finishing what people are trying to tell me so we get to the point faster and then I can make my own, haha. I do it with love tho! But I promise I will keep trying =}
As for my ex, well his family were very polite people. I mean they were lively but everybody was given a chance to participate. It was a really nice environment. Quite the contrast from what I was accustomed to.
Maria Behar You express yourself beautifully 🙂 I've found a great deal of compassion, clarity and insight here too. It's amazing to have a gathering of people who want to help each other to a better understanding of how our minds all work, eccentricities and all ❤
It's interesting that you had the opposite experience to me - the more chaotic family life (which sounds like it was full of love) and then the unusual peace/quiet with your ex's family. I can understand why that was lovely for you but also feel like I could do with being trained up by you to be better at joining in/interjecting with groups of extroverts 😅
Georgina Leeson
Thank you for your beautiful words :) I'll gladly show you the ways of how to navigate the extrovert infested waters. Us introverts and ladies have to stick together! :)
"God help you if you're stuck with a bunch of extroverts..." 😂😂😂
PS loved the outro!
🤣 you kill me! Nailed it as always!! And I politely waited until you were done speaking to comment 🙄 I have always been the silent lurker in group settings. There rarely is anything worth my adding or more likely, I don't like the people enough to contribute anything of value. I'm usually a passive participant. If someone wants to talk to me, I will talk but usually I just listen and I'm fine with that.
Karin Reck
I swear we infjs would make a great spies!
Mjnoon 360 lol true😉 but I'm an intj not fj.
I find when I do open up in a group setting, I suddenly realize all eyes are on me and I feel like people are not really listening, only judging. Then I get super awkward....I studder, my words come out all dyslexic or I feel like I'm just rambling. Liked the dial up sound effect for an introverts brain. Perfect! LoL. Really appreciate all you do FJ. :)
I've been raising my hand since kindergarten... Only thing that works for me. People laugh but, it works
I'm in awe that you're making new outro music on top of producing a video a day. That's a crazy creative challenge! 😅
Thank you for making me laugh so much today. I just told my Dad your videos are keeping me sane in exceptionally strange times.
My first step for having a good conversation? Hang out with introverts 😅 Or intuitive extroverts 🙂
I tend to do what you suggest and only contribute when I have something half decent to say. That usually works out because of our good listening skills. Truthfully, I'm more likely to quietly split one person away from the group conversationally and have a one-on-chat with half an ear on the general conversation. That may be rude but that's how I've adapted, I guess. I'm adept at faking social confidence and doing small talk. I enjoy meeting new people. The toughest thing for me is a group of friends that I know well, which can lead to the isolated/frustrated feeling that you're talking about.
Yes to being too polite! I can override it when necessary, though. (I have to be really pushed 😅)
I'm so glad that you're expressing yourself through UA-cam. You have so much to say! It makes me sad to think that your IRL people don't get to see your brilliant and very entertaining mind flying free.
Yes! Intuitive extroverts...I feel like they find me. :) Those are the people I like. The ones who find me and want to listen.
I hang out with a lot of older, retired people who play music. They usually don't interrupt. ;)
Stephanie Douglass It's the perfect balance, isn't it? 🙂 My favourite intuitive extroverts are a writer and a musician and both are amazing conversationalists (generous, funny and good listeners.) There seems to be a naturally considerate flow of conversation. They also encourage me to be a bit more adventurous.
I love the fact that you have older musician friends 🙂 I've been told that I'm 'age blind' in terms of who I can connect with. I actually wonder if that's a common INFJ trait as we see the soul/essence of the person more strongly than the external 'facts'? 🌻❤
Hey, I never thought about splitting up the conversation! That's a pretty decent solution. And it would be even better if they were an extrovert because they might cause the other people to listen, too!
My life. I totally follow the "make it count" strategy.
I don't worry about being on the island anymore. What drives me crazy are the times when someone turns to me and asks me a question, which I start to answer--and then, they move on. But then, I just row my little conversation canoe back to my island and continue being "a good listener."
“That’s why I love UA-cam - you can’t interrupt me!” 😂🤣 The truth comes out!
🏆🏆Best Metaphors and UA-cam Titles 2018🏆🏆👏🏼👏🏼
Bulldozing might be the only way to carry on a conversation with extroverts. It’s exhausting and I end up feeling dumber after the conversation is over. I still love extroverts, though! 💜 They remind me to not take things so seriously. Introverts and extroverts need each other!
ua-cam.com/video/LQCU36pkH7c/v-deo.html
This is how it feels sometimes...
Some extraverts can be trained. I trained my husband. ;)
end every conversation with "well I think we're all a little bit dumber after that talk..."
Stephanie Douglass Good point! Lol. That’s funny. I like to think I’ve trained my husband, too. He knows when I give the death stare 🔥🔥👀👀 that things have gone too far. Maybe we all sort of train each other in a way? My husband has taught me the importance of not letting things get to me and to continue to push for whatever it is I want in life. He is an ESTP/enneagram 8. Honestly, he and I are like Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton sometimes. Our friends don’t understand how we even got together. We both drive each other nuts.
@Frank - you really could end every conversation like that with a group of extroverts! What’s funny is I think they actually like it. They need that constant stimulation from outside sources. And, from what I’ve observed anyway, they’re pretty good about letting things go and not taking comments too personally. I can’t keep up with them for very long, though. Haha. I don’t know about you all. It’s almost like a tennis match. You have to constantly be ready to fire back with something or they’ll leave ya in the dust. 🏃♂️💨
Do ya guys really think extroverts are dumb/vapid? You must know some exceptions, no?
4:17 Best Metaphor Award, 2003 🏆👏🏻💐
Best Commercial Breaks 📺
Best Makeup Tutorials ever, man.💄
People regurgitate their knowledge and we don't listen ENOUGH. My problem is that I can't remember what I was going to say at the end of the conversation because the topics change so much before I can get a word or two in. I've raised my hand before and it shut everyone up...lol Love your channel !
Sorry, but I've never seen the that movie !
Haha! I've done that before, too! It's very effective.
I do that too if I know the people well enough. My extroverted husband and best friend get talking, and I put my hand up that’s my signal for them to shut up because I have something to say! They usually think it’s funny.
I useally just put my hand up in front of me, and say something like, "Hold up a minute, I've got sonething to say, or I have a thought, or I have a question." Oh, and I always say "Sorry to interrupt, but...", IF they don't know me. Is this rude? I hobestly don't know, I've had a couple of people say it's rude, but I felt like thoes people were assholes, trying to make me feel bad for speaking up entirely. I feel like, if your haveing a conversation with me then you obviously want me to talk back, and if you don't, then why am I waisting my time? IDK as you can tell this topic has been a real issue for me in my life. So glad we're discussing this.
Shell R Some people aren't interested in the other side, they just need to say everything they can about the thing they're talking about. It's not the most conversation to have. But it's necessary sometimes for the speaker.
Lmao...that AOL dial up though. I’ve been in several situations where I’m stuck listening to a bunch of extroverts...screaming on the inside cause I can’t get a word in...and then they ask, “are you ok, why are you so quiet?” Really dude, really? Lmao...I totally get this...even the part where you get to speak up and people might think you were mad. I think the way I try to go about it is to judge when the person is going to stop talking and jump in with a few thoughts. Let’s face it, unless you’re with the people who pretty much get you, you can’t really go too deep into a topic, unfortunately :\ Cool outro btw...loved this vlog...it made me laugh and have all these entertaining mental pictures lol. Have a good one, FJ! :)
Oh man, the "Why are you so quiet?" question. Um, because I didn't want to be rude and interrupt. :D
Stephanie Douglass lol exactly! :D
Lol, your so right about the question, "you Okay? You've been quite."
Shell R lol, I get that question all the time when I hang out with a group of people. (Insert eye roll) :)
This happens to me every single day and I'm an INTJ
Love your outros dude. Your tunes rock ✌
This has to be one of your funniest videos. I’m dying over here 😂😂 And now every time I get conversationally marooned I envisage myself shrinking off into the distance (waving goodbye to the ship 🚢👋🏽)
I do not have this problem. All the folks in my life enjoy talking and sharing with everyone. We all have a flow in our conversations and our talks. You should hear the noise! It is wonderful. Such joy! There are times one cannot help but laugh at the chaos. We have been together for years. It is natural with us. No competition....just the energy, the laughter and the sound that comes from our love for each other. I can say I have never encountered this with our gathering. I feel our respect and joy and connection to our years together. Family...children...grandchildren...old friends...new friends ...new additions. It has been a lovely life. Love...growing. It is nice.
I am an INFJ and also a middle child....so yes I do interrupt out of pure excitement or fear of being ignored at times but I giggle, apologize and step back and wait for my turn when I do interrupt... especially if it’s a topic I am passionate about ppl will hear what I have to say. I have noticed I am getting better at not interrupting family and finding a place to speak and add another dimension to the conversation, an unexplored idea/metaphor, and also a joke or a cheesy pun to make myself and my family laugh.
I really enjoy your sense of humor!!! Especially when you zoomed out and said “what you really needed to say” LOL
How do you always know exactly what video I need the most hahaha
It's almost scary sometimes
If I could like this video a hundred times to emphasise how much I relate I would! Totally loving the new outro songs
8:30 is a great acting. This is my solution sometimes when I feel I'm being ignored and I get frustrated.
Most of the time I just let people talk unless we ask for my opinion which I'll express carefully. If I'm close to the people I'm talking to then I'll dare interrupt them because I don't mind the possibility of making a fool of myself in front of them and I know they won't get upset #compassionatefriends
People are more open than we might think sometimes.
I can't believe this only has 1.5k likes. This is hilarious and commiseratively relatable. We suffer together, INFJs.
Came across your channel a couple weeks ago and have been laughing and relating to everything. Decided to watch all your videos from first to last, and this particular one described me word for word, exactly how I feel!
-Fellow INFJ
Literal story of my life lol... with a super talkative sibling. My parents always had to interrupt so they could finally hear my voice too sometimes.
Developing quick thinking is very helpful, and I think I'm getting better at handling the situation in a not exclusively observing way (and one day I might won't need to come back and edit my comments). Also, nonverbally showing that what you hear is not neutral for you. They will see that it moved something in you and might ask your opinion or wait for your response.
Réka Lévai Hello! I’m that really talkative sibling 😅. Actually I have two sisters , and both are introverts ( so you can imagine the amount of pushing them out of their comfort zones I’ve done) .. Anyways, as I’ve gotten older I’ve tried to be more aware of my siblings, and friends who tend to mull things over during conversation, either by waiting for their response, or asking them what they are thinking etc...I love how you all think deeply and bring depth to a conversation! Patience on an extroverts end is the key!
Sam Ira Hey there! Your efforts are highly appreciated. Our situation got also easier as we grew older.
I'm totally fine just being an observer. Especially in family settings, I just smile (I think) and nod, taking in what everyone is saying. My husband, however, said exactly as you have, that he often feels that he can't jump into a conversation because it's moved on before he can contribute something. I'm way past caring about that. Any truly close friends of mine I tend to contact via WhatsApp only, so no interruptions there, and family members I prefer conversations one-on-one. In a group it's just not happening so I let them all interact with each other while I busy myself cleaning up after the kids or serving the meal etc.
When you’re spending an entire day with a good friend and this happens. It’s so great because you can literally go half the day and then come back to the conversation that you had that morning
Oh Frank, your outros warm my heart. They're so silly and fun, and make me wish they were longer.
Aw man, it makes me sad when that happens. Happens to me around ppl more extroverted than myself, but then sometimes I'm the bad guy, particularly when I'm with an Infj. You guys are such good listeners. In fact, I've never met better listeners.
Sometimes my Ne monopolizes a convo, and runs off in 100 tangential directions, or interrupts out of sheer excitement for an idea. It just doesn't wanna chill out once I get started.
It's a privilege when an introvert is using his/her energy to share thoughts with another. And infjs have such a wealth of insight to impart. I don't think extroverts appreciate the effort that goes into that communication enough, but we sure don't mean to be jerks.
IM A MONSTER!
Lol Sorry babes, on behalf of all the dominating pooheads :p Your guys' ideas are just as important as ours! (emphasis!!!!) ***** I'mma be a better listener now I promise.
Just realized that your vids give me a window, maybe, into the richness I'm missing out on because of my rambles and interrupting. Is this the kind of magic that happens when you actually let an Infj talk?????!!! Madness!!! I have an infj friend who is like a brother to me. I love him dearly, but I swear I don't know half of what I could know about him because he's so quiet and I have idea diarrhea. No cures yet discovered. :(
All extroverts should watch this. For some, this is a Revelation.
#letyourintrovertstalkmovement2018
Infinite sorrys and thank yous from Canada. #1 polite nation. XD
And as always, FJ, you are way too adorable. STAHP PLEASE!!!!DX
P. S. I paused this video to comment before it was finished.
Love you!
i can't believe you interrupted my video to post a comment :0
:'( Sorries. It was almost done. That was the last time I swear! XD
I laughed all the way through this, because this is sooo true. I'm also a very Empathic listener, and pretty animated with my facial expressions, which I don't know if helps me or gives the other person permission to keep going. But like you my brain is always going, going, going, in processing mode. And the bit about how once you've formed your thought or opinion, the other person is already way down the road, so I always find myself trying to back up the conversation, OMG, made me laugh, I guess it was one of thoes things that I thought was only happening to me. I've learned over the years to be aggressive and butting into the conversation because if I don't I'm afraid I will forget what I was wanting to say, but I ALWAYS feel anxious for being rude after the conversation, when I go back over it in my head later, lol. I've been told that I can be abrupt and too straightforward and it shocks people or puts them off, because I am such an introvert, And always kinda hurts my feelings when that happens, because I never mean it in a bad way. I will useally try to forwarn the person if they do not know me, that I can be straight forward and tell it like I see it, so they wont be offended and take me the wrong way. I find that, that helps some. Oh and the thing about talking with extroverts, lol, I was thinking about my friends over the years and realized that about 90% of my friends are Extroverts, almost every single one, except for a couple introverts, but mostly I attract Extroverts, or are there just more Extroverts out there???
Loved this video! Love this conversation! Thanks for bringing it up and putting it out there, now I know it's not just me, lol. Oh and thanks for the laugh.😁❣
Hello FJ, your vids brighten my day! You are my sunshine, baby!
Since I'm an INFJ, who's far from having mastered the conversational skills , I constantly feel marooned when talking to people , if there are more than two of us.
I totally dig the tree metaphor, cuz I'm that monkey that jumps all branches and lands on the top of the tree crown to have that beautiful wide view. Which makes me ponder... am I the one marooned? Or maybe I actually maroon other monkeys, who decide to stay in the first branch and then switch their attention to other trees? Hmm...
All I know is that conversations with other introverts or ambiverts or some feeling, intuitive extraverts are the deepest for me and I feel like we speaks the same soul language. Plus they are balanced, nobody feels abandoned.
The toughest for me is a talk with a bunch of extraverts. Trying to participate actively stresses me out so bad, that I usually go full radar mode and just observe. I hardly send any signal out, so their radars won't pick anything from me (one of your earlier metaphors- a great one!) .They even turn their backs on me and I just wanna disappear. It feels awful. And yes, when I'm ready to say something interesting, impactful, they are already like three trees away from me! So why would I even bother ^^
I know the feeling friend. It makes things that much more satisfying when you can find a person who really listens. 💛
I just wanted to say Hello from the top of my avocado tree. ./waves
Anise
thank you, hun! FJ Family rocks our lives! And our trees ^^
Stephanie Douglass
Totally, right? 😉 Hugs!
Maria Behar
oh thank you, I'm waving back to you ;)
enjoying your tree? I love avocados ...
Can totally relate. And for people that don't have a UA-cam channel to get all their thoughts out, that's the great thing about email, and texting. You can get everything out (if you actually remember to put everything you were thinking to say) without being interupted... but then it has to actually be read, and sometimes that doesn't happen, so you're still not heard. And then sometimes they do read it, but don t respond.
Love these videos, FJ! It's amazing how you seem to crawl into my mind effortlessly...
OMG! That was hilarious!! 😂 Literally tears in my eyes laughing!! What happens to me is I kinda give up and drift off and am somewhere in lala land or something and they suddenly pull me back in and say, “So what do YOU think?” And I snap out of my dream world and say, “I don’t know... “ Lol. Then they ask why I’m not paying attention and I was so stupidly honest and said, “...because it’s tiring to listen to everyone talking.” This happened to me a lot when I was in France, when I was still married. The French are loud and talk forever and all over each other. Needless to say, I wasn’t very popular with the in-laws. Lol I just usually retreat and end up getting a migraine for a few days. At least I have a good reason not to listen to the many, many conversations. That’s how it goes, for me at least.
It depends on the group. If I'm not familiar with the people I'm around, I prefer observing until I can get a sense of the dynamics.
In a group of friends I know, they've been around me enough individually to understand I might have something of value to contribute to the conversation so I feel comfortable jumping in when we're all together and they are talking non-stop and being loud.
It was challenging at first since I am apparently soft-spoken according to most people and when I would say something it would get ignored because they couldn't hear me. Now, they will quiet down if they see my mouth opening, unless ENFP and ENTP are in a heated debate. Then there's no point trying. If the conversation has moved on by the time I'm finished ruminating, I don't attempt to bring it back to life. I just try to think faster the next time.
Oh my. This is me on a regular basis. For me it's half sentences that I abandon part of the way because everyone else has moved on in conversation. Or like you said, I over do it when I finally get the chance.
I feel like a freak thinking maybe I just don't "people" well.
I am enjoying your video's FJ
I rarely have true conversations any more for the exact reasons you brought up. It infuriates me to get interrupted, especially when I'm giving the other person information they asked for, so when that happens I let my annoyance override my courtesy and walk all over them to finish what I'm saying - it's on them if they don't get it because their big mouths were flapping. In casual conversation I will shut down like a clam or even just walk away if I get repeatedly interrupted, who wants to talk to a rude blabbermouth? Yes, this one hit a nerve, FJ, but you still had me laughing and very happy to know I'm not the only one dealing with this kind of junk. Thanks, have a great day!
My favorite part is when they ask you what you want to say... B/W, zoom out, shrink down. It speaks volumes. I like it when you talk. It would be interesting to include a few more silences.
Negative space.
LOL! The black white retreat is so perfect. Too funny. I have to watch this again. I do not have the answer to these questions after all these years. I did acting workshops and performance workshops to catapult myself past my limitations (aimed for the plane ride not just the bus ride) and what I’m saying is you can get to periods where you don’t even think about these things and you just converse or don’t care... but I think we all return to our default position and so the goal is SELF ACCEPTANCE, compassion and self-care. These videos help us do that by helping us to understand “it’s not only me”. There isn’t anything wrong woth you. If you try to “fix” anything just do it for your own comfort and self esteem, not because anything is broken.
"when you resurface", sums it up...
Oh my goodness. This is literally so accurate. Hahahahahahaha.
I generally tend to split conversations if the group I’m in is 4 or more people because then I can have a conversation I want to. I don’t like small talk or shallowness so if I can tell someone wants to go deeper on something I’ll split off and chat to them about it or if I can’t get a word in or am not interested in the conversation I leave. I’ve also learnt to just jump into the conversation if I feel like what I say is too good not to be shared (which isn’t often but has happened) or chase the person down one on one later if it was in regards to a question or comment they were looking for advice on.
This is my number 1 difficulty with mostly ENFP friends though 😅
Me thinking over your conversation Frank, Oo my goodness, totally like with me. Finally someone speaks about this out loud so it's not only me or my illusion. But you know what i think it has something to do with awareness that some people have and don't. I'm i using the right term "awareness", i don't know but some people have this politeness to not leave anyone out of the groups conversation they invite them in or include them in like they have always been there. But this is a rare habit that only few people have or hold.
By the way love your chair it has like an old character and Loved the song in the end, seems like your really having fun. Keep up and stay cool as always your far admirer H.L
The internet hasn’t made me laugh this hard in forever. Funny cuz it’s true.
Editing-wise, I think this is the BEST video among your old ones.
This made my morning you're hilarious. I used to be really shy and not speak and now that I'm older I find myself aggressively interrupting LMAO I'd always blame it on my Cuban mom lol she speaks loudly and will talk right over me to get her word in so I adapted.. infjs either adapt or get left in the dust lol
Maybe it helps to come from a large family. Perhaps it helps to have a strong Mercury in one's birth chart. It is also possible that I am just not a strong introvert. I may be on the extrovert cusp of my INxJ type.
I can find things to talk about with anyone and, as long as I am remotely comfortable or interested, I can find a way to slip myself into most group conversations. Sometimes I will intentionally choose not join in, if the conversation sounds like some bs or if the people annoy me, otherwise I can get in there pretty easily.
If I feel understood by the person/group and they seem open to me and real, nothing in life is better to me than a long, deep discussion. People I deem "best friends" are the ones with whom I can talk with like that, with an equal share of talking and listening on each person's part.
Maybe what works is understanding that certain people offer certain things and part of the fun of communication is finding that common ground. Hours go by like minutes when having a great talk and learning something interesting with others. It can be a fun adventure. :)
BurgundyandBlue1111 Your eloquent comment resonates 1000% with me so I won't choke up this feed with redundancy. Mastering the art/skill to be a social chameleon takes practice then we can handle any social situation with ease and a sense of fun. We save our juicy convos for our inner circle or that random new person who's a good listener right off the bat.
@BurgundyandBlue1111 Interesting you mention Mercury. I think Mercury, Sun, and Mars placement has an influence on communication. Mars relating to assertiveness. Saturn aspects to Mercury or Sun appear to restrict self expression in younger years. It tends to take more work and then it becomes a strength in later years. One of my friends son's has Saturn conjunct his Sun and he was medically diagnosed with a form of mutism. It was very difficult to get him to say a word when he was younger but now he's talking more as he gets older. I forget his Mercury aspects. I have Pluto in the 3rd House of Communication. Pluto tends to go deep and transform. I had to take speech therapy in grade school. Later, I had jobs answering the phone and speaking over loud speaker. My ENTP friend thinks I have a sexy voice but I don't hear it. I also have Mercury conjunct Jupiter in Pisces in the 8th House (ruled by Pluto/Scorpio). My thoughts go deep and expansive (Jupiter). Both Pluto in 3rd House and Mercury in 8th House are considered to be investigative minds. I also have Mercury square Mars in Gemini so I can be a bit blunt and motor mouth at times. I can go quiet, deep in thought, and investigate etc then at some point I want to explode in conversation with my thoughts. I think my ENTP friend gets the blunt of that as he understands me better than most. Haha. :) He has his Mercury & Venus in Scorpio so we vibe well.
In some cases, you can remember the thing they talked about that bred an awesome idea, and bring that topic up later, and say what you wanted to. Or just wait until it comes up. As an ENFP, I don't often do this, but I have those considerate moments when it comes to my mind, and do it, and it actually works!
FJ, thankyou so much. I just want to thankyou for your videos and your channel. Your videos are giving me so much education about myself as INFJ and so much entrainment. I really need this as I'm struggling in a relationship with an INFJ woman. I love her but it's leading to a slow spiral of INFJ depression which is making me more vocally critical of her. You're teaching me so much. Thankyou dearly, brother
Hands down the best commercial breaks, outros, people, and conversations. 💓
I start to whisper what I want to say when I’m in a group of lively extroverts. It makes people slow down and listen... because it’s a weird thing to do. I only do this with people I’m really close to though. I got the idea after watching Pitch Perfect 😄
thanks, Veronica :)
Frank James I’ve been wondering... a while back you mentioned that a few subscribers had suggested something for you to try for anxiety. I can’t remember what it was but do remember you mentioned that you were trying it and might make a video. I was curious about whether you feel it helped. I’ve been meaning to ask but also thought it would be challenging to make a whole video about it. I have wondered about INFJs and mental health though. It seems like such a commonality for us to have some sort of anxiety issue. I feel like you’ve probably talked about that before 🤔 Anyway, thank you for your videos! I tried to write a post a while back about how much this community and your videos have helped keep me grounded but I chickened out when it came time to post. When my INFJ thought spirals meet my OCD thought spirals it can get really isolating. So.... I’m grateful. 💓
As an ENTP, I thought of a solution that I would choose all the way through your video up until you said it yourself - if you're surrounded by extroverts, or whom you perceive as extroverts, bulldoze yourself into the conversation. We, extroverts, see it as just fun, so you don't need to be too elaborate on whatever you say even though I understand your need to say something meaningful. That's just not always the objective for extroverts (sad but true). My extroversion is only 54% against 46% introversion (according to 16personalities), so I relate to your tendency to just observe in a conversation because I stick to that sometimes too. It depends on my mood and energy levels.
This totally resonates with me! This is why I prefer smaller groups and I’m rather selective when it comes to who I hang out with...sometimes it’s a relief not to have to carry the conversation, but sometimes it’s nice to be able to get a word in edgewise.
So accurate. Thank you. I've gone thru this all my life, even as a child. Good to know I'm not alone in this.
I've been binge watching your videos. I realized I feel like I am having a conversation with you. And it is enjoyable because I am comfortable observing.
I love your ads^^
Here in Austria your vid starts with "This is Amanda- the Panda" and your mid ad is Gisela the Giraffe ; D
last of the wilds Austria is so cool!! I really want to go to Vienna
Over time I've just learned to recognize when I am in an actual conversation with someone or with someone who just likes the sound of their own voice to know how to respond. It sux but people are people. Sometimes I also think my role is to be supportive. So many people feel unheard. Or not to engage because its time for me to listen and learn. This is also probably why when someone asks for what I think and I can't even respond because no one usually asks me. I guess I gave up the fight long ago and just accept that it is what it is.Thank God for the web!!!! I think most know me more by what I post than what I say IRL. I wish I knew a better solution. Isn't INFJs called the counselor as well? Well, I hope you have a better day and know that we care what you have to say (and would still IRL.).
Well put.
When I’m sufficiently pissed off, I literally tell people not to interrupt me when I’m talking. But I have to be REALLY mad. Most of the time, I’m marooned like you on the tiniest island in the biggest ocean.
Sometimes as well; which is the thing that really gets me, is when people actually ASK you to explain something, then they interrupt... like seriously, what the actual?!
Socially though, I do struggle. Sometimes I like being silent and look all mysterious and shit, but when I do actually make an effort, it’s often shut down. People don’t believe me when I say how much this happens to me.
As an actor, it may seem counter intuitive as an INFJ, but it gives me a platform where I can actually speak and be listened to. Where I don’t feel powerless and unable to speak, even if they aren’t my words.
Also, the fact that I type really long comments probably highlights all the things in my head I need to say and I can type them without interru..
(Lol)
This issue was the bane of my existence when I started teaching, especially because I have a soft voice and teach junior high, where manners apparently don't exist. Now, I'm great at bulldozing and directing conversations in my classroom, but I'm still horrible at it in any other setting. Probably because I can't tell my fellow adults that I'm going to call their mom and give them a detention if they don't start listening to me, hahaha.
Love the tree metaphor. In my esteemed professional opinion, this channel does indeed have the best metaphors. Kinda goes along with that "no one I think is in my tree" concept in one of your earlier videos.
I’ve been marooned on mid-conversation island my whole life. I also tend to cut people off so I can get out my thought before I forget it. I even typed this response while you were talking. I think it’s a midwestern thing. Or maybe it’s just something I inherited from my moms family.....the struggle to converse is real.
I've been partnered with researchers and engineers in meetings and I try not to maroon them in conversations. Especially in remote conference meetings, long silences make me uncomfortable. I feel strained and anxious when I'm consciously waiting in silence for everyone to have a chance to make their points before moving to the next subject. It takes continuous practice - but it has paid dividends for me as a project manager.
Sometimes I have seen some people stay quiet when a conversation might be dominated by extroverts and then when they do chime in, they have been taking notes about talking points they want to make and we then run through their thoughts.
I can relate to this so much. I realised a few years ago that if there are more than three people in a conversation I'm completely passive and I'll only talk to the people either side of me andnot address the whole group. Three or less and I can talk to everyone, it's weird how it's so specific.
That was a beautiful outro, so glad we could help with that 2003 award for your metaphors xD - keep em coming
thanks, Ash
❤😭 Nice to know I am not the only one. Why can't I meet people like us? Why is it so hard to find introverts that are comfortable with who they are... Thanks Frank!
Tears...so many tears from lmao 😂
I love you, you are a true comedian!!!
This vid was a “10” I can relate soooo
much to this conundrum 🙄 For most of my life, I was the quiet observer ( and cheerleader, like someone else commented!) And I was fine w/ it, but now that I am older & wiser(haha) I am beginning to touch my toe into the waters of “just toughening up & busting my way in” , sometimes. But it never goes well bc the strong extroverts just plow right over me on the other end. Oh well, at least I’m trying to speak now.
I LOVED all of the effects in your vid- they were so perfect & hilarious 🤣
I loved the tree metaphor! In my mind I pictured myself up in a tree all by myself, & then seeing everyone else off in another tree 😏
Thank you for making me laugh!
I find it awesome that FJ asked viewers for their input in the comments after a video about being excluded from conversation.
Sometimes, it helps people to notice your presence if you give little acknowledgements that you are listening. Maintaining eye contact, nodding, laughing, and using interjections are all good reminders that you are still there.
This video is perfect to watch on christmas eve (I am in Europe and will celebrate with my extended family today. Group. Talking.) I think the best way to be able to interrupt even though you hate it is to think of the other people's kind of uninteresting comments and realize that the quality of the comment does not matter a lot. Sometimes people will love you just for trying. Imagine that you are doing a good deed: failing in dropping cool lines can sometimes be cute and make people feel good about themselves (and they will therefore want you around and involved - haha, so fooled!). Then, you can in turn fool yourself that it is not rude to interrupt. :D Yes, it is a freakishly long thought process to say "man that's awesome", so you might still say it too late.
Thanks for bringing this up! I have a suggestion I hope is helpful to someone somewhere!!
This phenomenon was my recurring nightmare in discussions at school UNTIL I started doing the following: I’d observe, as a stereotypical INFJ staying in my comfort zone, then when I noticed someone say something that related to a story or opinion someone else shared earlier, I would interrupt to point out the similarities in their points. I always concluded my comment with, “So it sounds like Person A and Person B have similar opinions/experiences. What do Person C and Person D think about this?”
I liked this method because 1) I did get to say something, 2) I didn’t feel as bad interrupting because I showed I’d been listening and invited others to speak, 3) over time everyone in the class started inviting people to talk/asking for the opinions of other people creating a less conversationally competitive atmosphere, 4) I gradually became more comfortable sharing my own opinions (in school and in social situations), and 5) I got credit for the discussion.
I completely agree, FJ, it feels weird interrupting at first, but baby steps or strategies can help. This one made it easier for me, personally. And I love this UA-cam format because all people are invited to speak-complete thoughts, no interruptions=such a beautiful thing!
Wow! You just described so many of my conversations. I was uncomfortable listening until I realized, wow this happens to other people, too. Someone will eventually have pity on me and ask me a question. You just have to find people that will listen to what you have to say and appreciate you.
omg your outro is super cool!
thanks :)
Frank James
thanks for composing fun stuff and sharing with us :D
This was such an enjoyable and funny vid FJ. Love the outro song. I felt so nostalgic to hear the AOL. 😀 I felt like posting Eminence Front but no , the flow said Sly and the Family Stone "Everybody is a Star". That flow hitting me back all the time with butterfly wishes. Can't we just follow the butterflies.
Hahaha.. God, I love you so frickin much. Thank you so much for putting this video out there for people like me who know exactly what this is like because we've been experiencing this our entire lives.
Thank you for being you, Frank. This fellow INFJ thoroughly enjoys your existence. Much love. ✌❤
LOL ... yes. It is at these moments that I feel like I'm looking in a mirror when you talk
This literally happened to me today. Lol!!! Thanks for the laugh.
I can so relate to this. Extroverts especially ESTs are more like sprinters when it comes to conversation and introverts especially INFJs are more like long distance runners. Our brain processing speeds are running differently. Similar to the rabbit and the turtle scenario. Introverts do take longer to process and it tends to be more deeply. I think INFJs inferior Se plays a big part too. By the time an extrovert takes a breath for another to jump in, another extrovert is jumping in before an introvert can. Its like blinking and you miss it. Introverts do much better on one to one communication or very small groups (2-4 other people). Introverts are more coffee shop people while extroverts are more party type people. If you have a choice, try to arrange for smaller arrangements that work for you better. Many of my jobs involved working one on one with people versus group oriented projects etc. Harder to avoid some group atmospheres such as family reunions etc. Listening isn't all bad. Extroverts appreciate it more than we realize. It just kind of sucks when we have something to say and trying to jump in. Extroverts tend to forget something if they don't say it right away too. They seem to process their thoughts better externally while introverts probably do better processing them internally. Sometimes I will say, "Excuse me, I would like to say something after you finish your thought." Some may be a little put off by that yet they seem to respect you giving them a chance to finish what they have to say and they now recognize you want to say something. It is a bit of trial and error with different people. I play it by ear depending on the individual. If someone tends to interrupt others a lot, I will play their game and do it back with them to get my words in if its important for me to say. If some one listens and doesn't interrupt, I tend to let them finish speaking and try to get my chance in when they have a breathe. I tend to treat others how they treat me to a certain extent. In previous in-law family group dynamics, I tend to let them take the lead and do most of the talking. But when one on one with them, I'm more vocal. If a person has a job involving groups or working with some cause with many people, then they might want to work on developing their assertiveness more in group dynamics, body language etc It may involve reading books and vids on the subject, perhaps counseling, talking wtih other people (ETs and introverts) about suggestions, and practice. In grade school from 2nd-5th grade, I didn't go outside for recess due to health issues then and I'm probably not the best person to understand interjecting in group dynamics. I did a lot of fiction reading during those recess periods and outside school. My natural default mode is as an observer. I think we do better communicating thru writing or by vids. lol @AOL I remember those days. I was taking classes for computer science back then and had dial up at home. My PC education is so outdated. Even then, I knew I would have to be taking classes regularly after graduating to stay updated. At first, I thought great I can keep learning. Then I thought I HAVE to keep learning and then that took the fun out of it. I enjoy computers but more as a hobby than as a career. Loving the outtros! introvertdear.com/news/introverts-words-hard-science/
I also think Enneagram plays a part in this. Many ETs are tritype 378 which is triple assertive. Some EFs may be that tritype too although there tends to be more variation with the EF types such as E2 or E4 in it etc. www.fitzel.ca/enneagram/socstyle.html
You just made me think of so many different crazy and ridiculous conversational moments in my life.
Try being in a huge Italian family gathering when everyone has been drinking and you have two sometimes three people talking to you directly at the same time as though they cannot hear the other person(s) talking directly to you or (at you).
That's the one I like the best is when two people talk to you at the same time as though the other one is not talking to you and all you have left to do is laugh hysterically because there is no way you can understand either one of them and you are incredulous.
Then there is my recent ex boyfriend who spoke not in paragraph form but in page form and if you dare to try to interrupt or wedge your way in he would explain loudly let me finish! He NEVER finished!
One favorite evening I was with a friend and her brother. They were doing the talking to me at the same time thing and then her brother picked up a saxophone and played it horribly at my face while she was talking. It reminded me of a Monty Python scene in the Meaning of Life where an elephant headed man and a waiter walked toward the camera slowly feeling as though they were walking into your face. Another hysterical giggly moment that didn't end quickly and turned to belly laughter.
Good memories and I didn't have to interrupt anyone to say it. OK I see the advantage of video now too.
And now my good friends I talk to will do this thing where we will both say something at the same time, then pause, and one of us will say you go ahead. Then there is a hesitant pause and the one who did not say you go ahead will complete their thought or idea. That is usually just me and my best friend that do that. I think I interrupt her more than she interrupts me to be honest.
Anyway I suspect there are all kinds of crazy conversational Dynamics and if you think about it it is probably a disruptive process period and in the first place and all that jazz.
'I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY'!!... so funny!! It can be very frustrating to not be heard, especially as we put so much effort into listening to others. I personally dislike being involved in group conversation unless it's with very close friends, otherwise it's like dying a slow tortuous death..so exhausting that I ache to go home!
FJ, this video is entertainment as pure as it gets for an introvert. I laughed almost as hard as I did two hours ago when I watched Modern Family bloopers.
You should get that term trademarked :D
I'm learning to be a queen in my own right. I actually read about this elsewhere. It's called someone dominating you--just in conversation. You know very well they are interrupting you by being rude--I've learned to grow a backbone since the few weeks have passed. I've learned to say "Excuse me, that was very rude--I was in the middle of explaining to my colleague how steam engines work. If you want to listen you are free to--but don't interrupt me again--especially if you're not interested in what I have to say."
I get very regal and proper and that asserts my own dominance--they back off REAL quick. :D
Then I revert back to my normal goofy self.
Oh my gosh, your videos are awesome!! I love the scene where you boldly insert yourself into the conversation only to realize you have nothing of significance to say resulting in a painfully uncomfortable situation which is emphasized by the frame slowly disappearing into the distance. it is Hilarious!! I will be laughing for days!! Thank you!!
Thanks for making that video! Now I have something to show my extroverted friends with whom I‘ve had that exact same issue!!! They are just talking nonstop and when I finally see a chance to say something (very intelligent of course 😋) they just interrupt me to continue their monologue. So it gets me mad, they call me aggressive... end of any relaxing conversation... it’s a relief to know I’m not the only one struggling with this. 😊 Maybe next time I‘ll throw in a verbal midroll add myself ... 😏
This is a totally relatable subject for me as I have seven siblings, most of whom are loud extroverts. I have learned to condense what I want to say in an attempt to had my two bits. Sometimes I resort to speed talking my shortened version. Even then I can barely finish a sentence. Often I revert to the smile and nod technique.
Yep this happens to me all the time...I laughed so hard when you did the overly aggressive technique, I’ve definitely done that😂 It seems like often I can’t win because if I’m with extroverts, I feel the INFJ fade a lot. But when I’m with introverts, I feel way too much pressure to put out and I panic and can’t even form sentences anymore lol. But yeah I agree, I think we just need to learn to be a little more aggressive to get in what we want to say.
Bahahaha FJ you are spot on! I've learned to jump in there if the group consists of close friends, otherwise I don't so much...
Glad I found your channel, I find your videos to be very insightful and entertaining. Thanks, FJ.
It's not introverts-extroverts thing, in my opinion. It's Infj thing. Hating being interrupted and having struggles to focus on the present moment.
I can spot that flaw because Se is my tertiary function.
It's the same with my Ti and Infjs. I can tell they percieve me as ,,all over the place" sometimes. Thoughts that I am presenting are not always structured and collected.
Avoid Se doms somehow 😆
I Dont think it's necessarily an I vs E thing. False dichotomy most likely. My family members interrupt horribly and talk over eachother, and some are introverts.
If we are polite, and have a hard time being present as it is, what's stopping us from retreating into our minds? It gets frustrating to keep trying. Like playing a game of really fast double Dutch jump rope and desperately trying to make a graceful entry.
I'm an INFP and I have the same struggles as him.
FJ: You, sir, are a RIOT! Thank you - you have the knack of making me laugh at things about myself and problems I run into, living on the ISS INFJ. Booyah.
I've only recently discovered that I am an introvert. Based on a personality test I am an INFJ. I don't know how accurate that is since I keep hearing and reading about mistyping personalities. It's refreshing to have come across someone who I feel has a more relatable outlook in life than the people I interact with daily. I just want to say thank you for the content you upload. Keep up the great work!
you nailed it! the struggle is real! sending love to all! xx
I really hear what you are saying. I only mastered this once i had children. I too am INFJ and painfully sensitive but with 2 rowdy toddlers learned to shout in crowded rooms, take charge and steer like an extrovert. Im psychic and having children woke up different spirit guides...grandmother spirits who didnt respect appropriateness but instead guided me with ' in the moment meaning and honesty'. Strange comment on your video I know but my truth. X
This is perfection. The impromptu tree metaphor even works. Bulldoze, breadcrumb, all of it. So very accurate and hilarious.
YES! Thank you for explaining this and letting me know I’m not the only one. You’re a 30 yr old Euro American man from ...? and I’m a 50 yr old Carib American woman from Manhattan - and we deal with the exact same internal and situational conflict. Fascinating.
What works for me is humor. If people laugh when you add your piece, they'll shut up and listen as soon as you try to take a turn.
Excuse me for interrupting but I have something to say! From my perspective, this is the best video of yours that I have seen. I am 63 years old and this has been happening to me my entire life. I have gotten to the point where I basically just listen to the conversations around me or on the rare occasion someone throws me a crumb, I take it and share what I have to say. Thank you for this. I am not alone!!!
That was pretty funny. I mean, I can tell you wouldn't have that issue (as much) now with putting your own viewpoint into a conversation. At least you come across much more self-assured now than then. But the cinematography of this video as well as the scenario of waiting to speak on a topic in a convo and then missing the chance because it has taken a turn is so relatable. I was laughing most of the time. And the end song was perfect! 😄😊👍✌️
Wow this video describes my brain and how I function, think and feel to a tee.
"trying to keep a bookmark in your head of where the conversation was so that when you finally have a turn to speak you can flip back the pages and be like wait what about this that we were just talking about"
"when you are presented with some kind of idea you just want to keep drilling down into it and you wanna explore the idea and concept fully the subject at hand but alot of other people don't have that same interest."
"of course when it becomes your turn to speak, by that time they've taken the conversation down a path where I'm like lost, I dunno what to say now. I knew what to say 30 minutes ago"
Haha Exactly. And great metaphors you used to to perfectly explain everything here too. Personally for me I feel that with many, conversation can be so fast paced and on a shallow level like you said which results in me being silent most of the time which can be discouraging because I will want to add my 2 cents or share some insight that comes up in a moment but like you said the conversation can quickly change to where what you want to say almost becomes irrelevant at that point to this person it feels, then there is also that desire and need to think deeply and process the things being said before you share something but the topics are changing way too fast.
I don't like interupting people either, I don't like being or coming across as rude and I'm usually not, I'm so patient that i will sit there in silence and listen to someone speak for ages but when I notice that a person is being rude by taking advantage of my patience and being inconsiderate by not even letting me get a word in it can eventually make me feel frustrated to the point where I will start butting in or I will just check out and lose interest in a conversation all together if they make me feel like they want me to hear everything they want to say but don't want to reciprocate that.
Something that bugs me so much is when I can be patient listening to a person speak for ages without butting in and when I finally get the chance to actually talk they cant have the same patience in return and actually let me speak my mind for as long as I need too without butting in but yet they will get angry when I but in, when I will most of the time only do that because they never stop talking so it's like my only option if I actually want to have a turn to speak.