Is this Grief or Depression (and why does no one warn you?)
Вставка
- Опубліковано 28 тра 2024
- We weren't going to release this podcast episode.
The original plan was to discuss whether, after losing her mum to cancer six weeks ago, the deep sadness Liz is feeling is normal grief (as one would expect) or a worryingly worsening depression.
And while we did discus the above, the route we took was different to what we anticipated.
We were ready to scrap the episode and start again.
But. We changed our mind.
On reflection (and a large red wine later), we agreed that these authentic, unscripted, messy conversations are often the most valuable.
We certainly hope so ❤️
You are incredibly important and cherished by us both. If you are suffering in any way, please talk to a professional who can help. You are loved and you are not alone.
Until next time. Kia kaha.
Arohanui
Liz and Brian xx
Links mentioned in the show:
Liz's Front Row newsletter.
The best of my writing is shared in my weekly newsletter with the people I care about the most.
Sign up for the Front Row Newsletter at itsadrama.com/frontrow/
It's a Drama Blog
itsadrama.com/
five weeks?. No way, it’ll take as long as it takes. One day I was talking to an old friend about my mum and she said to me, “that’s the first time you’ve talked about her”. It was five years later!. Grief is one of the two natural feelings, the other is fear, it’s uncontrollable and real. Be kind to yourself. You have a wonderful caring husband, take one day at a time . God bless you and hugs. It will get better.
Thank you ❤️ I appreciate your kindness and for sharing. Thank you x
Dear Liz, when you need to talk, talk. When you need to cry, cry. When you need to hurl abuse at the world, do just that. And when you need to laugh, definitely do that. Your grief is YOUR grief, you will get through it (or learn to cope with it) in your own way. Much love, all will be well, and your mum and you are united for ever. xxxx
What beautiful words, Chris, thank you. Being able to get to know you here in this community has been a real pleasure and an honour. Thank you for finding us and for being here with your constant kindness. You are much loved, Chris.
Liz xxx
Hi Liz it just shows how much love you have for your Mum. It does get easier. It took me 5 years. I felt sick all the time, had panic attacks. Thought nothing other than death when i lost my brother. Grief does get easier. I went once to grief therapy & came out laughing because the therapist kept yawning. Her little one had kept her up all night. Grief is not an easy road to go down. You will have bad days. Just be kind to yourself. Cancer is awful, watching your loved one on that journey is just so incredibly sad. Its good to laugh. It really is the best medicine. Dont feel guilty either. You are living, make the most of every day. It really is true time does heal. Take care both of you xx
Oh, Sue, I love you. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Liz xx
Hi, Liz & Brian, condolences on your loss of Liz's mum. I would suggest reading Elizabeth Kubler Ross's book 'On Death and Dying' outlining the 5 stages of grief: 1. denial 2. anger 3. bargaining 4. depression 5. acceptance. Please be kind to yourself & give yourself time; I lost both my parents @ age 26 (am now 68), & I recollect grappling with feelings of emptiness for 2 years; everyone processes the loss of a loved one differently; continue to honor the memory of your mum (your recent UA-cam eulogy of your mum was phenomenal, I know she is smiling down on you lovingly from heaven!), & allow your feelings of grief, anger & loss to flow; & then revel in the love & support of both family & friends that continues to surround you - you are so very blessed. Be well. ❤
Thank you, for your wonderfully kind words, Lottie, I will read the book, and I appreciate your wisdom and insight. I know it's not easy to write about such personal experiences and so reading what you have shared makes me feel very lucky. Thank you, Lottie. You are appreciated very much. With love, Liz xx
I agree with Brian. We are all individuals and our grief 😔 is different. For eg I lost a lot of my friends and family. And I lost my husband two + years ago. I was preparing for his 70th birthday and he died suddenly. I just tell you my own feelings. We were married 49years and I felt I lost my mind,cause there's certain things I couldn't remember. Unfortunately our lost one's never teaches us how to cope without them. The only thing I can advise you is:live one day at a time and don't think you are mad,have depression etc. Love you Liz.(I'm treated for years with depression) Keep it up Girly one day at a time ⏲️ 💗 💓
Thank you so very much, Marlene. What a privilege to have you share your personal journey with me. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that my heart is with yours I'm sending you love and gratitude, thank you my friend ❤️ Liz x
Condolences to you and your family.
My husband passed away in August last year of Cancer which he suffered from for 12years. I was his carer for this whole time as he was never the same. I still break out in tears and sometimes just a song or something that sets me off. Their is no time frame for grief, some people take years it never goes away but will get easier in time.
Please Liz, don't be hard on yourself. Take one day at a time, take care.. ❤
Dear Diane,
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing such a personal journey with us, my heart is with you, it really is. You are a giving, loving person and by you sharing your experience of grief so honestly, it helps more than you can imagine. Thank you, Diane ❤️
Hi Liz grief is such an individual journey and there is no right or wrong. I feel my mother’s passing to this day. What has changed over time is it becomes part of you, neither positive nor negative just a part of your identity. You know what to do for you. Weave your magic in stories, communicate with all that love you. Seek peace in your maunga and moana they too are there for you.
We are all here for you. Kia Kaha.
Arohanui
Tracy
Thank you so much, Tracy. Your words mean a lot to me. And yes...that steadfast maunga has been very patient with me... You really are very lovely, Tracy, and I appreciate that you found me.
Arohanui,
Liz xx
Mourning is Brian's key word. There is a time to mourn.... it's normal. But at the same time remember to stay in the present and live. I take a grief course. Someone suggested having a special time to mourn, look at photos etc, feel the grief, say half an hour after dinner. Then pack it up and get back into the present. At the beginning when grief is overwhelming, it just takes over. Sounds like you've been scared of that part. Then slowly get the emotional part under your discipline if you can and feel it, cry and then put it away and get on with it. Sometimes it will just be a mum day. Most people find 1 to 3 years and the memories become historic rather than emotional. Best wishes. Lots of us have been there. From a widow of 14 years, taken HRT, survived cancer and successfully on non emotional suppressing antidepressants. Can't take HRT because of the cancer. Listen to Brian, he's a wise man.❤
Thank you, Heather. What a privilege... I feel as though you have taken me to one of your course classes and we have sat together and listened. You are wise and you are strong. Thank you for sharing both your wisdom and your strength. I receive both needfully and gratefully.
With love, Liz ❤️
Liz, your mum is with you in your grief. And, your mum is with you in your joy. She is with you in all of it. Embrace what feels good, hold on tightly to it, and melt into your Bri and other loved ones when the grief spills out again. And do keep on shining your dazzling light. What a joy you really are to many of us! Clearly you are a real credit to your mother's love. And what a pleasure to listen to Bri and the wisdom he shared, and to also witness you move through your own emotions. This is real life, unrehearsed, and it's beautiful!! Big hugs x
Dear Hayley, what a very special message. Thank you so very my friend, I can't tell you how much your words give me that extra bit of strength. My goodness...what a lovely message. Thank you.
Liz xx
@@ItsaDrama that warms my heart. Lots of love for you and Bri. You're just wonderful!! xx
This living business is complex. Coming to terms with our own mortality is huge for most people.I volunteer at a hospice. & it's easy to become consumed by death, but it's important not to be watching the clock on our own life, rather, as Brian says, balance it out with all the good stuff (and your wonderful humour Liz❤)
THANK YOU Ms Happy for everything you do. You are wonderful and I feel lucky to have you here with us. Thank you so much ❤️
When my dad died, I had about a year of things triggering my grief and making me cry. Grief is a long process. Much love to you. ❤
Thank you for sharing. I am beginning to realise that...another thing I never knew about life. Do you know how much you sharing your words helps? I really hope you do. Thank you. Much love to you, too xx
What also helps me is talk about it,don't blame or worry about your feelings and think what would your Mum says if she sees you now
Thank you, Marlène x
My dad died in November from a brain tumour. ( 3wks after we found out he was sick).
I cry every day & can cry at any minute without notice. .... it's so sad & i realise i took everything he did for me, for granted 😢
Oh, Rosina. I'm so very sorry. I'm sending you so much love. My heart beats with yours it really does. Please take comfort in the wonderfully kind comment offered here by those who are further along the road than us. You are not alone. With love, Liz x ❤️
My friends.
The depth of your being is the very reason for your sadness.
If I was next to you right now ...... I'd say nothing
No great advice
No meaning of life revelations.
All you'd get from me is a big hug.
Believe me Liz the sadness will be replaced by the NOW love .
Luv ya both stay strong.
Thank you so very much, Mark. You are loved and appreciated and that hug was just what I needed. Thank you ❤️
Hey, I've never commented before but really wanted to in this instance, I lost my sister who was everything to me and it is only time, the pain never goes you just slowly learn to deal with it by filing yourself up with other things. I couldn't work for 3 years and the tears still come just further apart. I feel all the same things... it's so fresh for you... sending much love xx
Dear Rebeka,
thank you so very much for being kind enough to reach out with your message and for sharing such a deep and personal loss. Thank you. Sharing makes it better, I know it to be true. With love, Liz x
@ItsaDrama your so strong I can see that. It's the hardest thing what is happening, I will try to comment more as you and Brian are so funny and I want to help support you more, take care love Rebeka x
Dear Liz,
I was deeply saddened to hear about the passing of your mum. Please accept my heartfelt condolences during this incredibly difficult time. Your mum was an amazing person, and her memory will always be cherished by those who knew her. May you find comfort and strength in the love and support of your family and friends.
Thank you, my friend. Your kind words mean so very much to me,. Thank you ❤️ Liz
From my own loss experience I can tell you that you will be on an emotional rollercoaster for awhile. Cry when you need to and laugh when you can, it's all part of the process. Give yourself Grace. Don't put a timeline on grief because it won't go away it will just get softer with time.
Thank you my friend, and thank you for the beautiful poem you shared with me through email. I printed that out and it is on my fridge to remind me...thank you Sherree. With love,
Liz xx
Oooh Liz, we are so, so sorry that you are feeling all these emotions. Grief and depression can be very similar emotional responses to traumatic experiences. Please don’t be hard on yourself. You need time to process all those feelings, and there is no right amount of time for this-it simply doesn’t exist.
Brian is 100% right that everyone will feel, react, and process everything differently. That’s life.
Mum hasn't truly gone anywhere; she is still with you in your heart, and she always will be. Take your time to *feel*.
Lots of love from both of us here❤️
My lovely friends, thank you. Your messages and emails during this time (and long before) have been a source of comfort and joy to me. Thank you. I'm not sure how we came to know each other but I am sure glad we did. How wonderful the internet is...all of this love coming from the (not quite sure what to say here as I have no idea,,,) wires?? Radio transmitter beams?? Anyway, I'm grateful for modern technology. Without it we would never have experienced this incredible bond. Thank you. xx
@ItsaDrama thank you for all your good words for us. Yes, tx goodness for internet that we found you our dearst frind. We love you. 💖
Tough times, just try to deal with it in your own way & give yourself and Brian as much time as you need. Loved the story of the Lady & her Princess
Thank you for your kindness, Russell. You are appreciated and loved ❤️
I am 51 years old and I've struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life.
The turning point for me was when my daughter's father passed away with no warning. We were not together but still close and I couldn't stop thinking about death from then on.
I lasted until my daughter left home then I slowly sank more into my feelings with nothing to force me out of it. I used to talk to him and get angry at him and blame him but it only made it worse so I started talking to him about his daughter as though he could hear me.
Much has happened in the meantime, including my daughter transitioning from her birth sex of male to the beautiful woman she is now. It has been 10 years and I still talk to him most weeks and tell him about things his daughter has done and how proud he would be. I no longer miss him and cry when I think about him, I believe he knows everything that she's doing and that helps to comfort me. I no longer think about dying all the time although it has never completely left me but isn't the nightmare it once was.
Brian is right, only you know how you feel and no one can say how long it should last. It takes a conscious effort to understand when you're heading the wrong way and purposely change your thinking. I'm glad you're feeling better after talking about it and thinking clearly. It does get easier but never goes away, you don't need to worry about losing those feelings. You'll just feel them in a healthier way. Take care.
Thank you so very much for this beautiful and personal message and for sharing your heartache and grief journey with us. I feel honoured and privileged, thank you. ❤️ Liz x
@@ItsaDrama 💛
It's great that you guys can talk about how you feel, and I know this podcast will help other people. I lost my dad when I was 18, and felt that I had to be tough and not talk about how I felt and I didn't want to be a problem for my mum. After almost a year of just trying to be tough, I got so run down our family dr suggested I take a few weeks off work. But it took a motorcycle, a broken ankle and a friends intervention before I opened up about how I was feeling. A cuppa, a chat and a good laugh can make so much difference.
BTW I was working outside in Spotwood during that storm.
Thank you for sharing, Patrice, and yes, you are right. Every time we sit down to talk the weight feels a little lighter and I really hope that others are able to feel included and take comfort in these conversations.
I hope you didn't get too wet in that storm! Sending you much love from around the corner ❤️ Liz x
Such wonderful loving comments. I can't add anything. They all resonate with me so much.Well done.xxx
Oh, Penny...and me too. I am blown away by the love, kindness and the willingness of these beautiful people to stand side by side and shout from inside UA-cam "you are not alone".
I have never felt anything like it. It makes me cry. Good tears. Tears of appreciation and love and I can't-believe-it-ness. Such warmth, love and support. The world is filled with so many wonderful people and we feel honoured that those same people somehow managed to find us. THANK YOU to everyone xxx ❤️
So nice to hear the Lizzy laugh again. Love to you both ❤❤
It felt good, it really did...(the dog dressed up as my mum...what's not to laugh at?!) Love you, Muzz xx❤️
Just time does help. Peel from inside to out with your heart and feelings.No one will judge other than yourself
Thank you, Lia x
I will not be surprise if the grief started from when you knew that your mum will be leaving this earth.
Griefing is a personal process and there is no right or wrong, long or short. Do take care
Yes, that's what i think too, Mattie...Thank you, my friend. As always, I appreciate you being with us ❤️ x
OK, is it wrong, now we want to hear the wake story?🤔 It's great that you do show us that it's important to keep talking, sharing. Keeping things inside , to yourself, is when you focus on the wrong emotions. When I think of my dad and want to feel closer I raise a glass of Sauvignon blanc (his favorite wine he liked making). As I also raise a glass to the two of you for everything you do! ♥🍷
😂 I thought you might think that, Randy, 😆 Thank you for making me crack up when I read your comment, and for sharing the way you are dealing with the loss of your lovely dad. You never fail to make me love you a bit more 🥰 Liz xx (and Bri)
Hey Liz...
You two are a great, and open... I have been following you for some time... and the advice I can give, while as you and Brian said there is no hard and fast rule, what you are dealing with there is no right or wrong, there is no time period... however, sometimes grief can lead to depression if your not careful.
I myself have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions over the last few years , I have mentioned in one of your last video's that I can relate.
I lost my sister maybe 5 years ago to Cancer... watching her being this strong woman that just wanted to help others and the life slowly being sucked out her and the slow deterioration. I remember the last time I saw her, in hospital, weak just staying with her, her to weak to even speak... just holding her hand. I left the room I said to my partner, I am not going to see her again. She passed 2 hours later.
However it doesn't end there... both mum and dad passed away in the last few years as well, late last year 2023 my nephew (sister's son) passed away by taking his own life. A couple of friends over covid that I couldn't go to say good-bye due to they now lived over seas and well locked down. A good friend had a brain aneurysm only speaking to him a month before hand. Now add to all this the ducati being stolen, putting our puppy down, and last month made redundant and now looking a job.
Overall a saving grace for me was "Mitre" our new pup...he has probably saved my life, with the help of my partner. The thoughts you are having are natural... you do start asking those questions.
Here is the thing, you will always think about her... remember the good times you had. I does get easier... it truly does, but even down the road you will still have moments, I still have the moments thinking of my big sis... my mum & dad, nephew... etc... but it does get easier with time... It does. Keep talking about it to Brian especially when you feel down a bit...
You friends and family are a good source (and as Brian said) people that are full of life do help, our hobbies, and staying creative helps. Do keep your sense of humor which you still have, however I have picked up the difference.
Yes one day I will go, my partner, my friends, current pup, and unfortunately death is part of the cycle of life , it is hard to accept, but we have to. Keep your mum alive in your heart...
Overall I am keeping my sense of humor... and makes me think of a mid life crisis in a new leaf of light.
Oh, my friend. This will sound so strange, but we were only talking about you a day or two ago.
You have been with us for two years but we hadn't heard anything from you for a while and were saying we hoped all was well. We were talking about you and then, a day or two later, you leave this very heartfelt, personal and beautiful message! Incredible...The universe works in wondrous ways 🥰
I can't thank you enough for being kind and open enough to share your story. How very, very difficult life has been for you. My heart is with you and I'm so sorry to hear about your losses.
Your words of advice and thoughtfulness made me think and helped me a great deal. Thank you for staying strong and for reaching out to me at this time. Me (and Brian) appreciate you very much.
Kia Kaha my friend,
Liz x
I find it difficult that we don't talk about what it is like to lose a parent. So many of us have to face this, a natural order of life, yet we don't seem able to prepare ourselves for how it is. Of course it can be a very different experince depending on our relationship with the person and way in which we lose them. I had kind of assumed at some point I would lose my mum, I had no idea how hard it would be. It's been nearly 3 years and I recently started having nice dreams with my mum in them. I can now think of her and my first thoughts are not always about her dying, but more often recalling a precious memory.
How can we know what it will be like for us? I am not sure we can, its something we have to navigate when it happens.
Dear Anna,
You are so right...I (naively) thought when mum was ill 'this must be the hardest part...' I never imagined in a million years that this is how I would feel once she left. Like you say, how can we know? We can't. A friend said to me after mum passed, 'get ready, this is going to be hard' I just wish she'd added "really, really, really' in front of the sentence...
I knew you were a counsellor from one of your emails (it said in the footer). THANK YOU. Thank you for being that person that offers others people like me a place to safe place to go and talk and cry and work through it all. You are an angel, really, you are ❤️
Liz x
You are so lucky to have Brian, Liz. Cherish your love and partnership - it's rare ❤ It takes as long as it takes - one day at a time is all you can do ❤ When you lose all your parents and grandparents, it's terrifying. You have nothing to fall back on, and I still feel like that 😢 Just don't listen to Ed Sheeran's Visiting Hours (unless you feel like a good cry - sometimes that helps - a good drive and a cry really does seem to help, for some reason) ❤
Thank you, for sharing Trudi. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine doing this alone. Brian is my absolute angel and I cherish and love him more than I dare to think about.
Sending you much love my friend,
Liz ❤️ x
BUMPER STICKER:
BADLY NEED A COFFEE.
I'm driving she's navigating
yep we're lost.
I am saying this i hope for you in a kind way. Naturally you are an actress, when you express something you can be dramatic. You are going through something deep and super sad. You can't act grief. Its something you have to control and let it out. Have you though of seeing a therapist. I was told depression is suppressed anger. What are you angry about. Let it out. Take the dog for a walk. Tramp, tramp tramp.
Tangi are so good.
There are people there to lift you up, to talk and laugh and cry with. I dont know if I told you I lost my Mum and Dad while I was in UK so I couldnt go to their funerals. Friends took me out, we sat,talked, cried, ate,cried, and walked. It comes and goes. Now im back here. My sister died, she didnt want a funeral, she was cremated, wanted to be scattered. I was deverstated. Im use to tangi, and now i have to go through no ceremony, no family to cry, laugh, talk with, but friends took me to the butterfly park.
Trouble with Brits, my Dad was one. You dont let your kids get involved with the facts that when someone gets sick to think of the possibility of death. When someone dies you can cry and theres no limit on how long we ache and mourn. We learn from these experiences and feel the depth, then share, release in tears & hugs.❤ 🙏 🙌 🙏 ❤
Ps I still morn for my pet chicken our family ate nearly 70 years ago
Thank you for sharing your journey, my friend, I appreciate you and I am sorry for your loss. By sharing your experience of grief, it helps and for that I thank you.
Sending you much love and peace,
Liz x ❤️
@@ItsaDrama thank you Liz. It gets easier.
❤️ 🙏 ❤️
Dearest Liz, please give yourself so much more time. Brian is right to call it post traumatic stress, along with grief. The way in which your Mum died is hugely traumatic. She was relatively young, you had a very close and loving relationship and you have watched her fade from such a cruel disease. Your life has forever changed. You no longer have a Mother.
Your life will never be the same again. You are thinking about people dying because you are next in line!
Brian has a more analytical brain (just my opinion) and you are running on pure emotion.
You know you have so much to be grateful for, but it doesn't change the fact that you are grieving. And you will be for months, even years, but the intensity will change.
I still miss my parents, I don't think that will change but yes, I can smile at photos and remember funny things.
We are all different, someone may read this and think "well what a misery guts she is" - and yes I am laughing.
I am so glad you ended your podcast laughing, I don't think you are depressed, either, you will have lows though, no doubt about it. There is no time limit on grief. And all of this is just my thoughts, and how I feel ❤
Not an expert just a been through it person xx
If I had magic powers to be abler to climb through the computer and come and give you a hug, I would, Miss Wendy.
Never will you be 'just a person who has just been through it', no. You will always be a champion. A love giver. A wise one. A woman who, along with these other beautiful people commenting, is helping a broken heart feel less heavy. And for that I thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
Always love,
Liz xx
PS.
ya married a goodin.
I did, Mark...❤️