My Grand mother taught me a version of this when my kids were little. When my youngest son was about 10 months-16 or 17 months old he would throw the biggest fits kicking and screaming and banging his head on the floor. My Grandmother saw it one time and me trying to stop him and after it was over she pulled me aside and said you know that any attention that you give to him while he is throwing a tantrum will only increase in volume and severity, no matter if the attention is positive or negative. But you can stop him by simply saying to him, ok if your going to throw a fit Im going in the other room or Im going to walk outside and as soon as you calm down Ill come back. So I tried it, and low and behold it worked! and within 2 months he was no longer throwing tantrums because it wasnt working for him any more. And when he finally stopped doing it I would tell him all the time that I was proud of him and I was happy that we could stay together because he was being so good. I promise you ladies, it does work. I didnt believe how fast it worked! And we were both so much happier for it, even though it was tuff to walk away at first. But even after the first time I did it, I noticed that the tantrum didnt last nearly as long as usual because noone was watching so it wasnt doing him any good! Yah for Grandmothers advice!!
@@Priyanka-Vanya I think the No reaction face and then the distraction at a window would help calm the situation down. Once the child is cooler, lots of hugs and snuggles for the calm behavior. 🫶🏼
Doc. Paul, it's been 8 days that I watched this awesome video, and it has tremendously changed my 3.5 years old. It's just a week and he's so much calmer. God bless you doctor.
"As soon as you can be calm we can be together." I love that. You arent telling the kid they cannot have emotions, or disagree with you. Your simply enforcing that all communication must be respectful. You will only give your energy to respectful communication.
Dr Paul I saw a similar video of yours about 9 months ago and did this with my 2.5 year old. She was kicking us and other kids when things didn't go her way. It works! Withing less than 2 months she was waaaay calmer and much more happy 🙏 thank you!
Parents need to understand that the tantrum/ ‘bad’ behavior is ALMOST ALWAYS the result a missed cue by the child from the parent. If they’re hitting or trying to get your attention, give it to them, it in a positive way. Many, many issues kids give you is because there’s an unmet need going on there. Are they hungry, tired, overstimulated, feeling unloved, wet, thirsty, bored???? Just like an infant crying because they have a problem is a missed cue because you missed the 3 other ones they gave you first, this is no different with an older child as well. If a child is figuring out that the tantrum gets them the most attention, it’s because you trained them to be that way because a child in their more natural sense of being, is not naturally manipulative like that. If they’re seeking those behaviors from you, give them what they want…or NEED, but in a more positive way! It actually DOES matter what triggered it because instead of trying to train the child to be ‘less annoying’ the parent need to better retrain themselves to learn their child’s cues to meet their needs instead of forcing the child to conform to yours. A child’s annoying behaviors trigger you for a reason and that is because they’re meant to get your attention. It’s an in born instinct we have. If we were out in the wild and a child relied on their parents for survival, making annoying sounds gets their attention. Their ‘annoying behaviors’ gets our attention so we can figure out what their needs are to need them. It sounds like an exhausting process, but raising children are far more complex than we believe! And it’s not their fault if we’re far too busy to meet all their needs. Contrary to what more parents believe, parents who are far more in tuned to their child’s needs and tend to them in a positive manner, have far LESS attached children as they get older, not more. The needy kids are the ones who are constantly going without their needs being met and those children turn out to be the neediest and whiniest adults out there who are the biggest attention seekers. Have you not noticed how this whole generation coming up now is full of them?! ‘Me, me, me, look at me!!!!’ Needing to feel like they’re the center of the universe and if they don’t have all eyes on them getting the most ‘likes’ they associate it with their self worth because those are things they’re still seeking in late childhood- adulthood all because they were raised by parents who were too busy, the most busiest ones ever being over worked, stressed out and tapped out!
Awesome advice! We used something similar. Our teen (very newly teen) still uses the calm down corner. When he feels himself getting overwhelmed, upset, angry, frustrated...etc. he goes to the calm down corner to sit, for as long as he needs. Some times it is a minute. Sometimes it is 40 minutes. Whatever he needs. He knows he can trust a place that is quiet, no one will bother him to force him to 'get over it' faster, and there isn't a lot to stimulate him/distract him from working through his emotions. He suffers/suffered from REM Sleep Cycle Seizures. Those cause awful temper tantrums at ages kids usually are not throwing them anymore. (BTW, he was a dream toddler...zero fits, happy, emotionally well adjusted, but BAM 5 1/2 came and tantrums and fits like I had never seen.) The diagnosis came at 10 1/2. During that time, we stuck to what we knew...calming down and regulation. He shared a room with his brother so the Calm Down Corner was created. He knew why, he knew it was not a punishment when he was sent there, he knew he could use it freely as he needed it, but sometimes he would be sent there if he needed it. He used it freely. We used it to reenforce the calm behavior. It still works. He has hopefully outgrown his seizures (we have a test coming up to let us know if he will be done with treatment or he requires another year before we can consider it). But finding a way to calm down is a life skill. He is nearly done with the Calm Down Corner, I can tell. He regulates well without it. I am so thankful for it over the years. These phases pass. Teaching a good skill for life is truly a loving gift.
This is exactly what kids need with extreme behaviors. Especially if you talk through and help them recognize their feelings afterwards. And that bonding fun time instantly afterwards is super crucial so your child KNOWS you really do love them and want to be around them. I worked with reactive attatchement t disorder kids that were extreme with a psychologist. This is in essence exactly what we had to do with these kids and teach the parents to do. You have to be calm so they see that you are a safe, calm person. And you HAVE to do the talking and fun bonding time afterward. You will have more mentally stable, emotionally developing children with that even with extremely difficult children.
As parents, we should share our peace, not participate in their chaos! You are spot on with the energy. I got to a point where I was just too emotionally drained to strongly react to behaviors like that so I just calmly remove them from the environment and give myself space from their chaos. This approach has helped me stop yelling and helped them be more calm (I have two boys with a third on the way!) Many people have strong opinions about parenting and gentle parenting but this is what has worked for me!
I'm happy for you! It really depends on the child. Sometimes you just gotta be stricter, without forgetting to be understanding and show them that you love them
Yes… this is so good! I didn’t understand this as a new parent, because it hadn’t been modeled to me. I’m so grateful that a family psychologist that had a radio program taught these principles. I learned so much from him. Thanks, Dr. Paul, for sharing what you know.
I needed this! I work for 24-96 hours at a time outside of the home. My husband is a contractor and works around my work schedule. When I'm home it's so tough because I feel so guilty for being gone I have a hard time disciplining especially because I know what my son is after is the attention he deserves.. I'll definitely be trying this.
Isolating him more?? He wants your attention and affection, you're going to come home and isolate him after being gone all day if he acts out craving your attention?
Having a spare car seat in the room helps when the child is being a danger to others. Dr Paul didn’t recommend a timer but that’s what worked for us. Time out in the car seat for a few minutes and then went back in the room when the child is calm to have a very short, loving conversation about the behavior. Keep it short and simple. This makes it an easy transition for being out in public too... because you can warn the child that he/she will go have time out in the car seat inside the actual car. Having a threenager was very stressful. I am happy to report that after doing this for a few months, we were able to nix the car seat all together and just have quiet time on the bed to calm down. It gets better, don’t give up on gentle parenting!
This is actually what I do to my 3 year old son. I put him in his crib in his room when he throws a fit and then I watch him on the monitor. I come back after a few minutes and he’ll be calm and would say sorry. Love all your videos. Thank you!!
I came here to say the same!!! I'm not a specialist but a parent I use this method on my son and it works. He always comes out of his room and apologizes for his actions and we talk about it.
So, your advice ‘out of love’ for the child as a parent/caregiver when it comes to dealing with a child’s emotions/tantrums is to isolate children by themselves in their moments of need when they’re essentially being an earache/inconvenience/ trigger to the adults... What an excellent way to teach children (who *surprisingly* aren’t fresh from the womb knowing how to regulate and understand their emotions, feelings and needs - who’d have thought it?!) that their feelings and needs are to be ignored and suppressed for them to be liked, loved and accepted. Being with a child during a tantrum is not pandering or enabling unfavorable behavior, as any healthy, balanced and self aware adult who has done the work on their OWN triggers and adverse experiences will understand. It’s the sheer projection from adults put onto kids that they are somehow master manipulators hell bent on domination that baffles me. Children want to feel seen, safe and accepted. Where the HELL do you think those big emotions go when a small child is put into a room on their own bc their caregiver is triggered by a tantrum or behavior that they deem to be difficult? “WELP, that stopped their whining n screaming! It worked! Now, I, the adult feel much better !!🤡” congratulations, you’ve just taught that child that love and care is conditional and now as adults they haven’t the faintest idea how to understand, communicate, identify or regulate their emotions without crippling guilty, overwhelm or believing that they are 'bad' for experiencing feelings of upset, anger or fear when faced with real world issues that effect them.
Finally someone who understands psychological development of a child. This doctor's advice is proven wrong and damaging several years ago. Parents, do your research.
@@Vaida88 I *really* was blown away by what he's said as someone apparently working regularly in a clinical setting with children and 'advising' their caregivers.. Hearing about his previous 'spanking'/'swatting' of his own son being replaced with yet another form of child mistreatment I was like nah no way, it's so damaging to be encouraging this sort of utterly child and society damaging nonsense to 1.56 followers. Agreed! Parents, do your own research and opt for the informed opinions of reputable, accredited, licensed child pyschologists, psychiatrists, therapists and the likes. Or at the very least any medical professional that doesn't promote mental, emotional abuse or neglect of children.
We need to stop looking at children as if they were beautiful angels. They are not. They are beautiful human beings, and human beings are not perfect. Children can actually throw tantrums just because they like to have an audience or an opportunity to engage in attention-seeking behavior. Do you like adults who throw tantrums or arrogant adults who enjoy being the centre of attention? I love and enjoy children, and that's why I treat them as human beings. You can't just ignore the fact that the behaviour of children can be influenced by a combination of genetic and developmental factors, not just environmental influences. This is why sometimes, even with loving parents, some kids may be more aggressive or more dominant than others. And in these cases, a hug or showing understanding, comprehension and patience may not be enough. I have worked with mothers who are quite docile and their children end up dominating the relationship, and do you know what this causes in the long run? The child develops a narcissistic, egocentric and authoritarian personality. In reality, very few strategies for dealing with unwanted behaviour are negative. The question is whether they are implemented correctly. What do I mean by implemented correctly? I mean that it's important to consider the context and individual needs of your child. As with any behavioral strategy, it's essential to consider your child's individual needs, preferences, and temperament. It’s important to introduce and implement these strategies in a positive and supportive manner. Avoid them as a punishment
@@gerardo49078I agree with your statement more than all the others who are saying this is abusive in a sense. Every child does not respond to loving & gentle parenting the same. It doesn’t matter how gentle you are they take advantage children learn to manipulate in childhood period. I am speaking from experience with my 7 yr old son if i’m calm or in a rage in response to his behavior it downs not change the behavior in that moment. So thank you for speaking more in depth. With everyone thinking gentle parenting is a one size fits all because it isn’t.
This helped me feel so valid!! Thank you ❤ last year our dynamic changed and so did my sons behavior. I found myself in a borderline abusive situation with my son because I didn’t know how to react to his anger. I knew my reaction was the reason his behavior escalated and this is the technique I began using. No emotions and in his room until calm. Thank you for posting this
Dr. Thomas nailed this. I've been in child dev't for 35+ years & now I tutor home educating children & their families. Most of the work is w/the parents & their lack of understanding & experience. Kids gravitate to me bc I build a stable trust w/respectful boundaries. Show your child love in healthy ways. Show them emotional regulation. Show your child boundaries w/ loving discipline. The goal is healthy attachment & expression, not indulging, avoiding, or training manipulation from a "lost" child. Guide. Model.
100%agree! I’m a teacher and I use your method. I always know when children get their way from throwing fits at home! Parents never ever let a fit thrower get their way from throwing fits! Your child will also do this at school and grow up thinking this is how they get things they want in life!
@@ashleyy8527 When the child throws the fit over whatever, I do not give them what they want. No I do not shut them up in a room! However, children learn at a very young age if they get what they want after throwing a fit, then if they want something all they need to do is to throw a fit because it worked before. They will continue this behavior as long as it gets them what they want. It also gets worse the older they get. As parents we have to teach them not to throw fits when they want something. I raised 3 children and I have taught hundreds. When my students bring this behavior to class, they learn the fit throwing is not the appropriate way to do things.
This is really really good advice!! Thank you so much I really needed it because my 2 year old throws tantrums and I instantly give her what she wants just to calm her down ( and also because I’m afraid of neighbors calling the police) but I know that is the worst thing I can possibly do. So I am DEFINITELY going to start your method.
I am so sorry you live in a place where you are afraid of the neighbors reaction. :-( I wish everyone could have neighbors who are supporters. Maybe get to know them? Sending love to you! ❤
Do It Now. If your child is manipulating you now- Trust me, when they're 12 and now bigger and stronger, it's gonna be hell. Professional Mom & Grandma here.
@@honeybeejourney yes definitely! Since watching this video I have come to the realization it’s ok for kids especially toddlers to cry and throw tantrums and I am no longer afraid of neighbors calling the police because I know I am the best mom I can be for my child and definitely no abuse in my household so I have nothing to worry about. My toddlers tantrums have gotten much better since I stopped giving her the upper hand and she is starting to understand that she is not able to manipulate and tantrum her way with anything she wants.
@@sarahgirard1405 so sorry I just saw your comment and replying so late! Thank you so much for the support it means a lot ❤️ so my neighbors aren’t exactly people I would want to get to know, they have an extremely toxic household and just very angry people in general who for example literally scream at other neighbors for a cat (who is so sweet and just exploring) being on their front lawn 🤦🏻♀️ as well as the police being at their house at least once a month for DV situations.
Hi Paul from NZ u are never forgotten 👋💕👍always praying for you and your family and friends and I hope ur new adventures are going great keep smiling 🤗
Love this. When my son was young, I did the same thing but this way. I put him in the bathroom, set a glass of water in there, and put in a pillow & blanket. That took away his excuses. Have to pee, need a drink. I'm tired. It was very effective for him.
How many hours did the poor kid have to stay in the bathroom that he needed something to drink and a blanket to sleep. Time out is usually one minute for each year and the parent stays close by. It is not over night with a glass of water and a blanket for the cold bathroom floor.
@brigittea5110 The poor kid? Our children's bedrooms are filled with toys! With books. Sending them off to have fun will only cause the behavior to continue. My bathroom floors are not cold, she mentioned a blanket and did not say a thing about leaving the child for hours.
Great advice! Giving a hug when they are throwing a fit has worked really well for me, just comfort them. Not spoil, no treats and stuff, just some love. If they don't quit, just ignore and it stops pretty fast. A great thing I found recently to prevent the fit from coming inside from playing outside, just tell them bye and go in. 5-10 seconds later they will be at the door begging to come in. Works every time, no more fits.
You’re the go to channel for my little one’s health advice, but this video has shook me a little. You’re teaching parents to show their kids: they are only accepted when they are ‘good/calm’, when they don’t have big feelings. Having no brain developed for emotional regulation at toddler age (i.e. not being able to actually control their emotions and calm down) and connection with a parent being a primary need: the child must adopt to your tactic by learning to shut down their emotions. Piling up those emotions within is what leads to disease and more pediatric visits.
He didn't say that at all. It was about figuring out how to deal with the child you love's behavior. What do you find appropriate for a just turned 4 year old who suddenly has started kicking his big sister and baby brother & sister?
Wow, great to know. I have a 5 year old so , but everyone says that my son acts completely different from when I am around and when I am not around. He acts like a big boy and mature when I am not around, but when I am around, he acts so babyish. But I realize I am possibly reinforcing his behaviour.
I always said when your ready to join the family come on out. From 2 years old. No hassle, do what you want, but we are here being a family. Always worked.
Remember, view experts as they are, moderately evolved primates. If behavior is an issue, make sure the cause isn't untreated adhd or some other mental health issue. Ignoring certain behaviors can be very detrimental to the long term health of a child and cause future problems in their adult life.
Thank you so much! I'm going to try this with our 6 year old. The way you framed it about energy makes so much sense. For the past 2 years she has become unbelievable with her tantrums because she learned she could just bang and stomp on the floor so the downstairs neighbors reports us for the noise. It has created so much anxiety and feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness in her father and myself as we had no choice but to give her our energy. We are moving out of the apartment into a house. I think we will be able to implement your techniques to regain control and sanity in our home! Thanks, again!
Wow, your daughter is something else. I hope you can move out soon into a house. Just imagine her reaction when she stomps and you can just ignore it ! She is not a bad kid , she just has developed some " inappropriate " behavior. She'll unlearn real quick. Kids want our attention more than most parents have time and energy. Adults can't play and cuddle all day. By throwing fits and stomping she gets your attention immediately. Usually the temper tantrums stop around age 4 , when kids have learned to express their feelings in words instead of in a tandrum. With older kids it is usually learned behavior. They know the adults will give in if they throw a fit. Give her all the attention , affection , TLC and love she needs and work with her on this behavior. Encourage her to express her feelings in words and letting of negative feelings in better ways. I used to pick up my daughter and place her on a soft sofa or been bag where she could let of steam by kicking and throwing herself on the sofa. It worked real well and the neighbors below did not complain about her kicking the floor above them. Good luck in your new home. Keep an eye on your husband , almost sounds like he is depressed . Talk to your daughter , talk together as a family.Have fun and laugh together.. Do fun things together as a family. Take walks together, play games at night , tell stories.....
I do this with my oldest daughter my Husband doesn't understand he grew up being spanked,yelled and silent treatment However when i grew up we had to speak about our feelings and sit down and understand why the other lashed out we communicated ALOT in my family so with my husband he has to train his mind to not repeat the same pattern he saw and he has even admitted that my way has made difference in our oldest daughter and he is glad to know our youngest daughter who is turning 1 will follow her sister and raising is set in stone of communication when everyone is calm and apologize if needed
@@phoebe3738 it teaches that if you are disobedient , do something bad/wrong there are consequences. They also have better character, are not spoils and know how to act.
@@jenniferromero571 No, it taught me as a child to be better about not getting caught and destroyed any connection with my parents. I am angry about it to this day. Out of natural tendency to do as my parents did, I spanked my child and realized quickly it only sent them into a long crying fit that caused them to not even remember why they were spanked. I stopped doing that fairly quickly and searched for better ways which I found with far, far better results. You do mindless spanking only because you are mimicking your parents because that's the easiest thing to do. The better thing to do is harder.
This was good. Love how you brought up how children change when father's get home. I noticed that too in my home a while back. It makes so much sense why
We'd love to see more of this line of Content ! Practical parenting tips and wisdom from your experience. Thank you so much for your encouraging work !!
I think this would work great! But Gabor Matè is an amazing mental health doctor and he says when you put a child in a room when they're having a tantrum, you show them you don't accept them when they aren't behaving well. So they learn to shut off their feelings and that their relationship with the parent is conditional and that they aren't excepted when they are upset. Gabor teaches to empathize with their child and connect with them. Validate their feelings and crouch down and look at them. Tell them why they can't do the thing they're getting so upset about and why. Then give them options on things they can do or have instead, to distract them. So I'm not sure if I want to try this. What are your thoughts on these 2 different ways to handle tantrums?
I agree with Gabor's ideas but when a very small child is in full-on tantrum mode and completely out of control, it is impossible to have any kind of discussion with them. I don't think there's anything wrong with quietly standing by and waiting for the child to calm down
You are looking younger and more fit. Good for you. Good advice I think. My asperger child had meltdowns, but we finally worked it out in her best interest.
This may work for a short amount of time but it really doesn’t do much! Sending your kid away to be alone will only teach them that whenever they’re having bad feelings they’re not wanted or welcomed by their family… instead we have to stay there with them calmly and validate their feelings, and teach them what to do and how to handle their feelings. Kids are not able to “think about what they did wrong” or “how to fix their behavior” on their own! They need us parents to teach them those things. And sending them away and ignoring them will only teach them that they’re unwanted and when they grow up they will want to keep all their negative feelings inside which can end up to anxiety and depression because we as parents ignored them all the time when they were at their lows!
We need to stop looking at children as if they were beautiful angels. They are not. They are beautiful human beings, and human beings are not perfect. Children can actually throw tantrums just because they like to have an audience or an opportunity to engage in attention-seeking behavior. Do you like adults who throw tantrums or arrogant adults who enjoy being the centre of attention? I love and enjoy children, and that's why I treat them as human beings. You can't just ignore the fact that the behaviour of children can be influenced by a combination of genetic and developmental factors, not just environmental influences. This is why sometimes, even with loving parents, some kids may be more aggressive or more dominant than others. And in these cases, a hug or showing understanding, comprehension and patience may not be enough. I have worked with mothers who are quite docile and their children end up dominating the relationship, and do you know what this causes in the long run? The child develops a narcissistic, egocentric and authoritarian personality. In reality, very few strategies for dealing with unwanted behaviour are negative. The question is whether they are implemented correctly. What do I mean by implemented correctly? I mean that it's important to consider the context and individual needs of your child. As with any behavioral strategy, it's essential to consider your child's individual needs, preferences, and temperament. It’s important to introduce and implement these strategies in a positive and supportive manner. Avoid them as a punishment
Dr Paul, I see some hope in this video. I have an almost 10 yr old boy and still crying, screaming, cussing when gets frustrated at his games and when there's ads on his games. At his age, in this normal. He disrespects me and scream at me but when he is calm he is a good boy. My emotions are from up and down in a matter of seconds or minutes because of this. The stress over this is real ..😢
my sis was misbehaving and my dad took her door away after she slammed it such a great video our parents where not our bff. they where the ones in charge made the rules not us coddling a child doesn’t teach them boundaries or the word no i bet you where an amazing father
I remember when I was a kid, time out would be getting sent to sit on the stairs, where many of my friends were sent to their bedrooms. A very interesting contrast given these factors. Something to keep in mind if and when I ever have kids of my own
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. But, During the Johnny Depp and Amber Herd case, Johnny D talked about how he stayed in the relationship with Amber, despite the physical abuse, is because his dad stayed in the abusive relationship with his mother. Which is why he never walked away. So, when my son throws a tantrum and hits me, I give him three chances calmly, and tell him that "you're hurting me, if you continue hitting me, I'm going to leave". So i go to the kitchen, close the safety gate. My son absolutely hates it. He cries and cries. I then talked to him and told him why I did this and how I felt. He understands and calms down considerably. I believe this teaches my son that he never should stay in an abusive situation. Try, and find a solution. If it doesn't work, leave. He will also realise that if he physically hurts his loved ones, they will leave him. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but the Johnny Depp case hit me HARD. I feel like I want to protect my children from future abuse, Almighty forbid.
I use to babysit for a mother who had lots of kids. She taught me a unique time-out technique that I have never seen before. If one of her kids was getting too rowdy or losing control, she would say "You are my shadow now". The child would have to stand beside her while she continued to wash dishes and followed her around the house while she did her chores. She just kept moving and they would follow her. For some reason the children calmed down quickly almost like being Mom's shadow for 15 mins gave them the redirection and comfort they needed before it turned into a full blown tantrum. It worked on her younger and older kids alike
My darling middle child! I could sense the “I hate you” coming when she was about 3 1/2. I talked to my mom about it. I had no idea how I was going to react and I was looking for ways to manage my reaction. Then it happened! Know what I did? I laughed! A genuine belly laugh! No sarcasm. I wasn’t being witty or manipulative. That was not the reaction she was expecting. She tried three or four more times to get the reaction. I finally told her she was welcome to hate me…in her room. I don’t think she ever said I hate you again, not even as a teenager.
I just had my second child. My first started being a holy terrorist. She was not actually having those emotions she just wanted my reactions. This has helped me thank you.
If the kids are acting out it's because they don't know how to process all that emotions that they feel. The best idea should be to help them understand those emotions so they could know how to process them now and later on when they are teenagers and adults. Time out teaches them exactly nothing positive just 'mommy loves you but only with your positive emotions, if you're having some struggles don't show them to mommy because you'll get time out'. Should we also time out adults who are having tantrums? Children are humans and they are having worse days as well like adults but they don't understand yet where from those negative emotions are coming. Time out will just teach them to hide them which brings nothing good later on in their life.
I was a bit weary of this video at first, because my parents used the "go to your room!" discipline as a way to basically neglect us. My dad said "If they're acting out to get attention they get no attention," but really anything from being a little loud to wanting to show them something to just being in the wrong place when they were frustrated or annoyed would result in us being shut in our rooms anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, multiple times a day, every day. And being locked alone in a room for more than an hour every day as a child can really mess with your mind, but honestly I don't think it was being locked in our rooms that was the traumatic part, it was that discipline wasn't based on what we did it was based on how the parents were feeling. They just didn't want to deal with us or our emotions. We didn't even misbehave or throw tantrums all that often, most people told my parents they wished they had such well behaved kids. But the result was one child who disassociated from everything and started doing drugs (he's better now), one child (me) who emotionally enmeshed with people so much she couldn't separate her thoughts and feelings from those of others (can't say no syndrome), and one child who became a manipulative narcissist who is obsessed with making anything she did someone else's fault. All of us are very good at zoning out for long periods of time, only two of us still speak to our parents, only one has completed college. One of us in a shut in and only one out of the three of us has a job. These consequences started showing up around college age and my parents were gobsmacked about what they did wrong until doctors really laid into them about it when two of us were hospitalized. They've apologized but the damage had already been done. I may not be comfortable with the put in a room thing after all that but I do appreciate and thank you for showing people a way to use it that doesn't lead to habitual neglect. Hopefully it will keep some parents out there from resorting to worse things. Also I love your videos, they've been very informative, so thank you :)
Well as the parent of a 140+ IQ I can tell you how we did it. My wife got real bad morning sickness and the only way she could distract herself was to read out loud - so for 8 months Stacey was hearing her mother reading books and my daughter came out kinda weird - She didn't eat books like other children did the read them
I usually love your stuff but I don't agree with a lot of this. All behavior is communication. A kid who is 3,4,5 years old is still developing impulse control. When a kid is overtired/overstimulated/not feeling connected, they will meltdown. I do agree with staying calm but I don't agree with ignoring/shutting a kid in a room who has lost all control of themselves. What message does that send? "You're having a hard time so I'm going to make you sort that out yourself and even if you're still upset, the quicker you stop being upset, the sooner you can have my love and help." I'm not on board. Every kid is different...some kids need to punch/hit a pillow or something soft, some need affection, some need to yell, etc. My daughter will sometimes scream but then she wants to be held/rocked and just let it all out. This has not increased the frequency of her meltdowns whatsoever. What it does do is tell her the adult in the situation(me) loves all of her even her big out of control emotions and I will help her work through them. I never give in to whatever the meltdown is about but do acknowledge her feelings. "You really wanted to play with that toy." "You feel left out when your sisters don't want to play with you." "You didn't want to do x, y or z." You mentioned training dogs. Yes, consistency for any parenting method is important but kids are not dogs. They have feelings and emotions they need to learn to work through not just learn to shut them off as quickly as possible to get love and attention.
This is good feedback. As a child psychologist and behavior specialist, I agree that we can’t expect a child of that age to regulate independently, especially if they don’t have the skills. Co-regulation is crucial. Once call enough to process information, that’s the time to talk about what to do next time. We as parents are helping to build connections between the frontal lobe and the parts of the brain that experience and express emotions.
Most kids can’t think rationally during a meltdown. My child would have to cry/rage for 30 minutes to get it out of his system. It didn’t matter if I did a “time in” where I sat with him or a “time out” where I left the room. It lasted the same amount of time regardless. Usually me staying in the room made the rage worst. Every kid is so different. You just have to try and see what works. The main point to Dr Paul’s message is that you don’t reinforce bad behavior with attention because kids don’t care if it’s the good kind of attention or bad kind, they just want your attention.
@@brookekasprzyk4850 having a meltdown isn't "bad behavior"...it's an inability to cope. I agree every kid is different. If it works for your kid to be alone and makes no difference if you help, by all means use Dr. Paul's method. I don't think his method should be a blanket approach for all kids though. Giving attention isn't a "reward." Giving in to the kid or allowing them to do something "wrong" would not be ok.
I do think, that dog training prepares you for raising children. I have worked in the psychoeducational field for most of my life. But only when I took a class in dog training, did I understand, what positiv reinforcement really meant. Ignoring bad behavior only works, if you really reward good behavior. It might look weird, if you stop in the middle of the store, go down to the eye level of your child and tell him or her, how very well she is behaving during the shopping trip, giving him or her little jobs, grabbing the spaghettis and being overjoyed, that you have such a great helper. We are used to pouting kids, annoyed parents and screaming episodes in the aisles. Don’t respond to bad behavior but actively respond to regular and adequate behavior by praising your child for it.
It's true my daughter goes wild around me... also I used to suck up my feelings a lot in sports, activities, school, but when I caught sight of my parents I would let all my feelings out crying etc... that's what my dad says.
This technique worked with every one of my kid's. After they were sent to their room, calmed themselves down, then i would go in and we would talk about why they were acting out. I swear that all my kid's grew out of this phase by 5 yrs old and I very rarely had to punish them after that. YES, kid's will always test their limits all the way to adulthood, but after they turned 4 or 5, all we had to do was give them the look or bust out the deeper, mean voice and they would straighten right up. I can't tell you how many times my husband and I would get told how well behaved and well mannered our kid's are.
This works, but I prefer to sit inside the room with them until they calm down. I may just be paranoid, but I'm afraid they'll learn to associate anger and sadness with isolation and abandonment. This might then encourage them to think of these vital emotions as "bad" and suppress rather than feel and process them. With that said, I believe how kids turn out depends more on the sum of all your parenting choices, so if doing this once or twice puts an end to tantrums and you're still loving and accepting of their emotions, I doubt it will do any damage...but things that are nothing to one person can still be traumatic for another, so just in case. I can still to this day recall comments made in passing that stabbed me in the heart as a child. Sometimes it's the little things that leave a mark.
No. Absolutely not. You suck it up and be the adult and hug that baby and share your energy with them. If they need your energy you give them that energy. They are not adults. They don’t know how to work through their emotions. Part of working through emotions is accepting them. Not shutting them down. Most adults don’t know how to work through emotions because we were taught to shut them down. Why are we expecting our kids to be born knowing how to handle emotions when we don’t even know how. Be there for your babies. Yes, take a moment to center yourself so you can show up for them, then SHOW UP for them. Don’t shut them out. Hold that baby. Hug that baby and GUiDE THAT BABY into learning how to be an adult who can manage their emotions and have a life free from emotional baggage and trauma. ❤ This just sounds so immature. I can’t imagine a grown adult parent standing on the other side of a door, holding it closed & shutting their child out while saying they can’t have access to you during their darkest, most loneliest moment when they need your guidance the most.
The problem with this is the system had gotten both parents slaving away during the day and when they are home they are exhausted. That's why the modern kids are the way they are in 2023. BTW, excellent video explaining the attention seeking little kids and drama they throw to see how much they can get away with.
I have a few questions with this method. Isn’t it important to acknowledge they’re feelings at some point and why they were put in time out? For example, if my son hits my other son, after time out when he’s calm, I want him to understand that behavior is not ok.
Glad I am not the only one doing this. I raised my nephews and nieces this way and now they are doctors and dentist. I used to put them in the bathroom and hold the door until they calm down and ready to apologize to me. Max time is 8mins. Very stubborn spoil niece. I once ask my oldest nephew when he was in high school, “what would you do with a naughty kid?” He said I would probably put them in the bathroom and hold the door until they calm down. He was 3 or 4 when I did that to him. Now when he needs some quiet, he goes to the restroom. It has become his quiet space. I was embarrassed to share this because I don’t want people to think I am abusing them but I never leave them and check in often just like you said. As soon as they get a little quiet and calm I open the door and ask if they are ready to apologize. Repeat until they do.
I hope you had their parents permission and they were on board. I’d be LIVID if my family member was conditioning my child like a dog while I wasn’t present.
This is a good technique for kids who are acting out because they want attention. But some kids are acting out for different reasons. At a grocery store, a kid may throw a fit because they can’t get a candy bar. They don’t want your attention in that situation; they want the candy. When i was a kid, my parents sent me to my room for things, and I didn’t mind at all because I just played with my toys. As a teen, I’d backtalk my parents, and I didn’t want their attention in that scenario either. I felt they were in the wrong, and being well behaved was giving them what they wanted, and I didn’t want to give them what they wanted. In fact, I just read a journal entry of mine from when I was 12. My parents were on my case because I didn’t finish my homework earlier and brought it in the car to work on it. Mom said, “I told you to do it earlier!” I said, “I DID do it earlier, but I didn’t finish cuz it was too long and hard!” My parents considered this back talk and told me to shut up. My mom threatened to slap me. I was so angry, I felt like lashing out physically, but I didn’t. Anyway, I didn’t want their attention in this situation. I wanted their understanding, and I felt that they should’ve been more appreciative of the fact that I was continuing to try to finish my HW instead of some kids who would just not bother doing it at all…. My own child doesn’t seek attention either. A lot of times she’s just being lazy and says “I don’t want to” when I ask her to do something. Sending her to her room wouldn’t matter to her, because that’d be another way she could get out of doing what I want her to do.
Your child is upset because they can't communicate their emotions and feel hurt and angry. So you leave them to suffer on their own until they suppress that emotion and put on a brave face, only then you show them love. I only love you when you are good =people pleaser for life. This is not safe to do when you are in public, not safe to walk away. You could just spend extra time and "energy " with them so you prevent that behaviour in the first place 😔
I think you’re missing the whole point of the video & he’s giving an example of what you could do you don’t have to close the door or put them in a room but if you want to feed the negatively charged emotion do what you see fit. It’s not going to correct the behavior outburst’s though.
@innakats6931 How many adult children do you that have completed training to do a skilled objective for a living? Kids learn to communicate later in age & yiur assuming a depth of cognitive function that doesn’t exist in them yet. First they need to learn to control their emotions so then they can be calm enough to talk/think coherently. If you teach them the world evolves around them and their antics then you’ll raise an entitled problem. It’s not ignoring them when they have a valid issue, it’s teaching them that peace gets them the attention they want.
From the beginning my partner and I both agreed on how to handle tantrums and negative behaviors should they arise with our daughter. we put a pack and play in our living room and she played in it until she was mobile and then it stayed up and stays up to this day for time outs. When she hits us, even if she is just playing, pack and play. Throwing her toys in a rage, pack and play. Having a meltdown because the wind is blowing the wrong way, pack and play. Biting, pack and play. Toddlers do not, I repeat, do not have the developed emotional capacity to be reasonable yet. Most of their decisions are extremely illogical and for her safety and ours, her pack and play is a great space to fuss, throw herself around, etc without getting hurt by furniture and our tile/ hardwood floors. She is turning three soon so we just started to incorporate the question “do you know why you are in here?” Usually she will answer correctly with something like “I give mommy the bites” or “I slapped daddy’s glasses off” which is the correct answer. Then we explain that it’s not nice and that it makes us sad and if she does it to others it would make them sad too. 100 percent of the time recently she says “ I’m sorry mommy/daddy” and here’s a tip: don’t reply with “it’s okay” because it isn’t. You say “ I forgive you but please don’t do (behavior) again” She is then not allowed to exit said pack and play until she asks in a calm tone “may I please get out” I am happy to report that this method absolutely works and her tantrums and time outs are maxed out at around 2-3 minutes and occur less and less because she knows if she calms down and apologizes and says may I please get out she will be done with her “time out” I feel like putting a toddler in her room alone is a bit excessive but if her negative behaviors continue into full blown adolescence she will absolutely go to her room to cool down. Anyone who says talking it out with an emotionally immature child mid tantrum is a good idea will not get through to their kids and end up being their emotional doormat in my humble opinion. All it takes is a few minutes to allow your kid to calm down in their room, where they feel safe and then go in there and try to talk. Do not try to figure out what’s going on with your kid when they are freshly raging as it leads nowhere. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Happy parenting 💕
Nope, the kid kicks & destroys the door & the wall simply because I’m being sweet & calling him buddy. The child needs to know I’m disappointed in the behavior . Be consistent in teaching the child that , that type of behavior is not tolerated & not acceptable. I ran a day care for over 10 years & the “ gentle “ parents were usually the lazy parents. The child needs consequences & consistency . The whole “ buddy” thing was the worst . It’s ok to let your child see disappointment . Remember the show The Nanny ? She almost had it nailed down. A child NEEDS to know the adult is in control . They feel safe knowing they will be “ corralled” & kept safe & that happens with strong parents that don’t give in to demands. If you tell a child they can choose when to end a situation that gives them control. They actually don’t want control , they are looking for security & that you’ll protect them by being the parent. Stand by your punishment . Don’t be sweet but be firm . A child should feel bad about bad behavior . Teach them don’t let them decide
How old would you recommend putting them in their bedroom and keeping the door closed? Also, how would you recommend we respond when a child (3-5 years old) completely disobeys and they don’t care if I ignore the behavior. For example I have a boundary that they are not to jump off the arm of the couch. So what happens if they do it when I’ve told the m not to? I don’t want to just ignore them or give them negative energy by getting onto them (sending them to time out) but they also aren’t throwing a tantrum). Thank you for your time! This was so good!!!
I think it’s much better if A) there’s a window in the door so they don’t feel abandoned and B) there’s a 2 minute sand timer they can see and every 2 minutes you open the door and ask them if they’re ready to come out. This means they know there’s an end in sight and they won’t panic. Children don’t have the same concept of time as us and they might feel they’re locked in for hours. You might need to tell them they’re not ready yet and reset the timer.
I used 1,2,3 Magic, it worked great. As he entered his teens I would send him to his room to cool down. I always said to him, I need a time out, so he had go to his room. And for certain offenses he got grounded. After a cooling down period, we discussed the issue again.
You need to do more videos of this kind, Dr.Paul. This is so useful! We truly miss Integrative Pediatrics and your care!
Yes thanks to Dr. Paul for his big heart and words.
My Grand mother taught me a version of this when my kids were little. When my youngest son was about 10 months-16 or 17 months old he would throw the biggest fits kicking and screaming and banging his head on the floor. My Grandmother saw it one time and me trying to stop him and after it was over she pulled me aside and said you know that any attention that you give to him while he is throwing a tantrum will only increase in volume and severity, no matter if the attention is positive or negative. But you can stop him by simply saying to him, ok if your going to throw a fit Im going in the other room or Im going to walk outside and as soon as you calm down Ill come back. So I tried it, and low and behold it worked! and within 2 months he was no longer throwing tantrums because it wasnt working for him any more. And when he finally stopped doing it I would tell him all the time that I was proud of him and I was happy that we could stay together because he was being so good. I promise you ladies, it does work. I didnt believe how fast it worked! And we were both so much happier for it, even though it was tuff to walk away at first. But even after the first time I did it, I noticed that the tantrum didnt last nearly as long as usual because noone was watching so it wasnt doing him any good! Yah for Grandmothers advice!!
But my 2 year old ends up vomiting and gagging upon doing this. Any advice will be appreciated
@@Priyanka-Vanya I think the No reaction face and then the distraction at a window would help calm the situation down. Once the child is cooler, lots of hugs and snuggles for the calm behavior. 🫶🏼
Grandmas know. They know. Listen to your elders, people.
What if the child follows you?
Doc. Paul, it's been 8 days that I watched this awesome video, and it has tremendously changed my 3.5 years old. It's just a week and he's so much calmer. God bless you doctor.
"As soon as you can be calm we can be together." I love that. You arent telling the kid they cannot have emotions, or disagree with you. Your simply enforcing that all communication must be respectful. You will only give your energy to respectful communication.
Dr Paul I saw a similar video of yours about 9 months ago and did this with my 2.5 year old. She was kicking us and other kids when things didn't go her way. It works! Withing less than 2 months she was waaaay calmer and much more happy 🙏 thank you!
Can you please link the video!! Thank you.
Parents need to understand that the tantrum/ ‘bad’ behavior is ALMOST ALWAYS the result a missed cue by the child from the parent.
If they’re hitting or trying to get your attention, give it to them, it in a positive way. Many, many issues kids give you is because there’s an unmet need going on there. Are they hungry, tired, overstimulated, feeling unloved, wet, thirsty, bored???? Just like an infant crying because they have a problem is a missed cue because you missed the 3 other ones they gave you first, this is no different with an older child as well.
If a child is figuring out that the tantrum gets them the most attention, it’s because you trained them to be that way because a child in their more natural sense of being, is not naturally manipulative like that. If they’re seeking those behaviors from you, give them what they want…or NEED, but in a more positive way!
It actually DOES matter what triggered it because instead of trying to train the child to be ‘less annoying’ the parent need to better retrain themselves to learn their child’s cues to meet their needs instead of forcing the child to conform to yours.
A child’s annoying behaviors trigger you for a reason and that is because they’re meant to get your attention. It’s an in born instinct we have. If we were out in the wild and a child relied on their parents for survival, making annoying sounds gets their attention. Their ‘annoying behaviors’ gets our attention so we can figure out what their needs are to need them. It sounds like an exhausting process, but raising children are far more complex than we believe! And it’s not their fault if we’re far too busy to meet all their needs. Contrary to what more parents believe, parents who are far more in tuned to their child’s needs and tend to them in a positive manner, have far LESS attached children as they get older, not more. The needy kids are the ones who are constantly going without their needs being met and those children turn out to be the neediest and whiniest adults out there who are the biggest attention seekers. Have you not noticed how this whole generation coming up now is full of them?! ‘Me, me, me, look at me!!!!’ Needing to feel like they’re the center of the universe and if they don’t have all eyes on them getting the most ‘likes’ they associate it with their self worth because those are things they’re still seeking in late childhood- adulthood all because they were raised by parents who were too busy, the most busiest ones ever being over worked, stressed out and tapped out!
All behavior is communication.
Awesome advice! We used something similar. Our teen (very newly teen) still uses the calm down corner. When he feels himself getting overwhelmed, upset, angry, frustrated...etc. he goes to the calm down corner to sit, for as long as he needs. Some times it is a minute. Sometimes it is 40 minutes. Whatever he needs. He knows he can trust a place that is quiet, no one will bother him to force him to 'get over it' faster, and there isn't a lot to stimulate him/distract him from working through his emotions. He suffers/suffered from REM Sleep Cycle Seizures. Those cause awful temper tantrums at ages kids usually are not throwing them anymore. (BTW, he was a dream toddler...zero fits, happy, emotionally well adjusted, but BAM 5 1/2 came and tantrums and fits like I had never seen.) The diagnosis came at 10 1/2. During that time, we stuck to what we knew...calming down and regulation. He shared a room with his brother so the Calm Down Corner was created. He knew why, he knew it was not a punishment when he was sent there, he knew he could use it freely as he needed it, but sometimes he would be sent there if he needed it. He used it freely. We used it to reenforce the calm behavior. It still works. He has hopefully outgrown his seizures (we have a test coming up to let us know if he will be done with treatment or he requires another year before we can consider it). But finding a way to calm down is a life skill. He is nearly done with the Calm Down Corner, I can tell. He regulates well without it. I am so thankful for it over the years. These phases pass. Teaching a good skill for life is truly a loving gift.
This is exactly what kids need with extreme behaviors.
Especially if you talk through and help them recognize their feelings afterwards.
And that bonding fun time instantly afterwards is super crucial so your child KNOWS you really do love them and want to be around them.
I worked with reactive attatchement t disorder kids that were extreme with a psychologist. This is in essence exactly what we had to do with these kids and teach the parents to do.
You have to be calm so they see that you are a safe, calm person.
And you HAVE to do the talking and fun bonding time afterward.
You will have more mentally stable, emotionally developing children with that even with extremely difficult children.
As parents, we should share our peace, not participate in their chaos! You are spot on with the energy. I got to a point where I was just too emotionally drained to strongly react to behaviors like that so I just calmly remove them from the environment and give myself space from their chaos. This approach has helped me stop yelling and helped them be more calm (I have two boys with a third on the way!)
Many people have strong opinions about parenting and gentle parenting but this is what has worked for me!
I'm happy for you! It really depends on the child. Sometimes you just gotta be stricter, without forgetting to be understanding and show them that you love them
Yes… this is so good! I didn’t understand this as a new parent, because it hadn’t been modeled to me. I’m so grateful that a family psychologist that had a radio program taught these principles. I learned so much from him. Thanks, Dr. Paul, for sharing what you know.
I love how "real world" your advice is! Thank you you answered my questions as soon as they came up in my mind 😊
So helpful! Thank you! A video about training older kids would be so helpful too!
I needed this! I work for 24-96 hours at a time outside of the home. My husband is a contractor and works around my work schedule. When I'm home it's so tough because I feel so guilty for being gone I have a hard time disciplining especially because I know what my son is after is the attention he deserves.. I'll definitely be trying this.
Isolating him more?? He wants your attention and affection, you're going to come home and isolate him after being gone all day if he acts out craving your attention?
Having a spare car seat in the room helps when the child is being a danger to others. Dr Paul didn’t recommend a timer but that’s what worked for us. Time out in the car seat for a few minutes and then went back in the room when the child is calm to have a very short, loving conversation about the behavior. Keep it short and simple.
This makes it an easy transition for being out in public too... because you can warn the child that he/she will go have time out in the car seat inside the actual car.
Having a threenager was very stressful. I am happy to report that after doing this for a few months, we were able to nix the car seat all together and just have quiet time on the bed to calm down.
It gets better, don’t give up on gentle parenting!
This is actually what I do to my 3 year old son. I put him in his crib in his room when he throws a fit and then I watch him on the monitor. I come back after a few minutes and he’ll be calm and would say sorry. Love all your videos. Thank you!!
As an early childhood specialists he IS ON POINT!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!
I came here to say the same!!! I'm not a specialist but a parent I use this method on my son and it works. He always comes out of his room and apologizes for his actions and we talk about it.
This is friggin gold!! God bless you Dr. Paul!!
So, your advice ‘out of love’ for the child as a parent/caregiver when it comes to dealing with a child’s emotions/tantrums is to isolate children by themselves in their moments of need when they’re essentially being an earache/inconvenience/ trigger to the adults... What an excellent way to teach children (who *surprisingly* aren’t fresh from the womb knowing how to regulate and understand their emotions, feelings and needs - who’d have thought it?!) that their feelings and needs are to be ignored and suppressed for them to be liked, loved and accepted. Being with a child during a tantrum is not pandering or enabling unfavorable behavior, as any healthy, balanced and self aware adult who has done the work on their OWN triggers and adverse experiences will understand. It’s the sheer projection from adults put onto kids that they are somehow master manipulators hell bent on domination that baffles me. Children want to feel seen, safe and accepted. Where the HELL do you think those big emotions go when a small child is put into a room on their own bc their caregiver is triggered by a tantrum or behavior that they deem to be difficult?
“WELP, that stopped their whining n screaming! It worked! Now, I, the adult feel much better !!🤡” congratulations, you’ve just taught that child that love and care is conditional and now as adults they haven’t the faintest idea how to understand, communicate, identify or regulate their emotions without crippling guilty, overwhelm or believing that they are 'bad' for experiencing feelings of upset, anger or fear when faced with real world issues that effect them.
Finally someone who understands psychological development of a child.
This doctor's advice is proven wrong and damaging several years ago. Parents, do your research.
@@Vaida88 I *really* was blown away by what he's said as someone apparently working regularly in a clinical setting with children and 'advising' their caregivers.. Hearing about his previous 'spanking'/'swatting' of his own son being replaced with yet another form of child mistreatment I was like nah no way, it's so damaging to be encouraging this sort of utterly child and society damaging nonsense to 1.56 followers. Agreed! Parents, do your own research and opt for the informed opinions of reputable, accredited, licensed child pyschologists, psychiatrists, therapists and the likes. Or at the very least any medical professional that doesn't promote mental, emotional abuse or neglect of children.
THIS
We need to stop looking at children as if they were beautiful angels. They are not. They are beautiful human beings, and human beings are not perfect. Children can actually throw tantrums just because they like to have an audience or an opportunity to engage in attention-seeking behavior. Do you like adults who throw tantrums or arrogant adults who enjoy being the centre of attention? I love and enjoy children, and that's why I treat them as human beings. You can't just ignore the fact that the behaviour of children can be influenced by a combination of genetic and developmental factors, not just environmental influences. This is why sometimes, even with loving parents, some kids may be more aggressive or more dominant than others. And in these cases, a hug or showing understanding, comprehension and patience may not be enough. I have worked with mothers who are quite docile and their children end up dominating the relationship, and do you know what this causes in the long run? The child develops a narcissistic, egocentric and authoritarian personality.
In reality, very few strategies for dealing with unwanted behaviour are negative. The question is whether they are implemented correctly. What do I mean by implemented correctly? I mean that it's important to consider the context and individual needs of your child. As with any behavioral strategy, it's essential to consider your child's individual needs, preferences, and temperament. It’s important to introduce and implement these strategies in a positive and supportive manner. Avoid them as a punishment
@@gerardo49078I agree with your statement more than all the others who are saying this is abusive in a sense. Every child does not respond to loving & gentle parenting the same. It doesn’t matter how gentle you are they take advantage children learn to manipulate in childhood period. I am speaking from experience with my 7 yr old son if i’m calm or in a rage in response to his behavior it downs not change the behavior in that moment. So thank you for speaking more in depth. With everyone thinking gentle parenting is a one size fits all because it isn’t.
This helped me feel so valid!! Thank you ❤ last year our dynamic changed and so did my sons behavior. I found myself in a borderline abusive situation with my son because I didn’t know how to react to his anger. I knew my reaction was the reason his behavior escalated and this is the technique I began using. No emotions and in his room until calm. Thank you for posting this
Dr. Thomas nailed this. I've been in child dev't for 35+ years & now I tutor home educating children & their families. Most of the work is w/the parents & their lack of understanding & experience.
Kids gravitate to me bc I build a stable trust w/respectful boundaries.
Show your child love in healthy ways. Show them emotional regulation. Show your child boundaries w/ loving discipline. The goal is healthy attachment & expression, not indulging, avoiding, or training manipulation from a "lost" child.
Guide. Model.
100%agree! I’m a teacher and I use your method. I always know when children get their way from throwing fits at home! Parents never ever let a fit thrower get their way from throwing fits! Your child will also do this at school and grow up thinking this is how they get things they want in life!
How do you use this method? Do you shut the child in the room? I really hope not.
@@ashleyy8527 When the child throws the fit over whatever, I do not give them what they want. No I do not shut them up in a room! However, children learn at a very young age if they get what they want after throwing a fit, then if they want something all they need to do is to throw a fit because it worked before. They will continue this behavior as long as it gets them what they want. It also gets worse the older they get. As parents we have to teach them not to throw fits when they want something. I raised 3 children and I have taught hundreds. When my students bring this behavior to class, they learn the fit throwing is not the appropriate way to do things.
@@sandidianna4303 oh i agree that children should not be given something when they throw a fit.
@@ashleyy8527 Listen to the doctor again. Again. He explains this. Did you hear him? Re-wind the video.
This is really really good advice!! Thank you so much I really needed it because my 2 year old throws tantrums and I instantly give her what she wants just to calm her down ( and also because I’m afraid of neighbors calling the police) but I know that is the worst thing I can possibly do. So I am DEFINITELY going to start your method.
Please do!
I am so sorry you live in a place where you are afraid of the neighbors reaction. :-( I wish everyone could have neighbors who are supporters. Maybe get to know them? Sending love to you! ❤
Do It Now. If your child is manipulating you now- Trust me, when they're 12 and now bigger and stronger, it's gonna be hell. Professional Mom & Grandma here.
@@honeybeejourney yes definitely! Since watching this video I have come to the realization it’s ok for kids especially toddlers to cry and throw tantrums and I am no longer afraid of neighbors calling the police because I know I am the best mom I can be for my child and definitely no abuse in my household so I have nothing to worry about. My toddlers tantrums have gotten much better since I stopped giving her the upper hand and she is starting to understand that she is not able to manipulate and tantrum her way with anything she wants.
@@sarahgirard1405 so sorry I just saw your comment and replying so late! Thank you so much for the support it means a lot ❤️ so my neighbors aren’t exactly people I would want to get to know, they have an extremely toxic household and just very angry people in general who for example literally scream at other neighbors for a cat (who is so sweet and just exploring) being on their front lawn 🤦🏻♀️ as well as the police being at their house at least once a month for DV situations.
Oh Dr. Paul! You came in just in time! My 3 year old SWEET BOY 😂 (most of the time) has started tantrums recently 😫 so excited you posted this!!!!!
Hi Paul from NZ u are never forgotten 👋💕👍always praying for you and your family and friends and I hope ur new adventures are going great keep smiling 🤗
Love this. When my son was young, I did the same thing but this way. I put him in the bathroom, set a glass of water in there, and put in a pillow & blanket. That took away his excuses. Have to pee, need a drink. I'm tired. It was very effective for him.
How many hours did the poor kid have to stay in the bathroom that he needed something to drink and a blanket to sleep. Time out is usually one minute for each year and the parent stays close by. It is not over night with a glass of water and a blanket for the cold bathroom floor.
@brigittea5110
The poor kid? Our children's bedrooms are filled with toys! With books. Sending them off to have fun will only cause the behavior to continue. My bathroom floors are not cold, she mentioned a blanket and did not say a thing about leaving the child for hours.
Greatest doctor ever ❤
Great advice!
Giving a hug when they are throwing a fit has worked really well for me, just comfort them.
Not spoil, no treats and stuff, just some love.
If they don't quit, just ignore and it stops pretty fast.
A great thing I found recently to prevent the fit from coming inside from playing outside, just tell them bye and go in. 5-10 seconds later they will be at the door begging to come in. Works every time, no more fits.
Oh My gosh Dr. Paul, thank you soooo much for sharing this, you are saving my life. Thank you!
Thank you Doctor Paul!!! It’s working 🤩🤩🤩🤩
The best Doctor in the world!!! We love you!!!!!
You’re the go to channel for my little one’s health advice, but this video has shook me a little. You’re teaching parents to show their kids: they are only accepted when they are ‘good/calm’, when they don’t have big feelings. Having no brain developed for emotional regulation at toddler age (i.e. not being able to actually control their emotions and calm down) and connection with a parent being a primary need: the child must adopt to your tactic by learning to shut down their emotions. Piling up those emotions within is what leads to disease and more pediatric visits.
He didn't say that at all. It was about figuring out how to deal with the child you love's behavior. What do you find appropriate for a just turned 4 year old who suddenly has started kicking his big sister and baby brother & sister?
Wow, great to know. I have a 5 year old so , but everyone says that my son acts completely different from when I am around and when I am not around. He acts like a big boy and mature when I am not around, but when I am around, he acts so babyish. But I realize I am possibly reinforcing his behaviour.
I always said when your ready to join the family come on out. From 2 years old. No hassle, do what you want, but we are here being a family. Always worked.
Remember, view experts as they are, moderately evolved primates. If behavior is an issue, make sure the cause isn't untreated adhd or some other mental health issue. Ignoring certain behaviors can be very detrimental to the long term health of a child and cause future problems in their adult life.
I wish you had a parenting book out! I don’t think I could do this without ya man. I’d have my babies at the doctor every other day
Thank you so much!
I'm going to try this with our 6 year old.
The way you framed it about energy makes so much sense.
For the past 2 years she has become unbelievable with her tantrums because she learned she could just bang and stomp on the floor so the downstairs neighbors reports us for the noise. It has created so much anxiety and feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness in her father and myself as we had no choice but to give her our energy.
We are moving out of the apartment into a house. I think we will be able to implement your techniques to regain control and sanity in our home!
Thanks, again!
Wow, your daughter is something else. I hope you can move out soon into a house. Just imagine her reaction when she stomps and you can just ignore it ! She is not a bad kid , she just has developed some " inappropriate " behavior. She'll unlearn real quick. Kids want our attention more than most parents have time and energy. Adults can't play and cuddle all day. By throwing fits and stomping she gets your attention immediately. Usually the temper tantrums stop around age 4 , when kids have learned to express their feelings in words instead of in a tandrum. With older kids it is usually learned behavior. They know the adults will give in if they throw a fit. Give her all the attention , affection , TLC and love she needs and work with her on this behavior. Encourage her to express her feelings in words and letting of negative feelings in better ways. I used to pick up my daughter and place her on a soft sofa or been bag where she could let of steam by kicking and throwing herself on the sofa. It worked real well and the neighbors below did not complain about her kicking the floor above them.
Good luck in your new home. Keep an eye on your husband , almost sounds like he is depressed . Talk to your daughter , talk together as a family.Have fun and laugh together.. Do fun things together as a family. Take walks together, play games at night , tell stories.....
Yaaaaay, Doctor Paul! So happy to see you!
I call it planned ignoring. Distraction helps too.
I'm one of nine. We never had any tantrums - my mother let it be known very quickly that she wouldn't put up with them.
I do this with my oldest daughter my Husband doesn't understand he grew up being spanked,yelled and silent treatment However when i grew up we had to speak about our feelings and sit down and understand why the other lashed out we communicated ALOT in my family so with my husband he has to train his mind to not repeat the same pattern he saw and he has even admitted that my way has made difference in our oldest daughter and he is glad to know our youngest daughter who is turning 1 will follow her sister and raising is set in stone of communication when everyone is calm and apologize if needed
Spanking is necessary. I agree with your husband.
@@jenniferromero571 no it really isn’t it teaches them nothing
@@phoebe3738 it teaches that if you are disobedient , do something bad/wrong there are consequences. They also have better character, are not spoils and know how to act.
@@jenniferromero571 No, it taught me as a child to be better about not getting caught and destroyed any connection with my parents. I am angry about it to this day. Out of natural tendency to do as my parents did, I spanked my child and realized quickly it only sent them into a long crying fit that caused them to not even remember why they were spanked. I stopped doing that fairly quickly and searched for better ways which I found with far, far better results. You do mindless spanking only because you are mimicking your parents because that's the easiest thing to do. The better thing to do is harder.
Spanking only in cases of rebellion. And be sure you wait until you are not emotionally charged
I feel like you always upload videos right when I need them!
This was good. Love how you brought up how children change when father's get home. I noticed that too in my home a while back. It makes so much sense why
We'd love to see more of this line of Content ! Practical parenting tips and wisdom from your experience. Thank you so much for your encouraging work !!
I think this would work great! But Gabor Matè is an amazing mental health doctor and he says when you put a child in a room when they're having a tantrum, you show them you don't accept them when they aren't behaving well. So they learn to shut off their feelings and that their relationship with the parent is conditional and that they aren't excepted when they are upset. Gabor teaches to empathize with their child and connect with them. Validate their feelings and crouch down and look at them. Tell them why they can't do the thing they're getting so upset about and why. Then give them options on things they can do or have instead, to distract them.
So I'm not sure if I want to try this.
What are your thoughts on these 2 different ways to handle tantrums?
I agree with Gabor's ideas but when a very small child is in full-on tantrum mode and completely out of control, it is impossible to have any kind of discussion with them. I don't think there's anything wrong with quietly standing by and waiting for the child to calm down
Love you, Dr Paul!
You are looking younger and more fit. Good for you. Good advice I think. My asperger child had meltdowns, but we finally worked it out in her best interest.
This may work for a short amount of time but it really doesn’t do much! Sending your kid away to be alone will only teach them that whenever they’re having bad feelings they’re not wanted or welcomed by their family… instead we have to stay there with them calmly and validate their feelings, and teach them what to do and how to handle their feelings. Kids are not able to “think about what they did wrong” or “how to fix their behavior” on their own! They need us parents to teach them those things. And sending them away and ignoring them will only teach them that they’re unwanted and when they grow up they will want to keep all their negative feelings inside which can end up to anxiety and depression because we as parents ignored them all the time when they were at their lows!
We need to stop looking at children as if they were beautiful angels. They are not. They are beautiful human beings, and human beings are not perfect. Children can actually throw tantrums just because they like to have an audience or an opportunity to engage in attention-seeking behavior. Do you like adults who throw tantrums or arrogant adults who enjoy being the centre of attention? I love and enjoy children, and that's why I treat them as human beings. You can't just ignore the fact that the behaviour of children can be influenced by a combination of genetic and developmental factors, not just environmental influences. This is why sometimes, even with loving parents, some kids may be more aggressive or more dominant than others. And in these cases, a hug or showing understanding, comprehension and patience may not be enough. I have worked with mothers who are quite docile and their children end up dominating the relationship, and do you know what this causes in the long run? The child develops a narcissistic, egocentric and authoritarian personality.
In reality, very few strategies for dealing with unwanted behaviour are negative. The question is whether they are implemented correctly. What do I mean by implemented correctly? I mean that it's important to consider the context and individual needs of your child. As with any behavioral strategy, it's essential to consider your child's individual needs, preferences, and temperament. It’s important to introduce and implement these strategies in a positive and supportive manner. Avoid them as a punishment
Dr Paul, I see some hope in this video. I have an almost 10 yr old boy and still crying, screaming, cussing when gets frustrated at his games and when there's ads on his games. At his age, in this normal. He disrespects me and scream at me but when he is calm he is a good boy. My emotions are from up and down in a matter of seconds or minutes because of this. The stress over this is real ..😢
This is beautiful thank you. I was so stressed out. I’m going to try this now.
Finally, one that works for me and to my 2yo. Thank you dr paul
Oh my gosh the cup drop is a great trick, perfect distraction!
This video has really helped me a lot! Thanks Doc we need more videos like this.
my sis was misbehaving and my dad took her door away after she slammed it such a great video our parents where not our bff. they where the ones in charge made the rules not us coddling a child doesn’t teach them boundaries or the word no i bet you where an amazing father
I remember when I was a kid, time out would be getting sent to sit on the stairs, where many of my friends were sent to their bedrooms. A very interesting contrast given these factors. Something to keep in mind if and when I ever have kids of my own
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. But, During the Johnny Depp and Amber Herd case, Johnny D talked about how he stayed in the relationship with Amber, despite the physical abuse, is because his dad stayed in the abusive relationship with his mother. Which is why he never walked away.
So, when my son throws a tantrum and hits me, I give him three chances calmly, and tell him that "you're hurting me, if you continue hitting me, I'm going to leave". So i go to the kitchen, close the safety gate. My son absolutely hates it. He cries and cries. I then talked to him and told him why I did this and how I felt. He understands and calms down considerably.
I believe this teaches my son that he never should stay in an abusive situation. Try, and find a solution. If it doesn't work, leave. He will also realise that if he physically hurts his loved ones, they will leave him.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but the Johnny Depp case hit me HARD. I feel like I want to protect my children from future abuse, Almighty forbid.
I use to babysit for a mother who had lots of kids. She taught me a unique time-out technique that I have never seen before. If one of her kids was getting too rowdy or losing control, she would say "You are my shadow now". The child would have to stand beside her while she continued to wash dishes and followed her around the house while she did her chores. She just kept moving and they would follow her. For some reason the children calmed down quickly almost like being Mom's shadow for 15 mins gave them the redirection and comfort they needed before it turned into a full blown tantrum. It worked on her younger and older kids alike
My darling middle child! I could sense the “I hate you” coming when she was about 3 1/2.
I talked to my mom about it. I had no idea how I was going to react and I was looking for ways to manage my reaction. Then it happened! Know what I did? I laughed! A genuine belly laugh! No sarcasm. I wasn’t being witty or manipulative. That was not the reaction she was expecting. She tried three or four more times to get the reaction. I finally told her she was welcome to hate me…in her room. I don’t think she ever said I hate you again, not even as a teenager.
I just had my second child. My first started being a holy terrorist. She was not actually having those emotions she just wanted my reactions. This has helped me thank you.
If the kids are acting out it's because they don't know how to process all that emotions that they feel. The best idea should be to help them understand those emotions so they could know how to process them now and later on when they are teenagers and adults. Time out teaches them exactly nothing positive just 'mommy loves you but only with your positive emotions, if you're having some struggles don't show them to mommy because you'll get time out'. Should we also time out adults who are having tantrums? Children are humans and they are having worse days as well like adults but they don't understand yet where from those negative emotions are coming. Time out will just teach them to hide them which brings nothing good later on in their life.
Dr,Paul This is so useful thank you 😀👍
I was a bit weary of this video at first, because my parents used the "go to your room!" discipline as a way to basically neglect us. My dad said "If they're acting out to get attention they get no attention," but really anything from being a little loud to wanting to show them something to just being in the wrong place when they were frustrated or annoyed would result in us being shut in our rooms anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, multiple times a day, every day. And being locked alone in a room for more than an hour every day as a child can really mess with your mind, but honestly I don't think it was being locked in our rooms that was the traumatic part, it was that discipline wasn't based on what we did it was based on how the parents were feeling. They just didn't want to deal with us or our emotions. We didn't even misbehave or throw tantrums all that often, most people told my parents they wished they had such well behaved kids.
But the result was one child who disassociated from everything and started doing drugs (he's better now), one child (me) who emotionally enmeshed with people so much she couldn't separate her thoughts and feelings from those of others (can't say no syndrome), and one child who became a manipulative narcissist who is obsessed with making anything she did someone else's fault. All of us are very good at zoning out for long periods of time, only two of us still speak to our parents, only one has completed college. One of us in a shut in and only one out of the three of us has a job. These consequences started showing up around college age and my parents were gobsmacked about what they did wrong until doctors really laid into them about it when two of us were hospitalized. They've apologized but the damage had already been done.
I may not be comfortable with the put in a room thing after all that but I do appreciate and thank you for showing people a way to use it that doesn't lead to habitual neglect. Hopefully it will keep some parents out there from resorting to worse things.
Also I love your videos, they've been very informative, so thank you :)
Well as the parent of a 140+ IQ I can tell you how we did it.
My wife got real bad morning sickness and the only way she could distract herself was to read out loud - so for 8 months Stacey was hearing her mother reading books and my daughter came out kinda weird - She didn't eat books like other children did the read them
Awesome video!!! Needed it so much!
Thank you so much! Going through that phase now with my toddler 😅
Loving your thoughts, Dr Paul! Keep this up!!!
I usually love your stuff but I don't agree with a lot of this. All behavior is communication. A kid who is 3,4,5 years old is still developing impulse control. When a kid is overtired/overstimulated/not feeling connected, they will meltdown. I do agree with staying calm but I don't agree with ignoring/shutting a kid in a room who has lost all control of themselves. What message does that send? "You're having a hard time so I'm going to make you sort that out yourself and even if you're still upset, the quicker you stop being upset, the sooner you can have my love and help." I'm not on board. Every kid is different...some kids need to punch/hit a pillow or something soft, some need affection, some need to yell, etc. My daughter will sometimes scream but then she wants to be held/rocked and just let it all out. This has not increased the frequency of her meltdowns whatsoever. What it does do is tell her the adult in the situation(me) loves all of her even her big out of control emotions and I will help her work through them. I never give in to whatever the meltdown is about but do acknowledge her feelings. "You really wanted to play with that toy." "You feel left out when your sisters don't want to play with you." "You didn't want to do x, y or z." You mentioned training dogs. Yes, consistency for any parenting method is important but kids are not dogs. They have feelings and emotions they need to learn to work through not just learn to shut them off as quickly as possible to get love and attention.
This is good feedback. As a child psychologist and behavior specialist, I agree that we can’t expect a child of that age to regulate independently, especially if they don’t have the skills. Co-regulation is crucial. Once call enough to process information, that’s the time to talk about what to do next time. We as parents are helping to build connections between the frontal lobe and the parts of the brain that experience and express emotions.
He addressed it with the spanking story - SOME kids can't control themselves and need a hug/support/co-regulation.
I don't agree with time out though.
Most kids can’t think rationally during a meltdown. My child would have to cry/rage for 30 minutes to get it out of his system. It didn’t matter if I did a “time in” where I sat with him or a “time out” where I left the room. It lasted the same amount of time regardless. Usually me staying in the room made the rage worst. Every kid is so different. You just have to try and see what works. The main point to Dr Paul’s message is that you don’t reinforce bad behavior with attention because kids don’t care if it’s the good kind of attention or bad kind, they just want your attention.
@@brookekasprzyk4850 having a meltdown isn't "bad behavior"...it's an inability to cope. I agree every kid is different. If it works for your kid to be alone and makes no difference if you help, by all means use Dr. Paul's method. I don't think his method should be a blanket approach for all kids though. Giving attention isn't a "reward." Giving in to the kid or allowing them to do something "wrong" would not be ok.
I do think, that dog training prepares you for raising children. I have worked in the psychoeducational field for most of my life. But only when I took a class in dog training, did I understand, what positiv reinforcement really meant. Ignoring bad behavior only works, if you really reward good behavior. It might look weird, if you stop in the middle of the store, go down to the eye level of your child and tell him or her, how very well she is behaving during the shopping trip, giving him or her little jobs, grabbing the spaghettis and being overjoyed, that you have such a great helper. We are used to pouting kids, annoyed parents and screaming episodes in the aisles. Don’t respond to bad behavior but actively respond to regular and adequate behavior by praising your child for it.
It's true my daughter goes wild around me... also I used to suck up my feelings a lot in sports, activities, school, but when I caught sight of my parents I would let all my feelings out crying etc... that's what my dad says.
This technique worked with every one of my kid's. After they were sent to their room, calmed themselves down, then i would go in and we would talk about why they were acting out. I swear that all my kid's grew out of this phase by 5 yrs old and I very rarely had to punish them after that. YES, kid's will always test their limits all the way to adulthood, but after they turned 4 or 5, all we had to do was give them the look or bust out the deeper, mean voice and they would straighten right up. I can't tell you how many times my husband and I would get told how well behaved and well mannered our kid's are.
DR. Thomas, so nice to see you here!!
Are you practicing in a clinic again?
I thought the College of Physicians made you shut down.
You are absolutely incredible and amazing i absolutely love and appreciate you so much
Love you doc,as far as I'm concerned,you are the best pediatrician in the world. Love u from Nigeria
time out is appropriate....BUT there also needs to be positive attention on a regular basis
Learned a lot from you in this video. Thank you so much.
This has 100% worked!!
This really helps! Thank you 🙏
Thank you! This totally makes sense.
This works, but I prefer to sit inside the room with them until they calm down. I may just be paranoid, but I'm afraid they'll learn to associate anger and sadness with isolation and abandonment. This might then encourage them to think of these vital emotions as "bad" and suppress rather than feel and process them. With that said, I believe how kids turn out depends more on the sum of all your parenting choices, so if doing this once or twice puts an end to tantrums and you're still loving and accepting of their emotions, I doubt it will do any damage...but things that are nothing to one person can still be traumatic for another, so just in case. I can still to this day recall comments made in passing that stabbed me in the heart as a child. Sometimes it's the little things that leave a mark.
No. Absolutely not. You suck it up and be the adult and hug that baby and share your energy with them. If they need your energy you give them that energy. They are not adults. They don’t know how to work through their emotions. Part of working through emotions is accepting them. Not shutting them down. Most adults don’t know how to work through emotions because we were taught to shut them down. Why are we expecting our kids to be born knowing how to handle emotions when we don’t even know how. Be there for your babies. Yes, take a moment to center yourself so you can show up for them, then SHOW UP for them. Don’t shut them out. Hold that baby. Hug that baby and GUiDE THAT BABY into learning how to be an adult who can manage their emotions and have a life free from emotional baggage and trauma. ❤ This just sounds so immature. I can’t imagine a grown adult parent standing on the other side of a door, holding it closed & shutting their child out while saying they can’t have access to you during their darkest, most loneliest moment when they need your guidance the most.
The problem with this is the system had gotten both parents slaving away during the day and when they are home they are exhausted. That's why the modern kids are the way they are in 2023.
BTW, excellent video explaining the attention seeking little kids and drama they throw to see how much they can get away with.
Wow this is amazing God bless you my son do every thing u said some time I just cried like a baby this is amazing solution I really appreciate
I have a few questions with this method. Isn’t it important to acknowledge they’re feelings at some point and why they were put in time out? For example, if my son hits my other son, after time out when he’s calm, I want him to understand that behavior is not ok.
Glad I am not the only one doing this. I raised my nephews and nieces this way and now they are doctors and dentist. I used to put them in the bathroom and hold the door until they calm down and ready to apologize to me. Max time is 8mins. Very stubborn spoil niece. I once ask my oldest nephew when he was in high school, “what would you do with a naughty kid?” He said I would probably put them in the bathroom and hold the door until they calm down. He was 3 or 4 when I did that to him. Now when he needs some quiet, he goes to the restroom. It has become his quiet space. I was embarrassed to share this because I don’t want people to think I am abusing them but I never leave them and check in often just like you said. As soon as they get a little quiet and calm I open the door and ask if they are ready to apologize. Repeat until they do.
I hope you had their parents permission and they were on board. I’d be LIVID if my family member was conditioning my child like a dog while I wasn’t present.
This is a good technique for kids who are acting out because they want attention. But some kids are acting out for different reasons. At a grocery store, a kid may throw a fit because they can’t get a candy bar. They don’t want your attention in that situation; they want the candy. When i was a kid, my parents sent me to my room for things, and I didn’t mind at all because I just played with my toys. As a teen, I’d backtalk my parents, and I didn’t want their attention in that scenario either. I felt they were in the wrong, and being well behaved was giving them what they wanted, and I didn’t want to give them what they wanted. In fact, I just read a journal entry of mine from when I was 12. My parents were on my case because I didn’t finish my homework earlier and brought it in the car to work on it. Mom said, “I told you to do it earlier!” I said, “I DID do it earlier, but I didn’t finish cuz it was too long and hard!” My parents considered this back talk and told me to shut up. My mom threatened to slap me. I was so angry, I felt like lashing out physically, but I didn’t. Anyway, I didn’t want their attention in this situation. I wanted their understanding, and I felt that they should’ve been more appreciative of the fact that I was continuing to try to finish my HW instead of some kids who would just not bother doing it at all…. My own child doesn’t seek attention either. A lot of times she’s just being lazy and says “I don’t want to” when I ask her to do something. Sending her to her room wouldn’t matter to her, because that’d be another way she could get out of doing what I want her to do.
He suggests this for tantrums specifically, not just acting out I think
This sounds more like a connection breeds cooperation kind of situation
Your child is upset because they can't communicate their emotions and feel hurt and angry. So you leave them to suffer on their own until they suppress that emotion and put on a brave face, only then you show them love. I only love you when you are good =people pleaser for life. This is not safe to do when you are in public, not safe to walk away. You could just spend extra time and "energy " with them so you prevent that behaviour in the first place 😔
I think you’re missing the whole point of the video & he’s giving an example of what you could do you don’t have to close the door or put them in a room but if you want to feed the negatively charged emotion do what you see fit. It’s not going to correct the behavior outburst’s though.
I think he means time out
But i actually like your comment. But everything is also different when the child is very impulsive
@rosameijering5161 Yep & some natural born personalities are different.
@innakats6931 How many adult children do you that have completed training to do a skilled objective for a living?
Kids learn to communicate later in age & yiur assuming a depth of cognitive function that doesn’t exist in them yet. First they need to learn to control their emotions so then they can be calm enough to talk/think coherently. If you teach them the world evolves around them and their antics then you’ll raise an entitled problem. It’s not ignoring them when they have a valid issue, it’s teaching them that peace gets them the attention they want.
Thank you for the advice! Best wishes from the UK 🇬🇧
I would love you to do a series of parenting videos from your experience!!!
From the beginning my partner and I both agreed on how to handle tantrums and negative behaviors should they arise with our daughter.
we put a pack and play in our living room and she played in it until she was mobile and then it stayed up and stays up to this day for time outs. When she hits us, even if she is just playing, pack and play. Throwing her toys in a rage, pack and play. Having a meltdown because the wind is blowing the wrong way, pack and play. Biting, pack and play.
Toddlers do not, I repeat, do not have the developed emotional capacity to be reasonable yet. Most of their decisions are extremely illogical and for her safety and ours, her pack and play is a great space to fuss, throw herself around, etc without getting hurt by furniture and our tile/ hardwood floors. She is turning three soon so we just started to incorporate the question “do you know why you are in here?” Usually she will answer correctly with something like “I give mommy the bites” or “I slapped daddy’s glasses off” which is the correct answer. Then we explain that it’s not nice and that it makes us sad and if she does it to others it would make them sad too. 100 percent of the time recently she says “ I’m sorry mommy/daddy” and here’s a tip: don’t reply with “it’s okay” because it isn’t. You say “ I forgive you but please don’t do (behavior) again” She is then not allowed to exit said pack and play until she asks in a calm tone “may I please get out”
I am happy to report that this method absolutely works and her tantrums and time outs are maxed out at around 2-3 minutes and occur less and less because she knows if she calms down and apologizes and says may I please get out she will be done with her “time out”
I feel like putting a toddler in her room alone is a bit excessive but if her negative behaviors continue into full blown adolescence she will absolutely go to her room to cool down.
Anyone who says talking it out with an emotionally immature child mid tantrum is a good idea will not get through to their kids and end up being their emotional doormat in my humble opinion.
All it takes is a few minutes to allow your kid to calm down in their room, where they feel safe and then go in there and try to talk. Do not try to figure out what’s going on with your kid when they are freshly raging as it leads nowhere.
Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Happy parenting 💕
Thank you for this!
This was so A+
I'm 59. I am in my room. And will happily go to my room and stay there! Lol
Nope, the kid kicks & destroys the door & the wall simply because I’m being sweet & calling him buddy. The child needs to know I’m disappointed in the behavior . Be consistent in teaching the child that , that type of behavior is not tolerated & not acceptable. I ran a day care for over 10 years & the “ gentle “ parents were usually the lazy parents. The child needs consequences & consistency . The whole “ buddy” thing was the worst . It’s ok to let your child see disappointment . Remember the show The Nanny ? She almost had it nailed down. A child NEEDS to know the adult is in control . They feel safe knowing they will be “ corralled” & kept safe & that happens with strong parents that don’t give in to demands. If you tell a child they can choose when to end a situation that gives them control. They actually don’t want control , they are looking for security & that you’ll protect them by being the parent. Stand by your punishment . Don’t be sweet but be firm . A child should feel bad about bad behavior . Teach them don’t let them decide
How old would you recommend putting them in their bedroom and keeping the door closed? Also, how would you recommend we respond when a child (3-5 years old) completely disobeys and they don’t care if I ignore the behavior. For example I have a boundary that they are not to jump off the arm of the couch. So what happens if they do it when I’ve told the m not to? I don’t want to just ignore them or give them negative energy by getting onto them (sending them to time out) but they also aren’t throwing a tantrum). Thank you for your time! This was so good!!!
I think it’s much better if A) there’s a window in the door so they don’t feel abandoned and B) there’s a 2 minute sand timer they can see and every 2 minutes you open the door and ask them if they’re ready to come out. This means they know there’s an end in sight and they won’t panic. Children don’t have the same concept of time as us and they might feel they’re locked in for hours.
You might need to tell them they’re not ready yet and reset the timer.
That was good something to help me out with grandson
My tantrums as a child were resolved with a belt!
That doesn't teach any communication skills
Gabor Mate said it best that "acting out" is the child acting out what they need since they weren't heard any other way
Thank you!
Iya of a 6 month old love to get refresher course!
Great video!
I used 1,2,3 Magic, it worked great. As he entered his teens I would send him to his room to cool down. I always said to him, I need a time out, so he had go to his room. And for certain offenses he got grounded. After a cooling down period, we discussed the issue again.