4 Ways Vulnerable Narcissism Can Destroy a Relationship
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- Опубліковано 4 тра 2024
- This video answers the question: How does vulnerable narcissism cause damage in romantic relationships? Support Dr. Grande on Patreon: / drgrande
Narcissism:
There are two types of narcissism: With grandiose narcissism we see characteristics like being extroverted, socially bold, self-confident, having a superficial charm, being resistant to criticism, and being callous and unemotional. Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by shame, anger, aggression, hypersensitivity, a tendency to be introverted, defensive, avoidant, anxious, depressed, socially awkward, and shy.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a Cluster B personality disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. It has nine symptom criteria, five of which are required for a diagnosis.
1: Grandiose sense of self-importance
2: Fantasies
3: Special or unique
4: Requires excessive admiration
5: Sense of entitlement
6: Manipulative
7: Lacks empathy for others
8: Often envious
9: Arrogant attitudes or behaviors
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: Author.
Holtzman, N. S., Vazire, S., & Mehl, M. R. (2010). Sounds like a narcissist: Behavioral manifestations of narcissism in everyday life. Journal of Research in Personality, 44(4), 478-484. doi:10.1016/j.jrp.2010.06.001
Vulnerable narcissists are dangerous. They don't come out and say, 'I'm a vulnerable narcissist.' They hide their trauma and they hide their intention to hurt you. If they were forthcoming about their intention, it would be like this: "I hate myself so much I am hollow inside and you are going to pay for that."
My son's father is like this. Our relationship didn't last because I couldn't understand him and he doesn't communicate. He did let me know that he had low self-esteem but I didn't know it was this bad. He's not actively involved in our 7 yr olds life at all. He jumped right into another relationship 2 week's after we broke up. His behavior makes since to me now, he's a vulnerable narcissist but so is my Mom.
that would be assuming they're self-aware. most of them aren't, and those who are self-aware are typically in therapy trying to recover
Kevin Hornbuckle that's such a great assessment of this circumstance. Bravo.
Cate7451 Thank you. And the caveat above, regarding the absence of intention, applies. They have intent to hurt you. But they don't have self awareness of the reason they do it.
Kyna Thomas So in a sense, your mom set you up to be targeted. Your 7 year-old probably does not feel lucky, but is in fact lucky to not be influenced by a narcissistic father.
"... he blamed himself, which was very congruent with the wife's position - she blamed him too" 😂😂
Amanda I bet Dr. Grande can think of such intelligent insults. Imagine him in a roast battle 😂
😂 GOLD!
Seems to represent the one narcissist type that is greater disposed to the rest of the pack...
It may have been a dead-pan statement, and sound hilarious in its absurdity, but honestly he said that because that actually is how narcissists think and how these relationships evolve. It's honestly quite tragic for the non-narcissistic partner.
End result. Lonely
Narcissists always seem to gain great satisfaction from dishing out 'revenge' for their own feelings of shame. Thanks for addressing covert narcissism, Dr. Grande.
Like mine was unsatisfied with her weight and job (none) and constantly complained I would attack her for that. Basically because there were no excuses for herself, I think (now afterwards).
"I'd like to learn ." - "Great, did you find a course you want to take to begin with?" - "We can't effort it." - "How much is it?" - "400$" - "That's no problem. Go, take it!" - "So you're saying I'm too lazy?!?" - "Never said that." - "You're *thinking* it!" - "No, I think you should take it if you want to, that's it. Or take a different one if you like. Or none. It's your decision." - "So you're not supporting me with that?!" - "I think I am supporting you. But you will have to do the learning if it's you who wants to learn something new. That I can't do for you." - "You know what? When you don't want to pay for it, I'll make my own money so you can't hinder me any more!" - °oO( Are we even speaking the same language? )
She never took that (or any other) course. Her public story: I've been lambasting her verbally while being chintzy so she couldn't. We even had a common bank account. Even if I *had* forbidden it (how could one grown up forbid another one to do something? Technically or morally?) she could just take it and go ahead.
Actually I'm only disappointed about the others who actually believed that telling 100% unfiltered.
It took me awhile to let go of my own pride and thinking who the heck is this person to do this to me, after I’d done everything I could to be loving and supportive. But just by going no contact and not reacting to the childish “revenge tactics” and then only to run into that person months later and completely ignore them...the shock/shame on that person’s face was priceless. Just being in a better place mentally and having the knowledge of vulnerable narcissism that I didn’t have before and avoiding getting sucked back in was priceless.
They are very vengeful
Yes It IS priceless. YeS.
It must be marvelous. And I wish I could know specifically Who harmed them, how and at what age! I wish I could see the incidents that formed this monster.
That’s fascinating
It’s an externalization of shame just like I think phobias are an externalization of fear onto an object that can be avoided in order to feel in control.
Discharging shame allows the person to feel better NOT because the other person is shamed but because the spotlight is off of the person who felt the shame
Four ways vulnerable narcissism damages relationships
1-Revenge for something partner did or might not have done-it doesn't matter
2-Active distrust (narcissist uses distrust as a weapon, as a challenge to partner's integrity)
3-No safe place to fall (cannot be vulnerable with your narcissist partner); narcissist expects 'service with a smile'
4-Accusations of being emotionally unavailable (from the narcissist when THEY created the cold environment); 'there never will be a connection'
Dr Grande, you eloquently described this relationship. I really appreciate your sharing of these videos.
Is a sentence for a crime you didn't comit.
I'm fascinated by narcissism videos in regards to relationships. I dated a narcissist in college and I underestimated her selfishness. She broke up with me because a family tragedy took my full attention away from her needs and instead of supporting me, she wanted out. Two months later she stalked me because I wouldn't take her back. I appreciate videos like these, because twenty two years later I'm still in awe of her entitlement. Thanks Dr. Grande!
Constable 1976 think yourself lucky you didn’t marry her. My life was almost destroyed by a Narcissist.
Yes! Absolutely! They will destroy a relationship than stalk the person who they pushed away. I know a woman who still stalking an ex husband 20 year's later. MIND BLOWING!!!!!!!
@@jenniferbailey5914 Yes! Thank God I learned from my mistake, I married a great girl who gave me a beautiful daughter.
@@kynathomas4809 Unbelievable! My ex contacted me through Facebook, but lost interest when I told her about my wife and newborn baby daughter. I can't believe you know of a guy who is still being stalked by his ex 20 years later, insane!
@@DBSG1976 Good for you for knowing when to let someone go and move on to someone who can actually be in I relationship.
The narcissist woman I know won't accept the fact that her ex is married because she doesn't want to accept the fact that she's the one that caused the break up ( cheated and had a child in the marriage). She still thinks that she's 25 yrs old and she has plenty of options , in reality she's close to 50 and has a past of mistreating other's and they eventually catch on and escape her.
"Narcissist expects Service with a smile"...nailed it right on the head there, Dr.
No safe place to land ... nailed it!! I thought I had an ally only to find years later I was just a lonely servant. Glad that’s over. Thank you for your analysis on the topic of narcissism.
Same here!
Me too
OMG that's me too - just getting out after 30 years, only realised a few days ago he's a vulnerable narcissist. Never ever a safe place to land, always felt I got no real emotion back from him despite his protestations of love. I tried to leave 3 times, but he hoovered me back twice, and tried a 3rd time but fortunately I was adamant it was over - he tried explaining how good it could be if we only tried harder this time but I said NO. Within a few weeks he's turned his attention to another woman after 30 years!
You have to laugh really.
Number 4: 💯.
I spent years trying to understand the disconnect. I knew what i was trying to do for her but she never seemed know i was doing anything but dropping the ball, falling short and failing. I repeatedly dissected myself for years to figure out why i wasn't "getting it."
The game changer was this one question.
"What will it take to make you happy, because nothing I've done has ever worked?"
She had no answer. Then I DID "get it."
The problem wasn't me, after all.
Same here man
Seems the vulnerable narcissist holds their spouse to an ideal that is unattainable, all the while, never trusting anyone. They discredit anyone who doesnt agree with them, and use false equivocation to do so. And they pick everyone around them apart with constant negativity, low emotional energy. It's draining. They silently demand your support, but refuse to support you in the same way. They have the hardest time energizing you, giving anything positive. Ultimately, it makes you angry, and then tired. I don't think it's a conscious process in the vulnerable narcissist. I think it's an emotional survival tactic hard wired due to early trauma. Is it treatable?
So accurate to my 20 yr experience
Someone whose need to blame you is so strong and so emotional that it overrides any rational thinking and any normal level of decency in how they relate to you is so toxic that nothing is going to work. Your relationship will get to the point where their blaming and their crazy behaviour is like a brick wall isolating them from you even if you're trying to be the very best human being you can be, even if you're trying to rise above it with the patience of a saint.
My father is a narcissist and my mother was a vulnerable narcissist- so you can only imagine how my life was. Also plagued by mental illness of other kinds. They finally divorced a year ago but this is exactly what their relationship was like. Both focused on their own needs just in different ways. Its really interesting. As for myself- I've come to terms I have ptsd. Happily, I am married and we have a son. Very healthy relationship.
How topical! I just got out of a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. He actually admitted to never loving me, so that honesty was refreshing
Did you meet him online, or did you know him before? Just curious- I wonder how much the rate of these types of relationships people find themselves in with covert narcissists has increased with the advent of online dating.
Glad you got out of that one.
Angie T You sure he didn’t say that just to spite you? The reality is they don’t know how to love in a healthy manner.
Alisha funny you ask that. sorry to butt in lol it’s just that I recently had a very similar experience, after an episode he almost always says that he lied to hurt me out of spite, but at this point I don’t know anymore.
Dr Grande you are a role model to me. Intelligent, well spoken, calm/collected, with a healthy dose of humor. You deserve a TV show, I don't know of any that focus on mental health. Maybe a show focused on the mental health of criminals rather than focusing on the crime itself. I think that would be interesting.
Now, in June of 2020, that's exactly what the public is wanting from government. Most criminals have some degree of mental health issues that jail and prison will never fix, only exacerbate, so that when they return to society, they will be even more of a problem for everyone including themselves. Addressing mental health and poverty would do more to reduce the need for law enforcement than all the guns, tasers, clubs and incarceration will ever accomplish. How is a just-released-from-prison person supposed to support themselves when no employer will ever hire an ex-convict in our society? There is no way other than illegal to survive for that ex-con; we made that inevitable as a society and then we complain when that ex-con re-offends. Duh!
I hope he does not do a TV show. If he were to, the quality would slip. TV is land of make-believe. It thrives on delusion and truth is its mortal enemy. Every human interest TV show employs deception.
@@kevinhornbuckle - Thank you; you saved me the bother of writing just that.
It would just give these nuts more ammo to manipulate, deviate and sharpen their non existent morals & skills.
@@kevinhornbuckle Hear, hear. This is a much better format than television.
'The relationship was designed' is so on point. And we all have expectations but they get so frustrated by any of our life joys and needs that they become a bold disruption in the end...still so sweet as they go out to find the next target.
Sadly I've borne the brunt of such a narcissists' wrath and lived to tell about it The upside is that he married someone else He's her problem now and my life is filled with blessings Living well is the best revenge Thanks for addressing this Dr G ☺
Me too. I’m so glad you got out. I was married to one for 29 years. He once smashed a window because it wouldn’t close and rain was coming in. So he just grabbed a hammer that I’d been using to hang a picture and had left on the dresser and smashed it all to hell. Glass everywhere and how did that fix the problem of the rain getting in? BUT it was completely my fault because I hadn’t put the hammer away.
And after so many years of it, I actually did feel guilty about it.
It’s a long process getting over the effects of living with someone like that. I’m glad you are doing well now! Enjoy every second of freedom! :)
@@judyives1832 Thank you I'm glad you got out after almost 30 yrs Two and a half was mercifully shorter for me What you described was identical to the types of things that I experienced He destroyed 95 percent of everything I owned including family heirlooms He just created a buttload of bad karma for himself We are stronger for this All is well ☺👍🎆
Same here.
@@judyives1832 It was your fault that he was violent? A child reasons like that if they're trying to wiggle out of admitting a wrongdoing.
@@judyives1832 Glad you got out! When one is out of the situation, it seems surreal that one could believe it was ones fault. It happened to me, I then blamed myself for blaming myself, gladly I got a good therapist and things are getting better, like a lot.
Well, after watching this I can finally get on my knees and THANK GOD I didn't marry my vulnerable narcissist fiance 20 years ago!
Narcissistic patterns: 1. Pattern of unprovoked shameful revenge. 2. Strategic concealment of emotions and true status for selfish motive. 3. False advertising to enable evil and then just before every exit from their one way street. 4. On that one way street everyone else is expected to anticipate their every need following #2 . & 3. 5. Shallow value system.
Very insightful and precise. Wow. Okay, and disturbing. 😉
Number four is such a difficult thing to articulate thank you it’s like they make all the decisions and yard on a street that just is going to take more from you So you spent all your time just trying to even feel like what street you want to go on matters
They don’t hesitate to make a decision behind your back and then unfortunately you’re just always playing defensive which is some thing with a negative object which is just to preserve whereas they take the offense of with a positive object to acquire
This video helped me see I'm not losing my mind. My husband has done all these behaviors. He creates a tense environment blames it on me and declares how untrustworthy I am. It used to hurt so much, thankfully with therapy I realized how untrue this was and that it isn't my fault. It's hard. He was in school just like your scenario when we got married...I had no idea he really would never be able to reciprocate anything emotional.
Have you considered leaving your husband? I split from my narcissistic wife when our son was three (he's 22 now). The freedom from the bitterness is wonderful. The air in my home is clear and healthy to breathe. You deserve peace.
@@kevinhornbuckle yes....I just applied for my own apartment today.... And I'm scared af!
CaramelfromKansas When you get past the fear hump (and you will), the freedom at the other side will be sweet.
@@kevinhornbuckle ,such feedback are highly appreciated 🙏🏼
My poem may resonate with you @CaramelfromKansas
🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸
Death by a thousand paper cuts,
The cruelest way to die,
Not murdered by a shotgun,
Veiled nerve gas, ever sly,
Incremental homicide,
Death that leaves no clues,
Even Sherlock’s left perplexed-
A narcissistic ruse-
Gaslighted without knowledge,
Thrown tumbling off your game,
A disingenuous rival,
Defacement without shame,
Second guessing always,
“Did my lover intend harm?”
Their efforts to re-escalate,
Are Futile to disarm.
Death by a thousand paper cuts,
Minute, (my-noot) but aching trauma,
Object and shout and call it out,
Ahhh there you go, “Such drama”,
Eggshells crunch beneath your feet,
Attach your thousandth filter,
Sift through the blame, “Let me explain....”
A battle you’re not built for,
Those cutting words, what did they mean?
Deceptive eyes avert you ,
The mind ablaze, an endless maze,
Of “I didn’t MEAN to “hurt” you,
“You’re broken and can’t help yourself,
If you act right….walk the line..
Perhaps we can move forward…”
Their “forgiveness”, so sublime,
And thus a surreptitious web,
Spins binding cords entrapping,
You’re in a war, but still unsure,
If any of it’s happening…
Death by a thousand paper cuts,
The slowest way to die,
Not murdered in blind passion,
Nor understanding why,
It’s murder in slow motion,
Don’t contemplate that gun,
Some sage advice to you, my friend?
Pack up your things
and RUN!
One of the first red flags I got from my ex-husband was how he changed talking about people depending on who he was talking to. Example: talking to his parents using Christian verbage, but an hour later talking to his anti-Christian friend how much he hates Christians, and a few days later talking to a pagan friend about how horrid anti-Christians and Christians are, and days later talking on his phone to his family using Christian language again. Worse, any deep and sensitive conversations lasted maybe 30 seconds before he broke in with a funny story or a dad joke and changed the subject. A few years after our divorce I asked him why. His answer: "You don't understand, I NEED them to approve of me." When Dr. Grande said that narcissists "that when he looks at the wall his wife has put up, it is not opaque, but transparent and there's nothing behind it. . . from an authenticity perspective the wife is hollow. . ." I FELT that. Deeply. I cannot count how many nights when I was married I cried myself to sleep thinking I was screwing things up and miserable for not understanding what was going on or being able to act like him and his family did and all "our" friends. (Turns out he'd quietly destroyed all relationships of mine that didn't serve him first.)
Wow your describing my first husband. He could not emotionally connect. Just tell jokes or pretend to be different people depending on who he was with. He was very selfish andxdid whatever he wanted. If i questioned him in anyway. Ie like could he be home for dinner or be with kids. he got angry. I wish id known what i do now.
That's really interesting what you say about once you realise they are hollow you can't ever see the image they projected again. I actually experienced this literally in a photo of my ex, out partying big smile and etc. I could see it was her and why people would think she looked happy but when I looked at that photo I could also see that this wasn't really the real her and her entire demeanour was just a facade. I can't really put it into words- I could see it was her, but I could also see that wasn't really her as well. Probably doesn't make sense the way I've described it.
It makes perfect sense. Another analogy, perhaps more apt: Is like watching an amateur magician perform all of their tricks over and over. Eventually you figure out the tricks. After that, all you can see is the performance, the misdirections, sleight of hand and contrivances. The trics cease to impress, even as an audience is being amazed by them. (Yes. I know someone.)
@@briant7265 the amateur magician analogy is the best description I've seen in a long time. For every occasional spectator it's captivating, for the magicians assistant it's pathetic.
z1ssou exactly!
Yes it does I have two photos with 5 mins and you would think it was the same person- I did tell her that I hated that she never considered my needs at a football game.... at half time it was all over))) you'll never see me again- I'm okay with that.
Makes total sense.
Idea: do a series of videos on cults, from extreme religious cults to personal improvement cults (EST/Forum, Scientology, NXIUM ....). The culmination of the series could be recommendations for parents how to get children out of dangerous cults. Thank you.
The Cult Diagnosis Series,,, ☺️😄😅😥
No more after school care and sports training kids, were joining the best cult in town,,,
@Elulzabeth Take a look at Telltale Atheist's Channel, a decade ago he got out of a cult, the (Jehovah's Witnesses) and has decided to study Cults and put information out on each one to help others determine what is a cult and what isn't (BITE Model). He's young but very knowledgeable and does have a couple videos about deprogramming and Street epistemology. Cheers!
@@blowitoutyourcunt7675 I suppose it takes some introspection to how enabling a model of your thoughts and feelings with that of external appeal.
Yes! Many of those cults would fall under the category of "LGATS," (Large Group Awareness Training seminars). That includes NXIVM, PSI, Landmark, and all their copycats.
They suck people in by selling "self-empowerment" seminars. They tick off all the Singer and Lifton criteria for 2nd generation thought-reform, and I have seen the cultic pyramid model in action, in one of those. They take findings from such experiments as the Stanford Prison Experiment, and use that information for nefarious purposes.
“No safe place to fall” is so evocative of my experience with a vulnerable narcissist. I wish I would have known about this personality disorder years ago. I appreciate your efforts to help people understand, so we can make better choices as to who we let in our lives.
I was just about to say that my ex- was not a vulnerable narcissist because he wasn’t revengeful, until I heard that yelling is a form of revenge. My ex, yelled, spit on my face, pushed me, ripped my clothes on my body- among other things, but I never thought this could be called revenge. wow
Wow, my ex would tell me “I don’t trust you”… And I would wonder why!
I knew someone who would seek revenge towards her husband by cooking extremely spicy food for him. The husband on the other hand would not complain because he wanted to appear strong.🤦🏻♀️😂
Thank you for the video Dr. Grande, no matter how many of your videos on Narcissism I watch, there is always something new to learn.
Hahaha, sounds like a joke about two narcissists .....lolol Rejane 😁😁
pocoeagle2 - I know right? 😂😂😂
The whole thing was just so pathetic, I was just speechless after listening to the story.
Great story...lol Love it. 🌼
Mrs. Reluctant 🤣🤣🤣
Mrs. Reluctant - Btw Esther, that was a marriage advice. I was 15 at the time and this woman tells me “ once you have a husband, if he misbehaves, that’s what you do.”😂
For around 5 years I have been so worried I may have vulnerable narcissism that I stopped pursuing intimate relationships all together, however after this video I finally have the catharsis that I can’t have a form of NPD. I honestly feel it’s the fact I’m about a point on the autism spectrum that’s created the issues with over analysing. Thank you so much Dr. Grande. Your videos really help us so much as community.
There are also other disorders, like BPD and such, that can mimic NPD. I kept questioning if I was one, too, but looking further into BPD, no, I don’t think I really have NPD. My parents do. Neither of them have ever sought therapy, and blame everyone else around them, while acting disgusting a lot.
@@sweetluvgurl bpd is more closely related to vulnerable narcissism, although not a perfectly strong match.
@@sydneyd2094 a person with BPD wants help - desperately - NPD doesnt want help at all - its your problem - otherwise they are VEry close behaviorally
That's interesting because at one point I had thought (hoped!) that my partner had Asperger's and not NPD. When I brought it up to my therapist I was told that Asperger's does not involve petty vindictiveness and contempt (like my ex displayed towards me). I had to face facts, difficult as it was. Good wishes to you!
@@kg4955 You can be tested for Autism by your doctor. Iam.
Grande gold
Every single one of these is my ex husband to a T. I still feel like I'm crazy sometimes due to the effects of the abuse.
This is my current husband. I'm so proud of you for leaving!
Me too. 6 years after getting out of my marriage, all the things he did to me scarred Me. Then when I finally stood up to him, he blamed me and told everyone I was crazy. He left a trail of destruction that I had to pick up and the pain and he moved on with a girl 12 years younger as if it was nothing. Then told me he resented me bc he never wanted to marry me.......the list of what he did is long and shocking. I did put up with it but only bc he would cry and tell me he’d never hit me again or cry and say he’d never cheat again or cry and say he loved me and our kids and that I was the only one who brought this side out in him. 😢 I still have no self esteem after years and years of counseling. If you notice any of these qualities. Get out!!! Do not stay for 15 years or you will lose yourself and never get you back.
If a husband truly wants to change is it possible?
@@CaramelfromKansas keep safe. Don't let him walk all over you, and make sure if you do leave, do it while he is not there, and without his knowledge.
@@rossheadley8565 if they truly want to, it's possible I'm sure. But it's most likely a hard habit to break, and takes them wanting the best for the spouse over wanting to keep the power.
Once you see behind the mask, there is nothing they can do. So they start the revenge (!?)
Crazy right ?
It is a lethal offense to see them who they are. This is the main reason narcissistic personality disorder is generally considered untreatable.
Omfg this is so spot on!!!!
This describes my experience with my ex so well with the analogy of the photo. I now know that his whole persona and what he says is completely hollow and devoid of any authenticity. It's been a painful but much needed wake up call for me, and I'm so much better off on my own.
Is it like a vulnerable narcissist to walk around and "sulk" and "act sad" constantly and then snap and switch to extreme anger towards you and tell you what they perceive you've done wrong when you ask what's bothering/saddening them?
I'd like to know that aswell.
It is at least indicative of poor relationship skills, possibly due to inexperience and immaturity, or the lack of healthy relationship models in this person's family. Hopefully this person is amenable to changing their behavior when you explain how it affects you and offer alternatives.
Yes, and eventually you realize that they'll simply invent a pretext for the purpose of justifying their rage upon you. I actually had a girlfriend say to me, "You are so unfailingly nice and polite. So you don't let me be who I really am." She was mad at me because it was hard for her to create a pretext. But eventually she did.
@@evelynwaugh4053 Thank you. I know for a fact that the person actually tried. It was a reversal of roles as this was the mother's behavior towards a child. The child continuously acted as the family's "counselor". Very sad.
@@kevinhornbuckle Wow. I see.
Do you think vulnerable narcissism will ever be recognized as an official personality disorder? Being raised by one destroyed my childhood and I still suffer the effects today, at 40.
R B Same, and I’m 35 years old.
38
46
Did you end up like your parent? It's very likely. The truth shall set you free. I'll admit, I was raised by one too and I became one. Now I'm fixing it. First step is to admit YOU have a problem. Take a hard look at yourself. Hardly a chance you didn't come out without some of those impulsive tendencies without realizing it. 95% is in the subconscious, 5% conscious.
Cycle of abuse is called a cycle for a reason. Really hope you aren't doing the same to your kids, if you have any. I for sure ended it as I'm not having kids, I wanna be better than my dad.
@@carnivoroussarah Can I ask how you became aware and what happened to you? I am now sharing a son with a CN and I want hi to have a good, happy life as best as possible.
I feel this to be a very rare insight into such a scenario. Thank you for exploring these avenues with us.
I just love you, you’re one of my favourite channels. All of your content is informative but much of it is also healing. Thank you so very much for sharing your mind with us!
Thank you very much for this video, Todd! Great work!
Excellent info and helpful, as always. Thanks Dr. Grande.😊
SO SPOT-ON, Dr. Grande 🎯!! U nailed it!! 👍
I live in Australia, and I always stay up to 11pm (that’s when Dr. Grande usually uploads - now) only so I can watch his videos. They’re so interesting and cool to hear accurate and genuinely unbiased information from a professional. I love learning about these mental health topics, especially in depth discussions about mood disorders, psychotic disorders and personality disorders because I’m going into nursing and then paramedicine soon - I feel like I’m really getting some good insight about possible mental health patients I may encounter and hopefully understand more about what patients may be experiencing and provide them quality care. Keep being awesome Dr. Grande!!
Wow cool ! It’s 9:30am where I am!
Zay- ellé oh wow! Where are you from? xx
Me too, but I changed time zones as a matter of congeniality.
Caught this episode fresh off the press too! 🐨🐀🦘🙏🖼
Robert Boyle haha Thats one of the best feelings catch a video early. And wow, hello fellow Aussie! 🦘 🐨 🕷🐍🌞
It's the feelings of intimacy.
Great to see things from the other side right!?!
Thank you for your daily dose of Grande. 🙏
Always insightful.
Another spot on description, in my humble pinion. We’ll done.
Example 2 and 4.... spot on. That was my life too long.
Thanks for ALL your videos, they really helped me so much.
You hit it out of the park this time Dr. Grande, literally that ball is gone!
Great analysis as always 💙
excellent! one of your best videos on narcissism.
Great video Dr Grande
This is a succinct and clear analysis of this topic; thank you, Dr. Grande! I’ve been on the receiving end of these interactions, and it wreaked such havoc in my mental health that I ended frustrated and confused, doubting my own reality. I walked away from the toxic relationship and I recovered myself and my mental health- and now I’m very happy to have access to resources such as your channel. This information is extremely valuable, helpful, and it does make a difference in the world.
This describes my last relationship so perfectly and succinctly. I'm fortunate to have "seen the picture change" within two months of cohabitation and ended things promptly after. Very interesting insight in all your videos, subscribed.
So well put. Thank you.
Spot on. I just wanted to say that there's more than 4 ways to skin a cat or to destroy the relationship. These narcs can be really creative, expectially when coupled with BPD.
I love your videos. And greatly appreciate the valuable information!!!
I have been grasping to understand the behaviors of my father from growing up to this day. This video captured his tendencies so well. Thank you for helping with a little breakthrough I just had.
I loved the way you described the picture of the mice. Once you know, you know and you can never see them as a bear again. It's so true!
Loved this video, Dr. Grande! Armed with this sort of information people could make wiser choices when seeking a partner. I didn’t know these things back when, but it sure would have saved much heartache. Getting out from under a narcissist is MUCH harder than avoiding one to start with. Been there, done that. A note to anyone raised by a narc: be especially careful before committing to a romantic relationship, because it’s easy to repeat history. A good therapist (maybe Dr. Grande??) could explain why this may happen.
I'm finding your videos on this topic very helpful. Thank you :)
I've been watching videos like this one because it's easier to accept criticism from a voice I trust more than others: your videos on narcissism are nuanced in ways many are not (ex. you don't sugarcoat symptoms or prognosis, but your resist generalization and are still recovery-optimistic) with the backing of education, research, and clinical experience. That makes it easier to trust your voice, for someone like me who is deeply distrustful.
I'm very aware both that my narcissism can cause serious problems for me and for others, and that one of those problems is that I can have impaired insight and an urealistic appraisal of my own strengths and weaknesses.
There are some aspects of descriptions in videos like this one that I don't feel relate strongly to my presentation, and some that I definitely recognize in my own motivations and behaviors. Hearing them, I have a series of little lightbulb moments where I hear things I've been struggling with (and sometimes also putting others through via my behavior toward them) articulated clearly, and that really helps me to crystallize those concepts so that I can move on to the next steps in problem-solving for them.
For that reason, I've developed a distinct appreciation for the information you present in videos like this one, as well as the way that you frame and deliver it. Hopefully, I'll be able to put it to efficient use in challenging my own cognitive distortions and modifying my own behavior. Thank you, Dr. Grande.
These topics on personality theory are my favourites. You really are skilled at shedding light on what could be openly shared concepts. I don't think personality should be judged as deficient or alien, and the more people know the more they can accept human nature and work on constructive solutions.
Your profile cases are fantastic for building your audience and I feel right now, it's very important your messages reach a very wide audience too. So that public recognition can help more people stay interested to learn from you. It's good to see your colours.
Amazing!! Thank you helping know that I’m not crazy!! The false image, Hollow, shallow explanation lacking any depth and inability to hold an adult conversation. That is an exact word for word description of her
Thought provoking, indeed!
Thank you Dr Grande..
🐛📚🦋
Thank you very much Dr. Grande! 50% Exactly my experience!
omg I am yelling out in agreement, the SHAME part around 1:30 - WOW this helps me understand SO MUCH
I learn so much watching your content! Thank you!
Great analogy in the image you can't see and then can't unsee!
Great job, Dr Grande! It’s as though you have x-ray vision... incredible insight.
Thank you so much for this and similar videos. You helped me gain an understanding of what was going on in my relationship with my ex-wife and helped me move towards closure.
Thank you. That was really interesting
Through education I've come to realize that I was and still am a vulnerable narcissist. This video brings me great sadness and feelings of shame and regret. For years I put some of the people I valued the most through absolute psychological hell. I had no idea why I acted that way and had no remote idea how to stop. My victims were the people who gave me everything while I reciprocated pure mayhem. After ruining multiple relationships with people I considered my world, I've given up. It's still a bit early, but I'm still not sure if facing the possibility that I will never have a "legitimate" relationship with someone is more painful than years of torment with inevitable failure.
I'm 25 and I've had two serious relationships in my life. I loved both of them to hell and back, but put them through unimaginable suffering. One of the things I still struggle with the most is my inability to articulate my feelings. To them, and justifiably so from their perspectives, they believe I didn't love them or care about them; the unfortunate truth is, mental illness prevented me from projecting how I truly felt, most likely as a defense mechanism.
Thank for you the amazing videos Dr. Todd. They've been eye opening.
Dr. Grande, I would love to hear a follow up on this regarding mitigation strategies on this issue for marriages and romantic relationships! This was excellent.
Thank you this helped me understand even more why my relationship went and inevitably ended the way it did. #2 and 4 described my ex to the T. Knowing this will give me a peace of mind and for that I am grateful.
You teach not preach which makes you so easy to listen to. Your videos make me think about some of my actions, motives in my life.Change is possible with Dr. Grande!
Your number three example reminds me of Betty Broderick's situation! Great examples to help me understand where I and my spouse are going off the rails! Each bit of info helps my understanding and mastery of the topic, thank you! Cheers Doc!
Mimicking depth is a very important component. My experience was that my ex partner very much mirrored me when I talked about important emotional ideas and experience. At the time I took it for empathy and understanding, but later saw he had just wanted me to believe he had depth, when nothing could be further from the truth. Thank you Dr Grande!
You make mental health easier for me to understand, easier for me to explain subjects to others, and less stigmatizing.
🆒👍
wow this hits it on the head; articulates my experience.
Thank you Dr.grande!
Wow. Just wow. That was dead on, exactly right. I'm in shock at how each and every detail you discussed or mentioned was my boyfriend to a T. I deem you the narcissist whisperer!
This was amazing...again.
Intresting video! I miss your case study presentations.
Thank you for another great analysis of the narc.! keep up the great work! last month we celebrated 300K and now your at 332K! way to go Doc! 1M on its way!
Just wanted it on record that its Sep 2023 & hes now at 1.35Mil subs
So anyone reading this let us know when he hits 2M+
These videos have enlightened me greatly about venerable narcissist abuse.
Talking politics with my dad for one of the first times, since realizing I deeply disagreed with his general stances, was enlightening. It was like that wall analogy you made, and how you can't see things the same way again once its true nature has been revealed to you. I used to regard his arguments in much higher esteem, because I believed I was not smart enough to counter with my own, and any contrary ideas I might have had were merely evidence of me being less informed, i.e. not spending hours of my free time listening to talk radio and/or watching cable news.
Funnily enough, I think one of the switches that were flipped in my mind were during the many times i listened to him describe what he thought was wrong with his computer, whenever he asked me for help. It made me realize that the level of confidence one expresses their ideas with does not necessarily relate to any level of the legitimacy of their ideas. In fact, I tend to think people, that use language that indicates that they are aware that there are many things they do not know, are more reliable sources of knowledge.
Thank you!
Hello doctor and all of you here 👋
Fantastic video 👏
Thanks, Dr. Grande 😃🇳🇱
It's bloody hot in Holland 🌞😰🌞
Have a nice day, everyone 👍🙌
Have an amazing day to you too mate! Sending good vibes from Australia 🇦🇺
@@ashleyiskindacringe9604 Aah,... thank you 👍🇳🇱
Sorry! Heat just broke here in Ohio, USA -- bring on the rain! 😁
@@tuck-brainwks-eutent-hidva1098 😁😁
Dr. Grande,
I love watching your videos. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, wisdom and humor!
I wrote this little poem one night a couple of years ago after years of dealing with the confusion and chaos of being in a relationship with a very narcissistic man.
🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸
Death by a thousand paper cuts,
The cruelest way to die,
Not murdered by a shotgun,
Veiled nerve gas, ever sly,
Incremental homicide,
Death that leaves no clues,
Even Sherlock’s left perplexed-
A narcissistic ruse-
Gaslighted without knowledge,
Thrown tumbling off your game,
A disingenuous rival,
Defacement without shame,
Second guessing always,
“Did my lover intend harm?”
Their efforts to re-escalate,
Are Futile to disarm.
Death by a thousand paper cuts,
Minute, (my-noot) but aching trauma,
Object and shout and call it out,
Ahhh there you go, “Such drama”,
Eggshells crunch beneath your feet,
Attach your thousandth filter,
Sift through the blame, “Let me explain....”
A battle you’re not built for,
Those cutting words, what did they mean?
Deceptive eyes avert you ,
The mind ablaze, an endless maze,
Of “I didn’t MEAN to “hurt” you,
“You’re broken and can’t help yourself,
If you act right….walk the line..
Perhaps we can move forward…”
Their “forgiveness”, so sublime,
And thus a surreptitious web,
Spins binding cords entrapping,
You’re in a war, but still unsure,
If any of it’s happening…
Death by a thousand paper cuts,
The slowest way to die,
Not murdered in blind passion,
Nor understanding why,
It’s murder in slow motion,
Don’t contemplate that gun,
Some sage advice to you, my friend?
Pack up your things
and RUN!
I'm happy you made it out. I've just come to the realization the girl I have been chasing & fawning over is a vulnerable Narcissist.
I've been searching for better ways to understand & how to step back & reaccess the relationship.
I use to write poems (well more so just rhymes without much structure lol) but I enjoyed your poem.
Took a screenshot because I'm sure I'll be coming back to it in the coming days as I try to pull back from this relationship. Will likely be reading it everytime she tries reaching out to remind myself to be strong so I don't get sucked back in.
Also reminded me that writing rhymes was a great way for me to vent & work through things. I think it's time I get back to that. So thank you for sharing you're story & poem.
@@danp1471 I wish you the best and hope you find a healthy person to enjoy your life with.
@ljdrake3053 You know what's sad. I had a good 2 days of ignoring when I commented the other day. I knew I couldn't let that go on forever so I finally responded acting indifferent. It hurt to do, but I thought I continue that for a couple days & it'll get easier.
The very next day (today) I kid you not. I was a sap & reached out. I just couldn't let it be. I didn't take my own advice about rereading your poem before doing so.
Sorry just had to get that off my chest because I can't believe I allowed myself to get drawn back in so easily. Maybe I should print a couple copies of the poem off to put on my wall so I'll be reminded of it daily. Lol One day at a time right.
Anyway thanks for the well wishes & I wish nothing but the best for you. Take care.
It blows my mind to hear that these patterns are shared so widely amongst narcissists from every culture and country across the world. However, it's refreshing to know that once you begin to learn and understand these patterns you can spot them from a mile away by tuning in to your own body as the warning bells start going off at each act of manipulation
This resonated with me. I was married for less than 18 months to a man I now believe was a vulnerable narcissist. His controlling behaviour, distrust of my intentions, and volatile emotions were exhausting - we once had a two-day fight about bread crumbs on the kitchen counter. He swore I left them there on purpose to torment him, didn’t I know he grew up in a broken home and needed order in his life, was I only trying to make him angry.... etc etc.
I grew up in a home that certainly wasn’t perfect but there was no day to day bickering or ugly words. I never learned how to “fight” with anyone. In my family I was an only child until almost a teenager and we had a lot of care, fun and enjoying each other’s company. I wasn’t encouraged to speak my mind or be direct about conflict, so when I got married, I don’t think I was equipped to deal with an older, louder and often raging man coming at me with brain twisting logic and manipulation.
With my ex husband, I just couldn’t handle the constant negativity. He took my reluctance to battle him as a character flaw and Pollyanna-Ish attitude on my part. But then after a while I started to react like a caged animal - I HAD to get him away from me. He would start going at me and I would scream right back at him. It was ugly and definitely not “me”. I didn’t like it at all.
He was also unreasonable about situations beyond my control that I believe any other person would have been understanding about - one time, I lost my job and had major unexpected expenses a few weeks prior to a month-long driving vacation we had scheduled. I suggested gently that we postpone for a few months because I literally didn’t have the money... bad idea. He went berserk and I eventually gave in. He couldn’t accept that sometimes there is a give and take - yes of course it was disappointing but that’s what happens. Next year maybe we postpone because he has a big work project that comes up... nope. Wouldn’t accept it and just pestered , hounded me relentlessly until I gave up. We ended up going on the trip anyway which gave me so much anxiety because I was putting all my expenses on my CC knowing I had zero cash to pay it off. It was so uncomfortable and my heart was really not in it.
Later that year we went on a pre-paid family wedding cruise. It was his family but my parents had joined us. Apparently they saw some bad behaviour on his part and didn’t like how he was always trying to get me alone and not hang out with them, even though we had invited them to join us on the cruise. It was weird and awkward for everyone. That’s when they really knew we were in trouble and were worried. My mother took me aside to say WTF is going on??
We got back and started going to a counsellor but it was absolute misery. He just fought with the counsellor and I cried the whole time. We tried two more but it was the same (by the way, marriage counsellor S suck - no one ever asked him tough questions and I always felt we were having stupid convos about crumbs on the counter, when frankly we should have been talking about the fact he thinks it was ok to literally stop talking to me for a week because I parked on the wrong side of the driveway or was late to meet him at the movies). They never raised issues about having common values or trying to accept the other’s point of view.
I moved out about 3 months later. Narrow escape. He called all my family members including my dad - enormous miscalculation, my dad would only be loyal to me and my mom, and had some choice words. He called my uncle who is a priest to rant about me breaking my marital vows. He emailed me for years and if I ever replied, the emails would be abusice and go on and on and on forever. I used to think he just didn’t understand why I felt like I did, so I would soooooo carefully and gently and diplomatically explain how we had crossed signals - never blaming, never accusatory. But he inevitably felt criticized and went on the attack. In writing or verbally. Exhausting. He “dropped in” to my new home for years after that until I moved away, telling me I needed to accept the damage I did and how horrible a person i am. Which btw I never did accept because even then I thought, this dude is nuts...
The marriage was over in early 2009, and while I haven’t thought too much about it, I’m only now realizing his narcissistic traits.
Yep. Lived under this for way too long. Clearly as someone who accepted this, responsibility lies in myself and why I even flocked or attracted this.
No victims only awareness and healing.
Get away from anyone abusive and learn how to create and recognize healthy relationships
Holy. All 4 of these yes, but the last one. I just experienced this a few months ago and it is so true!! I can't un see it! Its been helpful tho. I am now taking the steps I need to get free of this toxic boy.
Dr Grande, I enjoy your analysis on all of these topics. I was wondering if there were any disorders that align so closely to narcissism that the average person could easily mistake for narcism.
If so, I'd love to see a breakdown on that.
Wow…this explains a lot to me. My ex wife did all the stuff exactly like dr Grande said. I always knew she was a narcissistic person but I didn’t know about anything other than the grandiose narcissist. Thanks Dr. G…I’ve been trying to deal with this stuff for years.
I only let myself watch 1yt video a day and sometimes hope that Dr Grandes video won’t be the one which I have to watch. Today isn’t that day, great video as always !
1 white person video a day?
@@beatriceelizabeth9856 1 youtube video a day!!!!
Thanks!
I made him angry and a few weeks later I was taken to the hospital by ambulance. He was sent texts and messages by my daughter and he couldn't bother to call to see if I survived or not.
That was THE END.
I am very thankful Dr. Grande distinguishes between grandiose and vulnerable because I thought my partner was not a narcissist because he’s not grandiose.
A video with step by step on how to break up with this kind of narcissist would be helpful including what we can say to leave them in the best place to try to get them in treatment or to be a better person.
Been a year since this comment, but I'm in need of a video like that. Did you happen to come across any good ones related to breaking up with a vulnerable Narcissist?
Wow, you’re churning out content, Dr Grande! You haven’t stopped working - in fact, you could be working harder than ever! Some of us thrive when the rest of the world leaves us to it 😉❤️
I LOVE your name, Jemima -- DON'T change it, no matter who freaks out 😉....
TUCK - Hidden Values why would anyone...nevermind.
I thought today whilst listening to your video, how many such unfair relationships are out there. And i also think that on top of it many are 2 narcs together too. All about revenge and hurting, non comunication, no respect and last but not least no emphathy and this eith children. Wonderful examples, love all over the place.
¿How can we cure this decease? Specially by making it anti fashion at the first place. Society sustains does behaviors and worse. No good, i think.
Worse is when one is narc and the other an emphath.
Often, the emphaths take the blame. This is such a terrible scenery, it s so cruel.
Really emphaths, it s better to be alone than to remain in bad company. Believe me.
Thanks doctor Grande. U make everything so clear.
Spot on
I like even before I hear. 😊
Spot on as usual. Having been the victim of a vulnerable narcissist long ago, and now being married to a lovely man whose ex-wife is a vulnerable narcissist/borderline, you've hit every nail on the head. Thanks so much for posting these videos, they've helped me deal with painful memories from the past and more current issues that my husband and I now know how to handle. The core problem, in my opinion, is that vulnerable narcissists are self-destructive because as they strive to cover up their bad behaviour by blaming everyone close to them, they inevitably destroy those relationships that can offer them the most help and protection. They refuse to admit to their issues or seek therapy for them, and in the process shoot themselves in the foot every single time.
Spot on! 👌
Thank you, Dr. Grande, for your work about vulnerable narcissism. I think this particular topic is, for the most part, neglected within the mental health community. I'm interested in your take and information you've gathered regarding being raised by parents or primary caregivers who have vulnerable narcissism.
Wow, I have been trying to figure my damaged marriage out.
Thank you!
Very interesting!
#4 4 was the final months of my relationship in a nutshell, more succinctly explained than I ever could state it.
Better is open rebuke than secret love. 😅💜👍
I’ve seen cases where there is loud bantering back and forth ( you said this.....yes, but I really meant that....well I thought you meant that.....yes, I should have said that.....) but it all came back to *active trust* where individuals felt safe to disagree and be vulnerable. Good analysis, as always Dr. Grande. 🌿💜🌿
Yeah - most people do ok in that place, eh? Someone in the throes of divorce once warned of the dangers of stopping talking. He was right!
Canadian, eh? The talking and openness to truth must be in the interests in preserving the relation, clarifying, etc. There is difference between that and quarreling....quarrelling is small mindedness, taking on periferal problem...😇😀
@@billhildebrand5053 Agreed. Mapping out and resolving conflict so different than perpetuating it. No - no one Canadian, just, among both of us couples, 1 Asperger's, 1 avoidant, tired x2! 😅🙄