Being able to reassure yourself that you will be okay whether or not you are abandoned is some seriously powerful stuff. It won't be the first thing you think when you're lost in your abandonment feelings, but if you can talk yourself down eventually it's like an amazing revelation every time. When you're a kid, being abandoned is an unsolvable nightmare and we carry that with us. As an adult, we have an answer that we didn't used to have. We exist and are whole regardless of our stance in any relationship.
@@LJ-kn7oe Yes, I think it's a process that positively snowballs as we heal. Emotional regulation is a good first step that we can start to tolerate confronting these core issues more, and as we start understanding and resolving the core issues, we have less emotional upheavals to tolerate. :)
You're absolutely right! Learning to reassure ourselves is such a crucial part of personal growth. It’s amazing how those childhood fears can evolve into empowering insights as we mature.
This is powerful. As someone struggling with BPD and a long list of other things, this isn’t an easy realization. But my higher logical brain knows it’s true. The hurt still exists.
I came out of a 14 year relationship with someone who likely had BPD and I left with a lot of trauma from these exact things. It’s not only the person with BPD that needs treatment. Anyone who stays close to them also needs to be in therapy.
Thank you so much Dr Fox for this. At 53 years old, my BPD was quite quiescent, as long as I choose to remain single. Now, I just met a wonderful man, and the shear anxiety of the fear of rejection is overwhelming. My behavior towards him is okay; I have not been accusatory, etc. But the emotions inside me; sometimes I am so sad, so afraid to make a mistake and make him go away. He is kind, attentive, funny, caring. In the past I used to become physical quickly so as to ‘get ‘ the guy. Now we are taking out time and it is the way I wish it to be. But I feel like I am in a foreign country with no manual of instructions. I am afraid to loose this beautiful, budding relationship.
I have BPD as many of the watchers of your videos do; and I legitimately can't express my appreciation enough for you posting these videos to be free and accessible. You are very life changing Dr Fox
Dr. Fox i cant thank you enough. You have so much knowledge on BPD and its saving my relationship! I cant afford therapy so putting this out for free is amazing!
I wish you had dropped this yesterday, it would have calmed the impulsivity. I am in therapy, do mindfulness work, have a stable career , have a strong support system but I still struggle with my romantic relationships. I ruined a good thing going for myself; this person was kind, stable and emotionally mature. Not perfect, but a healthy person nonetheless. I'm sad and upset with myself because I do know better. Anyways, thank you for all that you do, I follow your work and I am very thankful for your commitment to educating the public.
Wow thank you so much for your comment. Almost cried there for a minute. It helps to have community here. It really feels so lonely to live like this. Stay strong.
I feel this as well! Not to minimize your struggles, but I really appreciate you sharing your struggle. It happens to the best of us, you aren’t alone. Coming from a borderline alcoholic 😉 I hope you find the strength to cope in a healthy way. Trust and believe you’ll thank YOURSELF later, and it will set you up better for a future relationship. I recommend journaling, it’s helped me. Or music, friendships, SAFE casual dates if it’s safe again, highlighting safe. Don’t let yourself not have fun but be honest and firm with yourself. Something I wish I had down at this stage of my life (23). Anyway. ❤
Thank you ☺️ I needed that reminder. We rarely had fun dates and he didn’t really plan them. I always craved light hearted dates. He mostly wanted to stay home. It wasn’t until I brought it up that he planned it.
I was diagnosed with BPD in 2019, and since then I had tried to take suicide attempts multiple times. I was hospitalised once (because of wrong medication, the doctor prescribed meds of Bipolar Disorder). Being from a country, where mental health issues are still a taboo and getting therapy is severely expensive- I have been seeking knowledge about BPD from open sources and a few Instagram communities. For the first time I came to know about this Splitting, Self-Sabotaging, Living in Constant Fear of Abandonment and I knew I wasn’t alone. A few years back, I came to find your UA-cam channel, and it felt like a life-support to a dying drowning person. I remember watching your videos endless times and crying my heart out, because it feels unreal when I am not the one- talking frenzy about these problems, It's coming from an external voice and which is not in my head. I have come to a point, where I have lost almost all my connections with people I cared and loved. And a very precious few remain. But the voice in my head would still not stop. It would still keep telling me, they don't like you. Everyone is interested to know you out of pity. (I know It's not true, I do have my beautiful sides) but how to stop the voice inside your brain? If it keeps saying a lie for 69844884488th time a day. You subconsciously start to believe it. And it feels so helpless when that voice takes control over me, and ruins my relationships. It's like you are a prisoner, and a monster who looks and sounds exactly like you- goes out and sabotages all your precious connections. It feels helpless. And then it feeds me an ideal situation - where it tells," in a perfect scenario, your love / friend/ family would not make you go through this. Wait for the perfect one." It is a very Sysiphus like journey, and thanks for reading the long message. I can still cop up with it because of videos like this. It reassures my suffering soul that - It's okay, you are not crazy. And and and....there might be hope.
Informative video! Thanks from someone who has spent 5 years in a relationship with a gf w/BPD. I never know who she is going to be from day to day. BPD appears to be a disorder that is extremely grounded on social dynamics and what other people are doing...an external locus of control...sorta at the mercy of all things external. That's a tough way to live.
I dated a guy with this and he was the sweetest most empathetic person who would go paranoid and super delusionally paranoid. Communication before feelings would help. They end up with PTSD. And they come off as narcissistic during their rages. What you won’t see with a narcissist in feelings and reflection and creativity you’ll see in the bpd. No one understands them and they’re scared to come out and be understood .. when they do they feel intense rejection. Peopel are mean so validating them is important but they do not trust the nicest people.
They definitely deserve love too. I agree they are very misunderstood. I do however believe they need to be responsible if they are aware that they have bpd and get treatment.
Your new bpd journal that just came out is amazing !! I love it. It’s my safe healing space. Thank you so much for doing everything you do. It truly helps me 🤍
Dr. Fox thank you for using analogies and using examples many people with borderline personality disorder get it after someone shows the consequences to them of what the situation is. I also hear some DBT skills as well.
Notes to self: Emotional Vulnerability ~9:00 explains a lot for me about December 24th, 2024 and recent times with it being hard to explain why its hard to be emotionally vulnerable compared to earlier in our relationship. This video is already amazing
Thank you for this. I've been with my partner for 15yrs this month, but it's been pretty rocky. Just little things make me think he is going to leave, but he never does. I don't know why, I'm not very nice sometimes. I'm glad he has researched bpd and understands why I think and do things like accuse him of cheating or rejecting me. I wish I was better at being a partner. I hope I can take your video and keep practicing.
After being brought upon a toxic house with 2 narcissistic parents then repeatedly getting into relationships with narcissists my whole life I had given up on ever wanting another relationship however 5 months ago I met a really incredible guy...I can really relate to your comment as I took struggle to trust and can get very triggered as my fear of abandonment and insecurities are causing me to be constantly hyper vigilance...he knew nothing about Bpd and cptsd until he met me but has been watching Dr foxs videos with me in the evenings and has said to me on numerous occasions that had he not have learnt everything he has from watching them then he would have probably walked away from our relationship , they've also taught him why I sometimes pushbl him away (my fear of being abandoned) because of these videos he has promised (and stuck to his promise) to never storm out or threaten to leave during arguments. I can't thank @DrDanielFox enough! Now he's not only saved my life but has also given me a chance to love and be loved And understood by ❤ All the best Hun x
Knowing that others think the way of splitting and devaluing anything good you do really helps to hear.its nice to know I am not alone even though I wouldn't wish bpd on anyone
My (posibly BPD) partner during our 2 year relationship told me that I am the one, that I would leave her. She would trigger me by saying that I should find a "normal" girlfriend". Well, at the end she left me 10+ times and I left her 0 times. Wild ride. I still love her and would agree to be together if she agreed to see a psychologist. Now it's like, one week she loves me, the other she hates me. Always in hopeless negative rumination mode about something with 0 accountability or desire to seek help. It's sad.
It sounds like you’ve been through an incredibly challenging experience. Relationships can be tough, especially when mental health issues are involved. It’s commendable that you still care for her and want her to seek help. Remember to prioritize your own well-being too.
@@DrDanielFox Thanks, I am seeing a therapist. Great videos. They help me understand the situation way better. I understand now where I could have triggered her and perhaps how some things could have been avoided. Pretty much every point you mentioned resonates with my situation. You are doing fantastic work here, man. Like putting together a puzzle from the pieces I (and many others) have in our heads.
Thank you, Doctor Fox. I’ve been watching your videos for a few months now and being marriage migrant with some BPD traits far away from home …it helps a lot to just stop for a second and take care of myself, breathe in and reassure that everything is okay 👌 and also everything can be rewired, just worth working on it, contributing to the healthy relationships 😊❤
I'm so glad to hear that my videos have been helpful for you! Taking time for yourself is so important, especially when navigating new challenges. Keep up the great work!
Im so glad I saw this video, im currently trying to be a better person as I ruined a relationship. Were not broken up but were in a break phase, because I kept "testing" him without even realizing it. I want to be good to him
It's great to hear that you're working on self-improvement! Recognizing the need for change is the first step, and I'm sure your efforts will make a positive impact on your relationship.
Why every time I watch these videos they make me cry? It really hits a nerve. I have been trying and trying to fix the problem with my husband but he constantly ignores me. He sits there and avoids me, makes out he's not listening to me which in return makes me think that I need to pack my bags and get out of here. My head is constantly packing it's bags and preparing to leave. I was diagnosed with BPD. I do test my husband, I do all the things that you mentioned and everything he does sets me off.
Do you think he's triggering you on purpose? I'm a female and I've been diagnosed with bpd which most of my relationships have been with emotionally abusive guys not saying your husband is but sometimes I feel like some of my partners have exploited my bpd symptoms and triggered me on purpose bc of their need to be abusive towards me that's why I've been working extra hard on my mental health because being bpd and being in relationships with abusive men is a disaster waiting to happen i wish you all the joy and happiness because you're worth it❤❤
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through such a tough time. Relationships can be incredibly challenging, especially with the added complexities of BPD. It’s important to seek support and communicate openly. You’re not alone in this!
My mom has bpd and has strong narcissistic traits. I feel a lot of these things- fear of abandonment or rejection, keeping my guard up almost always, wondering when the next bout of chaos will happen. She was the instigator of chaos in huge, traumatic ways while I was growing up. I stopped contact with her 4 years ago because she is so exploitative and domineering. Even now it takes a lot of effort to relax.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s important to recognize the impact that these relationships can have on our lives. Remember that prioritizing your well-being is essential.
I don't have BPD. I am a FP of my best friend who has BPD. This felt very validating for me. Coming off a conflict where their fear of abandonment started the maladaptive behaviors. They're currently resorting to assasinating my character. Makes me so sad.
I'm really glad to hear that you found this video validating. It's tough navigating these situations, especially when they involve someone you care about. Remember to take care of yourself too!
I used to watch these videos and feel inspired but now i feel broken because there's so much stuff to try to change it feels hopeless no matter how many products I buy.
@@OhGeeWillickersMisterhey man we’ve all felt overwhelmed. You’re no better. You’re watching this video too lol.. that being said stopping the victim mindset is hard. I would hit the books too. That’s a fine recommendation delivered in an ugly way
Don't give up I've felt like that too because it's alot to unpack but we have to start somewhere and finding out the information is part of the journey don't give up on yourself you're a beautiful person and the fact your making an effort is all you need you got this ❤️ keep going
Thank you so much Dr. Fox!!! This video has helped me so much I am so grateful 🙏🏼❤️ I just bought your flash cards on Amazon and would love in the future if you could make a book solely on bpd and relationships like this video I think it would help a lot of us so much. God Bless you!
I know people BPD are really struggling but try putting yourself in shoes of the victims, real connections ruined real love lost . You deserve love but recognize thats the same goes for your partner. As i said you deserve love just don't abuse it
It's important to acknowledge the feelings of both sides in relationships affected by BPD. Empathy and understanding can go a long way in healing and building stronger connections.
I didn't even realize I was doing some of these until I watched this- Thank you, I really want to be more continuous of my behavior goung forward because my relationship is so so important to me, might have just solved some of our tension 😅
While they tear u down n ruin their mental health i went back thinking i was older n understood more 3 years of tring im.a shell of who i was i regret it so much now i have a kid. Cant break free . I can't keep trying bpd got to want some help they get with ppl like me who give everything
OMG 😳 Dr Fox you have taught me so much about myself in these videos because I didn't realize I had BPD I still need to get diagnosed but hearing what you say and me looking at what happened in my marriage that's no longer there anymore because we got divorced at the beginning of the year it makes a lot of sense but the other problem was is my ex-husband has Asperger's and he didn't know how to deal with my issues and when he looked and saw that you could tell you I had BPD and I admitted it to myself that I didn't need diagnosed still think I need diagnosed to get help taking care of myself and I'm sorry this is a run-on sentence but anyhow thank you Dr Fox cuz you've been helping me a lot and learning how I am😊
Thank you for making me see me vs. the other person. I need reminding all the time to stop thinking the solution is outside if me. I get in denial about my trauma effects. Then I hear some if my traits and I think. Omg. I need help with me overcoming my wounds.
Well, I'm in psychotherapy with Dr. Maria V. Rivera Perez. She's specialized in BPD. She helped me understand my wife, who has BPD. Even though I am still getting divorced, it's funny the interaction with her now that I started to understand the emotions behind the insults. I love her as a person, but BPD destroyed the love as a husband that I had for her. I'm doing therapy to recover from this ride and to help my 3 years old twins in the future to understand their mother. Thank God we weren't living together during COVID-19 😂😂
It sounds like a tough situation. Communication can be so tricky sometimes, especially when it comes to compliments and reassurance. Finding the right balance is key!
I'm watching your videos to try and understand my hubby, who has Bipolar tendencies and some forms of autism. He's also Dyslexic - just discovered this year. It's a lot to deal with. He doesn't have the coping skills to understand ANY of this.
I have BPD and have had it for at least half a century. I have seven of the nine criteria,fear of abandonment is not one of them, I prefer to be alone, I can't stand humans.
I don't know what would've happened if I watched this video before I broke up with my eX but I am sure things could be different 😢Thank you so much for this ❤
This is so very important to me right now. I've been single for longer than I've had since ........ I was with a grandiose malignant narcissist. OMGGGGGG, it's TERRIFYING! (I'm planning on giving it a shot again.)
@@DrDanielFox Thank you so much! I've researched this disorder ever since I was diagnosed and with hard work with therapy (Practically an ARMY of therapists of different specialties working together on my mind). I am SO glad you responded to this comment because I needed to hear this again. Etching it into my mind as I take the relationship leap of faith again MUCH appreciated.
It is so hard to be understood, heard and seen in relationships and marriage. I have been married for 25 years and my husband still has trouble understanding me and often misinterprets my panic attacks as aggression but when you’re in the mists of a BPD episode it’s like you can’t find the words to describe or communicate because often I can’t figure out my own reaction to a trigger. In the end I blame it on myself with shame. This may sound strange but it’s safer to blame myself because by doing so, I am saving myself psychologically from the toxic shame and guilt imposed on myself if I hurt my husband feelings. I feel shame is terrifying to me in any relationship not just my husband so, by blaming myself I protect myself from hurting others because, I am petrified of hurting others because then the automatic ruminating racing thoughts attack me with core content about being a horrible person and that is so petrifying to me that I take responsibility often that I don’t deserve to avoid shame and guilt.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s incredibly brave to open up about such personal challenges, and it’s important to remember that communication takes time and patience, both with ourselves and our partners.
@@DrDanielFox - would you please consider doing a video on how abandonment affects those of us who are not in a romantic relationship and actively avoid being around people, please...especially when it comes to the fear of losing loved ones when they pass, such as family members, including beloved animals? I am 61 and spent my life terrified of my mother's passing, believing that I would never be able to live without her. Fortunately, I am a huge animal lover with a great sense of responsibility and adored my Malamute, so had to stay for her. In the 20+ yrs since, my Malamutes have been my constant companions and I adore them but the joy I receive is marred by a pervasive and constant fear of when I will lose them and I do my utmost to keep them as healthy and happy as possible. When other people have losses of loved one's or something terrible happens in the news, my fear of losing them becomes more intense. Can you please do a video on these sorts of things that aren't just related to human romantic relationships (I understand the majority have issues in that regard). Thank you kindly.
Is feeling sort of like you're in a waiting room when you're by yourself, is that a BPD thing? Like without other people around or something immediate coming up on your schedule, you're in a holding pattern?
I struggle with this one too. I’m not the doctor but I tend to think that’s the emptiness feeling intensifying by being alone. I work on it by having things to do whether it be cleaning my house, taking my dog out or trying new things until I find things I like to do which used to feel like a task in itself as nothing sounded like it would be enjoyable but in time I have found some things that occupy that time. I think walks in nature are really good. It felt like a chore and still does at times but I know it helps me. You’re not alone there 😊 Btw your description of that feeling was right on!! Never heard it put that way.
It's definitely a feeling that many people with BPD can relate to. That sense of being in a holding pattern can be tough, especially when you’re waiting for something to happen. You're not alone in this!
@@OhGeeWillickersMister holy cow I have never heard this description before but that is EXACTLY how I feel when I’m alone or honestly, when I’m not with my partner. It has gotten better recently because I was so miserable I finally forced myself to start doing things just for the sake of doing something I find meaningful even if that meaning is to pass the time. It keeps me out of my head !
I am older and my bpd is so bad right now. I am talking to a guy and in my mind I've turned him into a monster. He is not a monster but he has triggered me based on something I started which I resent him for letting me.
pretty sure my wife has bpd. she is currently in the process of being "diagnosed" with bipolar (basically the psychologist doesn't have availability for talk sessions, so they are just slinging meds at her...) lately, her disregulations have become much more frequent (to the point of it seeming like she is just stuck in zap out mode) I worry that its the bipolar meds, but its also coming up on the holidays and she stopped drinking (self medicating) about 5 months ago. she has pretty much spilt me to all bad, and its getting so hard to not take the bait on the pushing. when i try to vent to my support system, they tell me to get her removed or remove me and the kids, but i know she would never forgive me for it, especially right before christmas. im watching as many of you videos as i can to try and learn enough and make plans. the trouble is that anything i try to do in the way of showing her that what she is doing is damaging, she takes as me putting her down or being a narcissist. right now, i just hope i can ride this wave, and she doesnt fully drop out of her treatment.
It sounds like you're navigating a really tough situation. It’s important to take care of yourself and your kids while being supportive. Keep learning and reaching out for help; every bit of knowledge can make a difference.
I healed my core wounds and now i dropped the anchor of drugs. I understand that women who do drugs are not the women who are capable of long term relationships. So today is my day i begin the walk out of the Nothingness
It's inspiring to hear about your journey towards healing and growth. Dropping the anchor of drugs is a significant step, and I wish you all the best as you move forward!
When do you suggest is the best time to tell someone about BPD and how it impacts you in the beginning of a relationship? I am always afraid of scaring someone away.
It's important to communicate openly about BPD when you feel comfortable, usually after you've established some trust. It can help your partner understand your experiences and how they can support you.
I have problem with tone of voice. Unless my husband speaks in a loving, compassionate and tone when arguing ( I know it not logical 12:17 one’s made at you because your. BPD can drive away people you love most in the world. I don’t know where my fault begins and ends because I blame everything on my self in fear I will loose him although “ the Facts tell me he won’t because I been married for 25 years and my husband stuck by me throgh hospitalizations ect….. dr fox why isn’t that enough not to negate this. He isn’t perfect but he tries. Why isn’t that enough! I’m 50 And got married at 23. Why can’t I see the good because I don’t. It seems safer to feel rejected because It’s all I ever known not it’s 12 12reality but in my soul I know I’m self sabotaging to reject myself before he rejects me
It sounds like you're navigating some really complex feelings, and it's completely understandable to feel the way you do. Remember, communication is key in a relationship, and it’s great that you recognize the love and support your husband has shown over the years. Seeking professional help can also be beneficial as you work through these feelings.
I have bpd/cptsd whatever traits and so far I've never failed with reading emotions and predict abandonment and/or rejection. I've been 5 years in a relationship and i never felt that fear of abandonment, barely had arguments and you know why? Because this person really had serious intentions and didn't have doubts or planned to use and dump. I was the one eventually moving abroad and ending the relationship. This very long term totally stable and healthy relationship doesn't seem to align with the bpd lines. But i had relationships after that took me to into self harm and suicidal in way shorter term. You know why? Because these people really didnt have good intentions and just planed on using as temporary placeholder, lied about relationship when just wanted a fwb and these people are 'men'. That's why seems to be more bpd women because these bpd traits are just symptoms of all kinds of abuse by men.😊
Thank you for sharing your experience! It’s inspiring to hear about your long-term relationship and how it has positively impacted your journey. It sounds like you've gained valuable insights along the way.
11-14 min is how I feel right now dating a girl who have traits of bpd... it is draining, and I always feel attacked. I love her, and what can I do to help? Open communication, I've been on the receiving end and been trying but it's draining...
This is awesome! I wish you were to make a video like this where you don't mention BPD. Would be great to show this to a loved one with BPD.. thing is I don't want her to know that I know she has BPD. Most of this message would work without mentioning BPD right?
How do we communicate that we have BPD to a partner and how would they want to put up with this when there are so many other people who are "less complex"?
Dr daniel it’s actually harder than I thought not to split on you xD! Thank you for your amazing content 🤍 for the bpd community and individuals in general!
Empowerment? - I have seen 2 terrible outcomes of empowerment on BPD, when my (now) ex got it I faced escalation of abuse, physical agression and attempted murder. A friend had a story of severe escalation by empowerment as well, resulting almost in homelessness of the person with BPD but for a lifeline from the former partner.
I wasn't getting attention or affection from my ex of 8 years, so I turned my life upside down and fell for a man in the United States, and I live in Canada. I spent all my money on him and going to see him, and now my fiancss are cut off. He's not able to support me financially, so now I'm not able to go there and living with my mom. I made my situation harder by moving with toxic family now, not thinking things through. When I not intentionally started this, I was drinking alcohol and now I'm stuck. I can't afford therapy as I went through all my money.
It sounds like you’ve been through a really tough time. Remember, it’s okay to seek support from friends or community resources. You deserve to find happiness and healing.
@DrDanielFox Thank you, Dr. Fox. I don't really have friends that I hang out with, I've been going to AA groups some nights, so I don't start drinking again, but I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone there to tell everything. It's hard to find support I find..
Yes 2 days ago my boyfriend's face was different and I assume the worst and thought he dont love me anymore and my spitting happened and ...well...that ended badly...I felt so bad after I'm calm and it took me 2 days to recover and I start feeling depressed
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Relationships can be tough, and it's completely normal to have those moments of doubt. Remember to communicate with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling.
Ive not long been diagnosed with bpd and it feels like the world had fallen though. At first i felt refief as she listed the criteria and for the first time i felt justified in why the past 8 years have been so difficult. Then came the but. Apparently dbt helps best but its been difficult to find and meds dont help. Discharged to gp who then said it was "out of depth." right now feels like ive been drowning and waiting for rescue just for them to show up and say "yep its difficult that, good luck with the swim back to shore" how can this be the most treatable?
Dr Fox My amazing partner of 6 1/2 yrs has ‘split’ 3 x for the last 3 yrs. Each time it is a Sudden Discard:’ I’m Done!’ He’s cruel and says he doesn’t love me (when days before he sweetly said he did) Stonewalls Blocks - no fight prior, no explanation no closures. The last time was 1 month ago - 1 week later he was seen out by my friends with someone else. Idk if he’s bpd or narcissistic. I’m 63 I love him deeply but my own self esteem and life takes such a hit that I’m at a loss Should I reach out? Should I let him go? Should I move away so I can simply begin again? Heavy hurt Heartbroken and confused
It sounds like you're going through an incredibly tough time. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being. Take some time to reflect on what you truly want and deserve in a relationship. You deserve happiness!
@@DrDanielFoxI am working on focusing on just that. Does his behavior sound more like avoidant, bpd or narcissistic? Should I reach out or move away completely. I can honestly say that 95% of our relationship is amazing - but then he splits when things are going well or future plans come to the table. ‘Comfort in chaos’ makes complete sense. I fear his ‘tests’ keep pulling me down (3rd time in 3 yrs) This time I moved all of my things out of the house. I’ve gone silent He’s dating. Telling our friends and family he’s not interested. I am making efforts to move out of state But deeply love him. Such a horrible situation at my age.
It's definitely a complicated situation. Trust and honesty are crucial in any relationship, especially when dealing with mental health challenges like BPD. Open communication can help navigate these issues.
You're right! Disorganized attachment definitely plays a significant role in how relationships are affected. It's important to understand these dynamics to foster healthier connections.
@@DrDanielFoxthank you for the reply . Do you feel there is a difference between the two or do they both consist of the same thing yet bpd just takes it all to another level ?
Dr. Your great and everything, but I must say. The very things you talk about (testing the viewers to getting activated into possible threats around the corner, the amygdala getting hyperaroused, etc.) because your darn video production! Just listen to your tone, the in out out zooming, the alarmism - I'm stressed out and want to call 911. For sure I'll call you up for therapy...
People with BPD misunderstand neutral expressions - that's interesting because when I look at your face during this video I think you look angry and annoyed. 😂 . I guess I do that
It's fascinating how perception can vary so much! Neutral expressions can definitely be interpreted in different ways, especially in the context of BPD. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Videos like this don't treat BPD, and they don't create more favorable conditions for the improvement of BPD symptoms. Videos like this create an atmosphere where lay people attempt to engage in pseudo-diagnosis of relationships partners. If you think you might have symptoms consistent with BPD, immediately stop watching this video, and seek out therapy with a practitioner who has a strong foundation in addressing BPD and C-PTSD. Videos like this are not a solution to treat or even identify/address symptoms that can be overwhelming and excruciating.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment! It's important to emphasize that videos like this are meant for awareness and discussion, but professional help is always the best option for those struggling with BPD. Also, we aware that many people cannot access the help they need and get benefit form videos like this for insight awareness.
OMG boom 🎉😮 Thank you Dr Fox. So many realisation moments in this video. I sent this text to my partner, along with the video - “Thank you for working with me last night and allowing me to be part of your infidelity trauma recovery & healing journey. ❤️ I’m sorry that I never understood all this BPD stuff. So many therapists were giving me opposite advice. 😢 I’m sad that the abandonment feeling I was frequently slipping into, when I spent extended time working away interstate, away from you was actually Jealously. My bravado would always come over the top and disguise 🥸 my feelings and try and protect me in the same way it started to do back when I was 12 and hurting like a motherfucker when my mother died and no one really wanted to take and look after an extremely damaged young man on the inside. I realise now that what I was really wanting to do was spend more time around you and not work away so much. ♥️ I’m also sorry that I have tried to control you all through our relationship and effectively “squashed and controlled the duckling” ( reference in the video I sent ). I love you but I understand that you may never be able to forgive me either. I love you my little duckling heart❤ and I guess I just need to complete more work on these BPD maladaptive behaviours and trust you that you will do what is right for you too.”
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us! It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge these feelings and work through them. Wishing you and your partner all the best in this healing process.
Being able to reassure yourself that you will be okay whether or not you are abandoned is some seriously powerful stuff. It won't be the first thing you think when you're lost in your abandonment feelings, but if you can talk yourself down eventually it's like an amazing revelation every time. When you're a kid, being abandoned is an unsolvable nightmare and we carry that with us. As an adult, we have an answer that we didn't used to have. We exist and are whole regardless of our stance in any relationship.
@@LJ-kn7oe Yes, I think it's a process that positively snowballs as we heal. Emotional regulation is a good first step that we can start to tolerate confronting these core issues more, and as we start understanding and resolving the core issues, we have less emotional upheavals to tolerate. :)
You're absolutely right! Learning to reassure ourselves is such a crucial part of personal growth. It’s amazing how those childhood fears can evolve into empowering insights as we mature.
@@DrDanielFox ❤️
@katieg7679 love this
This is powerful. As someone struggling with BPD and a long list of other things, this isn’t an easy realization. But my higher logical brain knows it’s true. The hurt still exists.
I’ve never felt more understood in my life than listening to this right now.
I came out of a 14 year relationship with someone who likely had BPD and I left with a lot of trauma from these exact things. It’s not only the person with BPD that needs treatment. Anyone who stays close to them also needs to be in therapy.
This right here
Thank you so much Dr Fox for this.
At 53 years old, my BPD was quite quiescent, as long as I choose to remain single.
Now, I just met a wonderful man, and the shear anxiety of the fear of rejection is overwhelming.
My behavior towards him is okay; I have not been accusatory, etc.
But the emotions inside me; sometimes I am so sad, so afraid to make a mistake and make him go away.
He is kind, attentive, funny, caring.
In the past I used to become physical quickly so as to ‘get ‘ the guy.
Now we are taking out time and it is the way I wish it to be. But I feel like I am in a foreign country with no manual of instructions.
I am afraid to loose this beautiful, budding relationship.
I have BPD as many of the watchers of your videos do; and I legitimately can't express my appreciation enough for you posting these videos to be free and accessible. You are very life changing Dr Fox
100% well said!
The only doctor who doesnt point fingers and treat us like we are a problem or something deviant in society! Super non judgey 😊❤
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! It’s wonderful to hear how much you appreciate this kind of compassionate care!
Only doctor? That's black and white language. Gotta try not use that language my friend.
Dr. Fox i cant thank you enough. You have so much knowledge on BPD and its saving my relationship! I cant afford therapy so putting this out for free is amazing!
I’m so glad you found this video helpful. Be well.
I wish you had dropped this yesterday, it would have calmed the impulsivity. I am in therapy, do mindfulness work, have a stable career , have a strong support system but I still struggle with my romantic relationships. I ruined a good thing going for myself; this person was kind, stable and emotionally mature. Not perfect, but a healthy person nonetheless. I'm sad and upset with myself because I do know better. Anyways, thank you for all that you do, I follow your work and I am very thankful for your commitment to educating the public.
Wow thank you so much for your comment. Almost cried there for a minute. It helps to have community here. It really feels so lonely to live like this. Stay strong.
I feel this as well! Not to minimize your struggles, but I really appreciate you sharing your struggle. It happens to the best of us, you aren’t alone. Coming from a borderline alcoholic 😉 I hope you find the strength to cope in a healthy way. Trust and believe you’ll thank YOURSELF later, and it will set you up better for a future relationship. I recommend journaling, it’s helped me. Or music, friendships, SAFE casual dates if it’s safe again, highlighting safe. Don’t let yourself not have fun but be honest and firm with yourself. Something I wish I had down at this stage of my life (23). Anyway. ❤
Thank you ☺️ I needed that reminder. We rarely had fun dates and he didn’t really plan them. I always craved light hearted dates. He mostly wanted to stay home. It wasn’t until I brought it up that he planned it.
He was a good guy and very kind but yes I did want more lightness and romance. It often felt like we skipped that part.
@@d_a9404this is how I feel about my current partner
I was diagnosed with BPD in 2019, and since then I had tried to take suicide attempts multiple times. I was hospitalised once (because of wrong medication, the doctor prescribed meds of Bipolar Disorder).
Being from a country, where mental health issues are still a taboo and getting therapy is severely expensive- I have been seeking knowledge about BPD from open sources and a few Instagram communities. For the first time I came to know about this Splitting, Self-Sabotaging, Living in Constant Fear of Abandonment and I knew I wasn’t alone.
A few years back, I came to find your UA-cam channel, and it felt like a life-support to a dying drowning person. I remember watching your videos endless times and crying my heart out, because it feels unreal when I am not the one- talking frenzy about these problems, It's coming from an external voice and which is not in my head.
I have come to a point, where I have lost almost all my connections with people I cared and loved. And a very precious few remain. But the voice in my head would still not stop.
It would still keep telling me, they don't like you. Everyone is interested to know you out of pity. (I know It's not true, I do have my beautiful sides) but how to stop the voice inside your brain?
If it keeps saying a lie for 69844884488th time a day. You subconsciously start to believe it. And it feels so helpless when that voice takes control over me, and ruins my relationships. It's like you are a prisoner, and a monster who looks and sounds exactly like you- goes out and sabotages all your precious connections. It feels helpless.
And then it feeds me an ideal situation - where it tells," in a perfect scenario, your love / friend/ family would not make you go through this. Wait for the perfect one."
It is a very Sysiphus like journey, and thanks for reading the long message. I can still cop up with it because of videos like this. It reassures my suffering soul that - It's okay, you are not crazy. And and and....there might be hope.
Which resources from ig are you following?
I feel every bit of this. Thank you for sharing .
Informative video! Thanks from someone who has spent 5 years in a relationship with a gf w/BPD. I never know who she is going to be from day to day. BPD appears to be a disorder that is extremely grounded on social dynamics and what other people are doing...an external locus of control...sorta at the mercy of all things external. That's a tough way to live.
I dated a guy with this and he was the sweetest most empathetic person who would go paranoid and super delusionally paranoid. Communication before feelings would help. They end up with PTSD. And they come off as narcissistic during their rages. What you won’t see with a narcissist in feelings and reflection and creativity you’ll see in the bpd. No one understands them and they’re scared to come out and be understood .. when they do they feel intense rejection. Peopel are mean so validating them is important but they do not trust the nicest people.
They definitely deserve love too. I agree they are very misunderstood. I do however believe they need to be responsible if they are aware that they have bpd and get treatment.
Your new bpd journal that just came out is amazing !! I love it. It’s my safe healing space. Thank you so much for doing everything you do. It truly helps me 🤍
I seriously love your videos, you explain things so well and accurately. It really helps and makes me feel hopeful. ❤
Dr. Fox thank you for using analogies and using examples many people with borderline personality disorder get it after someone shows the consequences to them of what the situation is. I also hear some DBT skills as well.
Notes to self:
Emotional Vulnerability ~9:00 explains a lot for me about December 24th, 2024 and recent times with it being hard to explain why its hard to be emotionally vulnerable compared to earlier in our relationship. This video is already amazing
Thank you for this. I've been with my partner for 15yrs this month, but it's been pretty rocky. Just little things make me think he is going to leave, but he never does. I don't know why, I'm not very nice sometimes. I'm glad he has researched bpd and understands why I think and do things like accuse him of cheating or rejecting me. I wish I was better at being a partner. I hope I can take your video and keep practicing.
You’re very welcome. I’m so glad you found this video helpful. Be well.
After being brought upon a toxic house with 2 narcissistic parents then repeatedly getting into relationships with narcissists my whole life I had given up on ever wanting another relationship however 5 months ago I met a really incredible guy...I can really relate to your comment as I took struggle to trust and can get very triggered as my fear of abandonment and insecurities are causing me to be constantly hyper vigilance...he knew nothing about Bpd and cptsd until he met me but has been watching Dr foxs videos with me in the evenings and has said to me on numerous occasions that had he not have learnt everything he has from watching them then he would have probably walked away from our relationship , they've also taught him why I sometimes pushbl him away (my fear of being abandoned) because of these videos he has promised (and stuck to his promise) to never storm out or threaten to leave during arguments. I can't thank @DrDanielFox enough! Now he's not only saved my life but has also given me a chance to love and be loved And understood by ❤ All the best Hun x
Knowing that others think the way of splitting and devaluing anything good you do really helps to hear.its nice to know I am not alone even though I wouldn't wish bpd on anyone
I’m so glad you found this video helpful. Be well.
My (posibly BPD) partner during our 2 year relationship told me that I am the one, that I would leave her. She would trigger me by saying that I should find a "normal" girlfriend".
Well, at the end she left me 10+ times and I left her 0 times.
Wild ride. I still love her and would agree to be together if she agreed to see a psychologist.
Now it's like, one week she loves me, the other she hates me. Always in hopeless negative rumination mode about something with 0 accountability or desire to seek help. It's sad.
It sounds like you’ve been through an incredibly challenging experience. Relationships can be tough, especially when mental health issues are involved. It’s commendable that you still care for her and want her to seek help. Remember to prioritize your own well-being too.
@@DrDanielFox Thanks, I am seeing a therapist. Great videos. They help me understand the situation way better. I understand now where I could have triggered her and perhaps how some things could have been avoided. Pretty much every point you mentioned resonates with my situation.
You are doing fantastic work here, man. Like putting together a puzzle from the pieces I (and many others) have in our heads.
I had to leave leave my love, my whole family for the same reason.
Thank you, Doctor Fox. I’ve been watching your videos for a few months now and being marriage migrant with some BPD traits far away from home …it helps a lot to just stop for a second and take care of myself, breathe in and reassure that everything is okay 👌 and also everything can be rewired, just worth working on it, contributing to the healthy relationships 😊❤
I'm so glad to hear that my videos have been helpful for you! Taking time for yourself is so important, especially when navigating new challenges. Keep up the great work!
Im so glad I saw this video, im currently trying to be a better person as I ruined a relationship. Were not broken up but were in a break phase, because I kept "testing" him without even realizing it. I want to be good to him
It's great to hear that you're working on self-improvement! Recognizing the need for change is the first step, and I'm sure your efforts will make a positive impact on your relationship.
Why every time I watch these videos they make me cry? It really hits a nerve.
I have been trying and trying to fix the problem with my husband but he constantly ignores me. He sits there and avoids me, makes out he's not listening to me which in return makes me think that I need to pack my bags and get out of here. My head is constantly packing it's bags and preparing to leave. I was diagnosed with BPD. I do test my husband, I do all the things that you mentioned and everything he does sets me off.
Do you think he's triggering you on purpose? I'm a female and I've been diagnosed with bpd which most of my relationships have been with emotionally abusive guys not saying your husband is but sometimes I feel like some of my partners have exploited my bpd symptoms and triggered me on purpose bc of their need to be abusive towards me that's why I've been working extra hard on my mental health because being bpd and being in relationships with abusive men is a disaster waiting to happen i wish you all the joy and happiness because you're worth it❤❤
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through such a tough time. Relationships can be incredibly challenging, especially with the added complexities of BPD. It’s important to seek support and communicate openly. You’re not alone in this!
My mom has bpd and has strong narcissistic traits. I feel a lot of these things- fear of abandonment or rejection, keeping my guard up almost always, wondering when the next bout of chaos will happen. She was the instigator of chaos in huge, traumatic ways while I was growing up. I stopped contact with her 4 years ago because she is so exploitative and domineering. Even now it takes a lot of effort to relax.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s important to recognize the impact that these relationships can have on our lives. Remember that prioritizing your well-being is essential.
Omg me too 😢
dude i wondered why i llove the chaos its so much easier to know how the feelings of a persons intentions in the chaos
Your videos are great. It’s been a lot of help
Dr fox you’re such a positive influence! Thank you for all the content
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m glad you find the content helpful and uplifting!
Thank you Dr.Fox for helping us.
My pleasure. Be well.
This is so helpful Dr Fox!
I love your helpful kind attitude, thank you for making these videos!
I don't have BPD. I am a FP of my best friend who has BPD.
This felt very validating for me. Coming off a conflict where their fear of abandonment started the maladaptive behaviors. They're currently resorting to assasinating my character. Makes me so sad.
I'm really glad to hear that you found this video validating. It's tough navigating these situations, especially when they involve someone you care about. Remember to take care of yourself too!
I used to watch these videos and feel inspired but now i feel broken because there's so much stuff to try to change it feels hopeless no matter how many products I buy.
Then stop buying them? Go to the library maybe? It sucks but it takes years
@@OhGeeWillickersMisterhey man we’ve all felt overwhelmed. You’re no better. You’re watching this video too lol.. that being said stopping the victim mindset is hard. I would hit the books too. That’s a fine recommendation delivered in an ugly way
Don't give up I've felt like that too because it's alot to unpack but we have to start somewhere and finding out the information is part of the journey don't give up on yourself you're a beautiful person and the fact your making an effort is all you need you got this ❤️ keep going
You are the best! You make me feel human... thank you.
Omg. You're in my head lol. I just processed all this yesterday (4 months into weekly therapy) the drama. BPD craves it
Thank you so much Dr. Fox!!! This video has helped me so much I am so grateful 🙏🏼❤️ I just bought your flash cards on Amazon and would love in the future if you could make a book solely on bpd and relationships like this video I think it would help a lot of us so much. God
Bless you!
You are so welcome!
I know people BPD are really struggling but try putting yourself in shoes of the victims, real connections ruined real love lost . You deserve love but recognize thats the same goes for your partner. As i said you deserve love just don't abuse it
It's important to acknowledge the feelings of both sides in relationships affected by BPD. Empathy and understanding can go a long way in healing and building stronger connections.
I didn't even realize I was doing some of these until I watched this-
Thank you, I really want to be more continuous of my behavior goung forward because my relationship is so so important to me, might have just solved some of our tension 😅
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
While they tear u down n ruin their mental health i went back thinking i was older n understood more 3 years of tring im.a shell of who i was i regret it so much now i have a kid. Cant break free . I can't keep trying bpd got to want some help they get with ppl like me who give everything
How awesome! Gonna buy myself your book for Christmas.
OMG 😳 Dr Fox you have taught me so much about myself in these videos because I didn't realize I had BPD I still need to get diagnosed but hearing what you say and me looking at what happened in my marriage that's no longer there anymore because we got divorced at the beginning of the year it makes a lot of sense but the other problem was is my ex-husband has Asperger's and he didn't know how to deal with my issues and when he looked and saw that you could tell you I had BPD and I admitted it to myself that I didn't need diagnosed still think I need diagnosed to get help taking care of myself and I'm sorry this is a run-on sentence but anyhow thank you Dr Fox cuz you've been helping me a lot and learning how I am😊
I’m so glad my material is helpful. Be well
“Family in the head” is the best definition of negative self-talk I’ve heard!
Wait until you find out about Internal Family Systems!
Thank you for making me see me vs. the other person. I need reminding all the time to stop thinking the solution is outside if me. I get in denial about my trauma effects. Then I hear some if my traits and I think. Omg. I need help with me overcoming my wounds.
This is so helpful! ❤
Glad it was helpful!
I love how you explain this..
I’m a therapist & had to laugh at the devaluation example, at this point I see it coming from a mile away starting with all the praise…
Glad the video was helpful for you. Be well
Well, I'm in psychotherapy with Dr. Maria V. Rivera Perez. She's specialized in BPD. She helped me understand my wife, who has BPD. Even though I am still getting divorced, it's funny the interaction with her now that I started to understand the emotions behind the insults. I love her as a person, but BPD destroyed the love as a husband that I had for her. I'm doing therapy to recover from this ride and to help my 3 years old twins in the future to understand their mother. Thank God we weren't living together during COVID-19 😂😂
I had to stop complimenting her. Now I’ve had to stop reassuring her. It almost always backfired on me. She didn’t believe me and often punished me
It sounds like a tough situation. Communication can be so tricky sometimes, especially when it comes to compliments and reassurance. Finding the right balance is key!
Thank you for this video and your content I am subscribing to your channel
I'm watching your videos to try and understand my hubby, who has Bipolar tendencies and some forms of autism. He's also Dyslexic - just discovered this year. It's a lot to deal with. He doesn't have the coping skills to understand ANY of this.
I have BPD and have had it for at least half a century. I have seven of the nine criteria,fear of abandonment is not one of them, I prefer to be alone, I can't stand humans.
I don't know what would've happened if I watched this video before I broke up with my eX but I am sure things could be different 😢Thank you so much for this ❤
Hang in there. ❤
This is so very important to me right now. I've been single for longer than I've had since ........ I was with a grandiose malignant narcissist. OMGGGGGG, it's TERRIFYING! (I'm planning on giving it a shot again.)
Sounds like you’ve learn a lot. Be well and stay safe.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you so much! I've researched this disorder ever since I was diagnosed and with hard work with therapy (Practically an ARMY of therapists of different specialties working together on my mind). I am SO glad you responded to this comment because I needed to hear this again. Etching it into my mind as I take the relationship leap of faith again MUCH appreciated.
I fully believe that no one can be trusted and humanity was a mistake because all they do is cause pain. Am I wrong? I'm not sure anymore
Not sure why doc liked this negative nihilistic comment but yeah this is ain’t true
@@shadowsbruther Negative nihilist. Yup, that's me
It is so hard to be understood, heard and seen in relationships and marriage. I have been married for 25 years and my husband still has trouble understanding me and often misinterprets my panic attacks as aggression but when you’re in the mists of a BPD episode it’s like you can’t find the words to describe or communicate because often I can’t figure out my own reaction to a trigger. In the end I blame it on myself with shame. This may sound strange but it’s safer to blame myself because by doing so, I am saving myself psychologically from the toxic shame and guilt imposed on myself if I hurt my husband feelings. I feel shame is terrifying to me in any relationship not just my husband so, by blaming myself I protect myself from hurting others because, I am petrified of hurting others because then the automatic ruminating racing thoughts attack me with core content about being a horrible person and that is so petrifying to me that I take responsibility often that I don’t deserve to avoid shame and guilt.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s incredibly brave to open up about such personal challenges, and it’s important to remember that communication takes time and patience, both with ourselves and our partners.
This is fantastic stuff
This is helpful, thank you!
You're welcome! I’m so glad you found this video helpful. Be well.
@@DrDanielFox - would you please consider doing a video on how abandonment affects those of us who are not in a romantic relationship and actively avoid being around people, please...especially when it comes to the fear of losing loved ones when they pass, such as family members, including beloved animals?
I am 61 and spent my life terrified of my mother's passing, believing that I would never be able to live without her. Fortunately, I am a huge animal lover with a great sense of responsibility and adored my Malamute, so had to stay for her. In the 20+ yrs since, my Malamutes have been my constant companions and I adore them but the joy I receive is marred by a pervasive and constant fear of when I will lose them and I do my utmost to keep them as healthy and happy as possible. When other people have losses of loved one's or something terrible happens in the news, my fear of losing them becomes more intense.
Can you please do a video on these sorts of things that aren't just related to human romantic relationships (I understand the majority have issues in that regard).
Thank you kindly.
Is feeling sort of like you're in a waiting room when you're by yourself, is that a BPD thing? Like without other people around or something immediate coming up on your schedule, you're in a holding pattern?
I struggle with this one too. I’m not the doctor but I tend to think that’s the emptiness feeling intensifying by being alone. I work on it by having things to do whether it be cleaning my house, taking my dog out or trying new things until I find things I like to do which used to feel like a task in itself as nothing sounded like it would be enjoyable but in time I have found some things that occupy that time. I think walks in nature are really good. It felt like a chore and still does at times but I know it helps me. You’re not alone there 😊
Btw your description of that feeling was right on!! Never heard it put that way.
It's definitely a feeling that many people with BPD can relate to. That sense of being in a holding pattern can be tough, especially when you’re waiting for something to happen. You're not alone in this!
@@OhGeeWillickersMister holy cow I have never heard this description before but that is EXACTLY how I feel when I’m alone or honestly, when I’m not with my partner. It has gotten better recently because I was so miserable I finally forced myself to start doing things just for the sake of doing something I find meaningful even if that meaning is to pass the time. It keeps me out of my head !
I am older and my bpd is so bad right now. I am talking to a guy and in my mind I've turned him into a monster. He is not a monster but he has triggered me based on something I started which I resent him for letting me.
You give me hope
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
I had to end a two year relationship with my BPD ex yesterday. I understand that this isn't voluntary, but I can't live like this. My ex needs help.
pretty sure my wife has bpd. she is currently in the process of being "diagnosed" with bipolar (basically the psychologist doesn't have availability for talk sessions, so they are just slinging meds at her...) lately, her disregulations have become much more frequent (to the point of it seeming like she is just stuck in zap out mode) I worry that its the bipolar meds, but its also coming up on the holidays and she stopped drinking (self medicating) about 5 months ago. she has pretty much spilt me to all bad, and its getting so hard to not take the bait on the pushing. when i try to vent to my support system, they tell me to get her removed or remove me and the kids, but i know she would never forgive me for it, especially right before christmas. im watching as many of you videos as i can to try and learn enough and make plans. the trouble is that anything i try to do in the way of showing her that what she is doing is damaging, she takes as me putting her down or being a narcissist. right now, i just hope i can ride this wave, and she doesnt fully drop out of her treatment.
It sounds like you're navigating a really tough situation. It’s important to take care of yourself and your kids while being supportive. Keep learning and reaching out for help; every bit of knowledge can make a difference.
I healed my core wounds and now i dropped the anchor of drugs. I understand that women who do drugs are not the women who are capable of long term relationships. So today is my day i begin the walk out of the Nothingness
It's inspiring to hear about your journey towards healing and growth. Dropping the anchor of drugs is a significant step, and I wish you all the best as you move forward!
When do you suggest is the best time to tell someone about BPD and how it impacts you in the beginning of a relationship? I am always afraid of scaring someone away.
It's important to communicate openly about BPD when you feel comfortable, usually after you've established some trust. It can help your partner understand your experiences and how they can support you.
I have problem with tone of voice. Unless my husband speaks in a loving, compassionate and tone when arguing ( I know it not logical 12:17 one’s made at you because your. BPD can drive away people you love most in the world. I don’t know where my fault begins and ends because I blame everything on my self in fear I will loose him although “ the Facts tell me he won’t because I been married for 25 years and my husband stuck by me throgh hospitalizations ect….. dr fox why isn’t that enough not to negate this. He isn’t perfect but he tries. Why isn’t that enough! I’m 50
And got married at 23. Why can’t I see the good because I don’t. It seems safer to feel rejected because
It’s all I ever known not it’s 12 12reality but in my soul I know I’m self sabotaging to reject myself before he rejects me
It sounds like you're navigating some really complex feelings, and it's completely understandable to feel the way you do. Remember, communication is key in a relationship, and it’s great that you recognize the love and support your husband has shown over the years. Seeking professional help can also be beneficial as you work through these feelings.
I have bpd/cptsd whatever traits and so far I've never failed with reading emotions and predict abandonment and/or rejection.
I've been 5 years in a relationship and i never felt that fear of abandonment, barely had arguments and you know why? Because this person really had serious intentions and didn't have doubts or planned to use and dump. I was the one eventually moving abroad and ending the relationship.
This very long term totally stable and healthy relationship doesn't seem to align with the bpd lines. But i had relationships after that took me to into self harm and suicidal in way shorter term. You know why? Because these people really didnt have good intentions and just planed on using as temporary placeholder, lied about relationship when just wanted a fwb and these people are 'men'. That's why seems to be more bpd women because these bpd traits are just symptoms of all kinds of abuse by men.😊
Thank you for sharing your experience! It’s inspiring to hear about your long-term relationship and how it has positively impacted your journey. It sounds like you've gained valuable insights along the way.
11-14 min is how I feel right now dating a girl who have traits of bpd... it is draining, and I always feel attacked. I love her, and what can I do to help? Open communication, I've been on the receiving end and been trying but it's draining...
Don’t squish the duck! 😂
🦊👍
This is awesome! I wish you were to make a video like this where you don't mention BPD. Would be great to show this to a loved one with BPD.. thing is I don't want her to know that I know she has BPD. Most of this message would work without mentioning BPD right?
Thank you for your kind words! Be well
How do we communicate that we have BPD to a partner and how would they want to put up with this when there are so many other people who are "less complex"?
Elmira reference is hilarious
Is BPD like anxious attachment on steroids?
Dr daniel it’s actually harder than I thought not to split on you xD! Thank you for your amazing content 🤍 for the bpd community and individuals in general!
Thank you 💞
You’re welcome 😊
Empowerment? - I have seen 2 terrible outcomes of empowerment on BPD, when my (now) ex got it I faced escalation of abuse, physical agression and attempted murder. A friend had a story of severe escalation by empowerment as well, resulting almost in homelessness of the person with BPD but for a lifeline from the former partner.
You’re the best
Thanks 😊
I wasn't getting attention or affection from my ex of 8 years, so I turned my life upside down and fell for a man in the United States, and I live in Canada. I spent all my money on him and going to see him, and now my fiancss are cut off. He's not able to support me financially, so now I'm not able to go there and living with my mom. I made my situation harder by moving with toxic family now, not thinking things through. When I not intentionally started this, I was drinking alcohol and now I'm stuck. I can't afford therapy as I went through all my money.
It sounds like you’ve been through a really tough time. Remember, it’s okay to seek support from friends or community resources. You deserve to find happiness and healing.
@DrDanielFox Thank you, Dr. Fox. I don't really have friends that I hang out with, I've been going to AA groups some nights, so I don't start drinking again, but I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone there to tell everything. It's hard to find support I find..
@@sparklingloveandlight Have you tried talking to God, he will always listen & support you. I wish you the very best.
Yes 2 days ago my boyfriend's face was different and I assume the worst and thought he dont love me anymore and my spitting happened and ...well...that ended badly...I felt so bad after I'm calm and it took me 2 days to recover and I start feeling depressed
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Relationships can be tough, and it's completely normal to have those moments of doubt. Remember to communicate with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling.
Ive not long been diagnosed with bpd and it feels like the world had fallen though. At first i felt refief as she listed the criteria and for the first time i felt justified in why the past 8 years have been so difficult. Then came the but. Apparently dbt helps best but its been difficult to find and meds dont help. Discharged to gp who then said it was "out of depth." right now feels like ive been drowning and waiting for rescue just for them to show up and say "yep its difficult that, good luck with the swim back to shore" how can this be the most treatable?
Dr Fox
My amazing partner of 6 1/2 yrs has ‘split’ 3 x for the last 3 yrs. Each time it is a Sudden Discard:’ I’m Done!’ He’s cruel and says he doesn’t love me (when days before he sweetly said he did)
Stonewalls Blocks - no fight
prior, no explanation no closures. The last time was 1 month ago
- 1 week later he was seen out by my friends with someone else.
Idk if he’s bpd or narcissistic.
I’m 63 I love him deeply but my own self esteem and life takes such a hit that I’m at a loss
Should I reach out?
Should I let him go?
Should I move away so I can simply begin again?
Heavy hurt
Heartbroken and confused
It sounds like you're going through an incredibly tough time. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being. Take some time to reflect on what you truly want and deserve in a relationship. You deserve happiness!
@@DrDanielFoxI am working on focusing on just that.
Does his behavior sound more like avoidant, bpd or narcissistic? Should I reach out or move away completely.
I can honestly say that 95% of our relationship is amazing - but then he splits when things are going well or future plans come to the table. ‘Comfort in chaos’
makes complete sense.
I fear his ‘tests’ keep pulling me down (3rd time in 3 yrs)
This time I moved all of my things out of the house.
I’ve gone silent
He’s dating. Telling our friends and family he’s not interested.
I am making efforts to move out of state
But deeply love him.
Such a horrible situation at my age.
What if the partner lied to the person with bpd?
It's definitely a complicated situation. Trust and honesty are crucial in any relationship, especially when dealing with mental health challenges like BPD. Open communication can help navigate these issues.
I hurt my own feelings today pray for me
By "Family in the head" are you talking about the voices in our mind?
Yes
@@DrDanielFox Thank you so much - just wanted to understand. I appreciate all the content you put out as I can't afford DBT!
This also sounds like disorganised attachment
You're right! Disorganized attachment definitely plays a significant role in how relationships are affected. It's important to understand these dynamics to foster healthier connections.
@@DrDanielFoxthank you for the reply . Do you feel there is a difference between the two or do they both consist of the same thing yet bpd just takes it all to another level ?
Dr. Your great and everything, but I must say. The very things you talk about (testing the viewers to getting activated into possible threats around the corner, the amygdala getting hyperaroused, etc.) because your darn video production! Just listen to your tone, the in out out zooming, the alarmism - I'm stressed out and want to call 911. For sure I'll call you up for therapy...
It’s late sorry for typos below
No problem, we all do that. Thanks
Don't squoosh the duck 🦆❤❤
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
People with BPD misunderstand neutral expressions - that's interesting because when I look at your face during this video I think you look angry and annoyed. 😂 . I guess I do that
It's fascinating how perception can vary so much! Neutral expressions can definitely be interpreted in different ways, especially in the context of BPD. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Why do they misinterpret?
It's due to BPD Lens. I discuss this in my workbook and I have videos on it as well. Take care.
Videos like this don't treat BPD, and they don't create more favorable conditions for the improvement of BPD symptoms. Videos like this create an atmosphere where lay people attempt to engage in pseudo-diagnosis of relationships partners. If you think you might have symptoms consistent with BPD, immediately stop watching this video, and seek out therapy with a practitioner who has a strong foundation in addressing BPD and C-PTSD. Videos like this are not a solution to treat or even identify/address symptoms that can be overwhelming and excruciating.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment! It's important to emphasize that videos like this are meant for awareness and discussion, but professional help is always the best option for those struggling with BPD. Also, we aware that many people cannot access the help they need and get benefit form videos like this for insight awareness.
Poor Title....you should be ashamed of yourself for calling people names.
OMG boom 🎉😮 Thank you Dr Fox.
So many realisation moments in this video. I sent this text to my partner, along with the video -
“Thank you for working with me last night and allowing me to be part of your infidelity trauma recovery & healing journey. ❤️
I’m sorry that I never understood all this BPD stuff. So many therapists were giving me opposite advice. 😢 I’m sad that the abandonment feeling I was frequently slipping into, when I spent extended time working away interstate, away from you was actually Jealously. My bravado would always come over the top and disguise 🥸 my feelings and try and protect me in the same way it started to do back when I was 12 and hurting like a motherfucker when my mother died and no one really wanted to take and look after an extremely damaged young man on the inside.
I realise now that what I was really wanting to do was spend more time around you and not work away so much. ♥️
I’m also sorry that I have tried to control you all through our relationship and effectively “squashed and controlled the duckling” ( reference in the video I sent ). I love you but I understand that you may never be able to forgive me either. I love you my little duckling heart❤ and I guess I just need to complete more work on these BPD maladaptive behaviours and trust you that you will do what is right for you too.”
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us! It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge these feelings and work through them. Wishing you and your partner all the best in this healing process.