Being able to reassure yourself that you will be okay whether or not you are abandoned is some seriously powerful stuff. It won't be the first thing you think when you're lost in your abandonment feelings, but if you can talk yourself down eventually it's like an amazing revelation every time. When you're a kid, being abandoned is an unsolvable nightmare and we carry that with us. As an adult, we have an answer that we didn't used to have. We exist and are whole regardless of our stance in any relationship.
@@katieg7679 wow. I love this. you’re right. Instead of working so hard on trying to regulate my emotions, I should resolve my fear of abandonment. Then I wouldn’t get so triggered in the first place. WOW.
@@LJ-kn7oe Yes, I think it's a process that positively snowballs as we heal. Emotional regulation is a good first step that we can start to tolerate confronting these core issues more, and as we start understanding and resolving the core issues, we have less emotional upheavals to tolerate. :)
You're absolutely right! Learning to reassure ourselves is such a crucial part of personal growth. It’s amazing how those childhood fears can evolve into empowering insights as we mature.
I have BPD as many of the watchers of your videos do; and I legitimately can't express my appreciation enough for you posting these videos to be free and accessible. You are very life changing Dr Fox
I wish you had dropped this yesterday, it would have calmed the impulsivity. I am in therapy, do mindfulness work, have a stable career , have a strong support system but I still struggle with my romantic relationships. I ruined a good thing going for myself; this person was kind, stable and emotionally mature. Not perfect, but a healthy person nonetheless. I'm sad and upset with myself because I do know better. Anyways, thank you for all that you do, I follow your work and I am very thankful for your commitment to educating the public.
Hey same. Your comment could have been written by me. I got so lucky with my ex partner & it’s very, very hard to accept that I messed it up. It helps me to remember that this BPD thing is just bigger than us sometimes. I know I try my absolute best & it sounds like you do too. We can’t do more than that. It just wasn’t meant to be this time. Maybe there is something even better waiting for you & this was all practice/learning so when you finally meet them you’ll be ready.
Wow thank you so much for your comment. Almost cried there for a minute. It helps to have community here. It really feels so lonely to live like this. Stay strong.
@@d_a9404 one more thought I’ve had is that I make the mistake of believing I need to show up PERFECTLY now in relationships to be lovable. But people without BPD aren’t perfect either (& in many cases are actually worse than us in ways!) & they still find love. The goal isn’t to become perfect & never show emotion ever again. Unless you do something REALLY unforgivable like cheating, maybe you aren’t as bad as you think. Maybe they just weren’t the right person for you. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Non BPD people also lose their temper sometimes & say things they don’t mean, give the silent treatment, have mood swings, etc. From your comments it’s clear you are a lovely person who takes accountability for their mistakes & therefore you would make a great partner.
I feel this as well! Not to minimize your struggles, but I really appreciate you sharing your struggle. It happens to the best of us, you aren’t alone. Coming from a borderline alcoholic 😉 I hope you find the strength to cope in a healthy way. Trust and believe you’ll thank YOURSELF later, and it will set you up better for a future relationship. I recommend journaling, it’s helped me. Or music, friendships, SAFE casual dates if it’s safe again, highlighting safe. Don’t let yourself not have fun but be honest and firm with yourself. Something I wish I had down at this stage of my life (23). Anyway. ❤
Thank you ☺️ I needed that reminder. We rarely had fun dates and he didn’t really plan them. I always craved light hearted dates. He mostly wanted to stay home. It wasn’t until I brought it up that he planned it.
Dr. Fox i cant thank you enough. You have so much knowledge on BPD and its saving my relationship! I cant afford therapy so putting this out for free is amazing!
I was diagnosed with BPD in 2019, and since then I had tried to take suicide attempts multiple times. I was hospitalised once (because of wrong medication, the doctor prescribed meds of Bipolar Disorder). Being from a country, where mental health issues are still a taboo and getting therapy is severely expensive- I have been seeking knowledge about BPD from open sources and a few Instagram communities. For the first time I came to know about this Splitting, Self-Sabotaging, Living in Constant Fear of Abandonment and I knew I wasn’t alone. A few years back, I came to find your UA-cam channel, and it felt like a life-support to a dying drowning person. I remember watching your videos endless times and crying my heart out, because it feels unreal when I am not the one- talking frenzy about these problems, It's coming from an external voice and which is not in my head. I have come to a point, where I have lost almost all my connections with people I cared and loved. And a very precious few remain. But the voice in my head would still not stop. It would still keep telling me, they don't like you. Everyone is interested to know you out of pity. (I know It's not true, I do have my beautiful sides) but how to stop the voice inside your brain? If it keeps saying a lie for 69844884488th time a day. You subconsciously start to believe it. And it feels so helpless when that voice takes control over me, and ruins my relationships. It's like you are a prisoner, and a monster who looks and sounds exactly like you- goes out and sabotages all your precious connections. It feels helpless. And then it feeds me an ideal situation - where it tells," in a perfect scenario, your love / friend/ family would not make you go through this. Wait for the perfect one." It is a very Sysiphus like journey, and thanks for reading the long message. I can still cop up with it because of videos like this. It reassures my suffering soul that - It's okay, you are not crazy. And and and....there might be hope.
Dr. Fox thank you for using analogies and using examples many people with borderline personality disorder get it after someone shows the consequences to them of what the situation is. I also hear some DBT skills as well.
Your new bpd journal that just came out is amazing !! I love it. It’s my safe healing space. Thank you so much for doing everything you do. It truly helps me 🤍
Thank you for this. I've been with my partner for 15yrs this month, but it's been pretty rocky. Just little things make me think he is going to leave, but he never does. I don't know why, I'm not very nice sometimes. I'm glad he has researched bpd and understands why I think and do things like accuse him of cheating or rejecting me. I wish I was better at being a partner. I hope I can take your video and keep practicing.
After being brought upon a toxic house with 2 narcissistic parents then repeatedly getting into relationships with narcissists my whole life I had given up on ever wanting another relationship however 5 months ago I met a really incredible guy...I can really relate to your comment as I took struggle to trust and can get very triggered as my fear of abandonment and insecurities are causing me to be constantly hyper vigilance...he knew nothing about Bpd and cptsd until he met me but has been watching Dr foxs videos with me in the evenings and has said to me on numerous occasions that had he not have learnt everything he has from watching them then he would have probably walked away from our relationship , they've also taught him why I sometimes pushbl him away (my fear of being abandoned) because of these videos he has promised (and stuck to his promise) to never storm out or threaten to leave during arguments. I can't thank @DrDanielFox enough! Now he's not only saved my life but has also given me a chance to love and be loved And understood by ❤ All the best Hun x
Knowing that others think the way of splitting and devaluing anything good you do really helps to hear.its nice to know I am not alone even though I wouldn't wish bpd on anyone
Thank you, Doctor Fox. I’ve been watching your videos for a few months now and being marriage migrant with some BPD traits far away from home …it helps a lot to just stop for a second and take care of myself, breathe in and reassure that everything is okay 👌 and also everything can be rewired, just worth working on it, contributing to the healthy relationships 😊❤
I'm so glad to hear that my videos have been helpful for you! Taking time for yourself is so important, especially when navigating new challenges. Keep up the great work!
Is feeling sort of like you're in a waiting room when you're by yourself, is that a BPD thing? Like without other people around or something immediate coming up on your schedule, you're in a holding pattern?
I struggle with this one too. I’m not the doctor but I tend to think that’s the emptiness feeling intensifying by being alone. I work on it by having things to do whether it be cleaning my house, taking my dog out or trying new things until I find things I like to do which used to feel like a task in itself as nothing sounded like it would be enjoyable but in time I have found some things that occupy that time. I think walks in nature are really good. It felt like a chore and still does at times but I know it helps me. You’re not alone there 😊 Btw your description of that feeling was right on!! Never heard it put that way.
It's definitely a feeling that many people with BPD can relate to. That sense of being in a holding pattern can be tough, especially when you’re waiting for something to happen. You're not alone in this!
@@OhGeeWillickersMister holy cow I have never heard this description before but that is EXACTLY how I feel when I’m alone or honestly, when I’m not with my partner. It has gotten better recently because I was so miserable I finally forced myself to start doing things just for the sake of doing something I find meaningful even if that meaning is to pass the time. It keeps me out of my head !
I used to watch these videos and feel inspired but now i feel broken because there's so much stuff to try to change it feels hopeless no matter how many products I buy.
OMG 😳 Dr Fox you have taught me so much about myself in these videos because I didn't realize I had BPD I still need to get diagnosed but hearing what you say and me looking at what happened in my marriage that's no longer there anymore because we got divorced at the beginning of the year it makes a lot of sense but the other problem was is my ex-husband has Asperger's and he didn't know how to deal with my issues and when he looked and saw that you could tell you I had BPD and I admitted it to myself that I didn't need diagnosed still think I need diagnosed to get help taking care of myself and I'm sorry this is a run-on sentence but anyhow thank you Dr Fox cuz you've been helping me a lot and learning how I am😊
I didn't even realize I was doing some of these until I watched this- Thank you, I really want to be more continuous of my behavior goung forward because my relationship is so so important to me, might have just solved some of our tension 😅
Im so glad I saw this video, im currently trying to be a better person as I ruined a relationship. Were not broken up but were in a break phase, because I kept "testing" him without even realizing it. I want to be good to him
It's great to hear that you're working on self-improvement! Recognizing the need for change is the first step, and I'm sure your efforts will make a positive impact on your relationship.
Thank you so much Dr. Fox!!! This video has helped me so much I am so grateful 🙏🏼❤️ I just bought your flash cards on Amazon and would love in the future if you could make a book solely on bpd and relationships like this video I think it would help a lot of us so much. God Bless you!
I'm watching your videos to try and understand my hubby, who has Bipolar tendencies and some forms of autism. He's also Dyslexic - just discovered this year. It's a lot to deal with. He doesn't have the coping skills to understand ANY of this.
My mom has bpd and has strong narcissistic traits. I feel a lot of these things- fear of abandonment or rejection, keeping my guard up almost always, wondering when the next bout of chaos will happen. She was the instigator of chaos in huge, traumatic ways while I was growing up. I stopped contact with her 4 years ago because she is so exploitative and domineering. Even now it takes a lot of effort to relax.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s important to recognize the impact that these relationships can have on our lives. Remember that prioritizing your well-being is essential.
I don't know what would've happened if I watched this video before I broke up with my eX but I am sure things could be different 😢Thank you so much for this ❤
@@DrDanielFox - would you please consider doing a video on how abandonment affects those of us who are not in a romantic relationship and actively avoid being around people, please...especially when it comes to the fear of losing loved ones when they pass, such as family members, including beloved animals? I am 61 and spent my life terrified of my mother's passing, believing that I would never be able to live without her. Fortunately, I am a huge animal lover with a great sense of responsibility and adored my Malamute, so had to stay for her. In the 20+ yrs since, my Malamutes have been my constant companions and I adore them but the joy I receive is marred by a pervasive and constant fear of when I will lose them and I do my utmost to keep them as healthy and happy as possible. When other people have losses of loved one's or something terrible happens in the news, my fear of losing them becomes more intense. Can you please do a video on these sorts of things that aren't just related to human romantic relationships (I understand the majority have issues in that regard). Thank you kindly.
This is so very important to me right now. I've been single for longer than I've had since ........ I was with a grandiose malignant narcissist. OMGGGGGG, it's TERRIFYING! (I'm planning on giving it a shot again.)
@@DrDanielFox Thank you so much! I've researched this disorder ever since I was diagnosed and with hard work with therapy (Practically an ARMY of therapists of different specialties working together on my mind). I am SO glad you responded to this comment because I needed to hear this again. Etching it into my mind as I take the relationship leap of faith again MUCH appreciated.
This is awesome! I wish you were to make a video like this where you don't mention BPD. Would be great to show this to a loved one with BPD.. thing is I don't want her to know that I know she has BPD. Most of this message would work without mentioning BPD right?
11-14 min is how I feel right now dating a girl who have traits of bpd... it is draining, and I always feel attacked. I love her, and what can I do to help? Open communication, I've been on the receiving end and been trying but it's draining...
It is so hard to be understood, heard and seen in relationships and marriage. I have been married for 25 years and my husband still has trouble understanding me and often misinterprets my panic attacks as aggression but when you’re in the mists of a BPD episode it’s like you can’t find the words to describe or communicate because often I can’t figure out my own reaction to a trigger. In the end I blame it on myself with shame. This may sound strange but it’s safer to blame myself because by doing so, I am saving myself psychologically from the toxic shame and guilt imposed on myself if I hurt my husband feelings. I feel shame is terrifying to me in any relationship not just my husband so, by blaming myself I protect myself from hurting others because, I am petrified of hurting others because then the automatic ruminating racing thoughts attack me with core content about being a horrible person and that is so petrifying to me that I take responsibility often that I don’t deserve to avoid shame and guilt.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s incredibly brave to open up about such personal challenges, and it’s important to remember that communication takes time and patience, both with ourselves and our partners.
A lot of UA-cam BPD videos claim that people with BPD aren’t capable of love. Is there a way to decipher between having real feelings for someone or not? I feel like I am in love with my ex but due to all my splitting (cycling between love, hate & complete indifference at times) I don’t trust that ANY of my feelings are real anymore. Am I even capable of real feelings? Thank you
It’s completely understandable to feel that way. Many people with BPD experience intense emotions that can make it hard to identify what’s real. Seeking professional help can really provide clarity and support on this journey.
Ive not long been diagnosed with bpd and it feels like the world had fallen though. At first i felt refief as she listed the criteria and for the first time i felt justified in why the past 8 years have been so difficult. Then came the but. Apparently dbt helps best but its been difficult to find and meds dont help. Discharged to gp who then said it was "out of depth." right now feels like ive been drowning and waiting for rescue just for them to show up and say "yep its difficult that, good luck with the swim back to shore" how can this be the most treatable?
It sounds like a tough situation. Communication can be so tricky sometimes, especially when it comes to compliments and reassurance. Finding the right balance is key!
I am older and my bpd is so bad right now. I am talking to a guy and in my mind I've turned him into a monster. He is not a monster but he has triggered me based on something I started which I resent him for letting me.
Dr Fox My amazing partner of 6 1/2 yrs has ‘split’ 3 x for the last 3 yrs. Each time it is a Sudden Discard:’ I’m Done!’ He’s cruel and says he doesn’t love me (when days before he sweetly said he did) Stonewalls Blocks - no fight prior, no explanation no closures. The last time was 1 month ago - 1 week later he was seen out by my friends with someone else. Idk if he’s bpd or narcissistic. I’m 63 I love him deeply but my own self esteem and life takes such a hit that I’m at a loss Should I reach out? Should I let him go? Should I move away so I can simply begin again? Heavy hurt Heartbroken and confused
It sounds like you're going through an incredibly tough time. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being. Take some time to reflect on what you truly want and deserve in a relationship. You deserve happiness!
@@DrDanielFoxI am working on focusing on just that. Does his behavior sound more like avoidant, bpd or narcissistic? Should I reach out or move away completely. I can honestly say that 95% of our relationship is amazing - but then he splits when things are going well or future plans come to the table. ‘Comfort in chaos’ makes complete sense. I fear his ‘tests’ keep pulling me down (3rd time in 3 yrs) This time I moved all of my things out of the house. I’ve gone silent He’s dating. Telling our friends and family he’s not interested. I am making efforts to move out of state But deeply love him. Such a horrible situation at my age.
Empowerment? - I have seen 2 terrible outcomes of empowerment on BPD, when my (now) ex got it I faced escalation of abuse, physical agression and attempted murder. A friend had a story of severe escalation by empowerment as well, resulting almost in homelessness of the person with BPD but for a lifeline from the former partner.
Yes 2 days ago my boyfriend's face was different and I assume the worst and thought he dont love me anymore and my spitting happened and ...well...that ended badly...I felt so bad after I'm calm and it took me 2 days to recover and I start feeling depressed
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Relationships can be tough, and it's completely normal to have those moments of doubt. Remember to communicate with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling.
I have bpd/cptsd whatever traits and so far I've never failed with reading emotions and predict abandonment and/or rejection. I've been 5 years in a relationship and i never felt that fear of abandonment, barely had arguments and you know why? Because this person really had serious intentions and didn't have doubts or planned to use and dump. I was the one eventually moving abroad and ending the relationship. This very long term totally stable and healthy relationship doesn't seem to align with the bpd lines. But i had relationships after that took me to into self harm and suicidal in way shorter term. You know why? Because these people really didnt have good intentions and just planed on using as temporary placeholder, lied about relationship when just wanted a fwb and these people are 'men'. That's why seems to be more bpd women because these bpd traits are just symptoms of all kinds of abuse by men.😊
Thank you for sharing your experience! It’s inspiring to hear about your long-term relationship and how it has positively impacted your journey. It sounds like you've gained valuable insights along the way.
Dr daniel it’s actually harder than I thought not to split on you xD! Thank you for your amazing content 🤍 for the bpd community and individuals in general!
I have problem with tone of voice. Unless my husband speaks in a loving, compassionate and tone when arguing ( I know it not logical 12:17 one’s made at you because your. BPD can drive away people you love most in the world. I don’t know where my fault begins and ends because I blame everything on my self in fear I will loose him although “ the Facts tell me he won’t because I been married for 25 years and my husband stuck by me throgh hospitalizations ect….. dr fox why isn’t that enough not to negate this. He isn’t perfect but he tries. Why isn’t that enough! I’m 50 And got married at 23. Why can’t I see the good because I don’t. It seems safer to feel rejected because It’s all I ever known not it’s 12 12reality but in my soul I know I’m self sabotaging to reject myself before he rejects me
It sounds like you're navigating some really complex feelings, and it's completely understandable to feel the way you do. Remember, communication is key in a relationship, and it’s great that you recognize the love and support your husband has shown over the years. Seeking professional help can also be beneficial as you work through these feelings.
I wasn't getting attention or affection from my ex of 8 years, so I turned my life upside down and fell for a man in the United States, and I live in Canada. I spent all my money on him and going to see him, and now my fiancss are cut off. He's not able to support me financially, so now I'm not able to go there and living with my mom. I made my situation harder by moving with toxic family now, not thinking things through. When I not intentionally started this, I was drinking alcohol and now I'm stuck. I can't afford therapy as I went through all my money.
It sounds like you’ve been through a really tough time. Remember, it’s okay to seek support from friends or community resources. You deserve to find happiness and healing.
@DrDanielFox Thank you, Dr. Fox. I don't really have friends that I hang out with, I've been going to AA groups some nights, so I don't start drinking again, but I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone there to tell everything. It's hard to find support I find..
OMG boom 🎉😮 Thank you Dr Fox. So many realisation moments in this video. I sent this text to my partner, along with the video - “Thank you for working with me last night and allowing me to be part of your infidelity trauma recovery & healing journey. ❤️ I’m sorry that I never understood all this BPD stuff. So many therapists were giving me opposite advice. 😢 I’m sad that the abandonment feeling I was frequently slipping into, when I spent extended time working away interstate, away from you was actually Jealously. My bravado would always come over the top and disguise 🥸 my feelings and try and protect me in the same way it started to do back when I was 12 and hurting like a motherfucker when my mother died and no one really wanted to take and look after an extremely damaged young man on the inside. I realise now that what I was really wanting to do was spend more time around you and not work away so much. ♥️ I’m also sorry that I have tried to control you all through our relationship and effectively “squashed and controlled the duckling” ( reference in the video I sent ). I love you but I understand that you may never be able to forgive me either. I love you my little duckling heart❤ and I guess I just need to complete more work on these BPD maladaptive behaviours and trust you that you will do what is right for you too.”
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us! It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge these feelings and work through them. Wishing you and your partner all the best in this healing process.
Dr Fox is BPD and cPTSD the same thing?? I think i have cPTSD from past abusive relationships which is ruining my current relationship but my psychiatrist told me BPD??? I get emotionally reactive but its only with my romantic partner in response to feeling unfairly criticised or controlled and i have these big emotional reactions because i feel in danger and i have to stand up for myself. When i get like this i dont feel a fear of abandonment, i feel in danger and i need to escape and i think about how to get out. When things calm down we always reconcile and then i don't want to loose them. I dont get like this with other people and i never use to be like this so i dont think its a personality disorder. I think my psychiatrist is wrong but i got a second opinion and they said the same thing. Im so confused and dont know what to do. Are my reactions right or is it that family in the head?? I feel like i cant trust my reality!!
Being able to reassure yourself that you will be okay whether or not you are abandoned is some seriously powerful stuff. It won't be the first thing you think when you're lost in your abandonment feelings, but if you can talk yourself down eventually it's like an amazing revelation every time. When you're a kid, being abandoned is an unsolvable nightmare and we carry that with us. As an adult, we have an answer that we didn't used to have. We exist and are whole regardless of our stance in any relationship.
@@katieg7679 wow. I love this. you’re right. Instead of working so hard on trying to regulate my emotions, I should resolve my fear of abandonment. Then I wouldn’t get so triggered in the first place. WOW.
@@LJ-kn7oe Yes, I think it's a process that positively snowballs as we heal. Emotional regulation is a good first step that we can start to tolerate confronting these core issues more, and as we start understanding and resolving the core issues, we have less emotional upheavals to tolerate. :)
You're absolutely right! Learning to reassure ourselves is such a crucial part of personal growth. It’s amazing how those childhood fears can evolve into empowering insights as we mature.
@@DrDanielFox ❤️
@katieg7679 love this
I have BPD as many of the watchers of your videos do; and I legitimately can't express my appreciation enough for you posting these videos to be free and accessible. You are very life changing Dr Fox
I wish you had dropped this yesterday, it would have calmed the impulsivity. I am in therapy, do mindfulness work, have a stable career , have a strong support system but I still struggle with my romantic relationships. I ruined a good thing going for myself; this person was kind, stable and emotionally mature. Not perfect, but a healthy person nonetheless. I'm sad and upset with myself because I do know better. Anyways, thank you for all that you do, I follow your work and I am very thankful for your commitment to educating the public.
Hey same. Your comment could have been written by me. I got so lucky with my ex partner & it’s very, very hard to accept that I messed it up. It helps me to remember that this BPD thing is just bigger than us sometimes. I know I try my absolute best & it sounds like you do too. We can’t do more than that. It just wasn’t meant to be this time. Maybe there is something even better waiting for you & this was all practice/learning so when you finally meet them you’ll be ready.
Wow thank you so much for your comment. Almost cried there for a minute. It helps to have community here. It really feels so lonely to live like this. Stay strong.
@@d_a9404 one more thought I’ve had is that I make the mistake of believing I need to show up PERFECTLY now in relationships to be lovable. But people without BPD aren’t perfect either (& in many cases are actually worse than us in ways!) & they still find love. The goal isn’t to become perfect & never show emotion ever again. Unless you do something REALLY unforgivable like cheating, maybe you aren’t as bad as you think. Maybe they just weren’t the right person for you. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Non BPD people also lose their temper sometimes & say things they don’t mean, give the silent treatment, have mood swings, etc. From your comments it’s clear you are a lovely person who takes accountability for their mistakes & therefore you would make a great partner.
I feel this as well! Not to minimize your struggles, but I really appreciate you sharing your struggle. It happens to the best of us, you aren’t alone. Coming from a borderline alcoholic 😉 I hope you find the strength to cope in a healthy way. Trust and believe you’ll thank YOURSELF later, and it will set you up better for a future relationship. I recommend journaling, it’s helped me. Or music, friendships, SAFE casual dates if it’s safe again, highlighting safe. Don’t let yourself not have fun but be honest and firm with yourself. Something I wish I had down at this stage of my life (23). Anyway. ❤
Thank you ☺️ I needed that reminder. We rarely had fun dates and he didn’t really plan them. I always craved light hearted dates. He mostly wanted to stay home. It wasn’t until I brought it up that he planned it.
The only doctor who doesnt point fingers and treat us like we are a problem or something deviant in society! Super non judgey 😊❤
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! It’s wonderful to hear how much you appreciate this kind of compassionate care!
Dr. Fox i cant thank you enough. You have so much knowledge on BPD and its saving my relationship! I cant afford therapy so putting this out for free is amazing!
I’m so glad you found this video helpful. Be well.
I was diagnosed with BPD in 2019, and since then I had tried to take suicide attempts multiple times. I was hospitalised once (because of wrong medication, the doctor prescribed meds of Bipolar Disorder).
Being from a country, where mental health issues are still a taboo and getting therapy is severely expensive- I have been seeking knowledge about BPD from open sources and a few Instagram communities. For the first time I came to know about this Splitting, Self-Sabotaging, Living in Constant Fear of Abandonment and I knew I wasn’t alone.
A few years back, I came to find your UA-cam channel, and it felt like a life-support to a dying drowning person. I remember watching your videos endless times and crying my heart out, because it feels unreal when I am not the one- talking frenzy about these problems, It's coming from an external voice and which is not in my head.
I have come to a point, where I have lost almost all my connections with people I cared and loved. And a very precious few remain. But the voice in my head would still not stop.
It would still keep telling me, they don't like you. Everyone is interested to know you out of pity. (I know It's not true, I do have my beautiful sides) but how to stop the voice inside your brain?
If it keeps saying a lie for 69844884488th time a day. You subconsciously start to believe it. And it feels so helpless when that voice takes control over me, and ruins my relationships. It's like you are a prisoner, and a monster who looks and sounds exactly like you- goes out and sabotages all your precious connections. It feels helpless.
And then it feeds me an ideal situation - where it tells," in a perfect scenario, your love / friend/ family would not make you go through this. Wait for the perfect one."
It is a very Sysiphus like journey, and thanks for reading the long message. I can still cop up with it because of videos like this. It reassures my suffering soul that - It's okay, you are not crazy. And and and....there might be hope.
Which resources from ig are you following?
I feel every bit of this. Thank you for sharing .
Dr. Fox thank you for using analogies and using examples many people with borderline personality disorder get it after someone shows the consequences to them of what the situation is. I also hear some DBT skills as well.
Your new bpd journal that just came out is amazing !! I love it. It’s my safe healing space. Thank you so much for doing everything you do. It truly helps me 🤍
Thank you for this. I've been with my partner for 15yrs this month, but it's been pretty rocky. Just little things make me think he is going to leave, but he never does. I don't know why, I'm not very nice sometimes. I'm glad he has researched bpd and understands why I think and do things like accuse him of cheating or rejecting me. I wish I was better at being a partner. I hope I can take your video and keep practicing.
You’re very welcome. I’m so glad you found this video helpful. Be well.
After being brought upon a toxic house with 2 narcissistic parents then repeatedly getting into relationships with narcissists my whole life I had given up on ever wanting another relationship however 5 months ago I met a really incredible guy...I can really relate to your comment as I took struggle to trust and can get very triggered as my fear of abandonment and insecurities are causing me to be constantly hyper vigilance...he knew nothing about Bpd and cptsd until he met me but has been watching Dr foxs videos with me in the evenings and has said to me on numerous occasions that had he not have learnt everything he has from watching them then he would have probably walked away from our relationship , they've also taught him why I sometimes pushbl him away (my fear of being abandoned) because of these videos he has promised (and stuck to his promise) to never storm out or threaten to leave during arguments. I can't thank @DrDanielFox enough! Now he's not only saved my life but has also given me a chance to love and be loved And understood by ❤ All the best Hun x
I seriously love your videos, you explain things so well and accurately. It really helps and makes me feel hopeful. ❤
Knowing that others think the way of splitting and devaluing anything good you do really helps to hear.its nice to know I am not alone even though I wouldn't wish bpd on anyone
I’m so glad you found this video helpful. Be well.
Dr fox you’re such a positive influence! Thank you for all the content
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m glad you find the content helpful and uplifting!
Thank you, Doctor Fox. I’ve been watching your videos for a few months now and being marriage migrant with some BPD traits far away from home …it helps a lot to just stop for a second and take care of myself, breathe in and reassure that everything is okay 👌 and also everything can be rewired, just worth working on it, contributing to the healthy relationships 😊❤
I'm so glad to hear that my videos have been helpful for you! Taking time for yourself is so important, especially when navigating new challenges. Keep up the great work!
I love your helpful kind attitude, thank you for making these videos!
Is feeling sort of like you're in a waiting room when you're by yourself, is that a BPD thing? Like without other people around or something immediate coming up on your schedule, you're in a holding pattern?
I struggle with this one too. I’m not the doctor but I tend to think that’s the emptiness feeling intensifying by being alone. I work on it by having things to do whether it be cleaning my house, taking my dog out or trying new things until I find things I like to do which used to feel like a task in itself as nothing sounded like it would be enjoyable but in time I have found some things that occupy that time. I think walks in nature are really good. It felt like a chore and still does at times but I know it helps me. You’re not alone there 😊
Btw your description of that feeling was right on!! Never heard it put that way.
It's definitely a feeling that many people with BPD can relate to. That sense of being in a holding pattern can be tough, especially when you’re waiting for something to happen. You're not alone in this!
@@OhGeeWillickersMister holy cow I have never heard this description before but that is EXACTLY how I feel when I’m alone or honestly, when I’m not with my partner. It has gotten better recently because I was so miserable I finally forced myself to start doing things just for the sake of doing something I find meaningful even if that meaning is to pass the time. It keeps me out of my head !
I used to watch these videos and feel inspired but now i feel broken because there's so much stuff to try to change it feels hopeless no matter how many products I buy.
Then stop buying them? Go to the library maybe? It sucks but it takes years
OMG 😳 Dr Fox you have taught me so much about myself in these videos because I didn't realize I had BPD I still need to get diagnosed but hearing what you say and me looking at what happened in my marriage that's no longer there anymore because we got divorced at the beginning of the year it makes a lot of sense but the other problem was is my ex-husband has Asperger's and he didn't know how to deal with my issues and when he looked and saw that you could tell you I had BPD and I admitted it to myself that I didn't need diagnosed still think I need diagnosed to get help taking care of myself and I'm sorry this is a run-on sentence but anyhow thank you Dr Fox cuz you've been helping me a lot and learning how I am😊
I’m so glad my material is helpful. Be well
This is so helpful Dr Fox!
I didn't even realize I was doing some of these until I watched this-
Thank you, I really want to be more continuous of my behavior goung forward because my relationship is so so important to me, might have just solved some of our tension 😅
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Im so glad I saw this video, im currently trying to be a better person as I ruined a relationship. Were not broken up but were in a break phase, because I kept "testing" him without even realizing it. I want to be good to him
It's great to hear that you're working on self-improvement! Recognizing the need for change is the first step, and I'm sure your efforts will make a positive impact on your relationship.
I love how you explain this..
I fully believe that no one can be trusted and humanity was a mistake because all they do is cause pain. Am I wrong? I'm not sure anymore
Thank you so much Dr. Fox!!! This video has helped me so much I am so grateful 🙏🏼❤️ I just bought your flash cards on Amazon and would love in the future if you could make a book solely on bpd and relationships like this video I think it would help a lot of us so much. God
Bless you!
You are so welcome!
I'm watching your videos to try and understand my hubby, who has Bipolar tendencies and some forms of autism. He's also Dyslexic - just discovered this year. It's a lot to deal with. He doesn't have the coping skills to understand ANY of this.
My mom has bpd and has strong narcissistic traits. I feel a lot of these things- fear of abandonment or rejection, keeping my guard up almost always, wondering when the next bout of chaos will happen. She was the instigator of chaos in huge, traumatic ways while I was growing up. I stopped contact with her 4 years ago because she is so exploitative and domineering. Even now it takes a lot of effort to relax.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s important to recognize the impact that these relationships can have on our lives. Remember that prioritizing your well-being is essential.
I don't know what would've happened if I watched this video before I broke up with my eX but I am sure things could be different 😢Thank you so much for this ❤
Hang in there. ❤
This is so helpful! ❤
Glad it was helpful!
This is helpful, thank you!
You're welcome! I’m so glad you found this video helpful. Be well.
@@DrDanielFox - would you please consider doing a video on how abandonment affects those of us who are not in a romantic relationship and actively avoid being around people, please...especially when it comes to the fear of losing loved ones when they pass, such as family members, including beloved animals?
I am 61 and spent my life terrified of my mother's passing, believing that I would never be able to live without her. Fortunately, I am a huge animal lover with a great sense of responsibility and adored my Malamute, so had to stay for her. In the 20+ yrs since, my Malamutes have been my constant companions and I adore them but the joy I receive is marred by a pervasive and constant fear of when I will lose them and I do my utmost to keep them as healthy and happy as possible. When other people have losses of loved one's or something terrible happens in the news, my fear of losing them becomes more intense.
Can you please do a video on these sorts of things that aren't just related to human romantic relationships (I understand the majority have issues in that regard).
Thank you kindly.
This is fantastic stuff
This is so very important to me right now. I've been single for longer than I've had since ........ I was with a grandiose malignant narcissist. OMGGGGGG, it's TERRIFYING! (I'm planning on giving it a shot again.)
Sounds like you’ve learn a lot. Be well and stay safe.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you so much! I've researched this disorder ever since I was diagnosed and with hard work with therapy (Practically an ARMY of therapists of different specialties working together on my mind). I am SO glad you responded to this comment because I needed to hear this again. Etching it into my mind as I take the relationship leap of faith again MUCH appreciated.
You give me hope
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
This is awesome! I wish you were to make a video like this where you don't mention BPD. Would be great to show this to a loved one with BPD.. thing is I don't want her to know that I know she has BPD. Most of this message would work without mentioning BPD right?
Thank you for your kind words! Be well
11-14 min is how I feel right now dating a girl who have traits of bpd... it is draining, and I always feel attacked. I love her, and what can I do to help? Open communication, I've been on the receiving end and been trying but it's draining...
You’re the best
Thanks 😊
I’m a therapist & had to laugh at the devaluation example, at this point I see it coming from a mile away starting with all the praise…
Glad the video was helpful for you. Be well
It is so hard to be understood, heard and seen in relationships and marriage. I have been married for 25 years and my husband still has trouble understanding me and often misinterprets my panic attacks as aggression but when you’re in the mists of a BPD episode it’s like you can’t find the words to describe or communicate because often I can’t figure out my own reaction to a trigger. In the end I blame it on myself with shame. This may sound strange but it’s safer to blame myself because by doing so, I am saving myself psychologically from the toxic shame and guilt imposed on myself if I hurt my husband feelings. I feel shame is terrifying to me in any relationship not just my husband so, by blaming myself I protect myself from hurting others because, I am petrified of hurting others because then the automatic ruminating racing thoughts attack me with core content about being a horrible person and that is so petrifying to me that I take responsibility often that I don’t deserve to avoid shame and guilt.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s incredibly brave to open up about such personal challenges, and it’s important to remember that communication takes time and patience, both with ourselves and our partners.
A lot of UA-cam BPD videos claim that people with BPD aren’t capable of love. Is there a way to decipher between having real feelings for someone or not? I feel like I am in love with my ex but due to all my splitting (cycling between love, hate & complete indifference at times) I don’t trust that ANY of my feelings are real anymore. Am I even capable of real feelings? Thank you
It’s completely understandable to feel that way. Many people with BPD experience intense emotions that can make it hard to identify what’s real. Seeking professional help can really provide clarity and support on this journey.
Is BPD like anxious attachment on steroids?
Ive not long been diagnosed with bpd and it feels like the world had fallen though. At first i felt refief as she listed the criteria and for the first time i felt justified in why the past 8 years have been so difficult. Then came the but. Apparently dbt helps best but its been difficult to find and meds dont help. Discharged to gp who then said it was "out of depth." right now feels like ive been drowning and waiting for rescue just for them to show up and say "yep its difficult that, good luck with the swim back to shore" how can this be the most treatable?
“Family in the head” is the best definition of negative self-talk I’ve heard!
Wait until you find out about Internal Family Systems!
I had to stop complimenting her. Now I’ve had to stop reassuring her. It almost always backfired on me. She didn’t believe me and often punished me
It sounds like a tough situation. Communication can be so tricky sometimes, especially when it comes to compliments and reassurance. Finding the right balance is key!
I am older and my bpd is so bad right now. I am talking to a guy and in my mind I've turned him into a monster. He is not a monster but he has triggered me based on something I started which I resent him for letting me.
Dr Fox
My amazing partner of 6 1/2 yrs has ‘split’ 3 x for the last 3 yrs. Each time it is a Sudden Discard:’ I’m Done!’ He’s cruel and says he doesn’t love me (when days before he sweetly said he did)
Stonewalls Blocks - no fight
prior, no explanation no closures. The last time was 1 month ago
- 1 week later he was seen out by my friends with someone else.
Idk if he’s bpd or narcissistic.
I’m 63 I love him deeply but my own self esteem and life takes such a hit that I’m at a loss
Should I reach out?
Should I let him go?
Should I move away so I can simply begin again?
Heavy hurt
Heartbroken and confused
It sounds like you're going through an incredibly tough time. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being. Take some time to reflect on what you truly want and deserve in a relationship. You deserve happiness!
@@DrDanielFoxI am working on focusing on just that.
Does his behavior sound more like avoidant, bpd or narcissistic? Should I reach out or move away completely.
I can honestly say that 95% of our relationship is amazing - but then he splits when things are going well or future plans come to the table. ‘Comfort in chaos’
makes complete sense.
I fear his ‘tests’ keep pulling me down (3rd time in 3 yrs)
This time I moved all of my things out of the house.
I’ve gone silent
He’s dating. Telling our friends and family he’s not interested.
I am making efforts to move out of state
But deeply love him.
Such a horrible situation at my age.
Thank you 💞
You’re welcome 😊
Elmira reference is hilarious
I hurt my own feelings today pray for me
Empowerment? - I have seen 2 terrible outcomes of empowerment on BPD, when my (now) ex got it I faced escalation of abuse, physical agression and attempted murder. A friend had a story of severe escalation by empowerment as well, resulting almost in homelessness of the person with BPD but for a lifeline from the former partner.
Don’t squish the duck! 😂
🦊👍
Yes 2 days ago my boyfriend's face was different and I assume the worst and thought he dont love me anymore and my spitting happened and ...well...that ended badly...I felt so bad after I'm calm and it took me 2 days to recover and I start feeling depressed
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Relationships can be tough, and it's completely normal to have those moments of doubt. Remember to communicate with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling.
I have bpd/cptsd whatever traits and so far I've never failed with reading emotions and predict abandonment and/or rejection.
I've been 5 years in a relationship and i never felt that fear of abandonment, barely had arguments and you know why? Because this person really had serious intentions and didn't have doubts or planned to use and dump. I was the one eventually moving abroad and ending the relationship.
This very long term totally stable and healthy relationship doesn't seem to align with the bpd lines. But i had relationships after that took me to into self harm and suicidal in way shorter term. You know why? Because these people really didnt have good intentions and just planed on using as temporary placeholder, lied about relationship when just wanted a fwb and these people are 'men'. That's why seems to be more bpd women because these bpd traits are just symptoms of all kinds of abuse by men.😊
Thank you for sharing your experience! It’s inspiring to hear about your long-term relationship and how it has positively impacted your journey. It sounds like you've gained valuable insights along the way.
By "Family in the head" are you talking about the voices in our mind?
Yes
@@DrDanielFox Thank you so much - just wanted to understand. I appreciate all the content you put out as I can't afford DBT!
Dr daniel it’s actually harder than I thought not to split on you xD! Thank you for your amazing content 🤍 for the bpd community and individuals in general!
I have problem with tone of voice. Unless my husband speaks in a loving, compassionate and tone when arguing ( I know it not logical 12:17 one’s made at you because your. BPD can drive away people you love most in the world. I don’t know where my fault begins and ends because I blame everything on my self in fear I will loose him although “ the Facts tell me he won’t because I been married for 25 years and my husband stuck by me throgh hospitalizations ect….. dr fox why isn’t that enough not to negate this. He isn’t perfect but he tries. Why isn’t that enough! I’m 50
And got married at 23. Why can’t I see the good because I don’t. It seems safer to feel rejected because
It’s all I ever known not it’s 12 12reality but in my soul I know I’m self sabotaging to reject myself before he rejects me
It sounds like you're navigating some really complex feelings, and it's completely understandable to feel the way you do. Remember, communication is key in a relationship, and it’s great that you recognize the love and support your husband has shown over the years. Seeking professional help can also be beneficial as you work through these feelings.
It’s late sorry for typos below
No problem, we all do that. Thanks
Don't squoosh the duck 🦆❤❤
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
I wasn't getting attention or affection from my ex of 8 years, so I turned my life upside down and fell for a man in the United States, and I live in Canada. I spent all my money on him and going to see him, and now my fiancss are cut off. He's not able to support me financially, so now I'm not able to go there and living with my mom. I made my situation harder by moving with toxic family now, not thinking things through. When I not intentionally started this, I was drinking alcohol and now I'm stuck. I can't afford therapy as I went through all my money.
It sounds like you’ve been through a really tough time. Remember, it’s okay to seek support from friends or community resources. You deserve to find happiness and healing.
@DrDanielFox Thank you, Dr. Fox. I don't really have friends that I hang out with, I've been going to AA groups some nights, so I don't start drinking again, but I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone there to tell everything. It's hard to find support I find..
@@sparklingloveandlight Have you tried talking to God, he will always listen & support you. I wish you the very best.
Why do they misinterpret?
It's due to BPD Lens. I discuss this in my workbook and I have videos on it as well. Take care.
OMG boom 🎉😮 Thank you Dr Fox.
So many realisation moments in this video. I sent this text to my partner, along with the video -
“Thank you for working with me last night and allowing me to be part of your infidelity trauma recovery & healing journey. ❤️
I’m sorry that I never understood all this BPD stuff. So many therapists were giving me opposite advice. 😢 I’m sad that the abandonment feeling I was frequently slipping into, when I spent extended time working away interstate, away from you was actually Jealously. My bravado would always come over the top and disguise 🥸 my feelings and try and protect me in the same way it started to do back when I was 12 and hurting like a motherfucker when my mother died and no one really wanted to take and look after an extremely damaged young man on the inside.
I realise now that what I was really wanting to do was spend more time around you and not work away so much. ♥️
I’m also sorry that I have tried to control you all through our relationship and effectively “squashed and controlled the duckling” ( reference in the video I sent ). I love you but I understand that you may never be able to forgive me either. I love you my little duckling heart❤ and I guess I just need to complete more work on these BPD maladaptive behaviours and trust you that you will do what is right for you too.”
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us! It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge these feelings and work through them. Wishing you and your partner all the best in this healing process.
Dr Fox is BPD and cPTSD the same thing?? I think i have cPTSD from past abusive relationships which is ruining my current relationship but my psychiatrist told me BPD??? I get emotionally reactive but its only with my romantic partner in response to feeling unfairly criticised or controlled and i have these big emotional reactions because i feel in danger and i have to stand up for myself. When i get like this i dont feel a fear of abandonment, i feel in danger and i need to escape and i think about how to get out. When things calm down we always reconcile and then i don't want to loose them. I dont get like this with other people and i never use to be like this so i dont think its a personality disorder. I think my psychiatrist is wrong but i got a second opinion and they said the same thing. Im so confused and dont know what to do. Are my reactions right or is it that family in the head?? I feel like i cant trust my reality!!
I have a video on this you may find helpful.