My husband and I did this this weekend to reconnect and reset everything. We both just started new jobs nearing the end of last year and everything is backwards. We LOVED the conversations it brought up and I think we truly have a better understanding of each other and what is expected from one another. I learned that our main problem was that he and I simply have different minimum standards on tasks so what frustrates me after one day, he doesn't think needs done for a few days. This has truly opened our eyes and I hope this helps us stay connected and in this wonderful headspace. Thank you for this!!
As a Fair Play Facilitator, I can't tell you what a game-changing system this is for couples. It provides each spouse a platform to communicate their feelings and discuss issues. This helps each spouse find common ground and reach resolutions to issues rather than letting them snowball. Don't hesitate to try it! It will change your life and your relationship.
I sat down with my early teens after my son had said “why do I have to do everything “ after being asked repeatedly to do a small job. I made a list of my work hours and all the jobs I did at home, then the kids school hours. I asked them to pick job/s that equated to an hour a week, and do them reliably every day/week. They picked and stuck with it, hardly ever needing to be reminded. It worked well for us. An hour isn’t that much, but knowing that they would get it done, was amazing.
If someone isn't mature enough to use Fair Play, they might need counseling to get to that point. But I decided to teach my children at age 5 how much I did for them and helped them figure out what they could do to help ME.
Here's one snag in fair play, and I see it in my relationship every day. Many men refuse to challenge their patriarchy. When I try to bring up the concept of Basic Standard of Care to my partner, saying that if I care about something he should care about it and vice versa, his response is: "Why can't you NOT care about this, because I DON'T care about this?" Because Fair Play and BSC operates under the presumption that your husband respects you as a human being, not a "caretaker" or a "homemaker" or a "mother." Because if you can't respect that the woman in your life is more than just a wife and a mother, then you aren't worthy of being a husband and a father.
Yes, this model operates under the condition that both partners respect the other person enough to want to divide domestic and partnership tasks in a way that may not be “equal” but that can be agreed upon and work for both people. If one partner does not respect the needs and humanity of the other partner, this model doesn’t work. That’s a bigger problem that can’t be solved by a card game :/
Question....my wife and I started this journey..my question is...we have 5 kids at home now ranging from 5 to 19...my job is mandatory overtime so some days I may work 8,12 or even 16 hour days and I am the sole provider for us. I have no flexibility..how do we handle that...?
Good communication? Also recognizing when you’re working overtime so is she. When you are home, carry your share of the load. She may end up with mainly daily jobs and you take fewer daily and more weekly and seasonal if that fits your unpredictable schedule better.
This is my opinion and sadly something my husband is not on board with. But he is much more difficult than the average person so here it goes. Let's assume that you have agreed that the person not working is in charge of 100% domestic duties. That means that every morning you wake up, sweep, mop, pick up laundry hampers, wash, dry, fold, put away, do dishes, dry dishes, put away dishes, clean countertops, clean windows, vacuum, fluff the sofa, and sofa pillows, wash the dog bowls, refill the dog bowls, walk the dog, make the bed, wipe the microwave and fridge door, dust the fans, sweep the front entryway. Then make lunch, clean up the dishes, wash, dry, and put them away. The whole time you also carried the mental load of taking notes of what needs to be replenished, what you can make for dinner with what's left in the fridge, tossed away the old and expired food, washed the recyclables, tossed them, took out the trash, changed the trash bag. It's a LOT. And it's not even dinner time. Let's assume you do all of this alone(hopefully not). In this scenario, your husband should be responsible for fixing anything he has done to alter this balanced home you created. That means if he took a shower, he puts the towel in the hamper and dries the floor. He wipes off the toothpaste off the sink because you had already wiped and dried the sink. If he walks in the door, he is responsible for putting his shoes where they go and hanging his coat on the hook, rather than toss them wherever. If he is eating a chocolate bar as he watches tv, he has to toss the wrapper and then re fluff the pillows just how he found them. Basically, he is responsible for leaving things how you left them. It's the "treat your home like your office's conference room" approach. Which means you leave it as you found it. In my opinion.
Domestic labour is still labour. The at home partner is supporting the career of the out of home partner and the family goals. You both deserve equal rest time. How that shakes out in each partnership will be different.
@@GreenThingQueenyes plus bills, home repairs/super communications, housework, grocery shopping, car upkeep, doctor’s appointments (annual general check ups + obgyn, dermatologist after 30, therapist? Couples counselor?- making and keeping them for yourself and partner), taking a shower and exercising (usual healthy human stuff), sidewalks /driveways/ plants/mowing/pruning/watering, other pet care (taking dog for walk, kitty litter, bedding changes), family (both) communication- planning for holiday travel, gifts, and birthdays on both sides, obligatory social communication as a couple, and this doesn’t even include pregnancy, kids, or elderly parent care in the mix!
So as a man, that's been married for 23 years. Who does a majority of the tasks inside and outside the home? Does this book not pertain to me? I was really looking for a book to open up the conversation with my spouse. But now, after seeing this is a book that claims women are the ones who do the majority of the tasks at home. I'm kind of confused now. Please help i'm tired
I am a man and work full time and do EVERYTHING around the house. My wife works full time(though less hours and at a school which has almost a 4 day week every week for 180 days or less -no make up days) and takes care of the kids. However, all 3 are very carefree when it comes to entering and exiting rooms how they found them. Thus, a majority of the cleaning, organization qnd daily chores falls on me If I were to bring this up to my wife I would get so much shit for it
It’s really difficult but you just need to broach the subject. You can’t live in resentment forever. Anyone not willing to have a conversation about household stuff needs to mature as it’s a necessary evil.
When you realize 'chores' are really equally split, you 'suck it up' and stop complaining. I usually do the inside work, cooking, cleaning, blah, blah and my husband does the outside work, mowing, 'car care'.... and never the twain shall meet. The 'Kid Stuff' Should and IS Always Shared!!! There's a saying, 'pick your battles', and do so carefully. If you do this one thing, you will avoid arguments.
@Sowar ok? He also worked 13/14 hour days, 80 hours a week, 2 to 3 days total off a month. Long shifts add up. Schedule changed every month but it was often heavy.
But anyway.. as far as using these cards with long work hours, we decided there should be x amount of cards for x Amount of hours worked in a week per person working. Because this completely leaves that out. Working at a job is a big part of partnership and deserves just as much recognition in the 'who does what in this relationship' .
The fundamental problem here is the assumption "All time is created equal". If I spent 8 hrs. a day working to make $300,000 / year which provides for all the bills and all of the family's standard of living and my wife spends 8 hrs. in the local library doing voluntary work, they are not equal. Most of these "housework" should be based on the weightage of the work we do to earn a living.
I’m not sure I understand your last sentence. How are you accounting for or measuring the weightage? By physical hours worked? So in your example you’ve contributed 8 vs her 0 as you’re considering it akin to leisure?
If you are measuring in $ value, then no, they are not equal. But is $ value the only way to measure? Volunteering is a noble thing to do, as it benefits society at large, even if it doesn't directly benefit the family I think what is important is that you are both in agreement over what each of you do with your hours. If you wish she brought in more dollars, and resent that she is giving so much of her (and consequently you and your family's) time away, then maybe that is a conversation that you need to have. If you wish that she would take up some more of the home admin and chores instead of volunteering, then again, maybe you need to have a discussion about it. What's not going to help, is coming to the table with an attitude that her time is not as valuable as yours, simply because she gets less $$ for her time. As I said, $$ is not the only way to measure value.
My husband and I did this this weekend to reconnect and reset everything. We both just started new jobs nearing the end of last year and everything is backwards. We LOVED the conversations it brought up and I think we truly have a better understanding of each other and what is expected from one another. I learned that our main problem was that he and I simply have different minimum standards on tasks so what frustrates me after one day, he doesn't think needs done for a few days. This has truly opened our eyes and I hope this helps us stay connected and in this wonderful headspace. Thank you for this!!
As a Fair Play Facilitator, I can't tell you what a game-changing system this is for couples. It provides each spouse a platform to communicate their feelings and discuss issues. This helps each spouse find common ground and reach resolutions to issues rather than letting them snowball. Don't hesitate to try it! It will change your life and your relationship.
I swear this would end in a fight for me 🤣
Omg right 😬🫠
Would love if this video had subtitles :)
Still none :(
You had me at unicorn space🦄
Single mom here. I need something like this for my teenagers.
I sat down with my early teens after my son had said “why do I have to do everything “ after being asked repeatedly to do a small job. I made a list of my work hours and all the jobs I did at home, then the kids school hours. I asked them to pick job/s that equated to an hour a week, and do them reliably every day/week. They picked and stuck with it, hardly ever needing to be reminded. It worked well for us. An hour isn’t that much, but knowing that they would get it done, was amazing.
What a great idea!!
What a nice concept
Such a cool concept!
This is for really mature people. Those in need of this I'm thinking would try to avoid this.
If someone isn't mature enough to use Fair Play, they might need counseling to get to that point. But I decided to teach my children at age 5 how much I did for them and helped them figure out what they could do to help ME.
Here's one snag in fair play, and I see it in my relationship every day. Many men refuse to challenge their patriarchy. When I try to bring up the concept of Basic Standard of Care to my partner, saying that if I care about something he should care about it and vice versa, his response is: "Why can't you NOT care about this, because I DON'T care about this?" Because Fair Play and BSC operates under the presumption that your husband respects you as a human being, not a "caretaker" or a "homemaker" or a "mother." Because if you can't respect that the woman in your life is more than just a wife and a mother, then you aren't worthy of being a husband and a father.
Yes, this model operates under the condition that both partners respect the other person enough to want to divide domestic and partnership tasks in a way that may not be “equal” but that can be agreed upon and work for both people. If one partner does not respect the needs and humanity of the other partner, this model doesn’t work. That’s a bigger problem that can’t be solved by a card game :/
Question....my wife and I started this journey..my question is...we have 5 kids at home now ranging from 5 to 19...my job is mandatory overtime so some days I may work 8,12 or even 16 hour days and I am the sole provider for us. I have no flexibility..how do we handle that...?
My M & D did it with 5 kids, both parents worked. They've been married for over 60 years. Sacrifice, Lots of love, and Teamwork!
She did say that it may not be equal division - you may do less but there will still be things you can take over and be responsible for.
Good communication? Also recognizing when you’re working overtime so is she. When you are home, carry your share of the load. She may end up with mainly daily jobs and you take fewer daily and more weekly and seasonal if that fits your unpredictable schedule better.
Shut up
Eve does Fair Play address what if one person is working full time and supporting the family, do they "have" to do household tasks?
In the book, it addresses this. :) I have not tried the game yet but I am so excited for how tangible it is!
This is my opinion and sadly something my husband is not on board with. But he is much more difficult than the average person so here it goes. Let's assume that you have agreed that the person not working is in charge of 100% domestic duties. That means that every morning you wake up, sweep, mop, pick up laundry hampers, wash, dry, fold, put away, do dishes, dry dishes, put away dishes, clean countertops, clean windows, vacuum, fluff the sofa, and sofa pillows, wash the dog bowls, refill the dog bowls, walk the dog, make the bed, wipe the microwave and fridge door, dust the fans, sweep the front entryway. Then make lunch, clean up the dishes, wash, dry, and put them away. The whole time you also carried the mental load of taking notes of what needs to be replenished, what you can make for dinner with what's left in the fridge, tossed away the old and expired food, washed the recyclables, tossed them, took out the trash, changed the trash bag. It's a LOT. And it's not even dinner time. Let's assume you do all of this alone(hopefully not). In this scenario, your husband should be responsible for fixing anything he has done to alter this balanced home you created. That means if he took a shower, he puts the towel in the hamper and dries the floor. He wipes off the toothpaste off the sink because you had already wiped and dried the sink. If he walks in the door, he is responsible for putting his shoes where they go and hanging his coat on the hook, rather than toss them wherever. If he is eating a chocolate bar as he watches tv, he has to toss the wrapper and then re fluff the pillows just how he found them. Basically, he is responsible for leaving things how you left them. It's the "treat your home like your office's conference room" approach. Which means you leave it as you found it. In my opinion.
Domestic labour is still labour. The at home partner is supporting the career of the out of home partner and the family goals.
You both deserve equal rest time. How that shakes out in each partnership will be different.
@@GreenThingQueenyes plus bills, home repairs/super communications, housework, grocery shopping, car upkeep, doctor’s appointments (annual general check ups + obgyn, dermatologist after 30, therapist? Couples counselor?- making and keeping them for yourself and partner), taking a shower and exercising (usual healthy human stuff), sidewalks /driveways/ plants/mowing/pruning/watering, other pet care (taking dog for walk, kitty litter, bedding changes), family (both) communication- planning for holiday travel, gifts, and birthdays on both sides, obligatory social communication as a couple, and this doesn’t even include pregnancy, kids, or elderly parent care in the mix!
@@GreenThingQueen you deserve better
Sounds nice on paper but there's no way this would work in my relationship. I feel like this method is not compatible with reality.
So as a man, that's been married for 23 years. Who does a majority of the tasks inside and outside the home? Does this book not pertain to me? I was really looking for a book to open up the conversation with my spouse. But now, after seeing this is a book that claims women are the ones who do the majority of the tasks at home. I'm kind of confused now.
Please help i'm tired
I am a man and work full time and do EVERYTHING around the house. My wife works full time(though less hours and at a school which has almost a 4 day week every week for 180 days or less -no make up days) and takes care of the kids. However, all 3 are very carefree when it comes to entering and exiting rooms how they found them. Thus, a majority of the cleaning, organization qnd daily chores falls on me
If I were to bring this up to my wife I would get so much shit for it
It’s really difficult but you just need to broach the subject. You can’t live in resentment forever. Anyone not willing to have a conversation about household stuff needs to mature as it’s a necessary evil.
The book "Fair Play" has ways to help you approach the conversation!
😔😔😔
When you realize 'chores' are really equally split, you 'suck it up' and stop complaining. I usually do the inside work, cooking, cleaning, blah, blah and my husband does the outside work, mowing, 'car care'.... and never the twain shall meet. The 'Kid Stuff' Should and IS Always Shared!!! There's a saying, 'pick your battles', and do so carefully. If you do this one thing, you will avoid arguments.
Hilarious
best selling book, system...oh wow no substance just words thrown around to make millions. saw the book today but i'm totally disapointed
We have 24 hours a day? Hmmm i guess im the only on that sleeps
How exactly is someome who works 15 hours a day supposed to do this garbage?
Lol. You don't work 15 hours a day.
@Sowar some jobs suck. Lol. 🤷♀️ My husband used to have 24 and 28 hour shifts. Glad it's over but I still feel for those stuck in it
@@nspencer257 long shifts are not the same as hours per day.
@Sowar ok? He also worked 13/14 hour days, 80 hours a week, 2 to 3 days total off a month. Long shifts add up. Schedule changed every month but it was often heavy.
But anyway.. as far as using these cards with long work hours, we decided there should be x amount of cards for x Amount of hours worked in a week per person working. Because this completely leaves that out. Working at a job is a big part of partnership and deserves just as much recognition in the 'who does what in this relationship' .
The fundamental problem here is the assumption "All time is created equal".
If I spent 8 hrs. a day working to make $300,000 / year which provides for all the bills and all of the family's standard of living and my wife spends 8 hrs. in the local library doing voluntary work, they are not equal.
Most of these "housework" should be based on the weightage of the work we do to earn a living.
Send me a k then
Bellend
I’m not sure I understand your last sentence. How are you accounting for or measuring the weightage? By physical hours worked? So in your example you’ve contributed 8 vs her 0 as you’re considering it akin to leisure?
If you earnt 300k then hire a cleaner, it's irrelevant
If you are measuring in $ value, then no, they are not equal. But is $ value the only way to measure? Volunteering is a noble thing to do, as it benefits society at large, even if it doesn't directly benefit the family
I think what is important is that you are both in agreement over what each of you do with your hours. If you wish she brought in more dollars, and resent that she is giving so much of her (and consequently you and your family's) time away, then maybe that is a conversation that you need to have. If you wish that she would take up some more of the home admin and chores instead of volunteering, then again, maybe you need to have a discussion about it.
What's not going to help, is coming to the table with an attitude that her time is not as valuable as yours, simply because she gets less $$ for her time. As I said, $$ is not the only way to measure value.