Healing a Shame-Based Identity for Scapegoat Survivors
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- Опубліковано 26 чер 2024
- In today's video I explain how a narcissistic parent hides their own bad character in the scapegoat child. Next, I describe how this results in the child having to live from a constant sense of shame about who they are. Such shame can turn into an identity when they lose hope of ever being seen as good by their parent. Watch until the end because I will describe how to excavate this ground level shame.
Knowing the truth about your strength is a critical step in healing from narcissistic abuse.
After watching this video AND if you’re ready to learn more…
Accelerate your recovery journey today by getting a FREE Copy of my ebook, Learn 4 Ways Adult Scapegoat Survivors Can Heal
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The highway of shame...... I can remember deciding not to have friends any more when I was about 9.
💔💔💔 me 2💔💔💔 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
I feel like I'm at that place now. What led u to feel like deciding not to have friends?
You deserve to be seen known and loved
When I was 9, then again at 14, and again at 17. And again at 27. Then, thanks to the pandemic, again at 35. It never ends.
Yes trying to find an exit still at 42
we can't realize others' immaturity until we mature. Gaining distance allows us to grow the f up. staying around immature people makes us immature. we become like our friends and family.
I was made to inferior for being mature. Or that people wont accept me...
of course....but maturity allows us to see them and limit contact. we get to choose better people. they are what they are.
Who else, as a kid, heard from a narcissistic parent: _"People like you only because they don’t know how BAD person you are, but I know you and I'll tell them"._
In the place of BAD put whatever you heard: selfish, worthless, cruel, unfriendly, immature, slutty etc.
Projections and confessions of the narc. They are pathetic creatures.
Yes! I heard the same thing, just insert “evil, selfish, irresponsible”
@@dakoderii4221exactly! I was about to say the same
My mom told me out of the blue, when I was able 6 that "people don't like you '.
At around 15 she out of the blue said "you have a bad attitude "
When I was about 13, 14 and having fun trying on punk style eye shadow, she walked up to me out of no where and said " you look like a street walker" in this nasty tone of voice ..
"a liar" :(
"Accuracy takes a back seat to the NParent's need to seem flawless" - whew 😢😢❤
Did anyone else find themselves surrounding themselves with narcissistic peers that only reinforced the idea that you weren’t allowed to be you and be accepted at the same time?
Yes!! and partners.
@@audhumbla6927yes
The whole experience has left me with the feeling that people are best avoided. I like my own company best. People exhaust me with their constant needs and requirements.
Me too. It sucks but being alone seems the only peace
I couldn’t have said this any better myself.
I avoid them because they end up attacking me (verbally, psychologically). A new acquaintance hit me with a barrage of questions that left me speechless, and horrified. Looking back, I’m glad that I was unable to reply, because a person like that does not need to know the details of my life (amount of education, specifics of my medical conditions, etc.). I felt interrogated, and I shut down as it was happening.
In the past, my mother mined me for information she could twist and turn against me. My real friends were safe. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust a new human.
I remember my mother telling me on certain occasions to stand up for and assert myself. That was the LAST thing I could (safely) do in my family of origin, and with her. So it was rich, coming from her, felt like a gut punch.
I told them,”You shouldn’t have to stand up to your family!”
@@casstay4499 Wow. Just…wow. That really puts a whole lot into perspective.
@@CorePathway Our families should protect us.. They are the last ones we should have to be on the defense with.. I told them that we have a different definition of family.
Oh god this was me dealing with my father in a nutshell
The two features she trained you out of?..... then she admonishes you for not having them? That's rich. xx
It's a bittersweet relief knowing "it wasn't me" ..now I struggle releasing my resentment. 😒 it's such hard work overcoming these struggles. I wish I didn't have to spend all my energy on it..but we hav to... it just seems so "unfair"..
& this world seems to enable, support & reward narcissism. 😥
Putting together these videos, the text, the depth of the information , the editing, every week, on top of having a practice, is a huge amount of time, care and work 🙏
Yes thank you for your service Jay Reid, it is soooo much appreciated ❤
Gives me hope. Thank you for producing content that helps me feel like there’s a path through this that leads to healing and away from the shame. It’s a relief just to be acknowledged. No one in my family ever stood up for me either.
I remember a writing assignment in middle school that asked us to write about friendship. I wrote about how a friend is someone who knows me, bu likes me anyway. I had no sense of the positive parts of myself unless the parts made my parents look good. I had no idea who I actually was, and what my positive qualities and gifts were. At 60, I am just figuring out what these are, and getting used to the idea that I may not be able to fully sort out what qualities are innate, and what developed to survive my family as the scapegoat.
Omg i have a story similar to Eds. I was helping feed the homeless and my mother said i needed to focus on her and "the family" ..its always "what about meeee"
My mother was so confusing. She would tell me how sensitive I was and always overreacting and get my feelings easily hurt , then she would tell me how nonchalant I was and act like I don’t care about anything but my self…. Lol so which is it
I earned my UCLA doctorate. I framed the diploma for my mother. Her response: '"You are still unmarried." The ground under my feet never stops moving. I'm 72 and still figuring it out.
I once dated a woman who could pass for Wonder Woman. I do not understate. My mothers reaction was “she has thick ankles.” I am not kidding. Lol. I did not know what narcissism was then, but I knew I was in a no win relationship with my mother. Please laugh! 😊✅🌺
Absolutely. I've never thought of it that way but yes, I must pay for her sins. She's a horrible mother and she failed miserably in her career at times. She couldn't see me be successful or more popular than she was. So she abused me from the time I was a small child and allowed other family members to do the same. I will never treat my son that way. I'm finally free of her but I'm sure she will try to cripple me financially before she ends up in the ground
I wish I had the money to pay a therapist as described in the video. The shame my mother projected in me stopped me in having a career. But I am not giving up and am trying to help myself. As a social worker, I can fight for the rights for others. But for myself, I cant. The shame is stopping me. That makes me sad.
Project it out. Onto something or someone. It feels a bit off but it’s literally just a placeholder to hear you say out loud all sorts of introjected shame-turned core beliefs with your ears. Your cognition is gonna process it differently than if it’s just inner speech/thoughts. Then update them. I am from Germany too. Talk about intergenerational trauma… Alles Gute und ich würde mich freuen, von dir zu hören.
@@vanessaroediger4829why would you tell her to project it out onto someone?
I understand and lived like this most of my life. When I made up my mind to protect myself from harm, it changed my life. But it took a long time for me to fully understand the cost of allowing others to abuse and disrespect me.
@@z32luvr no, not like that. Not literally. Onto a place holder, like a picture for example, of whatever it is you can sense you are projecting by judging it disproportionately harsh et cetera. Whatever you are projecting onto the placeholder, is gonna be an introject or a core distortion we develop due a survival necessity.
Big hug, Jasmin. It’s hard, very hard. So so so much grief over what could have been. There is nothing wrong with you; anyone else given the same treatment would end up with the same feelings and issues. I had the same issue for my whole life; massive shame in not being able to show up for and support my family.
I’m trying to make the mental switch from “what’s wrong with me” to “what happened to me”.
i dont think ive had SHAME put on me but i have had FEAR put on me. especially when i moved out early. never.been.back.never.will.
I also couldn’t find pride in my studies to, even though I achieved many things. I remember feeling numb and empty on graduation 🎓day. Very useful illustrations that pinpoint these specific feelings. Thanks Jay🙏Again, a very well described video, Always appreciated. Have a wonderful and happy weekend , say hi to Brizo 🐾🐾to 🌟✨🌈🦋
Thank you for your work making these wonderful videos. The real life examples and kind professional explanations are truly valuable. Your channel is much appreciated, helps many of us. ❤
Yet another brilliant explanation, can relate, thanks again
Sadly, with organized stalking and covert harassment CRIMES, pillar number 2 is obliterated by design. It is a despicably evil crime.
Thank you Jay, your videos are always so insightful. Your voice holds such compassion and understanding. This one almost brought me to tears, even though I feel so close to the end of my healing journey at last.
Unbelievable. How spot on this is. You hit this outta the park to smallest detail. 😢
So very grateful for these insights 😢😮❤
Thank you so much Jay. I have been doing work on this for many years now. I appreciate how specific your work is and that you totally understand it as you have walked it. It truly inspires me to see that you are able to be healed enough to be helping self/ others from a full cup, consistently and successfully as this is what I desire for myself. My soul and heart are quite literally calling out for this to the Heavens within and without.
Thank you for all you do and share with us, truly a gift. I am thankful for your book👼
I like how he describes hogtie heart
❤
I have a hogtied heart often throughout life whenever i feel too heavy with those feelings from many other people besides parents/siblings/relatives.
Seems too heavy at times.
Psychological distortions are horrible, leads to OCD, depression, anxiety, fatigue.
Garth Brooks "Shameless" Just Played On My Pandora LoL😁💞
So true, it's hard to listen to. Thank you for all your helpful work.
I was in class 1 when i used to isolate myself from everyone.i thought i dont belong to them due to a deep sense of inadequacy in me,which i used to overcome by studying harder and i told myself a that the reason i am isolated is bcz i study hard but deep down i did not like myself and didnt consider myself worthy of connections
Another very insightful video Jay. These Narcissists are sick. I went on to marry one, he then joined forces with my NPD mother when we split, and our 18 year old daughter has BPD but has cut me off instead of him. Despite the fact he is so abusive to her. I feel trapped in this mess. Missing Brizo this week! 🐶
My NS, who is 20 years older and can hardly get around, has been trying to encourage me to move into an old folks home (I'm 58 and look 40). She tries to convince people we grew up together (didn't - she's got two kids about my age). I told her I didn't need to be around a bunch of people old enough to be my parents. Boy, did that burn her! LOL
Timing couldn’t be better for this. Thank you! So many of your videos have been immensely helpful.
Once in class 5,i brought home 2 of my my school acquintances.i was so ashamed that my mom did not cook a proper meal for my guests i was feeling disgusting inside,soon after the meal,my mom said that this is the last time ever you are bringing these people over.i will not tolerate strangers in my home and that been the last time.
I was ashamed of inviting my friends or company over bcz she used to treat them so bad with neglect,i used to feel ashamed that they will know how my mother is.they will know the reality of her.and they will look down on me bcz i dont hv any strong roots.
Though,with time,these feelings were over riden by thoughts like i am defective and i just am defective.
Jay, your GIFT for explaining the *specifics* of how narcissists transmit their poison has been so healing for me. ❤ *THANK YOU* ❤ for sharing your wonderful insights and compassion in formats anyone can access. You are helping build healthy homes---and people---one video at a time! 🛠🤓💖🏡
Thank you.
Thank you Dr. Reid, very helpful.
Sounds familiar. I buried into studying and had straight A*s in school but indeed didn't really feel pride - just a surge of short-lived good feeling when getting my report card. I learnt german and japanese in my room at home, by myself. My mum constantly criticised me for ""isolating myself"" and on one occasion even locked me out of the house, and drove off somewhere, telling me to go play with my friends.
(I sat on the front step and cried)
@@Hippowdon121I’m sorry you experienced that.
Definitely feels like narcs are always doing the same as in verse 18 with the Aha, aha! We have seen it. Especially my dad. Always falsely accusing me of things. Trying his best to put out the spark of life in my eyes so I'll look as dead as he does. Have no hobbies, talents, skills, peace, joy, happiness, etc or else. Somehow it "oppresses, offends, and upsets" him. The logic being the only way I was smiling is because I stole it from him some vague, mystical way that no one can ever pin point but it's definitely true because he said it.
Psalm 35:18-24
18 I will give thee thanks in the great congregation: I will praise thee among much people.
19 Let not them that are mine enemies wrongfully rejoice over me: neither let them wink with the eye that hate me without a cause.
20 For they speak not peace: but they devise deceitful matters against them that are quiet in the land.
21 Yea, they opened their mouth wide against me, and said, Aha, aha, our eye hath seen it.
22 This thou hast seen, O Lord: keep not silence: O Lord, be not far from me.
23 Stir up thyself, and awake to my judgment, even unto my cause, my God and my Lord.
24 Judge me, O Lord my God, according to thy righteousness; and let them not rejoice over me.
I couldn't ask my parents or anyone else for help to enter a hoped-fir career. Because it was not safe to be seen by my parents. Thanks to Mr. Reid, I'm starting to understand.
Mom would shove my 3-year-old self out the house every morning, screaming that I was a bad, shameful person. So I had to stand outside all day. I never felt good enough, as I grew up & tried out for jobs. Mom was always looking for anything she could use to tell people how inferior I am. So I had to hide..I didn't know how to make a life.
I am so thankful to finally begin understanding all this💚
Another brilliant video about shame ! But this time I'll have a lot of work to do... Thank you !
What is sad and sick is that they use religion, God, community, and all of reality and creation to compound and drive home these feelings of shame and worthlessness.
I can identify with this Case study This is incredibly helpful! Thank you Jay!
I was first golden child and then scapegoat or parentified child
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the work you put into these videos. I don’t know how to articulate how much the insight is helping me. I hope I
can get on the other side of the tunnel too.
I definitely have this shame thing
Thank you! Very helpful!
When I was young, I found a wallet close to my workplace, a store at the local mall. I gave the wallet to my manager in case someone came to claim the lost wallet, and I was accused by my elder sister of just trying to get my boss to like me 😢
Your videos are therapeutic of themselves.
Many thanks Mr Reid.
Its so so evil 💔
Thank you Jay. Your channel is an absolute gold mine and I appreciate your work so much. God bless you, earth angel. 🩷
You are so welcome
I just want to thank you along with Dr Les Carter for helping people out of the goodness of your hearts. Thanks so much for helping heal peoples hearts!❤😊
A brilliant video and very relatable, thank you! I struggle hugely with shame and I didn't even realise it.
Keep up with your gifted professional work. Robert Morecook, PhD, psychologist, Texas
Thank you! Will do!
thank you
I always feel shame when my manager blames their team for their decisions.
Think Boeing _ in real time. Think politicy polutians blaming everybody but themself. Think no qccountability _ having a o hw whamed cause manager snuff coke and hes daddy's son
Oh my god, it's like you've been sitting on my shoulder my entire life. I think this is what is means to be seen. I don't like it. I don't hate it. I'm not numb, but I feel like my reality has been challenged.
hey, i am 24 and still live w my parents. i suffer from toxic shame.i am trying to heal but so many things are coming up together, idk if its working. do you have any advice since i cannot afford therapy and when i tried it, it didnt help.
Get the hell out of there, 3 pillars of recovery #2.
What can i do while living here? Like there is no problem w them now. They mind their own business and i am in my room and they don’t say anything but all of it is so internalized
@@yashi7799,
Journal. You can do it in a locked file on your computer or phone.
@@yashi7799 yeah I was in a similar situation when I was in high school. Of course there are these 3 pillars of recovery, you are doing #1, learning about it, that's very great. #2 is taking distance and making a safe environment. By saying in your room and not talking to them you are also doing this to the extent possible to you now, so that's laudable. I think it is hard to progress further in recovery while living with them though, because pillars #2 and #3 are so important. You need all 3. There's no rush to heal. So it's gonna be that you hold on for the meantime and move out when you can.
Tragically this happened to me again at 21, with a nasty girlfriend.