It's crazy how the siblings think you would agree to stay in the scapegoat role once you understand what is happening. They have been convinced that you are defective by the narcissist.
@@decemberkat She's blaming you, but it might be good that she doesn't have kids, if she doesn't work on past traumas. You had it worse, but she also was traumatized. The fact that she can identify more with the abusers because she was treated more favorably, I believe, makes it harder for her to break free of the crazy narrative that was presented to you both.
It IS crazy to us, and it would be for most people, but it is not crazy to the narcissist and the golden one(s) because they live in the twisted world that the narcissist has made. And the more invested this sibling(s) is in his/her false superiority, the less likely they will ever find the exit from that world.
I’ve never seen the golden child held to account for a single thing they didi, any shortcomings were glossed over and ignored. Whereas I have had it drummed I it me for decades that I am worthless, I am a non entity.
Total dissociation as soon as possible. It takes time to arrive at this resolution, but once you do.......its over. First its relief, then anger, then disgust at what they did to you. Anger and disgust mainly at the head narcissist, but then also everyone else who was complicit and just followed along, smug and happy to not be the lowest in the hierarchy. "I am higher than the scapegoat, yes that seems appropriate, I am a better person, as has been confirmed by mommy and daddy". Big ol' middle finger and a f*ck you to all of them.
The golden child is often complicit in the abuse directed toward the scapegoat. My older golden child sister was clever. She knew my mom was quick to punish me. When my sister was upset with me she would set me up with my mother and accuse me of being disrespectful or some other accusation. This would set my mother off and she would begin her tirade toward me. My sister would sit nearby, with quiet satisfaction and a slight grin on her face. It worked every time. I once tried to reason with my sister and told her that our mom controlled her. My sister believed our mother’s control was well meaning and sourced in love.
Ditto … my sister would lie, sending physical violence my way. It was like teeing up a little league ball on a stand so my dad could come and hit it. It was almost like she could feel his tension building and would give him an excuse for releasing rage. I too saw the cold satisfaction from false victimhood. She played “weak”, played victim whilst being 💯 in the power position as “golden child.” It’s wild to think about how this exists in larger human systems as well. There’s so much that’s known about psychology now that could be used to help build healthy human systems from the ground up to national leadership, but instead this information is weaponized/used by vast majority“elites” in power positions. Sadly, they never leave a thing on the table that could give them more control/anything they want. I’ve been studying embodied cognition (book Metaphors We Live By and talks by the author) and it’s incredible the psychological and political implications. It’s being used by AI developers and for propaganda instead of helping humanity escape these slave-making psychological systems ! It does help me sort of understand how so many people have trouble escaping being diabolical ! Our brains are embodied through metaphorical structures created by stories/language - non-empathy becomes wired in the brains and physiology. All abusers find ways to excuse/rationalize their actions hiding (mostly) behind unconscious reasons (status/greed/power or alignment with those in power). This information could be changing education, psychological education, politics, everything. It’s so true that the people suffer from a lack of knowledge! I know I sure did! This scapegoat thing is a psychological human system thing. I still believe in Creator and the spiritual aspects of all this big time ~ but understanding how psychology/philosophy is in our neurology/language/biology could help change the world if it were used as a tool, not a weapon 💜 I think there’s hope for humanity, if only grassroots can use all this new information! Most of the studies have been done with our own tax dollars!
@@juneelle370 Very well said, I agree with you wholeheartedly. Narcissism is being programmed into humanity and has been for quite a while. You see it more and more especially when dealing with younger generations. Their minds are set on Deceive,Swindle, Take,Contro etc etc. I hope like you that things can swing in the other direction eventually.
In my family, it was the opposite. My demon mother would set me up, and fuel the fire… and then my demon golden brother would come after me (while she “innocently” enjoyed every minute of her indirect abuse of me 😈😈). He has no idea she was totally manipulating him the whole time 🙄🙄
I appreciate your insight into dynamics of human nature , but could you give me the right direction, advise, on how to move forward with an office manager (not parant in this circumstance) who repeatedly bosses me around & makes up her own rules concerning .y living space. Thank you in advance
Most of the time the golden child becomes an entitled narcissist too. They are highly unlikely to ever willingly step off their throne and not be treated better than the rest. Leave them in the dust.
I’m afraid that I’ll turn into a narcissist, after decades of abuse. I’ve isolated myself from my family as much as possible, but I’ve noticed myself saying “I” and “my” and venting to my only friends. I still have empathy, and I haven’t turned into a pathological liar, but I’m so afraid of being like my mother or my sister, in different yet toxic ways.
@@SuziQ. You are having insight into yourself, which is a good indicator you're not a narcissist. You may have complex trauma, and you may have learned some behaviors that are not optimal. But it seems like you can look at yourself, which is a great sign.
@@SuziQ.Yo, using I and My are not narcissistic. Who taught you that? An actual narcissist who doesn't like hearing other people talk about themselves? F*ck them, if you're having any kind of day, you have a right to say so to whoever you want, and if they don't want to listen to you, they have a right to leave. Anyone who tries to steal your self-expression by chipping away at the way you speak, move, look, or any of the little things that don't actually matter is doing it for their own self-interest, not for yours. Even in the bible, God told people not to let themselves be treated like dogs by others, as well as to not treat themselves like dogs for the sake of others. Refusing to refer to yourself as YOURSELF isn't even being treated like a human being, and it's worse than treating yourself like a dog. There's not a single sane person in the world who would agree with that logic that using I or My in conversation means that you're selfish, especially not by saying something as stupid as 'at least now you're more self-aware,' implying that they knew you before this point, you weren't self-aware before, and now you are self-aware now that you're being triggered just by being yourself without the intent to harm anybody (which is the only thing you should ever judge anybody on). This is what fake psychologists have done to people, and this is why I'm against people on UA-cam having psychology channels if they aren't actually licensed neurologist, psychiatrists or psychologists. They do so much more harm than good and end up isolating good people who are struggling with trauma by presenting them as narcissists, and with su*cide rates and isolationism at an all-time high, I believe they should be held responsible.
@@Hyderagean , Thank you for helping me understand. I’ve spent the last six years looking at my family’s dynamics, in a way I hadn’t seen it before. I’m still confused about a lot of it, like whether my dad was a narcissistic abuser, or simply a bully that my mother manipulated into hurting me (emotionally, verbally, and physically). He’s been dead for over 25 years, and I now see my mother manipulating the rest of the family to keep me in the scapegoat role. In the interim, my mother was married to an abusive man (Dad didn’t abuse her). I wonder if the scars he left caused her to become a narcissistic abuser, or if she always was one. I think it’s the latter, and that she picks men she can manipulate. I wonder if continuous abuse can lead to being a narcissist. My mother was always “the martyr” but she plays many roles. I don’t want to be like her, but I think I might have caused some damage by being the opposite (too honest and open). I’m not in a place where I feel like I can trust a “mental health professional”. I don’t trust any new people. I don’t trust my “people picker”. Thank you again.
Its so disturbing that we are forced to be born into roles such as scapegoat or even golden child. I think its pretty awesome if the golden child sees the dysfunction and protects the scapegoat, but in my experience the golden child is the worst parts of both narcissistic parents, and inherit the superiority complex. I have been told by family that i have an inferiority complex. Im starting to learn thanks to psychoyherapists such as yourself that itvis their superiority complex that causes my inferiority complex. Have a great memorial day weekend and keep fighting the war against narcissism!! ❤
I’ve been no contact with my narcissistic mother for over 7 years and I realized that as painful as it’s been…I’m free! I am free in ways my Golden Child sibling could never be and will never be! I sometimes see little children/siblings and I feel so sad for the way we were turned against each other. Narcissistic abuse is evil.
I think it’s the Scapegoat who has more self awareness than the Golden Child. With healing and support we have a good chance of creating much healthier relationships in the future.
@@dawnette245 I totally agree. In my case, I suspect that maybe the self-awareness and the sense of what was right and what was wrong in that situation had something to do with me becoming the scapegoat. Sadly, it wasn't enough to help me avoid all of the shame, self-doubt, etc. that goes with that whole thing. Little kids don't have a chance against the adults in their lives.
Jay Reid, this is a video I’ve been hoping you’d create since I discovered your channel last year. The truth of it brought me to tears. I played the Golden Child, and though the Scapegoat was the first to label our family dysfunctional decades ago, it was I who awakened to narcissistic abuse first. I fire-hosed my family trying to evangelize my realizations, which was ineffective. So I went no contact to work on my healing, and I frequently look at your 3 pillars listed on a post-it in my kitchen. My favorite quote from this video is when Matt (SG) said to Marsha (GC), “Almost like getting hooked on heroin from an early age, our mother shot you up with praise from the start. You had no choice but to grow addicted to it at the expense of your own free will.” This is my story exactly. Until I awakened, I mistook praise for love. I wasn’t loved because I wasn’t known or seen. Now, I love me, I protect and nourish me, and I am the parent my inner child always deserved. I am healing and becoming a healthy adult, and I’m self made in that regard. Thank you Jay Reid.
I shifted from the golden child to the scapegoat as I've healed / got healthier, neither role is safe or allows you to be actually you - thank You for the video, Jay ❤
I've often wondered if there is any real difference. Perhaps the main difference is the child's willingness to tolerate conflict. Any Golden Child is in freefall, if the narc parent doesn't get thier needs met.
I made the mistake of trying to connect to two of my siblings. I was villified by both of them, and eventually accepted complete no contact with any of them. This reconcilliation if it happens...will never be successfully initiated by the scapegoat.
Thanks for this one. As the scapegoat, I cant help but think the golden child had it much easier - and still does… whilst I was physically and emotionally abused, then ostracised and smeared, she was loved, respected, secure and safe within the family. Her attitude towards me is a mirror now of my mother - dismissive, contemptuous and punitive. We are in our late forties now. The kicker? She’s a psychologist…. 🤢
my sister is getting her degree too 😂 it’s so ironic. People have to be careful choosing a psychologist ~ there has been studies showing a lot of them are not psychologically well themselves. Imagine the damage they can do to people psychologically let alone what can be done for financial motives by psychiatrists. Also, doctors and psychologists used to be more independent and now things are much more centralized which has further implications for society. (I’d trust someone like Jay for sure but I think he’s a part of the cream of the crop, meaning not so easy to find.)
@dkblue9331, same here. As we've gotten older, I can see that my sister is in worse shape. She doesn't realize it, living in her fantasy world. She checks all the narcissistic boxes. Our parents are gone now and there is no reason for contact anymore. Peace to you.
My golden child sis is also a psychologist. Lots of them choose this career to try and make sense of their own family dysfunction. They are required to go through a little therapy in school, which only makes them think they are "fixed " then they're unleashed on the world to project like crazy.
It's not worth it. I just gave up. As a scapegoat you can't convince them of the horror you've been through. Even if they subconsciously know - they'll never admit it, because for them you're still a lower being. That's how they learned to perceive you. I can't feel sorry for them, they had it a million times better than you . I'll just let them enjoy their golden cocoon - far away from me.
Exactly. Even if they witnessed some of the horror, they won’t admit it (they bury it). They do this not because we are “lower,” but because they want the thing they have (being the golden). In my family, the golden gets financially rewarded, as well as praised.
@@SuziQ. You're right. By defending the scapegoat they would lose their privileges. Even if they have to join the narcissist in bullying, they will do so to maintain their position. They get all the benefits and family resources, unfortunately.
Leaving pretty much solidifies them as the golden child forever, but honestly, leaving solidifies you as the eternal winner/cycle breaker. YOUR kids will never know the pain of zero unconditional love from their parents/grandparents/extended family, and not getting to know their grandkids is going to kill them slowly from the inside. Behind your back, of course, because they can't talk about 'your betrayal' without role-reversing and making themselves out to be the victims, which they won't be able to do if you're able to defend yourself. They're sick. The best thing that you can do is thank God that you avoided catching their sickness and get out in one piece if you can. Besides, when the war starts, these people will be incredibly vulnerable. You won't have to wait long. Just be patient.
@@Hyderagean It's true. When you're far away, you don't care anymore about their relations. Narcissist still blames you for everything, and their golden clild is there to "wipe their tears", but all of that just don't bother you anymore 🤷
I tres to talk to my brother about my abuse and just got gaslit, he said “mom didn’t know what else to do, she did her best” . Apparently my evil abusive mother was the victim, not me .
My golden child brother relished feeling special and my mom bowed to him, while scapegoating me and was an evil punishing narcissist. He relied on his $ and looks, and walked around like sunshine came out of his ass. As he got older, I watched as he became a failure at life, because his expectations that the world would roll the red carpet out for him just because he was so deserving didn't happen. Failed relationships, failed marriage, failed businesses. No girl was good enough for him. His health and looks faded, now in his 50's his decline continues- he never deveoped skills and his entitlement remains strong. I'm successful in all areas of life - worked hard and had an outlook and personality that made the results very different. My challenges have been working on scapegoat issues, but even that is getting better. He really is clueless, and now in our 50's he still acts like that guy who peaked in high school and doesn't realize everyone else has moved on and sees you as you really are, even if he doesn't.
My sibling was a golden child bc she was deemed as "gifted " by her pre-k teacher. That made intensified the scapegoating for me, but little did they know i was teaching my sibling because i was going to school and seeing other stidents in my class who could not read and didnt want her to be like that. She thought i tolerated too much from our parent but she doesnt understand the programming of fear at a very early age takes hold and is difficult to break out of. My sibling was praised just for doing well in school, and had little responsibility in terms of house chores. Although i excelled in school, nobody wanted to acknowledge me as gifted and my creative gifts were often ignored or put down.
You are one of the most gifted Dr's on YT I recommend you to everyone I'm really happy to see you reach almost 50k I think it will triple & more.. Thank you for your tireless selfless diligent work for us on this horrific lethal mental illness & crime extinction scourge because of you & others we will work to turn down the volume on npd get it treated & prosecuted when it involves crime & over time prevent these crimes
@@SuziQ. Narcissists use the inheritance as leverage. They are heavily materialistic, so they imagine everyone else is too - Wrong. One of the final straws for my complete dissociation was when I was threatened to be cut from the Will, when I deliberately didnt help my parents move house. They are wealthy and hired a moving company, and also my "mother" tried to bully and intimidate me to help, like an evil witch, which is why I stood my ground and refused, and it was also the beginning of challenging the narcissists rules (one of the pillars of recovery that Jay talks about).
My mother lavished all her attention on one of the grandchildren. This adult grandchild turned into an old witch on my mother's death. She and my sister both abused me, they believed they were more important and no one else mattered except them.
I'm the youngest of four brothers raised by a narcissistic mother. The oldest is the golden child, and was diagnosed with schizophrenia after a breakdown at college in the 90s and lives with her, heavily-medicated, as a dependent. The other two brothers psychologically and emotionally abused me throughout childhood. Both are still narcissistic and one has MS and lives with her as well. Me, the scapegoat, has gone low contact for my own safety, as I'm still negatively impacted by malignant behavior from this family system well into my 40s.
Thank you for discussing the Golden child. This is exactly how I grew up, Golden child, perfectly described. It was very difficult to make mom happy. The "special bond" was suffocating for me. So much fawning. There was a lot I didn't get but it was hard for others to believe that too, esp my scapegoated sibling. My autonomy was not acceptable. Not a gift to be a favorite. Individuating has taken several decades in adulthood.
It’s crazy cause my golden child younger sister works in the mental health field for the state and is until 10 years ago we were super close and she was on my side with our narcissistic mother then it was like overnight she just became cold and distant with me . Even when her abusive boyfriend tried to come over and hurt her so I stayed with her so she she could feel safe and my mother came by and sided with the boyfriend. And I stood up to my mother for my sister and now my sister gaslights me as if it never happened and I’m just that stupid, like what are you even doing
It doesn't make sense when you stand up for one person being bullied by another abusive person and then the abused turns against you. Comorbid issues complicate the dysfunction and description of each person's roles. Why do parents side with their adult child's apparent abuser? Why does the abuse reject their champions support for the subjugation of their abuser? What makes the abused adult justify another adults abuse and dellusuonally reject the protective support of another looking out for them? Battered woman syndrome? Fulfilling the role a parent has painted like a chalk outline of why their adult child needs to put up with and succumb to their new abuser ( boss, spouse, their own adult child) doesn't matter who it is, as long as abusive parent gets to punish their adult child vicariously projecting onto them that they deserve the abuse of a new source and to stay in it, for x,y,&z reasons, then the narcissistic parent gets to continue to live out the roles they have designated Good/Bad Seen/Invisible Useful/Useless Accepted/Rejected Source of Pride/ Source of Shame The shallow depths of the narcissists relating is confusing only in that they are constantly playing out these roles and transferring them to their possessions "THEIR children" belong to them and are a reflection of their internal world like puppets dancing to their moody whims and faulty value system.
YES, my formerly close sister changed radically one day too. I think it was because she was having a midlife/career crisis (I feel very badly for her about it but it's nothing to do with me!). The last time she talked to me she weaponized mental health terms she probably learned on Instagram. She works in theatre and education and would never act towards anyone else the way she suddenly started treating me!
Thanks very helpful. I was the oldest daughter scapegoat, with 2 Golden Child younger sisters. One became a narcissist, the other in denial and addicted. Derision came from both. I think I fared better in the long run.
Well, I hope there are golden children out there who still kept their humanity. In my experience they can easily turn into narcissists themselves, so keep that in mind if you're a scapegoated child who is thinking about a heart to heart with your sibling
tsuki, I don’t think I’ll attempt a heart to heart with my sister. She nearly physically attacked me a couple of years ago (just like she did all throughout high school). She’s the golden, and has always been part of the gaslighting of my life. 😢
In my case there is no such thing as an innocent golden child - they might seem inocuous in comparison with others in the system but in my case were always communal narcissists, a type with a submissive interpersonal style. Morality and empathy doesn't go along with scapegoating - victimization is no excuse for it.
As a former estranged golden child, my story is so peculiar that I feel like sharing, hoping someone can relate. I am the only boy and last child, I have 3 older sisters. My mom was very hostile to them, as far as I can remember, while she chose me as the good example of the family. However she made me obese, she taught me to always put others needs over mine (which led me to be sexually abused) and she DID NOT protect me when one of my sisters consistently and daily abused me verbally and phisically. Over time one of my sisters left her son at home with my parents, and so my mother turned to him for validation, while I became something in the middle between an helper and an invisible child. For years I only had very superficial relationship with my sisters, but after realizing my mother is sick and after I learned about narcissism, I am the one who is trying to promote closeness with my siblings and teach them about how not to be triggered by my mother's constant guilt tripping and victimhood. I am now no contact, and she blames my sisters for that, which makes me very angry. Basically I was the golden child only because I didn't have the period.... Period.
@@domeatown everyone loses... you are so right. We need to turn the table on them and live a life that makes sense to us outside of the roles they imposed on us. It's the only way forward. Hugs.
I was the golden child who turned into the scapegoat with my sister. She was the scapegoat all our upbringing and I believe she still has a lot of anger and rage towads me for not knowing sooner than when I became the scapegoat when we were teens. I empathized with her and apologized to her for perpetuating our father's abuse towards her when we were young. However, she still takes out her anger on me in adulthood. After our dad passed away, all of her anger towards him shifted to me. Now she's just another version of him and I'm her scapegoat. I had to go no contact and I dont know how to or if I should even open the relationship back up. I wish she could see that he's the one who did this and that we don't have to operate under his destructive system anymore. He stunted us so horribly.
I just finished your book- I purchased it as an audiobook- and it was so really life changing. As I am healing, I found that when I would go back to feeling down and overwhelmed with shame and it helped pulled me out of it pretty quickly. It helped me realizes that I wasn't tripping and let go of the old beliefs that had been projected onto me as a child and in toxic relationships. You have also inspired me to go back to school and study clinical psychology to better help support the families I work with as a Behavior Analyst. Thank you so much!!!!
My GC sister had good reason to boot me out of the family. She considered herself the ‘black sheep’ when I was living a relatively normal life. She got pregnant at an early age, then married some maniac with loads of kids to different women who abused the children she already had. They had a child together & when that marriage split, she handed over her 3 year old son to the guy for full custody cos she didn’t want to raise him herself. Leading up to this she committed fraud at a Company she worked for & they took 3 years to find out. My father convinced them not to press charges so all they did was make her pay the money back over years & she complained all the time she didn’t have any spending money due to having to pay back the money she had stolen. She then married again to a guy with 4 kids who was soon charged with threatening to kill his ex wife & it went to trial. I myself trained to be a teacher and had one marriage and one child. But she’s my mother’s GC and even after all she did to our family, I am apparently the crazy one! I will never ever reconcile with her…. She’s evil and has been quite happy for me to look like the problem in the family instead of her.
I can't really define myself as either one of those in a consistent manner. My older siblings were definitely in the scapegoat realm whereas I got the smaller end of the stick so to speak. In my teens, the dynamic changed once I became famous at my school for playing the piano and being on of the best students. From that point on my mother was suddenly very supportive because she gained a huge amount of validation from teachers, friends etc. basically basking in my glory as my mother. Funny enough the school even used me as a golden child and I remember being critizised for not fulfilling their expectations at several occasions because I basically became their "school brand student" and they wanted me to align myself with the image they had in mind (in terms of the way I act, dress,attending specific classes, etc.). The Dynamic to my mother changed repeatedly over time when my youngest brother gained more of the golden child status. For example, I remember her becoming suspiciously furious at me when I dare to make too much noise, "interrupting" his studies when he was at home. It seems to me like being the scapegoat or the golden child is actually just 2 sides of the same coin and you might varyingly find yourself on either side throughout the whole dynamic, at least in my experience. What I notice is that it seems like from my mothers view, she is subconsiouly scanning for opportunities to latch onto whenever one of my siblings is doing good. She is always quick to claim some kind of validation through the efforts of her children. She is an expert at making everything about herself, no matter what you talk about. She doesn't do anything else in conversation. Everything is about her. I don't even know who this person is. I don't even know who I am. What the f...
@@sponkmcdonk3898Indeed. Cancel Culture/Hateful Comments (Scapegoating), Overemphasis on Success,"Love",Wealth,Beauty (Golden Child"ing). It's the same dynamic. Fkin insane if you observe it from this informed perspective.
This is so true. Im the scapegoat of my family and my brother is the Golden child. He's 43 and Still lives at home because our mom is a npd and BPD woman. I'm treated as a perish just like all scapegoats are treated as periahs. I tried to make peace with jy brother but he's unable to see anything i say and I've tried to recomcileate with him and make peace. But he rushes away and won't make peace. Ive tried and he won't hear it. Like all of us sapegoats i got into therapy, or most of us have. And like jay says everything is textbook in my family and my mom has treated me horribly over my life. And she forced my brother and i against each other as babies and toddlers. Shed have my brother yell and spit on oir dad and my dad had me do things to our mom too. It was all extremely toxic and till even today i got an email From m being telling me to never talk to him about how our mom treated me vs him. And our dad vs her. She did a lot of stuff to hurt my dad and me as i am my dad's favorite. My brother is a grown man and is so babied hes kinda like Peter pan. He never wants to grow up and sleeps all day and is up all night. And terrorizes our mom and anyone and everyone he can. And my sister has her bad attitude Also and treated me as the scapegoat and still does. My family abuse was so horrible i developed skitzophrenia from trauma induced by family abuse. So much so i had 3 psychotic breaks by the time i was 22 living at home under my BPD and NPD Moms tyranny. But i moved out and escaped. But still sm dependent on them bcz of my skitzophrenia. It's a horrible situation. And im so traumatized from all the abuse i have a hard time reaching out and asking for help from friends who've offered to help me. All bcz my brother and mom threatened me to not reach out to make them look bad. It's a toxic system and a toxic situation. Im slowly breaking through the tyranny and trying to reach out. But BPD with NPD comorbid and a lot of manipulation is really hard to deal with. I'm in therapy but it's not easy but I'm doing the work and breaking more and more away.
im wondering jay if the golden child becomes a narcissist themselves. i was the scapegoat but my sibling who was the golden child is definitely a narcissist
Wow, you have explained this so beautifully. It's uncanny how the details match my own life, brick porch included. The interesting thing is my GC sister and I used to be kind of on the same page about our mother. After having read a book in college, she came to me, realizing she was abused and seeking validation for it, about 35 years ago. But it seems she dissociated that long ago -- probably made the mistake of trying to discuss it with Mom. But when I, in my 40s, realized my mom had been a narcissist and started attending therapy, she was so unempathetic and threatened by that idea, that I started applying this laissez-faire principle back then. I just stopped talking about it with her; I didn't need her validation. Mom died about a decade ago, and things seemed ok. But a couple years ago she had a midlife/career crisis -- and her demeanor changed radically overnight. I think she got all her self esteem from Mom and her career... losing one was hard enough, but losing the second was intolerable. Suddenly she seemed to turn into my mom -- seeing in black and white, endlessly contemptuous and critical, overlooking her double standards in a now non-mutual relationship. She conducted a smear campaign in my family and sent the flying monkeys. Accepting Mom's narcissism and Dad's toxic codependence was easy compared to this. It's really hard to catch up when you have someone switch teams like this.
I am particularly appreciative of this video. Thank you, Jay, for helping me understand how goldens and scapegoats are equally disempowered by parents who perpetrate the abuse, and the passive parents that allow the abuse.
I couldn't see my sibling if I wanted to. They're so enmeshed my brother, his spouse and five kids all moved to a farm with Mom when Dad passed. And he's just like her now. I'm no contact now, and have no desire to try to kick that football again.
I was named (Bonehead) he insisted everyone call me (Bonehead). Every day relentlessIy I was called stupid, pathetic, useless, you will never achieve anything, we are in this mess because of you, it’s all your fault, I can’t stand the sight of you! These videos are painful but absolute treasure - finding the truth is wonderful!
I had no idea there were terms for something that I thought might be unique to my family’s particular dynamic. I didn’t know this was textbook modus operandi for narcissists. If it isn’t already obvious, I was a scapegoat. Man how I wish I had the resources and connections to work with a practitioner this knowledgeable about abuse I’ve been trying to rationalize and explain my whole life. I think it’d be a game-changer for me.
Thank you so much for your explanation! It is helpful for the scapegoat child when we are able to see the abuse of the golden child! It helps us to be more balanced and less anger focused! Again I want to thank you!
I was fortunate in that I was the scapegoat, my brother was the golden child. But, we were friends. No matter how they pit us against each other. I knew it was all a ruse, and he knew it, too. But now that we are old and I'm refusing to accept things anymore, he has taken a neutral role instead of being completely objective. Which has hurt our relationship. He doesn't want me to continue as the scapegoat, but can't be completely realistic about what it was that occured. He is still my friend. It has been an unfortunate strain, tho. I am glad I have learned I can love my family, and still keep them over there lol. Good fences make good neighbors. I'm glad that between my therapist and insightful internet folks, I have learned I can love a tank full of sharks without skinny dipping in it lolololololll
Exactly. They'll stick with the one who will never, ever leave them, no matter what they do. The one who reacts to everything. The one who naively believes words over actions. The one who thinks they're less than the narcissist and will apologize for things even when not their fault. The one who makes excuses for them and who easily forgives to keep the peace.
I have always been clear on this. The golden child has bad parents too, just less bad, they get a change of having RESOURCES emotional/mental/physical(their body doesn't get destroy from the same amount & type of abuse)/material & so, they have ALL the means to distance themselves if they want to in order to survive, to have self steem...dont they DON'T NEED to totally brake relations or distance themselves from the family & everyone the family knows to get a sense of deserving good,not being put last,self love etc, because they were always given those thgs & ALLOWED to have them & develop them inside their family & everyone around them that the family knew or that could know the family. There was only a thg that came together with that: we r going to make harm to ur sibling with the reason of it being defective/bad, the "only" thg we r gonna obligate u to do in other not to harm u also is that u blindly trust/believe our reason is true; that u really can to believe it & see it so urself, that u agree with our judgment & ALSO with our WAY to want to ACT UPON THAT JUDGMENT, hence: cause that sibiling harm for being defective/bad. So u ALSO can't go against us in our pushiment, & u ALSO have to PARTICIPATE in the way to act towards this wrong person/ wrongdoing person... The life of the goldem child depended on this: on them taking that same veredict & participating on the scapegoat damaging; if they didn't agree to see the scapegoat that way and to participate in harming it that way, they would have being MORE harm as well; but sometimes that is life, u only get the choice of harming other to prevent more harm to urself or die/be harm urself if u dont agree. & those REAL good people prefer to choose to suffer more, if that is the only way they have not to cause harm & abuse others.
yes, there were a few strange occasions where I was offered the golden child role… but I refused it, knowing what it meant…. even with all she did to me, I didn’t want to do it to her. “Maybe you’re the good one and she’s the bad one” bait. Sort of reminds me of the moral predicament of the Kapos in Germany… the ones who chose that path and survived wished they’d chosen death. These psychological slave-making structures (and aligning psychology with the powerful on top for survival and engaging in persecution) are everywhere.
I managed to keep my warm relationship with my younger brother, despite me being the scapegoat and him the golden child. I always thought that my situation is average before I started the healing process and learned more and more about it. But now I see that we're somewhat non-typical, and I'm glad that we managed to do it. I think it's mainly because our mother doesn't like young children, finds them annoying and bothersome, so she's dumped my brother on me when he was a toddler and I was about 6-7. He followed me around like a little duckling because no one else was willing to pay attention to him. So I kinda was his second mom at that point, and at first it annoyed me, but I couldn't abandon him. Especially since I was lonely too. And by the time our mother decided that he's old enough to be her good child and I'm her bad child (mostly on the basis of him being very obedient and me growing rebellious), I think we just bonded too much already. So when she started all the classic triangulation and started beating and humiliating me in front of him, I started freezing and dissociating and we grew somewhat isolated from each other. But I could never hate him because I understood that he didn't choose this and it's all on her, he was just as powerless as I was. And he, it seems, didn't quite believe our mother too, just couldn't disagree with her. So he was stuck between me and our mother, but we still were secret allies here and there. And now I'n low contact with our mother, but he still tries hard to appease her, even though he has a wife and a child. I tried to talk him out of it, but I feel like he feels guilty and I shouldn't push, it's not my place. But, oddly enough, his wife reminds me of me, it was a very startling realization.
The narcissistic parents turn a blind eye to the infractions of the golden child. The golden child can litter in plain view, and one parent says to the other, “I don’t see any police.” The golden child could beat up a neighbor child in the front yard. The narcissistic parent looks out the window to watch and casually strolls away. The incident is never mentioned. Meanwhile, the scapegoat is punished endlessly, in a myriad of ways, often for paltry or nonexistent infractions. Reconciliation between the golden child and the scapegoat child is highly unlikely.
Our brother was the golden child, I was scapegoat. Our younger sister was a little bit of both, depending what day it was. Total confusion. We are older and wiser now, although not healed.
Very insightful video on the golden child, I wondered whether the golden child was really the favourite and loved one by the parent, thanks for giving clarity that neither scapegoat or golden child gains a true identity. Loved the illustrations too, thanks again Jay🙏Happy to see Brizo 🐾🐾this week 🤗Have a happy and restful weekend 🌟🦋🌈
I really look forward to your videos each week. They are very helpful. They have helped me so much! Thank you Jay. I realize why my golden child sibling might've felt such a loyalty to our disturbed mom. My sibling was born with ichthyosis vulgaris covering 80% of her body. My mother has alopecia. I do not have either affliction. I understand why they treated me so viciously. I feel sorry for both of them. But I have to keep my distance because they are constantly angry at me and it was devastating and extremely painful to be on the receiving end of their self- hatred.
I was the scapegoat child and my sister was the golden child and in our older age we live together. She has become the narcissist. I love my sister with all my heart and I know what she went through. I have compassion for her but I do not give up my own choices as she would like me to. This causes some contention but I have remained firm on my boundaries. I know our relationship would be much worse if I had just given in and let her make all my choices for me. I want us to have as healthy relationship as possible. I really appreciate your added information. It has taught me a lot!
I give up. I've been in no contact with my mother for 13 years and I can't relate to anything like this or anything else I ever try to look up. The only conclusion I can come to is I'm just a lousy person.
Can you make two lists: things that you like about yourself, and things that you don’t like about yourself? That might be a helpful place to start. Lousy people don’t generally look for help.
Thank you so much for this perspective.It is so so helpful and so accurate.As a golden child I am just discovering the depth and full effects of this which takes a lot of absorbing and which had devastating consequences on my brother who was the scapegoat.I too hope that one day I can get to talk to my brother about this and for us both to be able to make sense of it together.Thank you again
My GC brother sure seems to be winning. He gets everything he wants and needs, no one questions him and if he feels even slightly self conscious our narc parents will make sure to fluff his ego back up. Maybe one day he'll try and power pose on the wrong person, but he's been pretty fortunate so far.
I was a scapegoat in my family of origin and married a golden child and his parents treat me as the scapegoat and it’s so difficult for my husband to see the truth of how his parents treat me. Toxic loyalty! His brother was the scapegoat. Can the parents reverse the roles for children later in life? I’ve heard parents can go back and forth creating a competition amongst the siblings. I’d be interested in a video on being the scapegoat with in-laws.
Can the relationship between the Scapegoat Child and the Lost Child be similar to that of the Scapegoat and Golden children? And what are some of the common avenues that allow one sibling to abuse another when they are able both living under a narcissistic parent? My siblings and I were all able to come to terms and see our mother's abuse for what it was shortly after we entered adulthood. I definitely recognize that my older sister was put into the scapegoat role as a young child and she was physically abused in ways that I wasn't by our mother. My older sister would often blame me for not receiving as much physical abuse or criticism, but then she would take it out on me and abuse me in turn, all from a very young age. I would try to hide this abuse as much as I could because I was afraid of my older sister getting in more trouble and blaming me even more.
I was the sg. My sister was the g.c. I was lucky that I rebelled and got away. The thing is, that when the g.c. succeeded as a child, it was rewarded. But individuation and real success was ultimately seen as a threat. My sister died at age 30 after loosing her job. Thank God I was the s.g.!
Apparently in some families the roles are flexible and may change from day to day, or, if the golden child starts individuating and getting healthy as an adult they may be deemed the new scapegoat.
Short term, my family's Golden Child prospered more due to not having to receive the abuse that led me to mental and physical illness and a loss of productivity. But now they have few friends and trouble dating because their behavior was never reined in by our parents. And unfortunately, this caused them to continue the cycle of abuse. Including open participation in mine. I have sympathy for SOME Golden Children as a scapegoat, but its also important to note not all of them are good. A bone I have to pick with the depiction of Golden Children in Encanto (otherwise a good depiction of a dysfunctional family) is that the grown adult Isabella was very ab*sive and toxic towards the MC Mirabel, but it ended with Mirabel apologizing to HER for "not understanding how hard it was to be a Golden CHild". Being the Golden CHild wasn't an excuse for what Isabella did.
Well, I am going to watch but it's difficult for me not to believe my Golden Child sibling (actually two of them) absolutely win. I'm the oldest. My life has absolutely imploded due to illness, spousal abandonment, etc, and they're both doing fabulous and have zero concern whatsoever for me or my son. They have all joined together and it very much feels like I am being kicked when I'm down, at the absolute worst place in my 53 years. Don't worry, we're not in contact, but that's not my doing. However I can't see myself ever having anything to do with them if I survive this. I'm grieving my entire family, my marriage and the loss of my daughter 29 years ago. It is beyond difficult to go on or get through a day. Being the scapegoat is a horrible, God awful curse from hell.
🙏🏼💖 if only everyone just did an hour at the porch then maybe we’d be more healed lol The household division of labor is an area I’m praying to pour more love into and pray that it improves
Hi. I’m so glad I found your channel . Thank you 🙏🙏 I’m super anxious though. I think I’ve never felt so proud and angry at the same time . Is this normal for anyone else ? Thxs
I think it's heresy to equate golden child and scapegoat child experience. Golden child get way much more credit than they deserve and have much better social skills and no trauma from daily mistreatment that impairs cognitive development as well as emotional development. Even talented and skilled scapegoats have to go through a lot to be recognised due to years of damage. I think you need to do a comparative analysis on scapegoat child and golden child within same family to understand how much damage the scapegoat suffers and how many advantages the golden child enjoys.
Do narcissist families project each other's traits onto the scapegoat. Example the golden child is selfish the scapegoat is not but the narcissistic parent calls the scapegoat child selfish.
I feel like my GC brother is very, very angry at me for relinquishing my SG role and cutting them all off. He tries to contact my adult daughters to trash talk me and cause arguments, and I imagine this is his attempt to drag me back into the toxic dynamic. It doesn’t work; I wash my hands of my family of origin, and at least one of my daughters has blocked him. I think he has a cauldron of repressed hatred towards our mother and it’s there at all times… like a powder keg ready to explode. He would be hating the fact that in our 40s he will be the one who has to attend to the ol’ battle axe as she ages. Ha! Cry me a river.
the feeling of being angry that my brother gets everything and me and my scapegoat brother get the scraps maybe is it normal to have the feeling of waiting for family including parents and extended family to die. so even if i am in the agony of being alone i wont have to deal with being with ppl and still alone? different kind of suffering? also these roles fluctuate as time and circumstances change. wee a confusing fucked mess. i wonder always when i am moving away am i the problem am i harsh am i the one being unreasonable / am i just wrong and they "insert name" right. and i am actually the problem and still a small part of me says no. what u said on another video about deciding if ppl are a good fit to me to be my friend rings out often.
It's crazy how the siblings think you would agree to stay in the scapegoat role once you understand what is happening. They have been convinced that you are defective by the narcissist.
So true.
Facts. My sister told me I was the reason she would not have kids. Never mind the brain injuries I survived from shaken baby syndrome =parental abuse.
@@decemberkat She's blaming you, but it might be good that she doesn't have kids, if she doesn't work on past traumas. You had it worse, but she also was traumatized. The fact that she can identify more with the abusers because she was treated more favorably, I believe, makes it harder for her to break free of the crazy narrative that was presented to you both.
It IS crazy to us, and it would be for most people, but it is not crazy to the narcissist and the golden one(s) because they live in the twisted world that the narcissist has made. And the more invested this sibling(s) is in his/her false superiority, the less likely they will ever find the exit from that world.
And you are blamed abused and punished if you won't accept that role.
I’ve never seen the golden child held to account for a single thing they didi, any shortcomings were glossed over and ignored. Whereas I have had it drummed I it me for decades that I am worthless, I am a non entity.
Total dissociation as soon as possible. It takes time to arrive at this resolution, but once you do.......its over. First its relief, then anger, then disgust at what they did to you.
Anger and disgust mainly at the head narcissist, but then also everyone else who was complicit and just followed along, smug and happy to not be the lowest in the hierarchy. "I am higher than the scapegoat, yes that seems appropriate, I am a better person, as has been confirmed by mommy and daddy".
Big ol' middle finger and a f*ck you to all of them.
The golden child is often complicit in the abuse directed toward the scapegoat.
My older golden child sister was clever. She knew my mom was quick to punish me. When my sister was upset with me she would set me up with my mother and accuse me of being disrespectful or some other accusation. This would set my mother off and she would begin her tirade toward me. My sister would sit nearby, with quiet satisfaction and a slight grin on her face. It worked every time.
I once tried to reason with my sister and told her that our mom controlled her. My sister believed our mother’s control was well meaning and sourced in love.
Yes, my sister did the same thing and now that I am healed she wants me to get back to my role. Hahaha not happening
Ditto … my sister would lie, sending physical violence my way. It was like teeing up a little league ball on a stand so my dad could come and hit it. It was almost like she could feel his tension building and would give him an excuse for releasing rage. I too saw the cold satisfaction from false victimhood. She played “weak”, played victim whilst being 💯 in the power position as “golden child.”
It’s wild to think about how this exists in larger human systems as well. There’s so much that’s known about psychology now that could be used to help build healthy human systems from the ground up to national leadership, but instead this information is weaponized/used by vast majority“elites” in power positions. Sadly, they never leave a thing on the table that could give them more control/anything they want. I’ve been studying embodied cognition (book Metaphors We Live By and talks by the author) and it’s incredible the psychological and political implications. It’s being used by AI developers and for propaganda instead of helping humanity escape these slave-making psychological systems ! It does help me sort of understand how so many people have trouble escaping being diabolical ! Our brains are embodied through metaphorical structures created by stories/language - non-empathy becomes wired in the brains and physiology. All abusers find ways to excuse/rationalize their actions hiding (mostly) behind unconscious reasons (status/greed/power or alignment with those in power). This information could be changing education, psychological education, politics, everything. It’s so true that the people suffer from a lack of knowledge! I know I sure did! This scapegoat thing is a psychological human system thing. I still believe in Creator and the spiritual aspects of all this big time ~ but understanding how psychology/philosophy is in our neurology/language/biology could help change the world if it were used as a tool, not a weapon 💜 I think there’s hope for humanity, if only grassroots can use all this new information! Most of the studies have been done with our own tax dollars!
@@juneelle370 Very well said, I agree with you wholeheartedly. Narcissism is being programmed into humanity and has been for quite a while. You see it more and more especially when dealing with younger generations. Their minds are set on Deceive,Swindle, Take,Contro etc etc. I hope like you that things can swing in the other direction eventually.
In my family, it was the opposite. My demon mother would set me up, and fuel the fire… and then my demon golden brother would come after me (while she “innocently” enjoyed every minute of her indirect abuse of me 😈😈). He has no idea she was totally manipulating him the whole time 🙄🙄
I appreciate your insight into dynamics of human nature , but could you give me the right direction, advise, on how to move forward with an office manager (not parant in this circumstance) who repeatedly bosses me around & makes up her own rules concerning .y living space. Thank you in advance
Most of the time the golden child becomes an entitled narcissist too. They are highly unlikely to ever willingly step off their throne and not be treated better than the rest. Leave them in the dust.
I haven't talked to my only sister in a year and a half because she suddenly seems to have dropped her mask and turned into my mother!
I’m afraid that I’ll turn into a narcissist, after decades of abuse. I’ve isolated myself from my family as much as possible, but I’ve noticed myself saying “I” and “my” and venting to my only friends. I still have empathy, and I haven’t turned into a pathological liar, but I’m so afraid of being like my mother or my sister, in different yet toxic ways.
@@SuziQ. You are having insight into yourself, which is a good indicator you're not a narcissist. You may have complex trauma, and you may have learned some behaviors that are not optimal. But it seems like you can look at yourself, which is a great sign.
@@SuziQ.Yo, using I and My are not narcissistic. Who taught you that? An actual narcissist who doesn't like hearing other people talk about themselves? F*ck them, if you're having any kind of day, you have a right to say so to whoever you want, and if they don't want to listen to you, they have a right to leave. Anyone who tries to steal your self-expression by chipping away at the way you speak, move, look, or any of the little things that don't actually matter is doing it for their own self-interest, not for yours. Even in the bible, God told people not to let themselves be treated like dogs by others, as well as to not treat themselves like dogs for the sake of others. Refusing to refer to yourself as YOURSELF isn't even being treated like a human being, and it's worse than treating yourself like a dog. There's not a single sane person in the world who would agree with that logic that using I or My in conversation means that you're selfish, especially not by saying something as stupid as 'at least now you're more self-aware,' implying that they knew you before this point, you weren't self-aware before, and now you are self-aware now that you're being triggered just by being yourself without the intent to harm anybody (which is the only thing you should ever judge anybody on).
This is what fake psychologists have done to people, and this is why I'm against people on UA-cam having psychology channels if they aren't actually licensed neurologist, psychiatrists or psychologists. They do so much more harm than good and end up isolating good people who are struggling with trauma by presenting them as narcissists, and with su*cide rates and isolationism at an all-time high, I believe they should be held responsible.
@@Hyderagean ,
Thank you for helping me understand. I’ve spent the last six years looking at my family’s dynamics, in a way I hadn’t seen it before. I’m still confused about a lot of it, like whether my dad was a narcissistic abuser, or simply a bully that my mother manipulated into hurting me (emotionally, verbally, and physically).
He’s been dead for over 25 years, and I now see my mother manipulating the rest of the family to keep me in the scapegoat role.
In the interim, my mother was married to an abusive man (Dad didn’t abuse her). I wonder if the scars he left caused her to become a narcissistic abuser, or if she always was one. I think it’s the latter, and that she picks men she can manipulate. I wonder if continuous abuse can lead to being a narcissist. My mother was always “the martyr” but she plays many roles.
I don’t want to be like her, but I think I might have caused some damage by being the opposite (too honest and open).
I’m not in a place where I feel like I can trust a “mental health professional”. I don’t trust any new people. I don’t trust my “people picker”.
Thank you again.
Its so disturbing that we are forced to be born into roles such as scapegoat or even golden child. I think its pretty awesome if the golden child sees the dysfunction and protects the scapegoat, but in my experience the golden child is the worst parts of both narcissistic parents, and inherit the superiority complex. I have been told by family that i have an inferiority complex. Im starting to learn thanks to psychoyherapists such as yourself that itvis their superiority complex that causes my inferiority complex. Have a great memorial day weekend and keep fighting the war against narcissism!! ❤
I’ve been no contact with my narcissistic mother for over 7 years and I realized that as painful as it’s been…I’m free! I am free in ways my Golden Child sibling could never be and will never be! I sometimes see little children/siblings and I feel so sad for the way we were turned against each other. Narcissistic abuse is evil.
I think it’s the Scapegoat who has more self awareness than the Golden Child. With healing and support we have a good chance of creating much healthier relationships in the future.
@@dawnette245 I totally agree. In my case, I suspect that maybe the self-awareness and the sense of what was right and what was wrong in that situation had something to do with me becoming the scapegoat. Sadly, it wasn't enough to help me avoid all of the shame, self-doubt, etc. that goes with that whole thing. Little kids don't have a chance against the adults in their lives.
When the golden child is also a pathological narcissist, there doesn't seem to be a way to reconciliation.
There isn't.
Jay Reid, this is a video I’ve been hoping you’d create since I discovered your channel last year. The truth of it brought me to tears. I played the Golden Child, and though the Scapegoat was the first to label our family dysfunctional decades ago, it was I who awakened to narcissistic abuse first. I fire-hosed my family trying to evangelize my realizations, which was ineffective. So I went no contact to work on my healing, and I frequently look at your 3 pillars listed on a post-it in my kitchen.
My favorite quote from this video is when Matt (SG) said to Marsha (GC), “Almost like getting hooked on heroin from an early age, our mother shot you up with praise from the start. You had no choice but to grow addicted to it at the expense of your own free will.”
This is my story exactly. Until I awakened, I mistook praise for love. I wasn’t loved because I wasn’t known or seen. Now, I love me, I protect and nourish me, and I am the parent my inner child always deserved. I am healing and becoming a healthy adult, and I’m self made in that regard.
Thank you Jay Reid.
I think it is just amazing and wonderful that you have done so well with cell healing! You deserve a lot of credit for that!
I shifted from the golden child to the scapegoat as I've healed / got healthier, neither role is safe or allows you to be actually you - thank You for the video, Jay ❤
I've often wondered if there is any real difference. Perhaps the main difference is the child's willingness to tolerate conflict. Any Golden Child is in freefall, if the narc parent doesn't get thier needs met.
I feel like the shift from golden child to scapegoat isn't covered very much and I wish I could learn more about others experiences with this.
@@OhMyNykkers agree, perhaps I will make videos on it 🤠
Wow this is interesting. Thanks for sharing.
I made the mistake of trying to connect to two of my siblings.
I was villified by both of them, and eventually accepted complete no contact with any of them.
This reconcilliation if it happens...will never be successfully initiated by the scapegoat.
Thanks for this one. As the scapegoat, I cant help but think the golden child had it much easier - and still does… whilst I was physically and emotionally abused, then ostracised and smeared, she was loved, respected, secure and safe within the family. Her attitude towards me is a mirror now of my mother - dismissive, contemptuous and punitive. We are in our late forties now. The kicker? She’s a psychologist…. 🤢
Yikes!😮
my sister is getting her degree too 😂 it’s so ironic. People have to be careful choosing a psychologist ~ there has been studies showing a lot of them are not psychologically well themselves. Imagine the damage they can do to people psychologically let alone what can be done for financial motives by psychiatrists. Also, doctors and psychologists used to be more independent and now things are much more centralized which has further implications for society.
(I’d trust someone like Jay for sure but I think he’s a part of the cream of the crop, meaning not so easy to find.)
@dkblue9331, same here. As we've gotten older, I can see that my sister is in worse shape. She doesn't realize it, living in her fantasy world. She checks all the narcissistic boxes. Our parents are gone now and there is no reason for contact anymore. Peace to you.
My golden child sis is also a psychologist. Lots of them choose this career to try and make sense of their own family dysfunction. They are required to go through a little therapy in school, which only makes them think they are "fixed " then they're unleashed on the world to project like crazy.
The worst narcs and sociopaths I've met are psychologists, "healers" and "shamans".
It's not worth it. I just gave up. As a scapegoat you can't convince them of the horror you've been through. Even if they subconsciously know - they'll never admit it, because for them you're still a lower being. That's how they learned to perceive you. I can't feel sorry for them, they had it a million times better than you . I'll just let them enjoy their golden cocoon - far away from me.
Exactly. Even if they witnessed some of the horror, they won’t admit it (they bury it). They do this not because we are “lower,” but because they want the thing they have (being the golden). In my family, the golden gets financially rewarded, as well as praised.
@@SuziQ. You're right. By defending the scapegoat they would lose their privileges. Even if they have to join the narcissist in bullying, they will do so to maintain their position. They get all the benefits and family resources, unfortunately.
Leaving pretty much solidifies them as the golden child forever, but honestly, leaving solidifies you as the eternal winner/cycle breaker.
YOUR kids will never know the pain of zero unconditional love from their parents/grandparents/extended family, and not getting to know their grandkids is going to kill them slowly from the inside. Behind your back, of course, because they can't talk about 'your betrayal' without role-reversing and making themselves out to be the victims, which they won't be able to do if you're able to defend yourself.
They're sick.
The best thing that you can do is thank God that you avoided catching their sickness and get out in one piece if you can. Besides, when the war starts, these people will be incredibly vulnerable. You won't have to wait long. Just be patient.
@@Hyderagean It's true. When you're far away, you don't care anymore about their relations. Narcissist still blames you for everything, and their golden clild is there to "wipe their tears", but all of that just don't bother you anymore 🤷
I tres to talk to my brother about my abuse and just got gaslit, he said “mom didn’t know what else to do, she did her best” . Apparently my evil abusive mother was the victim, not me .
My golden child brother relished feeling special and my mom bowed to him, while scapegoating me and was an evil punishing narcissist. He relied on his $ and looks, and walked around like sunshine came out of his ass. As he got older, I watched as he became a failure at life, because his expectations that the world would roll the red carpet out for him just because he was so deserving didn't happen. Failed relationships, failed marriage, failed businesses. No girl was good enough for him. His health and looks faded, now in his 50's his decline continues- he never deveoped skills and his entitlement remains strong. I'm successful in all areas of life - worked hard and had an outlook and personality that made the results very different. My challenges have been working on scapegoat issues, but even that is getting better. He really is clueless, and now in our 50's he still acts like that guy who peaked in high school and doesn't realize everyone else has moved on and sees you as you really are, even if he doesn't.
My sibling was a golden child bc she was deemed as "gifted " by her pre-k teacher. That made intensified the scapegoating for me, but little did they know i was teaching my sibling because i was going to school and seeing other stidents in my class who could not read and didnt want her to be like that. She thought i tolerated too much from our parent but she doesnt understand the programming of fear at a very early age takes hold and is difficult to break out of. My sibling was praised just for doing well in school, and had little responsibility in terms of house chores. Although i excelled in school, nobody wanted to acknowledge me as gifted and my creative gifts were often ignored or put down.
You are one of the most gifted Dr's on YT I recommend you to everyone I'm really happy to see you reach almost 50k I think it will triple & more.. Thank you for your tireless selfless diligent work for us on this horrific lethal mental illness & crime extinction scourge because of you & others we will work to turn down the volume on npd get it treated & prosecuted when it involves crime & over time prevent these crimes
Some golden’s enjoy their status and choose to be cowards.
My sister and now, her adult children, because of $$$$$.
@@SuziQ. Narcissists use the inheritance as leverage. They are heavily materialistic, so they imagine everyone else is too - Wrong. One of the final straws for my complete dissociation was when I was threatened to be cut from the Will, when I deliberately didnt help my parents move house. They are wealthy and hired a moving company, and also my "mother" tried to bully and intimidate me to help, like an evil witch, which is why I stood my ground and refused, and it was also the beginning of challenging the narcissists rules (one of the pillars of recovery that Jay talks about).
My mother lavished all her attention on one of the grandchildren. This adult grandchild turned into an old witch on my mother's death. She and my sister both abused me, they believed they were more important and no one else mattered except them.
I'm the youngest of four brothers raised by a narcissistic mother. The oldest is the golden child, and was diagnosed with schizophrenia after a breakdown at college in the 90s and lives with her, heavily-medicated, as a dependent. The other two brothers psychologically and emotionally abused me throughout childhood. Both are still narcissistic and one has MS and lives with her as well. Me, the scapegoat, has gone low contact for my own safety, as I'm still negatively impacted by malignant behavior from this family system well into my 40s.
I am so sorry for your situation!
Thank you for discussing the Golden child. This is exactly how I grew up, Golden child, perfectly described. It was very difficult to make mom happy. The "special bond" was suffocating for me. So much fawning. There was a lot I didn't get but it was hard for others to believe that too, esp my scapegoated sibling. My autonomy was not acceptable. Not a gift to be a favorite. Individuating has taken several decades in adulthood.
You are so welcome!
It’s crazy cause my golden child younger sister works in the mental health field for the state and is until 10 years ago we were super close and she was on my side with our narcissistic mother then it was like overnight she just became cold and distant with me . Even when her abusive boyfriend tried to come over and hurt her so I stayed with her so she she could feel safe and my mother came by and sided with the boyfriend. And I stood up to my mother for my sister and now my sister gaslights me as if it never happened and I’m just that stupid, like what are you even doing
It doesn't make sense when you stand up for one person being bullied by another abusive person and then the abused turns against you. Comorbid issues complicate the dysfunction and description of each person's roles.
Why do parents side with their adult child's apparent abuser?
Why does the abuse reject their champions support for the subjugation of their abuser?
What makes the abused adult justify another adults abuse and dellusuonally reject the protective support of another looking out for them?
Battered woman syndrome? Fulfilling the role a parent has painted like a chalk outline of why their adult child needs to put up with and succumb to their new abuser ( boss, spouse, their own adult child) doesn't matter who it is, as long as abusive parent gets to punish their adult child vicariously projecting onto them that they deserve the abuse of a new source and to stay in it, for x,y,&z reasons, then the narcissistic parent gets to continue to live out the roles they have designated Good/Bad
Seen/Invisible
Useful/Useless
Accepted/Rejected
Source of Pride/ Source of Shame
The shallow depths of the narcissists relating is confusing only in that they are constantly playing out these roles and transferring them to their possessions "THEIR children" belong to them and are a reflection of their internal world like puppets dancing to their moody whims and faulty value system.
YES, my formerly close sister changed radically one day too. I think it was because she was having a midlife/career crisis (I feel very badly for her about it but it's nothing to do with me!). The last time she talked to me she weaponized mental health terms she probably learned on Instagram. She works in theatre and education and would never act towards anyone else the way she suddenly started treating me!
Thanks very helpful. I was the oldest daughter scapegoat, with 2 Golden Child younger sisters. One became a narcissist, the other in denial and addicted. Derision came from both. I think I fared better in the long run.
My one younger golden child sibling was both the addict and the narcissist.
Well, I hope there are golden children out there who still kept their humanity. In my experience they can easily turn into narcissists themselves, so keep that in mind if you're a scapegoated child who is thinking about a heart to heart with your sibling
tsuki, I don’t think I’ll attempt a heart to heart with my sister. She nearly physically attacked me a couple of years ago (just like she did all throughout high school). She’s the golden, and has always been part of the gaslighting of my life. 😢
@@SuziQ. I think you do the right thing, honey. I support you
In my case there is no such thing as an innocent golden child - they might seem inocuous in comparison with others in the system but in my case were always communal narcissists, a type with a submissive interpersonal style. Morality and empathy doesn't go along with scapegoating - victimization is no excuse for it.
As a former estranged golden child, my story is so peculiar that I feel like sharing, hoping someone can relate. I am the only boy and last child, I have 3 older sisters. My mom was very hostile to them, as far as I can remember, while she chose me as the good example of the family. However she made me obese, she taught me to always put others needs over mine (which led me to be sexually abused) and she DID NOT protect me when one of my sisters consistently and daily abused me verbally and phisically. Over time one of my sisters left her son at home with my parents, and so my mother turned to him for validation, while I became something in the middle between an helper and an invisible child. For years I only had very superficial relationship with my sisters, but after realizing my mother is sick and after I learned about narcissism, I am the one who is trying to promote closeness with my siblings and teach them about how not to be triggered by my mother's constant guilt tripping and victimhood. I am now no contact, and she blames my sisters for that, which makes me very angry. Basically I was the golden child only because I didn't have the period.... Period.
My folks always loved the boys more, too. Glad you can see it, sad you can see it. Bit of both. Everyone loses in a system like this
@@domeatown everyone loses... you are so right. We need to turn the table on them and live a life that makes sense to us outside of the roles they imposed on us. It's the only way forward. Hugs.
@@usernane3652 hugs!
I was the golden child who turned into the scapegoat with my sister. She was the scapegoat all our upbringing and I believe she still has a lot of anger and rage towads me for not knowing sooner than when I became the scapegoat when we were teens. I empathized with her and apologized to her for perpetuating our father's abuse towards her when we were young. However, she still takes out her anger on me in adulthood. After our dad passed away, all of her anger towards him shifted to me. Now she's just another version of him and I'm her scapegoat. I had to go no contact and I dont know how to or if I should even open the relationship back up. I wish she could see that he's the one who did this and that we don't have to operate under his destructive system anymore. He stunted us so horribly.
I'm so sorry and I hope that some time in the future your situation can be rectified!
I just finished your book- I purchased it as an audiobook- and it was so really life changing. As I am healing, I found that when I would go back to feeling down and overwhelmed with shame and it helped pulled me out of it pretty quickly. It helped me realizes that I wasn't tripping and let go of the old beliefs that had been projected onto me as a child and in toxic relationships. You have also inspired me to go back to school and study clinical psychology to better help support the families I work with as a Behavior Analyst. Thank you so much!!!!
My GC sister had good reason to boot me out of the family. She considered herself the ‘black sheep’ when I was living a relatively normal life. She got pregnant at an early age, then married some maniac with loads of kids to different women who abused the children she already had. They had a child together & when that marriage split, she handed over her 3 year old son to the guy for full custody cos she didn’t want to raise him herself. Leading up to this she committed fraud at a Company she worked for & they took 3 years to find out. My father convinced them not to press charges so all they did was make her pay the money back over years & she complained all the time she didn’t have any spending money due to having to pay back the money she had stolen.
She then married again to a guy with 4 kids who was soon charged with threatening to kill his ex wife & it went to trial. I myself trained to be a teacher and had one marriage and one child. But she’s my mother’s GC and even after all she did to our family, I am apparently the crazy one! I will never ever reconcile with her…. She’s evil and has been quite happy for me to look like the problem in the family instead of her.
I can't really define myself as either one of those in a consistent manner.
My older siblings were definitely in the scapegoat realm whereas I got the smaller end of the stick so to speak.
In my teens, the dynamic changed once I became famous at my school for playing the piano and being on of the best students.
From that point on my mother was suddenly very supportive because she gained a huge amount of validation from teachers, friends etc. basically basking in my glory as my mother.
Funny enough the school even used me as a golden child and I remember being critizised for not fulfilling their expectations at several occasions because I basically became their "school brand student" and they wanted me to align myself with the image they had in mind (in terms of the way I act, dress,attending specific classes, etc.).
The Dynamic to my mother changed repeatedly over time when my youngest brother gained more of the golden child status.
For example, I remember her becoming suspiciously furious at me when I dare to make too much noise, "interrupting" his studies when he was at home.
It seems to me like being the scapegoat or the golden child is actually just 2 sides of the same coin and you might varyingly find yourself on either side throughout the whole dynamic, at least in my experience.
What I notice is that it seems like from my mothers view, she is subconsiouly scanning for opportunities to latch onto whenever one of my siblings is doing good.
She is always quick to claim some kind of validation through the efforts of her children.
She is an expert at making everything about herself, no matter what you talk about.
She doesn't do anything else in conversation.
Everything is about her.
I don't even know who this person is.
I don't even know who I am.
What the f...
We live in a narcissistic consumer culture. I think this is uniquely prevalent and severe these days
Social media
@@sponkmcdonk3898Indeed.
Cancel Culture/Hateful Comments (Scapegoating), Overemphasis on Success,"Love",Wealth,Beauty (Golden Child"ing). It's the same dynamic. Fkin insane if you observe it from this informed perspective.
This is so true. Im the scapegoat of my family and my brother is the Golden child. He's 43 and Still lives at home because our mom is a npd and BPD woman. I'm treated as a perish just like all scapegoats are treated as periahs. I tried to make peace with jy brother but he's unable to see anything i say and I've tried to recomcileate with him and make peace. But he rushes away and won't make peace. Ive tried and he won't hear it. Like all of us sapegoats i got into therapy, or most of us have. And like jay says everything is textbook in my family and my mom has treated me horribly over my life. And she forced my brother and i against each other as babies and toddlers. Shed have my brother yell and spit on oir dad and my dad had me do things to our mom too. It was all extremely toxic and till even today i got an email From m being telling me to never talk to him about how our mom treated me vs him. And our dad vs her. She did a lot of stuff to hurt my dad and me as i am my dad's favorite. My brother is a grown man and is so babied hes kinda like Peter pan. He never wants to grow up and sleeps all day and is up all night. And terrorizes our mom and anyone and everyone he can. And my sister has her bad attitude Also and treated me as the scapegoat and still does. My family abuse was so horrible i developed skitzophrenia from trauma induced by family abuse. So much so i had 3 psychotic breaks by the time i was 22 living at home under my BPD and NPD Moms tyranny. But i moved out and escaped. But still sm dependent on them bcz of my skitzophrenia. It's a horrible situation. And im so traumatized from all the abuse i have a hard time reaching out and asking for help from friends who've offered to help me. All bcz my brother and mom threatened me to not reach out to make them look bad. It's a toxic system and a toxic situation. Im slowly breaking through the tyranny and trying to reach out. But BPD with NPD comorbid and a lot of manipulation is really hard to deal with. I'm in therapy but it's not easy but I'm doing the work and breaking more and more away.
im wondering jay if the golden child becomes a narcissist themselves. i was the scapegoat but my sibling who was the golden child is definitely a narcissist
My sister seems to have become one, and many comments confirm this happened in their families too...
For me it was the opposite of whats usually described by psychaiatrists, the older scapegoat brother abused me.
Wow, you have explained this so beautifully. It's uncanny how the details match my own life, brick porch included. The interesting thing is my GC sister and I used to be kind of on the same page about our mother. After having read a book in college, she came to me, realizing she was abused and seeking validation for it, about 35 years ago. But it seems she dissociated that long ago -- probably made the mistake of trying to discuss it with Mom.
But when I, in my 40s, realized my mom had been a narcissist and started attending therapy, she was so unempathetic and threatened by that idea, that I started applying this laissez-faire principle back then. I just stopped talking about it with her; I didn't need her validation. Mom died about a decade ago, and things seemed ok.
But a couple years ago she had a midlife/career crisis -- and her demeanor changed radically overnight. I think she got all her self esteem from Mom and her career... losing one was hard enough, but losing the second was intolerable. Suddenly she seemed to turn into my mom -- seeing in black and white, endlessly contemptuous and critical, overlooking her double standards in a now non-mutual relationship. She conducted a smear campaign in my family and sent the flying monkeys.
Accepting Mom's narcissism and Dad's toxic codependence was easy compared to this. It's really hard to catch up when you have someone switch teams like this.
I am particularly appreciative of this video. Thank you, Jay, for helping me understand how goldens and scapegoats are equally disempowered by parents who perpetrate the abuse, and the passive parents that allow the abuse.
I couldn't see my sibling if I wanted to. They're so enmeshed my brother, his spouse and five kids all moved to a farm with Mom when Dad passed. And he's just like her now. I'm no contact now, and have no desire to try to kick that football again.
Trying to kick that football. Perfect description.
I was named (Bonehead) he insisted everyone call me (Bonehead). Every day relentlessIy I was called stupid, pathetic, useless, you will never achieve anything, we are in this mess because of you, it’s all your fault, I can’t stand the sight of you! These videos are painful but absolute treasure - finding the truth is wonderful!
I had no idea there were terms for something that I thought might be unique to my family’s particular dynamic. I didn’t know this was textbook modus operandi for narcissists. If it isn’t already obvious, I was a scapegoat. Man how I wish I had the resources and connections to work with a practitioner this knowledgeable about abuse I’ve been trying to rationalize and explain my whole life. I think it’d be a game-changer for me.
Thank you so much for your explanation! It is helpful for the scapegoat child when we are able to see the abuse of the golden child! It helps us to be more balanced and less anger focused! Again I want to thank you!
I was fortunate in that I was the scapegoat, my brother was the golden child. But, we were friends. No matter how they pit us against each other. I knew it was all a ruse, and he knew it, too. But now that we are old and I'm refusing to accept things anymore, he has taken a neutral role instead of being completely objective. Which has hurt our relationship. He doesn't want me to continue as the scapegoat, but can't be completely realistic about what it was that occured.
He is still my friend. It has been an unfortunate strain, tho.
I am glad I have learned I can love my family, and still keep them over there lol. Good fences make good neighbors.
I'm glad that between my therapist and insightful internet folks, I have learned I can love a tank full of sharks without skinny dipping in it lolololololll
Exactly. They'll stick with the one who will never, ever leave them, no matter what they do. The one who reacts to everything. The one who naively believes words over actions. The one who thinks they're less than the narcissist and will apologize for things even when not their fault. The one who makes excuses for them and who easily forgives to keep the peace.
I have always been clear on this. The golden child has bad parents too, just less bad, they get a change of having RESOURCES emotional/mental/physical(their body doesn't get destroy from the same amount & type of abuse)/material & so, they have ALL the means to distance themselves if they want to in order to survive, to have self steem...dont they DON'T NEED to totally brake relations or distance themselves from the family & everyone the family knows to get a sense of deserving good,not being put last,self love etc, because they were always given those thgs & ALLOWED to have them & develop them inside their family & everyone around them that the family knew or that could know the family. There was only a thg that came together with that: we r going to make harm to ur sibling with the reason of it being defective/bad, the "only" thg we r gonna obligate u to do in other not to harm u also is that u blindly trust/believe our reason is true; that u really can to believe it & see it so urself, that u agree with our judgment & ALSO with our WAY to want to ACT UPON THAT JUDGMENT, hence: cause that sibiling harm for being defective/bad. So u ALSO can't go against us in our pushiment, & u ALSO have to PARTICIPATE in the way to act towards this wrong person/ wrongdoing person... The life of the goldem child depended on this: on them taking that same veredict & participating on the scapegoat damaging; if they didn't agree to see the scapegoat that way and to participate in harming it that way, they would have being MORE harm as well; but sometimes that is life, u only get the choice of harming other to prevent more harm to urself or die/be harm urself if u dont agree. & those REAL good people prefer to choose to suffer more, if that is the only way they have not to cause harm & abuse others.
yes, there were a few strange occasions where I was offered the golden child role… but I refused it, knowing what it meant…. even with all she did to me, I didn’t want to do it to her. “Maybe you’re the good one and she’s the bad one” bait. Sort of reminds me of the moral predicament of the Kapos in Germany… the ones who chose that path and survived wished they’d chosen death. These psychological slave-making structures (and aligning psychology with the powerful on top for survival and engaging in persecution) are everywhere.
I wish you didn't have so many typos and grammar errors, difficult to read but you make excellent points! ❤
I managed to keep my warm relationship with my younger brother, despite me being the scapegoat and him the golden child. I always thought that my situation is average before I started the healing process and learned more and more about it. But now I see that we're somewhat non-typical, and I'm glad that we managed to do it.
I think it's mainly because our mother doesn't like young children, finds them annoying and bothersome, so she's dumped my brother on me when he was a toddler and I was about 6-7. He followed me around like a little duckling because no one else was willing to pay attention to him. So I kinda was his second mom at that point, and at first it annoyed me, but I couldn't abandon him. Especially since I was lonely too.
And by the time our mother decided that he's old enough to be her good child and I'm her bad child (mostly on the basis of him being very obedient and me growing rebellious), I think we just bonded too much already. So when she started all the classic triangulation and started beating and humiliating me in front of him, I started freezing and dissociating and we grew somewhat isolated from each other. But I could never hate him because I understood that he didn't choose this and it's all on her, he was just as powerless as I was. And he, it seems, didn't quite believe our mother too, just couldn't disagree with her. So he was stuck between me and our mother, but we still were secret allies here and there.
And now I'n low contact with our mother, but he still tries hard to appease her, even though he has a wife and a child. I tried to talk him out of it, but I feel like he feels guilty and I shouldn't push, it's not my place. But, oddly enough, his wife reminds me of me, it was a very startling realization.
The narcissistic parents turn a blind eye to the infractions of the golden child. The golden child can litter in plain view, and one parent says to the other, “I don’t see any police.” The golden child could beat up a neighbor child in the front yard. The narcissistic parent looks out the window to watch and casually strolls away. The incident is never mentioned. Meanwhile, the scapegoat is punished endlessly, in a myriad of ways, often for paltry or nonexistent infractions. Reconciliation between the golden child and the scapegoat child is highly unlikely.
Our brother was the golden child, I was scapegoat. Our younger sister was a little bit of both, depending what day it was. Total confusion. We are older and wiser now, although not healed.
Very insightful video on the golden child, I wondered whether the golden child was really the favourite and loved one by the parent, thanks for giving clarity that neither scapegoat or golden child gains a true identity. Loved the illustrations too, thanks again Jay🙏Happy to see Brizo 🐾🐾this week 🤗Have a happy and restful weekend 🌟🦋🌈
Sending this to my golden child sister. I'm so glad all of us siblings rightfully hate our parents together.
I really look forward to your videos each week. They are very helpful. They have helped me so much! Thank you Jay. I realize why my golden child sibling might've felt such a loyalty to our disturbed mom.
My sibling was born with ichthyosis vulgaris covering 80% of her body. My mother has alopecia. I do not have either affliction. I understand why they treated me so viciously. I feel sorry for both of them. But I have to keep my distance because they are constantly angry at me and it was devastating and extremely painful to be on the receiving end of their self- hatred.
I was the scapegoat child and my sister was the golden child and in our older age we live together. She has become the narcissist. I love my sister with all my heart and I know what she went through. I have compassion for her but I do not give up my own choices as she would like me to. This causes some contention but I have remained firm on my boundaries. I know our relationship would be much worse if I had just given in and let her make all my choices for me. I want us to have as healthy relationship as possible. I really appreciate your added information. It has taught me a lot!
I give up. I've been in no contact with my mother for 13 years and I can't relate to anything like this or anything else I ever try to look up. The only conclusion I can come to is I'm just a lousy person.
Can you make two lists: things that you like about yourself, and things that you don’t like about yourself?
That might be a helpful place to start.
Lousy people don’t generally look for help.
Thank you so much for this perspective.It is so so helpful and so accurate.As a golden child I am just discovering the depth and full effects of this which takes a lot of absorbing and which had devastating consequences on my brother who was the scapegoat.I too hope that one day I can get to talk to my brother about this and for us both to be able to make sense of it together.Thank you again
My GC brother sure seems to be winning. He gets everything he wants and needs, no one questions him and if he feels even slightly self conscious our narc parents will make sure to fluff his ego back up. Maybe one day he'll try and power pose on the wrong person, but he's been pretty fortunate so far.
I was a scapegoat in my family of origin and married a golden child and his parents treat me as the scapegoat and it’s so difficult for my husband to see the truth of how his parents treat me. Toxic loyalty! His brother was the scapegoat. Can the parents reverse the roles for children later in life? I’ve heard parents can go back and forth creating a competition amongst the siblings. I’d be interested in a video on being the scapegoat with in-laws.
Can the relationship between the Scapegoat Child and the Lost Child be similar to that of the Scapegoat and Golden children? And what are some of the common avenues that allow one sibling to abuse another when they are able both living under a narcissistic parent? My siblings and I were all able to come to terms and see our mother's abuse for what it was shortly after we entered adulthood. I definitely recognize that my older sister was put into the scapegoat role as a young child and she was physically abused in ways that I wasn't by our mother. My older sister would often blame me for not receiving as much physical abuse or criticism, but then she would take it out on me and abuse me in turn, all from a very young age. I would try to hide this abuse as much as I could because I was afraid of my older sister getting in more trouble and blaming me even more.
Another great video Jay, thank you!
Thanks again!
I was the sg. My sister was the g.c. I was lucky that I rebelled and got away. The thing is, that when the g.c. succeeded as a child, it was rewarded. But individuation and real success was ultimately seen as a threat. My sister died at age 30 after loosing her job. Thank God I was the s.g.!
Is it possible to experience being both roles? I tend to have an overlap with both these roles in my family of origin.
Apparently in some families the roles are flexible and may change from day to day, or, if the golden child starts individuating and getting healthy as an adult they may be deemed the new scapegoat.
Short term, my family's Golden Child prospered more due to not having to receive the abuse that led me to mental and physical illness and a loss of productivity. But now they have few friends and trouble dating because their behavior was never reined in by our parents. And unfortunately, this caused them to continue the cycle of abuse. Including open participation in mine.
I have sympathy for SOME Golden Children as a scapegoat, but its also important to note not all of them are good. A bone I have to pick with the depiction of Golden Children in Encanto (otherwise a good depiction of a dysfunctional family) is that the grown adult Isabella was very ab*sive and toxic towards the MC Mirabel, but it ended with Mirabel apologizing to HER for "not understanding how hard it was to be a Golden CHild". Being the Golden CHild wasn't an excuse for what Isabella did.
Well, I am going to watch but it's difficult for me not to believe my Golden Child sibling (actually two of them) absolutely win. I'm the oldest. My life has absolutely imploded due to illness, spousal abandonment, etc, and they're both doing fabulous and have zero concern whatsoever for me or my son. They have all joined together and it very much feels like I am being kicked when I'm down, at the absolute worst place in my 53 years. Don't worry, we're not in contact, but that's not my doing. However I can't see myself ever having anything to do with them if I survive this. I'm grieving my entire family, my marriage and the loss of my daughter 29 years ago. It is beyond difficult to go on or get through a day. Being the scapegoat is a horrible, God awful curse from hell.
🙏🏼💖 if only everyone just did an hour at the porch then maybe we’d be more healed lol
The household division of labor is an area I’m praying to pour more love into and pray that it improves
Extremely useful, thank you so much.
What about the lost child?
Thank you!
Hi. I’m so glad I found your channel . Thank you 🙏🙏 I’m super anxious though. I think I’ve never felt so proud and angry at the same time . Is this normal for anyone else ? Thxs
I think it's heresy to equate golden child and scapegoat child experience. Golden child get way much more credit than they deserve and have much better social skills and no trauma from daily mistreatment that impairs cognitive development as well as emotional development. Even talented and skilled scapegoats have to go through a lot to be recognised due to years of damage.
I think you need to do a comparative analysis on scapegoat child and golden child within same family to understand how much damage the scapegoat suffers and how many advantages the golden child enjoys.
Do narcissist families project each other's traits onto the scapegoat. Example the golden child is selfish the scapegoat is not but the narcissistic parent calls the scapegoat child selfish.
Stop ignoring the “Lost Child” role.
What mbti type are you?
I feel like my GC brother is very, very angry at me for relinquishing my SG role and cutting them all off. He tries to contact my adult daughters to trash talk me and cause arguments, and I imagine this is his attempt to drag me back into the toxic dynamic. It doesn’t work; I wash my hands of my family of origin, and at least one of my daughters has blocked him. I think he has a cauldron of repressed hatred towards our mother and it’s there at all times… like a powder keg ready to explode. He would be hating the fact that in our 40s he will be the one who has to attend to the ol’ battle axe as she ages. Ha! Cry me a river.
Sorry
It doesn't matter me today
I feel tainted by my mom's abuse and her's behaviour
I'm trying to whitewash it right now.....
1:30 Brizo ❤️
the feeling of being angry that my brother gets everything and me and my scapegoat brother get the scraps maybe is it normal to have the feeling of waiting for family including parents and extended family to die. so even if i am in the agony of being alone i wont have to deal with being with ppl and still alone? different kind of suffering? also these roles fluctuate as time and circumstances change. wee a confusing fucked mess. i wonder always when i am moving away am i the problem am i harsh am i the one being unreasonable / am i just wrong and they "insert name" right. and i am actually the problem and still a small part of me says no. what u said on another video about deciding if ppl are a good fit to me to be my friend rings out often.