I'm at a public library in Colorado crying my eyes out in my journal. "It wasn't my fault. I don't even have to think in these terms anymore." It feels like the moment Aladdin wishes Genie free.
@@nobodynowhere21 I know the feeling, I learned about the word narcissist at age 50 and felt the same way. Was a mix of elation and tears happy and. Validated. Just like you're making this post right now at the very moment, I called a friend. I recommend spending the next six months with earbuds in learning extensively, These types of videos. And then books or in between.
@@nobodynowhere21 ps, I'm on my sixth year. I have plans to study 10 years. It still will not be enough. I put in all of this time for 🧠 reprogramming and because Of all of the abuse. May not apply to everyone but as for myself, I'm slow at learning. Will probably keep studying till I'm near dying.
Thank you for calling it lying and dishonesty. I appreciate the directness of this, matter-of-fact holding them accountable for the wrong doing and calling it what it is. I find that facilitates healing for those like me who have been the target of their projections based on their needs to lie and cover up their unconscious sense of inferiority or lack of worth. We no longer have to bear that burden on their behalf when we can name what is happening or has happened. They are lying to themselves, they then must continue that web of dishonesty out of commitment to their version of their own protection, which extends to damaging the identity of their offspring and ruining the reputation of the son/daughter as well. They alone must carry that responsibility, since they often refuse to take accountability and seek help for themselves to truly change, while I shoulder the task of healing with those who I choose who ARE safe and emotionally resilient.
My family NEEDS me to be messed up. Here is what the ‘double bind’ looks like in their dysfunctional way of relating to me: they reject me when I am not messed up so that they can justify rejecting me when I am messed up. Here is how it works: when I act in ways that indicate I am a capable, moral person, they credit other people for my progress, they ignore my achievements while emphasising the achievements of others, or they act as though the achievement is ‘no big deal’. They also act as though they don’t expect it to last (because they seem to believe I am just pretending to be a decent, capable person). Then, when I am having a difficult time in life and I share my challenges with them, they go back to ‘business as usual’ where they can treat me like the family failure. I am rejected for doing well so that they can reject me for not doing well. Going ‘no contact’ has helped me to understand why I was always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me.
Exact same thing here. It provides them a convenient excuse to blame all their failures on. Seeing you down makes them feel big and powerful. It's all a twisted delusion they expect us to believe in. They are petulant children in an adult's body. They steal your identity and replace it with their abominable identity. Makes you feel as if you have no voice, no choice, and no future.
Hey Joannagrace Thanks for the summary - one of my challenges is to find the words to describe whats happening to me - I'm going through this right now in a dysfunctional system - wow this is so fascinating ( at the same time painful to know the truth ) I'm doing a happy dance right now - just to have a framework to understand the chaos and confusions of the people who are attracted to me like moths to a flame.
It is a feeling that the hammer is about to drop somewhere. A constantly running feeling in the background of where is it going to hit next and from whom. No contact helps. Difficult to work with that hardwired anxiety that came when I arrived on this rock.
@xxxdftkkhgdrujj I went ‘no contact’ with my family 2 years ago. The distance helps. A lot of grieving preceded my realisations about the role I played in the dysfunction. Now my focus is to learn how to recognise safe people. I just don’t have any energy left to give to people who want to rob me.
The scapegoat has to be no good for the narcissist to feel better about themselves. I had to leave a narcissistic family system to save my mental and physical health.
I can't believe how long I have needed to hear this. It makes me so angry to see my little girl self trying to figure out why life has to feel so awful. To have disgust directed at you because you are upset that you are not being treated fairly. Neglect was the biggest weapon of my mother. She sensed my ability to just see right through her. I'm sure even if I didn't say anything she knew by the sadness on my face and how dare I have an emmotion .This is so eye opening. Why were all the therapists I saw just so clueless. Never helped because I needed to stop blaming myself to get anywhere in life. Thankyou for your wisdom and compassion. You are the bomb.
There's a lot of people out there with knowledge about this topic, but after YEARS of research (im talking 10+ years) Jay is the only one who understands parental narc abuse & its effects down to a T. Literally my experience word to word
It’s amazing, his three pillars guidance is what repeats in my head when I’m lost in my trauma and not know what steps to follow to get through it. Then I remember oh Jay Reid said the three pillars and I go back to it and see a clear path and just learn to trust it’ll work out and do the work.
You are right, but it’s the right direction, as any other direction might hurt less in the moment, but it would very likely hurt forever. Without the truth I would still be stuck. I wish you all the best. Please take care.
I never felt corrupt. But I was deeply ashamed of my parents for being so cruel to me. I didn't want anyone to know how awful my parents were. I pretended everything was good at home to save face. I learned to smile even if I was aching inside.
Everything you speak of here is the reality of being the scapegoat. The narcissistic parent has to put themselves above their child at all times, it is such a twisted reality to accept. They don't change!
WOW I needed this. Some adults are trapped the same way as when they were a child, and have not had the privilege of correcting the power dynamics and therefore become free (like in my case, with disability)- and these feelings are SO strong. Thank you so much for providing clarity about how integrity and power dynamics intertwine in these relationships.
Glad you're back after the off screen work Jay! As a lifelong scapegoat in my family, I recently got that in a work place. Dude! I recognized what was going on and so did my anxiety. I got another job and turns out I can go back to school with this new schedule while getting paid better👍 I could tell my lead and supervisor had a team thing where they just lie and blame their underlings instead of remedying issues. I found out they have highest turnover in company and could see the dishonesty, sadism, and callousness in the two. I saw my fate was sealed with them and luckily got bless with new opportunities when I stopped trying to fix a broken team and moved on instead. Best of luck Jay and thanks for great content!
I never absorbed being the ‘bad child’ I was punished for. But, I started bed wetting, nail biting, and cut my hair off at age 6. I remember cutting it off out of ‘frustration’. I’ve now learned enough to finally accept narcissism is a deficiency of self esteem and wellbeing, they have basically outsourced their self esteem and wellbeing, beaming when supplied with it, raging/punishment when we reduce it (shame, blame, game them). I finally feel at peace. Thank you Jay Reid. For being our Champion!
Don’t forget the huge amount of sadism that they have and how they feed off of having the power to cause misery, frustration, anguish, deprivation, and ultimately, the suicide of their target, as that it their end game. You are downplaying and minimizing their evil pathology too much, and you’ll never heal before connecting to and releasing the righteous rage that all released scapegoats feel at how we were used. There is a reason why they laugh and smirk in satisfaction and pleasure when they make us cry, there is a reason why they yell at us when they see us laughing, and there is a reason why they sabotaged our development, success, and health, and why they get off on being in complete control of us and subjugation and humiliating us, and turning everyone against us, including ourselves.
Sorry to hear your struggles, amazing you see it, I've always seen it about 50% it's hard to imagine others steal your self worth to boost their own, I grew up in a narcissistic household, I was the youngest. I'm 41 now and still recovering, good luck to you
Excellent topic! This is one of those graduate level scapegoat topics, the sort you can't necessarily name but is essential to heal. Scapegoats carry the shame of their abusers so understanding that they intentionally corrupted us with their stuff. The sadism here is the especially psychopathic.
This is how you get gaslit by the general population ... Some people genuinely think a mother "loves" her children in the same way they think "love" means. That word is a tricky word, like "God". But you get blamed, which can further internalize the shame pressure cooker
I think its been one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with that all i could really do in the situation was survive. Its a hard pill to swallow but as your videos demonstrate its part of healing to acknowledge the reality of what happened. I plan to one day campaign against this kind if abuse and prevent it happening to children especially because they are so helpless and they need to be better protected than i was. No child should have to defend themselves from a narcissistic abusive parent.
I watched and listened to a Mother punish her 13-15 year old daughter in a laundromat. I figured there was NOTHING I could do and the Mother looked like a SCRAPER so I didn't want to get HIT! But what can you do? I listened to how derogatory the Mother was and WATCHED out of the corner of my eye as the girl started to exhibit ALL THE DAMN SYMPTOMS of ADHD! The Mother was CLEARY being verbally abusive and IN PUBLIC mind you. The girl did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG! I even started to shake!
@@janettemartin4604 I agree it's very complicated. Governments need to change the way this stuff is intervened on and caught early so children don't suffer. As you have illustrated, people do see children being mistreated so it's kind of an open secret that no-one wants to talk about but we all know it happens and that the current structures aren't protecting children from it..
yes. My concern too, is that you address the situation with that awful “mother” and we know that later, in private, that kid is going to pay the price for her mother being called out. She’ll get the beating of her life…
@janettemartin4604 I have been in that situation, unfortunately quite a few times, and I DID say I thought they were being disgusting bullies. Then I fled! I used to have more courage to do this. Or less sense!
Your videos are so healing, I grew up in this environment no adult accountability/responsibility but me a child was expected to be the epitome of good behavior. They could behave however they wanted I was supposed to ignore/pretend and treat them with respect. It really drained my life force from my soul. 😢😢
Thank you Jay, for helping me figure out the truth about my parents, and the reason I've always felt so down on myself. As I move forward, I cannot be both my true self and the person I had to be to have a relationship with my mother. The contrast is (and I am) growing stronger with time.
Jay Reid finds words to express all the emotions I have felt during abuse from family and the grief felt when I discovered the truth. I need Jay Reid and his dose of sanity every week! Thank you Dr.
“Hostility towards himself seemed to mirror his hostility towards him as a child” there it is… the scapegoat whip. The thinking I deserve to be this harsh on myself” I feel the whip on myself justified it isn’t
I, too, often turn to the immortal words of the rapper DMX when dealing with toxic people: "Y'all gonna make me lose my mind/ Up in here, up in here." 😂😂😂
I’m ready to really stir things up. They are very entitled, controlling, and spending my nephews inheritance he knows nothing about. He is so kind and caring…a wonderful soul and they exploit, bully and manipulate him. I’ve had it.
"The child was not free to exercise their will." They had to survive the toxic environment by any means necessary. Very powerful stuff. Really helps me see how I adapted (maladapted) to survive.
Thank you. I certainly grew up feeling that I wasn't good enough or I needed to do better, thanks to my father. My brother had no idea of what was going on at the time. Years later, despite my being the eldest, my brother was made Power of Attorney (noone bothered to tell me, as I didn't need to know - my interpretation), at a time when I was "not talking to" my parents (my brother's words). I've spent time in hospital, multiple times over the years, in psych wards due to my parents, their behaviour, my anxiety and their ignorance of my ill health. If it appeared that I wasn't talking to them, it was because I needed time away from them. I needed distance. It infuriates me to hear my brother say this. I had several bad relationships growing up, where coercive control etc was involved, again often causing hospitalisation, as I was made to feel so incredibly small & worthless. Only after having lived away for almost 10 years, can I clearly see what was happening to me, as well as to my mother whose only escape was alcohol. (She passed just over 2 days ago, and my father, whom I have to interact with to some degree has heard that I won't be able to attend the funeral if it's at the church where I grew up due to PTSD, anxiety etc. His response has been "really? You have an anxiety problem? I had no idea..." Complete denial! Excuse my long post, but this is a very difficult time, once again!
Wonderfully enlightening, thank you A while back I noticed a pattern in me: when someone near me did something, mean, exploitative or bad I would begin to feel heavy, weak, depressed, bad and filled with dread and foreboding. It was from carrying others bad deeds and ways. Somehow they had become my shame. Hey guess what? That’s bullsh!t.
Suzanne, thank you! I just had my “aha” moment reading your comment. I too, felt ( sometimes still do) anxiety when I saw people doing bad things. I understand now that I was carrying their guilt/ shame and therefore exonerating them and finding myself “guilty” …Not anymore!
🦋🦋🦋🦋 Something I forgot to say in my comment: especially when people slighted me, used me, insulted me etc. I felt dread and guilt instead of the bad and guilt being on them where it belonged
Thank you jay, for being the voice so many of us never had, and in so doing leading us to find our own voices. I finished my medical degree, decided to shift careers and am now in college to become a psychologist at 26 years of age. You have changed my life. And i hope to lead my future clients to recover their voices in the same way you are helping in recovering mine. The journey never ends, but it becomes so much richer in the presence of those who understand, and are rescuing themselves in the same ways we are. So thank you for creating this community. I wish you all peace and joy.
Big hugs Love care n compassion to all survivors. Scapegoat no more. Weve become Black Stallions. Thanks for your education and validation Dr Jay. Youre a beautiful soul.
My mother would use my pain to get validation and attention. I would get bullied at school and I didn’t want to go. She turned it into a drama triangle and told other family members I was out of control. No empathy for my experiences with bullying.
This is helping me so much. Since I was a kid, I would always ‘go with flow’ with friends. I would wonder how they could be themselves but I felt I had to give them preference in everything. Now much later I realize it’s because that’s what my family of origin instilled in me…that what I would like doesn’t matter, it only what matters what others want. This has put me in a lifelong struggle. I isolated myself from people for several years and now I’m barely starting to try to be with people again. It has been really scary for me but it has also been good. One step at a time. I had listened to your video that said it’s important to find safe people. It’s little steps. What I do know now, is that I’m free to be able to express myself authentically with less fear of what others think.
This is so on point. I have battled with these feelings of inauthenticity and “corruption “ … and also a regret for not standing up for myself or rebelling. But I was hated BECAUSE I was that kid who said “the emperor had no clothes,” which is why I was targeted. After that, I had to choose survival. I definitely didn’t gain. I survived until I could escape. On the flipside, I can’t STAND when people nitpick me for timeliness. I don’t care when they’re late, and I try to be on time but struggle in this area. It gives me extreme anxiety to meet up with people who are sticklers in this area, and I really am about to cut off all the people who nitpick me about being 6 minutes late when we meet up. Paul was right to be concerned about his therapists reaction to 3 minutes 😂.I would drop him as a client because life is too short. I’m sorry, Paul, one scapegoat to another….chill….life happens. People are busy, and there’s traffic. Maybe try to be 5 minutes late to the next thing yourself. Youll see it’s not the end of the world. My narc parent was a stickler for timeliness, and everywhere we went, we were 15 minutes early just so we could hear her complain about everyone’s tardiness and her own superiority for the next half hour. It’s a waste of life energy.
Dr Reid, you are always so on point with what I have experienced with my mother. I am in my 60s now and I can not thank God enough for people like you. Thank you....Gracias
I think its important too to get out there and enjoy life, and do things you enjoy and be kind to yourself and try out different things to figure out who you are so you can get back to being you again.✨💜✨
How wonderful of Paul's therapist to validate Paul's anger and worth for him!! To let him know that others are supposed to be accountable, and not attack you when you call them out on misbehavior/not meeting standards. I had a therapist that would take up 10-15 min of my time talking about herself! I stopped seeing her w/out telling her I was upset that she was taking my time, that I was paying for!! Never being allowed to question/confront parent about anything made me feel I didn't have any say in how I was treated. I'd gotten to the point that I wanted to say something but was still afraid of the confrontation and possible accompanying backlash, so I chickened out.😢
Have greatly distanced myself from a group of siblings/in-laws who are not safe people who have trampled over me- in ways too sneaky to see coming. The aftermath is a feeling of "i wasn't smart enough to defend myself" even if connived behind my back. Loved, cared for family- yet, betrayal has put me in an emotional freeze. Struggle to feel anger as may need, even feel guilty for not accepting an invite; politely bowing out. Nobody asks about me, living alone. Don't feel like the original me. Mom and I were close- she kept things at bay, she's gone. Perhaps a bit of betrayal blindnes keeps the heart at bay- knowing how awful my own siblings treated me..a way to protect myself. Mother was a witness- "they were wrong" told me i was the smart one, means emotionally mature, while these siblings were "all mixed up" is how she put it. After several years, Found some peace, but the mojo of my spirit is "on caution" careful for the other shoe not to drop.
Can't win. You stay, you're bad and hate yourself for staying. You have a tendency to abandon yourself. You leave, you're bad and are hated for abandonment, but you learn to take better care of yourself. This goes so deep, and it can get so complicated in a family system. My mom is at her end-of-life stage now, and everything is becoming exaggerated again and I can see things clearly that I never understood before. The abandonment issue is weaponized, and everyone's fear of abandonment is all tangled up and turned on each other with accusations. Something is sure to feel bad. I guess I just have to choose which bad I want to feel. I choose my own integrity, but that is going to cost me, unfortunately.
Super episode, Jay. Such deep, precise insights into the complex feelings experienced in a narcissistic family. Your compassion for survivors is evident. You are saying what we need to hear to help untangle the emotional mess left in the narcissist's wake. Thank you for every insight, every word. You help us rise to know, bit by bit, who we actually are - our own honesty and integrity. I can't thank you enough for your helping videos and topics.
Thank God for Jay. I've been off with watching these 'narc abuse survival vids' for a while, thinking I dont need them anymore/trying not to be triggered daily. WELP, i'm back ready to continue my healing journey.
I had one adult in my life, not a family member, who helped me begin to understand that I could choose to live in a more honest way than I was raised to live. Like Jay, he was a therapist. I am so grateful to that man.
Living dishonestly for personal gain is who i lived with for 10 years. And then they want u to supprt and agree with their lies or else youre their enemy
I really enjoy these videos because I was targeted by narcissistic people for most of my life and they have to make me feel small in order to survive and manipulate everybody against me and make me feel defective in order to survive which is a very difficult and horrible position to be in
Thank you so much for this video, Jay - The word " corrupt" felt completely accurate, and I hadn't been able to pin-point a word to the feeling until now.
I’m just now starting to work through the damage from my narcissistic mother & codependent father. Your channel is so helpful. Can you do a video about what normal parenting looks like? I hear people say things like, “you have the right to say no to your mom without being attacked”, or “you don’t have to DO anything to be loved”, or “you’re not responsible for your parents’ happiness.” I’m amazed and intrigued by these statements! What do “normal” parents believe? What do their children grow up to believe about themselves? Nga mihi from NZ 😊🙏
Jay you are such a gift to us. I am learning so much from you. I really resonated with your story about the fears of the client speaking up about his therapists tardiness. I have that fear that if I speak up about my feelings I’ll be attacked. You helped me see where this assumption comes from and that I need to challenge it. Thank you for all you do here to help us. ❤
Thank you so much you're the only therapist that is actually touched home with me I listen to a lot and I went nope that doesn't fit note that doesn't fit and I listen to you and I went wow, now i get it. The only thing is at 60 should i even try to heal? I feel like it's in my DNA. I really have no one to talk to and the people i do have to talk to are tired of hearing it.
Thank you so much. It’s such a relief to understand I had no choice. But at the same time, it’s so hard to realize this only after several decades - well, better late than never. It’s crazy-accurate how the enemy term is in our family: my father was a vulnerable narcissist and gave his sons names that all mean warrior in some old language of our country (“I never wanted to have children” - then why three of them? Because he was a liar and he wanted a daughter which didn’t happen). While my younger siblings indeed are the fight type, I’ve been the door-mat of the family, but not any more: thanks to my wife, therapy, and all your information, I finally managed to gain some distance. Thanks again.
Jay, thanks!!! @ 4:33 This has literally created the energy and purpose behind my 'DJ name & creative personality' Grew up believing that I will have to be the bad guy or be made into the Villain...no matter how good I am. That's why its V '1LL1N and not Villain. haha To hear this, made me both tear up and chuckle at the literal truth of all this. Thanks again Jay. Feeling like you get it, yet dont even have to, is awesome. I am a damn good v'1ll1n.
This is incredibly sad. After a narcissistic woman deeply hurt me I’ve had trouble understanding why. Wouldn’t matter anyway because I offered her every bit of compassion. I just could see her daughter doing this.
And though we hope the daughter doesn't go there as an adult, there's a really good reason why narcissism tends to be handed down for generations. There's no good reason for any of it, and we have to practice radical acceptance and walk away if we don't want to get caught up in their mess.
Thank you for clearly explaining the difference between making choices necessary to survive and choosing dishonesty for personal gain, and making clear that the narcissistic parent is who has been dishonest for personal gain.
Yes, ive been dishonest with myself and others. Mainly i think after watching this is the people ive attracted let in, not set proper boundaries would have the reactions id expect, not like the mentioned therapist with understanding. So when it gets a bit heated and i know ive compromised myself and values the narc fights back. At that point ive already made my mind up long before they've walked out the door because i wont allow them back in and as they always have plenty of supply, its no real loss to them but i do my hernit crab thing!
the narcissistic parent in my opinion had no choice either he is also a Victim of his childhood the main thing is listening to podcast like yours and learning improving and breaking cycles i was married to a narc for 40years and very overwhelmed in the marriage and afterwards to deal with his smear campaigns parental alienation from my 2 children from my ex lies and manipulations i feel much better after 5 years of healing myself i have also tried to understand my exs childhood that he is also a victim of his childhood and forgive him but still remain no contact with the weasel
I never felt corrupt...I could NOT understand why adults who knew the truth would not confront...ever prosecute her..... INSTEAD they pretended my father's drinking was the cause of all the problems... His drinking was only embarrassing...not dangerous.. He was so easy to read and easy to deal with... But this explains why SO many people INVENTED a BIG lie so they did not have to take action against the REAL abuser... When 3 out of 4 of my siblings realized SHE was going to get away with it everytime...They became flying monkeys... When the sh*t FINALLY hit the fan and fell completely apart..THEY suddenly wanted me to "fix" their lives like I had since 14.. I couldn't I was desperately trying make a living and had no time for their BS acting out... SO SHE had come out smelling like a rose...now had a job...robbing my father by getting alimony while not contributing to my sister's very expensive psych care and hospitalization. SO now she could REALLY manipulate them...and I became.."well you know how weird and selfish she is".. AFTER BEING THE FAMILY SLAVE SINCE 14 LOL...taking the hits for them..making special meals for them..driving them places..even giving my crazy sister money to take tests for scholarships...she never got any...we kept trying... I was "the good mother" and the vicious maggot real mother was too dangerous to hold accountable..so they upped the abuse on "the good mother"
I’m the oldest as well. Different circumstances but I can so very much relate to be forced into a parent role and then having my adult younger siblings abuse me the same way our narcissistic parent did. It’s like I protected them from seeing the truth of who he was and now I see they believe that I deserved to be treated like shit.
Me too, the scapegoat sister. I couldn’t understand how they can see me as the bad guy when they actually have seen the truth with their own eyes… except that they still are in the narcissistic fog. I just barely came out of it, somehow my blindfold was removed and I’m beginning to understand. I hope I can wake them up too, and somehow save them, but first I have to save myself. ME first, for once in my life!
@@galaosch9959 the more I tried to help them see the worse the negativity towards me got. I’ve had to let go of this hope that things will get better and keep the focus on my own healing. I pray someday things will be better but I know that one of the blessings of being the family scapegoat is having the capacity to do the work of healing. Praying with time God will open their eyes and they will see that they’ve always had a sister that loves them and wants the best for them and that they too will choose to heal instead of repeating the dysfunction!
Very interesting. Maybe this gave some insight into why some of us might tend to get down on ourselves for allowing things to happen and for as long as they did and feeling like we might’ve been too weak, when this video affirmed that there often was no choice in the matter, heartbreaking as it is. I thought it also helped me to better understand why I get so tense when I feel the need to assert myself, when in the past, I was a pushover. Well, being a pushover got me nowhere, and made me resent those who violated my boundaries, but mad at myself for not even trying to establish any. In a perfect world, the respect would just be automatic. But I had to tell myself that nobody’s a mind reader, so if I don’t say anything, how will they know? And further, when I’ve let these things go unsaid, my anger festers. So since a few years ago, I’ve tried to call others out when something doesn’t sit well with me. Inevitably, I always get harsh backlash (from anyone, narcissistic or not), and I never really win and get made to feel like I did something wrong in trying to assert myself. Yet, in spite of the backlash, I deep down inside feel a bit proud of myself for speaking up. Many others have someone who has their back and sticks up for them, but in my case, if I don’t look out for my best interests, who will, so it’s my job and I owe it to myself, even if that means getting yelled at or having my concerns trivialized, and getting alienated. I should be used to rejection by now, but it still feels terrible, but I also have to learn more self reliance, and then the rejection might not sting as much.
Diatribe, I’m sending you a big hug of brotherly love. I’m glad you’re standing up for yourself, no matter what. Yes, even “normal” people get upset at you when you stand your ground because they are used to getting away with everything from you! That’s what I’m going through right now, and I’m finally seeing how much people “used” me. That’s not love, it’s not friendship, there’s no reciprocity, so why keep them in my life?
I grew up thinking this was 100% normal. I had too many relationships with people who married my parents' narcissism and trauma. You are giving me a light to follow through the dark tunnel on the way out.
Hard to meet normal people after having been scapegoated a life long. You meet only weird people or people who are afraid of you because you are an attractive person. How does this transference of bad feelings about oneself operates ? How the parent transfers his/her feeling of corruption onto another being ?
I wonder if being a hypochondriac is common way a narcissist might use to manipulate and guilt trip their victims or are some people just doubly lucky?
I think Jay is a hip-hop head, which is pretty cool. I'm trying to dive into the genre and discover some fundamental albums, so it's always nice to hear a bar recited in these videos.
This channel has changed my life I really really appreciate this! I have been to therapy for 10 years and nothing like this! I am the scapegoat but I thought I was the golden child! Wow!!!!! Honestly life changing!
You can be a golden child and still have trauma from a dysfunctional family - my brother was the GC and he deals with a boatload of mental health issues as an adult. He’s repressed so much, but he remembers as a kid how I was mistreated and never understood why. I’m fortunate that he’s on my side I know that not every GC can be this way. I try to help him as much as I can.
At last I understand. Being in public with my covert narc mother is an agony of feeling as if I'm a liar, wearing a false mask. She acts sickly sweet in front of others and the world thinks she's almost literally angelic. I've spent my life having to treat her the way they all do, while I silently scream with the duplicity of her firstly, and myself secondly. Now I understand my behaviour and know it isn't my fault. I've had to!
As a child, I did choose to be on my own. I believe I was able to do this because I had a nanny who I adored (whom my mother tragically bannished when I was 5 yrs. old). I still cry over this (I am 63) but it allowed me to preserve the truth.
I can acknowledge that none of us including me could ever be perfect while at the same time I do appreciate it when someone points out something that I can improve on after it is no longer a blind spot of mine as result. There are some faults of mine which I have a harder time changing. For example the need for me to be mindful of the social graces always no matter what all I am having to face at the same time.
I really appreciate your videos! You have a way of saying things that just clicks for me. 🤯 It's like sometimes I feel like I'm making all this stuff up in my head and I see one of these videos and I know I'm not because you describe it better than I could've said.
This was a great description of the dynamics in these relationships. It was such a relief and empowering to hear it explained this way with clear example scenarios and succinct memorable terms/phrases. Thank you very much.
This channel is a precious resource for humanity.
I'm at a public library in Colorado crying my eyes out in my journal. "It wasn't my fault. I don't even have to think in these terms anymore." It feels like the moment Aladdin wishes Genie free.
@@nobodynowhere21 blessings in your new life...
❤I completely agree 😌
@@nobodynowhere21 I know the feeling, I learned about the word narcissist at age 50 and felt the same way. Was a mix of elation and tears happy and.
Validated. Just like you're making this post right now at the very moment, I called a friend. I recommend spending the next six months with earbuds in learning extensively, These types of videos. And then books or in between.
@@nobodynowhere21 ps, I'm on my sixth year. I have plans to study 10 years. It still will not be enough. I put in all of this time for 🧠 reprogramming and because
Of all of the abuse.
May not apply to everyone but as for myself, I'm slow at learning. Will probably keep studying till I'm near dying.
Thank you for calling it lying and dishonesty. I appreciate the directness of this, matter-of-fact holding them accountable for the wrong doing and calling it what it is.
I find that facilitates healing for those like me who have been the target of their projections based on their needs to lie and cover up their unconscious sense of inferiority or lack of worth.
We no longer have to bear that burden on their behalf when we can name what is happening or has happened. They are lying to themselves, they then must continue that web of dishonesty out of commitment to their version of their own protection, which extends to damaging the identity of their offspring and ruining the reputation of the son/daughter as well.
They alone must carry that responsibility, since they often refuse to take accountability and seek help for themselves to truly change, while I shoulder the task of healing with those who I choose who ARE safe and emotionally resilient.
My family NEEDS me to be messed up. Here is what the ‘double bind’ looks like in their dysfunctional way of relating to me: they reject me when I am not messed up so that they can justify rejecting me when I am messed up.
Here is how it works: when I act in ways that indicate I am a capable, moral person, they credit other people for my progress, they ignore my achievements while emphasising the achievements of others, or they act as though the achievement is ‘no big deal’. They also act as though they don’t expect it to last (because they seem to believe I am just pretending to be a decent, capable person). Then, when I am having a difficult time in life and I share my challenges with them, they go back to ‘business as usual’ where they can treat me like the family failure.
I am rejected for doing well so that they can reject me for not doing well.
Going ‘no contact’ has helped me to understand why I was always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me.
Resonated with my experience as well
Exact same thing here. It provides them a convenient excuse to blame all their failures on. Seeing you down makes them feel big and powerful. It's all a twisted delusion they expect us to believe in. They are petulant children in an adult's body. They steal your identity and replace it with their abominable identity. Makes you feel as if you have no voice, no choice, and no future.
Hey Joannagrace Thanks for the summary - one of my challenges is to find the words to describe whats happening to me - I'm going through this right now in a dysfunctional system - wow this is so fascinating ( at the same time painful to know the truth ) I'm doing a happy dance right now - just to have a framework to understand the chaos and confusions of the people who are attracted to me like moths to a flame.
It is a feeling that the hammer is about to drop somewhere. A constantly running feeling in the background of where is it going to hit next and from whom. No contact helps. Difficult to work with that hardwired anxiety that came when I arrived on this rock.
@xxxdftkkhgdrujj
I went ‘no contact’ with my family 2 years ago. The distance helps. A lot of grieving preceded my realisations about the role I played in the dysfunction. Now my focus is to learn how to recognise safe people. I just don’t have any energy left to give to people who want to rob me.
The scapegoat has to be no good for the narcissist to feel better about themselves. I had to leave a narcissistic family system to save my mental and physical health.
I can't believe how long I have needed to hear this. It makes me so angry to see my little girl self trying to figure out why life has to feel so awful. To have disgust directed at you because you are upset that you are not being treated fairly. Neglect was the biggest weapon of my mother. She sensed my ability to just see right through her. I'm sure even if I didn't say anything she knew by the sadness on my face and how dare I have an emmotion .This is so eye opening. Why were all the therapists I saw just so clueless. Never helped because I needed to stop blaming myself to get anywhere in life. Thankyou for your wisdom and compassion. You are the bomb.
Usually with deep trauma we need a solid trauma therapist to guide us through these complex waters.
This guy is the most brilliant guy on this topic!
There's a lot of people out there with knowledge about this topic, but after YEARS of research (im talking 10+ years) Jay is the only one who understands parental narc abuse & its effects down to a T. Literally my experience word to word
It’s amazing, his three pillars guidance is what repeats in my head when I’m lost in my trauma and not know what steps to follow to get through it. Then I remember oh Jay Reid said the three pillars and I go back to it and see a clear path and just learn to trust it’ll work out and do the work.
The more we dig for truth , the more it hurts
You are right, but it’s the right direction, as any other direction might hurt less in the moment, but it would very likely hurt forever. Without the truth I would still be stuck. I wish you all the best. Please take care.
@@sinesolesoleo5474 yes you are right. Truth is better than living in delusion. Thank you
I never felt corrupt. But I was deeply ashamed of my parents for being so cruel to me. I didn't want anyone to know how awful my parents were. I pretended everything was good at home to save face. I learned to smile even if I was aching inside.
Everything you speak of here is the reality of being the scapegoat. The narcissistic parent has to put themselves above their child at all times, it is such a twisted reality to accept. They don't change!
WOW I needed this. Some adults are trapped the same way as when they were a child, and have not had the privilege of correcting the power dynamics and therefore become free (like in my case, with disability)- and these feelings are SO strong. Thank you so much for providing clarity about how integrity and power dynamics intertwine in these relationships.
We know what they do. Repeating it is depressing. How do we recover? We need help, not telling how we were abused over and over and over.
Glad you're back after the off screen work Jay!
As a lifelong scapegoat in my family, I recently got that in a work place. Dude! I recognized what was going on and so did my anxiety.
I got another job and turns out I can go back to school with this new schedule while getting paid better👍
I could tell my lead and supervisor had a team thing where they just lie and blame their underlings instead of remedying issues. I found out they have highest turnover in company and could see the dishonesty, sadism, and callousness in the two.
I saw my fate was sealed with them and luckily got bless with new opportunities when I stopped trying to fix a broken team and moved on instead.
Best of luck Jay and thanks for great content!
I never absorbed being the ‘bad child’ I was punished for. But, I started bed wetting, nail biting, and cut my hair off at age 6. I remember cutting it off out of ‘frustration’. I’ve now learned enough to finally accept narcissism is a deficiency of self esteem and wellbeing, they have basically outsourced their self esteem and wellbeing, beaming when supplied with it, raging/punishment when we reduce it (shame, blame, game them). I finally feel at peace. Thank you Jay Reid. For being our Champion!
I too used to bed wet and was shamed for it. I wonder if it was a result of their hostile behaviour
Don’t forget the huge amount of sadism that they have and how they feed off of having the power to cause misery, frustration, anguish, deprivation, and ultimately, the suicide of their target, as that it their end game. You are downplaying and minimizing their evil pathology too much, and you’ll never heal before connecting to and releasing the righteous rage that all released scapegoats feel at how we were used.
There is a reason why they laugh and smirk in satisfaction and pleasure when they make us cry, there is a reason why they yell at us when they see us laughing, and there is a reason why they sabotaged our development, success, and health, and why they get off on being in complete control of us and subjugation and humiliating us, and turning everyone against us, including ourselves.
Thank you, I wish sadism was acknowledged in our society.@@winxclubstellamusa
Thanks so much for the AWESOME insight! 🌻
Sorry to hear your struggles, amazing you see it, I've always seen it about 50% it's hard to imagine others steal your self worth to boost their own, I grew up in a narcissistic household, I was the youngest. I'm 41 now and still recovering, good luck to you
Excellent topic! This is one of those graduate level scapegoat topics, the sort you can't necessarily name but is essential to heal. Scapegoats carry the shame of their abusers so understanding that they intentionally corrupted us with their stuff. The sadism here is the especially psychopathic.
THIS👏🏼
This is how you get gaslit by the general population ... Some people genuinely think a mother "loves" her children in the same way they think "love" means. That word is a tricky word, like "God". But you get blamed, which can further internalize the shame pressure cooker
Bitter truth.
I think its been one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with that all i could really do in the situation was survive. Its a hard pill to swallow but as your videos demonstrate its part of healing to acknowledge the reality of what happened. I plan to one day campaign against this kind if abuse and prevent it happening to children especially because they are so helpless and they need to be better protected than i was. No child should have to defend themselves from a narcissistic abusive parent.
I watched and listened to a Mother punish her 13-15 year old daughter in a laundromat. I figured there was NOTHING I could do and the Mother looked like a SCRAPER so I didn't want to get HIT! But what can you do? I listened to how derogatory the Mother was and WATCHED out of the corner of my eye as the girl started to exhibit ALL THE DAMN SYMPTOMS of ADHD! The Mother was CLEARY being verbally abusive and IN PUBLIC mind you. The girl did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG! I even started to shake!
@@janettemartin4604 I agree it's very complicated. Governments need to change the way this stuff is intervened on and caught early so children don't suffer. As you have illustrated, people do see children being mistreated so it's kind of an open secret that no-one wants to talk about but we all know it happens and that the current structures aren't protecting children from it..
yes. My concern too, is that you address the situation with that awful “mother” and we know that later, in private, that kid is going to pay the price for her mother being called out. She’ll get the beating of her life…
@janettemartin4604 I have been in that situation, unfortunately quite a few times, and I DID say I thought they were being disgusting bullies. Then I fled! I used to have more courage to do this. Or less sense!
@@galaosch9959that is a very good point
Your videos are so healing, I grew up in this environment no adult accountability/responsibility but me a child was expected to be the epitome of good behavior. They could behave however they wanted I was supposed to ignore/pretend and treat them with respect. It really drained my life force from my soul. 😢😢
Badass for the underdog.
Beautiful being.
Jays fluid to the trauma.
Finding your work has accelerated my healing non stop ✌️ ❤
“Being nobody to no one”- avoiding Annihilation. Those are very nuanced points. Colluding in our own betrayal is nice to walk away from, in awareness.
Thank you Jay, for helping me figure out the truth about my parents, and the reason I've always felt so down on myself. As I move forward, I cannot be both my true self and the person I had to be to have a relationship with my mother. The contrast is (and I am) growing stronger with time.
Jay Reid finds words to express all the emotions I have felt during abuse from family and the grief felt when I discovered the truth.
I need Jay Reid and his dose of sanity every week! Thank you Dr.
“Hostility towards himself seemed to mirror his hostility towards him as a child” there it is… the scapegoat whip.
The thinking I deserve to be this harsh on myself” I feel the whip on myself justified it isn’t
Whiplash... Scapegoat whiplash.
I, too, often turn to the immortal words of the rapper DMX when dealing with toxic people: "Y'all gonna make me lose my mind/ Up in here, up in here." 😂😂😂
Omg! I love it😂
I’m ready to really stir things up. They are very entitled, controlling, and spending my nephews inheritance he knows nothing about. He is so kind and caring…a wonderful soul and they exploit, bully and manipulate him. I’ve had it.
"The child was not free to exercise their will." They had to survive the toxic environment by any means necessary. Very powerful stuff. Really helps me see how I adapted (maladapted) to survive.
Thank you. I certainly grew up feeling that I wasn't good enough or I needed to do better, thanks to my father. My brother had no idea of what was going on at the time. Years later, despite my being the eldest, my brother was made Power of Attorney (noone bothered to tell me, as I didn't need to know - my interpretation), at a time when I was "not talking to" my parents (my brother's words). I've spent time in hospital, multiple times over the years, in psych wards due to my parents, their behaviour, my anxiety and their ignorance of my ill health. If it appeared that I wasn't talking to them, it was because I needed time away from them. I needed distance. It infuriates me to hear my brother say this. I had several bad relationships growing up, where coercive control etc was involved, again often causing hospitalisation, as I was made to feel so incredibly small & worthless.
Only after having lived away for almost 10 years, can I clearly see what was happening to me, as well as to my mother whose only escape was alcohol. (She passed just over 2 days ago, and my father, whom I have to interact with to some degree has heard that I won't be able to attend the funeral if it's at the church where I grew up due to PTSD, anxiety etc. His response has been "really? You have an anxiety problem? I had no idea..." Complete denial!
Excuse my long post, but this is a very difficult time, once again!
Wonderfully enlightening, thank you
A while back I noticed a pattern in me: when someone near me did something, mean, exploitative or bad I would begin to feel heavy, weak, depressed, bad and filled with dread and foreboding. It was from carrying others bad deeds and ways. Somehow they had become my shame. Hey guess what? That’s bullsh!t.
Suzanne, thank you! I just had my “aha” moment reading your comment. I too, felt ( sometimes still do) anxiety when I saw people doing bad things. I understand now that I was carrying their guilt/ shame and therefore exonerating them and finding myself “guilty” …Not anymore!
@@galaosch9959 that’s so good. God bless us with patience and kindness with ourselves on this recovery journey.
🦋🦋🦋🦋 Something I forgot to say in my comment: especially when people slighted me, used me, insulted me etc. I felt dread and guilt instead of the bad and guilt being on them where it belonged
The truth will send you free
Thank you jay, for being the voice so many of us never had, and in so doing leading us to find our own voices. I finished my medical degree, decided to shift careers and am now in college to become a psychologist at 26 years of age. You have changed my life. And i hope to lead my future clients to recover their voices in the same way you are helping in recovering mine. The journey never ends, but it becomes so much richer in the presence of those who understand, and are rescuing themselves in the same ways we are. So thank you for creating this community. I wish you all peace and joy.
Seriously.jay is amazing beyond words
On the same life path. 23 years old. May you be prosperous and continue living with mission and purpose.
@@21stcenturylady15 thank you for your kind wishes! I hope the same for you as well. 🌹
@@Loveorlie yes! Agreed!
Thanks, well said! And I think it’s about time to have a Doctor like you! 😊
I'm very happy about your new content every weekend! Thank you so much. Have a great weekend everybody.
Big hugs Love care n compassion to all survivors.
Scapegoat no more.
Weve become Black Stallions.
Thanks for your education and validation Dr Jay. Youre a beautiful soul.
My mother would use my pain to get validation and attention. I would get bullied at school and I didn’t want to go. She turned it into a drama triangle and told other family members I was out of control. No empathy for my experiences with bullying.
This is helping me so much. Since I was a kid, I would always ‘go with flow’ with friends. I would wonder how they could be themselves but I felt I had to give them preference in everything. Now much later I realize it’s because that’s what my family of origin instilled in me…that what I would like doesn’t matter, it only what matters what others want. This has put me in a lifelong struggle. I isolated myself from people for several years and now I’m barely starting to try to be with people again. It has been really scary for me but it has also been good. One step at a time. I had listened to your video that said it’s important to find safe people. It’s little steps. What I do know now, is that I’m free to be able to express myself authentically with less fear of what others think.
This is so on point. I have battled with these feelings of inauthenticity and “corruption “ … and also a regret for not standing up for myself or rebelling.
But I was hated BECAUSE I was that kid who said “the emperor had no clothes,” which is why I was targeted. After that, I had to choose survival. I definitely didn’t gain. I survived until I could escape.
On the flipside, I can’t STAND when people nitpick me for timeliness. I don’t care when they’re late, and I try to be on time but struggle in this area. It gives me extreme anxiety to meet up with people who are sticklers in this area, and I really am about to cut off all the people who nitpick me about being 6 minutes late when we meet up. Paul was right to be concerned about his therapists reaction to 3 minutes 😂.I would drop him as a client because life is too short. I’m sorry, Paul, one scapegoat to another….chill….life happens. People are busy, and there’s traffic. Maybe try to be 5 minutes late to the next thing yourself. Youll see it’s not the end of the world.
My narc parent was a stickler for timeliness, and everywhere we went, we were 15 minutes early just so we could hear her complain about everyone’s tardiness and her own superiority for the next half hour. It’s a waste of life energy.
Oh Dear Jay, this video feels like a balm to my whole heart! Sending you a giant hug! How very, very thankful I am for you! 🧡🥰🧡
Dr Reid, you are always so on point with what I have experienced with my mother. I am in my 60s now and I can not thank God enough for people like you. Thank you....Gracias
I think its important too to get out there and enjoy life, and do things you enjoy and be kind to yourself and try out different things to figure out who you are so you can get back to being you again.✨💜✨
How wonderful of Paul's therapist to validate Paul's anger and worth for him!! To let him know that others are supposed to be accountable, and not attack you when you call them out on misbehavior/not meeting standards. I had a therapist that would take up 10-15 min of my time talking about herself! I stopped seeing her w/out telling her I was upset that she was taking my time, that I was paying for!! Never being allowed to question/confront parent about anything made me feel I didn't have any say in how I was treated. I'd gotten to the point that I wanted to say something but was still afraid of the confrontation and possible accompanying backlash, so I chickened out.😢
There are MANY therapists that are narcissistic themselves.
Take care.
Have greatly distanced myself from a group of siblings/in-laws who are not safe people who have trampled over me- in ways too sneaky to see coming. The aftermath is a feeling of "i wasn't smart enough to defend myself" even if connived behind my back. Loved, cared for family- yet, betrayal has put me in an emotional freeze. Struggle to feel anger as may need, even feel guilty for not accepting an invite; politely bowing out. Nobody asks about me, living alone. Don't feel like the original me. Mom and I were close- she kept things at bay, she's gone. Perhaps a bit of betrayal blindnes keeps the heart at bay- knowing how awful my own siblings treated me..a way to protect myself. Mother was a witness- "they were wrong" told me i was the smart one, means emotionally mature, while these siblings were "all mixed up" is how she put it. After several years, Found some peace, but the mojo of my spirit is "on caution" careful for the other shoe not to drop.
Dear God, I humbly ask you to remove our burdens in accordance with your will..let it be done. Amen
Amen
Can't win. You stay, you're bad and hate yourself for staying. You have a tendency to abandon yourself. You leave, you're bad and are hated for abandonment, but you learn to take better care of yourself. This goes so deep, and it can get so complicated in a family system. My mom is at her end-of-life stage now, and everything is becoming exaggerated again and I can see things clearly that I never understood before. The abandonment issue is weaponized, and everyone's fear of abandonment is all tangled up and turned on each other with accusations. Something is sure to feel bad. I guess I just have to choose which bad I want to feel. I choose my own integrity, but that is going to cost me, unfortunately.
This is so helpful …we needed protection as children …but also needed a shared reality
Super episode, Jay.
Such deep, precise insights into the complex feelings experienced in a narcissistic family. Your compassion for survivors is evident. You are saying what we need to hear to help untangle the emotional mess left in the narcissist's wake. Thank you for every insight, every word. You help us rise to know, bit by bit, who we actually are - our own honesty and integrity.
I can't thank you enough for your helping videos and topics.
Two minutes in and I am already crying. Thánk you
Thank God for Jay. I've been off with watching these 'narc abuse survival vids' for a while, thinking I dont need them anymore/trying not to be triggered daily. WELP, i'm back ready to continue my healing journey.
I had one adult in my life, not a family member, who helped me begin to understand that I could choose to live in a more honest way than I was raised to live. Like Jay, he was a therapist. I am so grateful to that man.
Much Respect
Powerful & so true. Thanks.
Living dishonestly for personal gain is who i lived with for 10 years. And then they want u to supprt and agree with their lies or else youre their enemy
I really enjoy these videos because I was targeted by narcissistic people for most of my life and they have to make me feel small in order to survive and manipulate everybody against me and make me feel defective in order to survive which is a very difficult and horrible position to be in
You're doing the lords work sir
I've watched this twice & wish I could hit the "like" button 1000 times. Thank you so much, Mr. Reid🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
I Feel Ya.
Smiles 💞
Thanks for this one Jay, "its not what you heard, its what you're hearing"..bars😀🌟🙏
Thank you so much for this video, Jay - The word " corrupt" felt completely accurate, and I hadn't been able to pin-point a word to the feeling until now.
I’m just now starting to work through the damage from my narcissistic mother & codependent father. Your channel is so helpful. Can you do a video about what normal parenting looks like? I hear people say things like, “you have the right to say no to your mom without being attacked”, or “you don’t have to DO anything to be loved”, or “you’re not responsible for your parents’ happiness.” I’m amazed and intrigued by these statements! What do “normal” parents believe? What do their children grow up to believe about themselves? Nga mihi from NZ 😊🙏
Exactly biatch!!!! Exactly!!! Thank you! Exactly!!! Exactly!!!
Exxxxxxacccccccttttllllllllllyyyyy!
😁👍
Thanks Jay. Very helpful video about this feeling of corruption and where it comes from.
love ya Jay. Hope you are ok too!
Jay you are such a gift to us. I am learning so much from you. I really resonated with your story about the fears of the client speaking up about his therapists tardiness. I have that fear that if I speak up about my feelings I’ll be attacked. You helped me see where this assumption comes from and that I need to challenge it. Thank you for all you do here to help us. ❤
Thank you so much you're the only therapist that is actually touched home with me I listen to a lot and I went nope that doesn't fit note that doesn't fit and I listen to you and I went wow, now i get it. The only thing is at 60 should i even try to heal? I feel like it's in my DNA. I really have no one to talk to and the people i do have to talk to are tired of hearing it.
Thank you so much. It’s such a relief to understand I had no choice. But at the same time, it’s so hard to realize this only after several decades - well, better late than never. It’s crazy-accurate how the enemy term is in our family: my father was a vulnerable narcissist and gave his sons names that all mean warrior in some old language of our country (“I never wanted to have children” - then why three of them? Because he was a liar and he wanted a daughter which didn’t happen). While my younger siblings indeed are the fight type, I’ve been the door-mat of the family, but not any more: thanks to my wife, therapy, and all your information, I finally managed to gain some distance. Thanks again.
Wonderful video - thank you
Jay, thanks!!! @ 4:33
This has literally created the energy and purpose behind my 'DJ name & creative personality'
Grew up believing that I will have to be the bad guy or be made into the Villain...no matter how good I am.
That's why its V '1LL1N and not Villain. haha
To hear this, made me both tear up and chuckle at the literal truth of all this.
Thanks again Jay. Feeling like you get it, yet dont even have to, is awesome.
I am a damn good v'1ll1n.
Here's to Authentically Trusting YourSelf 💞
Thank you Jay ❤
May all of our healings be Blessed by the Divine Light ❤❤❤
This is incredibly sad. After a narcissistic woman deeply hurt me I’ve had trouble understanding why. Wouldn’t matter anyway because I offered her every bit of compassion. I just could see her daughter doing this.
And though we hope the daughter doesn't go there as an adult, there's a really good reason why narcissism tends to be handed down for generations. There's no good reason for any of it, and we have to practice radical acceptance and walk away if we don't want to get caught up in their mess.
This info has changed my world.
Thank you for clearly explaining the difference between making choices necessary to survive and choosing dishonesty for personal gain, and making clear that the narcissistic parent is who has been dishonest for personal gain.
Loved the DMX reference! 🎉
Thank you ,Sir!Now i Know where The tension comes From,if i stand up for me :)
Yes, ive been dishonest with myself and others. Mainly i think after watching this is the people ive attracted let in, not set proper boundaries would have the reactions id expect, not like the mentioned therapist with understanding. So when it gets a bit heated and i know ive compromised myself and values the narc fights back. At that point ive already made my mind up long before they've walked out the door because i wont allow them back in and as they always have plenty of supply, its no real loss to them but i do my hernit crab thing!
the narcissistic parent in my opinion had no choice either he is also a Victim of his childhood
the main thing is listening to podcast like yours and learning improving and breaking cycles
i was married to a narc for 40years and very overwhelmed in the marriage and afterwards to deal with his smear campaigns
parental alienation from my 2 children from my ex lies and manipulations
i feel much better after 5 years of healing myself
i have also tried to understand my exs childhood that he is also a victim of his childhood and forgive him but still remain no contact with the weasel
Thank you!
I never felt corrupt...I could NOT understand why adults who knew the truth would not confront...ever prosecute her.....
INSTEAD they pretended my father's drinking was the cause of all the problems...
His drinking was only embarrassing...not dangerous..
He was so easy to read and easy to deal with...
But this explains why SO many people INVENTED a BIG lie so they did not have to take action against the REAL abuser...
When 3 out of 4 of my siblings realized SHE was going to get away with it everytime...They became flying monkeys...
When the sh*t FINALLY hit the fan and fell completely apart..THEY suddenly wanted me to "fix" their lives like I had since 14..
I couldn't I was desperately trying make a living and had no time for their BS acting out...
SO SHE had come out smelling like a rose...now had a job...robbing my father by getting alimony while not contributing to my sister's very expensive psych care and hospitalization.
SO now she could REALLY manipulate them...and I became.."well you know how weird and selfish she is"..
AFTER BEING THE FAMILY SLAVE SINCE 14
LOL...taking the hits for them..making special meals for them..driving them places..even giving my crazy sister money to take tests for scholarships...she never got any...we kept trying...
I was "the good mother" and the vicious maggot real mother was too dangerous to hold accountable..so they upped the abuse on "the good mother"
I’m the oldest as well. Different circumstances but I can so very much relate to be forced into a parent role and then having my adult younger siblings abuse me the same way our narcissistic parent did. It’s like I protected them from seeing the truth of who he was and now I see they believe that I deserved to be treated like shit.
Me too, the scapegoat sister. I couldn’t understand how they can see me as the bad guy when they actually have seen the truth with their own eyes… except that they still are in the narcissistic fog. I just barely came out of it, somehow my blindfold was removed and I’m beginning to understand. I hope I can wake them up too, and somehow save them, but first I have to save myself. ME first, for once in my life!
@@galaosch9959 the more I tried to help them see the worse the negativity towards me got. I’ve had to let go of this hope that things will get better and keep the focus on my own healing. I pray someday things will be better but I know that one of the blessings of being the family scapegoat is having the capacity to do the work of healing. Praying with time God will open their eyes and they will see that they’ve always had a sister that loves them and wants the best for them and that they too will choose to heal instead of repeating the dysfunction!
Very interesting. Maybe this gave some insight into why some of us might tend to get down on ourselves for allowing things to happen and for as long as they did and feeling like we might’ve been too weak, when this video affirmed that there often was no choice in the matter, heartbreaking as it is.
I thought it also helped me to better understand why I get so tense when I feel the need to assert myself, when in the past, I was a pushover. Well, being a pushover got me nowhere, and made me resent those who violated my boundaries, but mad at myself for not even trying to establish any.
In a perfect world, the respect would just be automatic. But I had to tell myself that nobody’s a mind reader, so if I don’t say anything, how will they know?
And further, when I’ve let these things go unsaid, my anger festers.
So since a few years ago, I’ve tried to call others out when something doesn’t sit well with me.
Inevitably, I always get harsh backlash (from anyone, narcissistic or not), and I never really win and get made to feel like I did something wrong in trying to assert myself.
Yet, in spite of the backlash, I deep down inside feel a bit proud of myself for speaking up.
Many others have someone who has their back and sticks up for them, but in my case, if I don’t look out for my best interests, who will, so it’s my job and I owe it to myself, even if that means getting yelled at or having my concerns trivialized, and getting alienated.
I should be used to rejection by now, but it still feels terrible, but I also have to learn more self reliance, and then the rejection might not sting as much.
Diatribe, I’m sending you a big hug of brotherly love. I’m glad you’re standing up for yourself, no matter what. Yes, even “normal” people get upset at you when you stand your ground because they are used to getting away with everything from you! That’s what I’m going through right now, and I’m finally seeing how much people “used” me. That’s not love, it’s not friendship, there’s no reciprocity, so why keep them in my life?
Good job Jay
I grew up thinking this was 100% normal. I had too many relationships with people who married my parents' narcissism and trauma. You are giving me a light to follow through the dark tunnel on the way out.
Thank you so much, Jay!
Thanks Jay! These videos mean so much ❤ take care
Thank you for your great help and support Jay. God bless you❤
Yes, sooo true!!!
How? How? Just how do you know all this? Jay, I love you. ❤
Hard to meet normal people after having been scapegoated a life long. You meet only weird people or people who are afraid of you because you are an attractive person. How does this transference of bad feelings about oneself operates ? How the parent transfers his/her feeling of corruption onto another being ?
I wonder if being a hypochondriac is common way a narcissist might use to manipulate and guilt trip their victims or are some people just doubly lucky?
I think Jay is a hip-hop head, which is pretty cool. I'm trying to dive into the genre and discover some fundamental albums, so it's always nice to hear a bar recited in these videos.
I am scapegoat who is also hip hop producer and big head. I can guide you.
This channel has changed my life I really really appreciate this! I have been to therapy for 10 years and nothing like this! I am the scapegoat but I thought I was the golden child! Wow!!!!! Honestly life changing!
You can be a golden child and still have trauma from a dysfunctional family - my brother was the GC and he deals with a boatload of mental health issues as an adult. He’s repressed so much, but he remembers as a kid how I was mistreated and never understood why. I’m fortunate that he’s on my side I know that not every GC can be this way. I try to help him as much as I can.
Thank you.
Welcome!
Both of my parents were narcissists. Your videos are great because they’re logically presented without emotion. Thanks.
Jay is empathy personified
What an outstanding video. I learned so much about my childhood dynamic from this. Thank you so much.
When the DR references DMX it's a good day❤😂
Your videos are amazing. More people will find these. Thank you for helping us. ❤
You akwats have the perfect words to describe these scenarios . Thanx 4 sharing your expertise with us❤
At last I understand. Being in public with my covert narc mother is an agony of feeling as if I'm a liar, wearing a false mask. She acts sickly sweet in front of others and the world thinks she's almost literally angelic. I've spent my life having to treat her the way they all do, while I silently scream with the duplicity of her firstly, and myself secondly. Now I understand my behaviour and know it isn't my fault. I've had to!
Lots of gems in here, thank you so much! 🌟🙏
As a child, I did choose to be on my own. I believe I was able to do this because I had a nanny who I adored (whom my mother tragically bannished when I was 5 yrs. old). I still cry over this (I am 63) but it allowed me to preserve the truth.
I can acknowledge that none of us including me could ever be perfect while at the same time I do appreciate it when someone points out something that I can improve on after it is no longer a blind spot of mine as result. There are some faults of mine which I have a harder time changing. For example the need for me to be mindful of the social graces always no matter what all I am having to face at the same time.
I was not expecting the DMX reference…🔥💗🙏🏽
I really appreciate your videos! You have a way of saying things that just clicks for me. 🤯 It's like sometimes I feel like I'm making all this stuff up in my head and I see one of these videos and I know I'm not because you describe it better than I could've said.
This was a great description of the dynamics in these relationships. It was such a relief and empowering to hear it explained this way with clear example scenarios and succinct memorable terms/phrases. Thank you very much.
So good,authentic rules and you have a trustworty aid that is really working !⚓⚓⚓
This explains a lot. Thank you 🌷