What To Do With A Failure-To-Launch Child
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- Опубліковано 30 вер 2024
- When your child grows up to become an adult, at some point he or she will have to leave the home to create a new life for themself. But if they don't leave home or are hesitant to, this is what we call "failure to launch". In this video, me and Vicki will talk about why some people have "failure to launch" and what to do about it.
00:13 You're job as a parent is to love your child no matter and even if
01:30 What failure-to-launch isn't
02:56 We're talking about the "adulting" part
04:30 We're also talking about people who are able to provide for their own needs
05:25 As adults, we no longer have to treat them as children
07:10 It's okay to set new boundaries
08:30 Usually your kids want to successfully launch
10:14 Unfluff you nest because it's okay to do so
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Dr. Paul Jenkins
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#LiveOnPurpose
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I realized last year that my then-7-yr-old wasn't confident that he could make his own sandwich, or even toast... It was such an eye-opener for me. I could picture him sitting around our house at 36 yrs-old, asking me for a sandwich and if I washed his work uniform yet. I don't want that for him or for any of us. I'm vigilant now of allowing time for him to complete as many tasks as he CAN. The more he does them, the quicker he gets and the less irritable he is when asked to try something new. I hope all this makes a difference when it's time to "leave the nest".
It will make a huge difference, spacecoyote55. Don't do for kids what they can do for themselves. Also, help them think through how they will do something, what comes first, then next, etc. Helps them think through how to handle challenges that creep up.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I'm an adult living with parents because I don't wanna be another statistic of army reject with PTSD who's out on the street stealing for his next meal.
Being poor is illegal and it's society that's broken
We ain't broke it’s the system that is broken
This->is a modern day plantation and you know it
Manufactured patriotism
Makes asking questions about secretive initiatives
Just as dangerous as seals on a secretive mission
Secret prisons people still in
Even paranoid transients see the villains
Sure I hear voices
Telling me inhale the weed and always peer forward
Wandering this scorched earth
Please go get good professional counseling, you’ll feel so much better about things and yourself, which will make it easier for you to “launch” out on your own and make new friends who are well adjusted and independent....just like you will be after engaging in consistent good counseling.
Wish my parents watched this when I was a kid.. I'm 28 now, and feel like I just dont want to be here anymore.
Thank you for watching, J Lux. If you don't want to live with your parents any more, make a plan to become independent and focus on that. We have a Positive Personal Development playlist, which may help you develop into a strong, independent person: ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCYtqYUCuzsyYpAlzKZDVVV.html
Find a way to be of service to others, preferably on a one-to-one basis. In the old Westminster catechism, the FIRST question is: "What is the chief end of man?" Answer": "Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." One way to do this is by helping others. Remember that pure joy you felt the last time you helped someone? Maybe you did nothing more than hold a door for someone, or just smiled at them. Helping others glorifies the God who made us. His reward: A feeling of happiness that fills our heart. Also, too, remember that the beginning of happiness lies in GRATITUDE. Share the good gift our Father has given us. Every year at the beginning of the school year I watch for a mom or dad buying school supplies for children, and I tell the cashier that I will pay for it. I look for someone who looks a little on the needy side. I've never had anyone turn me down. I tell them God has been good to me, and He told me to bless someone else. I do the same at Christmas. Oh my dear young brother or sister--try this. I will be praying for you. With love, in Christ.
@Mama Trama hey thank you 🙏
Thank you guys 🙏
I want the same thing for my parents too. Especially my mom, the same old behavior patterns by compulsively caretaking me that I don’t really need for some area I can do things by myself. I’m getting really fed up with my living situation like this. The dynamics still not changing for me and my mom.
What if we screwed up parenting all along (before we found your videos and expertise of course). We made life too easy all these 21 years.... I’ve made things way to comfortable for him, not realizing that’s what I was doing....
V S, you can tell him that you have had an epiphany and let him know what steps you are willing to take to help him launch. Give him an end time. I had one mom tell her son that it took her 9 months to bring him into the world and he now has 9 months to leave the nest. Plan the steps and in her case, it took less than 9.
I'm 31 and I'm still living at home and I know it's mostly my fault. I have Social Anxiety and Depression and I have tough time keeping a job. I started my own business photography a couple of years ago and it just started making money but not enough. I have issues with self-esteem that I'm working on but hopefully I can move out in the next year or two.
Cole_drake41, keep working on it, you are getting there.
my son has the same issues but hasn't found anything that makes him happy he would rather sleep ALL day. Had a good job but didn't want to work there anymore....I'm so frustrated and sad....
@@mariad3011 Throw the bum out. NOW.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Oh for Heaven's sake. You're nothing but wimps. Folks like YOU are the real problem. You enable, make excuses, and refuse to hold these parasitic leeches responsible for their selfish behavior. Shame on you.
My brother went from my mom, to me, to multiple girlfriends and now a wife. All trying to encourage him to thrive. He had a job for maybe 4 years. He sufferers from cPTSD from school bullying and my abusive father was a ragging anxious who was also a victim of child abuse as a child. I’d like to spread the word of Neuro-plasticity re-wire. It’s working for me. My brother is now 60. Behaviors need to change to allow one to thrive. Stop with blame, get curious and heal is the answer.
These ultimatums won't work on all children. Parents needs to be aware that they risk alienating a child who may cut them out of their life.
Thank you for watching and commenting.
These are not ultimatums, they are consequences. If you enable your children you will come to resent them. This doesn't have to happen.
I have a 19 year old who has mild ADHD. He has no idea what he wants to do with his life and doesn’t want to go back to college after he tried it online during COVID. He is working at a super market right now during the evening hours. He spends lots of time on social media and gets overwhelmed once we mention anything about his future plans or help him improve himself such as trying new things or get a certificate of anything he likes. The issue is, he has no glue what he wants to do as a career and he doesn’t want to think about because it overwhelms him. He feels the opportunity of college has passed because his friends moved on to a second year and he didn’t.
How can we guide him to find his path?
Please advice me
Thank you so much.
Mrs. Mosallam, it is never too late to go to college. Challenge that assumption. Figure out what you are willing to give him as a resource and then give him a time table to figure things out.
Men usually don't hit their stride until they're 30-35. Chil out, he's 19 what do you expect from him. Instead of college he can join the military. Either way 4 years go by fast. But, he won't be in a ton of debt leaving the military. Plus he has real world experience doing something, problem solving, and learning real world situations.
i'm 38 and still live with parents because houses here are just too expensive. i see others living their lives on facebook and i feel left behind and sad as a result of it
HAL9000 Computer, save up, a little at a time. You can get there.
Move. I couldn't find a job or even get an apartment in California. Packed up my bags at 38 years old and moved to Texas. My life completely changed. If you want to visit family and friends you can just get on a plane.
@@DeepVerma728 i pray everyday that my son would do this but he won't. He has so many issues....
can you give examples of unfluffing the nest and i love that term
OzzzY, sure, when kids are old enough they can make their own lunches or when young, they can help. They can make their beds, they can do the laundry or fold their clothes or put them away. They can pick up their rooms and their messes. When they are old enough, they can have chores and then when they are older and have a job, they can pay rent. Make it just as easy for them to move out. Hope that helps.
Im 31 and lost my job due to corona. I got addicted to opiates, but my dad is having health issues, and also adamantly believes addiction is not real, that anyone can stop any habbit with will power. I feel like getting off these cursed pills must happen before I can function at any acceptable level an adult should to be of value to society.
i know this isnt your area of expertise, but, maybe if you dont have advice you might know someone who does? Im desperate at this point. Best friend of 12 years, who i was helping most of those years, cuz I didn't want to see him flunk out of school and still have all those student loans, well, of course as soon as I was no longer helpful to him he ditched me. The day my mom passed away i went to his place, as i needed someone to talk to, he had new friends there and they were bullying me around. I took him in the next room and told him my mom just died. Nothing. Think he even made a crack about how i cant grow a full beard right when we walkes back into his living room with his friends who I dont expect to care.
sorry to ramble.
Ro Mama, I am sincerely sorry to hear that you don't have the support of your friends and family. It is great that you are still willing to push through this and overcome the addiction. Yes, I know where you can get some help. Check out Addict II Athlete at www.addicttoathlete.com/ or facebook.com/AddictToAthlete/ . Coach Blu Robinson is not only a good friend of mine, but he is also a Live On Purpose certified coach. You can see him in some of the videos here on the channel, in the "Dealing with addiction" playlist: ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPAEZ4e_EhjAGjlInndmhzGf.html . All the best to you.
I wonder how CPTSD and/or deep grief impact the adulting process. My sons both set out on their own when they reached adulthood, but when they were 18 and 20 my eldest died. This year my now 24 year old son joined my husband and me in Mexico and what wasn't apparent when we lived apart but is clear now is that my son is stuck where he was when his brother died. On top of that he also had two very destructive relationships with abusive women who destroyed his self esteem. My sons and I were all diagnosed with CPTSD at some point. I got treatment years ago but my sons still had not, and they also still had contact with their abusive father. At this point, I don't know how to help my son, but I hate to see him suffering. It makes sense, but I was praying for a miracle. I didn't want my son's death to destroy both of their lives.
Encourage him to get counseling to do the hard work you did. Grieving can help us heal, but when stuck, well, the healing isn't going to happen. Let your son know you love him and when he is ready you have some ideas that could help him.
So what if they quit paying rent and refuse to move... all love is out the window and diplomacy doesn't work. She's 26 and thinks she's the owner of my house. She's gotta go because she causes too much confusion.
SCmade 1, serve her an eviction notice. Tell her a time she needs to be out and that if she isn't, her things will be at the curb and the lock will be changed.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV while I agree with this advice. People should really consider whether they should have children. I say this from the child's point of view.
would the following be considered failure to launch : The adult child never moves out, but its the parents who move out, retire to Florida and sell the house to this adult child?
urbana11229, not in my definition. If the child can afford to buy the house, then it is a transaction.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV - the child could but he still never launched. He liked the house, he liked the neighborhood, he just continued to live with his parents until THEY decided they're moving to Florida. someone had to buy the house, why not the adult child? many middle-age parents retire and then move somewhere else. why is what I describe so unusual?
Thank you for such valuable information and it gives great insight as what can be and what could be! Any advise on a defiant 5 yr old and to better establish breaking down a strong willed child that could be not challenged enough? My 5 yr old 8s having a hard time being respectful and taking orders! He seems to know what's expected and knows the difference between right and wrong yet chooses to be bad or take the wrong route and when asked why he chose to take the wrong route his reply is" because I felt like it!" Any advise will be good advise at this point!
PatientlyWaiting 4MyKing/SouloDad, I don't think you have to break down a strong willed child as much as direct them on the path. He might be so defiant because his personality does not like being told to do things. He might respond better to positive reinforcement. Set up reasons why he should do something by rewarding him and when he buys into the idea, there is less struggle. You don't want to get into a power struggle with a strong willed child. Pick your battles and let the other things go, there is time to work with the child. Work on one area and when that is mastered, move on. Give lots of praise.
Hahaha I'm already plucking and my oldest is only 6. 🤣 I'm definitely not looking forward to them growing up, but I do love an independent child. The way I look at it is the more they can do, the less I have to do. And what do I do with that free time? QUALITY family time. And it teaches them to be independent, strong-willed adults who are driven and successful. Not to mention they'll be team players. ❤️ Pluck while they're young. :)
Glad you liked the video, Carrie Bostic. Sounds like your kids are on the right track to launching.
You 2 are amazing! I am watching your videos because we are helping our daughter who chose to leave a bad marriage (husband refused to work , grow up, and help with kids and household, addictions) and she is getting a college degree to get a job that will provide for her and her 2 kids. We are helping $ and babysitting but struggling with boundaries. We see us as "room mates" but she is consumed with full time college and part time work, and the kids,..she is exhausted and collapses and sometimes does not help with dishes etc. Sometimes I feel like I am too demanding, strict, mean, but I don't want to be codependent. I can easily blow up with the kids,...( I am almost 60, health problems) your videos have helped,...but I do slip up. I am strict with my grand kids but I do fun things too. I am really thankful for your no nonsense, common sense ideas. I have one more daughter who has a degree, is working, and her husband won't work, stays at home. I have said nothing to her, but I see how hard she works to pay the bills. My mom never butted into my marriage and I wish she would have lent an ear. I my daughter how her husband is,...he does not leave house much. Is it appropriate to say anything?
A Rios, what would you say? You can let her know that you are there for her to talk anytime she wants but if she hasn't asked for any advice, she may not be receptive. Be supportive and non-judgmental to whatever she does share.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Good Advice...
I think it's important to consider why your daughters married (and procreated with) such losers?? Weren't they taught better?? Why did they enter adulthood with such a low sense of self worth that they would allow themselves to get so entangled with men like that?? While some kids are just bad seeds, often - parents need to look in the mirror as to where they were negligent in areas of their children's upbringing.
this needs to be twisted into how people like me can overcome escapism, we are hurting
david jones, if you are hurting, please reach out for some help. I also believe that practicing a positive mindset helps us to look at our challenges in a way that helps us to figure out ways to work through them and not escape.
Too many kids (and parents) just don't get it. The deal is for 18 years. That's it. That is the extent of a parent's obligation. Anything beyond that is a kindness. We don't owe you anything. You are no longer our responsibility once you are an adult.
Some parent's are co-dependent enablers. It's actually every bit as abusive and debilitating as physical or sexual abuse. Our job, as parents, is to prepare them to meet the challenges of the real world head on. It isn't to be their friend. It is to make the tough decisions that make us look like "the bad guy" at the time. But that, unbeknownst to the child at the time, is literally the best thing we can do for them. They don't have to like us. They dont have to thank us. They can thank us by being productive and independent.
"No." Learn how to say it. "Do it yourself." Learn how to say it. "That's not my problem." Learn how to say it. It sounds "cold." But that is the real world... right? It is cold. And uncaring. And absolutely merciless. So do your job and prepare them for that reality BEFORE they have to face it.
Thank you for sharing your opinion.
9:06 ah yes a wise idea being an annoying prick to someone whom the world is already treating as if he has no value. Yup that will definitely reinfoce the right messages, build a solid financial/ opportunity network and put your child in the best position to succeed.
Its not like people do this sort of nagging and niggling at Guantanamo bay or anything... absolutely no adverse psychological effects to be had with this strategy. 😐
Ok.
I have discovered with 3 kids that each one of them mature at different levels. One of them can be ready to do something for themselves at a younger age and the others not so much. Like my 11 year old will do her own laundry but my 13 year old jsut can’t get the hang of it. She will fold and put her clothes away but even thought she is very academically gifted. She can’t get a handle on the whole washer and dryer thing 😂 my 17 year old son is way further behind my two younger girls. What I have learned from this is to honor their pace of maturity. Let them mature at a pace that is comfortable for them and figure things out. That’s a sense of independence as well. Allowing them to figure things out. My 17 year old was not pushed to get a job even though he was told that it would be ok and he should. He went out and applied to jobs and found one without any help from us yet he struggles with doing school work on his own or even making his own meals. Any way, it’s important that we are not throwing at any of our kids that their brother and sister do it so why can’t they. I think that’s the worst thing a parent can do!!
Astrid Love, so true and beautifully said, our children are individuals and we cannot parent them all the same.
Where can I find that "Top 10 Adulting Tips" video that you reference in your video, please?
Sif Hansen, I think you can find it on this video, if I remember correctly: ua-cam.com/video/QMHu4SxG_7E/v-deo.html
Bill Burr looks weird with hair.
Thanks for watching.
I love these videos. I can be having an average mood but then you guys make me laugh 😂
Thank you for sharing, that makes our day.
Did I miss the advice ?
If my parents said pay rent id be homeless
no name, get a plan together and act on it daily.
I was taught to be independent and I teach mine to be independent. Even when they lost something and they ask for help looking, I stand there. They get so mad and say I’m not helping. I say “ but I am!” I let them look and learn.
ShadowRipper 25, it was always funny in my home that we could say we looked and can't find it then mom could walk in and put her hands on the item. Haha.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV haha. I have done that too !!! I would be standing right by it and they still couldnt find it
Thank you
You're welcome
Thanks
Danielle, welcome.
I have 3 adult brothers the youngest is 23 years old . They still live with my parents without any contributions in the house financially .I feel so bad for my parents . I told my parents to kick them out of the house suddenly I became the bad person in the family .I don't know what to do? Eventually I want the good for them .
Happily Simple, it doesn't sound like your parents see your brothers living at home as a problem. Do your best and let them work out the relationship. If they start complaining to you, set some boundaries about what you will talk to them about.
Lol...I have told mine... when they get jobs even as teenagers they will be paying me a wage. Kids don’t really move out here. But your spot on, it teaches them respect. 💖
Sarah Brennan, Respect is huge, for you, for their home and for themselves. Thanks for commenting.
where is here? Curious where you are living that moving out isn't the norm. I live in Mexico and think it is less common here.
What if you approach your adult child with these methods and they still won’t thrive, or are disrespectful. I know I have to learn to pull back on my “advise,” but overall these have been my tactics. Still not working. 🥹😩😭
Alicia Rosa, you get to decide what you want to do. If you are providing things for them, let them know when you will no longer be providing them.
While I agree with a lot of what was said in this video, I think it lacks a bit of nuance when it comes to children, mental health and trauma as a factor of individuals being labeled this way by their families and that’s why when I saw your comment I felt I should say something. I was falsely labeled a “failure to launch” because my family refused for a long time to meet me where I was to understand why I struggled so much “adulting”. I had a turbulent childhood due to trauma I experienced throughout my teen years. Because my family didn’t understand I just swept it under the rug. When I got to college, my mental health started to slip due to that trauma never being addressed. Eventually, my anxiety got so bad I was then forced to drop out and get whatever job I could but it wasn’t what I wanted or needed but I had no choice at the time. Also convos about mental health don’t exist in my family. Once my mental health went from bad to worse, my life started falling apart. I gained 150 pounds, stopped contacting friends, I couldn’t sleep, I had severe brain fog and horrible stress headaches and eventually suicidal thoughts. Despite all of this happening, my parents had no empathy, they only saw me as “disrespectful and lazy” so they decided to basically use these “failure to launch” tactics to constantly pressure me into moving forward while ignoring a very REAL problem. I also never listened to their advice because it was always tone-deaf to me. It only made me resentful and angry at them for not protecting me or listening to me as a child or as an adult. All the while, without my knowledge, my cousin was also suffering and going through it with his parents and even tho it seemed like nothing, he ended up taking his own life. That situation really was my wake up call. I ended up scheduling an appointment with a psychologist and getting a psych eval and after being diagnosed and hearing my story, the therapist suggested family therapy. After a year of sessions, my family were able to understand what I was dealing with and I finally got the resources and support needed back then that they withheld thinking I was just lazy and failing to launch (extra money, a place to stay until I got on my own, and emotional support from an empathetic place) which caused me to be able to address the trauma, graduate, and get a great job. Now, that may not be your kids story at all but I think truly getting to understand why they are that way is much better than losing them by assuming they are just being “difficult”. You have to meet people where they are without judgement and sometimes that takes a therapist or counseling but it’s worth it in the end. Good luck ♥️