In these situations you ARE vulnerable, but that is the point. Yelling at them means also that your are vulnerable, but if you choose to be honest your message might be heard.
@@emily_clare But that is an assumption. You never know how the person will recieve it and that is also not your responsibility, you are just trying to get a clear message across. Maybe they will think; ah finally someone who is honest.
@@emily_clareYoull eventually find people who wont take offense to things you didnt mean in certain ways that dont make you feel like youre walking on eggshells. You just cant please everyone and thats okay, its best to just be yourself in spite of the past experiences that have made you reluctant to be more open but at the very least always carry some respect for the people you care about with that honesty.
@@tariqthomas9090 Greetings, Tariq, nice to see you again after so long. I'm delighted that you're in a happy relationship, and I wish you and your partner the best.
@@iisakshii it's you thinking that it has taken place but in actuality you just want them to understand without you going through the discomfort to say it.
"Nonviolent Communication" was one of the most eye-opening books for me on this topic: open dialogue where we take ownership of our needs and wants without putting the blame on our partners has been a game changer
Same. And also Rosenberg's workshops that you can find on UA-cam. So many problems that seems unsolvable are actually easy to solve when you in communicate a way that connects you with life
@@DestassanDamn. This book and the workshop suggestions are exactly what I need. I feel there's always something that I didn't understand what the other person meant and focus too much on what they're saying without actually knowing the meaning behind it.
@@0.3nergy Oh, and if you want some real life examples I recommend you workshop from Portland 2004. And if you would like to cry in less than 10min then try searching for "empathic connection Rosenberg daughter"
I know it might sounds obvious, but all these things he said are 100% valid with friends, family, whatever kind of relationship you have. I recently started behaving in this way and I reckon it changed incredibly the way I live bonds with people, truly.
May I ask how it impacted your life? I've always struggled in relationships with people and friends, and I thought I've tried communicating better? But I really suck in communicating as someone who never knows what to say, or how to relate to others
@@Andrea-fz3pm I'd say it changed the way I express my needs to people, for example when something was wrong with somebody, I used to sulk in silence expecting the other person to magically understand what was the problem: now I just tell it, of course politely and trying to understand the perspective of the other person, and most of the times I can say it works. Ultimately I'd say it changed my view about conflict, before I used to see it as something inevitabily violent, now as an opportunity of frank confront
@@Andrea-fz3pmpeace be with you 💐💐 I am sort of the same. But that’s exactly what I try communicating to them. I TELL them that I suck at communicating and that it’s difficult for me. And if I really can’t bring myself to do it, I do it over a detailed text, or a detailed letter. Be open and try to help them understand your perspective. I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any more questions!!
Ever notice that the moment you are honest, and talk openly to anyone, it is noticed immediately, because it is the exception. I pick it up with friends who are always happy, they just speak the truth. It is contagious when we all do it. it is beautiful
I rmb a talk whereby a teacher taught his students to think 3 questions - ‘Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?’ before saying something. I think that’s really wise.
The problem is that a lot of us don't know how we are feeling. Feelings have been pushed down or away for so long that even the individuals themselves are only aware of the irritation they feel rather than beung conscious of the root of the irritation. For example "I'm annoyed that you are spending time with friends" is surface level. It takes a lot of unpacking to be able to realise the root is actually fear of abandonment or rejection
But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn. Just try to stop being violent with your language and be honest. Start off easy like for example “It’s hard for me to understand my emotions but I’m not mad at you or hateful towards you, so I’m sorry if this comes off bad but I just feel really upset because I always do the dishes and it feels unfair”
I believe that, before you say anything at all, one should undergo introspection to determine whether or not communication is warranted. Just because you might feel insecure or hurt, for example, does not mean you should necessarily notify your partner, colleague or loved one. Personal growth is to come to terms with your own feelings and determine whether or not these feelings are justified. If justified, one can then communicate these feelings in a healthy manner.
Well said. It's a hard point to discuss, because: It's not good to avoid/hide from your feelings. And keeping secrets is often a form of avoidance. But sometimes, chronic expression of your thoughts is a form of avoidance -- avoiding sitting still with your feelings, hearing them, before turning them into a talking point or seeking external emotional regulation. In short, you don't have to be afraid to feel your feelings, even fear. And sometimes you'll find they're worth communicating.
Absolutely THIS. My ex became really insecure at some point and anything he felt he would want to argue, and many times the same kind of thing repeatedly without ever thinking and introspecting about it first, or ever. I can't express how draining and abusive it became to the point of, dunno, arguing everyday because of this? I can't remember, probably shut down memories of him unconsciously and everything is quite blurred lol
THIS. This is what I mean by communication is key. Every one of my exes agreed that communication is important without actually knowing how to communicate in a healthy way. I'm so tired of being the only one in a relationship that tries sooooo hard to communicate in a respectful, kind, and non-assuming/non-accusing way.
I sometimes don’t even want to communicate anymore and stop wasting my time. Even when I say that they can say everything that they think and I won’t get upset (actually not getting upset), they still won’t tell me what they feel. Or they agree upon a problem and then keep repeating it anyways. It’s hard to be nice and honest for me, really. If im being honest people get upset about it no matter the delivery. When im being kind and patient with people, they distance themselves from me. When I treat people nonchalantly and not being interested in them, they’re suddenly all over me. It’s like people don’t want to be loved nowadays and only want fake relationships. Im in my early twenties and struggle with people, contrary to my teen days when I was thriving. Every girl I meet uses me for their s*xual desires and people I meet suddenly get jealous of everything and treat me as a rival. Sometimes, soltitude is killing me from the inside knowing my efforts will never be mirrored in the slightest.
Hi Olive, or hi anyone seen this. I've heard people say this a lot and a thought crossed my mind. Maybe people need to be taught how to communicate, I read books on communication however until I saw Marshall Rosenberg Non-violent Communication videos and his book I never really understood how we also influence(trigger) how people communicate. It's one thing to know, it's another to practice. The thought was: Forming a practice group or having communication partners can help people understand better and hopefully process how they feel then communicate how they feel.
Another good one by Ramit, He has a podcast on teaching couples on Financial Literary. Listening to people speak about their feelings can give more details to understanding yours. The channel is, "I will teach you to be rich"
So true, they never communicate and don't even care about communicating once they get a tiny bit hurt by you But every once in a while they go "'communication is important", so why not communicate then ?
This advice is delightful, WITH the caveat that the other person is at least willing to try to also communicate in a nonviolent way. Otherwise, you have an emotionally unavailable dynamic that is not going to change.
And in the case that you described, there's value in seeing the truth of that relationship dynamic. If two people do what the video suggests, mutual satisfaction is more likely than if one takes the video's advice. If one partner isn't similarly committed to mutuality, the value of trying is in confirming that the relationship itself isn't healthy, and that the other person isn't committed to changing that. So, the value -- painful though it may be -- is that one is likely better served ending the relationship.
this is what is going on right now with my relationship with my mother, she cannot avoid using violent or passive agressive responses and it is something i try to combat with my own honest communication. i hope i don't end up adapting that habit of hers, and that by recognising it now at 22 i can hopefully strive to keep it away from my own attributes and habits.
And committed to it 95+% of the time. Sure, grumpiness happens, and space/time is needed, but the agreement needs to be to use that space and time productively so when you come back together to communicate, it can be productive and healthy.
why even date someone if you can't even be emotionally vulnerable with them? what's the point? even like, your basic dudebros are more vulnerable with each other than that.
I unfortunately had to figure this out the bad way. My therapist and I worked hard on getting me to communicate my needs better, but my family never learnt to do that and so me communicating with honesty often led to fights. It's hard to keep communicating properly when everything around you seems to discourage it
I am curious, what if a truth is not kind polite? What if we have a thought about our partner that is honest and genuine, but a difficult truth for them to hear? Should we always be in our truth, even if its detrimental to the relationship?
@@akalui007 I guess the difference would be in the way you present that truth to them. Instead of being agressive, yelling out the truth in an outburst, you should think carefully and lay it on them as gently as possible. You don't want to give them the impression that you hate them, but istead that you brought it up to them because you care about them and want both of you to be happy.
A healthy relationship is made when both parties are willing to express themselves in an honest, kind and polite way. If only one is actively doing it, they will just be drained in the long run and will lead to a bitter ending.
A lot of people are not aware of their real feelings (or the cause of the feelings), they just feel angry or upset without analysing the motive behind it. What they say is related to the closest thing that bothers them, that is really only the trigger.
I am delighted to see that your editor has reintroduced a few seconds of silence before the video ends. All your videos make me think, and I find myself needing to take a moment to mull over what was said. Those few seconds give me an opportunity to press pause and reflect, instead of the playlist immediately moving on and I hear someone else banging on about something completely different.
I'm 33 years old now, and my personal 3 pillars for the past 5 years have been: honest, kind and compassionate. I literally GAGGED when the answer to the question: "If I were gonna try and be three things" came up! You're on it, as always, TSOL! (L)
I think for a lot of people, a big part of the problem is the older generation shaming us into silence until we snap because people under the age of 40-50 aren't allowed to think or feel. For example, growing up, I was made to be the eternal villain in my life. If I asked someone to stop doing something that hurt me... it was like, how dare I, how dare I have the gall to not consider THEIR feelings, how dare I put my needs over their wants!? I was grounded, I was treated worse, and it was made abundantly clear that 1) I wasn't a person, I was property, and 2) Not saying anything at all was a defense mechanism best employed one hundred percent of the time. Very recently, a friend of mine with severe auditory sensitivity (an unfortunate tendency to be overwhelmed by sound that I share and in fact experience even more acutely) asked our group if we could stop with something. I was thrilled that they spoke up and was excited to accomodate their request. Later that night, I spent time with a different friend who was screaming needlessly (they weren't even upset and just felt like screaming) and based on how my day had gone, I addressed my concerns. And I felt awful. Because how dare I, HOW DARE I express my wants and needs? We need parents, teachers, and other such figures in the lives of our youth to treat the young like people and not property. Because communication is important, and a lack of it can quite literally tear our entire society apart. And they're making many, MANY of us feel like we're simply not ALLOWED to communicate. (Take the absurd phenomenon of age gating pain. I'm 34 with a chronic injury from 30 years ago. If I even shuffle uncomfortably because of my messed up back - which is so bad that I'm legally disabled, oh no how dare I, I'm under the age of 60 so I don't have pain receptors at all, and clearly I need to be beaten to a pulp to show me that I don't actually know what pain is! I HAVE NEVER MET SOMEONE OVER THE AGE OF SIXTY WHO DID NOT TAKE OFFENSE TO MY ABILITY TO FEEL PAIN. WHAT THE HELL!?) And of course, I've tried to communicate how obscene this is. But this isn't even talking to a brick wall. A brick wall has the literal integrity to eventually crumble and give way.
seens like what you dealt with is the emerging tsunami wave of personality disorders that is intimately linked to modern developments in society. seens like you dealt with narcissistic (i hate using this word, but i mean it in the clinical term) and emotionally immature people.
I can't believe with how many points i related with you. I never managed to truly tell how I felt to a human being. I only managed to do it with my cats, as funny as it sounds it was quite depressing. However, I recently got a boyfriend, and throughout the few months we've been together, I've managed to tell him more and more about my feelings, and now I am essentially able to easily discuss with him about things that bother me, the way i feel, etc... I truly hope that everyone in this situation will find someone who can help them get past those stupid ideas we've been ingrained with.
There seems to be a general problem with Boomers/Gen Xers and i think it all goes back to how they were raised. I relate so much to your comment (I'm a millenial) because my father treated me like i was his property and i grew up behaving very robotic around him. I was never allowed to express any negative emotion whatsoever and certainly never allowed to voice any dissenting opinions (or voice absolutely anything really). I spent my childhood absolutely in fear and i wore a smile on my face to avoid getting beaten.
@@ShinyJarachias long as you keep trying eventually you'll notice a positive difference but in the beginning it's often quite hard to see one so just keep trying, I believe in you!
Some people do think. They just don't think with the right perspective/objective in mind... Just thought about how hurt they were, without getting to: while the hurt was valid, it may not have been rational, and so how can they express it in a kind way to their partner....
This was so good! And I learnt a lot at the same time.😊 How to re-phrase my initial emotional reaction; how to re-phrase theirs, when they don't realise it might not have been honestly expressed.🙏❤
Communication also only works if the other person actually listens and comprehends. You can be the best communicator in the world and would still be meaningless if your words go into one ear and out the other of the person you're trying to communicate with. My ex was a dismissive avoidant, so even though I very thoroughly communicated with him in a nonviolent way, no insults, just straight to the point + reassurance, it was to no avail. No matter how much I tried, he either wont listen, or listens but doesnt care or act, or throws a "sorry" and repeat anytime you bring the problems up again. He even made it look like IM the problem. "My day is ruined because of you" "thanks now i feel like shit" "Can you not ruin my night for one second?" "why do you always have to do this?"...
The biggest frustrations of my past relationships have been from my partner either not communicating what they're thinking or feeling, or communicating something they later reveal wasn't true. I can't do better if you lie about what hurts you. I can't do better if you won't tell me what's wrong.
This advice is great, but only if both people can respectfully handle each others' vulnerability. There are people who will turn it against you. If you are with such a person, you may need to break it off, because that person doesn't have empathy and compassion. A person like that is not usually motivated by those traits.
I clicked on this video expecting to hear just some person talking about what they think would've fixed their last relationship while calling it the fix-all. However, I was greeted with an idea I knew to be true yet I never saw represented. I think everyone could benefit from watching this video, even if they are in a happy relationship or miserably alone; clear and honest communication about anything, especially oneself, is key in nearly every scenario.
Worst situation is when you're with not mature enough partner so even your kind attempt to communicate for example "I'm tired and angry so can you leave me alone for a moment so I can calm down and rest?" isn't met with understanding but with "Oh, so you don't love me?" or worst "Is it because of me?"
At the end of the day, acting in a kind way is still acting. So it is important to also be kind enough to yourself to admit it is a skill set that you can, and will, hone over time; and that acting kindly, even if it is not completely honest, is much better than the alternative. The point of communication with others is not to be understood, it is making yourself the least likely to be misunderstood.
For anyone who has been trying to express themselves in this "better" way mentioned, but the other person in the relationship still seems to take it negatively or avoid communication all together, please, and I repeat, please don't blame yourself. Speaking from personal experience, even if you have all the best intentions, some people sadly won't understand it or outright refuse to understand it, no matter how you twist or turn it. Believe me, it hurts to be in such situation, but it's valid to feel that way. For me, it was a rough time, and even to this day I can feel the aftermath, but never forget that you've done your best with what you knew. ❤
Only works if the other person is also as open about their real feelings. I’ve tried being extremely vulnerable to my partner and shared how my insecurity might stem from my fear of abandonment but I got no response just “you have no reason to feel insecure” - a very “just don’t be depressed bro” kinda statement.
my last relationship that lasts 7 years ended like this. I gave her many many chances to explain herself what she actually mean. sometimes i relent, be soft, and ask her directly. but i was still met with violent insults. thats when i decided i don't care anymore and left her.
@@kalyanm6493 Well thank you for your input, but kindly understand I'm asking because I'd like to know. If you or any other man wants to answer please do share because it's always better from the horses mouth. Thank you.
@@sapphire1817honesty, vulnerability. if you have the courage to expose yourself, to really say what is hurting you, if the other person is emotionally mature enough to do the same, anything can be resolved. also, we hate nagging, and constant criticizing / blaming and accusing. we have a lower tolerance to smaller stresses compared to women. instead, saying "can we please talk? i love you" definitely makes mine and many other men's hearts instantly melt and open up. what man value the most is loyalty, with beauty as a close second. if you want to make your man happy, dress nice, show him you are loyal, idk, cook something if you can. he will be very happy, if he is worth your time at all. try not to demand things. most men are affection starved, we like long hugs and things whispered in our ears, too.
even as a kid, I would always tell my mom calmly that her ignoring about what i have to say about food she cooks is hurting me, but she is narcissist so she never cared enough She would start cussing at me, in turn i would again ask her what words of mine is making her mad and cuss when she can simply tell me where am i wrong so that i understand if i am wrong, she would cuss even more And the more i grew up, the more i saw that very less people are willing to communicate their thoughts as well as hear what others have to say This is so so easy to me, that when people don't hear well and communicate their words as well, i get so frustrated and heartbroken Getting angry and cussing is definitely tougher than simply communicating but somehow people chose the former
I can definitely empathise with your situation, and you're doing the right thing - once you find enough people who are receptive to your way of interacting with others, life will get a lot easier, trust me.
first i wanted to say "these are quite far fetched" but then applying some of these to previous situations got me thinking and actually noticing that i could've been less harsh with my words. thanks for being a reminder
I read his excellent book and did some research into improving my emotional well being and intelligence. I vividly remember doing something completely vulnerable and foreign to me, I expressed candid vulnerability. I messaged her.. "Hey I know you've been busy, but I've really missed your attention and would like some reassurance." I got a call from her telling me she lost all feelings for me, and she broke up with me the next time I went to see her. It's so hard to remain optimistic when you finally decide to take a risk by getting your hopes up, and be vulnerable and you get absolutely crushed.
This is amazing advice. The part I fear the most is will my partner have the emotional maturity, respect for my vulnerability and ability to create a safe environment for that kind of expression from me. If not, it causes me to clam up and resort to A responses, when deep down, I want to feel safe enough to express more B responses. I have tried...and I've seen what an unsafe environment can do to me. It can be damaging to mental and emotional health. To add to this video, be wise and observant of the partner you choose to practice B responses with. Not everyone will create the healthy environment that promotes and protects B responses.
This is why I, as an autistic person, prefer to date/befriend/surround myself with fellow autistic people. You see, people always say autistic people are bad at communicating. But really we simply communicate differently. We are way more honest. We don't like those silly social rules of not being allowed to speak your mind. The most wonderful communication I've had was with autistic people, it was very honest, open and clear. I do wish everyone will get to experience that kind of genuine communication some day... 💕 Also the swearing cracked me tf up :'))
During my last « relationship » I noticed my anxiety flaring up and I’ve never felt it so strongly. I tried keeping it to myself, tried to work on my mindset. I paid attention to my behaviour and worked on rewording my anxious thoughts and communicating them in an open, honest and kind way. Moral of the story; single. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made mistakes along the way, just wasn’t expecting things to go south so quickly.
this has to be one of the most powerful videos this channel has ever released. I also loved the "now you try it" part❤ More videos like this one, please!
I have found that being honest and vulnerable in relationships puts me at a disadvantage in a world where it feels like nobody else is. It feels like putting my cards on the table in a poker game.
Honesty and open communication are vital for building trust and intimacy in a relationship. Being truthful and transparent with your partner helps create a strong foundation. However, honesty should be balanced with tact and kindness. Bluntly voicing every critical thought may do more harm than good. Effective honesty involves communicating with care and consideration.The healthiest relationships tend to have a combination of honesty, compassion, and a shared commitment to the relationship. The key is to find a balance of openness, empathy, and commitment that works for both partners.👋❤
So beautifully said. Unfortunately it's harder to do in practice because of one's subjective triggers and unresolved childhood wounds. The key is to do the inner work to heal oneself, to become aware of such wounds and endeavor to overcome them through therapy and/or other means, with compassion and self acceptance. Doing so would allow one to access healthier approaches -- like the one you so eloquently describe--when responding to conflict inevitable in all relationships. 😌💜
This is all surely true, but one must not expect such clear and direct communication from others and act like they speak this way. To try to listen and understand what is behind all those rude and/or evasive speech is perhaps even more important than to correctly express ourselves.
Learning to play the Violin opened to me a lifelong world of friendships, travel and employment, and continuing education in many areas, don't dismiss Music so smugly.
I have no idea what aspects of honesty changes with autism, but me and my boyfriend (both of us being on the spectrum) have a hard time understanding how many people overlook this basic aspect of a relationship. Being honest, without sarcasm or violence, has always been our most important rule between ourselves. Of course sometimes with joke around with sarcasm, but when we discuss about serious topics, or just show our love to eachother, we'd never even think of being this aggressive towards eachother, or blaming one another for something that comes from within ourselves. This video was highly educative, and I'm glad to have stumbled upon it, even if its 5 A.M. and I should most definitely be asleep lol.
Being honest can make you sound silly, because most people operate their daily lives by levels of sarcasm and unclear statements. But it also feels like finding a secret key to the great people you'll meet in life and difficult situations. I try to always be honest when it's possible, because true information is something both you and any of your companions can depend on.
Wow, great advice. I think what you are suggesting is that the person expressing their feelings, the speaker can use more polite and kind ways to express their feelings but instead, they express it in the form of rage, but in the listener's side as well, I think some people can or are expected to understand the hidden meaning in their angry tone and respond affectionately than arguing back. This expectation is a problem. Some people can't understand this. Mothers can. For example, she knows exactly what the baby is crying for whether it is for food, water, diaper, or attention, while the dad might just hear a loud cry, that is, just noise and no information. So understanding each other's capacity is important to express kindly or to understand the deeper meaning and respond kindly, and the limitations, of what one can and cannot understand and thereby adjusting to them accordingly.
It's common sense to be clear in communication with your near and dear ones. I always tell my wife that we should communicate even when we have a fight. I have seen better outcomes when there's communication as compared to when there's anger induced silence 😊
I started thinking this way in hs after I learned more about my religion and wanted to change and become like the prophets I learned about. The best way to get into this mentality is to be honest with yourself first. We often delude ourselves so we can feel better, feel like we weren’t wrong in the situation and that we are never to blame. It’s a lot healthier to tell yourself “yeah, my ego got the best of me and she/he was right all along” or “you’re too defensive and you need to work on that. What others think of you will never impact you because they’re also lying to themselves like you are” or “you’re socially awkward, but so are millions of people and it’s really not as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be.” things like that made me less afraid to be honest to myself and then in turn makes me a lot more honest to those around me.
I don’t understand why so many people struggle to say what they really mean. I manage it. But kudos to School of Life for at least telling the perpetrator of bad behaviour what to do for a change, as opposed to telling the victim to be more tolerant.
Metal wrote, _"I don't understand why so many people struggle to say what they really mean. I manage it."_ Using our experience as a metric may seem simple enough but it's not. Complex systems contain many variables. No human being is able to account for all of them. So, from the start, we see that just because we manage to do a good or sensible thing, that doesn't necessarily imply that others can, too. I excel at critical thinking. Most people I've had occasion to interact with do not. Perhaps they aren't cognitively able. Or, perhaps they are able but for any number of reasons, they cannot bring themselves to apply this ability. Whatever their reasons, there's no real utility to me contrasting my ability with others apparent inability, and then simply saying that 'I don't understand why so many people struggle to' think correctly. Such an understanding would need to be evaluated on a case by case basis. Even then, we need to recognize that apart from objectively measurable criteria, much of what we may have to consider is simply the other person's 'story' about themselves, their experience, etc. Not that I think everyone is dishonest in their story-telling, rather, most people seem to be painfully unaware of what truly makes them think or feel or speak or behave as they do. Again, they all have stories, but the challenge is in trying to distinguish between stories that are true and ought to be taken at face value, and stories that are only partially true (or even entirely untrue) but are believed by the one telling the story. It is a near impossible aim, but it's worth aiming at nonetheless. Soft sciences can give us an overview of patterns, but still, these are *descriptive* rather than *prescriptive.* 'What most people do' and 'why most people do that' say nothing specifically about why you or I may do, and why we may do it. So again, we're back to case by case analysis, and even then, again, we're never entirely sure that what someone else tells us is the reason why they do this or say that... is actually the case. Anyway, just thought I'd share some of my thoughts in the hope that you may find some of it useful. Cheers!
@@MetalCooking666 wrote, _"your reply is extremely arrogant and patronising."_ Yes, of course. Nothing says 'extremely arrogant and patronising' like *"Anyway, just thought I'd share some of my thoughts in the hope that you may find some of it useful. Cheers!"* Has it occurred to you that you've taken offense to what is nothing more than me elaborating my thoughts in reply to something you wrote? I made it clear that i was sharing my thoughts in case it may be helpful. Nowhere did I write anything that, considered in context, could be argued to be either arrogant or patronizing. So, the bottom line here is that you took offense where none was given, and then you made accusations of outward transgression based on your inner experience. In psychology, this is known as 'projection'. In contrast, consider the principle of charitable interpretation: "The principle of charity is a philosophical principle that denotes that, when interpreting someone’s statement, you should assume that the best possible interpretation of that statement is the one that the speaker meant to convey. Accordingly, to implement the principle of charity, you should not attribute falsehoods, logical fallacies, or irrationality to people’s argument, when there is a plausible, rational alternative available. "For example, based on the principle of charity, if someone presents you with an argument that can be interpreted in two possible ways, one of which is logically sound and the other of which is fallacious, you should assume that the logically sound interpretation is the one that they meant to convey, as long as it’s reasonable to do so." If you're looking for a fight, you'll need to look to someone else for that hit of dopamine. But, if you're looking for a conversation that aims at mutual understanding, for mutual benefit, hit me up.
Imo, long responsd is hard, and may require repeat, that is if the other party arent attentive. The "Fuck off and die" part was more concise and straight to the point, albeit ruder..
I feel like as kids we experienced that being honest could lead to disapproval and dismissal. And so we shut down ourselves and put a mask on and this has followed everyone into adulthood :( oh how i grieve for all our inner child, may we be the parent we never had and become ourselves again❤
Why can't we more often say what we mean? I think it largely because we ourselves don't know what we are feeling, or don't know how to explain to ourselves, much less to our spouse. Self reflection, and practicing putting my thoughts into words via a diary really helped me better understand my needs and communicate it better to my husband as well.
Speaking is one part of conversation....listening is the other half .... Whatever we say now it's equally important how it's heard on the other side for often ears are conditioned to react according to their conditioning and not to what's been said
A lot of this is tied to humility. Ignoring our own part in the healthy of the relationship is a sure way to build up resentment and disdain when the other person is doing something we don't like.
"Why didn't you tidy the kitchen?" was the most relatable example. A lot of people talk like that without understanding why it puts their partner on defense, whereas the others are pretty overt verbal abuse.
Ha, CBT therapy taught me this as did my ex, who had very high emotional intelligence, combined with actual training. The ‘I feel’ statements. And still, it was a breakdown in communication in the little things that unwind us. But we both were strong enough communication wise to accept to end it amicably. I will forever be grateful to her for teaching and aiding me with this. I guess knowing how to communicate calmly and truthfully is a key skill many miss and it causes conflict. My family say I’m the best at conflict resolution. The first thing many don’t do, is hear out the other person with space, even if you strongly disagree with their stance.
You do this kind of communication not just to get a particular response. You do it bc it is in line with your values, how YOU want to treat people, who YOU want to be. That’s all you can control anyway. And then MAYBE it will influence another. “Be the change in the world you want to see” -Ghandi…Remember?
I think the problem isn't miscommunication with our partners, it's miscommunication with our own selves. I really struggled to understand what was going on inside of me, to even begin to explain to him what I needed. Only now that we're not together, the picture is getting clearer. It's beautiful how some people play such important and yet such temporary roles in our lives. If I ever see you again, I am going to be really scornful with you, but what I really mean sweetie is that I am grateful that I had that experience with you.
I really like this video. Honest, transparent communications would be a game-changer. Personally, I need - and want - to improve myself in this way. Thank you! 🙂 Paul 😎
Such a powerful and amazing message! "Fuck off and die" killed me btw! It's really interesting because this is one of the main lessons i've learned from my past relationship recently. As much as it pains me, I feel like a new man who's much more honest with himself as well as the people close to him. Honesty is perhaps the single most important thing in relationships just like it was mentioned in the video
These advice work only if your partner is mentally healthy in general and only have some acquired bad communication habits that he or she is willing to work through (same as you are trying to do). Although, the reality is often more cruel. There are many people with narcissistic personalities and a bouquet of different psychological conditions. Being kind can all the time can turn one into a victim in a relationship. It’s important to see if your open heart meets another open heart. If not, sometimes it’s better to step back and look for an escape instead of trying to find a key to a lock which has no keyhole whatsoever.
Amazing ! I recently had a similar situation with my partner who has an assignment in S. America. I had to travel for work with colleagues from my home in LA to D.C. Some of the communication was unexpected and irrational. Once the temperature was turned down it gave space for the underlying issues... hopefully that process will accelerate with practice!
I get this video after saying something i regret in an unpleasant way, and now we're both feeling distanced and rough. Algorithm either wants to help me or mock me.
hey one of the rare occasions where i'm glad that im autistic and naturally communicate very clearly and tend to overexplain things to avoid unnecessary conflict💅
Main problem: anxiety of being honest, anxiety of seeming vulnerable
But also the anxiety that if we speak our minds we'll be perceived as crude and insensitive to the other person's issues
In these situations you ARE vulnerable, but that is the point.
Yelling at them means also that your are vulnerable, but if you choose to be honest your message might be heard.
.... Because of being emotionally abused for sharing our feelings. (Basically 50% of anyone over 20 yrs old IMO)
@@emily_clare But that is an assumption. You never know how the person will recieve it and that is also not your responsibility, you are just trying to get a clear message across. Maybe they will think; ah finally someone who is honest.
@@emily_clareYoull eventually find people who wont take offense to things you didnt mean in certain ways that dont make you feel like youre walking on eggshells. You just cant please everyone and thats okay, its best to just be yourself in spite of the past experiences that have made you reluctant to be more open but at the very least always carry some respect for the people you care about with that honesty.
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." George Bernard Shaw
Great quote Trina!
As someone still very new to being in a relationship, this is very relevant to my own personal journey with me and my partner lol.
@@tariqthomas9090 Greetings, Tariq, nice to see you again after so long. I'm delighted that you're in a happy relationship, and I wish you and your partner the best.
I don't get it, what's the first one? That the communication hasn't taken place?
Hahaha I really like that! Thanks! 😁
@@iisakshii it's you thinking that it has taken place but in actuality you just want them to understand without you going through the discomfort to say it.
"Nonviolent Communication" was one of the most eye-opening books for me on this topic: open dialogue where we take ownership of our needs and wants without putting the blame on our partners has been a game changer
Same. And also Rosenberg's workshops that you can find on UA-cam. So many problems that seems unsolvable are actually easy to solve when you in communicate a way that connects you with life
@@Destassanlink ?
@@DestassanDamn. This book and the workshop suggestions are exactly what I need. I feel there's always something that I didn't understand what the other person meant and focus too much on what they're saying without actually knowing the meaning behind it.
if everyone read that book we'd have a paradise
@@0.3nergy Oh, and if you want some real life examples I recommend you workshop from Portland 2004. And if you would like to cry in less than 10min then try searching for "empathic connection Rosenberg daughter"
Alain de botton saying "Fuck off and die" got me
😂😂😂😂😂😂 i wasnt ready lmao
😂😂😂
Too funny!!!
It was the first time ever I heard of a censor BLEEP in a SOL vid. Was flabbergasted😂😂😂
I think he enjoyed that one a bit😂😂
I know it might sounds obvious, but all these things he said are 100% valid with friends, family, whatever kind of relationship you have. I recently started behaving in this way and I reckon it changed incredibly the way I live bonds with people, truly.
May I ask how it impacted your life? I've always struggled in relationships with people and friends, and I thought I've tried communicating better? But I really suck in communicating as someone who never knows what to say, or how to relate to others
@@Andrea-fz3pm I'd say it changed the way I express my needs to people, for example when something was wrong with somebody, I used to sulk in silence expecting the other person to magically understand what was the problem: now I just tell it, of course politely and trying to understand the perspective of the other person, and most of the times I can say it works. Ultimately I'd say it changed my view about conflict, before I used to see it as something inevitabily violent, now as an opportunity of frank confront
*and how we talk to ourselves🙏 agreed
@@Andrea-fz3pmpeace be with you 💐💐 I am sort of the same. But that’s exactly what I try communicating to them. I TELL them that I suck at communicating and that it’s difficult for me. And if I really can’t bring myself to do it, I do it over a detailed text, or a detailed letter. Be open and try to help them understand your perspective. I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any more questions!!
Ever notice that the moment you are honest, and talk openly to anyone, it is noticed immediately, because it is the exception. I pick it up with friends who are always happy, they just speak the truth. It is contagious when we all do it. it is beautiful
“Honest, Kind, & Polite” 😊
So much in that. Very lovely
Yess I like a quote that says “…possess a pure, kind and radiant heart…” I think these are 3 beautiful keywords too 🥹
@@rafaelanisshaikhzadeh3912 🧡
I rmb a talk whereby a teacher taught his students to think 3 questions - ‘Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?’ before saying something. I think that’s really wise.
The problem is that a lot of us don't know how we are feeling. Feelings have been pushed down or away for so long that even the individuals themselves are only aware of the irritation they feel rather than beung conscious of the root of the irritation. For example "I'm annoyed that you are spending time with friends" is surface level. It takes a lot of unpacking to be able to realise the root is actually fear of abandonment or rejection
Hit the nail on the head
Maybe get a feeling chart. It’s really interesting to look at.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn. Just try to stop being violent with your language and be honest. Start off easy like for example “It’s hard for me to understand my emotions but I’m not mad at you or hateful towards you, so I’m sorry if this comes off bad but I just feel really upset because I always do the dishes and it feels unfair”
I believe that, before you say anything at all, one should undergo introspection to determine whether or not communication is warranted. Just because you might feel insecure or hurt, for example, does not mean you should necessarily notify your partner, colleague or loved one. Personal growth is to come to terms with your own feelings and determine whether or not these feelings are justified. If justified, one can then communicate these feelings in a healthy manner.
Well said. It's a hard point to discuss, because: It's not good to avoid/hide from your feelings. And keeping secrets is often a form of avoidance. But sometimes, chronic expression of your thoughts is a form of avoidance -- avoiding sitting still with your feelings, hearing them, before turning them into a talking point or seeking external emotional regulation.
In short, you don't have to be afraid to feel your feelings, even fear. And sometimes you'll find they're worth communicating.
This
@@GSPV33very well put!
Absolutely THIS. My ex became really insecure at some point and anything he felt he would want to argue, and many times the same kind of thing repeatedly without ever thinking and introspecting about it first, or ever. I can't express how draining and abusive it became to the point of, dunno, arguing everyday because of this? I can't remember, probably shut down memories of him unconsciously and everything is quite blurred lol
Very well said comment!! You are absolutely correct
THIS. This is what I mean by communication is key. Every one of my exes agreed that communication is important without actually knowing how to communicate in a healthy way. I'm so tired of being the only one in a relationship that tries sooooo hard to communicate in a respectful, kind, and non-assuming/non-accusing way.
I sometimes don’t even want to communicate anymore and stop wasting my time. Even when I say that they can say everything that they think and I won’t get upset (actually not getting upset), they still won’t tell me what they feel. Or they agree upon a problem and then keep repeating it anyways. It’s hard to be nice and honest for me, really. If im being honest people get upset about it no matter the delivery. When im being kind and patient with people, they distance themselves from me. When I treat people nonchalantly and not being interested in them, they’re suddenly all over me. It’s like people don’t want to be loved nowadays and only want fake relationships. Im in my early twenties and struggle with people, contrary to my teen days when I was thriving. Every girl I meet uses me for their s*xual desires and people I meet suddenly get jealous of everything and treat me as a rival. Sometimes, soltitude is killing me from the inside knowing my efforts will never be mirrored in the slightest.
Relatable sis. Truly 🤦🏽♀️
Hi Olive, or hi anyone seen this. I've heard people say this a lot and a thought crossed my mind. Maybe people need to be taught how to communicate, I read books on communication however until I saw Marshall Rosenberg Non-violent Communication videos and his book I never really understood how we also influence(trigger) how people communicate. It's one thing to know, it's another to practice. The thought was: Forming a practice group or having communication partners can help people understand better and hopefully process how they feel then communicate how they feel.
Another good one by Ramit, He has a podcast on teaching couples on Financial Literary. Listening to people speak about their feelings can give more details to understanding yours. The channel is, "I will teach you to be rich"
So true, they never communicate and don't even care about communicating once they get a tiny bit hurt by you
But every once in a while they go "'communication is important", so why not communicate then ?
This advice is delightful, WITH the caveat that the other person is at least willing to try to also communicate in a nonviolent way. Otherwise, you have an emotionally unavailable dynamic that is not going to change.
And in the case that you described, there's value in seeing the truth of that relationship dynamic. If two people do what the video suggests, mutual satisfaction is more likely than if one takes the video's advice. If one partner isn't similarly committed to mutuality, the value of trying is in confirming that the relationship itself isn't healthy, and that the other person isn't committed to changing that. So, the value -- painful though it may be -- is that one is likely better served ending the relationship.
this is what is going on right now with my relationship with my mother, she cannot avoid using violent or passive agressive responses and it is something i try to combat with my own honest communication. i hope i don't end up adapting that habit of hers, and that by recognising it now at 22 i can hopefully strive to keep it away from my own attributes and habits.
And committed to it 95+% of the time. Sure, grumpiness happens, and space/time is needed, but the agreement needs to be to use that space and time productively so when you come back together to communicate, it can be productive and healthy.
why even date someone if you can't even be emotionally vulnerable with them? what's the point? even like, your basic dudebros are more vulnerable with each other than that.
I unfortunately had to figure this out the bad way. My therapist and I worked hard on getting me to communicate my needs better, but my family never learnt to do that and so me communicating with honesty often led to fights. It's hard to keep communicating properly when everything around you seems to discourage it
"honest, kind and polite". Probably, one of the biggest life lessons that we need entirely throughout our life.
I am curious, what if a truth is not kind polite? What if we have a thought about our partner that is honest and genuine, but a difficult truth for them to hear? Should we always be in our truth, even if its detrimental to the relationship?
@@akalui007 I guess the difference would be in the way you present that truth to them. Instead of being agressive, yelling out the truth in an outburst, you should think carefully and lay it on them as gently as possible. You don't want to give them the impression that you hate them, but istead that you brought it up to them because you care about them and want both of you to be happy.
@@akalui007If it isn't detrimental enough to break the relationship with that person, whatever is bothering you is worth being spoken about.
@@Silly.Alienz8 but is it always worth expressing?
2:44 goes suddenly so hard, I was not prepared.
I almost spat out my tea
2:16 was certainly a lot more than I expected 🤣
A healthy relationship is made when both parties are willing to express themselves in an honest, kind and polite way. If only one is actively doing it, they will just be drained in the long run and will lead to a bitter ending.
A lot of people are not aware of their real feelings (or the cause of the feelings), they just feel angry or upset without analysing the motive behind it. What they say is related to the closest thing that bothers them, that is really only the trigger.
I once heard somewhere, be honest, but be tender in your honesty. It’s guided me well.
I am delighted to see that your editor has reintroduced a few seconds of silence before the video ends. All your videos make me think, and I find myself needing to take a moment to mull over what was said. Those few seconds give me an opportunity to press pause and reflect, instead of the playlist immediately moving on and I hear someone else banging on about something completely different.
This channel, along with therapy, has been so helpful in my healing journey.
I'm 33 years old now, and my personal 3 pillars for the past 5 years have been: honest, kind and compassionate. I literally GAGGED when the answer to the question: "If I were gonna try and be three things" came up! You're on it, as always, TSOL! (L)
I think for a lot of people, a big part of the problem is the older generation shaming us into silence until we snap because people under the age of 40-50 aren't allowed to think or feel.
For example, growing up, I was made to be the eternal villain in my life. If I asked someone to stop doing something that hurt me... it was like, how dare I, how dare I have the gall to not consider THEIR feelings, how dare I put my needs over their wants!? I was grounded, I was treated worse, and it was made abundantly clear that 1) I wasn't a person, I was property, and 2) Not saying anything at all was a defense mechanism best employed one hundred percent of the time.
Very recently, a friend of mine with severe auditory sensitivity (an unfortunate tendency to be overwhelmed by sound that I share and in fact experience even more acutely) asked our group if we could stop with something. I was thrilled that they spoke up and was excited to accomodate their request. Later that night, I spent time with a different friend who was screaming needlessly (they weren't even upset and just felt like screaming) and based on how my day had gone, I addressed my concerns. And I felt awful. Because how dare I, HOW DARE I express my wants and needs?
We need parents, teachers, and other such figures in the lives of our youth to treat the young like people and not property. Because communication is important, and a lack of it can quite literally tear our entire society apart. And they're making many, MANY of us feel like we're simply not ALLOWED to communicate. (Take the absurd phenomenon of age gating pain. I'm 34 with a chronic injury from 30 years ago. If I even shuffle uncomfortably because of my messed up back - which is so bad that I'm legally disabled, oh no how dare I, I'm under the age of 60 so I don't have pain receptors at all, and clearly I need to be beaten to a pulp to show me that I don't actually know what pain is! I HAVE NEVER MET SOMEONE OVER THE AGE OF SIXTY WHO DID NOT TAKE OFFENSE TO MY ABILITY TO FEEL PAIN. WHAT THE HELL!?)
And of course, I've tried to communicate how obscene this is. But this isn't even talking to a brick wall. A brick wall has the literal integrity to eventually crumble and give way.
seens like what you dealt with is the emerging tsunami wave of personality disorders that is intimately linked to modern developments in society. seens like you dealt with narcissistic (i hate using this word, but i mean it in the clinical term) and emotionally immature people.
I highly recommend you look up "Gabor Maté" any work from him or podcast will do. ❤
I can't believe with how many points i related with you.
I never managed to truly tell how I felt to a human being.
I only managed to do it with my cats, as funny as it sounds it was quite depressing. However, I recently got a boyfriend, and throughout the few months we've been together, I've managed to tell him more and more about my feelings, and now I am essentially able to easily discuss with him about things that bother me, the way i feel, etc...
I truly hope that everyone in this situation will find someone who can help them get past those stupid ideas we've been ingrained with.
There seems to be a general problem with Boomers/Gen Xers and i think it all goes back to how they were raised. I relate so much to your comment (I'm a millenial) because my father treated me like i was his property and i grew up behaving very robotic around him. I was never allowed to express any negative emotion whatsoever and certainly never allowed to voice any dissenting opinions (or voice absolutely anything really). I spent my childhood absolutely in fear and i wore a smile on my face to avoid getting beaten.
2:01 Basically "think before you speak".
Seems obvious, yet so many people open their mouths without a thought going through their heads
I struggle with this, in the heat of an argument or confrontation something just snaps in me, and I just start yelling and being very offensive.
@@ShinyJarachias long as you keep trying eventually you'll notice a positive difference but in the beginning it's often quite hard to see one so just keep trying, I believe in you!
Some people do think. They just don't think with the right perspective/objective in mind...
Just thought about how hurt they were, without getting to: while the hurt was valid, it may not have been rational, and so how can they express it in a kind way to their partner....
This was so good! And I learnt a lot at the same time.😊
How to re-phrase my initial emotional reaction;
how to re-phrase theirs, when they don't realise it might not have been honestly expressed.🙏❤
“To speak candidly, yet kindly, is as complicated as to play the violin, and perhaps a good deal more useful and beautiful.”
Perfect! ❤
Communication also only works if the other person actually listens and comprehends. You can be the best communicator in the world and would still be meaningless if your words go into one ear and out the other of the person you're trying to communicate with. My ex was a dismissive avoidant, so even though I very thoroughly communicated with him in a nonviolent way, no insults, just straight to the point + reassurance, it was to no avail. No matter how much I tried, he either wont listen, or listens but doesnt care or act, or throws a "sorry" and repeat anytime you bring the problems up again. He even made it look like IM the problem. "My day is ruined because of you" "thanks now i feel like shit" "Can you not ruin my night for one second?" "why do you always have to do this?"...
The biggest frustrations of my past relationships have been from my partner either not communicating what they're thinking or feeling, or communicating something they later reveal wasn't true.
I can't do better if you lie about what hurts you.
I can't do better if you won't tell me what's wrong.
This advice is great, but only if both people can respectfully handle each others' vulnerability. There are people who will turn it against you. If you are with such a person, you may need to break it off, because that person doesn't have empathy and compassion. A person like that is not usually motivated by those traits.
might be in that boat. any advice?
WOW *pause at key moments and ask, ‘if i were to be 3 things-honest, kind and polite- what would i say now?’* I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT 🙏🏽
I listened to this yesterday and went home and really applied everything I learnt here. It really really really helped.
I clicked on this video expecting to hear just some person talking about what they think would've fixed their last relationship while calling it the fix-all. However, I was greeted with an idea I knew to be true yet I never saw represented. I think everyone could benefit from watching this video, even if they are in a happy relationship or miserably alone; clear and honest communication about anything, especially oneself, is key in nearly every scenario.
Worst situation is when you're with not mature enough partner so even your kind attempt to communicate for example "I'm tired and angry so can you leave me alone for a moment so I can calm down and rest?" isn't met with understanding but with "Oh, so you don't love me?" or worst "Is it because of me?"
True, that would make it more difficult to practice. I wish you luck and perhaps in time your partner can following your example and improve in time
@@ccederlo thank you
At the end of the day, acting in a kind way is still acting. So it is important to also be kind enough to yourself to admit it is a skill set that you can, and will, hone over time; and that acting kindly, even if it is not completely honest, is much better than the alternative. The point of communication with others is not to be understood, it is making yourself the least likely to be misunderstood.
As an avoidant type person, this is definitely a skill I need to focus on and practice.
I appreciate all the examples
For anyone who has been trying to express themselves in this "better" way mentioned, but the other person in the relationship still seems to take it negatively or avoid communication all together, please, and I repeat, please don't blame yourself. Speaking from personal experience, even if you have all the best intentions, some people sadly won't understand it or outright refuse to understand it, no matter how you twist or turn it. Believe me, it hurts to be in such situation, but it's valid to feel that way. For me, it was a rough time, and even to this day I can feel the aftermath, but never forget that you've done your best with what you knew. ❤
Only works if the other person is also as open about their real feelings. I’ve tried being extremely vulnerable to my partner and shared how my insecurity might stem from my fear of abandonment but I got no response just “you have no reason to feel insecure” - a very “just don’t be depressed bro” kinda statement.
same here, their reply usually is "idk what to do abt that and u have no reason to be insecure"
my last relationship that lasts 7 years ended like this. I gave her many many chances to explain herself what she actually mean.
sometimes i relent, be soft, and ask her directly. but i was still met with violent insults.
thats when i decided i don't care anymore and left her.
As a man, what advice would you give in how to say what you feel when something bothers you? But as the woman.
@@sapphire1817 advice in the video is more than adequate
I do not know if you’re familiar with nonviolent communication, but if you ever find yourself in a situation like this again, it may help.
@@kalyanm6493 Well thank you for your input, but kindly understand I'm asking because I'd like to know. If you or any other man wants to answer please do share because it's always better from the horses mouth. Thank you.
@@sapphire1817honesty, vulnerability. if you have the courage to expose yourself, to really say what is hurting you, if the other person is emotionally mature enough to do the same, anything can be resolved. also, we hate nagging, and constant criticizing / blaming and accusing. we have a lower tolerance to smaller stresses compared to women. instead, saying "can we please talk? i love you" definitely makes mine and many other men's hearts instantly melt and open up. what man value the most is loyalty, with beauty as a close second. if you want to make your man happy, dress nice, show him you are loyal, idk, cook something if you can. he will be very happy, if he is worth your time at all. try not to demand things. most men are affection starved, we like long hugs and things whispered in our ears, too.
even as a kid, I would always tell my mom calmly that her ignoring about what i have to say about food she cooks is hurting me, but she is narcissist so she never cared enough
She would start cussing at me, in turn i would again ask her what words of mine is making her mad and cuss when she can simply tell me where am i wrong so that i understand if i am wrong, she would cuss even more
And the more i grew up, the more i saw that very less people are willing to communicate their thoughts as well as hear what others have to say
This is so so easy to me, that when people don't hear well and communicate their words as well, i get so frustrated and heartbroken
Getting angry and cussing is definitely tougher than simply communicating but somehow people chose the former
I can definitely empathise with your situation, and you're doing the right thing - once you find enough people who are receptive to your way of interacting with others, life will get a lot easier, trust me.
Communication is EVERYTHING
first i wanted to say "these are quite far fetched" but then applying some of these to previous situations got me thinking and actually noticing that i could've been less harsh with my words. thanks for being a reminder
I had a fight with my wife a couple days ago.. thanks, this video was what I needed at this time.
I read his excellent book and did some research into improving my emotional well being and intelligence. I vividly remember doing something completely vulnerable and foreign to me, I expressed candid vulnerability. I messaged her..
"Hey I know you've been busy, but I've really missed your attention and would like some reassurance." I got a call from her telling me she lost all feelings for me, and she broke up with me the next time I went to see her.
It's so hard to remain optimistic when you finally decide to take a risk by getting your hopes up, and be vulnerable and you get absolutely crushed.
This is amazing advice. The part I fear the most is will my partner have the emotional maturity, respect for my vulnerability and ability to create a safe environment for that kind of expression from me. If not, it causes me to clam up and resort to A responses, when deep down, I want to feel safe enough to express more B responses. I have tried...and I've seen what an unsafe environment can do to me. It can be damaging to mental and emotional health.
To add to this video, be wise and observant of the partner you choose to practice B responses with. Not everyone will create the healthy environment that promotes and protects B responses.
This is why I, as an autistic person, prefer to date/befriend/surround myself with fellow autistic people.
You see, people always say autistic people are bad at communicating. But really we simply communicate differently. We are way more honest. We don't like those silly social rules of not being allowed to speak your mind. The most wonderful communication I've had was with autistic people, it was very honest, open and clear. I do wish everyone will get to experience that kind of genuine communication some day... 💕
Also the swearing cracked me tf up :'))
It takes an incredible amount of self awareness that lots of people don't have unfortunately
this logical way of redirecting the words will help me so much. I will write down first and then revise.
During my last « relationship » I noticed my anxiety flaring up and I’ve never felt it so strongly. I tried keeping it to myself, tried to work on my mindset. I paid attention to my behaviour and worked on rewording my anxious thoughts and communicating them in an open, honest and kind way. Moral of the story; single.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made mistakes along the way, just wasn’t expecting things to go south so quickly.
I absolutely love this, explaining in the simplest ways the hardest questions and situations a relationship can encounter.
this has to be one of the most powerful videos this channel has ever released. I also loved the "now you try it" part❤ More videos like this one, please!
Thank you, this came right at the perfect moment.
I have found that being honest and vulnerable in relationships puts me at a disadvantage in a world where it feels like nobody else is. It feels like putting my cards on the table in a poker game.
Honesty and open communication are vital for building trust and intimacy in a relationship. Being truthful and transparent with your partner helps create a strong foundation. However, honesty should be balanced with tact and kindness. Bluntly voicing every critical thought may do more harm than good. Effective honesty involves communicating with care and consideration.The healthiest relationships tend to have a combination of honesty, compassion, and a shared commitment to the relationship. The key is to find a balance of openness, empathy, and commitment that works for both partners.👋❤
So beautifully said. Unfortunately it's harder to do in practice because of one's subjective triggers and unresolved childhood wounds. The key is to do the inner work to heal oneself, to become aware of such wounds and endeavor to overcome them through therapy and/or other means, with compassion and self acceptance. Doing so would allow one to access healthier approaches -- like the one you so eloquently describe--when responding to conflict inevitable in all relationships. 😌💜
3:10 This part reminds me of the THINK acronym,
Is it?:
T-rue
H-elpful
I-mportant
N-ecessary
K-ind
Isn’t this the essence of NVC? That practice opens hearts 💕
This is all surely true, but one must not expect such clear and direct communication from others and act like they speak this way. To try to listen and understand what is behind all those rude and/or evasive speech is perhaps even more important than to correctly express ourselves.
Relationships are so hard! I love the realistic examples you gave in your video...
“to speak candidly yet kindly is as complicated as playing the violin, and perhaps a good deal more useful and beautiful”
Learning to play the Violin opened to me a lifelong world of friendships, travel and employment, and continuing education in many areas, don't dismiss Music so smugly.
find Partner from Dreams by Bruce Thornwood (thank me later)
My #1 in relationships, any relationships, is TRUST
Trust the person
If it's mutual, the relationships will work
I have no idea what aspects of honesty changes with autism, but me and my boyfriend (both of us being on the spectrum) have a hard time understanding how many people overlook this basic aspect of a relationship. Being honest, without sarcasm or violence, has always been our most important rule between ourselves. Of course sometimes with joke around with sarcasm, but when we discuss about serious topics, or just show our love to eachother, we'd never even think of being this aggressive towards eachother, or blaming one another for something that comes from within ourselves. This video was highly educative, and I'm glad to have stumbled upon it, even if its 5 A.M. and I should most definitely be asleep lol.
Being honest can make you sound silly, because most people operate their daily lives by levels of sarcasm and unclear statements. But it also feels like finding a secret key to the great people you'll meet in life and difficult situations. I try to always be honest when it's possible, because true information is something both you and any of your companions can depend on.
One of the best things I have seen in the last few years
Assertive Communication is the most useful skill we can aquire in life.
this is so GOOOD!!! youre healing a generation
I think this video just saved my relationship
I think everyone should enroll in the school of life ! Best teachers ever
Wow, great advice. I think what you are suggesting is that the person expressing their feelings, the speaker can use more polite and kind ways to express their feelings but instead, they express it in the form of rage, but in the listener's side as well, I think some people can or are expected to understand the hidden meaning in their angry tone and respond affectionately than arguing back. This expectation is a problem. Some people can't understand this. Mothers can. For example, she knows exactly what the baby is crying for whether it is for food, water, diaper, or attention, while the dad might just hear a loud cry, that is, just noise and no information. So understanding each other's capacity is important to express kindly or to understand the deeper meaning and respond kindly, and the limitations, of what one can and cannot understand and thereby adjusting to them accordingly.
This made me giggle and feel inspired at the same time. Love it!
It's common sense to be clear in communication with your near and dear ones. I always tell my wife that we should communicate even when we have a fight. I have seen better outcomes when there's communication as compared to when there's anger induced silence 😊
I started thinking this way in hs after I learned more about my religion and wanted to change and become like the prophets I learned about. The best way to get into this mentality is to be honest with yourself first. We often delude ourselves so we can feel better, feel like we weren’t wrong in the situation and that we are never to blame.
It’s a lot healthier to tell yourself “yeah, my ego got the best of me and she/he was right all along” or “you’re too defensive and you need to work on that. What others think of you will never impact you because they’re also lying to themselves like you are” or “you’re socially awkward, but so are millions of people and it’s really not as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be.”
things like that made me less afraid to be honest to myself and then in turn makes me a lot more honest to those around me.
I don’t understand why so many people struggle to say what they really mean. I manage it. But kudos to School of Life for at least telling the perpetrator of bad behaviour what to do for a change, as opposed to telling the victim to be more tolerant.
Metal wrote, _"I don't understand why so many people struggle to say what they really mean. I manage it."_
Using our experience as a metric may seem simple enough but it's not. Complex systems contain many variables. No human being is able to account for all of them. So, from the start, we see that just because we manage to do a good or sensible thing, that doesn't necessarily imply that others can, too.
I excel at critical thinking. Most people I've had occasion to interact with do not. Perhaps they aren't cognitively able. Or, perhaps they are able but for any number of reasons, they cannot bring themselves to apply this ability. Whatever their reasons, there's no real utility to me contrasting my ability with others apparent inability, and then simply saying that 'I don't understand why so many people struggle to' think correctly.
Such an understanding would need to be evaluated on a case by case basis. Even then, we need to recognize that apart from objectively measurable criteria, much of what we may have to consider is simply the other person's 'story' about themselves, their experience, etc. Not that I think everyone is dishonest in their story-telling, rather, most people seem to be painfully unaware of what truly makes them think or feel or speak or behave as they do. Again, they all have stories, but the challenge is in trying to distinguish between stories that are true and ought to be taken at face value, and stories that are only partially true (or even entirely untrue) but are believed by the one telling the story.
It is a near impossible aim, but it's worth aiming at nonetheless.
Soft sciences can give us an overview of patterns, but still, these are *descriptive* rather than *prescriptive.* 'What most people do' and 'why most people do that' say nothing specifically about why you or I may do, and why we may do it. So again, we're back to case by case analysis, and even then, again, we're never entirely sure that what someone else tells us is the reason why they do this or say that... is actually the case. Anyway, just thought I'd share some of my thoughts in the hope that you may find some of it useful. Cheers!
@@RichardHarlos your reply is extremely arrogant and patronising. Can you not see that?
@@MetalCooking666 wrote, _"your reply is extremely arrogant and patronising."_
Yes, of course. Nothing says 'extremely arrogant and patronising' like *"Anyway, just thought I'd share some of my thoughts in the hope that you may find some of it useful. Cheers!"*
Has it occurred to you that you've taken offense to what is nothing more than me elaborating my thoughts in reply to something you wrote? I made it clear that i was sharing my thoughts in case it may be helpful.
Nowhere did I write anything that, considered in context, could be argued to be either arrogant or patronizing. So, the bottom line here is that you took offense where none was given, and then you made accusations of outward transgression based on your inner experience. In psychology, this is known as 'projection'.
In contrast, consider the principle of charitable interpretation:
"The principle of charity is a philosophical principle that denotes that, when interpreting someone’s statement, you should assume that the best possible interpretation of that statement is the one that the speaker meant to convey. Accordingly, to implement the principle of charity, you should not attribute falsehoods, logical fallacies, or irrationality to people’s argument, when there is a plausible, rational alternative available.
"For example, based on the principle of charity, if someone presents you with an argument that can be interpreted in two possible ways, one of which is logically sound and the other of which is fallacious, you should assume that the logically sound interpretation is the one that they meant to convey, as long as it’s reasonable to do so."
If you're looking for a fight, you'll need to look to someone else for that hit of dopamine. But, if you're looking for a conversation that aims at mutual understanding, for mutual benefit, hit me up.
Imo, long responsd is hard, and may require repeat, that is if the other party arent attentive. The "Fuck off and die" part was more concise and straight to the point, albeit ruder..
I feel like as kids we experienced that being honest could lead to disapproval and dismissal. And so we shut down ourselves and put a mask on and this has followed everyone into adulthood :( oh how i grieve for all our inner child, may we be the parent we never had and become ourselves again❤
Communication is an art form. Classes should be taken by all
Why can't we more often say what we mean?
I think it largely because we ourselves don't know what we are feeling, or don't know how to explain to ourselves, much less to our spouse. Self reflection, and practicing putting my thoughts into words via a diary really helped me better understand my needs and communicate it better to my husband as well.
Speaking is one part of conversation....listening is the other half .... Whatever we say now it's equally important how it's heard on the other side for often ears are conditioned to react according to their conditioning and not to what's been said
A lot of this is tied to humility. Ignoring our own part in the healthy of the relationship is a sure way to build up resentment and disdain when the other person is doing something we don't like.
Thank you nice British man for using your soothing voice for a good cause
"Why didn't you tidy the kitchen?" was the most relatable example. A lot of people talk like that without understanding why it puts their partner on defense, whereas the others are pretty overt verbal abuse.
Ha, CBT therapy taught me this as did my ex, who had very high emotional intelligence, combined with actual training.
The ‘I feel’ statements.
And still, it was a breakdown in communication in the little things that unwind us. But we both were strong enough communication wise to accept to end it amicably.
I will forever be grateful to her for teaching and aiding me with this.
I guess knowing how to communicate calmly and truthfully is a key skill many miss and it causes conflict. My family say I’m the best at conflict resolution.
The first thing many don’t do, is hear out the other person with space, even if you strongly disagree with their stance.
"To speak candidly yet kindly"
You do this kind of communication not just to get a particular response. You do it bc it is in line with your values, how YOU want to treat people, who YOU want to be. That’s all you can control anyway. And then MAYBE it will influence another. “Be the change in the world you want to see” -Ghandi…Remember?
I think the problem isn't miscommunication with our partners, it's miscommunication with our own selves. I really struggled to understand what was going on inside of me, to even begin to explain to him what I needed. Only now that we're not together, the picture is getting clearer. It's beautiful how some people play such important and yet such temporary roles in our lives. If I ever see you again, I am going to be really scornful with you, but what I really mean sweetie is that I am grateful that I had that experience with you.
Oh dear God - I love this - I NEED this. Sharing on FB and saving this video to watch and re-watch...
I'm incredibly grateful for these and this page. I'm hoping to be a better person through learning and practicing.
I really like this video. Honest, transparent communications would be a game-changer. Personally, I need - and want - to improve myself in this way. Thank you! 🙂
Paul 😎
The fastest way to a point is a straight line
Unless you can bend space, like with a warp drive, or if you travel through a wormhole 😃
sometimes we should take our time about things rather than rushing it
@@cherrypie9390 I like the way you made your point about that. Made with haste
"I'm being cruel because I don't know of how else to express my hurt". Damn.
Another perfect gift. Thank you so much.
the illustration is so comforting D:
Eureka!! It is possible to express honesty, respectfully...
Such a powerful and amazing message! "Fuck off and die" killed me btw! It's really interesting because this is one of the main lessons i've learned from my past relationship recently. As much as it pains me, I feel like a new man who's much more honest with himself as well as the people close to him. Honesty is perhaps the single most important thing in relationships just like it was mentioned in the video
1:30 That made me do a small chortle. I actually play the violin and wonder quite what the point of that is 🤣
These advice work only if your partner is mentally healthy in general and only have some acquired bad communication habits that he or she is willing to work through (same as you are trying to do). Although, the reality is often more cruel. There are many people with narcissistic personalities and a bouquet of different psychological conditions. Being kind can all the time can turn one into a victim in a relationship. It’s important to see if your open heart meets another open heart. If not, sometimes it’s better to step back and look for an escape instead of trying to find a key to a lock which has no keyhole whatsoever.
The rule: expressing our true feelings honestly and kindly
Amazing ! I recently had a similar situation with my partner who has an assignment in S. America. I had to travel for work with colleagues from my home in LA to D.C. Some of the communication was unexpected and irrational. Once the temperature was turned down it gave space for the underlying issues... hopefully that process will accelerate with practice!
Problem with this is that some people cannot handle honesty. They are so stuck in their own trauma they don’t care to grow and change.
I get this video after saying something i regret in an unpleasant way, and now we're both feeling distanced and rough. Algorithm either wants to help me or mock me.
Beautifully explained! ❤
One of your most important videos! 🥰
Truth = Vulnerability. While being able to explain and interpret things properly is important, trust is the underlying key.
hey one of the rare occasions where i'm glad that im autistic and naturally communicate very clearly and tend to overexplain things to avoid unnecessary conflict💅
"Communication is a good way to handle the problems, but so is being silent when needed"