I love the quote: “and i said to my body. softly. ‘i want to be your friend.’ it took a long breath. and replied ‘i have been waiting my whole life for this.” Nayyirah Waheed
ugh my parents were so horrible to me about my weight and appearance growing up. I remember when I struggled with chronic acne for a few years as a teen my mother would tell me that she was "embarrassed to be seen with me" when I would leave the house without makeup on. She still frequently talks about how I was such a beautiful child when "she was in control of me" and how she can't stand how I look now...yikes! After struggling with an eating disorder for years, I never could have imagined that I would be at such a wonderful place in my life. I am filled with so much gratitude and peace surrounding my body, and I feel incredibly beautiful despite the fact that this is probably my heaviest weight. I kinda always thought people who really experienced "body peace/positivity" were literally lying lmaooooo. But wow! It's real, y'all!
@@BellaOConnor-m3t gosh that is so horrible, I’m really sorry that happened to you. My partner had acne when I met him and still has it now and even if it that never changes I think he’s just as beautiful. I’m glad to hear you’re in such a good place now. Happy for you, you deserve it!
wow. i can feel the searing pain of that just reading this reflection. it is shocking what even the most loving parents can say to us sometimes. im sorry you had to hear that. it means a lot that you shared it here, i think a lot of people can relate. and the way you articulated it was very powerful. would love to give you a big hug
A small detail, but facing forward and making eye-contact provided some grounding for these heavy topics. Thanks for going back to this format this week (tho I love the junior high late-night-telephone vibes of the last few eps!)
i'm so glad! this was Jess's idea - to return to the face forward position when we do the For You episodes, and to keep the laying down for our chatty eps. i think it was a great idea and im so glad you felt the effects
When I was younger, I was overweight and hated looking in the mirror. Even though I knew I wasn't healthy, my family never said anything about it. In my late teens and early twenties, I worked hard to lose the extra weight and finally felt good about myself. That’s when my family started saying things like, "eat a cheeseburger," hinting that I was too skinny. It blew my mind that they only spoke up when I was healthy, but stayed quiet when I was unhealthy. This taught me that family opinions aren't always the best to listen to. What really matters is how you feel about yourself. It's all about your own health and happiness, not what others think.
Having a daughter has changed my perspective. The way as a mother I view her body with so much love, care, and adoration makes me wish I could view my own self that way.
Yes to never commenting on bodies. My weight fluctuates a lot and frequently, and when I'm lighter I hear a lot of 'you look great'! It always makes me feel bad, because all I hear is that they're keeping tabs on my weight changes. They notice when I lose it, and so they must notice when I gain it - but they sure aren't telling me I look great when I'm heavier. And that tells me everything I need to know about what they think about my body as it inevitably changes, and how they think I should feel about my body as it changes. Super harmful, even if it's meant to be complimentary.
I had a very basic anatomy class in the first year of university with the unexpected result of starting to admire my body. It’s fascinating how much is going on every minute without us even knowing. It’s crazy how much we are focused on how our body looks. Learning about how it works really opened my eyes to the fact that there’s much more to it. Our body is an incredibly complex system that is working for us every minute. We are capable of doing everything we do because we have it. I think it’s something that we can appreciate and be grateful for. For me this realization made a huge difference in my relationship with body.
I’m so glad you two covered the impact of chronic illness on body image! It’s something that my own journey evolved into during 2020 and has felt even more isolating because of the time period it started. I went from being the strongest I’ve ever been in the gym to losing all the muscle mass I worked so hard for, and also losing a sense of control and a sense of self. It’s difficult to adapt to the wildly different stages your body exists in (living in it), let alone having to deal with outside judgments on top of that. Sending hugs to everyone!
Oh I totally relate to Jess' "future body" thoughts. I've always, since I was a literal child, thought that way. I'm in a better place now but I still catch myself thinking "I can't spend money on high quality clothes because they won't fit when I lose weight".
1:19:17 Haha Jess! I am literally getting ready to share this with my Body Liberation Playground Circle! Because it felt so good, and we talked today about how good it feels to just know that someone has shared experience and you're not alone!
I find it really helpful when the both of you talk about body image because I have a long history of eating disorders and I'm in a bigger body now, and I feel like both of you understand on a personal level both of those aspects. Really great discussion!
The topic is so important to me that after listening to you guys I just have the urge to start my own podcast only to continue the conversation I had with you. So yes, another episode on this would be much appreciated. Love to all the köks ❤
It feels really validating that Jess is also Lebanese and has had some of the same experiences regarding family and weight that I have. Thank you both for covering such an important topic that men and women can relate to
Aw Caroline I feel bad because I made the comment about you looking down on your phone and texting and you mentioned it twice I think. I just want to apologize if that made you feel self-conscious. I love the cozy, friends chatting vibe and this conversation is so vulnerable and really comforting. So, I didn't intend to be rude but I realize it's important to be more mindful even with comments because yeah you guys are really human beings and putting yourself out there. So nothing but love from this end.
oh there's no need to apologize for anything. If you were thinking it, then it's safe to think other people were. so it actually was helpful to know that an explanation might be helpful!
@@Not4EveryonePod aww thank you. It's great you support freedom of expression. I just know some people can be cruel and want to make sure you know there's nothing but love here.
I was too late to contribute my thoughts but I’ll put them here to see if anyone relates. I’ve really struggled with my body all my life in terms of being extremely skinny…but I’m 25 now and even though I love food and feel like I eat normal portion sizes I’m still the same. People tell me it’s just my natural body type as I still look healthy and my bones don’t protrude. Although I recognise how it’s a privilege to be complaining I’m too thin rather than too big…it’s created a new kind of mental struggle where I feel like it’s not really talked about or represented in terms of feeling insecure about having zero curves and feeling like a child. I’ve had comments where I’m described as not womanly or pretty but not sexy…it makes me feel like I don’t qualify for being a woman because I’m living in a child’s body.
All my life I’ve been called all kinds of bad names because I was always skinny and yet I always saw myself as overweight, what a sad and weird way to live…I still struggle with this at age 55 and I’m glad the young generation is more mature and gentle with body image.
@@allieshepherd1144 that’s a really difficult battle to have for so long, I’m really sorry. I think the younger generation are definitely trying to be more gentle but there’s the added struggle now of exposure to so many people online and the constant comparison, not to mention all the surgeries and edits on photos exaggerating the beauty standard goal. If we spend more time appreciating the diversity we see outside every day we’ll realise how much more beautiful it is that we’re all unique, and that this whole goal of same face, same body etc. is incredibly dull.
I’m old enough to be your mother, but I believe body image has always been an issue across generations, especially for women. The difference today is that more people openly discuss it. When I was young and living in London, I wanted to be a skinny British girl like Kate Moss, despite being Asian.😂 This made me feel less about myself. As I grew older, I overcame these feelings. However, now I face a new challenge: aging!
this was an important topic and I'd like to contribute my own experience, in case someone relates. I've been thin my whole childhood and early adulthood and I always felt lucky that I didn't have the same worries my friends and family had about their bodies. with the exception of my small boobs, I was relatively well proportioned and had no major complex. I also kept receiving comments from people that they envy my body and my lack of worry around it, so I always took a weird pride about being the girl that didn't have to even think about dieting or adjacent topics. turns out, I was just majorly stressed with worries, responsibilities and doing a lot of things at once and not feeding myself properly, for basically the entire first quarter of my life. after I reached 27 y.o. my life became more settled, I didn't need to run around all day due to my work and studies and could actually take time to eat and relax. sure, I became a bit more sedentary as well, but a lot of things improved, including my anxiety levels (I think we, as women, need some fat to regulate our hormones). but of course I started gaining weight and all of a sudden my clothes didn't fit me right, I couldn't buy the smallest size in everything as a default and people noticed the changes in my body, with some even commenting. then I started to have body issues, bc of course I internalized all those comments during my youth - I was enviable then, which means when I started to gain more weight, that was a bad thing automatically. nevermind that my current body still looks pretty damn amazing and is healthy and serving me well. I attached myself to the thin and carefree-about-my-weight version of my earlier years, and once that started changing, I started to crash. I guess I have to be grateful that I'm navigating this new reality as an adult, with all the knowledge and insight that we have about accepting ourselves, but I don't know that I can truly overcome this hurdle even in these conditions. the messaging that skinny is best is deeply embedded in the fabric of our current society and it's only just now started to work its negativity in my life as well. my heart goes out to all of us, especially women.
What an important episode. I really feel how it helps with my healing also because I was trying on outfits for the festival I go to tomorrow feeling self concious because I gained weight recently. Thank you so much.🙏🏼 The quote at the end actually made me cry.🫶🏼
just sitting here sobbing - thank you for talking about this. struggling my whole life with body image and food issues has led to a completely wrecked mental state about both body and food and i'm so grateful for others for sharing their experiences to show we aren't alone.
What a wonderful episode! So relevant We need to remember to take care of ourselves as if our bodies were our child or a little sister or the best friend. Like someone we truly love and care for. This way, we'll feed our bodies well and every once in a while will "spoil" our loved one with pizza and ice cream and candy and pastries if that's what makes us happy or if it connects us with people we love. Same concept works for protecting self from "well-meaning" others commenting or giving advice. Treat it like someone is trying to tell you how to bring up your child. You will either tell them off or distance self from the toxicity. If you hear some useful input, you'll consider it, but usually people search for such advise, not hear it on a street from a random person We need to remember that our bodies are our besties even if they are not perfect by everybody else's standards. Very good episode! Thank you guys!
Loved this episode and found so many of the tips helpful. I wanted to add another perspective too. this is something that I struggle with that’s why thought it’s important to add. Even though I love talk about placing boundries with close ones and even acquaintances… yes it’s good to try and mitigate it when necessary but what about just sitting with the bad feeling it’s giving? Sitting with how that comment on your weight made you feel and then show compassion for it internally and build resilience. I’ve been listening to “radical acceptance” lately after Caroline recommended it and it’s been so helpful… it’s exactly what I struggle with and honestly needed to listen to. It’s exhausting trying to correct people all the time and it can cause younger generations to be less resilient maybe? If everyone is politically correct all the time we become more touchy and less able to deal with the negative emotions it brings…
This episode was needed, I’ve been really down about my body lately and even though I already have learned these things, the lessons can be hard to internalize when you’re in the thick of feeling down. Hearing it from women who I look up to was definitely helpful :)
Thank you so much for this episode ! I’ve never felt more seen. For as crazy as the world seems lately I’m so appreciative that young woman and older ones like me get to be around at a time that this conversation is happening. One where we get to dissect and discard the shame that has plagued women and their bodies.
This is so helpful. Please do more of such body talks 🙏🏻 I kinda feel that I need this on regular basis to help me with spiraling about my body. Love you girls ❤
As a teen I had this experience that really helped me start a mindset change. I had a mole on my toe that bothered me so much, I was always so self conscious of wearing open toe shoes. Then a random person once said my mole was so cool. Until that moment, it had never occurred to me that I could look at that as any way but negative and that I had a choice. I don’t even think about it anymore now. It is a small example, but the ability to do that shift has been so helpful. I recently had children so that is an absolute major body milestone that comes with a lot of permanent changes that I am still trying to learn to cope with so it is definitely a journey and life will keep throwing them at you as the aging process starts getting into full swing.
Please do another, this was such a helpful episode. I really liked the insight Caroline shared about food and money, I have never noticed until now but it’s so true, I tend to have the same habits and behaviors with food as I do with money. Also, the ending quote 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Definitely loved this episode and hope for some more in the future ❤ One of the reasons I love your podcast so much is episodes like this one, where you focus on things that we're all struggling with. You've helped me so much in the last year and I'm super grateful for having found this podcast. Best scientists ever!! Also, please do a parents episode (not going into detail with this request, you already know what I mean)
How are you both so gorgeous inside and out? Is it because y'all love and respect and trust yourselves? I think there's a lesson in that for all of us!
I didn't get to my healthiest weight that I've ever been until I was in my mid-twenties, and although it very much was a vanity boost in so many ways, I genuinely felt so much healthier and energetic because of it too. Now, I was also living in a different country and only working about 12 hours a week in person, 15 hours online, and the work-life balance of living in such a walkable and beautiful place, with a lot more healthy food that was genuinely delicious than my comfort US foods, definitely factored into why I was so healthy and able to exercise more... But it was really hard when I came back to America during the pandemic and gained about 40 lb because I felt like I couldn't talk about the change. No one else mentioned it. No one commented on it... Which is really good, but also led me to worry it was exclusively in my head and exclusively a vanity thing. Then when I finally stepped on a scale, it was just about the vanity of that. I finally had proof that something was different, but I didn't have the support I needed to change it, so emotional eating reigned. Years later, I still haven't regained that since of health and energy, but looking at old photos just makes me remember that things WERE better then. They frustrate me too because I could accept never being a 16-year-old again, but I don't want my 16-year-old body. It wasn't healthy. I want my 25-year-old body, and that feels like something I should still be able to get back cuz it's not been that long and my metabolism is probably similar. But food morality clearly isn't working either, so I'm trying to pursue something else. A lot of my "treat" foods are unfortunately not things I'd eat less of if I forced myself to. I can eat ice cream everyday honestly. I probably can't eat an entire container of Ben and Jerry's every day... But I could absolutely eat two a week. I don't want to participate in food morality mindsets, but if I know I have certain foods, I truly will choose them again and again, so I have to refuse to buy them except for once a month.
I have been hyper fixated on my body image and feelings about how my body should look since I was a child. I remember when I was around 7 thinking, "I can't wait until I go through puberty so I can get rid of my tummy fat". I've always been a bully to myself in that regard. I don't know if there's a book out there that can teach me to unlearn that, but listening to this episode had many tokens of advice. I appreciate you both and your wisdom so much. ❤️ Love, a fellow kook or kuk lol
Loving this discussion so far. I was thinking about it the same way as Jess mentioned. I kept thinking I'll get to this "ideal me" but it's so elusive and the reality is I'm getting away from my youth so I'll never really be the "perfect" me I'm trying to be. Since we only have the present and now. The future is just our next now so it's important to act in the moment of what we want.
This is such an important subject! Stop commenting on the way people look, period! Growing up, I would get comments at family get-togethers that were meant to be funny. Like: "When will you get some meat on your chest and bum, you'll never get a man looking like that". This started when I was about 10 years old. There was a lot more going on in our family. To say that it was dysfunctional is an understatement. As a result, I felt ugly (outside AND inside) and stupid, not good enough, struggled with my weight and was always trying to get attention and validation from men. And I hated myself. I didn't want to be like that. It took a lot of time and a lot of work. I'm 60 now. Healthy and happy.
It’s kinda funny because I am hungry quite frequently because of poor time management and just life in general but at the same time the thought of going on a specific diet or a regimen like intermittent fasting makes me so anxious. Because of my childhood experiences with my mom trying to slim me down (never overweight) I am now scared of being hungry. Does anyone feel this way?
This is such a hard episode to listen to as I know I’ve been on both sides. I’m super grateful for you doing this episode though. I’ve been the person to comment on what others are eating because I’ve struggled with orthorexia before. I panic when I see the people I love eating hugely processed foods mindlessly as I also struggle with the thought of them getting ill. I’m going to work on the things you’ve mentioned in this episode as I find it so hard to have a healthy relationship with food after also getting comments on weight and acne when small (and also just researching into how to be ‘healthy’). All of my friends have suffered with eating disorders too and I just hope society moves forward positively with body and diet talk.
First of all Great episode Something I always struggle with is wen people tell me (not just about my body)that they wish they had something that i have. for example : „oh i wish I could be so tan like you“ or „why do you have so pretty hair and i don’t“ I hear that mostly my friends and family.it makes me feel guilty like i am the reason they feel unsure about themselves that its my fault.I never now wat to say to make them feel better about them. I don’t now if this ridiculous but hope someone can help me. Alsow love the podcast it’s really great ❤
I definitely felt like I moved through these levels as I aged myself. I was pretty comfortable with myself in my late 30s. But now, as a new 40 year old, I feel like I'm fighting with myself again. I wonder if this, too, is part of a shared cycle.
The fries! "Deprivation leads to over indulgence"...I'm not sure which of her books this was from, but waayyyyy back in the 80s, I read the first of several books by Geneen Roth on the topic of compulsive eating. I believe her first was "Feeding the Hungry Heart". What a revelation! It was the first time i realized the unhealthy relationship i had with food as early as 5 years old. Highly recommend her books to anyone who would like to explore why we eat what, when and how we do!
Episode was amazing and would love to hear more! I can relate to all of it, especially the photos point and possibility of body dysmorphia. Something I've had trouble with in that same realm is when I try to be vulnerable and discuss how I'm feeling about my body with close friends or my partner, their instinct is to tell me "nooo you're beautiful!" or something like that. It leaves me feeling a little nuts and even less confident in my own ability to perceive myself. It also feels disingenuous. Obviously I understand where they're coming from (and probably do the same thing to others), but I do wonder what would be a better approach in those conversations. I tend to avoid being open/ honest about this particular topic anymore because of this. Sending love to all, this shit is hard as hell.
Even without society's beauty standards or expectations, I think a struggle with body image is inevitable. I've realized this in the past two years as I turned 40 and also started weightlifting. The signs of aging are more obvious, and as soon as I accept one change, another pops up. I constantly feel like an alien in my own body, just like when I was 14 and in puberty. I assume menopause will make this much harder. But I'm also stronger than I've ever been. I've gained 15 pounds but not changed in body measurements (mostly), so you'd think that wouldn't create any problems with clothing right? It turns out that having a softer body made it easier to fit into clothes since the fat can squish around and flatten. Muscle does not budge, so I had to buy all new clothing, including underwear and bras. Again, another way that my body feels foreign to me, this time without any visible changes (don't look muscular or toned) nor comments from people.
I've never had an eating disorder, but I can relate to the feeling of someone trying to intervene because they think they're doing the right thing. Even if they're correct it's not very empowering for someone else to just give you the answer. It actually feels kind of disrespectful, because the implication is that you're not smart enough to figure things out for yourself. A good therapist won't even "intervene" unless they have to out of legal obligation. They'll give you the tools and the positive affirmations to help you come to your own conclusions.
Thanks for talking about such an important topic. Listening I was just thinking like "who said cellulite is bad or unattractive?" like doesn't it seem so arbitrary to look at our thighs and see some bumps and think that means something undesirable?
Wonderful episode! It's helpful to hear others' experiences with body image. I really relate to the struggles of longing for a body that's simply unachievable. My main challenge is my height. I'm (barely) 5 foot tall, and boy, do people LOVE to make short girl comments! 😕 My feet are tiny too. I have to buy children's shoes and I'm constantly walking away from clothes I like because even petite sizes often don't fit quite right. I actually loathe going shopping. On multiple occasions I have had to tell people that I am not, in fact, a hobbit. I wonder if other small women experience the same frustrations, and what it would be like to live in a world where I don't have to climb onto my kitchen countertops to reach the middle shelf. 😂
we're absolutely doing more installments of these. i will say we got soooo many more listener DMs, insights, and questions on even more diverse angles of body image AFTER we had already recorded the episode. So we're going to keep saving those and hit some other angles next time around
I thought that i was the bad girl in the family because my uncle once said, "Oey you look fat." Because i indeed gained weight. But it is not something you need to say. 😅 And yesterday i heard one of my acquintance said that she complimented a pregnant woman who is her husband's friend circle. She complimented her that she still looked small althought she is pregnant. And the woman wasn't happy with that. I told her to just say, "You look pretty." It's more universal. Because probably that pregnant woman has struggles with her being small or anything? Who knows. And i think if someone keeps misunderstanding your compliment then it is their problem. But now i realized too, that compliments or comments or either suggestions, if they aren't needed it would still be perceived wrong when they don't resonate well with the receiver. I think best i can do is just giving general compliments. And see how they react to it. And also if they misunderstand me i would just explain my intention. But if they still dont like it, i will just say nothing anymore. In the end we are not for everyone and not everyone is for us. What matter is we appreciate people who are meaningful to us. I do believe we need to appreciate ours and other people's boundary and by then we can get to know each other better.
I’ve been staring at Jess’s hair too - absolutely stunning. It’s giving Kim K’s curled under bob 🤌🏼 honestly distracting me from the pearls of wisdom from these beauties x
I was always told I had a belly, which I do and called it my pasta belly. This year at age 63 Is first time I am just gong to do my best and see how my body responds going forward! Belly n all!
Estrogen is what causes cellulite. The web of fascia forms differently in women than men. Their fascia is denser. I think that since Americans started ingesting more processed foods our body fat has increased exponentially. And unlike Europe, fresh produce and foods are more expensive than processed ones. It's cheaper to stay fat. I don't common on people's weight ever. I can objectively say someone looks beautiful in something. It doesn't help that healthcare is ridiculous in the U S. Binge eating requires mental health treatment to overcome the hurdles
Its not generational. The perspective of respect has been around for decades. Its ignorance and entitlement that people older than you are not getting the fact that you dont ducking comment on other peoples body. I’m 54 and know this and have always known this. It’s ignorance and entitlement not age. (Also, it’s agist to think another genration donest have the nuanced knowlegde) Back the fuck off is the best advice in all scenarios. Treating people like they are valuable important cared for is the only thing to do.
Go to the park, look for couples, couples with kids. Are they all flawlessly beautiful/handsome? Dr. K uses example to combat incels thinking that you need to be top 10% attractive to have any chance with women.
Why put so much effort in trying to control what others say? That’s a lot of people you need to control. Shouldn’t I work on my positive inner dialogue and self acceptance so that I can deal with any comment that comes my way? I don’t think censoring others really fixes the issue. Maybe stop trying to control others (which is impossible) and work on your own resilience and strength.
if you're close enough to someone that you interact with them often, and you know that they want the best for you, there is nothing wrong with articulating how they can best support you in what they say or do not say. Anyone who truly cares about you should be more than happy to accommodate, because words do have power. That is not to say that we should ask for change from others without being willing to evolve in our own ways. But if we're working on your own self-growth, it can be extraordinarily helpful to get support from friends and family.
I love the quote: “and i said to my body. softly. ‘i want to be your friend.’ it took a long breath. and replied ‘i have been waiting my whole life for this.”
Nayyirah Waheed
ugh my parents were so horrible to me about my weight and appearance growing up. I remember when I struggled with chronic acne for a few years as a teen my mother would tell me that she was "embarrassed to be seen with me" when I would leave the house without makeup on. She still frequently talks about how I was such a beautiful child when "she was in control of me" and how she can't stand how I look now...yikes!
After struggling with an eating disorder for years, I never could have imagined that I would be at such a wonderful place in my life. I am filled with so much gratitude and peace surrounding my body, and I feel incredibly beautiful despite the fact that this is probably my heaviest weight. I kinda always thought people who really experienced "body peace/positivity" were literally lying lmaooooo. But wow! It's real, y'all!
@@BellaOConnor-m3t gosh that is so horrible, I’m really sorry that happened to you. My partner had acne when I met him and still has it now and even if it that never changes I think he’s just as beautiful. I’m glad to hear you’re in such a good place now. Happy for you, you deserve it!
wow. i can feel the searing pain of that just reading this reflection. it is shocking what even the most loving parents can say to us sometimes. im sorry you had to hear that. it means a lot that you shared it here, i think a lot of people can relate. and the way you articulated it was very powerful. would love to give you a big hug
A small detail, but facing forward and making eye-contact provided some grounding for these heavy topics. Thanks for going back to this format this week (tho I love the junior high late-night-telephone vibes of the last few eps!)
i'm so glad! this was Jess's idea - to return to the face forward position when we do the For You episodes, and to keep the laying down for our chatty eps. i think it was a great idea and im so glad you felt the effects
When I was younger, I was overweight and hated looking in the mirror. Even though I knew I wasn't healthy, my family never said anything about it. In my late teens and early twenties, I worked hard to lose the extra weight and finally felt good about myself. That’s when my family started saying things like, "eat a cheeseburger," hinting that I was too skinny. It blew my mind that they only spoke up when I was healthy, but stayed quiet when I was unhealthy. This taught me that family opinions aren't always the best to listen to. What really matters is how you feel about yourself. It's all about your own health and happiness, not what others think.
Having a daughter has changed my perspective. The way as a mother I view her body with so much love, care, and adoration makes me wish I could view my own self that way.
Yes to never commenting on bodies. My weight fluctuates a lot and frequently, and when I'm lighter I hear a lot of 'you look great'! It always makes me feel bad, because all I hear is that they're keeping tabs on my weight changes.
They notice when I lose it, and so they must notice when I gain it - but they sure aren't telling me I look great when I'm heavier. And that tells me everything I need to know about what they think about my body as it inevitably changes, and how they think I should feel about my body as it changes. Super harmful, even if it's meant to be complimentary.
I had a very basic anatomy class in the first year of university with the unexpected result of starting to admire my body. It’s fascinating how much is going on every minute without us even knowing. It’s crazy how much we are focused on how our body looks. Learning about how it works really opened my eyes to the fact that there’s much more to it. Our body is an incredibly complex system that is working for us every minute. We are capable of doing everything we do because we have it. I think it’s something that we can appreciate and be grateful for. For me this realization made a huge difference in my relationship with body.
I’m so glad you two covered the impact of chronic illness on body image! It’s something that my own journey evolved into during 2020 and has felt even more isolating because of the time period it started. I went from being the strongest I’ve ever been in the gym to losing all the muscle mass I worked so hard for, and also losing a sense of control and a sense of self. It’s difficult to adapt to the wildly different stages your body exists in (living in it), let alone having to deal with outside judgments on top of that. Sending hugs to everyone!
Oh I totally relate to Jess' "future body" thoughts. I've always, since I was a literal child, thought that way. I'm in a better place now but I still catch myself thinking "I can't spend money on high quality clothes because they won't fit when I lose weight".
Same here. Finally working on healing that part of me 💖 hope you are too
Such an important episode. The way that I perceive other people is often sooooo much more charitable than the way I perceive myself and my own looks.
1:19:17 Haha Jess! I am literally getting ready to share this with my Body Liberation Playground Circle! Because it felt so good, and we talked today about how good it feels to just know that someone has shared experience and you're not alone!
I find it really helpful when the both of you talk about body image because I have a long history of eating disorders and I'm in a bigger body now, and I feel like both of you understand on a personal level both of those aspects. Really great discussion!
The topic is so important to me that after listening to you guys I just have the urge to start my own podcast only to continue the conversation I had with you.
So yes, another episode on this would be much appreciated.
Love to all the köks ❤
It feels really validating that Jess is also Lebanese and has had some of the same experiences regarding family and weight that I have. Thank you both for covering such an important topic that men and women can relate to
Aw Caroline I feel bad because I made the comment about you looking down on your phone and texting and you mentioned it twice I think. I just want to apologize if that made you feel self-conscious. I love the cozy, friends chatting vibe and this conversation is so vulnerable and really comforting. So, I didn't intend to be rude but I realize it's important to be more mindful even with comments because yeah you guys are really human beings and putting yourself out there. So nothing but love from this end.
oh there's no need to apologize for anything. If you were thinking it, then it's safe to think other people were. so it actually was helpful to know that an explanation might be helpful!
@@Not4EveryonePod aww thank you. It's great you support freedom of expression. I just know some people can be cruel and want to make sure you know there's nothing but love here.
I was too late to contribute my thoughts but I’ll put them here to see if anyone relates. I’ve really struggled with my body all my life in terms of being extremely skinny…but I’m 25 now and even though I love food and feel like I eat normal portion sizes I’m still the same. People tell me it’s just my natural body type as I still look healthy and my bones don’t protrude. Although I recognise how it’s a privilege to be complaining I’m too thin rather than too big…it’s created a new kind of mental struggle where I feel like it’s not really talked about or represented in terms of feeling insecure about having zero curves and feeling like a child. I’ve had comments where I’m described as not womanly or pretty but not sexy…it makes me feel like I don’t qualify for being a woman because I’m living in a child’s body.
All my life I’ve been called all kinds of bad names because I was always skinny and yet I always saw myself as overweight, what a sad and weird way to live…I still struggle with this at age 55 and I’m glad the young generation is more mature and gentle with body image.
@@allieshepherd1144 that’s a really difficult battle to have for so long, I’m really sorry. I think the younger generation are definitely trying to be more gentle but there’s the added struggle now of exposure to so many people online and the constant comparison, not to mention all the surgeries and edits on photos exaggerating the beauty standard goal. If we spend more time appreciating the diversity we see outside every day we’ll realise how much more beautiful it is that we’re all unique, and that this whole goal of same face, same body etc. is incredibly dull.
This episode is healing my soul. Thank you babies ❤
I’m old enough to be your mother, but I believe body image has always been an issue across generations, especially for women. The difference today is that more people openly discuss it. When I was young and living in London, I wanted to be a skinny British girl like Kate Moss, despite being Asian.😂 This made me feel less about myself. As I grew older, I overcame these feelings. However, now I face a new challenge: aging!
this was an important topic and I'd like to contribute my own experience, in case someone relates. I've been thin my whole childhood and early adulthood and I always felt lucky that I didn't have the same worries my friends and family had about their bodies. with the exception of my small boobs, I was relatively well proportioned and had no major complex. I also kept receiving comments from people that they envy my body and my lack of worry around it, so I always took a weird pride about being the girl that didn't have to even think about dieting or adjacent topics.
turns out, I was just majorly stressed with worries, responsibilities and doing a lot of things at once and not feeding myself properly, for basically the entire first quarter of my life. after I reached 27 y.o. my life became more settled, I didn't need to run around all day due to my work and studies and could actually take time to eat and relax. sure, I became a bit more sedentary as well, but a lot of things improved, including my anxiety levels (I think we, as women, need some fat to regulate our hormones).
but of course I started gaining weight and all of a sudden my clothes didn't fit me right, I couldn't buy the smallest size in everything as a default and people noticed the changes in my body, with some even commenting. then I started to have body issues, bc of course I internalized all those comments during my youth - I was enviable then, which means when I started to gain more weight, that was a bad thing automatically. nevermind that my current body still looks pretty damn amazing and is healthy and serving me well. I attached myself to the thin and carefree-about-my-weight version of my earlier years, and once that started changing, I started to crash.
I guess I have to be grateful that I'm navigating this new reality as an adult, with all the knowledge and insight that we have about accepting ourselves, but I don't know that I can truly overcome this hurdle even in these conditions. the messaging that skinny is best is deeply embedded in the fabric of our current society and it's only just now started to work its negativity in my life as well. my heart goes out to all of us, especially women.
What an important episode. I really feel how it helps with my healing also because I was trying on outfits for the festival I go to tomorrow feeling self concious because I gained weight recently. Thank you so much.🙏🏼 The quote at the end actually made me cry.🫶🏼
we got some really beautiful write-ins and original quotes from our listeners. so happy to share them. have a blast at the festival, you are wonderful
just sitting here sobbing - thank you for talking about this. struggling my whole life with body image and food issues has led to a completely wrecked mental state about both body and food and i'm so grateful for others for sharing their experiences to show we aren't alone.
What a wonderful episode! So relevant
We need to remember to take care of ourselves as if our bodies were our child or a little sister or the best friend. Like someone we truly love and care for. This way, we'll feed our bodies well and every once in a while will "spoil" our loved one with pizza and ice cream and candy and pastries if that's what makes us happy or if it connects us with people we love.
Same concept works for protecting self from "well-meaning" others commenting or giving advice. Treat it like someone is trying to tell you how to bring up your child. You will either tell them off or distance self from the toxicity. If you hear some useful input, you'll consider it, but usually people search for such advise, not hear it on a street from a random person
We need to remember that our bodies are our besties even if they are not perfect by everybody else's standards.
Very good episode! Thank you guys!
Loved this episode and found so many of the tips helpful. I wanted to add another perspective too. this is something that I struggle with that’s why thought it’s important to add. Even though I love talk about placing boundries with close ones and even acquaintances… yes it’s good to try and mitigate it when necessary but what about just sitting with the bad feeling it’s giving? Sitting with how that comment on your weight made you feel and then show compassion for it internally and build resilience. I’ve been listening to “radical acceptance” lately after Caroline recommended it and it’s been so helpful… it’s exactly what I struggle with and honestly needed to listen to. It’s exhausting trying to correct people all the time and it can cause younger generations to be less resilient maybe? If everyone is politically correct all the time we become more touchy and less able to deal with the negative emotions it brings…
Powerful Beautiful Insightful - more please 💙
This episode was needed, I’ve been really down about my body lately and even though I already have learned these things, the lessons can be hard to internalize when you’re in the thick of feeling down. Hearing it from women who I look up to was definitely helpful :)
Thank you so much for this episode ! I’ve never felt more seen. For as crazy as the world seems lately I’m so appreciative that young woman and older ones like me get to be around at a time that this conversation is happening. One where we get to dissect and discard the shame that has plagued women and their bodies.
This is so helpful. Please do more of such body talks 🙏🏻 I kinda feel that I need this on regular basis to help me with spiraling about my body. Love you girls ❤
As a teen I had this experience that really helped me start a mindset change. I had a mole on my toe that bothered me so much, I was always so self conscious of wearing open toe shoes. Then a random person once said my mole was so cool. Until that moment, it had never occurred to me that I could look at that as any way but negative and that I had a choice. I don’t even think about it anymore now. It is a small example, but the ability to do that shift has been so helpful. I recently had children so that is an absolute major body milestone that comes with a lot of permanent changes that I am still trying to learn to cope with so it is definitely a journey and life will keep throwing them at you as the aging process starts getting into full swing.
Please do another, this was such a helpful episode. I really liked the insight Caroline shared about food and money, I have never noticed until now but it’s so true, I tend to have the same habits and behaviors with food as I do with money. Also, the ending quote 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
this episode was sooo healing and helpful!! can't wait for more of these, gamechangers. appreciate you both
I’m glad this came out right before I have a huge graduation party to attend to this weekend ❤
CARESS YOURSELF SWEET 🥺💕
Definitely loved this episode and hope for some more in the future ❤ One of the reasons I love your podcast so much is episodes like this one, where you focus on things that we're all struggling with. You've helped me so much in the last year and I'm super grateful for having found this podcast. Best scientists ever!!
Also, please do a parents episode (not going into detail with this request, you already know what I mean)
Young kook, thank you!
How are you both so gorgeous inside and out? Is it because y'all love and respect and trust yourselves? I think there's a lesson in that for all of us!
Pleeeeeeeease make another one soon!!!!!
i always listen to the pod on apple podcast but i came here just to say this: thank you!
I didn't get to my healthiest weight that I've ever been until I was in my mid-twenties, and although it very much was a vanity boost in so many ways, I genuinely felt so much healthier and energetic because of it too. Now, I was also living in a different country and only working about 12 hours a week in person, 15 hours online, and the work-life balance of living in such a walkable and beautiful place, with a lot more healthy food that was genuinely delicious than my comfort US foods, definitely factored into why I was so healthy and able to exercise more... But it was really hard when I came back to America during the pandemic and gained about 40 lb because I felt like I couldn't talk about the change. No one else mentioned it. No one commented on it... Which is really good, but also led me to worry it was exclusively in my head and exclusively a vanity thing. Then when I finally stepped on a scale, it was just about the vanity of that. I finally had proof that something was different, but I didn't have the support I needed to change it, so emotional eating reigned. Years later, I still haven't regained that since of health and energy, but looking at old photos just makes me remember that things WERE better then. They frustrate me too because I could accept never being a 16-year-old again, but I don't want my 16-year-old body. It wasn't healthy. I want my 25-year-old body, and that feels like something I should still be able to get back cuz it's not been that long and my metabolism is probably similar. But food morality clearly isn't working either, so I'm trying to pursue something else. A lot of my "treat" foods are unfortunately not things I'd eat less of if I forced myself to. I can eat ice cream everyday honestly. I probably can't eat an entire container of Ben and Jerry's every day... But I could absolutely eat two a week. I don't want to participate in food morality mindsets, but if I know I have certain foods, I truly will choose them again and again, so I have to refuse to buy them except for once a month.
I have been hyper fixated on my body image and feelings about how my body should look since I was a child. I remember when I was around 7 thinking, "I can't wait until I go through puberty so I can get rid of my tummy fat". I've always been a bully to myself in that regard. I don't know if there's a book out there that can teach me to unlearn that, but listening to this episode had many tokens of advice. I appreciate you both and your wisdom so much. ❤️ Love, a fellow kook or kuk lol
Loving this discussion so far. I was thinking about it the same way as Jess mentioned. I kept thinking I'll get to this "ideal me" but it's so elusive and the reality is I'm getting away from my youth so I'll never really be the "perfect" me I'm trying to be. Since we only have the present and now. The future is just our next now so it's important to act in the moment of what we want.
This is such an important subject! Stop commenting on the way people look, period! Growing up, I would get comments at family get-togethers that were meant to be funny. Like: "When will you get some meat on your chest and bum, you'll never get a man looking like that". This started when I was about 10 years old. There was a lot more going on in our family. To say that it was dysfunctional is an understatement. As a result, I felt ugly (outside AND inside) and stupid, not good enough, struggled with my weight and was always trying to get attention and validation from men. And I hated myself. I didn't want to be like that. It took a lot of time and a lot of work. I'm 60 now. Healthy and happy.
It’s kinda funny because I am hungry quite frequently because of poor time management and just life in general but at the same time the thought of going on a specific diet or a regimen like intermittent fasting makes me so anxious. Because of my childhood experiences with my mom trying to slim me down (never overweight) I am now scared of being hungry.
Does anyone feel this way?
Thank you for bringing this topic to light! Love your podcast!
This is such a hard episode to listen to as I know I’ve been on both sides. I’m super grateful for you doing this episode though. I’ve been the person to comment on what others are eating because I’ve struggled with orthorexia before. I panic when I see the people I love eating hugely processed foods mindlessly as I also struggle with the thought of them getting ill. I’m going to work on the things you’ve mentioned in this episode as I find it so hard to have a healthy relationship with food after also getting comments on weight and acne when small (and also just researching into how to be ‘healthy’). All of my friends have suffered with eating disorders too and I just hope society moves forward positively with body and diet talk.
You look very pretty in your Reformation dress, Caroline
First of all Great episode
Something I always struggle with is wen people tell me (not just about my body)that they wish they had something that i have. for example : „oh i wish I could be so tan like you“ or „why do you have so pretty hair and i don’t“
I hear that mostly my friends and family.it makes me feel guilty like i am the reason they feel unsure about themselves that its my fault.I never now wat to say to make them feel better about them.
I don’t now if this ridiculous but hope someone can help me.
Alsow love the podcast it’s really great ❤
What great time as I come back from the doctor's office with my highest weight ever and considered overweight now.
I definitely felt like I moved through these levels as I aged myself. I was pretty comfortable with myself in my late 30s. But now, as a new 40 year old, I feel like I'm fighting with myself again. I wonder if this, too, is part of a shared cycle.
The fries! "Deprivation leads to over indulgence"...I'm not sure which of her books this was from, but waayyyyy back in the 80s, I read the first of several books by Geneen Roth on the topic of compulsive eating. I believe her first was "Feeding the Hungry Heart". What a revelation! It was the first time i realized the unhealthy relationship i had with food as early as 5 years old. Highly recommend her books to anyone who would like to explore why we eat what, when and how we do!
Episode was amazing and would love to hear more! I can relate to all of it, especially the photos point and possibility of body dysmorphia. Something I've had trouble with in that same realm is when I try to be vulnerable and discuss how I'm feeling about my body with close friends or my partner, their instinct is to tell me "nooo you're beautiful!" or something like that. It leaves me feeling a little nuts and even less confident in my own ability to perceive myself. It also feels disingenuous. Obviously I understand where they're coming from (and probably do the same thing to others), but I do wonder what would be a better approach in those conversations. I tend to avoid being open/ honest about this particular topic anymore because of this. Sending love to all, this shit is hard as hell.
My fourth time pressing play on this episode 😅 I'll be emotionally prepared someday. Not today
Even without society's beauty standards or expectations, I think a struggle with body image is inevitable. I've realized this in the past two years as I turned 40 and also started weightlifting. The signs of aging are more obvious, and as soon as I accept one change, another pops up. I constantly feel like an alien in my own body, just like when I was 14 and in puberty. I assume menopause will make this much harder.
But I'm also stronger than I've ever been. I've gained 15 pounds but not changed in body measurements (mostly), so you'd think that wouldn't create any problems with clothing right? It turns out that having a softer body made it easier to fit into clothes since the fat can squish around and flatten. Muscle does not budge, so I had to buy all new clothing, including underwear and bras. Again, another way that my body feels foreign to me, this time without any visible changes (don't look muscular or toned) nor comments from people.
I've never had an eating disorder, but I can relate to the feeling of someone trying to intervene because they think they're doing the right thing. Even if they're correct it's not very empowering for someone else to just give you the answer. It actually feels kind of disrespectful, because the implication is that you're not smart enough to figure things out for yourself. A good therapist won't even "intervene" unless they have to out of legal obligation. They'll give you the tools and the positive affirmations to help you come to your own conclusions.
Thanks for talking about such an important topic. Listening I was just thinking like "who said cellulite is bad or unattractive?" like doesn't it seem so arbitrary to look at our thighs and see some bumps and think that means something undesirable?
Khadija Mbowe has a phenomenal video on being a POC and what she terms "desirability", which is definitely worth a look.
2 mins in and jess' nails are still stunning and have all my envy and attention
Wonderful episode! It's helpful to hear others' experiences with body image. I really relate to the struggles of longing for a body that's simply unachievable. My main challenge is my height. I'm (barely) 5 foot tall, and boy, do people LOVE to make short girl comments! 😕 My feet are tiny too. I have to buy children's shoes and I'm constantly walking away from clothes I like because even petite sizes often don't fit quite right. I actually loathe going shopping. On multiple occasions I have had to tell people that I am not, in fact, a hobbit. I wonder if other small women experience the same frustrations, and what it would be like to live in a world where I don't have to climb onto my kitchen countertops to reach the middle shelf. 😂
I have never clicked so quickly
we're absolutely doing more installments of these. i will say we got soooo many more listener DMs, insights, and questions on even more diverse angles of body image AFTER we had already recorded the episode. So we're going to keep saving those and hit some other angles next time around
I thought that i was the bad girl in the family because my uncle once said, "Oey you look fat." Because i indeed gained weight. But it is not something you need to say. 😅
And yesterday i heard one of my acquintance said that she complimented a pregnant woman who is her husband's friend circle. She complimented her that she still looked small althought she is pregnant. And the woman wasn't happy with that.
I told her to just say, "You look pretty." It's more universal. Because probably that pregnant woman has struggles with her being small or anything? Who knows.
And i think if someone keeps misunderstanding your compliment then it is their problem.
But now i realized too, that compliments or comments or either suggestions, if they aren't needed it would still be perceived wrong when they don't resonate well with the receiver.
I think best i can do is just giving general compliments. And see how they react to it. And also if they misunderstand me i would just explain my intention. But if they still dont like it, i will just say nothing anymore.
In the end we are not for everyone and not everyone is for us. What matter is we appreciate people who are meaningful to us. I do believe we need to appreciate ours and other people's boundary and by then we can get to know each other better.
Also, Jess your hair is looking so gorgeous. Is it your natural hair color?
I’ve been staring at Jess’s hair too - absolutely stunning. It’s giving Kim K’s curled under bob 🤌🏼 honestly distracting me from the pearls of wisdom from these beauties x
I was always told I had a belly, which I do and called it my pasta belly. This year at age 63 Is first time I am just gong to do my best and see how my body responds going forward! Belly n all!
If you like my body…. And you think I’m sexy…. 🎶🎉❤❤❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉(you are perfect to me)
Estrogen is what causes cellulite. The web of fascia forms differently in women than men. Their fascia is denser. I think that since Americans started ingesting more processed foods our body fat has increased exponentially. And unlike Europe, fresh produce and foods are more expensive than processed ones. It's cheaper to stay fat. I don't common on people's weight ever. I can objectively say someone looks beautiful in something. It doesn't help that healthcare is ridiculous in the U S. Binge eating requires mental health treatment to overcome the hurdles
Its not generational. The perspective of respect has been around for decades. Its ignorance and entitlement that people older than you are not getting the fact that you dont ducking comment on other peoples body. I’m 54 and know this and have always known this. It’s ignorance and entitlement not age. (Also, it’s agist to think another genration donest have the nuanced knowlegde) Back the fuck off is the best advice in all scenarios. Treating people like they are valuable important cared for is the only thing to do.
Go to the park, look for couples, couples with kids. Are they all flawlessly beautiful/handsome? Dr. K uses example to combat incels thinking that you need to be top 10% attractive to have any chance with women.
Why put so much effort in trying to control what others say? That’s a lot of people you need to control. Shouldn’t I work on my positive inner dialogue and self acceptance so that I can deal with any comment that comes my way? I don’t think censoring others really fixes the issue. Maybe stop trying to control others (which is impossible) and work on your own resilience and strength.
if you're close enough to someone that you interact with them often, and you know that they want the best for you, there is nothing wrong with articulating how they can best support you in what they say or do not say. Anyone who truly cares about you should be more than happy to accommodate, because words do have power. That is not to say that we should ask for change from others without being willing to evolve in our own ways. But if we're working on your own self-growth, it can be extraordinarily helpful to get support from friends and family.