the reality of recovering from an ED *my journey*
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- Опубліковано 24 сер 2024
- this past week was national eating disorder awareness week and this is something i feel strongly for. at 15 i was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa & while i "physically" recovered, i never psychologically did. i continued poor habits and went through continuous cycles of binge and restrict. during quarantine i started to become obsessed again. back in november, i started to fall back into my old habits. in december, i wanted everything to disappear so my pain would end with it. every morning began with crying. i hadnt felt so low in so long. i hadnt felt so alone in so long. so i started to journal. i journaled every. single. feeling. i turned my journal entires into a script. i began to film my little victories and losses. i started to document my journey. through therapy and seeing a nutritionist and having a better support system, i found a life so worth living. there is SO much to look forward to. a life that doesnt revolve around starving, binging, etc. i learned that not everything i do, needs to be shown online. i can recovery in silence. i can grow in silence. and i can share my story after. thank you to anyone who has been patient with me and my channel. losing myself made me lose so much more with it. thank you. while im still not recovered entirely, i am at a way way better spot and this is advice i need to keep pushing. if you're looking for a sign to recover, this is it.
0:22 - i think this was the first day i realized it wasn't all in my head
02:28 - documenting my thoughts when i wake up
02:45 - thanksgiving dinner. one of the worst days mentally.
03:38 - my dad came to see me, he was worried and my heart shattered
04:55 - my first therapy session
05:15 - another rough day. decided to document one of my many breakdowns
05:57 - this is how i fell in love. this is how i recovered.
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💛 intro: feelings - lauv
💛 outro: 3:15 - bazzi (cover by paige,amelia,reva, and i)
I love you & thrive today💛🌙🌟
-Vanessa Nagoya
I DO NOT OWN ANY MUSIC FROM THIS VIDEO
CHILLS. I still remember the day you bought that journal and read me your first entry. I am so incredibly proud of you for how far you've come even in my short time of knowing you. You inspire me still, even from a distance. Love and support you always.
my favorite friendship
Melanie Locke fancy seeing YOU here!!
Control to Nine-Tailed Fox, we have detected unauthorized activity at Gate B. You may investigate and open fire if necessary.
you pushed me thank you:,)❤️
this is incredible. thank you for sharing your vulnerability and staying genuine with us.
happy eating disorder awareness week to vanessa and anyone else who is recovering !
I hate that I have had to see u fight this for like 3 years but everything happens for a reason and I think it's bc u are now inspiring others to keep fighting when it's tough stay strong broski! u can overcome this and u do it's gonna feel so good! :) keep loving urself! ps this music is not helping stop the tears
I just…the way that “I can either love the way my dying body looks or hate the way my healthy body is” HIT ME like a ton of bricks…I never knew that this was the perfect way to express this aspect of what my ED and like recovery feel like
i’m so proud of you putting yourself out there like that it definitely helps other people seek how it really is rather than how people romanticize eds
thank you so much :) there is absolutely nothing pretty about EDs and i think social media fails at showing that
vanessa just makes me feel so comforted, warm, like everything might just start being ok
I’ve been struggling with eating disorders for over five years at this point, never recovering, never getting help, never even admitting it out loud.
I know how hard it all is and can’t even imagine how hard actually recovering must be, but I’m happy to see you doing so much better and starting to get your life back. You inspire me to maybe one day try and do that too, even if right now it feels impossible.
Thank you for posting this and allowing yourself to be so vulnerable with us and with your self❤️
hi ik u dont know me so idk the power my words have to you, but i genuinely hope so badly that you find your recovery and fall back in love with urself soon. best wishes:)))
@@jowet7854 thank you so much, just reading a stranger saying this about me is making me tear up a little so your words definitely have power. I really do appreciate it, especially at such a low time in my life this means more than I can explain to you
I don't know a lot about ed, I have never experienced something so hard in my life but I KNOW you can do this. I don't know who you are either but somehow I feel close to you because you shared something so personal with me. I want you to know that I love you and I really from the bottom of my heart wish for you to be able to love yourself again, because I already do and I'm sure a lot of people do too. Be strong, it IS worth it. And whenever you need it, you can talk to me here. Hope this helped in any way, and that Vanessa can push you to begin this incredible journey that is recovery.
@@carolinamuciaccia7944 thank you, I had a really hard week and I honestly just really needed to hear something like that right now but definitely didn’t expect getting this notification so I really appreciate it
YOU ARE SO STRONG! YOU'RE NOT ALONE, WE ALL HAVE THAT DARK CORNER THAT WE WANT TO CRAWL INTO BECAUSE IT'S COMFORTABLE. YOU BEING ABLE TO RECOGNIZE & ADDRESS YOUR VULNERABILITY IS GROWTH THAT MANY OF US HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO SHOWS HOPE. YOU GOT THIS VANESSA!
sometimes I wonder if I’m ever able to step out of this suffocating cycle.
you are 100% capable
you got this
you are. and you will
@@VanessaNagoya does your brother purposely trigger you?
You are. I promised you, if you wanna talk ever I'm @/izzy0426 on Instagram x
I totally understand when you talk about Britney, but for me her name is Anna, she's mean but at the same time she feels like my only friend, it feels like she's the only one who understands me and she helps "keeps me on track" or whatever that means and her voice is the only voice I hear when I see food.
This made me sob. As someone who has off and on disordered eating (but not really an eating disorder) I can now see just how destructive it is. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your story. Even though we're strangers, it feels like we're close friends. I'm so so proud of you Vanessa. Keep staying strong girl
your should honestly make this into a book this is amazing and everyone needs to hear this
thank you for being so brave and talking about this!
I've been scared and exited for this since your story, you're so strong.
vanessa just know that we’re so proud of you for gaining the courage to post this. we’re proud of you for overcoming your struggles and fears. and thank you for posting this because i know it can help many people, including me. we love you vanessa❤️
literally ness I'm so incredibly proud of you well done I'm so proud of you
i love you
thank you so much for bringing attention to eating disorders and sharing your journey, you’re honestly incredible, i’m so sorry you’ve had to go through so much, your strength is such an inspiration to me and i know for others too❤️❤️
Wow. I might not have to struggle with an eating disorder but the way this resonates with everybody and every struggle. Youre helping so many more people than you know, Vanessa, eating disorders or no eating disorder alike.
you know what im so proud of u for posting this. thank you for sharing so much with us ness ness it really does matter 🤍
the courage it probably took to post this... love you so much vanessa
I honestly relate so much when you talked about your brother. Everyone around me is very vain about their looks and makes comments like that every time I eat. My whole family talks about how fat they feel after eating a single potato chip and they work out for hours to burn off that single chip- They call me a pig for drinking milk after 3 days of not eating. They don't realize that I didn't eat because I used to be obese. It honestly hurts more when they punish me for throwing up and always say how I'm so disgusting for that and how I'm weak. Then they say “Why are you so stupid? You could develop bulimia one day so stop.” Do they think I don't know that? I've struggled with binge eating and purging since I was 8. I never once said I didn't. Every time I use to eat I'd throw up and weigh myself after. Every. Single. Time. And all I did was eat. How could they not realize I was already having problems? I'd be forced to eat out and I just broke and started crying in the middle of a pizza place after eating one slice of really thin mushroom pizza. Seeing others eat made me get so upset. I started screaming and punching things when I got home because I couldn't purge the food. I'd be screaming and crying at least 3 times a day. I was homeschooled and had nobody to talk to. I probably demolished $400 in food a day (sorry mom). I still have an ED but nowhere as bad as I used to have it and I'm confident I will recover. I'm only 13 and I've already wasted most of my life in anger and sadness.
Thank you for telling your raw story, and just remember, you’re not alone out there and it’s okay to need help
This is hands down my favorite video that you’ve posted. You’ve helped me through so much with my relationship to food and with myself and I’m so glad you’re evolving learning to love yourself as much as u love others. Definitely made me tear up, love you!! 🤍
i’m so proud of you vanessa
I love how strong you are to film these moments and show them to us
i started bawling when “it’s not the same anymore” came on. thank you for this vanessa. i love you so much, you are so strong and i’m grateful you shared this. i’ve been having these thoughts recently and this is so helpful and inspiring. 💗
stay strong, and thankyou for sharing this! it must've been hard, we'll be here to support you. sending lots of love
all too well playing is just too perfect
You are amazing and I absolutely love the message. I am towards the end of my ED recovery and it is hard and that’s reality. I am so proud of you and how far you have come!
i’m proud of you, you are doing this and i’m so happy that you are doing this not only to let yourself feel like you’re going to be okay but also for your supporters. Don’t give up, you are going to do this, you will be okay, don’t put too much pressure on yourself and let yourself remember you are trying your best
I’ve been semi struggling with this for years.. I get self conscious and overthink about what I eat, I used to look at my stomach / side profile in every mirror I saw. It was really bad but I’ve been getting better slowly; I don’t look in the mirror anymore (in that way) :,) thank you so much again for sharing with us, speaking for a lot of us; it’s nice to know that we aren’t alone
wow, i’m lost of words. i’m so incredibly proud of you! you are so so strong for posting your most vulnerable moments. love you so much vanessa!
I can't imagine how hard this was to film and edit! Thank you Vanessa. We love you! ❤
wow this brought me to tears, your story is just like mine and having to try and overcome it is one of the hardest things. Thank you for this video it really opened up my eyes to see that it isn't worth it! I'm proud of us.
what a beautiful, raw video. you will never truly realise how many people you will help, and how many people love you. i hope that you can continue to grow, and find yourself when it feels the hardest. thank you.
thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. we deeply appreciate and love you
wow, like i`m crying because it makes me so happy to see that someone is falling in love with their life and themselves. because it is the best feeling you will ever feel.
i needed this tbh. i’ve been going through a rough time and almost ended up dying because of ppl hating me for ruining a relationship with my ex and ppl saying i’m fat. thank you for showing your vulnerability, bc i never knew how to show mine.
love u girl, thank u for this help
I’m so sorry bby you can push through anything you are gorgeous no matter what anyone says . I have only experienced half of this , WE
LOVE YOU SO MUCH . YOU ARE SUCH A STRONG GIRL AND YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL LOVE ❤️
Th ask you for talking about this journey with us! I know it must’ve been hard, and we’re so proud of you!!!
I'm trying to make myself recover rn. I want to love my body and make peace with it. Constantly stressing over how much I eat and starving myself isn't something I want but it's so hard to recover.Ty for this vid
the part about not wanting to go back home because of the environment even though you love your family hit home i started crying so bad. came across this video randomly, you're truly a really strong and beautiful person. i hope i also find it in me to love myself one day. thank you so much for sharing.
thank you for letting other people know they aren't alone. From that first video that i watched from your channel to all the new content you post, I always feel like I'm there with you. That I'm there as your friend, not a subscriber, and the feeling I get from your videos, every single one of them, I feel like I'm not alone. So thank you for that :)
Thank you. I don’t know what else to say . These words of yours have helped me so much now I can’t describe it. The things you said and filmed just made me realize so much and I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this video, we’re all in this together and we can all do this. Thank you so much Vanessa 💛💛💛
This is almost exactly what it feels like to have OCD, I know what it feels like to relapse, I have with my ocd and it is the worst. But I fought and I’m on my way to being better again. And you will be too, let’s fight our demons!!
you are so so strong. you are so wonderful and you bring joy to 400,000 people so frequently. we are all so proud of you!!
vanessa, im so proud of you. thank you for being vulnerable for us.
You have literally put everything i am struggling with right now its words it always feels so hard to talk about and feeling like no one understands so you are litterally my savior this gave me a little bit if peace and im really wanna win im sick of my ed pushing me around and I hope you can continue recovery and kick ur ed to the curb
this video made me cry. seeing how much this has affected your relationships with your family especially hit home for me. we are so proud of you for putting your heart on the line just to let us know that we aren’t alone. I’m so sorry that you went through this but you will always have us and you are so strong for fighting. thank you🥺
you're so beautiful doll I really hope you recover fully from this and remember the you are beautiful
I got chills down my spine just watching this journey of yours! You're so strong Vanessa, just remind yourself that each and every single day and love yourself with every inch of your patchwork heart. You're incredible and all of us couldn't be any more proud of you.
wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. it's never easy to share your most vulnerable side to people, but wow you are so brave and strong for this. thank you for opening so many realizations and eyes. thank you for being there during the times when I never knew or i didn't know i needed to hear words like these. thank you for being there and for basically waking me (or even many of us) up when my mind constantly asks for help but i reject and ignore. 💛
i came into this video and didn't expect to be balling my eyes out. i had no idea the pain you were going through and how much can be hidden from those close to you. i'm filled with joy that you're progressing and that you were so willing to share this with us. i knew how close you are to us and this is such a big step. i'm very proud of you vanessa! i feel like i'm crying because your video left a powerful impact on me. i guess it doesn't hurt to love yourself and i shouldn't be afraid to talk about how i feel. i love you bb
“If only they knew i was lifeless” I started crying with you im so proud of youu and i love you so much
this is literally the most beautiful thing ever. i am so. so. SO. proud of you.
The fact that you can share all this is amazing. I love you and your channel, thanks for opening up and this low key made me cry
this just made me feel warm. idk, just warm, loved and everything in between. bittersweet and wholesome and nice. i feel like it is going to be better.
You are so strong girl, even if at times you may not feel like it. Thank you for helping me and so many of your followers who may be going through something similar.
i love you this has helped me because i feel like this side isnt talked about and coming from another asian girl i feel like we are not alone on this journey with our body image
Thank you for sharing this side of you❤️! Just know you are loved even if we never met. You are a strong beautiful young woman. As a fellow college student, I appreciate you for sharing this vulnerable side of you. Stay safe love❤️.
I had anorexia for 6 years before I pulled myself through weight restoration. No psychologist would take me seriously because I was so young, and then when I was old enough for a psychologist to listen to me, I was already at a weight that was too 'high' to be diagnosed with an eating disorder. Now at age 20 I'm still dealing with some disordered thoughts, especially when life gets stressfull. More stress makes it easier to fall back into unhealthy coping mechanisms. Thank you for making this video, I feel heard and understood. You are so strong, and I'm so happy to see you getting your life back, cuz damn you deserve to love every second of it.
i don't think i've ever seen a video this... raw before. this is relatable for me, but i don't have an ED, i've just been going through a lot of stress. thank you for putting this out there. this isn't just a youtube video - this is literally art.
this made me cry. you are so strong and incredible, this world is a better place with u in it
thank you for posting this, you do not know how much this helps me. i’m really not alone
you got this ness! we’re always here ❤️❤️ we love u
the fact that the video ended at 11:11...🥺
everyone live life to the fullest u r loved and be urself u are perfect!
Wow this made me cry for you Vanessa. Idk if you’ll see this, but ever since I came to college food has been making me happy but it’s also making me sad because of gaining weight. I don’t want to come home and have people call me fat, the fact that my grandpa called me fat before I went up to school made me so so so so sad even though my dad said he was just joking. Idk where I’m going with this but you inspire me so much Vanessa I hope you know that.
IM SO PROUD OF YOU
I don't feel so alone anymore. My recovery process was so rocky, I'd be great one day and crying over a sandwich the next. I think that sometimes we need a reminder that recovery isn't instant and that we all have bad days
After struggling with eating disorder for YEARS this motivated me to recover ❤️ thank you vanessa i needed this!
the first time I watched this, I balled my eyes out because I feel so bad that you felt like this and because I relate. I'm so proud of you and we're all just conquering life at the same time. Thank you so much for posting this, you are so brave and I love you.
I'm so proud of you for how far you have come. I'm 15 and I developed an ed over the past 4 months. Today my mom told me I have to start my recovery or else she will send me to rehab. I'm so terrified to go back to my original body but after watching this I feel a little less afraid and I think I might be able to do it.
hope ur ok now
I have had eating disorder since the start of the quarantine and this video is what made me start my journey on recovering so I just wanna say thank u so much Vanessa. You have no idea how many ppl you helped❤️❤️
Thank you I love you, this really motivated me to love me Thank you so much 😭 you such a strong person I’m very proud of you 🥺
You continue to show us that all people are normal and we all have not flaws but difference and details that make us different and we all go through things but we are all human
mentally couldn’t watch this without crying every min. thank you for making this video. you literally have no idea how much u help me with my mental health and self image and i see u as the supportive big sister that i never had. im so proud of you that you got through all of it, i love you
girl i didnt want to cry today. ur so strong ily
Dear Vanessa, I know what you went through is is hard and the fact that you decided to post the journey that you went through was brave. You got this Vanessa and we (fans) got your back no matter what. All of us are humans, we all deal with obstacles in different ways. Life is hard but if we get back up again, that makes us stronger. I love you Vanessa so much, and thank you so much to trust us to the point that you share the hardest obstacle that you faced. 🤍🤍
Vanesaa I love you we will be with you, support you until the end. I felt emotional watching this, I wanted to go through the screen and hug her. Showing this side of her which a lot of us struggles to show. It really sinked in to me that am not alone, I am not the only one who feels and has felt this way... thank you Vanessa.
as someone who---struggles with this same thing, this touched my heart so much and I needed to hear everything in the video. *cries* Like, thank you for encouraging me to keep going even when I don't think I can do it anymore. *hugs*
I can see that this so much for you to be able to post this and feel comfortable and open to telling us. We will and should always be here for you Vanessa ❤️ we love you 😘
thank you so much for this video💛 in 8th grade i also suffered thru an ED and no one seemed to notice, it was until i got sick and spent weeks in doctors offices trying to find out what was wrong with me when i realized i couldn’t keep hurting myself just to “fit in” to what society says i should look like. you are so strong! it does get better i promise!❤️ ily
nessa I'm so proud of you! you are so brave and so strong to go through this and just remember you are beautiful. you are genuinely one of my icons and you are just such an inspiration. not only have you helped me, but you have helped so many others. we are here for you and we will be here till the end :)
hi big sis :) im gonna make a sappy comment really fast cuz i have to go to dance but let me just say.
#1: you are someone who has kept me on this earth and it feels so vulnerable and icky to say but I’ve been doing not good and I so badly hate being here but the way you said you wanted to get better for me made me want to get better for you.
#2: I’m proud of your vulnerability and I’m so beyond happy to see you smile a little brighter, laugh a little harder, and reach a little higher. im so proud that you took the time to get better and I see it in you, with how happy you look after settling in. I’m so happy that the life of happiness and success has chose you.
#3: I also feel like I’m struggling and bouncing in and out of undiagnosed Ed’s and I don’t know who to rly talk to because I don’t want to sound silly but somehow everytime I feel like I’m getting worse you post and it makes me feel a bit less worse .
thank you for being one of my outlets and one of the best older sisters anyone could literally ever ask for. i love seeing you thrive and I’m excited to follow you along your journey. kinda short and not as much as I wanted to say but I love you a lot .
i love you SO MUCH and i am SO proud of you always
Thank you so much for posting this! I’m in recover too and it definitely is the hardest thing ever. You aren’t alone and WE LOVE YOU 🥰
im so fucking proud of Vanessa 😭❤️🥺
and the fact that she helps all of us smmmm by sharing her experiences
i sobbed the whole video. i'm so so proud of you bby. i love you endlessly!! thank you for this!
"who just wanted someone to love her so she didn't have to go through the long process to reloving herself". That hit me a little too hard.
Thank you for making these videos and showing the yourself at your most vulnerable, it takes a lot of courage and strength to do so. I need these sort of videos once in a while to remind myself of what actually matters.
you are so strong. it can be scary, but you are so tough and you can get over it. i am so proud of you
thank you for posting this. i cant even imagine how hard this was to film, edit and post for the world to see but i know it will help so many people. i’ve been following old bad habits of mine again and you posting your journey through recovery is so inspiring to get better again. thank you💗
I'm happy you were able to share this Nessa, you're so strong for doing this❤️Love and rooting for you🥰
not me balling, I’m so proud of you vanessa you deserve nothing but love and happiness, you are one of the strongest people I watch. your growth is so inspiring and beautiful.
VANESSA MAKES ME SO HAPPY WHEN SHE POSTS
Hi Vanessa! I just want to tell you that you are so strong, and that you are NOT alone. As someone who is also in recovery, i know how hard it is. I know that sometimes you just want to give up. But just to let you know, it is so worth it. You are beautiful just the way you are, and we all love you so much! I am so glad you decided to fight for it, and it WILL keep getting better.
i never realized that there may be a possibility in developing an ED until literally this week. thank you for making this video it really helped me realize that i can’t let whatever my mind is telling me. i’m not getting fat and i don’t need to skip meals or eat less to be happy. ilysm :)
you don’t understand how grateful I am for you making this
I know this sentence is going to be the minimum and least i could say , and i do want to say alot but this is something I feel is all you need to remember, “ everything is going to be okay “ ❤️
This is such a real speech about eds, this is exactly how I feel too, you always find the wright words to express what eds really are about, thank you for that.
Love you