The irony is that by acting like a coward and running from their problems, and choosing superficial or abusive relationships over emotional intimacy because it makes them feel "safe", they only prove their defectiveness, not heal from it.
Its always the avoidants that come on comments and label everyone for being "anxious". Hilarious cope. It doesnt mirror anything psychobabbling people. Avoidants are created by a lack of emotional nurture.
Coach Ryan I have listened to hours and hours of your videos. They have helped me so much but also made me sad for those who are still having to endure the pain and hurt. It's the holiday season which lasts to 1 week. For those of you who are hurting, lost and lovely I say this, "To hell with DA" and move on. Don't contact them no matter what. 2025 is a new beginning.
Ryan - you’ve got me sobbing like a baby on Xmas Day because this video answered a question I’ve agonised over for 25 YEARS ie why did the love of my life abandon our fantastic relationship and (I’m guessing) return to his estranged wife who treats him like sh*t? She doesn’t want him but she doesn’t want anyone else to have him, and he’s happy being puppeted by her and his domineering mother. Well it all makes sense now. I’ve blamed myself for not being good enough for all these years, unaware that the issue was with HIM and not me. Thanks to this video I’ve been set free from my emotional cage and can try and find my self-worth again that’s been in ruins for so long. I’ll be forever grateful. Happy Christmas.
I don’t care about their feelings or issues! I was crushed by this person and left broken 😞! I don’t want to see or hear from them ever again! I am still trying to heal from the trauma that they had caused me!!!!
I am in my 70's and dated this severely avoidant man back in my 20's. It literally crushed my soul!!! I just adored him! Pined over him for years and years on end before I found out what was wrong with him (thanks, UA-cam!). Most TRAUMATIC crushing experience of my life!!! Save yourself, folks, and RUN RUN RUN if you meet up with someone like this!
Dating an avoidant will definitely change you. I know it has made me more emotionally guarded (I’m still emotionally available to the right person). In addition, my ex DA GF helped me to see my weaknesses that she exposed in me and I am now tightening up and improving my whole approach to dating and relationships.
This makes so much sense. My ex who I was starting to develop a deep and genuine connection with, left me for some girl, 3 days into moving to a new city. He committed into a serious relationship with her and when she moved to Dubai and he went to visit her, he found out that she was cheating on him with several men. I always wondered why he didn’t want to commit to me but wanted to marry a woman who just ended up cheating on him. He probably felt safe in a superficial relationship with no real connection otherwise she wouldn’t have cheated on him. I did nothing but give him love and patience and forgiveness and loyalty but he threw it away by lack of communication even when we tried again this year. I’m done for good. No wonder he’s only been in toxic relationships
He got what we wanted …. and then some. They don’t like that ‘then some’ part. If the avoidant want a relationship where they feel like they are not pressed for labels, commitment, they can come and go as they please, those relationships are going to either be toxic and abusive or simply lack any real connection that will keep them together. The two avoidant women I dated, they got crazy when closeness and intimacy increased and decided to step outside of the relationship and entertain other men. Of course, they are not in committed relationships because no one is going to tolerate that nonsense long term unless they are toxic and abusive towards the avoidant and still they won’t last long.
@@Faith-sr8zw that’s karma! He experienced the same excruciating pain you experienced when he left you. But yes, at the end it’s his life and he’s grown man and can reflect what he really wants and if he wants to be in a long-term committed relationship but a relationship which is very respectful where give and take is balanced between the two partners.
I was never anxious until I met my avoidant ex wife. I was never the anxious one in any relationship until her. Idk how I ended up with her. She changed.
Oh but when you (Anxious) wake up and realize the 💩 show you have been a part of, there is no turning back. Once you are done and ready for change, that’s when the Avoidant’s show is over.
It should also be noted that DA’s will say they’re ready for a committed relationship, but they actually prefer short lived romances. They’re known to be easily influenced by movies and television, taking their social cues from fiction. Fictional characters will inspire them to participate in a love story fantasy . And if their real life relationships don’t resemble what they’ve seen on their favorite shows, they will end the real life relationship. Sounds crazy, but it really is a thing with DA’s. I think maybe because the television took the place of a neglectful parent.
Key point: don't "dumb" yourself down to appease an avoidant. There behavior is absolutely an unhealthy coping mechanism...and to keep using that as your excuse to be a stonewalling coward is played out. Time to heal your childhood wounds and grow up.
This holiday season, I am mourning the loss of 2 relationships with an avoidant best friend and avoidant/narc family member. I did everything right, but made the mistake of having my own needs and boundaries. I’m absolutely exhausted. Only emotionally available people (not just romantic) in my life from 2025 on. Hard pass on everyone else.
Meh, who cares? They need to figure themselves out and fix themselves instead of wasting everyone’s time. Also quite sick of people making excuses for avoidant people having a difficult time growing up etc. Everyone has their own problems but that doesn’t validate being a jerk.
True, but sometimes this works on an unconscious level. That’s why attachment is so important in infancy. It re-wires the brain to look for threat if not securely attached.
Thank-you for this explanation. This happened to me and it was so upsetting at the time; it made me jealous, even though, after awhile, I was able to see that he was only interested in the party women who liked to drink and be foolish and immature. Thank-you for providing the last piece of the puzzle for me. It will help.
Of all the things, this one feels the worst. She can’t talk to me because she’s ’too overwhelmed’ but later that day posts group photos of her at a party!? Wtf!?
Thank you for this video, this was so helpful and also painful to watch, for the reason I already recognized this with the last man I fell in love with and we ended up nowhere, and this video confirmed exactly why that was. Wow thank you again.
You can watch a thousand different UA-cam videos and get a thousand different reasons why the avoidant dumped you, I think they're all probably correct. There's absolutely no winning with them.
Man so true it's crazy most of them will be by themselves for life because they don't get help they go from person to person keep doing this they could get hurt or killed playing with people's hearts and minds and emotions
Yeah, exactly not many people forgive. If this kind of persons in their cycle of jumping from relationship to another meet a toxic psychopath who is a narcissist....this becomes the end of them.
I’m with someone who won’t let me move in with her. Yet she contacts me like we’re a serious couple and I spend most my days off with her. It’s hard because I live an hours drive away and it costs me a lot to keep traveling there. There is no end in sight and she just wants to keep things as it is indefinitely it seems. She has some male fans in orbit on Facebook and back up plans I’m sure. I still have never made her profile picture and we rarely have photos taken yet she documents everything with friends.
I just hope one day he’s able to look back and see that he was safe with me and how much I loved and cared and put him first, everything was to make him feel good and safe and to know he was loved and special
Attachment theory says avoidants are pulled in by open hearted anxious attachment. You are the only attachment theory UA-camr that I ever hear that asserts that avoidants are attracted to other avoidants.
I believe I can attest to the validity of this phenomenon. My fiancée exhibits many DA tendencies and her ex husband of 13 years undoubtedly "let her feel safe" by not demanding a strong emotional connection with her. However, since we've been together... her emotional intelligence and overall bandwidth for vulnerable interactions has grown tenfold. Obviously, this hasn't been an easy journey... but well worth it. She's a wonderful person and my sentiment towards the "selfish DA" have changed in the years since we've been together.
So it’s important to note that he doesn’t say avoidants are attracted to other avoidants and narcissists. What he’s saying is that when avoidants enter relationships with people like this, they tend to long haul it because they feel safe in these familiar environments where they’re devalued by toxic partners. There’s no emotional intimacy in these relationships so the avoidant doesn’t have to feel vulnerable. The kitsch here is that these relationships are emotionally unfulfilling so they don’t really live on either. Avoidants, like all people, desire emotional connection and intimacy.
Now, I'm trying to figure out what "too deep" is. For instance, what kinds of questions and communication is considered "too deep" by avoidants when he gets triggered just by being in the same room with me? He will volunteer to do something for me, then not show up to do it and blame the fact that he didn't show up on me. Or he'd insist on helping me with my few bags of pre-washed recycling by taking it to the recycling center not ten minutes away from my house but when we get there, he's mumbling under his breath about how he'll never do that again as if he had to actually go twenty miles or more to some big, nasty place. What is too deep when dude is turned on/triggered by you on sight?
@@captasn4359 Oh yeah, I firmly believe that his mother messed him up royally. I've known him for decades and he's generally a nice, big, goofy dude that comes off like he wouldn't hurt a fly but then, he does something that's so mean that it's what I call 'inappropriately cruel' because it's just so unnecessary and something you'd never think in a million years that someone would do to you. Especially not someone you'd just hung out with, or someone you'd just welcomed into your home. And yet, he wonders why he's so lonely. I'd like to explain the avoidant behavior to him so that he can find some contentment before he leaves this earth, but I'm afraid he'd just get triggered by me and every word to come out of my mouth. It would be a waste of my time and, let me just say it, boring as hell. The choosing of the words, the making sure that I don't sound critical...Lordy, it would be worse than trying to hold an adult conversation with a three-year old.
@@sherrymshephard-massat5929 If this is just your friend then bring it up but it sounds like it is not. So you have your hands tied. you can’t explain avoidant behavior to an avoidant. They’ll just avoid it especially if you’re a love interest AND he’s a male. Only a therapist extremely well versed in AT can help.
@@sherrymshephard-massat5929That is almost certainly a waste of time and from the sound of it, just a way to get yourself hurt unnecessarily. I’d just cut contact and move on, plenty of people who don’t act like that. Even people who’ve gone through terrible, terrible things who don’t act like that. Understand you can’t make anyone change, that’s something they have to do for themselves. You can help, but only if they want your help. It sounds like bro doesn’t even wanna be in your presence, let alone your help. Be free of that tumor, it sounds miserable honestly.
@@blackmambo8702 Yeah, this is the same avoidant guy who claims to not want to be around me, but who shows up at my house and stays for four hours literally, just to chit chat. I just let him talk because I have known him for decades and I know what he's missed out on in life as opposed to what I've enjoyed. But we grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same college, know a lot of the same people, and I know how badly his mother treated him not to mention how his father must've allowed the treatment to continue. I open my door to friendship with him and I call him my friend because of our history. Now, that doesn't mean that we'd be romantically involved again, but it does mean that if he calls and asks if he can drop by, as he's been known to do, if I'm not busy, I'd let him because I now know what his issue is and where it most likely comes from. Don't call him the next week just to ask if he's doing better because that's when he goes into ghosting mode. I can now listen differently and, when I can sneak it in the conversation, I can bring up terms like 'avoidant' and 'triggered behavior'. It was miserable when I DIDN'T know what his problem is.
Not related to the subject, but i just wanted to say that you are so pretty in your profile Pic! I hope he treats you well. Relationships are complicated
Makes so much sense. I met someone that I know definitely likes and is attracted to me. At the early stages of our encounter he asked me a question if would be okay with him golfing every Sunday. Which I wouldn't, however if something really important to me comes up, would you not golf to attend with me. See, I realized, he was looking for someone to be okay with his bread crumbs. I feel in the past women did. Then got tired of his bread crumbs. I know he feels deeply, but don't want to commit to me. It's the weirdest thing. I actually thinks he loves me. We haven't had sex and on and off for a year. I recently told him I was tired, and haven't spoken in several weeks.
He wanted to golf on Sundays and you felt like that was breadcrumbing? I'm confused. Is Sundays your only day off from work? ...He wasn't free the other 6 days? Or was it that you weren't free those other days? Respectfully not arguing, just trying to get some understanding.
@daniellediaz2516 sure, I can explain better. He is self employed. We live about an hour and a half away from each other. He loves watching sports and playing golf. I absolutely don't want to change him. He has said in the past he made it clear that he played golf every Sunday. And afterwards he watches football all day. Fine. However, am I just as important as everything else? Our last conversation we had, he said he missed placed his phone over the weekend. However he he did eventually called. When I called him back he didn't answer. So when we spoke I said, yeah I called you back. He said, I was watching football game. That was the last straw. I listened to what he said about past relationships. They got tired of the breadcrumbing. There hasn't been any sex. Im very happy about that. I know he's into me. His body language says what his words don't. All I want is balance and to feel just as special as a football game or a round of golf.
so there would be no regrets from their side at all?none? I mean if you leave a great person for you shouldnt it leave a mark atleast something in their mind? I mean how is it possible to feel just so much emotional depth and just be cold later?How is it possible to be so in emotion but still eventually be so cold
I think because they don’t have empathy and became (make themselves) numb (to protect themselves) due to their traumas. People cope with their traumas in their own ways. They are constantly in defense and survival mode. They are attracted to people they need to prove their worth to.
@@kaybase6967 i also feel at the same time they leave the people who make their realities feel exposed to the world realities which seem little to the rest but makes them feel inferior to everyone and flawed.
From narcs you get at least love bombing and good sex on the beginning, from DAs even those not. Run away from both in first cycle of their abuse cycle.
My avoidant ex stayed on a dating app even after our relationship became official, as I found out later. He denies ever meeting anyone in person. What do you think? On this particular dating app, women are the ones who message men first, which makes the validation even stronger.
My ex avoidant also cheated on me that's he is ex already. He used all possible dating apps and dated and slept with others. When I got a feeling that something wrong and checked his phone I was destroyed of seeing army of ladies in his WhatsApp and how he texted to them with "kisses" and "i want to meet you again". Even sent options for the flight tickets for the girl abroad to visit him. It was the terriblest experience in my life. I escalated a hugh scandal and dumped him at once. Since that time I avoid avoidants. Pity to waist the time with such unrespectful and cold people
I broke up with someone who I believe was avoidant. It was because they started devaluing me by flat out ignoring me and saying things like “its not like youre the only guy in the world”. She was the one who pushed for the official relationship with titles and stuff and said she didnt want anything casual. We reconnected years later and she told me she had recently left a “situationship”. I asked her why she couldnt just be in a casual situation with me, no pressure. No response. I wonder why…
It’s like dating two different people. They generally start out open and bonding but when that relationship requires closeness and intimacy, they switch to being full on avoidant and begin to look for ways to sabotage and eventually leave the relationship.
When someone starts saying red flag stuff like “it’s not like you’re the only guy out there”, that’s a clear indication of how little they value you. Great on you to pick that up and instead of trying to convince her to see you in another light, you broke up with her.
Yeah, bc a toxic or even abusive relationship must feel so safe... I just don't get it, seems a lot worse to me. Btw, I've grown up under those types of circumstances but I've had therapy for years and worked on myself in all ways possible to find me and my own worth. I don't put my trauma on someone else to then have to deal with, certainly don't want to do that to a great person.
I think he meant feeling safe as in it's in the comfort zone. People can be used to being abused/neglected etc coz of childhood trauma. Maybe this analogy helps, if someone has been sleeping in mud since childhood, they're used to it, comfortable in it. If they sleep somewhere clean and dry, although objectively it's safer and more comfortable, but they won't feel comfortable coz it's outside their comfort zone
@@3omar3aysha Tnx, but trust me, I understand all that perfectly, I get human psychology pretty well, thank you. Not my point, that you're missing/ignoring (often the case with marked replies, interestingly enough...): I was just asking out loud if it's that much safer to be in a toxic/abusive relationship (as many are, I've known a few personally). Because the avoidant is all about control, which is the last thing you have in those types of relationships, again, it just doesn't make sense
You’re so accurate! We have a whole generation of men who wear masks - they behave like confident, charming, charismatic, career-driven Alpha males but it’s all a lie: in reality they are coercively controlled mummy’s boys (so you will never be the No.1 woman in his life) anxious to tow the family line. They are emotionally unavailable, terrified of commitment due to having been bled dry financially by their ex - and will suddenly abandon you at the point they’re about to be found out! Dating 2024-25 is a minefield!
I'm curios of some opinions. I'm dating an avoidant girl. She recently texted that she didn't feel she could give the level of commitment I was looking for and that I wanted "more" in general. The day after we had a talk about it and she ended up saying "we don't have to decide everything tonight". Right after we spent the weekend together as if everything was normal. I'm just wondering if she really likes or afraid to end it for good.
Dating how long? How do you know she is an avoidant? Dating is a time to take slow and size each other up… the fact that you are worrying brings up further questions. Why are you actively pursuing an avoidant person?
I think she wants a commitment with you but she's struggling to feel wanted. She also sounds like she just wants to control the situation so she doesn't feel rejected. I wouldn't bother with her. She's going to keep pulling and pushing you, leaving you feeling exhausted
@@Dalabombana Dating for six months. During the last month she has pulled away (also due to other life situations) and we have talked, where she also mentioned the avoidant behaviour. Its only during the last month I've seen that side of her, before that it was really good, hence I didn't realise she's an avoidant person.
@@Knud451 ah ok that’s more context and 6 months is more serious than a few weeks. My advice is to keep centred while she is pulling away, do not chase, cling or become needy. Use the time to evaluate how you feel about the relationship with her. Keep more busy than usual. If she is worth it, she will stick around. But no chasing in the world will make an avoidant commit it will only speed up process. That’s if you want a relationship with her. It already sounds out of kilter which is your first flag. Do you want to waste your energy? These are questions you need to spend time alone clarifying.
Yes! Think of it as the feeling is SO big, they can't see the edges of the feeling anymore, and because they can't see the edges, it looks like nothing is there.
Ok this was my exact situation. I was the side chick to his 40 year committed relationship (I know, I know, don't judge me, I know it was wrong but he made out he was unhappy and about to leave), he committed to her for 40 YEARS plus she was also really unattractive and boring. He would not commit to me. I was very loving and open and he got scared.
This sounds like my situation. Except they've been together 19 years. I actually dated him first, though. He and I met and dated in 1993 to 94 (we were teens). We reconnected as adults in 2004 and was seeing each other, but he wouldn't commit to a title. He wanted to "go with the flow" (His exact words). 10 months later, he ghosted me and got into a relationship with her. And then we reconnected AGAIN, (and that's when I actually found out about her). He's been miserable with her ever since. We've been off & on for the last 20 yrs. Currently off.
As a DA, this post is the opposite of how I feel. I trust people who are open, honest, and genuine far more quickly and I am far more open with them. I feel more relaxed around them and reciprocate their openness. As long as I can tell that they are genuine and not a potential narc who is going to use my vulnerabilities against me its all good. Its when people get clingy, needy, pushy, demanding, manipulative, or try and bulldoze a DA into a commitment or move things along too fast, or try and make the DA responsible for their feelings, that the DA hits the breaks, does a 180, needs space, puts up boundaries, shuts down, or does a runner. And yes, I had a 14 year relationship with a psychopath, and can confirm that the lack of 'emotional availability' and the fact that he looked after his own emotional needs and didnt need to be with me or text me 24/7 was very refreshing, enjoyable and attractive.
I think it depends. What you’re saying is right - both as someone who feels they are avoidant and just generally avoids relationships. I don’t trust easily but when I can, I trust them quickly and reciprocate. However - from my experience on the receiving end of the only person I trusted and felt strongly enough to ask out(self admitted FA/disorganized) after about ~3 months of waiting for an answer: “I think I'll have to reject you, not because I don't like you and think it wouldn't work but moreso because of the fact I do view you so highly and really care for you. I'm very pessimistic about romantic relationships and them working out so when I get into them I wholeheartedly believe if they fail I'll lose the person so I will only date people I'm okay/ready to lose if it came to that. I really don't wanna lose someone who means so much to me or ruin what we currently have with my clumsy decisions. I really hope this doesn't sound like a shit excuse @#@“ Then the next day she was telling me she almost dated someone else but stopped because he was ugly. Said person was someone she would only say bad things about and legitimately hated. It’s only anecdotal, but it’s definitely a prevalent thought process if he got it nearly word for word lol.
The issue we are experiencing with avoidants are that they start getting demanding. Wanting more , become exclusive, question your time you spend with them. Soon as you reciprocate they dissappear.
This is all bullshit. We attract the love we believe we deserve. So if youve attracted an avoidant likelihood is they're mirroring your own wounds in some way, but avoidants get the blame for bloody everything! If youve attracted an avoidant deal with your own wounds and stop projecting onto them!
You're wrong. We attract what was shown to us in childhood by our caretakers. Not the love we "think we deserve". Majority of people who date avoidants are anxious attachment people pleasers because they learned to be as children because of their avoidant parents. Stop projecting responsibility. Takes two to tango and both sides need to work on their attachment wounds.
So why can i be ready yo commitment and they don't even when the relationship was really nice ? My last special conection was with someone that thought i was too "non toxic" and responsable, and she left me suddenly for a guy that was known as unloyal with his partners. My Childhood was really beautiful, hers wasnt.
Exactly @@illusione_xx , they shouldn’t be enabled. They need to get therapy and work on themselves before being with an unsuspecting , innocent partner. They think a relationship will solve their problems. The person they are with shouldn’t be to blame for their own inadequacies. This video seems like it’s making excuses for bad behavior.
This actually makes me feel worse about the break. I'm doing everything right and seen as special yet its still not good enough..?? Would I have been better off being emotionally unavailable? that way I might still be with her now.. and not suffering all this pain. 🫤
No because at the end of the day avoidants do want emotional intimacy. Superficial relationships leave them unfulfilled and eventually deteriorate due to a lack of emotional investment.
@atmodlee Thanks. I thought as much. She used to say how bad her previous relationships were, and that she had been abused. And she was in a complicated "part-time" relationship when I first met her, which she was fed up of. I just thought that if I showed her love and that she was worthy of such, that maybe I'd make her happy as I was giving her what she wanted. I'm now learning that I thought wrong.
Nah mate.. there was no golden strategy to win her over. No matter what you could've done.. you'd have lost her. These avoidants can't have healthy bonds. Not with you. Not with the next guy. Not with anyone. Be glad its over. Every path you could've taken with her would've lead to that end. You are and were good enough. Just that this means nothing with avoidants The sole fact that you were there at all is too much for them to handle.
The irony is that by acting like a coward and running from their problems, and choosing superficial or abusive relationships over emotional intimacy because it makes them feel "safe", they only prove their defectiveness, not heal from it.
For them it's about _feeling_ safe, not *being* actually.
Boom. Mic drop.
If you’re anxious it mirrors the behavior of who originally abused them. Thats why.
@@taylorbee4010
where did you read that avoidants are raised by anxious parents?
Its always the avoidants that come on comments and label everyone for being "anxious". Hilarious cope. It doesnt mirror anything psychobabbling people. Avoidants are created by a lack of emotional nurture.
Coach Ryan I have listened to hours and hours of your videos. They have helped me so much but also made me sad for those who are still having to endure the pain and hurt. It's the holiday season which lasts to 1 week. For those of you who are hurting, lost and lovely I say this, "To hell with DA" and move on. Don't contact them no matter what. 2025 is a new beginning.
Amen to that never again!!! 🙏❤
Ryan - you’ve got me sobbing like a baby on Xmas Day because this video answered a question I’ve agonised over for 25 YEARS ie why did the love of my life abandon our fantastic relationship and (I’m guessing) return to his estranged wife who treats him like sh*t? She doesn’t want him but she doesn’t want anyone else to have him, and he’s happy being puppeted by her and his domineering mother. Well it all makes sense now. I’ve blamed myself for not being good enough for all these years, unaware that the issue was with HIM and not me. Thanks to this video I’ve been set free from my emotional cage and can try and find my self-worth again that’s been in ruins for so long. I’ll be forever grateful. Happy Christmas.
I relate so much to your story ☹
So do i
I don’t care about their feelings or issues! I was crushed by this person and left broken 😞! I don’t want to see or hear from them ever again! I am still trying to heal from the trauma that they had caused me!!!!
I feel you! ❤
I am in my 70's and dated this severely avoidant man back in my 20's. It literally crushed my soul!!! I just adored him! Pined over him for years and years on end before I found out what was wrong with him (thanks, UA-cam!). Most TRAUMATIC crushing experience of my life!!! Save yourself, folks, and RUN RUN RUN if you meet up with someone like this!
Dating an avoidant will definitely change you. I know it has made me more emotionally guarded (I’m still emotionally available to the right person). In addition, my ex DA GF helped me to see my weaknesses that she exposed in me and I am now tightening up and improving my whole approach to dating and relationships.
Hanging out with one of them is not a relationship of any kind. It is a kind of care work.
This makes so much sense. My ex who I was starting to develop a deep and genuine connection with, left me for some girl, 3 days into moving to a new city. He committed into a serious relationship with her and when she moved to Dubai and he went to visit her, he found out that she was cheating on him with several men. I always wondered why he didn’t want to commit to me but wanted to marry a woman who just ended up cheating on him. He probably felt safe in a superficial relationship with no real connection otherwise she wouldn’t have cheated on him. I did nothing but give him love and patience and forgiveness and loyalty but he threw it away by lack of communication even when we tried again this year. I’m done for good. No wonder he’s only been in toxic relationships
He wanted to marry her.. but said to me he doesn’t believe in marriage
He got what we wanted …. and then some. They don’t like that ‘then some’ part. If the avoidant want a relationship where they feel like they are not pressed for labels, commitment, they can come and go as they please, those relationships are going to either be toxic and abusive or simply lack any real connection that will keep them together. The two avoidant women I dated, they got crazy when closeness and intimacy increased and decided to step outside of the relationship and entertain other men. Of course, they are not in committed relationships because no one is going to tolerate that nonsense long term unless they are toxic and abusive towards the avoidant and still they won’t last long.
@@Faith-sr8zw that’s karma! He experienced the same excruciating pain you experienced when he left you. But yes, at the end it’s his life and he’s grown man and can reflect what he really wants and if he wants to be in a long-term committed relationship but a relationship which is very respectful where give and take is balanced between the two partners.
A history of long-term, committed relationships with toxic women, but with the best woman he's ever met....no.
I have discovered that avoidants prefer anxious people pleasing dogs, and anxious types prefer aloof independent avoidant cats.
Nailed it.
I was never anxious until I met my avoidant ex wife. I was never the anxious one in any relationship until her. Idk how I ended up with her. She changed.
Oh but when you (Anxious) wake up and realize the 💩 show you have been a part of, there is no turning back. Once you are done and ready for change, that’s when the Avoidant’s show is over.
It should also be noted that DA’s will say they’re ready for a committed relationship, but they actually prefer short lived romances.
They’re known to be easily influenced by movies and television, taking their social cues from fiction. Fictional characters will inspire them to participate in a love story fantasy . And if their real life relationships don’t resemble what they’ve seen on their favorite shows, they will end the real life relationship. Sounds crazy, but it really is a thing with DA’s. I think maybe because the television took the place of a neglectful parent.
Is that why my partner prefers tv, shows, and even po*n over me? Is that what you are saying?
they need warning signs " stay away if you dont want to be traumatized" smh
Key point: don't "dumb" yourself down to appease an avoidant. There behavior is absolutely an unhealthy coping mechanism...and to keep using that as your excuse to be a stonewalling coward is played out. Time to heal your childhood wounds and grow up.
This holiday season, I am mourning the loss of 2 relationships with an avoidant best friend and avoidant/narc family member. I did everything right, but made the mistake of having my own needs and boundaries. I’m absolutely exhausted. Only emotionally available people (not just romantic) in my life from 2025 on. Hard pass on everyone else.
Having boundaries was no mistake. You deserved better and yeah. Only choose avaoilable people now. Pass the rest. They are not worth your time.
Same here. :)
She treats me so disrespectfully that it's very hard to believe that she sees me as "special", or in such high regard.
I share that same thought
good point .. because the severe avoidant I dated (shortly), was avoidant as hell but she never disrespected me.
This blew my mind! This is something I’ve always known but could not contextualize. Thank you so much for your work!
that is some of the most freeing, yet damaging information I have ever received
Meh, who cares? They need to figure themselves out and fix themselves instead of wasting everyone’s time. Also quite sick of people making excuses for avoidant people having a difficult time growing up etc. Everyone has their own problems but that doesn’t validate being a jerk.
True, but sometimes this works on an unconscious level. That’s why attachment is so important in infancy. It re-wires the brain to look for threat if not securely attached.
Thank-you for this explanation. This happened to me and it was so upsetting at the time; it made me jealous, even though, after awhile, I was able to see that he was only interested in the party women who liked to drink and be foolish and immature. Thank-you for providing the last piece of the puzzle for me. It will help.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you. Couldn't have come at a better time!
This message is so needed, esp around the holidays! ✊🏼
Of all the things, this one feels the worst. She can’t talk to me because she’s ’too overwhelmed’ but later that day posts group photos of her at a party!? Wtf!?
Normal avoidant behavior. Party is superficial, that's why.
Thank you for this video, this was so helpful and also painful to watch, for the reason I already recognized this with the last man I fell in love with and we ended up nowhere, and this video confirmed exactly why that was. Wow thank you again.
You can watch a thousand different UA-cam videos and get a thousand different reasons why the avoidant dumped you, I think they're all probably correct. There's absolutely no winning with them.
I am a very open person who values deep connection. I am in the minority by an overwhelming margin.
This makes so much sense and explains so much. ❤
Man so true it's crazy most of them will be by themselves for life because they don't get help they go from person to person keep doing this they could get hurt or killed playing with people's hearts and minds and emotions
I think my ex DA was trying to kill himself with alcohol.
Yeah, exactly not many people forgive. If this kind of persons in their cycle of jumping from relationship to another meet a toxic psychopath who is a narcissist....this becomes the end of them.
Mine is suicidal. They aren’t happy.
I have a similar thought about my ex DA GF that she is going to run into one she lies, cheats on, etc and he will find out and go to extremes.
I’m with someone who won’t let me move in with her. Yet she contacts me like we’re a serious couple and I spend most my days off with her. It’s hard because I live an hours drive away and it costs me a lot to keep traveling there. There is no end in sight and she just wants to keep things as it is indefinitely it seems. She has some male fans in orbit on Facebook and back up plans I’m sure. I still have never made her profile picture and we rarely have photos taken yet she documents everything with friends.
This was a great Christmas morning gift. Thank you!
You hit the nail right on the head. Very helpful thanks.
Geez, this is textbook a guy I was into. It’s interesting how they all exhibit pretty much the same patterns.
This makes so much sense thank you
I just hope one day he’s able to look back and see that he was safe with me and how much I loved and cared and put him first, everything was to make him feel good and safe and to know he was loved and special
Attachment theory says avoidants are pulled in by open hearted anxious attachment.
You are the only attachment theory UA-camr that I ever hear that asserts that avoidants are attracted to other avoidants.
I believe I can attest to the validity of this phenomenon. My fiancée exhibits many DA tendencies and her ex husband of 13 years undoubtedly "let her feel safe" by not demanding a strong emotional connection with her. However, since we've been together... her emotional intelligence and overall bandwidth for vulnerable interactions has grown tenfold. Obviously, this hasn't been an easy journey... but well worth it. She's a wonderful person and my sentiment towards the "selfish DA" have changed in the years since we've been together.
So it’s important to note that he doesn’t say avoidants are attracted to other avoidants and narcissists. What he’s saying is that when avoidants enter relationships with people like this, they tend to long haul it because they feel safe in these familiar environments where they’re devalued by toxic partners. There’s no emotional intimacy in these relationships so the avoidant doesn’t have to feel vulnerable. The kitsch here is that these relationships are emotionally unfulfilling so they don’t really live on either. Avoidants, like all people, desire emotional connection and intimacy.
This is a excellent explanation. Thank you.
Now, I'm trying to figure out what "too deep" is. For instance, what kinds of questions and communication is considered "too deep" by avoidants when he gets triggered just by being in the same room with me? He will volunteer to do something for me, then not show up to do it and blame the fact that he didn't show up on me. Or he'd insist on helping me with my few bags of pre-washed recycling by taking it to the recycling center not ten minutes away from my house but when we get there, he's mumbling under his breath about how he'll never do that again as if he had to actually go twenty miles or more to some big, nasty place. What is too deep when dude is turned on/triggered by you on sight?
From what you described you may want to eject from this one. Sounds like there’s way more going on
@@captasn4359 Oh yeah, I firmly believe that his mother messed him up royally. I've known him for decades and he's generally a nice, big, goofy dude that comes off like he wouldn't hurt a fly but then, he does something that's so mean that it's what I call 'inappropriately cruel' because it's just so unnecessary and something you'd never think in a million years that someone would do to you. Especially not someone you'd just hung out with, or someone you'd just welcomed into your home. And yet, he wonders why he's so lonely. I'd like to explain the avoidant behavior to him so that he can find some contentment before he leaves this earth, but I'm afraid he'd just get triggered by me and every word to come out of my mouth. It would be a waste of my time and, let me just say it, boring as hell. The choosing of the words, the making sure that I don't sound critical...Lordy, it would be worse than trying to hold an adult conversation with a three-year old.
@@sherrymshephard-massat5929 If this is just your friend then bring it up but it sounds like it is not. So you have your hands tied.
you can’t explain avoidant behavior to an avoidant. They’ll just avoid it especially if you’re a love interest AND he’s a male. Only a therapist extremely well versed in AT can help.
@@sherrymshephard-massat5929That is almost certainly a waste of time and from the sound of it, just a way to get yourself hurt unnecessarily. I’d just cut contact and move on, plenty of people who don’t act like that. Even people who’ve gone through terrible, terrible things who don’t act like that. Understand you can’t make anyone change, that’s something they have to do for themselves. You can help, but only if they want your help. It sounds like bro doesn’t even wanna be in your presence, let alone your help. Be free of that tumor, it sounds miserable honestly.
@@blackmambo8702 Yeah, this is the same avoidant guy who claims to not want to be around me, but who shows up at my house and stays for four hours literally, just to chit chat. I just let him talk because I have known him for decades and I know what he's missed out on in life as opposed to what I've enjoyed. But we grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same college, know a lot of the same people, and I know how badly his mother treated him not to mention how his father must've allowed the treatment to continue. I open my door to friendship with him and I call him my friend because of our history. Now, that doesn't mean that we'd be romantically involved again, but it does mean that if he calls and asks if he can drop by, as he's been known to do, if I'm not busy, I'd let him because I now know what his issue is and where it most likely comes from. Don't call him the next week just to ask if he's doing better because that's when he goes into ghosting mode. I can now listen differently and, when I can sneak it in the conversation, I can bring up terms like 'avoidant' and 'triggered behavior'. It was miserable when I DIDN'T know what his problem is.
This video explains sooo much with my love!! I understand him now. It puts so much into perspective.
Not related to the subject, but i just wanted to say that you are so pretty in your profile Pic! I hope he treats you well. Relationships are complicated
@ Awww!! Thank you so much! I appreciate that!☺️🫶🏾
He doesn't see me as "special". He sees me as garbage.
Thank you! 🤍
It makes sense now. Thank you a lot.
This helped, thanks 😅
Thank-you so much for explaining the "why" of what he did. It will help me to calm and control my jealousy; I have prayed for for exactly this help.
You nailed it! Thanks...
Makes so much sense. I met someone that I know definitely likes and is attracted to me. At the early stages of our encounter he asked me a question if would be okay with him golfing every Sunday. Which I wouldn't, however if something really important to me comes up, would you not golf to attend with me. See, I realized, he was looking for someone to be okay with his bread crumbs. I feel in the past women did. Then got tired of his bread crumbs. I know he feels deeply, but don't want to commit to me. It's the weirdest thing. I actually thinks he loves me. We haven't had sex and on and off for a year. I recently told him I was tired, and haven't spoken in several weeks.
He wanted to golf on Sundays and you felt like that was breadcrumbing? I'm confused. Is Sundays your only day off from work? ...He wasn't free the other 6 days? Or was it that you weren't free those other days?
Respectfully not arguing, just trying to get some understanding.
@daniellediaz2516 sure, I can explain better. He is self employed. We live about an hour and a half away from each other. He loves watching sports and playing golf. I absolutely don't want to change him. He has said in the past he made it clear that he played golf every Sunday. And afterwards he watches football all day. Fine. However, am I just as important as everything else? Our last conversation we had, he said he missed placed his phone over the weekend. However he he did eventually called. When I called him back he didn't answer. So when we spoke I said, yeah I called you back. He said, I was watching football game. That was the last straw. I listened to what he said about past relationships. They got tired of the breadcrumbing. There hasn't been any sex. Im very happy about that. I know he's into me. His body language says what his words don't. All I want is balance and to feel just as special as a football game or a round of golf.
so there would be no regrets from their side at all?none? I mean if you leave a great person for you shouldnt it leave a mark atleast something in their mind? I mean how is it possible to feel just so much emotional depth and just be cold later?How is it possible to be so in emotion but still eventually be so cold
I think because they don’t have empathy and became (make themselves) numb (to protect themselves) due to their traumas. People cope with their traumas in their own ways. They are constantly in defense and survival mode. They are attracted to people they need to prove their worth to.
@@kaybase6967 i also feel at the same time they leave the people who make their realities feel exposed to the world realities which seem little to the rest but makes them feel inferior to everyone and flawed.
Thank you so much.
Avoid avoidants. Date a proper narcisist instead, the outcome will be the same
Absolutely
From narcs you get at least love bombing and good sex on the beginning, from DAs even those not. Run away from both in first cycle of their abuse cycle.
Same 😢
My avoidant ex stayed on a dating app even after our relationship became official, as I found out later. He denies ever meeting anyone in person. What do you think? On this particular dating app, women are the ones who message men first, which makes the validation even stronger.
How did you find out?
My ex avoidant also cheated on me that's he is ex already. He used all possible dating apps and dated and slept with others. When I got a feeling that something wrong and checked his phone I was destroyed of seeing army of ladies in his WhatsApp and how he texted to them with "kisses" and "i want to meet you again". Even sent options for the flight tickets for the girl abroad to visit him. It was the terriblest experience in my life. I escalated a hugh scandal and dumped him at once.
Since that time I avoid avoidants. Pity to waist the time with such unrespectful and cold people
@@astrolog_rite well done
I broke up with someone who I believe was avoidant. It was because they started devaluing me by flat out ignoring me and saying things like “its not like youre the only guy in the world”. She was the one who pushed for the official relationship with titles and stuff and said she didnt want anything casual. We reconnected years later and she told me she had recently left a “situationship”. I asked her why she couldnt just be in a casual situation with me, no pressure. No response. I wonder why…
It’s like dating two different people. They generally start out open and bonding but when that relationship requires closeness and intimacy, they switch to being full on avoidant and begin to look for ways to sabotage and eventually leave the relationship.
When someone starts saying red flag stuff like “it’s not like you’re the only guy out there”, that’s a clear indication of how little they value you. Great on you to pick that up and instead of trying to convince her to see you in another light, you broke up with her.
@@PuddyKatMan thank you. I was still confused by the whole situation, glad to have resources like this video.
Yeah, bc a toxic or even abusive relationship must feel so safe... I just don't get it, seems a lot worse to me.
Btw, I've grown up under those types of circumstances but I've had therapy for years and worked on myself in all ways possible to find me and my own worth. I don't put my trauma on someone else to then have to deal with, certainly don't want to do that to a great person.
I think he meant feeling safe as in it's in the comfort zone. People can be used to being abused/neglected etc coz of childhood trauma. Maybe this analogy helps, if someone has been sleeping in mud since childhood, they're used to it, comfortable in it. If they sleep somewhere clean and dry, although objectively it's safer and more comfortable, but they won't feel comfortable coz it's outside their comfort zone
@@3omar3aysha Tnx, but trust me, I understand all that perfectly, I get human psychology pretty well, thank you. Not my point, that you're missing/ignoring (often the case with marked replies, interestingly enough...): I was just asking out loud if it's that much safer to be in a toxic/abusive relationship (as many are, I've known a few personally). Because the avoidant is all about control, which is the last thing you have in those types of relationships, again, it just doesn't make sense
@moniquedekoning thanks for ignoring everything I said. Sorry for wasting my energy.
So true..tk u
This seems like a bunch of cope. I didn’t commit because they were doing things that made me doubt that my commitment would be respected or accepted.
It’s not just availability.
Nobody is special. We all are UNIQUE
Avoidant and narc has same roller coaster effect to a genuine person. Recent generation sucks. Move forward
You’re so accurate! We have a whole generation of men who wear masks - they behave like confident, charming, charismatic, career-driven Alpha males but it’s all a lie: in reality they are coercively controlled mummy’s boys (so you will never be the No.1 woman in his life) anxious to tow the family line. They are emotionally unavailable, terrified of commitment due to having been bled dry financially by their ex - and will suddenly abandon you at the point they’re about to be found out! Dating 2024-25 is a minefield!
@@EdelweisSusie do not make it about gender. You literally talk about the top 1% who are capable of that while 99% of women are ALL like that.
Would the Avoidant's preferred 'emotionally unavailable toxic partner' induce pangs of jealousy?
- is distance is a two-edged sword?
I'm curios of some opinions. I'm dating an avoidant girl. She recently texted that she didn't feel she could give the level of commitment I was looking for and that I wanted "more" in general. The day after we had a talk about it and she ended up saying "we don't have to decide everything tonight". Right after we spent the weekend together as if everything was normal. I'm just wondering if she really likes or afraid to end it for good.
Dating how long? How do you know she is an avoidant? Dating is a time to take slow and size each other up… the fact that you are worrying brings up further questions. Why are you actively pursuing an avoidant person?
I think she wants a commitment with you but she's struggling to feel wanted. She also sounds like she just wants to control the situation so she doesn't feel rejected. I wouldn't bother with her. She's going to keep pulling and pushing you, leaving you feeling exhausted
@@Dalabombana Dating for six months. During the last month she has pulled away (also due to other life situations) and we have talked, where she also mentioned the avoidant behaviour. Its only during the last month I've seen that side of her, before that it was really good, hence I didn't realise she's an avoidant person.
@@tracym6652 thanks! That's what I'm worried too. And also that if she doesn't want to commit more, what's the point in continuing.
@@Knud451 ah ok that’s more context and 6 months is more serious than a few weeks. My advice is to keep centred while she is pulling away, do not chase, cling or become needy. Use the time to evaluate how you feel about the relationship with her. Keep more busy than usual. If she is worth it, she will stick around. But no chasing in the world will make an avoidant commit it will only speed up process. That’s if you want a relationship with her. It already sounds out of kilter which is your first flag. Do you want to waste your energy? These are questions you need to spend time alone clarifying.
😢
So when I finally walked away they let me because I really was special to them. Rigggghhhhtttt.
And you can't walk and chew gum at the same time😅😅😅😂😂😂😮😢😊
Yes! Think of it as the feeling is SO big, they can't see the edges of the feeling anymore, and because they can't see the edges, it looks like nothing is there.
@takentoday 🙄
@@takentoday Poetic
Ok this was my exact situation. I was the side chick to his 40 year committed relationship (I know, I know, don't judge me, I know it was wrong but he made out he was unhappy and about to leave), he committed to her for 40 YEARS plus she was also really unattractive and boring. He would not commit to me. I was very loving and open and he got scared.
This sounds like my situation. Except they've been together 19 years. I actually dated him first, though. He and I met and dated in 1993 to 94 (we were teens). We reconnected as adults in 2004 and was seeing each other, but he wouldn't commit to a title. He wanted to "go with the flow" (His exact words). 10 months later, he ghosted me and got into a relationship with her. And then we reconnected AGAIN, (and that's when I actually found out about her). He's been miserable with her ever since. We've been off & on for the last 20 yrs. Currently off.
You were a side piece just convenient. It's sad he used you. But I don't think that makes him avoidant just a cheater.
As a DA, this post is the opposite of how I feel. I trust people who are open, honest, and genuine far more quickly and I am far more open with them. I feel more relaxed around them and reciprocate their openness. As long as I can tell that they are genuine and not a potential narc who is going to use my vulnerabilities against me its all good. Its when people get clingy, needy, pushy, demanding, manipulative, or try and bulldoze a DA into a commitment or move things along too fast, or try and make the DA responsible for their feelings, that the DA hits the breaks, does a 180, needs space, puts up boundaries, shuts down, or does a runner. And yes, I had a 14 year relationship with a psychopath, and can confirm that the lack of 'emotional availability' and the fact that he looked after his own emotional needs and didnt need to be with me or text me 24/7 was very refreshing, enjoyable and attractive.
I think it depends. What you’re saying is right - both as someone who feels they are avoidant and just generally avoids relationships. I don’t trust easily but when I can, I trust them quickly and reciprocate. However - from my experience on the receiving end of the only person I trusted and felt strongly enough to ask out(self admitted FA/disorganized) after about ~3 months of waiting for an answer:
“I think I'll have to reject you, not because I don't like you and think it wouldn't work but moreso because of the fact I do view you so highly and really care for you. I'm very pessimistic about romantic relationships and them working out so when I get into them I wholeheartedly believe if they fail I'll lose the person so I will only date people I'm okay/ready to lose if it came to that. I really don't wanna lose someone who means so much to me or ruin what we currently have with my clumsy decisions. I really hope this doesn't sound like a shit excuse @#@“
Then the next day she was telling me she almost dated someone else but stopped because he was ugly. Said person was someone she would only say bad things about and legitimately hated. It’s only anecdotal, but it’s definitely a prevalent thought process if he got it nearly word for word lol.
The issue we are experiencing with avoidants are that they start getting demanding. Wanting more , become exclusive, question your time you spend with them. Soon as you reciprocate they dissappear.
Now it makes sense why she always tells me that i am “good enough”. But still abruptly left
This is all bullshit. We attract the love we believe we deserve. So if youve attracted an avoidant likelihood is they're mirroring your own wounds in some way, but avoidants get the blame for bloody everything! If youve attracted an avoidant deal with your own wounds and stop projecting onto them!
You're wrong. We attract what was shown to us in childhood by our caretakers. Not the love we "think we deserve". Majority of people who date avoidants are anxious attachment people pleasers because they learned to be as children because of their avoidant parents. Stop projecting responsibility. Takes two to tango and both sides need to work on their attachment wounds.
@zlatkajupe you just reiterated what I said in different words.
So why can i be ready yo commitment and they don't even when the relationship was really nice ? My last special conection was with someone that thought i was too "non toxic" and responsable, and she left me suddenly for a guy that was known as unloyal with his partners. My Childhood was really beautiful, hers wasnt.
Ok but why are they avoidant? They are still unhealthy… regardless of my wounds
Exactly @@illusione_xx , they shouldn’t be enabled. They need to get therapy and work on themselves before being with an unsuspecting , innocent partner. They think a relationship will solve their problems. The person they are with shouldn’t be to blame for their own inadequacies. This video seems like it’s making excuses for bad behavior.
This actually makes me feel worse about the break. I'm doing everything right and seen as special yet its still not good enough..??
Would I have been better off being emotionally unavailable? that way I might still be with her now.. and not suffering all this pain. 🫤
No because at the end of the day avoidants do want emotional intimacy. Superficial relationships leave them unfulfilled and eventually deteriorate due to a lack of emotional investment.
@atmodlee Thanks. I thought as much. She used to say how bad her previous relationships were, and that she had been abused. And she was in a complicated "part-time" relationship when I first met her, which she was fed up of.
I just thought that if I showed her love and that she was worthy of such, that maybe I'd make her happy as I was giving her what she wanted. I'm now learning that I thought wrong.
You gotta be yourself though.
Nah mate.. there was no golden strategy to win her over. No matter what you could've done.. you'd have lost her. These avoidants can't have healthy bonds. Not with you. Not with the next guy. Not with anyone. Be glad its over. Every path you could've taken with her would've lead to that end. You are and were good enough. Just that this means nothing with avoidants
The sole fact that you were there at all is too much for them to handle.
@earlgrey2130 appreciate that, thank you.