Narcissists and ...
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- Опубліковано 10 жов 2020
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
THE NARCISSIST'S PRAYER:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it!
yep :{
OMG yes but before the last line should be "You pushed me to it." Than "You brought it on yourself" Ugh!
Speechless! This is so true.
This is accurate
Great!
It’s no surprise that women today prefer not to be in relationships.
Men too.
In a divorce in America a man likely loses 1) full custody of any children; 2) his home is lost; he loses thousands upon thousands of dollars in the process.
A woman can also take these loses. Marriage then is rendered a seriously risky proposition. About fifty years ago, I’d concluded marriage wasn’t for me. I was right. Ladies and gents, have healthy relationships. Skip marriage.
Yes I feel you, indeed they aré all p o r n addicts
And a lot of men too.
My narc moved out 5 years ago and I have avoided dating ever since. Not had so much as a kiss in more than 5 years and never felt more satisfied, whole, and happy.
I had a healthy sex drive but the narcissist that I was married to would often turn my advances down with many different excuses. Only to later wake up at 1 or 2 in the morning to find him downstairs pleasuring himself to his porn. The feeling of never being good enough still haunts me 20 years later.
Yes that was the same with my ex husband, and for a long time I wondered why I couldn’t be enough. It hurts
Same.
Same for me. I can't wait for this marriage to be over.
@@mmhamer Same on both fronts. Just waiting to get the 💲 up to leave. 😔
What you have to think is that this is not about you and your bed performance, you are enough. There’s a non talked scenario about this, many many times the partner of the narcissist has a very low self stem, and a very poor auto concept, and that’s what narcissists are looking for in a partner. Victims of narcissistic abuse HAVE TO work on reinforcing their self stem. But there’s something that can be true in all this, maybe, just maybe as you have low self stem, it could be possible that your bed performance could be not so good after all...why? Because people with low self stem can’t get totally relaxed on a bed situation, most of the times people with low self stem struggle with getting naked for example, or try not to get into sxual situations because they don’t feel comfortable with themselves and this is not the narcissist’s responsibility. In my case...my wife didn’t watch prn, well I never knew that, but she definitely made me feel so inadequate...and now i have so many many insecurities about my bed performance, so many that I don’t even want to get into an intimate relationship with someone else. That’s why I know self stem is a must in a recovery process of narcissistic abuse.
The most honest thing he ever said …. As he was leaving …. Was “ I don’t love you , I’ve never loved you, I don’t even love myself”
My husband sd the same thing.
That’s tragic. :(
Sorry
My fuerte ex husband narcissist said the same thing . I don’t love you .. the only true he spoke in the life full of lies and deception ..
Some men have never seen a loving relationship and, if anything, have only been instructed by society about what they're supposed to be.
I would wager that you were his attempt at a normal functional relationship, he definitely saw something in you that gave him hope that he could be the person he probably could be if he worked through his issues.
I have to question why you responded in a forum about narcissists if he admittedly didn't even love himself.
@@p4rt_t1me_g0d thanks for the comment, character disordered individuals struggle to identify emotions….. so his saying he didn’t love himself was accurate. Narcissists are good at acting so can go through the visible motions of expressing emotion without having the associated internal “feelings” . Their words and actions don’t match. Like an actor they can turn their interpretation of emotions on and off at will. They can go from manufactured rage (which is a popular tool as folk back off) to all sunshine and smiles in the blink of an eye. Whereas a person who is capable of feeling emotions is unable to do that… following an outburst of genuine emotion an empathic person needs time for the adrenaline and cortisol levels to rebalance. They physically cannot go from one state to another without batting an eyelid.
Narcissists do not believe they have “issues” so would not seek to work through them . From their perspective “ there is nothing wrong with me….” Other folk need to change but not the narcissist.
My response in this forum is therefore entirely appropriate and accurate.
Narcs approach sex like foolish teenagers. It's all about "getting some". They couldn't care less about your feelings or discomfort.
Sooo true....so very true
This is hands down the best comment!
My 45 year old ex when he wanted some everytime he would grab himself shake it and say he need some I’ll be like grow up why you ask for sex like a kid very disgusting.
Thank God I never had sex with a narcissist. I did almost get raped by one But thankfully God protected me
Exactly !!!!!
Don’t expect a healthy, loving, or committed relationship with a porn addict especially if they are also a narcissist.
ANY addict, especially if they are also a Narc. But this video is enlightening on this sole topic!
@@krissyaguilar1814 So happy for you that you’re not wasting anymore of your emotions on someone not worthy of you! My ex moved on to additional addictions adding to the devastation. Had I only heeded the first warning sign.
Speaking from experience, I agree.
@@Ellely143 Additional addictions indeed are usually what the habitual thinking is about.Stay Healthy and keep learning.
@@razorsharplifestyle101hard9 Yes, it was an unbelievably painful and hard experience but now I’m free and happy again. These videos truly have been a saving grace.
Pornography watching is yet another disgusting betrayal on the long list of all kinds of betrayals the narcissist will present you with.
Its so nice to know that I have every right to intimacy. In a sense I feel like I prostituted myself out to the narcissist as a way to get the intimacy I was not getting.
I know exactly how you feel.
Omg I did exactly this , gee do I understand this , done everything I could to keep it alive …by the end he was just treating me like a prostitute ..come by get his fix and leave …no respect , no love …nothing …18 months like that
Same
@@The_huntress111 totally agree. Makes you feel completely violated
@@allthingsjana7870 indeed it does , it’s horrible how you can love someone so deeply , and to them your basically a prostitute . And the women who treated him horrible and expendable he was treating like gold .
"They feel entitled to their pleasure no matter whom it harms". So true.
Narcissists equals dirty old men..
@Different 1 "Normal" people do not abuse...and for the record, you just judged me.
Is it narcissistic for women to use sex toys in a relationship? I don’t expect a response because that would require accountability and consistency.
@@mybestnugget7514 yeh you are a nugget
@@angelica6560 no response to the subject matter
After reading these comments, I think it is easier to live alone.
I totally agree! LOL
Absolutely!! When in a relationship that's on a 1 way street- is 1 reason to live on your own.
There is so much trickery, betrayals, head games going on. It seems to be getting worse. I am 55 and have had enough of the shit shows. It seems the older I get it gets worse.
If someone cannot commit then they should remain single. Why do damage to another?
Be truthful!! Such cruel, evil demons among us.
I have no more tolerance and patience. No longer will I make excuses.
Life is to be enjoyed and make the journey easier for one another.
Be Well Stay Safe
dont give up
I completely agree with you!
There's alot to be said about being captain of your own ship. If some body pisses you off throw them overboard!
Even after all this time I am still discovering new things that explain a lot. I have a lump in my throat right now, and I'm holding my tears. You can't even start to imagine how bad it was. How many times i was blamed for his addiction to porn use, and how many times i was put down for not agreeing to do what he saw in theae videos.
Oh my god that's really sadistic from his part.
This resonates with me...
How many millions of women were destroyed by this same attitude and society’s stance that it’s a woman’s job to please her spouse. Not! He has just as much responsibility to please his wife.
I'm so sorry, I didn't go thru the exact same things w my narcissistic ex but I totally understand how it feels to not even realize everything you dealt w until after you leave and are trying to heal. I know how stupid I've felt for putting up w everything n not seeing what was happening right in my face...... But nobody in our shoes would have recognized it, it just never occured to me that any person especially the person I lived with n loved would lie n manipulate ME to the extremes they did. Normal people don't do those things and never assume someone else will
My ex had an entire wall of bootlegged pirated porn DVDs. It was ridiculous. I was pushed to do unthinkable things. I had no idea how exploited I was until I was cherished and truly loved by my current husband.
Exploited. Yeah, that's what I felt too. I'm glad you're in a good place, maybe there's hope for me too. 💛
I watch porn occasionally but definitely not to that extent! Lol
@@Jason-gt6ko you should probably not do that. Not healthy for your soul or your marriage
@@brooketaylor8229 I'm 48. Not married. Nor will I ever be. I've had a few longterm relationships. I prefer porn over a girlfriend any day..
@@Jason-gt6ko wow...okay
Not only that, it’s a great tool they can use to starve their partner of affection ..
Yes, good point!
@deniseguzzardo totally agree, married 4 years, no sex in 3, I used to be hurry over it, not any more, glad we don't "do it"anymore.....I know my worth, that is why he is the stbx!!!
This was my experience.
And i thought something is wrong with me..
There’s this strange misconception that men “want it” regardless.. 🙄The narcissistic will refuse to provide affection as another form of “control” If she’s miserable and begging for it ? That fills their narcissistic “gas tank” in another sick and twisted way 😳
Isn't it so strange how we were all in different narcissistic relationships but we all have this commonality between us? Its wild how people are so different but narcissists can be so similar...
Yes that soothes me in so many different ways..i feel heard and at the same time get scared that so....many people go through it and are still goin through without recognizing..many spend a whole life blindfolded and blaming themselves
Absolutely - they could be the same person! It’s so healing to know we’re not alone and not crazy!
I think this ALL the time...
I think because Narcissism is a demonic spirit. A jezebel spirit. Not to hyper spiritualized it but anything that’s a pattern that affects our soul is surely demonic
To me people come in two types. The reasonable kind, and the other kind
Thank you so much, Dr.Ramani. I left my husband in 2013 due to his covert/grandiose narcissism, alcoholism and pornography addiction. I had been gaslit and dismissed for 12 years & I blamed myself. "Hold on to your reality" really speaks to me. With full custody of our 3 children, I immersed myself in new & healthy perspectives, and have forged forward. Content like yours is imperative to those that have suffered and are recovering.
God bless you. 🕉
Hug
Im currently going through the exact same thing. I am 2 months out of a 12 year relationship with a man (I cringe to even call him that because of his immaturity levels..) and he had the exact same issues as your ex-husband. Only you can add rageful screaming, silent treatment, gestures and threats to violently/physically hurt you (i.e hit you, slap you), brainwashing you and stripping you down to your core where you totally loose your identity . Everything was about him/his hobbies/his self pleasures - drinking, smoking, substance abuse (which I despised and could never stop him from)/his grandiose sense of over inflated ego despite his job status being typical (whilst reducing me to ashes despite myself being a director of a 3rd generation family business)/he was still living home with his parents at 31 despite having the funds to move out/having everyone do everything for him without him lifting a finger - meals/morning coffees/cleaning his bedroom/has mommie issues to the point he's become her 2nd husband and deprioritises me to the bottom of the list despite 12 years of sacrifice/had the most pickiest diet I had to reduce my eating regimen to just beef and cheese which was terribly unhealthy (he looked malnournished and was very skinny too) - oof its terrible, it just said A LOT about what I decided to endure and settle with when I should have left long ago. Don't get me wrong, I fully supported him - at the expense of stopping to love myself/care about myself. Never again! This is the last kind of person I ever wanted to be stuck with for 12 years, without him ever pulling the trigger for marriage, for a child, to move out - despite me begging. Moral of the story, never beg, don't be afraid to leave when your heart screams its right, and live with the fear and find your happiness out there anyway.
I love your insight and truth about the narcissist and porn. It is so painful, humiliating and disgraceful to the faithful wife to be replaced with porn, while not be satisfied herself. The lies, betrayal and deceit from the narc regarding porn is disgusting and just gets worse with time. We deserve so much better than that!
I feel safe in the comments with people who feel the same as I do and went through. I wasn’t crazy. I WAS NOT CRAZY. thank you everyone for confirming that for me.
You re not crazy. Those who watch it are!
@@TAFProductions watch what ?
Feeling crazy and questioning your sanity/reality only reinforces the fact that you were likely with a narcissist.
I feel the same! I'm not crazy!
U r not
"Too many people in narcissistic relationships stretch their boundaries to an uncomfortable point"
So right!
I did! 🙋🏼♀️ and when I snapped, I built titanium walls a million miles high. He will never have access to me again and neither will any other man. I’m golden alone.
Yes this was the case in my old relationship with a text book narc. Lesson learned and glad I moved on!
Does a twat grip harder than a hand?
WOW, ITS TRUE
#WORD
No one is safe.
Not even their own children.
Everyone's a tool, for their satisfaction.
I was married to a extreme covert narcissist for 17 yrs and let’s just say every day I am so thankful for my sanity and never take my peace for granted. In saying this mr ex-husband was excessive in everything and one of these things he indulged in was pornography. This, on top of everything else, impacted our marriage and family deeply. Like everything else about a narcissist, it doesn’t get better, but only worse. Brutality painful and hurtful. Thank you for discussing this subject of pornography as I feel this is a big one for many and sadly it’s extremely damaging on every level.
I think that I understand a little bit about narcissists and pornography. Narcissists crave connection but are also terrified of it. Therefore, they bait their victim, bringing connection closer, and then thwart it. The narcissist gets their hit vicariously through their victim’s emotional explosion - be it upset, tears, or whatever.
Because narcissists never experience the joy and sustenance of real connection (intimacy), they often feel bored and blue. In the absence of real connection, they seek stimulation. Pornography creates that stimulation.
Lust is never satisfied for a narcissist.
How did we all get sucked in so far that we dealt with this for so long? Anyone still in this situation, I’m praying for you. Strength to remove yourself is coming.
I had to get a lawyer as my narc keep pretending nothing has happened. I asked him to leave, he stayed. Since I asked him to leave he even built me a garden bed.....
Amen
@@andreaalfoldy1689 My experience was similar, finally got him out last year, but I said some really unkind things to him, and I think he knew that the game was up.
Thank you
I’m still in the situation. It has been hell for many years. Thank you for your prayers.
It's hard to be with someone who has to work at respecting you when it's second nature for them to hate you.
There cant be any gender bias, because this video is spot on with regards to my 20 year relationship , with a female covert narcissist. I thought the same things like its okay, she isnt cheating, its normal. She would watch porn and masturbate multiple times per day. But never with me. And if I accidentally or intentionally walked in on her, she would hide her phone and deny she was doing anything at all. I would feel bad cuz I thought if she wanted to get off, why not come to me, the one she supposedly loves? Suddenly I realize that we were never intimate, not a single time in 20 years. We fucked, we never made love. I kick my own ass for not seeing it sooner. 2 years apart now, and things are starting to get better. Good luck everyone with a narc in their life, or those healing from their abuse.
I had the same problem with my partner, but she would read “smut books” or “romantic novels”. Would never be in the mood for me, but I would come to the bedroom to find her asleep next to her books and her “toy” all the time. I told her it deeply hurt me that she had to fantasize about other men from books to get aroused. And then leave me completely out. Not that I would want to be involved if she’s fantasizing about someone else during sex, but you get my point. I was under the impression we would be faithful physically and mentally to each other. I was told “ you’re being insecure and that’s not attractive” & “ you worry too much about the physical” “ you need to be more confident”. Gaslighting at its finest. I’m soooooo glad I’m out of that situation. My partner now can’t get enough of me and she reminds me every day what a good husband I am. Men and women BOTH deserve someone who they can trust and respects their same values. If someone is treating you like this, try your best to work it out, but if nothing changes, don’t waste your life with someone who doesn’t appreciate or respect you
I remember my husband bugging me all the time for sex and complaining to ppl about not getting sex…after discussing this with my mother guess what she said…if you feed him at home , he won’t go out to eat! Talk about brainwashing!
They prefer porn because it projects an unrealistic portrayal of women. If you are upset with them, they don't care, they will go to the porn sites where women don't talk back. This is why they are so emotionally immature,as they are used to the instant gratification of porn at their finger tips, rather than having to confront relationship issues, which is in most cases, is their fault. Thank you for making this video and explaining how watching porn increases their dismissive attitude and objectifying of people/women.
Now this post makes sense for a narc that uses porn
@@-Mitra- Porn is just terrible for anyone, man or woman. Regardless of gender, its restructuring their brain to not take priority over peoples emotions/sensitivity/etc/or think in a way that is accountable/considerate to peoples feelings. Porn gives that instant gratification of not having to go through the trials of a relationship or courting to get a sexual release, so feelings or listening to someone aren't important to these addicts.The brain on porn addiction oversexualizes moments that would otherwise seem harmless to a regular person, but to a person addicted to porn, it would appear to be a scene that would simulate a hardcore porno (for example: if a girl innocently bends over to pick up something without being salacious at all, a regular person wouldn't notice, yet a person addicted to porn would see it in slower motion, imagining her undressed and doing dirty things to her as they are hyperfocused to these things). This is why narcissists in general make everything about sex or turn intellectual conversations into pontificating about things of sexual nature. They only see people as objects and they tend to be quite shallow yet expect men/women to see them for whatever internal qualities they feign to have
@@haventchangedmypfpsince2009 Hentai or any anime porn/porn in general is straight up CREEPY to me man. The girls always look like they are underaged in anime, and to add porn to it, is just gross.. I'd imagine the worst emotional abusers are found at comicons, looking for naive young bright eyed girls to prey on. Most of these girls, no offense or anything, are VERY innocent and tend to entertain these dudes out of pity or whatever else the guy is using to bait her with(cutesy roleplay stuff, that could turn into deviant sexual nature). These undeveloped emotionally immature "nerdy" narcissists types who are self-proclaimed "nice guys", yet expect a girl to be submissive anime girl who is a tool for their sexual gratification. I always watch out for these weirdos. They project this harmless persona, but when you reject them, the abusive side lashes out. I think a a lot of the time, these girls ignore if the guy is overweight, smelly, passive-aggressive, entitled, and just plain creepy in general in order to entertain the fantasy of being these likable anime characters who under the guise of playful banter, interact with one another and get to know one another on a all too personal basis, which is only another ploy these guys use, I think.
@@-Mitra- nothing to explain other than how overt and disrespectful she was being. Ppl who constantly search for external forms of validation have a void within them. Instead of filling the void with integrity and self-work, they would rather feed the void with shallow-based stuff like porn/excessive flirting to get a temporary and artificial boost to their ego. Its akin to preferring a bowl of earthly porridge rather than an eternity in heaven(not my quote). Also she sought attention because she is perpetually empty and needs constant reinforcement, something you can't do anything about. It's her struggle and not for you to absorb/take fault/or fix. Narcissists are slaves to their ever crumbling image. I want you to know that its not about you. Narcissists are desperately insecure ppl who live in fear of running out of supply, that is why they constantly position themselves in social situations to recieve the most attention. Love isn't important to them. They can't love you because of that void that constantly reminds them of how low their self esteem is. Even if they tried to fix it, it'd take years of self-work and self validation, something not a single person on this planet can do for them. You see, its not you, its them/her who cannot provide reciprocation/love because they don't even love themselves. Its theirs to fix but sadly that soul-sucking void usually keeps them on that hamster wheel. They can't even function as a human being let alone understand the needs of someone else.You don't need to chase them neither do you want to. They are nobody to get validation from. Its important for you to tell yourself You are enough and there is nothing you or anyone else can do to fix this person. Please have a great day 👍
@@Langolin1998 Wow sounds like he has self-control issues. Part of having a relationship is creating the outer security of not staring/flirting/parading around with others/ignoring you partner at the same time/being disrespectful in general to show your partner you can trust them. Trust is earned not blindly given. Narcissits want your blind trust so they can have their cake and eat it too. You have to show respect to earn trust. Reciprocating respect and trust consecutively(with minimum to zero breaks, meaning that you don't have to constantly confront and police them about their rude behavior only for them to give you a phony honeymoon phase and then they go right back to said behavior) over time shows stability and then ultimately love. Narcissists think they can break you down and what you are willing to accept once they got you. If anything, a reuse of a honeymoon phase shows lack of true care and conviction. If they cared you wouldn't have to address them every week or time you go out. It wouldn't be a problem. They live to tout "you can't have a relationship without trust" yet they give you nothing to trust.
When I gave my narcissistic partner the choice: porn or me, he flatly chose the porn. It took several more years for me to walk out the door, but I did.
Good for you! Wish I would have!
Good for you!
A former partner used to masturbate to pornografy often, our sex life died down to the point that he started sex twice within a year. I explained to him, how hurtful this was.
Nothing really changed, my femininity got destroyed by it all and I so many times O blamed myself for it. When I decided to go to therapy, I was destroyed as a woman...
Mine told me that he´d rather leave me than stop watching porn, too. He said, it would be best if he could just masturbate 3-4 times a week and reduce sex with me to once a month or better less. There is no words to say how bad I felt in that moment. He told me sex is too exhausting, too much work, a waste of time and that he´d rather do things that he really enjoyed, like playing computer games or scrolling trough Facebook. And he never understood, why I´d feel hurt because of that or would flat out say, he never said such a thing. As if I would make up something like that...
Do y’all not understand that this is an addiction? It’s stronger than a heroine addiction. Of course he’s gonna pick the 4K HD porn over you because he’s *dependent* on it. It’s absolutely ridiculous to assume somebody’s *addiction* is a personal attack on you. Sheesh wtf
@@mybestnugget7514 So every bad behavior is acceptable, just because it´s an addiction?
Omg!! Yes, my late husband blamed me for his porn use. Even as newlyweds at 25. He hid his activies really really well over 18 years. After he died I found evidence in his bag of extra activities on his many business trips. So grateful to be out of that marriage. Its such a huge burden to get widowed, but then layer a bad marriage on top of that. I don't find many stories like mine. Most widows think their spouses were perfect saints
there are plenty of marriages like yours, only the wifes don't ever find out the truth.
I called my husband a Saint before he died… 😂 Watching these videos and reading all the comments on her videos can confirm that he was a total Saint… I’m sorry for what happened to you though. 😢 Stay strong! ♥️
@@niyuki87Exactly 😅.
I’m so happy you are at peace now.
My narcissistic ex used to tell me that sex had to be a part of a loving relationship. Every time we had sex it felt like sexual assault... because it was.
I came to realise after I left him (and had a lot of therapy) that I'm asexual and his coercion though emotional blackmail was just another way to control me.
The worst is when they watch it instead of spending intimate time with you. Or expect you to reproduce the scenes or positions they've seen without consideration of how you feel about it or how it makes you feel
100%
so turn them down and leave them to there own accord.
Bad is also when they get up out of bed with you, go in the bathroom and masturbate, then come back and tell you “the urge left,” and go to sleep. I’m in shock to this very day.
@@lisajohnson4744 That’s terrible I feel for you. Mine did something similar for months.. it’s not you its them.
Porn addicts will objectify women and succumb to the obsessions that kill the spirit of love and life in their soul/ They exist as corporate statistics and they die pitiable fools if they remain unrepentant, abominably idolatrous/
I wish I heard this 20 years ago when I was 18. It would have saved me from a lifetime of abuse.
Maybe, but you would have not listened back then. Experiencing the problem opens your eyes to look for solutions.
Ella Rouge ... yes ... that is why we have to educate young women out there !!!! Speak about your experience to other people ..., any type of abuse it’s not OK .... be loud .... be honest .... speak the truth ... Men need to respect us and consider us their equal at all times !!! We are the ones that bring life on this planet literally!!!! We have the power , not them !!!! Pace and love to you !
Same here
@@BenGenio you can't tell a person what they will or won't do or will and won't think that's wrong that's just what you think it's not reality
@@leannebishop7880 And yet you are doing just exactly that. That's why I started by first comment with a "Maybe" to remain a neutral, then proceeded by giving my opinion which is not an advice.
I'm so grateful for you bringing up this topic and thank you for validating so many women's feelings who get shamed for feeling betrayed and ignored on this subject in their relationships. It is so devastating to so many kind women.
Even though this video is re-traumatizing for me and hard to watch, it is a big eyeopener, this explains my relationship unfortunately very accurately. Eventhough I have trauma and nightmares almost every night about it, I've only ever brought it up a few times in five years, gaslighting, justifications and blame shifting every time, I am the problem because of how hurt I feel, no acknowledgement ever in five years about the trauma and pain it has caused.
I understand your pain.
If you have not already, it may be helpful to reach out to find safe people, who will support you and be there to validate, to comfort you; do embrace changes that will help you to move into healing and eventually to thriving. 💖
I avoid the men who shows me pornography at all cost.
Always talk about themselves. (of course, they lie about themselves as well ).
Ask for sex but show me pornography.
RUN!!!! Avoid at cost
As a guy, when other men try to casually show me porn, HUGE RED FLAG. Its disgusting how its becoming so normalized.
Pornography is fine, there's a time and a place for everything, but KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!!!
thank you wise one!!
good advice
“Would you rather I cheat on you?” Yeah that’s good one
porn is cheating on the wife, no doubt about it. have you ever heard of sex-a-holiest anonymous?
Some women are "unaccomodating" ... Firmly laying down their own rules. Men married to this type of 'rigid' woman may in the end seek sexual fulfillment with another more 'accomadating' , more 'normal' woman outside of marriage .
Boy bye!! These boots were made for walkng
@@MKTElM gtfo of here with that sexist garbage. It's a not a woman's fault if a man cheats.
@@bobafetttea Never ? In some cases a man is faced with a difficult choice ... either to cheat on his wife , if his faith allows , or to seek divorce and look for a more accomodating partner .
Even 19 years after I left him, this video gave me so much validation about what was going on with us (or, rather, NOT going on) sexually. I think it was a nightly practice for him, almost without exception. But, I didn't learn about it until after I left, so there was no opening to bring it up... and that's fine. It wouldn't have mattered. Thanks for your generosity, Dr. R.
I finally sent out the breakup message as soon as I finished watching your video. In the beginning of my last relationship, I caught my ex having two porn folders saved on his phone, each had over 1,000 pictures and videos. I had a big fight with him for that because I felt betrayed. He gaslit me by telling me "it's normal, all Western men do that, if they don't do that in front of you, they must've done that behind you". Meanwhile, he talked down my previous boyfriends by calling them "phony" and "gays" just because I told him they never watched porns. He deleted those folders after I threatened to break up. But later I found he simply just saved those videos and pictures in somewhere safe. He's the biggest nightmare ever!
"no pressure, no demands, no asks, that's how a narcissist likes their relationships"
Most concise, poignant description of Narcissism I've ever heard.
Clever ain’t they! You summed it up in a phrase!
This sums it up very nicely and, to me, feels exactly why they cheat and chronically date strings of people and drop relationships once they get to be to "too complicated" (ie intimate or involved) Porn is... the ultimate in "on-demand".
Birdie Jeffers, you looking Charming
So true!!
They don't want any pressure, demands, asks, or whatever from their "partners", but have absolutley no qualms about imposing the exact same things on them, like "It's all right when I'm doing that, but don't you dare do it as well!"
Hypocrisy at its best.
Better single for life than to ever experience this horrific sex ever again.
Your very right!!
I agree.
Jacqueline Juneau Yes, it’s all about them.
@@jacquelinejuneau5962 Sooo true. They never take the time or effort to learn how to please you, and don't have the desire to care! And this is IF they're even having sex with you! I was in a borderline sexless marriage.
AMEN!!!!
This 100 % describes my 3 decades long marriage. I filed for divorce when it escalated to actual physical assault recently. I've had enough.
It is the number one problem for me with my narcissistic husband. The control he craves and the meanness towards women in general is tremendous. It doesn't matter at all what I do, how I look etc. He just can't care enough about anyone else to be intimate with them.
That’s me I don’t bust with people cuz I don’t really care enough about them but I love love love myself and will continuously bust if I’m by myself it’s jot my fault that’s just the way I was born tbh
Run. His contempt and selfishness will only get worse. Really, RUN.
No interior spiritual life, no grace of God, no sense of sin will render the person lifeless, loveless and consumed by hatred/
“If you looked like her I wouldn’t have to watch this” oh yes!! I’m so glad to be alone.
I am so sorry.
A man asked me why I didn't have bigger breasts and I
should get "enhancements" I told him he
probably needs enhancements on his D*CX
thats the truth to gf i understand you
My ex said if my boobs were bigger, he wouldn't need to look at porn. 🙄
@@karaa7595 glad to hear he's the ex now 😎
I felt like when we had sex he thought we were in porn. And he expected more and more stuff. I did a lot of stuff that made me feel uncomfortable and I'm so ashamed now
What stuff?
Me too sisters. Always upping the ante on the degradation of the kind of sex he likes. It was exhausting, it was work, it wasnt even enjoyable. I dont miss him. I'd rather be single
Me too!! Same here
Don't be ashamed. Its almost the same with a female, although their game is to promise all kinds of things and then deny. Be all lovey dovey till you respond then push you away and call you a sex addict. Anything kinky, ( even her idea) will be held against you, brought up during arguments etc.
And he throws it in your face like YOU are the one who is "filthy" and "disgusting", even though he is obsessed with it.
Thanks for this … I was married to a covert narcissist addicted to alcohol and sex/porn for 26 yrs. he became sneakier about his use over the years and used all the gaslighting phrases /excuses you mention and manufactured rage. In the end the only place he was “nice” to me was in bed by which time I was totally detached and couldn’t wait for it to be over … totally felt like a piece of meat ! But if I said no he would pester and pester till I gave in …. I had no idea until after divorce that this was coercion and marital rape.
Eventually He was watching so much porn and drinking so much alcohol he couldn’t perform at night only on waking. I gave him an ultimatum and 12 m later I found yet another stash which our children could have got their hands on🤯 and gave him the option to get into rehab or lose his home wife and children. He stopped talking to me and moved into the caravan on the drive. A month later I said that’s it I want a divorce. When I asked why he wasn’t speaking to me he actually said “ I thought if I got out of your way and gave you time to calm down we could then get back together and carry on as normal.”
SAME HERE!! My body knew something was off. I avoided him sexually at all cost. He told me his "meds", he's bipolar as well , need a little "help" DAILY!!!
It’s unreal how men are choosing a life of infidelity with whores over their families. It’s heartbreaking. Yet it’s happening all the time now.
I would not adjust to such disrespect.
The narcissist gets more grandiose
as this addiction takes over. I watched this happen over about a month. I’m so glad I’m free. Thank you for these videos.
It felt devaluing. Sex is a lot more than just intercourse.
This comment caught my eye. That’s exactly how I felt. Devalued.
Yes. I feel worthless. Years ago I asked why we don't kiss anymore. I now have my answer.
Omg they think a trick of the tongue will get you anything/anyone!
I felt I could be replace by a blow up doll and debated buying one at some points so I could finally go to bed. I was not only devalued but sex became a way to dominate and punish me.
Sound like you all have self esteem issues.Maybe work on that before calling everyone who masturbates without you a narcissist.
I still can't believe that I was dating a covert narcissist... I broke up the relationship because he drove me crazy with all the lies. I ended up feeling so bad about myself and so dimished, I couldn't believe it. I have always been self confident and happy and this guy made me feel so ugly and unwanted in the end... Now I understand why... It's so relieving. I can breathe again.
Me too- prayers for healing
Think it’s also because some of the lies are so “small”, and seemingly harmless that we ignore it. Turns out that on the whole they cannot tell the truth OR seem to stand up for truthful situations around them unless it serves themselves.
Same. Lies about EVERYTHING, no matter how big or small. All their hurtful words & actions leave us beyond confused - practically kill us inside. It’s complete crazymaking. Torture.
I'm glad that you stepped away from that relationship & healed.
Yes. Mines too! I first it was beautiful. Then afterwards all the meanness Starr to come from Jim. I hated him touching me. When he was on top, I just lay there wishing his private would lose itself and not want it any more
Yuck! What a nightmare
I love you Dr. Ramani. He was watching it so much it was popping up on our kids phones. Thank God he got so embarrassed he actually did stop and is in therapy. But I'm not ready to believe he is changed forever. Narcissistic personality disorder is like a silent epidemic and there is no help. So I'm trying to find my path out of this hell hole with 3 kids and no family.
They CANT CHANGE, they just SHIFT to "Sleeper cell mode" going more under cover and more lying and deceit... To them its a GAME and also they just can not for the life of them, understand WHY de hell "yóu are só offended" and make an "issue out of nothing" 🙄🙈🥺 they just operate "Incognito" until you catch them ouy again, and again and again.... 😞 It NEVER stops until the day YOU just can't take it anymore and leave. 😞
There is deliverance ministry in the Christian realm. it might be the only way out. God bless & protect you dear lady.
@@lisedixondeliverance ministries don’t work on the flesh. This man has a flesh problem, a denying yourself and picking up your cross and following Christ problem. You can’t cast out what the flesh wants….
All of the above. It gets worse and worse, and is soul-crushing and punishing. I am so grateful to be free of him. When I see him with yet another new woman, I just feel sorry for her. As soon as she says no, or wait, or not this way, his true self will come forth and she will know what she is to him. People don't fundamentally change after 60-plus years.
If you’re in a relationship with a hyper sexual narcissist and you want to believe that he loves you because you love him, don’t!! People like this are not capable of giving you the love that you deserve so just walk away from it and don’t look back! It’s better to be alone than to allow yourself to be abused! Love yourself and never rely on your happiness to exist in someone else because it doesn’t! Happiness can only exist within yourself!
That's really good. That hit home my teenager told me to get out even if it means that her parents are divorced.
YES! Add bipolar and you have a SUPER hypersexual narcissist! It's been 12 years and I'm still avoiding relationships!!!
He hid the bookmark for his porn site in a folder marked 'motor maintenance'. The motor was MINE so I opened the folder to check out maintenance due. He admitted addiction but did nothing about it. Later, I was learning how to use our new 'tablet'. Clicked on a bookmark and it opened into a porn chat site. Confronted him about it and he said the bookmark installed itself. He is now my ex.
Linda narcs are so dam sneaky, glad you refused to put up with his sneaky addiction.🌹👍🏻
Oh wow...I tolerated so much more. I thought porn was gr8 and enjoyed porn myself. It gave him more room to manipulate me. I wanted to be poly. I wanted a girlfriend. But I am realizing through my healing that I was experiencing cognitive dissonance and I was actually starving for love and emotional connection. I couldn't imagine he wasn't awesome no matter what he was doing to me. Until someone in a bipolar2 support group said that sounds more like narcissistic behavior. So I started studying and seriously Cluster B is scary af!!
My ex had an addiction as well. There was porn everywhere on everything. When I broke up with him I kept finding random porn on my computer. I don't even have a problem with porn, watch myself, have had other partners watch it. But narcs treat porn like this obsessive little secret that they resent YOU for them having the problem controling.
Good for you to get out of that relationship. I never even had access to my exes computer. He never let me see it
Linda I’m guessing you don’t have a purity ring anymore? Lol
I have never confronted my 70 yr old narcissistic husband about very inappropriate images on his cellphone due to him just lying of course about it. And blaming me for sure! We don’t sleep in the same room anymore thank goodness because yes they do get worse with age.
O yes, they certainly do.
hahaha my ex used to say that he was “unable to be himself around me” when I had asked if he could not watch porn because it made me feel self-conscious, or even when I minimized it by just asking him to not mention it around me. he ended up cheating on me multiple times and blamed me because I “made him think of cheating” when I would mention how it was something I was afraid of happening to me. thank you for this!
The pressure for being “progressive” in modern-day relationships in order to avoid the perception of prudishness struck a chord with me. Know that you have the right to have someone who is dedicated exclusively to you if that is what you want. Don’t settle for less.
I don't know why but your comment really cut to something deep within me. I think I have felt that is not ok to want this for myself, even though I was clear about what I wanted from the start.
@marisadaniela6 I get it. This topic cuts deep for me too. It is so easy for the person who wants monogamy to be accommodating to people that want to be “open, easy and free” while still wanting to have a strong hold over you. It can be so demoralizing over time to live this way and I for one am not doing it any more. You absolutely have the right to have commitment and dedication from a partner. I think it all begins with taking our power back.
@@80islandia yes! I have been trying to take my power back but now that I'm in the relationship for good (we have children) it's not so straightforward. Especially regarding the deception. How do you have any power when someone is living in a fantasy land where they are king? I understand not to expect any kind of fulfilling love from my partner, so I am trying to love myself. Something I haven't done much of over the years. I guess the only way I see myself getting "my power back" is detaching.
@marisadaniela6 I hear you about taking your power back not being straightforward and there are no easy answers. My first instinct is to say that baby steps are a huge win. You are here, which is good. You are aware, which is great. You are exploring self-love, which is awesome. And you are making a plan of action toward empowerment. I would say those are some powerful wins right there. Hugs, and all the best to you. You got this.
What do you mean by "someone who is dedicated exclusively to you". Do you mean does not have sex with someone else? Does not have close friendship with someone else? Never has any kind of sexual attraction to or intimacy with any person other than you? Is not allowed to masturbate (unless of course they are thinking of you exclusively)? Is basically your sexual and emotional property? Doesn't that thinking itself seem quite narcissistic? When I read comments below about "taking the power back" I can't help but think of one person having "power" over another. My advice is to concentrate on controlling yourself and don't worry so much about controlling another. Just 'gray rock' them and become less dependent on how they try to make you feel.
I once heard a man brag about his ability to separate sex from love -- with the idea being that his ability to do that made him superior intellectually to the women he knew who contaminated sex with emotions. Major narcissist.
That hit me deep. I've known way too many men that have said this.
One guy I met said he was looking for another partner was because his side piece was "catching feelings" and he already had that with his fiance/ baby mama that he was living with. Gag!
And I'm sure this shit-iot is still alone and will be until he dies :3
Woman thank god u escaped the plague
@Kat H you seem to have some deep sitting problems.
@@kates8183 Good for you to recognize that right away and to feel like gagging! Sometimes it makes me laugh to hear men talk like this as if they are so worth it, no one is worth talking about other human beings like that.
Thank you so much for bringing this topic. I felt cheated on every time I caught him watching while I was a sleep. I dealt with extreme reaction from him every time I pointed it out that it’s not ok. He always made me believe that it was my fault. I was always told that I had a problem and I believed it for years, until I found out about all that I wish I never did.
This has been my experience as well 😢
I think a lot of the dynamics discussed here also apply to narcissists in the gay world. A gay friend I had from university was convicted recently for possession of extreme child pornography. When I asked him why he did it, he talked about how he'd been badly bullied as a kid and looking at pictures of teenage boys was his way of "getting revenge" over the type of boys who bullied him at school. It fits perfectly into the degradation and control dynamic. What he didn't tell me, and which I only found out after his trial, was that he'd also been looking at pictures of kids as young as 8. He also told me about how out of control his sex life had got, although he spoke of it with entitlement. For example, he'd been using his neighbours" house when they were out to have sex with prostitutes behind his husband's back. Je confessed to bizarre things, like regularly going to the same barber because he found it sexually stimulating have his hair cut by this particular man. He'd also slept with numerous friend's partners behind their backs. All the way through, until I found out the full facts, it was a series of lies, minimisation and denial from him. They say that sex offenders often suffer from "cognitive distortions" which seem to be incredibly similar to the narcissistic traits described here. It'll be interesting to see how our understanding of these things improves in years to come.
His girlfriend was his computer. I was his replacement mommy/sister. Its was much deeper and twisted than I could explain here. It was a large part of the shame that I experienced when thinking of leaving.
That sounds terrible and I get it. Hugs to you.
After a while, I felt like I was there just to be a maid... He feels since he worked and paid all the bills, I should let him do what he wants..... Never mind that I worked a full time job to with a child... But if his mom could raise 2 kids and then 3 of his sisters kids, why can't I do it all....ugh!!! Soon to be Ex!!!!
I had terrible guilt & felt sorry for him. That was very damaging for me.
@@smith452011 sometimes I think it's the neglect that hurts us the most!! Sam Vaknin talks about their strange projection of their parents onto you while they embody both a child and parent false self.
@@blackheartearthseed8341 If you happen to recall in which of Sam Vaknin's videos you heard that, I would be very appreciative. I noticed that same dynamic with my ex boyfriend, and I am curious to learn more about where it came from.
I can't say this enough. Once I found your videos, I was able to sleep 4 hours in a row without a nightmare for the first time in MONTHS. THANK YOU. This and many of your other videos are so relatable.
I can tell 💯
your testimony lets me understand how important are this videos for our basic mental health and wellbeing. Thanks Dr Ramani
If you’re having actual persistent and frequent nightmares as an adult, that’s a sign of a mental disorder. It’s not normal for adults to have nightmares. Bad dreams maybe, but frightening nightmares that disturb your sleep cycle, I’d certainly seek some counsel about that.
This, from WebMd: “ nightmare disorder is relatively rare. Nightmare disorder is when nightmares happen often, cause distress, disrupt sleep, cause problems with daytime functioning or create fear of going to sleep”
“Nightmare disorder may cause:
Excessive daytime sleepiness, which can lead to difficulties at school or work, or problems with everyday tasks, such as driving and concentrating
Problems with mood, such as depression or anxiety from dreams that continue to bother you
Resistance to going to bed or to sleep for fear you'll have another bad dream
Suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts
I can’t wait for this 😩
I started to not be able to sleep do to this too. I just recently ended it for good with this type of person. Getting more sleep now but it's still hard.
After 6 years together he confessed it had been 6 months since he a porn addiction and blamed it on stress related to work. I always had a high sex drive, never kept him bored, did my absolute best to fulfill every desire. He still ended up with a porn addiction and blamed me for not having initiative and being passive. I could never initiate or take matters in my own hand sexually because he never let me. When I actually confronted him about the addiction he blamed me for not being active enough and telling me he always had to do everything, but also that my sex drive was too high. Just pure contradiction. Even if you do things well you will NEVER WIN with a narcissist. It's still something that haunts me.
This video is honestly extremely traumatizing and difficult to listen to. I have a long way to go in healing from betrayal trauma from my partners porn use for many years. It is a sad reality that I have noticed withholding behaviors and avoidance of intimacy that are linked to this (not to mention lack of empathy and objectification of others). I know I am not the only one. I know on a deep level how heartbreaking this is on a daily basis.
It only escalates as well. After finding out my exs EXCESSIVE porn use, he cheated and blamed it on me. I've spend YEARS feeling "too vanilla" for him. After he got out of rehab, lol. He admitted to having sex with his girlfriend and another man. I'm so glad I finally left him.
I have terrible memories about this topic... Despicable and humiliating.
Same here and agreed. He knew I was absolutely opposed to it and considered it cheating and disrespectful he agreed(promised actually) to not continue doing it but just continued to behind my back and I actually believed he wasn't. I discovered naked teenage girls on his phone and also on his old phone, it never stopped, this blew open the doors to his 'sex addiction' and all his other perverted behaviors, stalking girls at places of employment to feel the 'lust' that was the sex addicts anonymous lingo for it. Several affairs of every variety (physical, emotional, micro cheating etc.) then finally to narcissism! Boy what a journey! I wish you love and strength on your healing journey! 💖
@@Langolin1998 Yes they are sick and they just move on to the next relationship and we remain quiet and the next woman slowly absorbs their poison and starts to unravel. I wish we could warn all the other women but they only see the narc's illusory self and by the time we find out about the new relationship we've already been smeared as crazy, jealous, unhinged etc. All the coaches warn us not to get involved or meddle but it breaks my heart that so much pain could be avoided. I'm happy a lot of us discovered the truth and were able to garner the strength to leave and start to heal ourselves from these sick, twisted monsters. Take care and God bless 💖
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
Its a tuff one, especially when most of it is unethically sourced as well
@@RavenStealstheNight instead of attacking me, which I don't mind... I can only suggest to read again what I wrote. Porn and narcistic personality has nothing to do with each other. And stop being a cry baby, ffs. Being offended about someone's opinion is so 2019...
This hits home for me. He (Covert Narcissist husband of 25 years) sees nothing wrong with what he is doing because it's my problem, not his. Thank you SO MUCH for addressing this. I'm very weary. For me this is a deal breaker (These girls could be our granddaughters...) and I'm devastated by it. Thank you for helping me remember that I'm not alone. He has zero visible shame and seems fine that I moved to the guest room three years ago. I'm just living out my days here because of finances, learning all I can for survival. Your videos and books have made all the difference in the world. BLESS YOU!
GramaDebi, your husband doesn’t show any visible signs of guilt because he feels justified in what he does. Narcissists never have regrets. I know that you have to stay because of finances but I sincerely hope you’re able to get away from him ASAP. Try not to be disappointed or depressed about his behavior. He’ll NEVER change and there’s no hope for him. As soon as you can, leave him and don’t look back! I wish the best for you.
@@AK-gk6sd Mine too, all teenage sites. Same age as our son. He's sick. When I found it and said they're TEENAGERS he said, no they're not, they're 'young ladies' absolutely disgusting. Found his old phone and it was full of adolescent stuff too. Worst part? He's in a serious relationship with a woman right now who has three young daughters and he's a cop!
I left my narc husband of 24 yrs a few months ago who had similar porn problems. I found some disturbing subject matter in search histories involving animals, young girls and lots of tying people up/binding. Super disturbing, and he told me it was my fault for not having sex with him enough. I should've left him then (16yrs ago) but I stayed and I regret it. His attitude towards women only degraded over time and our marriage ended in a violent, drunken narc rage filled incident. I'm happy to be free but everyday is a struggle
So sorry you are in a situation where you can't get away. Please stay safe and do you best to stay healthy
If you don't leave now, your regret will grow. He's fine, it's you that can and should have a life. Go to your Social Service Office, find a women's support group, volunteer,... get out and live.
Because I've been living with this situation as long as you have and
I have my own room. My kids and grandkids won't visit me because
grandpa is creepy. But I am living my own life pursuing my interests.
Some of the advice from others is very good and I'm also listening.
Sure wish I could have heard these words 35 years ago. Have Always Felt Like I Am Not Enough. And I even when I would catch him, the excuses sometimes was so far fetched but waking on egg shells will teach you to just let it go. Reassuring the fact within yourself that You Just Do Not Matter.
Thank you so much for doing this video. A partner telling you that they would cheat on you physically if they didn't do it mentally and indulge in porn on chronic basis, is definitely a sign that something is off and is abusive. I am not sure there is hope anymore of them changing after so many years....
This did a number on me. Sex was always weird in my marriage, starting from the first time we were intimate. He seemed mentally somewhere else and blamed it on being nervous. Later on I found out he’s addicted to porn. He straight up said he’d rather watch porn than have sex with me. We would go months without even kissing and when we finally got to have sex, he tried to recreate a porn fantasy. I felt unseen, degraded and more like an object than a person. It took a couple of years for me to be intimate again with another man.
Oof I've had this exact experience and it traumatised me sexually
Me too...
Totally understand and can relate
Big part of you story I relate too. It was so weird the first time. Months down the road he did something to me without my consent snd he scared me so much. I ask why he did not ask me …he said he thought I would like it , because the two women in the porn scene liked it. I still struggle over that .
This happened to me too! He wanted to set up pornographic scenarios when we had sex and I felt so degraded. He told me what to do, what to wear, how to act, and if he couldn't get going, he blamed it on being nervous.
Viewing pornography is/was a way to get sex and avoid any intimacy.
Exactly
Exactly. Well said. Sex is never romantic anymore. "Romantic" means I act like the women he watches in the videos and not myself.
especially if your partners a narcissist
It can be. And that doesn't necessarily condemn porn as bad. Because sex is MUCH more complicated than the ultimate expression of intimacy (which it may or may not be). Sex has many functions. Not the least of which is procreation. Just like a hug can be an expression of intimacy AND can also be a social greeting, a wrestling move, or the Heimlich maneuver. There's nothing inherently wrong about sex without intimacy just because there is so much right about sex with intimacy. It's highly contextual. There are healthy loving intimate relationships without sex, and there are healthy loving relationships without intimacy.
For example: suppose you are a twenty-year-old heterosexual soldier deployed for a year without opportunity for heterosexual intimacy. Should you accept forced celibacy because intimacy is impossible? Should you masturbate? Should you masturbate but not with porn because that is avoiding intimacy? Should you masturbate but only fantasize about imagined intimacy? Should you become a 'situational homosexual'? Sex is complicated, isn't it?
@Smelly Revolutionary some people resort to porn because they could not get intamcy if their lives depended on it. For them, it is not about avoiding. Quite the opposite.
I am in a same sex marriage and this def played a part in our relationship. It’s clear now. I could never get him to share it with me and couldn’t figure out why. The fantasy of exploring these scenarios is what pulled him into the next “supply”.
This was shockingly, eye-opening for me in regard to the relationship I just left. It’s almost as if you were talking directly about my partner because he fits every single point you hit on. This has been a wonderful validation for myself in knowing that I did the right thing by escaping him when I did. When we are in relationship with people who we believe we are in love with, it’s easy to let them off the hook for things, but this kind of behavior is incredibly toxic and damaging to any possibility of being able to maintain a healthy relationship, which it clearly is not. Thank you for this information. I can’t tell you how much better I feel about myself knowing that my reaction to his compulsive and obsessive engagement in porn is a normal reaction. For me, the worst part about this was that he made me question myself. Gaslighting 101.
I discovered this towards what was to be the end of my 40-year marriage. I was absolutely disgusted, offended and shocked when I accidentally saw what he had left on his screen. I than checked his history and could see it was not a one-time occurrence. When I told him how disrespected it made me feel that he was doing that, “He told me all men do it.” That was not acceptable to me, and on top of his other behaviors, I made my exit plan!
My first question is how did you last so long in that relationship?
Leslie Lang I like how you said that he didn’t really exist, he was a total fake. My textbook covert narcissistic ex was the exact same way. It’s crazy how he would change masks in front of certain people. I didn’t realize that in beginning of our relationship until looking back on it
wiser125 all men do do it that is why this video is soooo absurd.
Nora Peace He is an expert covert. Kept the balance going for years, even though now I am so aware of the red flags along the way that I excused, honestly, in hindsight, for my own benefit as a codependent at times.
Leslie Lang i’m so sorry you went through all of that. I hope that your health is better now. I can only imagine a narcissist definitely bringing you down emotionally, physically, and spiritually. like you said, cardboard people 😂 . It’s scary the fact that he lasted 10 months with being “normal” tho 😳
Dr. Ramani really walked a tightrope here. No moralism, just stating the facts. She's laid it all out in such a way that makes it impossible for even the staunchest defenders of pr0n to wave their finger at her. Well done!
💯
I don't have a problem with porn and have been in relationships since where my partner watched porn that I was aware of. But I noticed other men used porn when sex wasn't available and were always more excited for IRL, narcs kind of hold porn standards above you and make you feel like you're not enough.
@@nicolec9737 open discussion about porn in a relationship can actually be an empowering experience for both. Unfortunately, many, probably most people don't use it that way.
@Clara Carmo, I would have to disagree with your "steelman" assertion as she wasn't debating anyone that was making an argument or a defense of pr0n.
Furthermore, she comes at it from the addictionologist perspective without actually saying the word "addiction" but using "chronic consumerism". I was able to catch quite a few phrases/terms that are used by mainstream addictionologists throughout her video, (e.g., intimacy avoidance (though, apropos in this case as she is speaking on narcissism), shame, "won't stop", compulsive, incapable of love, etc.)
Nobody has the right to demand another adult to avoid forms or art/entertainment because it makes them "feel icky" or "disgusted". Reason being is that it creates an imbalance in the relationship where one plays "Mother" and the other plays "son". In other words it is diminutive to the viewing spouse/boyfriend. I would suggest one of two coping strategies if this behavior is offensive to a wife: 1) leave the relationship or 2) do the research. However, by being simplistic and claiming that the significant other (SO) is either an addict or a narcissist doesn't help the situation. In spite of considerations or expectations to the contrary, an SO who appears to be callous to a wife's emotional state because he secretly views isn't the greatest indicator of narcissism (i.e., there need to be more criteria met in order to diagnose).
If you'd like to hear or read arguments perhaps a sexologist who works in the field of human sexuality would be a good starting point. The Kinsey Institute is one such example of a good place to start researching on this topic.
Dr. Joe Kort is also a fountainhead of knowledge as he too once was on the side of the addiction modality in his therapy practice but has changed his mindset and implemented healthier modalities that help his patients with out of control s** behaviors.
I'm here if you'd like to continue this conversation. If you prefer not to continue I absolutely understand as an intimate partner relationship can be tricky to navigate one's own feelings on the subject of pr0n.
I urge everyone to pay attention to 11:38.
This synced with my 17yr relationship and marriage w an alcoholic narcissist 100%!! Right when I was starting to think that he hadn’t been as bad as I thought…this brought me back & reaffirmed what I already knew. Thank you for making a voice for those who have been gaslit & invalidated for so long.
My ex girlfriend was all about porn. Always saying she watches it but it's not as good as the same thing. When I ended the relationship she told me the only redeeming quality that equated to 75% of her interest of me was the physical sex I delivered. Like really the rest of who all that I am is worth 25% perfect example of sideways put down by discarding the actual human emotional side of me. I laughed at her bold faced, when I was told that she was gonna go back to her ex that he deserves a second chance. Lol I said sounds good to me cya bye. I'm too old for this me me me my way one way street car that can't wait to drop her panties for the first thing she comes in contact with. Sad in a sentence she showed how immoral and lack of regard she had for herself. You just can't respect that and I couldn't continue being with someone of no class and a waste of my time.
Wow! I’m sorry you went through that. But, you give me hope all men aren’t the same! Thank you for sharing. And I pray you find that special woman GOD has in store for you! Blessings
@@mariamartinez5618 I may want all I wish but won't hold my breathe. I realize if God wants to put someone in my life then it will be so. God's watch is not the same as our idea of celestial time. Best to live life fully and when a red flag appears don't embrace it and find a scissors because you think a red heart looks better.
@@mariamartinez5618 You give me hope that all men aren't the same? Do you realize how obnoxious and offensive that is?
This goes for both men and women, if you're even near the edge of hating everyone of the opposite gender please do the universe a favor and stay single.
You dodged a bullet for sure! 😢
Yeah I was gonna say it's more likely that they withhold sex and watch porn instead , to cause harm to your self esteem.
This was my experience and that’s why I’m divorcing that thing.
💯
Yaaassss watched for hours with him but he didn't engage with me and just withheld my needs so when I asked for what I wanted oh chit why did I do that, that's why he won't do so and so cuz it's all about me
I don't know if I'm more relieved or sad that so many others endured what I endured...
How can a man withhold sex? Aren't women the gatekeepers of sex?
I had no idea that there was a connection between narcissism and porn. Knowing this gives me more validation that the problem wasn't me; he told me that I wasn't desirable or exciting enough, and that the porn wasn't a big deal, it was normal. The money he spent, on leaving it laying around the house for our son to find, the statements surrounding my sanity, the embarrassment and sadness that I expressed; it's all here in Dr. Ramani's talk.
Oh your not alone. He told me the same bs and added I was horrible at sex.
@@serenitysmith352 No. it means they would rather have a relationship with porn than with you.
@@serenitysmith352 no!
It’s called an addiction. This video is ridiculous. Coming from somebody who’s trying to quit porn and wishes I was never exposed to it.
Is there a connection between narcissism and women using sex toys in a relationship? I think that’s a totally fair question that I won’t get an honest response to
Interesting! I didn’t know that was going on until I found the tapes when I was packing up my things to leave my home of 22 years after 36 years of marriage. It took me almost all those years to figure out what I was married to… You’ve helped me immensely to come to grips with this nightmare on so many levels and topics. Thank you!
Over 20 years with a narcissist behaving in the manners that you’re speaking of, I always thought there was something wrong with me.
“They feel entitled to their pleasure no matter whom it harms.” This entire video was helpful and spot on. Thank you for creating it. Important topic. ❤️
At the end of my marriage I asked my ex 'Why?'. Why the porn, the hookers?
He admitted he felt entitled to variety.
If anyone has ever wondered... WHY NARC are all alike? Well..it's bc they are DEMONS... infiltrated in human bodies...& DEMONS.. can't NEVER. CHANGE...
@@ThePariskat sounds about right. Selfish people (whether narcissistic or not) see others as a means to an end. It’s never about relationship to another person, it’s about “what can I get from them that I want?”
@@Maria__57 I absolutely believe they are taken over by Satan. My husband was baptized. Didn't change him one iota
My belief is the more it harms the more they want to do it.
The porn addiction was so betraying, then acting out his fantasies almost killed me, he blocked my airway until I passed out, I woke back up, he said it wasn't that bad and for me not to tell anyone. I thought it was my fault until I received therapy, I got out but my heart carries this pain, getting by day by day
That's dark...
I'm so sorry, that's awful, it must had been terrifying for you💔
@@Doctor-Stoppage thank u for the support
@HappyHarbl be careful, I am not a professional but I did see a sex therapist who told me sex addiction is like putting a lid over a boiling kettle, eventually it combust,the urge gets stronger and more intense the more they bottle it up, it is only going to get worse, not better, mine almost killed me
@@Doctor-Stoppage thank u for ur honesty and yes I agree it can be on both sides and I am not discounting but I felt very betrayed by my ex husband and when I did not agree with his wishes he would either rape me or take it out on the kids the next day by being angry, n yes sex addiction does not discriminate, just wish ppl would be more honest with who they really are
I was in denial for so long in my now former marriage. Watching your videos has made me open my eyes and what to look out for in the future. I am a lot stronger person since my divorce and a lot my independent. I think part of my problem was that I was a codependent person and is why I stayed so long in my marriage. I have since learned how to be dependent on myself. It was a great learning experience that I never want to have to "learn" again. Thank you for your videos. They are very informative.
Thank you SO much for this video! My former partner went WAY past pornography, but everything you talked about was right on the money just on a much more disturbing scale. I was thinking my former partner was "just" ASPD but this has confirmed an element of narcissism. Understanding is the beginning of healing I hope.
I was very young in a relationship with a narc. I was pregnant at 18. I didn't know about narcissists...but he had a porn addiction while I was pregnant and tried to make me feel that it was because I wasn't having enough sex with him. It was uncomfortable for me while I was in the last trimester. But he gaslit me so much that I did it anyway. I ended up staying with my ex 12 years...the damage that relationship has done to me...it's going to take a lot of time to get better. At least now I have a name for what he did to me.
karmacomacure I hurt just reading your words. I’m so sorry you have gone through this kind of abuse during pregnancy, and afterwards as well. Sending you some healing hugs.
I hope your life and relationships are more fulfilling now. That was a terrible thing you went through! My heart hurt for you.
@@sarahs5340 thank you..it has been a huge relief to me to know what it's called and that I'm not alone. But I wouldn't wish narcissistic abuse on my worst enemy. It left me a shell and it's so hard to explain to people what you're going through. I wasn't covered in bruises, so people downplayed anything I told them and my ex managed to convince my own family members that I was crazy and unstable. I even protected him in therapy, he gaslit me to the point where I just stopped speaking about it to anyone...which is so typical of that type of abusive relationship. But I'm out now and starting to find myself finally.
Standing with you in solidarity. What you describe is sexual abuse - and I think it’s one of the hardest to face. Putting a name to what we endured is an important step toward healing. Bless you on your path to healing - sending you much strength and light ❤️
I am so sorry that at such a young age you were in such a toxic environment but once you are healed your life will blossom into so much joy! Trust me
I've been married to three narcissists, and all of them were into porn, like every free moment they had or if they were bored in private or social situations, you could find them on their phone looking at porn. I came to believe this was all men. Now that I'm single again, I have a lot of healing to do.
You need to heal your extreme codependency.
Mamita, you are always looking for a hyper-macho. I did too when I was young. It took me one time to wise up.
Sorry you went through so much trauma with those men. It would’ve been so shocking. It’s only in recent time that we are learning about NPD and codependency. Would’ve been hard going though all of that so blindly. It’s confusing and shocking even with all these UA-cam videos to help!
Love
NAILED IT! Thank you! Seriously, you put my mind at ease and validated what I was feeling wasn't me being a "prude" or "insecure" as he always said.
This video gave validation to my feelings and what I went through with my former spouse.
This video was exactly my married life.
I’m stilling healing from my marriage and divorce.
For me also my wife enjoyed sex but with work I wasn’t in the mood very often. She never cheated but would watch porn and pleasure herself in private when I wouldn’t. This video helped me understand how narcissistic she was in doing so. My validation comes from the idea that because I’m not enjoying myself she shouldn’t have either. She was a very selfish woman and should have waited for the times I was in the mood.
It’s kinda like cheating unless it’s watched as a couple (some couples do). It’s basically lusting for someone that isn’t your partner.
Its hard to find a guy who thinks like this 🙁
lust is religious.
yeh that's how my gf made me feel with her addiction but more so with her attitude, I might leave her, but really want her to love and respect me. I moved my kids out back home. She also subtly flirts with guys in public with eye to eye contact and denies it. But after over 2 years of the same coincidences, guys blushing and smiling back at her, i cant be crazy but gaslighted.
@@Pastor_Sempa that’s not good at all, that’s a big red flag for sure and she’s more likely to end up full blown cheating. I had a girl did that in college (would flirt and one time grabbed some dudes hand she knew etc in front of me) and sure enough walked by her dorm and she was with another guy. At the time I didn’t want to be “a jealous guy” but it did bother me. I didn’t know the red flags at the time as young as I was. If anything it’s a form of emotional abuse to be doing that in front of you all the time. Time to find an exit before you get cheated on.
It's fantasy. You don't have those I suppose ? How is that like cheating, there isn't anyone else evolve ?!
It’s videos like these that make me sooo thankful to be SINGLE! Never again
Ravens Moon,you look stunning!
I envy you. Save your life for the rest right person to share it with.
😶😶😶😶
YES, COLLECTING THE PIECES, finding myself, where am I?
@@lioydwilliams1850 smooth
Your videos are so helpful. Each video I watch has definite elements of my life for 11years. I only stayed as long as I did because I need to keep my son safe until he was old enough to refuse going on visitation. It was the only way to keep him safe and then I got out and my son took my name back vs his father’s adoptive name! Even the judge praised us for taking my maiden name back!! My son’s wife told me I was a terrible mother for staying. That comment cut deep but she knew very little about all that happened and how Once I figured out what was going on I never left my son alone for a second ‘
I am shaking and have a flying heart rate and feel weak and nauseas watching this video. It’s a wonderful video it’s just incredibly hard to sit through
Huge sign too is when a guy sends you photos of his junk you never asked for whatsoever.
Yup!
As a feminine male who dates masculine men...this is SO INCREDIBLY TRUE! Unsolicited pics means he generally has no regard for you/your boundaries due to porn consumption.
And not only the unsolicited pics, but the ex narc I dealt with wanted me to explicitly & graphically tell him how much I wanted him, what I wanted to do to him, etc. I went along with it sometimes, but always thought it was strange - it didn’t feel natural to me (and no other man I was involved with was ever like that).
As a masculine man who dates men, I am delighted to receive a pic of his junk. But I do think it is impolite if the context does not call for it. You should be thankful instead of complaining, he just let you know he's not your type. While impolite, it is total honesty--quite the opposite of those who spend their life telling little white lies and gossiping.
Thank you!!! Im now seeing the light
Holy crap, THANK YOU! My ex had porn magazines stashed in the closet. He had porn videos. And he showed me one really early in our dating relationship. Early on it was sex sex sex all the time. He introduced me to sex, and of course I liked it, but then he called me a “nympho”. And when I asked if we would go parking one time, he said no. Odd. Later in our marriage he said “you have ice water in your veins” bc I wasn’t as eager to have sex after all his berating, name calling and yelling. Wow. Now it makes sense! I was so very confused and I blamed myself for many many years.
You were fresh meat and he tried to mold you to do what he wanted and be under your control. I am so glad you are out of that horror of a "relationship."
Wow this must be a real thing, so many comments. Very brave of everyone to speak up , very good of dr. Ramani to talk about this.
They have addictive personalities porn is one of the biggest addictions today.
Yes
YES SIR! SO TRUE.
It absolutely felt excessive.
He also took pictures of me I asked him not to take and I caught him filming me when I told him not to. When I asked him to delete them he told me he was sad my self esteem was so low and he wanted pics/video for himself.
Oh yes! They tend to love taking sneaky photos and videos without asking. Very disturbing!
That happened to me too
Ugh, so manipulative. My heart sank reading this. Hugs to you.
Omg!!!
Exit strategy....
Ooh yes! “God would understand me looking at porn because I don’t get it from my wife” “you need to step it up as a wife” “it’s like I don’t even have a wife” ..I try to step it up but he then criticize how I have sex. You can’t win with them. Then I don’t want sex it’s too painful for me to have sex with someone that’s been so cruel to me. “I wish you wouldn’t remember stuff I said when I was mad”. I tried to get us to marriage counseling and she sided with him saying I’m denying my husband and telling me she wants me to get a lingerie nightgown to wear to bed with him. My stomach turns.
My narc husband has joined networks and watched thousands of downloaded porn videos which I initially accidentally discovered shortly after our marriage 25 years ago. As a survivor of child sexual abuse I found some of it VERY confronting; the scene he left as a screensaver on our shared PC still is starkly etched in my memory. I had told him very early on after we started dating that I would never compete; porn to me definitely fits that situation and upsets me greatly for a variety of reasons, including that I see it as degrading and devaluing women and children aka me and that it is a form of serial cheating. In retrospect I should have seen the multitude of red flags then and, instead of ignoring it and hoping he took to heart what I said, should have reported him and his then network to the police and quit the marriage while I was still of independent means.
A few weeks ago, after I was given access again, I discovered while he was asleep that he has been using MY original email address and MY domain, which I seldom use because my access is restricted, again on our supposedly shared PC, for at least the past 3+ years to visit and subscribe to websites and download wholesale all sorts of porn, thousands of videos. He has also set up his profiles on all sorts of porn hookup sites, including claiming to be bi and gay. His presence and profiles on other dating and hookup sites contradict that but now I not only don't know who I am married to and also find that I am still being cheated on and competing in a much wider field than I imagined. I am also concerned that I am the person who the police will come after if his history is investigated. His email and domain are squeaky clean. Despite his assurances as recently as 2 weeks ago that I have always had complete access to the PC and he had nothing to hide from me, for years I was unable to use the PC except for for short specific stints under his close over-the-shoulder supervision after he had logged me on. As of last night I can no longer access any of my email and my domain has been stripped. At the same time I am expected to be the dutiful mother/wife circumscribed by all of his other narc characteristics, supplying the good social front and accessory etc. But I cannot and will not go on in this cat and mouse game of his manipulation and porn addiction. It makes me feel completely worthless.
Please get help and get out while you can state police have a way to identify IP ADDRESSES Internet Crimes Division can open a case
@@jacquelinehinson834 I reported to relevant police authority in my country, providing brief detail of a couple of examples I had managed to gain while I briefly had access. The person I spoke with laughed at me and dismissed my report as unfounded as I could not provide material evidence.
@@jacquelinehinson834 I have voiced my concerns in detail several times to the local police, providing examples from the diary I have been keeping of incidents. Their recommendation was to phone emergency asap if anything untoward happens and I feel unsafe.
It's not really about erotic media itself, it's the disrespect to the people around them either by dehumanizing others or disregarding another persons boundaries (i.e inappropriate exposure to minors/their children, a tool of manipulation, or ignoring a partners discomfort). It's like the bi person (speaking as a bisexual man myself) who uses their sexuality as a scapegoat for infidelity
What bisexual actually does that though??
Stop spreading the idea we're all freaking nymphos.
@@helmaschine1885 Exactly. They’re talking about how that would be wrong, manipulation, and just an excuse. I really don’t think that he’s saying that bisexuals are like that, he’s talking about how abusive people could use that stereotype to excuse their behavior
@@oddcontent5152 that's exactly what I was saying. I'm bi, and bisexuality has nothing to do with being an asshole (nor does nymphomania either, it's a medical disorder). I was just using the example that people can manipulate others while using sexuality as a scapegoat. These things aren't at all abusive by themselves, but narcissists will use any damn thing that suits them to gaslight and guilt-trip people into doing what they want. I'm sorry you took it that way @HelMaschine
Can't disagree about intentionally exposing others to unwanted porn but I see several comments here by people "catching" their partner watching porn by snooping on them. To me THAT is disregarding a very personal boundary big time. What another person does with their own sex organ in private is their business and their business alone. Any shaming or trying to control that - especially to force the person into having sex - is closely akin to sexual assault.
Mike Jones, I believe these people aren’t waking up in the morning wanting to play Colombo. (The raincoats and cigars would be a killer). Something is amiss and when you’re gaslighted, lied to etc. you want the truth. Check back about two videos from the good Doc; she explains it better
I went through this 2 years ago. He said all the things u said he’d say! “Every guys does it” “we haven’t been having sex, what was I supposed to do?” “At least I’m not cheating “ ( which he was)
diane bicho,You deserve better 🙏🙏🙏
Stereotypes are part of the pride and prejudice roler coster of a narc life.
Thank you, so much,
Dr. Ramani. This is so helpful.
I received a great deal from your timely and respectful address on this topic.
I am grateful for the knowledge, the wisdom, the expertise that you bring.
Thank you again, Dr. Ramani, for your genuine care, genuine truth, genuine integrity, and complete commitment and dedication that you bring to us.
Stacy Murphy.
I know it's been awhile since you made this video, but THANK YOU!! It's been over 10yrs since I was able to escape, physically, from that marriage. I am in another marriage with someone who truly loves me and is a partner, but I am still plagued with trauma in many areas and this topic being probably the most difficult. It's a toss up between the porn and the unrelenting rage. Both were a constant struggle. Thank you for your videos and sharing your knowledge with us. I'm not sure if my experience was full on narcissistic abuse or not(not for me to say), but I know that the abuse I endured was horrific and seems impossible to fully overcome.
While none of the narcs who've I've encountered were porn addicts, every single one of them had intimacy issues.