Why Having Boundaries Help You Be MORE CONNECTED
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- Опубліковано 5 сер 2024
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A lack of boundaries is a HUGE reason why people with CPTSD go into avoidance and isolation. It SEEMS like setting limits might make you lonely, but when you can learn to set healthy boundaries, you can afford to let people IN to your life. This video is one video from my new, 30-day online course CONNECTION BOOTCAMP, to help you heal trauma wounds that keep you isolated, and learn to form healthier and happier relationships with the people in your life. You learn more and register in the link below.
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Toxic people don't respect you for saying no. So if someone resents you for saying No they are toxic. Very helpful litmus test.
Very true! But even getting to where we think we can say "no" is a lot of work for some of us! Sometimes we don't even see the option. This is where the course work can really help!
-Cara@TeamFairy
What if what someone is saying no to is something that you can or cannot do, and is about controlling someone else?
@@peepsicle find other way to get whatever you need done.
I wish I had learned that sooner
That's true. I actually have no problem saying no, but so often I'm judged by people because of that, and that's where brain fog kicks in.
This amazing woman is single handedly knocking down monstrously formidable prison walls and liberating countless suffering souls .
I'm one of them .
I thank God for her .
And I'm unspeakably grateful to her for bothering ....
Words aren't enough .
WOW! Thanks for that awesome comment!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@ Jackie Ann : Could not have said it better myself.
I like how you expressed your gratitude. Feel the same.
I learned how to set boundaries at the age of 57. It didn't help me make friends, but, it helped me like myself, so there is that. 🙂
That's a positive :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am not easily triggered after working long and hard to create boundaries. Having healthy boundaries is a win-win. There is no losing in it.
Well put!
Always say no, because it is easier to modify to a yes than to modify a yes into a no. Two year olds have it right.
I had been working with a family and their kids with special needs. When an older sibling, who had anger management issues, was walking around with a hunting knife. I told the parents(my boss) that I did not feel safe in the home with these knives about. So they fired me. Although I feel so easily dismissed, I stand firm with that boundary!
I'd never even heard of boundaries until about 5 years ago. Likewise, I had no idea that "feelings" could be felt in the body. I was 100% in my head. I'm slowly learning how to "listen" to my body's reactions. And, boy, it sucks because I know that what I now sense as emotional flashbacks were so intense that I completely blocked them from my awareness for decades. Looking back and realizing the impact of my childhood abuse is tragic. I'm actually looking forward to the day when my therapist can finally get me to cry or scream or any damn thing other than "Uh, uh. I see. I get that."
Sounds like you were in a survivor's mode and some of us are there for a long time. Welcome to a journey of real healing, there are a lot of resources available to learn more about the CPTSD condition and what methods have worked for many of us to feel liberated! www.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same here
why dont you try screaming just for the hell of it? if you do it under water or into a pillow you wont disturb or scare anyone and it feels really good.
Yes! Learning to outright say "No thank you" is so empowering. I wouldn't lie about things (that's the whole problem) but having to avoid people who just take from you can run your life.
A woman I know said to me "you dress like that just to go shopping?" (skirt and sweater and heeled loafers)... I just looked right at her and said "yes" and smiled :) She squirmed, not me.
I avoided and hid from some people that live near me as they constantly hounded me to come to dinner. Finally I just looked her right in the face and said "I do not want to socialise". No excuses, just make a statement. Make them the idiot, not you.
People in public ask "how's the family" I just say I no longer have contact with any of them- and interestingly people say how they always thought they were kind of strange. I am not going to lie for my family.
And yes, I AM amazed by myself, increasingly more and more :)
Owning it is a great tool! "yes, this is how I dress". end of sentence. Love it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I loved reading your comment! I can totally relate as I'm in a similar stage in my life. I got to a point where I had to finally set boundaries to my nosy friends who were constantly neding to find things wrong with my life. They judge everything including: I'm very happily single (whilst they are miserable in their relationships), I'm renting a condo right now instead of buying a house, or because I voluntarily left the corporate world and am making a comfortable living doing what I love, ...the ridiculous list goes on. And those conversations go like this: They ask a question about my life, then I would reluctantly answer them, then they pry more, then make a rude, judgmental comment when it was none of their business in the first place! So yes, I do avoid those nosy people, I just don't like being around them! And when that question does come up, I just say, "I'm incredibly happy!", and when they ask "why, did something happen?", I answer "no, I'm just happy!" and then I divert the prying and say, "how are you?" .....I'm just done with prying/nosy/judgemental/rudeness, and I'm absolutely loving having my boundaries for the first time in my life at 53! What a concept! 💞
Good for you!
Hi Ann. Awesome story. Love positive practice of your Boundary style.✊🏼
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy You go Girl! I love clothes and jewelry and dress up most days at the senior community where I live. Ladies ask me, oh you look nice, where are you going? Sometimes I say, 'no where-fast!' or if I'm doing laundry, or just taking the dog for a walk. I dress for me and 9 times out of 10, it makes me feel better. A baggy t-shirt and shorts don't do anything for me. Isn't Anna great?
I find having boundaries and taking care of myself makes me attractive to healthy people. Trying to keep hard boundaries around toxic people feels exhausting. Keeping boundaries around healthy people feels good...makes me feel good about me and finally, it feels like people are actually interested in being close to me in a healthy, edifying ways....
Most excellent video CCF, thank you
Great point! Boundaried people attract boundaried people :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you.
How interesting 🧐! Lack of boundaries is disconnecting and people triggering us is also disconnecting
I am not easily triggered after working long and hard to create boundaries. Having healthy boundaries is a win-win. There is no losing in it.
:)
@@Cvandyful AMEN.
I just went through this last week. I'm back in the game now though. Disregulation = lack of boundaries. I let people get away with things I wouldn't otherwise let them get away with. I hate to say this but I feel like hormones add to this problem. One week a month it's really bad.
Getting out of isolation is terrifying. My body gos into fight 9r flight when I'm around people I don't know. I still get incredibly nervous around people I do know. So much self consciousness keeps me away from everyone. I avoid friends. They get it, but its still not fair to them. Healing is such a slow, painful process. I shouldn't have waited until I'm almost 40 to do anything about it, but I had really given up. I've never had any positive support. So these videos most likely have saved my life. At least I'm trying now. So thank you very much.
Me too, we need to start a club....
Same here...I’m 45 and just figuring myself out after childhood trauma and 20 something years of drugs and alcohol. Thank y’all for making me not feel alone.
@@she_nola1759 I'm 65 and just stumbled onto this channel and am so grateful. I've been in and out of therapy, some issues are better but therapy never addressed everything. Her point that our brains were wired differently because of childhood abuse makes sense and better still, there is something we can do about it. I'm happy that I may still have a chance to get this under control.... Good luck on your journey Sherri, may we all find peace and contentment!
Awesome support happening :)
I never had that support either. I also chose idiots as friends that would sooner stab me in the back rather than support me
Yes! I just watched the video about trauma and decisions and was thinking about boundaries. Not allowed to have boundaries when a kid made me sitting duck for abuse and bad choices or isolation. Crap fit or loneliness.
I experienced a similar thing, I also was not allowed to have boundaries. Now as and adult I still feel like "other people" are "allowed" to say no and that their needs are more important, but anything I want or feel doesn't matter at all. Working on this but it's hard, it's been a lifelong habit reinforced by toxic family members.
This is hard for everyone, hence the supportive community we have here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
He told me everything about himself. I thought it was because he trusted me and felt close to me. And I had told him things I don’t tell many people because I thought we had a special, intimate friendship. But when I needed him, I needed help and support, things fell apart. He retreated for a while and abandoned me when I was really fragile... then the next time I saw him he needed ME, and in my own people-pleasing way, I took him back into my heart. A couple months later, it was over forever.
He claimed he never asked for all this love and caring I gave him, and that we were never even friends. When I asked him why I knew so much about him, he said “I’m pretty open” and “you were the only one there.” He was either a raw, open wound begging me for healing, or cold and distant.
And right after things ended between us, the pandemic happened, and I’m pretty sure he’s all alone. It breaks my heart, but I’m caring for ME now. I created my very first boundary and it protects both of us from what had become a very toxic and imbalanced relationship.
And the best thing was my realization that I could do that. So I started creating other boundaries, standing up for myself and my own worth. I hope he learned the same lesson.
Good for you, you're doing great!
I hear this. I repeated this pattern with a friend, and am now learning this for myself. Helping him, being available to him, getting nothing in return was replaying my childhood dynamic and felt good.
It hurts to not be with him yet I know it's not good for me.
I'm still working on boundaries at 52. It's never to late to start healing our childhood.
What a creep! And what a terrible conversation. So glad you got away and you’re more aware.your comment really helped confirm the times I’ve been in similar situations.
Also, to begin with I found it helpful to know that if I said yes and did not want to I can go back, and change my mind. It is not ideal but the mechanism to agree is very deeply rooted and takes a long time to change.
When I actually really "got" that I could change my mind, my friggn' life changed. It took a lot of writing out fears to get there for me though
-Cara@TeamFairy
Great video. When your parents have used shame to control your behavior as a child, then as adults, you have no boundaries. It's like the elephant that was conditioned as a child with a leash tied to a pole so it couldn't leave. But once it was an adult, the chain was removed, but it would not venture beyond the length of the chain it had during childhood. I think humans are the same way.
Perfectly said.
Yes, I've isolated for decades off and on because of my CPTSD symptoms from a Traumatic Child and adulthood. Everyday is practice for me now. Things are looking up.
NORMAL people respect you more when you set boundaries. There are, however, others. Lots of others.
Those "others" will be less & less around you at all as the boundaries get stronger :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy SO true.
This is not entirely true, as sometimes we can get “addicted to boundary setting,” as I like to put it, as a kind of control over others. I’ve seen myself and my husband “set boundaries” as a way to control eachother, and then violate eachothers boundaries over and over again. Setting impossible standards that others WILL violate so that you can become self righteously upset and leave can become a problem also
@@peepsicle True, but I meant reasonable boundaries.
I love that you exist. Thank you angel for being brave enough to heal to help heal us too 🥺💖
"No one actually wants the resentful "yes."" Amen!
:)
Some people don't care what type of Yes they get,any kinda Yes will do 😡
I am still learning boundaries and healing my people pleasing tendencies. It’s very hard but I see progress & I wish progress to everyone❤️
I love the way you want good for everyone!
So helpful and clear. Thanks, Anna🙏🏻 i have trouble w phone calls. In general. I found it liberating to allow myself to answer my phone if a friend’s calling but I don’t want to talk to say, “I’m just saying hi, wanted to hear your voice, can I call you back later?” Freeeeeedom, and let’s me still feel connected, and my friend feel my love and value for our connection.
Great work-around :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's weird how my poor boundaries put me in bad situations, then I continuously hint I am not ok with the situation... Then somehow it still feels hurtful and like rejection when they leave. It both feels like a relief and hurts.
Yes, completely understand that feeling. Clear and strong boundaries are a huge challenge, there is a lot of help on this channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I wanted to share that most of my life I had no concept of boundaries because my parents (especially my mother) did not respect boundaries. When I finally learned about boundaries and how great it felt to live comfortably, I realized that I had been invading other people's boundaries because the concept was unknown to me! I enjoy people, and they enjoy me, so much more now that boundaries come natural. It's such a more free and relaxed existence!
Thank you so much for sharing that hard won experience!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I find that my family does want a resentful “yes”. As long as I do what’s expected of me, they’re fine!
The last conversation I had with my mother (of whom I was an emotional surrogate spouse too) was to "explain" why I had "changed". I said that for my mental/emotional/energetic/physical health I had started to practice sticking to my boundaries and communicating them. She of course was raised in a boundaryless environment and decided to argue that I didn't need any and that it was wrong. Well...that is why I needed them in the first place.
Good you recognized what you needed.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for helping me understand how severe an issue this is with me. The things you mentioned up front, have you ever found yourself doing any of these things, I certainly think of done most if not all of them. Just to avoid dealing with people or feeling like I just can't handle any more of whatever may or may not be happening. I just feel like I can't handle a single other thing. Thank you so much for all of these and for the course, I'm taking it now and it's absolutely amazing and it's so good to finally know that it's not medication that's healing me, it's my therapist and your videos and courses along with a very good support system. I always thought it was something that medicine had to fix, and now I'm not on medicines anymore because I don't have to be and it's just outstanding. Thank you so much
So glad you are having such a positive experience with the course! Thanks for sharing.
I’m 44 years old and in the last year I’ve tried to start the healing process of sexual abuse, controlling and manipulative mother and being raped at 21. I honestly had no idea what boundaries were until maybe November. I never knew what boundaries were, that I should have them or not how to set boundaries. I feel almost embarrassed to say that.
Not embarrassing at all, we hear the word but it't pretty meaningless when dysregulated
Cara@TeamFairy
I’m 60 years old and I am only just learning to say No ... my late patents stripped my courage to say No when I really wanted to because they made me feel guilty so much ...duty I guess .. WHAT duty, looking back there wasn’t any respect from them, just power ... I’d learned ( unfortunately) to bimble on and worst still JUSTIFY my reasoning... how controlling was that . Well, no more , if I feel No is my answer ...I’m gaining the courage to MEAN IT . AND NOT JUSTIFY XX 😚
It is NOT unusual for survivors of CPTSD to need extra help around setting up boundaries. The problem with saying "no" is sometimes we don't even see it as an option. I'm so glad you are getting more courage. There is more help at the Crappy Childhood Fairy community too if you need it bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love your videos and advice. I have isolated myself after a physical assault 18 months ago, I felt I couldn’t cope with anymore drama. Now I feel stronger to get back out there, however isolating has lost me friendships. I’m working on rebuilding my confidence and motivation to get into life.
Anna! Thank you for this amazing definition of boundaries. I had it backwards. I thought boundaries meant keeping people and things out. But I understand now that having good boundaries means being clear inside yourself about what you are and are not ok with. It was one of those moments when I instantly ‘got it’.
You are authentically helpful! I'm glad to have have been brought upon this channel! Thank you for all your help!!
I have never had boundaries with my now 90 year old mom because of her controlling, manipulative, neglectfulness from my childhood through today. Now she needs my care help and I remain fearful of her neglect, etc. from my childhood. I feel woefully obligated as she is my mother. I don't know where to begin with boundaries for my own well being while being around her wants or needs as she shows dementia with anger, accusation, and/ or forgetfulness of her negative actions. Yikes.
I'm glad you found your way here too! Lots of help here.
This is truly a great time to check out the Healing Childhood PTSD course, it can REALLY help you get through this period. Better yet, become a member and meet up with us to write/meditate and chat about coursework :)
www.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
I cannot believe how precisely true this is.
Ehm... narcissists DON'T respect boundaries. Saying no to a narc incites some serious retraumatising behaviour.
Oh I got my boundaries now.
Thank you Anna 🙏🏼🌺 This is the clearest description of boundaries I’ve ever heard in decades of therapy and self-study!
Glad that was helpful for you. Thank you for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I’m just starting this & realizing I need to re-listen to this on repeat!
:)
Oh WOW, Thank you! I didn’t realise my avoidance is caused by my lack of boundaries.
Thank you for linking this in your video from today. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm having trouble with a therapist I've started seeing, about a specific issue. Last time we spoke, I ended up feeling far worse afterwards than before, so I had to look into why. After writing it out, I realised it was because she had crossed several of my boundaries. She'd said "I think you're doing X because of Y," instead of asking me if that could be true. It wasn't and I knew it so I immediately said no, that wouldn't be something I'd do. Her response was to laugh derisively. Typically, I froze. Earlier in the conversation she'd asked me what I do when I'm dysregulated, and I told her I freeze. (I told her about you, and how much you've helped me.)
We've talked enough at this point for her to know what she assumed wasn't what I was doing, because I'd already shown her otherwise, which is why I wasn't prepared for this. There were a few other things, but that was the worst.
No one knows me better than I do, no one is more invested in my healing than I am, and certainly no one is more responsible for it than I am. The purpose of this is my healing, not her imposing her erroneous assumptions on me and then not believing me when I tell her what is or isn't in reality going on.
Between now and when we next speak, I'm going to have to write her an email addressing these issues, and then discuss it at our next meeting. Being someone who goes into freeze as a result of CPTSD, this isn't going to be easy, but it has to be done. I think we're not a good fit, and that her own unresolved issues are in the mix. It happens.
I had to wait several months to see her. Because of Covid and many people having issues coming out of it, there's a shortage of therapists. But, better to go it alone, or not alone, because thankfully there are your videos, which I've experienced tangible results from in just a few months, than to try to "crap fit" a therapist, who isn't very good and will leave me, at least this last session, feeling extremely dysregulated when I felt fine and was making significant progress, before it.
But, I'm going to use it as a learning opportunity to establish and maintain my boundaries and deal with the discomfort of speaking my truth. There's value in this.
So much insight into what happened and the boundaries you want to create. Well done!
-Cara@TeamFairy
So helpful, so grateful for your channel. Thank you so much! ❤️🙏🏼
So true! Loving this. No more avoiding. Thanks Anna 🤍🙏
I let a toxic stranger sexually harass me for months [ before I found this channel, thank you for doing this ❤] because I thought if I ignored it and politely said no he would leave me alone . It didn't work. I gathered evidence and eye witnesses and finally told HR , not sure what the outcome will be [ retribution? More stalking? ] but at least I took the first step !
Lack of boundaries. The story of my life.
I've always felt so paralyzed by this🥺 I didn't know it had terminology and that it is a lot more common than I thought. I have always felt like such a bad person for shrinking away from people when I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with their needs. I do need more alone time than is probably healthy at times, and more so since getting out of an abusive relationship with someone with strong narcissistic personality traits. This is so incredibly validating, I'm so glad to have found your channel ❤
Also glad you found the channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is very educational for childhood violence survivors wellbeing and happiness , thank you😊💕
Thank you for the insight. I have been in a period of avoidance and isolation out of necessity (or so I thought). I didn't realize that my lack confidence in creating and upholding boundaries is what has been causing me to feel powerless. It feels reassuring to know that listening to myself and and expressing my boundaries is an option available to me.
Glad it was helpful!
Learning boundaries is extremely important. And I have had to learn boundaries. The responsibility boundary in reference to a father and child support by itself is a shot at being a father, if not being balanced with a responsibility of the mother to support the father by prioritizing time with the father.
Being a single father Responsibility on the mother is not held accountable. Yet society easily takes shots at men but rarely do is it ever the other way towards mothers.
You could say I’ve been Triggered by that reference.
I do appreciate your content and it has helped in my understanding.
Wow thanks Anna I've never thought of the relationship in between lack of boundaries and disconnection but now I do!
Happy to help!
Wow, as always, very timely and relevant for what I'm currently experiencing! I'm soaking in all your content and learning so much.
You got this!
Thank you for this message!
I have a problem of spilling my guts out to folks
Relate :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hello miss fairy. Wow the freedom of it all in standing up to being me with practicing my awareness of telling the truth and the rewards of self care & respect. Thank You ☺️.
You are so welcome
If you can learn to have better boundaries you can" "afford to let people in
Thank you!
Thank you for watching!
Wow, this really shed light.
I always thought avoiding when I couldn’t handle things or nosy topics *was* setting boundaries….and here you flipped it on its head and showed me how avoidance was because I didn’t know how to face those situations with healthy boundaries.
I’m learning so much from your channel. 🙏🏻
I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy It has been immensely helpful. The problem is, as you gain clarity on your life, while the the cptsd trauma wasn’t your fault, it can feel really overwhelming to realize and take accountability for the dysfunctional relationships, the living in fantasy, the time wasted, the people hurt because of it. 🥺🥺🥺
I’m almost 60 but at least Im doing the healing work which your channel and courses are now a part of 🙏🏻
Oh good grief---that's me and getting worse! I don't answer the phone. Sometimes the door, I'm pretty good with email though, lol. But I don't blame others. Thank you.
This is me except I don't fear dying alone.
One less fear, that's great :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thanks SO much for this. I've had this in Watch Later for a while, and I listened to it on a day when I just need to say no, not today to someone else.
Perfect!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for a very practical , clear explanation of the way to do boundary setting & it's benefits.
Thanks for watching! Glad it was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Needed to hear this. Thank you.
You are so welcome
Ahhh.... Such a breath of fresh air!!!! Thank you xD
Ok I signed up . First I’m doing the course on disregulation because I can’t connect when I disregulate. I don’t know where my boundaries are I only know they must be somewhere at the other side of disregulation
That's great. Welcome to the course!
Thankyou❤
Very helpful insight that is much needed.thank you 🙏
Glad it was helpful!
So much of this hit home. I often feel the train veered off on the wrong track years ago and I am so far from where I’m supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing that I don’t even know what those things are any longer… and I don’t know where to go from here.
Thank you for this great video...Your channel has helped me so much ♥
I'm so glad!
Thanks for this vid, always helpful
Happy to help!
Some people can't handle being told no - and will punish you for a lifetime for it .
Wonderful!! 🙏🙌😘👌✨ yes, this is all so clear to me now (finally!!!) ☺️
Wonderful!
People have boundaries. The problem is that others cross the line so often and most of society has a monetary obligation to act like victims are at fault
I understand how you feel. We learn in the courses how to become more empowered to handle situations that only had us bitter before.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Why should I even consider having close to me people who are disrespectful or draining with their questions or rudeness, who I must protect myself against? People who really are suppose to be close to me are the ones who dont have a need to drain others for energy with their stupid questions and attitude. If I need to set boundaries it means that the person should not be in my life at all!
With CPSD, we often read situations wrong, send messages we don't know we are sending, or blame others when we are triggered and assume it is their fault. The list goes on in the various ways we set ourselves up. We learn a lot about ourselves as we heal :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's hard to have authentic connection when you are in a lack of boundaries of abundance of comparison. Expecting things to be another way keeps us from being what we are.
Right on!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is so helpful! 💙💙💙
I'm so glad!
I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I don't like confrontation so its easier to make excuses sometimes or ignore contact. Maybe something I need to work on. Thanks! ❤😊
Thanks for sharing!
You’re awesome!!
You too!!
Authentic and clear .thanks for sharing
My pleasure 😊
You are such a wonderful lady
Thanks so much!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank YOU💎cos your videos saved my life🍀
I was diagnosed with cptsd in the mid nineties. Still it’s rare that any one close who knows about it. It’s a cross on ones back that’s for sure
Frustratingly slow to be a diagnosis, but you are with like minded folks here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes I do all of these things.
So glad you're here, thanks for watching!
It feels like a result of the failure of my upbringing and not knowing how to be a person. I guess that's where boundaries are important but I guess I never understand what the boundaries are and what they even should be. Can you speak on religious trauma someday if you have a mind to? I think a lot of people probably struggle with it.
Yes, Anna would you discuss this topic of religious trauma? There's a fair bit of that out here in New England. Much appreciated.
Btw I give homework assignments to my clients to watch your videos hahahaha
Specific questions or topics like this should be emailed to Anna at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks, will do
@@M_SC Definitely going to check that out
Awesome question thanks for bringing that subject up religious trauma has happened to me too a reason why I chose to disconnect myself from a lot of Christian’s I love God Jesus and Holy Spirit and at the moment God is healing my heart that “the church” couldn’t help with - these videos are also so amazing
Yep
:)
What do I do when I consistently end up in situations where I believe I've politely said no, but other people insist that they had no idea that I said "no"? I can't tell if they ignored my no because it was inconvenient to them or if I'm actually being so polite that they don't realise I said no? Fwiw I find that neurodivergent people are often able to understand me just fine.
I don't think I need to justify ignoring anyone. Most people are irrational and a waste of my time.
Damn, real talk
:)
The problem with people pleasing is that you want to please them and you reluctantly agree to something but most of the time they aren't even pleased because they don't even care that much. I'm currently in a situation I don't want to be in because I couldn't say no. It's nothing too bad - organizing an event, but I'm so angry at myself. I tried to bow out, but then got persuaded... Just couldn't say no. And I know if I did nobody would care much and it's really optional and that the reason I agreed was because people were trying to be supportive and tell me I'll be alright and they'd help etc. So i can't blame them for taking advantage or overstepping a boundary. It's just me and my inability to say no.
I hear you, it can be incredibly difficult to say no and create healthy boundaries, but it is absolutely worth it to work on healing and learn to break that pattern. I'm really glad you're here. -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy is there a video you can reference on ways to say no? Im serious. I need examples for my social toolbelt.
No to food your host presents to you when you’re vegan, no to dates you no longer want to pursue, no to a variety of life situations. How do you let people down gracefully, to hurt feelings as little as possible, but honor one’s correct, and healthy boundaries.
It’s a muscle I need to build.
Disconnect to connect
When it’s caused by a trigger it’s more like a blind spot where we can’t see what’s actually happening.
That is rarely true for me these days, but I've had the benefit of these methods. I'm so happy to say that I rarely get completely blindsided anymore.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy only recently I am able to see but still not as quick to recognize that it was triggered. Very nice to hear from you directly. Glad that there is hope and it can definitely change for the better.
So THIS explains why I hate to call or take a call from a friend for the past few years! 🤦♀️🥴🙄😬🥴🤣💥 Thank you, Anna!
Glad it helped :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Please do a follow up to this there’s lots of great questions in the comments!!
Thank you for the suggestion :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow I do not feel like I have a choice after I commit. Wow changing my mind has never been an options for me.
I have them, but no one respects them. I have no walls; I'm not allowed to have any, and the message is that I am ridiculous, and don't deserve any.
You're not ridiculous- healing is hard work, glad you are here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've been there,just within the past year I've come to realize that due to my being an enabler that most my life I never Spoke Up & that just caused all this resentment and anger.Nobody respected me because I very rarely demanded Respect.If we allow bad behavior..someone will for sure show us some
The trouble is when i say no. The opertunity doesn't come back around I'm still left isolated.
Gosh, you know your stuff
People are just plain triggering. Yes. But not that i blow people off. Cause i ridiculously accept EVERYONE. But people are triggering. I know what to say to folks, I learned the long hard way and mostly jn 12 step program that had actual healing. But nobody pursues me and the one family i am jn touch with has zero boundaries. Simply not the emotional intelligence and awareness to understand boundaries. Sad. I would Love love love to have the opportunity to establish boundaries and yet, have others stick around. Right now, there is no opportunity. Well small ones w strangers. I want connection. I want connection. I fumbled around trying to figure it out. No chance. I love your take on responsibility boundaries. I’ve accepted so little. Now I know a great way to phrase why during cancer treatment my brother and his family were no show. Why when we had appointments and family was no show - responsibility boundary. I am glad to name it.
That's great! Thanks for being here :)
Being in two toxic relationships and having spent most of my adult years raising my two daughters alone while having to protect them has resulted in all of us having PTSD. I was also a middle child who was extremely sensitive and often told I was overly so. My mother was a bit controlling, but I realize it was because my dad was bipolar and she had to do everything. Family was chaotic. My daughters struggle with adhd and my youngest has severe OCD and is on the autism spectrum. I am disabled with RA. We seem to trigger each other and often isolate due to that. How can I set boundaries with my kids who need help and have so much difficulty even trying to manage minimal tasks?
To set healthy boundaries we really need help uncovering fear & resentments. This free mini course is hugely helpful bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
What are some good standard boundaries to have? I know one I have is the fact that I’ve given up any and all alcohol for personal reasons and yet have a friend who knows why and still tries to convince me to have “just one”.
Putting up boundaries made me have no one
If there is a lot to heal from, you might need some more help with the CPTSD. Better boundaries really come from doing real healing work :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Think this is a positive statement? If you learn to respond to the moment without inner hesitations, you don't perceive boundaries any more?
I know what you are saying - I think I became overly rigid about boundaries and didn’t know how to express them without some intensity ( because I was defensive )
One thing I did was look up ways to say no politely because I honestly didn’t know how.
There are times when you are I. Transition from one way of being to another that can be lonely. Support groups are so helpful for those times and to practice better relationship skills.
And spending time with God- journaling about times you had to set a boundary and how it felt and how the other person reacted-
I wish you a great connection with yourself, God and a few other people who you can be free to be yourself with- who love and understand you.
Oh nosy Aunt Rosie!
I have a question: there were some people I used to be friends with who were always moping around, complaining about life, clearly were anxious and depressed, and when I tried to offer them help, they never wanted to actually go out and seek it. When I was around these people, I felt like I had to "mother them". I feel gross even remembering those people because they were so childlike and yet didn't want to seek help. I cut off ties with them, but when you mention that 'not picking up the phone when a depressed friend calls and pretending you didn't get it', it made me think, to what extent do we have to hear depressed people talk about their problems when it burdens us? I don't mean to sound cold and heartless and I was diagnosed with depression in the past, so it's not like I've never been through what they're going through. However, when I was depressed, I eventually stopped moping around friends and family and got serious professional help. I don't feel guilty not picking up the phone anymore to a miserable person who asked for help but never took the advice...am I supposed to feel guilty?
I had the same questions when I heard that bit. Sometimes I feel guilty for not being able to summon that "emotional bandwidth" required to take in and sit with a friend's emotions and dark times... When it happens, it's hard to justify (to them or even just to myself), especially when my own anxiety, tiredness or depressed mood doesn't seem to have obvious triggers or reasons. I feel selfish or weak, when they're facing what seems worse than my own situation.
I think the best (for me) is to try to assess my capacity at a given time and try to tell myself that it is what it is, feeling guilty about it won't magically make me more able to help. Actually, burning yourself out trying to help others when you're in no shape to do so is not the best way to help them anyway, it may even make things worse. So I try to focus on that instead.
In this example, Anna isn't referring to a friend who is a huge burden and taking space is more in line with a boundary, she's referring to when WE can't show up for others because of CPTSD
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@lasphynge8001 I used to think that and still feel that way at heart, but lately I am starting to realize that support means showing up for others even when I deem the situation difficult or stupid or tiring or etc. I let down a few people by shrinking away even from major events, because I felt I did not have to participate in all the pretense and all the celebrations that are just facades (in my eyes) and later realized that people I love got hurt by that, so I learned a few difficult lessons. I remember never being able to emptionally depend on my mother, and I conscioulsy work on not emulating that. Being all the time preoccupied with my issues and fears made me seem quite selfish to others,when funny enough I feel I am a lot more sensitive, kind and caring than most people I know around me. So now I have decided that I do not judge, I do not allow my mind to find excuses, I simply show up. If people are important to me I listen to my fears, but I still get myself out the door and show up for the other person. I do it for them and not me. Of course I only apply this to people that I value and I wont ever be able to socialize 24 hours, I need my quiet time. Strangely, I originally decided to do this so I will not let others down due to my fears/sensitivity, but this decisison has started to make me more determinded, calm, clear and even more sociable.
@@11eve I agree with you. In fact, now that I'm reading this thread again, I probably didn't express myself very well... Don't get me wrong, I do show up for my friends when they go through tough times and on important occasions, as much as humanely possible. I just mean there's a point where I get overwhelmed and burn out. Just to be clear, unlike the original comment, I don't think people just oughta quit "moping around" or snap out of it or anything among those lines. Some things just can't be helped, shit happens. I don't resent them or judge them for it, I'm just saying sometimes... I'm ill equipped to help. And by that I mean I have had friends with chronic depression, BD, DID, childhoods marked by abuse that qualified as criminal (just trying to avoid triggering words here)... in contrast my own CPTSD, the emotional abuse I went through seemed like nothing, and I felt for them so much. So I showed up, day after day, sometimes even in the middle of the night, I listened, I tried to help... but at the end of the day there was a point where it was eating me alive, I heard all kinds of really dark things every day, my mind was infused with it, I worried all the time about them in between calls/contacts... And it's terrible to collapse on someone who needs you, but helping someone with real serious issues requires a lot of strength, and although my issues were less than theirs, they did make me fragile. Even professional therapists keep it within a timed frame and a setting they can pull themselves out of (and I'm sure even for them it can sometimes be hard not to bring any of it back home). I was just a girl with no particular knowledge or training in mental health, with my own issues, I was personally attached to those people... I did my very best, but I was not superhuman, and I had to come to terms with that.
Can you talk about connecting with kids? Especially when they reach the age where you were abused or neglected?
For specific questions like that, email at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com, put 'Ask the Fairy' in subject line to signal you are interested in Anna using the question as a topic.
-Cara@TeamFairy
At 48 I still struggle with setting boundaries and have become so isolated.
My Mom understands that I need boundaries but my Dad is still struggling with this..... He thinks he can help me with anything but he cannot help me with this and he has to accept it...
:)