With CPTSD, You Can't TRUST Your GUT INSTINCTS
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- Опубліковано 1 жов 2024
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Everyone says you should trust your gut instincts, follow your heart. This is TERRIBLE ADVICE for people with Complex PTSD. In this video I share 3 letters from fans -- one who is having an affair, one who can't stand her husband's young grandchildren, and one who resents his wife's hoarding behavior. Learn why our gut instincts can actually make CPTSD WORSE, and what you can do to find joy and freedom in your life, even when it's hard.
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“A friend is someone who helps his friend do their best in life.” I discovered CPTSD and you kind of recently though I prayed for understanding for decades. It has taken everything from me year-by-year, robbing and pushing me into a corner. And here you are every morning being a friend and encouraging me to do the best I can, explaining how, validating my Hell by telling me I’m not the only one and it’s not my fault. Just wanted to say thank you for being a friend to so many people you’ve never even met. Wish you knew how valuable it is what you do.
What a beautiful comment. Thank you for sharing the hard parts of your story to illuminate the miracle of your healing. I saved your comment, because it made my day!
Crappy knows, because she is A ABUNDANT
@Louis76 That's why you should stop being a tool for people. I am a helpful person as well and am going to therapy to process my CPTSD and my therapist told me not to be a tool and help only if you want and only when people directly ask you for help directly
Oh gosh me too. Years of therapy, some of which helped, but I wish they had just up and told me the diagnosis
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you so much for this ❤
My mother was cheated on by my father she was lovely and adored him. I was the one who kept discovering him with other women (in embraces). I confronted my father about what he was doing. He was a great smoosher and could manipulate anyone. He did that with his women. When I grew up, several married men wanted to date me. I refused. I never want any woman to go through what my mother went through.
Thank you for commenting and sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes me too... I think of my Mom at home while my dad had affairs with the church choir director then the assistant pastor’s wife. My mother was so dedicated to my dad. Her suspicions made her physically sick.
I agree. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone, nor would I want it done to me.
I am so sorry you went through that.
Ewwww I caught my Dad doing that, too. Heard him tell the other woman not to worry, that my mum will never find out. I was in highschool. I told my mum and...she wouldn't believe me! I was so angry at her.
I learned that as the kid, it's not my monkey or my circus. Sometimes we ARE smarter than our parents and you just have to let them act the fools and take care of YOU.
There is a difference between intuition and poor decisions we make based on cptsd. I have been always at a loss when I didn’t follow my intuition. That’s why it’s called in- tuition. But our poor decisions are made in spite of our intuition. On another topic when we are triggered, it’s not intuition. It’s a trigger reaction and it’s high emotion and has a sense of urgency. Intuition is very soft but quite certain knowledge. Almost like a whisper... Very different feel and results.
Very well said R.P. and that was a reminder I needed after watching that video. Thanks.
This-very much this.
Rp
I'm glad you've written this because it's the truth.
Gut feeling for me usually shows itself in strong physical sensations and a definite knowledge about things. I usually know beyond doubt when something's wrong.
There's also been the warning whispers in my mind that I've heard on rare occasions before a personal disaster but didn't heed. Why didn't I heed them? They seemed to come out of the blue, like lighting bolts from deep inside me or from an outside connection and contained brief, shocking information.
I hope that if I ever get one of these again that I'll slow down and act on the warning.
Intuition is frequently only information from our other senses which our subconscious has picked up, made sense of and then presents to us.
Our subconscious can do incredible work with speedy or even instant results for something that would have taken ages to figure out logically.
Logical conclusions are important too of course and they often validate gut instincts.
We should never second guess ourselves, our first answer is usually the correct one, almost always.
@@elliegreen4738 totally! Out of the blue and mostly non logical!! So amazing 😉!! Our logic is shot by definition but intuition is ever present and is our true essence:-)
This is a very important distinction. Thank you.
Impulse =/= intuition
CPTSD leaves you with a breadcrumb life, so you create breadcrumb relationships.
But we don't have to keep doing that :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
So true! It's depressing.
Wow...that is a powerful insight. Thank you for sharing.
So true. It must be the worst and most widely destructive start for a life, to have a bad childhood that causes this. It really is crumbs that you are left with, that you take with you to build your own adult life.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy really well said!
One truth I learned-in my 50s-is that the times I feel most compelled to speak or to act is exactly the time I should do neither! Trusting my gut means I listen to my inner self, but if there’s compulsion, that is not my best self.
Great insight!
Thanks, Edie. You are most likely correct.💛
This is so hard to put into action though😭
I think it goes deeper still! Feeling a compulsion can be a very real and good move by God to speak up and out! Well, to those who believe in God as I do, at least. That said, I can relate with you in terms of taking time to maybe not speak up at all. Depends. There have been plenty of times where my best self should have spoken out, I felt the compulsion to do so, didn't, and regretted it later. It was a lack of assertiveness on my part. Cowardice. Selfishness. Other times, sure, I just went with it and later thought, "Did I reeeeallly need to say that?" Discernment is key for every individual in a given context.
Very wise..i am experiencing the same
I feel like it's the opposite. I don't trust my gut when I should. I second guess myself constantly. This has been my problem.
Me too
Oooor maybe your gut instinct is to second guess things you know???
I struggle with this too. I also wrestle with determining if I am being the unreasonable one in a situation or if I am “crapfitting,” as Anna so aptly defines it.
Something has shifted in the last year or so where I am having better gut instincts. And this is after years of a wacky inner compass needle that’s veered very far from true North.
I think what’s really helped is making slower decisions where I check in with myself to notice whether I am acting in accordance with past patterns and conditioning that has historically created ruts and led nowhere, or whether I am making a reasoned decision that blends objective fact with internal alignment.
I believe Anna has made some videos on trauma-driven decisions that could be helpful if anyone wishes to do a deeper dive. Thanks for bringing up this important discussion point! 🙏💙🌿
@@80islandia exactly. Not trusting myself has been a big hurdle. I know I can be reactive and unreasonable. I have a hard time knowing when my feelings are warranted. My mother used to actually tell me I didn't see reality the way it is whenever I brought my feelings to her attention.
Could not agree more!!
The title alone is difficult because while I have CPTSD, I also have incredible intuition. So incredible I haven’t trusted it because abusers have told me I was wrong. I was so intuitive I knew there was problems in my family even tho they lied about it. Not only was emotional neglect and lack of guidance there, but my caretakers constantly discredited my reality by telling me my instincts were wrong. I want to suggest many people struggling with CPTSD can and should trust their intuition vs what others tell them.
That's emotional intelligence, not intuition. Knowing what's going on isn't the same as knowing the right thing to do about it.
@@kevinbissinger Call it whatever you want, I had it as soon as I was born. I have very sophisticated memories from when I was even in a crib. As a baby, it doesn't matter if you have emotional intelligence or intuition, you can't do shit about it, let alone the "right" thing. Not sure what the point of your comment was, was it to validate my words or challenge definitions? Confusing.
@ Jenny Lynn I understand. I always referred to it as a sixth sense. It has always been right. To my detriment, I listened to others ( my abusers) who didn't have this gift. I wish I had the strength to listen to myself, but I had been beaten down. My ex was a know it all who was a book smart narcissist. I had been told to shut up by my narc mom and my ex
@@jlynnmenzel Same here! I remember things from being a baby, My intuition is super strong today. but oboy I needed to let go and trust it. and it's one of the most amazing thing. Its unconditional love. My intuition made sure that I knew as a baby that I'm not a lone during this journey.
@@NN-up3mq definitely learning to trust our inner guidance is real and powerful has been the hardest task! I’ve concluded that if it feels icky, there’s something wrong. And I trust that I’m being protected.
Sometimes it can be hard to make decisions then you end up making none....
This.
"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice" RUSH
I think that comment will resonate with SO many fellow CPTSD survivors
-Cara@TeamFairy
Which IS a decision 🤦🏼♀️
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Is there anything people who struggle with decisions bcs of CPTSD can try?
“Don’t participate in a lie “…such important words and true healing takes place when we heed them.
Thanks for those words!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The worst experiences I’ve EVER endured were because I ignored my gut. 🤔
Same here I ALWAYS trust my gut, if I don't things would be worse than they already are.
@@toots810usa6 so 👍for me too.
Worst decisions I made were when red flags were all over the field it was bloody...yet I blew by them like they were nothing even tho they bothered my " gut" no end..
I think there must be a distinction between " gut" response, and cptsd response. Cuz I agree with her that certain emotional responses in the romantic arena especially are really that " virus" of codepency sending out a super strong, highly charged " false positive " that, say, " this guy might be the one...there's something about him..."... no. You cannot know someone is right for you until you get time to know them well...and married persons are ALWAYS wrong for the single person, just by definition. No " gut feeling" should override that fact.
The goal is 100% to trust our gut instincts, but there are many with unhealed CPTSD who need healing and help to get there.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I'm sorry but I believe the guy cutting himself on the peeler is a direct consequence of his wife's hoarding and should be a wake up call to them both but esp her.
Me too!!!
Thank you from my heart ❤️ for this video. My best friend of 51 years had CPTSD and committed suicide. She was never diagnosed with it, however. Every day of her childhood was violent. She was dirt poor, abused and it was awful . I know that to be true. We didn’t know about PTSD unless it was someone in the military. I didn’t know there was CPTSD until after her death. She suspected she had PTSD, however. She said every year her depression seemed to be getting worse. She acted bi-polar (I’m sorry to use names , however it’s descriptive of her moods). Now and again she’d do something “off”, say something cruel or accuse me of something untrue. She had boundary things, as well. She’d confide that she wasn’t sure she might be “bad”. I’d say, “of course you’re not bad”...but she’d say she wasn’t so sure.
Now she’s gone. She was my best best best friend, the light 💡 in my life...she KNEW me, too. We live 2000 miles apart but we talked for hours on the phone. Except when she was “shutdown” as she’d call it ~ those months of depression , in the winter . Then she’d resurface and call ☎️ again. Only this year she didn’t. Every day I expect her to call me. Every day I miss her. I hear her voice in my head. I long for her , so much there’s no words. Suicide is different from any other kind of death. It’s intentional. I knew she’d come close once before but she’s promised never to do that again. She must’ve been in so much pain. I still can’t quite believe it. I’m writing this in case some of you are suffering from depression. My best friend wouldn’t take drugs for it (she was suspicious of medications of any kind). She worked very hard but denied herself of having much at all. She was brilliant, educated and strikingly beautiful. So you see, it’s not how the world perceives us...it’s always how we perceive us. Please don’t end it all ...hang in there. I’m not anyone’s therapist but left behind by someone who had CPTSD. And it’s a lonely place when I need to talk about it & the one person who’d understand isn’t alive to talk it over. Thanks. Delete this if it’s inappropriate. You gave a very good talk today. Grateful for the insights. 😇
I'm so sorry for your loss. What a loss. My sincere hope is that everyone will find the comfort I found in the techniques I teach; I do know many lives have been saved.
💔🕊
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. ♥️
I'm sorry that you lost someone who meant so much to you. I offended think about opting out. I have no one, but my partner of 20 yrs. Reading your comment made me see things from his point-of-veiw. I used to think he would just be able to move on...didn't really think how he might really feel & the long-term effects.Thank you for sharing.
Your comment feels so supportive. Thank you so much for sharing, I needed to read this today ❤
Regarding the letter from 'Diane'. I realized that it angered me to see young girls treated lovingly by their parents and other adults. (I'm female) - so I get it. In my late 20s I decided to give myself some of the things that my parents never gave me - I thought it would help, and it did. One of those things was a pretty name that was all mine. I went to court and got a new name. The very next day I encountered a young girl (daughter of a friend at work) and I smiled at her without thinking. I had given myself something that I felt I truly needed, and from that day forward, it has been easy to feel kindly towards children. I offer this story because I think it can be helpful to think about what you were not given that makes you angry, and then see if you can give yourself some of what you didn't get as a child. It won't change your childhood - but it might help your today.
Layla is a beautiful name!
Beautiful comment. :)
I did the same when I inherited something. it was the inner child that got everything it was denied as a small child. I thought about too to change my name that was given to me by my adoptee parents. Because the meaning of my given name is a pure lie as nit means the pure gift of God. They have beaten neglected and murdered in my eyes (he died because of this and they don't went into hospital to save his live) their own biological child an had not even done an authopsy.
But changing names is not as easy here in f*** germany you have to say why you want to change and so on and it is very expensive too.
@esischuber4335,so sorry that you had to go through that and especially while obviously in a country you don’t like at all. Can’t you do yourself something really great and move to a place/country where you might feel better?
The affair IS NOT LOVE it is TRAUMA BONDING because love requires real respect, and that means trust not lies and deceit. Also if you are bonded this way like an addict then the wife is too probably and maybe even other women because he is probably a covert narcissist! Look it up and get over the love bombing, bread crumbing, future faking, gaslighting and rollercoaster drama. Listen to ANY voice that says DO the right thing because it IS right, even if it hurts!! And get some friends with backbone enough to tell you when you are doing bad for yourself and others because a friend who cannot help you stay accountable is NO TRUE FRIEND, but a yes man. Finally, you are playing a dangerous game. When the wife or kids find out you might get hurt or killed even. It happens all the time and you need enough self respect to decide no man is worth dying for if he cannot even put a ring on it and when he does it means he can still have side pieces like you. Find a man who is loyal and honest, not emotionally manipulative and gets to have his cake and eat it too. If he is lying to his wife then he IS a Liar and lying to you. PERIOD. Words are pretty but ACTIONS speak louder and are REAL things to prove who you can count on.
This is an excellent example of how childhood PTSD can wreak havoc and really challenges the whole community to be compassionate.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Damn PREACH
@@elf3477 thanks. I see TRUTH as the only real form of compassion. Without TRUTH, what others mislabel as compassion IS really enabling, grovelling, crippling and degrading so as to not have to do the hard thing and the mature thing. If offending or making someone in an adulterous relationship feel a small amount of legitimate shame just enough to save even one life, then I will make that call every single time! Women need to have enough self love and love of other women to be brave and say if you are knowingly committing adultery then you are basically knowingly poisoning yourself and others too so STOP for the sake of all and stop letting these despicable players put you at risk while they use you! Truth is Love and I love all people enough to tell them the truth even if it is not what they want to hear and makes them hurt worse briefly. Like chemo to kill the cancer if I have to be, but usually people are nit so stubborn and selfish to keep on in denial once they hear the truth, they get help.
See most women are aware and recognize this on a fundamental level and that is why men usually lie and trick women and/ or less experienced younger girls into these toxic, deceptive relationships. But the ones who knowingly enter in and know there are wives and kids and he is not divorced, have something very wrong and deeply broken in them that needs healing asap and cannot be healed while they continue in these nightmare fantasies that starve the soul to fatten the flesh. There are wicked men who easily sniff that desperation and self deficit we often mislabel as nurturing compassion out and us women need to let our sisters know it is not ok, not love at all, but very dangerous manipulation and control. They want puppets or sex bots and will say anything but actions speak louder. Love for a man is putting your needs first because deep down they protect what they love. It is in DNA. If he only protects himself then he is a narcissist. END the sick thrill of real risk immediately and permanently, no discussions or second thoughts so go no contact and get help to channel that thrill in a way that feeds your soul and is not wicked. You deserve better. You deserve to thrive with real love!! Life is no game and no joke. He lied. He no good. He gone! These ladies need to Get help like a gambling addict or meth addict would and stop lying to themselves if it is like a pattern. Anyone can fall for a fraud once and get over it fairly fast but if that's not the case then GET HELP and grow! You know the fool me once adage is true.
The only ones with excuses are the ones tricked but as soon as they figure it out that he is married and not widowed or single, then accept you were duped because even smart people fet conned and they are scum so BOLT, flee, save yourself!! You are better than that, deserve better and do not need to be another statistic and mixed up in the hellish drama that often follows!! True friends and counselors do not mince words. SO Tired of seeing smashed vehicles, burnt belongings, ER visits, suicides, lawyers making money off misery, stds, abortions, unwanted kids and struggling traumatized single parents because people are too afraid to have Real Compassion for society and for the victims and manipulated out there. IF You knowingly get into these risky, going nowhere toxic relationships then you need rehab for sex addiction or whatever is influencing you to make self destructive choices and mislabeling it as love. You are a human with knowledge and know better. Overcome your hormones and look out for yourself. Do not jeopardize careers and more. Tell these jokers no means no and that you are not afraid to tell HR. It is better for everyone to command respect and the more women who know their worth and set boundaries the less men will try this crap. Stop tolerating it! And the will learn to co trol themselves and stop doing it and the world will improve quickly and especially for young women! That is true progress!! So if you get into these affairs get out and heal the trauma in you, that is probably from childhood and not your fault, but your responsibility and needs addressing so you can find a real love and not need to be in dangerous situations that traumatize others and adding to the cycles. Be the change end the pain in your and prevent it in others! This is what we need to learn and teach and as women preach to our sisters and friends, daughters etc.. otherwise we are all fronting and just giving lip service cause we are too scared or self absorbed or pampering our own previous guilt and shame to show real compassion by being bold enough to give the hard honest truth to the people who desperately need to hear and believe it the most. And then we need to help them follow through too. Just like any other addiction. That is real love and I am not ashamed to say it and advocate for it. And glad for those who agree and disappointed at those too unrepentant to agree. This is how we empower women and stop tearing down what other women built before us and support each other until we get real equity and equality. If that man has problems with his wife then tell him grow up and if he cannot be faithful to her until all hope is lost and he is totally divorced and his kids have had time to adjust first, then he is NO Man worthy of YOU and just keep on moving as fast as you can!! Cause if he treats her and his kids like that then he will do it again and to YOU and who signs up for that knowingly??? Focus on self. Fix yourself first and then the other stuff will be easier and healthier. Without interventions, his and your past behavior predicts future behavior and sometimes even with work and rehab, it can keep repeating in unfaithful men so just love yourself enough to require better. Women need to learn early on to Stop settling and compromising just to please fickle, entitled partners or they will have misery and pain for decades to come. No more excuses. We are too smart, have come too far and have too many opportunities to keep falling in the same traps ladies. LOVE ❤🙏🤗💪💪💪💪💪
👏👏👏
Spoke volumes!
You tell people constantly in these videos to make sure we have friends for support and guidance.
Making solid long term friends has been one of the greatest unmet challenges of my life.
I’m almost 50 and still have this problem. I attract unavailable or too-busy people, or people who seem to have an initial interest in me, then fizzle out.
It’s like the ultimate catch 22: how do you build a network of friends when you have a condition that ensures you attract unavailable people, and also sometimes sabotage relationships? But then how do you do better without the love and support that those friends might have offered?
@Alison_Schmitt, this is really common for people with CPTSD. As you may know I offer a number of online courses, and the newest one is the Connection Bootcamp. It's a 30 day program of videos and worksheets to help you strengthen your ability to connect. I hope you'll have a look: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy it would be easier to believe you meant well if you weren't plugging a product.
@@tiredtears4177 She provides plenty for free, and she desereves to make money for her constant work. Therapists make tons more, and are less helpful.
@@tiredtears4177 yes....and if you do sign up to the course you have to be aware that the subscription gets autorenewed meaning another $300. I just looked through my bank deets and saw that ive paid for a subscription that I didnt want and haven't used and won't be refunded for 😪
It seems like society has really encouraged people to be superficial, has to be “fun“, easy and carefree. Life isn’t all that way. There are serious things that need to be thought about, not complained about, but thought about, discussed, resolved etc.
But if you aren’t vacuous, cheering them on all the time, if you have anything real to say or experience, it scares them.
And then on the other hand, there are those who wallow in self-pity, victimhood, and negativities. Finding someone who is genuine, working on things, respectful, keeps their word, is increasingly challenging to find.
No married man sleeping with you is treating you with respect. If he has any sense of empathy, he knows you deserve an ENTIRE relationship with a WHOLE man and yet he continues to be in your life. You don't respect yourself, so how can you expect anyone else to respect you? You're worth more - and your feelings for him are keeping you from finding that - a better man.
Unhealed CPTSD makes our discernment so difficult, the point is that we really need healing to find a healthy relationship or even be attracted to one.
-Cara@TeamFairy
You want the married man because your thinking is distorted. You think if he is good enough for a woman and another woman has him, it means he is a high prize. You also like how he doesn’t really care for being a nice guy and knows you still will be around.
@@62WILDCAT good for you Carol! I'm proud of you! Keep sharing your truth and goodness and being STRONG as a women who has returned to her roots of what is right!! You WIN!
@@62WILDCAT 🥰 Thank you for sharing your story
As a man who's legally married but going thru a divorce, both myself and my ex have new partners and want nothing to do with each other. I still get shade for having a girlfriend while technically being married.
If he respected her, his wife may be children or himself, he'd be a man and stop using her. AH
That's right.
In regards to needed, genuine friends: it seems like society has really encouraged people to be superficial, has to be “fun“, easy and carefree. Life isn’t all that way. There are serious things that need to be thought about, not complained about, but thought about, discussed, resolved etc.
But if you aren’t vacuous, cheering them on all the time, if you have anything real to say or experience, it scares them.
And then on the other hand, there are those who wallow in self-pity, victimhood, and negativities. Finding someone who is genuine, working on things, respectful, keeps their word, is increasingly challenging to find.
When we are focused on healing and getting healthy, we tend to notice others who are doing the same more often.
-Cara@TeamFairy
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS! Panic destroyed my gut instincts. So does craving "safety" or familiarity. I am really fortunate I found my BFF and we support each other thru difficult conversations!
OOoohhhh "Future Faking" my ex did that all the time. I'd ask him to take care of something and he would say "I will. I will. I will! I will! I will!! I will!!!" He'd just keep repeating that with more vehemence ven tho I hadn't said anything else.
I hated kids for years and it took me ages to understand that it was because they trigger me like this, and that I was also taught to self-hate as a child and was projecting that self hatred onto other kids.
However I still wouldn’t want kids, or want to be in a relationship where I had to deal with other people’s kids.
That would be overwhelming and disregulating for me.
True. I feel myself disconnected with my own kids. It appears there is some monster inside me when I got triggered. But people around just put shame and don't understand us.
It's not right for everyone- it's good to be realistic about what we can handle. That said, after years in healing and the 'Daily Practice', I can handle a multitude of things that seemed impossible at one time.
bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
Dealing with other peoples kids goes on for the rest of our lives. Grown kids exist. Discern heavily.
It is frustrating indeed.
Same
You are so wise to understand that kids trigger your inner child. I think Parenthood is overrated and we do not need to produce more children until all the children in shelters have a home
I grew up in foster care my parents were heroin addicts. I lived with and aunt for several years but her family was very mean and her husband was very strict and physically abusive when disciplining or losing his temper. My little brother died and I ran way back into foster care. I've had many hard more hard times through my life but I always wanted to be happy. Internally I always suffered greatly but I tried really hard to heal though and never fully succeeded. I became a father two years ago and it really set off some positive changes in me, I healed somehow without trying but now I needed answers. As I've been looking for answers I have found your UA-cam channel crappy childhood fairy and it has created amazing realization of myself and my life. Thank you so much for helping us you are amazing.
I’m so glad I found this channel too. My father committed suicide when I was young. My mom and I were homeless as a child. We lived with her abusive (sexually and physically) boyfriend around that same time a few years after. It was literal hell. If you can do it, and I can do it, we can all heal from CPTSD. It takes time...and a compassionate person, who also survived, who can help ground us along our journeys.
And congratulations on being a father. You are already _breaking the cycle_ through your self-awareness from day 1.
@@mahlina1220 Thank you so much I wish you happiness and love on your journey you are courageous
I hear this time and again about having children being either the motivation or the turning point in healing. That's great for those who do have them. Honestly dont want to sound bitter but recognise my jealousy in this. Has anyone found a healed person or practitioner who did the healing despite wanting but never having children? Every time I engage with some site or other in no time the children appear and I feel excluded again. Anyone??
@@amandagreaves581 I changed alot from talking in a 3 month old puppy when I was just 20 years old As well, she is ten now and was a vital part of my life. Parenting and companionship comes in all different forms, show love with no remorse ❤
@Amanda I hear you and yes, I have been in contact with MANY who didn't end up having children for a variety of reasons.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am sorry, but you are confusing intuition with emotions. In CPTSD people intuition is not working well because their emotions overwhelm it. "Gut instincts" is a very vague term that people use incorrectly to refer to intuition and this is not the same thing. Gut instincts also get a lot of interference from emotions such as fear and rage in CPTSD people. So, the goal should be to learn hot to differentiate emotions from genuine authentic intuition and gut instinct. When people learn to recognize what is what and develop true intuitive abilities that could not only improve the quality of their lives as it'd help them make better choices, but it could also be life saving.
I'm curious to know more about how you distinguishing emotions, authentic intuition, gut instinct. Could you give any examples?
People call this type of relationship a 'twin-flame" all over the internet, describing those pulls, "I never felt anything like that before", the synchronicities, repetition of certain numbers, etc. which is very dangerous ground to tread on. I studied that nonsense, for a while and I came to the conclusion that a twin flame "concept" is an alibi for misery. Alibi for entering a dangerous (maybe even narcissistic) relationship loophole that will only ruin your self-esteem even more. Don`t do it. It`s a delusion. I totally feel the people who fall for that.
The gut feeling is life-saving, in my experience, and if it is sending wrong signals (red flags) that we overlook or don`t listen to, then it means that it is not a gut feeling. I think that it is our NEED to be loved, accepted, etc that finally leads us into deceiving ourselves that it is TRUE love. Maybe we should rethink calling these wrong signals a gut feeling in the first place. I don`t know. My conclusion is, if you are not sure about something, in the first place and in the long run you see that you are still not sure then leave, don`t do it. If you do it, at least try to learn from it and write it down somewhere, or else you will definitely repeat it again. Anyway, we need discernment.
As it happens, I made a video about this very thing a few months ago: ua-cam.com/video/Xe9B4LdZcDI/v-deo.html
Well stated, great turn of phrase. Alibi for misery= self delusion/ deception = toxic fantasy= cognitive dissonance= trauma bond= RECIPE FOR DISASTER. If it is bad for you AND hurts others too, then IT IS NOT to be called or considered good. It is not like overeating chocolate which only hurts you if you have No dependents. No one said giving up addictions is hard...and these people use words that sound like addiction if they could be HONEST for just one second. Oh And Every school should include lessons on limerance when they teach about puberty and sex ed. Learn that you cannot trust hormones when they contradict what your brain knows if it was about someone else...if you would warn your friend and question them on a situation then do not be a hypocrite when the situation is about you needing to have self control, realistic expectations/ relationships and make good choices. Twin flames is like believing in Roman Mythology or Santa Claus...outdated and ridiculous for adults in a modern, functional and logical society.
It's just silly limerence. Not real twin flames.
I fell for the New Age stuff too at one time. It can make you feel like you are Karmicly bonded to a vicious, angry loser. There is another video that I love by Krystelin Karazan, she's a life coach primarily for African American woman but she's got spot on advice that all women can use. She has a video on her Pink Pill channel about how women can be bonded to a man because of a chemical called Oxytocin that makes a woman feel like she wants to make a baby with a man. It's released during sex. So that's why you have to delay sex till you figure out if he's an addict, psycho, Narc or loser first. That "Twin Flame" feeling is most likely the chemical Oxytocin at work, but New Age people are then going to make money telling you stories about twin flames, giving you Tarot card readings all about the non relationship that you really don't have and distracting you from real life.
@@XtineJohnes Spot on with the oxytocin discussion. I'm a doula and midwife's assistant in training and our bodies really do take over when it comes to babies. But it's not a magic thing at all.
Dianne sees what she missed as a child and her inner child is so angry and sad and unable to accept it. This is a great opportunity for therapy and personal healing !! Big hug!! This is a true intense feeling of a past problem and is a flashback that can last a long time. Good for therapy! Trauma therapy plus the daily practice that are magic healers
Also great opportunity to try Anna' courses designed exactly for healing childhood PTSD :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy that’s right!! I’m doing your daily practice and still get amazed at the power of it! Thank you 😊
When you can't trust yourself because of crazy parents, it's heartbreaking. Self hating. Horrible.
It IS horrible, AND it can be healed.
Yep. Part of healing seems to be figuring out the differences between “gut” feelings. Some are triggers, some are really intuition….one therapist enlightened me “depressive thoughts feel like deep truths” YIKES!
@@lindarinnyo6239 yes they do. It is so unfair that we get lead by deep dysfunctional instincts. I have felt so stupid when I do that.
I agree. I can't trust my triggers but I've always been able to trust my gut. The only times I didn't is what got me into trouble. When I started trusting myself more, my life changed
Know what helps me? Daring to entertain the idea that maybe JUST MAYBE having a pregnancy doesn't mean you know how to be a parent.
I had to accept that my parents were just a pair of ignorant kids who didn't have the wisdom to be good parents.
I forgive them easier realizing they didn't make these mistakes on purpose. They're just...ignorant.
Which weirdly enough helped me realize the impulses I have as a result of their parenting (always doubting myself, always scared to take life by the steering wheel and make it what I decide) are different from MY AUTHENTIC opinion.
For example, my folks believed being LGBTQ was evil, and they spent so much time indoctrinating me into hating LGBTQ....But if left to my own devices, I really don't have a hate for gays. And later I admitted my own attraction to women as a bisexual. My mother doesn't believe me, says secular society has influenced me to think I'm bisexual.
But the reality is ever since I was a kid, I had crushes on girls AND boys. And if I trust my own gut, I know the truth: girls are cute to me and there's nothing wrong with thinking that.
You just have to learn how to determine the difference between what's truly your gut feeling vs what your parents TOLD you should be your gut feeling.
I really lied to myself most of my life, telling myself that what my parents dictate what my feelings are truly ARE my feelings.
I was that wife. It is completely wrong to be in a relationship with a married person. It does bring misery to many innocent people
Thank you for sharing too- I'm sorry you experienced that
-Cara@TeamFairy
@o. t. If the mistress knows she's a mistress then its her fault too. Sorry, not sorry.
I don't think a woman should be with another woman's man. It hurts so many people
Is there anything wrong with friends if they're going through a divorce? That's where I am now but it's nothing romantic at all.
@@jenniferleigh1674 If it's out in the open-transparent, nothing to hide & truly just friends then you have no need to question.
If you're questioning it, hoping it'll be more once the divorce is done, then you have your answer.
When I met my ex husband, the second I laid eyes on him, my gut said “Run!” and I ignored it like I was taught to do in childhood. It was like an animal instinct stronger than I had ever felt before. I was scared to run, actually. It damaged me and my kids beyond imagination.
I love your user. name :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks :)
Exactly what happened to me. My ex husband was vague in the beginning of our relationship, turned out to be ragingly jealous and narcissistic, kept me away from my family and estranged my friends, tore me down and whenever I tried to break up with him he cried the tears of an elephant begging me not to leave him. Every time, against to what my instincts told me, I stayed, until he managed to pressure me into marrying him and things went even worse. I woke up when he beat me for the first time. I left that night. He tried to manipulate me into coming back but luckily I was so clearheaded at that point that I didn't go back for the 15,000th time. But for now I'm trying to learn to listen to my insticts the right way.
The same happened to me! I felt this horrible vacuum in my stomach when I had to see him, and nobody believed me... they said he was awesome and a good guy. I was 14 then, now I'm 38 and God knows what I've been through, but I'm free now.
I’m so picky about who I associate with. I meet someone and my gut instinct says not to trust them. Even people I’ve been friends with for years.
As survivors of cptsd we have excellent antennas for danger... this is how we survived. I too, have such feelings about people ( I call this intuition) and when I say I’m not gonna follow my gut feeling) I get in trouble about 3 months later or so. Every single time... now, I follow it and stay away from trouble plus got some good boundaries;-)
@Harry_GW I understand. Since it can feel good to be around people but they aren't all really trustworthy we can also get more sane about HOW we associate. Like, we don't have to trust people 100% to meet up at the dog park, we just get more clear about boundaries.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I almost never trusted my guts, bc I wasn't taught self esteem. The older I gut my mom was clinging to me and my father wasn't available emotionally (ok, they were from greatest generation and acted like from silent generation). They never talked about important things, problems weren't handled, but silenced. There never really was laughter in my home. Later I recognized that my mom was severely depressed and wasn't treated. Too late for me. You can't make up for a crappy childhood.
Thank you for reminding us about emotional flashbacks. Also, I’ve never heard of future-faking, but I may have that problem. I always have the best intentions, but I am always exhausted and drained and try to do things I say I will do but often find myself “procrastinating” and not being able to follow through, making others around me upset. Thank you for your channel. I am learning and trying.
I'm so glad you're here, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
That married affair thing is tough. I get the impulse, but it's NEVER worth it. If there is an emotional connection with that married guy, there will be again with someone who is available and will dedicate himself to you.
That married coward as "wonderful" as he seems has crafted a cunning deception. Love is kind it does not deceive, trust is the bedrock.
Listen to HG Tudor about how deceivers think, he sees you as an appliance, not a loving woman with inherent worth and value. Don't be shortchanged you are worthy of love not sloppy leftovers in darkness. Cry out to God to help you, He is faithful beloved 💖🙏
It’s very easy to say that but in reality many of us with CPTSD only ever get the option of unavailable people.
And eventually your conscience and your will breaks, because after years of being single and ignored you are left literally starving for love, sex, and connection.
So you take crumbs because it’s better than the nothing you’ve had for years.
I won’t judge that woman because the exact same thing happened to me.
Every man I ever attracted was unavailable, and those relationships would end in heartbreak, anger and rejection, then I would be single for many years. Without a group of friends. So, basically alone in my life.
By my mid thirties I’d had only two dysfunctional relationships with huge gaps in between.
Then I met a married man. He didn’t tell me he was married initially and the chemistry was off the charts. Then after a couple of weeks he told me, but by that time I just wanted what I wanted.
The sex was the best I’d ever had, we connected on humor, intellect, ideas, all of it. We could literally finish each other’s sentences. I knew exactly when he was going to call or text. It was almost telepathic.
So THATS why hurt and damaged people have affairs. And no, there weren’t all these great guys that I was rejecting to be with this guy.
And in the many years since I ended it with him, have there been all these great guys waiting to give me love? No.
It never happened.
Because I have untreated CPTSD. But I’m still human and need love, connection, sex, emotional support and to be seen and valued. And it hasn’t happened.
So yeah, that’s why people take crumbs and revel in the brief moments of joy and connection. Because without them it’s Back To Black, just like the song.
@@alisonschmitt9533 I hear you. The crumbs from dogs will never nourish. Alone is better than abused.
Wrong side of 40 now 5yrs and 2yrs no contact with violent psychopath ex then addicted manipulative surviving family. Following trauma, control, violence since childhood and facing death a few times I decided to break the chains and live my life by my own standards for the sake of my children.
I took my little ones, a few carrier bags, left my house/everything and stepped into new life. Was it hard, YES! Was it worth it, YES, YES, YES!
Some people are very cruel and I am slowly trusting to rebuild our lives. We can finally laugh now 🙌💪🤣
I am alone but not lonely and am healing with the Word of God to remind me that despite the darkness there is always Hope, His name is Jesus, He loves you so much He died to pay your ransom. Love is an action 💕
You will get through this 🙏
@@FaithfulandTrue949 dumping your Christianity all over me is beyond offensive. I have CPTSD because I was raised in a Christian religious cult!
You might be fine to be alone with your kids. I don’t have kids, but I do have powerful unmet needs for love, sex and companionship. For a soulmate. I am a beautiful soul who has been hi jacked by CPTSD.
I was alone and single for most of my 20’s and 30’s. You think that’s bearable or tolerable? Its not. I have a huge capacity for love and a high sex drive.
Seems like you didn’t hear me at all. Yes we can all rationalize these situations. You think I don’t understand why affairs with married people are wrong and destructive?. I’m *explaining* why it happens, not promoting it.
@@FaithfulandTrue949 Golden Words! :)
Wow, I have to respectfully disagree with you on this one. To me, what you are describing is NOT listening to your gut and following your flesh, or wounded self, which gets us into trouble. People have told me I have a good gut and to listen to it. When I do not, and don't trust myself because of how I was raised, that's when I have gotten into trouble. I think things need to be worded carefully. IMO when people do the things like you described they have lost touch with their gut or been trained not to listen to it.
@AriseN_Shine the question was asked by someone who referred to themselves as having unhealed CPTSD so, in this case, the connection to our honest selves has been lost. This is true of so many with CPTSD that Anna has developed courses for the purpose of getting back to an intuition which is broken for many with CPTSD and which others take for granted.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for your comment. I agree with you; some concepts in this video are dangerous, especially to those already distrusting themselves. Wording is super important.
Children of alcoholics aren't the only ones who struggle with those things. Being abandoned can cause it too, neglect can cause it, being unwanted too can cause it. So anything that messes with your self esteem, like shame can all cause depression and the feelings that come with it. I hear you about the family dying I lost a lot of mine too.
We all have ups and downs. A state of mind is partly a choice. I choose to be happy . I choose to be kind to myself and others.....
Thanks for being here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Kathleen, repeat after me. God will NEVER send me someone else's husband! You are worthy of a man who wants and can fully commit to you. I suffer with CPTSD as well. Repeating God will never send me someone else's husband. Has helped me so much. There is comfort in knowing it will end. You deserve to give yourself more.
Appreciate your insight!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you.
Amen !!!!! 🙏🏾 That is SO true !!!
I am /was a hoarder. I recently realized the reason is that each of those items is "my friend". Let me explain. I grew up with absent parents and a narcissistic mother. When I was very small, I "divorced" my parents: I decided I did not need them, and would take care of myself. I grew up to be a "fierecly independent woman", when in fact, I have been a very lonely woman, even though I was married and had a child. I was unable to connect to people...but I connected very well to objects, hence, I hoarded.
Each one of those objects holds a memory and is a witness of my life, so to speak.
Thank you for that perspective :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
These letters are so useful, thank you x
So glad!
“Don’t participate in lies. If you want to recover from CPTSD, and you want to get your self worth back, abolish all lies.”
This saved my soul. I said goodbye to my limerent object after watching this. Thank you so much!
What lies? I dont lie to myself, did when i was with my parents but not since i moved out
Good stuff. Don't ever let them back once abolished.
@@bradleyhenderson1198 but they are my parents
Yes
Dear Anna, one of my triggers is that I don't have any friends. All my life I have wanted one I've had short-lived ones and now I don't have any. 60 lonely and sad. Long story. One thing is I used to beg people to play with me. They made fun of me.
I’ll be your friend. 💖
Me too, I can add my friends on one hand. And need one finger, your not alone. And with good company ❤️
We are here for you. We will be your friends.
So sorry. I relate. Hurts lots.
Like Anna said, it sounds like loneliness is your emotional flashback. I have them and it feels terrible, but you can recover. Do the daily practice and keep at it. Anything is better than that feeling. I have been there.
I really appreciate this video because until really this past year, I don't think I had a gut instinct at all. I was just making decisions to keep people from getting mad at me.
Right, you nailed it -- decisions to keep people from getting mad. Glad you are getting free!
Ugh. This sounds like me. I walk on eggshells around everyone. Because it seems like the moment I am truly honest with people things just explode and I feel like crap.
@@maryannemoll yes same
What's hard about this is that she is also creating trauma for someone else. What led to my nervous breakdown was when I found out my now ex husband was cheating...
Please don't do this to another person.
It's a very painful situation for more people than the just the letter-writer. This really illustrates how damaging untreated cPTSD is. Very sorry that happened to you
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've relyed on my gut feelings to keep me safe for so long growing up, so not to trust it sounds terrifying. Of course that's why I isolate so much. I understand, but understanding that doesn't really help.
Exactly! Understanding our condition doesn't heal the condition, it's just a first step.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I know this. Usually right AFTER I've jumped the gun on emotional outbursts that feel righteous in the moment, but for which I feel guilty once the adrenaline wears off. Of course, I usually feel hungover, too.
Yes, I"m familiar with the emotional hangover myself
-Cara@TeamFairy
My gut instinct kept me alive, otherwise I would have been dead awhile ago. I went through so much trauma that something inside me call them what you will, angel guides, my higher self, that soft voice that tells you to not go that way literally saved my life. My hairs now stand up on my arm when I encounter a bad situation or a person who appears to be normal but is a wolf in sheep's clothing. I can enter a building or room and tell that something is off. Years of praying to God for help and searching and reading psychology I figured out what happened to me and all the therapists and doctors had it wrong. I come from a family of psychopaths and narcissists and it took me my whole life to figure out what happened to me. God protected me and if it wasn't for that inner guidance I would have died a long time ago.
Participating in a "love" affair, one lies to themselves as to what reality and accountability is. If you are not in reality, how can there be real love?
Those of us with unhealed CTPSD have a hard time with reality. Anna's courses really help correct to correct that.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Professor Robert Sapolsky from Stanford, said in a lecture on human nature that people who come to accept that something is true through their feelings and intuition are hard pressed to have their minds altered by facts and reason.
The best decisions we can make, he later said, is with a balance of emotion and reason.
Yeah. Even religion speaks of the danger of blind faith.
Steven James Beto
Our intuition has nothing to do with our emotions, this man got it wrong.
Examples of decisions made because of emotion are when the lying media Shills presented the public with images and news of large numbers of people dying from a deadly disease they called covid people's emotions were triggered and even though the evidence of their eyes and ears told them that there was something seriously wrong they didn't question their governments. To this day in Ireland, even though the official death toll for 2020 was lower than it had been in years people are still scared by those images from Italy shown by the media.
Intuition and gut feeling are nothing like this, you usually just need to listen to your body. Ask yourself a question and put your hand on your heart, listen quietly for the answer.
@@elliegreen4738 Intuition and emotion are indeed separate things which called for the inclusion of "and". We humans have limitations, but do the best we can. I prefer to use the facts to guide me, and the wisdom and experience of others, knowing I might be wrong.
Professor Sapolsky is a recipient of the MacArthur Genius Award.
@@stevenjbeto I use fact to guide me too, the annual death statistics in relation to the governments claims of a pandemic for instance.
I also use the evidence of my own eyes and ears rather than facts provided by corrupt, puppet governments and media.
I trust my own instincts and logical deductions more than those of anyone else although I do pay attention to well meant advice from people I know.
Emotion doesn't come in to this for me at all, intuition has nothing to do with emotion and although logic is part of it generally goes on beneath the surface in an unconscious way.
I don't necessarily trust the validity of any awards or prizes given because most, ( if not all ) establishment institutions cannot be trusted.
@@elliegreen4738 In the end, Ms. Green, neither of us can be certain that our success was founded on the decisions we made, or just good fortune. I wish you well, Ellie Green.
I'm so proud of 'Diane' who recognizes that the little girls can feel her getting angry with them and that it's probably her own viewpoint that may be misplaced. I can assure you that this can and will effect them, I grew up in a similar environment where I was the step grandchild but was also abandoned by my real grandparents who moved away and were constantly vacationing and just assumed that since my other siblings and I had them that we should be ok. That was the furthest from the truth. I ended up being severely neglected and extremely hurt by always knowing I was the outsider in the family and wasn't wanted anywhere. It hurt deeply, down to my soul. I am now 38 and no longer speak to anyone at all in any of the families that were supposed to care for me (including my mother or step father[s] for seperate but very valid reasons). Not for lack of trying, they just don't ever really want to do much with me but also bc it's too difficult for me at holidays and such. I also had to learn to be able to be myself and not continue to be afraid of people and put myself in a position to be abused by others in the world. I could still cry about all of it easily and have for years. I still struggle in the world trying to stand up for myself properly and soon enough before it gets to an unhealthy fight or flight situation.
I hope you can find a way to accept the girls and be a supporter for them that will help them in their life. I understand the difficulties that can come along with it, such as possible jealousy thinking about how much they get that we weren't given as I've experienced it in my own life as I raise my daughter. But I do know and believe it will come back to us in the form of their love and realizing how much we have given to them even if it's a little further down the line in life. I watch little bit of that part with my daughter already but I know she'll understand so much more later on.
Praying for you and the family 👪 🙏 ❤
@Ashley_Chapman thanks so much for sharing with us!
My gut instincts helped me to recognize a perpetrator who was stalking me on campus when no one was around at night. I was able to recognize it before it was too late and outrun him. I could have been naive and thought nothing of the stranger walking behind me but even at a far distance I felt suspicious and it saved my life.
I'm so glad to hear that!
Sura S ‘The Gift of Fear’ by Gavin De Becker is a fantastic book about this.
Glad I’m older and through all this. No married men. Plus, she is disrespecting herself by participating in such a relationship. They’re acting out of their damaged emotions.
Integrity above all.
Damaged is the key word and we are all about repairing that damage at Crappy Childhood Fairy!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm really glad you read Diane's letter about feeling triggered by children when they simply act like kids.
I've struggled with similar issues. I admire Diane for the fact that she was even willing to attempt the step parent role. I like kids but having them be in my life regularly is something I've decided to avoid.
It took me awhile to really remember that what I experienced as a child was my experience and a lot of what happened was really not ok. Just because I had to shut up and grow up too quickly doesn't mean that's normal or ok for other kids.
It was a very brave letter to write, thanks for sharing :)
I find a bitterness can rise in me around carefree kids of a certain age because I myself at that age was already fending for myself. It shows up as annoyance that the kid is behaving immaturely, but the truth of the matter is I'm feeling envy that they get to stay kids for longer than I was able to.
Been there. The stepparent role is awful, particularly if they are raised differently. Been there. Very manipulative stepdaughter (type, because we were not married) and spoiled children. The father doesn't see the manipulatation either, because he is also manipulative.
Thank you for sharing.
Reading your comment, I realize why I never wanted children. What if the child was overweight or awkward (like me)? What if the child was homely (like they told me)? What if the child was a *child*, and forgot things sometimes? (I often received the rebuke, "You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached!") What if the child was just figuring things out, imperfectly? ("You don't have any common sense!")
What if the child was just a poor, little defenseless child, and I couldn't love it... Just like they couldn't love me.
I couldn't deal with myself, if I ever did that.
My mother was a Diane. My mere existence in her world triggered her. She recruited my father and my younger siblings to join her triggered outbursts of extended criticism, dredging up everything imaginable that offended them, with favored offenses to endlessly repeat. Her beatings were acts of mercy in comparison. My gut knew something was amiss, but I convinced myself my experience was normal because everyone in my world played along, a sick version of community gaslighting. No one could be trusted. I'm now learning that my normal childhood was not normal at all.
I'd like to suggest that Carl get a space of his own, his alone, that he could keep as he wish. A "man cave" sort of thing. It can be a room, or garage, or maybe even a shed out back. But everyone needs a little space of their own, especially in that context.
"Abolish all lies." Absolutely. Foundational for self-trust, at the very least.
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
I was just diagnosed with CPTSD, and although I agree that I've lived a traumatic life, I think some of my decision making abilities and associated trauma stem from undiagnosed autism, and the two play off each other.
I kinda want to toot my horn a little bit, as far as sticking to my core values despite having the confusion of CPTSD irritate my inner compass.
For context, I am a rather newly divorced 33 year old man, and was previously married to a covert narcissist that flayed my sense of self.
The other day, a married woman tried to wrangle me into being her side attraction by appealing to my empathy: she clearly was purposefully repeating to me her current state of lonesomeness (her husband lived in a separate house in a separate town, often causing her to be understandably lonely) but she was slyly trying to gauge whether or not I would approve of being the third wheel in the relationship. Because of the increased risk of my being manipulated unknowingly in socially sensitive situations, I was on guard, and I think I successfully scared her away simply by being myself. I have no heart obviously for disingenuous relationship stuff, I am always on the lookout for my true soulmate, and I was very open about my dislike for manipulative people. Hooray for me hahaha. CPTSD makes it confusing to listen to your heart.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That last line is a great encapsulation. I only JUST realized a situation I keep finding myself in is related to all of this and it has been confusing as Hell everytime. A couple month ago, I finally accepted that an old counselor was correct with his hunch of CPTSD. I told him that I was not in war and I had veteran friends and family and I didn't feel it was appropriate. I ticked all of the boxes. I recently came into a situation where there was no denying and I have had massive changes just since accepting and working on this stuff.
By the way, I also am vulnerable to those lies or disingenuity in social situations. I also have affects of ASD and apparently my Father was diagnosed with it a few years ago. My reaction had been to keep myself safe and just distrust EVERYONE. Trying to learn this as well. I appreciate you sharing because, personally, I recognize some of my situation in your comment.
Good luck in/on your journey friend!
I was the wife who was cheated on and left. That caused emotional damage to me and to our three small children. I would not wish that pain on anyone. My ex-husband tried to justify the adultery and the leaving on being "in love", but the destruction was still there. Of course, they did not stay together because he kept cheating on her. I guess he didn't find his soulmate after all. At least not then. Your advise was spot-on. Thank you.
I get the whole “don’t date married people” but that will stop only people with high morals. I think there’s plenty of ways to rationalise such a situation. The cheater usually plays the victim and says they’re unhappy in their marriage, and you feel like you’re the only joy in their life. They can’t leave because it’s complicated. There are many lies that can be told in this type of situation and the traumatised person would willingly believe them 😢
yeah nah, just no. That breach of trust, that dishonesty, that in itself is a massive massive red flag about the person, and if you can participate in that level of breach of trust and justify it, you may need to examine your own drives. If you do it, at least own what it is, just a breach of trust. If you are not happy but cant leave, then be honest and ask for room to move around other lovers. the ONLY time I would think otherwise is in DV situations where leaving is not an option safely.
@@lizericsonn9367 ☝️ hard agree
I agree with what the 1st commenter said except plz don't become polyamorous with ppl who you can't trust. Multiple partners can spread STDs, Bacterial vaginitis, HIV and risk of pregnancy. How can we forget this basic fact? Let that sink in..
Only people with poor self worth would sign up to be 2nd or 3rd place by being in a relationship with a married person. Can you even call that a real relationship? Most men who cheat 9 times out of 10 are cheating with multiple women. Some men have sex addiction and have no real feelings for you at all. They only love their wife and he doesn't want to lose her so he tells all his side pieces the truth about him being married so they stay in their places and never blow his cover. I could never willingly participate in helping someone do something like that. It's disgusting.
You really know what goes on inside a traumatized human and are able to translate it into words. Yes, I can't trust gut feelings, because they aren't intuition, they are manifestation of fears and so on.
There's a world of difference between true gut instinct (intuition) and something else misidentified as gut instinct. I'd love to see the heading as, 'Ignore these stressors parading as gut instincts.' Love your vids, thanks Anna. 😊
Thanks!
Whenever I ignored my gut instinct, it was a mistake, sometimes disasterous.
I think that I was emotionally ignored and health ignored to the point of child abuse as a child.
Mother had an alcoholic father and my own father was an alcoholic.
I was the youngest of four.
The message I received from my parents was that I was a bother. In fact my mother told me that she never wanted me. As the youngest, I was chronically manipulated and gaslighted.
I never developed confidence or allowed to make many decisions that would help me develope and mature.
My gut is usually right but the way I was raised, my gut never mattered and I was trained to ignore it, thus, I have made many poor decisions.
Too bad this info wasn't available decades ago.
My life has been a constant struggle and without a good mate, besides.
Wishing you all the very best and much healing and happiness ahead of you!
Thanks for sharing. So glad you're here now! -Calista@TeamFairy
When you’re with the wrong person you won’t find your right person. Until he leaves his wife you’ll not know if he’s your right person. So either way you need to end it. If it’s meant to be he will be free for you further down the line. Good luck.
:)
Trauma disrupts the connection to the self. And the whole point in healing is to repair the connection to the self. So starting it off by saying “No I don’t think you can trust yourself” does not help repair the connection to herself. There’s a major difference between the feeling of “fear” and “intuition”- they feel the same when starting to discern between the two. Fear sometimes comes as a rushed thought from the head whereas intuition comes from the heart (how I feel the difference). And learning to discern between the two is a part of the repairing of the connection to the self. There is no one way to heal. There are multiple ways to heal, all different depending on what resonates with you. Whatever our spirits need to heal, is where we are at. And we cannot rush our healing. We must meet ourselves where we are at.
Totally agree that we want to learn to repair damage so we can trust ourselves. It would be nice to start there, but not practical for most of us who are filled with fear and resentments. Fortunately, any of Anna's courses will jump start this repair process.
I am often trapped between; Is this intuition or is this fear and delusion. On one hand, my intuition is rather good, I have been spot on many times in my life. Now, on the other hand, my wiring is shot. What feels right is often wrong for me. I have to go by logic and facts. It is hard to tell these two sensations apart.
An example of how this looks and feels would be: Imagine waking up from a very real-feeling nightmare about a ghost or demon inside your home or bedroom. After you wake up, logically you know there is nothing there and it was a just a nightmare. However, the fear feeling remains and your body and mind are less convinced and so you might flip a light on for the rest of the night.
Turning the light on isn't your intuition. It wouldn't actually save you if a ghost or demon was haunting you. That would be a fear response but it would feel right in that moment.
Nicely said. Hugs to you, this channel has made me feel less alone.
I strongly agree. Telling someone "No, I don't think you can trust yourself" is setting them up for even more codepence. People with C-PTSD CAN and SHOULD trust their guts and intuition, the problem is we're often disconnected from them, and so tangled up in trauma programming and triggers we don't know what is whatat. We learned early on not to trust ourselves. That's what we need to get back to, that knowledge deep within we know is true.
This is some of the most harmful advice I've heard today.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Fortunately, reconnection with the self happens through many avenues. I've chosen to take the bottom-up processing psychotherapy with a very individualized approach (took a while to find the right therapist, but oh buddy does the trust in the therapeutic relationship and unconditional positive regard help me build other protective factors), in conjunction with acupuncture. As trauma is stored in the body, it must be released in the body. The first time I have ever felt physiologically safe has been on my traditional chinese medicine practitioners' table after a session. Likewise, psycho-education through works like "The Body Keeps the Score" and "Say What You Mean" have helped tremendously.
I just want to add… I know others have mentioned it before but please be careful with how you word things like “you can’t trust your gut.” I have ignored my gut multiple times in horrific situations quite literally because of reading this on your UA-cam videos. It was my choice so I’m not placing blame on you of course, but it heavily influenced me because you had the tools to help me heal and I wanted to give it my best shot. It ended up just traumatizing me even further and doing a lot of damage. I think for people with trauma… I get what you mean about certain temptations to act in certain ways, but in my experience, my gut has never, ever failed to alarm me when something was off about a relationship, no matter how traumatized I was at the time.
I actually think it’s an extremely healing act for traumatized people to follow their gut, especially when we have been gaslit and denied it for so long.
The person telling the story says nothing about how she's affecting "the wife."
You're right, that's part of the insidiousness of cPTSD, we lose sight of how we may be hurting others --yet another reason to take healing work seriously 💜
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's typical that the cheating mate paints their spouse in the worst light, and then the person they're cheating with can feel justified, if they believe all that.
If she were honest, she's getting a slight ego thrill out of being "better" than the wife. It's a huge appeal for people who know that they're sleeping with married folks to see themselves as better than the spouse. Feels good to be better than someone else.
They never want to say it allowed though, because they know they're just being egotistical. And people with huge egos don't like the idea of being the "bad guy", even if they really are.
So they conveniently don't address it.
I think Carl needs help like we have in my country "at home care" where a professional comes to help with some of the care. Tbh I think Carl has caregiver fatigue and that is triggering him making him think so negatively. Which is very understandable even without his history. So with compassion Carl needs help to get moments of free from care moments where he can give up the responsibility
That's an excellent point!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I can’t not stress enough how much this is helping me. My CPTSD is crippling me…omg I’m the hoarder 😕
Her moral compass is broken... nobody wants a cheater unless they have huge insecurities and want to be "the chosen one".
I think the letter made clear that CPTSD plays a part in these complicated emotional entanglements.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel like in certain relationships, the person you are emotionally attached to has special pixie dust.They see all that you have to offer based on the energy you give off and then they blow pixie dust in your face. And that pixie dust puts you in emotional and mental paralysis while they take what they want and scurry away. Then when it wears off, you’re left with all the emotions and thoughts you couldn’t express while the pixie dust had you stuck. So while they are away, you rebuild what you’ve think they’ve taken and you are a bit wiser and stronger than before. Then another person comes along with a more potent pixie dust that stuns you just like before and it happens again. If we can acknowledge what that pixie dust is and how it affects us, we’ll be able to look at the person blowing pixie dust as just a tester of our own strength and will.
They sound like a user, manipulative, maybe even narcissistic. I hope you are not in that kind of relationship now.
So relatable!!!!
It is so hard to know the difference between when I am over or under advocating for myself in an attempt to set healthy boundaries. I watch these videos and I see so many familiar things. Mostly the pattern of questioning our thinking with CPTSD. I am just starting The Daily Practice and I hope it helps me to know when I am making the best decision for myself and when I am reacting in CPTSD.
The Daily Practice helps me with clarity an awful lot!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That is such a struggle, I identify with that. I recognize where I over advocated and was a real pain for others. I hope to be a better me each and everyday.
Following my gut instincts is what saved me from my abusive family. No contact going on six years. Your nervous system is what warns you of unsafe people. Trust your gut even if you have CPTSD. The problem with many trauma survivors is they aren’t listening to their gut instincts and staying in unsafe situations. Most of us are very intuitive and hypersensitive to our environment, we just ignore those instincts because we were taught by our abusers that our perceptions aren’t true or real. Because I spent years ignoring my gut I now have developed GI disorders. Trust your intuition survivors. The more you suppress it the more you will suffer. The advice in this video is best served for how to respond to “triggers” instead of react impulsively. The gut is part of your nervous system and it’s there to protect you from harmful people and situations. You should trust it for the most part, it could save your life, like it has mine.
Trauma bonds are tough to break. It’s not going to feel comfortable to do it. It’s like waiting to want to exercise! The process of growth involves learning how to deal with not wanting to and doing it anyway. You can say no so that you can say yes to something greater for YOU.
:)
GOLDEN 🤗👍✌️
Took a screenshot of your comment. Thanks for your wisdom
@@CS-nb1jc thank you, warms my heart.
Gut instincts and intuition are not the same as initial tendencies or impulses, but they are very easy to get confused if you're not used to it. Just like how "d" and "b" are very different, but look the same to many new readers, especially if that new reader deals with dyslexia.
You should still listen to your gut and your intuition, but only if you can *actually* reliably distinguish it from a trauma response.
Yes. Reliably. And how do we reach to that point? By being at peace with ourselves. Eliminate negative thinking. Checking our biases. Realizing that each person/situation is different. They may be similar, but not necessarily always the same. Then we let go of that trauma, with ease. We have to constantly work at it. And some intuitions are just clear cut, and very obvious for us to hear/see.
@FebbieG yes, that part about distinguishing is the tricky part :). for those that need the help discerning, Anna has developed some great courses
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow, these letters were so real. I could feel the deep desire of the people to overcome their difficulties(and they will!) The "Fairy's" advise on how to navigate through the turbulent emotional waters is always amazing. Thank you! Thank you! I have to say though, I was a little triggered myself by the response given to "Carl". (I guess I'll have to examine that:)) I don't think he was truly heard, and that the personality disorder in his wife had achieved its ultimate victory in hiding itself in a physical illness, thereby getting a pass. The mind-body connection is very real and auto-immune disease can be rooted in self loathing or self obsession. Wouldn't it be fair to ask Carl's wife to get help for her emotional problems so he can healthfully help her with her physical problems? God bless you.
Thanks for your comments :)
As a stepmom I identify a lot with that scenario, it is hard because you know you will never really be a mom to your spouse's child. I started thinking of my role as more of an aunt or something like that and it helped me to let go a little bit of some of those weird feelings of competition for my spouse. Even though I'll never be my stepson's mom I care about him a lot and I'm happy that I can be involved in his life and give him support. Definitely rooting for this woman who gained a stepdaughter and grandkids. The relationship can get better in time.
Agreed! Beautiful insight, thank you!
I would like to say to Karl, that it is amazing that he could as a boy take care of his mother and that this probably helps him now take care of his wife, because he has experience at caretaking. I feel like Karl understands that he does the right things and carries on. I also feel like he wants to hear just a "thank you", and it is so understandable! Everybody wants to hear that when it's due. But it is especially hard to hear those "thank you-s" from people who are very sick, maybe because they are so caught up in their pain and misery that they don't really notice the people around them. In those dark hours when it seems that our efforts are not appreciated, we should do some little thing for ourselves that brings sunlight into our lives, and pat ourselves on the back.
I was really touched by the lady who is triggered by her step grandchildren and commend her honesty and bravery. I was encouraged by The Crappy Childhood Fairy's advice to leave the room and write. I wish you all the best in your healing, thank you for playing a part in mine. Emma
Dear Fairy,
I must tell you I like and am so impressed by your insights, your wisdom and your empathy.
Kindest regards from Sweden, 🇸🇪
Thank you Sweden :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
i never learned to trust myself because my whole life ive been living in reactivity, being defensive and not knowing how to effectively deal with emotional triggers. ive had the fight or flight thing since childhood where i would automatically lash out, shut down, become passive aggressive, dish out silent treatments and/or cut people off when i perceive threats or criticisms. the feelings of not being good enough, worthlessness & abandonment would come up each time i get triggered by what people say or do to me, not knowing that what they say or do come from their own projections, bias, mindset, thoughts & values. i actually have plenty of self awareness now, so now i try not to make any decisions when im in the triggered/fight or flight mode where i cannot think clearly and would almost always do or say things that i will regret later. i try hard to refrain from that and maybe take a few days, cool down and think things through before i make a decision. i find this to be way better than before and slowly i learned that i CAN actually trust myself. the gut instinct thingy is just an indication for you to stop, look, observe why you feel this way, and most of the time im right because these people often turn out to be opportunists, narcissistic type, predators, users and takers.
Thanks for being here and sharing with us!
In this day and age, it's hard to make a friend...they say to have a friend, be a friend, and I try; but I have a hard time being a friend my life is in too much turmoil to give energy so I can't expect others to do so.
Yes! No one changes because you shame or guilt them. Compassion is the most helpful.
My little granddaughter has been 'shamed' daily since day one....by the mom and 1/2 siblings. My heart breaks for her...my son also puts her down ..( parents divorced ).
Absolutely! It isn't our fault we have CPTSD so we all deserve all the compassion we can get.
im with you there carl. it sounds like theres a lot of frustrations coming up for you, needing to take care of your wife debilitated when you came from a household of care taking. my family of origin i grew up in a hoarder house and my mother is debilitated so i was a caretaker, a hellish house, and her npd. the resentment and shame must be resurfacing in you big time, double whammy. embarrassment and frustration at the state of your home. there is so much on your plate as ccf said.
Thank you on Carl's behalf for the relatedness and compassion :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I relate to the first letter even though the man who is so attractive to me is single. But I want to be highly moral in life and he pushes me to do things I find bad - just for his fun. I started considering doing some of them to get his love... which I obviously won't get. He doesn't care and I see it. You talked so nicely about what the real love is... I know it, but this guy resets my brain. I exactly find the whole universe in one tiny suggestion of his positive behaviour... I guess I've been doing it my whole life. Looking for love where there is none. I feel so sorry for the poor girl who wrote this. I know this is lack of self worth and the hope that I can be loved and feel excitement. I should probably just block this guy, like she has to. But his aloofness is like a drug.
It's insightful you recognize yourself, and if you need more help take Anna's suggestion and try the free mini course 'Daily Practice' bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
Justinael, I want to wish you luck in dealing with this, I hope you can find a healthy way to detach from him. It’s great that you recognise he’s not good for you.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel Thank you so much for the encouragement 💕 I'm trying to get over him right now.
People with CPTSD need an objective standard to rely on, not just their gut feelings. SOOOOOOO true for me. My gut tells me to run away from forming any relationships because new and unpredictable experiences make me anxious. But my logic tells me that I can grow by being in a relationship that is objectively healthy, and that even objectively healthy relationships require working things out. It is also freeing to realize that others really don't trigger me, the trigger comes from inside, "emotional flashbacks". I love your "hard love" and thoughtful honesty, thank you.
Thank you for watching and sharing your insight with us!
Nika@TeamFairy
"I don't see a way it can get better when you know you're doing something wrong."
That is the epitome of her gut telling her the truth. You said it. She KNOWS she's doing something wrong.
This is such a poorly framed topic this time and very sad to me, because the worst thing someone with CPTSD can do is believe they can't trust their gut...
What they can't trust is their THINKING. What they've never learned to trust is their gut, but it's there ever waiting their attention to it. They must learn to get quiet and listen.
The answers are within each of us. We don't lose that with CPTSD. We just have this sort of cryptex that surrounds it and we don't quite know how to crack the code on it... Our brains got wired in a way that disconnected us from our gut and made us operate from lizard brain... And the brain is plastic. More or less adaptable from individual to individual, but to say we can't trust it is a limiting belief.
What's true is we don't access it automatically like we would without our trauma, but we can learn how to attune to our inner self better and better, the longer we journey in recovery. I know I've already regained better access to my gut, and in the past my gut has never been wrong. I have only failed to heed its messages.
We are all in agreement here, calling it 'thinking' or 'gut' is just semantics. With unhealed CTPSD we are stuck and not able to get to that intuitive and healthy spot. Anna's courses teach HOW to get back there.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Amber, Amen!!!
please do a video on being raised by parents with childhood ptsd❤️
Good idea. Thanks.
"Crap fit" thank you for naming what I have been doing all my life with different people and circumstances. I jokingly say that if it's not broke, I can't figure out how to use it😕
Ha ha, good one!
Carl, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I feel stuck in my life in many ways too and like my life isn’t my own. I pray you find your joy and peace and that you can find hope in the little things in life like friendships and just knowing people care. Bless you.
That's so loving, what a great community!
Hey Carl! Thanks for sharing your story. I was a hoarder throughout my 20s which was definitely fear based. Then I discovered Marie Kondo. I listened to her audiobook twice. I felt freedom. A weight lifted off of my shoulders. I love tidying! I know that telling someone what they should do isn't effective. And Marie even says tidying/minimalism is each individual's own journey. We can't force others to do it. But maybe if you showed interest in it, your wife might too? Just sharing my experience.
That is awesome! (love Marie Kondo).
So much of what Anna says is so helpful, However I think she got it wrong in your response to Carl. The wife’s hoarding is impacting his life. Every space is “hers”. He says his boundaries were not respected when he was a child and now his wife is also not respecting his boundaries. I believe in spite of her disability she can simplify her belongings in light of her disability and the needs of Carl.
You are completely right, but just because she should change doesn't mean she can or will. If I had to guess I'd say the chances are less than 3%. Boundaries are not merely what you ask for, they are what you do.
Crappy Childhood Fairy, Your videos actually help people, rather than just talking about the other person (vent session). Thank you. I recognize a lot of your strategies and tools, and I use them myself. We will only have a good life if we look at ourselves and work on how we can do and view things differently. We cannot control others or change others. We can only change ourselves.
Really appreciate those comments!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Do I have to deal with people who trigger me...? Can I just walk away? I absolutely hate feeing triggered and this one person triggers me to no end.
Of course we always have an option to walk away, but we might be triggered less often and less intensely when we are armed with more information about our condition and tools to deal with our disturbances :)
I dont even know what gut feels. I’m very intuitive but I don’t rely to it ever and like to make my decisions based on facts at least
It's been proven that especially severely abused female babies, develop a very good ability to read their situation for safety. This makes sense as the female child must survive in order for humans to continue. I was severely abused starting when I was an infant and my instincts are so honed in, I'm spot on, practically psychic. This skill is necessary for survival.
On this one, you are so wrong. Finally, there's a difference between " following your heart" and " gut instincts" which should NEVER be ignored. They're there to protect you, and how I regret it every single time when I don't follow my gut. Keep in mind that it's different than following your heart and you use these terms interchangeably.
If your instincts have enabled you to choose great people and a happy, fruitful path, then this advice isn't necessary for you.
Amen, girl!
The wife isn't sacrificing anything, she is being robbed, deceived. I hope she never finds out.
It's a perfect example of how CPTSD can cause so much heartache.
This message is damaging, we are talking about 2 different things. Survival instincts and behavioral issues. Woman, if you feel you are in danger, remove yourself from the situation asap. Trust your gut. Assess after. Your gut is there to keep you alive. Two different things!
Thank you! I find this message confusing and damaging, too, particularly when it's directed towards those who are having a difficult time trusting themselves to begin with.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Yes I totally agree. This feels wrong and gaslighting.
As a new follower suffering from CPTSD I’m finding your videos full of great helpful insight. This story about step grandmothering and the advice given to help the situation would need to include a spouse that wasn’t abusive. Unfortunately a recent situation was the final straw. I’m leaving my marriage. As an “outsider” for 32 years I simply cannot figure out the space that myself and my children now 40 & 36 belong. It has been challenging dealing with all of the bad behaviors. Looking forward to doing the work and possibly connecting with you someday.
I get relief from the idea that other people don't have the power to disturb my peace. That concept motivates me to go out and date again. However I feel for Carl that he's living a life that puts his early childhood smack in front of his face every single day. That's got to be rough.
It's so common though that something unexpected happens so that we have to face our unhealed CTPSD.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna, I already respected you but even more so after your advice to Kathleen.
Thank you- that was a brave letter Kathleen wrote!
Dear husband writing in about your spousal relationship, thank you for sharing. I wish I could know how you are today. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
When I asked friend's advice and they told me: "just trust your intuition" I felt so dismissed. I was desperate to tap into my intuition. I was so separated from my own intuition.
The longer I've been working on my mental health in counseling and group, (and watching The Crappy Childhood Fairy and a few other great mental health youtubers) the better I'm getting at it. But I still have to keep a reminder just for myself on a written document of why I went no-contact with my toxic family. I often feel foggy and guilty and I long to just pretend like all is well and contact them again. But then I read that paper and remember I have very valid reasons to keep boundaries.
*"Oh... I'm in a flashback"* 🤐 This is SUCH important advice! It can be hard to zip it, but the more CBT and DBT we do, the better we get at this, too. I was having a flashback this morning, started to take it out on my daughter. But I recognized it as a flashback and was able to regulate myself. I even validated my daughter's feelings, which I was SO glad to be able to do. I am NOT my mother. I will NOT invalidate my daughter just because I feel invalid.
As for the hoarder... I wouldn't expect him to stick around and be buried under junk like that. In fact, he should put her in a care home. It honestly sounds like she needs more professional help than one person can give.
I have so many physical ailments that I'll probably end up in a home, myself. But hoarding on top of it? So she's not doing it to him on purpose. Ok. So? That still doesn't mean he needs to resign his life to her dysfunction.
I absolutely am so so glad you told the truth. It’s an unpopular opinion in many circles but what you said about remembering who else is involved, who else will be hurting. So refreshing. It’s so hard breaking listening to this. This is why my fiancée and I make boundaries with the opposite sex and make each other a priority and we both have CPTSD. ❤
My parents put us down as parents comparing themselves as great/better parents. Such hypocrisy. Seeing how we parent our children triggered their own insecurities/guilt as a parent.
Those kinds of judgments you can definitely get recovered from!
I have been in the first ladies situation 3 x. Every time we lost. All 3 involved. Get out. Stay out. Even if he leaves her the Exact same will happen to you. You will be nothing to him as soon as he does leave because his interest in you will be replaced by grief for her. He is just using you for narcisstic supply, or support. Either way, you are being used and he is a shit.
Look up side chick. That is all you are.
I have a theory that because my mom hated my dad that this is what makes it somehow ok to eff over another woman now. Did you grow up defending your father from your mother?
It is always a losing battle for sure.
I get the husband with hoarder wife. My father is a hoarder and my ex was a hoarder. As a child you can't do anything about it. Although when it is your partner, you have to get rid of the stuff by yourself, or one day just leave the hoarder behind when it becomes too much.
Your words to Kathleen... you are a genuine healer. I once asked a question of a traditional healer at Sacred Fire: "How do I know the difference between intuition and conditioned response?" The long and earnest reply shed no light for me. Your tough-love words aimed for the bone. What tremendous wisdom to answer this way. Thank you for sharing.