Learn To Spot These Pressure Tactics From Romantic Manipulators
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- Опубліковано 14 жов 2024
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Romantic manipulators want to hold you at arm's length, so you will accept behavior from them that you (in reality) find unacceptable. People who were traumatized as children are vulnerable to this kind of mistreatment. In this video I list ten tactics romantic manipulators use to make you believe your perceptions and needs are wrong. I'll tell you how to spot manipulation and how to set yourself free from it.
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"The speed of getting into the relationship caused you to bond with a person before the relationship could support that bond." That's a major lesson for me.
Yeah we're more into the bond than the person it's like I love you what's your name again lol
level_ken : bed. you mean the speed of getting into bed, right? let's call a spade a spade🤣🤣🤣
It doesn't have to be a sexual bond. You can bond on the friendship level before you've determined that the friend is trustworthy and reciprocates. Happens all the time, even in the normal world. Although that isn't exactly what the video is about,
This says it all, IMO.
Perfectly said! I agree! I found that starting slowly and friendship first will weed out the wrong one! God bless you!
"You're just insecure" they say whilst giving you absolutely no reason to feel secure in the relationship. 🥴🥴🥴
Ohhhh I needed to hear this one!
*cheats on you* then says you’re so insecure for months after 😅
Ameeen
Right!!!
I hate it when people talk about "going with the flow," when what they really want is for me to do what *they* want and go with *their* flow.
No.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Very true
@@mammi3577 or the convenient, "lets just see where it goes"...
and where does it go? to bed, then straight out the door. pppphhhhtttttt!!
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
Yup, exactly!
"They're not a mirror, they're not a teacher, they're a jerk" 😆 So awesome! Anna U R sucha blessing. Thanks tons!
Hey, nice to see you!
Never go along with "friends with benefits" relationship...it only benefits your "friend". Don't settle for crumbs
I have a friend with benefits. I only see him once a year for two weeks. So out of 365 we only have sex maximum 4 times. The rest of the year I don't have sex with anyone else. The rest of the year we message back and forth about our traumas. I've know him for 28 years. He never says those manipulative things to me. However he's says it about himself. So we are two people who know that we are broken.
It's not going to produce healthy results for the woman...giving the milk for free and all. I may be old fashioned but we seem to have way more problems than people used to tbh and they endured wars and famines. It is self worth destroying in most cases. You have to be very distant and cavalier for it to work and people on this site just are not that way deep down if they suffer from CPTSD and ADHD or other childhood neglect. They may develop defense mechanisms that make them seem numb, cavalier and detached but it is not real and just result of trauma. Bottom line is it is crumbs and you are training yourself to settle and stay in denial or stalled state when you could be working on yourself and moving toward healthy partnerships closer to your ideal that meets your needs instead of meeting someone else's fantasies. We have to stop lying to ourselves and making excuses or we are wasting our own time and talents and energy. Choose to be valued. Friends with benefits means you are liked BUT NOT valued. If you are valued then you are protected and that means the man puts your needs and emotions and interests ahead of his own physical desires...that's what separated men from boys and no actual men are involved with friends with benefits...just boys being friendly. A friend wants what is best for their friend. Period. But people will make excuses to keep doing things they know are bad for them, so I expect only a few people will read this and have the aha moment I am trying to explain.
@@marleyhill34warning: sorry this will sound harsh but end very uplifting....And you don't think he has a similar arrangement with other females enough to get his needs met? I mean this sounds abysmal. Misery loves company on extended length so it becomes a routine and expected? Next year tell him you can't make it and go on a cruise or something even if it is last minute dirt cheap kind. It reminds me of the man laying by the Baths in the Bible just waiting and hoping someone will help him in the moment the waters move and the healing is out in the water. He tells his tale of wie to Jesus and Jesus says ..Do you want to be healed? He cries out yes and Jesus says get up and be healed...GO. Be healed. Try something new. I do not approve of any sex outside of marriage because I have seen what it does to women and it is all emotionally dangerous at the very least but I know many do not hold my beliefs but casual sex makes no sense, even animals don't do that really and it never benefits the woman and feels like abuse and a trick. I just really think women need intimacy and compassion but settle for sex and ultimately afterwards no matter how consensual and satisfying at the time, they are hardwired and with hormones are left feeling used, expendable and diminished in ways men usually do not. The slut/stud thing is not just social it is biochemical and internal I think. It has to do with attachments too and how the two different sexes and not just genders actually experience things on all levels not just sex or intimacy but all events in life. We are different based on brain connections too. I just really think women have been sent so many confused an mixed messages for nearly a century that we and the men as a result are all feeling identity crises on levels that are creating new traumas not seen before. It is not all bad but it is like any transition, it is messy and difficult. Be true to you and your goals gals and don't feel the need to do things you really don't want to when you have had the time to consider it fully. 💜🕊️🎉🙏👏👍🤗🥰🙌
@@Sarablueunicorn I hope we are wrong but sadly do not think so. We are here for you Marley
@@amandachilds5290 I don't have a problem with him having other women to get his needs met because I can't be there for him all of the time.
My last two relationships were nightmares (lol all of my relationships have been nightmares). So, I started rescuing dogs in 2014. I have four dogs now. My life has been drama free, peaceful, anxiety free for the last 8 years. I don’t constantly worry about what I am wearing, my makeup, my hair. My dogs love me no matter what I look like. I don’t have to worry about being lied to, cheated on, or betrayed.
Awesome!
Ashley@TeamFairy
I grew up in the 50s & 60s. The drumbeat was to be "little miss perfect," with the recipes and the hairdos. Always doing things you didn't want to, to make everyone happy. Now it's that, plus you must have a career. You see these frantic women everywhere. They're the first to criticize we single women as "losers" (even though I saw a cute Asian woman entering your house while you were out of town, hubby alone!). Are all about the calorie-counts and hair blowouts! What the hell is going on?
So your dog doesn't mind when you gain 10 pounds? Lol 😅
@@rubyparchment5523 my mom had to wear a skirt everyday I was a total tomboy in school that would be a nightmare for me lol
Cats for me. Lol. 😻
The shift from "passion" to "ice cold" is so hurtful and manipulative. Not even just their actions, but tolerating it for even a second. Thank you for this video 🙏❤
Yes
It’s coercive, dark, the passion pain tactic...sprang from mind control techniques...that have people drowning in limerence or way worse...I am so thankful for humans who continue to shine light on the dark!
Thank you crappy childhood fairy I love you for the wisdom you impart, the compassion and love that you spread, the healing and strength you plant and grow...and all delivered with a voice so soothing, healing, perfectly pitched, and modulated...I can feel the love come in feeding my spirit, validating what’s right for me, teaching the right questions to ask one’s self, in order to shatter the illusions, kind of calling us on our sh....stuff...when I hear your lovely voice, I know I need to pay attention because YOU are teaching emotion, and this planet really needs more of that, and YOU!
My mom AND my husband have this trait. Hmmm think there's a connection? I married someone who mimicked my own family dynamic growing up. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction. I'm trying to dig my way out of this relationship after many decades of feeling responsible for everyone's bad moods and actions.
One of the keys they use is a love bomb.
Because most of us have deficit to be given currency can feel grate.
They know what they are doing.
yep! How to kill someone: Fill them with love, and then leave.
“If I can just kill that part of me that wants real love and have no expectations then somehow they will realize they love me “ omg 😳 this is exactly what I was doing. It makes no sense logically smh 🤦♀️
I know me too 😢
🎯
I know!
I have tried and tried to be the ‘cool girl’ and put up with nonsense over and over. Thank you for expressing what I’ve been feeling for years. Going along with it never works. Boundaries may take longer but they work. Thank you for all you do.
Proud of you!! You deserve so much better!
If I heard, “You’re being too sensitive” or “You’re overreacting”… One more time. I promise you, my gut always turned out to be spot on!
Totally!
-Cara@TeamFairy
A gut feeling that we excused away, suppressed.
Isn't it? I guess, coming from a psycho-childhood, we actually have a few traits that others maybe don't have, i.e. an ability to observe and 'file' a person long before they even open their mouth. But boy, how often do we suppress that first judgement and try anyway, just to see our first assessment approved (which often makes me freak-out)...
Last guy I went on a date with said “I am the way I am and won’t change for anyone.” that was everything I needed to know never to bother seeing him again, because I had an ex who used to say it and he had no respect for me whatsoever
I was told I was an “emotional terrorist” for being upset about being jerked around and used for sex while being told it was more (which it wasn’t, he just knew I wanted to hear it and then would take it back, say it and take it back 😵💫) and I’m sad to say it worked. He used my self loathing from being neglected as a little kid emotionally against me - I’m just glad I was able to see it at all & get out ❤️
Happy you are free!
yea if someone is manipulating you, you can’t care if they decide to label you as any type of bad person. I think they do that to weaken you, and to keep you engaging with them.
Yeah because most casual relationships are BS if you have normal jealously or possessiveness like hey I don't want to share you those feelings will be stronger in a casual situation because the partner doesn't have to prove anything to you
@@sunflowers2469 : You got it right !
Unfortunately in cases like these this is why you don't involve yourself sexually with a man until you're either married or in a healthy exclusive relationship. The time wasters most usually remove themselves on that one basis and will even tell you that your not worth it unless sex is involved-don't believe their BS they're damaged people who think a relationship is ONLY made up of sex. You'll think your just being too up tight when in fact your vetting out that abusive behaviour.
So, I just ended a "friends with benefits" relationship the other day. I have been using the free daily journal she offers to help regulate myself, went to visit this friend that I was already weary of. I went out there with the intention of being strictly friends and not allowing poor treatment for myself anymore. Well, I notice the massive red flags that were happening. I chose to leave, not spend the night (was going to sleep on the couch). I ended the friendship. I finally had clarity and saw how manipulative this person is, because he liked the sense of power over multiple females. He has very low self esteem and selfworth and now because of his poor behavior he lost someone who has integrity and respect. Integrity and respect was not given to me, I am so proud of myself for walking away and seeing things Clearly!!!! I am so happy. I feel so strong. My feet are firmly in reality and I refuse to be manipulated anymore!!!
Thanks for sharing this victory, the Daily Practice provides clarity for me too!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"You're not in this relationship to learn a lesson from the universe." Priceless, yet accurate, information.
My experience of romantic manipulation is being guilt tripped and made to feel like I wasn't giving enough to a relationship, when I was pouring endless love into a bottomless pit in return for crumbs.
Everything he accused me of being strangely turned out to be an accurate portrayal of his behaviour.
I think this video seems to be aimed more at people dating, as I can't say I've experienced any of this stuff in a relationship.
Sounds like what narcissists do. All that stuff you're describing.
Then you've been lucky, because it absolutely DOES happen in relationships. They pressure you to commit quickly, but they never do.
@@nuthinbutluv4u142 Or we can just accept that everyone's experience is different.
Maybe he considered it a relationship....in which he would do those things to make you stick around trying to prove you weren't those things.
AJ That's on you. You're the one trying to say "this never ever happenedto me so obviously it never happened to anyone else ever".
That's your issue, to accept that everybody's experience has been different because Lord knows I've gone through it myself. I just simply don't put up with it now.
So true! Very typical of people pushing polyamory because their traumas make it impossible to bond normally with one person and then mocking the rest of society that values and wants monogamy
I came here to say this very thing about polyamory, and serial monogamy, and casual sex. People want to make it sound like they're so woke and progressive while the rest of us are stuck in the stone age for wanting one partner for life. Luckily for me I put 2 and 2 together and realised anything other than monogamy in a committed relationship is destructive to my soul, and I made peace with being "old fashioned and uptight".
I was solo poly for about 5 years. I knew I was not in it for "healthy" reasons but I was working on myself. A lot of the men were either unstable or stagnant mentally. Neither of those two things are good for me. Looking back, I'm glad I had the experience because it allowed me to cut the crap amongst men. When they wanted to blame or gaslight me for things, I would calmly say, "it's not me causing this alone because I don't have a similar problem with the other men in my life. What about the other women in your life? Maybe it's just the both of us?" they couldn't destroy myself esteem. It taught me a lot about men and a lot about myself. I say be responsible and careful. I had a safety buddy for personal safety, a Mirena against pregnancy and condoms and regular sexual health clinic check ups. I chose solo poly because I do not like how I am in monogamous relationships, I give too much to the other person and forget about myself. Being solo poly meant that my life was structured so that I had to focus on other people including myself instead of obsessing over one partner.
Monogamy is best for producing healthy families to ensure the future of humanity. 😐
This has just happened.
I spent a year pining after a guy stringing me a long with breadcrumbs and ghosting periods ,after being quite naive with dating.
Even today after finally standing up for myself , too late and in a reactive manner I blame myself and am full of shame like I ruined the opportunity... He didn’t even respect me enough to return a phone call. It feels humiliating to be played for a fool when I felt a connection with him
@@sophiareed8266 a year of falling into a deep depression, rumination over this person and loss of respect from even my friends who told me to block him long ago, and being addicted to crumbs I’m not sure I dodged a bullet.. but thank you…it opened up a well of pain I suppose I needed to be made aware of
You did a really great thing in standing up for yourself. I hope you forgive yourself for how you did it and when. I relate to what you describe about your experience here and I've found that those parts of myself that shame me are working really hard to protect parts of me that are trying to get needs for love and connection met in the best way they know how. I hope you find a sense of peace and wellness, in whatever way feels true and right for you.
I’m sorry 💜 I hope you’re healing
@@Nightswim_ I'm sorry this also happened to you. I just went through this same situation. 💜
@@madid6326 sorry to hear that. I hope you can find peace again.
It’s extremely painful to open up after so long ..for some connection to the completely wrong person.
everyone has a right to expectations, no one has the authority to define your expectatons for you, and anyone who downplays your expectations will readily dismiss any other of your feelings and ideas, and the most basic level of respect upon which any love can be built is one in which your side of the story matters.
It seems like all your power is in keeping things really slow in the beginning of a relationship! And finding out as much as possible about your partner.
Yep. Let the unsuitable people disqualify themselves.
Yes the vetting period. Very important.
"you know how to spot manipulation , you know when you're not gonna get what you want- that is cool."
Needed to hear this! ❤️
That happened to me in October. We will go out for my birthday when you get here. Oops sorry no... migraine.
This video is a good reminder why i blocked her.
No Contact is a soul saver!
Me too. Never again!
Don't give all of your information away to anyone... Boyfriend or friend too soon. It takes time to get to know who you're dealing with.
They don't respect your boundaries. They can't take no for an answer. If they get you to date they will try to rush you if you don't want to rush.
Manipulation:
1. "You're too jealous/possessive."
2. "Your expectations are unreasonable."
3. "I thought you knew that I was dating someone else."
4. "I never suggested those plans..."
5. "You're not being in the moment."
6. "You're too much in your head. You need to be in your body."
7. "People aren't really designed for monogamy."
8. "It's all good; it is what it is." (placating you)
9. "You're asking...., but what you're really feeling...."
10. "This is healing for you." (while they are hurting you)
Good explanations of these are offered!
2.
Lol, I love how you address those "New Age" things manipulators say. I actually got told 13 years ago when I was being discarded, "Only you can break your own heart." Ridiculous. Some people have no knowledge of what it means to bond to another person on that level and what goes on in the neural network of our brains when we allow ourselves to do so. The whole idea of "non-attachment" is completely warped. The true principle of non-attachment has absolutely nothing to do with disregarding the bonds of the loving relationships we form. It has to do with materialism, to put it simply. If we're not supposed to be attached to anything or anyone by that warped perspective, might as well just cut our arms off and then look down on ourselves for allowing ourselves to feel pain from it, right? Ridiculous.
Like being corrected when you say, “Mary made me feel like . . . “
Being told nobody can make you feel anything is nonsense.
@@genxx2724 Exactly.
Yeah deep and true concepts can definitely get misused by manipulators. They’re not supposed to be used as weapons, but as tools for self-reflection and growth.
And using "non-attachment" as an excuse to hurt people is horrifying and insulting to me, a Buddhist (where non-attachment is a central idea). You're right - Buddhist non-attachment has nothing to do with that kind of manipulation, and in fact, lay people are advised not to have sex without a commitment as one of the 5 Precepts (Thich Nhat Hahn's modernized version is of the precepts is my favorite.)
@@snooksmcdermott No doubt, right!? Imagine if a mother was "non-attached" to her newborn. I actually saw a post by a man in a Facebook group for Tibetan Buddhism asking for advice on how he can remove his attachment to his wife and children - not because he wanted to leave them, but because he was trying to practice the principle of non-attachment. I was like, What?! Don't do that! You're supposed to be attached to them. That's not what it means! lol.
I am a pracharak for my Guru in India, Shiv-Shakti Yoga or Inner Light & Sound Meditation, and we too, practice sexual discipline. I actually offer a course on how to preserve your sexual energy WITHOUT suppressing it, for those who aren't in a relationship and want to make sure they fully bond with someone once they do form a commitment - or even for those who are married and don't want to have more children than they can handle and also don't want to use birth control, which is SO harmful for women's bodies. So, I'm right with ya' there. Sexual discipline is an important part of any spiritual practice or even for just living life as the most optimal version of yourself.
Excellent ability to cut the crap. We people are usually trying to be accepted and acceptable: and narcissists and romantic manipulators abound . Beware .
this is true for other new relationships, like new friendships. I find that woman will love bomb another woman, to become friends, then slowly get into crazy power trips with their emotions. and then '' end '' the friendship in indignation over something that makes no sense
The "cool girl" phrase is quite helpful, thank you. Monogamy is a good thing, and especially for those of us that have CPTSD.
My sons father acted like this with me. We both came on strong and boom both our issues seems to come up, but I’m choosing healing for myself and our son. Our son deserves at least one conscious and healing parent. Thanks for the video! ❤️
The new age ideas totally resonate.. “Just live a little”, “let’s not define what we have”, “the journey is more important than the destination”, “lifelong monogamy is not worth it”… Urggh.. can’t believe I fell for these:( All the points match my EX to a T. Wish I knew. Never too late I guess.
I call them “New Age wackos”.
I've noticed that nobody says "It's all good" unless they're discussing something that was definitely suboptimal.
Everything you said left your lips, went through my ears, and went straight to my mind and heart. I felt so exposed and vulnerable listening to you because you described to the letter what happens to me in romantic relationships. Everything. I thought it was just my bad experience that happened to no one else but me. I feel strangely validated and ready to end this cycle now
That's a very good sign. You can do it.
Same here.. I feel better that it was not all in my head and that I was in fact being manipulated
@@Sans21new its an odd relief, isnt it?
The only lesson these kinds of relationships teach you is to know you deserve better. Your wants and needs are valid, even if they do not represent the other persons needs and wants.
What about the classic one: "You are just too sensitive". Ugh. Next time someone will say that to me, I'll reply: "No, you are not sensitive enough".
I just heard that. After explaining, why his cancelling our date at the last moment was stressful for me, his response was "maybe you should be more chilled".
I could fall for that before but not anymore.
I’ve literally told a guy that maybe he needs to soften up after he came onto my fb comment section of a post I made about my lower back injury pain telling me to “harden up buttercup”?? Wtf??
"...not a teacher, they're a jerk!"
OMG, so true. I havent had this one used on me, but observed a friend going through it.
The arrogance!
Exactly!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Went through that.
Usually, when people say they don’t want monogamy, they really mean they do not want you!
yep. if someone really wants someone, they dont want anyone else!
Polyamorous people exist and it's not a character flaw 🙄 just don't date polyamorous people if you're monogamous.
@@viktorcordyceps1978 kinda steppin‘ on my argument there fella
@@viktorcordyceps1978 actually, you have a point. and my former grand father in law had two wives.
but i would not want to share. i think i am monogamous at heart.
Tell the manipulator: "Actually, I am in the moment. That moment just happens to be in the future."
LOL!
This! This! You confirmed something major for me! I feel so crappy that i was trusting the next guy and telling him how badly the previous guy treated me. He would say "That guy treated you so wrong." And then turn around and use that data to manipulate my trauma. Wow! So sickening. I feel used up when I watch these educating and enlightening videos, but this is a part of the inner work that any "addict" has to face to heal and change their self-defeating patterns and behaviors.🙏🏽
Yeah, I wouldn't tell the next one. Why keep reliving it? Just tell him you don't talk about exes.
@oxox8888 What if a guy that your dating also told you about his bad past experiences with previous partners though?
Why would you tell a guy what someone else did to you? They ask about these things to gauge what you will put up with. Don’t use guys as your therapist.
@@genxx2724 no, you shouldn't date someone who uses this kind of info to gauge what they can get away with it. Better stay single than pit up with any of that. When you've found someone who won't use it against you, that's someone you could consider dating. But no, not every guy does that.
Wowza! You just described the 10 mth relationship I got out of. It ended abruptly when he said after we returned from our second short trip together that he didnt think he was the right guy for me and I said, ya know, I don't think I am the right woman for you! I had been praying for a way out of the emotional roller coaster he had me on, and boom, it happened! Just 2 months prior and after I broke it off with him, I stumbled on to your channel and had already been submerged into learning about cptsd which I realized I have. I have used this past relationship and your videos to learn about the pitfalls and how to heal. Making super progress! Bless you!
So glad you shared that! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
Always trying to keep the peace by allowing disrespect is a problem I've had in my marriage.
So glad my dating days are long past. Nothing but pain
I shut down my romantic feelings and intentions towards the person that was trying to manipulate me. I just turn my back and walk away.
Breakthrough story: I recently broke up with a manipulative friend who exhibited ALL of these - I was a friend and was distant from the romance of it all, but I heard her say the same things about others and even within the context of our friendship. She had impaired empathy and little compassion, would never apologize for her wrongdoings, lied, would gaslight and neglect and deflect, and stonewall.. she was a spiritual narcissist . My awareness helped me tremendously! In 3 month into knowing her I saw all the signs and began to slowly get out by grey-rocking and distancing. She'd use constant texting and emotional intimacy to hook me but I was unhooked after knowing her. I had enough and finally cut all chords cold turkey and asked her to not contact me. I blocked her from all social media, her family and friends too, and I cannot tell you how FREEING it is to set myself up for success by prioritizing my needs and boundaries.
Good for you! I broke up with a long term friend after working for her. She did offer me many opportunities both financially and career wise- but then was unkind, and unaccountable for her crass, abusive behavior when I expressed myself. When I tried to share my feelings she would steamroll me and accuse me of “just being depressed” and that it “isn’t her problem”, and that she “doesn’t need to change”. I told her I’d like to break up directly after she said that and have had to rebuild my confidence in this career path without her (as she had micromanaged and second guessed every move I made). Congrats to us!
YES! Freedom is key! :)
Ashley@TeamFairy
@Jenny Aarde wow that’s just a lot to deal with.. i’m glad you were able to break up. It just sucks so much to experience their bullshit. But honestly yes! Congrats for breaking up :) I’m sorry about my late response btw
@Crappy Childhood Fairy yess!!
Yup, When someone tells you who they are, Believe them......
they are, believe them the first time!
Sounds like my marriage. I only realized that I was being abused by my husband for the past 30 years about 2 years ago through therapy. My husband (and his family) were virtually treating me like an emotional/verbal doormat and I believed it was my fault. It mimicked my own family dynamic of my mom "pulling me close and then pushing me away", just as Anna says in this video. I blamed myself for not being perfect or pretty enough. It's his own dysfunctional upbringing that made him believe this was ok. Not sure my marriage will be saved but once I asserted myself and said enough is enough, he's acting differently. For me, I feel like it's too little too late.
So sorry you’ve been going through this! Check out Marriage Helper, they may be able to offer you hope 💖
I really needed to hear that if we don't stop, this manipulation isn't stopping either. Been 14 months of this abusive cycle and I'm feeling so weak. I blocked him yesterday from all platforms. I'm really ready to cut off all hopes, take life in my own hands and move on. Thank you so much Anna
Holy shirt! I need to watch this one 85 times! Thank you so much! I see myself in here, and it hurts in a hopeful way 🍀
I'm so glad the video was helpful. Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
Anna you are brilliant! Your channel came into my feeds a couple of weeks ago just in time as I was breaking up with a so called ‘polygamous’ Relationship that was beyond manipulative and all I was yearning for was monogamy and stability. I fell in love of course and conformed to his conditions and not having any of mine met! I always thought I’m a magnet to these types of men but you explain things so well that I understand myself better now. From loosing my mother to suicide at age 12 due to my father’s affair and a father who was too busy with his mistress… this situation had a huge impact on my self esteem. I’m 55, divorced, then dated younger unavailable men for years after and now trying to heal myself from all this mess. Your video have helped tremendously thank you!
Thank you for this note. I'm so sorry what happened to you when you were young. Your struggles are so normal. Once you can see through the issues that were fuzzy before, it gets so much easier to make changes! Maybe I'll see you in course or on a Zoom call soon.
When I tried to be somewhat romantic with my European manipulator, he laughed and said, "What do you want? To hug? To dance?" as if that was the last thing in the world that was going to happen. And it was. Sex with absolutely no emotion was all he wanted. It took me two times to step away, and it was very difficult to do. I honestly wanted to try to help him evolve. All while knowing better. I think I would have allowed episode threee if not for these videos.
Glad that you were able to step away from this. You don't deserve to be mocked like that for trying to introduce emotion, romance and caring in to a relationship. Casual is fine if that's truly what both people want and they go in to that, willingly and openly, but when one person is subtly manipulated in to it - that's just wrong. Don't give up on your romantic side 😊 It's a beautiful thing!
@@roro8471 Thanks, Molly. That's true. I was very subtly manipulated -- for two years of "courting"! Haha. That slow burn made me trust him. What a joke. I am so glad I found these videos just as I was falling into the black hole.
I recognized my father in this video. The description of how an emotional manipulator works fits him well. One of the things he said hundreds of times is "I'm hurting you for your own good!" as he beat or punished me. Then, he would act as if nothing happened. The other one that hit hard was he would be affectionate in one moment, then cold as ice the next. But everyone of the 10 things you mentioned fit.
I'm sorry you had that experience x
@@berenicem8750 thank you! ❤️❤️❤️
"The pretending like nothing happened" this is the worst part because it makes you think you are crazy
I have been following you for quite a while now and just enrolled in your dyregulation bootcamp. I tried many things and healed a lot of issues very successfully, but my nervous system is something that truly still needs work. I m eager to get started. Thank you for all you do!
Wonderful!
Funny that almost everything in this video is exactly why I left AA... In this area, I call it 'fairweather fellowship'. Some of the phrases in this video are word-for-word local slogans that I repeatedly heard, both during meetings and out with members!
(Btw like my birthday, my dry date never changed or mattered. They're both on the same day, and now I don't need to 'celebrate' loudly the way others want me to.)
Somehow I still wish much love to everyone else. So as a happily single guy on Valentine's Day, I say Happy Cheap Chocolate Day tomorrow!!!!
@Misd Mea Culpa i forgot about that! Didn't they call that 13-stepping?
You have boundaries and you want to keep out time- wasters and energy- drainers and what is beautiful and good in you without giving anything back.
I dated a guy in the past that would write in the bathroom mirror- Expectations make you suffer”., he was love bombing me till he got what he wanted me moving to another state to be with him and help him pay the rent. Once I got there his entire personality changed from night to day. It was a shock to my system. I learned that it’s up to me to protect myself and my heart. Nowadays I feel when people are abusive they come up with all kinds of excuses and reasons as to why they did what they did. It is ultimately my responsibility to eliminate people from my life who are hurtful and don’t have my best interest at heart.
That sounds like it was a very difficult experience.
-Cara@TeamFairy
What a Dirtbag!
They also say "now you know how I feel".
Thank you for this video 🙏 I was manipulated on line for 3yrs. Kept begging me for money on a very regular basis ...
I get told I overthink
You are not alone!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I never understood was going on with me until I saw your videos . And it all makes sense. Unfortunately I have passed the curse to my children. I'm really working to change that. Thank you so much for responding and giving me feedback.
Hi, I just wanted to say thanks to this video I avoided being in a relationship with a narcissist last week, every word in your video was true, I go no contact and saved myself, your video gave me a lot of assurance I don't even sad about the guy❤️❤️❤️ Thank you 💕
Want to add it took me only one week after meeting him to discover he is a narcissist, in my twenties it took years because I doubted myself a lot after falling for these romantic manipulations, so please don't gaslight yourselves it's so easy to spot the narcissists if you took what she is saying seriously 💕
Absolutely loved it! Sharing with my friends because they justify their trauma bounding with new age ideas and it is heartbreaking. They enable these jerks because they think they help them to heal! but they only suffer and feed these thiefs.
The universe is giving me the lesson over and over again to SEE it all. I was just in trauma brain and making it up.
Precisely what I was going through for fourteen years married to a probable narcissist. Never was able to make myself independent and unromantic ENOUGH for my husband so that he couldnt accuse me of being too demanding + dependent on him, expecting him to act as my parent or/and being jealous. Needless to say, I didnt make any jelous scenes and for at least ten years he flirted with people around him in front of me. And, because most of them were his relatives it was all the more subtle and hard to uncover. Crazy? Yes, indeed.
I've heard every one of these. At last I know what I'm hearing, and what to do with it. Flush, twice when necessary.
I think you just saved my life
1. I wasn't jealous, but he accused me of being jealous of his social life. Total projection.
2. He didn't say he would date others but didn't say he wouldn't either. But then didn't invite me to events and blamed it on my being an introvert.
3. I did not sleep with him! yay, progress.
Sounds like you've got great awareness and are setting strong boundaries! Excellent! :)
Ashley@TeamFairy
Bang on! The guy who I thought was love of my life still insists that he told me that he’s poly. BULL.SHIT.
As the ex-partner of someone who has Cptsd I feel like this is a bit unfair. When We first met I tried to be open and honest, and I never lied.
But all I got back was clinginess, obsession, lies, constant gaslighting, and they made me feel like I was going crazy.
It felt quite emotionally draining and time consuming being with someone like that, so I had to cut all ties to protect my own mental health.
Then I got all the abuse, silent phone calls, etc and he is lucky I didn’t report him to my boss otherwise he would have lost his job as well.
I know you are just trying to help and give advice to people who have cptsd, but they need to accept responsibility too!
Sounds like your relationship is NOT what's being covered in this video. Don't take it as criticism against you
She not just talking about people with cptsd, she talking about romantic manipulators specifically which most likely have some sort of cluster B mental illness or cptsd that played a role in them becoming manipulators. I think I have cptsd and I'm pretty sure my ex did too, but he is also extremely narcissistic and a player that can be so charming and attractive unless you know better like me or any of his exes. Romantic manipulators are just folks that use love as leverage or a weapon, to get what they need and to have power over others. They don't have the ability to love in the pure and honest way love is meant to be. Trama of not getting love and attention from your parents sufficiently can make a kid seek validation or acknowledgement from whoever will give it. Alot of times it requires the manipulator to play the role or fabricate ideals that draw someone in so that they can be used until they aren't valuable anymore. Usually that person getting used will catch on and hopefully put an end to it before serious damage is done. Or they figure out what's happening and don't end it before the damage is way more than it has to be like my story. I learned, but it took alot before I shut it down. It's easy to spot now, but it's still harder to see when it's a romantic hopeful because we always put that person on a higher pedestal and give them special status according to our feelings. They get inside before you realize usually. It's shitty.
It sounds like your ex was unhealed in a lot of areas. If he was on a healing path he would take responsibility for his actions as that is a major factor in healing CPTSD.
Sounds as tho you were with a narcissist.
@@Lola-mt1ne people who have C-PTSD are often narcissistic.
Reassuring that I didn't do any of these things... Whew...
Thank You for calling out New Age (a gateway to narcissism)👍
Ratio et fides!!!!
Here's a story. I was in a relationship for 15 years. He used to show off about how good some of the dishes he cooked were and suggested one he'd cook for me. In reality, he once put some ready made food I bought in the oven and he made me scrambled eggs a couple of times. In 15 years. I find it amazing he even 'breadcrumbed' and 'future faked' something as simple as cooking for me. Me, I made cakes and puddings and veggie lasagne and all sorts.
This is excellent Anna. I’ve been manipulated so many times and then not realized it because my red flag detector is broken and because I always hoped for the best in that person but then they started to annoy me and I put up boundaries. Manipulators don’t like boundaries. My first marriage - they told me I was imagining things and then we went to a therapist and the therapist told me I had a trust problem - when thy one were out flirting with other people at bars when we went together to the bar. that’s just one example. I just recently had a manipulative experience but I was Limerent and I’m trying to sort it out cause I kind of feel brokenhearted and I’m reading about Limerence and going through all the limerent things outnthere. but that person could have been honest with me after flirting and then sort of ran away - long story. I’ve had so many New Age manipulators too. I’m done with that.
I must say that the insight that you have is uncommon. I love that you can describe and illuminate these scenarios so that we can identify. This is a gift 🙏
I came here only three days after cutting someone off someone that apparently was dating someone else but didn't want me to know and when I knew he decided to say that women like to be lied to women are over exaggerating just because I didn't want to be in a relationship of that sort and I blocked him and I kind of felt guilty and the other part of me kind of wanted him to reach out to me but at the same time was like you don't even like him you just met him but I'm really proud of myself that I took the step to cut him off.These videos help.alot.lots of love from Tz🇹🇿😍
A multitude of great advice once again! Thanks Anna for teaching women how to protect ourselves from predatory jerks.
I'm teaching both men and women, just so you know. Jerks come in all shapes and sizes!
"The speed of the relationship caused you to bond BEFORE you could support that kind of bond"
Min 3:25
The speeds vary based on emotional maturity. But even the emotionally mature will suffer these situations because most people lie and manipulate and they don't even know they are.
Thank you so much for calling out the new age bullshit.
Jesus Christ. You just summarized my relationship. Pretty much all of it. Wow. It’s really helpful to see it all laid out like this.
Had an ex like this; he did all of this to get my underwear off and he was done. I ended it as pfft, screw that! Also, he told me I 'think too much.' Ugh. What a twat.
Getting clear on what you need for trust building with yourself and another I have found is a lovely way that minimizes, guilt, shaming and/or blaming, manipulation, defensiveness, etc... it keeps it simple, it's fair, it allows that each of us have unique relationship preferences.
But also, support this trust building in being clear on your own values. Have realistic expectations for yourself and others... which means your values are your healthy comfort zone. You do not need to attempt to convert others to your values or vice versa but YES, conflicting values is a deal breaker. You can kindly let this inform the parameters of your relationships - friendship can allow varying values, but if you are a fall in love and build a family person. Someone with the same build a family values, is the safe place you need for your love to grow. 🌱 Make sure your love is in safe hands that have the same values as you. 😇
I am very focused on secure attachment building to know for myself and to share with others 😇🌻🥰
THANK you for making these videos and treating us with dignity.
Even when all of the points match, it's extremely difficult to detach. Specially if they are very good looking.
This is exactly what I need to hear right now ...
Thank you, Anna!!!
I have wasted so much energy and time on relationships like this, but the good news is that I see it now and I have the tools to walk away and start creating what I wish to create in my life! ...
Thank you so much, this was really insightful.
This happened a lot when I was in my 20’s. I found I was a little better at spotting the red flags in my 30’s.
All of these hit home. I sure wish I had this list prior to meeting him. I had been with my ex for 24 yrs. 6 months later I decided to date. And met the biggest manipulator. He did most of the things you talk about on this video. What a manipulator he was. If I had known I would have walked away from the start. Ugh!
I'm glad you've found this information now :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Awesome video. Reminds me of how I was manipulated by my exes. Makes total sense.
Exactly my history with narcissistic abusive boyfriends.
So done! Thank you so much for your work.
Oh my. I wish I had met you…before I married and after 22 yr escaped. You would have saved my life.
Not too late!
I’m at work but I can’t wait to watch ❤️ happy Valentine’s Day
Your analysis, gutsy honesty and crystal clarity are inspirational.
Thanks so much for being here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm so proud of myself for standing firm with my boundaries and not letting the recent ex fwb come back into my bed this past weekend cause had I seen him I wouldn't have been able to pick myself up again for awhile, especially with Valentines Day having been this week
Thank you for every video Anna, you truly are a fairy!!!!!
I sooooo wish I had seen this video when I was 21.
Me too!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ugh, this is so validating to hear, thank you Anna. It covers 99% of the covert narcissist I was unfortunately involved with before I understood my attachment wounds and started proper therapy. He was just using me to emotionally have an affair on his fiance who wanted to have a baby with him, and then blamed it all on the universe and how this was a lesson for me. He even came to therapy with me talking about how he wanted to be a safe place to heal my trauma (probably the most alluring thing you could ever tell someone with CPTSD) and then it turned out it was all a lie and manipulation. A sociopathic individual, and me, naive, idealistic, hurt, and insecure. Never, ever again!
That is so cruel of him. Being in a committed relationship but not acting as though committed is a huge warning sign. You cannot expect loyalty and honesty from someone who is actively lying and cheating emotionally.
Learning so, so much from you. Thank you so much. You have just described most of my relationships.
Yep
I love the timing of your videos especially standing up this morning to someone In my life who is manipulative felt great, thank you for your videos❤️❤️
Its them telling you exactly what you want to hear when you are with them and Ice cold the minute you leave their presence. Walk away. It's not worth it
Trauma makes it hard for you to avoid getting manipulated and it gives you an abandonment wound that makes it hard to leave even when you know you need to do that.
Yep. I was big-time trauma bonded. His tactics were underplaying what was happening, and outright lying, There was so much shame I had by that time, plus being so trauma-bonded, that my self-esteem had taken a nose-dive and I put up with his crap for SO MANY DECADES. Do yourself a favor and GET OUT.
Thanks for listening!
Ashley@TeamFairy
"When you have an important question, like, did you sleep with someone else last night?"... Followed by the BS platitudes. LOL so hilarious! I'm laughing so hard and because it's also so true! How ridiculous!
Great video! ❤️
I've been watching a friend loose herself in a relationship with this kind of person (another friend!). It's heartbreaking, but after every moment of clarity she falls back into the fog. I've distanced myself from the manipulator, telling her I'm not okay with her behaviour, but that seems to draw the manipulated friend even closer.
It disgusts me, truth be told, because there are so many boudaries being crossed in so many ways... and I've lived throught that, myself.
I hope being avaliable for the manipulated, but not involved with their "relationship", can help her grow the strenght to step out on her own.
re: 0:49. That is what the narcissistic healing community called “fast forwarding”. People who rush a relationship into becoming something serious. Remember Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson? They were married in just three (3) days. Two babies and divorced in three (3) years.