Let’s put aside if you were toxic or not for a second, you’re here reflecting on your behaviour and acknowledging the things you did wrong. You have empathy and I’m assuming that you’re willing to change, that shows growth and maturity. A truly toxic person doesn’t feel remorse and often doesn’t acknowledge that there is a problem. We all make mistakes and display behaviours we’re not proud of but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a toxic person. Maybe you just have some growth to under go.
More mental health issues should be discussed from the point of view of the attacker. There is tons of resources for victims, but nothing will change until we can recover attackers.
I remember that one year when I was the toxic person in a friendship but I couldn't find help anywhere. It was like toxic people should just stop exist or go and die in a ditch (yes, someone said so, and I actually thought back then that this woud be the only way to stop being toxic because no one said that there could be another solution.).
I remember not too long ago I asked a therapy tiktokker why it seemed like therapists always seem to offer tips and advice for the victims of toxic people and not the toxic people themselves cause that seems like it would be equally helpful. She reminded me of a really important saying. "Hurt people, hurt people". So if you find yourself acting toxic, as I often do, it's time to ask yourself what trauma YOUVE experienced that has led to that aladaptive behavior.
I think "keeping score" is the response to feeling un-heard or feeling like you need to prove why you feel how the way you do because the other person wouldn't believe you when you told them. If one person is keeping score then both people are probably being toxic.
I think I agree with this. Sometimes people will gaslight you so you don't know if you're actually going crazy. Keeping score can be a defense mechanism, but it is a pretty toxic one.
If you were to ask me, yes, i am toxic. The fact that i accept my own humanity and mistakes is a step forward to improvement. Most of the toxic people are not open to improve, even if they're aware of their own toxicity.
I always worry about this. If I catch myself saying something that is manipulative in some way I freak out! My guy is such an amazing person and does his best to understand me and what goes on with me. He really doesn't deserve to be manipulated or treated badly at all. I always worry that I am toxic for him and don't realise it.
Yeah, I feel the same way about my girlfriend. I worry I cross boundaries all the time, and I don’t want to mess up because she’s so sweet and nice. It’s both of our first times in a relationship and I also have doubts about myself sometimes - did I do that right? Should I have done that? - but I don’t want to guilt trip her or anything like that. I think to myself she deserves someone better than me, and feel like I’m not good enough even though she is caring and loving to me and I feel bad that I do that. I’m working on getting better though, and this video definitely helped me.
I’m the toxic one in the relationship and I tried to be a good partner but sometimes I can be a horrible person, sometimes I feel like it’s better to be alone, honestly, then I don’t have to always feel guilty when I catch myself doing something/saying that can hurt the other person feelings
@@stephanielalaland4314 nobody can be expected to be perfect right away. it's a learning process. as long as you're willing to work on things and can recognise when you're in a healthy enough place to handle a relationship even though you aren't perfect, you are deserving of love and as much as your lover is willing to tolerate while you work on the rest. don't get put off by the apparent failures.
I feel the same that you feel now I am thinking not to be in a relationship I tried many things ways not helping it is so hard to manipulate good souls every time
That's great you could change it😊 and reassuring that it's possible. I think I was noticing I was doing things & not feeling great about them, but also not wanting to accept that it was my fault things kept going wrong in relationships. I think recently i was ready to accept that i needed to stop and change something but was struggling to work out how
@@beccijayne all my friends and family were pretty much gone so I didn’t learn until it was in my face. At some point you have look at yourself when the same things keep happening.
@Chris LarussoFrom301 recognizing a problem doesn't always meaning having a solution. Take my car for example, even if I have a general idea what's wrong with it that's cause it to perform a certain way, I often still need to consult a mechanic to find out how to fix it. And sometimes I can be dead wrong because the problem is counterintuitive. For example I recently took it in cause my heater wasn't blowing hot air. Turns out I had a coolant leak.
Yeah, no, I am absolutely this person. I also find it hard to stop. It's very hard to make friends, but the one or two I have are very special, patient people.
Keeping the score is my definite toxic trait, I think I do it because I have been used and mistreated in the past and I keep the score to ensure I am not being abandoned and in effect "monitor the health" of the relationship. Its a defence mechanism and I'm glad this video provided some insight to it
I have done this. However I still don’t think it’s inherently wrong to keep track of past behaviours during the relationship. You might be able to ignore or dismiss certain behaviours but if the same behaviour start to pile up more and more, these things should be noted and kept track of until it becomes ridiculous, hard to ignore and something to be concerned about.
Let me tell you about myself. As a teen, i was a completely different person. I used the person i loved for my oen joy and pleasure, manipulating, gaslighting, and guiltripping them. I did love them of course, but i had gone used to the power and getting what i want it didnt stop till they left. I live with the guilt that i caused a lot of shit and used someone that way. While i have changed and bettered as a person, that part of me i cant and possibly would never forget. Im trusted now by new friends both online and irl because i chose to change and better myself. They know what i was, but what matters is who i am now. I also help out as a mentor in a mental/ reaching out support group as I made a promise to the only person who supported me at one point that id use the negativity of my past gasligjting, guilt tripping and abuse to help others in situations like that i put my ex through. While not everyone in a way would accept me, all i can do is show and help others to prove to myself as well as others that i changed and improved. Whether they want to see or realize it, its on them.
I watched this video the night it came out because I was feeling like I was the toxic one in my relationship. I talked to my partner and apologized for my behavior and promised to work on myself and make things right. The next day he broke up with me. After talking to friends and family about our situation, they helped me realize that I was not the problem in the relationship. I’m not saying I didn’t contribute to the problems we had as a couple, but it wasn’t all my fault. He contributed to the problems too. He said he had to end things with me for his own mental health. And as much as I am feeling completely devastated and like my life has flipped upside down, I can still respect him for being up front about how he felt. Even if I don’t agree with his reasons for the breakup.
Yes, this is huge. It's not all your fault! I find if I become overly apologetic, then the blame all get shifted to me because it's like an admission of guilt. Always be assertive and check the facts.
Rather you were toxic or not...he shouldn't have broken up with you for that reason. If you would have said that to me...1st off I would have said NEVER apologize for that....and tell you to not stop being you....and then I'd prob ask to marry you..lol
I’ve done the same to a friend before and when I told them I needed to end things for my own mental health I knew it was bc I had my own things I was struggling with before we had become friends and we were very codependent on each other so I exasperated her issues as she did mine. We were both toxic in different ways and I needed to heal on my own for that reason. I dunno if that’s what your partner means by he needed to end things for his own mental health but if it is hopefully it’ll help give you perspective on the comment. It’s not that I was good and she was bad but rather we were bad together at that time
@@rebekahsileo3328 SAME.. I broke up with my boyfriend for the same reason... actually we used to have too many arguments and very frequently... and I felt I need to really work on myself before going into a relationship... this decision affected him badly tho... I don't know now if it was a right decision or not
I think it was the right thing, he put his health first as you should do before you pursue a relationship. One day you will fins someone who will accept your issues and learn to work with them with you.
The key for me is self-compassion. We can all be so hard on ourselves. I speak from many years of experience of being super hard on myself, often to the point of exhaustion and depression. I've been back in counseling for the past 6 months and am finally learning at 48 years old how to treat myself with kindness and compassion. Take time to recognize the good you are doing!
Thank you for this video! I recently decided to stop talking to my ex and I’ve been analyzing and asking myself if “I was the toxic one in the relationship”. I recognize my own negative traits but understand that our needs and wants are different and people grow apart.
I found this video because I’m really struggling. I’m in a five-year relationship, and I don’t think I started to really acknowledge what I was doing until about a year ago. I’ve done some CBT therapy. But I keep falling into these bad patterns where I don’t take my partners feelings into consideration. they are extremely tired of me promising to change and then not following up on it. It feels helpless and I don’t know what to do.
My ex ticked literally all of these boxes, and when we broke up he started stalking me and making death threats. But I know Ive also ticked some of these boxes at different points too. It's so liberating to finally be able to have stable boundaries and know that I'm in control of which situations I end up in. Go to therapy, do the work, it's so so worth it
I'm glad I came across this video. Although my relationship has ended , i still live with my Ex partner due too life situations, that hopefully sooner than later i can move on my own. With a child involved. I cant say im not to blame for some of the toxicity ,I'm receiving from the other end, cus it takes 2 too tangoe. But the constant disrespect among other things that i receive from the other end, for about 2 years now is just too much now. I can't believe i never saw this since the beginning, an things are just getting worse. Not just disrespect too myself but too our child aswell. No type of care in how many ways this will affect our child is given. It breaks my heart. Thanks for the video Katie 😔
I spent the weekend away and my partner and I both seem better on our own than together. I hope we just need time to work through our issues to be together, but I worry that we are just incompatible and we're delaying an inevitable breakup or resigning ourselves to "i guess this is all there is."
I resonate with your comment, this was me in my relationship. In a nut shell, we needed our relationship and it didn’t seem to work out afterwards, as just friends. I hope that maybe things do workout for you guys 🧡
currently realizing this in my relationship, I don't long for him when I'm not with him, but it's as if my body automatically processes that this persons "walked out" of my life and I need to move on. It makes me so confused within myself because he has showed in many ways that he's cared for me and supported me, yet I am the toxic one that's taking tabs on things he's done vs. things i've done, cycling back to toxic traits and leaving him in the dark unable to work through what i'm feeling with me, etc. I've acknowledged that I'm the toxic one but I don't know if our relationship is also just not the right fit?
I've been told I'm toxic and abusive by friends who left, but after watching this video, they were displaying a lot of the behaviors you mentioned and I was just trying to communicate, apologize, or talk (I'm autistic, so I communicate honestly and don't understand passive-aggressive stuff or societal cues well). One thing I noticed with some friends who recently left, was that they expected me to know they were mad and didn't tell me, I had to find out myself through a mutual friend because I was feeling bad for something and wanted to apologize. But they got even angrier when I apologized and when I explained how sorry I was, and that I was going to work on myself. They said I was being manipulative and abusive, but I was genuinely confused because I seriously just wanted to work things out with friends I really liked. So I believed them and thought I was a horrible toxic person, and I talked to my counselor and a few other friends after having a horrible meltdown that made me mute for a few days, and I stopped eating. My counselor and others said I really wasn't the toxic one, that I was gaslit and manipulated to believe I was. And I clicked on this video because months later I STILL worried I was the toxic one, but this brought me some peace. This helped me heal a little more. Thank you Kati.
I was in a marriage that was toxic almost from the start. I have often thought about my role in it. Looking back I think we were both completely wrong for each other, but I certainly wasn't the one who turned to domination and violence and I didn't put anyone in hospital. Yes i was boring, yes i was the one with less ambition and needy, but there is toxic and then there's TOXIC.
You are the greatest human ever Mrs Kati Morton. You inspire me to overcome my suicidal thoughts battles to overcome my Autism limitations and weaknesses and to win a Oscar Academy Award. I will turn 27 years old this May 15th in Jerusalem Israel and I use artificial intelligence and computer machine learning technology to daily save lives from car collisions at Mobileye Intel in Jerusalem Israel for my safe driving startup. The first openly autistic Oscar Academy Award winner was Mr David Byrne back in 1987, the founder of the rock band The Talking Heads.
JT Are the lockdowns or Medical Passport enforcement as bad as we are hearing here in the States over there in Israel? PEACE, LOVE and STRENGTH ......a better day is today and everyday after!!
You sound pretty amazing yourself Jonathan!! I am so glad my videos and insight have been helpful!!! Keep doing all the wonderful things you are doing :) xoxo And thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a kind comment. :)
I struggle to draw the line between recognising my own flaws/ improving myself and when it's not actually all me it's more on the other person. I end up being the one changing and trying to fix myself constantly because I always feel at fault. Or the opposite, I get so fed up with being the one doing that in a relationship, because they aren't helping to improve the situation that I stop trying and I put it all on them and get very irritated. How do you draw the line between improving a friendship by improving yourself and just "putting up with who they are" or ending it? (assuming the situation isn't so toxic that its causing me harm, its more just incompatible and starting to cause more stress and irritation than its worth). Do I need to learn to be more tolerable?
I struggle with a very similar problem, or have done in the past, and I think that you’re asking that last question is itself part of the issue. You’re trying to find how to fix yourself still. When really, it sounds like the best thing for you might be to work on being more patient and tolerant with yourself first, instead of thinking there’s some best/perfect version of you waiting in your future if you can just put in enough work. It’s not as productive as it sounds, and when you’re in the habit of constantly analyzing yourself for possible flaws, that can bleed into how you think of and interact with others. It also keeps you from being secure in your self-esteem, which can then lead to failure to communicate and enforce boundaries, as Katie talked about. You don’t have to change to suit someone else, ever. And you shouldn’t. Kindness (the genuine, unafraid sort) can’t be directed outward if it’s not also being directed inward. That’s something that took me a long time to realize. It’s fine to work on yourself, so long as you’re being gentle and accepting toward who you ARE along the way. No one is perfect, not you, not me, and we never will be and that’s okay. No really. It IS okay. Getting in the habit of saying that to myself when I mess up has really helped me start to feel it. I hope this helps you, and good luck! 🤗
Codependency is extremely problematic - I have been for 4 days on verge of suicide because my bf was depressed because he was very hurt by my actions. It's so hard for us or just me to be just individuals that are not so severely impacted by each other's moods
So I thought I would be triggered by this and was a little, but it helped me more than hurt I think. It's not over. I just need to address trauma & do things without expectations but also not be afraid to ask for help or time. Btw thanks Kati.
I really appreciate this video. Its helping me think clearly about some stuff happening with my gf. I'm trying very hard but...she never wants to compromise. I have to do all the leg work if there's a problem. And no matter how many times I ask for a favor, or want her to consider what I want or need, I find myself somehow not only working harder to make her happy but feeling less a part of the relationship and just a tool for her to use. We've been together for so long but sometimes I think I'm being played for a fool.
Unfortunately I have had many toxic relationships with therapists. I have huge abandonment issues, and when I get comfortable with a therapist and those feelings arise? The therapeutic relationship is ended. I do NOT overstep boundaries because I don't want to push people away. Transference happens, and they bolt.
Sometimes people want you to react a certain toxic way so they pull it out of you so they can continue to feel justified engaging in a certain behavior they do not wish to change in themselves. If you have an anxious attachment style you will feel drawn into the illusion of the avoidant attachment style's calm, cold, and aloof seemingly independent demeanor because they say just enough to make you think your empathy holds the key to melting their icy guarded self sufficient self supporting, hardened, embittered, "picked themselves up by the boot straps didn't ask for anyone's help or need to count on anyone for nothin" mentality. But it's a front. Everybody has had help and support from someone somewhere. So avoidant attachment people are already thinking about how to justify leaving the anxious attachment person before they have even met because avoidants don't feel the need to bother being authentic with an anxious overly caring person they see vulnerability as a weakness and turn off so they already have an escape route carved out before the first greeting is exchanged or before the first kiss. Also if you're from a family that made you feel like you were always the problem you'll always find partners who make you feel that way too until you get away from your family long enough and get into therapy long enough to see you came from a family system of dysfunction and find dysfunctional partners to be familiar to you. Until you learn that you're just a regular decent person like everyone else with your own unique set of strengths and imperfections and not some abhorrent Tasmanian devil monster wreaking needy desperate havoc and destruction on the innocent with all of your evil needs to be seen, heard, valued, and respected for you who are (heresy I say!), you will keep thinking "you're" the sole problem. But eventually if you gain enough autonomy over your life and prioritize mental wellness and distance yourself from the ones who labeled you as the problem you will observe one of three things. They carry on with their life just fine without you and go on to achieve great things for themselves. So you didn't "ruin" their life with your presence or absence. They're fine. You're not the problem. Just didn't work out. They stay the same as before they met you. You're not the problem. They are the way they are before they met you, while they knew you, and after you left. They're fine. You're not the problem. They get worse. Much worse. Their life descends into chaos and they blame you or even if they don't blame you but either way their life has become a flaming garbage dumpster fire of a mess after you leave. They had some underlying issues that has been suppressed and maybe being around you triggered or unearthed something buried deep down inside of them that they had failed to address earlier in your life. You're not the problem. I mean dang you're probably subscribed to multiple therapy channels if you follow this one trying to gain self awareness and value introspection. Unless you're out there embezzling companies and money laundering and chopping up human bodies and sticking them in your freezer or trying to run a country as an evil dictator and punching your kids in the face for getting distracted and running off getting lost in Target. Then ya maybe you're the problem.
To be honest, being from the other side of this question, I would like to say this is very helpful in understanding what the person who asked the question is also feeling/going through. I am the "used" one in most relationships, and learning how to set up boundaries in a good way without hurting the other person is a great help and perspective! I hope this helps a lot of us on both sides to understand each other better! 👍💯😎🤞
This is a constant issue that I have running through my head, specially on bad depression/anxiety days. I have a constant fear that I am like my abusive father and don't realize it. I am specially grateful for seeing this video right now because recently I reached out to a friend that seemed to suddenly drop me and asked them if I did something to upset them. They proceeded to give a lot of examples of what other people did and one example of something that I did. I apologized for what I did and offered what could be done to improve the situation and how we could work together on things but she just wouldn't stop focusing on the fact that I brought up most of the accusations weren't me and considered it to be dismissing her. I owned up to what I did that hurt her and tried to communicate and offer solutions on how it could be worked on but... nothing. I fell into a deep deep depression and the thought of "I am a horrible person. I am so toxic, etc etc etc" was non stop playing in my head. This video helped me calm down a little bit about that and helped reassure me that I did do the right thing in reaching out and apologizing after months of being ignored and that I wasn't horrible for making a mistake.
Just want to say, I understand, and I relate. I am sure you are doing the best you can to keep improving and being self-aware little by little and sure, we all have bad or off days, but we have to be compassionate to ourselves in those moments as well
I had something similar happen, and I relate so much. A group of friends just dropped me after verbally abusing me for even attempting to apologize, and I fell into a cycle of the same feelings. I started hating myself, but I realized over time that anyone who acts like that in response to an apology has very toxic traits themselves, and it says more about them than it does you, who made the attempt to apologize and be a good person. You are a good person for wanting to make things right
The thing is, in my first relationship I was the toxic one.. but looking back on it I realized I didn't want to be like that anymore.. so I told myself I would be a better gf for the next person.. but it totally went the other way.. so I attracted the wrong person and ended up in a relationship with a narcissistic person.. I didn't have any boundaries and became a doormat so to speak.. Now that I'm safely out of that relationship, I'm really looking for a middle ground.. I'm currently not in a dating mood, I rather stay single now xD
I just ended a short but very intense relationship and am filled with guilt and shame, partly because of my bpd. I talked to my sister about how I feel shame for finally dropping everything and just *leaving* my ex's apartment after she gave me the silent, passive-aggressive treatment in the morning after a big fight, playing a 'if you really love me show me im not gonna try anymore/youre gonna regret leaving me' song on her phone on repeat for 15 minutes. I think it is so easy to beat ourselves up about the bad things that we have done instead of the bad things others have done to us (e.g., once, I talked to my ex about my intimacy insecurities, saying 'hey if you're mad at me and need a second to think about everything I can leave'. then my ex screamed at me 'think smarter, shut up', threw up, and had a massive panic attack after). talking to my therapist, sister, and friends about what happened and receiving reassurance really went a long way. the word toxic is a really frightening one and the possibility of actually being toxic is even scarier. thank you for this video
Kati I think your work is so important for people with BPD. I speak for myself but you often put into words how I would like to explain this disorder. About one year after finishing therapy for BPD, it hit me like a truck -> I'vey been the one engaging toxic behaviours in my romantic relationships and I also been depending on my closest ones to cover for me on the basic levels of adulting. (Almost 35 ans still relying on my mother to help pay the rent because I can't keep a job for example). It's been the most painful truth I've had to face since my diagnosis. The pain I caused around me. The accusations I've been making while I was the one not taking charge. I was so ungrateful. It's like I was begging for help on one hand and criticizing the "quality" of the help on the other one. I felt like a monster. I knew that I couldn't live the rest of my life in the culpability pit and that the best way to free myself and my loved ones of the pain caused by my "disability" was to take action and handle myself. It was so hurtful to realize but it was exactly what I needed to have the big breakthrough I've had. Today is not perfect but there is not a day I don't express how grateful I am to my closest one and I take the time to make amends with some people from my past I know who could use at least some explanation around my behaviours. It is not about making excuses for myself, but it's a way for me to tell the other one that they were NOT the problem like I may have made them feel and that there was an explanation behind my complicated behaviours. I still struggle to take care of myself as I try to "re-parent" myself. I've had put great things in place just before the pandemic and I've lost most of it. Now it's a matter of living in the moment and keep sanity in a simple routine, Which I think is difficult for anyone who lives alone right now. The good thing is spring is finally here in Canada so I can spend some time in the sun! Sorry for the big text... I had to get it out apparently, haha. Thank you so much for all that you do. 🙌
I hope my ex wife can realize this. I did my best and 12 years ain’t bad for a relationship that began at 16. She went to a shrink and came back mad. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she said the doctor just wanted to label her crazy so he could drug her because he didn’t like her. I said sure dear and then she went wild. I still love her so much. I contributed to the problems, too. I was an idiot boy for sure. I hope she’s ok
I think i have difficulty communicating anything negative because the people that behave in a way that bothers me the most are in a position of power. The person that bothers me the most likes to threaten with that power at the slightest of conflict to the point I feel like I cant let him know who I really am.
I've watched myself become more and more toxic over the years and it's so painful! 😖(especially because we raise 4 beautiful children together). I almost can't recognise myself anymore. I can't escape the relationship because I don't believe in quitting a marriage- but I also can't escape the negative effect my husbands passivity has on me... It's incredibly frustrating! The last thing I want is to shut him out of my heart and treat him as a roommate and work-buddy, but I also can't handle the absolute heartbreak of being ignored, overlooked and used for pleasure on his terms anymore... I'm broken down from trying to win his heart- I just can't anymore... It's been gradually decending into this for the past 5 years or so.. I know that I have to retreat emotionally for awhile, but It's the hardest thing to do and I'm so scared where it will take us... I never in my life imagined that it could be this painful to love someone... So complicated!... I find myself feeling resentment towards him when he ignorantly feels good about himself because it was always on my expense.... I spend 60% of my life caring about his needs, planning ahead, keeping the house, the kids the everything.. So he enjoys himself- but fails to throw a breadcrumb to the slave at his side, busting her ass to make everything happen..... I've not hidden my feelings from him either- I communicate and expose my vulnerability.. At the bottom its because I miss him! ... But it changes nothing.. I'm not even asking for much - can we just sit down at night and chat over a glass of wine to talk? Can you just greet me warmly in the morning like I actually matter to you and help me when you see I need it without having to ask for directions? He is very egotistical, but he doesn't do it on purpose- which is almost the worst thing about this.. I know he loves me - I know he's upset about his own lacks - but it leads to nowhere, anyway so what use is it? To say "I'm sorry" and really mean it.. Then 2 days later everything is back to normal is just almost too much... I had to get that out... Moving on now with my day. Thank you Katie for being here.. I really mean that.. I have no doubt your videos help so many people..❤🤗
Also, relationship OCD is still very unknown and misdiagnosed. The toxicity might be rOCD features if the other person suffers from OCD. People can go to couples therapy to deal with this for years (speaking from experience) when they should be seeking a OCD specialist. Of course, the non-OCD person needs to educate themselves as well so they know what is going on and what to do.
It's great to see this topic, the algorithm has been pushing me all this content about toxic people recently and it just makes me feel more and more alienated because I know I'm the one behaving in that way, and it feels like all the life coaches on YT are judging me harshly
Being honest & a truth speaker in my abusive family just gets the situation flipped. I’m then called an abuser and shunned no matter what kind of abuse I’ve lived through at their hands... whether it be abandonment, emotional abuse, physical abuse or childhood sexual abuse. According to my abusers, I am the one with issues. They take absolutely no responsibility.
PLEASEEEEE make a video about Dissociative Identity Disorder. I’ve been hoping over the years that you might but you haven’t yet so I figured I should ask. 😅 I really hope you’ll consider making one for DID because I really appreciate the way you break things down and elaborate on stuff. I also can actually HEAR what you say, I mean truly hear and understand and remember what you’re saying. My CPTSD causes me to have problems really hearing men speak. I tend to dissociate when they speak but your voice is very clear in my ears and it makes me happy to be able to actually hear you.
When you realise your mom is the toxic one and she has passed toxic traits onto you. Although one thing that was pointed out growing up - if I’d had a normal mother without the mental health issues and drama and toxicity I’d have grown up to be a very well liked and well respected person and everyone says because I spent 19 years living in a toxic home I learnt toxic behaviour and felt this was normal. I am trying to learn to calm and stop my toxic traits so people can see me for the person I am but I also must be careful that people do not see me as “weak” because I’m a very nice easy going person.
Thank You for the video. I have realised this. I had been very toxic in my relationship. And therapy isn't accessible . Your video gives an insight that I can work on.
When your have adhd or autistic it’s hard because it probably is you that’s brining the stress. But you just can’t help it. Feeling negative emotions so strong it dictates how you behave sometimes. Let’s also not forget lots of people that you have in your life are not great people either. Your boss will be trying to exploit you everyday if he is like mine. That’s a stressful relationship I could do without
I'm bipolar, and I'm constantly being ditched as soon as my symptoms come out because I can't suppress it anymore. So I've started to tell people right out of the door that I have these problems, so if they think it's too much, I won't form a real bond. It has made it hard for me to trust new people.
People who have mental disorders but have yet, to realize they are suffering from one will tend to act out in unproductive fashions. Like being 'toxic', similarly to how someone can act 'crazy' when they do not know they have anxiety issues. So calling them toxic or crazy, will make it to where they do not want to seek help. And if they are depressed, which they probably are because Anxiety and Depression go hand in hand. Cutting off contact might make their symptoms worse. Thus making the mental health stigma worse. Counseling should be for those who are suffering from their own personal hell and not just their cry-baby victims.
I feel like I’ve been in so many abusive relationships and now that I’m in my first semblance of a healthy relationship I don’t know anything else besides toxicity and catch myself being manipulative like my narcissistic ex’s used to be to me. I hate myself for it and don’t know what’s wrong with me.. I’m so traumatized and I don’t want to continue the cycle but I just self destruct and sabotage all of my relationships;(
Watching this I realize I've had a lot of toxic traits in my past relationships and even now I catch myself doing some things by accident. But I also see the growth I've made and how I keep trying to improve myself so I can be a better person towards others.
Ahh great topic, this question eats at me A LOT. I have bad anxiety and it has already caused me two friendships. They didn’t want to deal with me anymore, so I constantly wonder if my struggling with mental health is causing me to be a toxic friend, and if I’ll ever have a friend who can stay with me through the times where it’s bad :( It hasn’t been bad for a few months thankfully but I’m not looking forward to the next time it acts up you know?
I know I'm the toxic person but still in denial halfway. I just ruined my marriage and friendship I had for 15 years. Cheating and being disrespectul and being sneaky. Think after I cheated once that just destroyed both you us. Destroyed me in a way where I looked at cheating as being okay. But I'm starting therapy November 2021. I'm probably doing 6 months my mental state is destroyed. I'm just tried of apologize because it's embarrassing now. Wish me luck on this scary new journey.
What happens when you've tried all that but don't have the option of cutting the toxic people off? How do I do this when a massive part of my life is completely dependent on these toxic people?
Do you ever find yourself getting upset over things that you know you shouldn’t be upset about? Like your loved ones being too busy to talk to you? I feel like such not supportive partner or is it a red flag?
1. Clarity is Power! 2. Become them! 3. Write a love letter from them to you! 4. Backdate the letter for you 5. one day you receive the letter - Allow your emoptions to amplify Observe, say yes! Be present! When you get an invitation, say yes!
I had lost a person over being toxic after YEARS of having abusive and toxic people use me for my people pleasing. I'm now diganosed with BPD, out of my abusive household, going to lots of therapy and I cat overly kind now because I realized I hurt someone I loved deeply. I am trying to forgive myself because they left since there was too many me problems and their mental health suffered. I miss them and wish I could reach out and rebind with them but they build solid fortresses when hurt. I wish I did someting different but now im taking the L and never doing that again.
What do you do when it's not so much that you are keeping score of what you did for them vs. what they did for you. It's more that you are glad to do what you can for them but when they hesitate to gladly do what they can for you it makes you feel sort of betrayed. Example: you have been helping them when they need money for months but when they say they are getting rid of a knick-knack and you say you want it, they say it will cost you $20
With that example it would have been fine if they had said no(I mean I would have asked why but it is up to them in the end). I just wasn't ok with having given them much more than that recently only for them to turn around and basically tell me I should have given them 20$ less so I could buy a thing from them now. It felt like a gut punch.
I know we were both so bad for each other but I'm still so angry they never listened when I pointed it out. I kept saying I know I wouldn't make her happy and she even admitted she didn't want to let go. I feel terrible bc that trapped feeling made me lash out with words a lot. It keeps haunting me, I can't seem to forgive either of us.
I am a toxic person, and i am trying to accept that , I hurt my parents along with my siblings, i fear that I will lose them due to my awkward behaviour in school and my struggles to make friends, I put all my frustrations and anger issues on my family . I want to change myself to stop my toxic behaviour to rebuild my relationships with my family. I would be okay with comments under this comment. Btw I am a 16 year old
Currently can’t tell if me or my friend are the toxic one (probably both) and it’s really hard to draw the line between if this is just something recent that started or if it’s been years ago. Being in a pandemic really creates that shared stress that amplifies issues ugh
In my best attempt of being self-aware I only identify with the point of being passive aggressive in this video. I’ve always had this problem and it’s something I hope to really improve with my own therapist. With that being said, the specific person I have in mind it’s extra hard to communicate with them because they are already very mentally unwell. I don’t want to be another hurtful thing in there life even tho they are harmful to me. I’m scared they would do something extreme which is probably a toxic situation to be in on it’s own but it’s still real and scary.
I also want to say: couples therapy! It's useful even if you think one person is causing most of the problems and especially if that person is you. I started it with my partner because I realized my anxiety was causing problems for us both, but having him in the room with the therapist and me really helped him understand what I was trying to work on, and helped me understand what he wasn't understanding about it. I think he ended up needing to do about fifteen percent of the work but just getting clarity on what that fifteen percent of it was made both of our lives so much better. It's never completely one sided and if you're causing problems but willing to work on them, giving your loved one a space to learn how to help you help yourself will help both of you.
I’m excited to watch all I’ve missed because this will help me have a stronger healthier with the people I love. It’s tough to hear the truth and admitting that yes I do those things and yes I have to better myself and how I react.
wow kati. i love your videos, and I've watched them for a while. i just had to pause this one & comment on how beautifully said this is. you truly worded this in a way that does not attack, nor very triggering (imo at least). like, it's so carefully worded & crafted in a way that, while it may make the viewer a little uncomfortable (bc introspection can be very uncomfortable for everyone at some point or another), it still poses the topic in a way that can be received incredibly well for probably wide range of people (if not MOST!). i appreciate you so much you've helped me & I'm sure so many others more than you'll probably ever know. tytyty!!
the questions has described the way i have felt to a tee and it the exact way i would have worded it. i mostly ruined a wonderful 2yr relationship with my loving gf now ex and i hate myself everyday for it. i dont rly need to be consoled i just wish she knew how sorry i am for the way i exhausted her, and just felt like putting this out there but i dont want pitty or to guilt trip people into making me feel better which inadvertently makes me feel like and sound like i am
after a fight with my parents rethinking it, i might be super toxic correlating it with my past i tend to be more toxic now I genuinely think i should do better
I've asked that question or the equivalent. It's difficult to say I hope you don't think I'm no good just like so many other people have done. It's becoming a statistically significant metric.
I was never ever toxic before. Quite the opposite, I used to be a people pleaser. But lately because of some events I began to change. I even became extremely revengeful. I don't wanna be this way but I feel like I have no choice because I gotta DEFEND MYSELF. I'm never mean for no reason. It's a reaction when others try to attack me. I'm simply trying my best to survive in a world full of sharks.... :( but I realised it's taking A LOT out of my time and energy....
You are not alone. I relate to your post 100%. I recently broke up with a covert female narcissist. She would bait me into getting angry with insults and my outbursts were reactive abuse toward her. I feel incredibly bad for my ugly responses. Everyday I hate myself for those moments of verbally attacking her. I realize now she is emotionally immature and she doesn't know the psychological damage she was creating. 7 weeks ago she discarded me for an outburst, and I feel disappointed with myself. I promised her I would treat her better because I can't control her behavior, I can only control mine. Knowing I lost the love of my life with toxicity is very unsettling. I know I can't take all the blame but I should of been more aware of how I control my emotions, especially towards someone I claim to love. This has happened in the past with others, but now I'm forced to look at myself and make the changes necessary.
I became the toxic one after I asked this guy a question, he deflected, and told me he could just leave after he had impregnated me and I was hormonal obviously. I called him out and told him that a man owns up to their bullshyt and apologizes and I also told him my brother has reached out to me to ask for advice in his relationship and even he took the steps to mend things and be better. My brother is younger than both of us so I think that stung for him. I wasn’t trying to hurt, more so set the example of better steps that can be taken. Anyway next day he brought me chocolates and a balloon but he never even apologized. After that he also didn’t allow me to express myself emotionally because I was still on that… someone who actually cares apologizes. I knew I couldn’t force him to do what he didn’t want to do. So I became more and more resentful because I wanted the best for my daughter and tried working things out without ever receiving an apology. If I even brought things up I would call him out on stuff he would do that was literally just like my abusive father who puts ppl down to make himself feel better, he was rude, he would speak negatively about everything and never be grateful when he’s from a asylum country living in the US. And even speak shyt about the US. Then when I had my baby, I’m literally trying to keep it together emotionally and this uy starts crying when literally so many times he had already put me down for expressing my emotions. He would stay home with me and not help me in a smart way. Like you know I take care of baby while you sleep. No he was tired so I would tell him just sleep and once you’ve slept, I will finally feel safe allowing you to take care of her while I’m resting. This was because while he would be taking care of her, he would be falling asleep with her in his arms and I would legit have to always yell at him to wake up. The guy didn’t understand basic stuff like that and just admit that I was right. For the safety of my daughter I would have to be awake for 72 hours sometimes when she was a newborn because he wasn’t helping me truly. He honestly was the least smart guy I have ever been with. He also brought his sister and family at one point and they were always talking about me. I stonewalled the guy even in front of them because I was tired of his Bs and I also noticed that this was the only relationship where I could notice myself being emotionally manipulative. I realized it was because he is emotionally manipulative which isn’t a reason to be but it made me realize Christian’s are right about soul ties and energy transfers. So you really have to know who you are to understand what’s yours and what’s not
YUP! My younger sibling in a nutshell! He ALWAYS kept score on things I’ve done in the past and brought it up in FUTURE conversations to use it against me! This is why ot sucks living with siblings too long when I should’ve moved out years ago
Thanks for sharing. Sometimes, I do feel like I am the only one. I feel like "I just fit in". Mainly with my family & even with a few friends. (Don't have many anyway). Maybe I'm just a loner...
I have to say and have learned to be my authentic self... sometimes my temperament doesn't fit well with others. I am really not here for approval! If someone feels like I am toxic I invite them to explore relationships where they feel more comfortable! Peace!
I'm 100% lost. I don't know if I'm toxic or my gf is, I don't know if I love her or not, I don't know if she loves me or not! I'm just lost! I can't share my feelings with her, because I know it will cause an endless fight. I wish I could just know:( Ps: your videos helped me a lot with my anxiety disorder, thank you so much.
There is no relationship, whether amicable or amorous. There is no possibility of me being toxic to anybody. Nobody even knows me. It takes interaction to be toxic. That is something that does not hinder me.
I've taken responsibility for my own faults. The worst thing that happened to me is that a person used my shortcomings and struggles against me and would convince other people that I'm the crazy one and that I'm the problem. While he is the true narcissist and manipulator. He wants tried to convince me that something didn't happen. But I know actually happened. and confronted him many times and our relationship and he'd always shoot me down and make me feel like I'm the crazy one. And even get other people involved in it. And no one would believe me because of my other past shortcomings of either having been drinking too much or something of that nature. I've come a long way now. And I don't have anything to do with those people anymore.
I'm one of those who expects others to read my mind, and unfortunately, I don't know how to change it. Having to explain myself is just so upsetting, all that communication so painful and exhausting. Why would I want social interaction that is upsetting, painful and exhausting over and over again? Of that's all there is to relationships, why would you want people in your life?
I knew a therapist who frequently asked: "Have you told them? Out loud, with words, or just strong thoughts in your head?" Maybe a starting point could be saying things out loud by yourself, with nobody else around. Even alone, saying things aloud is very different from just thinking them. It makes them real, and at the same time robs them of their power. They become real but also manageable. It could be a stepping stone towards eventually telling other people. I do not see how you can have a meaningful relationship without communication.
@@meej33 Well I can dissociate at all the things, thinking about it, saying it out loud and talking to the person. I do say things to people, but my memory is patchy. I don't understand this sentiment of saying things to make it real and then it not having power. Like, c'mon, if things make me dissociate or let me have a violent meltdown then clearly they do have power.
I prefer the mantra that we need to be able to meet our own needs independent of our partners before we can have a healthy relationship. I don’t think we need to love ourselves first (many people struggle with this). We just can’t go looking for someone else to fill a hole.
Do you think it’s necessary to communicate our problems with toxic behaviors before leaving a relationship? Should you give them a chance to change or is it okay it decide you think you know what would happen and just leave?
I had C-PTSD from childhood I know I was anything but easy to live with Was told by my wife I was all the trouble and maybe I was But I also think maybe we are just bad together we both get under each other skin Reason I think this ..she never looks for help or wants any
I am so sorry you have gone through so much trauma in your life, and you could definitely be right, that you just don't work well together. Sometimes it's just a bad recipe :( xoxo
I can relate to this so so so much!!! I also have CPTSD and had generalised anxiety when I was dating my ex. It was a horrible mix because he wasn’t ‘good’ at looking after himself. He would go into unarranged overdraft, drink every night, not clean his clothes or shoes properly, not go to the doctors or dentist, not do his share of the chores. His favourite coping strategy was avoidance. Which would make me feel anxious and towards the end I felt like his mum. When I got in this relationship I was in a psych ward for psychosis and I didn’t know him too well but he came to visit me every single day. Which I now see as a bit creepy honestly because I was so vulnerable. I am in such a better position in life now but I beat myself up for the longest time for being in a relationship that didn’t make sense to the people around me. I could feel people judging me and most of all me judging me. I still feel embarrassed about it. I am going to book some therapy to work through it because typing this out has actually made me realise there is so so so much to unpack. I really value relationships and romance too and being a warm loving person and I regret that I wasn’t that I felt clingy, cold and nagging. I wanted to leave for so long but I was so ill, I couldn’t work, insecure housing, emotional roller coasters and he was a big comfort. Basically I hate who I was in that relationship and in the future I will look for someone that is easy for me to love and brings out a version of myself that I like. My ex was like your ex in that they didn’t want help and as someone finding so much relief in mental health treatment and also recognising so many symptoms in my partner I really wanted to get them to get help. Which could of come off as controlling and unhelpful. It was a match made in hell but I learned so much that it was really valuable. I am weary that this probably paints me and my ex in a horrible light but my ex isn’t a bad person he was kind and patient and loving and creative. He just had shit that I couldn’t deal with and I didn’t realise (thanks psychosis) until I was balls deep into a relationship, emotionally attached, LIVING TOGETHER! At a time in my life where I was permanently in fight or flight mode, confused af with no support system. We were 20 (me) and 23 (him). I’m trying to forgive myself and move on now. I hope you’re able to do the same! Please excuse the mad overshare! I literally never talk about this because it’s embarrassing to me, so I feel like I can’t stop now!
Let’s put aside if you were toxic or not for a second, you’re here reflecting on your behaviour and acknowledging the things you did wrong. You have empathy and I’m assuming that you’re willing to change, that shows growth and maturity. A truly toxic person doesn’t feel remorse and often doesn’t acknowledge that there is a problem. We all make mistakes and display behaviours we’re not proud of but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a toxic person. Maybe you just have some growth to under go.
Agreed!! If we are even worried about it that means we can work to be better in our relationships and change some behaviors where needed :) xoxo
🙌🙌
ok but can we talk about ariola granola
I needed this
@Jordon Carlson look at OP’s name lmao
More mental health issues should be discussed from the point of view of the attacker. There is tons of resources for victims, but nothing will change until we can recover attackers.
This is so true!! There is no where for abusive people to turn, to get help and learn to get better.
@@iz7975 I agree, it hurts lot when you really want to change but don't know where to start. you feel like doomed when your own mind is a mess
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Truw
Because EVERYONE see themselves as the victim
I remember that one year when I was the toxic person in a friendship but I couldn't find help anywhere. It was like toxic people should just stop exist or go and die in a ditch (yes, someone said so, and I actually thought back then that this woud be the only way to stop being toxic because no one said that there could be another solution.).
I remember not too long ago I asked a therapy tiktokker why it seemed like therapists always seem to offer tips and advice for the victims of toxic people and not the toxic people themselves cause that seems like it would be equally helpful. She reminded me of a really important saying. "Hurt people, hurt people". So if you find yourself acting toxic, as I often do, it's time to ask yourself what trauma YOUVE experienced that has led to that aladaptive behavior.
Very nice. Thank you for this reminder
UA-cam algorithm is coming after me today lol
You and me both.
It chose to drag me too
I hear ya! Came after me as well lol
lol!
Same.
I think "keeping score" is the response to feeling un-heard or feeling like you need to prove why you feel how the way you do because the other person wouldn't believe you when you told them. If one person is keeping score then both people are probably being toxic.
I think I agree with this. Sometimes people will gaslight you so you don't know if you're actually going crazy. Keeping score can be a defense mechanism, but it is a pretty toxic one.
I had a similar realization and I believe that is my current reality.
omg yes i agree with this so much
If you were to ask me, yes, i am toxic.
The fact that i accept my own humanity and mistakes is a step forward to improvement. Most of the toxic people are not open to improve, even if they're aware of their own toxicity.
I always worry about this. If I catch myself saying something that is manipulative in some way I freak out! My guy is such an amazing person and does his best to understand me and what goes on with me. He really doesn't deserve to be manipulated or treated badly at all. I always worry that I am toxic for him and don't realise it.
Yeah, I feel the same way about my girlfriend. I worry I cross boundaries all the time, and I don’t want to mess up because she’s so sweet and nice. It’s both of our first times in a relationship and I also have doubts about myself sometimes - did I do that right? Should I have done that? - but I don’t want to guilt trip her or anything like that. I think to myself she deserves someone better than me, and feel like I’m not good enough even though she is caring and loving to me and I feel bad that I do that. I’m working on getting better though, and this video definitely helped me.
I’m the toxic one in the relationship and I tried to be a good partner but sometimes I can be a horrible person, sometimes I feel like it’s better to be alone, honestly, then I don’t have to always feel guilty when I catch myself doing something/saying that can hurt the other person feelings
@@stephanielalaland4314 nobody can be expected to be perfect right away. it's a learning process. as long as you're willing to work on things and can recognise when you're in a healthy enough place to handle a relationship even though you aren't perfect, you are deserving of love and as much as your lover is willing to tolerate while you work on the rest. don't get put off by the apparent failures.
@@stephanielalaland4314 did u recover ?
I feel the same that you feel now I am thinking not to be in a relationship I tried many things ways not helping it is so hard to manipulate good souls every time
If we tell them what is bothering us , they will say “ I can never do anything right “
EXACTLY, it gets so annoying
Maybe they were a scapegoat, when they were younger...
YUP! My younger sibling in a nutshell! ALWAYS the victim!
I get this a lot! I just expect too much and will never be satisfied.
I was that toxic person at one time but once I realized who I was that was major. That’s interesting that that person is so self aware but can’t stop.
I am so glad you were able to realize who you were and change it!! xoxo
@@Katimorton thanks Kati ☺️
That's great you could change it😊 and reassuring that it's possible.
I think I was noticing I was doing things & not feeling great about them, but also not wanting to accept that it was my fault things kept going wrong in relationships. I think recently i was ready to accept that i needed to stop and change something but was struggling to work out how
@@beccijayne all my friends and family were pretty much gone so I didn’t learn until it was in my face. At some point you have look at yourself when the same things keep happening.
@Chris LarussoFrom301 recognizing a problem doesn't always meaning having a solution. Take my car for example, even if I have a general idea what's wrong with it that's cause it to perform a certain way, I often still need to consult a mechanic to find out how to fix it. And sometimes I can be dead wrong because the problem is counterintuitive. For example I recently took it in cause my heater wasn't blowing hot air. Turns out I had a coolant leak.
Yeah, no, I am absolutely this person. I also find it hard to stop. It's very hard to make friends, but the one or two I have are very special, patient people.
Same here I know I'm toxic but don't want to agree. Just ruined a 15 year relationship and I don't I can save
Keeping the score is my definite toxic trait, I think I do it because I have been used and mistreated in the past and I keep the score to ensure I am not being abandoned and in effect "monitor the health" of the relationship. Its a defence mechanism and I'm glad this video provided some insight to it
I have done this. However I still don’t think it’s inherently wrong to keep track of past behaviours during the relationship. You might be able to ignore or dismiss certain behaviours but if the same behaviour start to pile up more and more, these things should be noted and kept track of until it becomes ridiculous, hard to ignore and something to be concerned about.
Let me tell you about myself. As a teen, i was a completely different person. I used the person i loved for my oen joy and pleasure, manipulating, gaslighting, and guiltripping them. I did love them of course, but i had gone used to the power and getting what i want it didnt stop till they left. I live with the guilt that i caused a lot of shit and used someone that way. While i have changed and bettered as a person, that part of me i cant and possibly would never forget. Im trusted now by new friends both online and irl because i chose to change and better myself. They know what i was, but what matters is who i am now. I also help out as a mentor in a mental/ reaching out support group as I made a promise to the only person who supported me at one point that id use the negativity of my past gasligjting, guilt tripping and abuse to help others in situations like that i put my ex through. While not everyone in a way would accept me, all i can do is show and help others to prove to myself as well as others that i changed and improved. Whether they want to see or realize it, its on them.
I watched this video the night it came out because I was feeling like I was the toxic one in my relationship. I talked to my partner and apologized for my behavior and promised to work on myself and make things right. The next day he broke up with me. After talking to friends and family about our situation, they helped me realize that I was not the problem in the relationship. I’m not saying I didn’t contribute to the problems we had as a couple, but it wasn’t all my fault. He contributed to the problems too. He said he had to end things with me for his own mental health. And as much as I am feeling completely devastated and like my life has flipped upside down, I can still respect him for being up front about how he felt. Even if I don’t agree with his reasons for the breakup.
Yes, this is huge. It's not all your fault! I find if I become overly apologetic, then the blame all get shifted to me because it's like an admission of guilt. Always be assertive and check the facts.
Rather you were toxic or not...he shouldn't have broken up with you for that reason. If you would have said that to me...1st off I would have said NEVER apologize for that....and tell you to not stop being you....and then I'd prob ask to marry you..lol
I’ve done the same to a friend before and when I told them I needed to end things for my own mental health I knew it was bc I had my own things I was struggling with before we had become friends and we were very codependent on each other so I exasperated her issues as she did mine. We were both toxic in different ways and I needed to heal on my own for that reason. I dunno if that’s what your partner means by he needed to end things for his own mental health but if it is hopefully it’ll help give you perspective on the comment. It’s not that I was good and she was bad but rather we were bad together at that time
@@rebekahsileo3328 SAME.. I broke up with my boyfriend for the same reason... actually we used to have too many arguments and very frequently... and I felt I need to really work on myself before going into a relationship... this decision affected him badly tho... I don't know now if it was a right decision or not
I think it was the right thing, he put his health first as you should do before you pursue a relationship. One day you will fins someone who will accept your issues and learn to work with them with you.
The key for me is self-compassion. We can all be so hard on ourselves. I speak from many years of experience of being super hard on myself, often to the point of exhaustion and depression. I've been back in counseling for the past 6 months and am finally learning at 48 years old how to treat myself with kindness and compassion. Take time to recognize the good you are doing!
thank you for writing this. I sincerely hope you are doing well today
Thank you for this video! I recently decided to stop talking to my ex and I’ve been analyzing and asking myself if “I was the toxic one in the relationship”. I recognize my own negative traits but understand that our needs and wants are different and people grow apart.
I found this video because I’m really struggling. I’m in a five-year relationship, and I don’t think I started to really acknowledge what I was doing until about a year ago. I’ve done some CBT therapy. But I keep falling into these bad patterns where I don’t take my partners feelings into consideration. they are extremely tired of me promising to change and then not following up on it. It feels helpless and I don’t know what to do.
you might benefit from taking a break and focusing on the therapy. hope you are doing better from when you wrote this comment
My ex ticked literally all of these boxes, and when we broke up he started stalking me and making death threats. But I know Ive also ticked some of these boxes at different points too. It's so liberating to finally be able to have stable boundaries and know that I'm in control of which situations I end up in. Go to therapy, do the work, it's so so worth it
My ex told me to go to therapy and she diagnosed me with nothing but anxiety and he checks all of these traits in the video 😅
I'm glad I came across this video. Although my relationship has ended , i still live with my Ex partner due too life situations, that hopefully sooner than later i can move on my own. With a child involved. I cant say im not to blame for some of the toxicity ,I'm receiving from the other end, cus it takes 2 too tangoe. But the constant disrespect among other things that i receive from the other end, for about 2 years now is just too much now. I can't believe i never saw this since the beginning, an things are just getting worse. Not just disrespect too myself but too our child aswell. No type of care in how many ways this will affect our child is given. It breaks my heart. Thanks for the video Katie 😔
I spent the weekend away and my partner and I both seem better on our own than together. I hope we just need time to work through our issues to be together, but I worry that we are just incompatible and we're delaying an inevitable breakup or resigning ourselves to "i guess this is all there is."
I resonate with your comment, this was me in my relationship. In a nut shell, we needed our relationship and it didn’t seem to work out afterwards, as just friends. I hope that maybe things do workout for you guys 🧡
currently realizing this in my relationship, I don't long for him when I'm not with him, but it's as if my body automatically processes that this persons "walked out" of my life and I need to move on. It makes me so confused within myself because he has showed in many ways that he's cared for me and supported me, yet I am the toxic one that's taking tabs on things he's done vs. things i've done, cycling back to toxic traits and leaving him in the dark unable to work through what i'm feeling with me, etc. I've acknowledged that I'm the toxic one but I don't know if our relationship is also just not the right fit?
I've been told I'm toxic and abusive by friends who left, but after watching this video, they were displaying a lot of the behaviors you mentioned and I was just trying to communicate, apologize, or talk (I'm autistic, so I communicate honestly and don't understand passive-aggressive stuff or societal cues well). One thing I noticed with some friends who recently left, was that they expected me to know they were mad and didn't tell me, I had to find out myself through a mutual friend because I was feeling bad for something and wanted to apologize. But they got even angrier when I apologized and when I explained how sorry I was, and that I was going to work on myself. They said I was being manipulative and abusive, but I was genuinely confused because I seriously just wanted to work things out with friends I really liked. So I believed them and thought I was a horrible toxic person, and I talked to my counselor and a few other friends after having a horrible meltdown that made me mute for a few days, and I stopped eating. My counselor and others said I really wasn't the toxic one, that I was gaslit and manipulated to believe I was. And I clicked on this video because months later I STILL worried I was the toxic one, but this brought me some peace. This helped me heal a little more. Thank you Kati.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You deserve good friends who won't treat you bad.
I was in a marriage that was toxic almost from the start. I have often thought about my role in it. Looking back I think we were both completely wrong for each other, but I certainly wasn't the one who turned to domination and violence and I didn't put anyone in hospital. Yes i was boring, yes i was the one with less ambition and needy, but there is toxic and then there's TOXIC.
You are the greatest human ever Mrs Kati Morton. You inspire me to overcome my suicidal thoughts battles to overcome my Autism limitations and weaknesses and to win a Oscar Academy Award. I will turn 27 years old this May 15th in Jerusalem Israel and I use artificial intelligence and computer machine learning technology to daily save lives from car collisions at Mobileye Intel in Jerusalem Israel for my safe driving startup. The first openly autistic Oscar Academy Award winner was Mr David Byrne back in 1987, the founder of the rock band The Talking Heads.
JT
Are the lockdowns or Medical Passport enforcement as bad as we are hearing here in the States over there in Israel?
PEACE, LOVE and STRENGTH
......a better day is today and everyday after!!
You sound fascinating!
You sound pretty amazing yourself Jonathan!! I am so glad my videos and insight have been helpful!!! Keep doing all the wonderful things you are doing :) xoxo And thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a kind comment. :)
I struggle to draw the line between recognising my own flaws/ improving myself and when it's not actually all me it's more on the other person.
I end up being the one changing and trying to fix myself constantly because I always feel at fault. Or the opposite, I get so fed up with being the one doing that in a relationship, because they aren't helping to improve the situation that I stop trying and I put it all on them and get very irritated.
How do you draw the line between improving a friendship by improving yourself and just "putting up with who they are" or ending it? (assuming the situation isn't so toxic that its causing me harm, its more just incompatible and starting to cause more stress and irritation than its worth). Do I need to learn to be more tolerable?
I struggle with a very similar problem, or have done in the past, and I think that you’re asking that last question is itself part of the issue. You’re trying to find how to fix yourself still. When really, it sounds like the best thing for you might be to work on being more patient and tolerant with yourself first, instead of thinking there’s some best/perfect version of you waiting in your future if you can just put in enough work. It’s not as productive as it sounds, and when you’re in the habit of constantly analyzing yourself for possible flaws, that can bleed into how you think of and interact with others. It also keeps you from being secure in your self-esteem, which can then lead to failure to communicate and enforce boundaries, as Katie talked about. You don’t have to change to suit someone else, ever. And you shouldn’t.
Kindness (the genuine, unafraid sort) can’t be directed outward if it’s not also being directed inward. That’s something that took me a long time to realize. It’s fine to work on yourself, so long as you’re being gentle and accepting toward who you ARE along the way. No one is perfect, not you, not me, and we never will be and that’s okay. No really. It IS okay. Getting in the habit of saying that to myself when I mess up has really helped me start to feel it. I hope this helps you, and good luck! 🤗
NEVER apologize! You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about and NEVER change yourself.
@@KooblyK this person's got it
The beginning didn't remind me of bpd, it reminded me of codependency. Which is very possible to change, thankfully.
Codependency is extremely problematic - I have been for 4 days on verge of suicide because my bf was depressed because he was very hurt by my actions. It's so hard for us or just me to be just individuals that are not so severely impacted by each other's moods
So is BPD-with treatment.
@@daviddied7252 really felt that. hope you're doing alright...
So I thought I would be triggered by this and was a little, but it helped me more than hurt I think. It's not over. I just need to address trauma & do things without expectations but also not be afraid to ask for help or time. Btw thanks Kati.
I really appreciate this video. Its helping me think clearly about some stuff happening with my gf. I'm trying very hard but...she never wants to compromise. I have to do all the leg work if there's a problem. And no matter how many times I ask for a favor, or want her to consider what I want or need, I find myself somehow not only working harder to make her happy but feeling less a part of the relationship and just a tool for her to use. We've been together for so long but sometimes I think I'm being played for a fool.
Unfortunately I have had many toxic relationships with therapists. I have huge abandonment issues, and when I get comfortable with a therapist and those feelings arise? The therapeutic relationship is ended. I do NOT overstep boundaries because I don't want to push people away. Transference happens, and they bolt.
RAN to this vid when i got the notif...
I hope it was helpful!! xoxo
Sometimes people want you to react a certain toxic way so they pull it out of you so they can continue to feel justified engaging in a certain behavior they do not wish to change in themselves.
If you have an anxious attachment style you will feel drawn into the illusion of the avoidant attachment style's calm, cold, and aloof seemingly independent demeanor because they say just enough to make you think your empathy holds the key to melting their icy guarded self sufficient self supporting, hardened, embittered, "picked themselves up by the boot straps didn't ask for anyone's help or need to count on anyone for nothin" mentality.
But it's a front. Everybody has had help and support from someone somewhere.
So avoidant attachment people are already thinking about how to justify leaving the anxious attachment person before they have even met because avoidants don't feel the need to bother being authentic with an anxious overly caring person they see vulnerability as a weakness and turn off so they already have an escape route carved out before the first greeting is exchanged or before the first kiss.
Also if you're from a family that made you feel like you were always the problem you'll always find partners who make you feel that way too until you get away from your family long enough and get into therapy long enough to see you came from a family system of dysfunction and find dysfunctional partners to be familiar to you.
Until you learn that you're just a regular decent person like everyone else with your own unique set of strengths and imperfections and not some abhorrent Tasmanian devil monster wreaking needy desperate havoc and destruction on the innocent with all of your evil needs to be seen, heard, valued, and respected for you who are (heresy I say!), you will keep thinking "you're" the sole problem.
But eventually if you gain enough autonomy over your life and prioritize mental wellness and distance yourself from the ones who labeled you as the problem you will observe one of three things.
They carry on with their life just fine without you and go on to achieve great things for themselves. So you didn't "ruin" their life with your presence or absence. They're fine. You're not the problem. Just didn't work out.
They stay the same as before they met you. You're not the problem. They are the way they are before they met you, while they knew you, and after you left. They're fine. You're not the problem.
They get worse. Much worse. Their life descends into chaos and they blame you or even if they don't blame you but either way their life has become a flaming garbage dumpster fire of a mess after you leave. They had some underlying issues that has been suppressed and maybe being around you triggered or unearthed something buried deep down inside of them that they had failed to address earlier in your life. You're not the problem.
I mean dang you're probably subscribed to multiple therapy channels if you follow this one trying to gain self awareness and value introspection.
Unless you're out there embezzling companies and money laundering and chopping up human bodies and sticking them in your freezer or trying to run a country as an evil dictator and punching your kids in the face for getting distracted and running off getting lost in Target. Then ya maybe you're the problem.
Love this!
To be honest, being from the other side of this question, I would like to say this is very helpful in understanding what the person who asked the question is also feeling/going through. I am the "used" one in most relationships, and learning how to set up boundaries in a good way without hurting the other person is a great help and perspective! I hope this helps a lot of us on both sides to understand each other better! 👍💯😎🤞
This is a constant issue that I have running through my head, specially on bad depression/anxiety days. I have a constant fear that I am like my abusive father and don't realize it. I am specially grateful for seeing this video right now because recently I reached out to a friend that seemed to suddenly drop me and asked them if I did something to upset them. They proceeded to give a lot of examples of what other people did and one example of something that I did. I apologized for what I did and offered what could be done to improve the situation and how we could work together on things but she just wouldn't stop focusing on the fact that I brought up most of the accusations weren't me and considered it to be dismissing her. I owned up to what I did that hurt her and tried to communicate and offer solutions on how it could be worked on but... nothing. I fell into a deep deep depression and the thought of "I am a horrible person. I am so toxic, etc etc etc" was non stop playing in my head. This video helped me calm down a little bit about that and helped reassure me that I did do the right thing in reaching out and apologizing after months of being ignored and that I wasn't horrible for making a mistake.
Just want to say, I understand, and I relate. I am sure you are doing the best you can to keep improving and being self-aware little by little and sure, we all have bad or off days, but we have to be compassionate to ourselves in those moments as well
I had something similar happen, and I relate so much. A group of friends just dropped me after verbally abusing me for even attempting to apologize, and I fell into a cycle of the same feelings. I started hating myself, but I realized over time that anyone who acts like that in response to an apology has very toxic traits themselves, and it says more about them than it does you, who made the attempt to apologize and be a good person. You are a good person for wanting to make things right
The thing is, in my first relationship I was the toxic one.. but looking back on it I realized I didn't want to be like that anymore.. so I told myself I would be a better gf for the next person.. but it totally went the other way.. so I attracted the wrong person and ended up in a relationship with a narcissistic person.. I didn't have any boundaries and became a doormat so to speak..
Now that I'm safely out of that relationship, I'm really looking for a middle ground.. I'm currently not in a dating mood, I rather stay single now xD
I hope the best for you ❤
I just ended a short but very intense relationship and am filled with guilt and shame, partly because of my bpd. I talked to my sister about how I feel shame for finally dropping everything and just *leaving* my ex's apartment after she gave me the silent, passive-aggressive treatment in the morning after a big fight, playing a 'if you really love me show me im not gonna try anymore/youre gonna regret leaving me' song on her phone on repeat for 15 minutes. I think it is so easy to beat ourselves up about the bad things that we have done instead of the bad things others have done to us (e.g., once, I talked to my ex about my intimacy insecurities, saying 'hey if you're mad at me and need a second to think about everything I can leave'. then my ex screamed at me 'think smarter, shut up', threw up, and had a massive panic attack after). talking to my therapist, sister, and friends about what happened and receiving reassurance really went a long way.
the word toxic is a really frightening one and the possibility of actually being toxic is even scarier. thank you for this video
Kati I think your work is so important for people with BPD. I speak for myself but you often put into words how I would like to explain this disorder.
About one year after finishing therapy for BPD, it hit me like a truck -> I'vey been the one engaging toxic behaviours in my romantic relationships and I also been depending on my closest ones to cover for me on the basic levels of adulting. (Almost 35 ans still relying on my mother to help pay the rent because I can't keep a job for example).
It's been the most painful truth I've had to face since my diagnosis. The pain I caused around me. The accusations I've been making while I was the one not taking charge. I was so ungrateful. It's like I was begging for help on one hand and criticizing the "quality" of the help on the other one. I felt like a monster.
I knew that I couldn't live the rest of my life in the culpability pit and that the best way to free myself and my loved ones of the pain caused by my "disability" was to take action and handle myself. It was so hurtful to realize but it was exactly what I needed to have the big breakthrough I've had. Today is not perfect but there is not a day I don't express how grateful I am to my closest one and I take the time to make amends with some people from my past I know who could use at least some explanation around my behaviours. It is not about making excuses for myself, but it's a way for me to tell the other one that they were NOT the problem like I may have made them feel and that there was an explanation behind my complicated behaviours.
I still struggle to take care of myself as I try to "re-parent" myself. I've had put great things in place just before the pandemic and I've lost most of it. Now it's a matter of living in the moment and keep sanity in a simple routine, Which I think is difficult for anyone who lives alone right now. The good thing is spring is finally here in Canada so I can spend some time in the sun!
Sorry for the big text... I had to get it out apparently, haha.
Thank you so much for all that you do. 🙌
Thank you for sharing your big break through moment. That’s great and I’m happy for you.
Reading this comment makes me happy. I relate a lot to what you said. Hope you're still doing well :)
I hope my ex wife can realize this. I did my best and 12 years ain’t bad for a relationship that began at 16. She went to a shrink and came back mad. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she said the doctor just wanted to label her crazy so he could drug her because he didn’t like her. I said sure dear and then she went wild. I still love her so much. I contributed to the problems, too. I was an idiot boy for sure. I hope she’s ok
I think i have difficulty communicating anything negative because the people that behave in a way that bothers me the most are in a position of power. The person that bothers me the most likes to threaten with that power at the slightest of conflict to the point I feel like I cant let him know who I really am.
damn if this isn't my situation right now
I've watched myself become more and more toxic over the years and it's so painful! 😖(especially because we raise 4 beautiful children together).
I almost can't recognise myself anymore. I can't escape the relationship because I don't believe in quitting a marriage- but I also can't escape the negative effect my husbands passivity has on me... It's incredibly frustrating!
The last thing I want is to shut him out of my heart and treat him as a roommate and work-buddy, but I also can't handle the absolute heartbreak of being ignored, overlooked and used for pleasure on his terms anymore... I'm broken down from trying to win his heart- I just can't anymore... It's been gradually decending into this for the past 5 years or so.. I know that I have to retreat emotionally for awhile, but It's the hardest thing to do and I'm so scared where it will take us...
I never in my life imagined that it could be this painful to love someone... So complicated!... I find myself feeling resentment towards him when he ignorantly feels good about himself because it was always on my expense.... I spend 60% of my life caring about his needs, planning ahead, keeping the house, the kids the everything.. So he enjoys himself- but fails to throw a breadcrumb to the slave at his side, busting her ass to make everything happen.....
I've not hidden my feelings from him either- I communicate and expose my vulnerability.. At the bottom its because I miss him! ... But it changes nothing.. I'm not even asking for much - can we just sit down at night and chat over a glass of wine to talk? Can you just greet me warmly in the morning like I actually matter to you and help me when you see I need it without having to ask for directions?
He is very egotistical, but he doesn't do it on purpose- which is almost the worst thing about this.. I know he loves me - I know he's upset about his own lacks - but it leads to nowhere, anyway so what use is it?
To say "I'm sorry" and really mean it.. Then 2 days later everything is back to normal is just almost too much...
I had to get that out... Moving on now with my day.
Thank you Katie for being here.. I really mean that.. I have no doubt your videos help so many people..❤🤗
Thank you so much for going into this question again :) It's reassuring to hear that it's a common worry, and more ideas for working on it
Also, relationship OCD is still very unknown and misdiagnosed. The toxicity might be rOCD features if the other person suffers from OCD. People can go to couples therapy to deal with this for years (speaking from experience) when they should be seeking a OCD specialist. Of course, the non-OCD person needs to educate themselves as well so they know what is going on and what to do.
This is the question I ask myself right now and I feel awful because I feel like I'm the worst person 😭😭😭😭😭😭
It's great to see this topic, the algorithm has been pushing me all this content about toxic people recently and it just makes me feel more and more alienated because I know I'm the one behaving in that way, and it feels like all the life coaches on YT are judging me harshly
Being honest & a truth speaker in my abusive family just gets the situation flipped. I’m then called an abuser and shunned no matter what kind of abuse I’ve lived through at their hands... whether it be abandonment, emotional abuse, physical abuse or childhood sexual abuse. According to my abusers, I am the one with issues. They take absolutely no responsibility.
The terms manipulative, victim blaming, gaslighting and projection come to mind. Hope u can get away from those people as fast as possible...
I can relate!
PLEASEEEEE make a video about Dissociative Identity Disorder. I’ve been hoping over the years that you might but you haven’t yet so I figured I should ask. 😅 I really hope you’ll consider making one for DID because I really appreciate the way you break things down and elaborate on stuff. I also can actually HEAR what you say, I mean truly hear and understand and remember what you’re saying. My CPTSD causes me to have problems really hearing men speak. I tend to dissociate when they speak but your voice is very clear in my ears and it makes me happy to be able to actually hear you.
She made a video about DID and it was highly inaccurate
When you realise your mom is the toxic one and she has passed toxic traits onto you. Although one thing that was pointed out growing up - if I’d had a normal mother without the mental health issues and drama and toxicity I’d have grown up to be a very well liked and well respected person and everyone says because I spent 19 years living in a toxic home I learnt toxic behaviour and felt this was normal. I am trying to learn to calm and stop my toxic traits so people can see me for the person I am but I also must be careful that people do not see me as “weak” because I’m a very nice easy going person.
First here 🙌 Thank you so much, you're truly a light in this world, more than you know. ❤️
Awe xoxo I hope you enjoyed the video!! xoxo
Thank You for the video. I have realised this. I had been very toxic in my relationship. And therapy isn't accessible . Your video gives an insight that I can work on.
When your have adhd or autistic it’s hard because it probably is you that’s brining the stress. But you just can’t help it. Feeling negative emotions so strong it dictates how you behave sometimes. Let’s also not forget lots of people that you have in your life are not great people either. Your boss will be trying to exploit you everyday if he is like mine. That’s a stressful relationship I could do without
I was toxic to my whole community and my family. Took years for me to learn and I'm still learning. Thanks for the video.
I'm bipolar, and I'm constantly being ditched as soon as my symptoms come out because I can't suppress it anymore. So I've started to tell people right out of the door that I have these problems, so if they think it's too much, I won't form a real bond. It has made it hard for me to trust new people.
I feel this too on a deep level. Forming and keeping trust is so hard
People who have mental disorders but have yet, to realize they are suffering from one will tend to act out in unproductive fashions. Like being 'toxic', similarly to how someone can act 'crazy' when they do not know they have anxiety issues. So calling them toxic or crazy, will make it to where they do not want to seek help. And if they are depressed, which they probably are because Anxiety and Depression go hand in hand. Cutting off contact might make their symptoms worse. Thus making the mental health stigma worse. Counseling should be for those who are suffering from their own personal hell and not just their cry-baby victims.
I feel like I’ve been in so many abusive relationships and now that I’m in my first semblance of a healthy relationship I don’t know anything else besides toxicity and catch myself being manipulative like my narcissistic ex’s used to be to me. I hate myself for it and don’t know what’s wrong with me.. I’m so traumatized and I don’t want to continue the cycle but I just self destruct and sabotage all of my relationships;(
Watching this I realize I've had a lot of toxic traits in my past relationships and even now I catch myself doing some things by accident. But I also see the growth I've made and how I keep trying to improve myself so I can be a better person towards others.
Ahh great topic, this question eats at me A LOT. I have bad anxiety and it has already caused me two friendships. They didn’t want to deal with me anymore, so I constantly wonder if my struggling with mental health is causing me to be a toxic friend, and if I’ll ever have a friend who can stay with me through the times where it’s bad :(
It hasn’t been bad for a few months thankfully but I’m not looking forward to the next time it acts up you know?
I need a friend to work through anxiety with. Let’s be friends?
I would be honored to be your friend and I would go through the bad times with you!
I need a friend too
I know I'm the toxic person but still in denial halfway. I just ruined my marriage and friendship I had for 15 years. Cheating and being disrespectul and being sneaky. Think after I cheated once that just destroyed both you us. Destroyed me in a way where I looked at cheating as being okay. But I'm starting therapy November 2021. I'm probably doing 6 months my mental state is destroyed. I'm just tried of apologize because it's embarrassing now. Wish me luck on this scary new journey.
You will get your karma that you deserve.
What happens when you've tried all that but don't have the option of cutting the toxic people off? How do I do this when a massive part of my life is completely dependent on these toxic people?
Omfg I was literally just thinking about this
Me too!!
I always think that. I am the common denominator :(
I hope the video was helpful :) xoxo
@@Katimorton yes it is, good for now and future reference!
Do you ever find yourself getting upset over things that you know you shouldn’t be upset about? Like your loved ones being too busy to talk to you? I feel like such not supportive partner or is it a red flag?
thank you so much for making this! more or less confirmed what i've already learned the hard way
Bruh! UA-cam also know that I'm a toxic person😢🖤. That's why this video is in my recommendation 😭.
Grab the DBT workbook and start working through it. It sounds like they really care and that's the biggest step in getting better at relationships.
1. Clarity is Power!
2. Become them!
3. Write a love letter from them to you!
4. Backdate the letter for you
5. one day you receive the letter - Allow your emoptions to amplify
Observe, say yes! Be present! When you get an invitation, say yes!
I had lost a person over being toxic after YEARS of having abusive and toxic people use me for my people pleasing. I'm now diganosed with BPD, out of my abusive household, going to lots of therapy and I cat overly kind now because I realized I hurt someone I loved deeply. I am trying to forgive myself because they left since there was too many me problems and their mental health suffered. I miss them and wish I could reach out and rebind with them but they build solid fortresses when hurt. I wish I did someting different but now im taking the L and never doing that again.
AMAZING QUESTION! thank you for asking...Thank you for answering....we all have to fix SOMETHING! We aren't perfect...
Agreed! We are all works in progress :) xoxo
Big time. My gratitud to you!
I feel like my family and I take turns being toxic to each other. We know that we're doing it, but it can be difficult to stop.
You can be the first in your family who stops doing it!
What do you do when it's not so much that you are keeping score of what you did for them vs. what they did for you. It's more that you are glad to do what you can for them but when they hesitate to gladly do what they can for you it makes you feel sort of betrayed.
Example: you have been helping them when they need money for months but when they say they are getting rid of a knick-knack and you say you want it, they say it will cost you $20
With that example it would have been fine if they had said no(I mean I would have asked why but it is up to them in the end). I just wasn't ok with having given them much more than that recently only for them to turn around and basically tell me I should have given them 20$ less so I could buy a thing from them now. It felt like a gut punch.
I know we were both so bad for each other but I'm still so angry they never listened when I pointed it out. I kept saying I know I wouldn't make her happy and she even admitted she didn't want to let go. I feel terrible bc that trapped feeling made me lash out with words a lot. It keeps haunting me, I can't seem to forgive either of us.
I am a toxic person, and i am trying to accept that , I hurt my parents along with my siblings, i fear that I will lose them due to my awkward behaviour in school and my struggles to make friends, I put all my frustrations and anger issues on my family . I want to change myself to stop my toxic behaviour to rebuild my relationships with my family.
I would be okay with comments under this comment.
Btw I am a 16 year old
Currently can’t tell if me or my friend are the toxic one (probably both) and it’s really hard to draw the line between if this is just something recent that started or if it’s been years ago. Being in a pandemic really creates that shared stress that amplifies issues ugh
In my best attempt of being self-aware I only identify with the point of being passive aggressive in this video. I’ve always had this problem and it’s something I hope to really improve with my own therapist. With that being said, the specific person I have in mind it’s extra hard to communicate with them because they are already very mentally unwell. I don’t want to be another hurtful thing in there life even tho they are harmful to me. I’m scared they would do something extreme which is probably a toxic situation to be in on it’s own but it’s still real and scary.
I also want to say: couples therapy! It's useful even if you think one person is causing most of the problems and especially if that person is you. I started it with my partner because I realized my anxiety was causing problems for us both, but having him in the room with the therapist and me really helped him understand what I was trying to work on, and helped me understand what he wasn't understanding about it. I think he ended up needing to do about fifteen percent of the work but just getting clarity on what that fifteen percent of it was made both of our lives so much better. It's never completely one sided and if you're causing problems but willing to work on them, giving your loved one a space to learn how to help you help yourself will help both of you.
I’m excited to watch all I’ve missed because this will help me have a stronger healthier with the people I love. It’s tough to hear the truth and admitting that yes I do those things and yes I have to better myself and how I react.
We need more resources from this point of view of the attacker to support & help make changes, as many resources from the victims.
Thank you Kati!
You are so welcome!! I hope it's helpful :) xoxo
wow kati. i love your videos, and I've watched them for a while. i just had to pause this one & comment on how beautifully said this is. you truly worded this in a way that does not attack, nor very triggering (imo at least). like, it's so carefully worded & crafted in a way that, while it may make the viewer a little uncomfortable (bc introspection can be very uncomfortable for everyone at some point or another), it still poses the topic in a way that can be received incredibly well for probably wide range of people (if not MOST!). i appreciate you so much you've helped me & I'm sure so many others more than you'll probably ever know. tytyty!!
Thanks, is really grounding to hear someone talk in a straight but calmly about this
I'm really grateful you've addressed this topic, but I feel like I still need more guidance on how to overcome the issues that make me this way
the questions has described the way i have felt to a tee and it the exact way i would have worded it. i mostly ruined a wonderful 2yr relationship with my loving gf now ex and i hate myself everyday for it. i dont rly need to be consoled i just wish she knew how sorry i am for the way i exhausted her, and just felt like putting this out there but i dont want pitty or to guilt trip people into making me feel better which inadvertently makes me feel like and sound like i am
after a fight with my parents rethinking it, i might be super toxic correlating it with my past i tend to be more toxic now I genuinely think i should do better
I've asked that question or the equivalent.
It's difficult to say I hope you don't think I'm no good just like so many other people have done.
It's becoming a statistically significant metric.
I was never ever toxic before. Quite the opposite, I used to be a people pleaser. But lately because of some events I began to change. I even became extremely revengeful. I don't wanna be this way but I feel like I have no choice because I gotta DEFEND MYSELF. I'm never mean for no reason. It's a reaction when others try to attack me. I'm simply trying my best to survive in a world full of sharks.... :( but I realised it's taking A LOT out of my time and energy....
You are not alone. I relate to your post 100%. I recently broke up with a covert female narcissist. She would bait me into getting angry with insults and my outbursts were reactive abuse toward her. I feel incredibly bad for my ugly responses. Everyday I hate myself for those moments of verbally attacking her. I realize now she is emotionally immature and she doesn't know the psychological damage she was creating. 7 weeks ago she discarded me for an outburst, and I feel disappointed with myself. I promised her I would treat her better because I can't control her behavior, I can only control mine. Knowing I lost the love of my life with toxicity is very unsettling. I know I can't take all the blame but I should of been more aware of how I control my emotions, especially towards someone I claim to love. This has happened in the past with others, but now I'm forced to look at myself and make the changes necessary.
Thank you for all of these helpful videos, they have helped me so much and now I’m seeing my own therapist!
Thank you so much! I can’t explain how hard it’s been lately but I know I have to get better it’s worth it.
I became the toxic one after I asked this guy a question, he deflected, and told me he could just leave after he had impregnated me and I was hormonal obviously. I called him out and told him that a man owns up to their bullshyt and apologizes and I also told him my brother has reached out to me to ask for advice in his relationship and even he took the steps to mend things and be better. My brother is younger than both of us so I think that stung for him. I wasn’t trying to hurt, more so set the example of better steps that can be taken. Anyway next day he brought me chocolates and a balloon but he never even apologized. After that he also didn’t allow me to express myself emotionally because I was still on that… someone who actually cares apologizes. I knew I couldn’t force him to do what he didn’t want to do. So I became more and more resentful because I wanted the best for my daughter and tried working things out without ever receiving an apology. If I even brought things up I would call him out on stuff he would do that was literally just like my abusive father who puts ppl down to make himself feel better, he was rude, he would speak negatively about everything and never be grateful when he’s from a asylum country living in the US. And even speak shyt about the US. Then when I had my baby, I’m literally trying to keep it together emotionally and this uy starts crying when literally so many times he had already put me down for expressing my emotions. He would stay home with me and not help me in a smart way. Like you know I take care of baby while you sleep. No he was tired so I would tell him just sleep and once you’ve slept, I will finally feel safe allowing you to take care of her while I’m resting. This was because while he would be taking care of her, he would be falling asleep with her in his arms and I would legit have to always yell at him to wake up. The guy didn’t understand basic stuff like that and just admit that I was right. For the safety of my daughter I would have to be awake for 72 hours sometimes when she was a newborn because he wasn’t helping me truly. He honestly was the least smart guy I have ever been with. He also brought his sister and family at one point and they were always talking about me. I stonewalled the guy even in front of them because I was tired of his Bs and I also noticed that this was the only relationship where I could notice myself being emotionally manipulative. I realized it was because he is emotionally manipulative which isn’t a reason to be but it made me realize Christian’s are right about soul ties and energy transfers. So you really have to know who you are to understand what’s yours and what’s not
If someone admits to over stepping boundaries but blames it on XYZ it kind of does sound like a toxic person to me.
Damn, just recently got out of a short term relationship and definitely started seeing things in my behavior. Thanks for the upload
YUP! My younger sibling in a nutshell! He ALWAYS kept score on things I’ve done in the past and brought it up in FUTURE conversations to use it against me! This is why ot sucks living with siblings too long when I should’ve moved out years ago
Thanks for sharing. Sometimes, I do feel like I am the only one. I feel like "I just fit in". Mainly with my family & even with a few friends. (Don't have many anyway).
Maybe I'm just a loner...
I definitely have things to work on... My previous partner said I was the toxic one and he did all of these things however ... 😬
I have to say and have learned to be my authentic self... sometimes my temperament doesn't fit well with others. I am really not here for approval! If someone feels like I am toxic I invite them to explore relationships where they feel more comfortable! Peace!
If I only saw this, she still be with me! God I miss her so much 😢💔
Amazing. Great advice from beginning to end!
I'm 100% lost. I don't know if I'm toxic or my gf is, I don't know if I love her or not, I don't know if she loves me or not! I'm just lost! I can't share my feelings with her, because I know it will cause an endless fight. I wish I could just know:(
Ps: your videos helped me a lot with my anxiety disorder, thank you so much.
There is no relationship, whether amicable or amorous. There is no possibility of me being toxic to anybody. Nobody even knows me. It takes interaction to be toxic. That is something that does not hinder me.
I've taken responsibility for my own faults. The worst thing that happened to me is that a person used my shortcomings and struggles against me and would convince other people that I'm the crazy one and that I'm the problem. While he is the true narcissist and manipulator. He wants tried to convince me that something didn't happen. But I know actually happened. and confronted him many times and our relationship and he'd always shoot me down and make me feel like I'm the crazy one. And even get other people involved in it. And no one would believe me because of my other past shortcomings of either having been drinking too much or something of that nature. I've come a long way now. And I don't have anything to do with those people anymore.
People dont even know if they are toxic or not. Its hard to know. Most who are toxic dont believe they are.
I'm one of those who expects others to read my mind, and unfortunately, I don't know how to change it. Having to explain myself is just so upsetting, all that communication so painful and exhausting. Why would I want social interaction that is upsetting, painful and exhausting over and over again? Of that's all there is to relationships, why would you want people in your life?
I feel this whole heartedly
I knew a therapist who frequently asked: "Have you told them? Out loud, with words, or just strong thoughts in your head?" Maybe a starting point could be saying things out loud by yourself, with nobody else around. Even alone, saying things aloud is very different from just thinking them. It makes them real, and at the same time robs them of their power. They become real but also manageable. It could be a stepping stone towards eventually telling other people.
I do not see how you can have a meaningful relationship without communication.
@@meej33 Well I can dissociate at all the things, thinking about it, saying it out loud and talking to the person. I do say things to people, but my memory is patchy. I don't understand this sentiment of saying things to make it real and then it not having power. Like, c'mon, if things make me dissociate or let me have a violent meltdown then clearly they do have power.
The first rule of love is to learn to love yourself, if you cannot love yourself, you cannot love anyone🙏
This is such a terrible mantra. Live laugh love-esque. It's also absolutely not true.
I prefer the mantra that we need to be able to meet our own needs independent of our partners before we can have a healthy relationship. I don’t think we need to love ourselves first (many people struggle with this). We just can’t go looking for someone else to fill a hole.
@@Emily-eh5bq this “terrible” mantra will resonate with you one day.
I drove the most amazing relationship i ever had into its grave. Chance after chance this amazing partner gave me. I kept doing the same thing
Kati how on earth do you make a decision to want something? Since when are we able to decide on our feelings?
Do you think it’s necessary to communicate our problems with toxic behaviors before leaving a relationship? Should you give them a chance to change or is it okay it decide you think you know what would happen and just leave?
I had C-PTSD from childhood
I know I was anything but easy to live with
Was told by my wife I was all the trouble and maybe I was
But I also think maybe we are just bad together we both get under each other skin
Reason I think this ..she never looks for help or wants any
I am so sorry you have gone through so much trauma in your life, and you could definitely be right, that you just don't work well together. Sometimes it's just a bad recipe :( xoxo
I can relate to this so so so much!!! I also have CPTSD and had generalised anxiety when I was dating my ex. It was a horrible mix because he wasn’t ‘good’ at looking after himself. He would go into unarranged overdraft, drink every night, not clean his clothes or shoes properly, not go to the doctors or dentist, not do his share of the chores. His favourite coping strategy was avoidance. Which would make me feel anxious and towards the end I felt like his mum. When I got in this relationship I was in a psych ward for psychosis and I didn’t know him too well but he came to visit me every single day. Which I now see as a bit creepy honestly because I was so vulnerable. I am in such a better position in life now but I beat myself up for the longest time for being in a relationship that didn’t make sense to the people around me. I could feel people judging me and most of all me judging me. I still feel embarrassed about it. I am going to book some therapy to work through it because typing this out has actually made me realise there is so so so much to unpack.
I really value relationships and romance too and being a warm loving person and I regret that I wasn’t that I felt clingy, cold and nagging. I wanted to leave for so long but I was so ill, I couldn’t work, insecure housing, emotional roller coasters and he was a big comfort.
Basically I hate who I was in that relationship and in the future I will look for someone that is easy for me to love and brings out a version of myself that I like.
My ex was like your ex in that they didn’t want help and as someone finding so much relief in mental health treatment and also recognising so many symptoms in my partner I really wanted to get them to get help. Which could of come off as controlling and unhelpful.
It was a match made in hell but I learned so much that it was really valuable.
I am weary that this probably paints me and my ex in a horrible light but my ex isn’t a bad person he was kind and patient and loving and creative. He just had shit that I couldn’t deal with and I didn’t realise (thanks psychosis) until I was balls deep into a relationship, emotionally attached, LIVING TOGETHER! At a time in my life where I was permanently in fight or flight mode, confused af with no support system. We were 20 (me) and 23 (him).
I’m trying to forgive myself and move on now.
I hope you’re able to do the same!
Please excuse the mad overshare! I literally never talk about this because it’s embarrassing to me, so I feel like I can’t stop now!