Narcissists such as you describe must be kept out of professions where they have power over vulnerable people, since they are abusive and since they are dominators and cannot see the humanity in others. WHEN they wheedle and weasel their way into roles where they can get used to behaving tyrannically, and they have no supervisor, their lack of integrity can harm many people, one by one. . . When they are sadistic to boot with their chosen scapegoat of the moment, what can one do?
and in the end if you get what you want , they want exactly the same shit. But then realize there’s other narcs that want it as well. So they outnarc each other
They are so deceitful...so hard to spot them in the beginning, you start thinking they've got some kind of mental issue, and then feeling you can help him through your strong beliefs in God, but they even use that as a deceptive way to try to trick you further more...so sad to know how evilness overtakes such people. All I can do is pray that some day he will see His light!!!
I feel this way about my Granson too. I think enrolling him in a good Marshall Arts class would also be helpful in protecting himself in this harsh world 🙏 ❤ 💥
Being called selfish by a narcissist is so annoying. The narcissist is calling you selfish to try and control you. Its to try and get you feeling down and guilty for something you didn't do. Its a lie and the narcissist knows it.
My covert narcissist sister began calling me selfish when I entered college many years ago. I was the only sibling to receive undergraduate & graduate degrees much to the resentment of both of my sisters. Both married early and started families but very aggressively bullied & harassed me to this day for making my education a priority.
1. "I dislike how you try to control me." 2. "Everything you do is just for show." 3. "I can't get through to you ... ever." 4. "You just want people to cater to you." 5. "You have serious anger issues." 6. "I can't trust you - you are not honest." 7. "You don't know people like I do."
or how bout this one "some people u just get...narc sil and she said sometimes I picture a different sil. So tired of her passive aggressive, projection, blame shirfting, and gaslighting, everything is a competition
For anyone who needs to see this: Since they're projecting their traits onto you, and they are traits of people with NPD, aren't at least some of these things you might say to somebody with NPD? This seems like a dangerous topic to me, and could further victimize people experiencing narcissistic abuse into thinking that they're the problem. Especially since narcissists often try to turn the table on you once they know you're onto them. They try to convince you that you're the actual narcissist, not them. I'm so tired of the mindfxck with these people, always wondering whether you're the problem when, after years of them treating your feelings without regard and catching them in lies, while they treat you like a bank account, a cook, a maid, a taxi, etc whatever else they want or need from you without any concept of reciprocation, of course you're not going to be thrilled with them.
I never cease to be amazed at the lengths that narcissists go to to cover up their own issues. Proverbs 28:13 He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.
they are so self absorbed and self centered that when they are talking to you or about you it’s still just them thinking about themselves - more self centeredness but more subconsciously. Insane!
Master manipulators who accuse you of the very things they are guilty of! 30 years with a covert narcissist has made me an expert! Gratefully, that is in my rearview mirror!
When the narcisist keeps projecting their unresolved psychological turmoil simultaneously avoiding to take accountability and responsibility for their actions, we must radically accept that we are dealing with a person who lacks credibility and we should keep that thought in our mind every time we are forced to deal with that individual. Thank you for your invaluable help and support dr Carter.❤ God bless you❤
so good i can have boundaries and disengage from someone who is so sick, and stay away, have boundaries and rather choose safe enough people , im worth it , in a good way , were worth it :)
I dont think id describe it as turmoil. To them, its not turmoil. To us, we see it as turmoil- because we cant imagine being so depraved. But thats just how their brain is wired. What is turmoil to us is their natural state of being
I have a family full of them, my father infected all of them, it's horrendous watching them all, non of them are real grown ups, but they all think its me so to speak. I have never had a real conversation EVER with any of them. I have plenty of real conversations with other people all the time, that's how you know the difference, between a normal person & a Narcissist Never share anything real with them, it's just ammo to them.
Talking to them is like talking to a rock. They just data collect so they know what buttons to push to get what they want. If all they talk about is their kids, their property, their house, their car, and condescend everything you have that's who you are talking to. Keep distance.
So sorry about your family situation that must be very difficult. 😢 You're absolutely right there is no talking to THEM!!! I have had better conversations with strangers. Thank you for your insight and take care. 🙏
P.S. I just wanted to mention a beautiful African Proverb. "Talking with one another is loving one another. " And narcs don't seem to be good at either one! So sad 😞
This is my narc mom. She's the matriarch of my toxic family and my toxic sisters. She passed away over 2 months ago. And, my whole family are either narcs themselves or her enablers. I'm a middle child, black sheep, and an empath. I feel isolated from my family. The only ones I care about are my 4 nephews (who are between the ages of 8 and 14). I worry about my nephews and how their moms (my toxic sisters) are raising them. I've started to go no contact (complete family estrangement) from my entire family since the beginning of this month (my birth month) to start a brand new life, but I will always love my nephews and worry about them. 😓
My narcissistic spouse of 29 years employs all of these tactics on the daily. Since I can't leave right now, these video are helping me stay sane. I was struggling before finding Dr. C's and Dr. Ramani's videos. Thank you! ❤
@@robertruge2916right now I have choice to consider your counter question negative trying to challenge me like narcissist do, or consider you as a team healthy member and treat you with respect, because I want model respect and project what is inside me.
When I think of projecting positivity, I am reminded of sharing our perspectives with each other just like we're already doing in the comment section. I've seen such wonderful interactions here and in the live chats. It's like people feel free to share with others and feel like they belong and like they matter. People who have been narcissistically abused benefit from being reminded that they really do deserve to heal, to be understood, to be validated, all the things that narcissistic abuse tries to destroy in a target. Projecting positivity is what people do when they want mutual healing and building each other up. And so much more.
My narc could never get enough attention , always wanted more , he complained to me about everyone who was helping him wether it was in the garden or drive him to the hospital , no one could do it goid enough , insane !
7 common projections 📽 1. I dislike how you try to control me 2. Everything you do is just for show 3. I can't get through to you...ever 4. You just want people to cater to you 5. You have serious anger issues 6. I can't trust you. you're not an honest person 7. You don't know people like I do
This is so spot-on. The mother of our daughters does all these things. As a rendition on, "I can't get through to you," and the final one, "You don't know how to relate to people, like I do," she combines the two wrapped in the tidy bow of an insult, "You're autistic," hurled bereft of any empathy. Never mind that I'm not autistic. Who would use that as an insult? A vile narcissist
My own daughter accused me of being autistic last year because the babies were crying, the radio was loud and it was raining and she was driving. I snapped because she is really good at ignoring everything. I can not. She said autistic people are sensitive to noise. I was shocked and didn’t say a word.
@@Iamthatchick I'm sorry this happened. You don't deserve it. The remark is also a version of, "You have mental problems," a favorite insult of narcs, often used when you give in to reactive narcissistic abuse (i.e., give them a taste of their own medicine or just simply get angry in reaction to their latest provocation)
Interesting that you were accused of being autistic... I was too, by a lawyer, after I had my children taken by their father when I called her for help.🤔🫂
I've been accused by my husband of all of 7 projections. I'm going to ask my attorney to watch this video before we go into the mediation phase of my divorce proceedings.
I'm doing the same with my sister as we head to court to settle my Dad's estate. It's comical, but sad, to listen to Dr. C here describe her behavior so accurately. I wish I had this info 30 years ago.
I'm a person in my fifties, and I know myself well enough that when my narcissistic ex-partner projected these things on me, she wasn't describing the way I really am. It took me longer to realize that she was really talking about herself. That realization was horrifying, because it's when I understood that she could not be reasoned with.
Yep! When one is hurt from being ignored & treated like a non person & express that & try to engage in conversation to try to resolve...I always hear "It's all about you".
Mine baited me into anger so often and so easily that my unspoken label in the family was "The Angry One." He told me, "Everybody is always walking on eggs around you." But he was the one everybody complained about as being "always such an a******." When I left and started talking about it to friends, a whole lot of eyebrows went up. Across the board, friends, family, and coworkers all said I was easy-going and patient, easy to work and collaborate with, and generally a reassuring person to be around.
That's what two family narcs always said about me. I know it isn't true. I'm not perfect no doubt, but I know that is not how I am. I strive to be pleasant to be around and live with the great majority of the time. There are times I slip up and lose my cool like anyone else but I never go crazy and it's quite rare if and when that happens.
@YourCapybaraAmigo_17yrsago I've had to put distance between myself and my mother because she would flip out at me and then say I kept getting angry at her. The most spectacular was when she called me after my aunt visited and started right off yelling that I'd ruined the visit. I was pretty impressed by how much wreckage I'd caused, given that I wasn't around for most of it. I finally hung up on her. She promptly texted the spouse, and apparently she tried to talk to me, "but I said it wrong and now Suzanne's angry at me." Gee gosh golly, Batman, probably because I'd just gotten screamed at out of nowhere. The next time we saw each other after an explosion - typically a week - I would get a hug and "I feel like I've gotten my daughter back." Apparently I stopped speaking to her when this sort of thing happened. That was news to me, although heaven knows I would have been justified.
Omg this is me. It took YEARS for me to relax because I thought the me ppl got was masking the angry one my mother hated. I spent YEARS believing I was broken and only pretended to be okay around ppl cuz my mother ONLY saw the anger and nasty attitude I never understood I was protecting. Yet, none of my friends, my husband, nobody else saw that regularly. They literally only ever saw my anger when I was overwhelmed and disregulated - which was cuz I'm neurodivergent and had been undiagnosed my ENTIRE life.
I've been saying: "I found it to be quite theraputic!" as a universal response to a wide variety of scenarios for some time now, both in my head and out loud. e.g: "I found watching Gus snooze to be quite therapeutic."
Not quite the same thing... but, before I got booted from that TOXIC home care assignment, I wanted to respond just once to idiotic questions by saying... "Let me get one thing straight: I NEVER EXPLAIN ANYTHING!" (Julie Andrews in "Mary Poppins") Once I realized both guys were "data collectors" to use against me later, I preferred NOT telling them anything more than seemed necessary.
Projection can be described as... ...an unconscious act of not accepting one's own (inner world) feelings, thoughts, motivations, characteristics and placing them onto the outside - to somebody else. ...the basis for empathy. ...a defense mechanism of the ego (Sigmund Freud). ...the misapprehension that another person possesses a trait that they actually do not. ...a form of denial and splitting of the self. ...the opposite of introjection. ...a form of self-soothing in which one person's negative emotions and characteristics are transferred to another.
When it’s your fault you have no excuse, the rare occasion they say it’s their fault their excuse is it was actually your fault that it was their fault and still you have no excuse.
I think that young people are more barcissistic than old ones. I do not mean the personality but the way they think. When I think myself at the age 29, I was actually childish=narcissistic. When I now see workmates of that age I can realise that maybe I have grown and can see the bigger pickture, the needs of other people etc. More clearly than when I was younger. Life is a teacher!
As hurtful as they are …you have to see what they do!This is a brilliant explanation but sadly you have to be emotional abused to understand it. Thank you
It is like they are looking in a two-way mirror that is in front of their target. They think they are looking through a window at you, but they are really just describing what they see in a mirror. They are objecting to what they see in themselves, but cannot bear to see so it has to be attributed to you.
My older sibling, a hardcore narcissist, tried very hard to gaslight me into believing that I was a sociopath and mentally unstable. Good grief!! She pretty much insisted that everyone around her, (friends and relatives,) was either alcoholic or mentally unstable. She was projecting constantly.
Hubby and I have taken a much needed break from his family by going no contact for one year; and the level of peace & tranquility we're experiencing is so *wonderful* that we might decide to go another year, and so on .... they can leave us out of their need for drama since we enjoy a peaceful home :)
We have too. At first, I felt bad but that has changed and it feels right. It makes it easier to deal with unwanted behavior from others too. I'm not so quick to anger when my boundaries are disrespected. I'm learning to respectfully manage difficult encounters.
Yes, at first I felt bad. When my husband first proposed "no contact" I couldn't say Yes. But after I spoke to my therapist he said that I should take my husband up on his offer because he wants to "protect" me from their abuse. So glad I said ok :)
Great info, thank you Dr. C! One of my 5 sisters-in-law, Annette, once said this to me during our first year of marriage ... "You will never be accepted into this family, and I speak for all of my sisters." Well, I was just heartbroken. Those words cut like a knife. Then, about 10 years later, another sister-in-law said this about her own sister Annette... "No one is close to Annette!" ...and she said this in front of the family! So I later realized that Annette was *projecting* her own pain onto me! Knowing that she was doing this helped me see her in a different way. Yes, those words she said to me still hurt, because I noticed my other sisters-in-law would ostracize me just like they did Annette, but at least I understood why Annette said that to me. Sometimes families can be so mean to their own. Whatever happened to unconditional love?
I think in general the problem is that people are ignorant when it comes to knowing how to love and their egos run their lives. Lots of people haven't learned humility and are very insecure. This manifests as fear that results in hurting others as a survival strategy. It's just very basic and unenlightened. The world is full of this as well as narcissism. When I was growing up the church was an example to people of mature and humble values. Everyone went to church for the community interaction and for the belief of helping each other get through life. Those sources of spiritual wisdom and goodness have almost disappeared in the landscape of society. As that remains is shakey ethics that people only apply if it suits their purposes. There is no morality now let alone unconditional love. People love when it suits their selfish ego driven agendas and for no other reason. There is no loyalty or trustworthiness. Everyone can be bought for a price to do almost anything. We all chase the almighty dollar and love be damned. That is success means today in North America so don't look for unconditional love here. It's extinct.
@@leanne123 you're so right, it is so much like that now and that's a real shame, but I remind myself that even so, there are still many good people out there who genuinely care about others and how to be relatively mature kind people. We can't forget that decent well-meaning people are everywhere.
If a Narcissist cannot change your DNA to suit their narrative or suppress your Right of Freedom to make your own decisions they will rage and tantrum on repeat! Thankyou Team Healthy and Dr C! 😊
One that I have had when I refused to be upset on Mothers Day when he walked out of lunch, was "you must really be loving this power ". I was just refusing to be baited.
It's crazy because they call you a narcissist and tell you how bad you are and they can't wait to leave Lol so you end up getting what you want anyway because they really think that you are the narcissist .
every horrible thing they say to you or about you is how they see themselves. when you realize that, you can then begin to tell them you are sorry thats how they feel about themselves - perhaps they should seek counseling for that. it has given me freedom in leaps and bounds to be able to understand this. I am not the bad guy they say I am and their opinion of me does not matter. when you can get that kind of mental strength going on then you can walk away. and they cant hurt you ever again. not with your permission anyway. ❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥
I am so upset that you don't trust me...(with big alligator tears) - the interesting thing is you can see them going from thing to thing that they think will get them what they want.
My narc ex used to tell me I was manic-depressive. Also told me I was the most even tempered person all the time no matter what the situation was, so which is it?? My fav was when he insisted I had a boyfriend. No, nopity nope I didn't. Guess who did cheat though???
Thank you for this. How much suffering could this knowledge save save if known? I've spent my life confused by self blame. Such a relief to finally put my finger on what I could not name.
yeah they analyze others, not themselves. my late narc mother-in-law kept me under a microscope and she was always finding fault with me--but there was nothing wrong with her because she was older & wiser lol.
Narcissism is a disorder of the "personality", so the intelligence or analytical thinking is not related. One narcissist could be highly intelligent with strong analytical skills, while another narcissist could be unintelligent with no analytical skills -- just like anyone and everyone else. However, a narcissist will probably want you to believe they are the most intelligent and skilled with analytical thinking, whether they are or not.
A light 💡 bulb went off with number 1. I can’t tell you the number of times he accused me of being a control freak. Why is it wrong to want peace and harmony? Gaining so much insight and knowledge from you, Dr. C. Thank you.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I realized those 2 lunatic home care clients were control freaks from the beginning. IF ONLY I knew about "Narcissism" back then. With people like that, standing up for yourself only makes things WORSE!
Step four of the 12 step program: Made a searching & fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Do you think they do? Nope. Also, You don't have to be in this program to understand that step either.
Our family narcissist told me that I was controlling, manipulative, and power hungry. After that I went no contact. At the time I asked her if she could talk a little bit about what I had done that had her feeling that way and she couldn't think of anything. She then sent her friend to let me know what a horrible person I was and when I said I was happy to discuss this matter with her, she never contacted me again. It has been several years now and the narcissist is still in very limited contact with two of our mutual family members. She asks them every time she talks with them to get me to call her. She loves and misses me so much. I just laugh now about it, but I sure didn't at the time that she said those things to me.
I once asked my brother what I had done that made him hate me. He didn't really have an answer. He just did. My stepfather had made me a scapegoat when I was 16 and my brother was 14. That is where he learned to disrespect me. He didn't know why the stepfather was always being verbally abusive to me but he believed I must have deserved it. He was 14 and impressionable. He believed in and trusted this man. He became just like him and continued the scapegoating of me after the stepfather was dead. The hatred and disrespect of me was sewn into him and he doesn't even know the reason why he feels this way towards me. He just does. He assumes all kinds of terrible stuff and projects it on me. He has convinced himself that I am a horrible person deserving of disdain although he can't name one reason. Just that the stepfather thought so, so it must be true. Nothing can change his mind. No proof or evidence to the contrary can shake his belief. He has been so utterly convinced and her can't see the insanity of his thinking. He has also now convinced his wife. Such a strange phenomenon. I can see his inner emotional pain and he is addicted to alcohol. But he denies all fault and judges others constantly.
I noticed that she "asks you to call her" instead of announcing she will make the call herself. A furthering of ... not taking responsibility. A hallmark of the way the narc operates in situations where they are at fault.
I can identify with your situation. Reconnecting to a narcissistic person does not heal the damage already done. I am glad you can see her for who she is. My mother had diagnosed mental health issues plus I've come to realize she was also narcissistic; not a good combination and I had to step away. I'm glad you have distanced yourself.
With the two narcs in my life (family of course) their whole game is about having absolute control and authority over everything. It does not matter if they are talking out of their ass and getting called out on it. They will just keep rebuilding their story to account for the ever more absurd excuses they have to use to justify that they are right about everything, even when it is dead obvious they are completely in over their heads and have zero real-world working knowledge of a topic.
Thank you for this, Dr. Carter. This is so accurate. My ex narc used all of these. His favorite go tos were selfish and controlling. The selfishness is also tied to their double-standard, denial of another’s needs and lack of empathy. I should’ve heeded the red flags when we were dating - he called all of his exes selfish. The controlling comment underscores their utter inability to collaborate and communicate about even the most mundane topics (eg emptying the dishwasher). They will never introspect, never learn, and never change.
Identity exchange They attach their traits to you And claim yours as their own Reverse perverse 💥 The kingdom of darkness is an inversion to God's kingdom as the enemy can't create. He can only steal kill and destroy. # it's spiritual
Projecting your problems on someone else is a major cop out to your own defects of character. If a person doesn't have personal insight or self awareness you probably won't be able to help them especally if they don't have a conscience. Let them know your thoughts and beliefs differ from theirs and in no way would you change them for them or anyone else.
Amen, Amen to all of this!!!! Our culture as a whole these days! One indicator of this is the fact that when we were young we were always taking pictures of others and things but now they are taking pictures of themselves continually.
It's so ironic that the narcissist lacks introspection, yet so quickly points out another person's shortcoming (should they have the misfortune of exposing it to the narcissist).
Thank you, Dr. Carter for educating and enlightening your followers. We are truly grateful. As your fellow colleague once said, "Lying and denying.....projection and deflection," is their game. Praise the Lord for deliverance from these individuals.🕊️
I was told often that I was angry and unable to trust. Yet friends and family that have known me all of the life would not call me an angry person but the friends and family of my former husband would say he had been angry. He left me feeling confused about myself. I now know this was projection, it all makes sense to me now
The last words my NPD mother said to me in person were a tearful (likely for herself), "Your father did this." I believe she sensed I was cutting the family off, and unconsciously confessed (by projection) how her life was ruined.
Hi Doc I left my husband of 15 years, 23 years ago. Things got physically abusive when I started to dig in my heels. Got help, etc, etc. But the nightmares wouldnt quit. At 63, time to deal with it. Therapist recommended (another) UA-camr; found you instead. Holy cr@p, the pieces are falling into place faster than a high-speed Scrabble Game. (Joyful fist-bump!). 🥰
What I like when they take on your past and claim to have experienced the things you have or repeat back to you everything you brought to their attention, always turn everything back on you. No ending or solution to anything.
The absolute biggest problem these maligned people create, is our children!!! As a father of 7 millennials, I am seeing this behavior in three of our children, 1st middle and last! Thank you for helping us see Dr.C! Peace.
the parents damaging the child is what creates narcissism. when i see comments about parents complaining their children are narcissists, i am highly skeptical
@@rob_see I suspect the original comment might be referring to the effect of narcissism on children by external environments and/or people outside of the immediate family.
@@danielkaiser8971 im not sure, you may be right but the initial comment is extremely ambiguous and seems to imply that his children just became narcissists despite his parenting
@@rob_seebe skeptical all you want…it’s not about YOU btw…there are many influential factors in children’s lives…there is also biology/genetics, different family statuses, ect ect… BTW, black and white thinking, such as YOURS, is a character trait of narcissism 😂🤪
I do 99.9% of the housework and cooking in my house and do a great job at it. I’m a very organized and motivated person. My husband often says that he does everything around the house and I don’t pull my weight. It’s so far from the truth and I’ve come to the conclusion that he might be feeling like he doesn’t pitch in enough and projecting it onto me. I’ve also thought maybe I work so hard around the home that it’s making him insecure because he can’t keep up. Or maybe it’s just another tactic to gaslight me.
I think a major form of projection is mind-reading, where the abuser will dictate what other people think in order to belittle and berate them and claim victimhood for themselves. It works by putting the target on the defensive, trying to counter false claims that the abuser has effectively made unfalsifiable. Rather than being drawn into to trying to defend yourself against the claim, it's much better to be able to spot it quickly and directly unmask the irrationality of unfalsifiable and abusive assertions about what other people secretly think. What they are really doing is rewriting their own thoughts and attitudes by flipping characters around to hang them as accusations off other people. It is possible to use this to reverse the attack by putting the claim back where it belongs: with them. I suppose this is a reflection of immaturity, in that they haven't properly differentiated as individuals, which you've spoken insightfully about a number of times before. I think projection occurs because these kinds of people are unable to comprehend other people very well, so they just assume that everyone is the same internally as they are.
Thank you, you are a wonderful teacher. Spending some time alone with just you and God. God will guide us to truth. What things we do that are wrong. God will let us know how to work in those things from a loving place. To make us better but not as the narssesist does. Witch is to destroy us. The love isn't there. Thank you my friend . Best to you, Dave
When my 50 year old narc sister is overly stressed, she creates a pretend argument, tells our parents what I “did”, then she gets attention and whatever else she needs. I get shunned. All of these ‘tools’ are used by her. I “get it” now, but it still hurts.
I feel your pain; my sister of 60 years old wants to control everything and if she cant ‘win’ from me, she’ll drag her husband, our brother and his wife into the drama against me (im the youngest, 48). She makes up a story or reasons which justifice her actions, Meanwhile its the complete opposite. It has zero use to discuss it. Probably you’re the Black Sheep too. Be proud of it. Go no contact if you can. Gives so much peace of mind. And surround yourself with people who do appreciate you. With these toxic people i always think: grow up!! How old are you?! The mean thing is that for the outside world they can look oh so good etc, so that people think you’re the cause of all the problems. Very frustrating. Ill never get used to that because its so unfair.
@@ek9348I feel your pain too and I am really sorry. Sometimes it gets painful because we all live together. We are like adult children, arrested development (if thats the right term). We were getting along well (for the thousandth time) and then she needed attention. I am so trapped, sharing a room with her. The entire family is financially dependent on each other. Its a mess. Thank you for sharing your story. We are not alone. Hang in there the best you can 💕 ❤🙏
This is what my dad and his second wife do. They build up some bizarro-world level story to justify something to be anything other than what reality is and run with it no matter how fast and deep their story falls apart.
@@roxymovie3938 Heyy Roxy 🤗 I haven’t been able to complete the class yet, but there are many takeaways. The most important so far is being a mentor to our younger selves. Tell that inner child, “I hope I can gain your trust as I learn tools to heal. I will be your big person now.” Then theres the topic of ‘Intelligence = shame’ If I am intelligent or do well, bad things happen. Therefore we are emotionally abandoned. BUT, “Does my survival depend on them liking me?” Not really. Lol. Affirm to ourselves practical, firm boundaries. Ex: I have blocked __ on all social media. Abuse is under the radar for YEARS, then we receive invalidation from other people. There is a ‘dorsal response’ (frozen). So, now we want to: Recognize what area we want to move forward. Name it. Tune into the resistance or fear thats stopping us (its not safe, I’m afraid) where does it live in your body? Thirdly, how do we feel towards that part of us? 🎯 Step into the adult self and challenge the child/fear part. “I’m sorry you’re terrified”. Validate & acknowledge the parts. “You’ll get criticized or fall to pieces”. Think of what age you are speaking to. Ex: age 9. I can say, “I’m 53. My family is silly (downers). I talk to lovely, respectful people now.” In closing, there is more work to be done. I kind of rambled from my notes. Its a lot to take in but I am very grateful for the class and Dr. C. as always! I am also grateful for you Roxy and thank you for checking in with me. It means a lot. ❤️🤗💕🌺🌹
I was married to someone who and is a narcissist to me and I am a loving person but people don’t see me as a kind person I been putting up with verbal abuse and learning that the person that he was not who he is
Oh my classic!!! This was my ex husband. Mr Wonderful to his peers and customers who he chronically lied to and manipulated as a sales person. He was Projection and gaslighting pro! Hold up the mirror and let them see themselves for who they are! Impossible. No self reflection either……. Just self
Soon after meeting my last (NOW-EX!) home care clients, the older guy actually once asked his parter, "I'm supposed to trust HIM??" I wish I knew about narcissism back then. 3-1/2 years later, one day while a healthcare insurance rep came by, he started out yelling at me, "DON'T START!" Then he told her I was walking around with "a lot of anger". As she was just sitting down, I silently dismissed him with a gesture. He yelled loudly, "You are the RUDEST PERSON I've EVER MET!" and followed it up with, "AND-- YOU'RE NOT INTELLIGENT!" After she was done, I had a really nice, friendly chat with the lady on her way out of the building. She worried about my job, and wished me the best. It was about 3 months later that I got booted. I suspect in all that time, he was really looking for ANY EXCUSE to do so.
That insult would have gone over my head at one time. I'd heard the word, but assumed it was conceit or an overly large ego. If only I'd known then what I've learned now.
Remember that the narcissist already knows there’s something wrong & it’s probably been pointed out by someone else, so it’s pure projection… throwing personal shit & hoping it sticks to you!
Lindsay C Gibson's book mentions one person's suggestion of imagining yourself inside a thick glass jar, protected from the onslaught of words thrown at you. Maybe we can think of the mean person sort of inside a glass jar, so the words they say sort of stick with them, since in their projection they are really describing themselves. To keep calm, maybe a response of 'I learn from your comments' when we are falsely accused. We are not learning about ourselves. No need to take the false blame. But we are learning who they are. The complement might disarm them and slow them down, but of course caution is needed with our words. I was told several times 'you are trying to control me' when I just did not want the person to harm themself. This video is very helpful. As a final note, there is an episode of Star Trek the Next Generation about an Ambassador who essentially harms someone (several someones) by pouring his negativity into them so that he can calmly go into his negotiations. It is really profound and insightful, but also may be too much for some. The theme is timeless though
I remember that one lol! Grew up with trek lol. That was a pretty good episode. If I recall that person wasn't remorseful at all, they felt totally justified doing what they were doing bc it served the "greater good" (in his judgement).
Just want to say i cant thank you enough for devoting your time and knowldege to help the mental well being of others!! A true act of kindness! We are blessed to have people like you 😊
Wow I dissociated.. My understanding of what you said with projecting is that when they complain about whatever in us (lets use control as an example) that is what is wrong with them.. My thing is learning what the affects of growing up with that does on me.. My confession for the day is that I almost called a dangerous person because there is something that connects us.. I wanted to remove myself from it.. The root of my issues is the people-pleasing and trying to have a connection with a dangerous person.. I am making an issue out of something that is not an issue.. The thing that connects us is not an issue unless I bring it up.. I have choices about how I can work around it..
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for what you share. You have helped me understand so much about my mother and other family members and why I've felt so hopeless and helpless in trying to deal with life involving them. I was often told by my mother that I was the reason for everything that has gone wrong in her life, and the last time she told me that she added "it is too bad you lived." My mother had some very serious mental health issues and made life difficult for everyone in the family because she had to always have the last word and no matter what, even if you could prove she wasn't right, she was right about everything. Her philosophy was you never admit you're wrong even if you know you're wrong. That doesn't work. I have come to believe that in addition to her mental health issues she was a narcissist. Even as a small child her decisions didn't make any sense to me, so I learned at a very young age to just do things in a manner that worked the best for me and not say anything because she wouldn't know the difference - she was very insistent that everything had to be done her way or it was wrong; there was no compromise in her world. Thank you again for what you share. I'm relatively new to your site and value the information and guidance you share. Thank you again!
My brother tells me “you’re incapable of forgiveness” because I had to go no contact with my father after too much manipulation and too many rage attacks, particularly in the months following the birth of my son and death of my wife.
In short, they are experts in avoiding responsibility for the damage caused.
Yep!
In fact, they blame the person they are abusing!
Yes exactly
Narcissists such as you describe must be kept out of professions where they have power over vulnerable people, since they are abusive and since they are dominators and cannot see the humanity in others.
WHEN they wheedle and weasel their way into roles where they can get used to behaving tyrannically, and they have no supervisor, their lack of integrity can harm many people, one by one. . .
When they are sadistic to boot with their chosen scapegoat of the moment, what can one do?
and in the end if you get what you want , they want exactly the same shit. But then realize there’s other narcs that want it as well. So they outnarc each other
'Chronic simmering agitation '. Absolutely! All the time. It keeps you feeling anxious and alert every second you are in their presence.
Enemy camp
Having another in their presence is fundamental to the Narc so that they can avoid their own presence.
I was told that the reason he's simmering with anger is because of what I do (or don't do)
Micro-bullying is deflecting a thing with Narcissistic. Constant tension in victims will possibly lead to mental breakdown in victims
And it's exhausting!
Im teaching my grandson about these types of people. He is so full of kindness and empathy. I never want him to be abused by a narcissist.
Good for you. More kids need to learn about this!
They are so deceitful...so hard to spot them in the beginning, you start thinking they've got some kind of mental issue, and then feeling you can help him through your strong beliefs in God, but they even use that as a deceptive way to try to trick you further more...so sad to know how evilness overtakes such people. All I can do is pray that some day he will see His light!!!
He has to know how not to give to everyone
I feel this way about my Granson too. I think enrolling him in a good Marshall Arts class would also be helpful in protecting himself in this harsh world 🙏 ❤ 💥
There's no talking with a narcissist.
"With" is not their strong suit.
Have to agree with everything they say because ten out of ten they studied psychology
Like the old saying goes...... if U argue with a fool, there are two fools 😮😅
@@teresadvorak6145Good point! Thank you for that!!!!😊
Worse criminals ever. They destroy everyone's life.
Being called selfish by a narcissist is so annoying. The narcissist is calling you selfish to try and control you. Its to try and get you feeling down and guilty for something you didn't do. Its a lie and the narcissist knows it.
Story of my life w e
My covert narcissist sister began calling me selfish when I entered college many years ago. I was the only sibling to receive undergraduate & graduate degrees much to the resentment of both of my sisters. Both married early and started families but very aggressively bullied & harassed me to this day for making my education a priority.
They always call those who don't go along with their ideas," SELFISH " It is one of their Favorite arrows to throw at others.
Yes! And, of course, they are the selfish ones.
1. "I dislike how you try to control
me."
2. "Everything you do is just for
show."
3. "I can't get through to you ...
ever."
4. "You just want people to cater to
you."
5. "You have serious anger issues."
6. "I can't trust you - you are not
honest."
7. "You don't know people like I do."
or how bout this one "some people u just get...narc sil and she said sometimes I picture a different sil. So tired of her passive aggressive, projection, blame shirfting, and gaslighting, everything is a competition
Thanks so much, Roxy!!
For anyone who needs to see this:
Since they're projecting their traits onto you, and they are traits of people with NPD, aren't at least some of these things you might say to somebody with NPD?
This seems like a dangerous topic to me, and could further victimize people experiencing narcissistic abuse into thinking that they're the problem. Especially since narcissists often try to turn the table on you once they know you're onto them. They try to convince you that you're the actual narcissist, not them.
I'm so tired of the mindfxck with these people, always wondering whether you're the problem when, after years of them treating your feelings without regard and catching them in lies, while they treat you like a bank account, a cook, a maid, a taxi, etc whatever else they want or need from you without any concept of reciprocation, of course you're not going to be thrilled with them.
Everything they are projecting onto you is what they are guilty of themselves! Very sick individuals and they profess to be Christians! Nope!!!!🙄
jealousy, envy, irrationality, childishness, stubborness, grandiosity, conceit
you've described my entitled and mean sister-in-law ☹
And my husband of 29 years who just brutally discarded me. A true monster.
My narc mom and my toxic sisters
and deceit.
They can't handle anything difficult, then they project it onto you 📽
Yes, you are the (white) screen, and they are the (black) moviemaster ... and the outcome a disaster.🤯
@@roxymovie3938 The movie is weird and awful. Their lens is dirty or broken. The story is deflected. 😰
💯
They cant handle reality…
@@ek9348 So true. They bend the reality. It's always someone else's fault. 😧
I never cease to be amazed at the lengths that narcissists go to to cover up their own issues. Proverbs 28:13 He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.
Holy cow!! Yes!!
Yes, and Prov 16:6, only by truth and mercy is iniquity purged, and by the fear of the Lord is wisdom.
Amen to that!!! God bless and help us all on Team Healthy 🙏 . Thank God for Dr C and of course Gus too 😂❤😂
I’m not one for biblical references but that is spot on!
they are so self absorbed and self centered that when they are talking to you or about you it’s still just them thinking about themselves - more self centeredness but more subconsciously. Insane!
Master manipulators who accuse you of the very things they are guilty of! 30 years with a covert narcissist has made me an expert! Gratefully, that is in my rearview mirror!
When the narcisist keeps projecting their unresolved psychological turmoil simultaneously avoiding to take accountability and responsibility for their actions, we must radically accept that we are dealing with a person who lacks credibility and we should keep that thought in our mind every time we are forced to deal with that individual. Thank you for your invaluable help and support dr Carter.❤ God bless you❤
so good i can have boundaries and disengage from someone who is so sick, and stay away, have boundaries and rather choose safe enough people , im worth it , in a good way , were worth it :)
Thanks for your comments. Well said.
I may have to "radically accept" their horrible behavior, I don't have to like or support that behavior!
I dont think id describe it as turmoil. To them, its not turmoil. To us, we see it as turmoil- because we cant imagine being so depraved. But thats just how their brain is wired. What is turmoil to us is their natural state of being
Narcissism..the gift that keeps on TAKING
I have a family full of them, my father infected all of them, it's horrendous watching them all, non of them are real grown ups, but they all think its me so to speak. I have never had a real conversation EVER with any of them. I have plenty of real conversations with other people all the time, that's how you know the difference, between a normal person & a Narcissist Never share anything real with them, it's just ammo to them.
A real conversation is impossible because they are incapable of having one !
Talking to them is like talking to a rock. They just data collect so they know what buttons to push to get what they want. If all they talk about is their kids, their property, their house, their car, and condescend everything you have that's who you are talking to. Keep distance.
So sorry about your family situation that must be very difficult. 😢 You're absolutely right there is no talking to THEM!!! I have had better conversations with strangers. Thank you for your insight and take care. 🙏
P.S. I just wanted to mention a beautiful African Proverb. "Talking with one another is loving one another. " And narcs don't seem to be good at either one! So sad 😞
This is my narc mom. She's the matriarch of my toxic family and my toxic sisters. She passed away over 2 months ago. And, my whole family are either narcs themselves or her enablers. I'm a middle child, black sheep, and an empath. I feel isolated from my family. The only ones I care about are my 4 nephews (who are between the ages of 8 and 14). I worry about my nephews and how their moms (my toxic sisters) are raising them. I've started to go no contact (complete family estrangement) from my entire family since the beginning of this month (my birth month) to start a brand new life, but I will always love my nephews and worry about them. 😓
My narcissistic spouse of 29 years employs all of these tactics on the daily. Since I can't leave right now, these video are helping me stay sane. I was struggling before finding Dr. C's and Dr. Ramani's videos. Thank you! ❤
❤️🩹 same here ❤️🩹
I hope you can leave soon! 30 years is enough!
I think all projections eventually found their way back to their owners, let’s project positivity!
What a source of light 💛
Good perspective!!
@@robertruge2916right now I have choice to consider your counter question negative trying to challenge me like narcissist do, or consider you as a team healthy member and treat you with respect, because I want model respect and project what is inside me.
When I think of projecting positivity, I am reminded of sharing our perspectives with each other just like we're already doing in the comment section. I've seen such wonderful interactions here and in the live chats. It's like people feel free to share with others and feel like they belong and like they matter. People who have been narcissistically abused benefit from being reminded that they really do deserve to heal, to be understood, to be validated, all the things that narcissistic abuse tries to destroy in a target. Projecting positivity is what people do when they want mutual healing and building each other up. And so much more.
@@danielkaiser8971Thank you! So beautifully said ❤️
My narc could never get enough attention , always wanted more , he complained to me about everyone who was helping him wether it was in the garden or drive him to the hospital , no one could do it goid enough , insane !
Perfect summary: you're dealing with someone who is NOT credible.
Thank you, Dr
Carter❤
7 common projections 📽
1. I dislike how you try to control me
2. Everything you do is just for show
3. I can't get through to you...ever
4. You just want people to cater to you
5. You have serious anger issues
6. I can't trust you. you're not an honest person
7. You don't know people like I do
They deflect the truth replacing "I/me" with "you" 😮
My mom projected all her negative thinking on my head. Giving it the boot today. Complete B. S.
This is so spot-on. The mother of our daughters does all these things. As a rendition on, "I can't get through to you," and the final one, "You don't know how to relate to people, like I do," she combines the two wrapped in the tidy bow of an insult, "You're autistic," hurled bereft of any empathy. Never mind that I'm not autistic. Who would use that as an insult? A vile narcissist
My own daughter accused me of being autistic last year because the babies were crying, the radio was loud and it was raining and she was driving. I snapped because she is really good at ignoring everything. I can not. She said autistic people are sensitive to noise. I was shocked and didn’t say a word.
@@Iamthatchick I'm sorry this happened. You don't deserve it. The remark is also a version of, "You have mental problems," a favorite insult of narcs, often used when you give in to reactive narcissistic abuse (i.e., give them a taste of their own medicine or just simply get angry in reaction to their latest provocation)
Interesting that you were accused of being autistic... I was too, by a lawyer, after I had my children taken by their father when I called her for help.🤔🫂
@@rebekahjette6304 wow
My mother used to say CAROL YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE ( by the way I have been Emplyee of the month! and have True & loyal friends
I've been accused by my husband of all of 7 projections. I'm going to ask my attorney to watch this video before we go into the mediation phase of my divorce proceedings.
Ditto THIS!!
I'm doing the same with my sister as we head to court to settle my Dad's estate. It's comical, but sad, to listen to Dr. C here describe her behavior so accurately. I wish I had this info 30 years ago.
your gonna win. thank you for loving and honoring and respecting yourself that way. today. We are worth it .
@@AnnA-tu3ig -- my Home Care office doesn't seem aware of this problem, either!
I pray for the best for you 🙏 ❤
I'm a person in my fifties, and I know myself well enough that when my narcissistic ex-partner projected these things on me, she wasn't describing the way I really am. It took me longer to realize that she was really talking about herself. That realization was horrifying, because it's when I understood that she could not be reasoned with.
My absolute favorite:"You only think about yourself!"
Yep! When one is hurt from being ignored & treated like a non person & express that & try to engage in conversation to try to resolve...I always hear "It's all about you".
Narcissist have complete denial of awareness
Mine baited me into anger so often and so easily that my unspoken label in the family was "The Angry One." He told me, "Everybody is always walking on eggs around you." But he was the one everybody complained about as being "always such an a******."
When I left and started talking about it to friends, a whole lot of eyebrows went up. Across the board, friends, family, and coworkers all said I was easy-going and patient, easy to work and collaborate with, and generally a reassuring person to be around.
That's what two family narcs always said about me. I know it isn't true. I'm not perfect no doubt, but I know that is not how I am. I strive to be pleasant to be around and live with the great majority of the time. There are times I slip up and lose my cool like anyone else but I never go crazy and it's quite rare if and when that happens.
@YourCapybaraAmigo_17yrsago I've had to put distance between myself and my mother because she would flip out at me and then say I kept getting angry at her. The most spectacular was when she called me after my aunt visited and started right off yelling that I'd ruined the visit. I was pretty impressed by how much wreckage I'd caused, given that I wasn't around for most of it. I finally hung up on her. She promptly texted the spouse, and apparently she tried to talk to me, "but I said it wrong and now Suzanne's angry at me." Gee gosh golly, Batman, probably because I'd just gotten screamed at out of nowhere.
The next time we saw each other after an explosion - typically a week - I would get a hug and "I feel like I've gotten my daughter back." Apparently I stopped speaking to her when this sort of thing happened. That was news to me, although heaven knows I would have been justified.
The narcissist thinks he is perfect and nitpicks at me. Unreal!
@jackilynpyzocha662 Sometimes an accusation is as good as a confession.
Omg this is me.
It took YEARS for me to relax because I thought the me ppl got was masking the angry one my mother hated.
I spent YEARS believing I was broken and only pretended to be okay around ppl cuz my mother ONLY saw the anger and nasty attitude I never understood I was protecting.
Yet, none of my friends, my husband, nobody else saw that regularly. They literally only ever saw my anger when I was overwhelmed and disregulated - which was cuz I'm neurodivergent and had been undiagnosed my ENTIRE life.
I've been saying: "I found it to be quite theraputic!" as a universal response to a wide variety of scenarios for some time now, both in my head and out loud. e.g: "I found watching Gus snooze to be quite therapeutic."
☺️
🐶💤🤭
If Gus were human, he'd be my partner in my therapy practice.
Not quite the same thing... but, before I got booted from that TOXIC home care assignment, I wanted to respond just once to idiotic questions by saying... "Let me get one thing straight: I NEVER EXPLAIN ANYTHING!" (Julie Andrews in "Mary Poppins")
Once I realized both guys were "data collectors" to use against me later, I preferred NOT telling them anything more than seemed necessary.
I would add the paintings to that as well. Impressionist?
Projection can be described as...
...an unconscious act of not accepting one's own (inner world) feelings, thoughts, motivations, characteristics and placing them onto the outside - to somebody else.
...the basis for empathy.
...a defense mechanism of the ego (Sigmund Freud).
...the misapprehension that another person possesses a trait that they actually do not.
...a form of denial and splitting of the self.
...the opposite of introjection.
...a form of self-soothing in which one person's negative emotions and characteristics are transferred to another.
Perfect list 👍
Thank you, this is great insight.
We’re always mother
No. it's the opposite of 'the basis for empathy'.
@@myhalowithin Empathy is relating to other's feelings, thoughts, motivations, characteristics and placing them onto the inside - to oneself.
Every criticism the narc spews is a confession.
When it’s your fault you have no excuse, the rare occasion they say it’s their fault their excuse is it was actually your fault that it was their fault and still you have no excuse.
I think that young people are more barcissistic than old ones. I do not mean the personality but the way they think. When I think myself at the age 29, I was actually childish=narcissistic. When I now see workmates of that age I can realise that maybe I have grown and can see the bigger pickture, the needs of other people etc. More clearly than when I was younger. Life is a teacher!
They don't work, they just there to beat . Horrifying. They are just having fun.
As hurtful as they are …you have to see what they do!This is a brilliant explanation but sadly you have to be emotional abused to understand it. Thank you
It is like they are looking in a two-way mirror that is in front of their target. They think they are looking through a window at you, but they are really just describing what they see in a mirror. They are objecting to what they see in themselves, but cannot bear to see so it has to be attributed to you.
My older sibling, a hardcore narcissist, tried very hard to gaslight me into believing that I was a sociopath and mentally unstable. Good grief!! She pretty much insisted that everyone around her, (friends and relatives,) was either alcoholic or mentally unstable. She was projecting constantly.
They have a lot of people that help them. Last but not least they don't get fired or go to prison. I wonder why.
Only 7 today ....they are inexhaustible !
🎯❤️
I've had several narcs in my life. All these are spot on. To call them vermin is a discredit to all the cockroaches and rats out there.
What’s more is as introspective people we take what they say and look at it as if maybe it is true. Such a mind fudge
Yes this is true and this is what I have noticed as well. They refuse to grasp, understand, and acknowledge that they are only hurting themselves. ❤❤❤
That's their karma.
Thank you Jesus for this confirmation ✝️🌅🙏🏼
Amen and Amen 🙏 ❤
Mine goes into rages. Yelling,cursing, name calling, slamming doors.
Hubby and I have taken a much needed break from his family by going no contact for one year; and the level of peace & tranquility we're experiencing is so *wonderful* that we might decide to go another year, and so on .... they can leave us out of their need for drama since we enjoy a peaceful home :)
We have too. At first, I felt bad but that has changed and it feels right. It makes it easier to deal with unwanted behavior from others too. I'm not so quick to anger when my boundaries are disrespected. I'm learning to respectfully manage difficult encounters.
Yes, at first I felt bad. When my husband first proposed "no contact" I couldn't say Yes. But after I spoke to my therapist he said that I should take my husband up on his offer because he wants to "protect" me from their abuse. So glad I said ok :)
Here’s one- You stopped caring about me years ago
That's major.
I got that one too. He has been cheating on me and now that I won't forgive him, it's because I must not have loved him truly.
Great info, thank you Dr. C!
One of my 5 sisters-in-law, Annette, once said this to me during our first year of marriage ...
"You will never be accepted into this family, and I speak for all of my sisters."
Well, I was just heartbroken. Those words cut like a knife. Then, about 10 years later, another sister-in-law said this about her own sister Annette...
"No one is close to Annette!" ...and she said this in front of the family!
So I later realized that Annette was *projecting* her own pain onto me! Knowing that she was doing this helped me see her in a different way. Yes, those words she said to me still hurt, because I noticed my other sisters-in-law would ostracize me just like they did Annette, but at least I understood why Annette said that to me. Sometimes families can be so mean to their own. Whatever happened to unconditional love?
Unconditional love is pretty rare.
I think in general the problem is that people are ignorant when it comes to knowing how to love and their egos run their lives. Lots of people haven't learned humility and are very insecure. This manifests as fear that results in hurting others as a survival strategy. It's just very basic and unenlightened. The world is full of this as well as narcissism.
When I was growing up the church was an example to people of mature and humble values. Everyone went to church for the community interaction and for the belief of helping each other get through life. Those sources of spiritual wisdom and goodness have almost disappeared in the landscape of society. As that remains is shakey ethics that people only apply if it suits their purposes. There is no morality now let alone unconditional love. People love when it suits their selfish ego driven agendas and for no other reason. There is no loyalty or trustworthiness. Everyone can be bought for a price to do almost anything. We all chase the almighty dollar and love be damned. That is success means today in North America so don't look for unconditional love here. It's extinct.
@@leanne123 you're so right, it is so much like that now and that's a real shame, but I remind myself that even so, there are still many good people out there who genuinely care about others and how to be relatively mature kind people. We can't forget that decent well-meaning people are everywhere.
latest projection i dealt with>>>, the person kept saying i think to much and I generalized to much
I don't deserve the narcissistic abuse/abuser. I deserve better!
If a Narcissist cannot change your DNA to suit their narrative or suppress your Right of Freedom to make your own decisions they will rage and tantrum on repeat! Thankyou Team Healthy and Dr C! 😊
My response as someone who can see through their BS: I DON'T CARE.
One that I have had when I refused to be upset on Mothers Day when he walked out of lunch, was "you must really be loving this power ". I was just refusing to be baited.
If we can detach and see the big picture for what it is we don't have to be left feeling self defeated from the narcissists projections
Yes! 🎯 This is needed to move forward.
It's crazy because they call you a narcissist and tell you how bad you are and they can't wait to leave Lol so you end up getting what you want anyway because they really think that you are the narcissist .
every horrible thing they say to you or about you is how they see themselves. when you realize that, you can then begin to tell them you are sorry thats how they feel about themselves - perhaps they should seek counseling for that. it has given me freedom in leaps and bounds to be able to understand this. I am not the bad guy they say I am and their opinion of me does not matter. when you can get that kind of mental strength going on then you can walk away. and they cant hurt you ever again. not with your permission anyway. ❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥
Nobody can hurt you without your permission - so true 🎯❤
I am so upset that you don't trust me...(with big alligator tears) - the interesting thing is you can see them going from thing to thing that they think will get them what they want.
They think they can do no wrong they hurt abuse and then wonder you're upset they are evil beings
My narc ex used to tell me I was manic-depressive. Also told me I was the most even tempered person all the time no matter what the situation was, so which is it?? My fav was when he insisted I had a boyfriend. No, nopity nope I didn't. Guess who did cheat though???
Bingo! 🎯
Thank you for this. How much suffering could this knowledge save save if known? I've spent my life confused by self blame. Such a relief to finally put my finger on what I could not name.
Don’t a lot of them have analytical thinking, such as in their jobs, but not in relationships?
My ex narc considered himself analytical and logical. He wasn't!
yeah they analyze others, not themselves. my late narc mother-in-law kept me under a microscope and she was always finding fault with me--but there was nothing wrong with her because she was older & wiser lol.
Narcissism is a disorder of the "personality", so the intelligence or analytical thinking is not related. One narcissist could be highly intelligent with strong analytical skills, while another narcissist could be unintelligent with no analytical skills -- just like anyone and everyone else. However, a narcissist will probably want you to believe they are the most intelligent and skilled with analytical thinking, whether they are or not.
"We can do things the easy way (my way) or the hard way. Your choice." says the narc every day.
My Narcissistic mother told the lady i was dating that i was emotionally unstable!!
Well she was right.... she caused it.
Wish my ex was as aware as you, his narcissist mom was a main reason he discarded me
Be like Gus !
A light 💡 bulb went off with number 1. I can’t tell you the number of times he accused me of being a control freak. Why is it wrong to want peace and harmony? Gaining so much insight and knowledge from you, Dr. C. Thank you.
Interestingly, that's why I made that point the first one.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I realized those 2 lunatic home care clients were control freaks from the beginning. IF ONLY I knew about "Narcissism" back then.
With people like that, standing up for yourself only makes things WORSE!
Step four of the 12 step program: Made a searching & fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Do you think they do? Nope. Also, You don't have to be in this program to understand that step either.
So accurate!
Thank you for all that you do. It's truly remarkable 😊🐶
This is totally my life with a narcissistic husband. Thank you for helping me understand.
Our family narcissist told me that I was controlling, manipulative, and power hungry. After that I went no contact. At the time I asked her if she could talk a little bit about what I had done that had her feeling that way and she couldn't think of anything. She then sent her friend to let me know what a horrible person I was and when I said I was happy to discuss this matter with her, she never contacted me again. It has been several years now and the narcissist is still in very limited contact with two of our mutual family members. She asks them every time she talks with them to get me to call her. She loves and misses me so much. I just laugh now about it, but I sure didn't at the time that she said those things to me.
She misses having an easy target to ABUSE, more like it.
I completely agree. She doesn't really know me. She only knows how she would like to use me for her own purposes. @@henrykujawa4427
I once asked my brother what I had done that made him hate me. He didn't really have an answer. He just did. My stepfather had made me a scapegoat when I was 16 and my brother was 14. That is where he learned to disrespect me. He didn't know why the stepfather was always being verbally abusive to me but he believed I must have deserved it. He was 14 and impressionable. He believed in and trusted this man. He became just like him and continued the scapegoating of me after the stepfather was dead. The hatred and disrespect of me was sewn into him and he doesn't even know the reason why he feels this way towards me. He just does. He assumes all kinds of terrible stuff and projects it on me. He has convinced himself that I am a horrible person deserving of disdain although he can't name one reason. Just that the stepfather thought so, so it must be true. Nothing can change his mind. No proof or evidence to the contrary can shake his belief. He has been so utterly convinced and her can't see the insanity of his thinking. He has also now convinced his wife. Such a strange phenomenon. I can see his inner emotional pain and he is addicted to alcohol. But he denies all fault and judges others constantly.
I noticed that she "asks you to call her" instead of announcing she will make the call herself. A furthering of ... not taking responsibility. A hallmark of the way the narc operates in situations where they are at fault.
I can identify with your situation. Reconnecting to a narcissistic person does not heal the damage already done. I am glad you can see her for who she is. My mother had diagnosed mental health issues plus I've come to realize she was also narcissistic; not a good combination and I had to step away. I'm glad you have distanced yourself.
With the two narcs in my life (family of course) their whole game is about having absolute control and authority over everything. It does not matter if they are talking out of their ass and getting called out on it.
They will just keep rebuilding their story to account for the ever more absurd excuses they have to use to justify that they are right about everything, even when it is dead obvious they are completely in over their heads and have zero real-world working knowledge of a topic.
Thank you for this, Dr. Carter. This is so accurate. My ex narc used all of these. His favorite go tos were selfish and controlling. The selfishness is also tied to their double-standard, denial of another’s needs and lack of empathy. I should’ve heeded the red flags when we were dating - he called all of his exes selfish. The controlling comment underscores their utter inability to collaborate and communicate about even the most mundane topics (eg emptying the dishwasher). They will never introspect, never learn, and never change.
I'm very interested in what these projections are. According to my ex narc, I'm responsible for almost everything that goes wrong.
Oooh. You got an "almost."
💯 Too true! I relate lol 😆 Sad, but oh, so true 🎯
Nothing is ever their fault!
That is such a perfect snapshot of what I'm currently dealing with. The kicker? They're a therapist.
Identity exchange
They attach their traits to you
And claim yours as their own
Reverse perverse 💥
The kingdom of darkness is an inversion to God's kingdom as the enemy can't create. He can only steal kill and destroy.
# it's spiritual
Projecting your problems on someone else is a major cop out to your own defects of character. If a person doesn't have personal insight or self awareness you probably won't be able to help them especally if they don't have a conscience. Let them know your thoughts and beliefs differ from theirs and in no way would you change them for them or anyone else.
Amen, Amen to all of this!!!! Our culture as a whole these days! One indicator of this is the fact that when we were young we were always taking pictures of others and things but now they are taking pictures of themselves continually.
No selves taking selfies for self-supply 😅 Good observation 👍
To them you have to be a limitless atm machine without a pin number
It's so ironic that the narcissist lacks introspection, yet so quickly points out another person's shortcoming (should they have the misfortune of exposing it to the narcissist).
Thank you, Dr. Carter for educating and enlightening your followers. We are truly grateful. As your fellow colleague once said, "Lying and denying.....projection and deflection," is their game. Praise the Lord for deliverance from these individuals.🕊️
Yes, lying and denying, then projection and deflection, it makes it difficult to understand when it's your own parent.
I was told often that I was angry and unable to trust. Yet friends and family that have known me all of the life would not call me an angry person but the friends and family of my former husband would say he had been angry. He left me feeling confused about myself. I now know this was projection, it all makes sense to me now
The last words my NPD mother said to me in person were a tearful (likely for herself), "Your father did this."
I believe she sensed I was cutting the family off, and unconsciously confessed (by projection) how her life was ruined.
Hi Doc
I left my husband of 15 years, 23 years ago. Things got physically abusive when I started to dig in my heels. Got help, etc, etc. But the nightmares wouldnt quit.
At 63, time to deal with it. Therapist recommended (another) UA-camr; found you instead.
Holy cr@p, the pieces are falling into place faster than a high-speed Scrabble Game.
(Joyful fist-bump!). 🥰
Glad you stumbled upon this channel. Best wishes to you, Deborah!
What I like when they take on your past and claim to have experienced the things you have or repeat back to you everything you brought to their attention, always turn everything back on you. No ending or solution to anything.
The absolute biggest problem these maligned people create, is our children!!!
As a father of 7 millennials, I am seeing this behavior in three of our children, 1st middle and last!
Thank you for helping us see Dr.C!
Peace.
the parents damaging the child is what creates narcissism. when i see comments about parents complaining their children are narcissists, i am highly skeptical
@@rob_see I suspect the original comment might be referring to the effect of narcissism on children by external environments and/or people outside of the immediate family.
@@danielkaiser8971 im not sure, you may be right but the initial comment is extremely ambiguous and seems to imply that his children just became narcissists despite his parenting
Yes ... when I saw it in the children it was incredibly painful, so so painful to witness. Nothing is the same since.
@@rob_seebe skeptical all you want…it’s not about YOU btw…there are many influential factors in children’s lives…there is also biology/genetics, different family statuses, ect ect…
BTW, black and white thinking, such as YOURS, is a character trait of narcissism 😂🤪
I do 99.9% of the housework and cooking in my house and do a great job at it. I’m a very organized and motivated person. My husband often says that he does everything around the house and I don’t pull my weight. It’s so far from the truth and I’ve come to the conclusion that he might be feeling like he doesn’t pitch in enough and projecting it onto me. I’ve also thought maybe I work so hard around the home that it’s making him insecure because he can’t keep up. Or maybe it’s just another tactic to gaslight me.
I think a major form of projection is mind-reading, where the abuser will dictate what other people think in order to belittle and berate them and claim victimhood for themselves. It works by putting the target on the defensive, trying to counter false claims that the abuser has effectively made unfalsifiable. Rather than being drawn into to trying to defend yourself against the claim, it's much better to be able to spot it quickly and directly unmask the irrationality of unfalsifiable and abusive assertions about what other people secretly think.
What they are really doing is rewriting their own thoughts and attitudes by flipping characters around to hang them as accusations off other people. It is possible to use this to reverse the attack by putting the claim back where it belongs: with them. I suppose this is a reflection of immaturity, in that they haven't properly differentiated as individuals, which you've spoken insightfully about a number of times before.
I think projection occurs because these kinds of people are unable to comprehend other people very well, so they just assume that everyone is the same internally as they are.
Thank you, you are a wonderful teacher. Spending some time alone with just you and God. God will guide us to truth. What things we do that are wrong. God will let us know how to work in those things from a loving place. To make us better but not as the narssesist does. Witch is to destroy us. The love isn't there. Thank you my friend . Best to you, Dave
Anyone ever be accused of liking to argue when setting boundaries, expressing feelings, or challenging a harmfully biased statement?
When my 50 year old narc sister is overly stressed, she creates a pretend argument, tells our parents what I “did”, then she gets attention and whatever else she needs. I get shunned. All of these ‘tools’ are used by her. I “get it” now, but it still hurts.
I feel your pain; my sister of 60 years old wants to control everything and if she cant ‘win’ from me, she’ll drag her husband, our brother and his wife into the drama against me (im the youngest, 48). She makes up a story or reasons which justifice her actions, Meanwhile its the complete opposite. It has zero use to discuss it. Probably you’re the Black Sheep too. Be proud of it. Go no contact if you can. Gives so much peace of mind. And surround yourself with people who do appreciate you. With these toxic people i always think: grow up!! How old are you?! The mean thing is that for the outside world they can look oh so good etc, so that people think you’re the cause of all the problems. Very frustrating. Ill never get used to that because its so unfair.
@@ek9348I feel your pain too and I am really sorry. Sometimes it gets painful because we all live together. We are like adult children, arrested development (if thats the right term). We were getting along well (for the thousandth time) and then she needed attention. I am so trapped, sharing a room with her. The entire family is financially dependent on each other. Its a mess. Thank you for sharing your story. We are not alone. Hang in there the best you can 💕 ❤🙏
Bunny ❤ wondering how your inner child workshop was...the part of us that needs soothing to feel loved and accepted ❤🫂
This is what my dad and his second wife do. They build up some bizarro-world level story to justify something to be anything other than what reality is and run with it no matter how fast and deep their story falls apart.
@@roxymovie3938 Heyy Roxy 🤗 I haven’t been able to complete the class yet, but there are many takeaways. The most important so far is being a mentor to our younger selves. Tell that inner child, “I hope I can gain your trust as I learn tools to heal. I will be your big person now.”
Then theres the topic of ‘Intelligence = shame’ If I am intelligent or do well, bad things happen. Therefore we are emotionally abandoned. BUT, “Does my survival depend on them liking me?” Not really. Lol.
Affirm to ourselves practical, firm boundaries. Ex: I have blocked __ on all social media.
Abuse is under the radar for YEARS, then we receive invalidation from other people. There is a ‘dorsal response’ (frozen). So, now we want to:
Recognize what area we want to move forward. Name it.
Tune into the resistance or fear thats stopping us (its not safe, I’m afraid) where does it live in your body? Thirdly, how do we feel towards that part of us?
🎯 Step into the adult self and challenge the child/fear part. “I’m sorry you’re terrified”. Validate & acknowledge the parts. “You’ll get criticized or fall to pieces”. Think of what age you are speaking to. Ex: age 9. I can say, “I’m 53. My family is silly (downers). I talk to lovely, respectful people now.”
In closing, there is more work to be done. I kind of rambled from my notes. Its a lot to take in but I am very grateful for the class and Dr. C. as always! I am also grateful for you Roxy and thank you for checking in with me. It means a lot. ❤️🤗💕🌺🌹
I was married to someone who and is a narcissist to me and I am a loving person but people don’t see me as a kind person I been putting up with verbal abuse and learning that the person that he was not who he is
Oh my classic!!! This was my ex husband. Mr Wonderful to his peers and customers who he chronically lied to and manipulated as a sales person. He was Projection and gaslighting pro!
Hold up the mirror and let them see themselves for who they are! Impossible. No self reflection either……. Just self
Thank you 🙏
Look 👀 ( 👀 looking ) forward
In Thanksgiving: ( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: thank you 😊
Soon after meeting my last (NOW-EX!) home care clients, the older guy actually once asked his parter, "I'm supposed to trust HIM??" I wish I knew about narcissism back then.
3-1/2 years later, one day while a healthcare insurance rep came by, he started out yelling at me, "DON'T START!" Then he told her I was walking around with "a lot of anger". As she was just sitting down, I silently dismissed him with a gesture. He yelled loudly, "You are the RUDEST PERSON I've EVER MET!" and followed it up with, "AND-- YOU'RE NOT INTELLIGENT!"
After she was done, I had a really nice, friendly chat with the lady on her way out of the building. She worried about my job, and wished me the best. It was about 3 months later that I got booted. I suspect in all that time, he was really looking for ANY EXCUSE to do so.
The first projection onto me was that I was the narcissist. That came EARLY on. I was thinking "What? What is going on.". 😏
That insult would have gone over my head at one time. I'd heard the word, but assumed it was conceit or an overly large ego. If only I'd known then what I've learned now.
Remember that the narcissist already knows there’s something wrong & it’s probably been pointed out by someone else, so it’s pure projection… throwing personal shit & hoping it sticks to you!
Lindsay C Gibson's book mentions one person's suggestion of imagining yourself inside a thick glass jar, protected from the onslaught of words thrown at you. Maybe we can think of the mean person sort of inside a glass jar, so the words they say sort of stick with them, since in their projection they are really describing themselves.
To keep calm, maybe a response of 'I learn from your comments' when we are falsely accused. We are not learning about ourselves. No need to take the false blame. But we are learning who they are. The complement might disarm them and slow them down, but of course caution is needed with our words.
I was told several times 'you are trying to control me' when I just did not want the person to harm themself. This video is very helpful.
As a final note, there is an episode of Star Trek the Next Generation about an Ambassador who essentially harms someone (several someones) by pouring his negativity into them so that he can calmly go into his negotiations. It is really profound and insightful, but also may be too much for some. The theme is timeless though
I remember that one lol! Grew up with trek lol. That was a pretty good episode. If I recall that person wasn't remorseful at all, they felt totally justified doing what they were doing bc it served the "greater good" (in his judgement).
Just want to say i cant thank you enough for devoting your time and knowldege to help the mental well being of others!! A true act of kindness! We are blessed to have people like you 😊
You're quite welcome!
I've noticed that all the things he accuses me of, are all the things that he is
"Thinly veiled confession' --spot on doc
My late stepfather told me that I was a difficult person and a taker.
My narcissist husband fussed at me afterwards for talking to my grandparents during our visit to my grandparents.
Wow I dissociated.. My understanding of what you said with projecting is that when they complain about whatever in us (lets use control as an example) that is what is wrong with them..
My thing is learning what the affects of growing up with that does on me.. My confession for the day is that I almost called a dangerous person because there is something that connects us.. I wanted to remove myself from it.. The root of my issues is the people-pleasing and trying to have a connection with a dangerous person.. I am making an issue out of something that is not an issue.. The thing that connects us is not an issue unless I bring it up.. I have choices about how I can work around it..
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for what you share. You have helped me understand so much about my mother and other family members and why I've felt so hopeless and helpless in trying to deal with life involving them. I was often told by my mother that I was the reason for everything that has gone wrong in her life, and the last time she told me that she added "it is too bad you lived." My mother had some very serious mental health issues and made life difficult for everyone in the family because she had to always have the last word and no matter what, even if you could prove she wasn't right, she was right about everything. Her philosophy was you never admit you're wrong even if you know you're wrong. That doesn't work. I have come to believe that in addition to her mental health issues she was a narcissist. Even as a small child her decisions didn't make any sense to me, so I learned at a very young age to just do things in a manner that worked the best for me and not say anything because she wouldn't know the difference - she was very insistent that everything had to be done her way or it was wrong; there was no compromise in her world. Thank you again for what you share. I'm relatively new to your site and value the information and guidance you share. Thank you again!
Conmen on the make & you’re their mark because you deserve it!
My brother tells me “you’re incapable of forgiveness” because I had to go no contact with my father after too much manipulation and too many rage attacks, particularly in the months following the birth of my son and death of my wife.