They can somehow make you feel real stupid. I don't think they are smart, but I think they have a degree of intelligence which they use to manipulate. Another great lesson.
Part of their "intelligence" is that they simply don't care how other people feel. Most of us could more intelligently manipulate other people, but we simply don't think manipulating people is a good thing. Lying to other people isn't a sign of intelligence. It's just taking advantage of people that don't think there is any reason to lie about anything. Once we realize a person is a liar we typically jettison them from the cargo hold.
They will often help you out, by saying something like, “I’ve always treated you with respect,” or, “I’ve always been concerned about your safety”. It’s an added layer of gaslighting.
The love bombing stage is what hooks you!! And it hooks you deeply!! It’s such a powerful tool for the narc and they know exactly what to say and do based on their knowledge of you your personality your beliefs etc
Part of me flipped back and forth between he’d bad for me and he’s good for me and it was so cohesive with “I’m enough” and “I’m not enough”. He kept a really good balance knowing that when he gave me so much validation it was a fine line between okay I’m good enough to leave him and I’m only good enough for specifically him. It was total battle in my brain 24/7 trying to figure out if I was good enough in reality and deciding he was the reason I felt terrible about myself ever since I was with him. I remember getting clarity once and I told him “I think you’re the reason why I feel this way, I think it’s YOU who makes me feel terrible about myself”. And I’d get that clarity after he lashed out critical things about my personality, rather than appearance. And then he told me “no I think it’s YOU who has problems with yourself and it’s not because of me”. And then started being sweet to me again. And when he was sweet towards me I’d be in a spiral of “I need to be enough for this guy in dating”. And it was just a terrible cycle and every time it cycled my insecurity and my belief that there was something wrong with ME got so much worse.
My dad always made me feel like I wasn’t enough because of my weight. He’d always compare me to my skinny older sister. When I started dating my ex who is very toxic he treated me like I was the greatest things since sliced bread and finally made me feel like I was “perfect”, which is what I had been striving for since I can remember. We started eating a ton of fast food and I gained about 40 pounds. This totally consumed me and made me completely insecure because of my weight. He would tell me that I could be 200 pounds and I’d still look great, but I attributed his words to feeling like I could only feel like enough to HIM, even thought I was brutally insecure from his harsh words. I stayed with him for a long time feeling like he’d be the only one to accept me. Food has always been an addiction and a struggle for me. I think he knew that along with my feelings of not feeling good enough if I was overweight. Instead of criticizing my weight he totally enabled it purposely so that I’d gain weight and stay trapped with him.
Yep that's what they do...Use your weaknesses against you! & Then make you feel like they are there for you etc so you need them (enforces trauma bond) & then when things aren't going their way they use the same things to cause pain & completely break you Down
Oh my gosh, Michele! I just had a very similar conversation with my therapist about just this subject! Cognitive dissonance and my continuing struggles with PTSD! Thank you so much! This video is very very reinforcing! 💞🕊
Great video Michele. It really helped me put my past in perspective. I also really liked the "no shame in having had this done to you" caveat. I wish we could educate the entire population in cognitive dissonance considering what's going on in the world today.
@@bethmoore7722 I think you are right, my dad was physically abusive, and I have forgiven him, of course he passed years ago. In fact, I miss my parents both deceased now. I'll never miss that narcissist.
Something that happened to me was before I got into that toxic relationship I’d say for about 8 months right before i began dating him I was in the most peaceful and genuinely happy place I had ever been in in my life by a long shot. And for the majority of our relationship I 100% believed that I had all of these issues to fix and that he was not the issue. I ruminated for so long about how come I feel so differently and terrible now? And for months I planted a belief in myself that because I had peaked in my life right before we got together, I believed that getting better than I ever have been before just meant that it would cause a terrible downfall. Like with weight if you lose a bunch of weight at once and keep it off for a while how most people gain it all back plus more, I thought that’s what happened to me emotionally. So it completely instilled this fear in me about getting better. I still struggle with that and it’s like a push and pull emotionally with me. Even though now I know my downfall was because of him I still struggle with the fear of getting better and rising up emotionally because I worry it’ll make bad things come. I especially struggle with it because just like I had no idea what hit me when he came along before, what if it happens again? What if I get a lot better now and it just makes me vulnerable to another person secretly destroying me? I logically know that it isn’t true but I still feel that emotional caution to getting better as much as I can. I only let myself creep up and get better little by little emotionally everyday now because I worry if I give it my all I’ll just come crashing down again. Could you do a video go help with this? Although this was a personal and specific scenario that happened with me but I think the advice would be beneficial for a lot of us.
Oh WOW, Michele, I have heard many life coaches, therapists, Dr., Ministers on line to be healed. Much gratitude to them all. You are gorgeous! You have thrived and blossomed so much since a few years ago. You have always been gifted with wisdom about all you teach. God Bless you, Michele! 🌹🥀💐🌻🌼🦋🥰🌈🙏
It’s weird how you frame it as if like a person is consciously or strategically just doing this …… (Majority people don’t understand human interaction that well to purposely engrain this level of confusion into someone)…… the worst part is it’s unconscious so they’re not aware or even if they are aware to an extent they don’t comprehend the significance of the impact they are having. But other than that there’s no better explanation breakdown of what this dissonance does to you than what I’ve seen here 👏🏾
honestly michele, these are like horror stories we lived, your video titled am i the narcissist almost saved my life then and many other helpful resources similar to yours
I kept seeing this in my UA-cam feed and so I finally watched today. But before that I had an epiphany that the reason I'm upset all the time I'd because I expect him to love me, but the reality is he just won't. Cognitive dissonance!
The part about going to the therapist and saying "there is something wrong with me"...exactly that 100%. The covert narcissist is the most dangerous type because the cognitive dissonance is so thorough.
OMG the reality and enormity of abuse for 40 + years is now telling. I blamed myself and all the 5 points you made are truth. I am so glad I've now filed for divorce the impact runs deep. I am in therapy and will seek to heal my nervous system when i am ready. I hope we all get ti heal and free from this hell
Thank you soooooooooo much! Very helpful to understand what happened to me and the symptoms of the trauma of the narcissist abuse! On my way to recovery 🎉🎉🎉
Very good analysis . Example/analogy : How can my mother sabotage my life ? She loves me , there must some thing wrong with me , it must be all my fault, I am not good enough. At 9:46 narcs can sense when you are at the detachment point and reverse it on you, excellent observation/analysis 100% correct.
This topic links to a related topic.... Narcissism and the Self-Help Industry, which often teaches that cognitive dissonance is a good way to motivate yourself.
Tuesdays are at 4 p.m. EDT - may be at 1 p.m. EDT in January -these are recorded for those that cannot make them live. The Friday meetings are at 4 P.M. EDT EFT (emotional freedom technique) Sessions where we re-train the nervous system. These meetings are not recorded Sunday meetings are at 4:00 p.m. EDT and they are breathwork sessions - we do a particular kind of breathwork where the theory behind this type of breathwork is that it lessens the volume of your Default Mode Network (which acts as a restraint on your limbic network) and since the limbic network is where your brain stores trauma - the breathwork allows you to bring up what needs to be processed so that you can release the trauma from the body!! These sessions are also not recorded.
I'd just like to thank the powers that be for never allowing me to completely lose my sense of self. Once my narc ex started flipping from nice to unpleasant week after week, whilst I did experience overwhelming anxiety, part of me always was sat back thinking "What the hell is going on? I've done nothing wrong". That part of me never went away and in the last 3 months I became even more aware of what she was doing. That part of me got stronger and I left the relationship a week ago. I can feel that this video alone has healed me alot by just watching it once - Thank you!
Michelle, hello! I am still searching for an old video you posted, I don t quite remember the title, but it was more or less "20 signs you are in a toxic relation". That video saved my life 3 years ago. Where can I find it? It disappeared from your list of videos... Thank you so much
Your content never fails. I appreciate the vast amount of knowledge you have bestowed upon me and my fellow recoverers of narc abuse. I e appreciate it.
Yeah this seems to be going on. I wanted to keep it going until a certain point but that may not be the best thing for me, might be better to cut it off before we get our daughters back.
Or our biggest cognitive dissonance in life… “I love animals” while eating a steak and egg breakfast. And before you say anything, this isn’t about vegan, vegetarian or any other eating choice. It’s literally believing you love animals while engaging in the consumption of them. This is trauma as well. As children we are taught to love animals including farm animals. The cow say MOO the pig say OINK the duck says QUACK. The drawings are cute and loveable. If you’ve read Charlotte’s Web, you are shown to cheer for the little pig. Then you have bacon for breakfast and nobody tell you its the same animal. Then you get older and you’ve got a huge wall between the two things you’ve been taught. I always felt betrayed by my parents for feeding me the same things they were teaching me to love. Sick really.
I've gotten to the point where I feel like I'm the narcissist, I've gone crazy 😢
They can somehow make you feel real stupid. I don't think they are smart, but I think they have a degree of intelligence which they use to manipulate. Another great lesson.
Part of their "intelligence" is that they simply don't care how other people feel. Most of us could more intelligently manipulate other people, but we simply don't think manipulating people is a good thing. Lying to other people isn't a sign of intelligence. It's just taking advantage of people that don't think there is any reason to lie about anything. Once we realize a person is a liar we typically jettison them from the cargo hold.
No , like carmen briant says ( its the smartest stupid people you will ever come across )
Snake oil salesmen _ the ponzi pizza man
They will often help you out, by saying something like, “I’ve always treated you with respect,” or, “I’ve always been concerned about your safety”. It’s an added layer of gaslighting.
🎉so true
The love bombing stage is what hooks you!! And it hooks you deeply!! It’s such a powerful tool for the narc and they know exactly what to say and do based on their knowledge of you your personality your beliefs etc
Habius Corpus ®
OMG. This explains my life. This makes me sick, but I'm glad to finally be getting the truth.
Part of me flipped back and forth between he’d bad for me and he’s good for me and it was so cohesive with “I’m enough” and “I’m not enough”. He kept a really good balance knowing that when he gave me so much validation it was a fine line between okay I’m good enough to leave him and I’m only good enough for specifically him. It was total battle in my brain 24/7 trying to figure out if I was good enough in reality and deciding he was the reason I felt terrible about myself ever since I was with him. I remember getting clarity once and I told him “I think you’re the reason why I feel this way, I think it’s YOU who makes me feel terrible about myself”. And I’d get that clarity after he lashed out critical things about my personality, rather than appearance. And then he told me “no I think it’s YOU who has problems with yourself and it’s not because of me”. And then started being sweet to me again. And when he was sweet towards me I’d be in a spiral of “I need to be enough for this guy in dating”. And it was just a terrible cycle and every time it cycled my insecurity and my belief that there was something wrong with ME got so much worse.
Classic love bomb devalue discard repeat 🚩🚩🚩
My dad always made me feel like I wasn’t enough because of my weight. He’d always compare me to my skinny older sister. When I started dating my ex who is very toxic he treated me like I was the greatest things since sliced bread and finally made me feel like I was “perfect”, which is what I had been striving for since I can remember. We started eating a ton of fast food and I gained about 40 pounds. This totally consumed me and made me completely insecure because of my weight. He would tell me that I could be 200 pounds and I’d still look great, but I attributed his words to feeling like I could only feel like enough to HIM, even thought I was brutally insecure from his harsh words. I stayed with him for a long time feeling like he’d be the only one to accept me. Food has always been an addiction and a struggle for me. I think he knew that along with my feelings of not feeling good enough if I was overweight. Instead of criticizing my weight he totally enabled it purposely so that I’d gain weight and stay trapped with him.
Yep that's what they do...Use your weaknesses against you! & Then make you feel like they are there for you etc so you need them (enforces trauma bond) & then when things aren't going their way they use the same things to cause pain & completely break you Down
5:00
8:45
Can codependent parents cause the same effekt?
Now I understand what I went through....Thank you...
Oh my gosh, Michele! I just had a very similar conversation with my therapist about just this subject! Cognitive dissonance and my continuing struggles with PTSD! Thank you so much! This video is very very reinforcing! 💞🕊
Awesome!! Glad to hear it!!
Great video Michele. It really helped me put my past in perspective. I also really liked the "no shame in having had this done to you" caveat. I wish we could educate the entire population in cognitive dissonance considering what's going on in the world today.
The Spell of Cognitive Dissonance
My Ex-Narcissist never hit me. But the verbal abuse, he had a degree in social work and psychology he knew how to mind FUK me !
That may be the worst, and it’s been a lot harder to get past the damage it caused.
@@bethmoore7722 I think you are right, my dad was physically abusive, and I have forgiven him, of course he passed years ago. In fact, I miss my parents both deceased now. I'll never miss that narcissist.
It seems that when your in the Black Forest _ you can't see the forest for the trees _ and the therapists are unbelieve_ably Blind Deaf and Dumb.
Something that happened to me was before I got into that toxic relationship I’d say for about 8 months right before i began dating him I was in the most peaceful and genuinely happy place I had ever been in in my life by a long shot. And for the majority of our relationship I 100% believed that I had all of these issues to fix and that he was not the issue. I ruminated for so long about how come I feel so differently and terrible now? And for months I planted a belief in myself that because I had peaked in my life right before we got together, I believed that getting better than I ever have been before just meant that it would cause a terrible downfall. Like with weight if you lose a bunch of weight at once and keep it off for a while how most people gain it all back plus more, I thought that’s what happened to me emotionally. So it completely instilled this fear in me about getting better. I still struggle with that and it’s like a push and pull emotionally with me. Even though now I know my downfall was because of him I still struggle with the fear of getting better and rising up emotionally because I worry it’ll make bad things come. I especially struggle with it because just like I had no idea what hit me when he came along before, what if it happens again? What if I get a lot better now and it just makes me vulnerable to another person secretly destroying me? I logically know that it isn’t true but I still feel that emotional caution to getting better as much as I can. I only let myself creep up and get better little by little emotionally everyday now because I worry if I give it my all I’ll just come crashing down again. Could you do a video go help with this? Although this was a personal and specific scenario that happened with me but I think the advice would be beneficial for a lot of us.
Thank you so much Michele! You are saving people’s lives!
Sadly a good therapist is impossible to find
Oh WOW, Michele, I have heard many life coaches, therapists, Dr., Ministers on line to be healed. Much gratitude to them all. You are gorgeous! You have thrived and blossomed so much since a few years ago. You have always been gifted with wisdom about all you teach. God Bless you, Michele! 🌹🥀💐🌻🌼🦋🥰🌈🙏
I'm working for a narc. The cognitive dissonance is awful. I've thinking of quiting. Like giving my 2 weeks notice tomorrow
Do it! I regret not doing it sooner
Hope you made out great! 👍
I think this applies to Event 201 as well. 🤔
It’s weird how you frame it as if like a person is consciously or strategically just doing this …… (Majority people don’t understand human interaction that well to purposely engrain this level of confusion into someone)…… the worst part is it’s unconscious so they’re not aware or even if they are aware to an extent they don’t comprehend the significance of the impact they are having.
But other than that there’s no better explanation breakdown of what this dissonance does to you than what I’ve seen here 👏🏾
Constant fluctuation between being nice n nasty... Good/ bad... Hot/ cold... First, they drive you crazy... Then, they call you crazy..!!?!
I remember that ufo story. Thanks for your insight.
I never heard of this before, but it describes my relationships exactly. Thank you for this video
You are a good teacher..
100% Michele. My mom sows doubt and makes me question my thought processes ALL the time. Nothing is never good enough for her....
honestly michele, these are like horror stories we lived, your video titled am i the narcissist almost saved my life then and many other helpful resources similar to yours
I kept seeing this in my UA-cam feed and so I finally watched today. But before that I had an epiphany that the reason I'm upset all the time I'd because I expect him to love me, but the reality is he just won't. Cognitive dissonance!
The part about going to the therapist and saying "there is something wrong with me"...exactly that 100%. The covert narcissist is the most dangerous type because the cognitive dissonance is so thorough.
OMG the reality and enormity of abuse for 40 + years is now telling. I blamed myself and all the 5 points you made are truth. I am so glad I've now filed for divorce the impact runs deep. I am in therapy and will seek to heal my nervous system when i am ready. I hope we all get ti heal and free from this hell
This is the most helpful UA-cam video I’ve ever seen in my whole life like everything just now clicked for me
Yea. My therapist thought I was the problem!!!😢
Cognitive dissonance is how they convince themselves there NOT THE PROBLEM
Thank you soooooooooo much! Very helpful to understand what happened to me and the symptoms of the trauma of the narcissist abuse! On my way to recovery 🎉🎉🎉
In a nutshell...rationalizing or justifying Bullshit. *drops mike
Just seeing this title I know it’ll be such a good video
Very good analysis .
Example/analogy :
How can my mother sabotage my life ? She loves me , there must some thing wrong with me ,
it must be all my fault, I am not good enough.
At 9:46 narcs can sense when you are at the detachment point and reverse it on you, excellent
observation/analysis 100% correct.
The 5 things at the end happened to me.
I am still dis-regulated after 20 years.
This topic links to a related topic.... Narcissism and the Self-Help Industry, which often teaches that cognitive dissonance is a good way to motivate yourself.
Sounds like making excuses to save our pride, and ego, so don’t feel shamed.
Thank you so much for this ❤
In your school of transformation will you have the live portions in the evening or only in the daytime? (I work during the day)
Tuesdays are at 4 p.m. EDT - may be at 1 p.m. EDT in January -these are recorded for those that cannot make them live.
The Friday meetings are at 4 P.M. EDT EFT (emotional freedom technique) Sessions where we re-train the nervous system. These meetings are not recorded
Sunday meetings are at 4:00 p.m. EDT and they are breathwork sessions - we do a particular kind of breathwork where the theory behind this type of breathwork is that it lessens the volume of your Default Mode Network (which acts as a restraint on your limbic network) and since the limbic network is where your brain stores trauma - the breathwork allows you to bring up what needs to be processed so that you can release the trauma from the body!! These sessions are also not recorded.
Excellent Video….Excellent Explanation … 🙏❤️🦋
Clear and simple like truth
Absolutely brilliant stuff!
I'd just like to thank the powers that be for never allowing me to completely lose my sense of self. Once my narc ex started flipping from nice to unpleasant week after week, whilst I did experience overwhelming anxiety, part of me always was sat back thinking "What the hell is going on? I've done nothing wrong".
That part of me never went away and in the last 3 months I became even more aware of what she was doing. That part of me got stronger and I left the relationship a week ago.
I can feel that this video alone has healed me alot by just watching it once - Thank you!
Thank you so much! ☀️
I've heard many "experts" talk on cognitive dissonance. Never heard one accurately describe it.
Michelle, hello! I am still searching for an old video you posted, I don t quite remember the title, but it was more or less "20 signs you are in a toxic relation". That video saved my life 3 years ago. Where can I find it? It disappeared from your list of videos... Thank you so much
Your content never fails. I appreciate the vast amount of knowledge you have bestowed upon me and my fellow recoverers of narc abuse. I e appreciate it.
What a great vid - Michele🌟👍🏻one of your best - Thank you for the Merry Christmas 🎄✨🦌💝
This is so clear the way you explain things, but do I feel like my father has some dark power over me and I can't move ahead even though I am n/c?
Please make the video how to break Cognative Dissonance. I have had all 5 things you said happen to me.
Thank you…journaling his cruelty helps tons!!
Yeah this seems to be going on. I wanted to keep it going until a certain point but that may not be the best thing for me, might be better to cut it off before we get our daughters back.
Thank you so much!
Makes so much sense!
How do you fix it!
Perfect explanation. Thank you.
this is great summary Michele. Thanks 💪💪
Michele, thanks for enlightening me.
Or our biggest cognitive dissonance in life… “I love animals” while eating a steak and egg breakfast. And before you say anything, this isn’t about vegan, vegetarian or any other eating choice. It’s literally believing you love animals while engaging in the consumption of them. This is trauma as well. As children we are taught to love animals including farm animals. The cow say MOO the pig say OINK the duck says QUACK. The drawings are cute and loveable. If you’ve read Charlotte’s Web, you are shown to cheer for the little pig. Then you have bacon for breakfast and nobody tell you its the same animal. Then you get older and you’ve got a huge wall between the two things you’ve been taught. I always felt betrayed by my parents for feeding me the same things they were teaching me to love. Sick really.
I’m in cptsd now
31 years of marriage
😢💔❤️🩹