Why It's So Hard to Face Reality About People Destroying Your Life
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- Опубліковано 16 тра 2024
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There’s this strange thing that happens to families when one member falls into destructive addiction. We know that addicts’ thinking gets distorted, and they fall into denial and lying and blaming and sometimes stealing. That’s what you’d expect. But, as I know so well from bitter experience, the “presumably sane” people who LOVE the addict ALSO succumb to distorted thinking and toxic behavior - and they fall into denial, and lying, and blaming, and maybe not stealing - but losing themselves amidst the drama. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman whose reaction to the chaos makes the family dynamic more damaging than it already was.
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Your videos have played a part in my catalyst for personal growth.
The most compassionate act to an addict who refuses to face their actions is to STOP enabling them. For me, my role ( As an adult child of an alcoholic ) was to; get yelled at, calm the addict, feel like crap, rinse and repeat. The only act that was kind was to stop contact, break the cycle and hope the addict in my life would change. I had similar addictive tendencies and if I did not break off contact, I myself would fall to the same cycles, and carry on the trauma to the next generation. I knew it had to end with me. It always has to end with someone. It is painful, but it is needed if the person we love refuses to not address the addiction and change. Our self love and self worth should not be sacrificed for the sad sake of “keeping the peace” by enabling the addiction.
Well said.
Brilliant 🙌
same approach to be taken with abusers. having them in your space, home, life or finances is a death sentence emotionally and sometimes literally
As someone who dated an addict, I did things I NEVER thought I’d do. I would match his toxic behavior and the lines became blurred between who I was deep down and who he was that he had been projecting on to me. This video perfectly described the mind and actions of someone in deep addiction; stealing, lying, violence - and it wasn’t until I started attending Al-Anon (a step program for the families/loved ones for those affected by an addict) that I realized, my crazy behavior was in response to theirs. I didn’t need to hang on to this shame that they drove me to embarrassing and toxic behavior. I had no control over the addict, and through Al-Anon, I learned that I was powerless to the addiction too, which blew my mind. My addict was a “garbage pail” addict; they took anything and everything. I learned so much in the program, and eventually got the strength to choose myself and grieve the loss of who I wanted them to be. I hope those who are struggling seek a program like this one. The steps work if you work them.
Hi everyone lovely options from everyone
I totally agree with your comment. I became co-dependent, first coming from dysfunctional home with two different types of addicts and straight into arms of narcissist coz I wanted normal family soo badly 🤷♀️ at 46 I discovered things about myself I didn't know existed and finally recovering and healing 🙏
al anon was reccomended to me by my psychiatrist and it saved/ changed my life. the steps work if you work them!
I recently left an alcoholic boyfriend who accused me of being a selfish nasty person….
After 6 months of being away from him….
I’m starting to let go of the guilt and shame…..
And starting to feel myself again…
I’ve told no one about the abuse I’ve encountered over the last three years..
And have just kept a happy face on…
Thanks for sharing your story…
It helps..
🌻💕
Thank you for sharing this video Anna…
I’ve dated a few addicts…
Am happily single ATM 🌻
And your sharing helps….
My older step brother was trouble and he broke my heart several times. It was the worst feeling, like heartache after a break up, but much more deep. I have cut off contact many years ago and would not want him back in my life. I do not miss him. I wish him the best, but I cannot trust him anymore, this love is broken beyond repair. He treated me so bad, that I felt: he does not love me at all. Well it is sad but you cant change a person, and it is better for us both to live in peace without each other .
I decided for my life that my days of one-sided love are OVER forever. That includes family, too.
I really like your choice of words: 'like heartache after a break up, but much more deep.' I experienced betrayals from three family members within weeks of each other and this was how it felt. Worse than a breakup because you might be able to find another partner but can't replace your family. Thanks for sharing this.
This might have well be me writing all of this. I completely relate and yes peace is precious and the way I look at it is these people are drowning in this and trying to help them only sinks us too. Love them from afar is all we can do. God bless you!
Giving space is giving the gift of peace. You've given the gift of peace.
I wish I could be as strong and focused as you are. ❤
@@lt827 Yes, it is a deep deep pain. May God comfort and heal your broken heart. I truly understand this anguish of soul.
Two of my ex boyfriends were alcoholics - one died and the other is dying. Traumatic heart attack in the first case - later stage lung cancer in the second. I had to leave them both because despite my love and compassion for each of them, they were abusive and hateful while they were drunk and made it clear that they had no intention of ending their drinking habits. No one can love someone into healing or wellness - I learned this the hard way. The person has to want to change his/her life, and it’s not that your love isn’t good, strong, or magical enough. In truth, we can only save ourselves and only if we want to do that. That person engaging in self harm has to really want to live differently because it will be his/her internal battle to face and deal with everyday - not yours. Love to everyone here living with addicted people they love and those with addictions they are fighting ❤
I know the mom of someone who is part of a couple where there is alcoholism and mental illness . She told me that she thought that if they had a baby so much healing would occur . One of them also has a history of sa from his mother .
I was freaked out that she could even think this way .
I said that healing all that was a hell of a job to put on a baby . Yikes !
this is such an abusive reason to have a child. how dare anyone parentify an infant like that
I just endured this with what was my new best friend, 4 years ago I left my violent ex to addiction too. I listen to the community, I’ve ended the friendship. Very, very painful. I never thought I’d be friends with such a severe addict.
My friend badly wanted this baby, and for various reasons this is her only chance. She’s 7 1/2 months pregnant, I thought she relapsed two weeks ago, no, it’s been going on for 2 months. She verbally attacked me when two friends & I tried to keep her from drunk driving.
The length & volume of her drinking seems to mean the baby will be damaged to an unknown degree. Like my sister & my ex I got into rescue mode & she’s not even trying, she’s hostile. I’ve dumped her. No, we can’t be friends if she got sober, this is bad for my recovery, too devastating to the baby, I saw myself in a slight risk of relapsing. For once, I’m healthy, I’m not rescuing, I’m not saving her, I’m moving on.
I connected to the authentic feelings I tend to ignore, I can’t accept this, its essentially child abuse for this baby. it’s bad for my recovery & I think she was a narcissist anyway. I’m moving on, it hurts though.
Sorry to hear that. I completely support you and believe you're doing the right thing by distancing yourself from that though!
Well done. You made amazing and difficult decission👏
What a monster, that baby has no chance. I’m sorry you had to witness that and I’m glad you are protecting yourself.
You did the right thing. And dealing with a narcissit is a whole other ball park, and you don't want to stay with one long because you will be physically and mentally destroyed. The health issues u will have after could take years to heal. Addiction is cruel it affects everyone around them, and even when there not using there behaviour stinks. It's sad and it hurts but you have to think of yourself. I spent too long thinking and worrying and trying to micromanage the narc addict
I swear you were made for me. Everything you post is too personally accurate, I can’t believe how insightful this is for me. Thank you so much.
cptsd all too common, im glad CCF exist for sure
I’m so glad that you had a chance to tell your brother you love him before it was too late.
I am an alcoholic. I was able to stop for over six months. Now I've fallen off the wagon and my husband is really pissed. I didn't drink today but I'm afraid 😨
Can you get into a program that can help you? Do all you can to learn things that can help you stick with it. Maybe think of all the ways your life will be better without alcohol and keep that as your motivation. You can do it!!!
One day at a time. You can do it.
I only quit when I am angry enough at the consequences and other people in my life that benefit from me being weak. Gabor Mate says "don't ask why they drink, ask why they're in pain" I hope you find your answers ❤
Addiction is never good.
It’s the worst when they bring children into it. People are monsters.
I wish my brother had gotten help. I wish I had told him I love him. I wish my mom didn't kick him out as soon as she didn't want to deal with him. He was struggling so much with drugs and his mental health, and he died just before he turned 19. It's been almost 13 years since he died and I miss him a lot. He didn't really destroy parts of my life. All of his anger and sadness went inward toward himself when it could.
So sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, many of us men withdraw, and do not share our feelings; and as you said, we sometimes have the bad habit of beating ourselves up too.
Please don't blame yourself.
Smoking weed at age 9 doesn't come from nowhere. The parents' unwillingness to get involved in much of anything until the situation got really extreme suggests that while the parents may have done a lot of things well, they were checked out of some part of parenting, and the addict brother acted out against this the most. I think he played the role of the problem child--and played it to the hilt--and everybody else is acting their roles as well. I suspect this family has the disease of addiction in the family, and it will take lots of people in the family waking up to the true dynamics, speaking the unspoken, and actively healing themselves.
17:27: "Don't lose yourself ... keep finding yourself, have a strong self, ... self-development is the best possible influence for others ... keep working on yourself. " I cried listening to this, feeling and knowing the pain. Lately, I've been thinking about each person's life as a trajectory. A lot of influences go into the making of a trajectory. We all have to be different. But we can sometimes learn from the trajectory of someone else, so maybe, by witnessing the gift of their example, we get to take a second chance to happen, to unfold. I think sometimes of my life as the continuing unfolding of the many lives, the many trajectories, who transited my life. I think we are all the same love. We just carry it forward.
Wow 💖 😍
Please don’t ever change. These videos are so sincere and helpfull.
Anna, something is happening here on the channel : I posted a comment about how a heavy weed smoker in
our house is a serious problem for the other tenants .
Some people answered that it is us, the non- addicts who should leave the house... - Their comments ( in favor of weed smoking ) stay but my answers stating that weed is still a drug and also affecting those who have to inhale it passively are deleted directly...
I couldn't tell you why the team deleted your comment. We have our reasons. But if your comment was deleted, so too would go all the replies to your comment.
Suggest you go to Al-Anon
“If you really loved me, you’d stop” great book I got from Al-anon
Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families fit me much better than Al-Anon. Anne Wilson-Schaef wrote a lot of valuable information on the subject.
Or left. I won't stay with someone I love if I can't be good for them I leave or change and I'm an addict and don't want to face any dear ones with my addiction, I have my Doctor for that and no romantic relations befor I'm clean for at least one year or more, it depense how I feel...
I'm not a junky who's frech from using.
I was clean for 12 years and had to much stress, fear, confusion and didn't know it was cptsd and now that I do I know I can stop my medication because I know how to heal, would never tuch drugs with an other way out and I know it, for me drugs where death and I had a saison when I called death, didn't tack me, I'm gratfull now, I'm still alife and have no illness from that time and what made it easyer for me is that I don't support any speed, I feel nothing or feel very bad, that's real luck 💕 I don't know that kind of addiction by my self but saw what it does to poeple and it's horrible 😈 and it's getting worst. I don't know what it is but poeple die the one after the other and not only old Timer, most where less than 40..... My hart bleeds 😓
The addiction simes so strong and destroy them fast.....
~When i was an addict, my family stole from me, not the other way around!~Their logic was if i didnt have any valuables or money, i couldnt buy drugs~
I can relate, I would steal from my brother if I know that it would help. But it wouldn't help because when an addict don't have money he will always "grift" cash, he will lend from somebody or something.
It's a horror to see how somebody is destroying himself. Especially when I know that my brother is genuinely great person, he's a good person 😭
i see the logic but it doesnt work in the long run
Very timely for me. Thank you ❤
i dont know why but hearing about your brother made me cry, may he rest in peace
Thank you. His name was Jeffrey.
I was an alcoholic for over a decade. Pot became an issue after that. I've known guys in rehab who would try anything they could get their hands on, and it's my impression they tend to be the most severe cases.
Thank you for talking about this. Lots of addiction in my family. Dad was the most concentrated, and I saw the dark side of the planet of his personality (great articulation) ...vacant eyes, like a stranger. So difficult. You still love them. Complex, complicated love. Lots of pain. Definitely seeking the support I need to heal, ongoing.
❤
Thanks for sharing all of this. I certainly know the heartbreak you are speaking of. I have addicts in my family and an ex that I truly loved but their alcoholism destroyed everything good. I still love them but have had to distance myself from them for my own peace.
I can relate in a way... I had to be a caretaker while growing up becauss my Sister and only sibling is extremely disabled and lives in a group home...
Love the content! And yes Al Anon has been a game changer for my family.
thank you for this video
You are so welcome! Thank you for watching and taking the time to comment!
Nika@TeamFairy
Really struggling with a family member who isn’t addicted to a substance, but has a bunchof rage-based addictive patterns. Thank you for this.
❤ I'll say a prayer for you, your borther and your family.
Thank you
My sympathies for your losses. Yesterday was my brother's bday, lost him a few years ago. I can relate.
My son
Mine too😭
My brother died from alcoholism and who knows what other drugs because he was like a garbage addict also. When I was little and he was my big brother I thought the world of him but when he became a teenager and started with the addiction that runs in my family I lost him but I always still loved him. After my father's funeral I never saw him again, I felt that he was dangerous. It does make me so sad that his life went so poorly, that there was nothing that I could do. I will always love and miss him.
I'm sorry your brother passed away in that way. I'm afraid that one of mine will go out that same way, l really hate that possibility. He refuses AA.We haven't spoken now for years.He didnt steal,it is his behavior that I wont be around. I grieve the kid he was,that was the last time I knew him.
I can relate to that 😅😅.
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
If he was in the service, he could be dealing with PTSD.
Ohh this will be an interesting video. I don't have addicts in my life... I don't think. We'll see what people have influenced me and my life!
Yes I know about triggers.
My experience is that if that brother was the only one addicted it was something that might have happened outside the family unit eg sexual assault or witnessing something horrific. That appeared to be the case with my sister. And my last bf. We had no idea as a family and it only came out when my sister went into therapy but my bf refused to go but would hint often to sexual abuse when he was little but was too ashamed and too deep into addiction to seek help. I didn’t manage to end the relationship as i was too concerned for him ti leave but therby completely damaged myself, cptsd from it. It “ended” cause he hooked up with another woman whos also an alcoholic. I didnt drink that much but I recognise crossing my own boundaries with enabling and or smoking i got sucked into his world. I hope he is ok.
Could you cover what is going on with Gypsy Rose Blanchard? People were really harsh about her making a mothers day post.
❤❤
Nar-Anon is also great
My parents with my brothers.
What if I’m the addict?
go to a twelve step meeting! the first step to recovering from addiction is admitting you are powerless over it.
Seek help. Please. As the sister of an addict, it’s so painful to watch and love an addict. You deserve a beautiful life.
We have an addict in the house, he is smoking weed all the time - like ALL the time, morning, during the day, late at night together with his buddies... So all the people living in the building ( 35 ) are forced to breathe in this shit..( we cannot even call the police anymore because it is now legal..)
So we , that is mostly me, alone, tried talking to him - and it is exactly as Anna says in the beginning : lying, denying, blaming : he " feels molested " by my complaining and is highly aggressive...
Would moving out be giving in or really the only sane way ?
You can only control your actions. Move out and get away
@@pointysidedown ..and let darkness win / take over the place ?!?
@@Cloud99649 I did not hesitate a few months ago to call the police. I think it was a big mistake of the government to legalize Marihuana and allow these addicts to force their drugs on us others. What can we do now ?
@@Cloud99649 Hi, I sent you an answer a few hours ago - apparently it was deleted - can' t believe this!
@@Cloud99649 - The answers I send get deleted - by whom ? Why ?
You can't fake knowledge about this, and you obviously have knowledge. I have been a member of Alanon for 11 years. I lost my son to a heroin overdose almost 7 years ago.
I’m a addict my whole life complex trauma and narcissistic abuse and I have PTSD
Is there such thing as a functioning alcoholic??
Yes definitely, they’re everywhere. Restless self centered individuals causing mayhem, misery , drama ,despair and destruction . I am one if I drink…AA taught me that. Get yourself a BIG BOOK ❤️
OMG, speaking of a bad-ass brother!!! Déjà vu all over again. I have a severe panic disorder. My young PCP decided to strip away the Xanax prescription I'd relied on for over 40 years. Now I've been free falling into my panic for over 3 months without any support, and my therapist evaporated at this time of crisis. 🪂 I've never been this close to the edge before. I'm a disabled 71-year-old. It doesn't matter that I have a master's degree in clinical psychology. My brother lived to become the full fledged sadist that he is. We haven't spoken pretty much since Mom died in 2009. I don't have a special point. I'm just reeling from high anxiety in my unsafe place alone without a support network. 🥺
Make a support network. Talk to more people. Volunteer for stuff. Find a club for something you like to do. You got this! Statistically speaking, people like you more then you think they do. We just don't voice it a lot. God bless!
I always get bashed when I write this....but, if you go to Mexico (not sure where you are, it might not be possible) head to an established chain pharmacy, most of these have a licensed doctor on site and get a prescription so you can wean off safely. If a pharmacy doesn't require a prescription or if it's a small mom and pop shop the meds could be counterfeit and not worth the risk.
Good luck to you!!!!
@@ethanmiller5487good advice but that's very difficult to do when you are in the depths of anxiety. Unfortunately people can sense something is off and connections will be tough.
But he could express some of his feelings to make the situation more manageable
@@ethanmiller5487Thanks for the well meaning advice. It's rather silly though. Low income 'Orphan Seniors' have few options. Take an aging person with severe anxiety disorder living alone and frightened, and tell them to go out and scare up a band of new friends? 🤪 That's a very tall order for a young person with this profile. We're scared of being in public! 🧐
❣️