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Ep. 143 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- Опубліковано 24 лип 2022
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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back together in the bear cave for this week’s episode! Bert recaps his Fully Loaded tour with Dave Attell, Shane Gillis, Big Jay Oakerson, Taylor Tomlinson, and many more comics. They also discuss Tom’s appearance on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, working out with Mark Bell, the Ron White episode of 2 Bears, and Bert’s upcoming trip to Italy. Tom then tells Bert about his experience donating to a Starlight Children’s Foundation, which prompts a conversation about donating to charity. Bert calls his business manager to find out if he can afford to do the same.
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“I ate phenomenally. I drank aggressively.”
Put that on Brunt’s tombstone
Bert" I defiantly lost weight, hey do we have beer? Can I have a beer, yes beer, there goes my workout today." Jesus Christler. He makes progress then with 1 swoop takes it all back.
Turns out, fat, drunk and stupid, IS a way to go through life. 🤷🏼♂️
"A hundred percent"
Dude, leave Blurt alone
I love that Tom really pressed him on "how do you know you lost weight" and Burp just kept answering "I just know."
Listening to Tom talk about donating to children’s hospital almost made me cry. When I was a child I had a very rare bone disease in my hip and people like Tom stepped up and paid for what my parents couldn’t pay for. I was told I would never walk if I didn’t have specific care for if we couldn’t afford certain surgeries.. I’m 29 years old now back then I was seven. I have full function of both of my legs. I walk every single day. Thanks Tom you are a hell of a man.
This might encourage Ben to donate because it’s almost a guarantee more people will like him
Your story got me a little emotional. It's nice to hear good stories like yours though and give me a little hope in the human race.
@@GregoryGreg87 it was a very bizarre few years of my life that I will never get back. The disease I had was called leg calve perthies. Known commonly as perthies disease. It’s still extremely rare to have but I believe they know a lot more about it than they did when I had it. But I solely remember being told that I had people like Tom that has stepped up and donated tons of money to cover what the shrines club couldn’t cover. I have always been a huge fan of Tom. But this definitely makes me look at him in a different light.
@@codyyoumans4402 I'm glad people were there for you back then as I'm sure your parents are more so. I have a 9yr old and a 10 month old and I can't imagine and pray I never have to know what that's like. I'd be fucked up enough having my kid hospitalized. Then add the financial stress of long term care? My heart breaks for anyone who's ever been through that and wish I was in a position like Brent and Tom to help out.
Glad you're still here and healthy man, such a shame when children have to go through stuff like that.
The look Tom gives after Bert says “ I think I think about me a lot.” is priceless.
If it wasn’t for me seeing him live and his social media proof, I’d swear Tom is a psychologist and Bert is in a psych ward and we are watching a live stream of his sessions.
This is how men got therapy before therapy
I think we are watching a better help session lol
You have phrased this perfectly! Lol
I'm going forward watching each episode in this mind set only
I wonder how many times that dynamic has/will change....if they would have been friends in high school, his name would have been Dr Bert....old folks home... Dr Bert again
The transition from Bert saying he needs help straight to a better help ad read is absolutely flawless
Olympic levels of mental gymnastics from Brent.
Flawless af
That was so clean haha I laughed so hard
Berk's timing is epic
Z,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
That switch to Bert drinking a beer while Tom is talking about donating was pure art. Thank you Native.
Correction:: CHUGGING the beer 🤣🤣
Really well clipped
QUALITY camera swap.
after a 20 minute conversation about where to donate to charity, bert finds out his family has a charitable organization. probably the second best moment on this podcast.
Cockcroft M
What’s the first I gotta know 😂
@@aciehall8587 kool aid
@@cjcharles602 Kool aid is #1 yes....... I mean, Jennifer Aniston has to be #2 in my opinion 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Bert crediting his weight loss due to his alcoholism is like magic johnson saying how great AIDS is because he lost 50 pounds
🤣
Some of us get drunk & forget we buy weird shit on Amazon... Bart gets hammered & forgets he started an entire charity foundation.
not to mention a sport's agency.
To be fair it was probably his wife that started he has no idea where he is half the time
@@newsrapper I have to admit that’s fair, and yes you are following proto. So you’re not done.
His financial manager did it like any rich person to evade taxes
@@newsrapper u5f
"why did you buy an AK-47?"
"I was drunk"
Bart could probably win the presidency
Just the idea of drunk buying an AK is comedy gold and Bert actually did it.
The best is when burnt says " I don't want it" lol
You got the time stamp for that moment ?
@@The_Fuse_Maestro11 Not sure. Whole pod had me in fucking tears
01:02:30
I spit out my drink when Bert said, “I think about me a lot.” and then that look that Tom gave! It was hilarious 🤣
Tom feels like the shoulder angel while Bert feels like the shoulder demon for some very practical blue collar worker that is struggling with alcohol addiction and self identity issues in another dimension.
That might make a good TV show. Lol
The dudes boss is being an asshole and Bert goes “Whatever fuck it we can just drink about it once we get home.” And Tom goes “No let’s have a calm and direct conversation with him about our grievances.” And the guys struggling to pick which one to go with and Tom whispers “and if he doesn’t listen we can watch the light leave his eyes and bury his body under the back porch.”
Ouch this hits so close to home when I remember my corporate career 😂😂
Bert’s perception that Tom is hard to talk to is hilarious.
And Tom getting offended 😂 I get Toms reaction because I’m the exact same. I speak the least I can but I’m not hard to talk to. And if I go out I can be socialable but if it were optional I’d rather not and not have tp talk to anyone 😂
Bert: spent over 100k on Toms bday gift.
Also Bert: I don’t have 50k laying around to donate.
At least Tom said it
It's really unbelievable, when he goes how do we raise money to donate?
@@impossiblegems Tom likes to act like he doesn’t give a shit about anything sometimes but he really seems to be a good guy.
Bert: “I’m a little shakey right now”
Just admitted to experiencing some alcohol withdrawals lol
I just wonder how much longer it's gonna be funny
I don't even think he drinks as much as he claims. He's just putting on an image. If he was legit drunk all the time we would see obvious signs. Is it possible he's not an alcoholic?
@@jamesjustice8711 I highly doubt that. He hangs out with fans all the time and I've never heard of anyone disputing it
I don't personally have a charity, but I do have a daughter with Leukemia so we have seen the effects. And while it may not be the same one that helped my family, I can say from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I wish you knew how big of an impact it makes in such a difficult time.
"Ha they made you wear a mask"
"It was a children's hospital"
That made me laugh so fucking hard
Good to hear Brent accept his alcoholism within the first 3 minutes
Like that will change anything
Lol Actually he said it under a min 20 seconds. So even better than u originally stated.
bwhahaaha
Listen to last week's bertcast
Take my lunch break, take too long,
Too long on my lunch break,
And they sent me home,
On the Adam Friedland Show
My husband and I discovered Tom Segura together. And he passed away about two years ago. So now I watch his stand up just to feel normal for a second. I can forget Johnny's gone for just a minute. I'm so happy to have found this podcast. It's now part of my morning routine getting the boys ready for school and my coffee after they're gone for the day. Thank you. You have no idea how this helps me and keeps moving forward. I can't explain it but it really really does.
Idk why I’m so shocked every time on how delusional Bert is
Burp: "I look so good right now."
Also Burp: *is noticeably more swollen and red now than in his ad read*
He is delusional and has to convince himself that he's ok.
I’m gonna start calling him Berry
😂🤣
This podcast is like a human psyche experiment where Tim interviews Brett every week to see how much more he has deteriorated. I’m not even sure Bruce understands how many layers of funny he is sometimes.
He definitely doesn't understand why stuff is so funny sometimes
@@billydaniel5029 he admits this when regarding the look-aid bit. He truly didn’t understand why Tom was amused when discovering the habit
@@2pacfan56 that's kinda why their friendship works so well haha
Lmaoooo
I wonder if Tim Tims understands that he is as stupid as Bert but doesnt do cool shit and doesnt drink. Taking risks > dad humor hustler.
Bert: "I don't have $50k"
Also Bert: "One night I got drunk and spent $13k on go fund me's"
He says he never treats himself by buying cool shit, then he'll talk about spending $11k on pocket knives.
And that is why he doesn't have 50k
Bert: I don’t have 50k to give to charity
Also Bert: when we get to the Amalfi cost I’m going to rent a yacht
Bert: Brings his daughter on tour.
Also Bert: takes his alcoholism to a new level on the tour
Also Brett: my kids can't drink or smoke
Also Bert sucks and he's not funny.
This is like when Patrick wants an award because he sees SpongeBob get one.
LMAOOO
This is the one! Uhhhhhundred percent. God that was brutal to watch Tom trying to explain that he does it out of the kindness if his heart and Barf just being like well I want an award. Cringe.
Perfect analogy 🤣
This podcast can be summed up in 4 words from Bert: "I want to drink"
I like how Tom just laughs whenever Bert says he looks great and he’s jacked 😂
I do the same when my fat friends say that shit
“I had to take off 2 shirts” is subtly one of the funniest things Bert’s ever said on this podcast.
Top Dog would be proud of Tom… for all kinds of reasons… but def for his charitable gifts to hospitals
38:55 Tom starting on his soapbox about donating to Children’s Hospital, and the hard cut to Brent MURDERING a beer is so fucking funny. Good job Native
Sometimes I really think that Bert is playing a character so dumb so well its that convincing.....but deep down inside, I know I am living a lie.
The look on Tom's face when Bert admitted his powerlessness
In his head probably: "wait is it finally happening? Of course Bert would do this on camera instead of in front of his loving family and friends"
Yes. Tom has the best expression and reactions 😂😂 Tom and Bert are so funny and there like my liquid Prozac/Ativan/Xanex to my brain and laughs are just the icing on the cake
I love when bent crystals says something and Tim looks into the camera the timing is always awesome lol reminds me of the office
The story about the hospital visit was great! My wife and I will look up the organization and donate!!!
Bert - buys an owners suite at the Kentucky derby
Also Bert - I don't have 50k lying around!!!
"Im powerless to alchohol" yeah Brent we know
This episode dropping is the best thing thats ever happened to me at 6am.
You must have a pretty sad life.
@@SteroidsR4Championss Yeah, I guess 6am is really poppin for you huh, cool guy?
@@reasonablyargued9003 we pukkaq
That's the nicest way to say your life sucks 😂
Must have a pretty depressing life
Bert: Here's the deal about giving money.
Tom: Soul leaves body.
"I've got two beautiful dogs."
"Oh yeah, I've got two beautiful daughters too..."
Bert disassociating when Tommy talks about charity work needs the Dr. Drew lens.
His ability to make everything a out himself is absolutely mind-blowing 🤣
Damn, you can see how much fun Tom is having. He really missed Bert.
Bert “ people think I drink way more than I do” also Bert “I was drunk day and night, I have zero control over alcohol in my life”
He’s a textbook alcoholic. I mean, line by line, Bert is 100% the most shining example of an alcoholic. And he’ll never take it seriously. It’s sad as shit honestly.
Bert's Timeline of Narcissism:
13:13, 29:02, 36:27, 56:23, 1:00:06, 1:12:07
Doin the lords work man
The old studio is the best. The proof is how good this episode is compared to the recent ones.
Better the studio, worse the pod...
It looks like they're podcasting from a Marriott
@@WickedSpade That would make Pauly Shore’s podcast better than Rogan 😂
@@loscoolarrows5903 in some ways it probably is. Never seen it so I can't say.
Burt’s laugh sounds like turning on night vision. 😆🤣
When Tom goes “How has Georgia been so lucky to not hear The Machine for so long” 🤣🤣🤣
13:00 It's insane that Bert has somehow attributed his chronic acid reflux to food and not the drinking like a fish.
He's funny and seems like a legit good guy. I almost feel like the fame is encouraging him though and all the laughing about him just telling honest stories of him being an alcoholic isn't helping him. He's clearly enjoying the ride but he has kids and if he keeps up this pace he isn't gonna stay functional much longer at the very least, especially at his age. Sometimes I don't find it the least bit funny and it's just sad. He's clearly still drunk during this whole cast.
@@stephengrigg5988 yeah I'm with you. I don't really see it as funny at all. Just super sad. Bert seems like a decent guy, but the whole alcoholic image thing is sad to me.
I lose it every time Tom does the Jim Halpert stare into the camera 😂
“You’re the hardest person to talk to”
*Never let’s Tom talk
Haha I’m glad someone in the comments pointed out the irony of that part. It was cracking me up.
notice how he doesn't say talk "with"? He's upset that Tom won't just listen and accept everything he says
3:20 is possibly the highest register i've ever heard berd speak in
Bert: Maybe I should think about other people?
Therapist Tom: Very Good Bert, Let's explore those thoughts.
How is Tom SO CALM ALWAYS??? He is Extremely CHILL !!!
It's called being the mother fucking MAN
The 2 bears are back, hell yeah i missed the duo in the studio together. Great way to start the week😎
Bert sucks
When Bert said that he doesn't have 50 grand I was and still am totally convinced that he actually believed that. His brain does work differently.
Needs that 50 grand for handles of titos
His wife is very smart and knows how to control/create his delusions. He's lucky she's great with money
It just makes me wonder if his financial managers are taking advantage of his naïveté…
@@Sara-hy7ku I can see the podcast title and thumbnail already. You have scared me tho I hope thats not the case and Leann is taking care of everything
The unhinged spirit of Bert is priceless! And Tom with the life lessons of charity and donations is amazing! Absolutely love you two!
Bert’s diet/health is legit insane. For how worried he is about dying it blows my mind the crap he does.
Theres is going to be so much litter of head crushed beer cans at berts gravestone later this year…
@@christopherrodriguez9514 it’s honestly the sad thing. Think he feels like he has to drink like that or he’ll fizzle out. Fans need to chill and encourage him to be healthier. Or he’ll be some freak that lives to 100 lol
@@tylerzulewski2424 he won’t live till 100. When alcohol finally catches up to you it happens all at once. One day he’ll seem perfectly healthy and the next his liver will stop working
@@tylerzulewski2424 hes just an alcoholic i dont think the fans make a difference. He has people telling him everyday. Imagine joe rogan telling you youre an alcoholic and unhealthy. If you dont listen to him some random fans arent gonna mean shit.
@@tylerzulewski2424 but i do understand what youre saying youre not wrong at all. Dudes fanbase are a bunch of grown children.
There's like 20 minutes of Burnt Chrysler trying to figure out how to have a heart and care about other people with charity. 🤣
Bert’s wellness retreat is basically his show on Netflix… called the Cabin lol
Tom's laugh at Bert's: "I look awesome right now" was epic and made me feel like I could vicariously live through that moment thanks to Tommy Buns. I love ya both, Bert You The Man, whether it's being burnt crystals or The Machine
i learned from this podcast that BErt is actually a terrible human being lol
Bert is decent by association to Leanne XD
So glad Burnt Crystals is back. He's looking less jacked than last week. That surgery must have really taken it out of him.
He's fat but He can't read well. Oh yes, Bret is a classic Hollywood advertising double threat!
Burnt Crystals is the dumbest one I’ve seen so far 😭💀 good sh*t
@@ededdandeddytv5164 it's played out
He won't be around for long
@@ededdandeddytv5164 you must be new if thats the first time you’ve seen that
Bert “I cant eat anything after 7 or I throw up in my sleep” Chrysler
tom has the patience of a saint to put up with that many interruptions man can't finish a single sentence
The Better Help sponsor timing 👌🏻
Glad someone else caught this too! lol
“I’m powerless to alcohol”
This dude will say anything except: “I’m an alcoholic”. 😅
But..."I'm not an alcoholic and this is why.. ."
Basically because he's not mean or violent. You know his daughters are going to be in therapy
That's the Mickey Mantle liver talking.
That is admitting it even if he doesn’t realize it. Its literally the first sentence of the first step in the 12 steps for AA 🤦♂️😆😆😆 “we admit that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable”
@@JayMac all jokes aside, he's clearly sick. He's a full on alcoholic.
Welcome to another episode of "Tom tells Bert how things work" 🤣
the guy laughing in the back makes this show 40x better, and it's already perfect! lmfaoooo
The one & only Nativ possesses that laugh
Bert literally can't wrap his mind around being a good person and thinking about any other people other than himself.
It used to be funny but this ep was just kinda sad. Like he legitimately can't wrap his head around helping dying kids w o getting something in return. Still like the dude just needs a reality check.
Yeah I thought it was sad too
Do you guys know what 'playing it up for comedy' means? Jesus
@@giannis5250 I think we all want to believe that, but Bert makes it hard to believe sometimes. Either a fantastic actor or actually...Bert.
@@syntaxed4365 he is a professional comedian dude
It's amazing how Bert can interrupt himself in his own mind
Oh heck yeah, Barts back! I’ve been waiting to hear his imaginary weight loss stories, and rehab/ wellness journey he’s never gonna go on. Welcome back bud!
Bert: "I'm so..selfish."
*finishes his beer, immediately relieves Tom of his beer
The return of Bertus Interruptus.
Bert coming at Tom for being a “difficult person to talk to” is hilarious. Yeah, only around you because he can’t get more than a single word response before he’s interrupted because Bert can’t keep his mouth shut for more than a minute.
Hahaha! I was hoping Tom was gonna say “yeah because I can’t get a word in around you, of course that’s how your perceive me”
Lol a minute about 15 seconds haaaa
Aweee
my favorite thing ever is when Bert tries laughing and talking and it just sounds like a mouse being stepped on repeatedly
I love the looks Tom gives and how happy he is when he and Brent are reunited
Finally, Bert realized how self absorbed he really is. Geezus.
Lies
Did he? I'm not so sure it was more than a fleeting thought. I find myself in awe of Bert sometimes. Today was one of them.
He's narcissistic about his narcasism. Bert is nothing without Leeanne.
@@fffraaankkk in Bert's defense he is the first person who will tell you that.
@@danielmeuler2877 the second the ticket sales start to drop, and podcasts do fewer numbers it won’t just get to be a fun joke for him though
Bert: I feel like I think about myself a lot.
-The most introspective thought of the century 🤣
When Bert starts visibly tearing up at the charity kids part. That's a real big heart. Made me tear up too.
An enlarged heart is also a sign of alcoholism, so there's that too 🍺
Anyone that can afford to forget that they spent $100k on a car, can afford to donate $50k... 😂😂😂
Bert is saying Kentucky Derby, but he just means Churchill Downs. Ky derby is in May. Still fun though. Louisville can be fun.
Kind of done with that Bert dude, not hoping he dies or anything but also glad he's not around much anymore.
Downs race would be fun
@@boz2awesome906 yeah the special Olympics is awesome
You mean the Jack Harlow song
Branst got Downs syndrome
Brent not knowing about his foundation just killed me😂
His wife's foundation. At this point he's just the money machine
3:23 that high pitched “What?” Lmaooooo
“I got two beautiful dogs…”
“I thought you were going to say daughters……”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
The alcohol seems to be doing a number on Bört's cognitive speed.
LeeAnn is going to be quite the eligible sugar mama pretty soon.
Haha!!!!
John Mayer is waiting.
🤣
I hope Leann makes his tomb stone into a liquor bottle
“I dont know man, in the the bit youre just good at it” lololol that shit was legendary or “this guys calling you fat” lolol
10 minutes in and all Tom has said is “yeah”
You must be talking about his podcast YMH…
Glad to see Bart still has both his feet.
For now
Bert…… it’s Bert….
Brent is saving for new ones already
@@bobaloo2059 who’s Bert?
I love how much patience Tom has, because at around 12:25 once Bert takes a breath he immediately goes back to Bert lying about losing weight
That segway into the 'Better Help' read had me falling out. Love you Bert!
Damn…Bert is back….. i’m going to miss hearing toms voice
This is like if the energies of Michael Scott and Jim Halpert had a show
"I got no complaints" - Rewind 10 mins, Burt needs a beer for his crippling anxiety. :D
I love Bert because hes the most aware human on the planet when it comes to everything, except himself.
It's taken him over 20 years, but today, Bert said that he isn't as good at comedy as Dave Attell
In his defense, it's only a few handfuls of people who are. At best.
Lol *Tom does something*, Bert: "maybe i should do that". Sums up Bert's adult life
Makes me happy any time there's love for BIg Jay. Such a criminally underappreciated S-tier comic.
This is why I Love Tom Segura👌🏻❤️🧠 he and Christina are such a beautiful human beings
Fun's over, guys.
It was fun while it lasted
This made me snort. 🤣🤣🤣
@lacefacethegreat somebody’s snortin