(If you clarify too much you are told you are mansplaining.) Both people have to be on board with this style of communication and try to stay in an adult-to-adult mode for it to work. If there is power over dynamics involved, it can be a problem even if you are in neutral headspace. If they are not willing to listen there is only so much you can do on your side. If people aren't willing to negotiate you're not in a relationship. If that is the case, you need to think about what you are in. Where I have had failures is with my older siblings' communication and another time with a girlfriend who needed to be right and that was even funnier because I had no personal investment in the topic. Maybe it was time to part and that was the excuse. Great video. It was nice to review. With this and with TA, I don't have a lot problems with communications with the exceptions of political types.
What do you do when in the validation step. Your partners experience and view is blaming you for something and is unfair on you? By validating them will they feel like I agree with them not taking responsibility for themself and blaming it on an external source, which in this case is me. And potentially encourage them to continue doing this in the future. I understand that their experience doesn't need to be rational for us to validate it, but what if there is a conflict if interest basically?
I just want to validate that there truly are some people who don’t have much empathy. These people are significantly disconnected from their own emotions and don’t really understand or care about others’ emotions. I think that imago requires two people who are able and willing to practice this method together. And some people truly aren’t able to. It also requires that the two people aren’t overly defended or invested in being right.
What can we do when our partner needs us to listen to them talk about feelings for another person. And/or all the bad stuff about our relationship. It feels like being stabbed with a knife, the pain is so terrible, but they need us to hear them out «on all the feelings that can be painful to you», and maybe even validate to make them feel loved and accepted for «who they are»? There is also no appologies, accountability or intents to make things better, other then dumping painful stuff. No looking for positives or wanting to talk about positives or good memories etc. How can we do that? Do we have to be able to do that? They want to make it work, but can only feel connected when and if they can talk like this. The problem is connection and closeness is not happening because it is so hurtful it pushes partner away and they cannot feel connected when their partner feels connected when they hurt them so deeply. How can we do this? It feels like unbridled self expression and brutal honesty. And if so, how can it be dealt with? And if it’s not, if it’s healthy and needed self expression, is there a way to get through something like that without feeling emotionally abused, traumatized, pushed away and disconnected?
You can still have boundaries if they are sharing about a betrayal against you. It depends on the context and if there is larger repair that needs to happen. You have to consent to the conversation and it's ok to decline if you are too triggered
@@MonikaHoyt thank you for responding. So yes, there’s a large repair of emotional betrayal that needs to be done, but is not done. There is only insisting that they need to be open and honest and need to tell me about all of these feelings that are hurting me so deeply, and if not then there’s no other way. So it feels like an ultimatum, and I feel forced. Any time I try to set boundaries and say that it is too painful, that I can’t hear all this in this way, and I need things to be different, that will only end in them saying «well then it’s not possible». While at the same time also needing to be completely open and honest about wanting us to figure things out, but if we don’t work out, they’ll want to go figure things out with this other woman. This feels like a threat to me, and like they keep one foot out the door and expect me to deal with it all, and carry all the burden of their betrayal. The fact that they are making the relationship so unsafe feels like being given conditions that are inhuman and being told that this is what there is and if you can’t cope I’ll drop you anytime. Even, when I have opened up to let them just leave and go be with the other woman, that I won’t stop them, and won’t hold on to any grudges, they realize they don’t really want that, because they realize it’s not someone they really want. She just seems to be kept alive as an escape when we are struggling, and the problem is we struggle more and more because she is kept as a fantasy. How can boundaries be set in such a situation? It is the most locked situation I could ever imagine, a complete catch 22. I know he wants us, and wants me, and even loves me underneath all the chaos. But he is in such a crisis and has lost control. And I am at such a loss. Thanks for listening.
@@77maanno I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't even imagine being in a relationship where the other side is openly talking about feelings for someone else. It would be such a major trigger... It does sound like setting the boundaries issue in your case, and I really hope you can get some good professional advice on how to deal with this and things will work out for you.
@@19th-centuryartist56 thank you, that is so kind, thoughtful and validating. I feel very alone in this and also very unseen, unheard and invalidated by society and the personal development world where there’s so much emphasis on how honesty and transparency is so important and also how I should just be accepting and validate and if I can’t, then just leave. But how could I just leave? There’s so much history and love and friendship and attachment, and of course family and children. It’s never as easy as I feel people want it to be. So thank you! Your words mean a lot to me ❤️
@@77maanno Glad if my words help in any way! :-) (And there is a reason we all are on Monika's channel, right? ;-) In my opinion, the best, most honest, most practical relationship content on UA-cam, period.) I totally agree: there is a lot of "set the boundaries and be prepared to walk away" kind of "advice" on the Internet - when you can't, for obvious reasons, and are stuck in that "hamster wheel"... Honesty and transparency are important indeed, but it's not reasonable to expect anyone to accept certain things as norm... This may not sound like any consolation, but things may be much, much worse when there is *no* honesty and transparency.... In any case, it is always good to get more knowledgeable on relationship issues... I personally found the attachment theory very helpful - understanding your and your partner's attachment styles and how it affects how you form and maintain a relationship...
It might help you to teach if you have a 2nd person with you to demonstrate.
Just a thought!
Hello, I miss your topics, tips and knowledge. Are you creating more videos?
(If you clarify too much you are told you are mansplaining.) Both people have to be on board with this style of communication and try to stay in an adult-to-adult mode for it to work. If there is power over dynamics involved, it can be a problem even if you are in neutral headspace. If they are not willing to listen there is only so much you can do on your side. If people aren't willing to negotiate you're not in a relationship. If that is the case, you need to think about what you are in. Where I have had failures is with my older siblings' communication and another time with a girlfriend who needed to be right and that was even funnier because I had no personal investment in the topic. Maybe it was time to part and that was the excuse. Great video. It was nice to review. With this and with TA, I don't have a lot problems with communications with the exceptions of political types.
What do you do when in the validation step. Your partners experience and view is blaming you for something and is unfair on you? By validating them will they feel like I agree with them not taking responsibility for themself and blaming it on an external source, which in this case is me. And potentially encourage them to continue doing this in the future. I understand that their experience doesn't need to be rational for us to validate it, but what if there is a conflict if interest basically?
Soooo powerful. You’re an amazing teacher. Thank you, Monika 😊
thank you! and you're welcome :)
So glad I found this channel. Your explanations are so clear and to the point. I'm going to binge watch all your videos!!!
Glad you like them!
I really liked your delivery. You used very clear and easy to absorb language. The Imago communication technique sounds like it will be really useful.
Thank you, Eric!
Practice, practice, practice. Thank you Monika!
Very good explanation to what Imago is ❤ Thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you! Best explanation of imago i have heard!
Thank you Shawn! Glad it was helpful!
Agreed!!
Sounds like it takes two on board with this. How to do it when only you are using Imago?
Have you written a book on marriage and these techniques? That would be so great. It is so insightful and never heard of.
not yet!
thank you so much! that's a great explanation
Thankyou - brilliant explanation
Does it work on bi polar spouse?
Hi Monika love your work!! Just to let you know i can not hear the audio on this video. I could hear it yesterday but not today. Regards
Its working again. Thanks
What if one person in the party does not have any empathy?
could be resentment, or if it's a chronic thing, that is something that can be cultivated if they want to.
I just want to validate that there truly are some people who don’t have much empathy. These people are significantly disconnected from their own emotions and don’t really understand or care about others’ emotions.
I think that imago requires two people who are able and willing to practice this method together. And some people truly aren’t able to. It also requires that the two people aren’t overly defended or invested in being right.
What can we do when our partner needs us to listen to them talk about feelings for another person. And/or all the bad stuff about our relationship. It feels like being stabbed with a knife, the pain is so terrible, but they need us to hear them out «on all the feelings that can be painful to you», and maybe even validate to make them feel loved and accepted for «who they are»? There is also no appologies, accountability or intents to make things better, other then dumping painful stuff. No looking for positives or wanting to talk about positives or good memories etc. How can we do that? Do we have to be able to do that? They want to make it work, but can only feel connected when and if they can talk like this. The problem is connection and closeness is not happening because it is so hurtful it pushes partner away and they cannot feel connected when their partner feels connected when they hurt them so deeply. How can we do this? It feels like unbridled self expression and brutal honesty. And if so, how can it be dealt with? And if it’s not, if it’s healthy and needed self expression, is there a way to get through something like that without feeling emotionally abused, traumatized, pushed away and disconnected?
You can still have boundaries if they are sharing about a betrayal against you. It depends on the context and if there is larger repair that needs to happen. You have to consent to the conversation and it's ok to decline if you are too triggered
@@MonikaHoyt thank you for responding. So yes, there’s a large repair of emotional betrayal that needs to be done, but is not done. There is only insisting that they need to be open and honest and need to tell me about all of these feelings that are hurting me so deeply, and if not then there’s no other way. So it feels like an ultimatum, and I feel forced. Any time I try to set boundaries and say that it is too painful, that I can’t hear all this in this way, and I need things to be different, that will only end in them saying «well then it’s not possible». While at the same time also needing to be completely open and honest about wanting us to figure things out, but if we don’t work out, they’ll want to go figure things out with this other woman. This feels like a threat to me, and like they keep one foot out the door and expect me to deal with it all, and carry all the burden of their betrayal. The fact that they are making the relationship so unsafe feels like being given conditions that are inhuman and being told that this is what there is and if you can’t cope I’ll drop you anytime. Even, when I have opened up to let them just leave and go be with the other woman, that I won’t stop them, and won’t hold on to any grudges, they realize they don’t really want that, because they realize it’s not someone they really want. She just seems to be kept alive as an escape when we are struggling, and the problem is we struggle more and more because she is kept as a fantasy. How can boundaries be set in such a situation? It is the most locked situation I could ever imagine, a complete catch 22. I know he wants us, and wants me, and even loves me underneath all the chaos. But he is in such a crisis and has lost control. And I am at such a loss. Thanks for listening.
@@77maanno I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't even imagine being in a relationship where the other side is openly talking about feelings for someone else. It would be such a major trigger... It does sound like setting the boundaries issue in your case, and I really hope you can get some good professional advice on how to deal with this and things will work out for you.
@@19th-centuryartist56 thank you, that is so kind, thoughtful and validating. I feel very alone in this and also very unseen, unheard and invalidated by society and the personal development world where there’s so much emphasis on how honesty and transparency is so important and also how I should just be accepting and validate and if I can’t, then just leave. But how could I just leave? There’s so much history and love and friendship and attachment, and of course family and children. It’s never as easy as I feel people want it to be. So thank you! Your words mean a lot to me ❤️
@@77maanno Glad if my words help in any way! :-) (And there is a reason we all are on Monika's channel, right? ;-) In my opinion, the best, most honest, most practical relationship content on UA-cam, period.) I totally agree: there is a lot of "set the boundaries and be prepared to walk away" kind of "advice" on the Internet - when you can't, for obvious reasons, and are stuck in that "hamster wheel"... Honesty and transparency are important indeed, but it's not reasonable to expect anyone to accept certain things as norm... This may not sound like any consolation, but things may be much, much worse when there is *no* honesty and transparency.... In any case, it is always good to get more knowledgeable on relationship issues... I personally found the attachment theory very helpful - understanding your and your partner's attachment styles and how it affects how you form and maintain a relationship...
When you say "your not actually interested in that person" do you mean it literally I ask because that thought scares me right now.