How To Emotionally Regulate
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- Опубліковано 9 лип 2024
- How to emotionally regulate. Emotional regulation can be difficult for people, particularly;
autistic people
ADHD ers
CPSD
borderline personality disorder
attachment issues
This video covers why, and some techniques for working on emotional regulation and navigating the negative impacts of this on our lives.
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I've come to accept that crying is a reaction I have and I don't worry about it so much, but it clearly upsets other people when I cry. I cried at the doctors and they tried to get me to go to the emergency mental health clinic, when I probably just needed a glass of water and a bit of quiet time. It's just very hard to talk and explain when you're overwhelmed!
Yes. It's hard to accept my emotions if I think people around me can't accept them.
I definitely struggle with very intense emotional reactions, to the point where my parents will film me when i’m very angry and say they will post it online if I don’t stop :( yeah, that usually makes me even angrier but i have to suppress it. but when i tell people outside of my family i have “anger issues”, they’re immediately like “but your so sweet and nice!”, but usually i just bottle my emotions in public :/
That sounds even more frustrating to have your parents respond like that rather than helping you find coping strategies. Sending you virtual hugs
I'm so sorry that your parents react like this, that's not OK. Things will not always be this way, and you are enough the way you are x
I feel outraged on your behalf at your parents' behaviour. How is humiliation going to calm you down??!! This is just trying to stop the outward manifestation of internal turmoil, instead of trying to understand what is going on for you ON THE INSIDE. Where it hurts. They might be freaked out & not knowing what to do but this is extremely unhelpful. I wrote out a list for my parents of how they could help me when I'm in meltdown. I wonder if something like this could be useful? I wish you well.
Your parents need a smack up the side of their heads my friend. Public posting of meltdowns or other intense emotional struggles is quite simply ABUSE. As someone who 'bottled' his emotions for nearly 40 years due to treatment like that, I can tell you this; the cost is definitely not worth it. The Rage gets worse with time, and your capacity to contain it will diminish over time. Burnout will become an ever larger part of your world, and relationships with all other people will get harder still. Consider this; perhaps the kind of person prepared to blackmail you with the threat of public humiliation just to make their own life easier, doesn't have your best interests at heart.
Like Ella says, the best way to process strong emotion is to get away from the immediate trigger (or obnoxious authority figure) and find a quiet space to gradually calm yourself. Though she doesn't mention it specifically in this video, stimming can be a massive help here. When I was still at home, headphones with loud music, whilst sat in the dark with my eyes closed, was a quite reliable way of at least getting heart rate & breathing under control, and if given enough time, combined with gentle (i.e. non-harmful) stimming this usually helped me achieve a crude kind of regulation like Ella describes. Maybe that helps, maybe not. Good luck with your dumbass parents.
Wow, that’s really wrong. No one should film you and share it online without your consent.
Thank you for this, as a recently identified ADHD-er it was very relatable. My meds give me the ability to pause and reflect before reacting, which makes me a better parent. It’s been life changing.
The timing on this is so perfect, Ella! Thank you! My emotional dysregulation always gets worse with summer noises of lawnmowers, etc, and it’s already heightened now in general. Excellent video!
There has been constant construction nextdoor & I feel like I can absolutely relate to what your describing.
@@bethanythatsme I feel you. Sensory overload makes just about every aspect of ASD stuff worse for me (and I’d guess for many), with emotional dysregulation being just one. I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with that noise; our neighborhood is pretty constantly noisy, whether it’s lawnmowers, tree-cutting, construction, or fireworks on days that aren’t even holidays, and the months of mid-March through mid-November are brutal. I hope the construction near you slows/stops soon!
i feel this too. on saturday it was the first day in the UK that it felt like spring. although it was a beautiful day, the intense light, lawnmowers, kids out playing, dogs barking, it was all so much. i had to go for a 7 mile walk in the countryside, even though i was running a 15 mile race the next day. sometimes i just escape by driving my car and sitting in a lay-by :-/ i love the sun but summer is 10000% harder for autistic people X
"Access to therapy can be a privilege." Ahhhh...thank you Ella !
I sit here nodding along.
This channel means so much to me, thank you for being open & sharing your experiences.
Sending love from Oregon, USA 🌲💜
And Iowa.
Thank you for doing this video. I have autism, ADHD and probably PTSD. And where I live, it's almost impossible to find a trauma-informed therapist (or very very expensive)... or even someone who understands these conditions, being disabled, living with chronic illness, etc... So when I'm seeing people who are like "I go to therapy, you should too" without giving any tips, it always disappoints me because I'm like... not everyone can. I was in therapy for more than half of my life and at best it didn't do anything, at worst it made me more depressed - because my therapists were never made to work with traumatized, neurodevelopmentally disabled nor chronically ill people.
My partner has BPD so I bought a DBT workbook from him since we have no DBT therapists here and I read that DBT was originally designed for people with BPD. He finds it extremely helpful which I've been happy about - and because it says on the first pages that it can greatly benefit people with other conditions, such as PTSD, I read through it too to see if it's for me. I had high hopes, but I was quite frankly disappointed that I felt like it doesn't apply to my emotional dysregulation specifically. Like it was mostly about uncontrollable anger and impulsive actions which are parts of emotional dysregulation, but I don't suffer with those myself. My dysregulation shows through 3 things: inability to stay calm (panic, shutdowns, high anxiety levels, etc.), needing to be around other to stay calm and constantly using distractions to get myself away from everything. And I feel like because these things aren't as "inconvenient" for others as blowing up and getting into fights, they weren't really focused on.
I always think I’ve said something wrong when someone doesn’t reply to me, but it’s usually that they were busy or were feeling overwhelmed.
I have worked on emotional regulation a lot but have been going through a bad spell lately and up popped your video! Interesting coincidence...
Thank you for this video. I was watching with my spouse and kiddo and we paused the video to discuss that emotional disregulation can have a lot of different roots. Kiddo ADHD, me (awaiting dx) autism, spouse bipolar. We restarted the video and then you bullet pointed these reasons and we laughed out loud! Thank you!
Learning want part of the body you feel the emotion in... That's such great advice. I also have alexithymia so it can be hard to understand what the emotion is.
same. I don't understand my emotions, so I try to distract myself with something else when I feel strong (often negative) emotions
Yes this was and is extremely useful information. The fact that you provide current diagnostic information, therapy and strategies along with your personal experience provides such authentic validation of the content.For those facing similar difficulties it provides a known point to start from and maybe most importantly HOPE. No written information (I have read a lot) has ever provided the same level of reassurance, comfort and hope as your videos do. Thank you.
What you talk about is exactly what I go through, I have autism and childhood trauma, which means i feel rejected a lot, even though logical i know im not
I'm not diagnosed with ADHD, but wonder if I have this too. I have a lot of PDA traits too. I find having self compassion extremely difficult. Thank you for sharing, it helps to know I'm not alone, but coping with life is very tough.
Would love to know what medication I could ask my gp about, been refused antidepressants at the moment, not sure why
Thank you so much 🙏🏼 just recently have been diagnosed with emotional dysregulation after years of trauma and even therapy. Finally getting somewhere. Having a hard time today at work and found your video. Very helpful when I really need it. Much gratitude ❤
4:30 Yes, me, too! My ADHD medication also helps me identify and process feelings and emotions, and have the executive function to address them responsibly. Sometimes it's as "simple" as realizing what I feel is hunger and being able to go prepare a piece of toast for myself without having a meltdown.
I have actually learned to regulate my emotions pretty well
I rarely ever get angry or sad
In terms of things that trigger me it’s usually something foil like anything that’s just disgustingly evil or wrong
Or just things that make me uncomfortable like anything sexual just makes me feel grossed out
But overall I’ve learned to control my emotions and I live in a very peaceful and quiet household so I’m happy
Emotional regulation is not the same as controlling or suppressing your emotions. Which, the latter you’re most likely doing if you almost never feel negative emotions.
I think you are beautiful and genuine. Thank you for helping to bless so many of us with your sincerity and honesty. I know what you mean about rejection (or feelings of abandonment). God bless you!
this video solidified in my mind that I have ADHD alongside my already diagnosed autism. I tried so hard to concentrate but I zoned out and started thinking about ChatGPT halfway through which is kinda random lol.
Really helpful video as always. Definitely something I experience and struggle to deal with ❤️
I really needed this video today, thank you! ♥️
Never thought of emotional dysregulation this is going to be so helpful. Thank you for raising awareness on this issue.
I am slowly learning to control my temper better. It even helped by getting out of where I was living and being independent even if that meant divorce.
I sometimes listen to your videos and wonder if you are my twin sister. You explain your life and it sounds like I'm explaining mine. Blessings for your work and thanks for posting.
This video is going to be a great reminder! Thank you so much for sharing.
DBT therapy has helped me a lot with regulating emotions. I still need to rely on other people some days but no one's perfect
What a fantastic noble spirit you have! I hope your journey finds peace and allows you to connect with others.
It's not just those problems either that cause troubles with emotion regulation... for me I simply wasn't taught how to recognize or regulate my emotions, my parents loved me but weren't attuned enough, so I figured out that I needed to stuff them down. No ptsd, no autism, no adhd... just that missing emotional intimacy.
Sending love from the US!
I have been looking for help with my mental health problems for 19 years in the UK. I have been introduced to a string of inappropriate and sometimes abusive mental health professionals. This process has made things much worse for me. It was surprising to hear that you have found appropriate treatment. I wonder why my experience is so different.
Do you have a recommendation or would you consider doing a topic on the opposite, being disconnected from emotions and unable to name what you're feeling? I think it was through youtube I found out about an "emotion wheel" with different types of emotions and it seems like a super helpful tool to start practicing figuring out what I'm feeling. Once I'm at the point of a shutdown, meltdown, or overstimulated sometimes I can't speak at all or identify what's wrong if someone asks. I used to have emotional impulsiveness as a teen and young adult in my 20s
I experience both extremes & would love a video on the topic. I have a poster of the feelings wheel in my bedroom & it's been a helpful tool.
The not being able to identify your feelings is called alexythmia. I think Ella has done a video on that, worth a search. I don't feel anything until suddenly the emotion is so BIG and scary and then I meltdown
This is a video about alexythymia I made ua-cam.com/video/OyMoyh16pEU/v-deo.html and a video about shutdowns ua-cam.com/video/rXD_nhl_8h8/v-deo.html - I've just added to my schedule to make a video about disassociation so look out for that in about 3 weeks. Hope that helps
@@PurpleElla Thank you!!
@@Sky-Child Yes, I have at least some; my therapists tell me that I describe things in terms of thoughts or sensations. I guess that's "wrong," but sometimes it works as a viable substitute for naming emotions. Other times, not. I looked at the emotion wheel and realized that all the "dark" emotions were the ones I felt I knew; the more positive emotions I didn't have a good sense of. Not a great sign I suppose.
A lot of my implosive meltdowns come when I'm grappling with emotions that involve a conflicting idea, like I'm angry at someone for doing something, but I realize I'm probably feeling the same thing they are and basically doing that too. Sometimes I can drag myself to cognitive empathy by that route. If I'm too close to meltdown, it's like the computer in my brain has been given two contradictory tasks, and my OS crashes. (Sorry, I know computer analogies are kind of stereotypical.) Or I'm trapped in a room and can't find a way out. At its worst it's like two different parts of my brain are trying to destroy each other.
This is deep stuff, thank you for sharing and helping me understand myself better.
Some days I can see one coming. Patience is an issue with slow processing issues and autism. So biting myself isn't a common reaction to being misunderstood computer failing or not finding something.
I'm on a waiting list to go through Diagnostic Assessment at the moment. I can't afford therapy and although I'm lucky to be on a waiting list, it's very hard. I've been waiting almost 8 months and there are those out there with a longer wait. I'm doing my own research on how to help myself and this is very useful. Thank you.
Again perfectly nailed it! Soo well explained!
I’m watching this whilst shoving down a whooping cookie due intense anxiety brought on by feeling like I’ve let someone down :/. I have bipolar and ADHD and anxiety and every word you say relates. Thank you xx
It would be so cool, if there would be a meditation with all those tips. So I‘d just have to start the meditation, when I‘m feeling overwhelmed
Thank you so so much firstly for you channel after a number of people suggesting I have likely had ASD all my life I was searching for female experiences and literally the lightbulb went on and I cried … a lot… to finally see another person whose head worked like mine and know I’m not crazy I’m just different and the other people are like this too.
For this video too …I literally need someone to give me a book to tell me how to emotionally regulate as I can’t and I’m really struggling …what you said about not getting a text response that is me every time ..and other responses like shouting stuff I don’t mean, shaking from head to foot , completely catastrophising to physically hiding under the duvet or in the loo at work …thank you for making me feel less alone .
Now I just need to pluck up courage to take my AQ score of 45 to the GP …
hi, new sub here. I knew my emotions were all over the place, but could never put a name to it, or realize that there are ways to get better. thak you for your video, and i look forward to getting to kno you and your channel more. its nice to know im not alone
Thank you for this video ❤
Thank you! 😊 💓
thank you for sharing so honestly and eloquently ..i am 60 female and am really only just begining to really understand my own neurodivergent life thus far ....im learning such a lot from you r fab videos
Thank you.This was so useful.
perfect timing. just coming down from a meltdown. i keep looking to my wrist and pray. sigh.
Ella! Thankssss for this :)
So helpful thanks ❤️
Another really helpful video
Ty for this
Nailed it.
Love you Ella! Wonderful video.
Thank you
Really good love it thank you Ella
So useful 🙏❤️
As a kid I was abused for a long time it stopped at 12 when my mom cheated and laughed that my step grandfather died I feel angry with my mom but I want closure and she wants to talk but doesn't want to bring up the past she caused and the trauma did as well then my step mom was mentally abusive then abandoned me and my sister at 15 and then I was sa many times I don't know how I survived but I'm here but I also had to help my little sister as a baby when I was 9 9 year old aren't supposed to parent it was hard finding triggers but me and my grandmother have a unhealthy family dynamic and we bicker to much and she's a whole different person it makes me feel sad and me not being able to regulate my emotions is destroying my relationship I feel bad for my partner he's also going through things I won't say all for privacy but he's helped me heal bit I get way too defensive I don't hate him I struggle to try to communicate in a healthy way I used to see my parents argue so much I thought it's how adults loved eachother I know i need help and I want to save myself and my relationship I don't want to loose the person I love again I just want to be loved
Wow it's like your my emotional twin lol. I related so much and this was helpful. Thank you
"If this video might be helpful?" Seriously - if I can keep the ADHD side in check long enough, I might have to watch it about 100 times! [Oh, thanks, by the way. Almost didn't think to say that...]. Finding help after 66 years BECAUSE there is an online ASD and ADHD community! Emotional regulation from not feeling at all to feeling it all and not being able to describe it at all! Does that sum it up for a lot of us?
Hi, this is such a helpful video, thank you very much for making it! Could you please tell me where you found an ASD/ADHD specialist Trauma Therapist? That sounds like EXACTLY what I need, but I’m not having much luck in finding out how to access that support.
This is the therapist I'm using, please mention that I referred you if you contact them aspireautismconsultancy.co.uk
Great video Ella. Would stimming help regulate emotions?
I am just now realizing that this is a problem for me. I'm 40😢
strategies/ways to regulate start at 5:39
What if you manage to catch yourself at the beginning of emotional dysregulation but you can't do anything about it because it's caused by past traumatic event and you can't stop feeling that way because you can't undo that traumatic event :/
I was looking at the similarities with asd and bpd. From what I can gather, the only real thing that is different is the levels of conscientious. It's no wonder so many women get misdiagnosed with bpd.
🙏💜
I thought my reaction was perfectly normal because my ex really abused me emotionally and also sexually. but my current partner said no. and I've known for a while that it's not normal. I can't regulate myself for days I even pulled his beard and hit him today. no he is not a sweetheart either but he loves me and cares i know. we hurt each other but for me everything remains weird in my head also that you are very insecure although everything can be a trigger and feel like criticism I notice that I don't even can live normally previously i just had this 3 times a week it is tiring. Also i feel like in a sort of danger state and can't get out of it. My New therapist send me home Yesterday because i was on edge i wanted to go home i was lost in that city felt overwelmd and cried on the streets.
I find cold showers very helpful.
I'm not sure I quite understand the concept of this video. Is there something wrong with having emotions? I feel like you're asking me to stop feeling pain when you hit me...
I think it's safe to say I have abandonment issues and I have to think twice or more to really judge if I'm being abandoned, but me feeling abandoned is true and not something to regulate.
If I get angry, I'm not the one that need to regulate being angry, the person making me angry need to regulate and stop causing me harm. My level of anger is not up for discussion, it DOESN'T matter if I get a little or a lot angry.
Your confusing the fact I can have PTSD or something else that leads to being angry by mistake, not that you need to regulate the anger in that situation either, you need to deal with the PTSD.
Never tell someone with something like ASD or ADHD to REGULATE emotions... That is forced masking and I'm a broken piece of shit because of it.
Why even mention dbt ?? Are you aware that it is eugenics based? Doesnt help the majority of autistic/adhd/CPTSD patients? Bc it puts too much focus on the individual needing to change.