LISA I LOVE YOU and YOUR STYLE OF SPEAKING the most on youtube. Your lessons are to the point and you don't waste time getting the point across. Your the best. I am learning so much and I am being equipped with weapons to stop ignorant narcissistic talk next time it tries to take advantage of me or anyone else. Also, "What you don't express gets suppressed." That is powerful. Is it possible for an alcoholic narcissist to be healed to think healthy again? How would you even suggest to a narcissist that they have such a condition? They might get super offended and really tell you how it is lol.
STIZEN9 : Lisa is great! You can't hope to tell them because it only gives them a reason to attack you. I love Lisa's advice, and also love listening to "The Little Shaman " videos, both are excellent in helping to understand the hurtful nature of these people. Take care....
I was forty years old when I realized I had never been allowed to have my own feelings. I was laughed at when I cried because my dog died. I was told "Don't feel that way." "You don't want that." "You want this." My mother is nearly 96 and she still tells me what I want, what I should feel, what I should do, what I should eat, who I should hug, that my memories are wrong. She doesn't know anything about me. She doesn't know my favorite color, book, movie, spiritual beliefs and she doesn't know these simple things about my children and grandchildren either. I wish I could say I handle this graciously but the truth is I still have this need for her to understand I'm not her ... I am improving. What I have learned is to recognize her narcissism as hers, not mine. When we get together tomorrow for Christmas dinner she is still going to tell me where to sit and I'm still going to sit where I choose.
I told my inner child to feel everything deeply, feel as much as you can, and never let anyone tell you your feelings aren't important, valid or meaningful..
A person can't really be interested in knowing another person, if they are not interested in knowing themselves. That's just too damn intimate and a narcissist does not want true intimacy .
Huge red flag: "I didn't hurt you." I can't believe I continued to go back to someone who was not only hurting me but telling me it didn't hurt while he did it. Talk about adding insult to injury... Thank you for this video Lisa.
Exactly the same here. My mom kept making it about others, and how others are more important than me. And when something happened to me at school, she found me guilty. So i shut down, and i put others first, totally disconnected with myself. Now i m healing from this awful soul sickness
The part about not being allowed to have your own experience is so right. Up until a person expresses their experiences and the thoughts and emotions associated with them, they are living with the "voice" of the abuser. In short, you live your abuser's experience of you. With healing, you release their voice and influence and replace it with your own. This is extremely difficult to do in societies that are premised on the same dysfunctional premises that our abusive homes are. This is why most people don't heal. This is why most people attack those who are aware and who dare to take that journey. You will hear things like " Get over it, we have all been abused. Grow up and quit whining." The code seems to be "Tough people don't heal, that is for weak people, cry babies". If you've ever embarked upon a healing journey, you know that it is not for the faint of heart. It takes an incredible amount of courage and determination.
I grew up thinking I was stupid and got terrible grades in school......flash forward 30 years and my sister found a notebook that our mother kept our report cards in. I didn't really want to look at them but I did.....and I burst into tears.....I had made nearly all A's, a couple of B's a C! How could my thinking be so skewed? I remember being terrified to bring my report cards home......
Another sneaky example of what you were talking about at the end is a family member will pretend they are OK with what you're saying, even validate and then save it in a corner of their mind to use against you when they see a chance. Speaking from experience here. My sister is (was...since I don't talk to her anymore) an expert at that.
OMG. YOU HAVE OPENED MY EYES ON WHAT I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS AT 8 YRS OLD. (MY 1ST SUICIDE ATTEMPT) WOW. GLAD I FOUND YOU!!! THANK YOU. LUMP IN MY THROAT FROM BEGINNING TO END!
BeYou2Fullest So-Mi hey read You can heal your life by Louise Hay and workbook available helped me heaps usually from library and second hand! might be on net! doing affirmations to forgive someone (while u ponder what upset you) and release them to love and light has helped me heal lots! and watch utube Take Back your,life - Bashar - awesome stuff and empowering and I do yoga even ten mins daily will I do downward dog shoulder stand and if u don't have back issues lay flat on back and lift legs straight up don't hold and arms straight out above head - lift arms and lower legs and bend from hips and reach for toes don't hold then lay back down and repeat maybe ten times or what is comfortable - build up to 50 morning and night -:also helps with weight loss and toning - if can only do two that is OK! yoga along with alternate nostril breathing connects u with your spirit and god connection so u can make decisions and choices better! Xmas can be a tough time but keep chin up ! I wish u a great Xmas! I am in Australia and my folks died six years ago and have had Xmas alone with my pets since then and this year as I have broken down in outback Australia while travelling in campervan there will be people to spend Xmas with and its freaking me out as I think I want to be alone but probably shouldn't as my pet rabbits were killed last Xmas and one near new year! there r so many dysfunctual people on planet so we aren't alone as everyone is a bit broken but take tiny baby steps to heal and don't be anything but kind to yourself! God bless and stay safe! lol
Another thing; they cannot change; they do not have the ability to see things as an adult. There may be a "glimmer of change" here or there, only to find yourself disappointed again. It is a circus. And, you will be in charge of every single detail that they do not "want" to do; no matter what. Everything pretty much. For young women; do not get involved quickly; take your time. This is your LIFE!! One mistake can set you back 30+ years. Get to really, truly know someone, and be careful who you allow into your front door. This all cost me my precious daughter; I have not seen her in 17 years now because of the nightmare I married into and how I could not seem to overcome it; illness. Your life partner should be your everything; your very best friend; your confidant; you absolute half; a narc will NEVER be that for you. You will grow old, alone!
+Denise Horn Hello there. I am interested in your story. Can you further elaborate on what the narc did to you and your daughters. Thank you and have a great day.
***** Another great video. You know, I noticed something about narcs. They seem to operate in a great deal of paranoia. To them, everyone else must be as conniving as they are. Life is a big chess game that they have to win, so they project ill motives onto other people. If you don't get them a gift for an occasion, they will imagine some bad intentions on your part and react accordingly. And it may be that you just couldn't afford a gift. But they just think and seethe and plan on how to teach you a lesson, so they can sit back and say "checkmate!". Everything you do is analyzed as a chess move, and in their minds it's a MUST that they win that imaginary game.
I immediately felt comforted by your story and words because I just discovered that my husband of ten years is a narcissist. I always thought he was bipolar and a counselor thought it was borderline personality disorder, but hes actually a narcissist. I recently been researching because I started to believe I was the crazy one. I know I AM NOT! hes made me feel for years that I have to apologize for who I am and he villianizes me in his head all the time. even though I am by his side through the bad and good, and always supportive of him. I felt so comforted by you and wished you could hug me, bc I know you know what I am going through. Thank you for your videos. New subbie
LISA uncovers the damage that nobody else can. My ears are healed and my mind is healed and my heart is healed, there is no quantitative value for this-- Thank you--
I can really relate. It is so frustrating to be with someone who has really unhealthy communication skills, and tends to insunuate things rather than asking, tells you what you are thinking or feeling rather than listening to what you say or bothering to ask, assumes the worst, is self absorbed and acts like their happiness, and the success of the relationship (or the failures) are all on you. The negativity is also a real downer, just constant complaints, problems that don't ever seem to have a solution, because as soon as you fix it to their desired outcome, then the outcome is wrong or becomes what they don't want, etc. Narcissists, in my opinion, some of them are just emotional black holes that are never satisfied unless they can manage to keep you off balance and feeling like you don't quite measure up. I know my own worth, thank God.
Narcissists not only say outright "I know what you're thinking". Even more importantly, they will act or speak as if they already know what your feeling and thinking. Who the hell else does that? Think about it.
Thank you Lisa 💖. Your teaching is helping me finally get it! I'm 62 and a social person. And just now understanding why some folks are jerks. Thank you for being open and fair. I try and catch myself when I also try and judge others. It's unfair and doesn't allow me to be open. Somebody wrote: try and go through a day not judging anybody or any thing. That's a challenge !
I am from an abusive family and you just gave me the answer. I need to reprogram myself, that is part of the healing. I am awake, I know now and no one can screw with me again. Thank you so much!!
Watching this I felt a strange combination of nausea and relief: The nausea, for recognizing the behavior in my own relationship with my parents, and the relief, that there is a way out.Thank you Lisa, for showing me that it's not all in my head and that I wasn't "overreacting". I can't thank you enough!
My favorite is when they say "It was supposed to be a joke" ( telling you they saw your boyfriend with someone else). Of course it was a joke to them.. I have no doubt it was.
I love how you say "my dear ones". Hugs to you, girl, I've been and still am in a situation with a narc. I don't want to say too much about it, only that I feel like I'm constantly counting myself away to keep my inner peace... Agree, suck up, or shut up. Keep all commmunications very limited. Say things like "Well, I'm sorry you're feeling that way." When I'm told I'm stupid I simply say "Yes, I am!" and then smile in a goofy way. I feel like with a narcissist I can't be my true self. I give in constantly to keep the peace. I don't like being yelled at like this person is blowing the hair off of my skull... I don't like to be provoked. So I give in. Every. Single. Time. And I'm fed up with it. Especially because it's my handicapped mother whom I can't just get away from...
Lisa, I swear for the first 3 minutes of this vid, you were describing MY childhood! Fortunately, at 62, I've done the work and am happier than I have ever been, although you always have the effects of scars. I must recommend a work that was the only oasis in the eighties, when there was no internet, and enabled me to ditch bad therapists (of which the majority are, I'm afraid) because I had evaluation tools. The book is "People of the Lie", by the late M. Scott Peck. Its really a must and really is still the most comprehensive textbook of this syndrome called "Malignant Narcissism". He calls the "mind reading" you describe, "Mind Rape" AGAIN the only possible name for this behavior. Keep up the good work!
OMG! Thank you! I'm in the middle of a divorce from a N. I cannot tell you how many times I was told that "Your feelings aren't real," "It doesn't exist", "Isn't true", "It's in your imagination," "crazy", "insane", "Your in another episode, RECOGNIZE IT!"... Over an OVER for 17 years. I started to believe him. I am lucky to come out of this relationship alive and now I'm fighting for my life and the life of my children. I'm SO blessed to have found your videos!!
Oh Lord I have such a long road of recovery.....I have already messed up my two oldest I think. I need to focus and pray and really sit back and open my eyes and think before speaking.
Last night my father attacked my son because he was cleaning. My son said no when he said stop and my dad blew up. Hes 85 got out of his chair said Im going to hit you and had a picker upper raised to hit my 21 yr old tried to choke him with other hand. Kid pushed him off and he fell on the floor. Over garbage and recycling. My dads a hoarder and worse. Im sick and disabled cant find any help. Im so sick now after years of serious abuse. Thank God for you tube and the smart, caring people like you. I will keep listening...
Oh he knows. I ran away with my son when he was 2. Made it 5yrs before I fell apart. The truth was so devastating I had a breakdown and have never recovered. But those yrs. were EVERYTHING to my sons mental health. This man shouldve been jailed for what he did. To me as a child, my son as a child and who knows how many others. I have no money, no energy and no escape. I love my animals and would have to be dead to leave them. So Im trying to stay sane even though my dad wishes I would die.
Thanks I will check it out. Ive always been suspicous of my teeth. I felt good until a few years after having fillings put in. I also think my body is staying tense to keep me from re-connecting to all the sick abuse I experienced. Glad to hear things are improving for you. Gotta focus on the good ;)
It doesn't matter why or how your dad abuses, This is about you and your life. Ask yourself, 'why am i still here?' and 'can i not get that from anywhere else, minus the abuse?' chances are, you can. If anything, trusting your very own instincts and being alone, is better than being with abusers. Being alone and focusing on yourself for awhile can be very healing. Find that bravery, you have it in you somewhere.
I have never ever heard someone say they married their mother. I remember when I realized that...it felt so unreal...the worst part was that I knew no one would believe or support me.
Oh my god u r helping me to be a better mother!! My mother was a narcissist. I do not know how to be a healthy mother for my 12 and 2 year old when it comes to their feelings and how im supposed to speak to them to make them happy healthy Human beings. This video was sooo helpful!
Helps me understand the narcissism in all my co-dependant relationships. All in different degrees and how all of it falls under emotional abuse. I've been learning how to use my healthy boundaries. And some extreme boundaries with the people who would deny that they were even crossing boundaries emotionally. I had to stop the relationships altogether. With my parents and siblings I can't, but I have my coping boundaries. Working on the long term plan of moving out, which is harder because I have an emotional disorder and other issues weighing down the progress, but progress is happening. Must persevere till the breakthroughs happen. I just need my own space and time away with short times of spending time with my family. And build my own healthy relationships. Which so far, I'm not that great at, because I still tend to attract not that healthy people in my life yet. So that means, I need to grow more, I think. One truth always strengthens me, my faith in Christ and how God calls me His child, I am loved and I was made for a good purpose. To fight all the negative talk that tried to define me, but was really, people parroting abuse they also received.
Obviously there is nothing wrong with the narcissist.The problem is the empathic who need to restore their boundaries and stay the hell away.I have no words to thank you enough for bringing so much self esteem to my life. I know now after 64 years of struggles that I am OK, nothing is wrong with me , that I do not have amnesia nor I am delusional...but I have a strong case of fatal attraction and I understand why my life has been so meaningless.You gave me tools to fend myself and it makes me feel good.
You are wonderful! I love the gift giving! My ex told me that the gifts I bought him were not gifts because they were bought with his money. My ex was very passive aggressive. Your helping me more than years of therapy!
I completely agree that you have to look at the relationship as a third person. I spent years going to therapy because of the abuse of my mother, and I rarely ever see her but when I do she is so cold to me, especially in front of other people. She doesn't understand how cruel she is. I have to look at the situation as a third person and realize she has "issues" and it's not my game. I separate myself.
My N husband said to me recently, "I know what you are REALLY like!" "I know how you are!" In a seething voice, unprovoked as per usual. He was looking to feed...
From a new "Dear One" :-) My healing journey from Narc abuse, coda, ACA has been at times life and death. The fact that doing the work, works, still seems like a miracle! I really like that you referred to the narc/perp as a troubled or disturbed person. One of the best ways, I have found, to cool my own fires of outrage from abuse, is to really view their disease! I mean, look at it. The isolation and self loathing or emotionally dead, empty and unable to connect with their own humanity. It is through education that I found my compassion for the abuser. This compassion then allows me to maintain my healthy neutrality. I hope someone finds this useful. Thank you so much for this so needed work!!! You are AWESOME!!!
I get such a warm fuzzy feeling from listening to you Lisa. I’m so glad I found you on UA-cam because after I’ve been abused all day, I know that I can turn on your channel and start to heal
Thank you so much for your videos. I have been watching them for the last couple of days because I had a friend tell me they thought I was codependent. I'm also recently divorced from a man that I am learning is a covert or nice narcissist. I just didn't want to believe for the longest time that I allowed to let myself get sucked in and controlled and demoralized for 1years before I found the strength to leave. You have helped me to understand me better, and now I'm on this path to learn to love me and set boundaries.
Thanks for sharing, there are so many valid and helpful points here. There's one thing I wanted to offer as an addendum because I've found it to be true from my own life. It has been my own experience that it is severely unwise (and can even be downright dangerous) to ever bother disclosing your genuine thoughts, feelings, and motivations to any person who would assume to know them in the first place and go so far as to verbalize such to you directly. A lot of narcissistic people actually do this as a way to provoke you into revealing your own vulnerabilities. If they can say something so off about you that it rubs you the wrong way, irritates you, and triggers you to respond by correcting them.. and you fall for that, then I'm sorry but you've just been played like a fiddle and probably weren't even aware as to their true motives for mis-labeling you in the first place. It's a very common misconception that if someone is a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath that they can't also be a very intelligent person. They can be extremely smart but they'll always employ those wits in dark ways, like being cunning IS an expression of high intelligence to them, and something they actually admire and aspire to. If you are having this sort of troublesome issue with someone in your life or even on the periphery of it assuming everything about you.. the safest and best thing that you can do for your own well-being and self-preservation (and this is supported by real psychology) is to SHUT UP about yourself and cut them off completely from any flow of genuine info about yourself that would be regularly coming from you AND THEN JUST SIT BACK AND OBSERVE THEM VERY VERY CLOSELY.. because eventually, out of a sense of sheer desperation for info (anything that they can use to somehow manipulate you with, and nothing is TOO SMALL) they will literally begin to unconsciously reveal to you what they think of you and how they actually see you.. and from that point you can actually gauge how off they are and what their true intentions are for wanting to acquire certain info about you in the first place. This is the only tactic that has ever worked for me when it comes to identifying and weeding out potential narcissists and other personality-disordered people who are looking to get their hooks in you or find an in into your life. There's a Jordan Peterson vid on youtube where he actually offers that exact advice when one finds oneself in that kind of situation, and as it's been validated repeatedly by my own experience of applying it in the past, I believe that he's absolutely correct in offering that line of approach. Hope this is helpful somehow for anyone feeling stuck and suffering in such a situation. Stay strong, within yourself, and with keeping your own healthy boundaries intact
Thank You! Finally, someone who knows what we are going through! Just wished the justice system would recognize this problem. I been married to one for 30 years. I finally "woke up".
My ex covert narcissist said aaaaall the time that he knew what I (and EVERYBODY) felt and thought. So spot on, and the twisting and turning and making up his own stories in his head of what he thought was the truth. He would constantly project things on me that had nothing to do with me but was obviously about himself. He also got told me to "Shut up and just apologize. I don't want to hear your excuses, just apologize" Which I did not cause I hadn't done anything wrong in that case. I actually laughed at him so many times when he said the absurd things, because it was just too illogical to take serious, which of course made him even more upset (he wanted me to blame myself). Luckily I didn't let him get to me and knew from when the devalue state started that there was something wrong with him and not me, and it ended short after that. I feel lucky that I came from a stable loving home that I could realize this was very wrong behaviour and get out in time. I hope everyone that were not so lucky with their upbringing can get the knowledge to know it is not them but the narc that is at fault.
I remember an incident whereby I was requested to 'drop everything' - in terms of my plans for the morning - to help out and drive her to a meeting that she said she'd forgotten about. I became aggitated and went to the computer to begin making arragements to reschedule in order to help out. She then verbally attacked me for trying to deliberately make her late for her meeting. I was dumbfounded that someone 'applying for assitance' could be so aggressive. I yelled back sighting the madness of her stance. It excited her to have riled me so much. It was a characteristic of the 'corrosion'...
I know this is an older video, I found your videos yesterday and I have woke up this morning more awake then EVER before. I'm a codependent empath that came from a very abusive home. It's taken me so long to be able to put my feelings and emotions into perspective. You have helped me so much already
I rarely comment on UA-cam videos, but as I'm watching this, I feel compelled. First off, I am really enjoying this video. I am identifying with some of your key points at just 5 minutes in. My ex partner is a covert narcissist, as is her father. Her father is famous for knowing what other people's motives are, and he tried insinuating that I was trying to be difficult with him for disagreeing with him. His exact words, "You're just trying to be difficult" and even after I said I was not, he said, "Yes, you are". On another occasion, months earlier, when I apologized to him, his response was, "Well, you say sorry now..." He was the kind of person who thought he knew what others thought, and he was also the kind of person who was always waiting for others to screw up. My ex partner was a carbon copy of him. Secondly, your video is making me evaluate my own family dynamic, both from my childhood, and now as a single dad. I don't think I'm a codependent to the degree I once was, but I think my childhood was quite dysfunctional, and I do wonder if I married my mother. Lastly, I'd like to offer a piece of advice I heard from another channel. If you want to know if you're dealing with a narcissist, ask them, "In what way do you think you could change or improve yourself?" I also like your advice to simply disagree with them. That's brilliant!
Cheers to be awoken! My mother's a covert-narc to and I just escaped a former love interest that was a covert-narc. Nothing gets resolved, communication sucks, and both of them are emotionally unavailable.
Lisa, I just discovered you today, I feel like you are speaking directly to my heart and describing my own upbringing. I feels so good to be understood. Thank you for these videos!
After all these years, I know have a name to put to what I have been dealing with for 40+ years. I will continue to watch and listen to you. Thank you.. I always thought it was my fault. My fault was wanting to believe the lies he would tell me or others. He would have nothing but good things to say about me in front of others but at home the story was not the same. I was/am not good enough and do all things wrong.
In one of the annotations in Lisa's video, she mentioned something in which I would respectfully beg to differ. She referred to "sick, insane *logic."* I would have preferred something like "sick, insane *thinking."* In my mind, logic refers to clear, rational thinking based upon truth. Other than that, she is spot on and *awesome!*
Good stuff, Lisa! I believe I've been SURROUNDED by these people all my life. My guy now likes to negate ANYTHING I have to say. Which is interesting because when I met him I had everything a girl could ever want, a house in San Francisco, a business that was successful, my car was paid for cash, I owed not a dime to anybody. I had friends, hobbies always something going on in my world. These people shrink your wolrd like a wool sweater tossed in a hot washer! I meet this guy, he's accomplished NOTHING, but he KNOWS EVERYTHING. I became a moron overnight. He's entitled to whatever he wants. According to him, I don't know a damn thing! It was like my life hit BLACK ICE. I lost everything. Whatever I say, his answer is "No, you don't know what you're talking about." I tell him how is it I accomplished SO MUCH before I met you, I'm a fairly intelligent person, but now that I've met YOU, I don't know a damn thing? These people are amazing! It's such a waste of time.
Whitewolf Wendi Brown - I can relate to this. It was as if I was reading my own personal unfortunate relationship experience. Feels good to have others relate and understand.
YES, exactly... I can't believe I didn't leave sooner. This is such a fucked up pattern. For everyone wondering how the justify this this, my ex narcissist used to say he was "JUST STATING HIS OPINION" and to "not attack his opinion" because nothing was fact in a relationship, it was all perspective, which he was entitled to. I would tell him, that he's entitled to his opinion, but he must not state it as fact. I told him, "You're not omnipotent or all knowing" and it really pissed him off lol
I do recognize the experience you are talking about, I grew up under such conditions, and I've lived in similar relationships as an adult, trying to heal (not a very successful path). But today, listening to you, what's really bothering me is that I recognize myself too in relation to my own son. It's not a pretty picture. I can hear myself saying "I know what you're thinking, what your intentions are" convinced that he's trying to manipulate me. Thank you for making me aware of my own behavior.
Lisa, I can't tell you thank you enough! For the first time in my life, I finally get it! I finally understand why, whywhy, why... I understand my poor communication skills, my enhanced empathic skills, my hypervigilance, oversensitivity, detachment from my body, disconnection from others... I always thought there was sooooo much wrong with me! I knew my mom was a narcissist but I didn't realize how this affected me I didn't realize that my mom brainwashed me. Now I can listen to her and I know what she's doing from my bodily reactions and now I don't react because I have nothing to prove anymore!!!!!!!! My mom looks confused when I don't react ... Yeah, I know what she's been doing now. She gave birth to me in the same way people get an extra car from the junkyard for extra parts!!! No, you cannot have any of my extra parts anymore!!!! Thank you Lisa! I feel more free than I ever have I don't have any confusion anymore! I can see all these years my higher self has always been trying to lead me in the right direction and that's why I always have so much confusion due to my brainwashing!!!! Wow! I feel like the prison gates have been opened. It's gonna take a little bit to get used to this :) thanks!
You have no idea the impact that this video has had on me...I thank the universe for leading me to you. I have made the connection to my co dependency and my relationship with my mother and many more things. I just ended my relationship with my narcissist partner and the fact that I can advance in the healing process is all thanks to this video. The clarity is surreal and I hope you all the best and more for helping us all. xx
My kids are not allowed to say how they feel at X's home. It is always called back talk. X and his spouse do not respond to children when they try to have a conversation.... they are ignored. .... It tears me up that they have to exist in this environment. I know what it's like. It's like walking on glass. Anything can set the Narcissist off. Then they attack others to feel better.
First of all, you can't possibly be old enough to have a 26-year-old child. Second, I'm SO GLAD I found you! Seesawed between tears and relief as I watched and listened to you. My father was a raging narcissist (literally raging) and my mother was passive (still is) to the point of inertia. Dear old dad was addicted to Nembutal which underscored his behavior. After Mom managed to get herself, my sister and me away from him, he upped the ante by washing down his RX drugs with booze. Fun, fun, fun! To say he was toxic seriously understates the situation. Thank you for doing what you do! I'm going to do a marathon viewing of your videos. I'll stop now because if I don't, the dam will break and there's really not enough room to accommodate the spillover. In closing, a few years ago I extricated myself from a budding relationship with a passive aggressive, narcissistic, recovering alcoholic before it really got started. Just cut him out of my life. I'm learning but it's taken me a long time to listen to my gut instincts. Once again, thank you so much! You know your stuff, chica. Please know that the only women I call "chica" are those I truly respect.
After 15 years of being in love with a narcissist, and turning the other cheek so many times it is numb from being slapped....I said..."No MAS!!!" He was texting, and asking for "naked" pics merely weeks before walking down the isle with another woman! I feel for that woman because she doesn't know him like she thinks she does! He couldn't believe that I would deny him anything! His response was.."so you don't even want me to say hi...or keep in touch?" Ummm.....NO....I don't! After 15 years he knows exactly how I feel, and was just trying to rub my nose in his "happiness" because that's what he does! She will find out on her own in due time I'm sure! But if he wants to compromise his integrity, and risk his marriage he'll have to do it with some other "supply" because I am NOT it! ;) Thank you for sharing your insights Lisa! Very helpful for me, truly! God Bless!
Stumbled across your videos because after nearly 4 years of no contact, I'm finally mentally stable enough to fear living in fear/depression/escape avoidance/isolation more than changing my entire life. I love the way you break it down. Simply, but eloquently. Thanks for your bravery!
This is SO helpful! I really find these kinds of videos are super useful - I mean they all are, but the ones where you share specific conversations, what to look out for, and what to say with the actual words is great. The thoughts and ideas make complete sense; but my brain isn't yet used to putting together 'how to say this' so when you articulate it like this I watch it over and over until it sinks in :)
Thank you Lisa, you are right, once they have you, once they believe you think they hang the moon, they start the degredation. I recently realized that saying no is the best test. if they can handle.you saying no, for any reason, they are not a narcissist. if they can't handle.no and disrespect it, that is someone to run from. at my job, my boss's daughter literally said "I feel that you feel" negative things about her, and used examples that had nothing to do with her. and I said so, but it was useless. she also said I was the only one that they had this problem with, and yet my boss said they had a hard time keeping employees. I'm getting better at spitting them and sitting back and objectively answering so they move on. once you are emotionally detatched, they know they lost, but will find another way. I digress. my point is you are spot on. thank you
Im half way through this video and I AM CRYING BECAUSE MY LIFE WAS YOUR LIFE! You are so wise to get healthy and to share this! God Bless you! Lisa, you nailed it! Youre eyes are open wide and you are sharing. I hope you continue to teach this and share. GOD BLESS YOU!
“If you think you know what I’m thinking I’ll give you an 8x10 and you can talk to my picture.” Pure gold! 😂 laughter can be hard to come by in these situations.
Lisa, I just found your videos and they are a lifesavers!! I have just recently broke up with a man that I now see was narcissist, but I was always too afraid to say it because he's such a 'good guy'. But listening to your videos is so validating to my experience I have had with him! That man would never came through with anything he ever said. He's throw phrases like this around: "Hey, let's go to Seattle for the weekend", or "hey, I will help you fix this or that...", "I will have a vasectomy done" you name it, NONE of these EVER happened unless I took charge and made everything happened. I was literally forced to beg him for every minute I could spend with him and when I told him he never reaches out to me and asks me to see me, he'd say that I never give him a chance. I used to buy him little gifts here and there, cook food for him, brought care packages as soon as he'd expressed any discomfort.....I even efing paid for both of us for vacation to Mexico, for MY 40th birthday, yet he did not even get my f*** gift, not even a card when we got there!! I paid for everything, and he took me out for dinner, which we did every day....hey, it was our vacation. I was a full time student, self employed, single mom with 2 kids and I basically adopted this dude and his 2 young kids and catered his every need just to feel loved. He never asked what I like, how I like it, when I like it, what can he do for me.....And when he did, it never came through anyway. Yet, for whatever reason, he seemed to be the 'cool' one. I looked up to him like he was some kind of God. I exhausted myself, abandoned myself and my own kids to be held by him....which was happening less and less as time went on. He had no filter on and never understood why my feelings got hurt when he asked me if I would be comfortable watching him have sex with another woman! When I told him I was really hurt by that, he's freak out and tell me that he clearly has to walk on eggshells around me and can't tell me everything! He's make sarcastic comments about me reading a lot of spiritual books and self help books, yet his entire library consisted of probably 10 books. I was at school, really struggling emotionally because I clearly had NO support from him (he'd NEVER show up at my doorstep spontaneously, nor if I'd call him for support) plus I was really trying to make this relationship work because by then I thought I was the faulty one. I recognized that this was really bad person for me 4 months into the relationship. I knew, and my therapist suggested I end it then too before I get too into it, I should have ended it but I did not. I was terrified. And I dragged it and I let him emotionally passively abuse me until I almost killed myself. Last 4 months of our relationship he never stopped talking about his new female colleague and how awesome she was, and how much he liked her, and how they transformed the workplace the two of them....last few weeks, right after our return from Mexico, he started to hide his phone a lot, he was really irritated by my touch, I knew something was wrong (on top of a wrong relationship). I wanted to ask him if he had feelings for her but did not want to project any jealousy...he'd deny it anyway. Anyhow, we broke up because I could no longer ignore my soul's calling me back.....he's a nurse!! and he kept telling me how depressed I was and needed help, needed to get on medications...and I knew I did not needed it. I knew what I had to do so I did it. And guess what - few days later I already saw him with that amazing colleague of his on a date! I saw them 3 times in a matter of 4 days yet he had the guts to tell me that they are not dating, that he did not leave me for another woman, that dating colleagues is YAK and he does not do that. Anyway......I became so angry Lisa! I felt like I was danger to myself how much anger I felt. It's been 2 months now and I see him posting pictures of his new found love already. In our random conversations, he never admitted any fault in our relationship. It was all me. I apparently forced my love onto him that he could not live up to it. I bought him tons of presence for xmas, which he KNEW about, I kept telling him how excited I was about being in love finally after 12 years of marriage, and he bought me a book. A book that I already had!! Had he ever bothered to look into my extensive bookshelf, he would have known it. He opened all his amazing presents and told me: oh, if I knew you were getting me all these presents I would have spoiled you rotten!!! What a bunch of lies! He NEVER ever went out of his way for me. Anyway....it feels sooo good letting it out!! Now I am the crazy one because I am truly experiencing my feelings and he just went on to another woman. He just tells me: I am the calm one here! you are the emotional one with absolutely no empathy for how I am feeling seeing him everywhere with her. And till this day I still find excuses for his behavior! But you know what? NO MORE!!! I am done! I have truly reached my limit. Before him I 'dated' a true sociopath and now this! The worst thing is that he really does appear as an awesome guy. He is fun, he is sweet, until there is need for depth and empathy in the relationship...that's where it all begun. After the break up I realized I was chasing validation I have never gotten from my dad....now when I look at pictures of me and my ex it kind of scares me how much I even look like his daughter Rather then his partner and a lover. In past I'd hurry into another relationship out of the pain.....not any more. I am hurting like hell but I am getting through this and I am done with co-dependence! OMG, that reminds me that he told me twice that our relationship was like a one with an alcoholic! However I was the abusive one apparently and he just kept staying from co-dependency! So thank you! I am now more awake than I have ever been. I have been doing Somatic therapy for over 3 years now and I am finally back to my old self again and I swear from now on I will ALWAYS follow my gut feelings! I will not question those any more and I will not give into the fear of pain.
+Jackie Emily WTH...??? wow...my mother and my ex used to sit and talk just to smear my name...my ex and my mother were emotionally the same person!! I didn't know at the time....
Lisa, I was running yesterday morning and came across your videos! I'm married to a narcissist husband and we are on the verge of divorce due to the emotional abuse! You are an amazing coach!!! Thank you for your advice, you came into my life at the perfect time! I can relate to you because this is my 3rd and last NARC marriage!!!!! !!!
my family should win awards for their dysfunctional attitudes. Physical, emotional and psychological abuse was the normal, of course it was always my fault and I believed it. I felt the shame and guilt that was not mine to feel, narcissists are very good at transferring
This is literally many first time ever commenting on a UA-cam video and I just want to say thank you so much. I turned 29 on the 5th of this month and I'm just now getting to know who I was turned into and who I really am. Your such an inspiration to me and I thank you so much for your videos and insight. Your a beautiful person and I Love You so much as a person. Thank You!
Another way this manifests from the narcissist parent is... "OH! You don't feel that way!!" --if I ever had a negative emotion, my mom couldn't handle the fact that I did, so she ... Simply ... Negated it. Again, like you experienced, as if I didn't have the right to feel bad. It had been my mom's way of coping/ dealing with her OWN negative emotions as a child, I think. She even quite often said that the adults in her life pounded home the message to her, "Children are to be seen and not heard." So, guess what I was to my mom? Yep. A little "dolly" to dress up.. To make "cute"... To be seen. --as a reflection of HER "good parenting." And not only THAT! ...she also FREQUENTLY told me that I was "as good as good," since I kept quiet. I grew up LITERALLY NOT knowing HIW to carry in a conversation. Anywhere. To this day (even now, at 54 years old), I still struggle with this. I "train" people not to listen to me ...in "conversations." Then I feel bad, because I'm "invisible." How sick is THAT!! Yuck!
You are a god send, I’m sorry for all the suffering you had to go through for the first thirty odd years of your life! I was living a condition life until I started to very slowly at first see the light. You help so much to validate and give us a voice. Keep spreading the awareness as you are helping all around the world to wake up. Our suffering as you are proving can be turned around (alchemy) for the good of oneself and humanity. 🙏💕
The accusations you experienced were exactly the same I endured for 6 years with an ex. The crazy making is insane. Thank you for sharing this information for the public.
I've been watching your videos for awhile. I love that you keep it so real. In sharing your personal experience, I learn and can see mine. The times you avoid dropping the f bomb I cheer "let it out girlfriend!" I completely relate and find it incredibly beautiful and therapeutic to listen to you. Your shitty programming as a child has left you with the gift of wisdom to help and heal me thru mine. How does one find words to thank someone for that? Deepest gratitude.
This was really humbling to listen to. I display many narcissistic qualities and have been working to remedy them, and this video showed me another really important skill to work on. Thank you for this.
Hi Lisa, I'm enjoying your videos, not only are they insightful and extremely intelligent they're also refreshing and humorous. I'm a (just) 56 year old co-dependent and an empath, I'm also the daughter of a narcissistic mother, with whom I haven't had any contact since May 2009, the ex wife of a narc and I'm now trying to break free of an ex boyfriend of 7 years who has been stalking me and won't let go, but I'm getting there with your help. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Warm wishes, Karen
Hi Karen...thank you for letting me know the work I do is helping you break free. I am not sure you know about my coaching program that has been designed for people just like you. My online class starts again January 12th, 2017. it is a complete study at your own pace coaching program. Here is a link to check it out www.lisaaromano.com/productdisplay/12-week-breakthrough-coaching-program-early-bird-special
This reminds me of hearing my Mother say to me ...more than once "I know you better than you know yourself!!!" I felt terrible when she would say this.She did NOT know me because she never spent time with me. And for disagreement for most of my life she never allowed me to disagree. Now at age 65,I am finally finding myself and my own strength.
When I was attacked by a kid I didn't know, three houses away from my home in 12th grade, my mother criticized me for coming home in a bad mood, and when I told her I had just been attacked by some kid I didn't know, her response was "What did you do to him?". She wasn't asking how did I fight back, she was assuming that it must have been my fault if I was attacked. When I told her I hadn't done anything to that kid, she didn't express any concern for how I was feeling or whether I had been injured. She kept "pushing" me somehow, and it triggered the first time I had ever really blown up at her, because the random attack had unbalanced my emotional state, I couldn't take her abuse on top of the previous abuse. Did she then express any concern about my condition? No. But after I went back to my afternoon class she called the school to chew them out for the fact that I had been attacked. Not because she cared about me, but because my being attacked had resulted in me blowing up at her for the first time in my life. My being attacked by some random punk was only of concern to her when it resulted in her having to take some heat. She was outraged that her son could get attacked by another student, only because it affected her. For the first (and only) time in her life she experienced a moment of feeling fear of me. she had to retaliate by tongue-lashing school administrators over the phone, because she didn't have the guts to stand up to my anger, let alone apologize to me for anything.
Very good information on effective communication. I like your assertive strategies for dealing with issues head on. Hope to hear much more, and write more books!
you are my new hero. im 52 and until this morning when I stumbled on your video I never knew I was co dependant. omg. my entire life feels like such a waste. you are saying things I have experienced, thought, said. and dealt with. im so tired of being medicated, so tired of picking the worst relationships, being misunderstood, hurt and judged. its just sucked my joy, hope, inspiration. nothing makes me happy anymore. but thanks to your videos im going to try, really try this time to find my heart and heal. good stuff girlfriend...
Lisa, you are truly a blessing. I am recovering from a major surgery at my mom's, HUGE mistske on my part. Thank you for reminding me i can walk away and be okay! She is the biggest narcisst I have met. On Saturday, when she goes to town I'm leaving.
LISA I LOVE YOU and YOUR STYLE OF SPEAKING the most on youtube. Your lessons are to the point and you don't waste time getting the point across. Your the best. I am learning so much and I am being equipped with weapons to stop ignorant narcissistic talk next time it tries to take advantage of me or anyone else. Also, "What you don't express gets suppressed." That is powerful.
Is it possible for an alcoholic narcissist to be healed to think healthy again?
How would you even suggest to a narcissist that they have such a condition? They might get super offended and really tell you how it is lol.
He is a punk bitch
it's crazy making. trying to talk to her is like beating your head against a wall. she tells me my feelings and intentions, while I try to explain
Leticia Munoz b
STIZEN9 : Lisa is great! You can't hope to tell them because it only gives them a reason to attack you. I love Lisa's advice, and also love listening to "The Little Shaman " videos, both are excellent in helping to understand the hurtful nature of these people. Take care....
STIZEN9 Yes. Telling a Narcissist that they are Narcissistic could get one killed.
"narcissists make up stories in their head....." How true!
I was forty years old when I realized I had never been allowed to have my own feelings. I was laughed at when I cried because my dog died. I was told "Don't feel that way." "You don't want that." "You want this." My mother is nearly 96 and she still tells me what I want, what I should feel, what I should do, what I should eat, who I should hug, that my memories are wrong. She doesn't know anything about me. She doesn't know my favorite color, book, movie, spiritual beliefs and she doesn't know these simple things about my children and grandchildren either. I wish I could say I handle this graciously but the truth is I still have this need for her to understand I'm not her ... I am improving. What I have learned is to recognize her narcissism as hers, not mine. When we get together tomorrow for Christmas dinner she is still going to tell me where to sit and I'm still going to sit where I choose.
I told my inner child to feel everything deeply, feel as much as you can, and never let anyone tell you your feelings aren't important, valid or meaningful..
A person can't really be interested in knowing another person, if they are not interested in knowing themselves. That's just too damn intimate and a narcissist does not want true intimacy .
Huge red flag: "I didn't hurt you." I can't believe I continued to go back to someone who was not only hurting me but telling me it didn't hurt while he did it. Talk about adding insult to injury... Thank you for this video Lisa.
On the flipside, they expect that you know what they are thinking, and expect you to do things for them on that basis.
Great point!
Exactly the same here. My mom kept making it about others, and how others are more important than me. And when something happened to me at school, she found me guilty. So i shut down, and i put others first, totally disconnected with myself. Now i m healing from this awful soul sickness
The part about not being allowed to have your own experience is so right. Up until a person expresses their experiences and the thoughts and emotions associated with them, they are living with the "voice" of the abuser. In short, you live your abuser's experience of you. With healing, you release their voice and influence and replace it with your own. This is extremely difficult to do in societies that are premised on the same dysfunctional premises that our abusive homes are. This is why most people don't heal. This is why most people attack those who are aware and who dare to take that journey. You will hear things like " Get over it, we have all been abused. Grow up and quit whining." The code seems to be "Tough people don't heal, that is for weak people, cry babies". If you've ever embarked upon a healing journey, you know that it is not for the faint of heart. It takes an incredible amount of courage and determination.
I grew up thinking I was stupid and got terrible grades in school......flash forward 30 years and my sister found a notebook that our mother kept our report cards in. I didn't really want to look at them but I did.....and I burst into tears.....I had made nearly all A's, a couple of B's a C! How could my thinking be so skewed? I remember being terrified to bring my report cards home......
its so nice to be called "dear one" :')
thank you for your wonderful message, soo relatable.
My favorite is "I know you better than you know yourself."
Another sneaky example of what you were talking about at the end is a family member will pretend they are OK with what you're saying, even validate and then save it in a corner of their mind to use against you when they see a chance.
Speaking from experience here. My sister is (was...since I don't talk to her anymore) an expert at that.
OMG. YOU HAVE OPENED MY EYES ON WHAT I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS AT 8 YRS OLD. (MY 1ST SUICIDE ATTEMPT) WOW. GLAD I FOUND YOU!!! THANK YOU. LUMP IN MY THROAT FROM BEGINNING TO END!
BeYou2Fullest So-Mi hey read You can heal your life by Louise Hay and workbook available helped me heaps usually from library and second hand! might be on net! doing affirmations to forgive someone (while u ponder what upset you) and release them to love and light has helped me heal lots! and watch utube Take Back your,life - Bashar - awesome stuff and empowering and I do yoga even ten mins daily will I do downward dog shoulder stand and if u don't have back issues lay flat on back and lift legs straight up don't hold and arms straight out above head - lift arms and lower legs and bend from hips and reach for toes don't hold then lay back down and repeat maybe ten times or what is comfortable - build up to 50 morning and night -:also helps with weight loss and toning - if can only do two that is OK! yoga along with alternate nostril breathing connects u with your spirit and god connection so u can make decisions and choices better! Xmas can be a tough time but keep chin up ! I wish u a great Xmas! I am in Australia and my folks died six years ago and have had Xmas alone with my pets since then and this year as I have broken down in outback Australia while travelling in campervan there will be people to spend Xmas with and its freaking me out as I think I want to be alone but probably shouldn't as my pet rabbits were killed last Xmas and one near new year! there r so many dysfunctual people on planet so we aren't alone as everyone is a bit broken but take tiny baby steps to heal and don't be anything but kind to yourself! God bless and stay safe! lol
BeYou2Fullest So-Mi sending you *hugs*
I'm the black sheep, I am only an extension of the family if I have done something that is brag worthy but my 2 sibling can do no wrong
Another thing; they cannot change; they do not have the ability to see things as an adult. There may be a "glimmer of change" here or there, only to find yourself disappointed again. It is a circus. And, you will be in charge of every single detail that they do not "want" to do; no matter what. Everything pretty much. For young women; do not get involved quickly; take your time. This is your LIFE!! One mistake can set you back 30+ years. Get to really, truly know someone, and be careful who you allow into your front door. This all cost me my precious daughter; I have not seen her in 17 years now because of the nightmare I married into and how I could not seem to overcome it; illness. Your life partner should be your everything; your very best friend; your confidant; you absolute half; a narc will NEVER be that for you. You will grow old, alone!
+Denise Horn Hello there. I am interested in your story. Can you further elaborate on what the narc did to you and your daughters. Thank you and have a great day.
So true. Precious time, life wasted.
*****
Another great video. You know, I noticed something about narcs. They seem to operate in a great deal of paranoia. To them, everyone else must be as conniving as they are. Life is a big chess game that they have to win, so they project ill motives onto other people. If you don't get them a gift for an occasion, they will imagine some bad intentions on your part and react accordingly. And it may be that you just couldn't afford a gift. But they just think and seethe and plan on how to teach you a lesson, so they can sit back and say "checkmate!". Everything you do is analyzed as a chess move, and in their minds it's a MUST that they win that imaginary game.
I immediately felt comforted by your story and words because I just discovered that my husband of ten years is a narcissist. I always thought he was bipolar and a counselor thought it was borderline personality disorder, but hes actually a narcissist. I recently been researching because I started to believe I was the crazy one. I know I AM NOT! hes made me feel for years that I have to apologize for who I am and he villianizes me in his head all the time. even though I am by his side through the bad and good, and always supportive of him. I felt so comforted by you and wished you could hug me, bc I know you know what I am going through. Thank you for your videos. New subbie
LISA uncovers the damage that nobody else can. My ears are healed and my mind is healed and my heart is healed, there is no quantitative value for this-- Thank you--
I can really relate. It is so frustrating to be with someone who has really unhealthy communication skills, and tends to insunuate things rather than asking, tells you what you are thinking or feeling rather than listening to what you say or bothering to ask, assumes the worst, is self absorbed and acts like their happiness, and the success of the relationship (or the failures) are all on you. The negativity is also a real downer, just constant complaints, problems that don't ever seem to have a solution, because as soon as you fix it to their desired outcome, then the outcome is wrong or becomes what they don't want, etc. Narcissists, in my opinion, some of them are just emotional black holes that are never satisfied unless they can manage to keep you off balance and feeling like you don't quite measure up. I know my own worth, thank God.
Narcissists not only say outright "I know what you're thinking". Even more importantly, they will act or speak as if they already know what your feeling and thinking.
Who the hell else does that? Think about it.
My family! Lol
I want to break this cycle of co depency
Thank you Lisa 💖. Your teaching is helping me finally get it! I'm 62 and a social person.
And just now understanding why some folks are jerks. Thank you for being open and fair.
I try and catch myself when I also try and judge others. It's unfair and doesn't allow me to
be open. Somebody wrote: try and go through a day not judging anybody or any thing. That's a challenge !
I am from an abusive family and you just gave me the answer. I need to reprogram myself, that is part of the healing. I am awake, I know now and no one can screw with me again. Thank you so much!!
Watching this I felt a strange combination of nausea and relief: The nausea, for recognizing the behavior in my own relationship with my parents, and the relief, that there is a way out.Thank you Lisa, for showing me that it's not all in my head and that I wasn't "overreacting". I can't thank you enough!
My favorite is when they say "It was supposed to be a joke" ( telling you they saw your boyfriend with someone else). Of course it was a joke to them.. I have no doubt it was.
I love how you say "my dear ones". Hugs to you, girl, I've been and still am in a situation with a narc. I don't want to say too much about it, only that I feel like I'm constantly counting myself away to keep my inner peace... Agree, suck up, or shut up. Keep all commmunications very limited. Say things like "Well, I'm sorry you're feeling that way." When I'm told I'm stupid I simply say "Yes, I am!" and then smile in a goofy way. I feel like with a narcissist I can't be my true self. I give in constantly to keep the peace. I don't like being yelled at like this person is blowing the hair off of my skull... I don't like to be provoked. So I give in. Every. Single. Time. And I'm fed up with it. Especially because it's my handicapped mother whom I can't just get away from...
Lisa, I swear for the first 3 minutes of this vid, you were describing MY childhood! Fortunately, at 62, I've done the work and am happier than I have ever been, although you always have the effects of scars. I must recommend a work that was the only oasis in the eighties, when there was no internet, and enabled me to ditch bad therapists (of which the majority are, I'm afraid) because I had evaluation tools. The book is "People of the Lie", by the late M. Scott Peck. Its really a must and really is still the most comprehensive textbook of this syndrome called "Malignant Narcissism". He calls the "mind reading" you describe, "Mind Rape" AGAIN the only possible name for this behavior. Keep up the good work!
That book came out while I was in my teens. I've read it now, MAN I wish I'd known about it then!
OMG! Thank you! I'm in the middle of a divorce from a N. I cannot tell you how many times I was told that "Your feelings aren't real," "It doesn't exist", "Isn't true", "It's in your imagination," "crazy", "insane", "Your in another episode, RECOGNIZE IT!"... Over an OVER for 17 years. I started to believe him. I am lucky to come out of this relationship alive and now I'm fighting for my life and the life of my children. I'm SO blessed to have found your videos!!
Thank you for understanding the horror these narcissists put us through
Oh Lord I have such a long road of recovery.....I have already messed up my two oldest I think. I need to focus and pray and really sit back and open my eyes and think before speaking.
This is my life! 45 years old. 10 days No Contact with both parents. Exhale....
DEAR GOD THIS WAS MY LIFE UNTIL NOW...IM SLOWLY REMOVING MY SELF FROM THIS LIFE
Last night my father attacked my son because he was cleaning. My son said no when he said stop and my dad blew up. Hes 85 got out of his chair said Im going to hit you and had a picker upper raised to hit my 21 yr old tried to choke him with other hand. Kid pushed him off and he fell on the floor. Over garbage and recycling. My dads a hoarder and worse. Im sick and disabled cant find any help. Im so sick now after years of serious abuse. Thank God for you tube and the smart, caring people like you. I will keep listening...
Oh he knows. I ran away with my son when he was 2. Made it 5yrs before I fell apart. The truth was so devastating I had a breakdown and have never recovered. But those yrs. were EVERYTHING to my sons mental health. This man shouldve been jailed for what he did. To me as a child, my son as a child and who knows how many others. I have no money, no energy and no escape. I love my animals and would have to be dead to leave them. So Im trying to stay sane even though my dad wishes I would die.
Thanks I will check it out. Ive always been suspicous of my teeth. I felt good until a few years after having fillings put in. I also think my body is staying tense to keep me from re-connecting to all the sick abuse I experienced. Glad to hear things are improving for you. Gotta focus on the good ;)
Lori Miller Do what ever you can to get out of that situation Lori.
It doesn't matter why or how your dad abuses, This is about you and your life. Ask yourself, 'why am i still here?' and 'can i not get that from anywhere else, minus the abuse?' chances are, you can. If anything, trusting your very own instincts and being alone, is better than being with abusers. Being alone and focusing on yourself for awhile can be very healing. Find that bravery, you have it in you somewhere.
Also beware if they incessantly ask you WHAT you're thinking.
I have never ever heard someone say they married their mother. I remember when I realized that...it felt so unreal...the worst part was that I knew no one would believe or support me.
Oh my god u r helping me to be a better mother!! My mother was a narcissist. I do not know how to be a healthy mother for my 12 and 2 year old when it comes to their feelings and how im supposed to speak to them to make them happy healthy Human beings. This video was sooo helpful!
their loss not seeing you or hearing you.
Helps me understand the narcissism in all my co-dependant relationships. All in different degrees and how all of it falls under emotional abuse. I've been learning how to use my healthy boundaries. And some extreme boundaries with the people who would deny that they were even crossing boundaries emotionally. I had to stop the relationships altogether.
With my parents and siblings I can't, but I have my coping boundaries. Working on the long term plan of moving out, which is harder because I have an emotional disorder and other issues weighing down the progress, but progress is happening. Must persevere till the breakthroughs happen. I just need my own space and time away with short times of spending time with my family.
And build my own healthy relationships. Which so far, I'm not that great at, because I still tend to attract not that healthy people in my life yet. So that means, I need to grow more, I think.
One truth always strengthens me, my faith in Christ and how God calls me His child, I am loved and I was made for a good purpose. To fight all the negative talk that tried to define me, but was really, people parroting abuse they also received.
I love your videos Lisa. Never stop doing your work. So many of us need you. Thank you!!
Obviously there is nothing wrong with the narcissist.The problem is the empathic who need to restore their boundaries and stay the hell away.I have no words to thank you enough for bringing so much self esteem to my life. I know now after 64 years of struggles that I am OK, nothing is wrong with me , that I do not have amnesia nor I am delusional...but I have a strong case of fatal attraction and I understand why my life has been so meaningless.You gave me tools to fend myself and it makes me feel good.
You are wonderful! I love the gift giving! My ex told me that the gifts I bought him were not gifts because they were bought with his money. My ex was very passive aggressive. Your helping me more than years of therapy!
I completely agree that you have to look at the relationship as a third person. I spent years going to therapy because of the abuse of my mother, and I rarely ever see her but when I do she is so cold to me, especially in front of other people. She doesn't understand how cruel she is. I have to look at the situation as a third person and realize she has "issues" and it's not my game. I separate myself.
My N husband said to me recently, "I know what you are REALLY like!" "I know how you are!" In a seething voice, unprovoked as per usual. He was looking to feed...
From a new "Dear One" :-) My healing journey from Narc abuse, coda, ACA has been at times life and death. The fact that doing the work, works, still seems like a miracle! I really like that you referred to the narc/perp as a troubled or disturbed person. One of the best ways, I have found, to cool my own fires of outrage from abuse, is to really view their disease! I mean, look at it. The isolation and self loathing or emotionally dead, empty and unable to connect with their own humanity. It is through education that I found my compassion for the abuser. This compassion then allows me to maintain my healthy neutrality. I hope someone finds this useful. Thank you so much for this so needed work!!! You are AWESOME!!!
I get such a warm fuzzy feeling from listening to you Lisa. I’m so glad I found you on UA-cam because after I’ve been abused all day, I know that I can turn on your channel and start to heal
Lisa, you are always on the money! I feel that you're talking directly to me! You are soooo healing! Thank you for what you do!
Thank you so much for your videos. I have been watching them for the last couple of days because I had a friend tell me they thought I was codependent. I'm also recently divorced from a man that I am learning is a covert or nice narcissist. I just didn't want to believe for the longest time that I allowed to let myself get sucked in and controlled and demoralized for 1years before I found the strength to leave. You have helped me to understand me better, and now I'm on this path to learn to love me and set boundaries.
Thanks for sharing, there are so many valid and helpful points here. There's one thing I wanted to offer as an addendum because I've found it to be true from my own life. It has been my own experience that it is severely unwise (and can even be downright dangerous) to ever bother disclosing your genuine thoughts, feelings, and motivations to any person who would assume to know them in the first place and go so far as to verbalize such to you directly. A lot of narcissistic people actually do this as a way to provoke you into revealing your own vulnerabilities. If they can say something so off about you that it rubs you the wrong way, irritates you, and triggers you to respond by correcting them.. and you fall for that, then I'm sorry but you've just been played like a fiddle and probably weren't even aware as to their true motives for mis-labeling you in the first place. It's a very common misconception that if someone is a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath that they can't also be a very intelligent person. They can be extremely smart but they'll always employ those wits in dark ways, like being cunning IS an expression of high intelligence to them, and something they actually admire and aspire to. If you are having this sort of troublesome issue with someone in your life or even on the periphery of it assuming everything about you.. the safest and best thing that you can do for your own well-being and self-preservation (and this is supported by real psychology) is to SHUT UP about yourself and cut them off completely from any flow of genuine info about yourself that would be regularly coming from you AND THEN JUST SIT BACK AND OBSERVE THEM VERY VERY CLOSELY.. because eventually, out of a sense of sheer desperation for info (anything that they can use to somehow manipulate you with, and nothing is TOO SMALL) they will literally begin to unconsciously reveal to you what they think of you and how they actually see you.. and from that point you can actually gauge how off they are and what their true intentions are for wanting to acquire certain info about you in the first place. This is the only tactic that has ever worked for me when it comes to identifying and weeding out potential narcissists and other personality-disordered people who are looking to get their hooks in you or find an in into your life. There's a Jordan Peterson vid on youtube where he actually offers that exact advice when one finds oneself in that kind of situation, and as it's been validated repeatedly by my own experience of applying it in the past, I believe that he's absolutely correct in offering that line of approach. Hope this is helpful somehow for anyone feeling stuck and suffering in such a situation. Stay strong, within yourself, and with keeping your own healthy boundaries intact
Thank You! Finally, someone who knows what we are going through! Just wished the justice system would recognize this problem. I been married to one for 30 years. I finally "woke up".
My ex covert narcissist said aaaaall the time that he knew what I (and EVERYBODY) felt and thought. So spot on, and the twisting and turning and making up his own stories in his head of what he thought was the truth. He would constantly project things on me that had nothing to do with me but was obviously about himself. He also got told me to "Shut up and just apologize. I don't want to hear your excuses, just apologize" Which I did not cause I hadn't done anything wrong in that case. I actually laughed at him so many times when he said the absurd things, because it was just too illogical to take serious, which of course made him even more upset (he wanted me to blame myself). Luckily I didn't let him get to me and knew from when the devalue state started that there was something wrong with him and not me, and it ended short after that. I feel lucky that I came from a stable loving home that I could realize this was very wrong behaviour and get out in time. I hope everyone that were not so lucky with their upbringing can get the knowledge to know it is not them but the narc that is at fault.
I remember an incident whereby I was requested to 'drop everything' - in terms of my plans for the morning - to help out and drive her to a meeting that she said she'd forgotten about. I became aggitated and went to the computer to begin making arragements to reschedule in order to help out. She then verbally attacked me for trying to deliberately make her late for her meeting. I was dumbfounded that someone 'applying for assitance' could be so aggressive. I yelled back sighting the madness of her stance. It excited her to have riled me so much. It was a characteristic of the 'corrosion'...
I know this is an older video, I found your videos yesterday and I have woke up this morning more awake then EVER before. I'm a codependent empath that came from a very abusive home. It's taken me so long to be able to put my feelings and emotions into perspective. You have helped me so much already
Add to this "you just want..." or "you only did that because..." All mindf*ckery.
I rarely comment on UA-cam videos, but as I'm watching this, I feel compelled.
First off, I am really enjoying this video. I am identifying with some of your key points at just 5 minutes in. My ex partner is a covert narcissist, as is her father. Her father is famous for knowing what other people's motives are, and he tried insinuating that I was trying to be difficult with him for disagreeing with him. His exact words, "You're just trying to be difficult" and even after I said I was not, he said, "Yes, you are". On another occasion, months earlier, when I apologized to him, his response was, "Well, you say sorry now..." He was the kind of person who thought he knew what others thought, and he was also the kind of person who was always waiting for others to screw up. My ex partner was a carbon copy of him.
Secondly, your video is making me evaluate my own family dynamic, both from my childhood, and now as a single dad. I don't think I'm a codependent to the degree I once was, but I think my childhood was quite dysfunctional, and I do wonder if I married my mother.
Lastly, I'd like to offer a piece of advice I heard from another channel. If you want to know if you're dealing with a narcissist, ask them, "In what way do you think you could change or improve yourself?" I also like your advice to simply disagree with them. That's brilliant!
Cheers to be awoken! My mother's a covert-narc to and I just escaped a former love interest that was a covert-narc. Nothing gets resolved, communication sucks, and both of them are emotionally unavailable.
Lisa, I just discovered you today, I feel like you are speaking directly to my heart and describing my own upbringing. I feels so good to be understood. Thank you for these videos!
After all these years, I know have a name to put to what I have been dealing with for 40+ years. I will continue to watch and listen to you.
Thank you.. I always thought it was my fault. My fault was wanting to believe the lies he would tell me or others. He would have nothing but good things to say about me in front of others but at home the story was not the same. I was/am not good enough and do all things wrong.
In one of the annotations in Lisa's video, she mentioned something in which I would respectfully beg to differ. She referred to "sick, insane *logic."* I would have preferred something like "sick, insane *thinking."* In my mind, logic refers to clear, rational thinking based upon truth. Other than that, she is spot on and *awesome!*
I hear you Chet...and I agree...Sick insane thinking would have been a better way to phrase my thought...xoxoxo
Good stuff, Lisa!
I believe I've been SURROUNDED by these people all my life. My guy now likes to negate ANYTHING I have to say. Which is interesting because when I met him I had everything a girl could ever want, a house in San Francisco, a business that was successful, my car was paid for cash, I owed not a dime to anybody. I had friends, hobbies always something going on in my world. These people shrink your wolrd like a wool sweater tossed in a hot washer!
I meet this guy, he's accomplished NOTHING, but he KNOWS EVERYTHING. I became a moron overnight. He's entitled to whatever he wants. According to him, I don't know a damn thing! It was like my life hit BLACK ICE. I lost everything. Whatever I say, his answer is "No, you don't know what you're talking about." I tell him how is it I accomplished SO MUCH before I met you, I'm a fairly intelligent person, but now that I've met YOU, I don't know a damn thing?
These people are amazing! It's such a waste of time.
Whitewolf Wendi Brown - I can relate to this. It was as if I was reading my own personal unfortunate relationship experience. Feels good to have others relate and understand.
Whitewolf Wendi Brown
puppet masters
Wow. After the 19 minute mark, you described 20 years of my life.
Wow! I'm guilty of being on both ends of this situation. Great advice.
Well said! That's been the horror for me, as I wake up. Hearing myself saying the same cruel things was the turning point.
Stu VS Sure, but being conscious now you can choose :-)
This chick is honest, down to earth, and she knows of which she speaks! Thumbs up! You won't be disappointed!
YES, exactly... I can't believe I didn't leave sooner. This is such a fucked up pattern. For everyone wondering how the justify this this, my ex narcissist used to say he was "JUST STATING HIS OPINION" and to "not attack his opinion" because nothing was fact in a relationship, it was all perspective, which he was entitled to.
I would tell him, that he's entitled to his opinion, but he must not state it as fact. I told him, "You're not omnipotent or all knowing" and it really pissed him off lol
I do recognize the experience you are talking about, I grew up under such conditions, and I've lived in similar relationships as an adult, trying to heal (not a very successful path). But today, listening to you, what's really bothering me is that I recognize myself too in relation to my own son. It's not a pretty picture. I can hear myself saying "I know what you're thinking, what your intentions are" convinced that he's trying to manipulate me. Thank you for making me aware of my own behavior.
I only just now realized I don't need to defend myself against something someone made up in their head.
And now I just feel ridiculous.
Thank you.
Lisa, I can't tell you thank you enough! For the first time in my life, I finally get it! I finally understand why, whywhy, why... I understand my poor communication skills, my enhanced empathic skills, my hypervigilance, oversensitivity, detachment from my body, disconnection from others... I always thought there was sooooo much wrong with me! I knew my mom was a narcissist but I didn't realize how this affected me I didn't realize that my mom brainwashed me. Now I can listen to her and I know what she's doing from my bodily reactions and now I don't react because I have nothing to prove anymore!!!!!!!! My mom looks confused when I don't react ... Yeah, I know what she's been doing now. She gave birth to me in the same way people get an extra car from the junkyard for extra parts!!! No, you cannot have any of my extra parts anymore!!!! Thank you Lisa! I feel more free than I ever have I don't have any confusion anymore! I can see all these years my higher self has always been trying to lead me in the right direction and that's why I always have so much confusion due to my brainwashing!!!! Wow! I feel like the prison gates have been opened. It's gonna take a little bit to get used to this :) thanks!
4:55 this one is very important... you are not the beggar in the therapist's office, scrutinize them ! excellent, thank you :)
You have no idea the impact that this video has had on me...I thank the universe for leading me to you. I have made the connection to my co dependency and my relationship with my mother and many more things. I just ended my relationship with my narcissist partner and the fact that I can advance in the healing process is all thanks to this video. The clarity is surreal and I hope you all the best and more for helping us all. xx
My kids are not allowed to say how they feel at X's home. It is always called back talk. X and his spouse do not respond to children when they try to have a conversation.... they are ignored. .... It tears me up that they have to exist in this environment. I know what it's like. It's like walking on glass. Anything can set the Narcissist off. Then they attack others to feel better.
First of all, you can't possibly be old enough to have a 26-year-old child. Second, I'm SO GLAD I found you! Seesawed between tears and relief as I watched and listened to you. My father was a raging narcissist (literally raging) and my mother was passive (still is) to the point of inertia. Dear old dad was addicted to Nembutal which underscored his behavior. After Mom managed to get herself, my sister and me away from him, he upped the ante by washing down his RX drugs with booze. Fun, fun, fun! To say he was toxic seriously understates the situation.
Thank you for doing what you do! I'm going to do a marathon viewing of your videos. I'll stop now because if I don't, the dam will break and there's really not enough room to accommodate the spillover. In closing, a few years ago I extricated myself from a budding relationship with a passive aggressive, narcissistic, recovering alcoholic before it really got started. Just cut him out of my life. I'm learning but it's taken me a long time to listen to my gut instincts. Once again, thank you so much! You know your stuff, chica. Please know that the only women I call "chica" are those I truly respect.
After 15 years of being in love with a narcissist, and turning the other cheek so many times it is numb from being slapped....I said..."No MAS!!!" He was texting, and asking for "naked" pics merely weeks before walking down the isle with another woman! I feel for that woman because she doesn't know him like she thinks she does! He couldn't believe that I would deny him anything! His response was.."so you don't even want me to say hi...or keep in touch?" Ummm.....NO....I don't! After 15 years he knows exactly how I feel, and was just trying to rub my nose in his "happiness" because that's what he does! She will find out on her own in due time I'm sure! But if he wants to compromise his integrity, and risk his marriage he'll have to do it with some other "supply" because I am NOT it! ;) Thank you for sharing your insights Lisa! Very helpful for me, truly! God Bless!
Stumbled across your videos because after nearly 4 years of no contact, I'm finally mentally stable enough to fear living in fear/depression/escape avoidance/isolation more than changing my entire life. I love the way you break it down. Simply, but eloquently. Thanks for your bravery!
Oh my goodness! This was my 26 year marriage! So glad I got free! Now I am married to a wonderful man who lets me be me, and loves me anyway.
This is SO helpful! I really find these kinds of videos are super useful - I mean they all are, but the ones where you share specific conversations, what to look out for, and what to say with the actual words is great. The thoughts and ideas make complete sense; but my brain isn't yet used to putting together 'how to say this' so when you articulate it like this I watch it over and over until it sinks in :)
Lisa, You crack me up in a good way. Lol, about your reaction to your mom mom's response to the sneakers. You are great. Lololol!
Thank you Lisa, you are right, once they have you, once they believe you think they hang the moon, they start the degredation. I recently realized that saying no is the best test. if they can handle.you saying no, for any reason, they are not a narcissist. if they can't handle.no and disrespect it, that is someone to run from. at my job, my boss's daughter literally said "I feel that you feel" negative things about her, and used examples that had nothing to do with her. and I said so, but it was useless. she also said I was the only one that they had this problem with, and yet my boss said they had a hard time keeping employees. I'm getting better at spitting them and sitting back and objectively answering so they move on. once you are emotionally detatched, they know they lost, but will find another way. I digress. my point is you are spot on. thank you
You are a blessing for so many people. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with the world to help people break free. Sending lots of love to you.
Im half way through this video and I AM CRYING BECAUSE MY LIFE WAS YOUR LIFE! You are so wise to get healthy and to share this! God Bless you! Lisa, you nailed it! Youre eyes are open wide and you are sharing. I hope you continue to teach this and share. GOD BLESS YOU!
“If you think you know what I’m thinking I’ll give you an 8x10 and you can talk to my picture.” Pure gold! 😂 laughter can be hard to come by in these situations.
Lisa, I just found your videos and they are a lifesavers!! I have just recently broke up with a man that I now see was narcissist, but I was always too afraid to say it because he's such a 'good guy'. But listening to your videos is so validating to my experience I have had with him! That man would never came through with anything he ever said. He's throw phrases like this around: "Hey, let's go to Seattle for the weekend", or "hey, I will help you fix this or that...", "I will have a vasectomy done" you name it, NONE of these EVER happened unless I took charge and made everything happened. I was literally forced to beg him for every minute I could spend with him and when I told him he never reaches out to me and asks me to see me, he'd say that I never give him a chance. I used to buy him little gifts here and there, cook food for him, brought care packages as soon as he'd expressed any discomfort.....I even efing paid for both of us for vacation to Mexico, for MY 40th birthday, yet he did not even get my f*** gift, not even a card when we got there!! I paid for everything, and he took me out for dinner, which we did every day....hey, it was our vacation. I was a full time student, self employed, single mom with 2 kids and I basically adopted this dude and his 2 young kids and catered his every need just to feel loved. He never asked what I like, how I like it, when I like it, what can he do for me.....And when he did, it never came through anyway. Yet, for whatever reason, he seemed to be the 'cool' one. I looked up to him like he was some kind of God. I exhausted myself, abandoned myself and my own kids to be held by him....which was happening less and less as time went on. He had no filter on and never understood why my feelings got hurt when he asked me if I would be comfortable watching him have sex with another woman! When I told him I was really hurt by that, he's freak out and tell me that he clearly has to walk on eggshells around me and can't tell me everything! He's make sarcastic comments about me reading a lot of spiritual books and self help books, yet his entire library consisted of probably 10 books.
I was at school, really struggling emotionally because I clearly had NO support from him (he'd NEVER show up at my doorstep spontaneously, nor if I'd call him for support) plus I was really trying to make this relationship work because by then I thought I was the faulty one. I recognized that this was really bad person for me 4 months into the relationship. I knew, and my therapist suggested I end it then too before I get too into it, I should have ended it but I did not. I was terrified. And I dragged it and I let him emotionally passively abuse me until I almost killed myself. Last 4 months of our relationship he never stopped talking about his new female colleague and how awesome she was, and how much he liked her, and how they transformed the workplace the two of them....last few weeks, right after our return from Mexico, he started to hide his phone a lot, he was really irritated by my touch, I knew something was wrong (on top of a wrong relationship). I wanted to ask him if he had feelings for her but did not want to project any jealousy...he'd deny it anyway. Anyhow, we broke up because I could no longer ignore my soul's calling me back.....he's a nurse!! and he kept telling me how depressed I was and needed help, needed to get on medications...and I knew I did not needed it. I knew what I had to do so I did it. And guess what - few days later I already saw him with that amazing colleague of his on a date! I saw them 3 times in a matter of 4 days yet he had the guts to tell me that they are not dating, that he did not leave me for another woman, that dating colleagues is YAK and he does not do that. Anyway......I became so angry Lisa! I felt like I was danger to myself how much anger I felt. It's been 2 months now and I see him posting pictures of his new found love already.
In our random conversations, he never admitted any fault in our relationship. It was all me. I apparently forced my love onto him that he could not live up to it.
I bought him tons of presence for xmas, which he KNEW about, I kept telling him how excited I was about being in love finally after 12 years of marriage, and he bought me a book. A book that I already had!! Had he ever bothered to look into my extensive bookshelf, he would have known it. He opened all his amazing presents and told me: oh, if I knew you were getting me all these presents I would have spoiled you rotten!!!
What a bunch of lies! He NEVER ever went out of his way for me.
Anyway....it feels sooo good letting it out!! Now I am the crazy one because I am truly experiencing my feelings and he just went on to another woman. He just tells me: I am the calm one here! you are the emotional one with absolutely no empathy for how I am feeling seeing him everywhere with her.
And till this day I still find excuses for his behavior! But you know what? NO MORE!!! I am done! I have truly reached my limit. Before him I 'dated' a true sociopath and now this! The worst thing is that he really does appear as an awesome guy. He is fun, he is sweet, until there is need for depth and empathy in the relationship...that's where it all begun.
After the break up I realized I was chasing validation I have never gotten from my dad....now when I look at pictures of me and my ex it kind of scares me how much I even look like his daughter Rather then his partner and a lover.
In past I'd hurry into another relationship out of the pain.....not any more. I am hurting like hell but I am getting through this and I am done with co-dependence!
OMG, that reminds me that he told me twice that our relationship was like a one with an alcoholic! However I was the abusive one apparently and he just kept staying from co-dependency!
So thank you! I am now more awake than I have ever been. I have been doing Somatic therapy for over 3 years now and I am finally back to my old self again and I swear from now on I will ALWAYS follow my gut feelings! I will not question those any more and I will not give into the fear of pain.
I was married to a narcissist for 18 years and my mother used to ask him if I was mean to him.
+Jackie Emily WTH...??? wow...my mother and my ex used to sit and talk just to smear my name...my ex and my mother were emotionally the same person!! I didn't know at the time....
Lisa, I was running yesterday morning and came across your videos! I'm married to a narcissist husband and we are on the verge of divorce due to the emotional abuse! You are an amazing coach!!! Thank you for your advice, you came into my life at the perfect time! I can relate to you because this is my 3rd and last NARC marriage!!!!!
!!!
my family should win awards for their dysfunctional attitudes. Physical, emotional and psychological abuse was the normal, of course it was always my fault and I believed it. I felt the shame and guilt that was not mine to feel, narcissists are very good at transferring
This is literally many first time ever commenting on a UA-cam video and I just want to say thank you so much. I turned 29 on the 5th of this month and I'm just now getting to know who I was turned into and who I really am. Your such an inspiration to me and I thank you so much for your videos and insight. Your a beautiful person and I Love You so much as a person. Thank You!
Another way this manifests from the narcissist parent is... "OH! You don't feel that way!!" --if I ever had a negative emotion, my mom couldn't handle the fact that I did, so she ... Simply ... Negated it. Again, like you experienced, as if I didn't have the right to feel bad.
It had been my mom's way of coping/ dealing with her OWN negative emotions as a child, I think.
She even quite often said that the adults in her life pounded home the message to her, "Children are to be seen and not heard." So, guess what I was to my mom? Yep. A little "dolly" to dress up.. To make "cute"... To be seen. --as a reflection of HER "good parenting." And not only THAT! ...she also FREQUENTLY told me that I was "as good as good," since I kept quiet. I grew up LITERALLY NOT knowing HIW to carry in a conversation. Anywhere. To this day (even now, at 54 years old), I still struggle with this. I "train" people not to listen to me ...in "conversations." Then I feel bad, because I'm "invisible." How sick is THAT!! Yuck!
You are a god send, I’m sorry for all the suffering you had to go through for the first thirty odd years of your life! I was living a condition life until I started to very slowly at first see the light. You help so much to validate and give us a voice. Keep spreading the awareness as you are helping all around the world to wake up. Our suffering as you are proving can be turned around (alchemy) for the good of oneself and humanity. 🙏💕
Hey, Lisa. Just wanted you to know how GREAT my life has been since I met this channel. couldnt be more thankful.
That was so very sweet of you to buy your mom a pair of sneakers :)
The accusations you experienced were exactly the same I endured for 6 years with an ex. The crazy making is insane. Thank you for sharing this information for the public.
I've been watching your videos for awhile. I love that you keep it so real. In sharing your personal experience, I learn and can see mine.
The times you avoid dropping the f bomb I cheer "let it out girlfriend!" I completely relate and find it incredibly beautiful and therapeutic to listen to you.
Your shitty programming as a child has left you with the gift of wisdom to help and heal me thru mine. How does one find words to thank someone for that? Deepest gratitude.
This was really humbling to listen to. I display many narcissistic qualities and have been working to remedy them, and this video showed me another really important skill to work on. Thank you for this.
Hi Lisa, I'm enjoying your videos, not only are they insightful and extremely intelligent they're also refreshing and humorous. I'm a (just) 56 year old co-dependent and an empath, I'm also the daughter of a narcissistic mother, with whom I haven't had any contact since May 2009, the ex wife of a narc and I'm now trying to break free of an ex boyfriend of 7 years who has been stalking me and won't let go, but I'm getting there with your help. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Warm wishes, Karen
Hi Karen...thank you for letting me know the work I do is helping you break free. I am not sure you know about my coaching program that has been designed for people just like you. My online class starts again January 12th, 2017. it is a complete study at your own pace coaching program. Here is a link to check it out
www.lisaaromano.com/productdisplay/12-week-breakthrough-coaching-program-early-bird-special
This reminds me of hearing my Mother say to me ...more than once "I know you better than you know yourself!!!" I felt terrible when she would say this.She did NOT know me because she never spent time with me.
And for disagreement for most of my life she never allowed me to disagree.
Now at age 65,I am finally finding myself and my own strength.
When I was attacked by a kid I didn't know, three houses away from my home in 12th grade, my mother criticized me for coming home in a bad mood, and when I told her I had just been attacked by some kid I didn't know, her response was "What did you do to him?". She wasn't asking how did I fight back, she was assuming that it must have been my fault if I was attacked. When I told her I hadn't done anything to that kid, she didn't express any concern for how I was feeling or whether I had been injured.
She kept "pushing" me somehow, and it triggered the first time I had ever really blown up at her, because the random attack had unbalanced my emotional state, I couldn't take her abuse on top of the previous abuse. Did she then express any concern about my condition? No. But after I went back to my afternoon class she called the school to chew them out for the fact that I had been attacked. Not because she cared about me, but because my being attacked had resulted in me blowing up at her for the first time in my life. My being attacked by some random punk was only of concern to her when it resulted in her having to take some heat. She was outraged that her son could get attacked by another student, only because it affected her. For the first (and only) time in her life she experienced a moment of feeling fear of me. she had to retaliate by tongue-lashing school administrators over the phone, because she didn't have the guts to stand up to my anger, let alone apologize to me for anything.
Very good information on effective communication. I like your assertive strategies for dealing with issues head on. Hope to hear much more, and write more books!
Bleh, my narc-mom used to tell me what I was thinking alllllllllllll the time.
you are my new hero. im 52 and until this morning when I stumbled on your video I never knew I was co dependant. omg. my entire life feels like such a waste. you are saying things I have experienced, thought, said. and dealt with. im so tired of being medicated, so tired of picking the worst relationships, being misunderstood, hurt and judged. its just sucked my joy, hope, inspiration. nothing makes me happy anymore. but thanks to your videos im going to try, really try this time to find my heart and heal. good stuff girlfriend...
From your first sentences, you have spoken my life and you speak in the manner I do
Lisa, you are truly a blessing. I am recovering from a major surgery at my mom's, HUGE mistske on my part. Thank you for reminding me i can walk away and be okay! She is the biggest narcisst I have met. On Saturday, when she goes to town I'm leaving.