Thank you so much for this! My boyfriend has an anxious attachment style and I want to be the best girlfriend I could be for him. I want him to know he is loved.♥️
Summary Notes, by Timecode 0:41 Anxious attachment style develops in childhood when there are deep inconsistencies in their emotional needs being met. 0:52 The inconsistency can be one parent who is loving and connecting while the other seems cold, not loving or caring. This can create uncertainty and fear of rejection (to a young child), creating a sort of neediness in them. 1:23 Another way that creates Anxious Attachment during early developmental years is when there is an issue in the family. Both parents might have been very loving, but then a death happens and it causes the parents to emotionally withdraw. They might be going through their grieving processes and become unable to give their love as they used to. 1:39 It can also happen when both parents are loving but are working most of the time. The child is left alone for long periods of time, creating a feeling of abandonment. 1:56 This seems like emotional rejection to the child and creates a deep fear of disconnect. 2:06 The core wound then is the feeling of being unloved. 2:22 How this manifests in adults is that this individual is so afraid of re-living that pain that they want to avoid any potential for rejection and abandonment. This makes them cling on, manipulate or control (Control what? The relationship, the other person? The other person it seems). 2:36 They need to learn to self-soothe. They need to learn that they are responsible for meeting their own needs. 2:55 Ideally you want to meet your own needs, and be feel comfortable and safe in asking others to meet your needs. To be able to effectively communicate your needs and emotions to others you first need to have a through and deep understanding of them. 3:38 People with an Anxious Attachment style believe that if they sacrificed enough eventually the other person will love them back, or start meeting their needs the way that they want. 3:51 Usually the exact opposite happens. The more we sacrifice our own needs, the more we push people away. This is because when we sacrifice meeting our own needs, we get frustrated, and resentful. These ill feelings will get projected onto the other person, that is to say we feel that the reason we are feeling resentful is because of the other person. We then eventually push that person away believing they are the reason for the pain. 4:33 People with this attachment style will try to get closer and stay connected with the other person. They tend to be clingy even when it might be inappropriate, such as when the person they are dating isn't interested in them, or when they are in the very early stages of dating, or when somebody needs space in a relationship. 4:40 They come up with excuses, justifications and reasons to try to get closer and stay connected. These attempts are called as activating strategies. Activating strategies come in a variety of forms and they are usually not aware they are doing this. 5:13 They come up with justifications for not hearing what people are communicating, in order to try to avoid the pain of abandonment and rejection, to avoid feeling unloved. 5:56 Sometime Anxious Attachment style people can try to control their partner's time outside of the relationship (controlling and manipulating part). They might not want you to have friendships or be close to your family. This is because they subconsciously fear that each of these people could pose a threat to your bond. They are not consciously, or intentionally trying to manipulate you, but subconsciously trying to avoid feeling pain. 6:57 The partner of an AA can feel like they are pulled between different people, or feel restricted on what they can spend their time doing. 7:12 Within people having an Anxious Attachment style, there can be a spectrum. This can vary from people having high-levels of anxious attachment characteristics, down to people with just these traits and tendencies. Some can have enough conscious awareness of how they are showing up and be able to see that the partner needs space. 7:41 AA individuals are often not good at self soothing. 7:48 An AA child did not learn to disconnect from their parents to meet their own needs. They kept waiting and hoping for their parents to come back home and meet their needs, as opposed to developing a sense of self and autonomy early enough to meet their own needs or seek fulfillment elsewhere. 8:11 An adult AA has a hard time ending a fight. If their partner pulls away in a fight, they tend to follow the partner around. 8:39 An AA in a fight might not give space and try to fix it now, because they are so afraid of the disconnect. 8:46 They hunger for emotional bond and so any perceived threat to that becomes unbearable. 8:59 An AA might find themselves challenged when waiting for text messages. They will be afraid that something bad happened to their partner. They fear for the other person's safety. Anything with a potential for a disconnect, loss, emotional abandonment or feeling unloved, will challenge them. 9:34 Sometimes we have to meet our own needs, sometimes people just can't be available to us, sometimes we have to let somebody else meet their needs. 9:43 An AA believes that consistently disowning themselves will lead to harmony. They believe that the other other people will do the same (disown themselves) back for them. 9:57 For an AA to heal, they need to learn to - connect to their own emotions and needs - meet their needs themselves 10:07 An AA often feels unheard. They will then go into elaborate recreations of their stories, their feelings, how they were hurt. Most of the times the other person feels like getting blamed about everything they did wrong. 10:29 When you hear an AA blaming, it is just them trying to have their feelings validated. They are trying to feel connected and understood. 10:48 But it doesn't work. This is because since childhood when you were getting blamed, it was usually followed by punishment or shaming. The natural reaction of any human being thus is to shut down, protect and defend themselves. You disconnect. This leaves the AA attachment style individual, who was blaming hoping to be heard, to be left further unheard. They will then try to speak up with even more elaborate details, following a subconscious strategy to feel connected again. 11:26 If you are an AA finding yourself feeling hurt or unheard, then the most effective thing you can do is to start expressing your feelings and needs. Expressing your needs can look like, "Hey, I feel hurt when this happens and this is what I need instead." Be really clear and specific of your feelings and needs when you tell the other person. Also ask for validation. This can look like, "Does that make sense to you? Can you see how I would feel that way?" 11:42 If you are with an AA style individual, encourage them to speak of their needs and feelings. This can look like, "Hey, instead of this huge story why don't you tell me specifically what you are emotionally experiencing? I can then understand where you are coming from, and what your experiences are... Tell me specifically what do you need? I can then assess if I can give you this, how I can give this, how can we can make an exchange, meeting each other's needs better." 12:15 If you are an AA and you do not want the other person to feel like you are blaming, then speak of your emotional experiences and what you need. Speak from that vulnerability. This takes the feeling of blame out of what you are saying and opens a path for clear communication. 12:43 Often an AA will harbor resentment. This is because they tend to be perpetual over givers, disowning themselves and their needs. 13:04 AA's are afraid to communicate their needs. They fear that their needs will be rejected and they will have to re-live that pain. 13:16 They might be good at telling elaborate stories, expressing their emotions. But after telling that story they struggle to express what they need. Expressing their feelings and need might look like, "Hey, I felt hurt yesterday about this experience. I know you didn't intend for it but that was the way I took it. Can you see why I would feel that way? Next time can you try to do this?" If you are an AA follow the story with, "and I need this", or "Hey, can you do this?" 14:08 The core triggers of an AA - Rejection - Especially anything that feels like being rejected emotionally - Disconnection - with time (eg, when the other person is taking too much space) - space (eg, travelling often) - energy (eg, imbalance when one is over giving and doing while the other isn't) - Coldness or Withdrawing - this might even lead to fights, just so that the AA can feel the connection 15:24 Needs of an AA - Emotional Intimacy, a bond that feels secure - Attention, presence, validation, adoration - being adored makes them feel loved, you need them, you are not going to leave them. This makes them feel safe. This balances their fear of being unloved. - Want to understand your feelings, and is good at hearing you. 16:39 If you are a partner to an AA, make sure to express your needs. If your need is something that might trigger an AA (say you need more space), say "Hey, you are amazing. I adore you. This is a great relationship. But sometimes I need a little bit of space as well, because I have a different set of needs. Sometimes I need x, y and z." Follow that up again with positivity and validation. Doing so you can express clearly and get understood. An AA will then hold great space for wanting to meet your needs. 17:37 The best way a partner to an AA can get their needs met is by sandwiching their needs between assurances of certainty about the relationship and validation that they are loved and connected. This will help you express your needs and get them met, while not triggering their core wounds.
Cappy Gurl were actually really caring people who haven’t grown up with that caring nurturing needs within our childhood. Why does everyone think we’re careless :(
Every point is so accurate. I would torture myself thinking about why i act this way, why I’m sooo hurt, why do i need so much when it doesn’t really make sense. Im just super scared to be alone.
This helps me understand so many of my ex's actions. Some of her actions made me feel so uncomfortable; it felt like she didn't respect my boundaries. Anytime I ask for some time to think or say I'm not yet ready to discuss something, she's would force the conversation. Whenever she travelled for work, she would accuse me of leaving her. She is the love of my life; I just didn't know how to be the right partner for her. I feel really bad because I now understand how much she was hurting. It breaks my heart to know a few videos, and some reading could've shown me how to be a better partner to her... I wish I knew of attachment style, while we were together. I miss her every day, but I'm scared I'll hurt her because of my attachment style. I really love her with all my heart, but wish I knew how to make her know this sooner
Do any of my fellow anxious style feel like our attachment style is A LOT of effort? 😂 Like I know we have good points and it’s all on a continuum as is everything, but damn! No wonder we struggle with relationships we are a lot of work 😂
I feel the same way and I kinda feel bad for my boyfriend because I just can only imagine how frustrating it can sometimes be to handle my insecurities and my clingyness (is that a word? Idk) But he still is so supportive of me and I'm actually thinking about telling him today what my "problem" is because I found out just yesterday that I have this attachment style, I have never even heard of that before... maby then he'll understand me better and I'm really trying to work on myself but it's just so hard.
Yeah i need someone like me I think i can totally handle someone like me lol i lost a marriage and recent relationship cause of this. But finding someone like me i totally get lol
I appreciate how you describe each attachment style in a realistic and more positive light- coming from a place of unmet needs and insecurities opposed to having negative and neglectful or abusive traits. Your way of communicating greatly increases understanding and empathy rather than harsh judgment for each attachment style. 💗 I almost feel safe enough to share with my avoidant ex. Almost! :)
I only started investigating "attachment style" when I had (what I now know) was an Avoidant GF. That almost drove me to madness. It took me over a year to start feeling normal again after she dumped me. During the process......I discovered my own attachment style which I believe is this one. I have siblings but I was the youngest by 7 years and spent most of my time on my own. My parents both worked full time and I found it hard to make friends. I was a bit awkward growing up. Didnt have present role models and struggled with trying to figure out life by myself. A sister passed when she was 21. I was 14. Thank you for helping me understand more about myself. Its given me the direction to explore more about how to be a more functional human being.
Yup. I’m over it. I give and give, and receive nothing in return or it isn’t even matched. I’m in therapy now.....and learning about healthy boundaries and how to say NO!
@@HisaLight2mypath but like she said it just becomes overwhelming and pushes them away, a person who doesn't understand just sees it as annoying when they are trying to have alone time, or hang out with friends
I'm so lucky to have a securely attached partner, I think I'd be so much more emotionally wrecked with any other attachment styles, as an anxious one. I really want to work on this because it isn't fair to constantly be crying about the smallest inconsistencies in the love I receive. Hopefully I can heal.
I have come to realize that my last relationship was with a secure man and I as AP felt that there wasn't enough passion in the relationship, God how I wish I would have known this back then, that was the longest relationship I have ever had and now I have been alone for almost 9 years because I try to repress my anxious need for a romantic relationship.
I have been struggled to find out the root cause of my insecurity in relationship. Today I FOUND IT. I'd be imagining things and anxious when my boyfriend doesn't text me for one day or suspect that he lost interest when he doesn't call as often. Your video helps me understand myself a bit better now. Thank you!
Josephine H I mean, a Good boyfriend texts every other day. A GREAT boyfriend texts everyday. A man worth making a father texts all day or however long the communication is required
I'm an anxious attachment transitioning to secure... Inner work is necessary... I learnt that being anxious preoccupied wasn't just unpleasant for my partner or the other person BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY FOR ME, THE ONE FILLED WITH ALL THIS ANXIETY WAITING TO BE TRIGGERED. I'm aware that it's gonna be a process and journey, but it's worth it. I'm with an anxious attachment style now and it's very telling, it's like looking in the mirror because I'm getting to see how I been acting in all my previous relationships. Wow this stuff is crazy...
This was spot on and resonated with me so much it put me to tears. I've never felt entitled to ask my partner to help me with this and I will be showing him this video. Thank you so much for doing what you do!
I do not have a concern about my partner having outside relationships. I do have a problem with self-soothing. It creates anxiety in me when my partner disengages with me or disconnects from me.
It is not possible to not fear abandonment when being with someone who actually abandons you. Not when you were even clinging. When they come to you and cuddle you and tell you that you make them so happy then drop you out of no where. Then breadcrumb you a few days later even at the hospital. When you overcommunicate as gentle as possible without asking for too much or even an apology. That is abandonment. They know they do it. Laughing with friends and having a blast. This isn't an unfounded fear. As an AA I'm already hyperaware that I might not be enough and so I overaccomodate even with space. None of that protected me from this abandonment. I don't think anyone will ever love me like I love anyone. And I will do the work but I'm not doing relationships anymore.
I’m an anxious preoccupied, and wow did I learn a lot about myself and how my reactions stemmed from something much more rooted from my early beggining. It’s sad that a breakup had to happen for me to learn this, but now I know how to find writhing myself why I’m feeling that way and how to communicate and cope properly! Thanks for this video it was super helpful !
Thank you so much for doing this work. I am totally anxious attachment style and doing EMDR work on childhood trauma. I also have a dating podcast and thought to have a episode about how to deal with a break up and attachment styles. It's fascinating how much im learning about how much this determines almost every aspect of our romantic relationships! I never put it together before like this. I'm so thankful this resource. Thanks again!
Farrah Can you send me a link to the podcast about how to deal with the break up and attachment styles? Am anxious and my ex broke up with me, but I am going thru hell
Wow I learned I have this attachment but it has gotten a bit better. I still have work to do, but my last relationship with a dismissive avoidant triggered my anxious attachment so much and I kept trying to hold on when in reality I needed to let go. Seeking validation and love from someone who can’t give it to you because they can’t go themselves is not the way to go. I’m learning to validate myself, loving myself, getting my needs met from myself. Being more secure in myself so I can stop having that feeling if abandonment in my romantic relationships. It’s a journey but my goal is to change my anxious attachment to a secure one so I can attract another secure attachment. Thank you for creating this video and I’ll binge watch all your other videos!
Im just like you two ladies, i was so triggered, its so painful yet i still love him two years later & would like to give it another go with my healing work i have done on myself, i dont think he will agree, but then i must definately let go deep down i know this, sick of being a last priority & must learn to validate myself also & meet my own needs instead of external.......Love & Healing to you also ❤
Love this comment. Anxious attachment style people become exhausting and strain out the relationship. The recommendation tends to be to find a more stable secure partner but even they get worn out. It’s just a bit much. I think learning how to manage it is great, any type of anxiety is never good. Proper, respectful communication of our needs is important. It’s one thing to have an attachment style like this, but I’m noticing many just can’t communicate and it all turns into pain and nagging on both sides. Seems the attachment styles can play nicely when respect is maintained.
I kept trying to hold on when in reality I needed to let go! That is me.. Thanks! It is over, he broke up with me over a month ago an I am STILL hoping he will come back. It sucks!
At first, I was like: Okay this cannot be it. Then half way through, Thais was just legit describing every little detail about me. All of this caused me and my partner to break up, not because we don't love one another, but because we just couldn't connect and communicate, perhaps now, I will be able to help myself too, so that I can live better.
Maribel Palacios same! I have a very full life, I work full time, own a two family house, love going to the gym, friends, etc. but the emotional connection just was not there. I got triggered when he pulled away, and I feel had there been an emotional connection, I wouldn’t have felt triggered when he pulled away. He breaks up slowly and in a passive aggressive way - I mean really I think that would make anyone mad 🤷🏽♀️
@@gitchygitchyyaya You guys might be much more 'Secure' than 'Anxious'. I am 64% Secure and 36% Anxious type according to Thais' PersonalDevelopmentSchool quiz, and I think I can feel your pain. We have work to do on ourselves, to be sure WE set boundaries too (like the avoidants know how to do naturally!) but we cannot be the only ones to do that emotional labor. It taks both sides working on it.
Thank you for explaining this style so well. I know I do the things you mention due to anxious attachment but as conscious of it as I am I cant stop it for long. I wish I knew the way to break this cycle.
Zephirus10 it sucks having this style as a male. Women are generally not attracted to needy emotional men. They may be at first, but they’ll get turned off quickly, or worse, cheat or take advantage. When I learned this I would repress any emotions or actions typically taken by anxious style, but that just makes me feel like hell inside.
@@jmgmetal We are basically in the scenario of most average relationships, where the MAN 'classically' has all of the avoidant attachment issues and emotional stuntedness, and the WOMAN 'classically' comes across as too needy, too clingy, and too emotional or sensitive. It does make it kind of strange in a patriarchal society to be kind of flipped upside down, and be the one who has to suffer through what most women have probably had to go through in most marriages in history... I think we can learn from that example of hundreds of millions of wives before us who have had to do the major emotional labor to help both sides compromise and work out a strong foundation. We gotta 'man up' about it, by 'womaning down'? I dunno I might be a fuckin kook.
I took a break from relationships for two years..even went celibate. Worked on myself, gym, my business, got out of debt, saved money, hobbies, developed my talents. Never knew about this attachment style, but I was so sick of getting burned in relationships. 8 mos later i serendipitously met someone. We weren’t looking for anything but it just sort of “happened”. She was avoidant style. I thought those two years of working on myself helped me but I fell right back into anxious attachment. I’m realizing now how difficult difficult this is going to be. We pretty much split ways I think. I’m devastated. I’m seriously considering going MGTOW, but I really don’t want to.
MGTOW is a cop-out. I am also an AA in a relationship with an FA right now after taking 3 years off in the hyperbolic time chamber to drop 180lbs and transform myself as well, very similar situation. If you are truly willing to work on all YOUR issues of anxious attachment, AND she is willing to work on her issues of Fearful Avoidant, you can work it out. The reason it will fail is because one side or the other simply cannot feel comfortable compromising with each others needs, or you can't figure out the logistics of how to treat one another to fulfill those needs.
I feel you, when I’m single and alone I’m the happiest. When I meet someone the AP side comes out. I was with an abusive ex for 5 years. Those anxious feelings were justified as he constantly cheated messaged other females. It’s my own fault for staying so long. However I took a few years to myself and have now met a DA. I’m trying my hardest to understand his boundaries and comply. But feel he doesn’t understand me so it’s becoming difficult to continue.
This is so accurate it makes me feel sick. I'm working on myself a lot though, thanks in part to my fearful avoidant boyfriend...I kinda have to work passed my issues or I'm going to destroy myself and the relationship. I need to get secure.
fearful avoidant is so hard too, I'm one and dating an anxious and I don't even know my own boundaries... I know when too much is too much... how do you guys set boundaries?
I’m speechless because you have just explained me to a T!!! I am keeping this video and hope to show my husband. Now I need to find one about what to do when dating an avoidant.
Damn. This described someone I know so well. I'm feeling bad that I didn't understand them better. Being with them only pushed my avoidant side more.. But this video helped me understand them better. Thank you for this
This was such an insightful eye-opener. Just listening to your video, I feel like I've made a huge breakthrough. I'm 31 and recently realized I've had an anxious attachment style all my life due to problems stemming from my childhood. I recently ruined a relationship due to my attachment which caused me to have an epiphany: I've been displaying the same problematic attachment style for my whole life which is why I've been mostly alone and without a meaningful relationship up to this point. To prevent something like this happening again, I want to identify why I act the way I do and learn to manage my emotions better. This video was so helpful, thank you so much.
This really describes my core struggles to a T. Not the nicest thing to hear, since it's at least in part my dark side, but definitely useful. Thank you
while i was watching this video, (as an anxious-ambivalent) i thought of sending it to him but then i thought, what if he doesnt care about this video and thus, doesnt care about me, then i would feel bad. let’s just dont send it to him at all. that just correlates with what you have been saying all through the video. ps: i am still not sure of sending it to him :d
thinking same stuff now....did you end up sending? how did he react? and agree with someone in comments - if he doesn't care about getting to know you, for better, what's the point to be together ?
Im AP. In the beginning of this video it goes on to say about fear of not being loved or feeling unloved. For me it is not really about feeling unloved or not being loved. It's more like.. being loved and feeling loved. But that love is not good enough to get my needs met or to keep the ones we love in our lives...because we don't or can't met their expectations.
So right on! But how do you self soothe .??? Will this ever work? And who best with. It never goes away,how to fix and the phase self soothe- what really is it?? I desperately need help!
My ex suits this style perfectly. She got a depression when her parents divorced about 5 or 6 years ago, and while she got over her depression, she’s extremely afraid of being alone so she always needed me to be around. And when I wasn’t around when she wanted, she was always extremely upset or sad. I feel bad that I didn’t recognize her attachment style during the relationship, maybe it would have saved our relationship😔
Express needs or have them? I don’t feel the permission to have needs. It sounds too good to be true so I can’t really think it’s something that I’d want to think I have. Thanks for the video!
Yes you described me exactly! as an anxious attachment style, my default mode is to give and give until I collapse. having my own needs is so beyond comprehension, I feel I am not allowed to have needs it is forbidden, that having needs makes me weak and too difficult. So I ignore my own needs in favor of others, self-sacrificing it is where I find purpose, to receive means I compromise who I am and all I stand for, it's too much to ask for but at the same time I need it
This is so accurate. I wish I had this information years ago! And I'm curious if it's possible to be between an Anxious and Secure attachment style. In my last relationship, I felt I was a Secure person. I knew my boundaries and didn't take things too personally. Two years in, my dismissive avoidant boyfriend broke up with me almost out of nowhere. It was such a shock that I was physically sick for weeks after. Thanks to the help of my friends and taking care of myself mentally and emotionally, I was doing okay. A month after the break up my ex boyfriend basically asked to get back together and that he'll work out his issues. We got back together and worked really hard to sort out through our emotions and needs. But I also noticed that the shock of the breakup made me into an Anxious person. At the end of the relationship his dismissive was too much to handle. I have a few health problems and he just couldn't handle me when I was sick. It broke my heart thinking he loved me but my health issues inconvenienced him. I couldn't do it anymore. I feel like that second half of our relationship has turned me into an Anxious person. Though I'm actively learning how to be as Secure as I once was.
Meli oh man this sounds almost identical to my last relationship. The trauma of a sudden breakup/abandonment was way too REAL. I feel for you. Just remember, you can always heal. The breakup was probably just showing you the wounds that were already there.
Extremely grateful for sharing your insight publicly. Not only are you helping identify, but you also offer the tools, many thanks. My question is, if one recognizes they have an anxious attachment style, do you recommend people share it with their partners, or is it best to work through the process individually? My concern is that in sharing one becomes labeled or identified as having a deficit. Those of us who live with these feelings/emotions in no way find them enjoyable. We seek help in the shadows. We honestly desire balance and a happy loving life, but it can feel incredibly vulnerable sharing our deepest fears. Thank you for your thoughtful and kind videos
Ryan Whiteford Very good question! I think I will ask my new possible partner if he knows abut attachment styles and if not, let him read up or do a quiz. Definitely done with Avoidants!
Wow this is really enlightening! I would say I guess I have this type of attachment style of being anxious, however i do give my partner time to breathe and have their own life of course, but I guess I'm afraid if I don't meet up their emotional needs as much then that scares me if I'm doing my own thing too idk lol. But we do talk about our problems we may have very quickly and I am grateful for that.
My God, this is so spot on. I'm currently in a relationship with a DA and it is absolute torture. I want to connect so badly and she wants to avoid connection so badly. Thinking our last chance is to try PACT therapy. I would just break up with her but she's carrying my baby. I feel like I should try to make it work.
how are you guys doing today, after 4 years ? Also, congratulations on baby, wishing your family only the best and much understanding and care for one another!💛
Wish I would’ve seen this video 2 years ago. Perhaps I would still be with my anxious preoccupied girlfriend. Described her to a T. She would never communicate her expectations, wants, and needs. Imbalance and resentment ensued.
Hi friend, I am an AP myself, what are you? the girl I am involved with is fearful avoidant, so it is okay to express needs then? to have expectations, and wants? that is okay to say? and not selfish? she's told me she'd give me the world, but I just can't fathom it, there's no way I can take from another human being, wouldn't that make me manipulative or selfish? I don't know just thinking out loud here..
They can have explosions of jealousy. (due to fear of losing the relationship). Am I right? My ex was craving for attention, so much that he faked the impression he wants to make a suicide (that he never would do). And also just threatened my ex ex bf that he will ... him if he sees him (wanted to scare him away from approaching me) - and that way after I broke up with him. I caught him stalking me around my home, grocery store etc, a year or more after the breakup.
Too late for me, wife has anxious attachment. I love her but my need for space ended up on separation and she overlapped with someone else while we were separated. I love her but I feel betrayed and she is not attracted to me anymore, I regret not knowing this before but now I can only focus on learning and let go. Thanks for the video!
I dont think we are damaged i think we are intellectually misusing our gifts. We understand life from our pov and from what we've been through we become more empathetic ppl.
All insecure types are coping and relating to others from their POV and what they learned worked for them in past- whether it was space or connection. AA’s have great empathy but can take it too far with co-dependency.
Oof... That was really sad but also pretty nauseating/triggering to listen to. Describes an ex-friend to a T. I used to try so hard to be there for him. I would wake up to huge walls of text and I'd try my best to reply paragraph by paragraph, sentence by sentence, reassure him, tell him how much he means to me and our shared friends, tell him his beautiful traits and how capable he was and just try my best to be there, calm him down, elevate his self esteem as best as I could and push him to try the things he wanted but was too shy or self conscious about. And yet he would end up accuse me of secretly wanting to leave, projecting stuff from a past relationship, it was really painful being accused like that when trying so hard. What excruciating last two years with him. Always lashing out, playing weird manipulative mind games, trying to keep me "in debt" with unwanted "advice" and "gifts" he'd force on me. Constantly leaving me to pick up the pieces to "repair him" for it to never last. Nothing was ever enough. Boundaries constantly ignored or briefly and begrudgingly acknowledged only for him to get upset at having to put up with them, like he never wanted to stop touching me or calling me nicknames more suited for a girlfriend, even though I expressed early on that I was not interested in a relationship and it made me very uncomfortable. I ended up feeling so emotionally violated and pushed to become avoidant. One of the creepiest things he did was secretly take pictures of me with my own phone... pretty sure it was an accident and he meant to take them with his own phone... I think. And towards the end, when I got pretty avoidant, he actually tried to push for a weekly schedule for us to meet up almost every day: at school, outside, as well as chat at designated times, all this without consulting with me first to ask for my opinion.... so obsessive. No idea what he's up to now, but I hope he's doing better and has matured and healed some, because that was the most painful connection I've had, and I've had to deal with a narcissist in my family.
literally me. but WHY do I seem to only attract or be attracted to dismissive/fearful attachments styles? 😩 they NEVER understand me & I end up feeling so hurt & abandoned in the relationship. It sucks.
yeah same.I feel you 💛 How are you guys doing after 2 years, at eyou together, did you work it out? I know how tough it can be💔💔💔 DA requires a lot of work and is definitely doable and worth it, if there's mutual care and concern. If you love him and he loves you back, right..but it cannot be one sided. I love my DA very much but he has not acknowledge my patterns and tried to understand how to make it work, just asked me multiple times to be mindful of his attachment style and learn about him and improve.. without taking notice of how in return his ways toward me and around me affect me. It has caused a lot of internal pain, still is. I want us to work and I want to be loved by him to such degree where he himself sees the worth to do it with me and for me and for us as a couple..but it's getting more and more unlikely instead of keep telling how I need to do this or take notice of that so he feels emotionally safe and comfortable without reciprocating it back. that 1 way street situation is where it becomes a deal breaker for me. Unless it is mutual, it cannot work. Any relationship for that matter. Both care for themselves AND one another. If you don't care for the heart of your SO, then don't enter relationship.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being suffocated and I'm a AP , is that because she is mare anxious then I am? Could I be closer to dismissive then her? I'm definitely AP
I have an avoidant attachment style ..people say you shouldn’t be with anxious styled person but i really wanna make it wo k ..are there any techniques?
so, singles out there. who wants someone who is super loving and needs a lot of intention in return? who wants to live in an almost spiritual symbioses with the partner? who likes discussing about misunderstandings (and philosophy) elaborately until everyone feels loved again? then contact me, lol. seriously. im AP, i tend to feel lonely... a lot.
Is there any chance you could re-do this video? There's so much good stuff in here, but the sound is so bad that I can tell I'm missing stuff. My audio settings are all the way up. Like at around 12:30 the video audio is really garbled. This is a really helpful topic and I'm learning so much! Your later videos are just easier to hear. Thank you for doing all these videos, really. :-)
This is the guy I'm dating now, but another add on is hes recently divorced( 1.5 away from partner). He text allllllll the time, and wants to see me everytime hes free, but I'm not sure if those feelings are for me or the ex? 🤔😪 le sigh....
Oh my gosh you are a great birthday gift for me I’m dating a fearful avoidant sometimes dismissive but I have had all the validation and vulnerability from him and I being a anxious attachment who tries to play it cool and I’m chilled out which I am when I’m getting the unprompted loving text and out the blue call when he’s like the man I met ( in my opinion) but I see now how not knowing this has made me feel like I have been under appreciated because I don’t get attention when I need it the emotional bond waiting for Ik text you later too literally and I’m such a selfish cow ( sometimes) im like a toddler 🙈
I’m currently in a breakup with a anxious attachment. Any tips on how to get them back. I already apologized and tried to fix the issues but I don’t wanna be pushy. When I back off and go no contact she seems to come back around.
if you give her obvious honest love messages and attention (regularly and consistent!), i think she will be back in no time. because i know that i would.
I literally can't even get into a relationship because during the early stages of just dating all of these intense anxious tendencies come out right away and I scare everyone off. Can anyone help me?
is a relationship of anxious type with an avoidant dismissive possible. I met a perfect girl, she's avoidant and i really want it to work. it's difficult. please let me know if you get the time😞
It might be possible if she is prepared to understand and learn about the two attachment style dynamics. And then of course be empathetic and open to work together.
Thank you so much for this! My boyfriend has an anxious attachment style and I want to be the best girlfriend I could be for him. I want him to know he is loved.♥️
Yes girl 🙌
He's so lucky to have you. 😊
This is beautiful
I feel this on a deep level but I don’t want to push people away because Of it
God bless you. I wish you both a happy and long-lasting relationship.
Yes, I can totally relate to the disconnect causing anxiety. Distance and space trigger anxiety. Letting go is hard.
Summary Notes, by Timecode
0:41
Anxious attachment style develops in childhood when there are deep inconsistencies in their emotional needs being met.
0:52
The inconsistency can be one parent who is loving and connecting while the other seems cold, not loving or caring. This can create uncertainty and fear of rejection (to a young child), creating a sort of neediness in them.
1:23
Another way that creates Anxious Attachment during early developmental years is when there is an issue in the family.
Both parents might have been very loving, but then a death happens and it causes the parents to emotionally withdraw. They might be going through their grieving processes and become unable to give their love as they used to.
1:39
It can also happen when both parents are loving but are working most of the time. The child is left alone for long periods of time, creating a feeling of abandonment.
1:56
This seems like emotional rejection to the child and creates a deep fear of disconnect.
2:06
The core wound then is the feeling of being unloved.
2:22
How this manifests in adults is that this individual is so afraid of re-living that pain that they want to avoid any potential for rejection and abandonment. This makes them cling on, manipulate or control (Control what? The relationship, the other person? The other person it seems).
2:36
They need to learn to self-soothe. They need to learn that they are responsible for meeting their own needs.
2:55
Ideally you want to meet your own needs, and be feel comfortable and safe in asking others to meet your needs.
To be able to effectively communicate your needs and emotions to others you first need to have a through and deep understanding of them.
3:38
People with an Anxious Attachment style believe that if they sacrificed enough eventually the other person will love them back, or start meeting their needs the way that they want.
3:51
Usually the exact opposite happens. The more we sacrifice our own needs, the more we push people away.
This is because when we sacrifice meeting our own needs, we get frustrated, and resentful. These ill feelings will get projected onto the other person, that is to say we feel that the reason we are feeling resentful is because of the other person. We then eventually push that person away believing they are the reason for the pain.
4:33
People with this attachment style will try to get closer and stay connected with the other person.
They tend to be clingy even when it might be inappropriate, such as when the person they are dating isn't interested in them, or when they are in the very early stages of dating, or when somebody needs space in a relationship.
4:40
They come up with excuses, justifications and reasons to try to get closer and stay connected. These attempts are called as activating strategies.
Activating strategies come in a variety of forms and they are usually not aware they are doing this.
5:13
They come up with justifications for not hearing what people are communicating, in order to try to avoid the pain of abandonment and rejection, to avoid feeling unloved.
5:56
Sometime Anxious Attachment style people can try to control their partner's time outside of the relationship (controlling and manipulating part). They might not want you to have friendships or be close to your family.
This is because they subconsciously fear that each of these people could pose a threat to your bond. They are not consciously, or intentionally trying to manipulate you, but subconsciously trying to avoid feeling pain.
6:57
The partner of an AA can feel like they are pulled between different people, or feel restricted on what they can spend their time doing.
7:12
Within people having an Anxious Attachment style, there can be a spectrum. This can vary from people having high-levels of anxious attachment characteristics, down to people with just these traits and tendencies. Some can have enough conscious awareness of how they are showing up and be able to see that the partner needs space.
7:41
AA individuals are often not good at self soothing.
7:48
An AA child did not learn to disconnect from their parents to meet their own needs. They kept waiting and hoping for their parents to come back home and meet their needs, as opposed to developing a sense of self and autonomy early enough to meet their own needs or seek fulfillment elsewhere.
8:11
An adult AA has a hard time ending a fight. If their partner pulls away in a fight, they tend to follow the partner around.
8:39
An AA in a fight might not give space and try to fix it now, because they are so afraid of the disconnect.
8:46
They hunger for emotional bond and so any perceived threat to that becomes unbearable.
8:59
An AA might find themselves challenged when waiting for text messages. They will be afraid that something bad happened to their partner. They fear for the other person's safety.
Anything with a potential for a disconnect, loss, emotional abandonment or feeling unloved, will challenge them.
9:34
Sometimes we have to meet our own needs, sometimes people just can't be available to us, sometimes we have to let somebody else meet their needs.
9:43
An AA believes that consistently disowning themselves will lead to harmony. They believe that the other other people will do the same (disown themselves) back for them.
9:57
For an AA to heal, they need to learn to
- connect to their own emotions and needs
- meet their needs themselves
10:07
An AA often feels unheard. They will then go into elaborate recreations of their stories, their feelings, how they were hurt.
Most of the times the other person feels like getting blamed about everything they did wrong.
10:29
When you hear an AA blaming, it is just them trying to have their feelings validated. They are trying to feel connected and understood.
10:48
But it doesn't work. This is because since childhood when you were getting blamed, it was usually followed by punishment or shaming. The natural reaction of any human being thus is to shut down, protect and defend themselves. You disconnect.
This leaves the AA attachment style individual, who was blaming hoping to be heard, to be left further unheard. They will then try to speak up with even more elaborate details, following a subconscious strategy to feel connected again.
11:26
If you are an AA finding yourself feeling hurt or unheard, then the most effective thing you can do is to start expressing your feelings and needs.
Expressing your needs can look like, "Hey, I feel hurt when this happens and this is what I need instead." Be really clear and specific of your feelings and needs when you tell the other person.
Also ask for validation. This can look like, "Does that make sense to you? Can you see how I would feel that way?"
11:42
If you are with an AA style individual, encourage them to speak of their needs and feelings.
This can look like, "Hey, instead of this huge story why don't you tell me specifically what you are emotionally experiencing? I can then understand where you are coming from, and what your experiences are... Tell me specifically what do you need? I can then assess if I can give you this, how I can give this, how can we can make an exchange, meeting each other's needs better."
12:15
If you are an AA and you do not want the other person to feel like you are blaming, then speak of your emotional experiences and what you need. Speak from that vulnerability.
This takes the feeling of blame out of what you are saying and opens a path for clear communication.
12:43
Often an AA will harbor resentment. This is because they tend to be perpetual over givers, disowning themselves and their needs.
13:04
AA's are afraid to communicate their needs. They fear that their needs will be rejected and they will have to re-live that pain.
13:16
They might be good at telling elaborate stories, expressing their emotions. But after telling that story they struggle to express what they need.
Expressing their feelings and need might look like, "Hey, I felt hurt yesterday about this experience. I know you didn't intend for it but that was the way I took it. Can you see why I would feel that way? Next time can you try to do this?"
If you are an AA follow the story with, "and I need this", or "Hey, can you do this?"
14:08
The core triggers of an AA
- Rejection
- Especially anything that feels like being rejected emotionally
- Disconnection
- with time (eg, when the other person is taking too much space)
- space (eg, travelling often)
- energy (eg, imbalance when one is over giving and doing while the other isn't)
- Coldness or Withdrawing
- this might even lead to fights, just so that the AA can feel the connection
15:24
Needs of an AA
- Emotional Intimacy, a bond that feels secure
- Attention, presence, validation, adoration
- being adored makes them feel loved, you need them, you are not going to leave them. This makes them feel safe. This balances their fear of being unloved.
- Want to understand your feelings, and is good at hearing you.
16:39
If you are a partner to an AA, make sure to express your needs.
If your need is something that might trigger an AA (say you need more space), say "Hey, you are amazing. I adore you. This is a great relationship. But sometimes I need a little bit of space as well, because I have a different set of needs. Sometimes I need x, y and z."
Follow that up again with positivity and validation.
Doing so you can express clearly and get understood. An AA will then hold great space for wanting to meet your needs.
17:37
The best way a partner to an AA can get their needs met is by sandwiching their needs between assurances of certainty about the relationship and validation that they are loved and connected.
This will help you express your needs and get them met, while not triggering their core wounds.
Thank you so much for the timecode, very useful and helpful!
@@Junniechi my pleasure
Thank you very much!!!!!
@@NashNaosh you are welcome
That’s me!
As an anxious attached person watching this video, i must say: damn. You nailed it.
She did!
Yup.
yup!! and starting 15:25 onward - 🎯🎯🎯 so on point
I am an avoidant person and I am in a relationship with an anxious person. This helps me understand better my partner.
It's nice that you are trying to find this out. I guess the misconception is that all DA don't really care about fixing their relationships with APs.
Cappy Gurl were actually really caring people who haven’t grown up with that caring nurturing needs within our childhood. Why does everyone think we’re careless :(
@@qamiel have some empathy. it is neuro-biologically true
@@qamiel oh dear then i can imagine why a such a comment would hit a nerve. hope you are doing okay through the breakup!
Are you sure you are avoidant? You are not supposed to care.
Every point is so accurate. I would torture myself thinking about why i act this way, why I’m sooo hurt, why do i need so much when it doesn’t really make sense. Im just super scared to be alone.
Hit it right on the nose.
This helps me understand so many of my ex's actions. Some of her actions made me feel so uncomfortable; it felt like she didn't respect my boundaries. Anytime I ask for some time to think or say I'm not yet ready to discuss something, she's would force the conversation. Whenever she travelled for work, she would accuse me of leaving her. She is the love of my life; I just didn't know how to be the right partner for her. I feel really bad because I now understand how much she was hurting. It breaks my heart to know a few videos, and some reading could've shown me how to be a better partner to her... I wish I knew of attachment style, while we were together. I miss her every day, but I'm scared I'll hurt her because of my attachment style. I really love her with all my heart, but wish I knew how to make her know this sooner
Do any of my fellow anxious style feel like our attachment style is A LOT of effort? 😂 Like I know we have good points and it’s all on a continuum as is everything, but damn! No wonder we struggle with relationships we are a lot of work 😂
I feel the same. I kinda hate it lol
I was looking for this comment LOL. i feel the same way :D
I feel the same way and I kinda feel bad for my boyfriend because I just can only imagine how frustrating it can sometimes be to handle my insecurities and my clingyness (is that a word? Idk) But he still is so supportive of me and I'm actually thinking about telling him today what my "problem" is because I found out just yesterday that I have this attachment style, I have never even heard of that before... maby then he'll understand me better and I'm really trying to work on myself but it's just so hard.
Yeah i need someone like me I think i can totally handle someone like me lol i lost a marriage and recent relationship cause of this. But finding someone like me i totally get lol
As long as you recognise it and take accountability for it, you'll keep moving towards secure style.
I appreciate how you describe each attachment style in a realistic and more positive light- coming from a place of unmet needs and insecurities opposed to having negative and neglectful or abusive traits. Your way of communicating greatly increases understanding and empathy rather than harsh judgment for each attachment style. 💗
I almost feel safe enough to share with my avoidant ex. Almost! :)
These things are so subconscious. It's hard to overcome what is essentially hidden.
I only started investigating "attachment style" when I had (what I now know) was an Avoidant GF. That almost drove me to madness. It took me over a year to start feeling normal again after she dumped me. During the process......I discovered my own attachment style which I believe is this one. I have siblings but I was the youngest by 7 years and spent most of my time on my own. My parents both worked full time and I found it hard to make friends. I was a bit awkward growing up. Didnt have present role models and struggled with trying to figure out life by myself. A sister passed when she was 21. I was 14. Thank you for helping me understand more about myself. Its given me the direction to explore more about how to be a more functional human being.
This has been so helpful. I'm binge watching your attachment style videos and trying to heal my anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Great work!
Me too!!!!
Good luck friend. I'm glad you've been able to give yourself that love and gentleness.
Yup. I’m over it. I give and give, and receive nothing in return or it isn’t even matched.
I’m in therapy now.....and learning about healthy boundaries and how to say NO!
Me too. Tired of over giving, and it's never appreciated
@@HisaLight2mypath but like she said it just becomes overwhelming and pushes them away, a person who doesn't understand just sees it as annoying when they are trying to have alone time, or hang out with friends
I'm so lucky to have a securely attached partner, I think I'd be so much more emotionally wrecked with any other attachment styles, as an anxious one. I really want to work on this because it isn't fair to constantly be crying about the smallest inconsistencies in the love I receive. Hopefully I can heal.
I have come to realize that my last relationship was with a secure man and I as AP felt that there wasn't enough passion in the relationship, God how I wish I would have known this back then, that was the longest relationship I have ever had and now I have been alone for almost 9 years because I try to repress my anxious need for a romantic relationship.
Hey, did you make any great improvements in 2 years?
I have been struggled to find out the root cause of my insecurity in relationship. Today I FOUND IT. I'd be imagining things and anxious when my boyfriend doesn't text me for one day or suspect that he lost interest when he doesn't call as often. Your video helps me understand myself a bit better now. Thank you!
Josephine H I mean, a Good boyfriend texts every other day. A GREAT boyfriend texts everyday. A man worth making a father texts all day or however long the communication is required
I'm an anxious attachment transitioning to secure... Inner work is necessary... I learnt that being anxious preoccupied wasn't just unpleasant for my partner or the other person BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY FOR ME, THE ONE FILLED WITH ALL THIS ANXIETY WAITING TO BE TRIGGERED.
I'm aware that it's gonna be a process and journey, but it's worth it.
I'm with an anxious attachment style now and it's very telling, it's like looking in the mirror because I'm getting to see how I been acting in all my previous relationships.
Wow this stuff is crazy...
This was spot on and resonated with me so much it put me to tears. I've never felt entitled to ask my partner to help me with this and I will be showing him this video. Thank you so much for doing what you do!
This practically made me cry. No one has ever gotten me so right. Thank you 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
*starts explaining triggers*
wow, she is reading me for filth.
😂😂😂
Hey brianna your profile pic is really cool
I wish the quality of this video was better because it's really good.
I do not have a concern about my partner having outside relationships. I do have a problem with self-soothing. It creates anxiety in me when my partner disengages with me or disconnects from me.
It is not possible to not fear abandonment when being with someone who actually abandons you. Not when you were even clinging. When they come to you and cuddle you and tell you that you make them so happy then drop you out of no where. Then breadcrumb you a few days later even at the hospital. When you overcommunicate as gentle as possible without asking for too much or even an apology. That is abandonment. They know they do it. Laughing with friends and having a blast. This isn't an unfounded fear. As an AA I'm already hyperaware that I might not be enough and so I overaccomodate even with space. None of that protected me from this abandonment. I don't think anyone will ever love me like I love anyone. And I will do the work but I'm not doing relationships anymore.
You just need to find someone who understands. Its possible.
same
I have never felt so validated in my life. Thank you
I’m an anxious preoccupied, and wow did I learn a lot about myself and how my reactions stemmed from something much more rooted from my early beggining. It’s sad that a breakup had to happen for me to learn this, but now I know how to find writhing myself why I’m feeling that way and how to communicate and cope properly! Thanks for this video it was super helpful !
I'm definitely sending this to whomever I date next
Lol yeah. Me too!
It’s affecting every relationship my whole life
Same!
The most relief after figuring out what it is… is knowing it can be changed. And it’s true. PDS has been a godsend.
Thank you so much for doing this work. I am totally anxious attachment style and doing EMDR work on childhood trauma. I also have a dating podcast and thought to have a episode about how to deal with a break up and attachment styles. It's fascinating how much im learning about how much this determines almost every aspect of our romantic relationships! I never put it together before like this. I'm so thankful this resource. Thanks again!
Farrah Can you send me a link to the podcast about how to deal with the break up and attachment styles? Am anxious and my ex broke up with me, but I am going thru hell
Farrah I’m also anxious attachment and did EMDR for fear of abandonment. I was skeptical but I believe it actually worked for me! Has it helped you?
Wow I learned I have this attachment but it has gotten a bit better. I still have work to do, but my last relationship with a dismissive avoidant triggered my anxious attachment so much and I kept trying to hold on when in reality I needed to let go. Seeking validation and love from someone who can’t give it to you because they can’t go themselves is not the way to go. I’m learning to validate myself, loving myself, getting my needs met from myself. Being more secure in myself so I can stop having that feeling if abandonment in my romantic relationships. It’s a journey but my goal is to change my anxious attachment to a secure one so I can attract another secure attachment. Thank you for creating this video and I’ll binge watch all your other videos!
Im just like you two ladies, i was so triggered, its so painful yet i still love him two years later & would like to give it another go with my healing work i have done on myself, i dont think he will agree, but then i must definately let go deep down i know this, sick of being a last priority & must learn to validate myself also & meet my own needs instead of external.......Love & Healing to you also ❤
Love this comment. Anxious attachment style people become exhausting and strain out the relationship. The recommendation tends to be to find a more stable secure partner but even they get worn out. It’s just a bit much. I think learning how to manage it is great, any type of anxiety is never good. Proper, respectful communication of our needs is important. It’s one thing to have an attachment style like this, but I’m noticing many just can’t communicate and it all turns into pain and nagging on both sides. Seems the attachment styles can play nicely when respect is maintained.
I kept trying to hold on when in reality I needed to let go! That is me.. Thanks! It is over, he broke up with me over a month ago an I am STILL hoping he will come back. It sucks!
Wow. This is the first time I've felt fully understood.
At first, I was like: Okay this cannot be it.
Then half way through, Thais was just legit describing every little detail about me. All of this caused me and my partner to break up, not because we don't love one another, but because we just couldn't connect and communicate, perhaps now, I will be able to help myself too, so that I can live better.
Quite eloquently the best exposition of this attachment type
I'm not to that extreme. I have other friends. I have traits and tendencies. I do hunger for connection. Just want to feel heard and connected.
Maribel Palacios same! I have a very full life, I work full time, own a two family house, love going to the gym, friends, etc. but the emotional connection just was not there. I got triggered when he pulled away, and I feel had there been an emotional connection, I wouldn’t have felt triggered when he pulled away. He breaks up slowly and in a passive aggressive way - I mean really I think that would make anyone mad 🤷🏽♀️
@@gitchygitchyyaya You guys might be much more 'Secure' than 'Anxious'. I am 64% Secure and 36% Anxious type according to Thais' PersonalDevelopmentSchool quiz, and I think I can feel your pain.
We have work to do on ourselves, to be sure WE set boundaries too (like the avoidants know how to do naturally!) but we cannot be the only ones to do that emotional labor. It taks both sides working on it.
Thank you for explaining this style so well. I know I do the things you mention due to anxious attachment but as conscious of it as I am I cant stop it for long. I wish I knew the way to break this cycle.
Zephirus10 it sucks having this style as a male. Women are generally not attracted to needy emotional men. They may be at first, but they’ll get turned off quickly, or worse, cheat or take advantage. When I learned this I would repress any emotions or actions typically taken by anxious style, but that just makes me feel like hell inside.
@@jmgmetal We are basically in the scenario of most average relationships, where the MAN 'classically' has all of the avoidant attachment issues and emotional stuntedness, and the WOMAN 'classically' comes across as too needy, too clingy, and too emotional or sensitive.
It does make it kind of strange in a patriarchal society to be kind of flipped upside down, and be the one who has to suffer through what most women have probably had to go through in most marriages in history... I think we can learn from that example of hundreds of millions of wives before us who have had to do the major emotional labor to help both sides compromise and work out a strong foundation.
We gotta 'man up' about it, by 'womaning down'? I dunno I might be a fuckin kook.
I'd love to know an anxious attachment style man!
I took a break from relationships for two years..even went celibate. Worked on myself, gym, my business, got out of debt, saved money, hobbies, developed my talents. Never knew about this attachment style, but I was so sick of getting burned in relationships. 8 mos later i serendipitously met someone. We weren’t looking for anything but it just sort of “happened”. She was avoidant style. I thought those two years of working on myself helped me but I fell right back into anxious attachment. I’m realizing now how difficult difficult this is going to be. We pretty much split ways I think. I’m devastated. I’m seriously considering going MGTOW, but I really don’t want to.
MGTOW is a cop-out. I am also an AA in a relationship with an FA right now after taking 3 years off in the hyperbolic time chamber to drop 180lbs and transform myself as well, very similar situation.
If you are truly willing to work on all YOUR issues of anxious attachment, AND she is willing to work on her issues of Fearful Avoidant, you can work it out.
The reason it will fail is because one side or the other simply cannot feel comfortable compromising with each others needs, or you can't figure out the logistics of how to treat one another to fulfill those needs.
What is Motown???
How do you self soothe L
I feel you, when I’m single and alone I’m the happiest. When I meet someone the AP side comes out. I was with an abusive ex for 5 years. Those anxious feelings were justified as he constantly cheated messaged other females. It’s my own fault for staying so long. However I took a few years to myself and have now met a DA. I’m trying my hardest to understand his boundaries and comply. But feel he doesn’t understand me so it’s becoming difficult to continue.
This is so accurate it makes me feel sick. I'm working on myself a lot though, thanks in part to my fearful avoidant boyfriend...I kinda have to work passed my issues or I'm going to destroy myself and the relationship. I need to get secure.
doki doki How is it going? My relationship of 4,5 years did not survive and I am in hell..
@@GMH9765 I'm sorry to hear that. Mine is going okay. I'm on a mood stabilizer now too which has helped a lot.
fearful avoidant is so hard too, I'm one and dating an anxious and I don't even know my own boundaries... I know when too much is too much... how do you guys set boundaries?
I’m speechless because you have just explained me to a T!!! I am keeping this video and hope to show my husband. Now I need to find one about what to do when dating an avoidant.
My girlfriend has an anxious attachment style so I appreciate this so much. I think it will really help our relationship! Thanks 🙏 😊
Damn.
This described someone I know so well. I'm feeling bad that I didn't understand them better.
Being with them only pushed my avoidant side more..
But this video helped me understand them better. Thank you for this
Thank you this has been soooo helpful! Trying to work through mine and heal my inner child!
This was such an insightful eye-opener. Just listening to your video, I feel like I've made a huge breakthrough. I'm 31 and recently realized I've had an anxious attachment style all my life due to problems stemming from my childhood. I recently ruined a relationship due to my attachment which caused me to have an epiphany: I've been displaying the same problematic attachment style for my whole life which is why I've been mostly alone and without a meaningful relationship up to this point. To prevent something like this happening again, I want to identify why I act the way I do and learn to manage my emotions better. This video was so helpful, thank you so much.
You are such a beautiful soul. Thank you so much for heling me understand and be more compassionate with myself 🦄.
Your eyes are so captivating, thank you for this video!
This was so good! Totally describes me and I’m excited because this will really help me communicate better and be more self aware. Thank you!
This really describes my core struggles to a T. Not the nicest thing to hear, since it's at least in part my dark side, but definitely useful.
Thank you
while i was watching this video, (as an anxious-ambivalent) i thought of sending it to him but then i thought, what if he doesnt care about this video and thus, doesnt care about me, then i would feel bad. let’s just dont send it to him at all. that just correlates with what you have been saying all through the video. ps: i am still not sure of sending it to him :d
Lol same
I reasoned that if you send this to him and he doesnt care then you're probably better off without him. Just imo
Haha… I totally feel the same!!
thinking same stuff now....did you end up sending? how did he react? and agree with someone in comments - if he doesn't care about getting to know you, for better, what's the point to be together ?
Thank you for telling me about me for 20 minutes straight 🙌
Amazing explanation! So very thankful! Now I understand so much better someone close to me....
I wish i would have had you around years ago your content would have saved my relationship.
Im AP. In the beginning of this video it goes on to say about fear of not being loved or feeling unloved. For me it is not really about feeling unloved or not being loved. It's more like.. being loved and feeling loved. But that love is not good enough to get my needs met or to keep the ones we love in our lives...because we don't or can't met their expectations.
Every word of this is gospel! I’m definitely a high level anxious attached person. Ugh. This is so helpful though! Preach girl! Thank you! 🙏🏻💙
So right on! But how do you self soothe
.??? Will this ever work? And who best with. It never goes away,how to fix and the phase self soothe- what really is it?? I desperately need help!
Great video. Spot on. Would be nice to have a version with updated audio. Thanks regardless!
Thanks for sharing Ms. Thais. It means a lots by giving me opportunity to know my needs better.
Btw, I love your tone of voice and you are beautiful
who else is anxious? 😓
My ex suits this style perfectly. She got a depression when her parents divorced about 5 or 6 years ago, and while she got over her depression, she’s extremely afraid of being alone so she always needed me to be around. And when I wasn’t around when she wanted, she was always extremely upset or sad. I feel bad that I didn’t recognize her attachment style during the relationship, maybe it would have saved our relationship😔
how do i send this to my girlfriend without sending it to her
meanwhile, how do I send this to my ex, without sending it to her.
I want to send it my ex too 😭
golden question..I also think to send to my bf.
Express needs or have them? I don’t feel the permission to have needs. It sounds too good to be true so I can’t really think it’s something that I’d want to think I have. Thanks for the video!
Yes you described me exactly! as an anxious attachment style, my default mode is to give and give until I collapse. having my own needs is so beyond comprehension, I feel I am not allowed to have needs it is forbidden, that having needs makes me weak and too difficult. So I ignore my own needs in favor of others, self-sacrificing it is where I find purpose, to receive means I compromise who I am and all I stand for, it's too much to ask for but at the same time I need it
Thank you, so, so much. It helps me understand my dear friend much more. You are amazing.
This part was what needed to understand @ 2:54 thank you!
& 2:45
This is so accurate. I wish I had this information years ago!
And I'm curious if it's possible to be between an Anxious and Secure attachment style. In my last relationship, I felt I was a Secure person. I knew my boundaries and didn't take things too personally. Two years in, my dismissive avoidant boyfriend broke up with me almost out of nowhere. It was such a shock that I was physically sick for weeks after. Thanks to the help of my friends and taking care of myself mentally and emotionally, I was doing okay. A month after the break up my ex boyfriend basically asked to get back together and that he'll work out his issues. We got back together and worked really hard to sort out through our emotions and needs. But I also noticed that the shock of the breakup made me into an Anxious person. At the end of the relationship his dismissive was too much to handle. I have a few health problems and he just couldn't handle me when I was sick. It broke my heart thinking he loved me but my health issues inconvenienced him. I couldn't do it anymore. I feel like that second half of our relationship has turned me into an Anxious person. Though I'm actively learning how to be as Secure as I once was.
Meli oh man this sounds almost identical to my last relationship. The trauma of a sudden breakup/abandonment was way too REAL. I feel for you. Just remember, you can always heal. The breakup was probably just showing you the wounds that were already there.
Extremely grateful for sharing your insight publicly. Not only are you helping identify, but you also offer the tools, many thanks.
My question is, if one recognizes they have an anxious attachment style, do you recommend people share it with their partners, or is it best to work through the process individually? My concern is that in sharing one becomes labeled or identified as having a deficit. Those of us who live with these feelings/emotions in no way find them enjoyable. We seek help in the shadows. We honestly desire balance and a happy loving life, but it can feel incredibly vulnerable sharing our deepest fears.
Thank you for your thoughtful and kind videos
Ryan Whiteford Very good question! I think I will ask my new possible partner if he knows abut attachment styles and if not, let him read up or do a quiz. Definitely done with Avoidants!
Wow this is really enlightening! I would say I guess I have this type of attachment style of being anxious, however i do give my partner time to breathe and have their own life of course, but I guess I'm afraid if I don't meet up their emotional needs as much then that scares me if I'm doing my own thing too idk lol. But we do talk about our problems we may have very quickly and I am grateful for that.
My God, this is so spot on. I'm currently in a relationship with a DA and it is absolute torture. I want to connect so badly and she wants to avoid connection so badly. Thinking our last chance is to try PACT therapy. I would just break up with her but she's carrying my baby. I feel like I should try to make it work.
This PACT therapy, is it working? Too late for me, for my avoidant ex finished with me, but just curious. Looked it up and it sounds good
how are you guys doing today, after 4 years ? Also, congratulations on baby, wishing your family only the best and much understanding and care for one another!💛
Wish I would’ve seen this video 2 years ago. Perhaps I would still be with my anxious preoccupied girlfriend. Described her to a T. She would never communicate her expectations, wants, and needs. Imbalance and resentment ensued.
Hi friend, I am an AP myself, what are you? the girl I am involved with is fearful avoidant, so it is okay to express needs then? to have expectations, and wants? that is okay to say? and not selfish? she's told me she'd give me the world, but I just can't fathom it, there's no way I can take from another human being, wouldn't that make me manipulative or selfish? I don't know just thinking out loud here..
Thank you so much for explaining all this
Very informative! What are some things youd recommend to do while dating an anxious attachment person while long distance?
They can have explosions of jealousy. (due to fear of losing the relationship).
Am I right?
My ex was craving for attention, so much that he faked the impression he wants to make a suicide (that he never would do). And also just threatened my ex ex bf that he will ... him if he sees him (wanted to scare him away from approaching me) - and that way after I broke up with him. I caught him stalking me around my home, grocery store etc, a year or more after the breakup.
Too late for me, wife has anxious attachment. I love her but my need for space ended up on separation and she overlapped with someone else while we were separated. I love her but I feel betrayed and she is not attracted to me anymore, I regret not knowing this before but now I can only focus on learning and let go. Thanks for the video!
This was beautifully done. Thank you.
Exactly what I need. Thank you!
wow what a relatable video.
I dont think we are damaged i think we are intellectually misusing our gifts. We understand life from our pov and from what we've been through we become more empathetic ppl.
All insecure types are coping and relating to others from their POV and what they learned worked for them in past- whether it was space or connection. AA’s have great empathy but can take it too far with co-dependency.
Oof... That was really sad but also pretty nauseating/triggering to listen to. Describes an ex-friend to a T.
I used to try so hard to be there for him. I would wake up to huge walls of text and I'd try my best to reply paragraph by paragraph, sentence by sentence, reassure him, tell him how much he means to me and our shared friends, tell him his beautiful traits and how capable he was and just try my best to be there, calm him down, elevate his self esteem as best as I could and push him to try the things he wanted but was too shy or self conscious about.
And yet he would end up accuse me of secretly wanting to leave, projecting stuff from a past relationship, it was really painful being accused like that when trying so hard. What excruciating last two years with him. Always lashing out, playing weird manipulative mind games, trying to keep me "in debt" with unwanted "advice" and "gifts" he'd force on me. Constantly leaving me to pick up the pieces to "repair him" for it to never last. Nothing was ever enough. Boundaries constantly ignored or briefly and begrudgingly acknowledged only for him to get upset at having to put up with them, like he never wanted to stop touching me or calling me nicknames more suited for a girlfriend, even though I expressed early on that I was not interested in a relationship and it made me very uncomfortable.
I ended up feeling so emotionally violated and pushed to become avoidant.
One of the creepiest things he did was secretly take pictures of me with my own phone... pretty sure it was an accident and he meant to take them with his own phone... I think. And towards the end, when I got pretty avoidant, he actually tried to push for a weekly schedule for us to meet up almost every day: at school, outside, as well as chat at designated times, all this without consulting with me first to ask for my opinion.... so obsessive.
No idea what he's up to now, but I hope he's doing better and has matured and healed some, because that was the most painful connection I've had, and I've had to deal with a narcissist in my family.
Wonderfull insightful. Thank you, Thais!
literally me. but WHY do I seem to only attract or be attracted to dismissive/fearful attachments styles? 😩 they NEVER understand me & I end up feeling so hurt & abandoned in the relationship. It sucks.
yeah same.I feel you 💛 How are you guys doing after 2 years, at eyou together, did you work it out? I know how tough it can be💔💔💔 DA requires a lot of work and is definitely doable and worth it, if there's mutual care and concern. If you love him and he loves you back, right..but it cannot be one sided. I love my DA very much but he has not acknowledge my patterns and tried to understand how to make it work, just asked me multiple times to be mindful of his attachment style and learn about him and improve.. without taking notice of how in return his ways toward me and around me affect me. It has caused a lot of internal pain, still is. I want us to work and I want to be loved by him to such degree where he himself sees the worth to do it with me and for me and for us as a couple..but it's getting more and more unlikely instead of keep telling how I need to do this or take notice of that so he feels emotionally safe and comfortable without reciprocating it back. that 1 way street situation is where it becomes a deal breaker for me. Unless it is mutual, it cannot work. Any relationship for that matter. Both care for themselves AND one another. If you don't care for the heart of your SO, then don't enter relationship.
Great video helped a lot thank you x
Could anxious attachment handle guys with kids if they themselves don’t have any?😕
Sometimes I feel like I'm being suffocated and I'm a AP , is that because she is mare anxious then I am? Could I be closer to dismissive then her? I'm definitely AP
Thank you
I have an avoidant attachment style ..people say you shouldn’t be with anxious styled person but i really wanna make it wo k ..are there any techniques?
Listen to #1 * Triggered *
Instead of anxious I would call it insecure. I feel they become anxious because they are insecure about the attachment they crave so much.
There are 3 insecure types. This is the anxious one.
so, singles out there. who wants someone who is super loving and needs a lot of intention in return? who wants to live in an almost spiritual symbioses with the partner? who likes discussing about misunderstandings (and philosophy) elaborately until everyone feels loved again? then contact me, lol. seriously. im AP, i tend to feel lonely... a lot.
What if you have one physically/ verbally/ emotionally abusive parent and the other is cold/ harsh etc?
Is there any chance you could re-do this video? There's so much good stuff in here, but the sound is so bad that I can tell I'm missing stuff. My audio settings are all the way up. Like at around 12:30 the video audio is really garbled. This is a really helpful topic and I'm learning so much! Your later videos are just easier to hear. Thank you for doing all these videos, really. :-)
yay thank you for uploading
This is the guy I'm dating now, but another add on is hes recently divorced( 1.5 away from partner). He text allllllll the time, and wants to see me everytime hes free, but I'm not sure if those feelings are for me or the ex? 🤔😪 le sigh....
Oh my gosh you are a great birthday gift for me
I’m dating a fearful avoidant sometimes dismissive but I have had all the validation and vulnerability from him and I being a anxious attachment who tries to play it cool and I’m chilled out which I am when I’m getting the unprompted loving text and out the blue call when he’s like the man I met ( in my opinion) but I see now how not knowing this has made me feel like I have been under appreciated because I don’t get attention when I need it the emotional bond waiting for Ik text you later too literally and I’m such a selfish cow ( sometimes) im like a toddler 🙈
Extremely insightful. This is my behaviors to a T. The anxious one. Thank you.
Wow thanks!
Even watching this is making me feel threatened!😢. Long way to go, step one…
Wow you look like a disney princess here
Did anyone send this video to their anxious partner? If so, how did it go?
I’m currently in a breakup with a anxious attachment. Any tips on how to get them back. I already apologized and tried to fix the issues but I don’t wanna be pushy. When I back off and go no contact she seems to come back around.
if you give her obvious honest love messages and attention (regularly and consistent!), i think she will be back in no time. because i know that i would.
@@neredan1182 yup 🎯 just communicate your love to her !
Her face the entire time 👁 👄 👁
I literally can't even get into a relationship because during the early stages of just dating all of these intense anxious tendencies come out right away and I scare everyone off. Can anyone help me?
AMAZING!!!!!!
Well, I never thought I was anxious until I started dating a Dismissive avoidant. …is this possible???…
Absolutely, meeting a person who is far enough into one of the insecure spectrums can definitely trigger and push you.
The reverse happened to me.
is a relationship of anxious type with an avoidant dismissive possible. I met a perfect girl, she's avoidant and i really want it to work. it's difficult. please let me know if you get the time😞
It might be possible if she is prepared to understand and learn about the two attachment style dynamics. And then of course be empathetic and open to work together.
i tried, didnt work. because i felt like i get nothing (back)...
@@neredan1182 they are called dismissive for a reason.. it's really precise.
On point.
Creepily accurate