Rules children follow in a narcissistic home
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- Опубліковано 2 сер 2024
- When a child grows up in dysfunctional home with one or both parents suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, then there are some common rules they have to follow. These rules are harmful and abusive. ***PLEASE NOTE THE FOLLOWING****
**** I mention an example in this video, which I haven't been able to go back and edit. I didn't express it as clearly as I should have and I would just like to make a clarification on this. In regards to the example of children doing chores in the family home, I am talking about extreme circumstances..I am talking about parents who demand that their children clean the whole house every day from top to bottom and then at the end tell them that their efforts aren't good enough. I am talking about parents who demand that their children do things in the home that are beyond their age and capabilities and are consequently abused over and over again for not being able to do these things (by calling them names or putting them down).Normal chores such as helping to set the table, helping with the laundry, doing the dishes, etc are by no means abusive! Normal chores help a child grow into a respectful and responsible adult that contributes and takes initiative.
To conclude, I would like to say that parents aren't supposed to be perfect and they do make mistakes. It is the scale of mistakes however and how this is dealt with that can cause damage or not. If as a child or (adult child) you feel that something wasn't quite right in your home environment and as a result, you suffer from low self esteem, depression or anxiety, then this video will validate your experience.
How many of us grew up hearing: "Stop crying, or I'll GIVE you something to cry ABOUT!"?
so many fucking times
That's so 1970s, along with, "I'll make you smile on the other side of your face."
Did parents at one time, whether Narc or not, think this was just good parenting? To toughen us up?
I used to scream my lungs out before I even got hit
If we were in public, my narc father would say "We will talk about this when we get home."
That was code for "I am going to flog your butt with a belt until it's red raw and you can't sit down because you being a normal child has embarrassed me."
Sometimes he'd wait when we got home. I don't know how many times I vomited from the stress of knowing what was coming but not knowing when it was going to finally happen.
How many grew up hearing: "I hurt you because I love you" or "It hurts me more than It hurts you" ?
Right here love! Needless to say, I have never used those words.
I always got "i love you but I really don't like you"
@@jeniferknox yup those are my parents to a tea
Yesss
Especially when she physically beat me
One of our rules was that I did not have emotion. I was not allowed to be upset or angry towards my parents. Serious backlash. My husband was the one who taught me it's safe to share those feelings.... with him. At first I would write him a letter and read it to him because I was so fearful he would be mad at me for the way I felt. I was wrong. My husband was so open and loving. I have learned so many positive things from my husband.
Same thank goodness my husband is the opposite of my Dad.
Oh I bloody feel this 100% my husband is who is teaching me to be more in tuned to myself and he never judges me 💗 hoping every child of narcissism finds a path to bring light into their lives!
KEEP HIM
My darling soulmate husband taught me that it is ok to be me and to have feelings. He was the one who helped me to see my family dysfunctionality in all its ugly reality.
I saw a lot of it but after meeting Kevin I realised there was so much that I didn’t see because of the gaslighting.
My family have since discarded me because they can’t stand that I’m perfectly happy in my own being and their mind control games don’t work anymore.
Though I’ve lost my husband to heart failure a few years ago, not a day goes by that I don’t count my blessings that we met. He saved me from the toxicity of my family, and brought me into the fold of his loving, healthy functioning family who are still very much in my life today.
Glad you found happiness.
They hate you because you are honest and this smashes the family delusion of perfection.
Yeah that’s the point narcissist hate the truth because it hides their self image and makes us act crazy so I’m gonna keep telling them the fucking truth until they crack in half I don’t care how long it takes
God this is so true
True
When you realize how different the way you were raised compared to parents who love their children unconditionally makes it hurt worse but thank you for putting words to these unspoken rules.
Itsjustaride life absolutely agree with this and relatable
I guess I never realized how weird my house was until I learned how close my friends were with the parents and I couldn't even imagine it
@itsjustaride life Its easy to feel sadness and regret that we never got the love and validation that other families gave their children. We cant choose out parents, though! But be satisfied that you recognize your parent's faults, are healing, and provide a better, more loving home for YOUR family.
Right...it makes me so sad. I think to myself from time to time, “Just imagine what your life would’ve been like if you had parents that actually loved you unconditionally instead of just seeing you as an extension of themselves. Just imagine if your mother gave you a mother’s genuine love and affection, actually having the ability to truly empathize and sympathize with you. Imagine if your parents actually had enough of an understanding to truly care about you and your emotions. Imagine not having to suffer physical, emotional, sexual (from my mom’s bf...now he’s my stepdad), and verbal abuse from the people who were supposed to protect you. Just IMAGINE how much better your life would be, the many mental health issues you would’ve avoided, the agonizing heartache and heartbreak that you wouldn’t have even known...at least in your own household, and the two times you were forced to go into a mental facility, while you were still a minor, being nonexistent in time. You’ll never get your wish for that loving childhood you were wrongfully denied of...because you’re now an adult (I’m 18). Unfortunately, such a world is a fantasy and you’re left with the damage that was done to you.” 😞 geez this got depressing lol sorry if this ruined your mood or something I’m kinda emo 😅
@@kelseymcnail368 You had friends? I never did because we were "special" and others weren't worthy of our friendship.
They also pit the children against the other parent.
Yes. My father is still trying to do that to my mother. She is taking medications for anxiety and depression for the past 20 years. There was an argument a couple of days ago and i supported my mom and spoke against him. His reply to my mom was "Congrats.You have won and you have turned my son against me."
Or pit the other siblings against the scapegoat.
My father did the same with my mother. It was horrible to witness and my father also pitted my brother against me as well for standing up against him. My father realized when I was a teen I was no longer threatened or intimidated by him that I saw through him and he hated it. I felt so empowered as a young woman to accomplish that because I became untouchable.
@@sonjabates5307 I'm actually scared to think if his behaviour has subconsciously affected me or not. What if i get married and do the same to my wife?
@@shill1989 I understand your fear it is a legitimate one because you don't want to be or act like him. It is true parents imprint on their children, however don't fail your ability to reconcile the truth of what your subconscious mind has told you. You have the inherent ability to sense what is right and wrong and your fathers behavior had clear distinctions that violate a moral code of decency and civility towards another. The fact you can made the distinction means you are keenly aware and sensitive to how mental illness and abuse works. This also means you know empathy and have not only witnessed the pain but have felt it as well being a child of a mentally ill parent. You have what he does not: empathy and that my dear is your guarantee you will not be a horrible husband or father but an exceptional one! Replace your fear with knowing this stops here and goes no further. But as a son You need to help educate your mother she will have a shallow core of identity and low self esteem and that is not how to live. She needs help and in my opinion could use a support group. A place where she can safely learn and express her experiences. There is a group called Recovery it's free & meets in the evenings once a week in churches all over the country with a group dedicated to women of abuse, they also have groups for depression and anger etc. If your mother attends she will shift in processing out her emotions. There is no cross talking or counseling just hearing that others have similar experiences. It's completely confidential yet she can bond with others and find strength. Your father will be a control freak and will be highly suspicious and won't like losing power over her or anyone running interference of his terror so she will need to white lie about the exact nature of participation. She can just say she wants to attend a church meeting at night (and there is no lie there is a main group session for men and women that involves talking about God or positive experiences or break throughs others are making at recovery since it covers many avenues of hurt people have in their lives) But if you also have concerns or need to discuss there are men support groups within Recovery as well. If you are local to your mom you can go together so she doesn't feel alone and feels protected. I hope we can stay in touch I have made metal illness my study most of my life in order to survive it but I'm not without scars myself. I can share them but only for the purpose that you can realize that the way we survive often means certain behaviors such as anxiety, depression, PTSD or CPTSD become a part of us as a defensive mechanism the brain needs in order just to survive. Survival mentality is tricky because to unlearn anxiety, depression or lose the hold of extreme pain or lost memories is hard to reconcile out of your life without fear of losing oneself in the process. But those very things are what makes us less than what God intends for us when there is so much more we can be without that mental & emotional baggage. I hope this makes sense to you I have a feeling you know exactly what I am talking about. It's easy to trigger when people dialogue about their experiences. But the purpose for everyone is to help others get past the past so they can live in the present and for the future freely and to be the best version of themself so they can love in a way that defies the lacking presence of it earlier in life. I know you know love because of how you speak of your mother and how you wish to protect your future spouse. Gotta run hope to chat another time, Sonja
My father to me when I was a kid: "don't think, do what you're told"
My father to me as an adult: "you're an adult, take some initiative"
Me: when the hell do you thik I got the chance to learn how to do that? I wasn't allowed to 'think' as a child?
the ruling elite and education system also mirrors this dogma
Just like at work. You don't get paid to think..
Yes!!!!
In their deluded minds they somehow think that once you become an adult you just automatically learn everything you need to know without ever being taught. Its really a shame how far gone they are, but there isn't much you can do.
@@saltoftheearth412 absolutely
What really gets to me is that they have NO respect for us and NEVER respect our boundaries and they expect those things back and more
Yes, yes, yes.
My life, verbatim
Well they could try w that BS, by the tine I got to the 11-12-13 years old, they meant absolutely nothing to me. I did whatever it took to me to fit in w street family.Drugs, staying out late, certain clothes I had to steal or work for hood hoes babysitter for 4 kids. Of course parents tried to stop this but I realized that their image had no effect on my personal teenage growth. My parents did not care about me T all. Personal lesson 1.
They never respect us because they only see us as extensions of themselves and they hate themselves , so we were only ever going to be seen by them as a tool to project a pretty picture to the world that they are great ... you get the rest
AMEN TO THAT!!!!
I think an important one is narcissistic rage. This is where the narcissistic parent will scream at and severely reprimand the child over the most minor offenses.
Howie Dunbar I was choked for complaining about my moms behaviornvia text message....
Like... teens do... complain about their parents.
Yes! We would be screamed at for an hour over not doing the dishes "the right way" or just the tiniest mistakes that kids are going to make. He was like a child throwing a tantrum.
Holy shit. I know, right? I was almost slammed out of a 2nd storey window for getting bad grades in math.
I was choked because the constant barrage of screaming, shouting, and insults didn't help me learn French, but instead made me cry. So after that my dad called the school and told them I was not capable of learning a language, and they took me off the French lessons for good. I've always been good at languages, but my father wasn't, so I guess this 10 year old was very threatening to him. The same happened with music. I was lucky that after being hospitalized for years of abuse, I met a guy who taught me how to sing and play the guitar, and we gigged for two years straight after that. It's a little sad to think, because for all my life I believed I wasn't capable of anything, to then finally begin slightly realizing that if I would have had a relatively normal, non abusive childhood, I could've done amazing things with my life, and could be more like everyone else. Compared to now, in my early thirties, having to learn every basic little thing in life.
genevieve1713 Wow.
1:00 Appear respectable / good image
2:16 Keep family secrets / speak positively of family
3:26 Child must act like adult / carry parent’s emotional needs
5:50 Mixed messages (I love you but go away)
8:17 Invalid feelings
9:57 Invading boundaries
10:21 Be hyper-vigilant
12:39 Be perfect to be loved
14:19 Not allowed to make mistakes
10:21 has been my whole life.
its so crazy that this has been y whole life
Thank you
Yep all of the above was my life all throughout my childhood. I thought it was normal. Thought they were upset because I was an inherently bad kid, grew up believing I should die.
Josh Forest yeah what the hell? I grew up the same way. They taught me that the world is a dangerous place and I always thought that they were just honestly paranoid. I never connected narcissism into this until now. It makes me so upset. We only get to experience childhood once...I want a do over.
I was labelled as too sensitive, spoiled and ungrateful.
Now I know I was emotional, I was speaking up against the abuse, and I wasn't accepting abusive treatment.
Sensitive, spoiled and ungrateful~ and then when I went through puberty~ I was a slut too 😌 26 and still never had a boyfriend. Thanks mum!
I know what you mean. Same thing with me too. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of those things. 😪
My Narc mom would dump her marriage issues on me when I was like 6 years old... Their lack of compassion and respect for our innocence is one of the many disgusting traits we got to grow up with 🙉
Divine Commerce Absolutely correct. This seems to be a common theme. Children of narcs have to deal with adult issues at a very young age. It’s sick.
This is where my dad differs, he was raised in a strict catholic home along with him 2 brothers and sister, their mother was in catholic school K-12 and is very very religious still. My father still probably thought I didn’t know what sex was for years. He throws fits when conversation of menstruation comes up when he has a wife and 2 daughters both teens. It’s just odd. My mom was raised completely different and everyone would walk around the house in a t-shirt and their underwear. My father gets mad at me for it but my mom has no issue, meanwhile I’m wearing like boxers it’s not like anything’s out. They look like shorts.
Divine Commerce Same with my Narc Dad. He’d dump his marriage issues on me and even go so far as to brag about all the affairs he was having behind my mom’s back, then would be enraged and bawl about how he couldn’t trust me when I’d tell her. 🙄
Same
@@Hjortasmr Soooo yes. I had it from both parents after their final spat (like being in a trash compactor). It does prepare you for the adult world though which is... a good thing I guess, now. But totally dissolves the fun to be had in childhood
"Stop yelling." "IM NOT YELLING *increases volume and agressiveness in tone* T H I S I S Y E L L I N G!!!"
%100
I'M NOT YELLING, IM RAISING MY VOICE! YOU WANT *ME TO FUCKING YELL*
my narc always denies yelling at me. Then points out my yelling when they started yelling first. So fuck them. You can’t ever win... they are right -you are wrong, and they could care less about what you think, what your opinions are. The worst is when they want your help, ask you what you think, and then tell you why you are wrong.... why the f? Did you ask me, since you already have all the answers? So now my answer is short and I don’t know-
I would never have gotten away with telling my mother to stop yelling! She beat extra hard for SASS.
@@audreydoyle5268 you got that so right I could start crying right now
When my parents died I was not upset, just neutral and accepting of the fact. My aunts and uncles couldn't understand why I was so emotionless. I told them that my childhood had been violent and emotionally abusive. They were shocked. They had thought my parents were practically perfect in every way and thought that I was the problem child. And that my parents had bravely and lovingly put up with me! Oh Christ, the injustice is legendary.
I'm probably not going to my mother's funeral. Your situation isn't so uncommon. These soulless cunts were never alive anyway.
@@kristinbrowne8756 Yeah, oh hey thats me to. mothers still using me to collect my SSI income and cry to the police every time I get fed up with her not helping me.
They never deserved to live in the first place
I dont know if my parents were narcs but they are both dead now and I dont realy care despite the fact I took such good care of my mother I just dont feel greif for them, I decided i simply want to enjoy what bit of life I have left instead.
@@kristinbrowne8756 been in the same situation myself. 14 years of that "marriage". I left most of everything. Hid in another town. Not going to lie it was hard. But now....10 years down the track I'm very happy living in a tiny house off the grid..everything I ever wanted. Life is good.
My question to you is.... if you die in 10 years do you really want to spend the last 10 years of your life in the same situation you are now?
21 here, been dealing with a narcissistic mother all my life. Ruined my self confidence and left me with social anxiety. I got tired of being criticized for every single thing. Im moving out and I’m seeking treatment for the anxiety. Anybody else in this situation. Just run and never look back.
Juan Martinez thats the right decision and never feel bad for respecting your own feelings
I was there same age and moved out at 21. It does get better. Now I live four hours from my family at almost 30 and I'm so much more happy. Wishing you all the best.
Cut the pills. Start with meditation.
Run far away . cut them OFF..find your own family of choice. DEFINATELY continue with a good therapist..your self esteem has probably been destroyed..it's what they do..I only wish I'd left and cut off Entire family and friends if my mother who for years saw the abuse and did nothing...they were all mostly in lots of wine and Xanax! LOL..Best Of Luck!!
@@crudivor yes, absolutely..he has now,to learn to trust his own feelings..thus therapy...narc parent (s) try to destroy that.. cognitive dissonance they create- it's confusion...all this shite definitely leads to depression and anxiety..of course Juan developed social anxiety....thank you.
Who laughed at the "when the parent is helping the child with their homework" part? I was like, "oh... parents are supposed to help their children with homework??"
I suspect she doesnt have children
I actually do... I was just joking because I totally identified with the never being helped with homework part
Yeah really. That never happened
Actually, homework in the second grade was the ONE time my Mom stood up for me. I was a good student but that teacher had only taught upper grades. She loaded us down with homework from day one and it was too much. At first, my mom pushed me to tears but after a few weeks and hearing from others really realilzed it was too much at our age. She went to the teacher and explained it and teacher did back off, cutting assignments in half. She was giving us 40 spelling words a night as an example.
I only got helped to shame me or make me feel dumb, like every once In a while I could tell it wasn’t about homework
I'd say a rule that is obvious but was missed is, Never Ever talk back or challenge the perception of the parent(s). That rule was terror in my family.
And when I say talk back I don't mean calling them names or cursing at them, I'm talking about saying "no you are wrong I don't think that." Or "no that's not what I said" It can definitely overlap with the category of suppressing emotions... but I think it goes as step further to breaking down the psyche of a child.
That was the biggest rule in my family when I was growing up as well. Keep your mouth shut and look down like you are ashamed....eventually they will just get bored and quit yelling at you.....until they think of something else to say and barge back into your room with "And another thing!!" which then meant I had to get my face in the properly ashamed look again before they noticed the "wrong look" on my face and REALLY got upset.
That was definitely a rule in my family. Do not challenge grandma's perception of reality. If you saw it differently you were a) lying to suit your own needs, or b) confused about what you saw and needed to be corrected. Then, if you insisted that what you saw really was true, she'd push hard enough to get you angry, and then she'd cry to grandpa about you being angry with her, and THEN you'd get severely disciplined for making grandma cry.
B-side to this greatest hit: "But you can't have depression! I need my happy girl! I can't live in a world where you're not my happy girl!" 🙃🙃
How about just telling them no. Simply no, simplest logical explanation that's undeniable, and no. Holy shit, watch out for mom!!
My parents and I had a few famous arguments. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion at all. If I did, it was an emotional and loud outburst due to the fact that I wasn't being heard, even if I was trying to be reasonable. I'm learning that minimal to no contact works best.
Colleen Baird t
Not to mention we are constantly interrupted and never taken seriously
I am 69 years old and my mother is still a huge problem for me and my sisters. She is so many of the things that are mentioned. We had to do all of the house work and she screamed and yelled at us regularly we were and still are fearful of saying something that will set her off.
Just walk away. Problem solved.
@@karonussery4090 nice
+ you get mocked/laughed at when you try to ask them if they could not interrupt
I wasn't able to stand up to my narcissistic dad until I had my own kids and he treated them the same way as he treated me. My momma bear instincts kicked in and I confronted him.
Yes things get real quickly once u have kids and witness emotional abuse. My parents do not have unsupervised time with my kids due to their actions. My 5yr son spent an hour with my mother and later that day told me he couldn't talk properly and had a speech impediment. (My mum constantly corrects minor speech errors.) It took a week before he told me who said it and another week before he started talking freely again. The crazy part is my parents have got no clue how they behave and have labled me an idiot. So be it no child deserves emotional abuse.
My wife and I are basically ready to start our own family and this is a major concern for me. Her and my parents do not respect boundaries and are very passive aggressive/manipulative. How often do you see your parents with your kids?
Aussie Mick kJ
Well done! I hope this will also help you heal
He used to beat me and once I was strong enough put an end to that none sense by hit him back, the abuse suddenly turned extremely passive-aggressive and psychological, their vindictive nature is legendary.
My mum used to to say “stop sitting there and feeling sorry for yourself” and I was only 10 or 9
Saame lol
Worst thing is that they do it themselves whenever they feel overwhelmed still to this day. Like feel sorry and also justify/victimize themselves instead of taking some responsibility hah
Classic 👌🏼
She was talking to herself. You were simply there existing as an extension of herself.
Oh yes, emotions and sadness are just “self-pity” and apparently you are faking it for attention.
"Children are to be seen, not heard"
But then
"You should know better!"
Am I an adult or a child!? I was expected to be super responsible, but then given no rights. Very conflicting.
Nothing is ever explained, but you're meant to know everything. They're horrible, lazy, cruel, stupid cunts.
talk about mixed messages
This is how my mom was raised and she raised us in the "do as I say not as I do" home.
Thank God I didn't get that. Lively debate was encouraged in my family although I was often told my idea were silly and I'd know better when I got older. I learned to listen and because I did believe my elders knew more than I did, considered what they said and then either stood my ground or agreed. That was actually healthy. As long as we were discussing ideas and not "feelings." It was ok.
That's one of the most frustrating and confusing things. Your parents force you to deal with adult things but then treat you like a little child by giving you no autonomy
On the not being allowed to feel feelings part, I got the good ol' "I'll give you a real reason to cry"
Ditto. It's probably why I feel fear so easily and readily. It was the one emotion that was expected.
yung waifu that single sentence was enough to actually make me cry, still probably is. I was a real cry baby, and as soon as I'd hear that sentence? I'd have a full blown panic attack, bc I knew that meant spankings, and sometimes actual full blown beatings
I hate my dad so much, and my mom for not even trying to defend me, to avoid having the rage pointed towards her
My parents always say that they wish to make my life harder and do awful things to me so I would "be stronger". Every time I feel stressed about school or life, or when they start calling me names belittling everything they've put me through and we get into arguments, it always ends with them saying that I'm too weak. Ha, then my mom tells me I hide my emotions too much, that I need to tell her things. So now, to them, I am perfectly happy and have a perfect life.
I cried ALL the time, it definitely made everything worse, made them madder
Dang. Reminded me how I would be teased for crying or showing anger. My emotions were bottled to the point that I cried whenever upset, causing confusion because anger was all I knew. It made matters worse.
"for someone who is supposed to be highly intelligent you aren't very smart are you" my personal favourite narc quote
Julieanne McCulloch that sounds like my mother.
I learned to find all the loopholes in her rules in the end.
She’s gotten better, but there have been a couple times she’s reverted back to how she used to act, and both times I walked out of her house with only my drivers license and phone and only went back to get my things when my stepdad was home from work.
Thats funny since I've met some really dumb narcs that don't know their ass from their elbow.
@@labaccident2010 They will ALWAYS go back to how they normally act. Narcs have a one track mind and the only word they think about is manipulation.
Josh Forest No, they CAN go back. They can also change, even though it can take years.
@@labaccident2010 you're wasting your time they have no feelings. The part of their brain that allows for empathy and compassion is broken. They can't undue the way they're programmed. Somebody who isn't capable of believing they even have a problem to begin with is doomed to stay the same. I have tried for over 20 years to get along with my narc parents again I repeat you're wasting your time and energy!!!!
"Family loyalty is paramount!"
"Blood is thicker than water!"
"Family is the most important relationship you'll ever have!"
"You can choose your friends but not your family!"
The lies/mantras my narc father uses all the time.
I wonder if gaslighting is actually deliberate in all cases or if it's sometimes the product of delusion. My mother is genuinely convinced that she was a great parent. She's woefully deluded.
singwisevocals Same! My whole family is convinced my parents are great! Well, every now and then I can get my siblings to admit to some things, but my mother doesn't even remember half the things she says and does.
My father is the same way, constantly bragging about how awesome of a father he was. When at 31 I'm still trying to overcome the things he done to me.
Yes. I don't think my mother is consciously trying to change the story. I think she has always had a twisted perception of the kind of parent that she was. Not a single one of her children and adult grandchildren wants to be around her to this day. And yet she believes that her children and grandchildren are the ones with the problems, not her. She doesn't see that she is the common denominator in all these relationships.
She never saw me as 'bad' - I was a big inconvenience to her and could never do anything right in her OCD eyes - but I was the kid who excelled academically, was an elite gymnast, was talented in the arts, very obedient (because she was so abusive and volatile that I was terrified of getting on her bad side), did EVERYTHING around the house (from cooking to laundry to gardening to dusting), paid my own way through university, bought my own first car, etc.. Of the three of her children, I'm the only one who is university educated, in a stable marriage, run my own business, etc.. My mother just thinks that the reason why I don't visit or call is because there's something deficient about me and I don't know how to be a good daughter. But when I visit, she does nothing but spread her negativity, gossip, and pass judgment on everyone around her. No one wants to spend any time with her, and yet she is still convinced that the problems lie with everyone else, and not her. She is truly delusional.
My mother thinks she was great. But the first time she kicked me out I was 11, and she did it to protect her boyfriend, who had been accused by 4 of his daughters and his 2nd stepdaughter of molestation. I had jobs and moved out early and have always been in survival mode. She thinks she's perfect though, and I recently stopped talking to her. I'm done, and life has been much more peaceful.
Narcissistic parents don't allow siblings to strengthen their relationship. This allows them to use one or other while keeping children apart so they never could compare their notes about parents behavior.
Spot on!
I have four brothers and none of us are close, as adults. Whenever I see any of them, it feels more like visiting with a distant cousin.
Wow, I'm not close to my siblings and it makes me so sad. Although I've learned a lot about narcissism in the last couple years, I did not know this is a common thing with a narcissistic parent until now.
@@KeepQuestioning243 They seem to be all the same. They use the divide and conquer technique. They are so paranoid that their children will join forces against them.
I feel this. My younger brother is in his twenties now and thinks I'm the scum of the earth, and won't ever text me back or answer my calls just to say hi once in a while because of all the things he's heard my mom say about me and my personality. She'll drive four hours to see him, RIGHT past my house (2 hours from her), and I'll offer to make them snacks for the road or pop in and say hi to their granddaughter or take them out to lunch or ANYTHING, but they just say 'Oh, we'll be too busy to stop' and drive right by to spend a few days with my brother and his girlfriend, who can do no wrong. (The rest of us siblings have 'failed' her and are trash, in her eyes, no matter what kind of job or how happy we are or how wonderfully we're parenting our children.)
I only hope I don't accidentally do the same kind of damage to my own kid from all the nonsense growing up, as I catch myself so often wanting to say the things she said to me as a child, and having to stop myself because I don't want her to spend years struggling with her self esteem and her life choices like I have had to.
We sometimes get together and just talk about the abusive nonsense we've gone through with her, but it seems I got the worst of it, being the only daughter. It's hard not to keep typing and just list examples of all the things we've had to deal with.
It's also amazing to me that she claims her parents did the same kinds of things to her (Favoring one son, driving right past her house to visit him often but never her, forever disapproving of her husband and children no matter how successful or happy they were), and she talks (and cries) often about how much these things hurt her growing up, but she can't see at all that she does the exact same things to me, and sometimes to my other two brothers. (Never the favorite, though!)
"Don't talk about family business outside of the family" trying to make sure no one knows
Alexandra Classic manipulation guilt-bombing technique 👌🏼
I love sharing how nuts we are
@@littleoceandrop I tell everyone lol. Funny how many people have the same issues
Yes, mostly because pervert dad would be arrested....
My mother would say this, but she wasn't a narc. She just liked her privacy and wasn't a gossip. So not everyone is a narc who says this. It was just a different generation
The thing is, I learned to be someone I am not. I learned to please others, low self esteem, never feeling good enough and I stopped being passionate about life in the end. I had this experienced this, but I am unlearning everything I have learned to fear. It's a 24/7 inside job, things tend to get pushed out to heal. I am really happy I start to experience myself again!!
ChibiClee hi, could you please tell me more about how you are doing this? Your comment is me to a tee and I am now fully aware of the situation, the people my parents were and who they made (/unmade?!) me... I am now ready to begin to heal but don’t know how or where to even begin!
Any help would be MASSIVELY appreciated!
Thank you so so much!! And keep up the great work on your own journey! Welcome back to yourself :D you deserve all the love, happiness and kindness in the world. Why? Just coz.
Love and light 😘🙌✊💖
@@pnizzletelevizzle1456 Hi. I started trauma therapy maybe 6 months ago because of the horrible abuse by both my narcissistic parents. (I'm 55.) It's been painful, but so worthwhile. I'm learning so much about myself and how I became so messed up. I'm beginning to understand and to unlearn things. There is so much and I've been victimized all my life because of my parents' example that I might be in therapy for this for a really long time. It's worth it to get even a bit of freedom! I can't wait for more! Check out Diane Langberg on UA-cam. She's excellent. She has decades of experience in trauma. She is a researcher and a therapist to trauma victims. It will, of course, pop up other vids that will be able to help you as well.
I’m in the same place. I just started the recovery process and look forward to enjoying myself someday.
_The rules_
1. Change reality to make things look respectable
2. Always keep the family secret
3. Always act and be like an adult
4. Parents send mixed messages
5. You're not allowed to feel/express feelings
6. It is okay for people to invade your boundaries
7. Be hypervigilant
8. Parents expect child to be perfect
9. You're not allowed to make mistakes
woof. 😥you just put my parents' laws into print, lauren. i see i'm not alone. 💟
My eyes widened when you mentioned rules 4 and 5. When I was in my 20s I was told "suck it up" or "offer it up" if I called attention to something that wasn't right. Then I said if I don't express myself then I'll get frustrated, the response being "quit being selfish." Basically I was told to communicate, but don't communicate. I went no contact last year and have no regrets.
My theory is that years ago people had kids because they felt an obligation. Most of them should have stayed child free. Not saying you need to be perfect as a parent, but kids are kids and they need to be able to learn and figure things out! Denying them this ability will only be detrimental. Kids might not learn the way you want them to and they are going to make mistakes. When something goes wrong, that's an opportunity to teach them why it went wrong and give them the opportunity to try again.
@@nasheagle81 Can I add a bit to your theory. The first day it was possible to buy a birth control pill in the US was May 9, 1960. I think up until that time, and for some years beyond, children were the result of marriage and not so much a decision. Also, there weren't many options for women, so marriage was pretty much the only choice. Marriage was the only choice and children were an inevitable product of that choice. I'm not dismissing what you said about social pressure (obligation), just adding to it.
Eight out of nine.
This is me, he’s so evil.
Another rule off the top of my head: You're always the reason why something is going wrong. It doesn't matter if it really has nothing to do with you, but if you had just done something else, it would have been better, but no matter what choice you make, it's always the "wrong" choice.
tiff0795 Yes. My husbands mother constantly screamed at him that HE was the reason they were fighting or getting divorced, even accused him of molesting his sister when he told them a neighbor boy was trying to, asked him if he was happy now, this went on for 16 years. She was also a rabid alcoholic.
For my 16 birthday my mom bought me a car, a stick shift. Had to clue how to drive it. After an hour of her teaching me she yelled at me for not being completely comfortable with it in that hour. She sold that car a few days later. We lived an hour from town.
This is typical of my family too!
tiff0795 My mom used to say that to us...now as full grown men living with her. We were never really taught how to apply ourselves to the world. So now she has wished she didn't have to come back to us... Since then, most of my brothers were driven out of the house because of how she raised us and how she was towards us.
Im the perfect puppet...because Im still here.
My mom always has been one to say “stop you’re giving me heartburn.” Like actual heartburn. Lol
I'm 43 years old and a tone will freeze me
Same :/ 🙏 Every day a little better !
There are so many healthy loving people in this world. Please find them and let them in your heart. I wish you well.
Sometimes I can still ‘feel’ a slap on the back of the head or a pinch on the back of the neck when others do ‘wrong’ things
I react very quickly with tone of voice, especially if I pick up on angry or condescending vibrations in their tone of voice. I'm a very empathic so I can pick up on the underlying feelings and energies of others.
Me too! I’m a nervous wreck each day living in fear of upsetting my parents if I make the wrong decision. I’m never kind to myself or treat myself to nice things. Feel like I’m not allowed to be happy.
I’m moving out ASAP. I don’t think I can live at my “home” much longer. A few years and I can be free.
H L no I just wanted to put that. I don’t know anyone with that name. It’s a meme/joke name. Don’t be mad, I’m just expressing my sense of humor.
Find allies outside of the home to help you. Do not let the family know what you are doing until you find a way to safely escape and then go. Do not go back until you are strong enough to withstand their manipulation.
Bre Den K Blake is right. Except do not go back at all. But if you do, always be present with your kids and don't allow disrespectful behavior to come to them.
I tried to find group events or anything (safe) to keep me out of the house. One summer I came home from college my exfather started screaming. I grabbed my stuff and lived with my friend paying rent for the rest of summer. Best decision I ever made
Me.
God, so many people damaged by narcissistic parents. I have been scarred for life by my father too. I have social anxiety, complex PTSD and depression . it has ruled my life. I just want to say love and light to all my fellow sufferers. May we all find some peace!!
Natalie porter one thing i learned with my narcissistic father is to not let tgem ruin your life. don't gove them the power to cause you depression or else. you deserve to live an abundant and happy life, don't give them the power to ruin that for you 💕
Nina Namaste thanks hon. The trouble is that as an adult you can leave but as a child the damage is done. My adult life is getting better as I realize that I am responsible for me and my happiness. It can be hard at times though and I feel for all of us who suffered through it. Have a lovely day!!
Natalie porter yes that's true, still living at home and i still struggle with the trauma but the realization that i have the power to decide who can influence my feeling was a major step for me. you have a lovely day aswell 💕
I understand you completely.
Natalie porter, I eventually let myself grieve my lost childhood. I cannot say I grieved it once and all was resolved. As I experienced milestones like becoming a parent, losing my parents, celebrating events without a parent ever there, I grieved over and over. Somehow as I get older though the grief doesn’t last as long. I embrace and try to comfort my inner child and then am able to move forward. My dad was a narcissist as well as a psychopath. I am grateful for others willing to speak truth. Thank you for the great information. This was my first time finding your site. Prayers for you all as you go through your journey.
children are NOT responsible to keep the unstable parent happy!!!
ugh! brain washing! thank you for the video!!!
Yes! Children are not supposed to keep any parent happy, period. Happiness is something totally individual and relative, you just can't make another person happy you can merely contribute to it at times. Happiness is a personal responsibility. Any parent who expects their child to make them happy is an unconscious person/parent who needs to wake up.
"A child is supposed to be seen, not heard." This used to break my heart.
I wrote out some affirmations to remind myself of for each of the "rules," to help unlearn them. Thought I'd share them incase others find it helpful.
----------------
It's okay to be as you are.
It's okay to share your troubles and faults, and to let people see the real you.
It's okay to feel what you feel, and to share your thoughts and feelings with others.
It's okay to trust others.
It's okay to seek the attention and affection of others, and to form connections.
It's okay to have and to stand up for your own boundaries.
It's okay to be brave and curious, and to try new things!
It's okay to mess up!
It's okay to be imperfect.
You're still loveable.
Wow. This really hit me. Thanks for putting it up. Some of these are hard for me to say! Shows me some good areas to work on. Lots of love
Nicely done. Sometimes we get so caught up in the diagnosis that we forget the prescription. Which is understandable, since it takes a long time to correct the distortions to our reality. Thanks.
W
Brilliant! It is wild that so many of us can read those things and must work so hard to convince ourselves that they are true; they do not resonate as natural, yet for most people these are unbelievably taken for granted! Thank you for sharing!
I am so very thankful that throughout my entire childhood, I simply knew these things were true and that there was something horribly wrong with my mother. These statements were my silent defiance of the system until I got kicked out.
I think something else to add (but maybe isn’t necessarily a rule) is that children of narcissistic parents learn to be very cautious around the house. You learn to draw as little attention to yourself as possible. I can walk through the house like a freaking ninja, which I only recently discovered other people aren’t that skilled at.
And my God that homework situation. My step dad used force me to let him study with me, and then yell at me for an hour, not understanding why I didn’t just understand the material. How am I supposed to understand something I don’t know??? That’s WHY I’m studying! And then I would cry, and then I would get yelled at for crying. Horrible situation.
I didn't realize how true was that until last year, when a friend of my now fiancé pointed it out while we were out at the mall. He struggle every time to find me whenever he wanted to say something to me.
Gods, I feel you. I knew where every creaky board was, and felt like my world was going to shatter when I found a new one. It took me a long time to realize and admit my childhood was awful, and it wasn't until around 30 I finally broke off from those horrible people. Sadly, my blood brother is basically a clone of them, but less subtle. It's his choice to live like that, and I am no part of it, nor will I ever be. Sometimes crappy people have kids, that doesn't magically make us kids "have to love them because they are faaaamily." And that is one of the biggest things so many people around me have never understood.
bod.jpg this situation I can resonate with but this is like the only thing, my parents are great parents
bod.jpg this is the only situation I resonate with, my parents are great otherwise I just don't want them to yell at me for things that aren't my fault sometimes.
of course sometimes I do something bad but like, it's not always my fault!
A lot of the time I'm able to come home and get into my room and be in there for 5+ hours without anyone even knowing I'm there because I've become so accustomed to not making noise or, like you said, drawing attention to myself.
Rule # 5 hit close to home for me....
When I was 12 and my sister was 14, my mother punched my sister in the face in front of me because she accidentally broke her mp3 player and, when my sisters nose began to bleed I got her some toilet paper and I was crying while I handed her the paper because, I love her, and it hurt to see her in that state and then... my mother came up to me and slapped the paper out of my hand and slapped me across the face. She screamed, "don't help her! She doesn't deserve it!"
I still to this day cannot believe I thought that kind of behavior was normal and not abuse. But...now that I'm aware of it...at least the generational cycle of abuse can end with me. :)
Faith Perez I’m sorry to hear about what you went through... I totally relate to your case. In my case, I had the Nmother smoking in the house while knowing perfectly that I had breathing problems and I ended up coughing for a while because my lungs were burning from her doing it, and instead of apologizing or being concerned she shut the blinds down and shouted at me calling me an ‘attention seeker’ because it’d call the attention of the neighbors. Now that I think about it I just wish I had said ‘ oh, it will? Great! Now they’ll see the awful person that you are!!’
I love You for this You have wrote here Faith, You are changin a world, to better. Thank You for beeing You.. @}~
i'm so sorry. i grew up with similar, most notably with the birth of my youngest brother. it's likely what i'm most traumatised by, i couldn't stand seeing him suffer but they revelled in it
The saddest part is that the narricistic parent was horribly abused as a child as well😔spread the love and we will all heal
@@kimwalker8738 Then how come they are able to treat one child so better than the other? If they don't know to parent, shouldn't they treat all kids the same horrible way. How they are able to pick one child out and treat that child like king is so beyond me.
It’s like I’m reliving my childhood. I removed myself from my parents’ home at 18 and haven’t spoken to them since. Everybody wonders why and I’ve always had a very hard time expressing myself because (1) my parents’ manipulation ran so deep, (2) I’m not used to expressing my feelings, and (3) I don’t know what ‘normal’ parenting is to compare my parents’ behavior to. As a result, family and friends assume I don’t have a good reason to be estranged from my parents and have told me it’s my responsibility to fix the situation. Thanks for sharing. Hopefully now I can effectively communicate to people that my parents are narcissists.
Aww Amber that is so sad. Find your voice. YOU are your own best advocate. Help people understand what they aren't getting about the split between you and your parents..and only choose caring, honest people as your friends :)
Girl I feel you. I “ran away” at 19, and struggle with all these things. Hold strong! Praying for you.
Everybody kept telling me "honor your mother and father." My mom told me to come and get my stuff out of her house. I brought my friend, a pastor, to help me. She saw in a nanosecond what my mom was like and understood. Due to this I was finally able to stand up to people. Almost nobody understood my "normal."
Jan Z. “Honor your mother and father” has been the hardest thing for me to understand as a Christian. But I’ve come to realize, Honoring doesn’t mean allowing them to hurt you. I honor them by respecting their roles as my parents but that doesn’t mean they deserve any place in my life. And it will not stop me from sharing my testimony. My dad is Narcissistic/Psychopathic, and mom is Narcissistic. Oodles of fun....
I no longer see either of my parents. I still love them, even though I know they’ve never loved me.
I think, you don't even have to explain anything to anybody. 🙂
I made the huge mistake of counting on my narcissistic parents for help. At 32 I’m moving, broken up with my girlfriend of 17 years who’s taking our 8 yr old son with her temporarily and recovering financially and physically from a neck injury. I needed a place to stay for a few months and have several jobs in the works. My parents where totally ok with me staying there. After about a week of being there I knew it wasn’t going to work. My dad wouldn’t let me cook. My mom only talks about her injuries. My son is expected to have the manners of an adult. I could feel the death stares on my back when looking in the pantry for food I bought. But finally during Christmas Day dinner, my dad lost it on my son for saying he needed gravy ( which he was getting up to get himself) the whole manners thing came into play. He was so verbally abusive to my son, I had to step in. When I spoke up all the sudden he wanted to fight, told me to go To go to a homeless shelter blah blah blah. Pretty much the worst things you could say. My mom did nothing to stand up for me. Only defended my dad. Suddenly I realized that I was so stupid for thinking that they could change. Like when they made up a story about me and had me arrested and sent to juvenile hall at 15 so they could go on a cruise.lol. Which was one of the times my sheriffs deputy mother pulled that kind of card. Finally at 32 I’m realizing that all of the abuse, all of the ways I feel to this day, all of the problems I couldn’t handle growing up are not my fault. I left that that morning with my son and a few possessions and I am never looking back. Like my son said to me the next day “ you don’t deserve to be treated like that”. Which is so true. We are not anyone’s emotional punching bags. Even though we want to be loved by our parents we just can’t fall for it. This was such a great video. Well done, it helped me a lot. And if you read this entire post thanks also!lol. Happy New Years! To a year of never looking back!
Well written. I had a very similar Xmas experience. I was yelled at and told awful things during Christmas lunch last year (for something ridiculous also) and I have not gone back . Happy New Years!
Be strong. Glad you're out of it. Sending you and your little one the best of wishes and blessings. It's not easy, you're not alone in this.
Ryan Macaulay
That is one helluva sad story. I am keeping a good thought for you and your son to find healing. Find a support group if you can't afford therapy. You are the chance to break the sickness with your son.
Together, you can move forward with love.
sending big hugs to you and your son
I'm going through the same thing. Finally divorcing my narcissist husband and we're rotating who stays in the home with the kids until he sorts out a house. So..on the weekends I live with my parents. I'm still trying to figure out who is the narcissict, if one of them is codependent? I've repressed so much. But I do know I can't live with my parents long, they're still the same.
it’s strange that most people aren’t raised like this... i thought for 16 years that it was normal and literally went through the whole video crying and nodding my head
Delaney cozyTeacups I know what you’re talking about - after 15 years, I finally, discovered that I have deep marks because of it. I couldn’t sleep when I was at my one parents house - I thought I would be stressed or something but it never came to my mind that it’s just the feeling of not being safe around/with my parent.
Yes. You feel robbed when you find out not all parents are mindfucked
Of course, the narcs have made you so difficult that you're not likely to meet any normal parents or have them want you around. And you're so sure it's you.
I thought I was the only one who had crazy parents. Now I know I'm not alone. I grew up in a neighborhood that had kids and nice families that modeled how normal people live. So I knew there was something terribly wrong with my family and tried to distance myself from it. I would play over other kids homes to get away from the abuse and craziness. Many years later the pain is with me and I too cry watching these informational videos and reading other victims comments. But thank God we have UA-cam and these educators informing us. It's helping me heal so much.
After 54 years thinking this behaviour was normal , i still can´t believe, how good their lies worked.
Relate soooo much! But my mom did all the chores, which was her way of making herself indispensable and others be dependent on her. I was her prisoner from the day it cracked between her and dad. She turned me against him, made me her therapist and made sure I couldn’t handle adult life without her. Not a lot of people talk about narcs making people dependent on them.
Alicja Frank wowwwwww I had the same experience. During my parents divorce my mom shared way too much with me and as an empath of course I just kept giving and giving... My mom never properly taught me how to cook or clean, if I tried she’d just criticize and take over. As an adult she kept me dependent on her, I tried moving out several times and she convinced me not to. She tried to get my wife and I to buy a house with her. Then one day I confronted her mistreatment of me and the narcissistic rage came out: she kicked us out even though we’d been paying rent, my wife was on crutches and we had a dog, she said we could live in our cars. That was January of last year. Been no contact since, she controlled me almost my entire 20s. I was so desperate for her love I kept falling for her act that she’d changed. The mask finally slipped for good and now I’m processing all that happened without her mind control or gaslighting.
So true. My ex-mother spent more time cleaning than she did with her children
My mother KEEPS Trying to make me financially dependent on her, one of the best lessons I ever learned was to never be financially dependent, or have ANY kind dependency, to anyone but yourself.
My mother has tried so hard that she convinced me to let her pay for some dental work, but instead had my whole upper jaw pulled, stole my life savings, and left the country for 9mo so that I COULDNT save myself hoping I would starve to death and she could get sympathy for that after the satisfaction of my begging and fighting with her for the duration. Since that, I've never had an iota of emotion or pity for her... what are you supposed to feel for your mother after tried to kill you in one of the most horriffic ways a human can suffer. She clearly failed, as she does with everything else she does, but she expects me to "stop holding a grudge".... ha..... shes less than insignificant, she's lucky to still be alive...... and yet she still tries to sabotage me, and can't understand why it doesn't work...... 40+ years of the same pattern, and the same failures, definitely broken.
Yes, this is my situation as well. 100% dependent on her as a young adult, and when I would ask her how to do something she would totally disengage, blank eyes and say “I don’t know” and if I asked her again she’d get angry that I’m bothering her and it’s my responsibility to figure it out if I really wanna do it (like how do I fill out tax forms, she wanted me to quit my job and just let her do everything for me). And whenever I’d learn to do something (like cook, once I moved out) she always makes snide comments like “wow look at you cooking, you’re so grown up” (I’m in my 30s…) with this sarcastic voice. And if I mention that I taught myself she’ll immediately go into a rant about how hard her life is. And whenever I “give up” on something and ask for her to help me she gets soooo happy and relieved and is the nicest person ever. So I always felt (still feel) extremely uncomfortable and guilty for my successes.
ALSO...
- Same rules as apply to scapegoat don't apply to narc. Thus _"Do as I say, not as I do."_
-What's yours is mine. What's mine is mine.
- NEVER be right over the narc. To do so is punishable.
- EVERYTHING's YOUR FAULT ALWAYS. Black is white. White is black. Up is down. 2+2=3...today. Might be 5 tomorrow...it's as narc says..point: narcs mess with perception of reality. Commonality~ the narc & narc enablers always conclude ...no matter the topic: _You_ Are Always At Fault.
There's no right answer.
- you're never good enough.
-what neighbprs think trumps anything.
Thank you for clarification, narcs alter reality and the real truth for others, basically creating a world of their own with no real foundations of reality, truth or substance to stand on except disfunction to continue the narcs behaviour.
"you dont have any privacy because your just a child " as well
Narc is never consistent , thats why they suck at life, whatever things they do turns to garbage, even their music sucks and sounds fake just like them.
Did you meet my mother? How did you know it?
Oh my god!!!!! All of them but "Do as I say not as I do" ruled my life. Still does.
Maybe you should mention that victims of narcissistic abuse find it hard to explain what is happening to them. That piece of information changed my life actually
docmart71 did you find any other info on this
Yeah that's one of the worst things, because the abuser is so random, and does everything in a manner where they belittle everything they do to the point where you begin questioning your own sanity. And they have defeated you so many times the destruction seems impossible to even defend yourself against.
Lawrence H I think I’m on a relationship with a narcissist but he says Narcissism is made up by victim seekers to assign responsibility to anyone but themselves
I think in general, if a person makes you feel bad instead of good, then it doesn't matter what the case is, you need to stop seeing that person. After that, you can start thinking why this was so.
None of us are perfect, but maybe none of it is your fault and you are with an abusive person. You're here seeking answers and that's something a person who doesn't care about others wouldn't do.
Think about other people you know, maybe sometimes you are less than perfect, but even if so others might not make you feel as bad as he does. We can get hurt, and we can sometimes hurt others slightly by accident, but if you constantly run into painful problems with the same person then something is wrong. I'm sure there are people you know who don't make you feel bad, right?
For me personally, I know that sometimes people can make me feel bad without them being bad people, it's just my history with abuse etc. In these situations, these nice people can understand my predicament. For example, I just broke up, and it went fine, and it was mostly because of my traumas that hurt us, but I knew it had to end because the relationship made me feel horrible. She understood and I told her it wasn't her fault, after I thought about it a lot to be sure I was right. She did things that made me feel horrible, but for someone else these things might not be bad at all. So in any case, I needed to think of the hurt I was going through, and how much this other person understood me, and wanted to help, and didn't judge or insult me. I know I want to understand and help, so it's not too much to ask that in return from the person I'm with. Sadly we still broke up, but I knew it had to be done, because I was hurting.
Narcissism isn't made up, so he's already wrong about that. You can quote research done by professional psychologists who have expertise on the issue and have done years of studies on the subject, and that matters a whole lot more than an opinion. If he still thinks that he knows better than they do, then I would guess you are more correct than he is, that maybe he does think too much of himself, and maybe you are not wrong in feeling bad. Heck you being here tells me that you would be interested in more knowledge and that you want to do the right thing. Also, us older victims know very well what people like that can be, so there's us as well, many of us successful people who have gotten through the abuse.
I can't really tell you what to do, but if you feel scared, disrespected, or intimidated in a relationship, then maybe you need to stop and think if that's what you want. There is so much more in a relationship than that, and it's possible to get it if you look. Sometimes in a long relationship you forget who you are. Maybe take some time and think if this relationship is taking too much out of you, no matter whose to blame for anything. Whether he is wrong or not is irrelevant, you can think whether he is the kind of person you want to be with, and who you deserve. If you care for other people, you should be with someone who also cares about you.
I mean, if you think about what he said, basically he is saying, that if he is being abusive, it's your job to leave, right? If you can leave an abusive situation, you really should do it if you can.
Lawrence H he wanted a baby so I gave him one he asked me to quit my job because he didn’t feel comfortable with me working I did so which is stupid. He had money and promised to take care of me so I was comfortable with it soon things started changing he started seeing escorts and his reasoning was my body which is odd because I bounced back fast he makes subtle remarks that are hurtful but I don’t think about it at the time never acknowledges positive things just the negative I feel like I have no back bone anymore like I am helpless isolated me from friends and family and now is calling me codependent because he asked me to quit working just to make to make me dependent on him and so he can make me feel like a loser I have 2 babies with him he threatens to kick me out I have no money he destroyed my car with some chemical it won’t work so I can’t get a job and can’t leave I’m at loss and somehow I feel like I have no options I doubt myself and something makes me believe I deserve it
A few months ago, I stood up to my narcissistic mother and I told her how she made me feel when she did some really messed up things. She completely denied all of it and said that none of it ever happened. I used to clean the entire house every week, I was supposed to take care of my siblings. Not like babysitting. Getting them up for school, feeding them, making sure their homework is done, bathing them etc. I completely thought this was normal growing up but now that I'm older, and dealing with my bipolar disorder, anxiety, and PTSD. Thank you for posting this.
Taylor Schmidt We literally mirror eachother. I was basically ignored by my mom until I got to the old enough age to take care of my brothers. I would cook, clean, and watch after them all the time. She went out all the time, did drugs, never showed me affection.
Because they are disconnected from their own feelings.
💜💜💜
They deny it always- it doesn’t matter that you waited as an adult- my child isn’t in double digits yet, and knows his father is a liar. He told him in front of me he didn’t believe something would be the way father said- well, I already knew he lied(before I knew what he was) and he knows I know as one day I recorded him then later played back his lie- so he lost it yelling how dare our child call him a liar(he didn’t And he is a proven liar) and I wish I could have a camera follow my child for a week 24/7 - maybe then the courts would see the damage being done by supposed ppl who are supposed to protect - not bully - it’s so sad and all I can do is show the unconditional love a mom has(me anyway) for her child- be loving, understanding, and evidence that there is another way - and I love big-
My mom would sit and read while I cleaned her bedroom and cooked dinner. I wasn't allowed to have feelings.
Do they criticize other people to the child? Gossiping and putting others down.
Mine did
yes.
Yes and made me paranoid because of it
Yes mine did ....always.... and I thought they were jealous of the other party
I didn't suffer from it but observed others (children) experiencing that - so the answer is yes.
Kids of narcissists learn that they should ONLY trust the parents, cuz “the parents are all they need and no one else.”
That rule of "you have to take care of us, your a mere servant, the world literally revolves around me, never bring up anything that's not about me" is a big rule. You can't really talk, you basically have to raise yourself.
very accurate
Very true. When I was in my mid 30s my mother was visiting me. I casually mentioned over dinner one night that I never had a childhood. She acted very shocked. It was almost laughable. I was an adult by the time I hit first grade in many ways.
Yep.
BINGO
I used to sing "it's good to be a slave" without consciously knowing why.
Listening to this, I've realized my entire childhood I was raised like this.... It explains my anxiety and depression, and it also explains why my emotions feel unnatural. thank you for posting this.
"you make me feel sick!" how many have heard this one!
Fuck them ,
Im so adapted to them once i knew im dealing with something smells negetive fishy , read about stoicism
It got to the point when my what we call socially father speaks , i practice self talk to dis believe him
It got to the point my self esteem is way high bc i just knew its not my fault and saw how others dont know me react to me and my actions really positievly
I knew everything , why i was stressed for " nothing " , i loved myself even more bc i see how adapted positively, and i was thinnking lately i need to get myself in order to help my family more and more
I could imagine how narcissism in black community would be
Many things i learnt , is whatever they say about you is actually in them
They never were hardworkers and warriors, i thought my father was like that , turned out he is lazy selfish bitch who wants me to go crazy over silly things and be disciplined
I cant tell how much i learnt
I can tell you what you need to adapt positively
If you want to survive or even turn the table up side down you have long ride
Your weapon is being alone , you need diversity in everything
Yep, all the time. My mother used to say that and literally would go to bed pretending to be sick because of me.
that literally gave me chills. i don't hear that one as often as my brother does, but damn, it still gets me
You make me sick, always feeling sorry for yourself. After getting yelled at for nothing
You’re too sensitive!!! Needless to say, I am nothing like my mom.
I heard this constantly. Can relate totally.
I hear this all the time. Children of narcissists are either unemotional or over emotional and I am the last one.
Well in the name of Jesus I speak blessings and peace over you.
What this means is... "I have no true genuine empathy, what you are displaying offends me. Because I am not capable of loving, I must make you feel the same. Your sensitivity is a foreign language to me. I do not understand it. Therefore it must be bad.
I can not acquire it in genuine form myself, therefore I must destroy it. You having this superpower over me threatens and intimidates me. It must be stopped to ensure my control is exerted over you."
That's what she really means.
When you are around a Narcissist parent you have no privacy No voice you are there for thier usage and to do what they need you to do.Dealing with you as. a individual is not how they treat you.So very damaging.These people. Should never have children!
Yes but if they didn't we wouldn't be alive. We can help parents realize their flaws but we can't be ungrateful for our own lives. A balanced viewpoint is essential.
@@SilverShadow02 Mommie Dearest... watch the movie. It's spot on.
Just existing to try and make them happy which they will never be. Now after her death trying to make sense of the farse that was my childhood. All siblings severely damaged.
@Don X "moved like a friggen cat"...Lol. I can relate. Seems they made utmost use of the "element of surprise". As if it was a war.
@Don X Yep. I'm all to familiar with the N's need for us to suffer, with their refusal to admit the smallest imperfection, and with the truth of "Mommie Dearest". I grew up hearing what a terrible movie it was. A pre-emptive strike on the N's part. Must have struck a Big nerve in her.
My dad was a sociopath and my mom is a narcissist and they had their own weird codependent dynamic. I'm just now at 40 starting my journey to find healing and self love. Thanks for empowering information .
Candi Startzman Candi Startzman I’m sorry to ask this, and I totally understand if you don’t feel comfortable answering, but you said your dad “was” and your mom “is” and that you are only now beginning your journey. Once again, I’m sorry for being so interrogative about a personal thing, but may I ask if your parents are still living? I’m asking because I have a deep inner conflict regarding my own narcissistic parents death. I feel like I will only be able to recover after they are out of my life, which is sad to think about but is true.
My dad died of lung cancer in 2004 and I had to cut my mom out of my life except for large family gatherings. Cutting her out has actually somewhat changed her behavior, so my sister says. I have found an amazingly personable counselor and started EMDR therapy for the mental and physical abuse. For the first time in my whole life, I like who I am. I still struggle with guilt and perfectionism but I'm no longer in hell. I wish you love and wellness in your journey.
Candi Startzman thanks a lot for your reply, it provided me with useful insight.
All the best to you as well!
Same now i have bpd and dont know what i want or want in life or even who i really am... And in a codependent relationship with a narcissist.... Im in therapy and getting better
Good luck, it's always better late than never.
Oh my goodness! I thought that I might have been raised by a narcissist and now I know I was. Every rule you stated I had to follow as a child. I still have problems connecting with my emotions and I am 56! Being raised in that environment you have no idea what is healthy and what is not. I am still trying to figure that out. Thank you so much for this video.
Absolutely right. My experience exactly and same age. It has taken me my entire adult life to try to figure out what is "normal" and healthy and what isn't. My parents programmed me to believe that all the conflict in the household was my fault (not logical but as a child you accept it) and I will probably never be free of the ptsd but have to find ways of living creatively with the legacy of damage. I wish you health and happiness.
@@xenajade6264 that makes three of us
This is exactly how I grew up! Emotions were not allowed.
Criticism, a child of a narcissist or emotional abusive parents is not allowed to be critical of the parent’s action. Which is quite confusing because the parents are constantly critical of the child’s action. I remember being severely punished and shunned by my mother for almost a week (as a teenager) because I dared bring up a flaw in her treatment of me.
Julie Estes same. Even now I do bring their flaws up, but I know I will be punished
Omg yesssssss thank you for articulating this. I couldn't quite put words to it.
Not to drag in religion, but this does sound like how god is described in the bible... Reading it these days it seems like a very abusive relationship.
I remember similar things
Absolutely! That's exactly how my narcissistic mother was. She couldn't take any criticism of her, but she dished out constant criticism to her children and husband.
I see so many people 30+ saying that they just realized or just got out of their bad families. I am thankful that I am getting out soon at the age of 18. Stay strong everyone!
Miracle Josaiah Thanks you too 😍
Dear Miracle, I got out at 18. I knew all my childhood that it wasn’t correct. But life can come around and bite you in the arse.
So, don’t think it’s over. Be prepared.
I'm 16 and hopefully I can get out by the time I'm a legal adult 😞😆 thank you for the support! Hope you heal from your situation!
I have been traped for 38 year's by family physical mental emotional abuse
My wife is helping me with it all
@@shaunrice4653 you can do this Shaun! 💛👊
My mom would use “helping with homework” as an excuse to prove how much smarter she was than me and ended up SCREAMING at me because I couldn’t solve the problem after she finally got too frustrated with my failure... she is an undercover narcissist! She would always be indirect or give me backhanded compliments until she ended up screaming at me how I’d “never amount to anything” because I stopped reacting to her insults. Just smiled and nodded my way to the age of 18 then I was outta there!
You are NEVER good enough in their eyes!
Taken me a LONG time to realize that!
Happened to me too! Learning how to tell time was such a nerve-racking experience... maybe that's why I became a teacher...
My stepfather. Ik this feeling.
@@error60091 Oh Kevin, I still have trouble with old fashioned clocks. This after a mother and sister grilling session. I thought I was the only one.
My dad yelled and screamed if i did have problems with math and didnt understand this was starting early. He could hit me too.
"You can't feel sad. You are always happy"
You can't have any needs, wants, or desires, and you can have no problems, yet there is something so deeply wrong with you that your parents are repulsed by you.
BendyBus Song Hitting close to home.
Higher vibration. That's what they sense. It's evil.
Sounds awfully familiar... :-(
You mention that a child has to be perfect, (as a reflection of the family) in my father's house the quickest way to get rejected was to show him up; to be smarter than him or do something better than him. We're supposed to be perfect, but not as perfect as the narcissist.
haha exactly!!
True. Sigh.
yep.
Telling my parents that they’re wrong about something is literally asking for my death, it sucks so much.
Damn you're supposed to want your kids to be better than you. You should want your children to teach you when they grow.
All of you have my heart felt sympathy. I'm 64 years old and run the gammet of most of the things talked about here. It does get better if you work at it. I finally am at the point where I can accept my self, warts and all. Friends help and can be trusted to keep me steady. God bless all of you.
Yes it is a hell that is hard to crawl out of
Make sure you have no needs. Have the appropriate look on yourself for each situation.
@H L ?????
@H L she was staying a point.....narc parents don't want you to express needs
@-- Lol I think you need to improve your reading comprehension
OH my, I remember trying so hard to make my facial expression blank so that maybe I wouldn't get hit.
i always thought that this was how a normal family was like
ouch
RubesGoRawwr ha! Right.
xrubeexms me too lol
these things are all things that normal parents do sometimes when they are tired or busy. But if its all the time then that is the problem,
I was always told "Children are seen and not heard". Basically, I was told off when ever I was upset and had a tantrum over my mums anger when I was little
To this day I’m told that I have no rights as a child (I’m 17) and I have no say or presence in the world. My father always talks about us like we’re slaves and how because we are still teens or kids we don’t know what we’re saying and we’re dumb. My mother will use the “I love you but I don’t like you” comment whenever she’s mad and says similar things to my father. It’s very sad.
Haleigh W the “you’re not an adult so your opinion doesn’t count” thing happened to me too. But it won’t change - I could be 38 but I still don’t have a right because she’s my mother and owns me. I’m hope you getting through this as fast as possible xx
Joe Roscoe I know. But what’s really important is that you’ll try to treat yourself with the respect you deserve - respect your needs, thoughts etc... You got this. I’m still very young but thankful I did move to my farther.
oleophotos h
"children and fish are forbidden to speak"
yeah, its a saying in poland.
My narcissistic dads motto: "you better do well (but dont do better than me)".
My parents didn't make me put on a facade at home per se, they just kept people from coming over and didn't let me go anywhere- so people only saw me at school and could never see anything was wrong because they didn't know my personal life.
Are you me😢??
Same
If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody gonna be happy 😒 and boy she made sure of that.
Jessica Hill
Oh boy you nailed it...and the list goes on!....;"
Jessica Hill ughhh all we can hope is that we can be better moms for our children
“Do as I say, not as I do” mentality. I didn’t know that wasn’t normal until I got older. And yes if mommas not happy it’s world war 3!
This is why i dont want kids
Im afraid ill make mistakes like these tbh
Yes
Whose heard, “I don’t need you, YOU need me.”
Camille 😳😐ouch. Yessss . Fuck. Triggered. No wonder I go around acting like I need NO ONE.
Yep. My sister says that to me all the time. And I just giggle inside because I know that's totally backwards..... and she proves it every time because within the matter of two days she is coming to me for something
Oh god. So many times. I have anxiety just readig it.
I had a baby when I was 16, my parents would always tell me "We don't want you we want your son." and in later years they tell me they dont to hear from me or about me, I make them sick etc because I finally started standing up for myself which they call "being disrespectful". I was an overly quiet child, never talked, always did what I was told no matter how I felt. That's what they still expect and why they hate me.
ALOT
I recently had a revelation in that in my family, everyone existed to take care of one of my parents. There was never any question about that and there was little reciprocity. We existed solely to be of service to that parent. It's still that way and I stopped playing after years of struggle with it. That's put me outside the circle because everyone else is still part of the dance and I betrayed them. It's sick and I am glad to be done with that. At the same time, the price tag is kind of painful.
Also, only one person was allowed to emote in our home. Rage, mean-ness, and tears were the sole property of the one with all the power. It was awful but I got away as soon as I was able and never returned there except for brief visits.
Yes, you did the best possible thing by escaping and not going back. Don't let anyone guilt you into backing down, either. You saved your valuable understanding and did not become like her and pass on the misery to your children. Way to go!!!!
I still have problems in adulthood due to the abuse.
You're not alone, many of us are in the same boat
I found myself wanting the list enumerated, so here's my best attempt to summarize the list in the video:
Rules internalized by children raised by Narcissists:
(Repeating themes include gaslighting, mixed messages, revisionist history, isolation strategies, and verbal abuse, prompting hypervigilance, repression, insecurity, etc.)
1: Change reality to make things look respectable.
2: Always keep the family secrets.
3: Children should act like adults.
A: Leaning on the child emotionally for validation and support.
B: Giving the child inappropriate household obligations for their age and ability level.
4: Mixed messages are inevitable, and mean it's safer to avoid your loved ones, and not expect too much from relationships.
A: Trust is a bad idea.
B: Self-negating people-pleasing behavior is necessary to recieve love.
5: It's not okay to express your feelings, especially "bad" ones like anger or pain.
6: It's okay or inevitable that people will invade your space, especially if they love you.
7: Constant Vigilance! Other people can't be trusted. The world is a dangerous place and you mustn't risk anything, because you're bound to fail.
8: If you aren't perfect, you aren't loveable.
9: You must not make mistakes. Appearance and reputation matter more than reality.
This is excellent! And sadly, my childhood fits every point, as many others on here.
There ìs also another not mentìoned here: don't cherìsh thìngs or have accomplìshments cause you wìll be made guìlty of enjoyìng yourself or ìt wìll be taken away shortly after.
Master Queen Aha! Yes, I missed that, sorry.
Ember Leo thank you
lol my whole childhood was basically this list
Why so many dislikes? I assume these are from narcissistic parents who are keen to avoid having a mirror held up to themselves? This lady is clearly knowledgeable and free information like this can absolutely serve as a lifeline to people who have been affected by narcissism within their family situation. Perhaps you are viewing this and are recognising your own narcissistic personality traits? I urge you to find the strength within yourself to seek help. It's highly likely that you have suffered at some point in your life. Feelings are mentionable and manageable.
I think it might be because there are lots of unhealthy family dynamics besides narcissistic parents that can express themselves in the same way. Narcissists cannot be cured of their narcissism. A parent that is abusing substances or depressed can express many of the same traits. People quit abusing substances and heal from depression, can become better parents. Narcissists never do.
Juliaoceania www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201410/6-keys-narcissists-change-toward-the-higher-self
SoBayk80, there are different types of narcissism. There are also people who have lots of narcissistic traits but aren't disordered by it. I have a couple of family members that have lots of narcissistic traits. My sister has a boat load of narcissistic traits, but I wouldn't call her a narcissist in the disordered way. She definitely isn't a malignant narcissist.
@@2cleverbyhalf Professionals know narcissists have conscience, but it's overridden by shame. Anyone w the guts to tackle shame can change. Sorry about your tough family. 🙁 In my family, me getting therapy and stopping The Shame Game changed my dynamic, which changed how they relate to me. 5 years later, my Mom, on a breakthrough, cried that she did to me what her mother did to her. Have patience and change what you can . . . Yourself.
Yeah my mother is depressed and anxious... she gets INCREDIBLY defensive when I give her any feedback and takes it as assault
Not as, this helps us understand our family better
This is my mother, my childhood makes such sense now. Cant believe how the same rules apply no matter where in the world one grows up. But this does explain my mother to the T!
The narc personality disorder seems to be the same everywhere. It's like a programme or something. Like a virulent virus in the software. I wonder if it will ever be properly understood...
My mother was narcissistic; I'm a new mother and trying very hard to remember all of these and do the opposite.
Praying for you
Go to therapy. You don't want these patterns to perpetuate
I just felt my heart sink further and further as I was watching this...I love my parents a lot but this exactly describes and mirrors the way that my family operates.
Same. :(
another thing it does to you is it makes it very hard to be able to ASK FOR HELP if you need help , of any kind. We get so ingrained in the role of taking care of the parents and watching their needs and moods and always trying to avert disaster or protect younger siblings etc ., that we do not even know how to reach out for help when we need it and it's hard to comfortably accept help. Being responsible for too much, at too young of an age, we become caretakers - whether that is our nature or not. We find self value via what we can do for others. We had to be smarter, stronger than our parents too frequently , but once we get out in the real world we do not even know what a healthy loving relationship is because we never had it.
Absolutely Kathy! Thanks for sharing! This abuse leads to people pleaser syndrome and also primes us for further abusive relationships unfortunately.
Sadly true.
I'm tired of being the parent.
I'm nearly 28 years old and I'm exhausted by this. :'(
+Summah Vegan Yogi Get away from anyone who does not love and value you.If you can see that your family's love is toxic, controlling, unnurturing and it hurts you far more than it makes you feel secure, supported and cared for then it is time to get on with your own life and get away. You still get to decide what your life is going to be , now that you are an adult. You get to decide if they get to keep abusing you, daily. You can still love your parents, and see them sometimes but the first step is accepting that they are not going to ever even know how to love you in a healthy way. Then get counseling for yourself and find someone you are truly comfortable talking to and stick with it for at least a year of visits, This can be a professional but if you can't arrange that, a trusted confidant whom you value their intelligence, compassion and stability and you can perhaps learn from them. You will want to try to learn whatever it is in the way of healthy relationships that you have not been taught or had as examples and to get your feelings out of you to minimize the damage they may have done to you, going forward, so you can avoid some of the problems not being nurtured enough as a child can cause (such as picking a mate who is very much like your parents or parent and the unhealthy way they related to you -which sadly they often got from their parents.)
Kathy Hussey Thank you for your kindness and concern.
I've noticed that many of us who have experienced such abuse are often kinder, more empathetic and compassionate that those who haven't.
I've been in and out of therapy for years now and it's helped me tremendously. DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) has saved my life and helped me with emotional regulation.
My father is no longer physically violent but he's still never going to be supportive and I don't think that I would trusy him even IF he tried to be. My mother, who I qas closer too, despite being an alcoholic enabler, recently died and so I've felt like I have to be around the family home to help with dealing with everything that comes with this. But once that is all done, I've told my father that of he isn't at least able to be respectful towards me and behave like a decent person then I will cut contact with him when everything has been dealt with.
good for you in all respects ! I'm so sorry your mother has died. Both my parents were very dysfunctional growing up around but it still was a very hard thing to lose them each.
"What goes on in this house stays in this house" my mother always told me that and now my husband of 10 years tells me the same thing...
Be curious, ask what cant you tell others about, if it is something you reallyneed to speak with others about, then do! This is wrong. Stand up. Be strong..move on if you must
Leave NOW, or never ever have kids. They will grow up into the same abuse you've experienced.
Please break the cycle.
Right, thats the only way the narc can cover their own arses,got this work supervisor practising the same thing, "What happens in our shift , stays in our shift!".
Ooooops
Leeeeaaaaaave. Or have u left yet? Maybr u dealt with it, whatsup?
Thank you so much for explaining these rules, this was very helpful. I want to add a few more if that's okay, from my own experience of 2 narcissistic parents:
1. You must stand and 'take' the abuse. You cannot answer back, disagree or basically show any emotion, you're just supposed to stand there and receive the disproportionate, vicious attack. Any 'standing up for yourself' was already beaten out of you at an early age.
2. Mom had a disinterested 'dead face' expression if/when she ever addressed me directly. Never made eye contact, just turned her whole being away from me to let me know that I was completely irrelevant and unimportant.
3. I was taught to never ask for anything. Ever. With the result I never had important things such as school books (had to share my classmates book while pretending that I'd forgotten mine).
4. All clothes were hand-me-downs even though money wasn't an issue. Second hand stuff was good enough for me while my mom regularly bought expensive clothes for herself.
5. My mom ALWAYS picked on me and criticized me until I cried (which took a lot, as a narcissist's child) and then she enjoyed the weird game of 'soothing' me once she'd destroyed me. Her momentary 'soothing' was fake, overly babyish and uncomfortable, which had to be endured otherwise she would feel emotionally 'injured' and punish me for weeks (or until she got bored).
6. The closest thing my father ever came to telling me he loved me, was when he said 'I would love you better if you were far from me'.
7. My birthday's were never remembered. I had a party only once, when I asked for one in front of my mom's friends. She did it, but I paid afterwards for humiliating her in front of her friends.
8. Both parent's had the typical narcissist 'outside' personality. Excessively friendly and cheery to everyone. They were both loved and adored by neighbours and visitors. They were master show-people.
9. My mother was the gaslighter. She would say horrible made-up lies to people and then tell them I told her. If she was caught out doing something wrong, she would blame me. Everybody believed her. This destroyed my reputation with many people, even to this day. She was a master liar.
10. Both parents competed with me and my siblings. My mother would do anything to be better than me at doing something I loved. Then she'd gloat at how better she was.
11. Every day being spewed at with their toxic rage. No reason needed, we were the 'whipping boys' for everything. A driver came too close on the highway and made them go into a violent rage? = Our fault.
Apologies for the long comment, but your video and reading the comments has helped me, maybe something in my comment might also help someone else. Stay strong everyone and may we all find healing.
wow this is so toxic, i cant fathom! so sorry you went through this.. i wish you healing and happiness in the rest of your life!
Yep so true. Mine were also "master show-people".... well put! Mine met at drama school when they were young and both always craved the limelight.They wanted to be stage actors and opera singers. They were super extroverts, bubbly and warm and humorous to their friends who loved and adored them. And outside the home they always made sure they were seen as practically perfect. But then....!!!! Behind closed doors the masks came off and they turned into manipulative bullies, violently blaming their children for everything that had gone wrong and telling us how much better their lives would be if they hadn't had us. Wonderful.
My parents did all those things also. Especially devastating was #5. Critizing me til I cried then- "soothe" me fakely. I am so sorry for ALL of us
My only birthday I had organized, my mother had to be there and berate me in front of my 2 friends that came (long story). This happened when I was 15. Thank god I did not ask for another birthday ever. To this day I feel guilty whenever I want to celebrate it and almost dread it. Bang up job, mom!
Just want to say, I don't have narcissistic parents (I'm here out of curiosity) and I feel genuinely horrible for anyone who has/had to deal with this. Parents should be trustworthy and supportive, not like this.
I never miss my mother at all, but I can’t go no contact.... I was over-pleasing, not allowed to express ourselves my sisters and I, we have a toxic mother, always criticizing, but to everyone else we were a happy family. Now I have a son and I do not know how to raise him in a healthy way
Hey, maybe you should make videos about what it's like to have normal parents! Is it as great as we imagine?
@The dying heart, I’ve always felt “alien” in that same situation. Have you run across anyone else who describes their experience that way? I haven’t until your comment here.
It’s emotional slavery it’s so damaging.
Shayee Love That is a very good point.
that is such a good way to express that. thank you.
Shayee Love so true
Good way of putting it
Shayee Love you took the words right out of my mouth!
This is so true! My parents literally got rid of me when I was 15 years old for not being perfect. They shipped me off to boarding school after I quit the swim team. My mom wanted me to become an Olympic swimmer. Two years later I was removed from boarding school due to child abuse. When I confronted my parents about stealing my childhood they told me, “get over it.”
I'm almost 60 years old and still searching for help in interacting with and dealing with my feelings around my mother. All of the videos (Dr. Les Carter; Jim Wise) I've watched since yesterday have been great and so helpful - I can't absorb and process it all fast enough.
I don't know how I was able to survive this.
came back and saw the likes, wow.
it's sad how many people experience it.
Children become very resilient in finding ways to survive abuse. Escaping into fantasy worlds is one way, spending time with friends or away from home doing sports is another..Sorry to hear of your experience!
I hear you, sometimes when I think about it all I don't understand how I am even able to tie my own shoe laces. But we did survive
I'm living in it and hope that i will survive
Daiyah Sayed, you will, Honey. You will get out and it gets better. Be brave and cut ties when you get out. Don't give them information about your feeling or needs that they can use against you. Don't believe it when they tell you you are abandoning them, you "owe" them, or that you can't take care of yourself. *Solidarity.
Awwh thank you so much for the sweet response!
I think the worst is the financial aspect of it all, of it wasn't for finance I would be out a long time ago
Lots of love
"A family is as sick at its secrets" - John Bradshaw. I think it is the right quote.
Bradshaw was very good even though it was hard to follow him on TV, he frequently became sidetracked too often. Good author, I learned more from him reading his books.
I am what I am today because of my up-bringing. This is how I was raised... It is difficult to change the way one believes and how to feel when this was the baseline of my current life. I don’t blame my parents as they raised me the best they could and what they thought was normal. At this point, I have to be responsible for my life to make the change... Does that make sense???
To change your life, you have to change your mind
How about: "You'll appreciate me when I'm 6 feet under" or my favorite as a French Narc would say "Tu comprend RIEN!" Always coming from the least educated narcissist.
Jessica Sokoloski Thats ringing a very distant but frightening bell for me and now it’s added to the long list of things in my head to straighten out and deal with.
Yeah I told my mom was going to move out in a few months and she said "you'll miss me when I'm gone". I'm at the point where when she says that shit, I'm just like good riddance...
More like I'll be crying tears of joy when your six feet under.
My father had irregular working hours but I always "sensed" when he was home when I turned into our street after school. There is nothing paranormal about this. I learned by growing up that my intuition is super developed. I sensed a lot that I couldn't explain when I was little but everything became more clear by getting older. I was an expert of making myself invisible. I could disappear into the walls and furniture in the hope not to be noticed. In my perception, I was depressed all of my childhood. I cried a lot, mostly because all of my efforts to be good, do good, make him feel good seem to fail over and over again. There was a lot of abuse and not a single family member came to the rescue. Non of them. Even when I bagged them for help. My aunt literally said, he is my brother, you are just a niece. I am 52 now and slowly healing. I broke with my whole family and had loads of therapy. I miss my mother but than again, she never defended me. I suppose out of selfdefense. I fucked up with my eldest daughter when she was little. We are still working on that and it's getting better. I love her so much but it left some scars and I still feel very guilty about that. I never abused her in any way but I was scared to connect with my baby. I was so scared to turn into the thing my father is that we never truly bonded.
Sophie Depus
God bless you Sophie! I think you are amazing!
Dear Sophie.I am so sorry to hear that you have had such a lonely and unsupportive childhood. I can completely relate to that feeling of not having anyone to support you when you were struggling with the abuse. I am glad to hear you have had therapy and are still working on it. Children that are being abused do end up 'sensing' a lot and become very hypervigilant.Thank you for sharing your experience! Just keep moving forward! Many hugs x
Sophie - I too "knew" when my father pulled off the highway and would be home in less than 2 minutes.
Bless your heart Sophie!
Ame3thyst3 , Thanks, bless you too. Stay strong and live!
Courage Coaching Thank you for your kind words and support!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes to all of these. I got zero attention and no love from parents. I was terrified of them, they only punished. I would hide from them. They were violent, sadistic and cruel. I left home at 14. I am a people pleaser, poor self esteem, ended up in abusive relationships with men and now alone. Never dating again. Healing through knowledge and self love. I have firm boundaries now and I let a lot of toxic people go. This was met with horrific smear campaigns but I survived it and I let it go. So glad people like u r bringing awareness and educating us on this horrible type of personality. They are very real and very common.
Naughty Goy 8 how old are you?
Susan, I’m so sorry you had to go through that! You are awesome that you are even still alive all that! You strong girl!
Invite Jesus into your heart
“Do as I say,not as I Do 😢
Wow, this shed a lot of light on what's happening with my 10 yr old, as well as my 12yr old. My wife was raised in a very "dark place". I came from a seperated family. My wife is a narcassist to the enth degree. And we fight constantly. My girls have been screamed at their whole lives and I am starting to see what damage that's brought. My poor babies... this video brought teers to my eyes because everything that was talked about I'm, and my girls are living...
Please help them! My dad said that when he and my mom divorced, he deliberately went no contact with his kids so that she wouldn’t abuse us more. He LEFT US with the abuser on purpose and he escaped her wrath and we no longer had him!! How does that make sense?
Jeremiah get them TF out of that crappy situation dude. Whatcha waitin for????
I really hope you have helped your daughters and at least defended them or hopefully got them away from her. My dad never saw what was going on and as much as I love him there will always be some resentment that he didn't see it and help me. Don't underestimate the damage done by these mothers, I'm still recovering at 34 and I don't think I'll ever be fully healed from it.
I used to cry when I was younger about something family related and I'd get smacked across the face. And it gets denied now, but I remember it vividly. Hearing these rules is just like a wave of yesses from me. My family was very dysfunctional but I wasn't and still am not allowed to think about it or talk about it. I can't get angry at people and always am an obedient person. I have problems saying no and have problems coping with other people being angry. I am always terrified people leave me and I will separate myself from people so they can't hurt me. I have a bf now I love with all my heart, but my mum hates him and told me he is a bad person. I am just now seeing what happened when I was young. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this video ❤
Not your fault, reach out for help.
you're like a young me, betsy, but i hope it gets better for you. i'm 60. it messed me up so much that i never succeeded in anything; i never had an ounce of confidence. this vid (& others like it) should be of great help to you, hon. today is the 1st time in my life [on seeing this vid & these comments] that i realize it wasn't just MY parents, & you people understand & believe me. 💗 please know that you are loved❕ 🌼
Betsy Teske This is all so true. This Christmas was ruined by my mom who brought up a flood that occurred when I was 11. She kept peppering me with questions and finally I said "Yes, I remember it. I told you was happening and you slapped me across the face and told me to quit lying." At which time she looked around and said I was making up terrible lies about her.It all came back with a roar. It ruined the day for me. I've had to build up some very strict boundaries to be around her anymore. I broke that rule because it was Christmas. Not anymore. I'm talking about my survival. Get help. I had therapy for 5 years and feel like I've just started. I'm 61.😔
Signs you grew up in a dysfunctional/narcissistic household:
1. Change reality to seem respectable.
2. What happens in the family, stays in the family.
3. A child has to act and be like an adult. Their emotions are not important, they always have to do what parents want.
4. Hypocrisy.Parents send mixed messages. Causes emotional dissonance. Safer to avoid people, not expect anything from anyone, low expectancies.
5. Not allowed to feel your feelings. No emotional help.
6. Learning that it's okay for people to invade your boundaries.
7. Hyper-vigilance. Helicopter parenting. Always to be on guard, don't trust anyone.
8. Parents expect you to be perfect or unworthy of love.
9. Want kids to be perfect to look good on the outside.
1 3 4 5 6.
I've had my dad flat out lie about verbal abuse. He also denies beating my sister. I was never let out. All of my friends were either going to mug me or drug me or kill me. No privacy. My dad actually took my laptop and looked through it in front of his girlfriend while they laughed at me and asked me why I was so weird. My dad actually punched me in the head because i told him at 18 I was going out. Bullying. Constant verbal abuse. Humiliation in front of my friends/girlfriends.
My step mom wasn't a help either. Verbal abuse daily. She would open my shit, look through it, leave soap in my room to be cheeky. Made fun of my sexuality. Flat out demanded that any penny that was spent on me was also spent on her in turn.
They both loved lording things over me. "remember when I bought you this, and that..." My dad actually let my 18 year old girlfriend live in my room shen i was 15 and used that as an excuse to call himself and "amazing dad" anytime I tried to express a grievance.
It was a tough transition too. I had a happy early childhood. My dad was attentive and nice. Caring. He still yelled at me a lot, but nothing like what was in store.
The happiest days of my life were when they were both gone and I just had the house to myself. Loneliness is bittersweet.
.....
So freaking true
Boo my parents do most of these except for 3. I am always trested like a little kid. They constantly invade my privacy and act like it's okay because I'm still technically a child.
Hypervigilance and perfectionism points are relatable.
Growing with such parents is like your life is THEIRS.
It is like they play barbie dolls in real life, with real people.
This hyper vigilence is so real, I feel so wierd in my own skin because I was stopped from doing normal things.
My mother's favorite tactic was to say "Everyone's looking at you!" To this day I hate being looked at.
little white dog
My mother used to say “watch your butt” she hate any clothes that define my body even tight pants even in house
Yesss!! My family too!!
Yup!!
In a dysfunctional home, hyper vigilance can also be learned by the child as a survival tool. From a young age, they will learn the warning signs of their parents' mood changes. In a "functional" home, where mood changes are not cataclysmic, the child will not need to learn this skill. But if a parent has, for example, "a bad temper," as soon as it can, the child will learn to identify signs of anger. As a result, when they become an adult, they will be hyper-aware of the moods of the adults around them. A side consequence of this is that in, for example, the workplace - where people don't always reveal their personal feelings - a hyper vigilant adult will have to navigate situations where they pick up information from their colleagues about their moods that at the same time, their colleagues are not expressing. This incongruence can put the hyper-vigilant adult on extreme edge and they need to learn to set aside the "scanning" (or hyper-vigilant) behavior and take people at face value. Not easy when you have grown up developing skills (such as being vigilant for mood changes) to protect yourself from unexpected emotional boundary violation. A lot of it comes down to trusting YOURSELF (and that's where therapy is definitely helpful). xo
This is true...as an adult, I'm still very afraid when other people are angry. When you grow up around hostile and abusive people, you become overly sensitive to the behavior/moods of others. You try your best to avoid upsetting them to the point where you become withdrawn (this was my problem). I would become very tense and nervous when my stepfather was angry. My stomach would twist up in knots and I would feel sick, because I knew what would happen.
I would hide upstairs in my room because my mom told me to stay out of his way. I was constantly afraid and never knew what would happen next. Sometimes I felt like I would have a heart attack (as a kid!) because of how scared I was all the time.
SO, so true. When you expect or are hyper sensitive to emotional boundary violations, you tend to react in whatsoever ways, ways that others often misinterpret . Those who are not as hyper-vigilant find it easier to ignore, what may to us seem to be, boundary violation cues, if they even see them at all and they intuitively sense they aren't important in a given scenario. Learning to use your highly honed perception skills to navigate, while at the same time learning what information matters and what doesn't, in short learning to except peoples moods etc. on their face value is key. Self awareness is paramount to achieving and maintaining a sense of balance and confidence especially in sometimes stressful situations, i.e work place. The cues are real but they don't necessarily matter as much as you may feel they do, your perceptions are usually more accurate then most others, it's how you interpret utilize and respond to those perceptions that is dysfunctional. Speaking from self experience, it's when I forget all this that I get off track. Not that I have to stay hyper aware of all of this, just that when and if those old feelings arise I am conscious of what might really be taking place and I step back to assess the situation in light of the above.
MAB - I did that, right down to becoming so observant, I could tell by my mother’s physical stance I was getting ready to be hit in the head. I always tried to stay away from that stance, because I developed headaches, even while I was young. Or he ready to be pulled out of bed in the night. My father was an abusive alcoholic to our mother and ignored his children - lots of mixed messages. I developed PTSD and diagnosed at 14 and moved out at 18. I remembered my childhood and raised my daughter as differently as I could. Of course, me moving out made me the black sheep by my father, who never respected me to begin with.
@@mindysmith5825 you are kinda describing my childhood, but I dont believe my dad was a narcissist. I believe he was rather emotionally immature. He always fought with my mom and he would ask me to be the judge of the fight, to decide who was the wrong party in the fight, with the understanding that it was my mom's fault. He wanted me to take his side most of the time. But he insisted he never started a fight. I suffer from depression as an adult and I think I "married my father" because my husband gets angry every time you disagree with him.
I am sad and confused.
Comparing us to the neighbor's kids (who were younger), how "good" and obedient they were and how "bad" we were.
Legit my childhood.
I ran away at 13 and lived on the streets for 7 months cuz I needed to get away so bad
wish you find the love peace and happiness you deserve!
Same here. Hitching around, taking chances. Had some interesting times too!
@@MH-cv5ye tbh it was a great life experience that I'm thankful I went through in some ways
Too bad you can't do that nowadays
Which I could do that but i'm a woman, not a good idea lmao
Im seventeen and still in a house where my mom shows all these signs, the guilt tripping and controlling nature expecially, I myself suffer from what I found out to be borderline personality disorder or BPD for short due to her actions. it affects me so heavily that I'm not sure I'll ever be normal or mentally healthy but my mom would love the guilt or fear tactics when I was younger to have me clean like I remember a period of time that my time gave my 13 year self any attention or love for a month because when she screamed in my face I had texted my gf at the time the phrase "I hate my mom" turns out every night she would check our flip phones (that didn't have password protection) and read through every message and I found this out because I was woken up at 3:00 in the morning getting screamed at about the text. Even to this day she still uses this tactic here recently when I was talking of how I wanted to go to actual parties and how it wasn't very appealing as a teenage guy to take shots with his mom she for real said I bet "so and so's kids" (hiding names) would love to take shots with there mom and this person she was talking about was my dad's gf who had kids I liked to hang out with at the time, WHO FUCKING DIED BTW! She brought a dead woman and her kids who miss her in a convo about me wanting some extra freedoms. Thanks for reading I know it's a long one.
I was always told 'what goes on in this house, stays in this house." Smh.
That is the typical thing narcissistic parents will say unfortunately!
Nikki Graham ha ha ha me too funny thing is anyone in a kilometre radius could hear WW3 going on sooooo crazy
Nikki Graham me too
I will be saying that to my children when they start school... You leftist liberal's think that you have a right to interfere in everything.
Yes. I remember the day I got brave enough to tell my parents if they didn't want people to find out then it was probably wrong... I was eighteen years old!