It NEVER Stops
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- Опубліковано 11 сер 2021
- Whenever I'm with someone, I'm not having a conversation - I'm having seven versions of that conversation, monitoring my facial and body movements, observing theirs and responding, running different versions of sentences and responses - its exhausting. And unnecessary. But came from somewhere...do you find yourself doing this too? 💜
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Is this something you find yourself doing as well? 💜
I'm on the autism spectrum. This is how I'm able to function in society. Nothing about social interaction comes natural to me, I have to remember all the rules and constantly evaluate the behavioral cues I've been taught to recognize in the people around me in order to hold a normal conversation.
Did it in my 20’s.
Yes! Not to the same level, but so much of that is familiar. I had someone ask who are you really? And I didn't get it. I was really hurt. Your explaination just snapped it into focus, thank you!
Yes absolutely
Mine was born of feeling like I was from another planet (being metaphorical not weird), I found I needed to study faces, behavior, body language and social interaction in order to be acceptable and accepted. Eye contact, if I am tired/bored, is the one behavior I have trouble with.
What you are describing is totally a trauma response. We all fall into the idea that is wasn't abusive so it wasn't traumatic or it wasnt physical so it doesn't count/only counts when it is. That just simply isn't true.
This could easily fall into hypervigelence as a symptom of PTSD which you know you are dealing with.
This is so relatable. I actually went into my therapist office for the first time and said I am either autistic or have PTSD. A lot of the things you mentioned here could easily be sensory overload due to anxiety which often gets seen as an autistic thing.
OMG the mask thing YES...me too.
Being diagnosed autistic as an adult and learning about masking. Learning about all the ways I've "edited" myself in real-time to not startle the normies. Learning about all the ways as a child I was always corrected for not doing all these social things right. Yup.
Same here and this video is like I am all the time.
Same
As an introvert I can have whole conversation with a person without saying a word to said person.
This is what my wife does. It's a constant struggle with her. I think our society has forced a lot of women into this kind of mental gymnastics. As a man, I'm always polite with people (who deserve it), but I'm always myself with people, because I don't care what they think of me at the end of the day. Women, whether naturally or through societal pressures, are molded to be pleasers.
The upside is that when we become aware of it we can use it in other ways than to just please other people. Once we realize that we can set our own goals for an interaction we can use our skills in communication and reading people to achieve them. I actually almost got a Karen to see the err of her ways and apologize once.
Really? I know many rude, abrasive women and I work in a female dominated profession.
I know you didn’t mention this possible contributor in the video, but I think many of us who come from an Evangelical background where behavior, image and perception matter so much struggle with the constant need to edit and censor our authentic selves because as kids we needed to in order to avoid judgment by the community. We always needed to fit into an ideal. I definitely feel that and expressing my authentic self in social situations is an arduous process of unlearning so many patterns. Sometimes I don’t know where to draw the line too, and that can be scary because it can cause conflict. I appreciate you sharing your journey so much. Much love. ❤️
I think that's where my doing what Jo is talking about comes from. Have you found that you sometimes go the other way? Like instead of being overly on top of every detail, you let things slip that would be better not said?
@@alternativeprincess4783 Yes. Quite relatable. It’s like I’m fighting so hard not to filter myself that I end up not filtering things that should be left unsaid, or at least stated more tactfully.
I feel this way too. There wasn’t a lot of conflict in my home but there was a Religious Authority Structure… I’m realizing that if anyone further up on the authority chain didn’t like something about you or what you were doing it would be “corrected“… so I learned to be very careful with my presentation.
YES. I still do this because I had to try and present everything in a way that my family and community couldn’t possibly misconstrue it to be satanic. Even now when I’m not religious and don’t believe in that stuff but I still hide everything I think will get me in trouble like downplaying dragons or gay characters in content or anything that could possibly make my extremely conservative evangelical parents upset… most of the time they’re upset anyway which is why I refuse to live near them.
I feel the same way- I’ve watched people’s faces when they realize I was one of “those evangelicals” and watched them put me into a category without knowing ME.
Oh wow, an overworked, overheating computer is the perfect analogy. I feel like this too, I'm just not as skilled at it. I feel like I'm trying so hard all the time and it's still not "good enough." It helps to hear how you're experimenting with letting go a little bit and that it's feeling like a relief and a breath of fresh air.
My adult daughter is 24 and she does this especially when alone, but also when speaking with others. I find highly intellectual people do this more than the average person. I find your content intriguing, eye opening and easily understood. Thank you
It felt like you were describing me! I’ve even tried to make my counselor feel comfortable with me. It’s exhausting. I even do it with voicemails On those gut wrenching occasions when I have to call a friend I hope for voicemail. There’s no “what do I say after they say hello?” Then, voicemail kicks in & I realize I have to choose what to say because this is something they can play over & over.
You nailed it. It’s about feeling safe. I’ve had people tell me I’m not responsible to make sure everyone is having a good time. I know that, but yet it’s something I do because it feels unsafe if they’re not having a good time or at least aren’t having a bad time. I rehearse conversations that never even happen. Thank you for your openness. I’ve never heard someone explain it like this. I’ve also never heard anyone talk about how they’re learning to deal with it.
I’m now resisting the urge to spend 20 minutes editing this comment.
About the voice-mail thing, I have something similar. I always rehearse what I'm gonna order, specially if I'm in a line (coffee shop, ice cream, etc). So many variables, and I don't want to be rude, to annoy anyone, to delay the line. You can not imagine my surprise when I realized that not everyone did that. I still cannot imagine how to not do it, but it sure was awakening to see that some people just live.
Bc I've never been able to please everyone, I recently decided to not give a Flick anymore. 'Normies' don't care what I think, Why should I Care what They think?? ❤️
As someone with anxiety, this is TOTALLY what happens to me. I didn't realize until I was in my mid twenties that everyone didn't rehearse every conversation ahead of time, or while it was happening.
I have had these thoughts as well, but much more so when I was younger. As I've aged, I guess I've learned to 'not care' so much about what others think of me. It wasn't easy, but I'm glad that I did.
Jo, you're not alone! I realised I do this real-life self editing just recently too. When you said you took on the role of a "peacekeeper" in the household, I had to snap my fingers! I can sense how a fight may start from how this person moved or glanced at someone, or how their tone is starting to get snarky. I see all the different ways an event may unfold for the worst and quickly defuse it between people or groups. I find myself constantly trying to maintain the peace and it is draining sometimes. But, I just cannot stop it. It's just who I am. I cannot stand seeing fights escalate and bonds cracking and breaking.I HAVE to keep the peace.
I have a similar problem. I was bullied a lot as a kid. I felt like I could never fit in. So I tried and tried and tried. Our monkey brains are so hard-wired for social acceptance, that it becomes this visceral NEED to be part of the group. It has taken me a long long time to be able to be honest with people, and I'm so glad you have found a path that works for you.
I'm so glad things have gotten better for you. I'm in my thirties and still don't fit in in most social situations. I just don't fit in anywhere. I've grown to accept it, and don't really try anymore which has actually been freeing. I have a wonderful husband who also has trouble fitting in, so we're just the quirky outcasts together lol
@@bunny_0288 I'm glad you're doing better too! I heard something funny a while ago and it now lives rent free in my head: "Normal is just a setting on the washing machine."
@@FlareHeart Haha it's so true. I find "normal" people pretty boring anyways. I fully embrace being a little quirky. I'm an INFP on the Myers Briggs personality types. It's actually pretty typical for us to feel like we don't belong. I'm not sure what your personality type is, but it's nice to know that it's just sort of how I am. And honestly it's kind of nice to never be involved in crazy drama or anything like that. :) There are pros to the quiet simple life for sure.
This is very relatable for me Jo! 👍
I really like your online public persona and I'm confident I will still like any updated or more fleshed out version of you too ❤️👍
This is one of the kindest comments I've ever read. Thank you, truly, Phil. 💜
I also struggle with social anxiety. I have always had the desire to be liked and I've always been a people pleaser to the point where socializing exhausted me so much. I asked my spiritual leader what I could to to help with the constant anxiety and fear I had and this is what he told me "You need to love yourself". That was why I had the issues I was having. It's a simple answer but no one has ever told me this before. As I learn to love myself more, the less I worry and critique my myself when socializing. 🙏 I pray you heal from feeling this way when socializing. I love your UA-cam channel! Just found your channel a few days ago.
Reminds me of my OCD where I have to tell myself, "No, I don't have to touch that three times, and if I don't do it, everything will still be fine" and then it's a whole back-and-forth with my own brain. So exhausting. All the love to y'all
OMG I thought it was only me! I don’t like conflict, so I am always trying to stop it from happening. That also is why I can’t go to sleep for a while. Always thinks of what I am going to do. 😒
sounds like masking if u're on the spectrum. but yeah to me is an indicator of heavy anxiety and low self esteem. I've been having conversations with my mom and we conclude that even though we can't always be extra l nice, we should always be respectful. As in maybe i can't smile all the time but i won't use my low energy as an excuse to be rude.
I can heavily relate, Jo! I suffer from anxiety, along with MDD, and since I was kid, I always had to be the "happy kid" or behave in a way that people that I believe liked me to be. To me this is very relatable to hypervigilance. I'm usually replaying the conversations in my head only after I've ended conversing with that person over the "should of, could of, would of"' like a broken record and that's where I start to spiral into negative thinking about myself. I would definitely keep working with your therapist on this and ask if this could be some form of social anxiety (or possibly some other mental diagnoses).
Wish you the best of luck, Jo and take care!
I have OCD and I am 100% on, 100% of the time. I feel exactly like you described. It’s so exhausting
I recently realized I totally have OCD (like I can't believe no professional ever said anything??) and I don't know a lot about it yet and all the ways it can show up, but I think the "moral scrupulosity" thing (worrying about whether I'm a good person or a bad person, or whether my actions are right or wrong) really plays into this social overthinking for me. It really is so deeply exhausting!
Oh my god. I've watched you for I think a few years now. I don't have chronic illness so I love your videos but can't relate to well. This one... I have never related to a video so much. When I clicked on here I wasn't expecting you to put into words things I've never been able too. I grew up similar I was loved and not harmed and nobody hit each other but there was a lot of conflict a lot of shouting and having to read a mood. Thank you for making this video for unknowingly making someone finally be able to articulate words for what's happening in my brain. I love your channel stay happy 💜✌️
Chris Rock said "When you meet somebody for the first time, you not meeting THEM, you meeting their REPRESENTATIVE". Unfortunately, our society is mostly not interested in us, they only want to ever meet our representatives. Dale Carnegie taught us this was the right way to do things.
You made me cry, because everything that you said was so true for me. And yeah it's really exhausting do that every single time and feel so detached about your own self and always tried so hard to please and guess what people need and want from you. Thank you for said your true and mine too.
Ps: Sorry for my English. I'm learning
I cried too !
This is SO me, and you’re right; it IS exhausting! 99% of the time, I’m happier to be alone, because it’s just easier.
Namaste
You're not alone! I do all of this too. I'm even a little sad about masks going away. It feels so good to have a straight face... or frown even... in public.
I always appreciate the candor in your videos. Thank you for giving this a voice.
Aaaand this is why I drank so. much. coffee in college. It took so much energy to be running at 100% capacity with that many people like 18 hours a day! What's wild is that I really did it 18 hours a day. I think this might be the video of yours that I've related to most... Like ever!
This resonates completely. I like the self respect in acknowledging it as a reliable, honed safety tool in the toolbox, AND that it's one that doesn't have to be used ALL the time anymore. Thanks for putting words to this experience.
I actually relate a lot to this too! Growing up I put so much pressure on myself to be happy because that's what makes /other/ people's lives better. I put on a front of always being happy because I thought that if I wasn't, all the sudden everyone would hate me and leave me. So I always monitored myself to see whether or not I looked "happy" even during the times I most definitely was NOT. Now I've been working on that and giving myself permission to not always be smiling and "happy". Now I'm happy for ME and no longer for others! Granted, it's still a work in progress but that's everything XD
My thing was being "good", in all the stereotypical ways. Good grades, good daughter, good mood. Causing no trouble. No fights. Never raised my voice. Never threw a tantrum. Always the good one. Sometimes dying inside, but always the good one.
The irony, or the most infuriating part, is that I was only allowed to be bad (aka sad/depressed/anxious) when I became a grown up. I mean, not allowed. It's still very much frowned upon, how come I haven't fixed myself yet?
After 17+ years of complying to every single fucking thing, I developed a binge eating disorder (I'm right now in therapy dealing with what am I swallowing, other than food? Like, why did I learn to swallow those feelings? How to unlearn it?). So now the depression and anxiety have a face that everyone sees (aka fat).
Note: my family has a slew of undiagnosed depressed, anxious, alcoholics, you name it.
This video is very relatable as an adhd'er 💕
Thank you for sharing Jo! I really relate to your experience. I sometimes have days where my face muscles are tired because I've been holding them in a friendly expression all day. No breaks. Having a mask was a relief because I felt I could finally relax my face in public!
Slowly but surely I've been teaching myself that I am enough. I don't have to be a friendly face to every single stranger that crosses my path. I can still be a kind person while honestly experiencing who I am in that moment (stressed, anxious, tired, happy, neutral, relaxed, etc.)
You are beautiful and so authentic and so real and relatable your an amazing person love you so much jo your awesome the way you are
Yes! This ismy everyday! Probably born with cerebral palsy and living in a world where everyday you have to be "you"... I often feel like I am a stranger to myself. I have no idea how to act even when I am alone. I just want this exhausting pain and the thoughts that never stop to end 😪
I do this all the freakin' time. Up until a couple of years ago, I thought that I was the only one who did this.
You are not alone !!!
WE are not alone !!! 😀
The thing you're describing is pretty much what people on the autism spectrum do in order to function in social situations. Because the rules of social interaction don't come natural to us it takes a lot of work to just interact without accidentally hurting someone.
That's also a big reason why we usually don't last long at parties, it's hard work to socialize and our batteries drain quickly.
I remember when my mom taught me about eye contact, probably around 8 years old. How to look with a relaxed gaze between the eyes of the one I'm talking to. Not having it fixated on the same spot but allowing it to drift to the cheeks, forehead and nose areas every few seconds, and about every 20 seconds drift away from the face to somewhere about a face width to the side of the person's face for 2-5 seconds.
That's the level of training and effort it takes for us to just maintain a non-creepy eye contact.
I wish I had a better way to say this....
But, SAME!
I honestly knew I wasn't the only one.
But I haven't ever heard anyone say it EXACTLY how I feel it!
I see you girl and I feel your pain!!
💜💜💜
I do the same thing. It makes having a public-facing job very difficult. Having our office ban ppl dropping by unplanned was a nice thing in the midst of the terrible thing that is the pandemic. I could prepare for who was scheduled though even with preparation. It was still a lot of work, though. (And part of why I'm in the process of quitting my current social services job.) I had chalked all of this social vigilance to being an introvert. But it's deeper/other than that. I could ramble on but I've already edited this comment 3 times (SEE?!) so...it's weirdly comforting to know someone else knows/does this, too.
I have this too, sort of… not when I talk to people but when I know I have to have a conversation with them. I think of all the possibel things that can happen, but when I actualie talk with them it goes it’s own way. Thans you for this wonderfull video ❤️
I am very happy I found your channel. I needed this today. Thank you. 💙
Thank you so much for sharing this, it's not often I come across something I relate to so strongly and it's really nice to see someone I admire has realized a similar thing about themselves as I have about myself - I've also been trying to work on this lately and I wish you the best of luck in getting to share more of your true self and learn about yourself along the way :)
You have just put everything into words that i cant myself. Exactly what it feels like to me but i didnt realise i was doing it untill i heard someone else explain it. I am 10 years older than you and its only just dawned on me that i do this.
I had the same growing up. 2 parents who loved me and thought they were doing the best but they fought with each other ALOT. No violence or abuse, a little bit of pushing but thats it and not towards me just each other. I have a massive fear of conflict and i think this is why but i need to talk to someone about it.
Thankyou
I feel that you frequently read my mind, and make videos that discuss topics with which I have my own problems. Thank you for trusting us with your struggles, and please realize that you are not alone with these feelings. 💜
I would argue being "genuine" doesnt come naturally to most people, and for good reason sometimes. Ive definitely let my guard down 100% and kinda regretted it. We are stupid, awkward, weird creatures, and communication is complicated and difficult. The classic case of someone saying "Does this make my butt look big?" and being honest about it, leading to them feeling hurt and offended, when really you dont care nor would most people care if it made their butt look big.
Obviously what you are talking about is kinda extreme, but I would say most people probably do it to some extent most of the time
Very relatable Jo. I love anything you post. I think about every single possibility and can't read or use social cues very well too.
Thanks for this, thanks for being brave enough to be vulnerable with us, I'm so glad that you noticed this in yourself and that you're addressing it. Your skills at mediating and presenting a likeable performance of yourself are valuable, AND you don't have to be using them all the time. I hope this realization brings you more peace, and I believe you sharing this will help other people ^_^
Wow...you hide it SO well! I was thinking about my actions vs. yours when you were talking about trying to get or keep people liking you by thinking things through...and through. I self reflected and realized that I do not worry about what other people think of me or my actions (for the most part) but I work at trying to be a good person and if that doesn't garner friendships then so be it. And I TOTALLY agree with your alone time...I hope you continue to grow and find yourself. It is not only good for you but also for your husband and family.
I just discovered your channel about a week and a half ago (I think… time has become hard since the pandemic hit. 😅) and I’m addicted. Every single video I’ve watched, other than the ones 100% about amputee specific struggles, has felt like watching and listening to someone describe my struggles and my secret inner workings to a T. Like in this video, you described exactly how my brain works when interacting with people! It’s crazy how perfectly you’re describing so much stuff I’ve been struggling with and can’t seem to get across to other people. You’ve also helped me make connections between things in my life that I hadn’t made before. I’ve sent some of your videos to people in my life to help me talk about the topic you discussed in that video.
Thank you for putting yourself out there and talking so candidly about so many extremely sensitive topics. I can’t possibly be the only one you’ve helped through your videos. So thank you.
You are definitely not alone in this. I will often be hard on myself when I feel a social interaction didn’t go as I thought it would (even to the point where I incorrectly assume I offended or upset the other person). On social media, I’ll obsess over the wording on even a short, simple comment I intend to post (even to the point where I might just give up and not post anything at all). When you have issues with control, trying to anticipate every outcome and plan every moment is an (unhealthy) way to cope. Just letting go and accepting no one has that level of control is extremely hard, especially when you’re recovering from trauma (old or recent). Unplugging from social media, text messages, phone calls, etc. is an excellent way to calm that anticipatory instinct and take that pressure off of yourself, so good on you for doing that as needed. And thank you for posting this. Watching your video made me feel a little lighter. ❤️
It's impossible to please all the people all the time and you don't have to. Your a good person and you have taught us a lot thank you.
Your candor amazes me, Jo. Thank you for sharing.
Side note: I greatly appreciate how your hoodie strings are the same length.
Omg! I totally experience this as an autistic person!!! I’ve experienced a lot of trauma and not having the natural ability to understand even basic social cues made me go crazy to learn anything and everything about human behavior. Totally developed crazy anxiety about this, look into unmasking for autistic ppl if you wish - could offer some great insights!
You described my mind so perfectly. Thank you
Not sure how much of this real. U r good enough to have as u keep reminding us a wonderful emotional support from family friends. Ppl who do what you describe won’t be able to have intimate relationships
You verbalized my life experience. Thank you so much!❤ I get told I'm like a wonderful person to visit with b/c I can keep a conversation and like... manage emotions...that they're good, comfortable, and yadda yadda. It's exhausting (though it's been a great skill to develop...but being so sensitive and flexing that emotional muscle so much is exhausting)! It's a trauma thing from growing up around narcissism. Walking on eggshells and having to anticipate various ways things could go if I said or shared x, y, or z w/ said person...and how I should say it. And timing of when to say it. I also was...well like the interpreter between my parents. When they weren't understanding each other, I understood what both meant and would explain each other to the other one. Focusing on "just being" and feeling safe and okay is healing. Processing this...working on healing.
Jo!
I grew up in a very abusive environment. Battered child. Daily.
Could not wait to grow up & get OUT! I had to reconstruct myself from the ground up in order to not be filled with self-hatred. Battered kids often blame themselves.
So... as an ADULT I developed the attitude of "This is ME - Take it or Leave it".
I State my Mind. As a result a lot of folk seem to perceive me as "Eccentric" or a "Character". Personally I consider myself to be the most Sane Person I know. I try to be Kind to others.
love
Steve Holliday
This is me all the time, and equating it to a computer being on overdrive is so very accurate. It is a aspect of Hypervigilance and it sometimes sucks. I can't cope sometimes at work when people are being sarcastic or joking when alot is going on. I tell them I don't have the processing capability at the moment and can't judge what they are saying as real or joking so I end up taking it all seriously in trying to gauge my reactions. Thank you for sharing your brain because no,you aren't alone and now I can tell that I'm not either or weird. Thank you for being real and vulnerable in this.
I should show this video to anyone who asks about what extreme anxiety/social anxiety is like, because this is what its like for me.
I am feeling the exact same way. I have hypersensitivy to everything social. I am also always trying to predict everything and how I can make things the best possible outcome. I am always looking for body language and signs of discomfort and trying to predict what someone needs without them saying it, and I am convinced I am right each time I do that. I also have this around people I love and am close to. I overanalyze how I act to make sure it lines up with "who I am supposed to be."
Found you through Eric Wen. I relate to this so much! (Aside from the bring more comfortable on camera 😅)
I loved you waving with your leg at the end, that totally got me 😁
but I definitely do this. I don't think to this degree, but I certainly avoid conflicts, at all costs. The part you said about making sure the other person is comfortable, almost before yourself, 1000%. I've edited or left out opinions or even questions if I thought it will even slightly upset them. I don't have a conscious reason though. I didn't grow up with any excessive fighting or abuse, I've never encountered anyone (yet) truly trying to harm me for harms sake. There's no actual reason for me but it's definitely something I do to this day. I feel it's easiest for me to open up via text, which is also not always great as I've learned sometimes people misread your tone so heavily that they took in a totally different meaning than i intended. Luckily this isn't very often.
But yeah those people who can just talk to people without a second thought, I legit don't know how they do it!
I deal with almost exact same thing. It’s so nice to know it’s not JUST me. I do think this “skill” really does develop during child hood, especially if you grew/ growing up in a a family that deals with a lot of conflict (like what you said) I’m only 13 but this video helped me understand what I’m dealing with. So thank you so much for these videos. ❤️
What you are describing is something that is totally foreign to me. In the normal course of events I may take the the time to choose my words carefully and thoughtfully which means I tend to be a slow talker.
It amazes me how fast you talk, which in turns indicates how fast your brain works and then to consider what you are describing about the multiple scenarios being processed makes me think your mind must be like a super computer.
I find you to be an amazing, genuine, deep and interesting person who has lived through some unpleasant life events and come out on top.
Thank you for being you Jo. You are amazing.
i do this tooooo. its nice to know i am not alone. its been a chronic headache literally. this really helped me to to understand what i have been doing better. thank you.
The first 39 seconds of this video made me really happy... Because I was in the opposite impression, thinking that noone else did that. Thank you for sharing
I love your channel! Yes, I find myself doing this as well. It is exhausting.
Thank you so much for this!!!!! Same as you have said, I haven't realized that I do the same thing- like EXACTLY the same thing- because, of the reason that I saw a lot of conflict and disunity in my family, and I noticed that what was said directly affected any actions that followed. And I realized at as a child, or rather a toddler now that I'm remembering when I started doing it, that being quiet often got the best result- which was peace. But now that I'm in my 30s, I've struggled to really be myself around friends and family. Every time I am around them (either on zoom or phone calls cuz of Covid) I hear or see their body language and hear their tone and I automatically change my own script and make sure that they are absolutely at ease. And it's exhausting when I already have a mental disability which intensifies all anxiety that I have around people, so I get this 'whatever-makes-this-situation or conversation-end-faster-so-I-can-escape' all the time. This is basically a really long way to say thanks for putting into words. Have a good day!
Thank you so much for this Video! ♥️ I feel the same talking to other people. Also I absorb all the emotions from the people and Sometimes it's so exhausting. I NEED my alone- time to recharge. In this time I can truly bei myself without any "mask".
Your Video shows me that I am not alone with my thoughts. :)
I wish all of you the best ♥️
OMG!! Thank you for putting into words why it is that I find social interaction so exhausting, even when I am enjoying myself. Somehow I knew, but didn't fully recognize that not everyone is so conscious of both how they portray themself, and how others are interpreting their words and actions. I have recently become aware of how I feel responsible for other people's emotions, and I am consciously working toward letting this go, but your explanation here really hit home and I recognized how much of my mental real estate is taken up with the planning, monitoring and adapting of all my conversations. - Even those that never actually take place!!
Thank you for this video! You have explained very well what I have dealt with all my life. Trying to figure out every aspect of a social interaction. I feel the need to do this so I don't get hurt, or I don't upset the other person. I also pay attention to every detail of what is around me. I believe this is a safety issue for me too.
Oh Jo, I relate to this video on so many levels! As always, thanks for sharing. My day was better because you made an appearance in it :)
YANA. I developed similar traits coming from an emotionally abusive and toxic environment as a kid. It became a layer of armored defense but it also allowed me to see the many layers that go on around me. I found it easy to associate as a third person observer and could help a lot of people that way. It did come with the underdevelopment of first and second person interactive skills and I have been working on being less of a third person in interactions, but I have been trying to make a negative a positive.
Thank you! :) this video is really helpful, bc although i dont monitor myself as much as you (did) around other people, i am also afraid that my actions might have extremly negative consequences for my relationships with people. Your experience on how other people DID in fact reacted to you crossing lines, was really relieving to hear. Gives me hope, that it might be also the case in my social enviroment. Will definitely be more experimental myself! :)) thanks again! :)
Oh my goodness, I can relate a lot! I haven't done it in every situation but I've been doing it a lot. Thank you for sharing this with us
You have just explained me exactly. I always have things going through my head as to how to say something nicer because I hate conflict.
I'm blown away! I do this 24/7 and until now it never came up my mind that there are people out there that don't do this. I always wondered why there are people who actually like talking to each other while for me already chit-chatting for 10 minutes is super exhausting. Thanks for opening up my eyes!
Me too, diagnosed at the age of 58 I realized that is has been like this all my life. Now I have an answer but...LOL all stimuli still exists 10 years later and they will stay with me the rest of my life. On the other hand; I learned how to make use of my special skills and can sometime help others... same as you do; you're doing great, keep up the good work.
I have to say that I do this to some extent. I practice upcoming situations over and over again. I too have experienced the effects of wanting to be liked by everyone. I have come to believe that insecurity plays a part as does life experiences. Being teased, being picked last, being called horrible names, being accused of doing things you did not do are part of this need to please so all will like you. I am a lot older than Jo and I have not totally won the war with myself over this. I have gotten much better but I think it is just something you have to accept is part of who you are and that it is ok. When you do that you worry less about it and do the things like we have been talking about less. You are a truly genuine and authentic person as you are and so am I. Ease up on yourself because we who care about you accept you as your are and love you that way.
I love how you waved with your stump and your hand at the same time!
hey Jo.. (38 seconds into the video). i used to do the same thing when i was at my lowest point (depression). i think its part of what got me there in the first place. you just go crazy when you try to 'be perfect' like that
Oh yes, I definitely do this. I grew up in a emotionally volatile household. People pleasing, going over conversations in my head so I don’t sound too harsh. All of that not so fun stuff.
I think having my every little movement and expressions commented on while growing up contributed to this. I felt like I had to be expressionless or force a positive expression simply to not be misunderstood or insulting. It’s definitely something I have to work on but I already notice myself doing this less and less around long time friends.
Awe- I appreciate what you said-like u don’t have to be a people pleaser all the time…that’s where you lose yourself in the process…but it’s okay to happy about and it’s okay to NOT be happy just like you said.. that’s why I think your authentic and true yourself.. if that makes any sense 🤷🏻♀️
you have explained my brain to me. thank you.
Yep, This is something I have dealt with my whole life. And in an odd parallel, I'm a musician and just like you feel more comfortable interacting with people in front of a camera, I've always been more comfortable interacting with people on stage.
Being autistic, I mask myself since I was a little kid (like, 2yo). It just got worse and worse as I was bullied at school for about 5 years, and it is EXHAUSTIVE. It looks exactly like you described, but it gets worse for me because I have little to no social energy, which means every single interaction exhausts me and can lead to a overload. I think this is what happens to you, but for a different reason. I mask because society is like "this is normal, you are not normal, become normal" and 'normal' is just something they pretend it exists, but in fact the only reason they do it is to opress us and have some sort of power on us.
This is not your fault at all, you are on "alert mode" all the time because this is what they want of you, and finding your true self is really hard, it may be one of the hardest things you do, but the result is worth it!!!
Hey Jo, your words are spoken as if coming from my own heart. I have watched you for so long now and even though I am 59 and you are 30, I feel as though you could be a long lost sister. I have lived with chronic illnesses since I was 17. I was in therapy in my 20’s and my therapist asked me if I could possibly “just do nothing” for 10 minutes a day. My heart fluttered. She explained “nothing” as your therapist asked you to do. I honestly felt like my breathing would stop and my heart was being squeezed. I then knew how much I needed to do this. She was kind enough to say, try a timer and just do your best as it may take awhile for you to even make it to 5 minutes as you and your “Monkey Mind” are always so, so busy. It was quite a challenge at first and YES, it did take time before I could just sit quietly for 10 minutes and letting my mind go blank. In doing so I found out that I was always living my life with an undercurrent of what I called the “I Gotta’s”. My days were full from the time I got up until bedtime. All day it was, “I gotta get to work, then do some shopping, meet up with so and so for a movie”, etc. I was always busy and never knew that I could live a quieter life as it had never occurred to me. Our house had 8 kids and there was a lot of chaos and even emotional abuse which is part of what led me to therapy. I did not know what “healthy” looked like. To my complete surprise my therapist actually suggested that due to my toxic parents (my father and a step mother who truly did NOT like me) I “divorce my parents” in order to maintain my sanity. So I did and it took a lot of work and time, but I learned to slow down and even joined a Meditation group and could Meditate for up to 2 hours at a time. As a young girl I had loved horses and had many injuries, but none as bad as yours. Later in life in my early 40’s I had a nearly fatal car accident and it taught me that life could become even quieter. I had my right ankle shattered and it has a metal rod and four screws in it. I was told 14 years ago that I truly needed an ankle fusion, but I should wait as long as possible since they only last so long and they are always making medical improvements. So now I am going for one last consultation to see what they suggest. The accident damaged my pancreas so a year later I became a Type 1 Diabetic. All was okay until my first time in the ICU for six nights. I learned that Type 1 is much trickier than Type 2 and I had already developed complications. So at the time of the accident I was living a fun filled life, but still busy. Then I was bedridden for four months due to my injuries and by the second month I was truly shocked and so thankful for my therapy as I learned how to be even more quiet. Life can be so very crazy. So I know I have PTSD, and recently heard about Complex PTSD and I am wanting to look into it a bit more. I suggest you may want to talk with your therapist about this - if it IS something you feel might be “running your computer day and night”. But I know all about the “editing my words” as I learned to do at dinner time, until I pretty much decided staying quiet was safer. So at the age of 10 I started working and did whatever I could to not be at home except to sleep and sometimes have dinner. A true authentic friend who had recommended my therapist was the one who pointed it out to me that I never knew how to be at “home in my own home”. She said, you only sleep there and then your day is filled and you only go back home when it is time to sleep. So I was so happy to have her show me how creating a real home CAN be a place to be quiet and do as I like. Many lessons like yours. I am happy to say that I am now living in AZ with my Significant Other, 14 years since July and our two dogs - our fur babies. We both are home bodies so we did not have to go through the shock of being quarantined, so that was a blessing. I have babbled on much more than I intended - my inner computer is on auto pilot, so time to slow this down and simply say hey, so happy you have such a great way of expressing your issues and your authenticity and tenacity have always amazed me. You have many internet friends from all over the world and I can bet you will find many who have lived like you with their own inner computers running day and night too. You are so good with your analogies. Keep them coming as your time and energy allow. Keep taking such good care of yourself. Also, a reminder about PTSD. As I know you had a recent trauma, it is good to take time to be kind and gentle with your self as you may have some delayed reactions. I recently heard this about PTSD and it makes sense. It is always with us, but we CAN learn to watch for the signs and know how to handle it kind of like you do - with finesse!! Okay, sending ☮️ n ❤️ from AZ!!
I relate to this soooo much!
this video made me feel so much better :)
Oh my gosh this is literally me as well. Sometimes I will literally run through a conversation or topic so many times in my mind I wont even bother bringing it up. Because I already had it 7-8 times....
Thanks for sharing that 👍🏻 I was raised in a lovely home, but for my parents it was and still is, very important, what other people think of them and that they present as perfect as possible. So raised with such a high standard, I did the exact same thing you do. Then I suddenly got really sick 2008. I was diagnosed with a rare neurological immune disorder, and so I’m not able to walk or stand anymore, and my feed are both in a weird position thanks to spastics, and are often colored in a purple, blueish color.
All in all you can clearly see, that something is wrong with me, and I had to learn to accept, that my body isn’t perfect anymore. And during that process, I also stopped doing the things you do, during a conversation, because I stopped caring what other people think about me. I always thought, that I would be the only person who does that 🙈Wishing you all the power you need, to do one little step after the other, to change this behavior. So that you can have a conversation more relaxed and more authentic 😊💜💜 Katy
As a child of an evangelical pastor, and a total theater nerd, I realized early on that every interaction with another human being was a performance where I was taking on a persona based on who I thought that human wanted me to be. To my parents, I was a dutiful son. To the folks at church, I was a devoted Christian. To my friends at school, I was either a science nerd, a computer nerd, a music/theater nerd, or just a really good listener. I was constantly auditing my conversations to make sure I was saying the "right" things to each person depending on my understanding of their beliefs/motivations/responses, trying to control the conversation so that I would appear wise/understanding/cool. I even did this with my wife and children in order to reduce my anxiety level. It was only late in life that realization set in -- and the odd thing was that I only felt comfortable being my true self with my little brother, who had gone through serious trauma and so abandoned any pretense in his life, and is truly the most true-to-himself person that I know. Every time I get together with him, it feels like all my worries and concerns and anxieties are lifted from my shoulders, and we can just talk about anything and know that, no matter what we say, we are being real with one another. It is utterly and completely refreshing.
This is *so* relatable...
Your not alone there are more people that have that have this type of functionality! If you ever need to talk about this im practically always except Wednesday im going to Drs Appointments but any other day im available! Footlessjo you are not alone on this!😀
Eric Wen recommended your video, and this definitely sounds like a cranked up version of my INFJ self. It's taken me a long time to speak up and to not always be pleasant, just for the sake of keeping the peace, but it's getting better. I also think it comes from conflicts at home (walking on eggshells and just wanting my parents to get along) and being teased/bullied from elementary school on, just wanting to fit in.
I love how a lot of your videos deal with mental health, Jo. I bet a lot of people who grew up in a similar environment to you are watching this video and saying "Hey, that's me."
"I don't have to be liked by everybody" is something that can be hard to grasp, so here's my addition. What worked for me integrating this into my own head was turning it around. I don't like everyone. That's normal! And I wouldn't want those who I don't like to like me, because that would mean they'd want to be my friend, or spend time with me, and that would be miserable for everyone involved. So if you're struggling, try to turn it that way, it may help.
I kind of get it, I tend to think through how I'm articulating things a lot. I tend to think pretty bluntly and then want to express it in a way that's understandable but not offensive. Especially going through a burn out has showed me being vulnerable has tremendous power. I've seen a friend of mine respond in a way I've never imagined because I opened up. Because I was vulnerable he took notice and responded with kindness and empathy and it was so amazing. I'm also working through learning how to set boundaries with people, at work but also in my private life. It's difficult, as I've always been a pleaser but my energy is very limited so I have to pick and choose, knowing it'll cost me my energy, so I'm going to do things that make me happy.
I'm doing that too. But also, the world and my brain are moving too fast. So I usually pick one scenario or one answer... And then overthink my decision and start thinking what the other people think about it, while also thinking of what I could say or do next. In my case it isn't always avoiding conflict, but more about wanting people to like me, but being sure they won't. I'm good at reading people, but I'm even better at assuming I'm bad at reading people and they actually all hate me, dislike me or are bored by me. I see it getting worse and worse as time goes on. I keep saying I'll do something about it... I keep saying I'll do something about many things... But I don't, because the overthinking kicks in and I always get to the conclusion that I'm overreacting and it's nothing.
It's actually so encouraging to find it's not something only I do. I have been surrounded by confident (sometimes overly so) people, people who never felt living and socialising was so much work.
Normal in my opinion to think... makes a better human to use the brain. Have a good day and thank you for the videos... and the example in action for solving issues missing a limb... had a nice fall three days ago and banged my body up but seeing doctors every week to the end of the month... so tired of it. Thanks for what you do in using your brain. My amputated left leg is giving me issues after the fall this week... tramadol makes my brain not so great... at the moment. And other issues... with health. You are doing excellent in my opinion from how you handle things... wish you and your family the best Jo and all your friends.
Yes, constantly. On one hand I have my true-self, the self that can talk online to friends, and just be me. Where as my irl-self, having people see me as I talk, listen, and respond, terrifies me. I try so hard to make sure I don't say the wrong thing, to not say anything about myself, to keep who I am an absolute total secret. Even my voice is different between the two. And yes, I agree, 100% with the mask. I cannot explain how freeing it is to not have people watch me when I talk. A slight uncomfortable it seems, I just love wearing a mask!
Whoa, you can do that!? 7 different versions? I find you talented.
I don't do this to the extent you do, mainly because I never had that much energy - I just worry instead!! I love how you're practicing disconnecting from others - can you share what your new hobby is? I'm fascinated and inspired. Hugs, girl!