At school, they told my parents I should be sent to a school and learn to do carpentry, I would never be a great learner. 30 years later, I'm doing data analysis and programming at a major bank. I don't have a degree, I never got good grades. Colleagues describe me as an analytical mind. And I've gone through school and life without ambition or any clue what's happening. But it's fun. The downside : Anxiety attacks, because of lack of confidence.
Ken, I was very impressed with this. I think a lot of parents fall into the rut of talking AT their children and not to them. The kids need to know that the parent actually cares about their childs successes no matter how small at first. This world is so full of distractions that I feel the parent needs to take an active roll in keeping the ball rolling.
I find this TED presentation by Ken Christian inspirational. I am a single dad raising a young daughter (5 yrs old) who is starting to tell me she does not like school and showing signs of underachievement. I'm interested in both improving my parenting skills and also in correcting my own "underachievement" habits. I found Ken's book and I am slowly working my way through it. I find this video to be a great application of the principles in the book "Your Own Worst Enemy". Anyway, this is good stuff!
Good stuff indeed! Speaking on behalf of a girl who had parents who did not know that, I admire that you are learning about it to raise your daughter. Wish you and her all the best!
I love this, Dr. Christian. I agree that we’re not doing our kids any favor by making life easy, without consequences, with gifts simply for being (or as enticement for certain behaviors) and it certainly doesn't prepare them for the world. Many of my kids’ friends’ parents seemed most interested in being their child’s friend and they abdicated their parental role. This is a subject I am invested in and I can tell you surely are. Love with boundaries--the best recipe for happy, healthy kids!
there is a difference between putting pressure and expressing the belief that the child can succeed if it puts in required efford. speaking from experience [i was an overachiving little nerd myself] i can tell you there is something super demotivating when your success comes as a suprise to the parents or when they set low expectations for you at a start. fortunatelly i had other people in my life to tell me: well, this is going to get hard and ugly, but if you really want it, you can do it.
More than 50 years of research by Diana Baurind, Laurence Steinberg and other eminent research scientists supports what I describe in the talk. This research indicates that parents who are warm, engaged, firm, have clear limits and high demands result in children with the lowest incidence of mental health problems, lowest rates of criminality and drug use, highest school achievement, and high self-esteem. Clear guidelines and active decisive parental leadership produce clarity, not pressure.
Limits and boundaries, clearly defined. This is the base for any successful relationship, be it therapeutic, professional, familial or intimate. Strong foundations build structures that last.
Is it just me, or is the volume seriously low on this? I find this very interesting, but I can't share it with people and expect them to listen if they have to hunt down headphones or speakers and still have to silence their environment. I had to turn off the ceiling fan just to hear this.
I wish i would've have had that. I had a very confusing edgucation that is making things very dificult for me right now in college. I want to suceed but i can't seem to work on anything. I hate to admit it, but i wish someone would be more tough with me.
Very interesting, definitely something to think about. I think you can take school out of the equation, not be so stern, but make it clear all the same that you want the best for your kids.
It's true, Sharon about parents talking at their kids not to them. But there also so many cases where parents mean well but fail to give clear instructions or lapse into threats and bribes.
There are kids who don't need pushing and possibly would turn out like Einstein regardless, but what about the ones who do have the IQ and need a bit of a push. Pressure is caused by uncertainty and low self worth. Ken is pointing the way to push with love. Think how many more Einsteins we could have.
My parents did that and it still did not work. I feel smart and my life experience is of that meta. My life is constant enforcement of "you're smart and capable" I really do understand the meta of any business including the business itself (given 90 days). N!I have to jump through hoops of HR requirements. This is ineffective, It is still a meta that I resisted for whatever reasons, The speaker is saying that parents must insist "achieve or else". That doesn't work sufficiently precocious youth. There are a ton jobs and where technical skills are mandatory (doctors, lawyers, all kinds of medical and science related work), But the rest of it is easily understood to an underachiever or we can research that and "get smart" quickly. Forcing it, always created resistance or rebellion.
you know what's a big problem? people evaluate their and others' potential by intelligence. hence a big problem of underachieving creatives. a lot of low IQ creative people are underachieving tremendously and nobody addresses it. As a 32 year old who has underachieved all his life, it seems a bit late for me to do anything meaningful anymore but I'd love to see kids not fail like myself.
At school, they told my parents I should be sent to a school and learn to do carpentry, I would never be a great learner. 30 years later, I'm doing data analysis and programming at a major bank. I don't have a degree, I never got good grades. Colleagues describe me as an analytical mind. And I've gone through school and life without ambition or any clue what's happening. But it's fun. The downside : Anxiety attacks, because of lack of confidence.
Why hasn't this gone viral?
Ken, I was very impressed with this. I think a lot of parents fall into the rut of talking AT their children and not to them. The kids need to know that the parent actually cares about their childs successes no matter how small at first. This world is so full of distractions that I feel the parent needs to take an active roll in keeping the ball rolling.
I find this TED presentation by Ken Christian inspirational. I am a single dad raising a young daughter (5 yrs old) who is starting to tell me she does not like school and showing signs of underachievement. I'm interested in both improving my parenting skills and also in correcting my own "underachievement" habits. I found Ken's book and I am slowly working my way through it. I find this video to be a great application of the principles in the book "Your Own Worst Enemy". Anyway, this is good stuff!
Good stuff indeed! Speaking on behalf of a girl who had parents who did not know that, I admire that you are learning about it to raise your daughter. Wish you and her all the best!
I love this, Dr. Christian. I agree that we’re not doing our kids any favor by making life easy, without consequences, with gifts simply for being (or as enticement for certain behaviors) and it certainly doesn't prepare them for the world. Many of my kids’ friends’ parents seemed most interested in being their child’s friend and they abdicated their parental role. This is a subject I am invested in and I can tell you surely are. Love with boundaries--the best recipe for happy, healthy kids!
there is a difference between putting pressure and expressing the belief that the child can succeed if it puts in required efford. speaking from experience [i was an overachiving little nerd myself] i can tell you there is something super demotivating when your success comes as a suprise to the parents or when they set low expectations for you at a start. fortunatelly i had other people in my life to tell me: well, this is going to get hard and ugly, but if you really want it, you can do it.
I needed that! I've been an underachiever and now my son is. I'm going to listen to this every day and employ it.
your comment was 7 years ago. How are things going now?
8 years now
Nice, Ken. Beautiful.
More than 50 years of research by Diana Baurind, Laurence Steinberg and other eminent research scientists supports what I describe in the talk. This research indicates that parents who are warm, engaged, firm, have clear limits and high demands result in children with the lowest incidence of mental health problems, lowest rates of criminality and drug use, highest school achievement, and high self-esteem. Clear guidelines and active decisive parental leadership produce clarity, not pressure.
Limits and boundaries, clearly defined. This is the base for any successful relationship, be it therapeutic, professional, familial or intimate. Strong foundations build structures that last.
Is it just me, or is the volume seriously low on this? I find this very interesting, but I can't share it with people and expect them to listen if they have to hunt down headphones or speakers and still have to silence their environment. I had to turn off the ceiling fan just to hear this.
I wish i would've have had that. I had a very confusing edgucation that is making things very dificult for me right now in college. I want to suceed but i can't seem to work on anything. I hate to admit it, but i wish someone would be more tough with me.
Very interesting, definitely something to think about. I think you can take school out of the equation, not be so stern, but make it clear all the same that you want the best for your kids.
It's true, Sharon about parents talking at their kids not to them. But there also so many cases where parents mean well but fail to give clear instructions or lapse into threats and bribes.
I wish I had firm, loving parents 😢
There are kids who don't need pushing and possibly would turn out like Einstein regardless,
but what about the ones who do have the IQ and need a bit of a push. Pressure is caused by uncertainty and low self worth. Ken is pointing the way to push with love. Think how many more Einsteins we could have.
My parents did that and it still did not work. I feel smart and my life experience is of that meta. My life is constant enforcement of "you're smart and capable" I really do understand the meta of any business including the business itself (given 90 days). N!I have to jump through hoops of HR requirements. This is ineffective, It is still a meta that I resisted for whatever reasons, The speaker is saying that parents must insist "achieve or else". That doesn't work sufficiently precocious youth. There are a ton jobs and where technical skills are mandatory (doctors, lawyers, all kinds of medical and science related work), But the rest of it is easily understood to an underachiever or we can research that and "get smart" quickly. Forcing it, always created resistance or rebellion.
you know what's a big problem? people evaluate their and others' potential by intelligence. hence a big problem of underachieving creatives. a lot of low IQ creative people are underachieving tremendously and nobody addresses it. As a 32 year old who has underachieved all his life, it seems a bit late for me to do anything meaningful anymore but I'd love to see kids not fail like myself.