Stop Avoiding Red Flags
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- Опубліковано 28 сер 2024
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People treat relationships like speedruns: one mistake & it’s better to just restart, and try again for a perfect run.
That’s both a funny and a pretty accurate comparison to how many people deal in relationships.
I know this isn’t the universal experience, but I hit the reset button when it’s clear the other person isn’t interested. There’s only so many times I can get ghosted, shot down or carry an entire one-sided conversation before I start to hate myself and feel like I’m not enough. Maybe it’ll get better with time and more practice.
@@jcnot9712Imo this could be healthy except that you don’t feel good enough. That’s not good. I’ve felt that way too sometimes but the last relationship I had I had built up enough inherent confidence from things I accomplished and from having both male and female friends, whom I could talk to about whatever, that when I got broken up with, I felt a bit bad and told her I felt bad but then in a week I let it go. And it felt like the best thing ever. Bc I’m free now lol. Although I’m probably not going to even search for dates for a while. I don’t really like that whole process tbh
@@keegster7167 that’s good that you got friends to vent about this stuff. I can’t really talk to anyone about this ‘cause of mental blocks from growing up religious. I feel like I’m sinning even from admitting I like a girl, despite leaving most of that religious stuff behind. I think as much as I hate the process, I do have the desire to put myself out there again. Heck, I might even try with the same person if she shows any change or initiative. It just hurts too much to be alone all the time, even as I’m improving my healthy solitude habits.
It’s like the Doctor said in some other video (forget which one), that people today have less tolerance for when things don’t go their way.
Expecting perfection from your partner immediately is a red flag of its own.
Say it louder for the millenials in the back 😫📢
@@adxmnt1926it isn't just a millennial problem though lmao
@@adxmnt1926I dont think it's just a millennial problem dude lmao
I just want someone that wont cheat bruh.
@@slamkam07yeah I immediately thought of gen z, not millennials lmao
Red Flag should be a term for something dangerous or really toxic. Not just a bad trait.
Red flags should be treated as just that; a flag. Flags are pretty much just meant to mean: “Hey! Look this way! This is important!” Someone refusing to look at their own red flags when they’re brought up to them is the biggest red flag of all.
It is. He misuses it here.
Yeah I do not like this short at all it’s horrible advice because some red flags you should indeed run from. You can’t conflict resolve abusive situations like what the heck.
I mean that’s how I’ve been using them this whole time. Red flags are like “oh, that was kinda racist wtf” or “wow they’re straightup trying to isolate me from my friends”, not smaller menial stuff
True, but that's the way the majority of people are using the term today.
It's important to define non-negotiable red flags.
It's also really stupid that we've changed the meaning of red flags to include pink, yellow, orange, and white ones too. Now red flag just means "a complaint" or "perceived flaw" or "difference".
exactly! A RED flag is: pathological lying, violence & verbal abuse, addiction, and the like. What he probably means is a yellow flag, at the most an orange flag.
@@futuza yes! Exactly!
yes.. drugs, alcohol abuse, years of unemployment, and personality disorders. If you can spot them early, it can save you so much trouble
It’s also important to know WHAT’S an actual important non negotiable and that can only be fixed by gaining better values. Many people value shallow things and make those shallow things non negotiable’s. Then they assume it can’t change but they can absolutely upgrade it and change it but they must realize its problems first! It’s not shallow to demand your significant other to be in a healthy and fit body because fitness is absolutely important and there are countless problems that come with weight gain. It’s not shallow to make that a non negotiable, it’s just a hard truth of life. A shallow non negotiable would actually be someone who’s not high vibes all the time or someone who says the wrong thing here and there because they have little filter(That should also be appreciated because at least you know they won’t be lying to you!).
Some red flags you should 100% run away from though. Narcissism, gaslighting, unwillingness to reciprocate, cheated in past relationships... RUN.
1000%
1000000% and body count Also
Beating....
@@SupreemeSteevee Oh, you.
That was the lesson from my last relationship 👍🏼
Now I'm smarter and be more conscious about people's words and actions.
It genuinely depends on the red flag. If someone is showing abusive traits, yes please leave. It only gets worse.
just like I thought. I heard about "red flags" as abusive behaviours, not imperfections of other person. I also believe that we need to learn to differentiate what kind of "red flags" are we spotting. If this is someone's mistake and we have the expectation that they have to be perfect, then we have to learn to talk it out with them (it might be our "red flag" too!). but if it's some sort of abusive or toxic behaviour, and the person gaslight you and doesn't want to change? then run for the hills. as someone Who's learning to detect red flags and face the problems with people, it looks like to have a thin line between those.
Yeah but I think that’s implied most of the time, I think the only people who would argue against that are those alpha male podcast who hate divorce
This is what my issue is with the red flag crowd. They’ve determined every little character flaw to be indicative of some grave underlying “dark triad” trait lying dormant, destined to nuke the entire relationship. It’s one thing to leave someone who’s displaying a pattern of abusive behavior and no interest in changing it. It’s another to pick up on something small, blow it up to something big, and then attack the person or refuse to bring it up with them.
Difference between red flags and yellow flags
@@trekrl2327 it is important to discern. However many in abusive relationships are dismissed and gaslit and so understanding the differences is crucial. Some red flags point to a dangerous dynamic. Some point to something that can be remedied and some are projections of inner wounding.
I think people nowadays tend to misuse the term “red flag”
People will call a small pet peeve or something a red flag when that’s not how the term originates. In racing, a red flag means you stop where you are, no matter what. Go no further. Something that means “slow down and proceed with caution because there may be trouble ahead” would be a yellow flag, which is a term people actually used to use sometimes before it got phased out and replaced with the red flag/green flag dichotomy.
Someone not rinsing their dishes before putting them in the sink is a yellow flag. Someone kicking a puppy while on a walk is a red flag.
Exactly
I've seen similar things with a lot of ideas on the internet, they get simplified into a dichotomy when its far more complicated that that
What would a black flag be in relationships? 🤣
@@mitchellcouchman1444Pirates! They come to steal your girlfriend.
A black flag is for when something has ended the relationship.
You can imagine.
You're right. Someone who's 5 min late one time isn't a red flag.
I think the reason is because there are so many toxic people out there that we're getting sick of it and going too far the other direction.
Also toxic people use projection, which accuses someone else of doing what they aren't, but the accuser actually does.
I think the main difference between a red flag and an imperfection is the willingness to accept that we have this flaw and work to change it, and also the severity of it.
Red flags are things that are toxic and the person generally won't admit to or change.
I dated girls who had red flags, but when I brought them up they would get angry or gaslight me. With my current partner, she listened to the issues I had and we worked on them or we talked it out and I realized I had some incorrect assumptions about her due to the red flags I had. It was the same with me, I resolved some of my personal red flags because she pointed them out and explained how they were making her feel. No one is perfect, you just need to find someone who is willing to be better.
Or at least have open conversations - because assumptions that resolving your red flags with someone will make them better is a bit of a red flag. That assumes what you’re seeing as a red flag in that person is correct. You may be who is wrong.
@@Maevelikeschampagneeven if you are wrong about what you’re seeing as a red flag, things still tend to work better with people who want to be better
Were those red flags or something you didn't like about them?
This is a great way of putting it!
So when you pointed out her red flags, it turned out you were wrong and it was actually your fault, and when she pointed out your red flags she was right and you worked on them? She trained you well 😂
(And yes I am joking...)
My husband and I both Had red flags draped around our necks. But we're cut from the same cloth, And understood each other's problems, gave each other a strict list of expectations, accepted each other's faults, And built a bond of love and understanding. And I will love this man until the day I die.
That's me and my husband too. We're very different in a lot of ways and you'd think that'd make us incompatible. But like you said, we're cut from the same cloth. We relate very deeply to each other's cores, and understand each other's traumas in a way that nobody else does.
But if one of you wanted to change the other instead of accepting their own faults, it would suddenly stop working.
It's really important what kind of behavior we are identifying as a "red" flag🤔
"And I will love this man until the day I die." Sorry but you cannot forsee the future
@@raphaelmaciel9773it always changes eventually
To me red flags are things like:
- abusing animals
- never taking any responsibility
- cheated in all previous relationships/ promiscuous
- non-empathetic/cruel
- making offensive “jokes”
Etc.
I’m not going to date anyone if they display any of these signs early on. That would be a major waste of time.
I totally agree 👍🏼
What's offensive is subjective though.
@@Horrortelltales I know. Maybe hurtful and mean is a better description. When a man often makes jokes that would actually hurt the people he’s joking about, it’s a red flag. You can make jokes in good faith (we all laugh together) or in bad faith (we are all laughing at this one person who’s ugly/fat/stupid/sick/has cancer).
Great ones.
Damn, maybe I AM the problem…
It depends what sort of red flags these are, specific red flags SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED
You're absolutely right, but Dr. K actually addresses this in one of his videos on the topic, he says that obviously things like verbally/physically abusive behaviour are an exception to this. That said, when people refer to "red flags" nowadays, 90% of the time it's either trivial bullshit or just character flaws or disagreements that can be worked out relatively easily.
Also he doesn't say to "ignore" any red flags, but to address them and try to fix them to see how well you can work with this person to problem solve. Even if their red flag(s) is a minor thing, if you can't talk to them about it and work through it together, chances are the relationship isn't gonna last. You can have a successful relationship between imperfect people, but you can't have a successful relationship if either (or both) of you refuse to admit and work on those imperfections.
the red flags themselves are information and can even be false positives. it's up to you how you handle information, accordingly.
list them off. go ahead 🙂
@@samu-chancheating on previous partners, abusive to previous partners, drug addiction are just a few off the top of my head.
@@SadMeganewhat do you mean they can be false positives.
I think people are mistaking red flags with flaws. Flaws is something everyone has. Red flags is something that goes way beyond flaws and SHOULD make you run away. Your partner not putting down the seat when they're done is a flaw. Them trying to isolate you from your friends and family while gaslighting you is a red flag.
Yes, but part of his point is about addressing how, especially online, many people like to portray flaws as red flags. The video does a better job with the nuance a short will just never be able to give
RED flags are meant to be used as a way to indicate "STOP"... Flaws are more like YELLOW flags, which you can work on with your partner - and should!
@@AtoZthymeModern usage aka Colloqialisms determine a words definition for the majority. A lot of people are too lazy and/or ignorant to understand and use the literal definition. For a short like this it's far easier to convey the message with the colloquial usage in mind to an audience that will generally understand the colloquial usage of the term and use that as the frame of reference for what the intent of the message is.
@@yamispadeI think the problem is that there are competing colloquial usages. "Red flag" has historically meant an indicator of a severe problem, whereas in this context it's used in the same way as "flaw". Dr. K's advice is good with respect to the latter, but is questionable with respect to the former.
This is probably the wisest comment I've ever read on relationships, and I'm not saying this lightly ❤
This is exactly why open, honest communication is SO important to a relationship
So true, if you have that you can almost overcome any obstacle in a relationship!
TY 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 This is why everyone is so ALONE! Not just in romantic relationships but friendships, business partnerships etc. No one is learning how to resolve conflict anymore! We all just run, ghost, avoid, or shut down! Its so sad! 😢
My husband and I had a ton of red flags at first. We slowly worked through every one. Maybe there’s still a red flag somewhere but we’re happy and going on 10 years.
can't work through her past. can't undo a high bodycount
@@topy706then date someone else?? no one is holding you down or forcing you to degrade her
@@topy706but you can work on your perception and why a partner with life experience is a problem to you. Not every "red flag" is on the other person.
And if you are not willing to work with your inner self you can always part away and end the relationship.
Nobody should be with someone that doesn't make them feel comfortable and happy.
as a below average / average man you will always be at the mercy of your partner. she will simply move on to another man if you can't meet her demands anymore@@SweetSallyRadio
@@SweetSallyRadio I wouldn't call a high body count, or even a non-virgin, "life experience."
You people love to be deceptive and change words around knowing it's a subtle yet huge difference.
Your "life experience" is broken hearts and damaged mental states. And a cloth that's been used up and made dirty.
If you asked for a napkin and I hand you a used up dirty napkin, you wouldn't want that would you?
If you came out of the shower and I handed you a dirty, used towel, you'd get angry at me.
Your switching of words is like me calling it a "towel seasoned with life" instead of a dirty towel.
No one wants a dirty towel.
By the way, your resume MUST sound amazing! Key word, sound. 😂
True, me and my gf always make sure not to end the day with us mad at each other...idk if thats relevant but we manage to talk it out most of the time
That is indeed relevant. When you talk it out that is actually exactly conflict resolution as you come to a resolution. Good job to the both of you!
Depends on the person. People recover emotionally in different paces and having a deadline to "get out" of that state and engage in conflict resolution (which requires a cool head and attitude) can bring more harm than good.
I had this problem when my ex asked the same; while I understand her intent, it was simply unattainable to me given the condition I was in (Overexhausted with college, preparing for a tournament, etc.).
A happy medium I found is that I need to establish to my partner(s) that whatever happens, we can always talk about it. That underlying belief has made my other relationships more stable in the sense that we aren't not afraid to air out any grievances we have.
Putting a time limit on resolving an argument is idiotic imo. Sometimes approaching the issue when you both cool off is way more ideal than just trying to find a way to get past the conflict so you can go to sleep. The pressure to fix things quickly can also lead you to making fake apologies and fake acceptance rather than approaching the conflict on your own timeline. If it works for you that's great, but it's not really related to the video.
@@skoparweaver7692there's a difference between not being angry and not agreeing.
How often are you both mad at each other if this is a rule you need to set😂
Some red flags you can't just fix by discussing about them.
Right and that would be a good indicator you won't work as a couple.
I feel there are problems with defining what a red flag is.
Nowadays, it seems that anything and everything that doesn't gel is considered a red flag.
My understanding of red flag is a behaviour/attitude that clearly alerts you are dealing with someone dangerous / unhealthy, therefore toxic and unmanageable.
You do want to run away from that.
Such as
@topiastuomisto death threats, violent responses, constant deceit, haves you doubt yourself constantly (gaslighting), won't take responsibility, or ever say is sorry. Those are some examples.
any signs of a cluster B personality disorder @@topiastuomisto
Some red flags are too red to ignore
Violence… pathological lying… yea there’s some red flags you should run for the hills and never look back.
He's saying to not ignore and to address
It's not about ignoring, it's about resolving. Talk to your partner, listen to their response, decide, what you, as a couple can do to improve
Oh, btw, if your partner is a serial killer, then yeah, that's a red flag, probably shouldn't get too close to them lol
@@vladroll2607But that's the thing. Once you found out, it's too late as you're his latest victim.
Unfortunately most people are reluctant to change, they don't even see their red flags as something that needs to change or can be changed
Then that is the Red Flag😤 Just turn around and get back on the freeway! If there's no drive to be better, I feel like that'll be exhausting to deal with. Especially if you're able to become better yourself
You are describing everyone, not only the worst of us. It is very hard for ANYONE to recognize their own traits in an unbiased manner, maybe impossible. Good luck though to those people, because self-awareness of a certain aspect of yourself is the first step to improve it if you find yourself wanting that. I understand that MOST people don't see the wrong in themselves and therefore don't feel like they need to improve. Like the comment above me said, you have to do you in that situation. But at the end of the day don't pretend like it is so easy to recognize the flaws in yourself... Even if (I'd dare say especially) someone else is pointing them to your face.
@@kevin_dasilva I'd argue that it is easy to see those changes or flaws.
People just do not want to face them or they try to bury them. A vast majority of humans aren't honest, man. With others or with themselves.
That's why I believe it's best to leave that person behind. You can't close the gap if you're the one continuing to go back for that person. They need to come up to you.
It's easy to see it, but "old habits die hard," right? Consistent, day to day, changes need to begin. I'd say THAT is the hard part. However, them trying is already enough indication of "I want to change my ways and reduce my flaws." Therefore, in my opinion, it's worth it to stick around. PROVIDED it's enough progress to make it worth it.
(Only felt the need to say this with how you believe the original comment was "pretending." Maybe even with my comment as well. Regardless, I'm outta here! Have a good one and don't let anyone hold you back😊 I'm not assuming so, but I just think that's good advice!)
Agree...that "broken" people also need healing rather than being left always.
There’s one red flag you definitely shouldn’t ignore.
Them being total assholes to random people.
That’s when you run.
That’s someone who apparently thinks it is okay to ruin someone’s day.
That is someone who will behave that way to you too whenever there’s an argument.
My definition of a red flag is a sign of abusive tendencies (eg someone who gets violent when told no), so I'm fine not staying in those relationships.
Differences of opinions, occasional conflicts, mismatched relationship goals, those are just things to discuss and decide whether or not they are important enough that they're non-negotiable for me. They're not red flags.
there's a big difference between red flags (presumptions of bad behavior), and evidence of said behavior
Red flags should be confirmed, and if they actually have those issues, then it's better to leave
I'd say lying all the time is a redflag. It might be harmless sometimes but it's a flag that will absolutely prove the relationship to fail.
I'd say not licking the yoghurt of the foil lid is a huge red flag
Think that’s more of a sign of a unhealthy relationship.
The red flag in the video isn’t specific. It’s more about finding a compromise or understanding. If you come into a relationship with some non-negotiables I hope for the other person involved you bring these up early. Also think coming into a relationship with a nonnegotiable mindset is the same as putting a expiration date the said relationship.
and of course, being married is a black flag
Hmmmm I agree with conflict resolution over icks (trivial stuff) or incompatibility. But, my red flags are abuse or abusive tendencies. I witness too many female relatives and female cousins/friends in abusive relationships. I’m not staying, falling in love, and god forbid marry and/or procreate with an abuser. I’d say the same to men too. The longer you stay and build with one the harder it is to get out.
One big red flag is when people have names for everything like red flag or ick. It's a clear sign this person spends most of their time on the internet.
lol that's literally everyone @@tommuller849
@@tommuller849that wouldnt be a red flag then, thats just something that annoys you. A red flag is literally supposed to be reserved for predictors of abuse.
@@nataliearciniega2103
What are these predictors of abuse? Near as I can tell, if she has an ex, he is an abuser. That seems to be how it works. The guy is cool till they split, and then he is a loser and an abuser.
@@firstandforemost87 another thing is, sometimes ppl ARE cool, nobody shows their true colors right away. How do you know they didn't split BECAUSE they saw the signs?
This is such a good point about red flags. If you don't at least examine it and just run away the moment it comes up, it's like leaving a concert the moment you hear one faint sour note. That's not giving it much of a chance, is it? It says more about the person running away if it's so early on. "Pause and discuss the red flag" is such good advice. Thank you for reminding me, because I'm just out of a painfully toxic relationship, and I had vowed that if I met a new person, I would run away the moment I see the slightest red flag. Thank you for helping me realize that's actually not healthy or fair. I need to fully heal first before I even consider dating again though, there's no question about that...
Good for you doing your healing and learning from your past. Hope it pays off with somebody better in the future. 👋
That is what introspection means
There’s red flags and red flags.
Having a tendency to leave a mess everywhere is one thing, but having a personality disorder that makes taking accountability impossible for them is a red flag worth running from
This is good advice, but I would add that a lot of people have been taught from a young age that they have to persevere in relationships, even when they’re unhappy. Sometimes abusers will use “don’t give up” as a way to coerce their partner to stay. It’s important to learn conflict resolution, but telling people to ignore red flags has a lot of potential to be very dangerous.
Very true, but also keep in mind some red flags should be avoided regardless. Some people don’t actually care about you and they’re not worth resolving issues with.
Agreed, I believe the three big ones are lying, cheating, and/or abuse.
I feel that.
A child they don't want anything to do with.
Red Flag.
Spent time in a penitentiary for violent crime.
Red Flag.
Casually offering human meat at your first Thanksgiving meal with the family.
Red Flag.
Makes major life decisions based on star signs and pseudoscience.
Red Flag.
The term red flag gets thrown around so much that it already lost all meaning. For me a red flag is a serial cheater or a drug addict, not whatever thing that gives anxiety to zoomers this week
@@marcelomarcelo514a red flag is an indicator that a particular behaviour is symptomatic of a larger underlying problem. That's the actual definition and that's still what most people refer to. For example, someone who hurries to hide their phone from you every single time you walk in the room and refuses to let you see what they're doing, or someone who has never said anything directly homophobic but is uncomfortable seeing two gay dudes holding hands and doesn't like talking about LGBT topics. Someone who is literally a drug addict doesn't need to be labelled a red flag.
@@richardmccabe2392 how the F a heroin addict isn't a red flag? My goodness what an easy life You had until now
If a red flag can be worked on, then it's not a red flag. It's a yellow.
Edit: the way I see it. Everything comes in 3s. In this case, it's green, yellow, red. Just like traffic lights throughout the entire world. These 3 colors serve universally as go, caution, and stop. If you have a different opinion as to what label to use and want to use different terms, it doesn't matter beyond having an understandable conversation. The point is that everyone using red flag for EVERYTHING is causing confusion and making people cut relationships too early and not understand conflict resolution without violence.
That's what I was going to post.
Yes... but also, the term red flag is actively being overused to include yellow flags.
(And that's without talking about checklist people... but he did cover that elsewhere)
Dr K's point is that some people are too quick to give up on others the moment something goes wrong. If that is your mentality then you will be single forever because everyone you meet has something wrong with them.
But a red flag is just a warning sign, not a dealbreaker. Because that's called a... dealbreaker.
@@Novenae_CCG and that's exactly why terms end up getting overused. Because even "dealbreaker" is still at the discretion of the person. And some person need to learn that a dealbreaker *should be* abusive persons (abuse of any kind) not just "he has some trauma"
Relationships are honestly unpredictable. I worked trough our red flags with my bf, thought we really listened to each other and truly believed we were setting our love on a strong base. Then he got murdered cheating on me.
I know either way trying to do things the best way possible for both will always have a higher chance of succeding, just pointing out that things can go either way no matter how good you were and its not your fault.
he got murdered while cheating on you??
@@LimeCoookie Yeah, he was found in a motel, went out with someone from a dating app.
@@GrEaTvIdGirL Damn. sorry you had to go through that. you're right though, it's not your fault.
@@LimeCoookie thank you for your words
Damn, I'm sorry about that. Did you see prior to this tragic event happening, any discordance between his words and actions?
Red flags like substance abuse and wandering eyes must never be overlooked.
I think my definition of "red flag" must be different.
Yeah you can define it as physical abuse or isolating you from family, but how most people use it he's right. people tend to use red flag rather loosely.
Same haha. Going along with this though I think one version of a true red flag to me is when the person acts badly while I'm trying to resolve the conflict with them. Like maybe the person said something kinda disrespectful to me for example and I call them out on it and I just say something like "That kind of hurt my feelings" and then they get all defensive and they say more disrespectful things instead of actually saying they're sorry or doing anything else to try to work together with me to resolve the conflict. That's when I really know something's wrong though sometimes the thing they did in the first place is bad enough
@@oi-nf9uztechnically the definition of a red flag is just a warning sign. Anything can be a red flag to anyone
There is ACTUAL red flags, like warrant for arrest for domestic abuse of immediate previous ex, Rape allegations/Sexual Assault convictions, and maybe even being in a whole ass other relationship.
And then there are "ick" red flags.....like color of his car or whether or not they have an iphone or an android
I believe the good doctor is referring to "ick" red flags.
@@imXenoidI think you have it backwards. “Technically” a yellow flag is a warning sign. A red flag is a hazard sign and means “stop immediately”
His definition of red flag seems to be different to the standard definition. A red flag is a, warning sign of someone toxic, dangerous, abusive. Its not a minor incompatibility that can be worked through.
Edit: By standard definition I am referring to the definition established by the domestic abuse recovery communities both online and offline. A red flag is a sign of an abuser, not a slightly annoying or incompatible person.
I have seen people call "doesnt clean the dishes" or "has a lot of female friends" as red flags... these are what others are defining red flags as.. there is no standard definition
@@jacoL8 The term came from the narcissistic/domestic abuse survivor communities online where a red flag signified a sign of an abuser or a seriously dysfunctional, toxic person. Like many things it has unfortunately been co opted by the mainstream who now overuse it (alongside the word narcissist) to mean 'someone or something I don't like.' People should always walk away from genuine red flags which are not the same thing as annoyances, differences of opinions, differing habits or lifestyles or even incompatibilities. Someone can be totally incompatible with another person but they both might be good people with no red flags.
Exactly. Things like that literally put you in danger, that’s WHY it’s called that. It means warning of impending danger….people do misuse popular terms but just like gaslighting, there’s a correct usage. They’re also called red flags cause they shouldn’t be ignored~~ but i think what he’s referring to is regular relationship conflict. I wish he’d given real examples. :/
Ok I am not the only one that got baffled cause I thought this too. Red flag as in danger not the dramatized over simplification everyone keeps doing these days.
The point is trying. If you try and straighten it out and the other party resists and turns it on you, THEN you know it's time to run for the hills. But before that, you haven't tried, you haven't seen if this person can be worked with to resolve things, which is the most important part.
Good advice. I think a lot of people needed to hear that.
I needed to hear this without realising
A lot of people are stupid
Yes i think thats a great way to look at it! If your partner cant grow and work through problems in the beginning then its a sign it won't last. Dont just run as soon as there is a red flag because if you can resolve and grow with them, then its a sign you could have a healthy relationship. ❤
Doctor K is SO good. He explains everything so well
This is so encouraging because it is more forgiving for both partners. Red flags imply there is room to work with vs something that is a deal breaker.
Love you comment! Giving the relationship a grace-gap, to allow compassion and patience towards each other, in order to get to the underlying cause. Before it avalanches into a breakup.
Red flags imply that there's no way to fix that without damaging your mental health. Run.
"My date showed up and told me to hold on because he was getting a call from a drug dealer"
"My date never wants to meet in public places or ones with security cameras"
"My date told me that I'm 15 years older than all of his previous girlfriends"
I could come up with a lot of different ones that don't fit in what this guy said
This guy just said to not ditch a person for not being perfect
a red flag is a possible sign of deeply troubling things. It doesnt mean there is always room to work with it, it means you need to be very alert and confirm wether or not it pointing to something toxic
This hurts, as I was recently broken up with over what her brother and parents saw as red flags (Mild Autism, deafness, not being as outdoorsy as she is). It's been a week - We were strong and communicative until the end, but, her Dad said she should look elsewhere. I can't blame her family for wanting the best for her.
I've been told to rest easy, as I did everything right but I miss her all the same.
Then she wasn’t the person for you, bullet dodged. Does she also ask for permission from her family while using the washroom, what dress to wear, before engaging in coitus with you. She wasn’t capable and strong enough to take her own decisions, she has much growing to do, and you do not want constant interference from her family in matters that are honestly your shit.
It’s all about priority. She didn’t love you enough, or she isn’t capable of loving anyone enough to reduce outside forces trying to cause a rift. Her family is of higher priority, you deserve better man.
Sucks :/
You do not deserve to be with someone unwilling to fight for you or your relationship. As deep as your sorrow is now, I know from experience that it would only be worse if you had founds a way to stick it out with someone who /will not/.
You’re in my thoughts, and I wish for your pain to be fully felt and to then melt away, and soon.
It’s possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness, deficiency or whatever that brings you low from this. That is life. That said, you do deserve better. There is someone out there that will love and accept you for who and what you are.
Big warm hugs, from the invisible woman. 🤗🤗
Some red flags are irreconcilable
Ehh... generally most of the time it's that some red flags are not worth the time, energy, and pain that would be necessary to reconcile them. Very few people are really truly incapable of change, most are just so simply far off that they're not worth dating at the moment. Eg: the heroin addict is probably not worth dating in the midst of their addiction, but it doesn't mean they can't ever change, quit, turn their life around, etc. it's just not your burden to assist with that or try to date while that's a thing.
@@futuza💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
💯💯 conflict resolution including compromise, really listen, really acknowledge and putting in the effort to resolve the problem
Thank you this is such a mature mindset.
Wish I could send this to the guy I had a falling out with 😭 We had such a strong connection, but sometimes I didn’t like how he communicated with me a certain way so I was upfront about it and it scared him off I guess. He was perfect besides that one (although something I valued) tick and I WANTED to work through it. Which is why I wanted to address it early on :(. This broke my heart. I wish people this day and age weren’t so used to giving up so easily. I don’t think you should claim you’re the type of person to go all in, or claim you love someone, if you aren’t willing to fight for them a little bit. If they only stick around for the easy, good times, theyre not the one. Huge pill to swallow. At least for me.
This comment section is awesome I really like how people are acknowledging that some things can be worked out while also acknowledging that there are reasons to definetely not stay in a relationship and there are people who just can't or don't want to work things out and those are people to avoid. I also think the word "red flag" originally meant actually big signs of an actual abuse pattern, such as over-the-top acts of affection that often serve to draw the victim in too close too soon and isolate them (love-bombing) or treating people who they perceive as "beneath them" badly (rude to the food server) or many other things that have been established by researchers as true signs of serious abuse and those researchers can clearly define what those signs look like.
Do you have the name of the research or any link? I like reading those kind of articles
@@cielopacheco4315 Dr. Ramani Durvasula is good especially her book "Don't You Know Who I Am?"
@@cielopacheco4315 I second this id love to read the research 😊
Red flags aren't the problem. It's how you or the person react to them being brought up. If there is open and honest conversation, plus proof of change and growth after the talk, great.
If everyone gets defensive, blame shifting occurs, and there isn't a willingness to learn, compromise, or grow. Then it's time to go.
There ya go ... Well said.
I'd say that your 2nd to last sentence is the only real red flag, the others are just yellow caution flags.
@@futuza Agreed.
So needed to hear this!
Exactly. It's not about whether you have red flags but it's about whether you are willing and capable of getting rid of them.
I don't think it's a coincidence though that most peopleyou meet who can do it have fewer red flags than people who are unwilling/not determined to change.
People don't want to change, and rarely want to resolve any problem in their relationships. That's why red flags can be a good indicator to walk away.
This is my system:
Red flags - Toxic behaviour, things I just can't get along with.
Yellow flags - Things that could be red (or green) flags in certain contexts, and usually things that can be resolved somehow.
Green flags - Things that are either just plain harmless or actively draws me in (in a good way).
How do you feel about purple flags?
@@futuza what are those?
i need you to elaborate more on your red flags. "things i just cant get along with" like.. opinions? hot takes? mannerisms?
@@fwop7436 Things like "they are x height" or "they have y colored eyes" or "they are z profession", and should have nothing to do with your ability to get along with them.
@@kaoru288 nah I see most of what you mention being yellow flags.
If they bring up the hottest of takes first time they meet my friends and make a big deal out of it - that's a red flag.
Having hot takes that they find interesting or bring up as a point of discussion, that's the kind of plurality that shows maturity of mind, even if I don't agree with the hot take.
But if your partner has too many red flags or serious ones it is still a good idea to leave that relationship.
At that point, you're playing Minesweeper...
Overcoming hardships together strenghtens bonds.
YES - SOMEONE TALKING SENSE!!! LOVE THIS!!! ❤️❤️❤️
In all things in life, you will know you're on the right path not when the road ahead is clear of hazards, but when you can clearly see the hazards, and adjust how you walk accordingly.
Eggshelling
I think there's a difference between a red flag and a flaw, and even for those things that are red flags you may be able to work through them, but they should be kept in mind and may be a sign that the relationship won't work out. Eg liking different music isn't a red flag, but having a different core value is and you need to decide how much work to put in to trying to fix or correct for that flag
Deal-breaking flag: abuse
NOT a deal-breaking flag: minor arguement/forgot your favourite fruit
Forgetting your favorite fruit is not a flag of any kind
only one of those things is a red flag
@@austinschmidt8228I think it's more "accidentally on purpose forgetting your favourite fruit", which most definitely is.
Agreed. I think a lot of it boils down to the fact that people aren’t willing to work through problems any more, whether it’s their own or their partners’, people generally aren’t as committed to each other in that regard. Of course, I don’t speak for everyone, but you get the point. A lot of folks are either traumatized or emotionally damaged to the point to where they can’t rationalize red flags as fixable issues, and rather reminders of their trauma or emotional pain, making it difficult to understand them. It just depends on the couple or relationship in general. I agree though. A true, healthy relationship requires compromise and an understanding of imperfection.
Yes 💯 reflect inward.
Cheating or abusiveness is not a red flag to ignore. Being bad with money, or too lazy to work, or entitled are not red flags to ignore. Not replacing the toilet paper roll or not filling the dishwasher properly are red flags to ignore. These are things adults shouldn't need to be told.
I feel like being bad with money is one that has levels. Like having a crippling gambling addiction, sure, gtfo. But if they spend a little too much in a particular interest or just haven't been educated on how to save, that could be fixed.
@@franciscoferraz6788 That's not for a spouse to do. Spouses are not parents. It is not for them to "teach" the other person how to live. That creates a parent/child dynamic that is gross.
@@tjturner3916 how is helping the person you are with to become better, a "gross parent/child dynamic" ? It's okay to make the person you're with, a better person all around. It has nothing to do with parents or children...
@@franciscoferraz6788 If you think that men are supposed to raise women and teach them how to be adults, that is clearly a parent/child dynamic.
@@tjturner3916 who said anything about men or women? This can be from any gender to any gender.
This happened to a friend though, she continued to date an abusive guy and they did conflict resolution. My friend is dead, got killed by her partner.
Really!? That is horrible! Those were real red flags then. :(
Sorry for what happened to ur friend
I'm so sorry
I was like your friend only I'm not dead. I watched videos about dating, red flags, successful relationships and all they said was "be sexy, never depend on them, stay fit, please them and surprise them. If your partner cheats, work together, if they're not doing chores, communicate, if they see friends of the other sex don't be insecure and LIE. Tell them you're happy for them and cry when they close the door. Trust them and don't leave because you'd be coward that wants an easy life and doesn't live in reality."
I swear those were the messages from the videos I watched, I internalised that and I guess it helped me to obey, ignore red flags and tolerate abuse until I was dead inside.
@@Blabou I'm sorry I hope things will get better for you
@@joanandersen4351 Thank you, still suffering from the long lasting effects of the but getting better
So glad you said this. This is what bothers me most about the modern dating scene. You feel like you're walking on a tightrope where if you take one foot of the narrow line of what you can and can't be to that person, you're immediately dismissed as a terrible person not worth dating instead of having some kind of discussion as to what can be done. I'm willing to bet most of the people that dismiss others over "red flags" aren't particularly good people themselves either.
They desperatly looking fir the perfection in others people, that they presumably Lack themselves.
Dude your content is so spot on
It's a compromise and learning to respect boundaries. Dont lose yourself.
Red Flag isnt a bad trait...
Red flag is defined as "reason to instantly leave the relationship"
No it's not. Red flag is a common idiom/metaphor that's not exclusive to dating. It just means "hey this is cause for concern".
@@BoredDan7 Then your definition is different than mine
@nyChannel09
It's almost like languages are dynamic and have been for thousands of years.
Learn history, please.
@@BoredDan7It is now, cause y'all keep changing the definitions of words by exaggerating everything you say. Originally it never meant flaw/something I dislike, but alas, we're there now. What phrase will get beat up and turned inside out next? Find out next year in "Linguistic Drift! Where you've never felt more like an old person."
@@futuza Nah, dude red flag always meant a warning to look out for, long before it was ever used to talk about relationships.
some red flags are fixable, some aren't, some people with red flags are open to improvement, some aren't. I also get the impression that many people now are looking for qualifications instead of a person they will love. if you don't love them of course you'll leave them at the first sign of inconvenience.
If it's flexible is not a red flag
That is such an interesting way of putting it. Wow. Never heard this before let alone thought about it.
That’s true people are human and they have their flaws and in a healthy relationship you create a safe space for each other to grow. Keeping in mind that when the hard times come this is the true evaluation, how you handle arguments, how you treat each other through hardships is so important.
This is so true. No one is perfect in every way. It’s about conflict solving talking and giving each other chances to develop themselves.
"Stop avoiding Red flags"
-The supreme Red flag-
"I can fix her" is now canon
Me looking at her 27 red flags: is that a challenge?
One key red flag I look for in friendships and relationships is how people take responsibility for their actions and words. Especially when an apology is in order
Sometimes people say stuff like "it's not my fault if someone gets offended over what I said". That means they're not willing to take responsibility
If a person won't take responsibility, you'll never truly resolve any conflict
This needs way more likes. This is the fundamental trait I look for. If people have to be backed Into a corner or exposed before they can apologize they’re not mature enough for a serious relationship.
"it's not my fault if someone gets offended over what I said" is the worst example of what your trying to describe.
All people need to do is 'be offended' by something and now that person has total power over the other person. Context is needed, was the thing being said actually threatening or what is some innocuous statement?
@@DynoStorm communication is a two way street. If you're not willing to accept that something you do or say can affect others, that it can possibly be your fault that someone doesn't want to talk to you, then your presence is unnecessary and not beneficial. That's the point
It depends what they’re getting offended over though too many people these days get offended by the smallest of things. I’ll take responsibility if what I said was truly over the line, or if they show and say it truly hurt them, because my goals in life aren’t to be a jerk and be mean. But if I’m saying something I know to be true and factual and they just don’t want to hear it then I won’t apologize for what i said cause I meant it. And if I know it’s coming from a place of love not meanness. And I’ll work on explaining it in a toned down way. But we aren’t inherently responsible for others feelings and actions merely our own. If I mean what I say I say it.
When the camera turned away from the speaker, that was a damn moment. Bro has two men 100% engaged with his conversation. Damn. When you got that affect on others, Respect my brother🙏 🙌
This made me cry.
But you need to have priorities, some red flags are irreconcilable
I spoke to a psychiatrist once & he was a massive red flag tbh
Was he also 9 feet tall and asked for tree fiddy?
lmao overgeneralizing much?
@@athens31415 no he was just like this guy, projecting his own stuff into the conversation
@@saneman7177 I dunno that it was much of a 'conservation' as I made a single simple reference joke and that was the only reply you got until athens31415 showed up. But sure, let's call it a conversation.
@@saneman7177gaslighting a psychiatrist is the most evil thing i read today
Last red flags I ignored because my friends told me to “give them the benefit of the doubt”…. Turns out my ex had bpd, discarded me out of the blue and then tried to ruin my life because I wouldn’t pursue her after the discard 🙃🙃🙃…. Some red flags you just can’t paint pink and expect sunshine and rainbows 😂
Discarding and ruining life afterwards is npd speciality, not bpd.
@@nothingthere3959 you do know that people with bpd more often than not have NPD as well. But it isn’t so common for people with NPD to have bpd… I know that because I have been recovering from the psychological abuse that came along with the relationship. So unless you have spent the last 3 months studying about NPD AND BPD EVERY SINGLE DAY then talk your shit poo 😊
@@nothingthere3959 In no way am I saying I’m an expert but I’m not gana “matter a fact” a person that went through abuse, that’d make me an asshole don’t ya think?
@@nothingthere3959 she’s also diagnosed…. Like a real psychiatrist DIAGNOSED her. It’s not my educated guess. She not only told me that once we started dating but I was the one that had to remind her every single day to take her 7 meds a day so idk why you’d think I’m just throwing bpd out there for shits and giggles. NPD and bpd are very similar, think you’d know that since you know so much about NPD 😂
Dude, I grew up with parents who were NPD+ BPD couple. I spent years trying to understand this shit, not just "3 months", and don't let me get started on the abuse I have been through. Yep, bpd looks on the surface level similar to NPD, but they are different. No, having BPD doesn't mean in general having npd as well. Especially in women, it's not that common to have both (you said "her", so your ex is female). Yep, it's not impossible to have both, but first of all it's not common, secondly you didn't mention she was diagnosed. On the contrary, male BPD do tend to have NPD tenencies, (which is irrelevant to your ex if she is female). It is important to understand that there is difference, because female BPD (without NPD) have very good chances to change, to work it out. Doctor K made a whole video on this particular topic of female bpd, saying that in his opinion a woman with BPD is not necessary a lost cause, it's not always a red flag. At least nor for everyone. BPD shouldn't be demonised. (While NPD aren't known for tendency to change, so those folks still is "run away from them" case). Also, I know that people sometimes get misdiagnosed. And, yep, you do sound like someone who don't know much about this, but demonizing BPD, that's why I wrote a comment pointing out that behaviour that you described sounds like typical for NPD, and not for BPD. And the fact that she told you about her issues right in the beginning... That also very typical for narcissists ("Oh, I have a bubu, u should treat me in special way, while I'm not going to do anything about it" their typical attitude). And like, what do you mean she took 7 pills from it? Borderlines need to go to therapy, they can't just take meds and hope for the best. Bpd is not treatable with just meds. Something is very off with your ex and whoever has "treated" her. She could have both, or could be just misdiagnosed. With heavy probability of misdiagnosed by some quack, because "7 meds"? And no therapy? WTF?
Been with my boyfriend for six months and we haven’t had a single argument. Because we talk about our red flags constantly and try to find ways to work through them. We compromise when we can’t get to an answer. We preemptively talk about scenarios we may get into in the future so we can have a solution if it comes. This has already been sooo helpful. One scenario we had talked about just happened and we knew what to do because we had already talked about it. We talk about every aspect of our relationship every day. There is constant communication. Of course we have gotten upset at one another but we never found the need to yell.
Yes, true, sometimes conflict is needed to find common ground together.
BUT it also depends on the red flag.
There are still some things that you should never accept, under any circumstances, and run away from.
i am absolutely TERRIBLE with this lol. my dad was very abusive to my mom, hitting, pushing, throwing and slamming things, screaming, insults, etc.
so now i feel like i overcompensate with partners. i broke up with one person for raising their voice at me in the grocery store. i broke up with someone else over somewhat minor political disagreements and not vibing.
i think part of the problem is, i am way too conflict-avoidant, so instead of doing the healthy thing, and telling someone their behavior upset me, i mentally tally it as shitty behavior from them without letting them know.
i don't really know how to improve other than therapy. it's almost kinda funny, because people talk about having too high of standards ending up forever alone, but for me it's not really like "standards" because i've dated people with all kinds of backgrounds, personalities, lifestyles or whatever. it's just that everything upsets me and i end up hypervigilant about what probably isn't even bad treatment or extreme incompatibility...
Idc we are not your therapist
This advice very heavily assumes that both people are mentally sound and willing to work.
I did not succeed in ignoring my ex-wife's BPD, and then proceeding. It was the worst thing that I've ever done.
There are minor things, and there are major things that can stand as potential differences, and opportunities to grow. Definitely. Again, this advice assumes that both people are mentally sound and willing to work.
How could you marry someone with BPD if you couldn't work past it? It always fascinates me that people will get married with these huge unresolved issues. I could never do it. I wish I could because in many ways I'd probably be happier, but I'd rather have something that works great or nothing at all.
@@skoparweaver7692 BPD can be a year long cycle (first year is fine then the problems start, such as over dependency and emotional abuse)
His point is abt conflict resolution lol
@@KaylaMarie-ox8leThe confusion stems from the fact that he got his definitions wrong sometimes. He's talking about yellow flags here, not real red flags. But I get it, he just adjusts to the stupidity of normie masses who always misuse the original terms cos they can never wrap their heads around proper definitions.
What is with all the hate for people with bpd?
Yo, I run at those red flags. Conflict resolution and communication for the win.
I appreciate this so much! I saw a post lately saying that when a man wants to keep you up when you want/need to sleep that is a red flag that he is abusive and will never care about your needs. People take the red flags to an extreme and we all have aspects about relationships to learn. Working that out as a couple strengthens the relationship and creates the lasting commitment that causes a marriage to endure.
Actually keeping people awake, sleep deprivation was used as a torture device in the Middle Ages. It is known to be used by narcissists😢
Yes, depriving someone of sleep is most definitely a red flag. You didn't think it was? Where did you see that?
The point is that you don’t have to run immediately if your partner keeps you up at some point when you’re tired. A ´red flag’ doesn’t automatically mean abuse…many things can be worked out in a relationship.
@@lsmilek true. If someone does that and you repeatedly ask them not to after the first few times and they don’t listen and keep doing it, that is when you know it’s not good.
@@lsmilek Then what DOES a red flag mean?
Thank you for saying this. It took me a long time to realise I wasn’t naive for staying out in my relationship despite our red flags - that we actually developed a really strong and healthy relationship because we were both willing to face the red flags head on and do what we needed to either make changes or learn to accept the red flag as something that was there but wasn’t about to threaten the relationship.
My fiancée and I dated for 5 months, before breaking up. We then became best friends over the course of 5 years, and decided to get back together, and excited the same day that we will get married. The wedding is in March!
I think he/ other people have different ideas about what they consider a red flag, since mine are definitely the 'this is not a good person to be in a relationship' ones.
Things that can probably be worked through are orange flags for me, not red. Red is being abusive, regular gaslighting, addiction, lying a lot etcetera.
It depends on the red flag, is it a legitimate sign you should never be with that person, or do they have a quirk you mildly don’t like? Are they extremely narcissistic or do they like Star Trek enough to have gone to conventions and you don’t understand or like that? One of those two shouldn’t be dated, the other one is just a Trekkie, and a difference of hobbies is meaninglesss compared to a difference of values.
I am very grateful for this man to exist!
Nobody is perfect so you need to self-improve together 💚
“Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time, and love takes work. At the very least you have to know the other person… And you literally have no idea who or what I am.”
- Garnet
This guy talks about yellow flags. Red flags are red flags. If a guy is physically abusive from the start there is nothing to talk about, that's a red flag, if a guy does not like to pick up clothes from the floor in the bathroom - yellow flag, yeah we can talk about that. Too many yellow flags would mean that you are trying to change the entire character of that person and there is no point, find someone closer to your values. If there are too many yellow flags, it's a red flag.
He said healthy relationships. If it’s an abusive relationship that’s what it is, nothing else. That needs no flag.
That’s the thing that confuses me a red flag isn’t something you can compromise on or fix it’s a full stop sign for a reason because ignoring the flags can get you hurt, if not trapped in a cycle of abuse.
a healthy person probs wont give red flags, maybe only bc of miscommunication, they have darker traits but nothging deeply troubling @@checkers7730
Yep. We worked through our red flags. 22 years and going strong.
That's really good to hear.
My husband of 21 years and I had plenty to sort out in the beginning of our relationship and still have issues here. I have to sort them out or it just festers. Sometimes, it can be sorted straight away and other times I’ve broached the subject but could see my husband wasn’t ready or was too busy to deal with it so I let it go, for years sometimes. As our basic priorities are the same it’s given us a solid grounding to keep stability in our relationship despite the rows we have. Those priorities are, our children first and then each other and then aiming to live life with integrity and as much kindness as possible. Keeping it simple helps with decision making and keeping our relationship strong.
Should have asked Graham about FTX and other scammers hes collabed with
kek
Who would've thought that resolving problems is better than running away from them
Best advice I heard all year!
I have worked through red flags!! Now she has everything, thank you!!
Dr. K, you are the best! Dishing out the wisdom like nobody’s business 😮
Wow I respect this. A lot. 🙏🏼❤️
Wholeheartedly agree with this
When red flags can be adressed and worked as a team then the main green flag is present and covering the whole situation . But that's honestly i find that it's nice to hear. It's nice to be reminded after having learnt so much about redflegs in a very useful way, that normal relationship can start with some red flag. It's just a matter of workability ... Nice insight
This is so perfect and so true
Wow what a clear explanation...if you can manage you go ahead.