What High Performers Do That You Don't
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- Опубліковано 19 кві 2024
- In this video, we dive into the reasons why some people are high performers and how those lessons can help you in today's world.
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:15 - Are successful people narcissistic?
02:36 - The three cognitive parts of high performers
03:32 - Sociopathy
07:09 - Narcissism
10:00 - Neuroticism
14:00 - Do these 3 things
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What would you like us to make a video on for Mental Health May? reply to this comment with your suggestions & upvote the ones you like
K's guide to ADHD without medication
How to tackle porn addiction lecture
The most obvious thing would be a general tutorial on how to navigate on the ocean of mental health content (in general, but even on this channel), avoid drawing wrong conclusions etc if seeing a professional isn't an option (bc of money, logistics, availability or whatever). Aka "how to help yourself effectively using only (free) online resources". Like a video tutorial that each and every person coming to this channel for the first time should watch first.
how to spend your time when you arent scrolling, at the gym, or with friends. recently ive found im able to cut out a lot of social media usage but sometimes like on weekends when i have no work to do and my friends are busy i feel like i have nothing to do
How to train and master your focus and emotions
What separates the top 10% from the bottom 75%?
Answer: 15%.
😂
Yup.
😂😂 that's smart
lol that's funny
😂
I have very high conscientiousness and neuroticism - very successful, worked my whole life, top performer in my career. What helped me from being burnt out is finding a good boss that appreciates me.
It cannot be understated enough just how important having a good boss really is. It's the difference between running for the emergency exit or staying with that boss for as long as possible.
I was immediately intrigued by this video because I paid for JBP’s 5 Aspects test several years ago and scored in the ~40th percentile in Conscientiousness (not that great…) and an insane 99th percentile in Neuroticism, which I found baffling and always took it to be such a negative trait of mine. I don’t think it’s ever good to lie in the extremes of anything, whether it’s politics or a trait of the Big 5 Personality Aspects/Factor Model.
I need Part 2 for this video regarding cognitive reframing as I’m not doing too great in life these days. I believe my propensity for neuroticism allowed me to thrive in the startup scene a few years ago, but I’ve long left that field behind because I needed to take care of my ailing mother and greataunt. Listening to this video now has me seriously second-guessing the years I’ve potentially “wasted” with short-term compassion by directly helping my family instead of climbing up some corporate ladder to make the big bucks so that I could pay someone else to take care of them instead. Sigh…
I was immediately intrigued by this video because I paid for JBP’s 5 Aspects test several years ago and scored in the ~40th percentile in Conscientiousness (not that great…) and an insane 99th percentile in Neuroticism, which I found baffling and always took it to be such a negative trait of mine. I don’t think it’s ever good to lie in the extremes of anything, whether it’s politics or a trait of the Big 5 Personality Aspects/Factor Model.
I need Part 2 for this video regarding cognitive reframing as I’m not doing too great in life these days. I believe my propensity for neuroticism allowed me to thrive in the startup scene a few years ago, but I’ve long left that field behind because I needed to take care of my ailing mother and greataunt. Listening to this video now has me seriously second-guessing the years I’ve potentially “wasted” with short-term compassion by directly helping my family instead of climbing up some corporate ladder to make the big bucks so that I could pay someone else to take care of them instead.
Now, my CV looks like I’m all over the place and can’t pick a particular direction in life. Sigh…
I would love to have a good boss that doesn't get removed or leaves.
@@will__wDid you mean not “overstated” enough?
6:20 if you really think about it, procrastination is basically a focus on short-term compassion, except the target of the compassion is ourselves.
what's compassionate about procrastinating? or the act of it?
I mean this is really just a useless and not incredibly accurate label for procrastination. You dont have to apply the new concept you learned to everything you see
What a useful and accurate way to reframe procrastination. Thank you for integrating a new concept into an existing framework; this is how knowledge construction works! Understanding how procrastination, and avoidance of tasks, can be a form of short-term compassion allows us to move towards long-term compassion, which could look like unanchoring our expectations from results. thanks again
@@egorepifanov "You dont have to apply the new concept you learned" this isn't new to me but if it's new to you, great to see you understand it
So we’re really paraphrasing delayed gratification here right
There is a boundary to being good. Don't get walked over. A lot of good people get taken advantage of. Being transactional with your time and effort is not a bad thing. Value yourself more!
You put it perfectly
It is a bad thing. But what do you expect from people who think a big bank account defines a top performer.
@@AJHornet1Being able to provide for your family because you focused on a long-term goal is bad now?
@@AJHornet1 Being broke means you should say "no" more, too. Being assertive and prioritising your own needs, isn't the same thing as being arrogant and selfish.
My grandmothers favorite phrase was "no good deed went unpunished". The mentality certainly got passed down to me starting at a young age.
Where I get confused is when two people are walking toward the same goal, it's hard for me not to back down. I choose deed that involves punishment.
I think the other thing that separates "successful" people from those who struggle to achieve their goals is that they know when to let go with radical acceptance and move on. Instead of dwelling on what didn't go the way they wanted it to, they focus on the next opportunity and spend their precious time and mental energy on the possibilities.
Right?! "This too shall pass". Bad shit happens - notice the pattern, learn the lesson, accept your shortcomings, and lean into the next opportunity to grow. Ruminating beyond that is self-destructive...
@@alexandramaclachlan7597 Yes, and also we need to accept that some things our outside of our control. We can focus on what's in our control and let the rest take care of itself
Instead of continuing to move on and let life unfold your story to open the next door for you. You can't keep moving forward if you don't give yourself the opportunities to.
As an autistic 51 years old man that has spent my whole life helping others and never getting anything for it, often not even a thanks, this hit home. 8 months ago I removed everyone from my life except my best friend and my ex girlfriends autistic daughter and I am feeling well and happy for the first time in my life. I didn't decide to stop helping others but to do lectures and coaching where I get paid. If I don't get anything back I only help once now. I wish I knew how to do this before I spent 50 years in hell where my "No" never was accepted.
I got a Schizoid Personality Disorder from it all so I don't even miss anyone at all, mostly living alone in the middle of the forest. Best thing I ever did, removing all leeches.
Respect for realising and adjusting.
If everybody will do the same system in the business, it will not be unique after time....therefore the system is collapsing after some time, as a guy said in 2019 youtube podcast
I think in 2020 we may expect collapse in economy, education, politics, medicine etc the new systems will be build up.....He probably knew it from other scienticts and friends... He was right.
But even though the systems collapse the love and empathy will always show up in some way.
But businessmen will always remember only the money value, not the heartfelt emotions...
The guy who said about the collapse in 2020, also said in other interviews, he met millionaires and they told him we are all miserable.
He said you may make your wealth and abundance and have a private jet etc but if you don´t have time to actually enjoy it, if you don´t make time for yourself, what´s the meaning.
the love and happiness comes from inside...Happiness is emotion.
Love are compassion are unique always.
Now some said compasion is more important than empathy...Empathy means I feel your pain, but I am not able to help you.
Agreed. Neighbour's house was burning down and they were trapped inside. I could've saved them but it didn't benefit me (risk plus I didn't like that neighbour). Much happier with the new neighbours.
Maybe people with average wealth and average "popularity" are happier than the ones who are very rich and very famous.
The most famous ones, dont have time to be themselves and be happy,...they always have to put some mask to maintain their real anonimity....
but the people with average wealth and average fame may act like thier true self...and have time for their passion playing guitar, or other craft.
@@broccoli7263 what a dense analogy...
I’ve noticed when it comes to “helping” or “fixing” people, it’s more common that that you get dragged down to someone’s level then actually lift that person up. Realistically only help people who are already want change and are making action towards that change. Short term compassion will often end with both parties drowning in the end.
Sometimes people are just stuck so they need a push of help from someone else. Expecting someone to be able to fix all their problems on their own is pretty unrealistic. Very few people become truly successful only on their own
Not my experience. Acutely bad situations seems to be the time when people need help the most and when they get most benefit. Yes it can be draining, but you never know when it's your turn to need help. Would you prefer if everyone turned their back on you then?
This post and vid sounds a lot like Jordan Peterson's kind of "tough love." But I don't listen to him anymore because he can't even use the advice he recommends to help himself: the guy looks like a wreck.
Don't try to pull others up when you don't even have steady footing. But a candle can share it's light without losing any of it's own.
What? This actually sounds so off. Could be me tho..
@@TravelBandit Maybe I’m just wrong and have a weird personal experience.
This remind me to the 7 deadly wins from Kevin Dutton’s books "The Wisdom of Psychopaths".
1.Fearlessness
2.Ruthlessness
3.Charm
4.Focus
5.Mental Toughness
6.Mindfulness
7.Action
This is actually great!
Thank you!
Awesome list thanks
Okay.....but how do mindfulness and psychopathy go together? The other six 'deadly wins' make sense, yes.
Got any book recommendations to develop those skills? Especially charm.
I have difficulty with this stuff since I’m autistic.
This is honestly the saddest Dr K comment section I’ve seen. High performer doesn’t mean billionaire or lucky. You have luck too, luck you can capitalize on. You don’t need to be ultra wealthy and a billionaire’s son to be successful. That view of success is a plague in society, find your own success, what makes you content. The first step is to begin action, however small. Complaining about luck is a trap that will separate you from actually being content. I’ve been down that road before and it only leads to misery. The fact that we can comment on a video full of knowledge makes us some of the luckiest people in the world. So what if someone is more lucky than you? They aren’t you so ignore them and do your own thing with your own luck.
Edit: Yes I agree that Dr K framed high performance poorly and yes I explicitly acknowledge that there is unfairness. My point is that you need to live with what you have, you can fight the broken system because it is broken and it is unfair but complaining isn’t fighting anything nor does it bring any benefits to you.
Edit round 2: Obviously luck plays a part in success I said that so many times in my comment. But also you can’t control luck, there’s literally nothing you can do about how you are born. I know this very well being born with a congenital condition. But since you can’t control it there’s no point in letting misfortune beat you up. My comment is saying that the only thing you can do is do the best with what you have.
Edit round 3: In hindsight the original comment is not a proper response. I do disagree with the video that these traits are something that should be emulated for material success. My real intention was to address people who seemed to only attribute success to material value and luck which unfortunately the video does promote material success rather than a personal success that can be achieved despite luck. This misunderstanding is completely on me for failing to articulate my feelings about the video and the comments.
Yep, I'm also disappointed in this comment section. Having the mindset of "any success = luck and born to wealthy parents" is a mindset that will help no one, is factually incorrect and delusional. It's definitely tough out there, especially nowadays, but it's really not impossible. Traditional ways of getting successful like getting really good grades and being very good at your craft/skill have gotten increasingly more competitive as population increases as well but you need to learn to adapt as well.
On god
The guy explicitly mentions CEO's and guys in finance, and his first example is about a guy making millions vs. making 30k.
The idea of a 'high performer' is a myth to begin with. Unless you believe mr. Gate's workweek started with making a peanut butter sandwich, commute work for an hour, punch in his punchcard, punch numbers into an excelsheet for 12 hrs, commute home for half an hour, go to the store to get milk after his wife calls him to remind him they run out, cook diner, then wake up at 0100 to comfort the crying baby, repeat 6days a week, then spends the sunday fixing the limousine's radiator with parts from a salvage yard and then repeat from monday. Oh and seomewhere in between he has time to read like two books a month.
While some people perform better than others overall most of us perform pretty well.
@@bdnnijs192 Of course I don’t believe in the mythos hustle bros and billionaires always push but I’d disagree with the idea that a high performer is a myth. Most people do well if they put effort in but you can also do better, that doesn’t mean being a corporate lackey or a hustle bro but it does mean putting in more effort and focusing on yourself more to achieve whatever you are acting towards. Someone who does that will naturally perform “better” in the sense that they are more efficient because of how the act.
It's great that you returned from that path. It can be a dark place. It's the same place where all the black pillers live😢
i think a lot of times we get wrapped up in “analysis paralysis”, or sort-of anxious freeze in decisions as well. we need to encourage more gumption & actionable goals in ourselves & loved ones!
I agree. Luckily, you can work out of anylisis paralisis.
@@leafboy3967 once you know you can do, just dont be too afraid to fuck it up. Forgive yourself a couples of times before you question your entire existence. I mean forgive yourself alot.
@@leafboy3967 well how do u do it?! I suffer with anxious freeze, that's why I'm stuck in a failed relationship and don't know how to get out of it! Financial fear has paralysed me mentally!
Yup! Be okay with failing - you won't always succeed, but not trying for fear of mistakes prevents positive opportunities also.
Yes. I need step by step instructions otherwise shit ain't gonna get done
The 3 traits top performers have:
- Sociopathy: sacrifice short-term compassion for long-term results
- Narcissism: know when to say no to others (which is equivalent to saying yes to yourself)
- Neuroticism: use the negative emotions as toxic fuel to change your environment and improve your circumstances, instead of trying to get rid of the negative emotions with copes like substances/drugs
Sacrifice humanity for money noted
@@Teathling quite literally.
I think this video is a great example of why understanding that psychology is a very diverse field is important. Studying performance and leadership is well within an Industrial Organizational Psychologist wheelhouse, but a clinical Psychiatrist ⬆️ will have a pathology worldview. I/O psychologists do not pretend to be able to diagnose illness, and ethical clinical Psychiatrists should probably not nosedive into work performance consulting.
Meets new people and new opportunities eg jobs more
Neuroticism is btw highly associated with bad performance as a manager.
Summary
- action focused coping (negative situations or feelings lead to you taking action incl working harder)
- putting yourself above others + thinking long term
I have worked with high success people in my medical career and honestly I have no desire to mold myself like them .
In the moment, “ managing their resources” usually means BRUTUALLY taking advantage of others.
You just have to mold the most little part of them that can suit your needs if needed. Nothing more. Save the baby, not the water bath.
I agree. I often talked with people engaged with great projects and they have to sell themselves. And I cannot desire to train myself into that hell. I wanna sleep at night
@@fran6b that’s true. I think some people overestimate how much they need to take.
I identify as an outlier and I’m pretty successful all things considered. The difference in me and high performers is that it’s taken me way longer than most. I’ll be in my 40s when I finish my doctoral program. I don’t mind tho, I think I’ve picked up skills that have taught me how to get results. My age /experience allowed me to learn what matters and what doesn’t.
Plus with the way things are going, I’ll retire by 90😂😂
Pretty disingenuous take lol.
Welcome to capitalism!
Hesitation is defeat.
Absolutely correct. If we hesitate, we cannot move forward.
I have struggled with this so much. I have been guilt-tripped way too many times, and its only just now I've begun to to fix my life.
Hesitation is part of planning, correction of mistakes or part of any other thoughtful process. Because being impulsive isn't virtue and sometimes not being careful can cause life.
@@Feefa99 oh noo not the life!
I like the sekiro reference lol
@@phantomobserver2 me too
@@phantomobserver2all I hear is afrosenju screaming this at the top of his lungs when he first tried that boss
This is the BEST healthy gamer video ive ever seen. It totally made sense of soooo many things in my life. I am in the top 10%. I have been called many names throughout my life due to having stiffer boundaries and more neuroticsm than others. In recent years, i let that talk get to me and totally gave in to helping everyone to try to be a good person and to manage the guilt i felt about my success. It led me down a very dangerous path bc it was never enough and i was suicidal. With all the money and success I just couldnt be this endless spring of live compassion and resources for everyone. And this seemed to be all my family and friends wanted from me. This video made me look at my younger, scrappy, sociopathic, neurotic self with sooooo much love. She got me here. She protected me for a long time and actually was way more balanced and healthy than i am now. I used to think she was a bad person. Thank you so much for this.
I relate to neuroticism heavily. In college I made some very poor decisions which threatened my future success. I took that fear of failure and make immense progress in my life through hard work, but that hard work was based on fear and caused constant suffering. Now, I can look at my life and say that I'm objectively much more successful, but internally I still feel the same. Even now, I only move forward when I channel fear, anger, etc. But actions caused by these emotions don't lead to a happier future. It's not sustainable to always be running away from something you don't want, rather than running towards something you do want. With the first option, you may end up someone you never wanted to be.
I'm in a similar situation. I had a really hard time when I was younger with depression, trauma compounded by my experiences as someone with undiagnosed autism. Now I'm at a point where I realize how much of that toxic fuel and constantly trying to push myself is costing me in the long run. Like an example is David Goggins, productive as all hell but I know will never know happiness. I look at him is the posterchild for toxic fuel and if I was like him I'd would driven myself to suicide already. But at the same time I need to channel the anger and fear to keep going for myself I've become much more successful and overcome a lot but I'm the target of the suffering and I essentially have to burn myself out in order to have success.
All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Due to our sin. Hell is the punishment
.“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”
Revelation 21:8 KJV
but Jesus who is God. Came down to earth as a man lived a perfect life never sinned people got jealous of him got him convicted on false charges then he died buried and resurrected
Remember how I said our sin is why we can’t go to heaven? The only thing that can wash away your sins in the blood of Jesus
“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.” Roman’s 5:8-9 KJV
So to get saved is super easy
“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast.”
Ephesians 2:8-9 KJV
Salvation is a free gift by faith alone. You can’t earn it by going to church, getting water baptized, or by any good thing you do.
“For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.”
2 Corinthians 7:10 KJV
Then you just have to feel guilty and sorry for being a sinner and repent for being a sinner. Do you feel guilty for being a sinner? If you do then there’s just one final step.
“that if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
Romans 10:9 KJV
Pretty much all you have to do is tell God out loud with your mouth that you believe the gospel. That’s it super simple. You MUST mean it from your heart to work.
You can pray something like this
“dear God i repent as a sinner. i believe jesus is God, who died, buried, and ressurected, so his blood can wash away my sins. so i only trust in the blood alone to save me not my good works. Save me from hell in jesus name i pray amen”
If you meant it your saved!
@@Smooth1028 All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Due to our sin. Hell is the punishment
.“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”
Revelation 21:8 KJV
but Jesus who is God. Came down to earth as a man lived a perfect life never sinned people got jealous of him got him convicted on false charges then he died buried and resurrected
Remember how I said our sin is why we can’t go to heaven? The only thing that can wash away your sins in the blood of Jesus
“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.” Roman’s 5:8-9 KJV
So to get saved is super easy
“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast.”
Ephesians 2:8-9 KJV
Salvation is a free gift by faith alone. You can’t earn it by going to church, getting water baptized, or by any good thing you do.
“For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.”
2 Corinthians 7:10 KJV
Then you just have to feel guilty and sorry for being a sinner and repent for being a sinner. Do you feel guilty for being a sinner? If you do then there’s just one final step.
“that if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
Romans 10:9 KJV
Pretty much all you have to do is tell God out loud with your mouth that you believe the gospel. That’s it super simple. You MUST mean it from your heart to work.
You can pray something like this
“dear God i repent as a sinner. i believe jesus is God, who died, buried, and ressurected, so his blood can wash away my sins. so i only trust in the blood alone to save me not my good works. Save me from hell in jesus name i pray amen”
If you meant it your saved!
@@Smooth1028u guys oh got abused n raised or been around toxic people. The difference with them is they do the same them. But they burn everyone else instead of themselves. Don’t do that but don’t burn urself
Dr K you are so insightful and good at conveying complicated concepts. What's frustrating about listening to you is I didn't have anyone to tell me this stuff, I had to figure it out through a lifetime of suffering and failure. And here you are, just saying it. I love you for that, I don't want anyone else to go through what I have, but AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Really hurts to find out that you could have just watched these videos after all this time I imagine
I can fully relate with this sentiment and I turned it into a vocation. As far as I know Dr. K also went through some things in life before he arrived at a point where he could utilize his potential more. Maybe that's just how it is supposed to be. And maybe, people like us, that went through things, but never gave up, are meant to be examples to others as we actually know how what works and be the teachers that we ourselves wished we had in life.
@@Jack-fw7wd Well not quite, you still have to do the inner work it's not like you hear the words and your behaviors and perceptions change. Hearing them and having that guidance just makes understanding all the incomprehensible feelings and experiences less painful to process, and that pain is what I was lamenting having endured. Really I was more communicating my appreciation for Dr. K by contrasting it with the immense frustration he may be saving people, that was the only point I wanted to make.
How old are you?
@@Younghustla1 Mid 30s, a few years younger than Dr K
I know a handful of people with these exact traits and whilst they are indeed very successful and high achieving, they are not the sort of people who you can truly and deeply bond or connect with.
There is almost always some kind of defence barrier/facade that they put up and you never really see their true authentic self.
Many of them focus so much on external/action oriented “fixing” that they become completely disconnected from their core internal self.
Yes it’s bad also to focus on your internal emotions so much that you just vent and/or never get anything done, but ignoring the present internal realm completely and only focusing on the future external is just as bad.
It can lead to poor EQ, alexithymia, relationship and friendship problems and lacking a sense of human connection.
Your example of short term empathy is literally my life story. I was the oldest of 3 siblings living in a toxic, abusive household. Despite frequent reporting my parents managed to escape the repercussions of CPS. When I turned 18 I made the difficult decision to place my needs above my brothers’ and go off to college, leaving my 11 yo and 16 yo brothers alone with my emotionally inadequate parents. My youngest brother nearly died at the age of 15 as the result of the harmful behaviors he developed in my absence, and my 16 yo brother dropped out of school and began abusing alcohol. I can’t begin to state the guilt I felt for abandoning them. They eventually did move in with me and I was able to help them reverse their negative habits and set out on better paths. If I would have stayed my “long term empathy” path and procrastinated taking them in they would have probably ended up dead, addicted, or in jail. I was going to school for education. I was never gonna make a million dollars.
I typically love your advice Dr. K, but this feels a little oversimplified.
One of those "CEOs" fascinate me the most is Steve Job. In fact, this guy was a hippy and he embraced oriental philosophies in his private life. But in his business and corporate organization management life, he's a pure sociopath and certified as first class as$0Ie
He didn’t embrace those values, he was interested in it when he was young
The hippy stuff was a rude to fit in with 70s San Fran techno culture.
All that drive him was power and money
Steve Job
Folks, please don't use sociopathy in every aspect of your life just because you want to be a "high performer." You'll just fuck up your existing relationships and your life.
It's more like a tool, I think. It's only handy for some situations.
This is by far one of the best Dr.K videos I've watched in a long time. Literally was about to call a crisis line to just vent about all these problems, but this really helps me figure out where they're coming from. I used to be so ambitious and successful but burnt myself out, and got so incredibly lonely I got sucked into some really bad relationships. Here's hoping I can take back some of those helpful mindsets from my past ambitious happy self when I go back to school this fall!
if successful people actually leaned into long term compassion, wouldn't they stop exploiting workers?
Maybe their long term is about money,nothing else.
You have a very narrow and flawed view of compassion.
People don't start and operate companies for workers, they do it for: society, themselves, their loved ones or for an idea. Workers are necessary and are resources to accomplish the task. Gotta take care of those resources otherwise nothing gets done, however, there is a reason why Human Resources exists.
“Exploiting workers” bro your trade your time for money you will NEVER be rich
What I like about this channel is that what I think he might talk about is rarely the case.
You make me think at things from the different perspective. Thank you.
What a revelation, this is exactly what my problem has been. I can think of so many examples in my life when I gave into short term compassion and made sacrifices for the sake of another. This has really opened my eyes
Holy Shit. I don’t know how to explain this, but I used to be this person and, somehow, worked myself out of it. - which was incredible for my mental health, but it’s honestly kind of stalled/nose dived my life.
I literally said it to my friend a while back. I explained it as my “dark side” that I was able to tap into, but rather than “tapping into” it, I kind of lived there, but I THRIVED so hard on being hated/disliked and “proving people wrong” and that drove me to incredible places, but, I was also not as healthy mentally as I wanted to be and I guess worked on myself.
That said, now, without that, I feel kind of dead inside. Like I have no driving force and have no idea how to even get that part of me back if I wanted to. - I never had to try to make that happen, it just naturally occurred.
I never really knew why I was like that. I never really understood how I got out of it, and I really wish I knew how to kind of jump back and forth, but man, it just kind of feels like my drive is gone without it.
Wow...i relate to this so much.
Its nice to know that im not alone in this
Yeah, I don't know how Dr.K is actually recommending being more neurotic XD
That shit fucked up my life so bad
Do you think you could tap into that and maybe control it better? Maybe you could use it to drag people with you into sucess. I find that alot of people will perform better if you force them to see that they have value with... bluntness. At work i have to drag people kicking and screaming into being better versions of themselves. It's pulling teeth but they get it afterwards. Maybe you could find a balance. Just brainstorming I hope you find your way through this.
Thank you to be so open about your experience which I might have some useful insights on for you to think about. It sounds like this "dark" side you talk about is what can be called your shadow. This is a representation of things people find hard to accept, acknowledge or come to terms with. Now, in your specific case, it seems you could make use of the power of this shadow, but skipped the important step of coming to terms with it. Indicating by your use of language "dark side" and "worked myself out of it". But your shadow is not something to either use as a tool, nor is it a "bad" side to try and escape from. It is a part of YOU, as a person, that is best seen as the unloved child of a family and the more you ignore it or simply (ab)use it, the more problems it will cause. View this side of you as an equal to all the other parts that make you, well, you.
Now, my way of getting there is very much based on reflection and questions. So ask yourself this and write the answers down, best done on a piece of paper, as specific as possible: "What is it, that I found useful when I tapped into that side of me?" "What do I fear about this side, why do I think it is dark?" "What are negative consequences that came with this power?" "Which parts of it do I miss?" "What emotions come up inside of me, when I think about re-utilizing it?" "What is important to me in life and how does my shadow affect that?" "Why is it important for me to prove people wrong?" "How would it look like, in everday life, if I would accept that part of myself and reintroduce it into my life?"
Some of this questions, which I realize are many and open-ended, might lead to you to better understand what actually drives you (values & motives), some will help visualize what you actually want to achieve (goals), and some will help to come to terms with what happened and how it might fit into the image of yourself (personality).
I hope you can find something useful in this, even though it is relatively broad. Good luck!
@@LiveLearnGameI... I'm gonna do that, I'll try journaling. Thanks for this.
In short - know you are special, know you are infallible, say "yes" to the right opportunities, develop an internal locus of control, don't be content with "your best", don't give up.
having a bit of a mental/chemical imbalance disorder will get u there
1. Sociopathy- ability to restrain empathy to long term rather than short term.
2. narsicism- skilled at saying no to others.
3.nueroticism-coping mechanism, trade suffering for success. shape outside environment. internal worries driving factor.
i literally gave the screen an applause the moment you touched upon the neuroticism point...
fixing the environment to fix the internal feelings, wow, I am mind-blown 🤯
incredible advice. If someone sincerely tries to emulate these behaviours and leverage these powerful attitudes and motivators success is the natural outcome. But everything comes at a cost. To pay that cost is most often the hard part but once your desire and obsession is strong enough to pay the cost of being focused and cutting out distractions and enjoyments then u go on a upward trajectory.
Yes. This is a wonderful explanation of what I try to encourage with my friends. I moved a little ways out of poverty, but they didn't. They people please in short term help that doesn't provide long term results.
patrick bateman tutorial
Dr K, I am a big fan of you and your work… but this video sounded a bit off to me. I’ll bring up a few points that it would be amazing if you could address in a future video at some point/extent.
Let’s say we all become more sociopath, more narcissistic, more neurotics…
1. How do you manage family, friends…? What is the role of social, emotional connections in one’s life then? How would you deal with your partner needing assistance at home whenever they need to say YES for a big professional challenge that aligns with their goals of reaching that 10% as well? Or what if your kid is sick when you have to deal with work issues? How do you accommodate a HEALTHY social and emotional connection and responsibility if you are constantly working on becoming self-centered? Wouldn’t it be counterproductive to have a family then? If so; how socially sustainable would it be if everyone becomes self-centered?
2. From a socioeconomic perspective… we live as a capitalist society, right?. Is there space for all the 75% to join that 10%? Sounds mathematically, economically and socially unrealistic and unreasonable.
3. So here you are explaining and teaching how someone can leave an ordinary life behind to be driven towards a so called success. Not everyone will become the CEO of a big pharma, though, no matter how hard they work on their cognitive reframing and reappraisal. And that’s for many different reasons. So wouldn’t such advices be leading people to believe exclusively in meritocracy when we actually live in a world of social, economical, political, environmental, heath discrepancies? Wouldn’t the belief that we can be more financially or professionally “successful” potentially lead to frustration and unhappiness? By promoting a narcissistic behavior towards success; how would that fit and correlate with other contents you’ve previously discussed? Like men su1cid4lity, or even about consciousness and living a life with less purpose and more presence?
4. How those advices can be applied to neuroatypical people? Or are we talking mostly of neurotypicals?
5. Finally I think my biggest point is: how you define success? Plus: is that so called success a synonym of happiness? Is success the same as money/profession/social position? Or a state of mind?
Thanks for always sharing amazing and engaging contents. Hope some of my questions can be addressed in the future :)
Cheers from HMS/Boston!
Thank you for describing who I am and why I have been the way I have been. Too much suffering caused me not able to enjoy my life, and finally gave up on giving myself so much pressure. I realized that it was trauma that turned on neuroticism, narcissism, and even a bit of sociopathy in me. After so much suffering, I feel like I finally found myself the child, who I once was. I feel balanced, have joy, and be able to get along with people like how I used to when I was a child. Society can crush you and change you deeply. It seems that the cost of embracing the three traits you mentioned is that I lost some abilities that I used to have as a child like being more intuitive and naturally more connected with people by just going with flow in exchange for the new abilities that I got, which have protected me from unwanted relationships and achieved goals I wanted. It's interesting that I forgot that feeling of getting along with people for so long, and now it starts to come back. I feel like life is karmic lesson.
I just got to a point in my life where i feel like financially, i am on par with my peers. Your channel has helped me drastically navigate my adhd and Improve my self awareness. I appreciate all that you do!
34 yr old man, growing up with a family that never had their finances in order. I finally found a woman here in town that moved from another state. In short she has an amazing career path in Milwaukee. I am reluctant to move since i have always been in “survival mode” with my family. I know leaving them is going to hurt me (and them) but the Hospital is willing to pay for my college if i work at the hospital she works at. The vid was the push i needed to propose to her and better my life. Wish me luck
Best wishes! Investigate properly about every advantage you could get in that hospital and learn the skills you need in order to create your very own family with her ❤
@touchinggrasscommunity Can you please not interprete things the way you like and assume whatever you want, and just focus on what is written? Also, how do you get from "only marrying her for her career" to "you are going to ruin her entire life"? And what do you propose would a grown up man do in this situation? Like how does this play out in your head?
"Sorry. I can't marry you. I would only do it for your career, because I never felt anything for you, getting to know you was a facade I put on to have a chance at ruining your life, since I never cared to have a good first marriage and this is why I won't move with you. Goodbye Amanda"
I am genuinly interested in what makes you think these people don't love each other, and what in that text made you believe that the only thing he's interested in, is exclusively trying to leech a job opportunity from her? Like that's a whole lot of pessimism on a foundation of no information about either of these two people whatsoever
@@Gloriankithsanusthe video told us to be more sociopathic. Other people are a means to an end - being a top performer.
@touchinggrasscommunity What a poor woman. Being used for her money. That never happened to anyone in the history of humanity who was successful... like, people find money attractive. So what?
Wishing you luck is not a character trait of a successful person. Now go away while I return to increasing my sociopathy, narcissism and neuroticism lol
I really hope Dr. K doesn’t go down the path of full monetization before I become my best self all thanks to his videos that I watch.
Me, considering the quite likely scenario of the brother abandoning his siblings, going to college, and still ending up without an amazing job to provide for them XD
Just quit my sidejob to focus on expanding my other carreer path. Really needed to hear this today!
You get to define your own success, and you should define it before someone else defines it for you.
Very succinctly put, and one of the most insightful comments I've read here.
The part about restraining empathy is incredibly valuable. We tend to assume that doing the empathetic thing, giving of yourself and helping is always better than the alternative, and you've shown that is not always the case.
However I have to say that there are some points that would need to be expanded upon. For instance the bit about toxic fuel. When you're working for a boss who does not appreciate you and disrespects you - you could work harder, but the is absolutely no guarantee that you will rise in the ranks - if anything, the boss is going to want to keep you where you are, to exploit you, and if you keep at this, you'll get burnt out.
I don't want to be successful anymore. I just want to be happy.
I've been where you are, if you have happiness as your goal you will never get it.
@@jubin9730 exactly, chasing happiness is like chasing a ghost. Chase purpose and service, happiness will come
Happiness comes and goes, meaning is forever
Imagine if everyone was that way. There'd be no more advancement in the world, production, anything, because everyone would just sit there & "be happy". Almost like a bunch of robot sheep. Emotions make us human.
@@TheHighBikeI think you are halfway misguided and mostway incorrect. Happiness is not a button you can push. And in the first place, who are you progressing for?
Great advices. One thing that helps me a lot is not saying no, but actually doing what I want, feel like or find better. There's a saying: Better apologize than ask for permission.
This is one of my favorite videos of HGGG.
Maybe even my top favorite, since it's so relevant to me.
Looking forward to hearing about cognitive reframing
Reframing, well the purpose of feelings is to manipulate you into biologically relevant actions. Anger/Hate, Sadness, Happyness, Guilt/Fear are all Frame driven, where the frame gives complex reality a more understandable frame of reference where things can be more "good or bad". There is however one emotion that is unbound which you can leverage to move the frame itself once you understand it, that emotion is Curiosity.
None of the other emotions really do anything without the frame so they are powerless to change it, and curiosity doesn't care about the frame so it usually doesn't fiddle with it either, however you can focus it to do exactly that once you understand what it is.
Hey Dr. K, We would love to have a separate video on all 3 types of Coping Mechanism from you. Great stuff, as always!
Love the video! Made me realize similar problems I've been facing in my personal life. For example I have a tendency to not be able to say no because I don't want the person I care to think that I don't. I think this in turn sacrifices my time and effort and the other person starts to depend on me for everything. Which probably in the end doesn't help both parties.
dude let me just say, I fucking LOVE you not just because of how elocuent you present information and teach but also... What youre doing is so VITAL and NEEDED for the human psyche. Keep going, big fan here.
The thing with the 2 examples that you gave is that is fine and dandy to plan for 10 years ahead, but you have to make it to tomorrow first!
Excellent point.
Thank goodness you brought this up! Truly, investing has changed my perspective on how one can succeed in life; working multiple jobs isn't the optimal way to attain financial freedom and unfortunately, we discover this later in life. Currently earn as much as 10 grand weekly and this has improved my financial life. Great piece!…
Wow, congratulations on your impressive investment success! Your discipline and focus on delayed gratification is truly inspiring. I'm curious, what are some of the key factors that you consider when making investment decisions? Do you have any tips for those of us who are just starting to dip our toes into the world of investing? Thanks for sharing your story!
Do you mind sharing info on the adviser who
assisted you? I'm 39 now and would love to
grow my portfolio and plan my retirement
She’s OLIVIA SULLIVAN FINANCIALS
She's definitely going to help you. All you have to do is look up her full name and reach out to her
Getting Olivia Sullivan to help me really helped me clear all my debts. I started with what I have left and it's been the best decision I ever made
I thought this was an interesting video-especially the portions of the video where you talk about empathic shielding and short v. long term compassion and the ability of high performers to be more strategic in saying no. Thank you for posting!
best advice dr k ever said was to give into the emotion of stress and run as fast as I can when im stressed or anxious. Changed my life, works so well to get rid of it.
It amazes me to learn of things I started doing by instinct to better myself.
Experienced an extremely traumatizing event that ruined my life. While trying to crawl out of that hole, I began doing a bunch of changes to myself to never have someone do what they did again.
Resulting in a lot of self improvement and awareness at a lot of failings in myself.
It’s nice when I then learn the very things I do/did were the correct ones. Now I can have the proper terminology for it, and more consciously improve upon.
All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Due to our sin. Hell is the punishment
.“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”
Revelation 21:8 KJV
but Jesus who is God. Came down to earth as a man lived a perfect life never sinned people got jealous of him got him convicted on false charges then he died buried and resurrected
Remember how I said our sin is why we can’t go to heaven? The only thing that can wash away your sins in the blood of Jesus
“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.” Roman’s 5:8-9 KJV
So to get saved is super easy
“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast.”
Ephesians 2:8-9 KJV
Salvation is a free gift by faith alone. You can’t earn it by going to church, getting water baptized, or by any good thing you do.
“For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.”
2 Corinthians 7:10 KJV
Then you just have to feel guilty and sorry for being a sinner and repent for being a sinner. Do you feel guilty for being a sinner? If you do then there’s just one final step.
“that if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
Romans 10:9 KJV
Pretty much all you have to do is tell God out loud with your mouth that you believe the gospel. That’s it super simple. You MUST mean it from your heart to work.
You can pray something like this
“dear God i repent as a sinner. i believe jesus is God, who died, buried, and ressurected, so his blood can wash away my sins. so i only trust in the blood alone to save me not my good works. Save me from hell in jesus name i pray amen”
If you meant it your saved!
Re: the person who raised their siblings and the one who went off to college-maybe the lesson here isn't that it's good to "restrain" your compassion but that our society punishes people who are unable to do so, and that's, bad? Sure person 2's siblings look up to them, but do they feel loved by them in the same way? Or did they simply learn that it's more important to look out for yourself and your own financial gain than to care for your loved ones? I understand that your job with many of your clients is to help them achieve what our society narrowly terms "success," but maybe we should take a step back and wonder if that kind of success is really what we should value and strive for.
This is exactly how I felt about this, glad to find someone else who actually values humanity and not money
You are doing the same thing, you are defining what someone should do as you thing something is better overall than something else.
This is some of the most useful and actionable advice that you have ever shared on this channel. S tier video 🙌
Dayom! The explanation that I’ve never thought it existed. These behaviors are really small things that will be a big snowballs if the time has passed, if I use them in the right way, thanks!
I wouldn't exactly call CEO's or managers high performers though. Most companies i worked at they usually are narcissistic short-sighted wipes with nothing more then their own gain in mind.
I have seen wild animals have more compassion for serious stuff surrounding their personnel or even tactical business decisions. And how do they keep that position? Someone higher up with the same mentality that goes full nepotism on the company.
Trying your best is cool and all, but let's be real, 90% depends on the family you are born in and the money/friends they have.
A college degree or university degree isn't a sign of intelligence, it's a sign of wealth and a free check to a lot of jobs.
You gave a perfect example of 15:18
As a person who's finally living his dream, I feel targeted because I just finally got skilled to say no to other people to the point of cutting them off 😅now I'm just assessing (been months still cooking) whether cutting off the toxic part is correlated to my sustained performance or just pure luck, who knows? time can only tell, but one thing I figured out is I'm far too emotionally fragile to handle being sandbagged and keep my dream at the same time (psychological state is a huge factor), especially if its daily exposure (desensitized) and coming from a long-time friend which is hard-earned as an introvert, thanks dr.k really put some things to perspective.
Thank you for sharing! I'm feeling like this too, emotionally fragile and drained from helping others. I'm making an effort to stop, because I don't think it's good to try and help while you're drained. Happy for you living your dream!
Don’t abandon unless they’re making it clear they will not love you back even then love them but distance n tell them what they’re doing wrong give them an opportunity to fix
Finally someone qualified talking about the correlation of personality disorders and performance/results. Professionals are afraid of saying this, but in the studies of crime scenes it gives me anger to see how many people get away with a lot of stuff. This can't be a coincidence. It shouldn't be advised, but certainly we can learn something from it in a healthy way.
I really like your introduction on these skills. Ever since I became more aware of my emotions and psychology, I got sorted of trapped within the emotion focused coping. At times that I feel bad about where I am in life, I often do those and tell myself that I need to love myself more. I felt something was wrong, that I don't see myself going anywhere, but I don't see in the majority of psychological and well-being content where I could be wrong. They always say that you shall take off workload and follow your "heart" to gain self-esteem and that "you deserve all the good". I started to lose motivation and the courage to push myself a little more and simply get better.
Thanks a lot. Your content is helpful as always.
Absolute quality content once more, thank you for all your work Dr. K. Keep it up!
With all respect, I think that your channel helped a lot of people and still continues to do so. And I agree with a lot of your opinions. I must go against you here and say that going to college is the wrong move for a lot of people. A lot of the high paying jobs are locked behind that degree, but colleges have become institutes that do not have the best wishes for students in mind. I would go as far as to say that they are taking advantage of young people. A lot of people: drop out; learn useless things; do not/can not use their degree after they graduated. I never expected you to get to this level of clickbait with the CEO bulls*** which promotes the wrong things, such as sociopathic behaviour or leaving your family behind for the wrong things. I am not saying that you should not strive for things, such as becoming a CEO or opening a business, but people should know that the ones who get there are the ones who have a path open for them from birth, and the rest of them are the exception and not the rule. I really wonder if you are helping anyone in this video, other than yourself. Who cares about CEO's if they make a very small percentaje of the population. Does that mean we have to be like them? F No
not everyone has what it takes to start a business, and without that, it is difficult to make ~100k a year. In 2024, 100k is upper middle class at most, sometimes just lower, depending on where you live in the world. USA is also probably the only place you can make 100k without a degree (trades). its not an option in most other countries. So while a degree is not optimal, its the best most of us average people have. Not all of us have the social skills and resourcefulness and resources to start a business and live a few years without an income. for someone who can't do trades or start a business, a (useful) college degree is the next best thing.
also, we all want to be CEOs because we all want to not work a 9-5 until we die. unfortunately, not all of us have the skills and lack of decency to do so, as you said.
Someone got sucked into the minutiae of the example and missed the entire point
Amazing how u are stuck on the CEO narrative and ignore how he mentioned being a surgeon? is being a CEO the only form of success? do surgeons come from rich homes? atheletes who earned millions, majority of them came from average homes.
@@CK-lt6jl You make a fair and coherent point. If you or anybody else find this video helpful, then good for you. Yet, I stand by my argument, which is an anti-college one(if I may say so). I also must say, that I never suggested that the average people lack skill or decency to be a CEO, but that it depends on circumstance more than anything else. For further clarification, I refered to the CEO's lack of "common decency". Now, I can not say what percentage of them have those negative traits. I think people should know what sacrifices they have to make and what obstacles they will encounter.
I think this video is for those people who have been trying to become successful and are willing to sacrifice things to achieve what they want. However, as they do not realize the things that drag them behind, they suffer more and more, which is what he is trying to prevent.
The video is controversial, but he is correct in his own regards. This video serves to enlighten people of their problems and provide a safe space for overcoming their problems.
I myself ought to help out other people, but it is meaningless for many cases. If I lend my friend some money, what will he do with it? Will it actually benefit him achieve anything meaningful? I usually lend him the money, but then it doesn't really help anyone, and I question if I should anymore.
With his video, I have a clearer answer. I have been helped with my self-esteem when I do not lend something to my friend knowing nothing will come out of it, and in fact it is better that I do not, as that promotes short-term misery but long-term success, which is what I want (usually).
Your standpoints are valid to some degree, so further insight should be taken. But that's all I have to say for now.
Farewell.
Omg I needed this. The getting suckered into short term compassion is me, and I always end up feeling taken advantage of and feeling and acting salty.
This is probably my favourite video. I am saving this video now.
Maybe there's a philosophical point also applicable to real life in there but I just wanna say as a hobbyist gardener, a lot of dead and screwed up plants lie in the shadow of most "green thumbs" 😅
The gardening equivalent of the Polish saying "Every doctor has his own cemetary"
Would love to see what Dr. K thinks about Outliers and how to behave if you are not one but want to be successful.
I had a boss who was definitely an outlier. Exceptionally kind and enthusiastic, he ran a successful startup, and i think that's where people like that excel.
Success is subjective, set a realistic expectation of success for your ability and pursue it. You shouldn't want to be a billionaire, that's unhealthy materialistic obsession. You should want to provide value to those around you by doing something you're good at that gives you satisfaction, that satisfaction of fulfilling a useful role is the only real measure of success.
@@vyvianalcott1681 My definition of success is far away from being a billionare. But outliers is not just about money. It is about how luck plays a big part in your success. So, how do we adapt that to society that believes luck is not that important, only hard work? What should one do, if you want to be good, while not being an outlier?
Which can mean not being born in a certain month if you want to do sports etc. Not sure if people here seen the talk on Outliers or read the book.
@@azzy9358 Not trying to argue against any of the points you've raised, but do we truly live in a society that believes luck is NOT that important? At least in the U.S., I thought most folks believe in the hard work + luck = success model.
@@leafboy3967 if you startup alone you can't climb by being machiavellian. only by hard work so there is some truth
This was a standout excellent video! Definitely want more content like this!
Thankyou for all the help over the years. I’m making the decision to find peace and move on from this life. You’ve been a wonderful help to me over the years and I wish I could pay it back. I’ve accepted that my death doesn’t need to be a sad thing, and that it truly is better this way. For the remainder of my time here I am going to be as positive and joyous as I can be, and try to experience as much as possible
Hey, my friend, are you okay? If you don't know, let me tell you that life is so rich of different moments and we cannot assume that what we see and live is given to us freely. We have to suffer, to discover, to renew ourselves, but we are togethere in this path. So I am hoping you are okay and I send you a big hug 🫂💌🍀
@@tudorscutariu1012 Ive got to experience amazing things and have had a good life all things considered. I dont regret living. but I am done. I will disagree that we are in this together; We are born alone, and we die alone and I accept it. we step on each other to get to the top. I dont want to be part of it. I am okay dont worry. This is my choice and Im happy with it. Ive got time to do what I need to do before I leave. I believe in the right to die of my own accord. and I wish the best for everyone on this planet.
as a man that follows buddhism, why the need for success? Doesn't this limit your goal to achieve nirvana?
Why is it necessary to desire more in this world with limited resources? Why speak of it in a positive way?
Agreed
Because the more you have, the better you can teach people to fish, so to speak.
Whether you actually teach them to "fish" once you have abundance, however is your moral choice.
Most of those who consider themselves "charitable" are doing nothing more than keeping people from learning to fish by giving them fish.
@@nipunagunarathne4882 are you replying to my comment? Cuz that doesn't make sense IF you were. I'm talking about the actual goal of buddha, achieving nirvana. Did you know some buddhist monks would rather not marry and not have kids because it gets in the way of achieving their goal? Which to me makes sense. You see in life we are so used to having our expectations met. And when those expectations are not met it leads to suffering. The whole point of nirvana is to evolve outside this realm of suffering. To escape rebirth of samsara. It's kind of like the movie the Matrix. You all live all your lives filled with needs that go untended. Suffering. Disappointed. Making it hard for everyone to find the beauty in life.
Someone that talks about Buddhism and success in both sentences, is weird in my opinion. Even Herman Hesse's take on Buddha and success ended in him turning away from the empire he built. Like Bob Marley said "possessions make you rich? I don't have that type of richness, my richness is life." (not the greatest man to quote but it's true)
This deserves to be a pinned comment.
Dr.K's origin story, the part where he wanted to be a monk and was told he had "nothing worth giving up". I imagine that's why
The timing of this post is mind blowing. I’m literally working on this right now, not trying to be seem like a victim but actually just a flat dumbass-
after helping so many people when they’re down then they don’t return the favor, actually quite the opposite, they get more conservative and pretend they did it all on their own; is starting to really jade me and make me very resentful. Especially when I see there are areas I’ve helped, and they ( my “friends” or better yet “ex girlfriends”) can say no to. It’s like they’re looking after themselves and that’s it. I kinda admire it and am going to start doing that myself. You have no idea how angry it has made me, trying to save up for a goal, but using my money to help FEED and shelter someone, and they can’t return the favor, actually they steal your idea and move on it faster, and since they aren’t even contributing to the group effort, they can save much faster. Because it easy when you only have to pay for yourself, and not babysit another grown fucking adult.
It's like you're investing all your time and energy into other people and are angry about the fact its working. That's wrong on so many levels. Feeding and sheltering someone permanently isn't genuinly helping them. You should help them provide for themselves. That can temporarily be sheltering and feeding them, but is never the final goal.
Only help people who are trying to help themselves and appreciate your assistance. Everyone else is a leech, trying to survive on their unaffordable lifestyle.
"Helping others" is seen as virtuous in western society and high-visibilty help is often done for financial gain via virtue signaling, ie getting views on social media. The general population then thinks giving up 20% or more of your valuable minutes/$ makes you worthy of respect and some karmic ROI but in reality it has become clear that "being helpful" without direct compensation is a concept that plagues those without the additional resources to sacrifice. It could be viewed as a societal construct designed to keep the middle and lower classes in place, much like the misconstrued phrase "money can't buy happiness". All of the "help" I've provided over the years to family, friends, and employer has essentially been for nothing. Would like to get every one of those dollars and hours back.
Speak softly and carry a big stick. Be kind to others, but have a limit and be ready to be a ruthless SOB if needed.
This video really spoke to me. I sacrificed my time and hours to support my family because of an absent parent, but I always felt some resentment towards them. My peers are successful with Bachelor's degrees and with good jobs, whereas I am working a menial job to support my family and put myself through Uni.
I envied my peers and hated my life.
This video was a wake-up call to change for the better. I need to value myself more and work on what I want from life. This life is all I get, so I'm going to try to make the most of it. Not always thinking about present situation (which sucks), but about the future I want to have.
Thanks Dr. K
Love the distinction between short term compassion and long term compassion. I saw that a lot in the unhoused community. Would give you the shirt off their back. But could never differentiate what the best long-term thing would be to do. (obviously that's not all homeless, but it was definitely a trend I noticed)
Thank you for your work bro
Realistically we live in a competitive world, with a limited amount of high paying jobs, a limited numbers of investors and business opportunities, a limited number of slots in high end colleges, etc. We cannot all go from the bottom 75 to the top 10, that math simply doesn't work out. Without significant societal economic reforms there will always be a majority of people in lower paying, less satisfying "lower performing" jobs. So maybe rather than compare ourselves based on performance we should be looking at ways to improve our lives on an individual level without emulating the neurotic sociopaths that make them worse.
Amen to that.
Well.. for me success is being a gardner for someone else its to be a ceo. Success is achieving what you aim at ( and aim at something you really want not just survival)
Its not everyone aiming at the exact same thing.
Thank you so much for making these videos! ❤
Nice one, I didn't understand the last point. Seems like patience is what he is speaking about
There is no need to be in a top percent,just live your life and do what you can and want.say no if its too much or purposeless.the end
I don't necessarily agree. If you remain in a toxic work environment where your manager is basically creating a hostile work environment, then it's only going to hinder your performance over time and end up with you terminated from the position. This idea of sticking it out only works if your boss is actually knowledgeable and well respected among their peers. Taking the medical student perspective, if your boss is this narcissistic sociopath and has literally no publications and hasn't practiced medicine in over a decade, you probably shouldn't 'stick it out'. I don't necessarily believe in this masochistic perspective but feel there is merit to thinking the best performers are individuals who had some struggle and persevered. Again, going back to this horrible boss, if they slam you with poor performance review, I 100% guarantee that will not accelerate your ascent into your career.
Hearing this makes me realize how many people rationalize or "cope" away action-oriented coping so that they can allow themselves to avoid short-term suffering, & wallow in self-satisfied misery instead of fixing anything about their life
I had a lot of momentum towards my goals, having that sort of suitably inflated narcissism, neuroticism to propel towards success.
Moving out of my parents place, getting sick with something I though would kill me and then watching the world turn upside down with covid, this new cold war et.c. really put a dent in my self-confidence.
I did learn much compassion which I'm very grateful for and I did gain a much more holistic view of the world.
But toxic fuel was what I'd been using for survival and success for all my life, so I was stuck in a complete rut.
Only now slowly learning motivation through means which aren't just a cocktail of fear and self-aggrandizement.
It hasn't been easy, but I reckon that now if I reach that success I pursue I'll actually be truly able to kick back and enjoy the fruits of my labor.
to people saying success is all about luck:
I started a business with 0 confidence, 0 dollars and 0 connections on Oct 2023 (more than a year ago). This month i reached almost 300 usd of passive income (big number where i live) and it helps me pay for some expanses while i study full time (STEM major).
Sure 300 is not much, but it's great for me. Don't ever give up and don't ever say you can't. there is always a way
300 is nothing. Stay humble
That's pretty good, thanks for sharing.
most small businesses fail in the first 5 years. Lets see if your business exists after 5 years.
Started an e-commerce business & almost reached of half a mil in sales my first 8 months LOL I looked back & realized I started at the right time AKA LUCK
@@teemumiettinen7250no one cares
I was immediately intrigued by this video because I paid for JBP’s 5 Aspects test several years ago and scored in the ~40th percentile in Conscientiousness (not that great…) and an insane 99th percentile in Neuroticism, which I found baffling and always took it to be such a negative trait of mine. I don’t think it’s ever good to lie in the extremes of anything, whether it’s politics or a trait of the Big 5 Personality Aspects/Factor Model.
I need Part 2 for this video regarding cognitive reframing as I’m not doing too great in life these days. I believe my propensity for neuroticism allowed me to thrive in the startup scene a few years ago, but I’ve long left that field behind because I needed to take care of my ailing mother and greataunt. Listening to this video now has me seriously second-guessing the years I’ve potentially “wasted” with short-term compassion by directly helping my family instead of climbing up some corporate ladder to make the big bucks so that I could pay someone else to take care of them instead. Sigh…
Reframe your Brain by Scott Adams may be a good start
Thanks so much for this video Dr K, really helped me
I think that particular situation was good for the intuition of the video and illustrative purpose, but when you’re demonstrating “short term compassion” because you have a younger siblings calling you sobbing because they haven’t been in a home with electricity for weeks, can’t do their homework, and haven’t eaten in days, it’s not that simple as saying no for your long term goals.
So I need to be more sociopathic. Gotcha
psycho-/sociopathy is always confused with narcissism. Its not about boasting your casual disregard to show dominance like a narcissist. Its about wielding your compassion responsibly like the powerful and dangerous tool it is.
Welcome to capitalism!
@@ataarono They are functionally identical but thanks for the irony ...
@@3nertia No problem
The problem is that you view this as a negative thing. Being moderately sociopathic is a good thing.
Lol, if aspiring to be a CEO is your idea of success, get ready for a depraved, disconnected life. I hope, Dr. K, that this video is more of a warning than a guide (I say this as someone who worked for Goldman for 7 years).
I totally agree with you. Now my question, especially to Dr K, is that what is the point of being highly successful that goes beyond your family, friends and organization? Do high performing individuals especially in a macro scale really need to influence others in order for the rest of us properly live in this world? That is why I am questioning people like from Ivy Leagues or high level people from Fortune 500 like you. Is it possible for the world to just leave the rest alone and mind their own business?
Dr. K is a psychologist, not a philosopher. He goes by the science which is overwhelmed by evidence that conforming to society will maintain one's mental stability. Seems to me that depravity and disconnection is considered a small price to pay when you're able to succeed in the rat race of life
I feel called out. I think it’s a good thing
Dr K please tell us more about coping mechanisms!this was such an eye-opener
It seems like this advice is best in a corporate or organizational environment. In most other environments it is a choice.
Please dr k, expand upon this idea more in a stream.
Great content man! Spot on with observations
100% on long-term vs short-term compassion. Also on being proficient at which asks/tasks to reject.
The “middle way” is somewhat manipulative, in my opinion. You change your behavior and actions in order to get people to respect you/get them to do what you want in the future. This is a thought I always battle with
Mild form of grooming😆
GOD WORKS WONDER. I needed to hear this, so simple yet so breakthrough in my head. Thank you so much 🙏
Thank you for putting out such a video all things you mentioned is what I am dealing with Thank you 🙏🏽
what high performers do that you don't:
they fail to make healthy connections between their work output and self worth, or self worth in general
the resulting insecurity drives them into a sustained cycle of "performance" which is reinforced by external praise and feedback from the existing cultural structures which are all geared towards "get your money up", "more money = better person", and devalues empathy. Once they have money, they need to spend it and show it off, to prove they have money, and then have to go make lots more, rinse and repeat
What no one is doing is asking who is more valuable to society: Bezos or Beethoven, guys like Jack Welch or guys like Nikola Tesla.
Or should we even be in the business of asking the question, "who is more valuable/performant"
So Dr. K, how do you define "high performance" and how did you arrive at that definition?
Ok that is my starting perspective, as I hit play on this video. Are these addressed or do we gloss over the assumptions
Hello, can you talk about "savior complex" please? Great video
help others... they never asked or cared... get amgery about that.
Thank you for clarifying this issue. I have been thinking about it for some time and my actions are also heading in this direction. That's why I got a good degree in programming at 40. The biggest inner blockage was/is now and then the doubt of being too selfish, which was instilled in me as a child by my mother, who is very selfish herself. She did it so that I would serve her. But hey, it's getting better and I trust my own inner voice more and more.
Thats kind of interesting
Feels like this is a psychology take on time preference, which is very helpful imo