Susan, I understand that disgust! Of course, a betrayed person will be affected and getting emotional support/therapy is often very important. Asa person who works with trauma, I know that one of the worst kinds of trauma is interpersonal trauma when the person who you thought you can count on, abuses or neglect or betrays instead.
@@ToddCreager so true! When the one person who was supposed to love and protect me was the one person who has chosen to hurt me more than anything that I have ever experienced. If it had only happened a few times I could have gotten through it, but it wasn’t. It continued for the entirety of our relationship, dating for 6 years and 21 years of marriage. The entire time. The worst for me is that my entire life has been a lie AND a waste. All that time just lost, gone forever. I was 16 when I met him and fell in love, I am 44 years old now and I honestly feel like I am 100. I feel just used up, dried up, and worthless. I don’t have the strength to pick myself up again for the umpteenth time just to go through this all over again. I’ve forgiven and opened up again and again over the entire 21 years. I will forgive this too however I won’t do this to myself again. Our relationship is permanently over now. I won’t put myself this grief again, I will never put my trust or heart in his hands ever again.
#Facts and mine chose to do what she wanted after I broke my neck and was on strong psych drugs that caused suicidal ideation. Now I question if it's even possible to heal physically or mentally at this point.
He cheated me out of so so so much. I could’ve had that wonderful, warm feeling of security, contentment, and trust that you get from knowing you have a teammate in life but he robbed me of that, too. Worse than that, he showed me what it felt like and THEN took it away forever
I feel you, experienced the same. She had an emotional affair after a 13+ years long peaceful relationship based on dialogue and trust. She not only destroyed this relationship (which was wonderful for the most part and still good in the end), she also robbed me of all the good memories I had from it because I'm now second guessing everything she ever did or said.
It changes the way you see your partner because they are no longer the rock in your life they are now suspect and everything they do from here on out will always be questioned. Trust is the one thing that is free but once it’s lost no amount of money can buy it back. Once the trust is gone it’s gone forever and it’s time to move on.
Omg I have watched and listen to all these videos on staying after being cheated on but I'll never truly trust her again this knife wound in my back might heal or fade but it's always gonna be there. I'm betting than this. Living without self respect is not living.
@@igy648 The wound never heels as long as you’re with them. Trust me I know this pain. The trust is gone forever and even if you only caught her once, she’s probably done it a dozen other times that you didn’t catch. Its amazing how many women are cheaters. A lot of my female friends and coworkers cheat regularly and brag about it, even though some of them have children and know it will destroy their marriage and their kids, they don’t care.
Thank you. As a betrayed and abandoned I now know: Whatever reasons they give you why it has been your fault too: it’s not true. Everybody makes mistakes. But betraying the LOVE AND HEARTFELT TRUST of a person (not talking about „just“ sex) makes you enter the ninth circle of hell in Dante’s Divine comedy for a reason..
I’m a man who has been betrayed by my wife. She had an emotional and physical affair that lasted 6 years. I’m speaking up bc I’ve found very little for men who have been the victims of betrayal. And the little that is out here is like this, where you basically are saying men should suck it up. I want to leave, but I’m physically and emotionally paralyzed. It’s just too much and I need help.
Im Sorry for your pain. I too wss Cheated on and are Surving the pain. you and I know its trully unbearable sometimes. it feeks like theft like your years have been stolen, your youth, by someone who had no imtention to build but they just kept leading you on. and not loving you but staying with you. I Understand and when you feel alone say a Prayer for me as well. so that you remember there are so many of us outthere
Me too I was cheated twice by my husband. Now I realized that it is not healthy to stay with toxic partner. All I want now is to get a help on how to heal from being betrayed.
I relate 100% to what you said here. I'm so at a loss for how to go forward. I loved her we have two little kids together and she is begging for another chance. But I find the only time I trust her is when she is in sight. Once she leaves home I can only conclude she may be right back at the same shit. This life I'm living right now is not life it's a joke but the only people who are laughing are her and her lovers( yes two lovers). Frigging cheating wife in a way it's causing me to hate her totally hate her.
I was told of a philosophy to explain to a new partner... I will give you one chance (only emotional infidelity), but if you choose to cheat on me again, I will go out into the wilderness and dig two graves. Or we can get divorced right now.
@@DoubtingThomas333 thank you . But she knew the consequence. She just didn't care. I hate her more everyday. She will get her just dessert in the end.
My partners infidelity led to a disease I can't cure. So the layers of anguish I feel are trifold and the disgust I have with myself for allowing this to happen and not protecting myself are gut wrenching.
Those are questions, Susan, I hear a lot and they are important questions. Before forgiveness, usually a few things have to happen first. The one who betrays has to take responsibility, listen deeply to your pain and feelings, understand what was behind his cheating/secret and learn better ways to deal with whatever factors were behind his cheating. Once you feel heard and notice some real changes, you can forgive. Forgiveness is basically to help you- help you let go of the pain and feel the healing. It is a way of taking your power back. It is less about consequences and more about learning and change if there is to be trust rebuilt. Relationships can heal despite being tainted. I use the analogy of scars. If you have a scar, it doesn't make you less beautiful, worthy, etc. If you want to work it out, that idea of being tainted does not need to get in the way. I would lastly say that whatever you choose- remember to be kind to yourself.
Forgiving doesn’t mean you will stay with him. I divorced and I forgave in a way that I can be in the same room with him and his current wife with whom he cheated on me - and I’m not upset. Forgiving is letting go of the pain and focussing on you. His consequences will come with life, trust me, he will pay for it but that should not have anything to do with you. You choose forgiveness for you and you alone!
Also, the relationship is tainted. You can choose to restore it, independent from the forgiveness. For me, that was not a good choice. I forgave, but I felt that that relationship was not worth restoring. I wanted something new, someone that valued me and respected me and cared enough to fight for us instead of cheating. There are situations in which the cheater changes for the better and it could be worth starting over, but to me that was a risk I was unwilling to take.
The only working out that you need to do with a cheater is working them out of your life… don’t listen to all this it will make the relationship better crap, Better for who? Because you’ll be the one with the trust issue, worrying, health problems etc…
Throw all this out the window in my case. When they choose their affair partner who they've known for 4 months over their 10 year marriage there comes a time you have to quit. I would still try to work it out but I deserve someone who would choose me and fight for me.
When you realize how common is cheating for any dumb reason, It´s easier to tell yourself: Partners are not family , they are more like workmates sharing a bed and having a project in common that it´s usually starting a home. Like workmates, don´t expect them to be in your life forever. Don´t overthink about future, just enjoy the good moments, practice forgivness in order to not dragging any anger or frustrations to future partners and in deead always be ready to say good bye when you have to.
I chose to divorce and forgive and that was the best decision made. That kickstarted a healing journey for me that ended up in a committed relationship with an amazing man that loves and cares for me like nobody ever has before. I started a new love story and let go of the past. ❤
Basically, there was a period of time when only two of three people who were involved sexually consented. There is the added disrespect related to the non consensual sex. #metoo has described non consensual sex due to power differences. #metoo should expand to address this type of non consensual sex. Similar to the sexual betrayal described by the #metoo movement . The power difference in most relationships, the gaslighting and emotional vulnerability that happen over time, this parallels then stance of #metoo. This behavior does not bode well for the character and personality of the adulterer. There is also to be a lack of empathy displayed by the possibility of being caught is appealing in the adulterous relationship, this shows a careless disregard , a lack of impulse control, risking being discovered and cause pain for the non consenting partner does not disturb the adulterer. There is a lack of empathy common with narcissism. Also, “forgiveness” is simple, but not easy.
I broke up with my ex dec 18, 2 years ago. Just recently found out she is having a 2nd kid. I’m ok with it, I just haven’t moved past the grieving, resentful part I do feel stuck in it. I want to not be bitter, & forgive her. & also the shame of not making good decisions while receiving the revelations, & I definitely got locked into contempt in anger, I asked her to go to therapy she said we not married & we already have to go to couples therapy, after a house fire during Covid & 3 deaths, she was out drinking doing drugs & cheating living a double life. It was so distasteful but I definitely took the opportunity to dig deeper I had that ego death, but I’m stuck at the grieving part still I think.
Divorce, you will always resent you’re partner. You will never trust them. It is over. Take this from someone who was on the receiving end of infidelity.
So these type of people do not understand and only do this when they think they can get away with it. You deal out vengeance to these type of people they will get in a fetal position and act like victim. Personally it doesn't matter whether they're on the planet or not.
I get so disgusted that no one wants to take responsibility for the victim's part, influence and hurtful-causing behaviors that attributed to the emotional abandonment, punishment of sabotaging and other cruel ways that didn't CAUSE the choice but pushed the partner towards the moves they made. Sometimes, years of cold, rude treatment, hardness of heart and so forth.
C. Reese- I am the first to agree with you. We never want to blame the victim but especially with couples, I make sure each person "looks in their own backyard," to see how they contributed to the problems and how they now possibly could contribute to the healing.
Dude, your particular case is really extreme. In first place, if you receive that kind of treatment for years... why do you stay there? I don´t stay where love and respect are imposible to get. You deserve to find a better place, Just choosing yourself over abusive partners.
Because so few are good at it. Our pastor asked me what I did to FORCE my (now ex) wife have an affair. The question was as if she had no agency. The affair has to end before you can address both the betrayed and the unfaithful party's contributions to the state of the relationship pre-affair. I don't doubt my wife felt alone and abandoned. She had spent years rejecting my bids for connection. Putting the kids before me, avoiding conversations to address unmet needs with both had. Eventually, I just dove into hobbies and work. I'm sure the unfaithful party does feel what they feel. The question is, why did they choose to go nuclear in a conventional war? Why did they reject the bids theri spouse made YEARS before he withdrew? And of course, are they willing to end the affair and commit to repairing the relationship? Or, do they just feel entitled to an affair because they were unhappy, but never bothered to actually use the words, "I'm unhappy" until they are caught up in the affair. I don't deny they feel what they feel. I have a bit of a problem with blaming the betrayed for their choice. Each has a role to play in the state of the relationship. Not just the betrayed. If the unfaithful party was unhappy, chances are, so was the betrayed party. To suggest that only if he would have treated her differently and her affair wouldn't have happened is tone-deaf at best and comes across as blaming the victim.
@@AK-gk6sd I have. I made her leaving as easy and loving as possible. Maybe in a couple years once I'm whole, I'll show up and see if she still wants me. As for now she is gone. But I've found peace and joy and God, my life will be better now even without. Thank you so much for taking the time to msg me. If there's anything I can do, even just listen to you, let me know. TONS OF LOVE from Canada
Hopefully, your former partner will find happiness and love with someone else. Someone with character and integrity. You're broken? You destroyed your partner.
Reality check, If you have a wife, and you say she has never cheated on you, You are not the expert you think you are, You have no way of knowing if they have cheated or not until you catch them or they admit to it from guilt. To think otherwise is foolish, Everyone says my wife would never do that, until they do that. It is simple, If you are married, You live with the daily possibility of Infidelity, Just know that it is common place, And you are not responsible for the immorality of your spouse.
I heard every reason why she did it "you worked to much, you were mean to me then, you weren't meeting my emotional needs" listen to me ladies and gentlemen very carefully, find out EVERYTHING you can, do not take their word for anything, find out every. Little. Detail. This may sound counter productive but it absolutely isn't, the more I dug through phone records the tens of thousands of messages to other men, yes it sucks learning that nothing was sacred and everything you thought you shared between each other (music, sexual things you explored together) privately was just fuel they could use for attention from other men. It was necessary for me to learn everything because all the shit excuses and blame shifting lasted for almost an entire year, just two days ago after confronting her claims that I wasn't paying attention to her and meeting her needs, I went through our text and phone logs and confirmed that when she started cheating 9 months after we got engaged things where going pretty well, if I hadn't dug and kept all those call logs records appdata from all of the different apps she was using then I wouldn't have been able to argue my points with her sit here still thinking that I did something wrong somehow and I wasn't paying enough attention to her meeting her needs, What I ended up finding out because I had all this information, was it she was just jealous and racked With Envy wanted to take me down a peg because I lost 100 lb and got in good shape I had abs. Instead of sharing in my joy and my accomplishments she sat in a corner and wallowed in her self misery and meanwhile she was stuffing her face with Taco Bell and blowing up like the Michelin man. Then a month before the wedding she starved herself got down to 170 from 200 something and then after that she ballooned to a cool 250. During that whole time she treated me like shit. And I had no idea why
It disgusts me that he’s the one who chose to cheat but I’m the one who needs mental health help
Susan, I understand that disgust! Of course, a betrayed person will be affected and getting emotional support/therapy is often very important. Asa person who works with trauma, I know that one of the worst kinds of trauma is interpersonal trauma when the person who you thought you can count on, abuses or neglect or betrays instead.
@@ToddCreager so true! When the one person who was supposed to love and protect me was the one person who has chosen to hurt me more than anything that I have ever experienced. If it had only happened a few times I could have gotten through it, but it wasn’t. It continued for the entirety of our relationship, dating for 6 years and 21 years of marriage. The entire time. The worst for me is that my entire life has been a lie AND a waste. All that time just lost, gone forever. I was 16 when I met him and fell in love, I am 44 years old now and I honestly feel like I am 100. I feel just used up, dried up, and worthless. I don’t have the strength to pick myself up again for the umpteenth time just to go through this all over again. I’ve forgiven and opened up again and again over the entire 21 years. I will forgive this too however I won’t do this to myself again. Our relationship is permanently over now. I won’t put myself this grief again, I will never put my trust or heart in his hands ever again.
💯
🙏🏾💗
#Facts and mine chose to do what she wanted after I broke my neck and was on strong psych drugs that caused suicidal ideation. Now I question if it's even possible to heal physically or mentally at this point.
He cheated me out of so so so much. I could’ve had that wonderful, warm feeling of security, contentment, and trust that you get from knowing you have a teammate in life but he robbed me of that, too. Worse than that, he showed me what it felt like and THEN took it away forever
I felt that deep inside. 😞
Woah... That's deep.
I feel you, experienced the same. She had an emotional affair after a 13+ years long peaceful relationship based on dialogue and trust. She not only destroyed this relationship (which was wonderful for the most part and still good in the end), she also robbed me of all the good memories I had from it because I'm now second guessing everything she ever did or said.
@@MarkieMcG.but it’s true
The irony is the cheater cheats themselves even though they might not realise it, but one day they will and live to regret it
𝑯𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒉 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒏𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝚜 😌 ......... 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒄𝒉 𝒎𝒚 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 *𝟔𝟗𝒖𝒏𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒓𝒔 .𝒄𝒐𝒎* 𝒃𝒚 𝒔𝒑𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒏 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒑𝒉𝒐𝒏𝒆, 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒊𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒍𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 😌😔
Right! They end up hurting themselves, bad!
Don’t count on it .
Go be happy 😃
Do they really regret it???
so true, the most pain I've ever experienced. But it shaped me, and for that I'm thankful. I never want to carry guilt again, it is a heavy load.
Infidelity is about the cheater. Choices must be owned.
𝑯𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒉 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒏𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝚜 😌 ......... 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒄𝒉 𝒎𝒚 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 *𝟔𝟗𝒖𝒏𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒓𝒔 .𝒄𝒐𝒎* 𝒃𝒚 𝒔𝒑𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒏 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒑𝒉𝒐𝒏𝒆, 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒊𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒍𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 😌😔
Cheaters aren’t good at owning things
It changes the way you see your partner because they are no longer the rock in your life they are now suspect and everything they do from here on out will always be questioned. Trust is the one thing that is free but once it’s lost no amount of money can buy it back. Once the trust is gone it’s gone forever and it’s time to move on.
Omg I have watched and listen to all these videos on staying after being cheated on but I'll never truly trust her again this knife wound in my back might heal or fade but it's always gonna be there. I'm betting than this. Living without self respect is not living.
@@igy648 Cheaters never stop they just get better at not getting caught.
𝑯𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒉 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒏𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝚜 😌 ......... 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒄𝒉 𝒎𝒚 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 *𝟔𝟗𝒖𝒏𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒓𝒔 .𝒄𝒐𝒎* 𝒃𝒚 𝒔𝒑𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒏 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒑𝒉𝒐𝒏𝒆, 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒊𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒍𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 😌😔
@@user-yc4lx3ol7p I realize you’re trying to sell a product, but if you have to stoop to that level, what’s the point of being with that person?
@@igy648 The wound never heels as long as you’re with them. Trust me I know this pain. The trust is gone forever and even if you only caught her once, she’s probably done it a dozen other times that you didn’t catch. Its amazing how many women are cheaters. A lot of my female friends and coworkers cheat regularly and brag about it, even though some of them have children and know it will destroy their marriage and their kids, they don’t care.
Thank you. As a betrayed and abandoned I now know: Whatever reasons they give you why it has been your fault too: it’s not true. Everybody makes mistakes. But betraying the LOVE AND HEARTFELT TRUST of a person (not talking about „just“ sex) makes you enter the ninth circle of hell in Dante’s Divine comedy for a reason..
I’m a man who has been betrayed by my wife.
She had an emotional and physical affair that lasted 6 years. I’m speaking up bc I’ve found very little for men who have been the victims of betrayal.
And the little that is out here is like this, where you basically are saying men should suck it up.
I want to leave, but I’m physically and emotionally paralyzed.
It’s just too much and I need help.
Im Sorry for your pain. I too wss Cheated on and are Surving the pain. you and I know its trully unbearable sometimes. it feeks like theft like your years have been stolen, your youth, by someone who had no imtention to build but they just kept leading you on. and not loving you but staying with you. I Understand and when you feel alone say a Prayer for me as well. so that you remember there are so many of us outthere
@@sibongilemolale4414 I wish you well
@@AK-gk6sd sorry to hear about this. I’m here. Willing to talk and share. I can give you my email if you want to talk.
Me too I was cheated twice by my husband. Now I realized that it is not healthy to stay with toxic partner. All I want now is to get a help on how to heal from being betrayed.
I relate 100% to what you said here. I'm so at a loss for how to go forward. I loved her we have two little kids together and she is begging for another chance. But I find the only time I trust her is when she is in sight.
Once she leaves home I can only conclude she may be right back at the same shit. This life I'm living right now is not life it's a joke but the only people who are laughing are her and her lovers( yes two lovers). Frigging cheating wife in a way it's causing me to hate her totally hate her.
I have every intention of forgiving once the divorce is final I'll be like ok. I forgive you. Bye!
𝑯𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒉 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒏𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝚜 😌 ......... 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒄𝒉 𝒎𝒚 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 *𝟔𝟗𝒖𝒏𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒓𝒔 .𝒄𝒐𝒎* 𝒃𝒚 𝒔𝒑𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒏 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒑𝒉𝒐𝒏𝒆, 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒊𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒍𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 😌😔
this is so me right now!!
I was told of a philosophy to explain to a new partner...
I will give you one chance (only emotional infidelity), but if you choose to cheat on me again, I will go out into the wilderness and dig two graves. Or we can get divorced right now.
@@DoubtingThomas333 thank you . But she knew the consequence. She just didn't care. I hate her more everyday. She will get her just dessert in the end.
I agree with this!!!!
Don’t waste any time. If cheating happened. Divorce and move on. Who wants to live like this. No one
My partners infidelity led to a disease I can't cure. So the layers of anguish I feel are trifold and the disgust I have with myself for allowing this to happen and not protecting myself are gut wrenching.
If I forgive, will he get the message that ultimately there are no consequences?
And isn’t my relationship tainted now?
Those are questions, Susan, I hear a lot and they are important questions. Before forgiveness, usually a few things have to happen first. The one who betrays has to take responsibility, listen deeply to your pain and feelings, understand what was behind his cheating/secret and learn better ways to deal with whatever factors were behind his cheating. Once you feel heard and notice some real changes, you can forgive. Forgiveness is basically to help you- help you let go of the pain and feel the healing. It is a way of taking your power back. It is less about consequences and more about learning and change if there is to be trust rebuilt.
Relationships can heal despite being tainted. I use the analogy of scars. If you have a scar, it doesn't make you less beautiful, worthy, etc. If you want to work it out, that idea of being tainted does not need to get in the way. I would lastly say that whatever you choose- remember to be kind to yourself.
They focus on us to forgive easily said dont agree with video
Forgiving doesn’t mean you will stay with him. I divorced and I forgave in a way that I can be in the same room with him and his current wife with whom he cheated on me - and I’m not upset. Forgiving is letting go of the pain and focussing on you. His consequences will come with life, trust me, he will pay for it but that should not have anything to do with you. You choose forgiveness for you and you alone!
Also, the relationship is tainted. You can choose to restore it, independent from the forgiveness. For me, that was not a good choice. I forgave, but I felt that that relationship was not worth restoring. I wanted something new, someone that valued me and respected me and cared enough to fight for us instead of cheating.
There are situations in which the cheater changes for the better and it could be worth starting over, but to me that was a risk I was unwilling to take.
Forgive while you helping them pack their bags. Once the trust is gone you have nothing.
And they don’t learn. They don’t get it. They don’t care
Dr Todd helped me decide my future. After being cheated on, I found now I really have the power. Thanks Dr T.
𝑯𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒉 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒏𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝚜 😌 ......... 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒄𝒉 𝒎𝒚 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 *𝟔𝟗𝒖𝒏𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒓𝒔 .𝒄𝒐𝒎* 𝒃𝒚 𝒔𝒑𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒏 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒑𝒉𝒐𝒏𝒆, 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒊𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒍𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 😌😔
The only working out that you need to do with a cheater is working them out of your life… don’t listen to all this it will make the relationship better crap, Better for who? Because you’ll be the one with the trust issue, worrying, health problems etc…
Throw all this out the window in my case. When they choose their affair partner who they've known for 4 months over their 10 year marriage there comes a time you have to quit. I would still try to work it out but I deserve someone who would choose me and fight for me.
I just went through a mental rollercoaster of emotions, while listening to this and reminiscing on the betrayal experience. 😭 😔 😠
Thanks for your comment Jonathan!
His videos give the vibe he doesn’t see cheating as as bad thing... He just understands the emotions and hurt behind it. Like an existentialist
NOT just face to face meetings but NAKED face to face meetings.
When you realize how common is cheating for any dumb reason, It´s easier to tell yourself: Partners are not family , they are more like workmates sharing a bed and having a project in common that it´s usually starting a home.
Like workmates, don´t expect them to be in your life forever. Don´t overthink about future, just enjoy the good moments, practice forgivness in order to not dragging any anger or frustrations to future partners and in deead always be ready to say good bye when you have to.
I chose to divorce and forgive and that was the best decision made. That kickstarted a healing journey for me that ended up in a committed relationship with an amazing man that loves and cares for me like nobody ever has before. I started a new love story and let go of the past. ❤
Thanks for this
You’re welcome!
Nothing is the same.
Thank you for your wisdom. I loved this video and it helped me so much!
Basically, there was a period of time when only two of three people who were involved sexually consented. There is the added disrespect related to the non consensual sex. #metoo has described non consensual sex due to power differences. #metoo should expand to address this type of non consensual sex.
Similar to the sexual betrayal described by the #metoo movement . The power difference in most relationships, the gaslighting and emotional vulnerability that happen over time, this parallels then stance of #metoo. This behavior does not bode well for the character and personality of the adulterer. There is also to be a lack of empathy displayed by the possibility of being caught is appealing in the adulterous relationship, this shows a careless disregard , a lack of impulse control, risking being discovered and cause pain for the non consenting partner does not disturb the adulterer. There is a lack of empathy common with narcissism.
Also, “forgiveness” is simple, but not easy.
Loved this! Thanks
Once a cheater ALWAYS A CHEATER.
🇺🇸
When it's happened 4 times in your life,I feel unworthy, unattractive and a complete fool
You are worthy, attractive and you are no fool. Stop punishing yourself for a choice someone else made against you. Let it go.
What if my partner is struggling to break the affair? And is still holding onto our marriage?
I broke up with my ex dec 18, 2 years ago. Just recently found out she is having a 2nd kid. I’m ok with it, I just haven’t moved past the grieving, resentful part I do feel stuck in it. I want to not be bitter, & forgive her. & also the shame of not making good decisions while receiving the revelations, & I definitely got locked into contempt in anger, I asked her to go to therapy she said we not married & we already have to go to couples therapy, after a house fire during Covid & 3 deaths, she was out drinking doing drugs & cheating living a double life. It was so distasteful but I definitely took the opportunity to dig deeper I had that ego death, but I’m stuck at the grieving part still I think.
I recently found out that other half been cheating. We have a child together and I’m just disappointed. What I should I do????
@@AK-gk6sd i said the same thing!
Divorce, you will always resent you’re partner. You will never trust them. It is over. Take this from someone who was on the receiving end of infidelity.
Decide are you gonna stay or leave don’t make a quick decision but go to the therapist
Leave. Not worth all the work for a liar you can never trust again.
At best, they still want to cheat but decide not to act on it. AT BEST. Aren’t they to be worshipped?
Thank you!!
thank you!!!
Very fact,,,,that's my experience,,,so very painful,i don't know how it end this suffering ,I'm walking dead or living dead now
Process your emotions and try to get a therapist
Yes Jaye, Antione made a good suggestion. Let me know if you need some assistance. todd@toddcreager.com
This is beautiful.
This is so sad.
*☝️He was able to give me access to my partner device🙏*
So these type of people do not understand and only do this when they think they can get away with it. You deal out vengeance to these type of people they will get in a fetal position and act like victim. Personally it doesn't matter whether they're on the planet or not.
I get so disgusted that no one wants to take responsibility for the victim's part, influence and hurtful-causing behaviors that attributed to the emotional abandonment, punishment of sabotaging and other cruel ways that didn't CAUSE the choice but pushed the partner towards the moves they made. Sometimes, years of cold, rude treatment, hardness of heart and so forth.
C. Reese- I am the first to agree with you. We never want to blame the victim but especially with couples, I make sure each person "looks in their own backyard," to see how they contributed to the problems and how they now possibly could contribute to the healing.
@@ToddCreager tysm. I figured you were, and GOD Bless you!!!
You made a vital point both are wrong but one can be pushed and provoked
Dude, your particular case is really extreme. In first place, if you receive that kind of treatment for years... why do you stay there?
I don´t stay where love and respect are imposible to get. You deserve to find a better place, Just choosing yourself over abusive partners.
Because so few are good at it.
Our pastor asked me what I did to FORCE my (now ex) wife have an affair.
The question was as if she had no agency.
The affair has to end before you can address both the betrayed and the unfaithful party's contributions to the state of the relationship pre-affair.
I don't doubt my wife felt alone and abandoned. She had spent years rejecting my bids for connection. Putting the kids before me, avoiding conversations to address unmet needs with both had.
Eventually, I just dove into hobbies and work.
I'm sure the unfaithful party does feel what they feel. The question is, why did they choose to go nuclear in a conventional war? Why did they reject the bids theri spouse made YEARS before he withdrew?
And of course, are they willing to end the affair and commit to repairing the relationship?
Or, do they just feel entitled to an affair because they were unhappy, but never bothered to actually use the words, "I'm unhappy" until they are caught up in the affair.
I don't deny they feel what they feel. I have a bit of a problem with blaming the betrayed for their choice.
Each has a role to play in the state of the relationship. Not just the betrayed.
If the unfaithful party was unhappy, chances are, so was the betrayed party. To suggest that only if he would have treated her differently and her affair wouldn't have happened is tone-deaf at best and comes across as blaming the victim.
What if you're the cheater?
Words can't express my remorse and sorrow. I'm fuckin broken
@@AK-gk6sd I have. I made her leaving as easy and loving as possible.
Maybe in a couple years once I'm whole, I'll show up and see if she still wants me.
As for now she is gone.
But I've found peace and joy and God, my life will be better now even without.
Thank you so much for taking the time to msg me.
If there's anything I can do, even just listen to you, let me know.
TONS OF LOVE from Canada
You deserve to feel the way that you do buddy. Now go on and have a great day with your cheating self.
@@thematrix5115 life will make a hypocrite of you yet, and I hope you think of me
@@AK-gk6sd oh wow, it’s you again. I felt your words here. I think you may be an empath, like me.
Hopefully, your former partner will find happiness and love with someone else. Someone with character and integrity. You're broken? You destroyed your partner.
It's cuz some guys view girls as options, kinda like what's in a car. They wanna choose the one that will get them off better probably
Reality check, If you have a wife, and you say she has never cheated on you, You are not the expert you think you are, You have no way of knowing if they have cheated or not until you catch them or they admit to it from guilt. To think otherwise is foolish, Everyone says my wife would never do that, until they do that. It is simple, If you are married, You live with the daily possibility of Infidelity, Just know that it is common place, And you are not responsible for the immorality of your spouse.
*☝️He was able to give me access to my partner device🙏*
I heard every reason why she did it "you worked to much, you were mean to me then, you
weren't meeting my emotional needs" listen to me ladies and gentlemen very carefully, find out EVERYTHING you can, do not take their word for anything, find out every. Little. Detail. This may sound counter productive but it absolutely isn't, the more I dug through phone records the tens of thousands of messages to other men, yes it sucks learning that nothing was sacred and everything you thought you shared between each other (music, sexual things you explored together) privately was just fuel they could use for attention from other men.
It was necessary for me to learn everything because all the shit excuses and blame shifting lasted for almost an entire year, just two days ago after confronting her claims that I wasn't paying attention to her and meeting her needs, I went through our text and phone logs and confirmed that when she started cheating 9 months after we got engaged things where going pretty well, if I hadn't dug and kept all those call logs records appdata from all of the different apps she was using then I wouldn't have been able to argue my points with her sit here still thinking that I did something wrong somehow and I wasn't paying enough attention to her meeting her needs,
What I ended up finding out because I had all this information, was it she was just jealous and racked With Envy wanted to take me down a peg because I lost 100 lb and got in good shape I had abs. Instead of sharing in my joy and my accomplishments she sat in a corner and wallowed in her self misery and meanwhile she was stuffing her face with Taco Bell and blowing up like the Michelin man. Then a month before the wedding she starved herself got down to 170 from 200 something and then after that she ballooned to a cool 250. During that whole time she treated me like shit. And I had no idea why
*☝️He was able to give me access to my partner device🙏*