LOL! 'Angry emails' I had to launch one of my grown kids; the other two launched themselves. She keeps needing 'help'; I keep needing to not give her 'help'. She's perfectly competent. Al-Anon has helped.
Thank you, Dr. Cloud! Can I ask about the adult child & parents scenario from the other way around? After a difficult interaction with my mom, I spoke with a counselor and began to realize that my mom has been codependent and enmeshed in my marriage of 10 years. How do I discuss my need to be independent with my husband and 3 small kids without making her launch into a victimized rage? Thank you.
You just have to start drawing boundaries. You you are planning a day out with your family and your mom wants you to have dinner with her. Just say no. If mom tries to intermeddle in your marriage, draw boundaries on what you share with her. If mom goes into a rage, just tell her you have to go and when she wants to talk like an adult you can talk but until then you have to look after your own family. If she demands too much time of your draw boundaries around your time. You can do it! It may take practice but you will get there!
You don't lol. No seriously I think whenever someone in this case you, start operating very differently than you have especially if it's going to be noticed and possibly hurt someone you care about it's wise to plan a lunch or coffee date to discuss.. Be firm but kind ( there lots of good books and podcasts these days to give you some verbiage you can adapt to your own style. What she does with that information in the moment or over time is not something you can control. So don't over think it as long as it is kind n firm. It's foolish to bring it up out of nowhere in the middle of it happening as most people will react hurt n defend. I don't recommend text or email either if this is first time you're bringing up.. if she is a manipulative person and it flies into rages over conversations that is something that is a she problem n you camnot fix. We can have compassion and not get overly defensive when they try to turn the tables but that should only go so far. Your feelings matter n as long as you are being kind n saying as nicely as possible that's all you can do.
Dr Townsend, heard an overview of your classic book "Boundaries", by yourself and John Townsend over 20 years ago. (by Tom Dooley on "The Journey", radio broadcast) Those principles, applied, began to positively affect my job relationship, my spousal relationship, the upbringing of our child and my parent relationship. I just gave a copy of "Face to Face", to my co-worker. I'm not sure there has been a greater helpful lesson than Boundaries. It applies to every sphere of relationship. Therefore. . .gratitude!!! 🙌👏👏🙌🙏 Nice to see your channel.👍
EXCELLENT video!! Unfortunately, some of us DO that and the adult children - mine at 39 & 32 - are still far more immature than they need to be. Everything i try/have tried gets undermined by "good intentions" from others. And none of the others consider what i say as common sense.. its always "weeeelll....". How do those of us, who have to deal with this situation, deal with with "the others" as well as the adult children who blow us off?
Great n informative video but id really like to see a part 2 ( though perhaps he has another video more specific to what many of us ( both parents and so called grown children) still have confusion about. Understanding of course there is not a one size fits all scenario. But in keeping with this video, I have seen stats in parental financial"help" with adult children from 18-34. But this is a ridiculous range. One feels much more comfortable n far less concerned helping, either each month by paying a bill or two, or letting grown child live their basically rent free for couple yrs or paying the bill for an emergency situation like dental or during a job loss etc. for a 20-24 yr old than a 30 plus year old. To me its a given that a child/teen or adult child should contribute around the house at a minimum but is it sp terrible to occasionally give or even loan a grown child,if you can reasonably afford to a couple hundred dollars every few years towards something more emergency related especially if they are single and like many people dont have . much or any real emergency fund at times. Obviously i think the character of your grown child should be considered. Is this someone who easily asks to borrow money or live back in your house for a year? If this child pair for their own college n their own cars,car insurance, rent,phone bills etc is that really so bad. More importantly is theit an actual cut off time/age where no matter how hard theyve worked but still single n still not really getting ahead or if they do the cost of thibgs still goes up so still breaking even, do you just say "No sorry you're on your own? " Do we give it to them reluctantly.. even offer reluctantly but deep down judge them n make controlling n judgemental comments bc we really dont want to but don't want to say "no". Do we then get to ve all up in all of their business. That is to say what if any strings should be attached. Is it right to help pay for one childs wedding n even house but do nothing for the other bc as a single person they not only didn't get married but not in any position to get a house? I guess what I'm looking to know is after 22 n they have moved out do we as parents never do anything financially for them again. Let them sink or swim on own, even if they have launched in many ways fr many years. By adapting healthy lifestyle, healthy friend group, take care of own car n insurance n keep clean apt n well groomed n personable etc.
Yup again thank u as I have a son 30 and have screwd up as he is have many issues oh please help me to be a better parent 🙏 it's hard when u see they struggle but it is by their choices and now want to move back home no job brings girlfriend and dog I did say he himself only don't know the girl only saw once he needs prayer 😢 thx for readings
I’m looking at this from a Christian lens. I would say okay to my son coming back home but no to a live in girlfriend. If he didn’t like that then I would tell him he would have to find another place to live because I can’t stand before God knowing my son was living in sin in my home and i was enabling it. Second, I would let him know I’m getting older so I can’t be paying his bills anymore. He has to pull his own weight by getting a job and paying his own bills. Then I would establish how we will live cooperatively. In other words what I expected from him. It really depends on you. You might expect him to make his own meals or you might find it easier and more enjoyable to cook for the whole family. How will his laundry be handled? What about other chores around the house like mowing the lawn? Taking out the garbage? Picking up the house, etc. What about paying utility bills? Do you expect him to contribute if so how much? You could get last month’s bills before he moves in and compare it to after he moves in and he pays the difference. Or you might split the bill. But whatever the arrangement communicate it to him.
Dr H, you need to fly to New Zealand 🇳🇿 and source. me and my friends - single working parents still indulging “ adult” children ..just to confirm are we sure 33yo is an adult ? .😬😬😬
See I’m very confused on this subject still, from when I first saw my first counsellor 20 years ago, whom she introduced me to the book on Boundaries. Yes I’m dating myself, lol😂, & my book is very old and used to shredded to pieces almost. 😢. I’m have not had my parents in this situation with how they raised me. My Father trusted me with finances at the age of 36yrs of age, with the control of too many strings attached. My mother is the the emotional controller. No with my own parents and many others I’ve met, known, and friends. Are dependent upon their parents, but is it the 30 plus adults fault when their parents not only control, but continue to feed their children’s dependence on them. I’m sick of my two best friends bragging, from on top of their pedal stalls that they’ve done it all on their own. When I’m face they haven’t. They’ve been solely dependent on their parents feeding the codependency. As I could give example after after example. Please patterns cut your children off and let go!!! Or your children’s friends are going to have to pick up after the mess once you’ve passed away.
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This is great. My oldest son is going to be 22. I have raised him on my own since birth. I could use more videos like this 😊
As a single mom, I agree. I’m still raising a 17 year old without a father and videos like this are extremely helpful!
LOL! 'Angry emails' I had to launch one of my grown kids; the other two launched themselves. She keeps needing 'help'; I keep needing to not give her 'help'. She's perfectly competent. Al-Anon has helped.
I LOVE IT. U ARE SPOT ON
Thank you. This is so helpful!
Thank you, Dr. Cloud! Can I ask about the adult child & parents scenario from the other way around? After a difficult interaction with my mom, I spoke with a counselor and began to realize that my mom has been codependent and enmeshed in my marriage of 10 years. How do I discuss my need to be independent with my husband and 3 small kids without making her launch into a victimized rage? Thank you.
look up Dr. ken Adams. he specializes in enmeshment. good luck
You just have to start drawing boundaries. You you are planning a day out with your family and your mom wants you to have dinner with her. Just say no.
If mom tries to intermeddle in your marriage, draw boundaries on what you share with her.
If mom goes into a rage, just tell her you have to go and when she wants to talk like an adult you can talk but until then you have to look after your own family.
If she demands too much time of your draw boundaries around your time.
You can do it! It may take practice but you will get there!
You don't lol. No seriously I think whenever someone in this case you, start operating very differently than you have especially if it's going to be noticed and possibly hurt someone you care about it's wise to plan a lunch or coffee date to discuss.. Be firm but kind ( there lots of good books and podcasts these days to give you some verbiage you can adapt to your own style. What she does with that information in the moment or over time is not something you can control. So don't over think it as long as it is kind n firm. It's foolish to bring it up out of nowhere in the middle of it happening as most people will react hurt n defend. I don't recommend text or email either if this is first time you're bringing up.. if she is a manipulative person and it flies into rages over conversations that is something that is a she problem n you camnot fix. We can have compassion and not get overly defensive when they try to turn the tables but that should only go so far. Your feelings matter n as long as you are being kind n saying as nicely as possible that's all you can do.
Brilliant¬ I only wish I had been that smart with mine...
Dr Townsend, heard an overview of your classic book "Boundaries", by yourself and John Townsend over 20 years ago. (by Tom Dooley on "The Journey", radio broadcast) Those principles, applied, began to positively affect my job relationship, my spousal relationship, the upbringing of our child and my parent relationship. I just gave a copy of "Face to Face", to my co-worker. I'm not sure there has been a greater helpful lesson than Boundaries. It applies to every sphere of relationship. Therefore. . .gratitude!!! 🙌👏👏🙌🙏 Nice to see your channel.👍
EXCELLENT video!!
Unfortunately, some of us DO that and the adult children - mine at 39 & 32 - are still far more immature than they need to be. Everything i try/have tried gets undermined by "good intentions" from others. And none of the others consider what i say as common sense.. its always "weeeelll....". How do those of us, who have to deal with this situation, deal with with "the
others" as well as the adult children who blow us off?
share an example of this alleged immaturity. otherwise we have no way of judging for ourselves.
Great n informative video but id really like to see a part 2 ( though perhaps he has another video more specific to what many of us ( both parents and so called grown children) still have confusion about. Understanding of course there is not a one size fits all scenario. But in keeping with this video, I have seen stats in parental financial"help" with adult children from 18-34. But this is a ridiculous range. One feels much more comfortable n far less concerned helping, either each month by paying a bill or two, or letting grown child live their basically rent free for couple yrs or paying the bill for an emergency situation like dental or during a job loss etc. for a 20-24 yr old than a 30 plus year old. To me its a given that a child/teen or adult child should contribute around the house at a minimum but is it sp terrible to occasionally give or even loan a grown child,if you can reasonably afford to a couple hundred dollars every few years towards something more emergency related especially if they are single and like many people dont have . much or any real emergency fund at times. Obviously i think the character of your grown child should be considered. Is this someone who easily asks to borrow money or live back in your house for a year? If this child pair for their own college n their own cars,car insurance, rent,phone bills etc is that really so bad. More importantly is theit an actual cut off time/age where no matter how hard theyve worked but still single n still not really getting ahead or if they do the cost of thibgs still goes up so still breaking even, do you just say "No sorry you're on your own? " Do we give it to them reluctantly.. even offer reluctantly but deep down judge them n make controlling n judgemental comments bc we really dont want to but don't want to say "no". Do we then get to ve all up in all of their business. That is to say what if any strings should be attached. Is it right to help pay for one childs wedding n even house but do nothing for the other bc as a single person they not only didn't get married but not in any position to get a house? I guess what I'm looking to know is after 22 n they have moved out do we as parents never do anything financially for them again. Let them sink or swim on own, even if they have launched in many ways fr many years. By adapting healthy lifestyle, healthy friend group, take care of own car n insurance n keep clean apt n well groomed n personable etc.
Excellent!
I love mr cloud but thank God for 2x speed
Great tip, thank you 🙂
I have an “adult” offspring who absolutely did nothing to try to be an “adult” he is now estranged from me. It’s a nightmare
Yup again thank u as I have a son 30 and have screwd up as he is have many issues oh please help me to be a better parent 🙏 it's hard when u see they struggle but it is by their choices and now want to move back home no job brings girlfriend and dog I did say he himself only don't know the girl only saw once he needs prayer 😢 thx for readings
I’m looking at this from a Christian lens. I would say okay to my son coming back home but no to a live in girlfriend. If he didn’t like that then I would tell him he would have to find another place to live because I can’t stand before God knowing my son was living in sin in my home and i was enabling it.
Second, I would let him know I’m getting older so I can’t be paying his bills anymore. He has to pull his own weight by getting a job and paying his own bills.
Then I would establish how we will live cooperatively. In other words what I expected from him. It really depends on you. You might expect him to make his own meals or you might find it easier and more enjoyable to cook for the whole family.
How will his laundry be handled?
What about other chores around the house like mowing the lawn? Taking out the garbage? Picking up the house, etc.
What about paying utility bills? Do you expect him to contribute if so how much? You could get last month’s bills before he moves in and compare it to after he moves in and he pays the difference. Or you might split the bill.
But whatever the arrangement communicate it to him.
Dr H, you need to fly to New Zealand 🇳🇿 and source. me and my friends - single working parents still indulging “ adult” children ..just to confirm are we sure 33yo is an adult ? .😬😬😬
Im still helping my son, who is 40. He has to pay child support. It takes a huge chunk out of his check.
René Descartes?
See I’m very confused on this subject still, from when I first saw my first counsellor 20 years ago, whom she introduced me to the book on Boundaries. Yes I’m dating myself, lol😂, & my book is very old and used to shredded to pieces almost. 😢. I’m have not had my parents in this situation with how they raised me. My Father trusted me with finances at the age of 36yrs of age, with the control of too many strings attached. My mother is the the emotional controller. No with my own parents and many others I’ve met, known, and friends. Are dependent upon their parents, but is it the 30 plus adults fault when their parents not only control, but continue to feed their children’s dependence on them. I’m sick of my two best friends bragging, from on top of their pedal stalls that they’ve done it all on their own. When I’m face they haven’t. They’ve been solely dependent on their parents feeding the codependency. As I could give example after after example. Please patterns cut your children off and let go!!! Or your children’s friends are going to have to pick up after the mess once you’ve passed away.
When i was a child, i thought like a child (selfishness)
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