This is so true. I am 70% secure and 30% FA. I'm not even anxious. I like my own space and have family, friends, and activities. Still, it was too exhausting and hard. My next relationship will be with a more secure person. No more avoidants for me.
This is literally what just happened to me. 5 year relationship, he was super avoidant for a lot of it but we finally worked towards moving in together. From there on it was just him sabotaging us to failure, I didn’t help in the end but there’s only so much one person can take. He killed us and this time I’m not sure if he’s coming back or if I even want him to (outside of maybe a sincere apology).
My DA stopped contacting me cold turkey after I admitted deeper feelings and needs on my side. I said he was free to do/not do whatever he wanted. I stated my needs and he said "thank you for bringing clarity to this conversation" and haven't heard from him since (3 weeks) . I am not going to contact him, I didn't do anything wrong. I know it likely triggered him. But it does feel unfair to wait. At this point I'm treating it like an ending (no answer is an answer and a choice) but it didn't end "badly". Could the feelings be lost? Possibly. Only time - and his own self-awareness - will tell. It has been a huge learning curve but I do have empathy for his shortcomings. Just not enough to deny my own needs.
@@JeffThorslund just curious about that time table...(60 days)? Why is that length viable? It's been 3 months now, and at this point, I wish him well, but if he were to pop up now, I'd be more put off than if we never spoke again. So, since I wouldn't like it, I'm not doing that to another. However if he admitted his faulty role in things upon reach out, I might give the time of day... But since avoidants don't lead with vulnerability ever, I consider this a lost cause. And I'm okay with it. I'm certainly not destitute or in any shambles. Just living away!
He left when I needed him the most. He didn‘t call, didn‘t message me. He even didn‘t answer my calls or messages. After 6 weeks he came and he was mad because I didn‘t call him enough?! And I didn’t want to speek with him at the moment he wanted to speek with me. We are married for 6 years! I‘m done. If he wants this to work, he should fight for it. Loving an DA is the hardest thing to do.
whats killing me now is not knowing if she even had deep feelings for me. i think she did, ive never felt closeness and affection like i did with her, it was the closest connection i've ever been in. this sux
you describe the law of attraction quite well for someone who doesn't believe in it haha. it's not mystical. change your perception. switch your perspective. shift your reality.
Alexis I would love to see a video about how the relationship goes when the DA has done some work and is healing / learning new ways of relating. Do they still struggle with avoidant tendencies, does communication get easier? Do they still feel overwhelmed by closeness? Do they still deactivate? I think you are probably the best person to answer these questions; although I get that you may prefer to keep this part of your life private.
I believe that just being able to recognize the problem is half the battle won. Took me years to realize I was the one being emotionally unavailable hanging onto the hope of attaining an emotionally unavailable guy, and not giving anyone else a chance. My friends simply couldn't understand it and eventually I had to admit that I had been using him as an excuse to avoid relationships. It's still is scary to open up especially knowing by doing so can result in being shamed or dumped. Still trying to figure out what my needs in a relationship are, never knew I had them 😅...am still trying to get it right, it's a process... don't know how other people manage from the get go. Not aware of deactivating.. hopefully if I can really trust the person I won't need to shut down or anything.. when people come with judgement and confrontation I'd like to jump out the window and run away, they have no idea how badly that affects a DA, it's aweful. I hope my response helps, Let's see what Alexis says..
This is a great question. I'm very interested in this too! My ex avoidant started to do therapy 3 months ago but still he broke up with me due to his fear of intimacy. It would be great if there was a video about this
@@ashton1952 why does confrontation or judgement affect you so much? That's sheer fear. On the contrary you are lovers of freedom! How can you live with fear yet claim that you love freedom?
There is something I don't really understand, I'm like 100% sure my ex is an avoidant. Heavily traumatised as well. After the guy that gave her the trauma reached out to her she started to self-sabotage our entire relationship and in the end left me for a guy who is exactly like the inital guy. Same nationality and probably as messed up as he is. She also said that none if it was my fault. I somehow still love her and I'm hoping that she comes back. It's been almost 3 months of no contact.
In Same boat. Mine said nothing was my fault (yet blamed me for most things) constantly bitching about his ex yet glorifying her/wanted to marry her even though the first several months of our honeymoon phase was about how I was different and better than her and he liked that... Talk about the DA being confused and not getting it
How does someone create new internal working models? Is talking therapy enough? I am seeing a therapist but I wonder how much it is going to help me become more secure, and how just talking about things is going to change me if that makes sense!
I have been married for 26 years and have known my wife for 29 years. The last 8 months have been pretty tough She does not like to talk about her feelings. She told me she wanted to divorce but she still lives at home and we are getting along as friends not sure what to do? We have 3 kids
@@hemenwayhaulingllc1783 so I understand that the communication issue is playing a role here. Avoidants find it hard to share their feelings. But it's difficult to still understand that even after so many years of marriage an avoidant may have difficulty in opening up about their feelings to their spouses!
2 days before the break up my avoidant ex gf said she don't knows the way towards the college so she requested me if we can go together but only if I don't go with my friends to college she didn't wanted to come with me if I had friends with me on the way to college because she gets awkward and also privacy reasons but i was too late to reply as I was busy then when I approached from here and told her ohk we will go together instead she said "leave it now I have told my friends now you are too late to reply ". After that i told her in an assertive way meet me tomorrow in college and she agreed but asked whether you want to meet in front of friends, without them or just staring? I replied in whatever way you are comfortable she said ohk then the next day when I met her she had friends there with her and she texted me I feel awkward meeting in front of friends but i was already there in front of her her friends were sitting on the bench and we then talked but she was so nervous and saying we have some classes together see you later my friends are calling! It little bit triggered her then the next day my friend and his other friend whom I didn't know went there in the crowd in front of my ex screaming my name in front of her Amaan Amaan and asked her Amaan wants to talk to you she nodded her head saying no and ran away I didn't told my friend my friend to go there he just went without my permission it was too awkward for her in the crowd. Then we had argument even though I agreed to my mistake we broke up it got ruined then after about three weeks I contacted her again this time she said doesn't want to get close again like that and she can't trust people back easily. She said it's hard for her to detach herself from me but it's something for her to do! We talked regularly second time but hot and cold but regularly having streaks and heart on Snapchat meaning regularly she saved my snaps but I brought the conflict again I told her to start being like that close again instead of trust issues trust me back again fully. She said I don't want to get too close and said our aims don't align this time so I should let you go this time and told me no one u derstands and listens to me and Iike you do but I have to let you go this time and out of self respect I told her then I leave you for God's sake if has written us for each other again she said I don't love you but used to ask for romantic letters for me, meetups, birthday gifts we talked daily for 2 years. Will she comeback? This time she removed me from Instagram, Snapchat but didn't blocked me and on telegram the profile is still there of my gift that I had gifted to her(Her name frame).
Bro, first of all, I am really sorry. Very confusing text, and it shows me that you are reeeeally anxious. And she is really avoidant. Best thing to do is for you to detach. Build your confidence again. Give her all the space she needs. Do not message her in ANY WAY. NEVER! I MEAN IT! Leave her alone for now. You have to find ways to rebuild your confidence so you can have so much you gonna start captivating people and give them some of it. Only then you will have a chance of trying to get her off this shell. For now there’s nothing you can do. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Let her come your way. Only by you asking “Is she gonna come back” i can tell that you are extremely anxious. There’s no way no one can answer you that. But I can say for sure that’s she’s not gonna come back if you are that anxious. Leave it! Live a happy life and you will attract everyone.
@@maranhazz Bro for 2 years she never behaved like that because I was secure and stable with my emotions as I had other stuffs going on in my life but after the incident I became anxious because she has never behaved cold and distant with me in 2 years. She came back 2nd time saying we can be friends but i refused she said I'm not ready yet to get that much close again
@@AmaanMajeed-rt5if Bro, It does not matter the past 2 years, It matters how she's acting now. Leave it. Take care of you and probably she'll try to get close again. But for now, If I were you, I would leave it.
yes, because the FA just has an anxious side. but when they discard you its always because the avoidant side wins. And the avoidant side keeps winning usually.
I don't believe they come back. I had to reach out to my avoidant ex and he told me although he missed me and regretted his decision, he wouldn't reach out to me.
En la primera ruptura, dos meses aprox. En las siguientes tardan más en volver. Bajo mi experiencia (mi ex volvió tres veces)a los 3 ó 4 meses de contacto cero empiezan a notar la ausencia y a entrar en la tristeza.
Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. They're obviously different individuals. It also depends on the depth of your relationship. The problem is, the reason why they come back. They're often guilty, or they feel so at least. But it's difficult they come back changed.
I'm not fearing abandonment or being alone as I was alone for many years by choice. But how can I help him feel comfortable & safe to hang out again. We've been taking again for 2 months but he's taking me it's not a good idea anytime soon. How do I help him feel safe that it is ok?
It's so sad when you love them have been there for them and they kill the relationship o don't ever want to meet another Dismissive avodent.
Their brain is completelly different than yours. They are in exssence narcissist ( with minor differences). Move along....
This is so true. I am 70% secure and 30% FA. I'm not even anxious. I like my own space and have family, friends, and activities. Still, it was too exhausting and hard. My next relationship will be with a more secure person. No more avoidants for me.
This is literally what just happened to me. 5 year relationship, he was super avoidant for a lot of it but we finally worked towards moving in together. From there on it was just him sabotaging us to failure, I didn’t help in the end but there’s only so much one person can take. He killed us and this time I’m not sure if he’s coming back or if I even want him to (outside of maybe a sincere apology).
My DA stopped contacting me cold turkey after I admitted deeper feelings and needs on my side. I said he was free to do/not do whatever he wanted. I stated my needs and he said "thank you for bringing clarity to this conversation" and haven't heard from him since (3 weeks) . I am not going to contact him, I didn't do anything wrong. I know it likely triggered him. But it does feel unfair to wait.
At this point I'm treating it like an ending (no answer is an answer and a choice) but it didn't end "badly".
Could the feelings be lost? Possibly. Only time - and his own self-awareness - will tell.
It has been a huge learning curve but I do have empathy for his shortcomings. Just not enough to deny my own needs.
Why wouldn’t you reach out at all? Sounds like it’s a game of who contacts first
Maybe reach out around 45 to 60 days with something light like a meme and go slow from there
@@JeffThorslund just curious about that time table...(60 days)? Why is that length viable?
It's been 3 months now, and at this point, I wish him well, but if he were to pop up now, I'd be more put off than if we never spoke again. So, since I wouldn't like it, I'm not doing that to another.
However if he admitted his faulty role in things upon reach out, I might give the time of day... But since avoidants don't lead with vulnerability ever, I consider this a lost cause. And I'm okay with it. I'm certainly not destitute or in any shambles. Just living away!
@kingskand did they reach out?
@@tioswift3676why bother? Waste of time.
He left when I needed him the most. He didn‘t call, didn‘t message me. He even didn‘t answer my calls or messages. After 6 weeks he came and he was mad because I didn‘t call him enough?! And I didn’t want to speek with him at the moment he wanted to speek with me. We are married for 6 years!
I‘m done. If he wants this to work, he should fight for it.
Loving an DA is the hardest thing to do.
whats killing me now is not knowing if she even had deep feelings for me. i think she did, ive never felt closeness and affection like i did with her, it was the closest connection i've ever been in. this sux
Excuses me if I missed it, but I don't think you actually covered the title subject of this video: What makes an avoidant regret breaking up with you.
Even if they dont mean to, they are manipulative. Behind every Dismissive is a trail of broken hearts and dreams.
you describe the law of attraction quite well for someone who doesn't believe in it haha. it's not mystical. change your perception. switch your perspective. shift your reality.
It's either I'm dumb or that's the most inconvenient way to write the title for this topic.
Confidence of a therapist @10:45 is amazing. That's your responsibility..
I can’t fix him or heal him.. Todd has to heal Todd..
I am watching these videos to understand more.. I am not his therapist..
Alexis I would love to see a video about how the relationship goes when the DA has done some work and is healing / learning new ways of relating. Do they still struggle with avoidant tendencies, does communication get easier? Do they still feel overwhelmed by closeness? Do they still deactivate? I think you are probably the best person to answer these questions; although I get that you may prefer to keep this part of your life private.
I believe that just being able to recognize the problem is half the battle won. Took me years to realize I was the one being emotionally unavailable hanging onto the hope of attaining an emotionally unavailable guy, and not giving anyone else a chance. My friends simply couldn't understand it and eventually I had to admit that I had been using him as an excuse to avoid relationships. It's still is scary to open up especially knowing by doing so can result in being shamed or dumped. Still trying to figure out what my needs in a relationship are, never knew I had them 😅...am still trying to get it right, it's a process... don't know how other people manage from the get go. Not aware of deactivating.. hopefully if I can really trust the person I won't need to shut down or anything.. when people come with judgement and confrontation I'd like to jump out the window and run away, they have no idea how badly that affects a DA, it's aweful. I hope my response helps, Let's see what Alexis says..
Great question. I would also like to know if they can heal completely or at least 80/90%
This is a great question. I'm very interested in this too! My ex avoidant started to do therapy 3 months ago but still he broke up with me due to his fear of intimacy. It would be great if there was a video about this
@@ashton1952 why does confrontation or judgement affect you so much? That's sheer fear. On the contrary you are lovers of freedom! How can you live with fear yet claim that you love freedom?
Some will engage in casual sex as well to “dull” it
Hi Alexis please can you do more content on avoidant rebound relationships please
If you are in love with an avoidant maybe you are also avoid something.
Wow thank you for sharing that. It’s almost a pattern resembling PTSD that is a lifelong condition
So good! 🙏I love your explanations to everything 😊
There is something I don't really understand, I'm like 100% sure my ex is an avoidant. Heavily traumatised as well. After the guy that gave her the trauma reached out to her she started to self-sabotage our entire relationship and in the end left me for a guy who is exactly like the inital guy. Same nationality and probably as messed up as he is. She also said that none if it was my fault.
I somehow still love her and I'm hoping that she comes back. It's been almost 3 months of no contact.
In Same boat. Mine said nothing was my fault (yet blamed me for most things) constantly bitching about his ex yet glorifying her/wanted to marry her even though the first several months of our honeymoon phase was about how I was different and better than her and he liked that... Talk about the DA being confused and not getting it
Im in 4mnths no contact rn...
They are comfortable in toxic relationships. All very strange😂
How does someone create new internal working models? Is talking therapy enough? I am seeing a therapist but I wonder how much it is going to help me become more secure, and how just talking about things is going to change me if that makes sense!
What is a typical way for an avoidant to reach out? Wishing happy birthday?
I have been married for 26 years and have known my wife for 29 years. The last 8 months have been pretty tough She does not like to talk about her feelings. She told me she wanted to divorce but she still lives at home and we are getting along as friends not sure what to do? We have 3 kids
Omg! why do they need to divorce after such a long marriage also? Is it related to attachment style at all?
@@sonaliduttamusicandartits a long time for sure .she is Definitely an avoidant but I cant blame her for all of our issues.
@@hemenwayhaulingllc1783 so I understand that the communication issue is playing a role here. Avoidants find it hard to share their feelings. But it's difficult to still understand that even after so many years of marriage an avoidant may have difficulty in opening up about their feelings to their spouses!
😂😂stop watching my videos. Thank you for your videos, I learn a lot. 🙂
2 days before the break up my avoidant ex gf said she don't knows the way towards the college so she requested me if we can go together but only if I don't go with my friends to college she didn't wanted to come with me if I had friends with me on the way to college because she gets awkward and also privacy reasons but i was too late to reply as I was busy then when I approached from here and told her ohk we will go together instead she said "leave it now I have told my friends now you are too late to reply ". After that i told her in an assertive way meet me tomorrow in college and she agreed but asked whether you want to meet in front of friends, without them or just staring? I replied in whatever way you are comfortable she said ohk then the next day when I met her she had friends there with her and she texted me I feel awkward meeting in front of friends but i was already there in front of her her friends were sitting on the bench and we then talked but she was so nervous and saying we have some classes together see you later my friends are calling! It little bit triggered her then the next day my friend and his other friend whom I didn't know went there in the crowd in front of my ex screaming my name in front of her Amaan Amaan and asked her Amaan wants to talk to you she nodded her head saying no and ran away I didn't told my friend my friend to go there he just went without my permission it was too awkward for her in the crowd. Then we had argument even though I agreed to my mistake we broke up it got ruined then after about three weeks I contacted her again this time she said doesn't want to get close again like that and she can't trust people back easily. She said it's hard for her to detach herself from me but it's something for her to do! We talked regularly second time but hot and cold but regularly having streaks and heart on Snapchat meaning regularly she saved my snaps but I brought the conflict again I told her to start being like that close again instead of trust issues trust me back again fully. She said I don't want to get too close and said our aims don't align this time so I should let you go this time and told me no one u derstands and listens to me and Iike you do but I have to let you go this time and out of self respect I told her then I leave you for God's sake if has written us for each other again she said I don't love you but used to ask for romantic letters for me, meetups, birthday gifts we talked daily for 2 years. Will she comeback? This time she removed me from Instagram, Snapchat but didn't blocked me and on telegram the profile is still there of my gift that I had gifted to her(Her name frame).
Bro, first of all, I am really sorry. Very confusing text, and it shows me that you are reeeeally anxious. And she is really avoidant. Best thing to do is for you to detach. Build your confidence again. Give her all the space she needs. Do not message her in ANY WAY. NEVER! I MEAN IT! Leave her alone for now. You have to find ways to rebuild your confidence so you can have so much you gonna start captivating people and give them some of it. Only then you will have a chance of trying to get her off this shell. For now there’s nothing you can do. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Let her come your way. Only by you asking “Is she gonna come back” i can tell that you are extremely anxious. There’s no way no one can answer you that. But I can say for sure that’s she’s not gonna come back if you are that anxious. Leave it! Live a happy life and you will attract everyone.
@@maranhazz Bro for 2 years she never behaved like that because I was secure and stable with my emotions as I had other stuffs going on in my life but after the incident I became anxious because she has never behaved cold and distant with me in 2 years. She came back 2nd time saying we can be friends but i refused she said I'm not ready yet to get that much close again
@@AmaanMajeed-rt5if Bro, It does not matter the past 2 years, It matters how she's acting now. Leave it. Take care of you and probably she'll try to get close again. But for now, If I were you, I would leave it.
Does this apply to fearful avoidants?
yes, because the FA just has an anxious side. but when they discard you its always because the avoidant side wins. And the avoidant side keeps winning usually.
Hello Alexis, est-ce que cette réaction s’applique également si c’est nous qui les quittons?
Take her shoe shopping
I would like to talk with you
Even months later?
I don't believe they come back. I had to reach out to my avoidant ex and he told me although he missed me and regretted his decision, he wouldn't reach out to me.
En la primera ruptura, dos meses aprox. En las siguientes tardan más en volver. Bajo mi experiencia (mi ex volvió tres veces)a los 3 ó 4 meses de contacto cero empiezan a notar la ausencia y a entrar en la tristeza.
Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. They're obviously different individuals. It also depends on the depth of your relationship. The problem is, the reason why they come back. They're often guilty, or they feel so at least. But it's difficult they come back changed.
@@annemme Exacto.
My DA ex has come back many times, and most recently after 6 months apart.
I'm not fearing abandonment or being alone as I was alone for many years by choice. But how can I help him feel comfortable & safe to hang out again. We've been taking again for 2 months but he's taking me it's not a good idea anytime soon. How do I help him feel safe that it is ok?
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