AITAH for telling my wife I won't be as stressed out next year because I won't be married to her?
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- Опубліковано 25 сер 2024
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Dusty Thunder narrates stories from Reddit, follower submissions, and other sources and provides reactions.
AITAH for telling my wife I won't be as stressed out next year because I won't be married to her?
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NTA. She sounds like she wanted him to do all the work from the beginning.
EXACTLY
I can't believe she so carelessly said he was "complaining about money". He's completely alone in trying to save their life together.
NTA. I don't blame OP because the entire situation sounds frustrating and instead of finding a partner he has found a person actively working against the better interests of the team. She was inappropriate with her comment at dinner and OP was just done.
Yup she wasn't doing her part and OP was screaming into the void. I get the impression he hoped that once it was out there that divorce was on the table she would get her act together but she had a tantrum instead. This marriage was over when she refused to sell the house
NTA. They sat down and made a decision on how to fix the situation. They either sell the house or improve incomes.He followed through, and she didn't. She made the AH comment and he reacted. You can't control how some one reacts to a shitty backhanded comment. Counseling is needed but Divorce may be the only option in the end (and the house would possibly still be sold, unless she finds a way to buy him out).
No he told us what he told her she has to do. There was no discussion. He started with ultimatums.
@@frigid4real no it was a we.. sell the house or they both get new jobs. That is on both of them not 1 person. Only one followed through.
Agreed@@xeedflarian9748
@@frigid4real No he told her the possible solutions to the house they can't afford problem, she refused to accept the ones presented or to think of a new one and he got stuck fixing it himself.
"I don't think this is unfixable."
I mean, he said he was planning on divorcing her, IN FRONT OF HER PARENTS. That would be extremely hard to come back from.
It's fixable... she gets a better job... or she agrees to a cheaper location. As it is... he's stressed and angry. She's not putting any effort into providing the financial _health_ of the relationship even after she agreed to do so.
At this point... the only way for her to get her act together is for him to walk away. They don't need to divorce, just separate for a bit. :/
"I'll stop complaining about money when OP begins his new job"... sounds like my Ex-Wife. "We have a great marriage. He makes money. I spend it." :/ Though, to be fair, My Ex-Wife refused to get a job...
@@aralornwolf3140 That's abuser logic. When you need to shame, threat, manipulation while saying "I'm doing it for you. I need to teach you a lesson.". After making a public declaration, of divorce. She smartly went " I will not only agree to sell the house but I will also give the divorce you want". When the second time is said I front of people. That is a clear sign, it will become his to go to threat. now Op trying to walk it back and blame her" I didn't really want a divorce. We're only getting because she wants one". Reality - selling the house would only get them 40% (fees, penalties, realtor payment & commission fee, and etc. ) off of debt. The bank loan. With the divorce he will cost him even more.
@@k70freeman ,
Where was any of that said in the story Dusty just presented?
@@aralornwolf3140 You threaten people more than once. either you want to so it or it's manipulation. A big sign is when person goes " how dare she not let me yell at him/her. He/She had nerve to yell back at me, after a yelled first". The fake choice.
@@k70freeman,
You're Delulu.
NTA! Don't blame him for saying that. Marriage is a partnership. If you are in that deep a financial well then both of them need to take a good look at how to get out of it. She was being the AH by not being willing to even discuss how to get out of it. Putting everything on his shoulders. Have fun darlin'. Doubt your job will let you keep that house once he is gone.
House can be sold. Did they discuss any options outside of get a new job?
Holy hell that wife, she wasn't even trying this marriage was over when she refused to bend about the house/job.
I think this is what he really wants. At this point she is dragging him down and he'd be better off without her.
Yup he might have been hoping once she heard how he felt she'd get her act together but this is the best thing OP could do for himself
1st huge congratulations on your new job OP!
Why is she staying in a job where she says she is happy but not respected enough!!
Lack of self confidence can keep one in a rubbish situation
Sounds like only one person behaved that way. Maybe she loves everything else enough to outweigh it.
We only have his version of the story. We don't know how he even approached this conversation from the beginning.
NTA it takes 2 people working together and the wife showed that she wasn't willing to do anything and then got her parents involved. I dont blame him and if the roles were reversed it would be the same. It takes both of them to find a solution and only one person put in effort. She pushed and he responded. Also the solutions he originally gave was not unreasonable.
I wonder if there was another option. He only gave her the option of getting a new job when she loved the current one. It’s rare that people love their job but I guess she should drop that one for a more stressful one and might resent him? Could they have found a way to cut costs elsewhere or is he just fixated on this solution.
@@funnyfoxbird If there was another solution she had time to present it agree to sell the house they couldn't afford. That woman has her head in the sand and is making no effort to solve the problem, OP will be better off without her.
@@silentlyjudgingyou I think op should also brainstorm since he’s being the most vocal about everything. Sometimes in partnerships one partner is better at things than the other.
@@funnyfoxbird She's not just bad at things she's actively not trying
NTA She agreed to new jobs. should not be only up to him
Not sure why it is so easy to give the woman a pass and then men are suppose to hold their tongues. That’s why there are so many men that suffer in silence until they take out the whole office building.
She insinuated in front of her parents that he is inadequate and not a good provider. In the words of Veronica on TT, we doing the whole conversation on line or none of it.
The fact that her JOB told her that she sucks and she decided to stay - it shows she puts in minimal effort at work and at home. In this economy when you are making decisions between named brand OJ and its impact on your 401K, its time to make some hard decisions and one more financial emergency was going to end in them anyway - from a leaking room to miscalculation on the amt of toilet paper needed for the month.
A marriage is supposed to be 100% from each partner not 50% from each.
I've always said that, too. I've never understood people saying it's 50/50
I’d prefer to hear her side too, but he shouldn’t have said that in front of the parents. That was a shit move.
He responded to HER shit comment
She was probably hoping to drag her parents into the mess so they'd back her up, but it was definitely an unhealthy thing to do. Bad move.
Of course you’re ignoring what she said lmao
I laughed out loud at his outburst 😂
Being in an awkward situation with your spouse, you should not have visitors. He said something that he probably meant deep down in front of her parents.
So, I think neither of them are actually talking about the real issue- i don’t think Jen is even planning on working after kids and I wonder how much she was planning for maternity leave.
How did you get to that conclusion?
@@funnyfoxbird IF she were looking at working after children, she would find a job that appreciated her enough BEFORE to allow her maternity leave. If they threaten her over a simple raise request, how would they keep her job after FMLA? Their behavior would cause 5 alarms worth of red flags.
@@Mathilde1469 wait what?! 😂 that’s a big reach. just bc they don’t want to give her a raise doesn’t mean they will violate the law and not give her maternity leave/FMLA. Also, I feel like there’s only one person that was doing this to her. If she’s generally happy there she probably enjoys everyone else. In fact, She probably would do better to stay at that job to have tenure and PTO built up for maternity leave.
ESH and it's just how life goes sometimes. It sounds like they are both done and ready to move on. They'll sell the house to pay for the divorce, he'll probably have to pay alimony, but his financial life will probably be a lot better once that house is out of the picture. Thankfully there aren't kids to complicate it and make it even more expensive - not just from child support, but all of the custody hearings, etc. That's extra attorney bucks right there, not to mention time and stress.
Well now everyone gets to be even more broke through divorce. OP shouldn’t have threatened divorce if he didn’t want it and the wife shouldn’t have tried to back him into a corner at dinner.
Sounds like he was out of options and she wasn't getting her act together, dragging it out won't help and that woman will burn OPs financial future to the ground if he stays
@@silentlyjudgingyou yeah but I’m baffled at him acting like he’s surprised that saying he was going to divorce her ended in divorce. Don’t tell people that you’re going to divorce in public and then be upset that your wife won’t talk to you. They should have split up privately in a not public blow up.
@@mangamegbe I think he sounds a bit in shock personally and I'm getting a lied to himself it was fine because until he snapped vibe.
@@silentlyjudgingyou he might have convinced himself that they could get through it. Maybe he shocked himself by threatening divorce.
@@mangamegbe probably and then panicked right after because change is scary
Without knowing both sides, I say ESH and solid point: divorce does not help finances
Divorce is also expensive.
Yeah, I'm sorry, but OP needs to divorce his delulu wife. He's made it very clear to her that if she wanted to keep the house, she needed a better job. She chose not to listen. He's probably an Ascon 2 or 3 for telling her he wanted a divorce in front of her parents, but she's Ascon 1.
Lol.
"He's made it very clear to her that if she wanted to keep the house, she needed a better wife."
I think your auto-incorrect messed up the sentence. :p
@@aralornwolf3140 No, my ADHD messed up that sentence. LOL!
I think this marriage was over before, he even said that. He just sped up the inevitable.
NTA. Was it kind of a dick move to do it in front of her parents? Yes. That said, it was a heat of the moment situation, so I can’t fault him for that. His (soon to be ex) wife wants to have her cake and eat it too, and in this economy, you just can’t afford that.
This whole story honestly reminds me of Glee-the teacher, Mr. Schuester, was married to this lazy chick who worked part time, but they wanted kids, so she convinced him to leave teaching (a job he genuinely loved) to become an accountant so they could support their family, but she also refused to compromise on a lot of financial things, and it got to the point where she forced him to get a second job to afford this over-the-top house she wanted. Yes, they did get divorced.
7 years ago when they got married, rent wasn’t as much or more than a house payment. She’ll end up at her parents and he’ll end up paying just as much for rent for a far smaller place as he did for the house and then it’ll be years and years before he can afford another one. That’s just the way life goes in 2024.
Sounds like he was halfway through the door before the financial situation hit
If this is normal behavior for her who wouldn't be.
Sounds like she is an optimist, where she thinks things will sort themselves out in time, and he is a worrier, where he is constantly looking at their fiances and is budgeting everything, and he was probably like this even before things went sour.
Personally, if I was told to give up my job that I love I would probably not be very enthusiastic either. We do not know what kind of job she has, and it is possible that it is very fulfilling in many ways, and those she interacts with are like family to her. It is not easy to walk away from a job like that. She probably has heard him constantly complaining too, and probably thinks he is blaming her for all of this. I agree with what another commenter said, I would love to hear her side. Mattering on how he is going about it, and what he is saying to his wife, it could be considered spousal abuse.
They should speak to a real financial adviser. Sure OP may have an interest in this, but it may help the wife feel more comfortable to make changes if the advice is coming from a stranger.
I agree. I feel like a lot of people have never worked a job they love to understand.
Thing is if she's that in love with the job and given what was said to her when she asked for a raise I doubt it selling the house was also an option that she also refused, she just put fixing the problem all on him.
He’s definitely NTA
Mann that’s rough! I feel bad for him we all say stupid stuff but Geesh at least give him a chance to change.
I’m surprised he actually wants it to work out. Those words would kill any marriage.
401k empty? they moved and couldn’t afford it? why would you do that…do not make financial decisions you cannot afford. What if she can’t work after she has a baby? what are you going to do? they obviously can’t afford the house they are in and what was the reason for emptying the 401k? they had family emergencies…what emergency? I wouldn’t touch my retirement unless I was dying. I definitely think he is the AH. Why go straight to divorce instead of getting counseling? is it just me or do people divorce so easily now and not even bother trying to work their problems out.
ESH. The old two wrongs don't make a right. She shouldn't have said what she said and he shouldn't have said what he said. At least not in front of anyone else, let alone her parents.
This story really has people reading into it to ascribe motive/s. Interesting.
ESH! Yah THINK you did something to damage your marriage??? I can understand your frustration, but there are certain things that you should keep in house, not put out for the public to see. Admittedly, she isn't helping and her refusal to take a realistic look at their actual options is unrealistic.
UPDATE: Yep, given what's been said it's no surprise.
Well... his wife did mention that she won't be complaining about money to her parents because OP has a new job. . . That's not exactly keeping things private.
Some ppl never think of themselves as part of “we” no matter how long ur together. They’ll always be “me, myself and I,” and u should look at their parents’ relationships + how they are in general for clues to see if that’ll be permanent. If ur with someone long enough for I to turn into we but it doesn’t…. RUN.
"That's your credit card. So it is your money. Since We're married your money is my money." - My Ex-Wife justifying why she is able to max out my Credit Card without ever telling me she is using it to pay for a Free-to-Play but Pay-To-Win browser game... Don't worry, she told me that I should report my credit card was stolen and have the charges removed. I was angry enough that I said the D word to her.... in hindsight, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble if I divorced her _then_ and not wait 4 more years.
Oh... she also refused to get a job. This is why I have more empathy for OP... his wife sounds like she doesn't want to make sacrifices for the _financial_ health of the relationship... just like my Ex-Wife refused to do.
Dude, you better buy condoms and USE them or you’re going to get baby trapped. Put the house on the market. She started the fight infront of the in laws, you made a response, she should not have started it
Nta. I don't see anything wrong with outing the devil in the situation.
Unpopular opinion: it is so rare to find a job you actually like. Stress from a job she hates will definitely still affect your home.
So she should have agreed to sell the house they can't afford
The wolf comes knocking and love flies out the door. Do we understand things?? We sign up for this when we get married. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health…. In poverty and in wealth. WE are in THIS totally TOGETHER. Because WE have hard times means that I am at FAULT?
No. WE are in this together. PERIOD. IF YOU WERE NEVER READY FOR HARD TIMES!!???? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GET MARRIED???? Life happens man!!! Sometimes this happens!! Can we get thru this?? Or not??? WTF.
His first response is get fucked! Bye babe. That’s not a husband. That’s NOT a partner. Her response is warranted.
Listen. We all deal with deep life issues differently. Can we normalize this. My schedule isn’t yours and vice Versa. But I’m dealing with it. Just because it doesn’t happen on your schedule….. doesn’t mean it’s not getting done.
He sucks. ASCON1 for me. And her response is protection. Not sorry here.
I'm gonna say he's the AH for a few reasons.
1 non of their financial hardships have specifically been his wife's fault.
2 it actually might be more financially beneficial to keep the house, it will gain equity and the cost of housing really isn't cheap right now regardless. I'm wondering if he's done all his research on that.
3 he mentioned his wife loves her job, doesn't what it is, but she did try for a raise and was shot down. Is it possible that being told she isn't worth more may have affected her mental health and she just accepted it. It might also be possible she isn't qualified for more. Op didn't say her education or job experience.
4 we all feel pressure from our parents and it's possible his wife was trying to joke/reassure her parents that they were doing better financially. We don't know them. She might have just made a fu pas mistake. Not a divorsable offense.
It sounds like op and his wife got hit by this thing called life where shit happens. What happened to " For better or worse, for richer or poorer"
My husband and I have been through something extremely similar to this couple and it's been hard and trying and I've cried plenty of nights but we never once thought divorce.
What happened is he's the only one trying here
Is he trying or is looking for excuses? His complaints are about money but divorce is expensive and can ruin your credit. She loves her job and asked for a raise. That is trying. She just wasn't successful. Job market isn't always easy and her self esteem just took a hit. He hasn't talked about other money saving endeavors to cut costs. Placing the blame on her just because he made the post isn't objective. What is works for a charity? What if she never finished college cause he wanted her to be sahw once they had kids. Op was not forthcoming about details.
@@LynnMcbeth-hp4tb He was forthcoming enough, we know she also refused to sell the house they can't afford and has not provided other options
💛
I dont blame him. But not in front of the parents. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue until you twi are alone. On that part alone yes you are the AH. But you need to work together. Shes wanting to live beyond her means. And why not look for a therapist instead of a divorce attorney? What is wrong with people?
Idk that he should have said it in private either if he was just going to complain that he might have ruined the marriage to Reddit. He’s acting like he didn’t mean it as she was just supposed to get over that threat.
I can understand her not wanting to sell the house, plus if it’s in a high COL area then it could take forever to sell it, plus all the fees estate agents will charge for their services. It is financially hard right now, but you can get through it, it just won’t happen overnight. Typical marriage vows of for richer, for poorer.