Why Your Perfectionism Keeps You From Doing Anything
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- Опубліковано 15 чер 2024
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Intro
00:09 - Reddit post
03:00 - Expectations
08:40 - Numb to disasters
16:06 - The magic of grief
20:10 - Emotion manifesting physically
24:59 - The process of grief
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My perfectionism makes me seem 'lazy' and 'slow' when in fact, I was just checking and rechecking way too many times.
Feel this 💯 I work in healthcare and I do this too. And when it’s patients lives you have in your hands it is so hard to not check and recheck. But then you find yourself with no time for the next patients. I’m a perfectionist in a very imperfect work setting.
Working under constant pressure and then the stress that comes with “being slow” has had me make more mistakes than if I’d take it easy, trust myself more and check less - but I really have a hard time letting go of checking and rechecking. It’s people’s lives. And always being understaffed makes it so darn hard.
Then the mistakes make me even more stressed and the re-checking becomes almost obsessive and triple fold because the brain is almost not registering what I’m looking at, since the prefrontal cortex is most likely already almost non-functioning by the stress.
That's a very ADHD trait
lol
true, this is why it takes me a while to write a story or to finish a drawing... quite ironic because the story I'm currently writing is about someone trying to fix their perfectionism
This feels too familiar
Remember: Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. One of the stories my dad told me is for a history course he took with my mom in university, my mom finished the essay with putting less effort into it and choosing an easier topic. Meanwhile, my dad toiled over the details too much and handed it in late. She got an A and he got a C down from an A despite both of them admitting he was better at the subject.
Thanks for sharing that
Damn.... That must have crushed him
Yeah it's must easier to write good speeches and essays on topic that are easily understandable.
I do have to wonder, in the context of grades who is better off in the long term: the person who took the easy route to get the best grade, or the person who took the most difficult route and ended up with a worse grade only because the assignment was submitted late? Your dad may have messed up by getting in his head and not managing his time better, but on the other hand, he learned something and may benefit from that down the road in a different way.
It happened to me lots of times. I'm an architect, and back in university I actually almost never finished a project at 100%, most of the time I got to 60% or so because I focused way too much on detail. I learned, by the end, that a better strategy was to just do a simple general design of everything without any fancy implementations, then add a second "layer of thought" and improve some aspects, then a third layer and so on until the deadline. It actually killed the perfectionist in me but ironically made me one of the top of my generation.
It's like "This isn't good enough. I can't move on until this is perfect because if I move on it proves this is the best I could do, and that proves I'm not good enough."
This is spot on
Thanks Highschool
I was a trainee at three places and two of them were pretty chill, but I was always baffled at how they would be fine with imperfections. Third place was more demanding, while again not asking for perfection and I nearly had a total breakdown while trying to attain my vision of perfection while I was scared to do anything. In the end, only after I relaxed I actually did my best and small mistakes didn't matter. It was so hard to just let to and actually believe that I was good enough to be there as is.
My life could not start fully until I renounced perfectionism. Don’t get me wrong, you never totally get rid of it, but with practice, you feel less and less pressure. I agree that is a process of grieving, I had to grieve and say good bye to it.
Graduate school put me in my place with regards to perfectionism. The deadlines are SO tight that there is no time to be perfect so, or you humble yourself or you break under overwhelming anxiety.
currently on a postgraduate study and the deadlines are DEFINITELY tight lmao.
How to start griefing because I don´t really feel able to grief about something that is actually not happened. I didn´t lost anything exept time and time its I think hard to grief about the time you lost in your perfectionism because you have the big feeling of pain wants you actually say to yourself its timeloss and it can´t be undone.
@@kornel9093 You are on the brink of a panic attack on the daily, lol.
@@yukki1425 You have to accept your limitations, be humble enough to be content with your “best” in a realistic context and then grieve that. The reason you don’t grieve is because your ego is holding on to “what has never happened”
@@di3486 indeed. got my schedules full until the end of november. time to embrace my mediocrity.
It’s like constantly chasing the meta in a video game - always trying to find the most efficient and effective strategy. Working to remind myself that it’s ok to just have fun
Haha this is me with 7ds 😆 🤣
This is a common thing. People optimize the fun out of a game. It's ok to have fun.
this is actually profound and helpful, thanks 💜
But what if chasing the meta IS your idea of fun?
Maybe more importantly (maybe)- have you realized that the whole point of playing most games is… to have fun?
Rather, if you’re not having fun why do you want to do it?
"Sometimes... we wanna do something." Dr. K out here with the truth bombs. 😌
Truly a statement of all time
The hole the "sometimes" leaves is kind of important
"You have this perfect version of yourself and you want to be that so bad..." This line made me cry dude. It's all I've been trying to do lately, and I feel terrible not reaching that goal. Thank you for this video
Try using that more like a guiding light and not something to attain 100% exactly. Then start trying to view yourself in a positive light each time you've noticed you've changed for the better
I don't get this obsession with being perfect or doing smth perfectly. What's so wrong about just being oneself, a stupid fuckup, happily rotting in the gutter?
I want to add to something you said :
My dad, who is also a psychotherapist, specialised in CBT, aaaalways told me this one thing, from when I was younger up to this day (because, of course, I'm also a perfectionnist with GAD, funnily enough):
"When people say "I could have done better, done this or that differently, etc.", they always tend to forget something : they didn't, because, for whatever reasons (whether it be physical, psychological, emotional, doesn't matter), they COULDN'T. Because if they could, why didn't they ?"
And to be franc, to this day, I still think about this on a daily basis.
Doesn't mean that we shouldn't thrive to do better or change what we want to change, question what are the reasons for whatever happened, but just realize that if we acted someway, no matter if the reasons were good or bad, we have to remember that we did what we could do at that time, and THEN, we can, as you said, grieve, understand, and move on.
To add to that - I wonder, if at a later point, we recognize we “could have done better”; this ability to recognize is from growth experience “post-failure”. Something which wouldn’t have been possible had we not performed the act of failing in the first place. So it’s like a continual delusion!
Excellent points. Really helpful.
Hehehe... CBT Specialist...
In software development, we have a strategy called ”Agile”. One of the principles is ”Working software is the primary measure of progress.” In the research paper example, the way to implement this is that your draft is the measure of progress. Maybe the first draft is a bulleted list of topics or sources. Then you go read part of a source, and flesh out more of your draft, at each step you have *something* you could turn in if you had to. Each step is likely to improve your grade. How many steps you do is up to your deadline, determination, and capability. You don't have to tackle all the resource reading first, then all the summary, then all the word smithing. All three steps can be done iteratively.
@DeniseSkidmore that’s really helpful
Something super fun is having ADHD and OCD. I have extremely high expectations for my life but my mind is such a jumbled mess of ideas I get confused and overwhelmed trying to plan anything. Then the OCD kicks in and puts doubt in all of my decisions because things aren’t absolutely perfect. I try to focus on being positive and the ADHD constantly shifts my attention back to the negative OCD thoughts. It’s a very interesting journey, to put it lightly.
Agree 100%. OCD is a terrible comorbidity to have with ADHD
@@yemaster9000 Could be worse, like my high-functioning autism comorbidity cocktail.
On the bright side theres always a shorter straw you can pull.
Holy shit I have this same combination. I've been able to deal with some parts of the OCD but the ADHD and perfectionism are kicking my ass.
I can relate...
Doesn't sound super fun at all!
I can't remember where I heard it, but I love the quote: "Finished and good enough will always be better than perfect but incomplete."
It was my idol
But i am not taking name
In my case, I noticed that I have a very poor management of stress and mental pressure compared to other people who are relatively stable in life. Not sure if it has to do with my innate characteristics or the fact that I haven't put myself in situations like that enough for me to train myself to thrive under those conditions. But when my stress level goes up, I get paralyzed and avoidant.
From my experience, stress is like a symptom, it arises under specific situation, and I have to dig deeper to find the root cause.
First, ask yourself: Is [not] (doing something) cause me stress?
Follow up question, it is helpful to ask both ways: How would I feel if (scenario) ? vs How would I feel if (opposite scenario) ?
Find the source of your feeling: on the body, from past event, the specific trigger
You and me both. I have a sister with a similar trait as well. Different diagnoses, but some kind of shared root to the pathology. I hope we can figure ourselves out eventually... And best of luck to you.
Don’t assume anything about anyone just based off of surface level observation. People are very good at wearing masks, you truly have no idea of the depth of suffering or chaos they are trudging through.
Being stoic and screaming on the inside is far more common than you think.
I go through the same thing, except I've had *too much* pressure in the past such that once the chronic pressure has been relieved, something inside of me just deflated. Now I'm all burnt out and stuck. Every time something that can cause stress happens, it just starts a whole spiral because of my body's conditioned panic response. Was diagnosed with GAD (anxiety) a couple of years ago.
मेरे मामले में, मैंने देखा कि जीवन में अपेक्षाकृत स्थिर रहने वाले अन्य लोगों की तुलना में मेरे पास तनाव और मानसिक दबाव का प्रबंधन बहुत खराब है। निश्चित नहीं हूं कि इसका संबंध मेरी जन्मजात विशेषताओं से है या इस तथ्य से कि मैंने खुद को ऐसी परिस्थितियों में नहीं डाला है कि मैं खुद को उन परिस्थितियों में पनपने के लिए प्रशिक्षित कर सकूं। लेकिन जब मेरे तनाव का स्तर बढ़ जाता है, तो मैं पंगु हो जाता हूं और टाल-मटोल करने लगता हूं।
"Good enough" is your best friend and ally against perfectionism. Use it as a mantra, eat it for breakfast, say it in the mirror.
You can also do a little exposure therapy and purposely get a few answers wrong on a test (still pass, though) or leave that "one last spot" dirty when you clean. My therapist has a saying: "B's get degrees" and because of my illness I've had to just let go on a few assignments and be ok with it.
Also, get impatient! Say "I'm sick of working on this project, it's boring, I want to move on to the next thing!
These are some things that have helped me. Still hard to start a music project or something else I'm passionate about because I genuinely WANT it to be super awesome, but yeah, progress is being made.
Thanks for the tips ❤️ Have a lovely day!
अच्छा" आपका सबसे अच्छा दोस्त और पूर्णतावाद के विरुद्ध सहयोगी है। इसे एक मंत्र के रूप में प्रयोग करें, इसे नाश्ते में खाएं, इसे दर्पण में कहें।
आप थोड़ी एक्सपोज़र थेरेपी भी कर सकते हैं और जानबूझकर किसी परीक्षा में कुछ उत्तर गलत दे सकते हैं (हालाँकि फिर भी पास हो जाते हैं) या जब आप सफ़ाई करते हैं तो उस "एक आखिरी स्थान" को गंदा छोड़ सकते हैं। मेरे चिकित्सक का कहना है: "बी को डिग्री मिलती है" और मेरी बीमारी के कारण मुझे बस कुछ कार्यों को छोड़ना पड़ा और इसके साथ ठीक रहना पड़ा।
इसके अलावा, अधीर हो जाओ! कहो "मैं इस प्रोजेक्ट पर काम करते-करते थक गया हूँ, यह उबाऊ है, मैं अगली चीज़ पर जाना चाहता हूँ!
ये कुछ चीजें हैं जिनसे मुझे मदद मिली है. एक संगीत परियोजना या कुछ और शुरू करना अभी भी कठिन है जिसके बारे में मैं भावुक हूं क्योंकि मैं वास्तव में चाहता हूं कि यह बहुत बढ़िया हो, लेकिन हां, प्रगति हो रही है।
“Bs get degrees” is where it’s at! I’ll stick a note with it on my desk
I think this is more specifically an issue with acceptance. I think people have a problem accepting how things are, because there's a world's worth of comparisons to potentially better things readily available on the internet all the time. Why accept how things are, when you know every single better thing which could be? Why not just constantly pursue that? And then people burn themselves out, and become jaded with how things are because they can't change everything they want to be better.
People think they're giving up a better future by just accepting happiness now, which is such a toxic mindset to be in. It's something I, especially, have been guilty of. And I'm still trying to get over that mindset, be more accepting of how things are in this moment, think of progress in terms of comparison to how I was when I started instead of in terms of comparisons to others or based on the expectations of others. And though it's slow progress, it's been helping a lot.
This was something I needed to read. I’ve constantly felt like being happy right now and accepting my circumstances would only keep me in the place that i view as subpar. Like I shouldn’t be happy because I still haven’t made progress on things I should have long ago. I understand now it’s important to separate the mindset from your perceived “progress”. I’d rather be making minimal progress with a healthy outlook on things than be beating myself up and still not going anywhere.
Progress from where you started? Geez, I WISH that could make me happy lol. I don't think my brain works like that. Even if I get a slightly better job, if I don't like what I do and am still envious of people online, then of course I'm going to still feel unhappy.
Thank you! I really needed to make sense of that
That’s really interesting. Long ago, when we lived in a small village, the local tradesperson was perhaps the only one in the village in his/here trade. So, the only person to compare himself/herself to was a prior mentor, which had an association of learning rather than competing with, presumably. If there were others in the same trade nearby, they were more likely to have known since childhood with all their flaws as well as successes. I imagine that extended the perceived playing field in a way and reduced the perception that others have it all together…that lofty achievements are the norm.
This is a very valuable comment.
I've literally never got past the pre-production stage on about 6 projects now for the last 8 years. I've literally spent my youth to adulthood finishing nothing. Issue is, the confidence from a completed product is what I need in order to complete anything. Without that, I have no reference for success. I'm stuck. I literally edited this comment 5 times.
The editing part is too real
Confidence doesn't come from success, it's what leads to success. If you don't have it (and many of us don't) then it has to come from somewhere else.
Because if you don't believe in yourself, if you're always putting qualifiers on doing it, like "if only I did this, THEN I'd feel better" it rarely ever turns out to be true. It's too easy to move the goalposts, or come up with a dozen reasons why that one thing you DID do doesn't count, or say "yeah but it wasn't THAT good, it should have been better" etc. If you believe that you aren't good enough, you can rationalize away any evidence that shows otherwise, no matter how irrefutable you think it might be now. The mindset has to change first.
And no I'm not psychologist, I can't tell you how to do that, unfortunately...but I think it helps to at least understand what the goal should be, maybe it will help you look in the right places.
@@ZeroKitsune Read some psycology then instead of talking out of your ass. Confidence is learned like anything else, be it your own or others experience. You wouldn't believe what you are writing without the positive reinforcment to back it up, such as personal experience or someone else's teaching or experience. If all your experiences convince you that you are not capable, you will not be confident. Look up Learned Helplessness.
The actual, scientific way to become confident is to get enough positive feedback that it overwrites the previous belief.
Sometimes it's hard to try to do something new because you don't want to look or feel bad at it. It's especially difficult if you get told you're "smart" by enough people that you feel pressured to excel almost immediately, without really having to try, because you may not want to get the criticism that comes with not being good (yet), since it challenges the expectation you perceive to be a genius who is good at everything all the time. Even though the reality is that you're never going to get good if you don't develop and learn, and even the people who succeed in something that they seem flawless at it, certainly didn't come out of the womb being incredibly amazing even if they had a "gift" for it. No, they had to also work hard and put in that effort, even if they had a head start.
i struggle with this. ive often had success in picking up new things easily, basically skipping the beginner stage, but since i pick up things easily, the pressure to not fail at them is strong. its pressure i put on myself, i am aware, but that pressure stops me from trying to pursue that activity that im doing further because inevitably i will run into failure (as it is part of the learning process), and failure is not an option. but quitting before that failure is.
that is how i have started piano, violin, guitar, ukelele, drawing, painting, sculpting, japanese, italian, german, coding, different types of design, etc. at all of them at first i got by with little effort, and with good results, but dropped out in all cases before that first inevitable failure.
trying to work on it tho, but its like reprogramming your whole perception of yourself.
@@claraestrada5080 you've definitely got ambition and promise, and I guarantee you if you just stick to things and work through the pain of making mistakes you'll do a lot. That's how I've accomplished anything, taking the Ls on the chin and keeping on with the keeping on.
I had a "friend" that used to tell me that i probably should stop doing whatever i was learning to do, because it obviously didn't work. It didn't matter that i was trying it for the first time. She always saw me as a failure, because that made her feel better about herself. It took me a while, but I later realized that she was the living form of the voice in my head that always tell me i'm a failure and I won't ever suceed at anything. She was the embodiment of my anxiety and perfectionism.
My life feels so much better without her.
God, I feel this very much. Everyone always told me I was so smart and intelligent. You can do anything…. So when I stumble, or feel completely lost learning a new skill or doing a task; I feel like a complete fraud. A huckster. Really messes me up.
कभी-कभी कुछ नया करने का प्रयास करना कठिन होता है क्योंकि आप इसे बुरा नहीं देखना चाहते या महसूस नहीं करना चाहते। यह विशेष रूप से कठिन है यदि आपको इतने सारे लोग कहते हैं कि आप "स्मार्ट" हैं और आप बिना किसी प्रयास के, लगभग तुरंत उत्कृष्टता प्राप्त करने के लिए दबाव महसूस करते हैं, क्योंकि हो सकता है कि आप उस आलोचना को प्राप्त न करना चाहें जो अच्छे (अभी तक) नहीं होने के कारण आती है। चूँकि यह उस अपेक्षा को चुनौती देता है जिसके बारे में आप सोचते हैं कि आप एक ऐसे प्रतिभाशाली व्यक्ति हैं जो हर समय हर चीज़ में अच्छा है। यद्यपि वास्तविकता यह है कि यदि आप विकास नहीं करते और सीखते नहीं हैं तो आप कभी भी अच्छे नहीं हो सकते, और यहां तक कि जो लोग किसी ऐसी चीज़ में सफल होते हैं जो उन्हें दोषरहित लगती है, वे निश्चित रूप से अविश्वसनीय रूप से अद्भुत होने के कारण गर्भ से बाहर नहीं आए हैं भले ही उनके पास इसके लिए कोई "उपहार" हो। नहीं, उन्हें भी कड़ी मेहनत करनी पड़ी और प्रयास करना पड़ा, भले ही उन्होंने बढ़त हासिल कर ली हो।
My therapist started helping me let go of my perfectionism last year, when I was petrified and also having physical health problems in the middle of grad school. My overall quality of life has really improved since then. I have to keep remembering that perfectionism isn't sustainable. Also, I realized that I missed out on so many opportunities in the past (both school/career and in my personal life) because I was too obsessed with doing my work perfectly. My mind was too fixed on a few things and I couldn't see what else were going on around me, and it was sabotaging my life.
Honestly it was quite difficult to accept, because I was surrounded by peers (in grad school) who weren't only ambitious perfectionists, but were also workaholics in their early 20s. Me, being in my early 30s and experiencing a lot of physical pain, couldn't keep up with their lifestyle of sleep-deprivation and marathon work in front of a computer. I felt guilty when my work doesn't really show what I know I'm capable of, and wondered what's wrong with me that I can't keep up with them. But I realized that my mental and physical health problems are an accumulation of my sleep-deprived, overwork lifestyle in my 20s. It came to a breaking point that I was having excruciating muscle tension and cramps from the stress and an ovarian cyst that I didn't check on for several years. It's like my body had to tell me that I can't keep doing this to myself.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm in my 20's right now, not going to school, im just working a regular job and trying to get by, but staying physically active and working on my mental health to stay positive, yknow? And so I think it is nice to hear that doing the 'workaholic 20-something pulling all-nighters working on papers' thing isn't always the ideal way to success? Like, you mentioned it had a negative affect on you over time, and into your 30's. I think more people need to hear that, so they can be careful of how their actions affect their health not just in the short term but the long term as well. I want to go back to college eventually but I want to do it in a healthier way- I can't let this societal pressure of being perfectly productive get in the way of my health. And I want more people to see it that way too. this is a little bit of a jumbled mess of a reply, but if you happen to read it thanks! And I wish you the best with your journey to better health ❤️
मेरे चिकित्सक ने पिछले साल मेरी पूर्णतावाद को दूर करने में मेरी मदद करना शुरू कर दिया था, जब मैं डर गया था और ग्रेजुएट स्कूल के बीच में शारीरिक स्वास्थ्य समस्याएं भी हो रही थीं। तब से मेरे जीवन की समग्र गुणवत्ता में वास्तव में सुधार हुआ है। मुझे यह याद रखना होगा कि पूर्णतावाद टिकाऊ नहीं है। इसके अलावा, मुझे एहसास हुआ कि मैंने अतीत में (स्कूल/करियर और अपने निजी जीवन दोनों में) बहुत सारे अवसर गँवा दिए क्योंकि मैं अपना काम पूरी तरह से करने के प्रति बहुत अधिक जुनूनी था। मेरा दिमाग कुछ चीजों पर बहुत अधिक केंद्रित था और मैं यह नहीं देख पा रहा था कि मेरे आसपास और क्या चल रहा है, और यह मेरे जीवन को बर्बाद कर रहा था।
ईमानदारी से कहूं तो इसे स्वीकार करना काफी मुश्किल था, क्योंकि मैं (ग्रैजुएट स्कूल में) साथियों से घिरा हुआ था, जो न केवल महत्वाकांक्षी पूर्णतावादी थे, बल्कि 20 साल की उम्र में काम के शौकीन भी थे। मैं, अपनी शुरुआती 30 की उम्र में और बहुत अधिक शारीरिक दर्द का अनुभव करते हुए, नींद की कमी और कंप्यूटर के सामने मैराथन काम की अपनी जीवनशैली को बरकरार नहीं रख सका। जब मेरा काम वास्तव में वह नहीं दिखाता जो मैं जानता हूं कि मैं करने में सक्षम हूं, तो मुझे दोषी महसूस हुआ, और मुझे आश्चर्य हुआ कि मेरे साथ क्या गलत है कि मैं उनके साथ नहीं रह सकता। लेकिन मुझे एहसास हुआ कि मेरी मानसिक और शारीरिक स्वास्थ्य समस्याएं मेरी 20 की उम्र में नींद से वंचित, अधिक काम करने वाली जीवनशैली का परिणाम हैं। यह एक चरम बिंदु पर पहुंच गया कि मुझे तनाव के कारण मांसपेशियों में अत्यधिक तनाव और ऐंठन हो रही थी और एक डिम्बग्रंथि पुटी थी जिसकी मैंने कई वर्षों से जांच नहीं की थी। यह ऐसा है जैसे मेरे शरीर को मुझसे कहना पड़ा कि मैं अपने साथ ऐसा नहीं कर सकता।
I nearly failed High School because of this. I would write and re-write essays and they were never up to my own idea of good enough. I would turn them in late or never at all. I never had a grade above a C. I wanted to put my all into everything I did because part of me believed (and still believes) that my actions reflect my worth. If the work I did was sub-par, then so was I.
What I've now learned to work on is detaching my idea of worth from mundane tasks like chores and homework. Instead I find my worth in the things that I find value in. My hobbies, my loved ones and the way I treat others. Everything else is just something I have to get done and doesn't define me. I've been slowly changing my mindset to this and I'm much better off.
@Marcia K. I'm so sorry you're going through that. You've described exactly what my highschool experience was like.
I still have nightmares about it to this day tbh.
Believe me when I say that this video is exactly what you need. Work towards getting rid of the perfect expectation you have of yourself. After years of dating my SO he taught me how to let go little by little. I took that mentality into college and got a 3.7gpa in my first year. I was so happy I cried over it because I thought I'd never get anything above a C.
It's not going to happen overnight. This took years and is still something I'm working on. So hang in there!
You're a senior now and you're almost there! I am so proud of you! Take care of yourself and remember that, "anything worth doing is worth half-a**ing" :)
The first time I felt like i had control over my life was when I intentionally tanked my grades enough for me to go to a different high school from where my parents wanted me to go. Now I have a weird relationship with success and I'm actively working with a therapist to get to a healthier space. Just thought I'd share.
From a very young age, I remember playing a racing game on the Wii called Build'n Race. It was a game where you built and customized the car you wanted to drive and then the cars were placed on a race track to race. I would, upon beginning the race and realizing i hadn't had the swiftest of starts, restart the race not even a few seconds into it until I was satisfied with my progress. Now that I look back, I definitely see traces of "perfectionism" per se even during my very early years
Thanks, Dr K. I'm struggling with writing my BA thesis at the moment, and there's not much time left so I'm feeling so overwhelmed... I keep getting trapped in procrastination-distraction-escapism route, telling myself that I have a proof I can do it because "I've done that in the past" so yeah. Bits of your video really hit the right marks.
I am exactly in the same situation right now. It's hard, but we are going to make it, and get our damn degree!
Ja napisałem magisterkę dokładnie w dwa tygodnie dokładnie z tego samego powodu, chociaż miałem wcześniej przygotowany plan, jako pracę domową na seminarium magisterskie. Trzymam kciuki 😁 A z czego piszesz?
I feel this is related. Whenever I’m playing LoL, the moment I start taking things too seriously and starting thinking about every little thing I need to do correctly is the moment I feel like I can’t play at all anymore. But if I just say you know what I just wanna have fun and go into a game laughing and trying to have a good time is the when I actually perform my best.
Never in my life have I heard someone explain this problem in the exact way I experience it. God, I love this community ❤️
As a "gifted kid" with ADHD I had always been good or good enough to get good grade or learning new thing but when it comes to practicing I am paralyzed because of the perfectionism problem.
This has messed me up for the best of 30 years
Wait was I first wtf
@@-what yes
i feel that
@@mateomartinez8863 it’s always when you’re not trying
there are 13 of you with "11 hours ago" so I dunno probably first
This hits so close to home. When I got accepted to a prestigious MBA program ( I thought for sure I would get rejected) I was so happy I stopped trying to "fill the void" with food and I lost 5 lbs and got as close as I could to my goal weight in 2 years. I remember telling myself "You're so close to your ideal self" and that repeated thought actually sabotaged myself as I stopped going to the gym and I stopped studying as hard and ended up drifting away from that ideal I was so close to.
M7?
Wow! This is 100% the way I am, and have been struggling with for a long time now.
Thanks, so MUCH for the talk, Dr K!
Don't define your entire identity by your achievements. Coming to terms with this will entail said grieving process. It's hard to keep our identities separate from our performance. One thing I try to remind myself is that I am not "the kind of person who makes perfect grades and excellent test scores" but am "the kind of person who tries their best under circumstances that I can't always control." Allow yourself to risk your performance not being perfect because you are still you. The labels and ideas we have about self may change over time, and we grieve when we lose them, but that is part of becoming who we really are, I think.
अपनी संपूर्ण पहचान को अपनी उपलब्धियों से परिभाषित न करें। इसके साथ समझौता करने में उक्त शोक प्रक्रिया शामिल होगी। अपनी पहचान को अपने प्रदर्शन से अलग रखना कठिन है। एक बात जो मैं खुद को याद दिलाने की कोशिश करता हूं वह यह है कि मैं "उस तरह का व्यक्ति नहीं हूं जो सही ग्रेड और उत्कृष्ट टेस्ट स्कोर बनाता है" बल्कि "मैं उस तरह का व्यक्ति हूं जो उन परिस्थितियों में अपना सर्वश्रेष्ठ प्रयास करता है जिन्हें मैं हमेशा नियंत्रित नहीं कर सकता।" अपने आप को अपने प्रदर्शन को सही न होने का जोखिम उठाने की अनुमति दें क्योंकि आप अभी भी आप ही हैं। स्वयं के बारे में हमारे जो लेबल और विचार हैं वे समय के साथ बदल सकते हैं, और जब हम उन्हें खो देते हैं तो हम दुखी होते हैं, लेकिन मुझे लगता है कि यह वह बनने का हिस्सा है जो हम वास्तव में हैं।
Striving for perfection is fine, but obsessing over it is a problem
Oh my god I have a word for this now. I had applied to a full time, paid, software development training program TWICE. I didn't get in both times but because I thought I was likely to get into it, I didn't apply myself to my current job. "Ahh, I'll just be gone soon anyway. I don't want to be a waste of resources". I avoided so many opportunities to climb and explore in where I actually was for almost 2 years. After discovering I hadn't gotten into the training program the second time, I decided I needed to let it go. Let go of that idea. I needed to grieve. And I did. And I am so glad.
I was JUST talking to my mom about this last night about my College Art Classes. Dr. K just knows when to enter my life with the perfect topics, it is a gift.
I’m generally so impressed with how you put these videos together, you get the topic and then you actually add possible solutions and perspective which is absolutely what we need!
Some time ago i was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I was unable to be good at school because in math (as an example) i would check a calculation multiple times to make sure that it was correct. At home i would flip the light switch multiple times to make sure that the light is really turned off.
Now some of that stuff got better but my perfectionism still leads to horrible efficiency and performance. I'm also not starting any new topic if i feel like i won't be able to become really good at it.
It's so odd how much of life is this paradox: to get something you must let go of it.
just showing up is what much of life is about. not being the star player, but still being hungry for the deeper knowledge from observation, thats been much of my life too. just showing up is how i've gotten almost all my gains in my professional work life, and you find yourself asking, "how did i end up here?" haha and being a student of the game gives you perspective for skills and where they shine. knowing where you fit best allows you to belong.
this is probably a little different but i think my problem is that once something makes me feel negative emotions like anxiety or sadness or insecurity, i continue to associate those feelings with it. For examples, if i messed up a particular kind of task at work and got called out by my boss, every time i'm assigned that kind of task it invokes negative feelings in me and i've realized that prevents me from moving on and getting better at it, and also affects my overall mental health bc eventually i start hating the very idea of work.
What’s my future like now? Well it’s dark and grim but it COULD be better if I overcome this overwhelm. I have never felt so called out. Thank you for this video. I started a brand new job and I feel so overwhelmed and paralyzed trying to be perfect.
This is so true. Your video where you shared 5 habits inspired me to worry less about being perfect, and just get back to writing, and as I got that ball rolling, I felt great and had a lot of fun. Before that, I had waited for several days to write, because I was worried that it wouldn't be good enough.
i'm so glad i came accross your channel. your're so to the point. also your vibe is so calm, i enjoy it.
crying. thank you for this💛
This video really helped me.
I always was afraid of studying because I worried about not doing it "good enough".
Once I let go of that worry, it became so much easier.
why does your videos come the exact moment i need them
It's a community led channel, and we are hivemind. Kind of comforting knowing whatever you are going through, you aren't alone in it.
Dr k i love you you're like the father i never had
fatherless child
I think we all got daddy issues. Our dads were “tough men” and didn’t know how to love like this. It’s more feminine but more human and I can only hope we can pass this type of love down to our kids.
This is so me, it hurts
Also re: grieving I think it's spot on. It's also why (I think) so many people were so annoyed by the pandemic/lockdowns etc. Everyone had to take a minute and focus on themselves and everyone else around them and our need to be distracted (by the news or scandals or our phones) wasn't there anymore
This just really hits the nail on the head for me. Glad to know other people experience the same thing.
This was a very good video . Especially on grieving, I found it so helpful and eye-opening . A deeper way of letting go
I just wanted to say this channel is helping me. Thank you
Perfect timing, I really needed this
I love you man, thanks for helping the helpless!
This has to be the best video I ever watched from you Dr. K. Never thought about it this way to fix perfectionism.
I used to be a perfectionist a year ago, but thanks to you Dr. K, I'm not anymore. Thanks a lot for your responses on mental health, and thanks to the community for having these problems shared!
Let go is the best advice in life that I ever heard and the best thing about it is that you can use it for anything
the grieving talk is extremely relevant to my life rn because i just broke up with my gf of 3 years. this channel inspires me to be a better person.
Thank you so much dude. May God bless you. I love this video and I'm so very grateful for it. ♥👍🙏
Been a minute! These videos always refresh my perspective and ground me. Thank you!
I used to be confident and decisive, but after years of working for an employer who never said "thank you" or appreciated my work, even when I would physically hurt myself for it, I feel too confused and scared by what would happen during my employment to start. I've only been in the workforce 5 or 6 years, I've been homeless, manipulated, and left penniless and jobless after asking for a raise during COVID.
Oh hey anyone got any ideas how to make money from home? Godda pay bills again soon, and haven't gotten a call back from anyone in months.
I am more than open to questions, comments, and suggestions. I've been stuck in this rut for a month now and my rent is dangerously overdue. 22 and overqualified for most work, just deciding to pare down my resumé at this point. Any suggestions or questions about my lifestyle are welcome, as they can help me reconsider ways to repair and reconsider my present and future situations.
Heres the quick advice:
Figure out what the financial incentives are where you (want to) live. Structure your decisions around them. Take any help and support you can and get someone who is good with communication to help you with the job search. Don't be picky you can always retrain or switch later. Don't stay in any situation with a usurious landlord or abusive workplace if at all possible -i.e. only tolerate this temporarily in an emergency. YT has a bunch of advice, its your job to search specifically for what to do in your situation
@@henryholsten8802 unfortunately this "you should rely on an abusive workplace or usurious landlord only in an emergency" applied 24/7. I live in southern California and have never been paid over $16/hour. Even when I work 50 hours a week with full maintenance, janitorial and IT I'm still only paid $14/hour. Ask for a raise after boosting business profits in an obvious manner, and get fired for questioning authority.
I'd sue but the business is already failing and I won't get anything after lawyers fees so it's not worth it. And "it's your job to research and know your resources" is understandable as a response from the average person, but it's not at all understanding when you consider I struggle with mental illness and what seems to make sense to most others doesn't make sense to me naturally. I don't know where to look or who to ask, and my own family has disconnected and disowned me at this point.
I take any and all help I can, and even reach out to as many resources as I can, even if I'm unsure if I qualify. All my decisions currently are structured around getting my driver's license, a car, and an apartment either within or out of state. This sounds simple to most - go get a job, save money, make purchase. It's more convoluted when you have such terrible luck with employment that you're basically just selling your bodily health for money.
Do you know of any good specific general cheap/minimal lifestyle UA-camrs? I'd be gardening already but I'm 6'1" and I share a single room with my girlfriend and two dogs. Not enough space here for that. I also don't trust the general area of "the internet" to give me my answers when there's so much guesswork and misinformation sitting out there to get confused with, hence why I ask for recommendations instead of searching for resources myself.
Thank you for this channel. It has helped me so much. 🙏🙏 God bless you, we appreciate all your insights and guidance❤
Thank you for this video! It comes at a very good time in my life and confirms that I am on the right path, giving me some guidance on the way.
I have to chant the mantra "Finished is better than perfect." over and over and over. I also realized that it came from trauma. It ruined my high school grades with perfectionism. Also, working on dealing with ambiguity. As a perfectionist, I have to know what you want for me to do it perfectly. When something is ambiguous like English class, it drove me mad. Now I'm forcing myself to just do something and reading the rubric as best I can.
I was a pretty decent squash player in my younger years. One year I began a competitive season by winning my first 10 matches, during which stretch I only lost a single game (squash is best of five games, like men’s tennis). I had a record of 30-1 games. And every match, one by one by one, I found it harder and harder and harder to prepare, and to enjoy the game, and to comets, because the thought of losing got harder and harder to accept. That season was phenomenally influential in my life development, because I learned that striving for perfection is well and good, but allowing it to be the only acceptable outcome is not.
"I learned that striving for perfection is well and good, but allowing it to be the only acceptable outcome is not."
- Wow. I think that's a pretty good quote for helping people (like myself) who tend to struggle with perfectionism.
@@johnwalker1058 I’m glad to hear that!
You have no idea how much I needed this
I needed this, thank you.
Yooooo. Usually the solutions to the problems are somethings I could probably intuit through my own experiences and common sense, but I was genuinely caught off guard by the answer for this one. Definitely feeling excited to try to implement this new tech as paralyzing perfectionism is something I often struggle with. Good stuff, Dr. K.
Thank you, I really needed that
"The loss is over" got me. Realized I was still holding on to it. Thank you
Man, I've been saying I need to learn how to let go. The more I watch your videos the more I'm convinced I'm not getting the proper help. Because my psychologist gives advice like "let go", just like any random person, but when I ask HOW? I get nothing. And you, Dr. K., actually cover HOW something is done. This is invaluable and something a lot of 'advice' and 'help' is missing. It's easy to tell people what they should do. But the HOW is the important part.
Learning to celebrate and to grieve big AND little things has done a lot for me ❤️ grieving our expectations is not easy, but I believe it does make us better persons and allows us to take action more easily .
दु: ख
This video literally saved me. If I continued going down this chasm of perfectionism, I would have lost myself forever. Perfectionism is soul-draining and it turns your greatest passion into a stale job. I didn't even know that I forgot how to grieve until Dr K mentioned it. I always wondered why forcing myself to "just start" never worked, but now I see it's because I never properly grieved. Thank you, Dr K. Now I can finally have fun.
I am SO glad I have always been perfectly fine with being "mediocre"
This is great advice for me. Thank you so much.
I had perfectionism mindset when I was in high school trying to overdo my homework. Dropped that mindset before 20s after failing time management consistently because of it.
Dr. K videos have helped me countless times in the past, they have helped me out of the actual bottom of my proverbial barrel during the pandemic. I have never broken down in gasping tears until this one. Thank you, Dr. K.
YOU ARE A GENIUS I JUST LOVE YOU BRO
Thanks for your view on this topic Dr. K. I'm currently studying journalism and I have to create lots of items where as it feels like I'm being trained to be a assembly line employee. So much work in such a short period of time. Part of the job ofcourse, deadlines are sacred in journalism. But I just can't figure out how to let my creative side, which I know I have, shine through while still getting everything done on time. This video gave me some good insights, definitely taking your advice into the upcoming year!
This is very much needed for me. I'll try this out tomorrow
This came just at the right time. I'm taking some stupid classes that I don't really need but it's good to have this qualification just in case. I got tachycardia just by listening to the assignments yesterday. I just imagined the volume of work and thought about quitting as I was listening to the explanations.
i feel like you know me better than i know myself, thank you so much
I felt that, and I know it would be so freaking hard but how much I need it. And THEN, just off hand my mom mentions how I have a little bit of her GI bill left. And it reminded me how most of it went to my brother, because of course she wasn't worried about me, I'm such a good students I'll get tons of scholarships to most of my schooling anyway. Like how do I grieve openly and hard when even if I "fix" all my self pressures I still have the financial pressure of my family? My perfection makes me dependable.
have you ever wondered if your perfectionism is the result of toxic people in your life convincing you….the only way you can provide for the family is if you’re flawless?
that’s exactly what happened to me.
my family warped and convinced me since birth i must be perfect to fix their deficiencies.
in reality, these people were already dysfunctional and unable to be helped. why would they need a child or a young adult to support them if they wanted to change?
why place that burden on a kid?
Thank you!
Learning to Grieve and letting go then looking forward to the future.
This is the first video of yours I’ve watched….I’m feeling the same sensation as when I discovered joe Rogan, weed, and the nfl! Your cadence, articulation, and clarity of speech along with actual practical and applicable advisement is slightly overwhelming lol thank you man!
So close to 1M subs! Been here since 5 digits, keep up the amazing work!
"All my *grief* says the same thing: this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. And the world laughs, holds my hope by the throat, says: but this is how it is." - Fortesa Latifi
achieving perfection (or the closest you'll ever get) starts with getting good. Letting go is for when you're done being acceptable.
When your own subreddit gets so toxic you start seeking out others. Honestly though, I think this is a great idea, gives us more diverse content. Great work!
i dont use it, how is it toxic? is it just men wailing in their sorrows and incels im guessing...?
That's what I was wondering, why he doesn't use healthy gamer?
Understanding Attachment to Perfection:
Why am I so attached to doing things perfectly?
What does it mean for me to engage in this behavior?
How would I feel about myself if I didn’t do this task perfectly?
How would I feel if I started the task without aiming for perfection?
Grieving the Ideal Self:
What would it mean if I achieved less than my ideal (e.g., getting a B- instead of an A+)?
How does the idea of not being perfect affect my self-perception?
Can I acknowledge and accept the hurt that comes from not meeting my own high standards?
Embracing Uncertainty and Moving Forward:
Can I grieve the loss of my 'perfect' self and still do a good job?
What does it mean for my future if I let go of being perfect?
How does holding onto perfectionism affect my present and future?
Practical Steps in Grieving Perfectionism:
Acknowledge the feelings of loss or disappointment in letting go of perfection.
Have compassion towards yourself for not meeting high expectations.
Consider what steps you can take to move forward realistically.
Reflecting on the Impact of Perfectionism:
How does striving for perfection make me feel in the present - overwhelmed, paralyzed?
What positive feelings emerge when I let go of the need to be perfect and just start a task?
Understanding the Nature of Grief:
Recognize that grief is not just about reminiscing; it’s about processing loss and reshaping the future.
Grief can be episodic and might resurface at times, especially during significant dates or events.
Dealing with High Expectations:
Where do these high expectations come from?
What does it feel like to not live up to these expectations, and how can I comfort myself in that disappointment?
What constructive steps can I take after acknowledging my limitations?
Thank you 🙏
I needed this
Damn this perspective is everything 🥹🥹
6:58 "Just be perfect at being imperfect!"
Omg this has never been so true to me when I went to art school. I would never finish a piece cuz it was never good enough
Came back to this video after putting down a flat wash, the first one on my study of a forest, getting overwhelmed and putting it away. I want to learn to paint backgrounds.. but overwhelming.
Yeah, thats pretty much my whole life 🙌🏼 I would just rather do nothing and make no choice than make a bad one and mess up. Makes no sense but yeah 🤓
man i wasnt tryna cry today but here we go. the words are hitting me right in my soul lol god damn it
The Saul Goodman of mental health
wish i had found u sooner in my life, that's what i was grieving about
Dr. K's tiktok nurse example reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend the other day about how people have no idea how to healthily grieve; especially in our digital-only pandemic age where we might have lost some ability to interact on a personal and tangible level. So people try to get some sort of emotional validation out there the only way they know how:: like making Tiktok videos expressing a sad moment in their lives (without them looking sad at all, might I add). Like we saw a video where someone was talking about how their pet passed away and they were doing a dance with those words that show up on the beats lmao
Like I understand that people may express grief differently, but people moreso seem to repress rather than detach or be honest with themselves; sort of pushing how they feel to the side. I think we as a society have really gotten numb to not only our grief but to our emotions in general. When's the last time you really talked to someone or found someone post about their darkest thoughts or how things made them truly feel? Society turns them away or gives them the side-eye the moment they try to be vulnerable, or most of society itself just stopped knowing how to care. It's a sad reality that I believe can be changed and is why I love HGG's work on mental health.
Speaking of grief and vulnerability: when someone close to me passed, I was out of it for a couple of months. Some days I felt like I wanted to die and it felt like there was a huge hole in my chest. But I know that that person was proud of me and would want me to keep moving forward in life. Honoring them is one thing that keeps me going, as well as knowing that they were right - that there are things that I want to do with my life. Their 1st birthday without them will be coming up soon (as well as the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.). It's going to hurt and it still does. Life isn't easy, but I want to keep going for them, for me, my friends and other loved ones, and I want to see what I can do. And living life out has given me some of the most happiest and eye-opening moments of my life.
As always, perfect timing Dr k
Thanks doc
How do these videos always come up at the perfect time?