Why Giving Your Partner SPACE Is Important For A Relationship | Esther Perel
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- Опубліковано 5 лип 2022
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Every relationship straddles freedom and commitment ,togetherness and separateness, connection and independence … in every relationship there is often one person who is more inclined to the connection and one person who is more inclined for the separateness one person afraid of losing the other and one person more afraid of losing themselves, one person more in touch of the fear of abandonment , one person more in touch with the fear of suffocation … we all have both but we organize our relationship … seasonal
What does that last part mean?
Can I also just say IT IS OKAY to have an anxious attachment style and make your needs for intimacy and closeness known to a partner willing to meet your needs while you move towards a more secure attachment style.
As long as you know "balance" and honor your partners need for space. Otherwise if feels like suffocation, and does not create the space for the other to come to you.
@@kyrareneeLOA hence me saying “a partner willing to meet your needs” if your style is avoidant and you’re uncomfortable with my needs as an anxiously attached person then we’re not compatible and shouldn’t be together.
This is so hard for me. I love him so much and I want to be with him, he’s deployed and wants to talk less. It’s hard for me. He said he feels controlled and scrutinized when I ask where he was , who he was with and his much he drank… I believe he is measured and I don’t think I need to worry… but I still feel insecure and want more communication-i willing share almost everything I do because I miss him and want to share my moments with him. I know I’m insecure attachment from high aces score. Fuck. Married only one year so far. I don’t want to sabotage but I also feel like impulsively asking things like that :( I need help. I love him and want him to be free, but it also scares me. I feel misunderstood and scared. I need help.
According to everything I've seen, it's not ok. Avoidants get whatever they want, and anxious people are left holding the bag. Why is no one talking to the avoidants? Why are they considered right?
@@JB-mh5xy because people make more money on teaching anxious people how to play magical attention seeking games to “get your man back” and encourages our protest behavior which gets us no where with the wrong person.
I don't think it's so much as being "apart" but it's important to have other interests, hobbies and/or activities that's separate from your partner. While it's great in doing a lot together (shared experiences, trips, etc), it's good to have "your own things"
It makes the bond much stronger
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Communication is key more than anything
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And this part is so me... 7:17. That is priceless to a healthy relationship. It does not mean you will lose the partner or they will cheat, quite the opposite, you can lose me if I do not have enough alone time. Someone in my presence needing from me too much, day in, day out feels like they are taking my life force away. 😟. I need to be free to think my thoughts and go within.
I feel exactly the same.
Can't stand someone suffocating me.
I finished with a guy who was way too needy.
Over the top needy.
Couldn't stand it.
And can I say, trying to own someone and not giving them their space means they don't know what love is.
Love is not about gripping on to someone all the time.
That is not love!!!!
More space is better huh ?
Love is about keeping communication open and not disappearing. You can give each other some space but there needs to be a healthy balance that both partners are comfortable with else one will end up leaving the other. Its not only about the one who needs space and its not only about the one who doesn't need space. It's about both of you adapting to each others needs.
As someone who got married well into my late 40s and having been with my wife now for 6+ years, I've sometimes struggled to explain this to my wife for fear of having her think that I don't enjoy spending time with her.
Remind her that you always feel excited upon greeting her and you don’t want to lose that excitement
Maybe share this video with her? Communication is key and very important. So if you feel you need space and time explain it to her by showing her this video. ❤️
Same with my partner. My partner has an anxious attachment style. I wish he would just preoccupy himself more, and give me more breathing room.
Tell her exactly what you wrote here.
Have you told her?!
I think we all need our space but I think we need to keep being in contact, I mean, at least some messages to know we are okay and thinking of the other person, at least for me
I agree..
freedom changes in a relationship when you have economic independence
@@Alpha-Andromeda she’s gives a foundation
The last part is so true. Watch how people relate to others when they’re being so super nice to you.
Thank you for tuning in 🧡
That last part about bringing your partner to other people to see how interact with them...some people act differently publicly than with their partner. My father for example would be super friendly with other people but completely different at home when he with us.
I finished a relationship with a man who was just too needy and didn't like me having my own space and doing the things I liked doing.
Too clingy and not wanting to go and do his own thing also.
He was too much, suffocatingly so.
I finished it.
I think because he loves you. He's just clingy with you, with his lady not with others. Ya he should give you space n work on himself too... but was really breakup the option....U could have make him understand or maybe he wants constant reassurances that u're not going anywhere. Okay Idk what u went through but I just shared my opinion. Don't mind
I get it. I feel so overwhelmed and he has no friends. He uses me as his crutch. After work it's wants needs do do do. At work it's wants needs do do. I want peace. I requested thirty minutes after I get off work of alone time and the ability to take a baths by myself. That was too much. He hates my friends and does not like them to come over but doesn't like me to leave. It is suffocating. At this point I am just shutting down and overwhelmed mentally to wear its affecting me physically. You can love them and know they are a good person but they're destroying you inside.
Esther is dropping some gems here. Equity vs Equality in relationships.
Relationships are too much work, just be happy with yourself and live the life that you want.
I agree.
Be content within yourself.
You shouldn't have to work and worry that hard about a relationship.
If its not working ,just give it up.
There's more to life, you can be happy on your own.
This is horrible advice
Who said too much work isn't worth or fun? Take the easy path, that's a good value man
How many coupes these days are mature and disciplined enough to accomplish this? Wish there were more people like her coaching couples.
I love the way she explains things.
Women also need space and alone time. And moments in silence without physical contact. But then the husband thinks she's cold and that is not a trait of women..
Yes, I always hate that the "need for space" is seen as solely as a male prerogative. If a woman desires it then she gets criticised. Because women are always meant to be emotionally and physically available to others.
I agree..
It seems that communication of ones needs and understanding from the other is whats important
Just communicate! "sorry honey I feel overwhelmed, I need my space", "Sorry Honey I need time to think". If someone loves you they will understand!
@@drrd4127 fr
My husband and I have our "me time" which we can invoke anytime, anywhere, at any circumstance and we respect each other's nees for space. My husband is introverted and he needs some time to himself.
Indeed this is an awesome interview. I love the part that you should invite one another into each other's circle so you get to learn things about each other. Thanks for the video
this woman will save my relationship
I am such a huge fan of her.
Her insight and the ability to unfold her deep thoughts!!!!it.s beautifully spoken. Core penetrating truth😍
💯
About 4 minutes and she starts talking about what real love looks like and what's just a fairy tale or commonly misunderstood. I think that needs talked about a lot more because as someone who's never really seen what real love looks like. I have all of these limiting beliefs or fake idea of fairy tale love. So when I get in relationships even if it's potentially healthy not only does the peace feel like something's wrong because I'm used to chaos but it's also that I have this false perception of love. And when it starts to run out or what it feels like the newness is going away that they're bored of me or I guess it's just constantly scanning the room for different energy. Expecting a moment of abandonment or something it's so hard to explain because I'm not even sure how I feel about it myself. I'm not sure if I feel fear of abandonment or just not being able to entertain someone for the rest of my life. Even though a relationships not really about entertaining someone all the time it's just the best way I know how to explain what I'm trying to say.
I love how she talks about dating.
Th way you feel comes from the fact that in presence of others you are unable to feel yourself or your partner. That creates insecurities. Start working on feeling yourself first independently from your partner. Practice breathing and being present in the moment in the things you do. That helps a lot. On a bigger consciousness level then work on talking to yourself about what matters and what doesn’t so that when in this kind of situation where insecurities arise you can talk yourself into what’s real and what is imagination. All spoken from real experience. We can feel real love and get past childhood trauma but it’s a lot of work
@@babyamom2004 Thank you! 💕
Me
Well articulated
as i became more self aware and understood better my needs, i became way better at communicating those, and i love how I can tell him easily i need some space today, or ask him if he would love some space,... safe space is such an underrated thing for real, same as he s very good in giving me space to express my feelings and emotions, he doesn t want to solve he just grants me space to voice them, so i can hear myself and selfreflect on the things i said,...
For me personally it has been the thing i was lacking in any other relationship,... i feel so blessed with this and express my gratitude each time he holds space for me,... it made me such a better communicator, and listener (I wasn t always very good at that) yet he set that example, and as i loved it so much i followed his lead,...🙏
💞
Thanks a lot Lewis for doing these interviews.
I am moving on from a relationship, after being ghosted for months, after he lost his parents.
I learnt a lot from this conversation, tremendously helped me evaluate where I made the mistakes, understand the dynamics better and what I need to go in my next relationship which hopefully I will have some day.
Thank you again for bringing this to us!
I don't think beleiveing you were at fault is a good way to see a relationship. I also tend to do that, it is important for people to communicate. leaving you ghosted is no way someone treats you. You deserve better, maybe not answers from your ex. But you deserve better! much love
@@suri4Musiq thank you. I agree with this
Love when Esther opened up 🙏🏻
I’ve been trying to figure out how to have this conversation with my wife. I’ve touched on it briefly but didn’t go in much detail. However, I know that I’m the one in our marriage, who needs the most space. We both work remote and she loves it. I don’t like it as much because I enjoy being out and it makes me feel more productive with my day. Also, I’m more reserved and introverted and need space and time to re-energize myself, but my wife is talkative and very bubbly and loves attention.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I prefer to have more silence during work hours. Having space and time away from each other is healthy, I believe. I think it would allow us to miss each other more and look forward to coming back together.
As a man who more resembles your wife than you, I can agree that it can be distracting. All those of us like your wife ask is that you let us know that you're thinking of us. We want to feel desired and wanted in a relationship. All of this space and silence makes us scared of you abandoning us. We ENJOY your company. We LIKE your company. We don't need anything else. Sure, we have hobbies and interests that may not align with yours, but it's not about that. We've been rejected and abandoned so much that it's more terrifying than being burned alive to us. It's hard for us to trust. We really do try to trust, I promise. But it's just hard to verbalize how we feel. The fear of abandonment or rejection is much more difficult to verabalize in a metaphor than the fear of suffocation. You can use a metaphor for suffocation. Being tied down with no escape. Being held under water. Having a pillow held on your face. It's quite easy to get that across. It's much more difficult for us to symbolize our fear of abandonment and rejection.
Did you ever have that talk with her? Lol. I'm in the same position as well and it's definitely a hard conversation to bring up out of the blue.
@@PhilRuybalget a job outside of the house or move out.
I love Esther's work. So immensely helpful for me and my relationship
Glad you enjoyed it! Means a lot!!!
She’s incredibly good…100% wonderful
👍
So good! Thank you both for this conversation.
Minutes into this video her wisdom has washed away some of my ignorance in regards to " space" in a relationship
Thank you for being here!
Same with me..
"we learn about people in social situation.
we learn about people by seeing how they relate to other people; and that is a more precise piece of information than 'how long should we date'.
how they treat the cab driver, the waiter, the homeless person, the police, everybody. while they try to be super nice to you. "
🔥
My stupid ass thought I was special because she was rude to all of them but not me...
So much of this resonates with me ❤❤❤ so much wisdom that takes years to realize.
Glad you enjoyed it! Means a lot!!!
Couples in general need space to do what they want. I'm just as happy on my own.
It is so tasty to listen to mindful and wise conversation...
Thank you.
You're welcome,thank you for being here 🧡
When there's a argument, one wants to talk and end it the night itself... while the other wants time to process n go to sleep. Yes it's not that too big fight that can't be resolved... so one wants to talk n end it while the other thinks its not that too big till morning everything will be fine... and when the person goes to sleep, the other one feels abandoned. The person feels like he/she did a huge mistake so the partner wants to escape n go to sleep... I think they should find a balance that works for both of them. I'm not saying they should both change their ways, everyone has different ways to process anger/upsetness. It's just no one should feel ignored n unwanted while one person asks fot space
"we learn about people not in a vacuum". preach! YES!
It's like food and drink. You need both, but how much of each, that you should figure out for yourself.
And then maybe do some silencing by intermediate fasting to get a taste, a passion for it again :)
Meeting someone who is a fan of Esther Penel is already a good tips that your relationship will go well.
🧡
This is what we are doing -always
From every google, websites and Instagram. I learn about space from introvert, ambivert and especially avoidant. Space we need for 1 to 3 weeks for us recharge as introvert/ambivert and I’ve listened to my friends that she needed for space, I’d hope she reached out; she is very important to me and I want to rephrase that I said she was distance away.
This is gold! Thank you!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Genius lady. I love her
So wise. Thank you.
If I knew this when I was a teen I would have not been through an abusive relationship or any relationship I've had until now. Now I'm trying to have my own time and this men is confused cannot understand why I can be alone and not needy as before.
I love the dynamic change. I’m from South Africa and my fiancé is from Bulgaria, both countries have a culture where women and men serve specific different rolls in a marriage. I love the evolution of this equality. Yes sure, my fiancé does more work around the house and I do heavy lifting chores outside and around the house but we are equal.
🇿🇦
Esther is absolutely amazing ❤️🙏🏼🌷
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I feel I probably lost my future wife because i thought her needing “space “ was her trying to mess around .. but lack of communication between us kinda put unnecessary false thoughts in my head. Slipping in and out of depression because she just doesn’t talk to me anymore… but I’ll be ok…
She probably was…..
Have you look into attachment theory?
have you managed to talk to a psychologist or psychologist councellor? I reccomend
Update I’m just been focusing on myself literally don’t talk anymore and I just don’t care anymore life went on .
@@danaponte00 Bro.. anytime a woman says she needs space means she’s either dealing with another man or wants to make it appear to the world (other you) she’s available to date.. you have start dating again and find someone better
I'm your new fan Esther. You are so wise, And what you say has sense and it works .
🙌
She’s so good
She"s a Belgian after all.
I need this woman's books. She is awesome, very eye opening.❤️
🧡
Thank you for the insight into your own world, that helps me trust you and your wisdom even more.
Thank you for watching🧡
This lady's a gold mine.
Are there any videos like this but from the other side of the relationship style? I feel like we're always taught "give your partner space" but never the opposite
Very thoughful n growth enhancing conversation. Need for
Independence n togatherness in the relationship varies from time to time n depending on many other factors. Relations perish or suffocate when one person become exceedingly independent or dependent.
Glad you enjoyed it!
I wish my husband could truly understand the concept of space. He doesn't seem to understand the concept of regular 'me time' when I don't even need him to be around.
insecure men, asure him love
She is so good yooo
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I’m just like you! I’m happy to not be needy in a relationship! And I don’t want anyone to be needy of me. Doesn’t mean I don’t have love for the person; I love me first!
One other thing. Being friends first is important. All my friends on their second marriage are doing well because they became friends first.
Narcissistic if you are Me. Space is needed in any relationship but you sound as if you are in a relationship alone, and you will TAKE time off regardless cos YOU want it
Pleaser don't date
So good!👌🏿
This is such a good conversation.
Thanks!
Love u as a human been Lewis❤
Just started to discover Esther, she has a lot to say that makes complete sense.
No matter how many times you twist and turn, the fact is marriage needs two people, and no 2 people can have the same values, same commitment, same levels of tolerance. A marraige is designed to failed from the get go, even if it survives, its a compromise. Never on the same level, unless a person marries himself, he can never be sure when he went wrong it the whole thing.
I'm good at giving space 😌 too good
This was excellent.
Thank you so much!😊
There are times for: family.., friends, husband/wife, and just for US..., alone !!!
Thanks!
You're welcome, thank you for tuning in 🧡
True
Love her.
🧡
She is so nice and wise
👍
Oh my partner said the same line , I have my work too darling, and I'm like omg who's gonna help me approve my writings...same story :)
Beautiful indeed🤌
Having this issue with my wife as well newly weds and she is very clingy. We do have separate times when at work and of course when we're off we spend time but the problem she feel she can't sleep without me, she like to sleep early cuz she work far and has to be at work 5am but she will refuse to sleep because I'm not there. The intimacy, I love my wife. I love spending time with her but I also like space and she feel the work time away should be enough it's tough ...
Wish i had a girl that clung to me
I guess as a woman she needs lots of assurance that you are there for her. And in this extreme case, she needs therapy. Maybe a pair therapy, so she doesn't feel accused. It's not healthy and it won't get better if your life continues like that. You will feel cramped and that's not good for any relationship. I'm also an anxious relationship type, but not so extreme. My husband and I have 2-3 days when he sleeps early, because he likes to stay up late and me I go early to bed... So we made a compromise 😊
Also she needs hobbies and activities with other persons... family, friends etc.
Anxious personality disorder
Just follow 38 Special's Theam song ..."Hold on Loosely"
Hmmm… am I the only one who’s thinking: “Let her speak?”😒😞
Yes
Very interesting
Thank you for being here 🧡
Not any more. I will keep my mouth shut, you are the man, you decide. Love you, sweety. ❤
"Hold on loosely, but don't let go." Okay, but if you don't engage for too long, forget about having a relationship.
38 Special song….never let your partner out of sight. You might get the accusation of not caring.
Love is a transition, marriage is a commitment.
I am a big fan
Thank you!
the link for full interview is not working !!!
What about if the person you are with is too nice to people sends the wrong signals, it makes you uncomfortable and people react not as they claim they intend for them to react?
What is a good way of doing this when you have kids?
Nice video
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Space? Um nebenbei Affären zu haben?
Das ist doch die Frage?
Man muss erst wissen wie sie sich eine Beziehung vorstellt, damit man entscheiden kann worauf man sich einlässt.
I have a question 🙋🏽♀️ if you and your partner have been living with each other and have been sleeping in the same room, but lately been having issues in the relationship and now you’re sleeping in different rooms how do you be okay with going from laying together in our room to sleeping in separate rooms… they kiss you then says go sleep in the other room I want my privacy and I don’t want to blur the lines… isn’t kissing me if we aren’t together blurring the lines…
Going through the same thing without the kisses, she goes to sleep on the coach because it’s more “firm”
The more distant they act the more I realize I don’t want them……
Wow
Can the betrayed spouse feel like the dumpe because she just had to react after you "decided" to dump her by being unfaithful?
Yes, she was waiting for an excuse. Leave her asap
Infact both need same kind of space
We are very different, i need my space, Like beeing alone with my self, Like living apart. My Partner wants to live together, want to be all time together. And that ist Not good ....
This is difficult for me, and always thought that I am not loved, I need help
Same here
Where is the full interview
Have a look here: lewishowes.com/podcast
The space your partner seeks is located in another apartement.
Hi, can anyone please help me to understand some things like…it’s healthy to give my partner space and keep it silent, but keep it alive? Please tell me how?
She tells you how, just listen again 👍
If there's been infidelity how do you trust being giving that space to your partner?
Divorce them and they can have permanent space
@@wyleecoyotee4252 🎉🎉🎉🎉
they don't deserve space
@misst8771 I wouldn't be with that person at all I'd never trust that person that way again
Relationships Jessica till
Yes, it could time she needs, or time to cheat on you. Ignoring someone for days is not love.
Also finding your role is important.
A lot of women fall into the trap of adopting the mother role. These relationships tend to not work out.
You are supposed to be his girlfriend/wife/partner not his mom.
Constantly telling him what to do isn't helpful. Instead of that you should encourage him to take responsibility. If you treat your man like a child he will act like one and be content with an easier style of life rather than taking responsibility and improve himself.
what if i don’t have a friend group
Get a job
My wife needs space to heal and I'm failing cause I'm losing her such a paradox