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Heidi you saved me so much emotional pain in relationships by having me look inward. So much of what I thought was ‘unfixable’ was because I was unwilling to do the work to look at myself. You are a principal voice for so many people and a critical one at times for me. I have a happy healthy relationship because I applied the principles of self care and self evaluation you taught. Thanks Heidi!
@@heidipriebe1truly. I had a heartbreaking relationship betrayal a couple days ago and have been in a sea of agony but also having meta feelings that I “should not be feeling THIS hurt” “what is wrong with me that I’m so hurt” that my reaction is wrong. This is helping me soooooo much to understand myself. I will rewatch everyday this week. Heidi, your insight and understanding is unmatched and literally have immediate impact on me. Thank you so so so much 🥹
Heidi, can you have a video addressing the topic of friendships? I think it’s an area seriously neglected when it comes to cptsd and attachment wounds. Romantic relationships usually cause the most pain but I think it’s the lack of skills in cultivating healthy friendships that make the suffering worse and repetitive. How to find friends, be open to the right people, setting expectations right and practicing boundaries and vulnerabilities healthily are all important but I can’t find materials on cptsd-informed strategy for building healthy social support
Kinda explains why my parents act the way they do. They just shove everything down and it comes out in random angry outbursts they claim they never had
❤👍🏻"When we avoid pain, we accidentally stay connected to a form of hope that no longer exists in reality. When we sit with that pain, we're being present with what reality actually looks like at the moment. It allows us to let go of what's already gone, and frees us up to reengage with new types of hope, possibility, and opportunity that do exist within the present. We don't have to be the people who live in the past, we can be the people who move through the darkest moments of our life with our eyes open, who learn and integrate what those moments and experiences have to teach us. We look for new opportunities that would be more fitting for the person we are now, because pain changes us, the only choice that we get is how it changes us."
Choice depends on capacity. One can't choose to feel something which one does not have the capacity to metabolize.Trying just perpetuates the original trauma (which was also a capacity problem). Don't shame yourself for not being able to be present with the pain. Instead, try to build capacity in your central nervous system. Not intellectual capacity or the ability to understand the pain, but the ability to sense and feel the reality of your own experience IN YOUR BODY. The metabolizing will come naturally and will grow in proportion to your capacity.
@@donermann6617I've found it to come with "working out". Not the sort of fitness routines that are aimed at getting a "beach body" or "killer delts" but the sort that's meant to help you functionally use your body. I was nearly wheelchair bound two years ago, and through learning how to walk properly and breathe deeply, I've noticed a vast increase in my ability to both understand my emotional signals and also to work with them, instead of suppressing them. The emotional system is part of the immune system is part of the body system. When you can't metabolize emotions, they eat away at your physical health. I'll never recommend yoga, as it's unsafe for people like me (EDS), but maybe try some qi gong or tai chi. Purposefully synching your movements and breaths. As obnoxious as it feels sometimes, those diaphragmatic/deep breathing exercises really do help me with emotional regulation and digestion
This is real… I didn’t understand why I wasn’t able to process certain emotions even tho I was “trying” to. Now I realize I was lacking capacity, my body was lacking proper nutrition. Supplementing with minerals and vitamins (like magnesium, potassium, copper, zinc, vit c, vit d, etc..) really has been helping me get to this place where my body has the energy to process more complex emotions.
I would love more examples of what metabolizing pain can look like. The example of drawing "what does the pain look like today" was something I'd never come up with by myself. I know it looks different for everyone, but maybe having a list of different suggested "metabolizing" exercises from different authors could be its own video? Just to give us a bunch of techniques to experiment with. I tend to stick to journaling, and sometimes it's amazing, other times I get stuck in raging victim mode, retelling past injustices to myself as if, by figuring them out CSI-style, I can undo the past. Staying present is a full-time job fr 😭 Seriously incredible video Heidi, thank you! I took like 3 hours to watch, pause, rewind, take notes and digest it. You're adding so much clarity and hope to so many lives ❤
I’ve been a massage therapist for over 25 years. When people come and see me for care I try to offer the perspective that pain is an opportunity to learn how to take better care of our body. I find that if can they see the pain in this way, they start to feel better and less anxious about being in pain. It makes sense that it would apply emotionally as well. ❤
I've been distracting myself lately, doom scrolling, sleeping really late. I know I've been trying to avoid the feelings associated with my mother's death 8 months ago. I've been trying to make myself cry, so I could get it out and move on for now. I was listening to songs and squeezed out a couple tears, then I put this video on and the things you spoke about connected directly to everything I was going through and I immediately started bawling. Thank you for helping me and everyone of your watchers understand themselves better.
I did the exercise and was so surprise to notice that the pain was gone in 1 minute! It works. It's the fear that keeps me stuck, not the pain. The pain is the only way out of fear.
It dawns on me as I watch this the second time, the diagram is perfectly describing a dysfunctional family system. This is how everyone offloads their pain onto the scapegoat!
I had a list of things I was planning on talking to my therapist today, but watched this right before my session, and whew... It guided my session in a different direction this week. I feel so called out (in a good way) by the path of Avoiding pain -> Repression -> Trying to fix it in others. That right there describes exactly what happened in both my marriage, and in the last relationship I tried to have with someone. I even wrote in my journal last month, "At the end of it all, I realized that I saw in him all of my own wounds and insecurities, and wanted to love him the way that I needed to learn to love myself." Seeing that this pattern is pretty much textbook is really validating and helping me give myself some compassion.
"Pain changes us. The only choice we get is HOW it changes us." Wow! I had to stop the video to write that down, so well said, and so true! Your recent videos have been amazing and this one is no exception by far! They feed right into questions I've been having, and now I have the hopeful and almost delighted outlook of getting to explore more of my full range of experience instead of avoiding it - I've been doing grief work for years now, but your self-intimacy video made me realise that I had always done so with a mindset of "okay, yes, express the pain so that we can make it into peace and pride, come on, change already". The thought of befriending and learning to spend time with my pain, my disgust, my hatred, my humiliation - it's a mind-blowing one, and I'm sure this will greatly expand and improve my experience of life in general. Ramble aside: great, well-written videos, succinct, compassionate and deeply insightful. Thanks
Thank you Heidi - this is why I couldn't maintain healthy relationships before my CPTSD was treated using EMDR - I was overflowing with unprocessed fear and anger from things that happened when I was a helpless kid. Now I've processed most of it, I can finally maintain relationships that aren't with abusive people. Yay! Nothing helped me process the past emotions before I did EMDR. Journalling, mentalising, meditation, exercising, etc. - none of it worked for me until AFTER I did EMDR. Now it works. It was so frustrating for years because I was being told to do all of these things that did not work for me because I had untreated CPTSD.
I'm so glad that it worked for you. EMDR deeply retraumatized me. For some of us, especially those of us who are dissociative (not necessarily DID!), parts ego/states are in the way and that needs to be addressed. Not all therapists are skilled at this or even recognize it.
Can one do EMDR on their own? It's those exercises with the eye movement right? Like remember a painful memory and follow the moving dot... Or is there more to it?
EMDR is working for my CPTSD as well, but with the addition of Internal Family Systems to help bring structure and more understanding to my warring parts, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy has helped me detach from negative thought spirals that have kept me depressed. Wishing luck and sending love out there to all my fellow strugglers..
@@Niki-gi2dn I also like working with EMDR and IFS I am curious how you found the support therapy for these? My therapist does not have a real deep knowledge and is only trained in EMDR to a degree.
I think this is one of the most important, if not the most important and all-encompassing video you ever made. Somebody might not know about attachment, healing inner child, intimacy, or any other classification of trauma, do what you suggested and intentionally or unintentionally arrive at the goal of all of them. Just by being present with past and present pain. Thank you.
EVENTUALLY ONE RUNS OUT OF SUPERLATIVES, HEIDI! But, again, great video. The addition of graphics makes your already-crystal clear videos even more easy to understand. Thank you.
Gosh your diagrams are always so helpful. Thank you for including them in your videos! Kind of crazy to follow the Avoidance pathlines and be able to literally name my past failed relationships through each branch 😂 that's why we're here though, to learn how not to make those mistakes again. I think many people may have grown up toxically shamed for their pain - a lot of "suck it up already" or "why are you still hung up on this?". It's definitely been a struggle to learn how to make time for my (what feels insurmountable and unending) pain without feeling some level of impatience, shame, or frustration. If I look inside and ask myself how long it will take to process the pain, right now the truest answer is "I don't know, it might take forever," and I'm learning that that's okay. Even therapy I apologize profusely to my therapist all the time for struggling, for being irrational and emotional, and for "not getting over" my various traumas fast enough 😂but there's no rushing healing. I'm learning right now that my inner child deserves that long-term patience, the way it was never provided for me.
I have the same anxiety, often engaging with pain feels futile because it doesn't seem to end. My therapist gave me a bit of reassurance about this, she said some people just have a backlog we are working through. Personally, I also comfort myself that it doesn't all have to be fixed for us to feel better day to day. Getting a bit of relief from old pain can make a big difference to your quality of life. And on the sense of impatience, remember our emotional selves, the inner child, doesn't have a linear sense of time. To the inner child, if the pain lasts 60 seconds, it may as well be infinite. It's okay to recruit the logical side, my inner caring parent, for comfort too. I ask myself, "if I journal about this every day, can I reasonably expect to be exactly this upset about the topic 5 years from now? After processing it in 1,825 journaling sessions?" And that can give me some hope. And logically (I tell myself) there cannot be endless emotional pain, because we hold pain in our bodies, and holding infinite pain is as impossible as having an infinite amount of water in a human body. So there has to be an end point. Heidi mentions in another video that people who repress the urge to cry will never have the healing experience of coming out the other side of a good, hard cry - that fearful avoidant belief that "if I start crying I'll never stop" is physically proven untrue, and that is a healing experience in itself. Trusting that the process of crying will resolve itself is something builds from experience. So the more you allow yourself to metabolize pain, the more you'll see the process working, and the less fear and resistance you'll feel going forward. Hopefully 😊 Patience is a big way to show our inner child some love. Take your time, you deserve it.
“By simply acknowledging to myself, very intentionally, that I was in pain.. it was like it boiled the experience down to only the pain, as opposed to all of the things surrounding it..” 17:23
In this last year, I’ve gone through a divorce and reintroduction to dating. In that, I stumbled across attachment style stuff. This channel has been a huge help to me. What I found is that I distract myself from my emotions and use my interpersonal relationships to help regulate my self. Practicing mindfulness made me realize that I deal with a persistent feeling of pain. Almost like how it feels when someone hurts your feelings. I’ve been wondering what to do with that pain now that I’ve found it - and this video gives a really helpful perspective on how to approach it. Thank you!
Hi , THANK YOU for sharing!, attachment style REALLY helped me after during separation/ divorced too !! Definitely life changing !! 😮 She's had WAYS of describing things SO wonderfully!! 😼
I was in tears for the first half of the video. It rang so true to me. I've been barely living the past couple months, it all built until I couldn't cope anymore. I've been so angry as well, more angry than I've ever been in my life. I need to deal with this pain so I don't become someone I would never want to be. Thank you for this video.
Thank you for this timely video. I lost my daughter last Thanksgiving. I'm going to use this to start a conversation with my partner to help us get some of these confusing emotions out into the open. You're right, pain does tell a story. 🌹
I'm so sorry that you lost your daughter. I'll pray that you can find the support, answers, and comfort that you need to experience healing on your journey.❤🙏🏼🌹
Such a profound message - I've spent my life running away from pain through overeating and video games and I've dumped pain on my wife, while simultaneously saviouring her from her pain. Your videos helped me deal with pain, but this one is pure distilled wisdom.
The way you phrase things is magical. I cried during the video because I acknowledged my pain. Congrats on the immense growth of your channel! Please keep going! ❤
Naming the pain really helps. Grew up with a lot of C-PTSD, found my favorite band early because their song lyrics spoke of pain and allowed for catharsis. Your testimony of calling pain out is important.
So I remember in a previous video you mentioned about going "no contact" when becoming un-entangled from a romantic relationship between a fearful avoidant (me) and an anxious avoidant, and you said it would be one of the hardest things we ever could do and we should allow at least 6 months to pass without contact. So when you mentioned 6 months again in this video, that that would be the length of time to sit with grief, I am here to tell you you were right on both counts. Yes! It was the hardest thing I ever did, and yes, it took about 6 months to sit with and metabolize the grief of the break-up, even though I knew it was the best thing for both of us. It was even harder because at the time of the break up, this person had just moved 5 minutes away from where I was living and was practically a neighbor! So, girlfriend, good job on the time estimate. I am SO glad I was able to reach that 6 month mark.
Wow. Thank you Heidi! Recently I’ve noticed that I keep shutting down or going a little ‘cold’ when dating someone, thinking “I’m just putting forward my boundaries”. Boundaries are great, absolutely - but a recent event made me think, what if I’m just being triggered? What if my abandonment wounds are trying to ‘protect’ me over the smallest signs of someone not being interested in dating me. Look inwards, always. When your heart is pounding and you want to run/cry, take a step away to process this and look inwards. Thank you again ❤
Pema Chodron has been my biggest mentor since 2013, when I first read Don't Bite The Hook. Thank you for expounding on ways to sit with that soft, tender spot inside.
Thank you so much. This video comes right in time for me. This also should be taught in schools and get to people by all kinds of channels. It has political impact: People who are unable to deal with their own pain often tend to externalize it by getting angry at politicians (who don't rescue them), by feeling hate towards people with different opinions, by blaming whole groups of people for all kinds of problems. Unattended pain can destroy societies.
Thank you heidi! Insightful and well-prepared content! You reminded me of a part of Arabic poem that says: Hope.. Oh friend, the summit of despair is hope Feel the pain a little, feel it a lot Feel the pain because hope itself is painful .. when it's the only thing left
People who vent their problems to me I call venting machines. But seriously i really connected to this video. A practice that helps me is to also sit with the pain and get out of my head and into my body being in tune with the sensations as much as possible.
Thank you for offering clarity on this topic. I spent decades not properly acknowledging or processing pain and fear, and not understanding why I toxicly unloaded on others. It's obvious to me now that I learned the pattern from my parents, but deconstructing the mechanism gives me a realistic HOPE to do better as Me 2.0 ❤❤❤
Oh Lord! I'm so happy to get this notification, but I'm still recovering from the last one lol. 😂 Heidi, you're changing lives, one growing pain at a time. As you said, healing hurts!
Your videos have tremendously transformed my life and gave me a direction in life. I have been watching your videos for half a year now. I learned so much and it has been one of the best things I did in my life. Things that I have learned from you: Attachment style, toxic shame, inner child and reparenting, shadow work, emotions, CPTSD, limerance, meeting needs, …. All these has made me understand myself a lot better and give me guidance on how to go about improving my life. You are honestly doing angel’s work and saving people like me. I’m super grateful that you are putting all these contents out there to help people. God bless you and hope you have a happy fulfilling life.
Whoa. I’m so grateful that I understand everything you are saying. I’m so amazed at my own literacy about this metabolic process that your amazing video is describing. However. Here’s what’s up. I’m currently observing my 85 year old mother at this moment who just lost her long-ill husband. She needs this. But…I don’t think I can be the boss of her. I can’t tell her anything. Maybe I can just nudge her, herd her like a cat, offer one insight at a time. Just be with her. Honestly. I do not know what I can do. I will try to try without trying. Pray for us.
Use the insights for yourself and just be with her while she is newly grieving. Maybe even tell her, "I'm going to sit and process my feelings for a minute" or just let her see you journaling around the house. Hopefully she will be gently influenced by your example. Does she see anyone for counseling or guidance? My 90 y/o grandma recently lost her husband and talks to people at church who can discuss and process the grief with her. It should not all fall on you. Take care and protect your own needs. 🖤
I have read a lot of books, been to therapy, had coaches, watched videos, done journaling, therapeutic art, yoga, meditation, prayer, breathwork retreats... everything is a piece of the puzzle but wow Heidi you put it together in a way that makes clear sense to those of us who are going through it. In a way that we know you've learned to heal and evolve yourself without speaking from that place hierarchically. Your videos are a treasure, and your mind is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
How do you have all the energy and the internal strength to do all this yourself and teach it. I admire you a lot. Thank you for every video, I am a huge fan.
Heidi, this video is here at such an opportune time for me. It made me cry (in a good way) I've been having a chronic pain flare-up and it has caused me to have a surge of EMOTIONAL pain because of it. So this video was so amazing for helping me move through both types of pain effectively. THank you
I do this through journaling when I spiral into toxic shame / abandonment after a trigger, trying to describe the physical feeling on paper while I could feel it. The more I have done it, the easier it has become to sit with the pain the next time. I have been able to directly reduce externalization and repression with this strategy, however it is neither an immediate fix nor the only way to help myself.
Your videos over the last week have been phenomenal, and so timely as I enter a new level of intimacy with someone I deeply care for. My pain reared it’s head last week, and I never felt so prepared to navigate that, while trusting my partner, as much as I do now with your shared insights. Thank you for doing what you do and giving of your knowledge so freely.
just started the video but this title is SO on point for my struggle right now. i understand that it is my responsibility to control my emotions and behavior, but i also know that i'm struggling with it. this i've been isolating because i know i would not healthily incorporate it into my relationships. it happens in seasons for me and i've ruined friendships when i stay available during these trying times emotionally
What if you get trapped in feeling way too much pain all the time? When I’m triggered I can’t stop crying on and off for days, totally dysregulated. I don’t wall off my feelings I am flooded with them. I use techniques for my nervous system but sometimes it just doesn’t work enough and the pain just goes on and on. Thanks for your videos Heidi, you’re the best!!!
I started off watching this video having no idea what you were talking about, I feel like I'm almost always in low level pain so how could I be avoiding it? But somehow, just listening, it all started to be clear especially when you started explaining about becoming an advocate and protector for your inner child. I'm watching so much about attachment theory and abandonment/fear or exclusion which is my biggest block and Heidi especially has been such a godsend! It occurred to me that generational trauma could also become generational healing when we realize that our ancestor spirits stay within us and only want to support us and help us understand, forgive, and find a better way, one that heals and is an improvement on the forms of love they were able to give us.
Damn, Heidi, you hit it out of the park again. Your presentations are so incredibly well thought out. I get so much insight and help out of them. Thank you so much for what you do!!!!
My dad died on my early twenties, this was the most emotional pain i ever felt, i survived bc i told myself "this is gonna hurt a lot and it's gonna hurt for the rest of your life, you don't need to rush to get over it bc you never will" and might seem harsh but it's the truth for me, i feel this grief everytime i see a father and daughter interacting in public, sometimes i even cry, not out of jealousy but reminiscing what it felt like. This grief made me feel resilient, now i know i can survive any emotional pain because I've already survived what seemed like unbearable to me
I absolutely appreciated this valuable information Heidi! Thank you. A visualization of the many different components of who we are being represented as children popped in my head. Adult me is the “parent” that is to help the children navigate what they’re feeling in a healthy way. To ignore or shame the “bad” kids and prioritize and praise the “good” ones is a recipe for disaster. ie I always let my little Joy come out to play and frolic to their leisure and encourage them but I consistently neglect my little Sadness. I never allow Sadness to express themselves or even ask adequate question to understand why they feel that way. I tell them to go sit in timeout without hearing them out. Another thing I failed to realize was that my little Joy & my little Sadness are actually linked…like twins. I thought keeping them separated was the right thing to do. Without little Sadness to accompany little Joy , they start to become less and less joyful. Both children begin to lose who they are naturally because adult me isn’t parenting them in a healthy way. These little children are all parts of me, and to further neglect them is to continue the cycle of a past of being emotionally neglected. I always knew that suppressing certain feelings and emotions will cause all to be either dysregulated or diminished. This helped put that more in perspective for me.
My relationship could be a case study for this. It's incredibly tragic. My partner was limerent and was rejected, and was not over it when we got together. His pain from that was walled off. He mistreated me in much the same ways he felt and I certainly felt all of that pain. I put up with a lot (way too much) because of my own attachment issues and past abuse. It's honestly something you couldn't even write and have it be believable, it's so tragic. He never validated or tried to work through any of what he or I went through for years. Still trying to work through my trauma 7+ years later.
Hello Heidi, your videos are super helpful to me. I'm grieving my moms passing but I'm unaware of the emotions I'm feeling… it's just like depression… lack of motivation and the inability to feel happiness and the occasional tearfulness about other things… I also blew up my relationship shortly before her death. I dream about her and in those dreams, I've gone from caring to rageful at her… telling her that she's dead and to let me have a life… I feel guilty when I wake up.. I was her primary caretaker for 5 years… she had cancer and it was very draining…
I'm so sorry for your loss and everything that led up to it. I have been caring for my mother with cancer for about the same time as you. It is so conflicting and painful and just awful. Something that has helped me is to realize I am very angry at the cancer, not at my mom. I also find it useful to write it all out to get my buried feelings flowing and processed. I wish you peace, rest, and relief soon. ❤
You might focus on forgiving your mother first...whatever she did to you, or the impressions she left, she was only human trying the best she could. Think about the attempts at loving you she made, and the difficulties she had to overcome in her life. Forgiving her likely needs to happen before you can work on your pain with support from this video. I had the same situation w/ my father who had a real dis-regulated temper. I was fortunate in that I forgave him before he passed. I did this by seeing that even though he handled things in an f'd up manner, he tried to the best of his abilities and my life was independent of his - I could make decisions on my own though he might have a different opinion. Once you forgive her, you can forgive yourself and then finally take on the pain that you can then metabolize. Reach out - I'm happy to provide further thoughts if you'd like.
Heidi thabk you so much. The last 5 minutes hit me so hard that i recorded it with my phone as a constant reminder to feel the pain to get out of staying in the past.
This Woman is gonna be on JRE or Fox or CNN and quick. Put the work in to Heal herself and shared that work with humanity. Heart Healing Diva Angel....and pretty too. Jeesh!
This was absolutely brilliant! The way you articulate your subject matter and give us the tools to work with is genius. It took me six years after the death of my husband to get to the stage of hope, and a few months there to finally see a new beginning of version 2.0. It is my desire to be there to help others in the future. Thank you!
I like the idea of drawing what the pain is like today. That way even avoidance can be less a source of shame and more an attempt to draw that we know won’t depict much, a leadless pencil we need to put down for one that shows up on the page. Thank you Heidi
Wow this video hit me at a great time and I unfortunately was committing all of the unloading stuff in the beginning for months but I recently started to work on this without realizing as I gave myself space to grieve and verbalize why I’m grieving
Pain from social injustice and inequity is a big problem for me. I feel the pain needs to be externalized in action. Resolving in ourselves only attempts to delay what will eventually comes back to attack again.
Omg this makes so much sense and I do it by journaling. I used to journal in a sort of clinical way, but once I started REALLY letting out exactly how I felt, even when it seemed cringey or pathetic, I realized it kinda just goes away.
14:21 When I feel myself getting activated and moving toward taking action to contain and control the badness I perceive in a situation, I will try to take the opposite action of becoming still and lean into the feelings of anger and grief. And it doesn’t have to be either-or but when I can approach the activating person or situation with less unprocessed anger and more equanimity and acceptance, I will have a greater shot at actually affecting change. This is the dialectical mindset I think. It is so counterintuitive but the more I can accept how angry (or insert any emotion) I feel about an issue, the more successful I am likely to be when or if I decide to try to change it. (I hope I am getting this right).
Heidi, I have never been so grateful for one single person or resource in my entire life than how grateful I am for you and your content. Your heart is SO pure for genuinely wanting to share your incredible wisdom with the world for FREE. The amount of value that you offer is unmatched. You have truly, and I mean this, saved my life by helping me to understand that the inner turmoil I've experienced for all of my life stems from my insecure attachment. I have never healed so much internally than I have over the last 4 months of watching you. From the absolute bottom of my heart thank you infinitely for being so dedicated to putting out such a large volume of the most highly valuable content there truly is. I TRULY hope you know that your reach is absolutely changing humanity. I will never stop referring my loved ones to your videos and I am crying as I write this to you. If you aren't able to read this, I pray that you are able to feel my gratitude through the web of our human interconnected here on this earth. You are an extremely special person and you have given me so much hope for my present and future. You've truly and honestly saved my life. Sending you infinite amounts of love 💖💖💖
Hey Hedi, I hope you'll soon write a book summarizing all you have been talking about the past couple years! I'd buy it in a heartbeat. Also, thank you.
Ouch. I know how it is with the knee, I had similar thing (fortunately not in the wilderness). The video in general is helpful as always, of course, but this was so surprisingly vivid. Twisting your kneecap wrong is one of the most weirdly disgusting common life experiences.
The way you are able to vocalize your interpretation experience and relationship with pain has helped me digest my own. Thank you. I now understand that there are feelings towards a feeling and that I need to start validating my own experience however icky it can be. Make dates with it. Name it. Let it flow. It's a lesson on the microcosm and that helps me to appreciate it and create space for it. Thank you so much. This was amazingly insightful.
Thank you for breaking everything down with the PowerPoint. Trying to figure out what I feel and how I'm expressing it is so hard bc I've never been shown how to process it. I'm 33 years old lol. Also wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the daily writing prompt. I experience ADHD so I like that I have something specific to accomplish. My niece is 17. She lost her mom to an overdose when she was 10 and lost her dad to overdose last August. Needless to say she has a ton of loss, grief and anger to process. I want to be there for her. I will be sharing your videos with her. I'm going to show her a few of my daily entries for "my pain today" Not sure if this is wrong bc even though I felt way better after naming the pain I naturally wanted to remind myself of objectively true things such as...wanting to swoop in and teach my niece an overwhelming amount of information in a short period of time before she possibly makes a drastic mistake is just me wanting to run away from my own pain and be her savior. I also reminded myself that playing a ROLE in my neices life is different than feeling responsible for her actions and feelings. Should I not acknowledge these objective truths bc it's taking me out of the "feeling my pain" space and into a "trying to fix the pain" mentality of reasoning my pain away?
Wow-I have always needed a good therapist, but never had the resources or even know what to look for, but thank god for you tube, in-spite of you looking like you could be my daughter, you have literally made lights turn on in this damaged brain…lol explaining things I have NEVER understood before. So thank you ❤. (I also am trying to read some of the books you reference. You are brilliant!)
Another wonderful piece of healing advice, thank you! Another profound teaching in the Buddhist tradition which is highly applicable is The Wheel of Sharp Weapons . Lots of English translation and commentaries out there.
This song came on this morning and I thought this is a perfect description of what I have gone through moving from a fearful avoidant towards a secure attachment style. The author(ess?) of this channel is an authority (please ignore the latex and leather overtones playing in my head! LMAO!) on attachment wounds and the healing path towards secure attachment. She happens to be a fearful avoidant herself. I would love to hear her weigh in on what she thought of this interpretation how it makes her feel, and what comes up for her as she considers this. I am calling her out on this one since she ends every one of these discussions by asking I quote, "Let me know in the comments any thoughts feelings perspectives you have coming up as you move through this." In all fairness, she never actually says she will respond or interact with her audience." LMAO! Also, I would like to hear her way in on the idea of using music, and song lyrics as a way of identifying what we going through in the present moment. The way of finding commonality in situational emotional pain is to tap into that communal shared experience of pain. I find fiction and non-fiction, poems, books, TV, movies, videos, and their stories help ease (metabolize) my pain. Even these videos are an expression of past, present, and future emotional pains that bring our shared painful experiences out of the shadows and guide us collectively as we ascend the peaks of our fears in a safe space. Son of Man Song by Phil Collins ua-cam.com/video/GtD-Lx6d-BE/v-deo.htmlsi=upcSiE14TmD-ZzJG Up! In strength there is power In the wise there is knowledge In time everything will come On the day that begins today You will seek a thousand answers You will climb the mountain You will reach the top Son of man seek and see May your soul be free Proud one day you will be Son of man, a man one day you will be There is no one to guide you Nor a hand to give you But with faith and understanding You will become a man Son of man seek and see May your soul be free Proud one day you will be Son of man, a man one day you will be Learn to teach By teaching you will learn Your life is with the one you love the most Today everything you dream about And in your imagination Here it is, it's time Make your dream come true Son of man seek and see May your soul be free Proud one day you will be Son of man, a man one day you will be Uh Uh, yeh-oh Uh, yeh-oh Uh, yeh-oh Man is Man is a man, that's going to be
Please Note: I do not have a telegram account and will not contact you privately for any reason. If someone reaches out to you based on a comment you have left claiming to be me, this is a fraudulent account.
Heidi you saved me so much emotional pain in relationships by having me look inward. So much of what I thought was ‘unfixable’ was because I was unwilling to do the work to look at myself. You are a principal voice for so many people and a critical one at times for me. I have a happy healthy relationship because I applied the principles of self care and self evaluation you taught. Thanks Heidi!
Inspiring ❤.
Thanks Heidi. You are very clear in your messages. So important not to avoid one's own pain. Critically important.
This is so nice tysm for sharing
Bro don't believe her this is BS and the way she explains it it the SOURCE of the problem.
@@ChuckNorris-lf6vo😂
Genuinely impressed by how disciplined Heidi Priebe is. Clear mesaaging delivered personally, without fluff or ego. Very rare in UA-cam land! Thanks!
🙏❤️
@@heidipriebe1truly. I had a heartbreaking relationship betrayal a couple days ago and have been in a sea of agony but also having meta feelings that I “should not be feeling THIS hurt” “what is wrong with me that I’m so hurt” that my reaction is wrong. This is helping me soooooo much to understand myself. I will rewatch everyday this week. Heidi, your insight and understanding is unmatched and literally have immediate impact on me. Thank you so so so much 🥹
Heidi, can you have a video addressing the topic of friendships? I think it’s an area seriously neglected when it comes to cptsd and attachment wounds. Romantic relationships usually cause the most pain but I think it’s the lack of skills in cultivating healthy friendships that make the suffering worse and repetitive. How to find friends, be open to the right people, setting expectations right and practicing boundaries and vulnerabilities healthily are all important but I can’t find materials on cptsd-informed strategy for building healthy social support
Crazy childhood fairy has a course for building connections especially for us with cptsd or post childhood stress disorder...
I completely agree.
Upvoting this, 100% agree
Yes! For me it was the end of a friendship that led me here and to attachment theory
Yes!!! That would be so helpful to hear Heidi talk about that
Kinda explains why my parents act the way they do. They just shove everything down and it comes out in random angry outbursts they claim they never had
7 minutes in, Heidi has explained the cause of all human dysfunction
"Stop trying to get other people to take our pain away"...this is such good advice and thank you for making this video.
Other people are PAIN. The problem is other people. Hell is other people.
❤👍🏻"When we avoid pain, we accidentally stay connected to a form of hope that no longer exists in reality. When we sit with that pain, we're being present with what reality actually looks like at the moment. It allows us to let go of what's already gone, and frees us up to reengage with new types of hope, possibility, and opportunity that do exist within the present.
We don't have to be the people who live in the past, we can be the people who move through the darkest moments of our life with our eyes open, who learn and integrate what those moments and experiences have to teach us. We look for new opportunities that would be more fitting for the person we are now, because pain changes us, the only choice that we get is how it changes us."
Choice depends on capacity. One can't choose to feel something which one does not have the capacity to metabolize.Trying just perpetuates the original trauma (which was also a capacity problem). Don't shame yourself for not being able to be present with the pain. Instead, try to build capacity in your central nervous system. Not intellectual capacity or the ability to understand the pain, but the ability to sense and feel the reality of your own experience IN YOUR BODY. The metabolizing will come naturally and will grow in proportion to your capacity.
I'm curious, how does one build this capacity?
Very wise point!
@@donermann6617I've found it to come with "working out". Not the sort of fitness routines that are aimed at getting a "beach body" or "killer delts" but the sort that's meant to help you functionally use your body. I was nearly wheelchair bound two years ago, and through learning how to walk properly and breathe deeply, I've noticed a vast increase in my ability to both understand my emotional signals and also to work with them, instead of suppressing them. The emotional system is part of the immune system is part of the body system. When you can't metabolize emotions, they eat away at your physical health.
I'll never recommend yoga, as it's unsafe for people like me (EDS), but maybe try some qi gong or tai chi. Purposefully synching your movements and breaths. As obnoxious as it feels sometimes, those diaphragmatic/deep breathing exercises really do help me with emotional regulation and digestion
@@donermann6617meditation can be extremely effective for this.
This is real… I didn’t understand why I wasn’t able to process certain emotions even tho I was “trying” to. Now I realize I was lacking capacity, my body was lacking proper nutrition. Supplementing with minerals and vitamins (like magnesium, potassium, copper, zinc, vit c, vit d, etc..) really has been helping me get to this place where my body has the energy to process more complex emotions.
I would love more examples of what metabolizing pain can look like. The example of drawing "what does the pain look like today" was something I'd never come up with by myself.
I know it looks different for everyone, but maybe having a list of different suggested "metabolizing" exercises from different authors could be its own video? Just to give us a bunch of techniques to experiment with.
I tend to stick to journaling, and sometimes it's amazing, other times I get stuck in raging victim mode, retelling past injustices to myself as if, by figuring them out CSI-style, I can undo the past. Staying present is a full-time job fr 😭
Seriously incredible video Heidi, thank you! I took like 3 hours to watch, pause, rewind, take notes and digest it. You're adding so much clarity and hope to so many lives ❤
I’ve been a massage therapist for over 25 years. When people come and see me for care I try to offer the perspective that pain is an opportunity to learn how to take better care of our body. I find that if can they see the pain in this way, they start to feel better and less anxious about being in pain. It makes sense that it would apply emotionally as well. ❤
I've been distracting myself lately, doom scrolling, sleeping really late. I know I've been trying to avoid the feelings associated with my mother's death 8 months ago. I've been trying to make myself cry, so I could get it out and move on for now. I was listening to songs and squeezed out a couple tears, then I put this video on and the things you spoke about connected directly to everything I was going through and I immediately started bawling. Thank you for helping me and everyone of your watchers understand themselves better.
I did the exercise and was so surprise to notice that the pain was gone in 1 minute! It works. It's the fear that keeps me stuck, not the pain. The pain is the only way out of fear.
It dawns on me as I watch this the second time, the diagram is perfectly describing a dysfunctional family system. This is how everyone offloads their pain onto the scapegoat!
I had a list of things I was planning on talking to my therapist today, but watched this right before my session, and whew... It guided my session in a different direction this week. I feel so called out (in a good way) by the path of Avoiding pain -> Repression -> Trying to fix it in others. That right there describes exactly what happened in both my marriage, and in the last relationship I tried to have with someone. I even wrote in my journal last month, "At the end of it all, I realized that I saw in him all of my own wounds and insecurities, and wanted to love him the way that I needed to learn to love myself." Seeing that this pattern is pretty much textbook is really validating and helping me give myself some compassion.
WOW that is totally me. Thank you for sharing.
Be compassionate for yourself!
Notification crew 🔔 ❤
🙋🏾♀️ here ! 😁
I like your user name , btw.. 😃
Priebies representin'😂
Here
11:27 This is so helpful. I will try to give my inner child protection, structure, and comfort and draw every night how this sadness and anger feels.
"Pain changes us. The only choice we get is HOW it changes us." Wow! I had to stop the video to write that down, so well said, and so true! Your recent videos have been amazing and this one is no exception by far! They feed right into questions I've been having, and now I have the hopeful and almost delighted outlook of getting to explore more of my full range of experience instead of avoiding it - I've been doing grief work for years now, but your self-intimacy video made me realise that I had always done so with a mindset of "okay, yes, express the pain so that we can make it into peace and pride, come on, change already". The thought of befriending and learning to spend time with my pain, my disgust, my hatred, my humiliation - it's a mind-blowing one, and I'm sure this will greatly expand and improve my experience of life in general.
Ramble aside: great, well-written videos, succinct, compassionate and deeply insightful. Thanks
Thank you Heidi - this is why I couldn't maintain healthy relationships before my CPTSD was treated using EMDR - I was overflowing with unprocessed fear and anger from things that happened when I was a helpless kid. Now I've processed most of it, I can finally maintain relationships that aren't with abusive people. Yay!
Nothing helped me process the past emotions before I did EMDR. Journalling, mentalising, meditation, exercising, etc. - none of it worked for me until AFTER I did EMDR. Now it works. It was so frustrating for years because I was being told to do all of these things that did not work for me because I had untreated CPTSD.
I'm so glad that it worked for you. EMDR deeply retraumatized me. For some of us, especially those of us who are dissociative (not necessarily DID!), parts ego/states are in the way and that needs to be addressed. Not all therapists are skilled at this or even recognize it.
Can one do EMDR on their own? It's those exercises with the eye movement right? Like remember a painful memory and follow the moving dot... Or is there more to it?
@@EyeOfTheTiger777 In theory yes, but I would not recommend that, from my experience
EMDR is working for my CPTSD as well, but with the addition of Internal Family Systems to help bring structure and more understanding to my warring parts, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy has helped me detach from negative thought spirals that have kept me depressed. Wishing luck and sending love out there to all my fellow strugglers..
@@Niki-gi2dn I also like working with EMDR and IFS I am curious how you found the support therapy for these? My therapist does not have a real deep knowledge and is only trained in EMDR to a degree.
I think this is one of the most important, if not the most important and all-encompassing video you ever made. Somebody might not know about attachment, healing inner child, intimacy, or any other classification of trauma, do what you suggested and intentionally or unintentionally arrive at the goal of all of them. Just by being present with past and present pain.
Thank you.
EVENTUALLY ONE RUNS OUT OF SUPERLATIVES, HEIDI!
But, again, great video. The addition of graphics makes your already-crystal clear videos even more easy to understand. Thank you.
Gosh your diagrams are always so helpful. Thank you for including them in your videos! Kind of crazy to follow the Avoidance pathlines and be able to literally name my past failed relationships through each branch 😂 that's why we're here though, to learn how not to make those mistakes again.
I think many people may have grown up toxically shamed for their pain - a lot of "suck it up already" or "why are you still hung up on this?". It's definitely been a struggle to learn how to make time for my (what feels insurmountable and unending) pain without feeling some level of impatience, shame, or frustration. If I look inside and ask myself how long it will take to process the pain, right now the truest answer is "I don't know, it might take forever," and I'm learning that that's okay. Even therapy I apologize profusely to my therapist all the time for struggling, for being irrational and emotional, and for "not getting over" my various traumas fast enough 😂but there's no rushing healing. I'm learning right now that my inner child deserves that long-term patience, the way it was never provided for me.
I have the same anxiety, often engaging with pain feels futile because it doesn't seem to end. My therapist gave me a bit of reassurance about this, she said some people just have a backlog we are working through.
Personally, I also comfort myself that it doesn't all have to be fixed for us to feel better day to day. Getting a bit of relief from old pain can make a big difference to your quality of life.
And on the sense of impatience, remember our emotional selves, the inner child, doesn't have a linear sense of time. To the inner child, if the pain lasts 60 seconds, it may as well be infinite. It's okay to recruit the logical side, my inner caring parent, for comfort too. I ask myself, "if I journal about this every day, can I reasonably expect to be exactly this upset about the topic 5 years from now? After processing it in 1,825 journaling sessions?" And that can give me some hope.
And logically (I tell myself) there cannot be endless emotional pain, because we hold pain in our bodies, and holding infinite pain is as impossible as having an infinite amount of water in a human body. So there has to be an end point. Heidi mentions in another video that people who repress the urge to cry will never have the healing experience of coming out the other side of a good, hard cry - that fearful avoidant belief that "if I start crying I'll never stop" is physically proven untrue, and that is a healing experience in itself. Trusting that the process of crying will resolve itself is something builds from experience. So the more you allow yourself to metabolize pain, the more you'll see the process working, and the less fear and resistance you'll feel going forward. Hopefully 😊
Patience is a big way to show our inner child some love. Take your time, you deserve it.
Heidi, just wanted to express how much I believe you’ve helped people with your videos, you’re making the world better.
“By simply acknowledging to myself, very intentionally, that I was in pain.. it was like it boiled the experience down to only the pain, as opposed to all of the things surrounding it..” 17:23
In this last year, I’ve gone through a divorce and reintroduction to dating. In that, I stumbled across attachment style stuff. This channel has been a huge help to me.
What I found is that I distract myself from my emotions and use my interpersonal relationships to help regulate my self.
Practicing mindfulness made me realize that I deal with a persistent feeling of pain. Almost like how it feels when someone hurts your feelings.
I’ve been wondering what to do with that pain now that I’ve found it - and this video gives a really helpful perspective on how to approach it.
Thank you!
Hi , THANK YOU for sharing!, attachment style REALLY helped me after during separation/ divorced too !!
Definitely life changing !! 😮
She's had WAYS of describing things SO wonderfully!!
😼
Stay on the journey and stay single…learn to love yourself first and learn to live your best life for a while
I was in tears for the first half of the video. It rang so true to me. I've been barely living the past couple months, it all built until I couldn't cope anymore. I've been so angry as well, more angry than I've ever been in my life. I need to deal with this pain so I don't become someone I would never want to be.
Thank you for this video.
Thank you for this timely video. I lost my daughter last Thanksgiving. I'm going to use this to start a conversation with my partner to help us get some of these confusing emotions out into the open. You're right, pain does tell a story. 🌹
I'm so sorry that you lost your daughter. I'll pray that you can find the support, answers, and comfort that you need to experience healing on your journey.❤🙏🏼🌹
Such a profound message - I've spent my life running away from pain through overeating and video games and I've dumped pain on my wife, while simultaneously saviouring her from her pain. Your videos helped me deal with pain, but this one is pure distilled wisdom.
The way you phrase things is magical. I cried during the video because I acknowledged my pain.
Congrats on the immense growth of your channel! Please keep going! ❤
Naming the pain really helps. Grew up with a lot of C-PTSD, found my favorite band early because their song lyrics spoke of pain and allowed for catharsis. Your testimony of calling pain out is important.
So I remember in a previous video you mentioned about going "no contact" when becoming un-entangled from a romantic relationship between a fearful avoidant (me) and an anxious avoidant, and you said it would be one of the hardest things we ever could do and we should allow at least 6 months to pass without contact. So when you mentioned 6 months again in this video, that that would be the length of time to sit with grief, I am here to tell you you were right on both counts. Yes! It was the hardest thing I ever did, and yes, it took about 6 months to sit with and metabolize the grief of the break-up, even though I knew it was the best thing for both of us. It was even harder because at the time of the break up, this person had just moved 5 minutes away from where I was living and was practically a neighbor! So, girlfriend, good job on the time estimate. I am SO glad I was able to reach that 6 month mark.
Wow. Thank you Heidi!
Recently I’ve noticed that I keep shutting down or going a little ‘cold’ when dating someone, thinking “I’m just putting forward my boundaries”. Boundaries are great, absolutely - but a recent event made me think, what if I’m just being triggered? What if my abandonment wounds are trying to ‘protect’ me over the smallest signs of someone not being interested in dating me.
Look inwards, always. When your heart is pounding and you want to run/cry, take a step away to process this and look inwards.
Thank you again ❤
Pema Chodron has been my biggest mentor since 2013, when I first read Don't Bite The Hook. Thank you for expounding on ways to sit with that soft, tender spot inside.
CANT BELIEVE that i got the notification 🔔 after healing process after a break up.
" going through grieving " a great phrase. .
She’s teaching presence. Beautiful.
Thank you so much. This video comes right in time for me. This also should be taught in schools and get to people by all kinds of channels. It has political impact: People who are unable to deal with their own pain often tend to externalize it by getting angry at politicians (who don't rescue them), by feeling hate towards people with different opinions, by blaming whole groups of people for all kinds of problems. Unattended pain can destroy societies.
Thank you heidi! Insightful and well-prepared content! You reminded me of a part of Arabic poem that says:
Hope..
Oh friend, the summit of despair is hope
Feel the pain a little, feel it a lot
Feel the pain because hope itself is painful
.. when it's the only thing left
People who vent their problems to me I call venting machines. But seriously i really connected to this video. A practice that helps me is to also sit with the pain and get out of my head and into my body being in tune with the sensations as much as possible.
Your ability to communicate your knowledge and lived wisdom is unparalleled Heidi. I feel appreciation for you and your work! ❤
I was mad at you until the "hope" part of the discussion. 😂
Thank you. You're helping so many people.
Thank you for offering clarity on this topic.
I spent decades not properly acknowledging or processing pain and fear, and not understanding why I toxicly unloaded on others.
It's obvious to me now that I learned the pattern from my parents, but deconstructing the mechanism gives me a realistic HOPE to do better as Me 2.0 ❤❤❤
Oh Lord! I'm so happy to get this notification, but I'm still recovering from the last one lol. 😂 Heidi, you're changing lives, one growing pain at a time. As you said, healing hurts!
Your videos have tremendously transformed my life and gave me a direction in life. I have been watching your videos for half a year now. I learned so much and it has been one of the best things I did in my life.
Things that I have learned from you: Attachment style, toxic shame, inner child and reparenting, shadow work, emotions, CPTSD, limerance, meeting needs, ….
All these has made me understand myself a lot better and give me guidance on how to go about improving my life.
You are honestly doing angel’s work and saving people like me. I’m super grateful that you are putting all these contents out there to help people. God bless you and hope you have a happy fulfilling life.
Whoa. I’m so grateful that I understand everything you are saying. I’m so amazed at my own literacy about this metabolic process that your amazing video is describing. However. Here’s what’s up. I’m currently observing my 85 year old mother at this moment who just lost her long-ill husband. She needs this. But…I don’t think I can be the boss of her. I can’t tell her anything. Maybe I can just nudge her, herd her like a cat, offer one insight at a time. Just be with her. Honestly. I do not know what I can do. I will try to try without trying. Pray for us.
Use the insights for yourself and just be with her while she is newly grieving. Maybe even tell her, "I'm going to sit and process my feelings for a minute" or just let her see you journaling around the house. Hopefully she will be gently influenced by your example. Does she see anyone for counseling or guidance? My 90 y/o grandma recently lost her husband and talks to people at church who can discuss and process the grief with her. It should not all fall on you. Take care and protect your own needs. 🖤
The best thing you can do is be present and aware of your own pain, and try to be present with her when you're together.
I have read a lot of books, been to therapy, had coaches, watched videos, done journaling, therapeutic art, yoga, meditation, prayer, breathwork retreats... everything is a piece of the puzzle but wow Heidi you put it together in a way that makes clear sense to those of us who are going through it. In a way that we know you've learned to heal and evolve yourself without speaking from that place hierarchically. Your videos are a treasure, and your mind is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
The journal idea that you shared about drawing your pain and how it looks today... will be doing this! Thank you for these lovely resources.
How do you have all the energy and the internal strength to do all this yourself and teach it. I admire you a lot. Thank you for every video, I am a huge fan.
This one coming right as I had a painful convo yesterday
This resonates with me so Strongly. Never being able to express myself had long lasting effects on how I dealt with relationships.
Heidi, this video is here at such an opportune time for me. It made me cry (in a good way) I've been having a chronic pain flare-up and it has caused me to have a surge of EMOTIONAL pain because of it. So this video was so amazing for helping me move through both types of pain effectively. THank you
A little dharma from the Priebster on a beautiful afternoon, I love it!
Got a little bit misty eyed at 13:47 visualizing myself saying this to inner child me, ngl 🥺
I do this through journaling when I spiral into toxic shame / abandonment after a trigger, trying to describe the physical feeling on paper while I could feel it.
The more I have done it, the easier it has become to sit with the pain the next time.
I have been able to directly reduce externalization and repression with this strategy, however it is neither an immediate fix nor the only way to help myself.
Your videos over the last week have been phenomenal, and so timely as I enter a new level of intimacy with someone I deeply care for. My pain reared it’s head last week, and I never felt so prepared to navigate that, while trusting my partner, as much as I do now with your shared insights. Thank you for doing what you do and giving of your knowledge so freely.
just started the video but this title is SO on point for my struggle right now. i understand that it is my responsibility to control my emotions and behavior, but i also know that i'm struggling with it. this i've been isolating because i know i would not healthily incorporate it into my relationships. it happens in seasons for me and i've ruined friendships when i stay available during these trying times emotionally
Thanks!
What if you get trapped in feeling way too much pain all the time? When I’m triggered I can’t stop crying on and off for days, totally dysregulated. I don’t wall off my feelings I am flooded with them. I use techniques for my nervous system but sometimes it just doesn’t work enough and the pain just goes on and on. Thanks for your videos Heidi, you’re the best!!!
I started off watching this video having no idea what you were talking about, I feel like I'm almost always in low level pain so how could I be avoiding it? But somehow, just listening, it all started to be clear especially when you started explaining about becoming an advocate and protector for your inner child. I'm watching so much about attachment theory and abandonment/fear or exclusion which is my biggest block and Heidi especially has been such a godsend! It occurred to me that generational trauma could also become generational healing when we realize that our ancestor spirits stay within us and only want to support us and help us understand, forgive, and find a better way, one that heals and is an improvement on the forms of love they were able to give us.
Wow. I’m gonna watch this video at least once a month. So important and spoke to me so much. Thank you for this
heidi taught me how to live fr
Damn, Heidi, you hit it out of the park again. Your presentations are so incredibly well thought out. I get so much insight and help out of them. Thank you so much for what you do!!!!
My dad died on my early twenties, this was the most emotional pain i ever felt, i survived bc i told myself "this is gonna hurt a lot and it's gonna hurt for the rest of your life, you don't need to rush to get over it bc you never will" and might seem harsh but it's the truth for me, i feel this grief everytime i see a father and daughter interacting in public, sometimes i even cry, not out of jealousy but reminiscing what it felt like. This grief made me feel resilient, now i know i can survive any emotional pain because I've already survived what seemed like unbearable to me
I love the way you explain things. Thank you so much!
I absolutely appreciated this valuable information Heidi! Thank you.
A visualization of the many different components of who we are being represented as children popped in my head.
Adult me is the “parent” that is to help the children navigate what they’re feeling in a healthy way.
To ignore or shame the “bad” kids and prioritize and praise the “good” ones is a recipe for disaster.
ie I always let my little Joy come out to play and frolic to their leisure and encourage them but I consistently neglect my little Sadness.
I never allow Sadness to express themselves or even ask adequate question to understand why they feel that way. I tell them to go sit in timeout without hearing them out.
Another thing I failed to realize was that my little Joy & my little Sadness are actually linked…like twins. I thought keeping them separated was the right thing to do. Without little Sadness to accompany little Joy , they start to become less and less joyful.
Both children begin to lose who they are naturally because adult me isn’t parenting them in a healthy way.
These little children are all parts of me, and to further neglect them is to continue the cycle of a past of being emotionally neglected.
I always knew that suppressing certain feelings and emotions will cause all to be either dysregulated or diminished. This helped put that more in perspective for me.
My relationship could be a case study for this. It's incredibly tragic.
My partner was limerent and was rejected, and was not over it when we got together. His pain from that was walled off. He mistreated me in much the same ways he felt and I certainly felt all of that pain.
I put up with a lot (way too much) because of my own attachment issues and past abuse. It's honestly something you couldn't even write and have it be believable, it's so tragic. He never validated or tried to work through any of what he or I went through for years. Still trying to work through my trauma 7+ years later.
4:40 She's 💯 correct! Sixteen years, after the situation, and I had to come to this place and feel it.
It's a waste.... feel your feels!
This video is a masterpiece.
The algorithm is purely you now
I love it 🌸
A job that always made us pay
Hello Heidi, your videos are super helpful to me. I'm grieving my moms passing but I'm unaware of the emotions I'm feeling… it's just like depression… lack of motivation and the inability to feel happiness and the occasional tearfulness about other things… I also blew up my relationship shortly before her death. I dream about her and in those dreams, I've gone from caring to rageful at her… telling her that she's dead and to let me have a life… I feel guilty when I wake up.. I was her primary caretaker for 5 years… she had cancer and it was very draining…
I'm so sorry for your loss and everything that led up to it. I have been caring for my mother with cancer for about the same time as you. It is so conflicting and painful and just awful. Something that has helped me is to realize I am very angry at the cancer, not at my mom. I also find it useful to write it all out to get my buried feelings flowing and processed. I wish you peace, rest, and relief soon. ❤
You might focus on forgiving your mother first...whatever she did to you, or the impressions she left, she was only human trying the best she could. Think about the attempts at loving you she made, and the difficulties she had to overcome in her life. Forgiving her likely needs to happen before you can work on your pain with support from this video.
I had the same situation w/ my father who had a real dis-regulated temper. I was fortunate in that I forgave him before he passed. I did this by seeing that even though he handled things in an f'd up manner, he tried to the best of his abilities and my life was independent of his - I could make decisions on my own though he might have a different opinion.
Once you forgive her, you can forgive yourself and then finally take on the pain that you can then metabolize.
Reach out - I'm happy to provide further thoughts if you'd like.
Heidi, you’re the most articulate and relatable therapist I’ve ever known. Thank you, thank you!
Heidi thabk you so much. The last 5 minutes hit me so hard that i recorded it with my phone as a constant reminder to feel the pain to get out of staying in the past.
This Woman is gonna be on JRE or Fox or CNN and quick. Put the work in to Heal herself and shared that work with humanity. Heart Healing Diva Angel....and pretty too. Jeesh!
This was absolutely brilliant! The way you articulate your subject matter and give us the tools to work with is genius. It took me six years after the death of my husband to get to the stage of hope, and a few months there to finally see a new beginning of version 2.0. It is my desire to be there to help others in the future. Thank you!
I needed this BIG TIME.
I like the idea of drawing what the pain is like today. That way even avoidance can be less a source of shame and more an attempt to draw that we know won’t depict much, a leadless pencil we need to put down for one that shows up on the page. Thank you Heidi
I have not taken the time to properly deal with my emotional pain. This information is very helpful.
Wow this video hit me at a great time and I unfortunately was committing all of the unloading stuff in the beginning for months but I recently started to work on this without realizing as I gave myself space to grieve and verbalize why I’m grieving
Pain from social injustice and inequity is a big problem for me.
I feel the pain needs to be externalized in action.
Resolving in ourselves only attempts to delay what will eventually comes back to attack again.
This video is why you are back in my "scripts" recommended.
Seriously, you tend to drop videos that are very specific to what's going on with my life.
So, thsnk you
The timing of your wisdom is serendipity for me. Naming it, moving on from it....all so helpful. Thanks Heidi.
Omg this makes so much sense and I do it by journaling. I used to journal in a sort of clinical way, but once I started REALLY letting out exactly how I felt, even when it seemed cringey or pathetic, I realized it kinda just goes away.
Seriously you are treasure trove. So insightful. I’m shocked you haven’t done a Ted talk yet.
14:21 When I feel myself getting activated and moving toward taking action to contain and control the badness I perceive in a situation, I will try to take the opposite action of becoming still and lean into the feelings of anger and grief.
And it doesn’t have to be either-or but when I can approach the activating person or situation with less unprocessed anger and more equanimity and acceptance, I will have a greater shot at actually affecting change.
This is the dialectical mindset I think.
It is so counterintuitive but the more I can accept how angry (or insert any emotion) I feel about an issue, the more successful I am likely to be when or if I decide to try to change it.
(I hope I am getting this right).
Thanks for the insightful video! Better than therapy sessions
I have a deep respect for your experiences and the work you do to help others.
Heidi, I love you! Thank you for being my new best friend ❤
You're a genius, thnak you for articulating this so well in your videos
Before watching this I know this is exactly what I need to continue my emotional growth
Heidi,
I have never been so grateful for one single person or resource in my entire life than how grateful I am for you and your content. Your heart is SO pure for genuinely wanting to share your incredible wisdom with the world for FREE. The amount of value that you offer is unmatched. You have truly, and I mean this, saved my life by helping me to understand that the inner turmoil I've experienced for all of my life stems from my insecure attachment. I have never healed so much internally than I have over the last 4 months of watching you. From the absolute bottom of my heart thank you infinitely for being so dedicated to putting out such a large volume of the most highly valuable content there truly is. I TRULY hope you know that your reach is absolutely changing humanity. I will never stop referring my loved ones to your videos and I am crying as I write this to you. If you aren't able to read this, I pray that you are able to feel my gratitude through the web of our human interconnected here on this earth. You are an extremely special person and you have given me so much hope for my present and future. You've truly and honestly saved my life. Sending you infinite amounts of love 💖💖💖
Hey Hedi, I hope you'll soon write a book summarizing all you have been talking about the past couple years! I'd buy it in a heartbeat.
Also, thank you.
Ouch. I know how it is with the knee, I had similar thing (fortunately not in the wilderness).
The video in general is helpful as always, of course, but this was so surprisingly vivid. Twisting your kneecap wrong is one of the most weirdly disgusting common life experiences.
The way you are able to vocalize your interpretation experience and relationship with pain has helped me digest my own. Thank you. I now understand that there are feelings towards a feeling and that I need to start validating my own experience however icky it can be. Make dates with it. Name it. Let it flow. It's a lesson on the microcosm and that helps me to appreciate it and create space for it. Thank you so much. This was amazingly insightful.
Thank you for breaking everything down with the PowerPoint. Trying to figure out what I feel and how I'm expressing it is so hard bc I've never been shown how to process it. I'm 33 years old lol. Also wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the daily writing prompt. I experience ADHD so I like that I have something specific to accomplish.
My niece is 17. She lost her mom to an overdose when she was 10 and lost her dad to overdose last August. Needless to say she has a ton of loss, grief and anger to process. I want to be there for her. I will be sharing your videos with her. I'm going to show her a few of my daily entries for "my pain today"
Not sure if this is wrong bc even though I felt way better after naming the pain I naturally wanted to remind myself of objectively true things such as...wanting to swoop in and teach my niece an overwhelming amount of information in a short period of time before she possibly makes a drastic mistake is just me wanting to run away from my own pain and be her savior. I also reminded myself that playing a ROLE in my neices life is different than feeling responsible for her actions and feelings.
Should I not acknowledge these objective truths bc it's taking me out of the "feeling my pain" space and into a "trying to fix the pain" mentality of reasoning my pain away?
When I’m dis-regulated, I watch a related Heidi Priebe video to learn, grow and let go! Thank you Heidi!!!
Wow-I have always needed a good therapist, but never had the resources or even know what to look for, but thank god for you tube, in-spite of you looking like you could be my daughter, you have literally made lights turn on in this damaged brain…lol explaining things I have NEVER understood before. So thank you ❤. (I also am trying to read some of the books you reference. You are brilliant!)
Another wonderful piece of healing advice, thank you!
Another profound teaching in the Buddhist tradition which is highly applicable is The Wheel of Sharp Weapons . Lots of English translation and commentaries out there.
This song came on this morning and I thought this is a perfect description of what I have gone through moving from a fearful avoidant towards a secure attachment style. The author(ess?) of this channel is an authority (please ignore the latex and leather overtones playing in my head! LMAO!) on attachment wounds and the healing path towards secure attachment. She happens to be a fearful avoidant herself. I would love to hear her weigh in on what she thought of this interpretation how it makes her feel, and what comes up for her as she considers this. I am calling her out on this one since she ends every one of these discussions by asking I quote, "Let me know in the comments any thoughts feelings perspectives you have coming up as you move through this." In all fairness, she never actually says she will respond or interact with her audience." LMAO!
Also, I would like to hear her way in on the idea of using music, and song lyrics as a way of identifying what we going through in the present moment. The way of finding commonality in situational emotional pain is to tap into that communal shared experience of pain. I find fiction and non-fiction, poems, books, TV, movies, videos, and their stories help ease (metabolize) my pain. Even these videos are an expression of past, present, and future emotional pains that bring our shared painful experiences out of the shadows and guide us collectively as we ascend the peaks of our fears in a safe space.
Son of Man
Song by Phil Collins
ua-cam.com/video/GtD-Lx6d-BE/v-deo.htmlsi=upcSiE14TmD-ZzJG
Up!
In strength there is power
In the wise there is knowledge
In time everything will come
On the day that begins today
You will seek a thousand answers
You will climb the mountain
You will reach the top
Son of man seek and see
May your soul be free
Proud one day you will be
Son of man, a man one day you will be
There is no one to guide you
Nor a hand to give you
But with faith and understanding
You will become a man
Son of man seek and see
May your soul be free
Proud one day you will be
Son of man, a man one day you will be
Learn to teach
By teaching you will learn
Your life is with the one you
love the most
Today everything you dream about
And in your imagination
Here it is, it's time
Make your dream come true
Son of man seek and see
May your soul be free
Proud one day you will be
Son of man, a man one day you will be
Uh
Uh, yeh-oh
Uh, yeh-oh
Uh, yeh-oh
Man is
Man is a man, that's going to be
It is time to have an emotionally strong and mature person to say to me these things you shared with me in this video.
Thank you for sharing. I need to acknowledge my pain. Please go away 😊