This was a good reminder that if I share something vulnerable and am not received with the compassion I expect, I am still responsible for regulating myself and need to have a Plan B for self-assurance/regulation
This is totally me. I really don’t appreciate when people I am not super close to over share, and I make it pretty known that I am not open to that. I would like to provide some insight as to why some people don’t appreciate vulnerability from General conversations with people that they aren’t close to: I have no way to confirm! That’s what it really comes down to. I was in a domestic violence class in law school and a girl shared with the entire class that in her domestic dispute, her and her boyfriend were both almost arrested, even though supposedly, he hit her first. I did not extend sympathy because I could not confirm if what she was saying was true or not. Later in the year, I found out through the grapevine (after she was kicked out) that she had some serious mental health issues and that she accused several different people of abuse and none of it was true. I say all of this to say- unless I have YEARS worth of context about you, I have no genuine sense of verification if your sob story is something that actually happened. I also happen to be a very thick skinned person who has been through major things (like most people have) *and have completely healed* and 99% of the time, I don’t view your perceived trauma, as trauma that you shouldn’t be over by now. I know that we all have different brain chemistry and levels of resilience, and I empathize with people who sincerely struggle- but I feel that with victimhood being so trendy right now, that 90% of the sob stories I hear are displayed for attention.
@Soleil5291 Every thought, word, action, emotion, feeling, intention, is a bid for attention. Even commenting on UA-cam videos comments. ❤ We'll give us that attention! We definitely deserve it! 😊❤
@@Soleil5291you’ve come out the other end without compassion for other people, so maybe there’s still some work to do…? “You have no proof” can be a very toxic sentiment to hear, for someone who has been abused. It is entirely possible that someone claiming abuse by a specific person has been badly abused and doesn’t know another way to cry for help. Societal disdain for someone with mental illness is the root of this problem in our society. Does that mean I have to fix them? No. I can sincerely wish them the best and still not want anything to do with them. I don’t have to use the lens of how their situation is a burden on me.
I am 56 years old, and you have taught me things that no parent or author has ever taught me, like how to know I’m over-vulnerable, and how to have a self-love day. I love your enthusiasm and super appreciate the growth I am experiencing from reading your contributions.
15:23 "All of this resentment can build up when we are expecting other people to act in a way that keeps us okay." And when we don't fix this within us, we end up forcing our children to act in a way that wouldn't trigger us. Because of which, they will end up with CPTSD or never developing authenticity because they were never given the safe space to be themselves. And the passing down of the issues continues.
Yes, learning to receive other's no with grace, or their actions of "no". In those times, take a step back, and be your own best friend, your own hero, and be there for yourself. Others are out there who we can be vulnerable and safe with, and we ALWAYS have ourselves, our own company. Self-love. Self-care. Personal Healthy Boundaries for YOU. I am also discovering: • ask first, if the person has the "head space" for a vulnerable conversation. • sharing less is better. • explaining less is better. • don't repeat, repeat, repeat, they heard you the first time. • if the situation is building anxiety, it is ok to excuse yourself, and take some time for yourself.
In a PRACTICAL (simplistic) WAY …I call it 🕯 QUESTION I ASK MYSELF ..is this PERSON ????? 1. READY 2. WILLING an so important 3. ABLE or CAPABLE in the MOMENT 🕊🕯🕊
It shocked me recently to learn that many covert narcissists operate from a space of vulnerability (often learned/enforced helplessness). Really shifted how I think about interactions.
I've noticed this recently as I've been getting better at setting boundaries and noticing red flags. It's been a struggle to get here but its nice to notice these things finally.
@@Angelica-sq9lh in a nutshell, passive CNs can sometimes exert control and get attention by acting more dependent than they need to be, or coercing and triangulating other people to wait on them, cover for them or pick up mess after them. Then they'll play the innocent, sweet, vulnerable beleagured victim if they're called on it, or worse crybully. It's a variation on the general NPD theme, and the textbook examples of grandiosity that most people cite.
@@Angelica-sq9lh narcs will use sob stories to manipulate your emotions to feel sorry for them. They use your own empathy against you in this way. Trauma people get vulnerable because they lack those healthy boundaries (what this video is about) but narcs use vulnerability on purpose to manipulate your emotions and keep you in their clutches. One type is messy and the other type is dangerous.
Yes. I had a roommate who seemed this way, last year. He was mad at me for being vulnerable with him, and wanted to be able to always be vulnerable with me. So, seemingly he was looking for parenting. But he was a 26 year old man, a peer. He would weaponize his emotions and vulnerability, and frequently asked for special treatment and favors. He had a huge victim complex. I also noticed some grandiosity, entitlement, & emotional manipulation. He’d told me he had a myriad of mental health diagnoses and used those as excuses to behave poorly. Always a new diagnosis to explain his behavior. Personally, I think it was mainly NPD. In the end, I asked him to move out, because he wouldn’t contribute to the household upkeep, and that’s a big deal for me. I found I had no way to actually get him to do the things he’d agreed to do, because he didn’t value the relationship with me at all. I also called him out a lot and that seemed to really stress him out, so hopefully leaving was better for him as well.
This was very eye opening to me because I thought I wasn’t being vulnerable enough but I was being too vulnerable too early and with an attachment to the outcome of it. Plus, I never realized that being attracted to people who aren’t vulnerable was because of looking for a parent figure in my life but it makes sense to me because I found when my ex was expressing vulnerability it actually made me uncomfortable and I didn’t recognize that.
when my ex was expressing vulnerability it actually made me uncomfortable - my son does this. I feel so upset. This is one of my toxic cycles. I do. I feel like I have no value when he shuts me down and I want to change. I am interested in if you can describe how that discomfort feels or why you are uncomfotable with it. I take it personally and it's really unfair to my son. Thank you for sharing. Maybe Heidi can chime in here.
1. Not recovering from disappointing interactions in a reasonable timeframe. Too attached to outcomes. 2. Vulnerability leads to arguments. Too attached to outcomes. 3. Feeling lots of resentment but not anger. Expecting others to respect boundaries that we never made explicit. 4. Chronically feel out of control in relationships. Imbalances in reciprocity. 5. Vulnerability "isn't working". Attached to outcomes.
It's also worth discerning who is safe enough to be vulnerable with! And, also, to be vulnerable gradually and step by step and not "overdoing" it by sharing too much, or by sharing things which the other party is not capable of understanding, not because they don't want to, but because they lack the context. Edit: Oh, you just mentioned it. I should have watched the video to the end! 😊 It's the most important sign in my view. :) I discovered your channel a few weeks ago and I really enjoy and appreciate your insight!
One of the most important lessons I've learned in life (very late, after 40) is that a good relationship or friendship with anyone (even your family members) is reciprocal.
This just made me feel better. Thank you. I had a instance where through being present and vulnerable I realised I was experiencing limerence. I did all the right things, left the situation, processed my feelings privately. But I felt shame. I processed this as well because I've developed a nurturing internal voice and I know how to do toxic shame recovery. I spent time on my life and my hobbies and spent time with groups who do things which I love doing. I also went full no contact. Still I experienced recurring shame about being vulnerable in the first place. However, I wasn't inappropriately vulnerable and I did have my own back when I got rejected, so now I think because of your video that although I didn't develop a relationship with the other person, I did develop a deeper relationship with myself.
❤❤❤ I'm proud of you for seeing it, leaving it, processing it, and growing yourself! Challenges with sneaky guilt definitely happens, and by golly that sucks! But you've come so far already - you've got this! 💪
It was difficult having someone who was trying to push me into a vulnerable place and extract too much information whilst not sharing as much himself. He didn’t respect my boundaries but paid lip service to himself doing so.
@@halcyondays8945 he’d play both sides of the field so it was so difficult to call him out. He’d claim he was having to tread on eggshells when I asserted my boundaries and I do have quite a few boundaries and he didn’t understand the concept of those. I let few people in but gave him the chance because of our historical context. He couldn’t take criticism but because he imposed his disguised caring qualities which were actually his snobby standards on me, I forgave him. But I’m really struggling to move on from the abused trust despite him saying he couldn’t no longer trust me when he imposed further demands for me to express my feelings to him before I had fully processed them. He’s now blocked me. I’m shattered is an understatement. Thanks for your comment btw.
Some people know how to be assertive and can afford to be super open. And some are helpless and even not disclosing anything gets them into being ridiculed.
Please tell me you have a book in the works. I need to read your knowledge. I dont say this lightly but you saved me from a pit of darkness and confusion ! Love your work and thank you for what you do
Oh my goodness, I can't even express how much I needed this today. I have been overdoing vulnerability for YEARS, and I've just recently been wrapping my head around the concept. This is helping me put terms to things I desperately need to work on. Thank you for sharing this video!
I (avoidant) had the experience of frequently feeling ashamed and confused with a long-term partner (anxious) who struggled to approach me in their vulnerability, who could not always get me to react/receive them the way they wanted or elicit vulnerability from me when i wasn't ready/able/etc. Boundaries were essential for us in making these interactions better - asking to table the moment for a later time, for more time to process, for pauses to re-regulate, etc. For me, even drawing a line for topics that I wasn't available or willing to get into has been a huge thing (re: not constantly abandoning myself).
Thank you for the video. It’s an interesting point about being attracted to people who show up as invulnerable. I actually really value and appreciate vulnerability in people and yet the partners I choose are typically very closed. Unconsciously seeking a parent person, to want to be taken care of, is something I need to have awareness about. 🙏
We all do, if we seek a partner. We are all looking for a parent. It is a universal manifestation of the immaturity of human psyche at our current evolutionary level, yet worshiped as “romantic love” religion by literature, pop songs, movies etc.
Performing that discerning judgment is also the practice that leads to neuroplastic changes. A part of the psyche is traumatized, making that part perform other tasks it was not originally made for. It’s painful for both yourself, and that part. To set it free, is to witness that part’s experience, then practice doing what that part is made for, which is what it desires the most anyway. (This is internal family systems, IFS)
A lot of this resonated with me. I do a lot of sharing, and consider that fundamental to my personality. Going tit-for-tat, sharing and then seeing how it played out and acting accordingly strikes me as game-playing and manipulation and terribly cold. BUT intellectually I know that the happy people don't throw open the windows of their soul to the whole world - they don't make themselves that vulnerable to everyone! Because it HURTS when someone doesn't reciprocate. If "the heart" gets involved or the relationship is otherwise very significant I will continue to share and wait for the reciprocity, even to the point where it can only hurt. I'm pretty good at expressing what I want, so for me the issue is being pretty bad at standing up for myself - bad at drawing a boundary and at being ready to walk away if the relationship doesn't provide me the close connection and other things I am hoping for. It's interesting to think about your idea that we may be attracted to unavailable people because we are searching for a more parental energy ... seeing ourselves as the child who needs to be taken care of, even told what to do. Anyway, there's more where that came from but just wanted to react and also say thanks for the thought-provoking video.
I really relate to the first few sentences of your comment! I’m used to thinking of myself as an open book, and have a hard time holding things back even when I know it’s probably wise for me to do so. over the last few months I’ve been finding it very helpful to think of myself as taking time to really slow down and appreciate the process of letting intimacy with people I care about gradually unfold piece by piece - to think of it not as holding myself back from intimacy, but rather honoring and enjoying every step along the journey of building a connection with someone, instead of trying to rush ahead to the end destination!
I lost a friendship (and content creator collaboration) last month with someone who decided to show less vulnerability as she understood herself more. We both were trying to work with that denouement after over a year of more intense vulnerability. But a last gasp of my vulnerability, which I thought she was asking for, ended up being too much for her, and she decided to stop talking to me for both our sakes. And that made it best to leave her community - which is rough because I've contributed to loads of this person's videos and put the last two years of my time and money into growing that space. (She also had a video encouraging vulnerability, so it stinks that I vulnerability'd wrong.) I miss her. I'm at least 60% at fault over a period of months for this happening. But I miss her. We did some amazing things together.
It's kind of weird to try to put the cat back in the bag after all that sharing. I think we'd need a few more details from her as to why. It's understandable from your point of view why you feel you over shared but there's always more behind the scenes
I know it’s not good to shame yourself when you’ve been abused but I have realized recently how I keep putting myself in those situations until I find someone who I don’t find abusive and then overshare everything in an attempt to have them “save” me from my self and my past… reaffirming to myself that I don’t know how to keep myself safe. I don’t think I did tho and i’m actually proud of myself for recognizing which I feel is helping me out of the cycle of shame and then being overly attached and vulnerable to strangers. Iv been watching your videos a lot recently and I can’t believe I started realizing this b4 watching this video. It’s like a affirmation that I am growing and I can relax in my understanding and healing my relationship with myself and my trauma. Thank you for your work, it is beyond valuable to me💜💜💜
Thank you for continuing to make videos. I became a father 2 years ago and have never addressed my childhood trauma. I started watching videos about attachment styles and came upon your channel. Being the secondary caretaker of my child aside from my wife (primary), it's very difficult to seek professional help. I listen to your videos on the way to work and while I do housework and everytime I re-listen to a video, I gain understanding of concepts I may have glossed over on the first or second listen. Depending on daily situations, with work, my parents, my wife and child, I find new meaning in the nuanced concepts of attachment styles that you concisely explain. Half a year ago my mother received a complicated kidney transplant, it has felt like a never ending struggle, trying to juggle gentle parenting my toddler, taking my fearful avoidant mother to the E.R., working, and continuing to have a healthy relationship with my wife, who has been my biggest supporter and lifeline. My mother is the largest source of my CPTSD and saying it's been difficult to caretake her in the way that she needs is an understatement. Thank you again, I am incredibly grateful to your channel as a resource.
I have never come across a man who is as self aware as you sound. Very few women either tbh. That type of introspection and self awareness was frowned on within my family. Good luck with your mother, I think fearful avoidant would create cptsd. I picture it being like a hungry fox trying to get food, - approach avoid, approach avoid - or the character of Ali (?) from the movie the Breakfast Club. The factor I hadn’t been aware of was the core emotion of disgust being evoked when others demonstrate vulnerability. All the avoidants (except maybe anxious) have that? Its a hard emotion for them to overcome and very difficult for a child to be raised in a healthy emotional way with that going on. I experienced that from my parents & my entire family actually. I can’t work out why I just didn’t turn out to be straight avoidant like they are but seem to be anxious (initially anyway). Have to listen to more of these videos..
This is so wise. Not everyone deserves your vulnerability. You deserve to be discerning when it comes to setting your boundaries. I think we put the cart before the horse when we put so much emphasis on vulnerability. What we want as Heidi correctly diagnosed is the sympatico feeling that comes after we are vulnerable with someone who can honor that.
There's no reality in which the friendzone rejection doesn't sting. It does tend to sting less if you shoot your shot in a confident straightforward manner though. Vulnerability without reciprocity is masochism.
I don't recall 'Daring Greatly' having much to do with handling rejection. It was more about not staying on the sidelines of your own life, out of a fear of failure. That there is a nobility in having the courage to fight, regardless of the possible final outcome.
As far as I remember, no, Daring Greatly does not talk about rejection. The Brene Brown reference at the beginning of this video is just a nod to her overall contribution to popular psychology‘s understanding of the importance of vulnerability. The concept first went widespread in her TED talk on it.
My therapist helped me become more vulnerable. But I don’t stretch it too much. I just feel more comfortable being vulnerable. So it’s like being more vulnerable while feeling less vulnerable lol. It’s kind of a contradiction.
Thank you so much for this video! When the whole world is obsessing about Brene Brown there is little to no narrative about people on the other side of the spectrum, on the oversharing end of it. I will definitely work on noticing, accepting and expressing my anger now. Anxious vulnerability and covertly angry vulnerability are also a thing! Thanks
I think I`'m a Heidi Priebe addict, ha ha. Everything you talk about resonates so well with me, I've been sharing you with everyone I know as there is so much knowledge and so many gems in here. I really am blessed to have been "introduced to you". I love that you don't claim everything as your own, that you reference great works, but you have such a lovely mannerism about you and the way you deliver these insights is so easy to take onboard. I can' even decide which is my best topic, as there is so much I am learning. Attachment Healing and the Dark night of the Soul is a one of my favourites though, and Emotional self intimacy. Thank you for helping me to help myself, to understand my inner child better and to want to nurture that child and love it you. We love you
I kept avoiding watching this video, I would click it and cringe every time, and click out. I finally watched, god damn I needed this. Brutal but definitely cleared my mind a little, more self discovery needs to happen
I would love if you made a video to explain why some of us fill in the blanks and come up with negative explanations when we actually don’t know what the reality is, and how to stop doing this. I love how your style, your context it well organized and clear.
Wow, guilty as charged! This hits the nail of the head for me. In general, I find myself in relationships; romantic and friendships that are not reciprocal. Then I end up feeling resentful. But this video is a reminder that I need to work on discernment.
So good. This is exactly what i've been worried for past year. Most psychological advices are aimed at an average person, who is new to the very idea of psychology, but for (some of) other people the directly opposite advice can be the best and following "common practices" just hurt them.
also psychology diagnoses hypothesis no psychologist has an overview of the human experience psychology certain human thoughts under a microscope, putting thought patterns under a microscope never shows you the complete picture
Very good. For me it was and is learning to be comfortable in my own skin and not have to have validation from other people in order to feel worthy about myself. Also, I am learning to use discernment in whom I share deeper things with. And to not take things so personally. If other people come across as rude, uninterested, its not about me. And I can choose to not take it personally. We do have a choice.
Most people, including myself (once upon a time) do not know how to be vulnerable. This is why, in my experience, that marriages and partnerships fail. No vulnerability = no trust. Can we learn to be vulnerable or must we heal, first? Myself, I needed to discover the origins of my inability to be vulnerable, before I could be vulnerable. It's doable, yet it takes self work.
triangulate what you mean by no vulnerablity - do you mean 1. you don't tell the truth 2. you don't share what bothers you 3. you don't care for the other person
This video explains a terrible dynamic I was in all too well. I was attracted to someone who oscillated between no vulnerability and way too much vulnerability, and because I couldn't recognize the attraction to the parent aura I kept being more vulnerable and it ruined things. I feel horrific about that. What you said at 25:50 or so about being vulnerable is what I did to make a closure statement, and I wasn't clear enough about the affection, and I feel like their response indicates that it hurt them a lot. It's a lot of regrets. Moving on, now.
Gawd sometimes the algorithm really sends me what I need. I’m still reeling from a rejection that happened a few weeks ago from someone who I have had relatively little time with but I feel completely gutted. And I’ve been wondering if the lesson here is to not open myself up to people like I did with him. And I was telling myself that’s a bad lesson to learn. I should stay open even if it means im going to get hurt. But the thought of being too vulnerable never crossed my mind. And now that it has I can see this is absolutely what I’ve done my whole damn life.
You really do this so well. Your videos stand out above all the rest. Really hit the nail on the head on these topics. Thank you so much for your channel
Thank you so much. I used to think that being able to show vulnerability somehow made me a secure and healthy person. I needed to hear this talk and get a reality check about how this, too, could be used the wrong way. It feels like a slap in the face to wake me up from the weirdest nightmare.
Being more discerning with who I'm vulnerable with has become a major priority for me this year This video has been so helpful and insightful for me Thanks a million
Can I just say that aside from the really insightful ideas and lessons you share, you're a really, really good speaker. I know you edit stuff most likely but even so, your pacing, lack of filler words etc is really impeccable.
We show emotions and get vulnerable because it helped our surviving. I agree with almost everything u said, except with assesment of manipulation as a function of vulnerability if we expect certain things from the person we chose to be vulnerable with. Ofc we expect because (if we didn't live all our life with monsters) that is natural reaction from ppl around you who care for you. The problem with anxious and avoidant relationship is roller coaster, push and pull dynamic. Once your vulnerability is met with kindness, other time with a cold shower, and you basically live as a gambler and you're high on possible win and dreading the probable fail, confused with inconsistency and contradictions. It is drama, romance, toxicity, passion and inevitable rupture with unsure repair. Expecting ppl to treat you well when you are vulnerable is not delusional but a must have if you wanna live happy life. It's just, when ppl don't treat you well, see it, report it, sort it.
This video might be worth a re-watch for you. It certainly is for me. The problem is not expecting people to treat you respectfully. It’s about subconsciously transferring the ability and responsibility to regulate your emotions over to others and expecting them to do so for you. You are giving them power over you and leaving yourself defenseless. But you have agency. When it comes to the anxious-avoidant dance, it takes two to tango. It’s not something that is merely done to you. This video is crucial information for you to use your agency and remove yourself from that dynamic. What is your alternative? Waiting for them to heal and stop their contributions to the dynamic? You would just end up in the same dynamic with the next person.
@@MoschinoAmore hey thanks for your comment. Coregulation is a thing. Important one. Couples, friends, everyone are using it and it feels awesome (for me). Self soothing and self regulation can get the job done but does that mean we should always do it? Ppl create relationships based on their experiences with ppl. I'm not saying anxious ppl don't have issues of their own with staying with ppl that can't fulfill even 30% of their emotional needs at later point, but in their defense, relationship with an avoidant never starts there, anxious ppl get hooked on open, loving, free person that is able to show love right up to the point things get serious and fears kick in. And then suddenly you realise that loving person doesn't exist. So in the early days you might not have the slightest idea your partner is avoidant. Having expectations that your partner will be supportive and nurturing when you're being vulnerable is in my book healthy and if she/he isn't, they are not your person. And I give the same back. Namaste 🙌
You fill in the knowledge gaps of my own inner work! This message was a puzzle piece I was missing this week. Something that didn't make sense before now makes sense.
Seriously, I just love how compassionately everything is worded. Like, deep down, I was aware of some of these things, but it the self talk around it was not nearly as... nice. Thanks for this video.
This video is extremely helpful and thought provoking. I've struggled with landing on the losing side of vulnerability and this is a valuable resource in developing prudent boundaries and cultivating the awareness that I should set and enforce them myself, rather than unfairly charging others with that responsibility. I just got back from my monthly therapy session and we used this video as a jumping off point for the majority of the session. I've watched it 3 times and am promoting it to others in my weekly newsletter. Thanks for making this. As always, your content brings value and it is appreciated.
Summary/Overview: 00:00 Intro - Signs you might be overdoing vulnerability: 02:57 Sign 1: When you get hurt your not recovering in a reasonable time frame. 09:00 Sign 2: When you are vulnerable with established relations, romantic/ friend/ family, it tends to lead to argument. Your attached to the outcome. 13:13 Sign 3: Resentment - self-abandonment, anger - self-protect. 17:00 Sign 4: Feel crazy/ out of control. 25:00 ? 28:00 Conclusion
Thank you so much for teaching how to navigate these emotional waters . My life got improved listening to your important words. I am much more ready for the next day thanks to you! The fight for self-containment is real!
Ugh, I’ve been that person who lets way too much ride on small interactions like finding out if someone wants to date! I love that you call out, “I will always be alone” is a response that loads the whole thing w pressure that is inappropriate. That is the gist, not your phrasing. This perspective, earlier in my life, might’ve emboldened me too, take more risks, because the perception of risk would have dropped. Your work is invaluable so of us. Thank you so much.
This explained kinda EVERY of my failed relationships in past three and a half years since I first started to express myself and left surface-level marriage (which also failed). Whoa thank you Heidi you are the best
seriously your channel made me feel all emotions that i have been unable to recognize or understand what is happening why am i hurt most of the time, your knowledge and the way you communicate is pure gold
I wish I'd seen this months ago, or years ago, would have helped. It explains so much! I'm now going to proceed to stop blaming the other person and projecting my wounds and start working on myself
Starting to realise I have some form of Cinderella Syndrome, as well as Avoidant attachment (probably fearful or disorganised). It feels overwhelming to tackle alone, or even at all.
Learning when it is safe to be vulnerable is the most excruciating and difficult part of learning emotional intelligence when healing from emotional neglect in childhood. It has caused me so much fear and anxiety!! But the thing that is most perplexing is that there are times when we absolutely need other people to depend on (especially when getting older in life), and when one of those situations happens it can lead to intense internal dissonance and panic. My question is how do you ask for help in an appropriately vulnerable way??
Thanks for the advice on how to understand our attempts at vulnerability. I succeeded in being vulnerable at a support meeting and got shut down. Your talk just let me know that it's OK to see that experience as a learning one and move on. The people pleaser in me enjoys the thought that I don't always have to stand on vulnerability in relationships, however close they may seem.
This video is very much the way it is for me right now, and has been for a few months I think. It’s becoming unbearable at the moment with over sharing with another person. I’m very thankful I’ve found you and this video 🌟🤗🌟🤗
Heidi is the best. And needs to be recognized for her incredible work and teaching skills. I am slowly getting better and improving but still need her videos and voice to stay on track. This needs to be taught in schools, we wouldn’t have so many f up people in the world. Thank you Heidi for your videos. No therapist have ever explained it the way you do. And it’s a place of love and safety. I can understand why I have so many problems with people
Heidi, this information is so valuable. I'm discovering that there are some people (who in the past I have trusted) who are simply not capable of accepting my vulnerability.
In truthfullness, many other videos are helping, but after having trouble capitalizing on all this energy for writing and not actualy doing it, offereing a meteoric level thanks for this video's placing into words thoughts and feelings hindering that actual writing process.
Great video. I listened to all of Brene Browns books out walking and although I enjoyed them, I felt that that 'this' (Be Vulnerable!) was not the epiphany I personally needed. My conclusion was that I need to learn to protect myself, disguise my authentic reaction to bad news/rejection/exclusion and I need to learn not to over share............... but take risks knowing I can privately cope with outcome. It felt unbelievable to me that people needed to be encouraged to show vulnerability! But I took it to mean bravery in my case. Applying for jobs but learning not to overshare my disappointment when I was rejected. (I was). I'll keep going, keep trying. That's vulnerability but I'm not bringing others in to it.
This video is really eye opening. I'm choosing to have compassion for myself for over-doing vulnerability. My mother always over shared with me and for the longest I unconsciously did the same. I think it's because I want to feel connected. I also see overdoing vulnerability come up when I reach out to people and they don't respond. Or don't respond how I wanted. Then those old rejection stories and feelings kick in. I'm going to journal and meditate. I'll reflect on the ways I've overdone vulnerability. I might be overdoing it with this comment. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for this Heidi. I needed this :) Could you please share more videos on cultivating to integrate pain in our lives and to live in the present. I let my past govern my present and it really hampers my self worth.
Thanks, Heide Priebe, for an amazing and elaborate explanation of "Overdoing" vulnerability. Could totally relate to it. It hit me deeply when you spoke about the " At times the child within us, whose needs weren't met by parents/caretakers, looks for another parent-like person who is not vulnerable. The info was spot on. Surprisingly, I have come across some adults(whose needs were unmet as children) taking up the role of a parent - as a survivor or narcissist getting attracted to over-vulnerable people. This must be a dynamic. .
Thank you Heidi this s so valuable!! I wish there was MORE content in the mainstream to add to the Brenee Brown story. Such a big piece here that’s missing from it
Holy moly. I have watched this video several times and have taken notes. I learned so much and can tell you how spot on you are with this. Now, if I can just internalize this asks not continue to make the same mistakes again. Thank you Heidi! ❤
I just recently came across your channel. I can’t stop watching (listening) your videos. My jaw seems to drop on the floor every time you say something that resonates haha this video especially hit me hard. I am literally dealing with this right now with a neighbor, who thankfully hasn’t seemed to be scared away yet as a possible friend lol but, in all seriousness, I definitely have overshared with him and although he responds politely and usually with some words of validation, I can definitely sense that I am leading the conversations and need to back off for a while. And like I said, I haven’t completely scared him off; we have plans next week. So, I’m going to use your advice and work on slowing the pace of over sharing and see if he becomes more open overtime to sharing his own vulnerabilities. THANK YOU FOR YOUR AMAZING WISDOM AND HELP!
Thank you, this is excellent advice. I'm happy to notice that it's another area where I'm managing some increased integrity. It's hard and lonely, but the long-term result is more respect for, and trust in, myself. And, the right kind of people seem to be sticking around. But this information helps me reinforce improving habits, so thank you.
I, and I’m sure others, appreciate the knowledge you dispense here on UA-cam. I have a therapist but I supplement what I learn from them with a lot of the tools you provide. Your service is invaluable but here’s a token of thanks.🙏
This was a good reminder that if I share something vulnerable and am not received with the compassion I expect, I am still responsible for regulating myself and need to have a Plan B for self-assurance/regulation
This is totally me. I really don’t appreciate when people I am not super close to over share, and I make it pretty known that I am not open to that. I would like to provide some insight as to why some people don’t appreciate vulnerability from General conversations with people that they aren’t close to:
I have no way to confirm! That’s what it really comes down to. I was in a domestic violence class in law school and a girl shared with the entire class that in her domestic dispute, her and her boyfriend were both almost arrested, even though supposedly, he hit her first.
I did not extend sympathy because I could not confirm if what she was saying was true or not.
Later in the year, I found out through the grapevine (after she was kicked out) that she had some serious mental health issues and that she accused several different people of abuse and none of it was true.
I say all of this to say- unless I have YEARS worth of context about you, I have no genuine sense of verification if your sob story is something that actually happened.
I also happen to be a very thick skinned person who has been through major things (like most people have) *and have completely healed* and 99% of the time, I don’t view your perceived trauma, as trauma that you shouldn’t be over by now.
I know that we all have different brain chemistry and levels of resilience, and I empathize with people who sincerely struggle- but I feel that with victimhood being so trendy right now, that 90% of the sob stories I hear are displayed for attention.
@@Soleil5291"completely healed" 😂
Can you elaborate on why seeking attention for trauma is inappropriate?
Because a girl in class lied a lot?
@Soleil5291 Every thought, word, action, emotion, feeling, intention, is a bid for attention. Even commenting on UA-cam videos comments. ❤ We'll give us that attention! We definitely deserve it! 😊❤
@@Soleil5291you’ve come out the other end without compassion for other people, so maybe there’s still some work to do…?
“You have no proof” can be a very toxic sentiment to hear, for someone who has been abused. It is entirely possible that someone claiming abuse by a specific person has been badly abused and doesn’t know another way to cry for help.
Societal disdain for someone with mental illness is the root of this problem in our society. Does that mean I have to fix them? No. I can sincerely wish them the best and still not want anything to do with them. I don’t have to use the lens of how their situation is a burden on me.
I am 56 years old, and you have taught me things that no parent or author has ever taught me, like how to know I’m over-vulnerable, and how to have a self-love day. I love your enthusiasm and super appreciate the growth I am experiencing from reading your contributions.
15:23 "All of this resentment can build up when we are expecting other people to act in a way that keeps us okay." And when we don't fix this within us, we end up forcing our children to act in a way that wouldn't trigger us. Because of which, they will end up with CPTSD or never developing authenticity because they were never given the safe space to be themselves. And the passing down of the issues continues.
Well said.
Yes, learning to receive other's no with grace, or their actions of "no". In those times, take a step back, and be your own best friend, your own hero, and be there for yourself. Others are out there who we can be vulnerable and safe with, and we ALWAYS have ourselves, our own company. Self-love. Self-care. Personal Healthy Boundaries for YOU.
I am also discovering:
• ask first, if the person has the "head space" for a vulnerable conversation.
• sharing less is better.
• explaining less is better.
• don't repeat, repeat, repeat, they heard you the first time.
• if the situation is building anxiety, it is ok to excuse yourself, and take some time for yourself.
In a PRACTICAL (simplistic)
WAY …I call it 🕯
QUESTION I ASK
MYSELF ..is this
PERSON ?????
1. READY
2. WILLING
an so important
3. ABLE or CAPABLE
in the MOMENT 🕊🕯🕊
Thank you for simplifying it. Very helpful xx
Mathew Hussey calls reckless vulnerability an "emotional dumping" which i thought was a nice metaphor as well
I’ve DEFINITELY been overdoing vulnerability 😅
It shocked me recently to learn that many covert narcissists operate from a space of vulnerability (often learned/enforced helplessness). Really shifted how I think about interactions.
I've noticed this recently as I've been getting better at setting boundaries and noticing red flags. It's been a struggle to get here but its nice to notice these things finally.
wait, could you explain this concept? Or refer me to a video that does?
@@Angelica-sq9lh in a nutshell, passive CNs can sometimes exert control and get attention by acting more dependent than they need to be, or coercing and triangulating other people to wait on them, cover for them or pick up mess after them. Then they'll play the innocent, sweet, vulnerable beleagured victim if they're called on it, or worse crybully. It's a variation on the general NPD theme, and the textbook examples of grandiosity that most people cite.
@@Angelica-sq9lh narcs will use sob stories to manipulate your emotions to feel sorry for them. They use your own empathy against you in this way. Trauma people get vulnerable because they lack those healthy boundaries (what this video is about) but narcs use vulnerability on purpose to manipulate your emotions and keep you in their clutches. One type is messy and the other type is dangerous.
Yes. I had a roommate who seemed this way, last year. He was mad at me for being vulnerable with him, and wanted to be able to always be vulnerable with me. So, seemingly he was looking for parenting. But he was a 26 year old man, a peer. He would weaponize his emotions and vulnerability, and frequently asked for special treatment and favors. He had a huge victim complex. I also noticed some grandiosity, entitlement, & emotional manipulation. He’d told me he had a myriad of mental health diagnoses and used those as excuses to behave poorly. Always a new diagnosis to explain his behavior. Personally, I think it was mainly NPD. In the end, I asked him to move out, because he wouldn’t contribute to the household upkeep, and that’s a big deal for me. I found I had no way to actually get him to do the things he’d agreed to do, because he didn’t value the relationship with me at all. I also called him out a lot and that seemed to really stress him out, so hopefully leaving was better for him as well.
Too many rejections has me feeling like i should only be vulnerable with my therapist
being vulnerable is one dimensional
be vulnerable
be invulnerable
be discerning - do all three
that's the risk you take. but it's worth it when you meet the right people.
This was very eye opening to me because I thought I wasn’t being vulnerable enough but I was being too vulnerable too early and with an attachment to the outcome of it. Plus, I never realized that being attracted to people who aren’t vulnerable was because of looking for a parent figure in my life but it makes sense to me because I found when my ex was expressing vulnerability it actually made me uncomfortable and I didn’t recognize that.
when my ex was expressing vulnerability it actually made me uncomfortable - my son does this. I feel so upset. This is one of my toxic cycles. I do. I feel like I have no value when he shuts me down and I want to change. I am interested in if you can describe how that discomfort feels or why you are uncomfotable with it. I take it personally and it's really unfair to my son. Thank you for sharing. Maybe Heidi can chime in here.
@@jenniferg6818 there’s no free lunch
1. Not recovering from disappointing interactions in a reasonable timeframe. Too attached to outcomes.
2. Vulnerability leads to arguments. Too attached to outcomes.
3. Feeling lots of resentment but not anger. Expecting others to respect boundaries that we never made explicit.
4. Chronically feel out of control in relationships. Imbalances in reciprocity.
5. Vulnerability "isn't working". Attached to outcomes.
It's also worth discerning who is safe enough to be vulnerable with!
And, also, to be vulnerable gradually and step by step and not "overdoing" it by sharing too much, or by sharing things which the other party is not capable of understanding, not because they don't want to, but because they lack the context.
Edit: Oh, you just mentioned it. I should have watched the video to the end! 😊 It's the most important sign in my view. :)
I discovered your channel a few weeks ago and I really enjoy and appreciate your insight!
One of the most important lessons I've learned in life (very late, after 40) is that a good relationship or friendship with anyone (even your family members) is reciprocal.
This just made me feel better. Thank you. I had a instance where through being present and vulnerable I realised I was experiencing limerence. I did all the right things, left the situation, processed my feelings privately. But I felt shame. I processed this as well because I've developed a nurturing internal voice and I know how to do toxic shame recovery. I spent time on my life and my hobbies and spent time with groups who do things which I love doing. I also went full no contact. Still I experienced recurring shame about being vulnerable in the first place. However, I wasn't inappropriately vulnerable and I did have my own back when I got rejected, so now I think because of your video that although I didn't develop a relationship with the other person, I did develop a deeper relationship with myself.
I hope we can Coping our reaction , avoidant from each other. End up with confidence for feel conected.
❤❤❤ I'm proud of you for seeing it, leaving it, processing it, and growing yourself! Challenges with sneaky guilt definitely happens, and by golly that sucks! But you've come so far already - you've got this! 💪
This was a great self evaluation.. and I wish you keep in touch with yourself.
This is exactly the blind spot I’ve needed people to explain to me my whole life and finally you did
Yes, same for me as well.
14:59 "Everyone in a relationship should put them self first." I needed to hear this.
It was difficult having someone who was trying to push me into a vulnerable place and extract too much information whilst not sharing as much himself. He didn’t respect my boundaries but paid lip service to himself doing so.
Ugh that’s such a big red flag! Probing your soft spots without revealing his own is such a set up for abusing you
@@halcyondays8945 he’d play both sides of the field so it was so difficult to call him out. He’d claim he was having to tread on eggshells when I asserted my boundaries and I do have quite a few boundaries and he didn’t understand the concept of those. I let few people in but gave him the chance because of our historical context. He couldn’t take criticism but because he imposed his disguised caring qualities which were actually his snobby standards on me, I forgave him. But I’m really struggling to move on from the abused trust despite him saying he couldn’t no longer trust me when he imposed further demands for me to express my feelings to him before I had fully processed them. He’s now blocked me. I’m shattered is an understatement.
Thanks for your comment btw.
Some people know how to be assertive and can afford to be super open. And some are helpless and even not disclosing anything gets them into being ridiculed.
That's an interesting thought... I'm what ways are they helpless? And what do you mean by affording to be open?
Please tell me you have a book in the works. I need to read your knowledge. I dont say this lightly but you saved me from a pit of darkness and confusion ! Love your work and thank you for what you do
Oh my goodness, I can't even express how much I needed this today. I have been overdoing vulnerability for YEARS, and I've just recently been wrapping my head around the concept. This is helping me put terms to things I desperately need to work on. Thank you for sharing this video!
15:30-16:30 about vulnerability, boundaries and neglected anger was my most insightful part
I (avoidant) had the experience of frequently feeling ashamed and confused with a long-term partner (anxious) who struggled to approach me in their vulnerability, who could not always get me to react/receive them the way they wanted or elicit vulnerability from me when i wasn't ready/able/etc. Boundaries were essential for us in making these interactions better - asking to table the moment for a later time, for more time to process, for pauses to re-regulate, etc. For me, even drawing a line for topics that I wasn't available or willing to get into has been a huge thing (re: not constantly abandoning myself).
Thank you for the video. It’s an interesting point about being attracted to people who show up as invulnerable. I actually really value and appreciate vulnerability in people and yet the partners I choose are typically very closed. Unconsciously seeking a parent person, to want to be taken care of, is something I need to have awareness about. 🙏
We all do, if we seek a partner. We are all looking for a parent. It is a universal manifestation of the immaturity of human psyche at our current evolutionary level, yet worshiped as “romantic love” religion by literature, pop songs, movies etc.
Performing that discerning judgment is also the practice that leads to neuroplastic changes. A part of the psyche is traumatized, making that part perform other tasks it was not originally made for. It’s painful for both yourself, and that part. To set it free, is to witness that part’s experience, then practice doing what that part is made for, which is what it desires the most anyway. (This is internal family systems, IFS)
A lot of this resonated with me. I do a lot of sharing, and consider that fundamental to my personality. Going tit-for-tat, sharing and then seeing how it played out and acting accordingly strikes me as game-playing and manipulation and terribly cold. BUT intellectually I know that the happy people don't throw open the windows of their soul to the whole world - they don't make themselves that vulnerable to everyone! Because it HURTS when someone doesn't reciprocate. If "the heart" gets involved or the relationship is otherwise very significant I will continue to share and wait for the reciprocity, even to the point where it can only hurt. I'm pretty good at expressing what I want, so for me the issue is being pretty bad at standing up for myself - bad at drawing a boundary and at being ready to walk away if the relationship doesn't provide me the close connection and other things I am hoping for. It's interesting to think about your idea that we may be attracted to unavailable people because we are searching for a more parental energy ... seeing ourselves as the child who needs to be taken care of, even told what to do. Anyway, there's more where that came from but just wanted to react and also say thanks for the thought-provoking video.
I really relate to the first few sentences of your comment! I’m used to thinking of myself as an open book, and have a hard time holding things back even when I know it’s probably wise for me to do so. over the last few months I’ve been finding it very helpful to think of myself as taking time to really slow down and appreciate the process of letting intimacy with people I care about gradually unfold piece by piece - to think of it not as holding myself back from intimacy, but rather honoring and enjoying every step along the journey of building a connection with someone, instead of trying to rush ahead to the end destination!
I lost a friendship (and content creator collaboration) last month with someone who decided to show less vulnerability as she understood herself more. We both were trying to work with that denouement after over a year of more intense vulnerability. But a last gasp of my vulnerability, which I thought she was asking for, ended up being too much for her, and she decided to stop talking to me for both our sakes. And that made it best to leave her community - which is rough because I've contributed to loads of this person's videos and put the last two years of my time and money into growing that space. (She also had a video encouraging vulnerability, so it stinks that I vulnerability'd wrong.)
I miss her. I'm at least 60% at fault over a period of months for this happening. But I miss her. We did some amazing things together.
It's kind of weird to try to put the cat back in the bag after all that sharing. I think we'd need a few more details from her as to why. It's understandable from your point of view why you feel you over shared but there's always more behind the scenes
Lightbulbs went off in my head like a Christmas tree. Thank you Heidi for explaining topics so well and in such a kind manner ❤
I know it’s not good to shame yourself when you’ve been abused but I have realized recently how I keep putting myself in those situations until I find someone who I don’t find abusive and then overshare everything in an attempt to have them “save” me from my self and my past… reaffirming to myself that I don’t know how to keep myself safe. I don’t think I did tho and i’m actually proud of myself for recognizing which I feel is helping me out of the cycle of shame and then being overly attached and vulnerable to strangers. Iv been watching your videos a lot recently and I can’t believe I started realizing this b4 watching this video. It’s like a affirmation that I am growing and I can relax in my understanding and healing my relationship with myself and my trauma. Thank you for your work, it is beyond valuable to me💜💜💜
Resentment comes from a place of self abandonment- powerful.
Thanks for sharing this.
Thank you for continuing to make videos. I became a father 2 years ago and have never addressed my childhood trauma. I started watching videos about attachment styles and came upon your channel. Being the secondary caretaker of my child aside from my wife (primary), it's very difficult to seek professional help. I listen to your videos on the way to work and while I do housework and everytime I re-listen to a video, I gain understanding of concepts I may have glossed over on the first or second listen. Depending on daily situations, with work, my parents, my wife and child, I find new meaning in the nuanced concepts of attachment styles that you concisely explain. Half a year ago my mother received a complicated kidney transplant, it has felt like a never ending struggle, trying to juggle gentle parenting my toddler, taking my fearful avoidant mother to the E.R., working, and continuing to have a healthy relationship with my wife, who has been my biggest supporter and lifeline. My mother is the largest source of my CPTSD and saying it's been difficult to caretake her in the way that she needs is an understatement. Thank you again, I am incredibly grateful to your channel as a resource.
What means "C" at CPTSD?
@@indrawatir7734omplex (as in due to multiple events over a long period of time vs a single or specific events).
I have never come across a man who is as self aware as you sound. Very few women either tbh. That type of introspection and self awareness was frowned on within my family. Good luck with your mother, I think fearful avoidant would create cptsd. I picture it being like a hungry fox trying to get food, - approach avoid, approach avoid - or the character of Ali (?) from the movie the Breakfast Club. The factor I hadn’t been aware of was the core emotion of disgust being evoked when others demonstrate vulnerability. All the avoidants (except maybe anxious) have that? Its a hard emotion for them to overcome and very difficult for a child to be raised in a healthy emotional way with that going on. I experienced that from my parents & my entire family actually. I can’t work out why I just didn’t turn out to be straight avoidant like they are but seem to be anxious (initially anyway). Have to listen to more of these videos..
@@universaltruth2025 yeah I was gonna comment the same about @Paul Tan.
Your content has been so spot on lately that I have to make myself a bath and open a good bottle of wine before devouring it 🍷
This is so wise. Not everyone deserves your vulnerability. You deserve to be discerning when it comes to setting your boundaries.
I think we put the cart before the horse when we put so much emphasis on vulnerability. What we want as Heidi correctly diagnosed is the sympatico feeling that comes after we are vulnerable with someone who can honor that.
Yikes I know I’m getting called out in this one lol ❤ thanks Heidi
There's no reality in which the friendzone rejection doesn't sting. It does tend to sting less if you shoot your shot in a confident straightforward manner though. Vulnerability without reciprocity is masochism.
I don't recall 'Daring Greatly' having much to do with handling rejection. It was more about not staying on the sidelines of your own life, out of a fear of failure. That there is a nobility in having the courage to fight, regardless of the possible final outcome.
As far as I remember, no, Daring Greatly does not talk about rejection. The Brene Brown reference at the beginning of this video is just a nod to her overall contribution to popular psychology‘s understanding of the importance of vulnerability. The concept first went widespread in her TED talk on it.
My therapist helped me become more vulnerable. But I don’t stretch it too much. I just feel more comfortable being vulnerable. So it’s like being more vulnerable while feeling less vulnerable lol. It’s kind of a contradiction.
Thank you so much for this video! When the whole world is obsessing about Brene Brown there is little to no narrative about people on the other side of the spectrum, on the oversharing end of it. I will definitely work on noticing, accepting and expressing my anger now. Anxious vulnerability and covertly angry vulnerability are also a thing! Thanks
what a great video. I knew "oversharing" was "bad" but never really understood why or what that meant or how to know if i am oversharing.
I think I`'m a Heidi Priebe addict, ha ha. Everything you talk about resonates so well with me, I've been sharing you with everyone I know as there is so much knowledge and so many gems in here. I really am blessed to have been "introduced to you". I love that you don't claim everything as your own, that you reference great works, but you have such a lovely mannerism about you and the way you deliver these insights is so easy to take onboard. I can' even decide which is my best topic, as there is so much I am learning. Attachment Healing and the Dark night of the Soul is a one of my favourites though, and Emotional self intimacy. Thank you for helping me to help myself, to understand my inner child better and to want to nurture that child and love it you. We love you
I kept avoiding watching this video, I would click it and cringe every time, and click out. I finally watched, god damn I needed this. Brutal but definitely cleared my mind a little, more self discovery needs to happen
I would love if you made a video to explain why some of us fill in the blanks and come up with negative explanations when we actually don’t know what the reality is, and how to stop doing this.
I love how your style, your context it well organized and clear.
Wow, guilty as charged! This hits the nail of the head for me. In general, I find myself in relationships; romantic and friendships that are not reciprocal. Then I end up feeling resentful. But this video is a reminder that I need to work on discernment.
So good. This is exactly what i've been worried for past year.
Most psychological advices are aimed at an average person, who is new to the very idea of psychology, but for (some of) other people the directly opposite advice can be the best and following "common practices" just hurt them.
also psychology diagnoses hypothesis
no psychologist has an overview of the human experience
psychology certain human thoughts under a microscope, putting thought patterns under a microscope never shows you the complete picture
You’re one of my favorite channels. Thank you for this content and making us all healthier versions of ourselves.
Very good. For me it was and is learning to be comfortable in my own skin and not have to have validation from other people in order to feel worthy about myself. Also, I am learning to use discernment in whom I share deeper things with. And to not take things so personally. If other people come across as rude, uninterested, its not about me. And I can choose to not take it personally. We do have a choice.
Most people, including myself (once upon a time) do not know how to be vulnerable. This is why, in my experience, that marriages and partnerships fail. No vulnerability = no trust. Can we learn to be vulnerable or must we heal, first? Myself, I needed to discover the origins of my inability to be vulnerable, before I could be vulnerable. It's doable, yet it takes self work.
triangulate what you mean by no vulnerablity - do you mean
1. you don't tell the truth
2. you don't share what bothers you
3. you don't care for the other person
This video explains a terrible dynamic I was in all too well. I was attracted to someone who oscillated between no vulnerability and way too much vulnerability, and because I couldn't recognize the attraction to the parent aura I kept being more vulnerable and it ruined things. I feel horrific about that. What you said at 25:50 or so about being vulnerable is what I did to make a closure statement, and I wasn't clear enough about the affection, and I feel like their response indicates that it hurt them a lot. It's a lot of regrets. Moving on, now.
Gawd sometimes the algorithm really sends me what I need. I’m still reeling from a rejection that happened a few weeks ago from someone who I have had relatively little time with but I feel completely gutted. And I’ve been wondering if the lesson here is to not open myself up to people like I did with him. And I was telling myself that’s a bad lesson to learn. I should stay open even if it means im going to get hurt. But the thought of being too vulnerable never crossed my mind. And now that it has I can see this is absolutely what I’ve done my whole damn life.
You really do this so well. Your videos stand out above all the rest. Really hit the nail on the head on these topics. Thank you so much for your channel
Thank you so much.
I used to think that being able to show vulnerability somehow made me a secure and healthy person.
I needed to hear this talk and get a reality check about how this, too, could be used the wrong way.
It feels like a slap in the face to wake me up from the weirdest nightmare.
Being more discerning with who I'm vulnerable with has become a major priority for me this year
This video has been so helpful and insightful for me
Thanks a million
Can I just say that aside from the really insightful ideas and lessons you share, you're a really, really good speaker. I know you edit stuff most likely but even so, your pacing, lack of filler words etc is really impeccable.
the anger vs resentment thing is huge and *very* helpful. That's such a great way to frame it
We show emotions and get vulnerable because it helped our surviving. I agree with almost everything u said, except with assesment of manipulation as a function of vulnerability if we expect certain things from the person we chose to be vulnerable with. Ofc we expect because (if we didn't live all our life with monsters) that is natural reaction from ppl around you who care for you. The problem with anxious and avoidant relationship is roller coaster, push and pull dynamic. Once your vulnerability is met with kindness, other time with a cold shower, and you basically live as a gambler and you're high on possible win and dreading the probable fail, confused with inconsistency and contradictions. It is drama, romance, toxicity, passion and inevitable rupture with unsure repair. Expecting ppl to treat you well when you are vulnerable is not delusional but a must have if you wanna live happy life. It's just, when ppl don't treat you well, see it, report it, sort it.
This video might be worth a re-watch for you. It certainly is for me. The problem is not expecting people to treat you respectfully. It’s about subconsciously transferring the ability and responsibility to regulate your emotions over to others and expecting them to do so for you. You are giving them power over you and leaving yourself defenseless. But you have agency.
When it comes to the anxious-avoidant dance, it takes two to tango. It’s not something that is merely done to you. This video is crucial information for you to use your agency and remove yourself from that dynamic. What is your alternative? Waiting for them to heal and stop their contributions to the dynamic? You would just end up in the same dynamic with the next person.
@@MoschinoAmore hey thanks for your comment. Coregulation is a thing. Important one. Couples, friends, everyone are using it and it feels awesome (for me). Self soothing and self regulation can get the job done but does that mean we should always do it? Ppl create relationships based on their experiences with ppl. I'm not saying anxious ppl don't have issues of their own with staying with ppl that can't fulfill even 30% of their emotional needs at later point, but in their defense, relationship with an avoidant never starts there, anxious ppl get hooked on open, loving, free person that is able to show love right up to the point things get serious and fears kick in. And then suddenly you realise that loving person doesn't exist. So in the early days you might not have the slightest idea your partner is avoidant. Having expectations that your partner will be supportive and nurturing when you're being vulnerable is in my book healthy and if she/he isn't, they are not your person. And I give the same back. Namaste 🙌
You fill in the knowledge gaps of my own inner work! This message was a puzzle piece I was missing this week. Something that didn't make sense before now makes sense.
Seriously, I just love how compassionately everything is worded. Like, deep down, I was aware of some of these things, but it the self talk around it was not nearly as... nice. Thanks for this video.
This video is extremely helpful and thought provoking. I've struggled with landing on the losing side of vulnerability and this is a valuable resource in developing prudent boundaries and cultivating the awareness that I should set and enforce them myself, rather than unfairly charging others with that responsibility. I just got back from my monthly therapy session and we used this video as a jumping off point for the majority of the session. I've watched it 3 times and am promoting it to others in my weekly newsletter. Thanks for making this. As always, your content brings value and it is appreciated.
Summary/Overview:
00:00 Intro - Signs you might be overdoing vulnerability:
02:57 Sign 1: When you get hurt your not recovering in a reasonable time frame.
09:00 Sign 2: When you are vulnerable with established relations, romantic/ friend/ family, it tends to lead to argument. Your attached to the outcome.
13:13 Sign 3: Resentment - self-abandonment, anger - self-protect.
17:00 Sign 4: Feel crazy/ out of control.
25:00 ?
28:00 Conclusion
Thank you so much for teaching how to navigate these emotional waters . My life got improved listening to your important words. I am much more ready for the next day thanks to you! The fight for self-containment is real!
THIS. This video is a treasure, thank you so much.
Ugh, I’ve been that person who lets way too much ride on small interactions like finding out if someone wants to date! I love that you call out, “I will always be alone” is a response that loads the whole thing w pressure that is inappropriate. That is the gist, not your phrasing. This perspective, earlier in my life, might’ve emboldened me too, take more risks, because the perception of risk would have dropped. Your work is invaluable so of us. Thank you so much.
This explained kinda EVERY of my failed relationships in past three and a half years since I first started to express myself and left surface-level marriage (which also failed). Whoa thank you Heidi you are the best
Queen is back and rolling! ❤
seriously your channel made me feel all emotions that i have been unable to recognize or understand what is happening why am i hurt most of the time, your knowledge and the way you communicate is pure gold
I wish I'd seen this months ago, or years ago, would have helped.
It explains so much! I'm now going to proceed to stop blaming the other person and projecting my wounds and start working on myself
Starting to realise I have some form of Cinderella Syndrome, as well as Avoidant attachment (probably fearful or disorganised). It feels overwhelming to tackle alone, or even at all.
Brilliant, thank you. Dang you Brené Brown! I've been living by what you said for years! Lol
Learning when it is safe to be vulnerable is the most excruciating and difficult part of learning emotional intelligence when healing from emotional neglect in childhood. It has caused me so much fear and anxiety!!
But the thing that is most perplexing is that there are times when we absolutely need other people to depend on (especially when getting older in life), and when one of those situations happens it can lead to intense internal dissonance and panic.
My question is how do you ask for help in an appropriately vulnerable way??
I need this ingrained deep into my brain.
Heidi, I like your kind!! 🌺🌲🦋
Thanks for the advice on how to understand our attempts at vulnerability. I succeeded in being vulnerable at a support meeting and got shut down. Your talk just let me know that it's OK to see that experience as a learning one and move on. The people pleaser in me enjoys the thought that I don't always have to stand on vulnerability in relationships, however close they may seem.
This video is very much the way it is for me right now, and has been for a few months I think. It’s becoming unbearable at the moment with over sharing with another person. I’m very thankful I’ve found you and this video 🌟🤗🌟🤗
Heidi… I both hate and am deeply grateful for your videos. At the same time. Harsh truths…
Heidi is the best. And needs to be recognized for her incredible work and teaching skills. I am slowly getting better and improving but still need her videos and voice to stay on track. This needs to be taught in schools, we wouldn’t have so many f up people in the world.
Thank you Heidi for your videos. No therapist have ever explained it the way you do. And it’s a place of love and safety. I can understand why I have so many problems with people
Heidi, this information is so valuable. I'm discovering that there are some people (who in the past I have trusted) who are simply not capable of accepting my vulnerability.
In truthfullness, many other videos are helping, but after having trouble capitalizing on all this energy for writing and not actualy doing it, offereing a meteoric level thanks for this video's placing into words thoughts and feelings hindering that actual writing process.
Great video. I listened to all of Brene Browns books out walking and although I enjoyed them, I felt that that 'this' (Be Vulnerable!) was not the epiphany I personally needed. My conclusion was that I need to learn to protect myself, disguise my authentic reaction to bad news/rejection/exclusion and I need to learn not to over share............... but take risks knowing I can privately cope with outcome. It felt unbelievable to me that people needed to be encouraged to show vulnerability! But I took it to mean bravery in my case. Applying for jobs but learning not to overshare my disappointment when I was rejected. (I was). I'll keep going, keep trying. That's vulnerability but I'm not bringing others in to it.
OMG! This is so telling! Thank you for describing the dynamic so well! Now I see what I've been doing!
I feel like this video was made for this specific moment of my life...thank you so much for making this!
This video is really eye opening. I'm choosing to have compassion for myself for over-doing vulnerability. My mother always over shared with me and for the longest I unconsciously did the same. I think it's because I want to feel connected. I also see overdoing vulnerability come up when I reach out to people and they don't respond. Or don't respond how I wanted. Then those old rejection stories and feelings kick in. I'm going to journal and meditate. I'll reflect on the ways I've overdone vulnerability. I might be overdoing it with this comment. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for this Heidi. I needed this :)
Could you please share more videos on cultivating to integrate pain in our lives and to live in the present. I let my past govern my present and it really hampers my self worth.
Best video yet, Heidi. I have struggled with this. Thanks for the pointers
This is such a wonderful video made from such a compassionate place. Thank you. ❤
Thanks, Heide Priebe, for an amazing and elaborate explanation of "Overdoing" vulnerability. Could totally relate to it.
It hit me deeply when you spoke about the " At times the child within us, whose needs weren't met by parents/caretakers, looks for another parent-like person who is not vulnerable. The info was spot on.
Surprisingly, I have come across some adults(whose needs were unmet as children) taking up the role of a parent - as a survivor or narcissist getting attracted to over-vulnerable people.
This must be a dynamic.
.
Thank you Heidi this s so valuable!! I wish there was MORE content in the mainstream to add to the Brenee Brown story. Such a big piece here that’s missing from it
This is a supremely valuable video - thank you!
Holy moly. I have watched this video several times and have taken notes. I learned so much and can tell you how spot on you are with this. Now, if I can just internalize this asks not continue to make the same mistakes again. Thank you Heidi! ❤
Excellent as always! ✨️
I just recently came across your channel. I can’t stop watching (listening) your videos. My jaw seems to drop on the floor every time you say something that resonates haha this video especially hit me hard. I am literally dealing with this right now with a neighbor, who thankfully hasn’t seemed to be scared away yet as a possible friend lol but, in all seriousness, I definitely have overshared with him and although he responds politely and usually with some words of validation, I can definitely sense that I am leading the conversations and need to back off for a while. And like I said, I haven’t completely scared him off; we have plans next week. So, I’m going to use your advice and work on slowing the pace of over sharing and see if he becomes more open overtime to sharing his own vulnerabilities. THANK YOU FOR YOUR AMAZING WISDOM AND HELP!
Very excellent communication of an idea . Thanks for this video!
Thank you, this is excellent advice. I'm happy to notice that it's another area where I'm managing some increased integrity. It's hard and lonely, but the long-term result is more respect for, and trust in, myself. And, the right kind of people seem to be sticking around. But this information helps me reinforce improving habits, so thank you.
Great video. This was exactly the insight I was looking for.
We guys love you too Heidi!
I, and I’m sure others, appreciate the knowledge you dispense here on UA-cam. I have a therapist but I supplement what I learn from them with a lot of the tools you provide.
Your service is invaluable but here’s a token of thanks.🙏
LIke when writing to some official institution versus to talking to your doctor or a friend.
Wonderful channel, thanks for sharing all your knowlegde Heidi 🎉 Very insightful and well explained.
Yup. Thank you Heidi ❤
I like the way you explain me lol
You give me the words I’ve stuffed down for many years .. and how to correct it!!!
I needed this today.
Thank you for your videos.
They hit differently from the others I've watched. Much more personal.
Your making a difference.
❤
Simplify put, you are a genius! You have a unique gift to articulate the most difficult things ever! Love your videos, thank you!
Heidi, this is such an informative video, thank you so much for this. Also, can you please make a detailed video on healing from anxious attachment?
Once again you know just what I need to learn next.