Step 1: Admit that the break-up hurts ( betrayal) I've been separated from this person for 3 years now. I played hundreds of stories in my head about why this relationship ended. But ultimately, it was about crossing a boundary. This person cheated on me, and I made him decide whom to choose, and he chose the other person. That decision SHATTERED my heart into pieces. I was deeply hurt. We had bargaining moments (we met up several times), but he still didn't want me. After a year, I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship again. He told me he was already in love with someone else. Got my heart broken again. This is the real story. For the time in my life, I finally had the courage to share this. This is what happened, and it HURTS so bad. It made me scared to love again. Writing this down gave me a sense of hope. I am finally learning to stop making up nonsense stories about my past. I'm positive that this will be over soon and I can finally love again!
Being betrayed in this way is brutal and can take a year or two, sometimes more, to really recover from properly. When it happened to me, my entire worldview shifted permanently. It changed me in many, many ways. There is pain, there are some holdover defense mechanisms that are maybe suboptimal. But honestly overall I am without a doubt a much better, more complete, more useful and comtpetent and loving person for that learning experience. That’s what these things are. You cannot continue to look to the past. Pretty soon you will look back and realize that person was 1000% not meant for you, even if they had some qualities you liked. Don’t take this experience too personally, nothing really is.
@@spikestoyou I appreciate the acknowledgment that what happened to me was “brutal”. I’ve been gaslighting myself for so long, telling myself that “people had it worse” just to make myself feel better 😅 But then it took me the longest to heal! When I started accepting that what happened to me was probably one of the most painful experiences of my life, I began to heal… You’re right! I’m in a pretty good place now. I discovered so much about who I am as a person and currently still healing myself from the pains I discovered along the way. I’m grateful for this heartbreak because it showed me a lot of “cracks” I forced to forget! I guess now, I’m healing not only my heart but generations of trauma passed onto me 😅🥲 In the end, I can let THIS ALL go and all these hurt and sadness isn’t me anymore. It’s always a CHOICE, and I choose to be FREE and HAPPY now 🤩
I’ve also been cheated on but to be honest the only thing I can say is at least the other person told you the truth. My ex lied and tried to keep me as a back up for a year. And my biggest mistake is allowing it. I should’ve just walked away for good, but I let that happen to me… it won’t happen again
I identified with your story!! 3 years and I still haven't managed to get over it, I was betrayed, exchanged for another in less than 4 days. He knew that I was already depressed and never cared how I felt about all of this, I was humiliated by several of his actions. I started comparing myself, he made all our plans with this other person, trips, he never posted a photo with me and several with her, I had to see their romantic comments on Instagram. I wanted our reconciliation so much and he was always lying looking into my eyes. I no longer have contact with him or his family. This left deep marks on me, I will never be the same!! He never came after me, or asked if I was okay. There are people who have no character, they are so self-centered, narcissistic. Today I know that I would never go back to him (I already wanted that to happen), every day I still remember, but I hope that one day I won't even remember his existence!! I recognize your pain, I don't know when, but we'll be okay
I’m sorry that happened.. At least you have him an opportunity to choose you again.. I wish my ex would have allowed me to show her my changed behaviors before she made a permanent decision to move through. Well.. here we are in permanent no contact and moving through..
Heidi, I cannot stress this enough: This is one of the best channels in UA-cam and EVERYONE could benefit from watching your videos. Thank you for helping us through our struggles and pain, and reminding us there is hope.
Agreed. A year getting exposed to a friend-narcissist and discovering two major narcissism centered channels (Dr. Ramani and Dr. Les Carter); I had another round of narcissism injected into my life through a romantic relationship and needed deeper ideas around not just her, but me too. The way things are explained in this channel isn't just "feel good because you know the other person is evil," but who I am; what flaws are leading me into those interactions and how I'm not seeing through them. And how I can refine my thoughts and actions in a healthy and positive way without self doubt. The breakdown here is on par with the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." Reading that book explained me just almost as much as it explained my parents.
Reminder not to send this to your ex. . . . . It is best not to hope, but in reality the only hope is if you both grow independently and become secure, this may take years or never happen. If you are struggling right now, you must "kill the hope" and work on your own growth and the lessons you learned. In reality, the only hope you have is through growth, and ultimately, it is unlikely that the relationship will rekindle, but very likely you will enter into a healthier one if you grow and become secure. Love all of you.
The narcissist/borderline really makes the aftermath so much more difficult somehow. Even knowing you're better off without them. That toxic trauma bond holds you hostage.
I can relate, it's soo difficult. You know indeed that they are wrong, yet they are so intelligent to fill your needs and they also do projection. It confuses you a lot.
This video has great information. I would like to add something for Step 2- if someone isn’t not able to speak to the other person about what happened in the relationship, one suggestion I’d recommend is to write your response down on paper or electronically. You don’t have to give the response to the other person, it’s for you and your closure. That’s what helped me move on in my previous relationship. Hope this helps 🙂
you are so right. I have done just that. wrote him an honest and not in any way angry or negative letter and left it for him when he was away. Not that I was expecting a response but there was absolutely none. 0. and this was very telling in an of itself. he has to this day not take any accountability for his part of the breakdown of the relationship. I feel he always seems to play the hero in his mind and the other people as taking advantage of his "niceness", the truth being that he was/is very avoidant and could not engage the relationship on a deeper emotional level which created a huge rift and distance between us. he ended up silently "moving on" and emotionally cheating with someone he did not even know in person and ultimately when caught chose not to be with me. It hurt a lot to be betrayed and disrespected like that but I am definitely moving on, good days and bad days are normal. Keep your heads up everyone - love and value yourself before ANYONE ELSE. You are your own best friend and cheerleader. Don't seek validation from others, it's always conditional in the end.
Man. I went to therapy today and it was the biggest waste of time. Basically she told me I just needed to focus on myself and the future and what I can fix. True statements, but not what I needed to hear. I needed to hear THIS. Thank you for doing what you do.
Thanks Heidi. It’s been 8 years and I’m still really sad and depressed about my breakup. I think I’m messed up. I really did love her. At least I didn’t kill myself.
You messed up and you're sorry, you're just a human. I know it's hard but don't put any more weights on your shoulders about the situation. I believe you didn't ruin her life and she's probably fine now. Renauce this pain. Take care, Jeremiah
In regards to Step 2: If the ex IS a narcissist and is made aware of your inability to move on from them, there is a danger of them trying to manipulate you back into an unhealthy relationship that you had previously escaped from.
This has happened to me too. He has ghosted, canceled plans, had sex with me when coming back, showed up in public wherever i was & asked for me back, ignored me for days and weeks on end & when i just need attention and want to connect with him he argues with me! He says i am the problem. We only meet once a week for sex & then he leaves. He watches videos on his phone the whole time. I have to ask him to do small things for me because he is so unwilling on his own! It was the constant ignoring me & arguing with me that really made me want to separate from him. He was also keeping me a secret from his family because for some unknown reason his family decided they no longer like me. I have led the entire relationship because i always felt like he didn’t really wanna be with me. But we went to prom together in high school & he approached me and asked me & he pursued me. But after he felt he “had me” he stopped putting in effort. He acted like he didn’t have to date me or do anything nice for me in order for him to have me. I am a lonely person from time to time because i don’t have real true friends who are good to me. My only friend emily only shows up when she wants to & does small nice things for me and we talk well, she talks i listen. And she ignores me on text. She stopped contacting me. Her father told me I shouldn’t be her friend because she is a mean selfish and horrible person and the worst daughter he has out of all his daughters. And i found out he was right
I think I’m scared of moving on, so I’m holding on to positive and the negative memories , cause moving on means I have to feel it way deeper and take the shame and blame of my part in the relationship ending and how my attachment was triggered
I understand when you are coming from. A phrase/idea that hard helped me is Radical Forgiveness. I beat myself up for how I hurt my ex but I need to forgive myself no matter what.
"Until we name it & feel it & give ourselves the comfort we need around it, we are not going to get better from our pain. Do the secure thing; acknowledge that you felt it & acknowledge that you need to do something different." Yes, very powerful wisdom. Thank you. Heidi, this video is so helpful. The analysis that you bring to it is right on & very clear, reflecting on insecure attachment styled individuals having challenges with letting go of past relationships. Your videos are educational, supportive & inspiring. You make this information accessible in essential conceptual & detailed ways so that listener/viewers can understand its contents.
I’ll add my deep thanks to all the others. After all the stories I’ve been spinning, the examination and attempt to diagnose HIS problem, you brought me to a simple but painful truth. I loved somebody who didn’t love me back. He never claimed to, and the signs were everywhere, but I couldn’t accept this because I would have to let go. Finally I feel able to do so, and I feel such a sense of relief.
Your channel is the single most important channel to exist for me these 7 months since my break up. I can’t thank you enough, Heidi. I hope your channel grows to millions so everyone can learn to love themselves and others securely. ❤
This video is such a necessary topic, AND the video specifically about FAs having a hard time moving on is pure gold. Usually for me it's two things- both covered by Heidi and nowhere else, as far as I've seen: 1) The mountain of rage I'm stuck with at everything I gave to the relationship and never got back, only to be totally disregarded in the end 2) The fact I rarely connect with anyone enough to want to be in relationships at all, and once I do I feel an enormous sense of betrayal when it doesn't work out FORTUNATELY, attachment systems are not genetic defects. They can be healed, and I don't ever have to put myself in the position to feel this way again.
This is so true! I’m an FA and relationships ending for me are pretty detrimental because of what you mentioned. It’s ready hard to meet people. It can be very disempowering
i literally finished this video, wrote down everythign that happened as if it was captured by a camera, went to touch grass a bit, and then started bawling my eyes out. it's my birthday too and ive been sitting ruminating for the past 4 months post BU, very sad and lonely but thinking soooo much about how the other person is doing, stlaking and researching things to undesand her better, it was my coping mechanism to not let go. i think this is my first day finally moving on.
@@russ123321bunya kind of better. i've stopped stalking her for a little over 2 months now so i haven't learned anythingnew about her, last i checked she was in a new relationship so it hurts to think about that buti've accepted it and just reminding myself that she is not "the one". anyways, there are good days and bad days but i was head over heels for this girl so it's only normal. i've learned self compassion, probably the best lesson in this process, although sometimes i get really frustrated about still thinking about her and us when it gets quiet. i just meditate and try and self regulate when that happens. for context we were together 3y and i wanted to marry her so it's taking more time than usual because of my level of commitment i think. so, 7months post bu and im definitely better but not yet where i want to be. what about you?
What do you do when you don't know why they left and they won't explain what happened? I'm stuck with confusion and no answers. No closure. It's hard for my brain to let go without reason.
This video just healed years of pain I’ve been experiencing by ruminating & romanticizing certain relationships in my life. Thank you for explaining this so clearly & eloquently 💖
One of the toughest ruminations I’ve ever endured was the one that cruel when I couldn’t see it. I saw the root causes of their pain and empathized myself to emotional destruction. The halo effect is a real thing when you’re not taking care of yourself emotionally, but selfish empathy is also very real and very risky. I call it ‘selfish empathy’ because the empathy becomes the catalyst for eternal rumination, the remnants of an emotional connection that I still had that she, clearly, did not, but I couldn’t release due to the ‘soul compatibility’ I’d incorrectly assigned to our connection. When you give something too much more value than it can be assigned, you pay a much higher price to let it go.
That’s so true. I felt we had a deeper bond that we actually did, even though he fed all these dreams of “growing old together” and actually in the early stages of buying a home together. Now I see that he can’t commit to anyone except dysfunctionally. He has now gone back to a toxic relationship with his second ex wife and it hurts like efffff. But as long as I keep admitting the reality of the situation to myself, and my own doubts which I dismissed because of my anxious attachment I know I can get past this.
@@elizabethchewter3532 I know what you mean. In my case, my childhood traumas have dictated a lot of my worst relationship mistakes. You’ll be alright. Time actually helps but only if we see why we got into it. I have to track the origins of my errors. Without that, I’m just a repeat martyr for my own cause.
It makes more and more sense to me that missing a person is actually a bad sign. the ppl i've missed usually where the ones that hurt me. but hearing that explanation about the unanswered questions and making up own explanations etc it makes sense. when there's good communication and mututal respect engaging and disengaging comes easy. but if someone plants the seed of doubt my mind goes crazy and i become unhealthy.
This. When you don't understand it. When there have been "games" and a lot of on the bus / off the bus / push / pull. When they say they love you and that they're addicted to you, but they still push you away and tell you that they don't want a relationship. These are by far the hardest things to detach from, even when you logically know it's terrible for you and there's a wealth of evidence supporting that conclusion. Time will still heal it though. Do your best to distract yourself and have faith that every day that goes by will improve the situation.
7 years later from its 2016 release I'm still reading "This Is Me Letting You Go", I remember I bought the book when I was working a miserable call centre job and in-between calls I'd read your Thought Catalog articles. So many amazing essays that I still read all the time. My favourite chapters are 'If You Didn't Get a Good Morning Text" and "The Truth About Meeting People at the Wrong Time". I need a sequel but for now, your videos are holding me down. I recently found your channel and it took me back to my teen years when I avidly read your TC articles.❤
Almost 2 weeks ago I woke up with such a overwhelming fear and anxiety and a deep seated feeling that I'm so DEEPLY in the wrong place in my life. I've been learning a lot of things on this channel, and a lot of things by journaling. I feel like I've been asleep for the last decade of myself. I'm realizing just how much my life has been organized around self-hate and that I'm a monster that needs to push their needs away and focus on being of service to others. Now it's all fallen apart, in a good way. I've woken up, and I have your channel to thank for a lot of knowledge that is helping me realize my problem areas and how I need to move in the relationships in my life.
This blew my mind. I’ll be saving this to help me recall the difference between the painful truth and the idyllic story. I’ve isolated myself from other women, from vulnerability, from sex and love, because the story of loss is somehow easier to avoid again than dissecting the truth and feeling the pain. The story has been amorphous, evolving into something unreal to fit an ideal that never did and never could exist. Worse, I jumped headlong into another relationship before I could sit with and address the pain of the truth. That relationship failed because I wasn’t emotionally available. I was a martyr to my story of loss. Clearly, I love an ideal which never truly existed. I fabricated a mystical bliss, to which no other woman can compare, because it’s easier than sitting in pain with the truth.
I have been doing this same cycle for 4 years now, always lying to myself and how I wasn't enough for her and how she abandoned me. I realize now listening and meditating your wisdom, I wasn't my fault and it wasn't hers... the love we had for eachother it now permanently over and I just have to pick myself up and walk away from that. Thank you Heidi, you greatly helped lessen my internal pain/anguish.
Found it very powerful that it is the stories I told myself (positive abd negative) that are keeping me tied to the past. And that first I need to just let them go and feel the pain. That there is only the truth and how that made me feel. Thank you.
I love how this channel passively forces me to sit with the pain that come with the truth. Doing so turns that pain into compassion towards others and myself. Honesty gives me the power I let go of so early on back. Thank you Heidi ❤
You have totally nailed exactly how I feel, especially in those weird 'situationships' that aren't really relationships, and they are so painful...even when in them, I use linmerance (as I now realise) to comfort myself!! So I'm going direct to the source of the pain, which is from childhood...but ik no longer 'blaming' the other , I'm taking responsibility for the 1st time...healing is slow!!
Thanks for the info Heidi. In a no contact situation at the moment. There was a lot of confusion, but also some unknown clarity surrounding my situation. I can only control myself and my actions. 4 months of personal change and healing has brought me personal peace. I do not feel the need to look for closure or why the relationship dropped like it did. My Self-love and peace is what is most important to me now. Much love to you all. 💚
Thank you for finally explaining why I suffer so much several years later after a couple of long-term relationships ended. Boy did I fill in the gaps with "stories." The truth is they were both narcissists that were emotionally abusive to me for decades. The stories I made up in my head were mostly that they cared about me and how wonderful they were so I should overlook their horrid behavior.
I really hate when people use the word "narcissist" these days. It truly comes across as a "Get-Out-Of-Responsibility" card. Of course there are people that are true narcissists, but there are also people that do narcissistic things. A great comment was that "Everybody has a little bit of narcissist in them". It's become a labeling word that is used to dismiss the person and banish them this absolving the user of any further responsibility to look inward or to examine self. Running around casting that word haphazardly has done a great disservice to those that actually do struggle with a narcissist. I was labeled a narcissist probiotics and she even told the judge I struggle with " "Narcissistic Behavior Disorder" even though that's never been a thing in my life. I went so far as to ask my own therapist that could possibly be an issue in my life and they said that narcissism is SO on the other end of the spectrum of what I'm actually struggling with.... That doesn't mean I haven't made mistakes so that I haven't done foolish or selfish actions, but IT DOES mean that ALL of my decisions and behaviors are NOT motivated from a narcissistic center and that it is actually defamatory and slanderous to accuse another of such.
Honestly, you're changing my life. The way you phrase and explain things just causes something to click in my brain. It's the combination of actual real life examples, structured steps and the air of "I'm also figuring it out" that resonates. Thank you so much
Needed to hear this. I feel like also when things don’t work out exactly as you mapped out it in your head it makes it so hard move on and you over analyze every interaction and moment to see how you might have read things wrong. This also goes for friendships. 2023 was a hard year for me and I spent a lot of time trying to continuous bring up new talking points and make up all these scenarios of conversations I would have with the ppl who betrayed me this year. All together just caused me more harm than good.
I spent days praying for God to give me wisdom and guidance about my ruminations and my decision to go no contact with my ex. At the end of it all, I found this video. I listened to the middle bit (about turning to your ex to murder the ruminations) over an over. Well here we are, one phone call later and the ruminations are dead. I won’t be able to be friends with her for a long time (if ever), but I’m happy to say my ex and I are now on good terms. I found the closure I needed; it feels like a massive weight has been lifted. Thanks Heidi!
I finally understand why relationships ending have been so traumatising for me, I wish I understood this years ago. Thank you for your clear explanations!
This really hurts to think about but I needed to hear it. She was everything I had ever wanted, literally everything I'd dreamed of, so I wanted it to work more than anything. I didn't see that I was putting my own growth on hold to try keep status quo. I also didn't see that she was never going to commit to me, she held me at arms length the entire time and was never going to move forwards. I thought somehow things would work out with time. She hid me from people and eventually left me for someone else. It caused me a huge amount of self doubt. It caused me to look at how much was wrong in my life and how much I needed to fix, at first I thought I could win her back with change and improvement. The concrete reality was that it was never going to be me. I don't know for certain what her reasoning was because she never actually told me, but the truth was that we were both not right for each other. She wasn't looking for someone like me and may have just been trying to fill a gap after having moved country after a breakup. I was still broken (and still am) and needing to work on myself. I've been doing that and also trying to leave the thought of her behind because she didn't help with any closure. I'm still hurting so badly and have daily breakdowns though. Posting this is a step in trying to accept that, that we were both at fault, in different ways. She was everything I'd ever wanted, I wasn't ready for a healthy relationship and I couldn't be a _good_ partner. I was not everything she wanted and she hurt me and it makes me feel used whether she intended that or not. She hurt me badly and I need to stop hoping that something can still work out.
Oh man. Thank you so much for your content, Heidi. This is really helpful on this actual day. I have been fluctuating between being okay and then revisiting pain - self blaming, filled with regret, shame, guilt, and wishing impossible things. I have been beating up on myself for my fearful avoidant ways ruined everything. Thank you ❤
Yup I was honest and truthful in a mature manner and I was met with defense, belittled, insulted, and then blocked smh it’s very hurtful especially when someone diminishes your hurt and also the relationship that you had with them. It came off very cruel.
Same here. I was more than mature and tolerant and remained a real man for her to turn to. But she just wanted to ruin the relationship and blame me. She's a monster. She treated me with utter contempt. She never had anyone as good as me. Now she's already in another relationship and it won't last because she can't change. What is wrong with these people?
going thru this right now and trying to let go of someone - I'm seeing the reason why I want to stay tied to this person and keep telling the stories to myself is, if I let go, then I'm alone and there's no one else there with me - that is what I'm arriving at... so settling with just being alone even though I don't want to be, I'm seeing I need to allow this in and feel it
So much great insight. Thank you. Being so vulnerable in front of an emotional abuser/ghoster seems self sacrificial. I dont feel safe emotionally around her.
You have finally pointed out to me what is REALLY going on. I am going through a breakup and my stories have clouded the issue. Thank you so much. I know now that I just have to feel the pain for the moment, and that it will get better if I can address that one issue. Wow. Powerful af.
Thank you, Heidi! This was definitely helpful; it was the first time anyone has explained the difference between being insecure or not after a heartbreak. Literally yesterday, after seeing my ex in the car with her new boyfriend, one of my thoughts was "I want to understand why this hurt me so much." I think the difference between me and my ex is that she is secure and I am insecure, so the 'betrayal' and all those stories I've been ruminating on for over 2 months hurt a lot more than the "clean pain" you mentioned. So thanks again!
This is literally everything I needed! Sometimes I forget when I am in a crisis state how to take care of myself so I made an "***SOS*** playlist I could save this video to. In doing this I'm making sure I make a promise to take care of my inner child when things get tough and I get scared or don't know what to do. Now I know where to go to remember HOW I can protect and help my inner child. Thank you so much for your videos they have literally been a life savior!
I never heard it explained like this. I really needed it. I had already 23:20 realized I was wasting time & emotion on how I thought it was going to be/“meant” to be. I’d not realized I’d distracted myself w/the stories, instead of acknowledging I’m hurt.Thank you so much!
It feels freeing to let go of stories and constant analyzing of what went wrong, who is to blame, why, what is the real Truth, and instead recognize, name and let myself feel the hurt, or whatever emotions it is, without also trying to analyze whether that is the "right" thing to feel and maybe I "should" have been more grown version of myself to not feel it. In reality, my inner child and vulnerable parts did feel the pain from them not texting me often, sending emojis, being hung up on ex, being close to the others guys, almost falling asleep during sex, telling that I might not be enough for her family and thus for her, not replying when I said something nice to her, not saying nice things to me, not validating me even when I communicated that I would like some validation from time to time, being late, which all of these things made me feel like I was not the priority, telling mw straight that I am not the priority but our project, ignoring my touch, not touching me back when I touched her, not paying attention when something was important for me, leaving me with a text message, not rispectint my house by changing order of thing, not listening to my concerns about attavhement theory...These might be small things, and I might not be ready for any relationship, because these kinds of things hurt me too much, but in reality they did, and I am still hurting, even if it is not logical or justified or I am too much or I require too much or whatever. It just hurt. And made me too anxious. And alone. And misunderstood. It feels like I miss a piece from my chest like it is hollow. And I miss what could have been, but I don't miss how I felt with you. Breadcrumbs of affection and intimacy felt good bcs I felt like you were better than me and I got so little compared what were my real and true needs.
I think some times we look at others and ask “what’s their problem?” with bitterness. Now I try to look at them and I ask “I wonder what happened that caused them to behave like that?” with compassion. We all want our mistakes understood because “hey... I’m only human”. So shouldn’t we should extend that to others?
I’ve started to do this too! Well it doesn’t excuse how people behave, having an understanding of their pain or at least trying to is, in my opinion, much more “interesting” and better. Everyone wants to be understood and heard.
And yes, the limerence video is amazing. Once again, it brought me so much freedom so difficult for me to listen to which I did about 20 times. But then came the freedom of spotting the thought process and releasing it by with love & compassion
Heidi, you are amazing. I was in a very dark place after a toxic relationship. I watched your videos over and over until it resonated. Then If I fell back into old patterns I would watch again. I am now back to my healthy self where I have boundaries and I am happy in a new relationship. I cannot thank you enough!
Absolutely one of the most important channels on the topic!!! Always feel slapped in the face with what one needs to hear instead what one wants to hear after listening to you! 😊❤️
This video came at the perfect time. Im dealing with dumpers regret but I had to remember to tell myself "The Truth" of how I acted in the relationship and how my ex acted as well. People always tend to blame and manipulate the story but you also have understand the things you did wrong too. Its painful but helps with self closure. As for speaking with my ex - Id love to tell her all the realisations Ive had and Id love to express my mind to her but she is now with someone else so that door is closed until she is ready.
2 types of pain, insecure pain and secure pain: Insecure pain: the real stuff that went wrong in the relationship, this must be overcome with goals and plans. Grow yourself and create better boundaries. Secure pain: Missing the connection. You must face this with real vulnerability the way this video describes, sit with your child and be honest.
I cannot thank you enough for this video. I was telling myself so many different stories because I was too stubborn to face the truth that my ex and I just weren’t compatible. Thank you.
Locate the pain.. tell the truth.. brave the rejection ... find if there's compatibility.. building the future... ❤❤❤ grow mature be s strong human adult.
Heidi, thank you for sharing your insight and being so genuine and vulnerable. I feel like you do such a great job at pointing out objective truths but integrating them with emotion to point out the blind spots we all carry. I’m also a paraprofessional with a background of over 10 years. As a man, I’m still dealing with healing from my past experiences and working on self growth and bettering myself. I just want you to know how much I appreciate your style of thought.
The "making up a million stories" is so true. Same as "Today she's the problem and the root of all evil, tomorrow I'm the problem and a bad person" mind-set. I had a falling out with my best friend last year. She felt real hurt because I didn't give her the attention she was used too, I was confused because I knew she knew I was very busy and had a lot on my plate at that time, so why are you angry? She became more and more frustrated, because I didn't see her pain. I became more and more frustrated, because I didn't understand it. And at some point she exploded and I went into full defense mode. The friendship ended there. Now, a year later, I'm still thinking about it. Going in circles again and again. "Was this and that a red flag?" "is she the problem?" "am I the problem?" "But I did--" "But she did--" it is maddening. These video's really put things into perspective. Thank you so much
You are so helpful! I'm suffering extreme emotional pain. But I have not been respected in the relationship and I need to learn boundaries. I am very wounded 😢
Thank you, Heidi, for stressing this issue. I, too, ruminated a lot about my past. I am learning to let go. We are extremely fortunate to live in this time. Dr. Eger said, "We are both Hitler and Mother Teresa." If our parents know how to heal and help themselves, and us, they would have not repeated that mistakes. They probably experienced traumas too. Many psycho therapists tend to teach us to be a victim but don't teach us to be compassionate and forgiving. Many NDE experiencers testified we have past lives and we come back to balance them. I have watched several of your UA-cam videos and found that you are level-headed, well articulated, and knowledgeable. Playing a victim is not fun because it will keep us in that vibration. As a result, we land and attract similar circumstances. Worse yet, we will poison our body due to our thoughts.
It is so hard to come to terms with the fact that we just weren't compatible. It's such a hollow and boring answer compared to all of the fantasies, stories, and rationalizations. All of that drama and pain ended not in a bang, but a whisper. So anticlimactic. It's hard to acknowledge this obvious truth but this video helps. Thank you Heidi.
Thank you SO much!! I really needed to hear this! I just ended an online only friendship bc the other person was disassociating from reality into some kind of fantasy relationship. When I stated my boundaries earlier and reminded them. He replied with disrespect and gaslighting. I’m self-caring today.
I loved this! In august after many months of what ifs I sat down and told someone all my feelings for them and how long I had had them and how much it had hurt when they had been triggered and shut down and you know what? He remained very closed off and cold. But it’s like you said, all the what ifs were murdered and I could stop telling myself all these stories and possibilities. It still sucked and hurt but it was a turning point toward healing. Thank you for your channel.
Girl your videos are so amazing. I’ve struggled living in the stories I make up in my mind, but as I’ve watched your videos and studied up on attachment styles these past couple weeks, I’ve become so much more aware and am working on my relationship with myself ❤
Hi Heidi, your videos help me so much to reflect and grow, they have lead to quite a few lightbulb moments! Thank you for sharing your own growth and insights with us ❤
The value in this is so great that it’s difficult to describe. I’m requesting that you consider doing a lecture about which differences between people make for true incompatibility as partners based on patterns in the literature or your personal practice. It’s vital to learn the difference between true incompatibility versus blocks in the ability of one or both to compromise or be appropriately vulnerable in the absence of stories eg the nonuse of superficial imposition of propaganda so feelings based on truths can be shared understood and analyzed. *Your emphasis on looking at specific actions and the feelings that result is essential*. Labels are irrelevant if a pattern of behavior results in a pattern of emotional or physical feelings that is harmful.
I just discovered your channel and boy I’m sooo glad I did. I love the way you explain things it’s so simple to understand and grasp and implement. I accidentally did what you said in the video and at first it hurt it felt like someone stabbed me when I exposed the truth…but after there was this immense freedom and letting go of dead weight… anywho thanks a ton!
Just hit the acceptance stage after mourning followed by what you said exactly “painting a villain”. Flip flopping back and forth on who was the villain.
I've been struggling with getting over her for nearly 6 years. The truth is, deep down I want to live my life with her and it hurts me so much that isn't an option. What can be done to end this nightmare? Thank you for this video. I will continue to study it.
I have been doing this for past 6 months and have been struggling to move on and let go. This is has been extremely helpful and finally i believe i will be able to take a step in the right direction to move on and let go.
I've just realized I've always been a FA and never personally noticed it until adulthood, and my last relationship which was so long ago exacerbated it tenfold. My emotions and the stories have been just festering for so long and it's turned me into such a venomous person. My heart keeps using a single situation as a basis for how I feel about everything, and this is the first true help I've got, and this is actually something I just realized I can't keep brushing off there are some real things I need to address you've opened the perfect path for me thank you I really appreciate it really
I can definitely see the benefit from this video. Very relatable definitely more beneficial to acknowledge the truth then just our biased stories we create in our own minds. Thank you Heidi.
Omg Heidi ❤this is amazing. I’ve done this is the past but still fell into the trap of not feeling all the closure pain. And I LOVE the comparison of healthy relationship closure: This makes it clear to me how healing the insecure attachment will bring me joy and freedom . I can’t thank you enough for these videos. You’ve changed my life so much for the better.
I had a situationship end and I was heartbroken, but we parted ways on the best terms I could possibly ask for. He was kind and compassionate, even after he checked in with me a few weeks later, he validated the narrative I had of what happened between us, it was pure relief knowing there wasn't any distortions, that I had the reality, that I could trust that reality. I didn't have any 'what ifs.' I knew it was going to trigger me a lot when he moved on, so I asked for gentleness in how I found out about a new relationship. I guess I didn't communicate that directly enough. He got a new girlfriend, and it was on social media. I thought hey, instead of stewing about it and coming up with stories like I usually do, I thought I would talk to him directly and say hey, this hurt me, we had this conversation too. I came on pretty strong in my emotive language, and he responded to me bluntly and with a coldness I'd never heard from him before. He suggested I just block him and it ended with him saying, "That's all I have to say on the matter." Then he blocked me. That was 2 months ago now, and I'm still ruminating. Not on the relationship, but on the ending. It felt like it ruined everything. It's just always hanging in the back of my mind. I like my present, I'm excited for my future, I genuinely love being me, I have good weeks, then somehow he pops up somewhere online and it brings up all the feelings again. I'm so stuck on the why why why. Why did he have to be cold? Does he hate me? Does he really just not care about me at all anymore? Was it my fault? Why do I still feel SO hurt and when will that hurt leave? When will I stop thinking about him? When will I stop having flashbacks that bring up this panic? Why can't I just accept it and move on!? My brain thinks to move on I need the closure from him to soothe the wound, but I need to give myself closure. I've had so many moments I get in touch with the pain and feel it and cry, but then I cycle back to rumination again. But I can't touch the emotion everyday, because then I just won't function. I need to work, write, play. How much do I have to feel it? I've even had so much healing in my relationship with my mother which is where a lot of this originated from. Anyway, I hope nobody reads this, just need to put this somewhere.
I read it and appreciate it as I am also feeling a lot and it's hard to do that while continuing on with a routine. I've come to realize however that I've I don't feel this now, my pain may last longer than it needs to. I hope you are getting closer to feeling better.
Yep. Not sure why some people stay trapped in a whirlpool of misery but I am one of them. I know I need to generate my own worthiness so that rejection is survivable but it just never happens. I feel like I am lying to myself every time I try to say something positive about myself. If I feel that way then I'm obviously not believing it and if I'm not believing it then it's not taking root and if it's not taking root then things aren't changing... I am tired.
I've read this with my heart open for you. Pain is a lot to handle. Loss is a lot to handle. I've never been very good at letting things go. I do my best though. I hope your healing journey is soon complete.
This explains my endless rumination perfectly. And why why ex grieved normally while I easily threw her aside only to feel like I had my heart torn out once she had moved on. I can't stand this rumination and how I make up endless stories about how the present doesn't live up to the past.
So much advice out there around this topic advocates for either a) bypassing the hurt completely by putting the whole thing out of your mind (ie you are better off without them) or b) putting the whole thing in the center of your awareness (ie staring at the stories, examining how they relate to childhood trauma and loss, and having to understand them in order to move forward. This approach is SO much better than either. I really love the phrase 'clean pain'. It's such a good mantra to remind us what we should be feeling, and helping us to recognise when story is creeping in. I had to watch this one a few times to hear the full message but I now realise I had been using story and memories and 'meaning' to bypass the pain. The pain is actually really simple to work with - just feel it cleanly, and dedicate yourself to never abandoning it.
Wow 5 months into the separation between my ex wife and myself after being married for 15 yrs and together for 25, I really needed to hear this. I’ve listened to a lot of letting go vids on you tube but this one is definitely up there in the top 2 I’ve listened to. You gave me so much insight into the work I need to do to move on. I’m was still attached to the stories I had made up about her and our relationship even though it was over and it clearly wasn’t working. New subscriber here and thankyou ❤️
I'm feeling the pain, for sure! We talked about our problems and why they happened, and one truth was very clear. However, this pain brought to the surface all the other wounds I didn't work on. Thank you! Now I have the change to do that!
Heidi, I want to express my gratitude for you being open to share your knowledge towards insecure attachment. This is a subject underestimated for most ppl, including myself before finding out about your channel. I am finally able to see the reality of it and understand that there is nothing wrong with me and that anything that needs to be improved is within ourselves, we just need to have a dedication to move forward. No more numbness, no more self-judgment. Now is about developing our relationship with ourselves and be our best friend. Thank you for all these videos.
I been divorced 20 years and just now reflecting back to what caused it. It's in my mind a lot lately. I want to move past this tired of going over and over it. Our relationship is finished he remarried time for me to start a new relationship with knowing what I do the next time and that's communicate my feelings. I proud that I didn't tolerate the behavior nor will I ever. Our problem was neither discussed what we want from a partner. We couldn't give each other what the other wanted. It happens I just make sure not in the next relationship. Got to release the pain and move on. Thank you for this video.
Sometimes the pain is so great that you have to take a little step back, put on some music and sing at the top of your lungs and dance. That time for me is right now.😅
I’ve known the answer(s) (aka truth) for “a long” time. Logistically (& spiritually) I have approached my failed marriage - that I’m still in, mostly a money thing - in the way of this video. However, I fail at it in reality… all the time. Then, the stories run off the rails. I guess I’m trying to say, this was spot on. I’ve already begun to be more honest with myself. I just hope I can continue when we’re in each other’s company. As heartbreaking as it is, I hope that we can move on (i.e., selling the house & making a break) soon - as planned. It’s been far overdue. Thank you for crystallizing it for me.
Nice video. I have a friend who still ruminates A LOT about a relationship 5 years later. She thinks that they developed something so especial and unique and it's THE match, that no one ever understands her like he did. I feel sorry for. And also I'm starting to get annoyed. Never gonna send this video to her, bc she thinks they developed a real bond, secure and all, but it's not.
Hi Heidi, this video is so insightful. Thank you! I have been ruminating weeks and weeks while still being in a break up (not being able to do it cleanly). I was so stressed and anxious all the time. I could not even feel the pain or cannot cry a single tear. But your video gave me a bit of release and direction where to work on. "What happened hurts." Such a powerful phrase.
I messaged him the last time and told him what he did was wrong and how I was wrong for fully trusting his lies. I told him how devastated I am for his betrayal and how it caused me so much pain that it manifests on my physical health. Sadly, I did not get a respond. I think that was already the closure for me. Thank you for this, I will try to follow the advice here and hope it will help. It was a just week after I ended things with him. Am still crying a lot. :( I cannot wait for this to be over soon.
@@Crystalbomb321Thanks! That was the last message I sent. I no longer care about him. Crying so much and feeling miserable wore off in less than a month. Evil man doesn’t deserve more of my tears. :)
Heidi, I really wish I could put into words how amazing your channel is. The work you are doing is so pure and selfless, and its gives me so much truth and hope. You are an angel, and a spirit guide. Thank you so much. A million blessings to you and your family for generations to come!
Thank you Heidi, this has really helped me... I've been avoiding my feelings for my relationship ending by trying to figure out why it did, and coming up with stories that created more pain. During watching this video I just sat in the pain instead of trying to work it all out and I felt calm, upset but calm.
Heidi, I am so glad to have found your channel. I am 56 and going through a tough breakup and the "stories" are definitely keeping me stuck. Thank you for these helpful steps, an honest approach, and for your gentleness. You are sharing amazing wisdom and content. Thank you again. Karen
Step 1: Admit that the break-up hurts ( betrayal)
I've been separated from this person for 3 years now. I played hundreds of stories in my head about why this relationship ended. But ultimately, it was about crossing a boundary. This person cheated on me, and I made him decide whom to choose, and he chose the other person. That decision SHATTERED my heart into pieces. I was deeply hurt. We had bargaining moments (we met up several times), but he still didn't want me. After a year, I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship again. He told me he was already in love with someone else. Got my heart broken again.
This is the real story. For the time in my life, I finally had the courage to share this. This is what happened, and it HURTS so bad. It made me scared to love again.
Writing this down gave me a sense of hope. I am finally learning to stop making up nonsense stories about my past. I'm positive that this will be over soon and I can finally love again!
Being betrayed in this way is brutal and can take a year or two, sometimes more, to really recover from properly. When it happened to me, my entire worldview shifted permanently. It changed me in many, many ways. There is pain, there are some holdover defense mechanisms that are maybe suboptimal. But honestly overall I am without a doubt a much better, more complete, more useful and comtpetent and loving person for that learning experience. That’s what these things are. You cannot continue to look to the past. Pretty soon you will look back and realize that person was 1000% not meant for you, even if they had some qualities you liked. Don’t take this experience too personally, nothing really is.
@@spikestoyou I appreciate the acknowledgment that what happened to me was “brutal”.
I’ve been gaslighting myself for so long, telling myself that “people had it worse” just to make myself feel better 😅 But then it took me the longest to heal! When I started accepting that what happened to me was probably one of the most painful experiences of my life, I began to heal…
You’re right! I’m in a pretty good place now. I discovered so much about who I am as a person and currently still healing myself from the pains I discovered along the way. I’m grateful for this heartbreak because it showed me a lot of “cracks” I forced to forget! I guess now, I’m healing not only my heart but generations of trauma passed onto me 😅🥲
In the end, I can let THIS ALL go and all these hurt and sadness isn’t me anymore. It’s always a CHOICE, and I choose to be FREE and HAPPY now 🤩
I’ve also been cheated on but to be honest the only thing I can say is at least the other person told you the truth. My ex lied and tried to keep me as a back up for a year. And my biggest mistake is allowing it. I should’ve just walked away for good, but I let that happen to me… it won’t happen again
I identified with your story!! 3 years and I still haven't managed to get over it, I was betrayed, exchanged for another in less than 4 days. He knew that I was already depressed and never cared how I felt about all of this, I was humiliated by several of his actions. I started comparing myself, he made all our plans with this other person, trips, he never posted a photo with me and several with her, I had to see their romantic comments on Instagram. I wanted our reconciliation so much and he was always lying looking into my eyes. I no longer have contact with him or his family. This left deep marks on me, I will never be the same!! He never came after me, or asked if I was okay. There are people who have no character, they are so self-centered, narcissistic. Today I know that I would never go back to him (I already wanted that to happen), every day I still remember, but I hope that one day I won't even remember his existence!! I recognize your pain, I don't know when, but we'll be okay
I’m sorry that happened.. At least you have him an opportunity to choose you again.. I wish my ex would have allowed me to show her my changed behaviors before she made a permanent decision to move through. Well.. here we are in permanent no contact and moving through..
Don't be afraid to start over again, because this time you 're not starting from scratch.... You're starting from experience!
O don’t seem to learn anything I keep failing at picking them
It’s exhausting
I love this!
The experience is going to make it almost impossible for me to trust after what I went through...
Yeah this is very wise, thank you!
Heidi, I cannot stress this enough: This is one of the best channels in UA-cam and EVERYONE could benefit from watching your videos. Thank you for helping us through our struggles and pain, and reminding us there is hope.
My thoughts exactly
YES, YES, YES;100%%%!!!
AGREED!!!!
Agreed. A year getting exposed to a friend-narcissist and discovering two major narcissism centered channels (Dr. Ramani and Dr. Les Carter); I had another round of narcissism injected into my life through a romantic relationship and needed deeper ideas around not just her, but me too. The way things are explained in this channel isn't just "feel good because you know the other person is evil," but who I am; what flaws are leading me into those interactions and how I'm not seeing through them. And how I can refine my thoughts and actions in a healthy and positive way without self doubt. The breakdown here is on par with the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." Reading that book explained me just almost as much as it explained my parents.
Thank you for your work and Passion Heidi !!!! 👑🫡💎. I agree with this comment.
"Murder the what-ifs" is one I'm going to take and use for everything now. I absolutely love it.
True ❤
Reminder not to send this to your ex.
.
.
.
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It is best not to hope, but in reality the only hope is if you both grow independently and become secure, this may take years or never happen. If you are struggling right now, you must "kill the hope" and work on your own growth and the lessons you learned. In reality, the only hope you have is through growth, and ultimately, it is unlikely that the relationship will rekindle, but very likely you will enter into a healthier one if you grow and become secure. Love all of you.
The narcissist/borderline really makes the aftermath so much more difficult somehow. Even knowing you're better off without them. That toxic trauma bond holds you hostage.
Agreed
Yup. It's not even about being hurt cuz you miss them. It's literally wanting everything you gave them back.
@@jessebradford7130THIS💜
I enjoy the songs I wrote about her, I wouldn't take that back, this plus knowledge on how to pick better, it's the silver lining of the whole thing
I can relate, it's soo difficult. You know indeed that they are wrong, yet they are so intelligent to fill your needs and they also do projection. It confuses you a lot.
“Nothing heals from a place of invulnerability.” Beautifully articulated ❤
Yes!!!!
This video has great information. I would like to add something for Step 2- if someone isn’t not able to speak to the other person about what happened in the relationship, one suggestion I’d recommend is to write your response down on paper or electronically. You don’t have to give the response to the other person, it’s for you and your closure. That’s what helped me move on in my previous relationship. Hope this helps 🙂
you are so right. I have done just that. wrote him an honest and not in any way angry or negative letter and left it for him when he was away. Not that I was expecting a response but there was absolutely none. 0. and this was very telling in an of itself. he has to this day not take any accountability for his part of the breakdown of the relationship. I feel he always seems to play the hero in his mind and the other people as taking advantage of his "niceness", the truth being that he was/is very avoidant and could not engage the relationship on a deeper emotional level which created a huge rift and distance between us. he ended up silently "moving on" and emotionally cheating with someone he did not even know in person and ultimately when caught chose not to be with me. It hurt a lot to be betrayed and disrespected like that but I am definitely moving on, good days and bad days are normal. Keep your heads up everyone - love and value yourself before ANYONE ELSE. You are your own best friend and cheerleader. Don't seek validation from others, it's always conditional in the end.
Man. I went to therapy today and it was the biggest waste of time. Basically she told me I just needed to focus on myself and the future and what I can fix. True statements, but not what I needed to hear. I needed to hear THIS. Thank you for doing what you do.
Yeah, between Heidi and Kyle Cease, therapy can’t compete.
I saw 5 therapists last year and those two channels have progressed me WAY more
try someone else! My girl is literally like this woman but in real life. your therapist should know these concepts! A lot do.
Thanks Heidi. It’s been 8 years and I’m still really sad and depressed about my breakup. I think I’m messed up. I really did love her. At least I didn’t kill myself.
Hang in there Jeremiah
You messed up and you're sorry, you're just a human. I know it's hard but don't put any more weights on your shoulders about the situation. I believe you didn't ruin her life and she's probably fine now. Renauce this pain. Take care, Jeremiah
Yet... I know. Everyday is a struggle...
@@victorcraraujo
He didn't say he messed up - he said he IS messed up.
I’m so sorry
In regards to Step 2:
If the ex IS a narcissist and is made aware of your inability to move on from them, there is a danger of them trying to manipulate you back into an unhealthy relationship that you had previously escaped from.
My ex does this everytime I try to leave.
This has happened to me too. He has ghosted, canceled plans, had sex with me when coming back, showed up in public wherever i was & asked for me back, ignored me for days and weeks on end & when i just need attention and want to connect with him he argues with me! He says i am the problem. We only meet once a week for sex & then he leaves. He watches videos on his phone the whole time. I have to ask him to do small things for me because he is so unwilling on his own! It was the constant ignoring me & arguing with me that really made me want to separate from him. He was also keeping me a secret from his family because for some unknown reason his family decided they no longer like me.
I have led the entire relationship because i always felt like he didn’t really wanna be with me. But we went to prom together in high school & he approached me and asked me & he pursued me. But after he felt he “had me” he stopped putting in effort. He acted like he didn’t have to date me or do anything nice for me in order for him to have me. I am a lonely person from time to time because i don’t have real true friends who are good to me. My only friend emily only shows up when she wants to & does small nice things for me and we talk well, she talks i listen. And she ignores me on text. She stopped contacting me. Her father told me I shouldn’t be her friend because she is a mean selfish and horrible person and the worst daughter he has out of all his daughters. And i found out he was right
After I said “admit that it hurt” I started crying like a baby.
I hope your healing in peace, rather than being with a person hoping in anxiety.
I think I’m scared of moving on, so I’m holding on to positive and the negative memories , cause moving on means I have to feel it way deeper and take the shame and blame of my part in the relationship ending and how my attachment was triggered
I understand when you are coming from. A phrase/idea that hard helped me is Radical Forgiveness. I beat myself up for how I hurt my ex but I need to forgive myself no matter what.
"Until we name it & feel it & give ourselves the comfort we need around it, we are not going to get better from our pain. Do the secure thing; acknowledge that you felt it & acknowledge that you need to do something different." Yes, very powerful wisdom. Thank you. Heidi, this video is so helpful. The analysis that you bring to it is right on & very clear, reflecting on insecure attachment styled individuals having challenges with letting go of past relationships. Your videos are educational, supportive & inspiring. You make this information accessible in essential conceptual & detailed ways so that listener/viewers can understand its contents.
I’ll add my deep thanks to all the others. After all the stories I’ve been spinning, the examination and attempt to diagnose HIS problem, you brought me to a simple but painful truth. I loved somebody who didn’t love me back. He never claimed to, and the signs were everywhere, but I couldn’t accept this because I would have to let go. Finally I feel able to do so, and I feel such a sense of relief.
Your channel is the single most important channel to exist for me these 7 months since my break up. I can’t thank you enough, Heidi. I hope your channel grows to millions so everyone can learn to love themselves and others securely. ❤
Hope you’re doing great now little green pearl ❤
This video is such a necessary topic, AND the video specifically about FAs having a hard time moving on is pure gold. Usually for me it's two things- both covered by Heidi and nowhere else, as far as I've seen:
1) The mountain of rage I'm stuck with at everything I gave to the relationship and never got back, only to be totally disregarded in the end
2) The fact I rarely connect with anyone enough to want to be in relationships at all, and once I do I feel an enormous sense of betrayal when it doesn't work out
FORTUNATELY, attachment systems are not genetic defects. They can be healed, and I don't ever have to put myself in the position to feel this way again.
This is so true! I’m an FA and relationships ending for me are pretty detrimental because of what you mentioned. It’s ready hard to meet people.
It can be very disempowering
Thank you. Number 2 is highly validating of my experience.
i literally finished this video, wrote down everythign that happened as if it was captured by a camera, went to touch grass a bit, and then started bawling my eyes out. it's my birthday too and ive been sitting ruminating for the past 4 months post BU, very sad and lonely but thinking soooo much about how the other person is doing, stlaking and researching things to undesand her better, it was my coping mechanism to not let go.
i think this is my first day finally moving on.
How are you doing now man
wow, thats great!
@@russ123321bunya kind of better. i've stopped stalking her for a little over 2 months now so i haven't learned anythingnew about her, last i checked she was in a new relationship so it hurts to think about that buti've accepted it and just reminding myself that she is not "the one".
anyways, there are good days and bad days but i was head over heels for this girl so it's only normal. i've learned self compassion, probably the best lesson in this process, although sometimes i get really frustrated about still thinking about her and us when it gets quiet. i just meditate and try and self regulate when that happens.
for context we were together 3y and i wanted to marry her so it's taking more time than usual because of my level of commitment i think. so, 7months post bu and im definitely better but not yet where i want to be.
what about you?
Hope you are in a much better space now. Sending love ❤
What do you do when you don't know why they left and they won't explain what happened? I'm stuck with confusion and no answers. No closure. It's hard for my brain to let go without reason.
This video just healed years of pain I’ve been experiencing by ruminating & romanticizing certain relationships in my life. Thank you for explaining this so clearly & eloquently 💖
One of the toughest ruminations I’ve ever endured was the one that cruel when I couldn’t see it. I saw the root causes of their pain and empathized myself to emotional destruction. The halo effect is a real thing when you’re not taking care of yourself emotionally, but selfish empathy is also very real and very risky. I call it ‘selfish empathy’ because the empathy becomes the catalyst for eternal rumination, the remnants of an emotional connection that I still had that she, clearly, did not, but I couldn’t release due to the ‘soul compatibility’ I’d incorrectly assigned to our connection. When you give something too much more value than it can be assigned, you pay a much higher price to let it go.
I sometimes wonder if that's what I've done.
That’s so true. I felt we had a deeper bond that we actually did, even though he fed all these dreams of “growing old together” and actually in the early stages of buying a home together. Now I see that he can’t commit to anyone except dysfunctionally. He has now gone back to a toxic relationship with his second ex wife and it hurts like efffff. But as long as I keep admitting the reality of the situation to myself, and my own doubts which I dismissed because of my anxious attachment I know I can get past this.
@@elizabethchewter3532 I know what you mean. In my case, my childhood traumas have dictated a lot of my worst relationship mistakes. You’ll be alright. Time actually helps but only if we see why we got into it. I have to track the origins of my errors. Without that, I’m just a repeat martyr for my own cause.
This is something I’m struggling with at the moment. One day at a time
It makes more and more sense to me that missing a person is actually a bad sign. the ppl i've missed usually where the ones that hurt me. but hearing that explanation about the unanswered questions and making up own explanations etc it makes sense. when there's good communication and mututal respect engaging and disengaging comes easy. but if someone plants the seed of doubt my mind goes crazy and i become unhealthy.
Oh that’s what’s been happening to me too 🥲
Same
My whole garden is sewn with seeds of doubt ..
This. When you don't understand it. When there have been "games" and a lot of on the bus / off the bus / push / pull. When they say they love you and that they're addicted to you, but they still push you away and tell you that they don't want a relationship. These are by far the hardest things to detach from, even when you logically know it's terrible for you and there's a wealth of evidence supporting that conclusion. Time will still heal it though. Do your best to distract yourself and have faith that every day that goes by will improve the situation.
7 years later from its 2016 release I'm still reading "This Is Me Letting You Go", I remember I bought the book when I was working a miserable call centre job and in-between calls I'd read your Thought Catalog articles. So many amazing essays that I still read all the time. My favourite chapters are 'If You Didn't Get a Good Morning Text" and "The Truth About Meeting People at the Wrong Time". I need a sequel but for now, your videos are holding me down. I recently found your channel and it took me back to my teen years when I avidly read your TC articles.❤
@callmemunashe, i found the book on Audible, is it that good? Only 2:30 hours but if good I ‘ll get it. Thanks
I also just looked it up on Audible and will be listening. Thanks for mentioning it
Almost 2 weeks ago I woke up with such a overwhelming fear and anxiety and a deep seated feeling that I'm so DEEPLY in the wrong place in my life.
I've been learning a lot of things on this channel, and a lot of things by journaling. I feel like I've been asleep for the last decade of myself. I'm realizing just how much my life has been organized around self-hate and that I'm a monster that needs to push their needs away and focus on being of service to others. Now it's all fallen apart, in a good way.
I've woken up, and I have your channel to thank for a lot of knowledge that is helping me realize my problem areas and how I need to move in the relationships in my life.
This blew my mind. I’ll be saving this to help me recall the difference between the painful truth and the idyllic story.
I’ve isolated myself from other women, from vulnerability, from sex and love, because the story of loss is somehow easier to avoid again than dissecting the truth and feeling the pain.
The story has been amorphous, evolving into something unreal to fit an ideal that never did and never could exist. Worse, I jumped headlong into another relationship before I could sit with and address the pain of the truth. That relationship failed because I wasn’t emotionally available. I was a martyr to my story of loss.
Clearly, I love an ideal which never truly existed. I fabricated a mystical bliss, to which no other woman can compare, because it’s easier than sitting in pain with the truth.
I have been doing this same cycle for 4 years now, always lying to myself and how I wasn't enough for her and how she abandoned me. I realize now listening and meditating your wisdom, I wasn't my fault and it wasn't hers... the love we had for eachother it now permanently over and I just have to pick myself up and walk away from that.
Thank you Heidi, you greatly helped lessen my internal pain/anguish.
Found it very powerful that it is the stories I told myself (positive abd negative) that are keeping me tied to the past. And that first I need to just let them go and feel the pain. That there is only the truth and how that made me feel. Thank you.
I love how this channel passively forces me to sit with the pain that come with the truth. Doing so turns that pain into compassion towards others and myself. Honesty gives me the power I let go of so early on back. Thank you Heidi ❤
Agree!
You have totally nailed exactly how I feel, especially in those weird 'situationships' that aren't really relationships, and they are so painful...even when in them, I use linmerance (as I now realise) to comfort myself!! So I'm going direct to the source of the pain, which is from childhood...but ik no longer 'blaming' the other , I'm taking responsibility for the 1st time...healing is slow!!
Thanks for the info Heidi. In a no contact situation at the moment. There was a lot of confusion, but also some unknown clarity surrounding my situation. I can only control myself and my actions. 4 months of personal change and healing has brought me personal peace. I do not feel the need to look for closure or why the relationship dropped like it did. My Self-love and peace is what is most important to me now. Much love to you all. 💚
Thank you for finally explaining why I suffer so much several years later after a couple of long-term relationships ended. Boy did I fill in the gaps with "stories." The truth is they were both narcissists that were emotionally abusive to me for decades. The stories I made up in my head were mostly that they cared about me and how wonderful they were so I should overlook their horrid behavior.
Unlikely, but keep working on it, you’ll get somewhere, someday.
I really hate when people use the word "narcissist" these days. It truly comes across as a "Get-Out-Of-Responsibility" card.
Of course there are people that are true narcissists, but there are also people that do narcissistic things. A great comment was that "Everybody has a little bit of narcissist in them".
It's become a labeling word that is used to dismiss the person and banish them this absolving the user of any further responsibility to look inward or to examine self.
Running around casting that word haphazardly has done a great disservice to those that actually do struggle with a narcissist.
I was labeled a narcissist probiotics and she even told the judge I struggle with " "Narcissistic Behavior Disorder" even though that's never been a thing in my life. I went so far as to ask my own therapist that could possibly be an issue in my life and they said that narcissism is SO on the other end of the spectrum of what I'm actually struggling with....
That doesn't mean I haven't made mistakes so that I haven't done foolish or selfish actions, but IT DOES mean that ALL of my decisions and behaviors are NOT motivated from a narcissistic center and that it is actually defamatory and slanderous to accuse another of such.
@@randallsmerna384 exactly, the original poster is obviously clueless.
@@sethtenrec It's a buzzword that catches on but it should be reserved for real cases.
let the poster share their feelings, correcting someone who is venting is very insensitive.
Honestly, you're changing my life. The way you phrase and explain things just causes something to click in my brain. It's the combination of actual real life examples, structured steps and the air of "I'm also figuring it out" that resonates. Thank you so much
Needed to hear this. I feel like also when things don’t work out exactly as you mapped out it in your head it makes it so hard move on and you over analyze every interaction and moment to see how you might have read things wrong. This also goes for friendships. 2023 was a hard year for me and I spent a lot of time trying to continuous bring up new talking points and make up all these scenarios of conversations I would have with the ppl who betrayed me this year. All together just caused me more harm than good.
I spent days praying for God to give me wisdom and guidance about my ruminations and my decision to go no contact with my ex. At the end of it all, I found this video. I listened to the middle bit (about turning to your ex to murder the ruminations) over an over.
Well here we are, one phone call later and the ruminations are dead. I won’t be able to be friends with her for a long time (if ever), but I’m happy to say my ex and I are now on good terms. I found the closure I needed; it feels like a massive weight has been lifted.
Thanks Heidi!
I finally understand why relationships ending have been so traumatising for me, I wish I understood this years ago. Thank you for your clear explanations!
This really hurts to think about but I needed to hear it. She was everything I had ever wanted, literally everything I'd dreamed of, so I wanted it to work more than anything. I didn't see that I was putting my own growth on hold to try keep status quo. I also didn't see that she was never going to commit to me, she held me at arms length the entire time and was never going to move forwards. I thought somehow things would work out with time. She hid me from people and eventually left me for someone else. It caused me a huge amount of self doubt.
It caused me to look at how much was wrong in my life and how much I needed to fix, at first I thought I could win her back with change and improvement.
The concrete reality was that it was never going to be me. I don't know for certain what her reasoning was because she never actually told me, but the truth was that we were both not right for each other. She wasn't looking for someone like me and may have just been trying to fill a gap after having moved country after a breakup. I was still broken (and still am) and needing to work on myself. I've been doing that and also trying to leave the thought of her behind because she didn't help with any closure.
I'm still hurting so badly and have daily breakdowns though. Posting this is a step in trying to accept that, that we were both at fault, in different ways. She was everything I'd ever wanted, I wasn't ready for a healthy relationship and I couldn't be a _good_ partner. I was not everything she wanted and she hurt me and it makes me feel used whether she intended that or not. She hurt me badly and I need to stop hoping that something can still work out.
Oh I am DEFINITELY feeling the pain. Feeling, feeling, feeling. It's ripping me apart.
Oh man. Thank you so much for your content, Heidi. This is really helpful on this actual day. I have been fluctuating between being okay and then revisiting pain - self blaming, filled with regret, shame, guilt, and wishing impossible things. I have been beating up on myself for my fearful avoidant ways ruined everything. Thank you ❤
Yup I was honest and truthful in a mature manner and I was met with defense, belittled, insulted, and then blocked smh it’s very hurtful especially when someone diminishes your hurt and also the relationship that you had with them. It came off very cruel.
I went through the same thing. Narcissistic behaviours.
Same here. I was more than mature and tolerant and remained a real man for her to turn to. But she just wanted to ruin the relationship and blame me. She's a monster. She treated me with utter contempt. She never had anyone as good as me. Now she's already in another relationship and it won't last because she can't change. What is wrong with these people?
Whoa, I think you guys are missing the point here. It’s not about your partner ot the angry story you’re creating.
LOOK INSIDE
@@intoasoulsounds like you missed the entire lesson
going thru this right now and trying to let go of someone - I'm seeing the reason why I want to stay tied to this person and keep telling the stories to myself is, if I let go, then I'm alone and there's no one else there with me - that is what I'm arriving at... so settling with just being alone even though I don't want to be, I'm seeing I need to allow this in and feel it
So much great insight. Thank you. Being so vulnerable in front of an emotional abuser/ghoster seems self sacrificial. I dont feel safe emotionally around her.
You have finally pointed out to me what is REALLY going on. I am going through a breakup and my stories have clouded the issue. Thank you so much. I know now that I just have to feel the pain for the moment, and that it will get better if I can address that one issue. Wow. Powerful af.
Thank you, Heidi! This was definitely helpful; it was the first time anyone has explained the difference between being insecure or not after a heartbreak. Literally yesterday, after seeing my ex in the car with her new boyfriend, one of my thoughts was "I want to understand why this hurt me so much." I think the difference between me and my ex is that she is secure and I am insecure, so the 'betrayal' and all those stories I've been ruminating on for over 2 months hurt a lot more than the "clean pain" you mentioned. So thanks again!
It is harder to get over the stories in our head than it is to get over realities
Omg thank you for saying that. It summed my problem succinctly
This is literally everything I needed! Sometimes I forget when I am in a crisis state how to take care of myself so I made an "***SOS*** playlist I could save this video to. In doing this I'm making sure I make a promise to take care of my inner child when things get tough and I get scared or don't know what to do. Now I know where to go to remember HOW I can protect and help my inner child. Thank you so much for your videos they have literally been a life savior!
I never heard it explained like this. I really needed it. I had already 23:20 realized I was wasting time & emotion on how I thought it was going to be/“meant” to be. I’d not realized I’d distracted myself w/the stories, instead of acknowledging I’m hurt.Thank you so much!
It feels freeing to let go of stories and constant analyzing of what went wrong, who is to blame, why, what is the real Truth, and instead recognize, name and let myself feel the hurt, or whatever emotions it is, without also trying to analyze whether that is the "right" thing to feel and maybe I "should" have been more grown version of myself to not feel it. In reality, my inner child and vulnerable parts did feel the pain from them not texting me often, sending emojis, being hung up on ex, being close to the others guys, almost falling asleep during sex, telling that I might not be enough for her family and thus for her, not replying when I said something nice to her, not saying nice things to me, not validating me even when I communicated that I would like some validation from time to time, being late, which all of these things made me feel like I was not the priority, telling mw straight that I am not the priority but our project, ignoring my touch, not touching me back when I touched her, not paying attention when something was important for me, leaving me with a text message, not rispectint my house by changing order of thing, not listening to my concerns about attavhement theory...These might be small things, and I might not be ready for any relationship, because these kinds of things hurt me too much, but in reality they did, and I am still hurting, even if it is not logical or justified or I am too much or I require too much or whatever. It just hurt. And made me too anxious. And alone. And misunderstood. It feels like I miss a piece from my chest like it is hollow. And I miss what could have been, but I don't miss how I felt with you. Breadcrumbs of affection and intimacy felt good bcs I felt like you were better than me and I got so little compared what were my real and true needs.
I think some times we look at others and ask “what’s their problem?” with bitterness. Now I try to look at them and I ask “I wonder what happened that caused them to behave like that?” with compassion.
We all want our mistakes understood because “hey... I’m only human”. So shouldn’t we should extend that to others?
I’ve started to do this too! Well it doesn’t excuse how people behave, having an understanding of their pain or at least trying to is, in my opinion, much more “interesting” and better. Everyone wants to be understood and heard.
And yes, the limerence video is amazing. Once again, it brought me so much freedom so difficult for me to listen to which I did about 20 times. But then came the freedom of spotting the thought process and releasing it by with love & compassion
Heidi, you are amazing. I was in a very dark place after a toxic relationship.
I watched your videos over and over until it resonated. Then If I fell back into old patterns I would watch again. I am now back to my healthy self where I have boundaries and I am happy in a new relationship. I cannot thank you enough!
Love this for you 🥰💕
Absolutely one of the most important channels on the topic!!!
Always feel slapped in the face with what one needs to hear instead what one wants to hear after listening to you!
😊❤️
This video came at the perfect time. Im dealing with dumpers regret but I had to remember to tell myself "The Truth" of how I acted in the relationship and how my ex acted as well. People always tend to blame and manipulate the story but you also have understand the things you did wrong too. Its painful but helps with self closure.
As for speaking with my ex - Id love to tell her all the realisations Ive had and Id love to express my mind to her but she is now with someone else so that door is closed until she is ready.
Living with this regret now too. She was my ride or die and I kicked her out.
2 types of pain, insecure pain and secure pain:
Insecure pain: the real stuff that went wrong in the relationship, this must be overcome with goals and plans. Grow yourself and create better boundaries.
Secure pain: Missing the connection. You must face this with real vulnerability the way this video describes, sit with your child and be honest.
I cannot thank you enough for this video. I was telling myself so many different stories because I was too stubborn to face the truth that my ex and I just weren’t compatible. Thank you.
Locate the pain.. tell the truth.. brave the rejection ... find if there's compatibility.. building the future... ❤❤❤ grow mature be s strong human adult.
4 years since being separated from my husband and I still think about him everyday.
Heidi, thank you for sharing your insight and being so genuine and vulnerable. I feel like you do such a great job at pointing out objective truths but integrating them with emotion to point out the blind spots we all carry. I’m also a paraprofessional with a background of over 10 years. As a man, I’m still dealing with healing from my past experiences and working on self growth and bettering myself. I just want you to know how much I appreciate your style of thought.
Laying awake at night I listen to this after my breakup and I'm able to fall asleep again because it's true. Thank you Heidi once again 🏆🏆🏆
The "making up a million stories" is so true. Same as "Today she's the problem and the root of all evil, tomorrow I'm the problem and a bad person" mind-set.
I had a falling out with my best friend last year. She felt real hurt because I didn't give her the attention she was used too, I was confused because I knew she knew I was very busy and had a lot on my plate at that time, so why are you angry? She became more and more frustrated, because I didn't see her pain. I became more and more frustrated, because I didn't understand it. And at some point she exploded and I went into full defense mode. The friendship ended there.
Now, a year later, I'm still thinking about it. Going in circles again and again. "Was this and that a red flag?" "is she the problem?" "am I the problem?" "But I did--" "But she did--" it is maddening.
These video's really put things into perspective. Thank you so much
You are so helpful! I'm suffering extreme emotional pain. But I have not been respected in the relationship and I need to learn boundaries. I am very wounded 😢
I’m struggling with the fact I’m losing my best friend. Thank you for this
Thank you, Heidi, for stressing this issue. I, too, ruminated a lot about my past. I am learning to let go. We are extremely fortunate to live in this time. Dr. Eger said, "We are both Hitler and Mother Teresa." If our parents know how to heal and help themselves, and us, they would have not repeated that mistakes. They probably experienced traumas too. Many psycho therapists tend to teach us to be a victim but don't teach us to be compassionate and forgiving. Many NDE experiencers testified we have past lives and we come back to balance them. I have watched several of your UA-cam videos and found that you are level-headed, well articulated, and knowledgeable. Playing a victim is not fun because it will keep us in that vibration. As a result, we land and attract similar circumstances. Worse yet, we will poison our body due to our thoughts.
Hedi. 12 years for me. So happy I came across you
I know I’m gonna change I’m going to do the work tired of wasting my life away
Ty
It is so hard to come to terms with the fact that we just weren't compatible. It's such a hollow and boring answer compared to all of the fantasies, stories, and rationalizations. All of that drama and pain ended not in a bang, but a whisper. So anticlimactic.
It's hard to acknowledge this obvious truth but this video helps. Thank you Heidi.
Thank you SO much!! I really needed to hear this! I just ended an online only friendship bc the other person was disassociating from reality into some kind of fantasy relationship. When I stated my boundaries earlier and reminded them. He replied with disrespect and gaslighting. I’m self-caring today.
I loved this! In august after many months of what ifs I sat down and told someone all my feelings for them and how long I had had them and how much it had hurt when they had been triggered and shut down and you know what? He remained very closed off and cold. But it’s like you said, all the what ifs were murdered and I could stop telling myself all these stories and possibilities. It still sucked and hurt but it was a turning point toward healing. Thank you for your channel.
Girl your videos are so amazing. I’ve struggled living in the stories I make up in my mind, but as I’ve watched your videos and studied up on attachment styles these past couple weeks, I’ve become so much more aware and am working on my relationship with myself ❤
Hi Heidi, your videos help me so much to reflect and grow, they have lead to quite a few lightbulb moments! Thank you for sharing your own growth and insights with us ❤
The value in this is so great that it’s difficult to describe. I’m requesting that you consider doing a lecture about which differences between people make for true incompatibility as partners based on patterns in the literature or your personal practice.
It’s vital to learn the difference between true incompatibility versus blocks in the ability of one or both to compromise or be appropriately vulnerable in the absence of stories eg the nonuse of superficial imposition of propaganda so feelings based on truths can be shared understood and analyzed.
*Your emphasis on looking at specific actions and the feelings that result is essential*. Labels are irrelevant if a pattern of behavior results in a pattern of emotional or physical feelings that is harmful.
Heidi is an amazing speaker and her advice, Insight, and knowledge needs to be in a Master Class.
I just discovered your channel and boy I’m sooo glad I did. I love the way you explain things it’s so simple to understand and grasp and implement. I accidentally did what you said in the video and at first it hurt it felt like someone stabbed me when I exposed the truth…but after there was this immense freedom and letting go of dead weight… anywho thanks a ton!
Just hit the acceptance stage after mourning followed by what you said exactly “painting a villain”. Flip flopping back and forth on who was the villain.
I've been struggling with getting over her for nearly 6 years. The truth is, deep down I want to live my life with her and it hurts me so much that isn't an option. What can be done to end this nightmare? Thank you for this video. I will continue to study it.
I have been doing this for past 6 months and have been struggling to move on and let go. This is has been extremely helpful and finally i believe i will be able to take a step in the right direction to move on and let go.
Me too
I feel called out. But in the best way possible! Thank you for explaining this clearly and providing real ways to move on. ❤️
Yoh literally have saved me so many times. My anxious preoccupied attachment style has made my life so sooo very hard sometimes.
I've just realized I've always been a FA and never personally noticed it until adulthood, and my last relationship which was so long ago exacerbated it tenfold. My emotions and the stories have been just festering for so long and it's turned me into such a venomous person. My heart keeps using a single situation as a basis for how I feel about everything, and this is the first true help I've got, and this is actually something I just realized I can't keep brushing off there are some real things I need to address you've opened the perfect path for me thank you I really appreciate it really
I can definitely see the benefit from this video. Very relatable definitely more beneficial to acknowledge the truth then just our biased stories we create in our own minds. Thank you Heidi.
I'm liking these regular videos. No pressure to keep pace.
Omg Heidi ❤this is amazing. I’ve done this is the past but still fell into the trap of not feeling all the closure pain. And I LOVE the comparison of healthy relationship closure:
This makes it clear to me how healing the insecure attachment will bring me joy and freedom . I can’t thank you enough for these videos. You’ve changed my life so much for the better.
As a long-time Tool fan, this performance blows me away! I cannot applaud loud or emphatically enough! I’m now a fan of you! Much Gratitude!
I had a situationship end and I was heartbroken, but we parted ways on the best terms I could possibly ask for. He was kind and compassionate, even after he checked in with me a few weeks later, he validated the narrative I had of what happened between us, it was pure relief knowing there wasn't any distortions, that I had the reality, that I could trust that reality. I didn't have any 'what ifs.'
I knew it was going to trigger me a lot when he moved on, so I asked for gentleness in how I found out about a new relationship. I guess I didn't communicate that directly enough. He got a new girlfriend, and it was on social media. I thought hey, instead of stewing about it and coming up with stories like I usually do, I thought I would talk to him directly and say hey, this hurt me, we had this conversation too. I came on pretty strong in my emotive language, and he responded to me bluntly and with a coldness I'd never heard from him before. He suggested I just block him and it ended with him saying, "That's all I have to say on the matter." Then he blocked me.
That was 2 months ago now, and I'm still ruminating. Not on the relationship, but on the ending. It felt like it ruined everything. It's just always hanging in the back of my mind. I like my present, I'm excited for my future, I genuinely love being me, I have good weeks, then somehow he pops up somewhere online and it brings up all the feelings again. I'm so stuck on the why why why. Why did he have to be cold? Does he hate me? Does he really just not care about me at all anymore? Was it my fault? Why do I still feel SO hurt and when will that hurt leave? When will I stop thinking about him? When will I stop having flashbacks that bring up this panic? Why can't I just accept it and move on!? My brain thinks to move on I need the closure from him to soothe the wound, but I need to give myself closure.
I've had so many moments I get in touch with the pain and feel it and cry, but then I cycle back to rumination again. But I can't touch the emotion everyday, because then I just won't function. I need to work, write, play. How much do I have to feel it? I've even had so much healing in my relationship with my mother which is where a lot of this originated from.
Anyway, I hope nobody reads this, just need to put this somewhere.
I read it and appreciate you putting it out there. It makes me feel a little bit less alone in my grieving. I hope you’re doing okay.
I read it and appreciate it as I am also feeling a lot and it's hard to do that while continuing on with a routine. I've come to realize however that I've I don't feel this now, my pain may last longer than it needs to. I hope you are getting closer to feeling better.
Yep. Not sure why some people stay trapped in a whirlpool of misery but I am one of them. I know I need to generate my own worthiness so that rejection is survivable but it just never happens. I feel like I am lying to myself every time I try to say something positive about myself. If I feel that way then I'm obviously not believing it and if I'm not believing it then it's not taking root and if it's not taking root then things aren't changing... I am tired.
I've read this with my heart open for you. Pain is a lot to handle. Loss is a lot to handle. I've never been very good at letting things go. I do my best though. I hope your healing journey is soon complete.
I read it.. I'm so happy to hear your feelings and emotions. Wishing you all the best going forward🫂
This explains my endless rumination perfectly. And why why ex grieved normally while I easily threw her aside only to feel like I had my heart torn out once she had moved on. I can't stand this rumination and how I make up endless stories about how the present doesn't live up to the past.
So much advice out there around this topic advocates for either a) bypassing the hurt completely by putting the whole thing out of your mind (ie you are better off without them) or b) putting the whole thing in the center of your awareness (ie staring at the stories, examining how they relate to childhood trauma and loss, and having to understand them in order to move forward. This approach is SO much better than either.
I really love the phrase 'clean pain'. It's such a good mantra to remind us what we should be feeling, and helping us to recognise when story is creeping in. I had to watch this one a few times to hear the full message but I now realise I had been using story and memories and 'meaning' to bypass the pain. The pain is actually really simple to work with - just feel it cleanly, and dedicate yourself to never abandoning it.
Wow 5 months into the separation between my ex wife and myself after being married for 15 yrs and together for 25, I really needed to hear this. I’ve listened to a lot of letting go vids on you tube but this one is definitely up there in the top 2 I’ve listened to. You gave me so much insight into the work I need to do to move on. I’m was still attached to the stories I had made up about her and our relationship even though it was over and it clearly wasn’t working. New subscriber here and thankyou ❤️
I struggle with this so much. I loved her so much. I try to move on but I think about her everyday even after more than a year apart.
Still here still ruminating. Working on my Codependency issues, healing my inner child, and Anxious preoccupied attachment style.
I'm feeling the pain, for sure! We talked about our problems and why they happened, and one truth was very clear. However, this pain brought to the surface all the other wounds I didn't work on. Thank you! Now I have the change to do that!
Heidi, I want to express my gratitude for you being open to share your knowledge towards insecure attachment. This is a subject underestimated for most ppl, including myself before finding out about your channel. I am finally able to see the reality of it and understand that there is nothing wrong with me and that anything that needs to be improved is within ourselves, we just need to have a dedication to move forward. No more numbness, no more self-judgment. Now is about developing our relationship with ourselves and be our best friend. Thank you for all these videos.
I been divorced 20 years and just now reflecting back to what caused it. It's in my mind a lot lately. I want to move past this tired of going over and over it. Our relationship is finished he remarried time for me to start a new relationship with knowing what I do the next time and that's communicate my feelings. I proud that I didn't tolerate the behavior nor will I ever. Our problem was neither discussed what we want from a partner. We couldn't give each other what the other wanted. It happens I just make sure not in the next relationship. Got to release the pain and move on. Thank you for this video.
Sometimes the pain is so great that you have to take a little step back, put on some music and sing at the top of your lungs and dance. That time for me is right now.😅
❤❤❤ Limerence be gone
But then even the human to human connection is riddled with lies and mistruths lol, so in the end, what do you have left?
@@jordanlevitt1638 interviewing people to get to know good. To get out and try every day without thinking about somebody else but myself
Amen to that it’s a crock anyway.
I’ve known the answer(s) (aka truth) for “a long” time. Logistically (& spiritually) I have approached my failed marriage - that I’m still in, mostly a money thing - in the way of this video. However, I fail at it in reality… all the time. Then, the stories run off the rails. I guess I’m trying to say, this was spot on. I’ve already begun to be more honest with myself. I just hope I can continue when we’re in each other’s company. As heartbreaking as it is, I hope that we can move on (i.e., selling the house & making a break) soon - as planned. It’s been far overdue. Thank you for crystallizing it for me.
Nice video. I have a friend who still ruminates A LOT about a relationship 5 years later. She thinks that they developed something so especial and unique and it's THE match, that no one ever understands her like he did. I feel sorry for. And also I'm starting to get annoyed. Never gonna send this video to her, bc she thinks they developed a real bond, secure and all, but it's not.
Sometimes, you've just got to be mega real with them. If they don't listen, let them go.
This video could help your friend
Hi Heidi, this video is so insightful. Thank you! I have been ruminating weeks and weeks while still being in a break up (not being able to do it cleanly). I was so stressed and anxious all the time. I could not even feel the pain or cannot cry a single tear. But your video gave me a bit of release and direction where to work on. "What happened hurts." Such a powerful phrase.
I messaged him the last time and told him what he did was wrong and how I was wrong for fully trusting his lies. I told him how devastated I am for his betrayal and how it caused me so much pain that it manifests on my physical health. Sadly, I did not get a respond. I think that was already the closure for me. Thank you for this, I will try to follow the advice here and hope it will help. It was a just week after I ended things with him. Am still crying a lot. :( I cannot wait for this to be over soon.
You shouldn’t be writing paragraphs and he knows he hurt you - no need to vent it out, all you need to do is disappear and go silent.
@@Crystalbomb321Thanks! That was the last message I sent. I no longer care about him. Crying so much and feeling miserable wore off in less than a month. Evil man doesn’t deserve more of my tears. :)
Heidi, I really wish I could put into words how amazing your channel is. The work you are doing is so pure and selfless, and its gives me so much truth and hope. You are an angel, and a spirit guide. Thank you so much. A million blessings to you and your family for generations to come!
Thank you Heidi, this has really helped me... I've been avoiding my feelings for my relationship ending by trying to figure out why it did, and coming up with stories that created more pain. During watching this video I just sat in the pain instead of trying to work it all out and I felt calm, upset but calm.
You are an absolute genius. I can’t put into words how much I appreciate you and especially this video. Thank you 😭
Great points. Easy to talk about what happened or who is to blame. At the end of the day I gotta heal from the pain, because it hurts. Thank you
i am watching this not to let go off of my own past relationship but to let off of my partners
Heidi, I am so glad to have found your channel. I am 56 and going through a tough breakup and the "stories" are definitely keeping me stuck. Thank you for these helpful steps, an honest approach, and for your gentleness. You are sharing amazing wisdom and content. Thank you again. Karen