@@user-wx4nv8xr3d Reagan let the auto industry take their factories overseas at the cost of American jobs. Then he reduced the tariff on said countries. How fucked is that ?
Fr we here in estonia got lucky because we were close enough to finland to watch finnish tv and actually understand whats going on in the world instead of being spoonfed lies
Stalin is sitting in his office signing papers, when suddenly his assistant bursts through the door “Comrade Stalin! A man just came in, he claims to be clairvoyant! He says he can see the future!” Without missing a beat Stalin responds: “send him to the gulag, if he really can see the future he wouldn’t have come here”
Two Russians are in line for bread in Moscow. One says, "We've been here for three hours! I can't take it anymore! I'm going to go kill Khrushchev!" and leaves. After a short while, he comes back, so his friend asks, "What happened?" "The line there is even longer!"
Two soviet soldiers, Ivan and Dimitri, are manning a bridge when they see a man rushing to get home before the curfew. Suddenly, one of the soldiers raises his rifle and shoots the man in the back. Shocked, Ivan, asks: "Dimitri! Why did you shoot that man?! The curfew starts in 5 minutes!!" Dimitri answers: "I know where he lives, it's ten minutes away from here!!"
Brezhnev and his wife are headed home from a conference in East Germany, when his wife, already impatient, asks how far they've gone. Brezhnev sticks his hand out of the window and then pulls it back in and says: "we're still in East Germany." "How could you tell?" his wife asks. "because I stuck my hand out and somebody kissed it." A while later, his wife asks again how far they've gone. Again, Brezhnev sticks his hand out, then pulls it back in and says: "We're in Poland now." Again his wife asks how he knew and he answers: "Because I stuck my hand out and somebody spat on it." After a few more hours, his wife is impatient and asks one more time where they are. Brezhnev sticks his hand out once more and says: "Oh honey, we're finally back in Moscow." "How did you know?" his wife asks again, to which he answers: "because I stuck my hand out and somebody stole my watch."
I like this one: Early in the morning Brezhnev looked at the sky and smiled to the sun. Suddenly the Sun said, "Good morning, dear Leonid Ilyich." Amazed and happy, Brezhnev told the Politburo members that even the sun knew him and greeted him personally. The Politburo men were skeptical but kept their doubts for themselves. Toward the evening, Brezhnev said to them, "I see you don't trust my word. Let's go outside and I will show you!" They walked out and Brezhnev said to the sun which was already low, "My dear Sun, good evening." The Sun answered, "Go to hell, you old idiot." "What's that?" Brezhnev shouted angrily. "Do you know who you are talking with?" "I don't give a damn," the Sun said. "I'm already in the West, I do what I want!"
Two KGB agents together. Agent #1: "Comrade, what do you think of our glorious Soviet Union?" Agent #2: "The same as you do, Comrade." Agent #1: "Comrade, you are under arrest!"
A judge comes out of his Moscow courtroom laughing hysterically. A fellow judge looks on in puzzlement and asks him what's so funny. "I just heard the best joke ever!" "Oh yeah? Let's hear it." "No can do. I just gave the guy ten years in prison for telling it!"
@@arthurbenedetti9146 except he wont be able to claim it because he is a felon. And under the soviet union felons had no right to formal property, they lived in tenant housing till they regained social status... most of them died in prison before getting released anyway
Here’s another classic, Stalin is visiting the farmlands outside of Leningrad, he visits one such potato farmer, he asks the farmer “comrade, how many potatoes have you produced?” The farmer responds with “well comrade Stalin, if you stacked them, they would reach god in the sky” Stalin replied with “but god does not exist” the farmer says “neither do the potatoes comrade stalin”
Napoleon and one of his top generals are watching a Soviet military parade. Napoleon is glancing at a Russian newspaper. The general says to Napoleon "If we had soldiers like those we would have won Waterloo!", later the general says "If we had guns like those we would have easily defeated Wellington!", then the general says "If we had those tanks instead of horses, we could have crushed the British!". Napoleon looks up from the newspaper and says "If we had a newspaper like this, no-one would know that we lost the battle".
@@DM-mi4je I feel you. So the joke should start: ‘The ghosts of Napoleon and his top generals who are watching earth, were attending a Soviet military parade.’
My favourite is still this one: A man comes into a store in Moscow and says "I would like to buy half a kilogram of meat", The girl behind the counter says "You went into the wrong store, it's in the store across the street that there's no meat. In this store there's no milk."
This one is from the union too: Old man walking down the red square and says loudly thanks Stalin for happy childhood then a man says to him"but Stalin wasn't ruling when you was a child" the old man said "for this I thank him"
Reagan and Gorbachev made a bet about whose country has more drunks. Reagan is first to visit USSR. Of course, he sees drunkards all over the place - in the airport, on the streets, in restaurants, etc. Then it's Gorbachev turn. He flies into Washington. Reagan greets him on the tarmac, hands him a Colt and says: If you see any drunks on the street, you can just shoot them, no questions asked. After it gets dark, Gorbachev goes on the prowl in Washington D.C. Sure enough, after a short while he sees a man stumbling around. Bang! Shoots him dead. A few minutes later he sees another man who can't even walk being propped-up by his two very drunk buddies. Bang, bang, bang! Shoots all three. This goes on until Gorbachev is out of ammo. Satisfied, he returns back to his hotel and goes to sleep. In the morning, he is served breakfast with the morning copy of Washington Post. Top headline reads: Last night, an unidentified, bald-headed terrorist shot half the staff of the Soviet Embassy.
An American, a Russian, and a Chinese are in a car. They stop to a intersection to discuss which way to go. The American said “I like capitalism, so let's turn right”. The Russian said “I like communism, so let's turn left”. And the Chinese said “I don’t like either, so let’s signal left and turn right”.
Darius Valikalari strict laws can regulate people’s behaviour. If a country wasn’t built upon high moral standard it’s quite necessary. Look at HongKong today, the democracy and human rights won’t help without strict laws
Bloke goes into a spare parts shop in Moscow, and says "I'd like a hubcap for my Lada.' Bloke behind the counter thinks for a moment and says 'Sounds like a fair swap.'
In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts: "Down with a tyrant with a moustaсhe!". Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin. - Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with a tyrant with a moustaсhe!"?, - Stalin asks. - Well of couse i meant Hitler! - Wery good, comrade, you are free to go. Man walks away, Beria tries to do so, but Stalin stops him: - Not so fast, comrade Beria. Tell me, who did YOU have in mind?
Beria was a psychopath who would literally drive around in his limo searching for teen girls and women to bring back to his house and rape. He would hand them flowers afterwards. Accept them and it was considered a 'date' and consensual and you got to live. Refuse them and you could end up in prison or worse. He was finally sentenced to death for treason after the war and sentenced to death. He lay on the floor wailing and begging for the same mercy he showed none of his victims before he was silenced with a bullet to the forehead. Good riddance.
In 1952, two prisoners are sitting in a Hungarian prison. One asks the another: -Why are you here? -Because of political reasons. -What political reasons? -I am a plumber, and I got called in to the party committee to fix their sink. And they asked what was the problem and I said: "The whole system is rotten, everything must be replaced!"
after death, the plumber goes to hell and is tormented by devils there. Why is this happening to me ? Remember when you served time in prison and became president, changed the "rotten system"? "everyone hates you ever since ))))))))
Comrade Khrushchev visited a collective farm that raises pigs. Reporters took pictures for Pravda for an article. After writing up the article and placing the picture on the page, the editors aren't sure how to caption the photograph. The ideas thrown around are: "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs", "Pigs and Khrushchev", and so on. Finally, after much deliberation, the article makes it to the press. The photograph is captioned: "Comrade Khrushchev is third one from the right".
Hans, a man from West Germany decides to move at Eastern Berlin. His mother tells him: Hans, my boy. From the first moment that you cross the Iron Fence, you are in dangerous territory. Don't dare to write me that there is something bad in a communist country. In your letters, you will use a blue pen if you are telling me the truth, and red pen if you are lying. About 2 weeks later, the first letter arrives, and every word is blue. My dear mother, The 2 weeks that have passed were enough to make me love the East Germany. The people are great, the system cares about everyone, and generally, there is a very pleasant atmosphere. The only negative is that I can't find red pen anywhere. Edit: Thank you all 700 people who liked the joke. I have never recieved so many likes
Kalifa Pharao Red print=lie (So he wasn’t caught talking smack about communism.) He couldn’t find a red pen, so he wrote that without the guards knowing of their conversation, to let his mom know it was a shithole
- Comrade, do you think we will ever reach true Communism? - Of course, Comrade. Communism is just over the horizon. - And what is horizon? - It's an imaginary line far ahead that no matter how long you travel to, you will never reach.
Three comrades in jail having a conversation: "Why are you in prison?". "I said something bad about comrade Rokosowski, why did they arrest you?" "I said something good about comrade Rokosowski." Now they turned to the 3rd guy, "Why are you in prison" "I am comrade Rokosowski"
Peasants from a collective farm make their way to see Lenin with an appeal. - Comrade Lenin, we are all out of food. We've resorted to eating hay. Soon, we'll start mooing like cows. - Nonsense, my dear Comrade. Just last night, Comrade Stalin and I ate a bucket of honey, and you don't hear us buzzing, now do you?
The Romanian jokes from the Iron Curtain days are even funnier! One of my favorites: Minister Zaroni is talking to the man arrested for inventing jokes about him. He asks, "are you the one who made up the joke about the game of 'ting tong'? The arrested man chuckles and says, 'yes'! Zaroni then asks, "are you the one who made up the joke about me carrying my dirty socks to the concert?" The arrested man laughs even hard, slaps his knee and says, 'yes!'. Finally Zaroni says to him, "But don't you understand I am a Minister?” The man replies, "oh, I did not make up that joke"!
This one was actually told by the Romanian Minister of Justice, after he was removed from power and thrown into prison: A Swiss member of parliament went to see his Prime Minister and said "I really believe I've earned a promotion." The PM says "Well, you're doing a good job so far, there might be a chance to find a ministerial position for you. Did you have anything particularly in mind?" "As a matter of fact I do. I would really like to be Minister in charge of the Navy please." "What are you talking about?" says the PM, "you realise this is Switzerland: we don't have a coastline and we don't have a Navy." "Yes I know" says the ambitious politician, "but I figured, you know, if Romania can have a Minister of Justice..."
@@RGP_Maths Yes, that was a good one. The version of it I heard first was a little different: instead of Romania, it was Georgia, and it was a Ministry of Culture;)
Stalin was on his way Warsaw by car. It was the middle of the night in the Polish countryside, and the driver couldn't see the road very well. As they passed a lonely little farmhouse, they felt a huge thump and heard a squeal of an animal. "Driver Mikhail, go see what is the problem," Stalin demanded. So the driver stepped out of the car and went to look at the front. "Comrade Stalin, we've run over a pig!" Stalin sighed, his visit will be delayed. "Well, go and tell the farmers." So the driver stomped off through the night towards the small wooden farmhouse. Stalin read some newspapers by the light of a match, and eventually fell asleep. As Stalin awoke just before sunrise, he saw the driver stumbling back to the car. His fine suit was ripped, his face was red with lipstick, his hair was a mess, and he could barely navigate the mud below his bare feet. "Comrade Stalin, my apologies," the driver groaned. "What is the meaning of this? Explain what happened right now!" "Comrade Stalin. I knocked on the door and a babushka opened it. Behind her were her three daughters, all very strong from working in the fields. After I spoke, her daughters grabbed me by the collar and made love to me non-stop for four hours straight! Then for the rest of the night we sang and drank vodka. They're still partying right now!" "What the hell did you say them, Comrade Mikhail?!" "I said to them, 'Hello, I'm Stalin's driver, and I'm here to tell you that I just killed the pig'."
In an obscure town of central USSR a guy enters a shop and asks to the shopkeeper: -I'd like a loaf of bread, please. -I'm afraid you're mistaken Comrad, here is the shop without meat.... the shop without bread is next door.
A woman goes into a store and asks: _"Don’t you have any meat?"_ The man behind the counter says: _"We don’t have fish. The place where they don’t have meat is across the street."_
A man goes shopping in a Moscow supermarket, mumbling to himself: -There's no eggs, no milk, no bread. no meat... A policeman hears that, approaches him and says: -Comrade, if you keep talking like this I will hit you in the head with my pistol! The man replies: -Jesus!We ran out of bullets too?!
@@RiccardoMassari9318 My grandmother (who actually also lived in a communist country - Czechoslovakia) has been in Sankt Petersburg on vacation once in 80's and she told me that there was a shortage of meat and other kinds of food. The people probably weren't hungry but they couldn't be picky. Edit: The city was called Leningrad back then of course.
@@RiccardoMassari9318 Of course not. Because collectivization works, and being a kulak is fun, and those pictures you can find are all photoshopped because photoshop existed back then.
A Hungarian joke from the era of communism: In 1966 (10 years after the crushed 1956 revolution against invading USSR) two old friends meet. - Hey, I haven't seen you in ages. What happened to you? - You know I had my share in the retributions too. I got 10 years. - Why? What did you do? - Nothing. - Come on, for nothing it's only five years.
Sounds like America. Getting cancelled and all. You can't complain too much on your job might be called insubordinate or something. America probably overall has had the better system but we have lots of improvements to make and there are people trying and fighting for it we've come from a dark place of slavery and even after that ended of course labor is still forced on everyone because you can't live without working but treatment of workers have gotten better over time. Some things are getting worse with corporate greed but we can get better hopefully.
Here’s one: When Stalin was on his deathbed, he called Khrushchev by his bedside for a private meeting, and said: “Here, I have chosen you to be my successor. Take these three envelopes, they will guide you. Open the first when I have died, the second when things get a little shaky, and the third when all hope is lost.” And Stalin hands Khrushchev three envelopes. A week later, Stalin dies, and Khrushchev opens the first envelope. It reads: “Seize power.” So he does. A few years later, there is civic unrest, so he opens the second envelops. It reads: “Blame it all on me.” So he does, and things are well for a few years. But after that, the situation with the public becomes hopeless, so Khrushchev opens the third envelope. It reads: “Prepare three envelopes.”
A workers' demonstration. Several old men carry a big placard with "Thanks comrade Stalin for our happy childhood!" on it. A KGB agent comes up: - Are you crazy?! Think what you write - in times of your childhood Stalin was not yet born! Old men: - We thank him exactly for that!
The regional KGB headquarters in Arkhangelsk suffered a major fire and was almost completely destroyed. Shortly after, a man called looking for help. “I’m sorry, we can’t do anything,” said the receptionist. “The KGB has burnt down.” Five minutes later, the receptionist received another call. “I’m sorry, we can’t help. The KGB has burnt down.” Another five minutes passed, and the phone rang again. The receptionist recognised the voice as the man who’d twice called previously. “Why do you keep calling? I told you that the KGB has burnt down.” “I know. I just like hearing it.”
@@therealskull4786 Section 2: Copyright Jokes (defined as creative attempts at humor including comedic stories, humorous quips, puns, or anecdotes) are eligible for copyright. A joke shall have valid copyright if it meets the following conditions: 1. The joke demonstrates a minimal amount of creativity in its subject matter, phrasing, or telling. Familiar stock themes and jokes told in a customary manner do not qualify for copyright. 2. The joke has been fixed in a tangible medium of expression, such as being written down, recorded, or programmed into code. Section 2: Registration Individuals may optionally register their copyrightable jokes with the U.S. Copyright office. Such registration establishes a public record of the copyright claim and is necessary for seeking damages under Section 5 of this law. Section 3: Transfer of Ownership Copyright of a joke may be transferred in whole or in part by written agreement between the joke's author and the new owner. Section 4: Use by Others Using someone else's copyrighted joke without permission from the copyright holder constitutes copyright infringement. Section 5: Damages Only copyright holders who have properly registered their jokes may seek monetary damages in court from those found to have infringed on their copyright. Unregistered copyright holders may only seek to prevent further distribution of their copyrighted joke.
@@carbag7857Oh no.. people take jokes from the Internet to post it other places that has contextual relevance? The dude even admitted it wasn’t his joke, therefore completely nulling whether it matters he changed it up or not. Even without them admitting, there is nothing that indicates they were posing it as their own joke. It just surprises me that, with all of the other comments being kind-of on the same theme of telling jokes they know, you felt the need to bump up your ego by expressing that you’re ‘*afraid*’ they copied a joke towards a very specific comment just because you noticed they used different words in place of the subject - as if every single joke ever made doesn’t have 1,000,000 different subject variations and people remember whatever was the first variation they seen or liked the most. Stop being an egotistical douche and looking for reasons to debate people to make yourself feel better; You went from trying to call them out for copying, to debating copyright. Your second comment and first comment have no correlation to one another, and, even if they did have correlation, your second comment doesn’t defend your first comment based on what you’re trying to call them out for. You’re trying to grasp, and it just ain’t working. No one gives a f if someone copies a copyrighted joke word-for-word on the Internet except for you.
In the USSR, a man goes into a shop and says “You don’t have any meat?” The shopkeeper says: “No, we don’t have fish. It’s the store across the street that doesn’t have meat.”
NO BODY yes...I know....? They are my neighbours... Reagan was a total joke as a president and only bootlickers laugh at his jokes... The rest laugh of his stupidity...
An American spy was sent in USSR to see how people live there. Goes into the meat store. Asks if they have any meat. - No, we don't have any meat. - 'pulls out his notebook' "Out of meat", noted. Goes into a fish store and asks if they have fish. - No, we don't. - "Out of fish". A KGB agent that was looking at this comes closer to a spy and says: - You know, if Stalin was alive we would've shoot you. - "Out of ammo", noted as well.
Soviet joke along similar lines. CIA spent $1 million and 10 years to train a perfect spy for infiltration into USSR. Taught him perfect Russian with a bit of slang and some local dialects. The works. Finally, it's go time. CIA parachutes the spy deep inside rural USSR. The spy walks along a dusty road for a few miles and comes across a small village in the middle of nowhere. (S)py looks inside the first yard and sees an old (B)abushka milking a cow. (S) - Hey babushka, can you spare some milk for a thirsty traveler? (B) - Sure sonny, here you go. (S) - Daaang ma, that's some really good milk you got there. (B) - Yeah, sure is better than what you got in America. (S) - !!!! WHAT ... BUT ... How in the world did you figure I am from America?! (B) - Sonny, we haven't had anyone this black here since forever.
This is one that was apparently told in East Germany. Q: Why do the secret police go around in threes? A: The first one can read, the second one can write and third one is there to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.
Not funny! In 1989, I told this joke during a ride on a Moscow tram. Suddenly, two men in civilian clothes approached me, one of them asked for my ID. He took my passport and said to his colleague: Igor, write down, his name is Alexey Ivanovitch, date of birth ....
My favorite is the one about the painting of Adam and Eve. A Frenchman, a Brit, and a Russian are in an art gallery arguing over the painting of Adam and Eve. The Frenchman says, "They must be French. Look at how naked and beautiful they are." The Brit says, "They are British. Look how calm and stoic they are." The Russian says, "No way. They are naked, have no shelter, with only one apple to eat, and are told it is paradise. They must be Russian."
Two prisoners chat in communist Hungary in 1952: - What did yo get? - 10 years. - For what? - For nothing! - It is impossible! For nothing you should have got 5 years!
General Secretary Brezhnev was returning from East Germany by train, His wife asks "Where are we Leonid?" Mr Brezhnev put his hand out the train window and says "Still in East Germany." A while later Mrs Brezhnev asks "Where are we now Leonid?" Hand out the window again. Brezhnev says "Somewhere in Poland." Even later Mrs Brezhnev asks "Where are we now Leonid?" Hand out the window. "Just pulling into Moscow." "But Leonid, how could you tell where we were just by putting your hand out the window?" Brezhnev replied "Easy my dear. In East Germany they kissed my hand. In Poland they spat on it. In Russia they stole my watch."
@@faceless_lurker funny thing is people complain about low pay but yet won’t put enough work to make more money. To lazy to make something out of themselves but begging on their knees for government help 🤦🏻♂️
@@Archive-w5s Not quite, I moved to the U.S coming from a country with a lot of government intervensions, and even tough I'm currently earning the minimum wage I'm glad I'm making $50 a day instead of $50 a week.
It's just the gravel in his voice. He was a decent president. But he also made some grave errors. Ignoring the AIDS epidemic then beibg recorded cracking jokes about homosexuals dying from it ... That's definitely one of his worst mistakes. However, he handled Cold War issues rather well. And he was an effective leader in working with Congress, even if he passed a few bills i don't think were entirely wise. The Republican party has fallen very far from Reagan. Very far.
An old man walks up to a guard at the Kremlin... "Good day to you comrade, I´d like to talk to Stalin" "But grandpa, comrade Stalin died long ago!" The next day, the old man is there again... "Good morning, I´d like to talk to Stalin" The guard, slightly annoyed: "Like I said, comrade Stalin died years ago" The day after, he´s there again... "Good morning, I´d like to talk to Stalin" The guard, now pissed off... "But I told you Stalin died ages ago, why the hell do you keep asking for him?!" "´Cause it´s so bloody GOOD to hear! "
Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In the newspaper office, a discussion is underway about how to caption the picture. "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," and "Pigs surround comrade Khrushchev" are all rejected as politically offensive. Finally, the editor announces his decision: "Third from left - comrade Khrushchev."
Under the Stalin era,Pavel and Oleg,two soviet soldiers are guarding the entrance to the Kremlin: - Hey between us...what do you think of Stalin ? -Oh you know well that I think the exact same thing as you. -Then in that case,you must be arrested !
Two inmates in a Siberian Gulag are criticising Stalin. A third one overhears them and tells them to stop or else they may be deported. They look at him and ask: "From here? Where to?" (I know this joke is historically inaccurate.)
Here's another one. Reagan suggested that Brezhnev compete in the race. At the end of the competition, "Pravda" newspaper printed the following headline: "Comrade Leonid Ilyich won an honorable second place in the short-distance race, but the American president, alas, barely made it to the penultimate place.
- So you bring rifle to the meeting and tried to kill Khrushchev? - Yes, I did. - You have a good rifle. You were in a good position. How did you miss? - Once I prepare my rifle people around saw that. They grabbed my rifle and said: "Let me! Let me do that!!!"
A survey conducted btwn an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian, "what was the best moment of your life?" Englishman: " I started my own enterprise and became a millionaire!" Frenchman: " I had candle light dinner with a beautiful Italian woman on Eiffel Tower" Russian: "When NKVD broken into my bedroom and screamed Ivan! You're under arrest for conspiracy against the Party! And to which I replied apologies, I am Sergei, Ivan lives next door"
Essentially it tells you the dark humour behind the mental priority of these countries. English excel as industrial merchants, French are repetitive romantics and Russians are just trying to survive and escape the purge and Gulags(Siberian labour camps for political prisoners)
In one of Moscow's kindergartens, a lady asks children: - In which country do children have the best houses, clothes and toys? - In the Soviet Union! - say all the children. - In which country do the happiest people live? - In the Soviet Union! - the children answer again. Suddenly, the teacher notices that one of the children is standing in the corner and crying. - Wowa, why are you crying? - Because I would love to live in the Soviet Union so much!
What weighs 6,000 pounds, costs 50 million rubles, and cuts an apple into three slices? A Soviet machine designed to cut an apple into four slices. As the Cold War came to a head, the US and the USSR decided that military spending was killing them both and agreed to settle the whole thing with a dog fight. They set a date in five years to breed and train their dog and then the two animals would fight it out. So the Soviets get the best military trainers and they mate the most ferocious guard dog in the Russian Army with a giant Siberian wolf. The litter is forced to fight over bones and scraps and soon the strongest ones have devoured the weak and the remaining of these beast dogs have their food cut off entirely with only each other to eat. Soon, the biggest and meanest of the dogs is all that is left and he is plunged into a vicious training regimen. They run him near to death across the frozen Siberian wasteland, make him swim for his life in the arctic ocean, and have him face off against wild bears and Siberian tigers. Every night, they beat him with lead pipes to make him tough and mean. -Finally, the day of the dog fight comes. Ten hulking Spetsnaz soldiers drag this animal into the ring with chains and cattle prods. Then, at the other end of the room, in walks a US Air Force corporal holding the leash of what looks like a fat, demented, Dachshund that waddles slowly into the ring. The Russians cannot believe their eyes and gleefully release their monster dog to tear this strange, warped creature to shreds. The Russian dog leaps through the air at the American dog, when suddenly, the entire front half of the American dog opens up into a giant maw lined with razor sharp teeth! To the Russians' horror, it devours the Russian dog in one massive bite! -The head Russian trained drops to his knees and cries out: "I can't believe it! We just spent five years breeding and training the perfect canine killing machine!!!" - The Air Force corporal shrugs. "That's nothing. We just spent five years making an alligator look like a dog." (This Soviet joke illustrates how bewildered they were when we won the Cold War after they were so convinced they were the toughest and the strongest).
I remember when the coup happened, not long after seeing that guy and thinking "Well, I hope you have a backup plan, friend!" Every one of his jokes were about USSR. He might be able to reuse a few now.
One thing I can say about President Reagan, he had a good sense of humor. Even after being shot in a failed assassination attempt, he was cracking jokes in the hospital.
I am from Eastern Europe and i was a small child when comunism fell. My parents had a check deposit for a car so i can buy one in 10 years or so. When the comunism ended the inflation went skyrocket and with that money i could buy a bycicle at best. The same happened in Rusia so he probably didn 't get the car...
In Bulgaria (it wasnt part of the USSR but still under its influence), there is a joke that says "if communism hadnt fallen all these years ago my car would have arrived today".
to be serious, those people who invested money in the Soviet economy before the USSR collpase, they did not get the money back. Google USSR Sberbank payments.
I'm from an ex Eastern Bloc country and based on what my grandfather used to tell me, you really did have to wait for years on end to get a car. I don't know if it was exactly 10 years but you had to sign up and wait until they eventually contacted you years later.
I knew somebody in the GDR. He waited 14 years! For a plastic 500 CC 2-stroke Trabant Car! That's why the second-hand cars were more expensive than the new ones.
Funny fact . An used car was 50% more expensive . No joke . Because you got it on the spot from the seller unless ordering and waiting 5 years A VCR was more then half a car price because they were hard to get and everyone wanted to see western movies. This was in Romania
I heard a good one once. Two Russians are sitting at the bar having a couple drinks. The first one pounds his fist on the counter and says to his friend, "You know, for all the propaganda we hear, I still don't even understand the difference between communism and capitalism. Both only make people miserable!" "Comrade!" says his friend, aghast. "How can you even say that? The two are complete opposites!" "How's that?" asks the first man. "Well, under capitalism, man oppresses his fellow man," says his friend. "And under communism?" "Other way around."
crqf2010ruler The point is that there’s no difference, but only an utopia forced into peoples minds. The soviet is brainwashed so he believes that the “other way around” is better, when it is plainly the same shit.
General Secretary Gorbatchov is going by car to a meeting. Suddenly his driver hits a pig near a small village and stops the car. Gorbatchov gives him 100 rubel and tells him: "Take the dead pig, go into the village, find out who's the owner, apologize to him and give him this money." Several hours later the driver returns totally drunk. Gorbatchov asks: "Why are you so wasterd???" "Well I put the pig into a sack, went to the market in the village and started telling people - I am Gorbatchov's driver and I killed the pig! And suddenly they started to pour me vodka!"
Amen to that. I became a Reagan Democrat -- and proud of it! I wish Reagan was President today to straighten out this country like he did in the early 1980s.
A Soviet guy called Ivan goes to another town and shares a hotel room with three other guys. They buy some vodka in the evening and start telling political jokes. Ivan decides to scare his roommates a little, goes out of the room and asks a waitress to bring a cup of tea to their room in 5 minutes. Then, he comes back and addresses his company: - Comrades, you should be careful about those political jokes. You know, KGB has mics installed all over the room. Even this ashtray on the table might have one inside. - Oh, come on Ivan, you're being paranoid. Then, Ivan takes the ashtray and speaks into it. - Please bring a cup of tea to my room. In a couple of minutes, the waitress brings the tea. Ivan's roommates fall silent, finish their vodka and go to sleep. So does Ivan. In the morning, he awakes and finds himself alone in the room. He comes away and asks the waitress about what happened to his comrades. - Oh, you don't really need to know about that, - she replies. - Um, why was I spared then? - You know, - she tells him, - the Comrade Mayor really loved your joke with that ashtray.
In the 80-s, it was even a Romanian variant ! And I've heard that joke originally stemmed from a real case, occured in a night train across Soviet Russia in the 70-s
This is one I heard years ago: "Comrades! Our economy is booming and our people are getting wealthier every year! Statistically, in a year, every comrade will be able to afford a bicycle. In 5 years, every comrade will be able to afford an automobile, and in 10 years, comrades, we will all be able to afford helicopters!" "But Comrade Secretary, why would we need helicopters?" "Because if they deliver toilet paper to Kiev, you'd want to be there first, wouldn't you?"
@@dontreadmyprofilepicture507 food and other products were rationalized in many communist countries including Russia, therefore you had to sit in queues kilometers wide to buy anything from meat to toilet paper. Products being rationalized also meant there was a constant shortage of anything, so you'd want to be the first in line to be able to find anything left to buy. People in comunist countries weren't poor financially, there just wasn't really anything to buy with the money
A reporter asks Gorbacev about the status of worlds Capitalism: Gorbacev responds: "Capitalism is standing on the very precipice of absolute disaster"! Another reporter asks about the status of worlds Communism: Gorbacev responds: "Comrade, as you should know, communism is always one steap ahead of capitalism!"
@atulya vaibhav Lmao 90% of the democrats don't want Bernie, 90% don't want Joe, 90% don't want Yang, but 100% don't want Trump. Democrats have to appeal to both centrists and leftists while Republicans only need to worry about conservatives America is skewed very much to the right side of the political spectrum due to Cold War fears, so even moderates are called commies over there. In Europe, Biden is considered a right leaning centrist
@atulya vaibhav I can say that because if most democrats wanted people like Bernie, they would win every election. The reality is that the majority of the population resides in the center of the political spectrum (America's version of the center), and that they switch from left and right depending on how well the previous President did. Democrats always talk about "casting a wide net" because their voters DON'T all support one person. They have to convince many different people with many different beliefs that they are their best option. This is also the reason why the DNC did NOT choose Bernie in the 2016 election. They believed he leaned far too left and that he would alienate voters who resided more in the center. They chose Hillary because they believed more people could rally behind her as a left leaning centrist. Her being female was just icing on the cake. They chose Biden this year for the same reasons. They knew they needed a far more centrist politician so that they could get enough votes to squeeze Trump out of office. This election, all things considered, was incredibly close. I believe that Trump's strong personality and unforgiving political stances gave too many people enough of a reason to vote, because this election had a much much higher voter turn out rate than any other election since 1968 (According to data by the Associated Press).
Three Soviet workers are put in jail. They start talking about why they went there. Why the KGB put you in jail, Ivan? - My watch do not work well and was late at factory , i was accused of sabotaging Communist production. And you Roman? - Oh mine too so, i gave a good margin and was too early. I was accused of being a spy. Then ask the other two: And you Alexey? - I was on time at factory, so they accused me of having a watch from the West...
In a school in Poland , the teacher ask one of the class kid to name some countries friendly to Poland - Sure Ma'am, you have Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania, China. - Good Janusz, but you have forgotten the most important and friendly , the USSR ... - But Ma'am, you said friendly, USSR is even more than that, it's our brother country ! - Well Ok, that don't makes much of a difference ... - Excuse-me Ma'am, it does. You can choose your friends, but not your family.
@@AnthonyChinaskiIt may well have been a Soviet joke. Soviet jokes didn't have to be accurate- they were a way to blow off resentment towards the government.
@@AnthonyChinaski Maybe it's true but what I've heard and read (from people who witnessed the USSR) there were frequent shortages of meat, some food was not sold in a lot of regions, and in 80's it felt like there was a constant goods shortage, which felt different depending on where you live. So the joke is true in it's own way.
That's why while having worse land USSR outperformed USA or came closer to it production while having less resources and sponsoring every other communist state.
@@Русские_вперед Except they didn't. And they went entirely bankrupt and, you know, collapsed. Because they couldn't keep up. And also, America had all the capitalist areas they were watching as well (i.e. phillipines and Guam and all that jazz)
This one is from socialist bulgaria The general secretery Todor Jivkov walks down a market,he stops and looks at a single watermelon. The seller says "Choose " Jivkov says: " Theres only one though! " The seller says: "Well you're one too but we still choose you everytime! "
@@himanshu7103 In USSR there used to be ridiculous elections with only one candidate in bulletin. Today's elections are not such a profanity - there are more candidates, but the procedure is abused.
I actually heard another version of joke about dogs: Capitalist, socialist and communist arranged a meeting. Socialist came late. Sorry for being late, I was standing in a queue to get some sausages. Capitalist: What's queue? Communist: What's sausages?
I fundamentally disagree with Regan's policies, but I will not deny his humor was on point. This is the man who after getting shot, while en route to the hospital for treatment, turned to his wife and said "I forgot to duck"
I wouldn't have expected the ghost of Reagan's smarmy xenophobia to generate this wonderful trove of totalitarian humor!?! Thanks everybody! So Good..:::😂🤣😅
After 40 years of work, Ivan Ivanovich retires from the lamp factory. On his last day a party is organized and he receives a gift. When he opens the box, to his surprise there is a wristwatch in it. He is seemingly unhappy: 'After 40 years of hard work, is it all you give me?' 'Well, what did you expect?' 'At least a lamp.' 'But Ivan Ivanovich, please don't tell me, that during these 40 years you did not steal enough components to build your own lamp at home!' 'Sure I did. But whenever I assembled them, it always become an assault rifle!'
TARGE170 I quite agree. Here’s one about my beloved USA: One year, John Johnson retired from his job at a TV factory after 50 years. On leaving, he was presented with a plaque. Disappointed, he asked if there was anything else. A TV, perhaps. “John,” the manager said, “do you really wish to tell me that you haven’t stolen enough parts to build a TV?” “No,” said John. “But it reassembled into an oil rig every time.”
Wow...the name of the character is ironic for me because you see i am from Serbia(not Siberia,Serbia is Central European country) and in Serbia we have a man whose name is Ivan Ivanovich and he works in the show called " The Night with Ivan Ivanovich", which is on the TV every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, it's basically one of thise shows that make fun of the government lol
@@jamesharding3459 When I read your answer and old oil rig joke came into my mind. An American tourist is looking at the Eiffel Tower in Paris and says: It is here now for a while, but they still didn't find oil..
American and Soviet chickens are lying on the counter in the meat department. American chicken says: Look at me. I am plump, pink and fat. And look at you - bluish, skin and bones. Soviet chicken replies: Well, at least I died my own natural death.
Gorbachev arrives at the factory and asks the best worker: - Tell me honestly: would you be able to work as well after a glass of vodka? "Well, I could. - And after two?" - I could, too. - And after three?" - I'm working, aren't I…
Gorbachev's advisor warns him that cracking down on alcohol consumption might cause unexpected problems. Maybe he should reconsider his policy. "Why, I'm quite comfortable with people calling me mineralniy secretar instead of generalniy secretar. I'm not going to change my policy. Excessive drinking must go." "But please comrade Gorbachev, just imagine millions of Soviet people sobering up at the same time!"
Yuri Gagarin had to go on a mission quickly. Valentina, his wife, was not home, so he left her a note on the table: "I am going to the moon, I’ll be back in 6 months." All good, he comes back after 6 months and finds a note on the table left by his wife: "I'm gone to buy meat, I don't know when I'll be back."
Stalin's favorite joke: -I've lost my smoking pipe! -I will find it soon comrade Stalin. -Beria replies A day later Stalin sits on his couch and finds the smoking pipe amongst the pillows. -I have found it comrade Beria. -Comrade Stalin are you sure? Three saboteurs have just confessed to have stolen it!
There's a better version: - Comrade Stalin, are you sure? 3 out of 4 saboteurs have just confessed to have stolen it! - 3 out of 4?! Keep investigating!
What’s ironic is that it was Bush, not Reagan, that was the one largely responsible for the reunification of Germany and the dissolution of the Soviet Union. Bush was a diplomatic genius, capable of making even his enemies dance for him, while all Reagan did was look cool, give some awesome one liners, spend like a democrat, and deficit the shit out of the US budget.
During the Cold War, Ronald Reagan snaps and orders a nuclear strike on Moscow. The whole city is then obliterated by atomic fire, but the Politburo managed to escape into a shelter. After the shock wears off, Gorbachev orders a retaliatory strike on Washington. But his generals say: "Comrade Gorbachev, all nuclear warheads are either stolen or faulty. All we have are rubber dummies for parades!" Furious, Gorbachev goes: "Doesn't matter! Fire a rubber warhead for all I care!" The launch order is executed. Some time later, an ecstatic soldier bursts into the bunker and yells: "Comrade Gorbachev! An astounding victory! Washington, New York and Philadelphia were destroyed, multiple American airbases were taken out and the warhead is STILL bouncing!"
Q: How do you double the value of a Soviet automobile?
A: Fill up the tank.
At least the Russians build cars in Russia
@@redwater4778 not that you can call them cars
@@user-wx4nv8xr3d Reagan let the auto industry take their factories overseas at the cost of American jobs. Then he reduced the tariff on said countries. How fucked is that ?
@@redwater4778 Who cares? It's too expensive to manufacture them in the U.S anymore.
@@Snubrevolver Exactly. Why should your fellow countrymen have a lifestyle ?
In Soviet Russia we had 2 TV stations. Station 1 was government propaganda, Station 2 was man from KGB say, 'Turn television to Channel 1."
5.5 not bad at all.
Julia J I read that in Ifunny bc one of the dudes at the shop was russian
300
Also fucking genius.
That joke was from that shitty book
Fr we here in estonia got lucky because we were close enough to finland to watch finnish tv and actually understand whats going on in the world instead of being spoonfed lies
Glad to see the comments section has turned into a Soviet joke generator.
Lol
Lol
Go to soviet union anthem even better
@@erikeriks lol
@@ibsoccerstaryt2248 Lol
Stalin is sitting in his office signing papers, when suddenly his assistant bursts through the door
“Comrade Stalin! A man just came in, he claims to be clairvoyant! He says he can see the future!”
Without missing a beat Stalin responds: “send him to the gulag, if he really can see the future he wouldn’t have come here”
love the messenger but not the message
😂😂😂😂
stalin would've had the assistant exiled to siberia for bursting into his room unannounced
This sounds like it might originally be a Soviet, not an American joke. Am i right?
Oh. And your username is Russian / Slavic!
@@Robespierre-lI thank you for adding the Slavic part I’m Ukrainian and it’s an old joke from the Ukrainian SSR, I, myself am from Dnipropetrovsk
Two Russians are in line for bread in Moscow.
One says, "We've been here for three hours! I can't take it anymore! I'm going to go kill Khrushchev!" and leaves.
After a short while, he comes back, so his friend asks, "What happened?"
"The line there is even longer!"
😂😂😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😂😂😂😃😃😃😃😃😃😃omg my heart is broken man!
That's so funny man . So can you share some joke anymore ?. Soviet joke or usa joke are also ok
Two soviet soldiers, Ivan and Dimitri, are manning a bridge when they see a man rushing to get home before the curfew. Suddenly, one of the soldiers raises his rifle and shoots the man in the back.
Shocked, Ivan, asks: "Dimitri! Why did you shoot that man?! The curfew starts in 5 minutes!!"
Dimitri answers: "I know where he lives, it's ten minutes away from here!!"
Brezhnev and his wife are headed home from a conference in East Germany, when his wife, already impatient, asks how far they've gone. Brezhnev sticks his hand out of the window and then pulls it back in and says:
"we're still in East Germany."
"How could you tell?" his wife asks.
"because I stuck my hand out and somebody kissed it."
A while later, his wife asks again how far they've gone. Again, Brezhnev sticks his hand out, then pulls it back in and says:
"We're in Poland now."
Again his wife asks how he knew and he answers:
"Because I stuck my hand out and somebody spat on it."
After a few more hours, his wife is impatient and asks one more time where they are. Brezhnev sticks his hand out once more and says:
"Oh honey, we're finally back in Moscow."
"How did you know?" his wife asks again, to which he answers:
"because I stuck my hand out and somebody stole my watch."
You are hot as hell.
"watcha doin, comrades?"
"we're demolishing the brick factory"
"but we need bricks!"
"that's why we're demolishing it"
This comment deserves a lot more likes
😂😂😂😂😂
Killed it!!!👌
Because the brick factory ain't producing shit. Lol good one.
@@Aaron.T2005 it's more deep than that.
UA-cam is like USSR, you only get what you'd like 10 years later.
Nice one
Recommendations are one thing, the "free speech" according to UA-cam is like straight outta USSR...
facts.
I'm here before this comment explode
lol
I like this one:
Early in the morning Brezhnev looked at the sky and smiled to the sun. Suddenly the Sun said, "Good morning, dear Leonid Ilyich." Amazed and happy, Brezhnev told the Politburo members that even the sun knew him and greeted him personally. The Politburo men were skeptical but kept their doubts for themselves. Toward the evening, Brezhnev said to them, "I see you don't trust my word. Let's go outside and I will show you!" They walked out and Brezhnev said to the sun which was already low, "My dear Sun, good evening." The Sun answered, "Go to hell, you old idiot." "What's that?" Brezhnev shouted angrily. "Do you know who you are talking with?" "I don't give a damn," the Sun said. "I'm already in the West, I do what I want!"
😂😂😂
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
💀
😂😂😂😂
Man I love clever jokes like that
Two KGB agents together.
Agent #1: "Comrade, what do you think of our glorious Soviet Union?"
Agent #2: "The same as you do, Comrade."
Agent #1: "Comrade, you are under arrest!"
u cppied this joke from someone else
@@jiaerui1680 The original was about two East German soldiers at the frontier - I made some adjustments ;) .
@@KrautGoesWild ooooooh i was like: hey, wait a minute lol
@@jiaerui1680 no such thing as copying if the joke belongs to ALL of us
@@therealw04 this is the single greatest comment i have ever fucking read
A judge comes out of his Moscow courtroom laughing hysterically.
A fellow judge looks on in puzzlement and asks him what's so funny.
"I just heard the best joke ever!"
"Oh yeah? Let's hear it."
"No can do. I just gave the guy ten years in prison for telling it!"
at least when he gets out his car will be ready
@@arthurbenedetti9146 except he wont be able to claim it because he is a felon. And under the soviet union felons had no right to formal property, they lived in tenant housing till they regained social status... most of them died in prison before getting released anyway
Sounds like the modern UK
@@yourearidiculouslunatic8435 Don't be ridiculous U.K. Judges wholeheartedly believe they aren't even jokes.
robert goodman You Must Be Fun At Partys
Here’s another classic, Stalin is visiting the farmlands outside of Leningrad, he visits one such potato farmer, he asks the farmer “comrade, how many potatoes have you produced?” The farmer responds with “well comrade Stalin, if you stacked them, they would reach god in the sky” Stalin replied with “but god does not exist” the farmer says “neither do the potatoes comrade stalin”
True but I'm sending you to gulag for exposing me
@Oscar Wind stop talking like you had freedom of speach, this is Soviet Russia comrade
Hahaha this one is good
It's also weird because when Stalin was young, he actually went to seminary school to be a priest. Not sure if he ever went fully atheist after that.
@Oscar Wind to the guillotine
Napoleon and one of his top generals are watching a Soviet military parade. Napoleon is glancing at a Russian newspaper. The general says to Napoleon "If we had soldiers like those we would have won Waterloo!", later the general says "If we had guns like those we would have easily defeated Wellington!", then the general says "If we had those tanks instead of horses, we could have crushed the British!". Napoleon looks up from the newspaper and says "If we had a newspaper like this, no-one would know that we lost the battle".
Except that Napoleon, Soviets and tanks haven't lived to see eachother.
@@goldeagle8051 presumably the joke places Napoleon as a ghost watching earth
@@DM-mi4je I feel you. So the joke should start: ‘The ghosts of Napoleon and his top generals who are watching earth, were attending a Soviet military parade.’
@John Carroll lol and I’m just joking around too, you head.
This is gold
People say the KGB was cold and uncaring, but you've got to give them credit for being great listeners.
I guess the NSA is a fantastic listener too
That took me a second but when I got it, the pay off was priceless
Ахахахаха 😂 😂 😂 so true lol
E
@@EEEEEEEE E
My favourite is still this one:
A man comes into a store in Moscow and says "I would like to buy half a kilogram of meat", The girl behind the counter says "You went into the wrong store, it's in the store across the street that there's no meat. In this store there's no milk."
mateuszmattias really funny
Didn't get it
@אהרון אברמוב You'd think so, but I'm not really Polish, lived there for several year, hence the name, but no, I'm just staunchly anti communist...
@@AdityaDeo-cg6eu The guy went into a dairy shop, but the butchery is on the opposite side of the street. Both of them are out of stock
This one is from the union too:
Old man walking down the red square and says loudly thanks Stalin for happy childhood then a man says to him"but Stalin wasn't ruling when you was a child" the old man said "for this I thank him"
I dont get it
@@discovaria9507 He thanks Stalin for not ruling during his childhood
Discovaria How don’t you get it?
(sshhh! He's a former party official.)
420 likes
Reagan and Gorbachev made a bet about whose country has more drunks. Reagan is first to visit USSR. Of course, he sees drunkards all over the place - in the airport, on the streets, in restaurants, etc. Then it's Gorbachev turn. He flies into Washington. Reagan greets him on the tarmac, hands him a Colt and says: If you see any drunks on the street, you can just shoot them, no questions asked. After it gets dark, Gorbachev goes on the prowl in Washington D.C. Sure enough, after a short while he sees a man stumbling around. Bang! Shoots him dead. A few minutes later he sees another man who can't even walk being propped-up by his two very drunk buddies. Bang, bang, bang! Shoots all three. This goes on until Gorbachev is out of ammo. Satisfied, he returns back to his hotel and goes to sleep. In the morning, he is served breakfast with the morning copy of Washington Post. Top headline reads: Last night, an unidentified, bald-headed terrorist shot half the staff of the Soviet Embassy.
I like this one
@@karman103batth4 😂😂
Ахахаха... But seriously, stop it, we have vodka in our blood, we don't need drink more.
Long but worth it for the pay off😂
WOW
this right here is from socialist Romania:
In a bathroom:
“Have we got any hot or warm water?”
“Yes we do but it’s cold”
Ill pay that... very good.
Haha cute one
Oh, ohhh man, brings back memories!!! Ceausescu started the Green New Deal by cutting our heating and electricity!
This is from Parazitii.
Mihai Munteanu Nu e de la parazitii
An American, a Russian, and a Chinese are in a car.
They stop to a intersection to discuss which way to go.
The American said “I like capitalism, so let's turn right”.
The Russian said “I like communism, so let's turn left”.
And the Chinese said “I don’t like either, so let’s signal left and turn right”.
asians are bad drivers , lol , turning right but signalling left
And the Chinese said “I like Chinese-style socialism, so let’s signal left and turn right”. (Yep , we already give it a name)
Darius Valikalari strict laws can regulate people’s behaviour. If a country wasn’t built upon high moral standard it’s quite necessary. Look at HongKong today, the democracy and human rights won’t help without strict laws
@@zuboy4272 r/wooooosh! (1/2)
Uncle Mike Totalitarianism doesn't really have anything to do with communism though
Bloke goes into a spare parts shop in Moscow, and says "I'd like a hubcap for my Lada.' Bloke behind the counter thinks for a moment and says 'Sounds like a fair swap.'
Brilliant
Lmao, pretty good
Though it took me a while to figure out how this joke would work with Russian prepositions
@@SoberCake Come up with anything?
@@Jafroboy
- Хочу себе покрышку на мою ладу
- Звучит как честный обмен
???
The most vicious weapon made during the Cold War: Reagan's Soviet jokes
A weapon to surpass metal gear
Top 10 Weapons that are too brutal for War
Number One:
In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts: "Down with a tyrant with a moustaсhe!". Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin.
- Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with a tyrant with a moustaсhe!"?, - Stalin asks.
- Well of couse i meant Hitler!
- Wery good, comrade, you are free to go.
Man walks away, Beria tries to do so, but Stalin stops him:
- Not so fast, comrade Beria. Tell me, who did YOU have in mind?
Oooh that was dark and very clever, 12 likes is not nearly enough! very funny Pavel.
Beria was a psychopath who would literally drive around in his limo searching for teen girls and women to bring back to his house and rape. He would hand them flowers afterwards. Accept them and it was considered a 'date' and consensual and you got to live. Refuse them and you could end up in prison or worse. He was finally sentenced to death for treason after the war and sentenced to death. He lay on the floor wailing and begging for the same mercy he showed none of his victims before he was silenced with a bullet to the forehead. Good riddance.
Took me a minute...but I got it, haha
@@seltzer8865 Good movie. I was unsure till end who is on whose side
Smart jokes
In 1952, two prisoners are sitting in a Hungarian prison. One asks the another:
-Why are you here?
-Because of political reasons.
-What political reasons?
-I am a plumber, and I got called in to the party committee to fix their sink. And they asked what was the problem and I said: "The whole system is rotten, everything must be replaced!"
this one is epic!
I am from Hungary, and I remember once my dad told this joke to his fellow.
Thats nice 😂
after death, the plumber goes to hell and is tormented by devils there. Why is this happening to me ? Remember when you served time in prison and became president, changed the "rotten system"? "everyone hates you ever since ))))))))
Is there a way I can grant immortality to comments
She: "Come over!"
Stalin: "I can't, I'm sending people to gulag!"
She: "My parents aren't home!"
Stalin: "I know!"
It could be funny if I can believe that Stalin was a chick magnet😂
Old but gold
@@djarvils Look up pictures of him when he was young, quite handsome
Haha
Angry People Media this is the best comment 😂😂😂
Comrade Khrushchev visited a collective farm that raises pigs. Reporters took pictures for Pravda for an article. After writing up the article and placing the picture on the page, the editors aren't sure how to caption the photograph. The ideas thrown around are: "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs", "Pigs and Khrushchev", and so on. Finally, after much deliberation, the article makes it to the press. The photograph is captioned: "Comrade Khrushchev is third one from the right".
"Is it true that Stalin collects jokes with and about himself?"
"Yes it is true, but he also collects the people who make them"
Wrong. Right version is: "Yes, he's already collected two barracks"
I also collect their families
@@josephstalin364 Wise choise. As always.
fkn lie
Guess who’s back, back again.
Hans, a man from West Germany decides to move at Eastern Berlin. His mother tells him:
Hans, my boy. From the first moment that you cross the Iron Fence, you are in dangerous territory. Don't dare to write me that there is something bad in a communist country. In your letters, you will use a blue pen if you are telling me the truth, and red pen if you are lying.
About 2 weeks later, the first letter arrives, and every word is blue.
My dear mother,
The 2 weeks that have passed were enough to make me love the East Germany. The people are great, the system cares about everyone, and generally, there is a very pleasant atmosphere. The only negative is that I can't find red pen anywhere.
Edit: Thank you all 700 people who liked the joke. I have never recieved so many likes
One of the better ones I've seen.
Im dumb right now, can someone pls explain😂
Kalifa Pharao Red print=lie (So he wasn’t caught talking smack about communism.) He couldn’t find a red pen, so he wrote that without the guards knowing of their conversation, to let his mom know it was a shithole
Adity Dev
Eastern Germany was communist until the Berlin Wall fell, then Berlin wasn’t split up anymore and was no longer communist.
Congrats on 900.!
“The Lubyanka building is the tallest building in all of Russia. You can see all the way to Siberia from the basement!”
I don't get it. Can you explain?
@@nickl7544 The Lubyanka building was the headquarters of the KGB, where suspected dissenters were tortured before being sent to the gulags in siberia
Yo, russian humor is OIL (dark gold).
Better with Luba in Majorka, than with major in Lubyanka.
Still too soon for that !
- Comrade, do you think we will ever reach true Communism?
- Of course, Comrade. Communism is just over the horizon.
- And what is horizon?
- It's an imaginary line far ahead that no matter how long you travel to, you will never reach.
Isn't that the truth.
A Polish one; “where is capitalism now?”, going off the edge of a cliff. “And communism?“, always one step ahead.
There should be a show called "Thats So Reagan"
he was a tv show host
Wasn't Ronald Reagan an actor so he could star in a TV Show?
Trump was a TV host too lol
Julia J exactly
That's So Ronald
Three comrades in jail having a conversation:
"Why are you in prison?".
"I said something bad about comrade Rokosowski, why did they arrest you?"
"I said something good about comrade Rokosowski." Now they turned to the 3rd guy,
"Why are you in prison"
"I am comrade Rokosowski"
LOL
To cringe
@@Sanzzzzzzzzz kid just entered his soviet union phase 💀
@@AverageAlien Some alien believer lol who kid here
@@Sanzzzzzzzzz it's ok kiddo you'll grow out of it
Q: Why are ex-KGB operatives the best cab drivers?
A: You just tell them your name - they know where you live!
👏👏👏👏👍
Nice one 😂😂
@Balage78Szfvar what are you on?
@@evzenvarga9707 glue
@Balage78Szfvar sod off left wing extremist
Peasants from a collective farm make their way to see Lenin with an appeal.
- Comrade Lenin, we are all out of food. We've resorted to eating hay. Soon, we'll start mooing like cows.
- Nonsense, my dear Comrade. Just last night, Comrade Stalin and I ate a bucket of honey, and you don't hear us buzzing, now do you?
Don't get this
@@CaptainGrimes1 it's probably a joke about how the Soviet leaders eat and the people eat
@@CaptainGrimes1 Honey is rare and expensive, its a joke about how the leaders keep everything to themselves
That dad joke smile he has after delivering the punchline is just priceless
E
@@EEEEEEEE engineer gaming
too bad he’s Reagan
and then he killed a million people with aids.
@@engineergaming3 engineer gaming
A communist jokes isn’t funny until everyone gets it
If one person gets it, *we* all do.
Nice one :D
😸😸
👏
I’ve heard that one
The Romanian jokes from the Iron Curtain days are even funnier!
One of my favorites: Minister Zaroni is talking to the man arrested for inventing jokes about him. He asks, "are you the one who made up the joke about the game of 'ting tong'? The arrested man chuckles and says, 'yes'! Zaroni then asks, "are you the one who made up the joke about me carrying my dirty socks to the concert?" The arrested man laughs even hard, slaps his knee and says, 'yes!'. Finally Zaroni says to him, "But don't you understand I am a Minister?” The man replies, "oh, I did not make up that joke"!
This one was actually told by the Romanian Minister of Justice, after he was removed from power and thrown into prison:
A Swiss member of parliament went to see his Prime Minister and said "I really believe I've earned a promotion." The PM says "Well, you're doing a good job so far, there might be a chance to find a ministerial position for you. Did you have anything particularly in mind?" "As a matter of fact I do. I would really like to be Minister in charge of the Navy please." "What are you talking about?" says the PM, "you realise this is Switzerland: we don't have a coastline and we don't have a Navy." "Yes I know" says the ambitious politician, "but I figured, you know, if Romania can have a Minister of Justice..."
@@RGP_Maths Yes, that was a good one. The version of it I heard first was a little different: instead of Romania, it was Georgia, and it was a Ministry of Culture;)
Stalin was on his way Warsaw by car. It was the middle of the night in the Polish countryside, and the driver couldn't see the road very well. As they passed a lonely little farmhouse, they felt a huge thump and heard a squeal of an animal.
"Driver Mikhail, go see what is the problem," Stalin demanded.
So the driver stepped out of the car and went to look at the front. "Comrade Stalin, we've run over a pig!"
Stalin sighed, his visit will be delayed. "Well, go and tell the farmers."
So the driver stomped off through the night towards the small wooden farmhouse. Stalin read some newspapers by the light of a match, and eventually fell asleep. As Stalin awoke just before sunrise, he saw the driver stumbling back to the car. His fine suit was ripped, his face was red with lipstick, his hair was a mess, and he could barely navigate the mud below his bare feet.
"Comrade Stalin, my apologies," the driver groaned.
"What is the meaning of this? Explain what happened right now!"
"Comrade Stalin. I knocked on the door and a babushka opened it. Behind her were her three daughters, all very strong from working in the fields. After I spoke, her daughters grabbed me by the collar and made love to me non-stop for four hours straight! Then for the rest of the night we sang and drank vodka. They're still partying right now!"
"What the hell did you say them, Comrade Mikhail?!"
"I said to them, 'Hello, I'm Stalin's driver, and I'm here to tell you that I just killed the pig'."
Ok man that was a good one
Fr that's great
In Soviet Russia, Pig is covert way to get pussy 😂😂😂
😂😂😂😂
😂😂😂😂
In an obscure town of central USSR a guy enters a shop and asks to the shopkeeper:
-I'd like a loaf of bread, please.
-I'm afraid you're mistaken Comrad, here is the shop without meat.... the shop without bread is next door.
xD
Kantstenchon themel good
You made my day. 😂😂😂
A woman goes into a store and asks: _"Don’t you have any meat?"_
The man behind the counter says: _"We don’t have fish. The place where they don’t have meat is across the street."_
This one was popular in Romania too.
Who knew that Reagan was a time traveler and Memelord
isnt that just called a comedian?
We got Elon musk now
@@keycrafter7471 Normie
@@matacoyo dude normies knows the word "MEME" look at the talk shows its getting cringier the more they do it
@@keycrafter7471 am I supposed to take offense to that?
A man goes shopping in a Moscow supermarket, mumbling to himself:
-There's no eggs, no milk, no bread. no meat...
A policeman hears that, approaches him and says:
-Comrade, if you keep talking like this I will hit you in the head with my pistol!
The man replies:
-Jesus!We ran out of bullets too?!
Lol
Actually everybody in the USSR had enough food (at least after Stalin's death). So it's not true that everybody was starving
@@RiccardoMassari9318 My grandmother (who actually also lived in a communist country - Czechoslovakia) has been in Sankt Petersburg on vacation once in 80's and she told me that there was a shortage of meat and other kinds of food. The people probably weren't hungry but they couldn't be picky. Edit: The city was called Leningrad back then of course.
@@petrdv.6185 yes but people were not starving
@@RiccardoMassari9318 Of course not. Because collectivization works, and being a kulak is fun, and those pictures you can find are all photoshopped because photoshop existed back then.
A Hungarian joke from the era of communism:
In 1966 (10 years after the crushed 1956 revolution against invading USSR) two old friends meet.
- Hey, I haven't seen you in ages. What happened to you?
- You know I had my share in the retributions too. I got 10 years.
- Why? What did you do?
- Nothing.
- Come on, for nothing it's only five years.
An American greets an old Soviet friend:
"Hey, buddy, how've you been?"
"Oh, you know, can't complain."
nice
Gulag if he does lol
Heard that one in the kids game Pajama Sam.
"Hi how have you been?"
I can't complain.
"That's good"
It's against the rules.
"Oh"
Awesome
Sounds like America. Getting cancelled and all. You can't complain too much on your job might be called insubordinate or something. America probably overall has had the better system but we have lots of improvements to make and there are people trying and fighting for it we've come from a dark place of slavery and even after that ended of course labor is still forced on everyone because you can't live without working but treatment of workers have gotten better over time. Some things are getting worse with corporate greed but we can get better hopefully.
Here’s one:
When Stalin was on his deathbed, he called Khrushchev by his bedside for a private meeting, and said: “Here, I have chosen you to be my successor. Take these three envelopes, they will guide you. Open the first when I have died, the second when things get a little shaky, and the third when all hope is lost.” And Stalin hands Khrushchev three envelopes. A week later, Stalin dies, and Khrushchev opens the first envelope. It reads: “Seize power.” So he does. A few years later, there is civic unrest, so he opens the second envelops. It reads: “Blame it all on me.” So he does, and things are well for a few years. But after that, the situation with the public becomes hopeless, so Khrushchev opens the third envelope. It reads: “Prepare three envelopes.”
Good one
Heard a different version or two of that one. All pretty good.
Damn,thats deep
lol!
Nice joke.
A workers' demonstration. Several old men carry a big placard with "Thanks comrade Stalin for our happy childhood!" on it.
A KGB agent comes up:
- Are you crazy?! Think what you write - in times of your childhood Stalin was not yet born!
Old men:
- We thank him exactly for that!
NKVD
And then they were gunned down
I wouldn't say tzarist russia was better for the workers
@@fazestepbro49 nah given tenners
@@guilhermecorrea545 It was actually much worse, yes.
The regional KGB headquarters in Arkhangelsk suffered a major fire and was almost completely destroyed. Shortly after, a man called looking for help.
“I’m sorry, we can’t do anything,” said the receptionist. “The KGB has burnt down.”
Five minutes later, the receptionist received another call. “I’m sorry, we can’t help. The KGB has burnt down.”
Another five minutes passed, and the phone rang again. The receptionist recognised the voice as the man who’d twice called previously.
“Why do you keep calling? I told you that the KGB has burnt down.”
“I know. I just like hearing it.”
I’m afraid you copied this joke (kinda). The original joke was about Stalin’s death.
@@carbag7857 This joke is copyrighted 1982 Laughster Enterprises. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited under penalty of law.
@@therealskull4786
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@@carbag7857Oh no.. people take jokes from the Internet to post it other places that has contextual relevance? The dude even admitted it wasn’t his joke, therefore completely nulling whether it matters he changed it up or not. Even without them admitting, there is nothing that indicates they were posing it as their own joke. It just surprises me that, with all of the other comments being kind-of on the same theme of telling jokes they know, you felt the need to bump up your ego by expressing that you’re ‘*afraid*’ they copied a joke towards a very specific comment just because you noticed they used different words in place of the subject - as if every single joke ever made doesn’t have 1,000,000 different subject variations and people remember whatever was the first variation they seen or liked the most. Stop being an egotistical douche and looking for reasons to debate people to make yourself feel better; You went from trying to call them out for copying, to debating copyright. Your second comment and first comment have no correlation to one another, and, even if they did have correlation, your second comment doesn’t defend your first comment based on what you’re trying to call them out for. You’re trying to grasp, and it just ain’t working. No one gives a f if someone copies a copyrighted joke word-for-word on the Internet except for you.
Loll
In the USSR, a man goes into a shop and says “You don’t have any meat?” The shopkeeper says: “No, we don’t have fish. It’s the store across the street that doesn’t have meat.”
Hah ha ha, oh man, this one sounds legit.
???
I also didn't get it....plz explain
@Tom R dude please explain
It's a crack at the artificial shortages that were commonplace in the USSR. It's ok if it doesn't make any sense, that's the joke.
In America, when you tell Soviet jokes, everyone die laughing
In Soviet Russia, you tell Soviet jokes, everyone laughing die
UNDERATED
@@hakimibnobaydah someone sucked daddy's wrong side today
This is why you are American.
@@vinegum8835 He is talking about SOVIET Russia
NO BODY yes...I know....?
They are my neighbours...
Reagan was a total joke as a president and only bootlickers laugh at his jokes...
The rest laugh of his stupidity...
three drunk soviets are sitting in a car:
one of them is driving, the other two are wondering why hes sitting in the backseat
lol fr. I actually laughed
Just another day in USSR
@@xiphactinusaudax1045 me too🤣🤣🤣
@@pasqualesimonelli1513 Usually I see a funny joke, and it's funny and all, but I don't just start laughing
Vodka gives you telekinetic powers
An American spy was sent in USSR to see how people live there. Goes into the meat store. Asks if they have any meat.
- No, we don't have any meat.
- 'pulls out his notebook' "Out of meat", noted.
Goes into a fish store and asks if they have fish.
- No, we don't.
- "Out of fish".
A KGB agent that was looking at this comes closer to a spy and says:
- You know, if Stalin was alive we would've shoot you.
- "Out of ammo", noted as well.
Soviet joke along similar lines.
CIA spent $1 million and 10 years to train a perfect spy for infiltration into USSR. Taught him perfect Russian with a bit of slang and some local dialects. The works. Finally, it's go time. CIA parachutes the spy deep inside rural USSR. The spy walks along a dusty road for a few miles and comes across a small village in the middle of nowhere. (S)py looks inside the first yard and sees an old (B)abushka milking a cow.
(S) - Hey babushka, can you spare some milk for a thirsty traveler?
(B) - Sure sonny, here you go.
(S) - Daaang ma, that's some really good milk you got there.
(B) - Yeah, sure is better than what you got in America.
(S) - !!!! WHAT ... BUT ... How in the world did you figure I am from America?!
(B) - Sonny, we haven't had anyone this black here since forever.
This is one that was apparently told in East Germany.
Q: Why do the secret police go around in threes?
A: The first one can read, the second one can write and third one is there to keep an eye on the
two dangerous intellectuals.
Not funny! In 1989, I told this joke during a ride on a Moscow tram. Suddenly, two men in civilian clothes approached me, one of them asked for my ID. He took my passport and said to his colleague: Igor, write down, his name is Alexey Ivanovitch, date of birth ....
Lmao
xD
@@alexeyshutov4562 The funniest jokes are true!
... 3 and A DOG .. that knows a foreign language.
My favorite is the one about the painting of Adam and Eve.
A Frenchman, a Brit, and a Russian are in an art gallery arguing over the painting of Adam and Eve. The Frenchman says, "They must be French. Look at how naked and beautiful they are." The Brit says, "They are British. Look how calm and stoic they are." The Russian says, "No way. They are naked, have no shelter, with only one apple to eat, and are told it is paradise. They must be Russian."
Lol.....good one....
........
True
xD
@@jasonpascale8519 so much salt in these comments
Yeltsin Russia be like:
This man is so funny! He should run for president
Man do I have some news for you
The Dude Kylie r/woooosh
Mindos2055 that’s not a whoosh, he replied jokingly that’s why he dident way “he was the president”
TheGameLab /gaming does this mean I need to whoosh myself?
You sure do...
That first joke is pure gold...
I'm proud to have served with this great man as my Commander In Chief...🇺🇸
It's funny because Reagan created the drug crisis and was a massive racist, to the point where this is literally open information.
Two prisoners chat in communist Hungary in 1952:
- What did yo get?
- 10 years.
- For what?
- For nothing!
- It is impossible! For nothing you should have got 5 years!
That's a good one.
LOLLL
Explain "5 years".
@@adityajoshi9207
1,826.25 days
43,830 hours
2,629,800 minutes
@@ThisHandleFeatureIsStupid big brain time
General Secretary Brezhnev was returning from East Germany by train, His wife asks "Where are we Leonid?"
Mr Brezhnev put his hand out the train window and says "Still in East Germany."
A while later Mrs Brezhnev asks "Where are we now Leonid?"
Hand out the window again. Brezhnev says "Somewhere in Poland."
Even later Mrs Brezhnev asks "Where are we now Leonid?"
Hand out the window. "Just pulling into Moscow."
"But Leonid, how could you tell where we were just by putting your hand out the window?"
Brezhnev replied "Easy my dear. In East Germany they kissed my hand. In Poland they spat on it. In Russia they stole my watch."
The last part is funny
Perfect, deserves more likes
The original one is that in Poland they stole something,
That even would make sense because of the cliche...
@@the_odd_cat553
/
/?
/
@@the_odd_cat553 .
"We pretend to work, and they pretend to pay us."
Truly the best summary
That actually sounds exactly like capitalism, especially low wage jobs
@@Archive-w5s Low pay =/= No pay
@@faceless_lurker funny thing is people complain about low pay but yet won’t put enough work to make more money.
To lazy to make something out of themselves but begging on their knees for government help 🤦🏻♂️
@@Archive-w5s
Not quite, I moved to the U.S coming from a country with a lot of government intervensions, and even tough I'm currently earning the minimum wage I'm glad I'm making $50 a day instead of $50 a week.
Love how Reagan sounds like the wisest man alive even when telling jokes.
Sounds like a true, red blooded american
Sounds like a retard
It's just the gravel in his voice. He was a decent president. But he also made some grave errors. Ignoring the AIDS epidemic then beibg recorded cracking jokes about homosexuals dying from it ... That's definitely one of his worst mistakes.
However, he handled Cold War issues rather well. And he was an effective leader in working with Congress, even if he passed a few bills i don't think were entirely wise.
The Republican party has fallen very far from Reagan. Very far.
Hmmm... This is also the man who gave us the ultimate bullshit in trickle down economics and the idea tax cuts that pay for themselves. 🙄
@@jimnasium452 ok leftist
An old man walks up to a guard at the Kremlin...
"Good day to you comrade, I´d like to talk to Stalin"
"But grandpa, comrade Stalin died long ago!"
The next day, the old man is there again...
"Good morning, I´d like to talk to Stalin"
The guard, slightly annoyed:
"Like I said, comrade Stalin died years ago"
The day after, he´s there again...
"Good morning, I´d like to talk to Stalin"
The guard, now pissed off...
"But I told you Stalin died ages ago, why the hell do you keep asking for him?!"
"´Cause it´s so bloody GOOD to hear! "
Nice
Can somebody explain please?
@@ignacioaguirrenoguez6218 the old dont like Stalin and really enjoying Stalin death
Good
which sequel to the duck song is this?
Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In the newspaper office, a discussion is underway about how to caption the picture. "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," and "Pigs surround comrade Khrushchev" are all rejected as politically offensive. Finally, the editor announces his decision: "Third from left - comrade Khrushchev."
Hahahahahahahaha
Hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha
Hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
@@pharrrukh huh
Under the Stalin era,Pavel and Oleg,two soviet soldiers are guarding the entrance to the Kremlin:
- Hey between us...what do you think of Stalin ?
-Oh you know well that I think the exact same thing as you.
-Then in that case,you must be arrested !
There screwed.
There screwed.
Two inmates in a Siberian Gulag are criticising Stalin. A third one overhears them and tells them to stop or else they may be deported. They look at him and ask: "From here? Where to?"
(I know this joke is historically inaccurate.)
Here's another one. Reagan suggested that Brezhnev compete in the race. At the end of the competition, "Pravda" newspaper printed the following headline: "Comrade Leonid Ilyich won an honorable second place in the short-distance race, but the American president, alas, barely made it to the penultimate place.
- So you bring rifle to the meeting and tried to kill Khrushchev?
- Yes, I did.
- You have a good rifle. You were in a good position. How did you miss?
- Once I prepare my rifle people around saw that. They grabbed my rifle and said: "Let me! Let me do that!!!"
I like this one XD
A survey conducted btwn an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian, "what was the best moment of your life?"
Englishman: " I started my own enterprise and became a millionaire!"
Frenchman: " I had candle light dinner with a beautiful Italian woman on Eiffel Tower"
Russian: "When NKVD broken into my bedroom and screamed Ivan! You're under arrest for conspiracy against the Party! And to which I replied apologies, I am Sergei, Ivan lives next door"
This the best and the worst joke, I have ever read.
That joke is pretty good
I don’t get it, can somebody explain it to me?
@@mydyyyl9929 Because Soviet Union was spying everyone.
Essentially it tells you the dark humour behind the mental priority of these countries. English excel as industrial merchants, French are repetitive romantics and Russians are just trying to survive and escape the purge and Gulags(Siberian labour camps for political prisoners)
In one of Moscow's kindergartens, a lady asks children: - In which country do children have the best houses, clothes and toys? - In the Soviet Union! - say all the children. - In which country do the happiest people live? - In the Soviet Union! - the children answer again. Suddenly, the teacher notices that one of the children is standing in the corner and crying. - Wowa, why are you crying? - Because I would love to live in the Soviet Union so much!
American kids are taught the same thing. And grow up believing in American exceptionalism to their own detriment.
Should have ended with:
How does the Soviet Union have all that, and we don't?
Same point though!this is a good one
Aww, that’s actually sad 😢
@@granthurlburt4062 MAYBE when the place is genuinely wonderful you don't have to try and convince everyone?
Good one
What weighs 6,000 pounds, costs 50 million rubles, and cuts an apple into three slices? A Soviet machine designed to cut an apple into four slices.
As the Cold War came to a head, the US and the USSR decided that military spending was killing them both and agreed to settle the whole thing with a dog fight. They set a date in five years to breed and train their dog and then the two animals would fight it out. So the Soviets get the best military trainers and they mate the most ferocious guard dog in the Russian Army with a giant Siberian wolf. The litter is forced to fight over bones and scraps and soon the strongest ones have devoured the weak and the remaining of these beast dogs have their food cut off entirely with only each other to eat. Soon, the biggest and meanest of the dogs is all that is left and he is plunged into a vicious training regimen. They run him near to death across the frozen Siberian wasteland, make him swim for his life in the arctic ocean, and have him face off against wild bears and Siberian tigers. Every night, they beat him with lead pipes to make him tough and mean.
-Finally, the day of the dog fight comes. Ten hulking Spetsnaz soldiers drag this animal into the ring with chains and cattle prods. Then, at the other end of the room, in walks a US Air Force corporal holding the leash of what looks like a fat, demented, Dachshund that waddles slowly into the ring. The Russians cannot believe their eyes and gleefully release their monster dog to tear this strange, warped creature to shreds. The Russian dog leaps through the air at the American dog, when suddenly, the entire front half of the American dog opens up into a giant maw lined with razor sharp teeth! To the Russians' horror, it devours the Russian dog in one massive bite!
-The head Russian trained drops to his knees and cries out: "I can't believe it! We just spent five years breeding and training the perfect canine killing machine!!!"
- The Air Force corporal shrugs. "That's nothing. We just spent five years making an alligator look like a dog."
(This Soviet joke illustrates how bewildered they were when we won the Cold War after they were so convinced they were the toughest and the strongest).
Ngl that tough of a dog would kill the shit outta an alligator
This joke stolen from HBO's Chernobyl.
🤣😂😆
And they didn't even win the space race!
😆😂🤣🇺🇲
"People ask me, 'Do they have television in Soviet Russia?' and I say, 'Yes, but it watches you.'" --Yakov Smirnoff
1984?!?!?!
@@LavaHoleD KGB!
I remember when the coup happened, not long after seeing that guy and thinking "Well, I hope you have a backup plan, friend!"
Every one of his jokes were about USSR. He might be able to reuse a few now.
Big Brother is watching u...
Still late too
One thing I can say about President Reagan, he had a good sense of humor. Even after being shot in a failed assassination attempt, he was cracking jokes in the hospital.
E
"I hope you're all Republicans". That what he said to the medical team 🤣
Reagan was the greatest joke ever! What a dumbie!
How he managed to deliver the idea of trickle-down economics without wetting himself I'll never know.
Well, that was realistically ALL he had - he was an actor who was told what to do by bankers, etc.
Ten years later the Soviet union had already fallen. So this begs the question.
Did he still get the car?
I am from Eastern Europe and i was a small child when comunism fell. My parents had a check deposit for a car so i can buy one in 10 years or so. When the comunism ended the inflation went skyrocket and with that money i could buy a bycicle at best. The same happened in Rusia so he probably didn 't get the car...
hahaha
In Bulgaria (it wasnt part of the USSR but still under its influence), there is a joke that says "if communism hadnt fallen all these years ago my car would have arrived today".
@Wacky Venky - Communism is efficient. The plumber brought the car with him. After he had been driving the "pre-owned" Zil for...10 years.
to be serious, those people who invested money in the Soviet economy before the USSR collpase, they did not get the money back. Google USSR Sberbank payments.
I'm from an ex Eastern Bloc country and based on what my grandfather used to tell me, you really did have to wait for years on end to get a car. I don't know if it was exactly 10 years but you had to sign up and wait until they eventually contacted you years later.
and at least in the GDR you had to pay in advance, and really it was 10 years.
Morning or afternoon?
I knew somebody in the GDR. He waited 14 years! For a plastic 500 CC 2-stroke Trabant Car! That's why the second-hand cars were more expensive than the new ones.
Funny fact . An used car was 50% more expensive . No joke . Because you got it on the spot from the seller unless ordering and waiting 5 years A VCR was more then half a car price because they were hard to get and everyone wanted to see western movies. This was in Romania
That's what buying a Tesla was like 5 years ago
Q: What cuts apples in 3 pieces, drinks loads of fuel and releases a ton of smoke into the air?
A: A soviet machine made to cut apples in four pieces.
@Hoppebold02 This reply was great :)
Chernobyl really is a great show.
@Hoppebold02 I'm sorry, I have to disagree... the fact that the machine fails in its primary function *besides* its other negatives is LMAO hilarious!
He's delusional, get him to the infirmary and prevent the spread of misinformation.
Ah from Chernobyl
I heard a good one once.
Two Russians are sitting at the bar having a couple drinks. The first one pounds his fist on the counter and says to his friend, "You know, for all the propaganda we hear, I still don't even understand the difference between communism and capitalism. Both only make people miserable!"
"Comrade!" says his friend, aghast. "How can you even say that? The two are complete opposites!"
"How's that?" asks the first man.
"Well, under capitalism, man oppresses his fellow man," says his friend.
"And under communism?"
"Other way around."
crqf2010ruler The point is that there’s no difference, but only an utopia forced into peoples minds. The soviet is brainwashed so he believes that the “other way around” is better, when it is plainly the same shit.
@@MultiDansk8 i dont really care if both are lies i chose the one i the system in wich i dont have to starve
@@saschavonstaa1368 the average caloric intake in the USSR was higher than in the USA
@@indiekiddrugpatrol3117 this is the best joke of them all XD
@@hanky5854 well it's true, according to the CIA
General Secretary Gorbatchov is going by car to a meeting. Suddenly his driver hits a pig near a small village and stops the car. Gorbatchov gives him 100 rubel and tells him:
"Take the dead pig, go into the village, find out who's the owner, apologize to him and give him this money."
Several hours later the driver returns totally drunk. Gorbatchov asks:
"Why are you so wasterd???"
"Well I put the pig into a sack, went to the market in the village and started telling people - I am Gorbatchov's driver and I killed the pig! And suddenly they started to pour me vodka!"
🤣
@@AdityaDeo-cg6eu They thought he killed Gorbachev
@@AdityaDeo-cg6eu Pig=Gorbachev
Rational Thinker Why then use the epithet ‘rational thinker’?
Gorbatchov: Well the village doesn’t exist anymore
As a then young man I am proud and honored that I voted for President Reagan twice! As an old man now I miss President Reagan more than ever! RIP 🇺🇸
Amen to that. I became a Reagan Democrat -- and proud of it! I wish Reagan was President today to straighten out this country like he did in the early 1980s.
@@ChristinaMitchell-USA What did he do that was so great?
@@fearandloathing9976 just to start, he won the Cold War.
@@MadScientist81 Could you expand on that a bit. I’m not really too familiar with the history.
I am pleased to know bastards like you will visit him in the ground soon. May the 60,000 dead in Operation Condor wave on your way down.
A Soviet guy called Ivan goes to another town and shares a hotel room with three other guys. They buy some vodka in the evening and start telling political jokes. Ivan decides to scare his roommates a little, goes out of the room and asks a waitress to bring a cup of tea to their room in 5 minutes. Then, he comes back and addresses his company:
- Comrades, you should be careful about those political jokes. You know, KGB has mics installed all over the room. Even this ashtray on the table might have one inside.
- Oh, come on Ivan, you're being paranoid.
Then, Ivan takes the ashtray and speaks into it.
- Please bring a cup of tea to my room.
In a couple of minutes, the waitress brings the tea. Ivan's roommates fall silent, finish their vodka and go to sleep. So does Ivan.
In the morning, he awakes and finds himself alone in the room. He comes away and asks the waitress about what happened to his comrades.
- Oh, you don't really need to know about that, - she replies.
- Um, why was I spared then?
- You know, - she tells him, - the Comrade Mayor really loved your joke with that ashtray.
Da, I liked it!
In the 80-s, it was even a Romanian variant ! And I've heard that joke originally stemmed from a real case, occured in a night train across Soviet Russia in the 70-s
@@camil721 .....deci.....pe ceilalți 3 i-a luat KGB-ul ....dar pe Ivan l-a lăsat în pace pt că majorului KGB i-a plăcut gluma lui Ivan....???
i love that
(1) Man of God - Ukraine - Speakers Corner Hyde Park London 20-3-2022. ua-cam.com/video/ahn_qc8vnrA/v-deo.html
This is one I heard years ago:
"Comrades! Our economy is booming and our people are getting wealthier every year! Statistically, in a year, every comrade will be able to afford a bicycle. In 5 years, every comrade will be able to afford an automobile, and in 10 years, comrades, we will all be able to afford helicopters!"
"But Comrade Secretary, why would we need helicopters?"
"Because if they deliver toilet paper to Kiev, you'd want to be there first, wouldn't you?"
Ionis Ravell So far the best and most tortuous joke in this genre.
Max Plankton Looking at this now, it’s so cynical. I love it.
Bloody hell 🤣
someone explain please
@@dontreadmyprofilepicture507 food and other products were rationalized in many communist countries including Russia, therefore you had to sit in queues kilometers wide to buy anything from meat to toilet paper. Products being rationalized also meant there was a constant shortage of anything, so you'd want to be the first in line to be able to find anything left to buy. People in comunist countries weren't poor financially, there just wasn't really anything to buy with the money
A reporter asks Gorbacev about the status of worlds Capitalism:
Gorbacev responds: "Capitalism is standing on the very precipice of absolute disaster"!
Another reporter asks about the status of worlds Communism:
Gorbacev responds: "Comrade, as you should know, communism is always one steap ahead of capitalism!"
good one)))
@atulya vaibhav but they are not communism
@atulya vaibhav Lmao 90% of the democrats don't want Bernie, 90% don't want Joe, 90% don't want Yang, but 100% don't want Trump.
Democrats have to appeal to both centrists and leftists while Republicans only need to worry about conservatives
America is skewed very much to the right side of the political spectrum due to Cold War fears, so even moderates are called commies over there. In Europe, Biden is considered a right leaning centrist
@atulya vaibhav I can say that because if most democrats wanted people like Bernie, they would win every election. The reality is that the majority of the population resides in the center of the political spectrum (America's version of the center), and that they switch from left and right depending on how well the previous President did.
Democrats always talk about "casting a wide net" because their voters DON'T all support one person. They have to convince many different people with many different beliefs that they are their best option.
This is also the reason why the DNC did NOT choose Bernie in the 2016 election. They believed he leaned far too left and that he would alienate voters who resided more in the center. They chose Hillary because they believed more people could rally behind her as a left leaning centrist. Her being female was just icing on the cake.
They chose Biden this year for the same reasons. They knew they needed a far more centrist politician so that they could get enough votes to squeeze Trump out of office.
This election, all things considered, was incredibly close. I believe that Trump's strong personality and unforgiving political stances gave too many people enough of a reason to vote, because this election had a much much higher voter turn out rate than any other election since 1968 (According to data by the Associated Press).
@atulya vaibhav Bernie who
I was a teen in the '80s. Man, we had it good with Reagan, Pope John Paul II, and even Gorby.
Jaruzelski was the bad guy.
Three Soviet workers are put in jail.
They start talking about why they went there.
Why the KGB put you in jail, Ivan?
- My watch do not work well and was late at factory , i was accused of sabotaging Communist production.
And you Roman?
- Oh mine too so, i gave a good margin and was too early. I was accused of being a spy.
Then ask the other two: And you Alexey?
- I was on time at factory, so they accused me of having a watch from the West...
One of the best so far! 😂
This one is funny LOL Im dying here
😂 🤣
Everybody, Gulag!
This one really is TIMEless, see what I did there?
Sorry...
In a school in Poland , the teacher ask one of the class kid to name some countries friendly to Poland
- Sure Ma'am, you have Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania, China.
- Good Janusz, but you have forgotten the most important and friendly , the USSR ...
- But Ma'am, you said friendly, USSR is even more than that, it's our brother country !
- Well Ok, that don't makes much of a difference ...
- Excuse-me Ma'am, it does. You can choose your friends, but not your family.
illiterate
Btw, censorship in communist poland in late 70' and all of 80' was only theoretical
I swear their is a East German version of this
@@lucasc2908 Can Can can Can Can can Can Can, can Can Can can Can?
That's... actually a really good joke. Not the funniest I've heard, but still nice
Filmed: 88
Posted: 08
People watch in: 18
Just wait until it lines up in 2028.
2088 even more
@@lyrimetacurl0 All of us real pros are waiting until 8888.
That's because in 2019 it's getting scarily close to being communisocialism in the USA
@@MarkDavis77 Hey, it's better than climate denial.
Soviet jokes are like adequate food rations, not everyone gets them
Dark humor is like food in the USSR, not everyone gets it.
That isn’t a Soviet joke; they actually had a higher per capita rate of Kcaloric intake during the USSR period than the West
@@AnthonyChinaskithank god they fed everyone well before beating them half to death for trying to democratically vote their way out of Russian control
@@AnthonyChinaskiIt may well have been a Soviet joke. Soviet jokes didn't have to be accurate- they were a way to blow off resentment towards the government.
@@AnthonyChinaski Maybe it's true but what I've heard and read (from people who witnessed the USSR) there were frequent shortages of meat, some food was not sold in a lot of regions, and in 80's it felt like there was a constant goods shortage, which felt different depending on where you live. So the joke is true in it's own way.
Anyone hear the joke about the Berlin Wall?
I can't tell you it, you'll never get over it!
Lmao...
I don’t know I might be able to break out of it
It's broken.
Genius
Ba boom tsss
"There are four things wrong with soviet agriculture - spring, summer, fall, and winter."
- Ronald Reagan
I didnt know that he could make the most simple joke just like that
That's why while having worse land USSR outperformed USA or came closer to it production while having less resources and sponsoring every other communist state.
@@Русские_вперед Except they didn't. And they went entirely bankrupt and, you know, collapsed. Because they couldn't keep up. And also, America had all the capitalist areas they were watching as well (i.e. phillipines and Guam and all that jazz)
SmoK how could anyone believe that that is true 🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@Русские_вперед You are so stupid it hurts.
This one is from socialist bulgaria
The general secretery Todor Jivkov walks down a market,he stops and looks at a single watermelon.
The seller says "Choose "
Jivkov says: " Theres only one though! "
The seller says: "Well you're one too but we still choose you everytime! "
good one 👍
fabulous , it also work on putin
@@himanshu7103 yea in Belarus too but looks like Belarusian watermelon got old
@@himanshu7103 In USSR there used to be ridiculous elections with only one candidate in bulletin. Today's elections are not such a profanity - there are more candidates, but the procedure is abused.
residents of the UK: wow, they choose the monarch ))))
Like the man or not, you gotta admit Pres. Reagan’s got an amazing sense of humor that made him all the more likable, even by his opponents.
Like Bob Hope, probably had teams of gag-writers.
How does a Polish hamburger look like?
One meat coupon between two bread coupons.
Nice one
What's the Hamburger?
omg you so funny! how does a medical health appointment in the US look like?
@@floamarsch4859 Get lost, commie.
@@floamarsch4859😂😂😂
I actually heard another version of joke about dogs:
Capitalist, socialist and communist arranged a meeting. Socialist came late.
Sorry for being late, I was standing in a queue to get some sausages.
Capitalist: What's queue?
Communist: What's sausages?
lol
good one sir
lmao
FiNiTe np, my mistake))
ValorGTV if you only knew that capitalism has bigger queues when prizes increase and there are fewer sources
Did I search for this? Nope.
Did I watch through the whole thing? Absolutely.
See you guys in 10 years when its recommended again
You will be here morning or afternoon?
It is already 11 years old. This IS it’s recommended section glory
@@sandwich434 you missed the point lol
We'll play the long game.
John Bates ohhh my bad
I fundamentally disagree with Regan's policies, but I will not deny his humor was on point.
This is the man who after getting shot, while en route to the hospital for treatment, turned to his wife and said "I forgot to duck"
Finally a sensical person who doesnt let a political view dictate everything
Yeah thank you
And said to the doctors about to operate on him “I hope you’re all republicans “
Yeah... love him or hate him, he could talk.
Can you name one Reagan's policy you disagree with?
THIS is the funniest comment section I've ever read.
I've spent 20 minutes in it by now
Go check out “Putin tells Russian KGB spy joke” for some good ass jokes in the comments.
Yeah me too.
True
I wouldn't have expected the ghost of Reagan's smarmy xenophobia to generate this wonderful trove of totalitarian humor!?! Thanks everybody!
So Good..:::😂🤣😅
In America, you always find a party. In Soviet Russia, Party always find you!
That joke was terrible
Lol
AND THAT PARTY IS THE GULAG!
Eric Thorson it’s been legal since 1993 (and in 1917 after Lenin took over) go spread your lies somewhere else
In Capitalist America, bank rob you!!!!
After 40 years of work, Ivan Ivanovich retires from the lamp factory. On his last day a party is organized and he receives a gift. When he opens the box, to his surprise there is a wristwatch in it. He is seemingly unhappy:
'After 40 years of hard work, is it all you give me?'
'Well, what did you expect?'
'At least a lamp.'
'But Ivan Ivanovich, please don't tell me, that during these 40 years you did not steal enough components to build your own lamp at home!'
'Sure I did. But whenever I assembled them, it always become an assault rifle!'
TARGE170 There’s a joke about the same thing in Weimar Germany, except it’s a machine gun.
@@jamesharding3459 Looks like a versatile joke, can be reused in multiple countries/eras.
TARGE170 I quite agree. Here’s one about my beloved USA:
One year, John Johnson retired from his job at a TV factory after 50 years. On leaving, he was presented with a plaque. Disappointed, he asked if there was anything else. A TV, perhaps. “John,” the manager said, “do you really wish to tell me that you haven’t stolen enough parts to build a TV?” “No,” said John. “But it reassembled into an oil rig every time.”
Wow...the name of the character is ironic for me because you see i am from Serbia(not Siberia,Serbia is Central European country) and in Serbia we have a man whose name is Ivan Ivanovich and he works in the show called " The Night with Ivan Ivanovich", which is on the TV every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, it's basically one of thise shows that make fun of the government lol
@@jamesharding3459 When I read your answer and old oil rig joke came into my mind.
An American tourist is looking at the Eiffel Tower in Paris and says: It is here now for a while, but they still didn't find oil..
American and Soviet chickens are lying on the counter in the meat department. American chicken says: Look at me. I am plump, pink and fat. And look at you - bluish, skin and bones. Soviet chicken replies: Well, at least I died my own natural death.
Gorbachev arrives at the factory and asks the best worker:
- Tell me honestly: would you be able to work as well after a glass of vodka?
"Well, I could.
- And after two?"
- I could, too.
- And after three?"
- I'm working, aren't I…
Am i not?
Gorbachev's advisor warns him that cracking down on alcohol consumption might cause unexpected problems. Maybe he should reconsider his policy.
"Why, I'm quite comfortable with people calling me mineralniy secretar instead of generalniy secretar. I'm not going to change my policy. Excessive drinking must go."
"But please comrade Gorbachev, just imagine millions of Soviet people sobering up at the same time!"
*_1 in 7 russian families are sad because of this_*
No *6 out of 7*
guess im not one of em
200 likes
*The other 6 starved to death*
The other 6 don’t know about it cause they don’t Internet
Yuri Gagarin had to go on a mission quickly. Valentina, his wife, was not home, so he left her a note on the table: "I am going to the moon, I’ll be back in 6 months." All good, he comes back after 6 months and finds a note on the table left by his wife: "I'm gone to buy meat, I don't know when I'll be back."
Bless Ronald Reagan he had a great sense of humour in his day as President. A lot better than the others after him.
Trump and Biden=🤡🤡
A poll in a communist magazine in 1950s.
1. Who is your favorite historical figure?
2. Desribe in more detail, why exactly is Lenin your favorite?
That's not even a joke, that's writing essays in Russian school
@@Needmoremars lol :D Is it, even now? :D
Reader: Tzar..
Commissar: to Gulag with you!
Reader: Tzar..
Commissar: to Gulag with you!
@@Needmoremars damn, really ?
Stalin's favorite joke:
-I've lost my smoking pipe!
-I will find it soon comrade Stalin. -Beria replies
A day later Stalin sits on his couch and finds the smoking pipe amongst the pillows.
-I have found it comrade Beria.
-Comrade Stalin are you sure? Three saboteurs have just confessed to have stolen it!
Hahahahaha
Probably more like 3 million..
@@uzbabo it was a good pipe).
There's a better version:
- Comrade Stalin, are you sure? 3 out of 4 saboteurs have just confessed to have stolen it!
- 3 out of 4?! Keep investigating!
FonFon: That is very old, from the times of Stalin, but still very good. Still keeps fresh
Dang...Reagan dropped Soviet Jokes harder than the Berlin Wall in 1991
1989 ? 1991 when the Soviet Union collapsed
@@rnjesus7072 dude chill out not everyone knows the exact year
What’s ironic is that it was Bush, not Reagan, that was the one largely responsible for the reunification of Germany and the dissolution of the Soviet Union. Bush was a diplomatic genius, capable of making even his enemies dance for him, while all Reagan did was look cool, give some awesome one liners, spend like a democrat, and deficit the shit out of the US budget.
IT was the 9th of november 1989
1989*
During the Cold War, Ronald Reagan snaps and orders a nuclear strike on Moscow. The whole city is then obliterated by atomic fire, but the Politburo managed to escape into a shelter.
After the shock wears off, Gorbachev orders a retaliatory strike on Washington. But his generals say: "Comrade Gorbachev, all nuclear warheads are either stolen or faulty. All we have are rubber dummies for parades!"
Furious, Gorbachev goes: "Doesn't matter! Fire a rubber warhead for all I care!"
The launch order is executed. Some time later, an ecstatic soldier bursts into the bunker and yells: "Comrade Gorbachev! An astounding victory! Washington, New York and Philadelphia were destroyed, multiple American airbases were taken out and the warhead is STILL bouncing!"
This is gold