I left my ex-husband in March of 2022. Divorced him February of 2023. We co-parent our 8 year old son that is extremely close to his drug addict father. My heart is so broken, I've been in and out of depression and lost my high paying job. I'm tired of him telling me I'm crazy. I need to be strong and keep him in my life as minimal as I can. It's been a very tough road. The only thing keeping me strong is a relationship with God and my children.
Thank u for sharing, you are brave, you don't think u are but u are. I'm working on my courage 💪 self esteem and finances to make a move. I'm 10 yrs into this relationship and wanted out at 3yrs but having kids and wanting a family made me stay. We lived separately for 1 1/2 yrs but losing my jobs during covid and homeschooling brought him back into the house. I'm not mad anymore, not depressed about not having "normal" family, I'm exhausted and done. I want a new life, and its up to me to be the adult here and finally end it in hopes of smiling again. I want my kids (6 and 10) to know what healthy relationships look like, and this ain't it! I'm starting with finding myself because I've built so many walls of protection I forget how to be me.
This is brilliant, thank you Amber. Living with an addict and fighting to "save" them made me even sicker than they were. I did not recognize myself, who I have become.
I agree. My husband’s drug use have gave me a stroke and I still want to save him even through that. Now, I’m at a point where I’ve kicked him out so I can have my peace. This may possibly turn into a divorce and lose the love of my life but I cannot go on living this way.
I was the person who tried to control the addiction, my god it’s exhausting!!!!! My husband has been clean and sober now for 15 years, I had to live with a whole new person. We have been together for 30 years and as hard as it was it is now wonderful.
I was so excited for my boyfriend’s 10 months sober and almost 😅 invited all his friends to a birthday party, he relapsed because his mom took too many pills and started hearing voices again:, now he completes one year and two months sober but he had some mental issues and was mean to me progressively so I went to my moms for a day. I came back and he had relapsed: we’re 3 years and 3 months together. I don’t see it anymore.
I’ve been living with an alcoholic for nearly 21 years. Thought I was going crazy because I’ve obsessed about it for a long, long time. I’m tired, I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted, I’m feeling so depleted. 🙄😞😢
I’m tempted to get people on my side and hear what’s going on , so I isolate to not talk about it to others. I have before and I was only embarrassed that I did and felt like I lowered myself. What I wanted was help and advice but it came out looking like self pity.
I do the same...isolate...when i share they just dont get it...the toxic environment of anxiety and walking on eggshells never knowing what will set them off! @anderson49100
If you make it through an extremely traumatic experience such as a long marriage to an addicted person and still keep your sanity, you have achieved the state of kensugi. The Japanese concept of kensugi is that things that are broken and then repaired are more beautiful than those that have never been broken. If you have a pottery bowl repaired in Japan, the repair person will usually mix a large dose of pure gold powder into the glue. That adds some new beauty to the bowl.
I think I have must have achieved kensugi. I am 33 years now with a high level functioning alcoholic. I am not sure how he manages but he does somehow. He has never lost time at work, makes good money. Is helpful and kind . But he drinks every day, just at home and between the hours of 6 and 9 pm, he can drink 12 to 14 beer in a few hours. And I have been through everything you describe here. I have been the crazy person you are describing, spying on him, screaming and yelling, finding his stash and throwing it out, threatening him. He continuously even today, gas lights me, lying about his drinking. He actually has me second guessing my own brain, that maybe I am crazy. I definitely lost myself in all this. Finally the light bulb came on a few years ago and I realized I couldn’t do anything to change him or make him stop, so I stopped all that craziness and started focusing on myself. All I could do was change me. So I did. I love my husband, he is a good person with a health issue. But, I am not in love with him anymore, Or I am not obsessed with him anymore. If he wants to drink himself to death, so be it. I no longer feel the need to save him. So my soul is quieter now. How do I deal with it? I call him on his drinking, I just say, I know you have been drinking and I known you have had more than 2 beer and then I withdraw from the conversation and leave him alone. When he lies and gaslights, I just call him on that too. I say you are lying or gaslighting me again, it is not going to work any longer because I am onto you. You in your heart know you are wrong here and are just trying to turn it around on me. Because before I would turn into that raving lunatic trying to defend myself.
@@SIMpip374This is so relatable. I’ve been with a high functioning successful daily using alcoholic for the last 20 years. He starts drinking around 4:00 until 10:00 or so. I don’t say anything to him, because I know better. He’ll shut me out, or ignore me if I do. Thank you for sharing your story, because it makes me feel that I’m not so alone. ❤🙏🏻
OMG, I lived like this for 21 years. Honey, I **drank** so I could deal with his **drinking**. I got out of it, and tamed my issues with alcohol and am in a healthy relationship now. It can be done.
I have an adult son that lives with me that has a severe alcohol use disorder and it is so emotionally exhausting. I am so ready for him to move out so I can get my life back. He is a super sweet person inside, and he is not drinking right now (9 days home from a detox at hospital) and he went to treatment for 3 months but he relapsed after about 3 weeks of being back at home. It’s been going on for around 6 years and the past two years have been really hard. I want out…..but I do know this will be a lifelong battle for him. I’m just so tired, anxious, feel like a shell of my former self.
Same with me, as my adult son lives with me currently, and is addicted to meth & crack cocaine. It just wears you out emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. So tired.
I understand what the frustration is about. I want mine here, at the same time Im Having stress watching him and not sure if he's on or off drugs. Worrying is making me sick.
I know how you feel. Alcohol took my wife. Just seeing her suffer to past breath slaughter me. But there was nothing I could do for her. I miss her every day but I'm trying not to blame myself for her decision. Please don't torture yourself for all we can do is love them. Stay strong..
🤚 My 44 yo son is driving me and my 95 yo Dad crazy. He’s been stealing $$ so he can get his alcohol. He’s going through a divorce and says he can’t go to any Rehab bc she’ll use it against him!
A /son is an addict, 23 yrs, all of your words I have lived. Still live , get u, I'm tired, 62 and no life but worry...I am glad a person told me of your utube videos!! Thank you 🙏🏻
25 years married to an alcoholic. He gets up and goes to work every day but at 7 pm every single night he cracks open a tin of beer and cloaks off being a parent or a husband. He is controlling, jealous and resentful of every thing I do . I am in the process of planning my escape . It is going to be very difficult and I have to completely start all over again but I know eventually it will all be for the best 🙏🏻
Amber! I’m almost 17 mo sober and I watch you all the time. I used to cry listening to how I was affecting my family but now days I want to hear. The reason is because there are long term affects that we addicts cause on our loved ones and I see these effects even when they don’t. It actually allows me to have compassion and patience for them because I know I played a part in them being like that. I don’t sit in shame anymore so I dont watch this and feel guilty at all. I’m making my amends and learning how to love them in a way I could not for 17yrs in my alcohol addiction. Thank you so much for all the teaching you do for all of us. You spoke to me before I ever knew I was sick or went to rehab and I was just thinking I needed to get a handle on it. I didn’t know I couldn’t on my own will. I couldn’t have done it without God but I also need the psychology and education and it all goes together. Always sharing your vids to families AND addicts especially when they get to the place where they can hear it. I can’t thank you enough for what you do! There really is freedom on this side and I won’t stop believing that for me or others!
This is beautiful. You've made my day. Is it okay if I read your comment during my Live video this week? I think it could really help other people to hear your success story!
Hi Promisepenton, I thought your comment was inspirational so I posted it (anonymously) in the community section. You should hop over to the community section and see all the positive responses you’re getting! 🤩🤩.
Amber, sorry I’m slow to respond. I’m glad you posted my comment if it could be helpful and I never care if I’m anonymous or not, haha. I freeze in groups and am unable to speak and I’m not improving in that area so that’s pretty isolating. I really haven’t felt like I could contribute in the usual way we do at meetings… so if I say what’s in my heart online and it gives even one person hope I’m very grateful for that.
I appreciate your sharing, especially sharing how you came to realize how your addiction really affected those who love you the most. Same happened with me after 12 yrs on and off meth addiction. Took 12 years to finally feel like I had earned total trust with them again. Lots of self work and accountability yet worth it every single day 20+ years later.
And it's our fault. I hate hearing that. He says, well if you hadnt gone to volunteer at work. Or you're the one who put on makeup, you talked to the neighbor, you went to your friends, you did or you did that. Had I not done any of that then he wouldn't do drugs, it's me pushing him to it.
You're not alone. We must find a way through or out. That's all there is to it to keep what's left of our health and sanity. I know you're stronger than you know. It's cliche, but it still feels good to say to someone, and it still feels good to hear. I hope you are finding your way through or out of this. 🌷
Praise the Lord Jesus and I believe God gave you the strength to get out . Thanks for updating us on your situation, now focus on your healing dear, and jeep your eyes up and on God for total emotional healing. I'm praying to be able to leave my abuser soon. I can totally relate to your situation , so thank you for your courage to reach out and in the same time motivate individuals like my self.
Thank you so much for these videos. They are so, so helpful. My loved one has an addiction, and the worst thing for me regarding their addiction is that it brings out such ugly reactions that I did not know Im capable of. The worst thing is that it makes me hate myself. And I really hate that. This was the tipping point, and made me realise that's my limit. I can take a lot of bad things, but not hating myself. That being said, I slowly started to care for myself, and I'm better now. Its not easy, but its doable. #RegressionToTheMean but intentional
Hey Amber, I have a comment on narcissistic abuse. I divorced am divorced from a covert narcissist. The information I gained from a therapist was invaluable. But I can't camp there. It's seems that people want to complain about it so people will pity them. Pity won't help me recover. My perception of people is warped because of it. I am having to learn to trust all over again. It's healthy to become aware when we have been victimized. It's unhealthy to want a monument built to it.
I am so grateful to have found a community of people that have gone through and are going through the exact word for word same thing as my family. Thank you so much Amber I just found you yesterday and I'm enjoying you very much❤❤
WOWWWW. This is amazing. It is SPOT ON. Married 20 years to my husband who became an alcoholic 5 years ago. I have done ALL of these things and couldnt undertstand what the hell was wrong with me LOL. Thank you for these, long time subscriber.
I’m totally not leaving the home I created! He’s going to leave if necessary. I’m finally old enough and have my own resources. It’s so important to have your own finances! HUGE peace of mind 🙏 Keep track of abuse and lies, get a great lawyer if needed:) ❤
I had my own business and was doing great when I met my ex. He literally destroyed and stole everything I had. I've been away from him for 3 years and still struggling to survive because I'm left with health issues, severe depression and PTSD from that whole experience. It's horrible 😞
I'm 65, I have never been without an active addict in my life. I came into the 12 step program 38 yrs. ago. Between the steps & other self help theories for the most part i managed pretty well. Now my 2 sons & 1 grandson, now in recovery. Put down the shovel has contributed to those changes. Focus on my recovery makes sharing with others effective.
This video hit deep...i have two addicted sons and lately ive realised how addicted I am to them...Most of my relaxing time is spent thinking of how to solve it and why its happening and how much they suffer and why cant they choose the better path and what part of it i caused...Even on the good days I feel guilty...Bargaining...Ive done the worst case scenarios over and over ...to the point where I even feel that if i force rehab,I feel sorry for the pain of withdrawal they will face...Some days im an enabler ...some days i try to play God
I am new here and I am so very happy I found you. You description is spot on. Unbeliveable! I have been married for over 20 yrs now but the last 5 my husband has become an addict and I have felt like I was going to loose my mind or have a heartattck over the stress and anger. I am a shell of what I use to be. I have been so depressed that I had my Dr double my antidepressants. He has made me doubt everything in about myself. His kids tell me I am co-dependent but I don't think so. I am just a woman in love with her first love and not wanting to give up on him. My son recently OD a couple of weeks ago. He was my only child and now he is gone. My husband has yet allowed me to process and grieve. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for making these videos.
My prayers are with you. I too have last my only child to addiction. My spouse also doesn't let me grieve because of his addiction. I've had to separate myself from him or I was going to lose my mind. You can do it. I'm not saying it's easy, but it does get better. I have some peace now and can think better and the stress has lighten up. ❤
I’m only 8 minutes in and this is spot on. I just broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend and I feel like a shell of a person. I’ve lost myself. This gives me hope. Thank you
Most addicts and alcoholics live with so much shame and guilt and they use their drug of choice to try to get away from those feelings. More guilt and shame doesn’t work.
I had to quickly go from "why is this happening how dare you" and asking what is wrong with me to identifying that adding punitive arguments did more harm than anything. Only being honest and working towards self improvement can get you out of codependence.
You're words give me hope. I'm 43 and have done nothing but relapse and get clean all of my adult life. I've done inpatient 5 times and 3 years in sober living houses. I was a house manager for 18 months. I never thought I'd go back after being clean for 3 years. Here I am again. My 19 year old son has told me to leave the past there. If he forgives me, why can't I forgive myself? I'm riddled with guilt and shame.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you find piece in your heart. Grace and forgiveness are gifts that we do not earn. Recognize them and embrace them because it will help you heal and be renewed. There is a love that surpasses all understanding and came to cleanse our hearts. Jesus came to take away the guilt and shame of our sin. And he did that by taking on the most shameful death possible: crucifixion on a Roman cross. He hung there naked, in public disgrace, exposed to the abuse of the jeering crowd. And yet he was innocent. “He endured the cross, scorning its shame” (Hebrews 12:2), so that we can be freed from all shame and live fully with him. The one who trusts in him will never be put to shame.” 1 Peter 2:6 Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters. Hebrews 2:11
This is excellent and wish I had known this 2 years ago. This is one of your best videos that has articulated the crazy, sadness, overwhelming feelings that I have been going through. The comparison is perfect. Thank you for making this video. This is the best video for any loved one that is looking for help.
Thank you. You have been extremely helpful 🙏🏼 im finally hearing and understanding what i am experiencing with my spouse’s addiction/abuse and the toll it has taken on my own self worth and mental confidence. It’s a painful exhausting cylce constantly wishing you could “love them enough”. As a spouse you become distracted by the chaos and lose the ability or you feel guilty to love yourself. You forget what that looks and feels like as you personally feel less valued. Im encouraged to learn more and approach it from a different angle with healthier boundaries.
Thank you for your knowledge Amber. This life is exhausting...I feel like I've been beat down into the ground, like my voice was taken away and that I am not loved by my spouse...just like everyone of you. God give us strength to see what we need to see and act accordingly.
I just got home from the hospital a couple of days ago from trying to unalive myself. My addicted daughter has made me become someone I don't recognize. I am mentally broken. And the saddest part is that she didn't even care that I did it. She left with her boyfriend whiley husband was waiting for the paramedics to get there to save me. And when she came back home, she didn't even ask him if I was ok. And somewhere in my insanity, I thought I could sacrifice myself to save her. What a joke.
I’m sorry to hear that happened. Never give up your life for attention. Please get some mental health /therapy for you. Not for your daughter or anyone else. Your daughter is grown you need to let her fly. Co-dependency which is what one of your problems seems to be is no joke. I spent 10 years with my ex’s mother who was so do-dependent on her son she threatened him all the time, withheld financial help unless he went and spent time with her. It was a terrible mess. I’m praying for you. Remember your life is worth living- a higher power gave you this life so it is not yours to take. Please take care. Edited to add - you can’t fix your daughter. You will never be able to. The only way she will change is when she hits rock bottom. You raised her and she is adult and making these bad choices. Your job is done. You are entitled to live a peaceful life. You can still love her and pray for her but at a distance. If she lives with you then tell her she needs to find a job and move out. Give her an exact date to be out and stick firm with it. I know it sounds harsh but you need peace in your life and deserve it. If she’s around you then you won’t have peace. Set boundaries.
Hugs sent your way. .. seriously. Plz look up Kris Reece. On Narcism A lot of times it’s not us. It may be reactive abuse ❤. . Jesus loves you. It’s a cycle.
I went through the exact same thing. Ended up in the psych ward for 8 days. Can no longer work a regular job so I gave up my 20 year career. Thought it was mostly my daughter’s drug addiction. Then I found out 6 months after my release that my husband is a drug addict too. We are divorced now on top of everything else. It’s been a soul crushing, life altering unholy hell, that’s for sure…
Yes you nailed, all true, & when you said brain changes…. From my association with addiction I had to also learn the following for my own restitution ..the biological neurological chemical process…logic/illogical side to addiction of anything.. The reality, the brains chemical factory releasing dopamine with every pleasure hit, irrespective any pleasure, even eating & perhaps at much higher than normal levels depending on the “ high “ dose .. Done with regularity, addiction, those receptors become disregulated & need repairing .. the coming down … needs weaning to repair, balance … The “ feel bad” process is exactly that, If when experimental a lab rats they will continue to pull the dopamine lever… the feel good & when deprived of dopamine the rat becomes excessively low, looses all interest in virtually being alive, such is brain function… Armed with the this physiology info, for some makes the process easier with decision making, meaning not take any of the process as a personal hit to oneself And the same process in away happens for us… the highs & lows … no shame whatsoever …agree not powerless, something other become more powerful … yourself
Your insight is incredibly accurate. Decades ago a partner was an addict. It was extremely exhausting Sadly through my own childhood/ teenage trauma and his influence I too became an addict. I am 13 years clean and Happy that I'm free from it all. You have to do an incredible amount of inner work on yourself with radical honesty.. its painful but worth it. There is no other way.
It's been 10 years since I walked away. The experience taught me I am codependent and I am an addiction-prone person. I cannot be around any form of recreational substances, legal or not. My "picker", my ability to detect abuse, toxic behavior, and manipulation, was damaged to an even worse state by being around this person. There have been other incidents in the years since where I was subjected to yelling, profanity, false accusations, lying from other people and all I could respond with is attempts to make them feel better, just like I did with the person before. I have LESS ability to deal with people than before because when I'd assert a boundary I would get shouted at, insulted, threatened, everything in the book. You don't magically grow and learn from that. You learn it's better to not assert a boundary. I feel like healthy and functional people warn each other to stay away from me. And it seems unhealthy people can detect my coldness, paranoia etc. and are the ones who will show me attention, get my trust and interest and love, and then know they've found someone they can start abusing and exploiting again. Well-adjusted people are not seeing what I'm seeing. I am not seeing what they are seeing. We are not living in the same world. We are not in the same psychological reality.
I want to know when the "programming" wears off? Living with them...changes so much that even years later, I am still catching reactions/behaviors from that time that I adopted, and need to put away.
Research Bach flower remedies Rescue remedy is a blend of 5 for shock and trauma Then look at centaury and walnut Very interesting Drops in beverage or rubbed on skin Corrects the emotional state to balance
@@kristenmarie9248try therapy and if they don’t get it then try another one. I just got my insurance and have to look into some other health issues that I didn’t have before 🙄 but I’m going to try it again next with a different doctor.
I tried to help my daughter. She tried to exit my car while I was driving. I reacted and reach across the passenger side and cut her nose. She put me in jail and she is trying to prosecute me. All I have done for the last 10 years was to help her. I spent a lot money bailing her out of jail gave her a place to stay. She tried to have me commit last year. Addictions really makes them evil
Your so awesome. Thank you for opening up my mind with so many things about addiction. Alcohol took my wife. I understand now that it was her addiction that change her. I know that now. She was always the sweetest person. I never lost sight of that! I knew it was the drinking. I never gave up on her! It really is baffling and cruel addiction!
I hate the person I become with my 37 year old son. I turn into a raging lunatic as he drives me absolutely nuts. I am the one going insane. He lies, steals and manipulates. He threatens suicide every time things don’t go his way. He uses up police and ambulance resources all the time. I’m done, but the guilt makes me go soft and then as soon as I am nice to him he starts asking for money and so on. So I yo-yo. He brings out the worst in me. I don’t want to ever see him again for my own sanity but then guilt comes. I went through this with his father and joined Al-anon which helped so much and I decided to leave him and never regretted that decision but it’s entirely different when it’s your child.
Julie, I really, really get your post. Logically, I know letting go instead of getting dragged is a good message. When it comes to my son…. I have no words. Mine is 33 and we’ve been in this loop on and off since he was 12. 😭
I pray for your son Julie in the Almighty Nameof Jesus we declare Satan's hold on your boy now loose according to Matthew 18:18 and also gor yiut son Phoenix, we trust in yiu Lord to break the bandage of addiction and substance abuse and we pray for You to fill the voids of these young men and that you send your workers out to talk and work with these abducted men and free them as they turn to you Lord Jesus. Amen
This has been so insightful and helpful thank you. I have been on both sides of addiction and you’re absolutely right it’s worse watching a loved one go through it. I have been clean from heroin for 11 years now. I’m currently watching my boyfriend battle alcohol addiction and it’s so hard. I come at it with deep understanding and patience because I have been there but at the same time I want to strangle him lol! Right now he is on a bender and I haven’t seen him in 3 days but now he’s texting me he wants to come home.
Thanks Amber, so deeply helpful as always - I've started Al-Anon for families. Step 1 is a good place for me to start, and agree with your points about the word "powerless". I see that as I had become powerless due to being in a relationship with an addict, and that the chaos was unmanageable.. But now I'm taking back power to make my life better.
@Buffy - I'm so sorry to hear what you're experiencing. If you ever read this, I hope that you're ok and in a good place. I hope your children can reach the state of recovery.
You helped me out so much when my daughter was struggling. It’s been two years and I never came back to say THANK YOU! THANK YOU for your videos. GOD IS WITH YOU BLESSINGS YOU DAILY. 🙏 🤍
Awww, thank you so much for taking the time to leave me these kind words. It's things like this that keeps me motivated to keep making this content. 💖💖💖
Wow, my addicts is finally living on his own in a boarding house still drinking.but I find myself still calling him and checking on him to see if he is ok..your correct iam just as addicted as he is.thankyou so much for your insight and truth
Thank you so much for this video. I’m so addicted to my alcoholic husband. I’m slowly trying to break it and become my old self while helping him. It’s a daily battle for me. However I keep trying.
I get what your saying so much about being addicted to someone,but we do it out of love and forever hoping they can stop and become "normal"again.sending love to you it's so so hard.
Same here. If I tell him positive things, he turns on it. He does something silly. He is going to methadone dr. His first month was awesome. Then he got back on using. He says no, ha he is. We go everyday at 3: 30 we leave takes us over an hour. Then another hr to get him to work on time. We would let him drive, he gets sleepy and it's too much. We meet him 30min from his work so he could drive from there. It's so stressful!
You can't help him. That's part of the con. When your in a close relationship with an alcoholic or drug user, you are simply a means for them to feed their habit.
Dear Buffy, I feel your pain and weep for you and your family! My daughter is 31 and still struggling, and the hurt & anger is truly overwhelming!!! I listen to you Amber often!!! And need to keep on learning...your method has really helped!
When i started getting better and picked myself out of that cycle of his Rollercoaster, he started accusing me of cheating on him and now he uses that as a reason for his addiction getting worse
It is a road that once started cannot be righted. It will eventually lead to separation and the faster you realize, prepare, and work on yourself, the better off you will be. Life is too short to waste it on someone who does not feel the same way about you as you do them.
I let my addicted 55 yr old brother move in with me a year ago. At least he was clean, calm and kind. It was sad to watch however. He ended up taking his life last month. I can tell you I'm glad I took him in so he at least had a nice, safe place to stay his last year rather than living on the street.
My alcoholic passed away…. But you’re making me so aware of how he damaged me and I damaged myself. I appreciate the knowledge you impart. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
👋 Amber, thank you for explaining this. i am having horrible problems trying to get sympathy from friends who just don't understand how I can be so crazy broken after a 3 year relationship ended 2 months ago. I am completely broken, and trying to pick the pieces of me together, but it's crazy how nobody understands and just tell you : oh but he's not worth it, you should have seen it coming
I have been living with an alcoholic husband for 15 years. Your talk hit home for me. I am crazy! I don't know who I am; what my hobbies are, and what I enjoy because I spend every weekend worrying about my husband drinking and then driving. I am on constant high alert, and it is exhausting, but I feel I need to be on high alert to keep the public safe. I can "detach " from everything except that fear.
Amber, I had to pause the video to write this: Thank you, with all my heart! I've watched your videos since last weekend and I really have to stop myself not to binge watch every video. Some of the things you say I've figured out over time - but you have really opened my eyes in some ways. I've made the mistake of emotionally distancing myself from my husband while setting boundaries. Thanks to your videos I've softened a lot, without my boundaries being stepped on and in return it's helping him to calm down and think. We've still got a long journey ahead of us but the more I learn about addiction and everything that comes with it the more I am able to manage my own ego ( for example, not getting angry or offended if he's lying because it is a symptom). I'm far from perfect - he still sometimes gets to me so bad that I turn into a crazy person, which I'm not proud of. Do you have a video about what to do when someone threatens to harm himself to get what he wants?
Ugh, I remember when I obsessed over this. With work and self care, I have completely detached myself from this toxic addiction to the addict. It's such a free feeling. I can not control anything he does. And life is too short to try to convince yourself otherwise.
@@TheLisajoyce Lisa I to am where you are. I pray and read God's read first thing every morning, make my bed, fix myself breakfast and I've noticed I start my day with peace and courage to handle what life throws at me better. I feel more in control over my emotions. You can raise above this. Blessings to you my friend.
Thank you. Dating and loving someone with an addiction for four years has been a descent into darkness. I have gone from being a vibrant, self assured, independent and healthy woman, to an insecure, doubting, sad and negative person with a scarcity mindset. I am no longer happy, because I have violated my own standards and boundaries and put up with way, way too much. I ask myself all the time, “What is wrong with me?” “Where is my bottom line? Do I even have one?” “Who is he? He will admit to almost nothing but I find things. I am chasing a ghost and this is a ME problem, whether it started out as one or became one. I am ashamed and becoming more and more isolated. I need help. And the first step is backing up to gain perspective. Thank you for identifying that. I have a lot of work to do.
Snap.....my son is schizophrenic too, and services here don't give a rats arse about what carers are dealing with. Basically, you really are on your own 😭
Ugggg the story of my life for 15 years. Got rid of him and kicked him out but it still haunts me and I'm still insane.....I hate the person I've become...
Missed the live, but the same message I heard from a therapist I was seeing a few years ago. You explained it way better though - the part about being addicted to them. I have realized the parallels between his bargaining and my bargaining. Eye opening. Thanks for all the helpful info you share Amber.
And thank you. I was feeling like I was going crazy, acting a fool with his phone and up his butt about what he was doing where he was.... I was like WTF. Then I saw a video, and this one today, that explained it and I felt so much better.
Wow. This literally describes my relationship with my ex girlfriend. I was obsessed with trying to help her see her addiction (when I started to see it) and absolutely lost myself. That’s when I found this channel. Thanks so much for this information. Feeling so much better since I ended the relationship and distanced myself.
Today has been a ruff day with my husband always tell me it my and he he hates me start listening to you made me realize what I need to do with myself and I'm going to do that I'm going to work myself cuz I know what I want once again I just wanted to tell you thank you
🤚🤚God bless you, Amber. Thank you for continuing to share your wisdom. I am a recovering addict alcoholic almost 6 months sober, living with an active addict. I have been obsessing over my husband's addiction and I am trusting your advice even when I struggle to implement i!!! The struggle is real!!! Thank you for your good, true and strong advice!! Pressing on patiently with hope for self improvement❤🙏🏼
Thank you! I’ve been watching and learning. You are so informative and I’ve tried to get my loved one to listen to you and get help. After a while i realized i was in trouble mentally and emotionally. I have been looking for something from you on this subject. I knew you were so thorough it had to be help on the matter. Thank you for sharing and helping me realize what i am going through is real. I am taking measures to heal.
Thank you so much for your videos. Just discovered your channel. Living with my grown son who had been addicted for years. It is a total rollercoaster. You described me to a T on this video
This explains everything so well as to exactly what was happening with me in my relationship with my addict husband. I knew he was using and abusive but I didn’t want to believe it could be true and I wanted to believe it could change. Thank you so much for explaining this so well.
Thank you so very much, as I’m having an epiphany of my past- present - and future. From my Father to my current romantic relationship, at the age of 54 yrs. I’m a therapist, was an Intake Worker at a drug/alcohol rehab, teacher, event marketer, and sales specialist, plus CEO of a manufacturing company. I’ve been familiar and intermittently active within Alateen, Alanon, SLA, Coda, Narcissitic Abuse Survivor, and a continuous. Life long curiosity / learning, constant. The puzzle pieces that we fill, mark the complexity Alcoholism.. It’s a “Family Disease”, however we define Family. The only disease where the carrier of the disease, expresses the effects and symptoms though those that do not carry the disease of alcoholism. It is crazy and mind ending, concerning the reconditioning, boggling…reconditioning our addiction raised childhood, multi generational, and conditioned behavior training. Time to learn and relearn it all over again. Daily Maintenance keeps Codependency Manageable. ♥️🤗❣️
Thank you for your videos! They have helped me SO MUCH! Especially this video, I have felt like a crazy person for the last 2 years but you have helped me make some tough decisions that I should have made a long time ago. Things still aren't easy but my head feels so much clearer.
After over 20 years with my daughter and tried everything, now I'm 62, now maybe not powerless because I won't give up, but now I know I can only love her and be compassionate.
My partner is going to rehab next week for the first time, I'm terrified of the change coming, because I know I'll have to heal my own codepence while he's gone. But this video eased my anxiety a little bit today, so thank you for that♥️
😭😭😭 My husband is an addict of multiple things.. Functioning one but verbally abusive. This is exactly true for me and for him. I've finally stopped the crazy and am numb and ready to start healing and starting self focus to help.
Psychedelics killed my drug and alcohol dependencies - one trip two years ago to purge my depression and chronic anxiety from my system was the best decision I ever made. I've done LSD a few times since, but after my last high dose trip I realized that the medicine has taught me enough for now. I might return to psychedelics later in my life if I ever find a source.
The good thing about LSD is its non addictive, the best experience I've EVER had on ANY drug was LSD, I've been so happy my face literally hurt from smiling so much for so many hours, but but once the trip wears off the last thing I'm thinking about is dropping another trip, you need time to recover, the closest I'd ever had trips together were a week apart but usually months or years, having said that it's been 5yrs since the last time but certainly would again given the right time and setting
Today's been a long day I look at myself in the mirror and they see bruises on me totally different person it's not the man that I married when he's on drugs I love him a lot with all my heart but you made me realize what I need to do and own up to my responsibilities so you open my eyes and made me realize what I need to do and I know I'll get through it
I needed this, this morning! It’s amazing, I’ve never heard it like this…I’m a mama to an addicted/alcoholic daughter that making me loose my mind. I lost her sister in 2017 to the same thing…so going through this again ….let’s just say I needed this! 🤪 Thank you!😘🙏🏼🌺
Powerlessness is only mentioned once in the 12 steps because when you first come into the program your life is so unmanageable and everything you’ve tried on your own has failed royally and you feel like you have no power over the addiction. It was originally created by Dr Bob and Bill W about cravings. Next steps 2-12 are about empowering yourself and learning that you are not powerless that your life will become manageable if you surrender yourself to others for help do these things we suggest-
I just love your advice. Ive been watching your videos for over two years after having a breakdown due to living with my bf and his alcoholic parents. Recently my bf and I had the biggest fight in our 5 year relationship in september because I could no longer live in the addiction. While living there i dealt with all the issues with his parents as my bfs substitute. I was so stressed out of my mind. My bf had a breakdown and i felt so horrible pushing him to that point but I had been dealing with everything alone. He felt like i was his only stress because i kept complaining about the issues in the house as I was having to deal with them by myself. I had confronted his parents multiple times about these reoccuring issues and my bf and his sister felt it was their house so i shouldnt even say anything I was just a guest. However, I felt if i was just a guess i wouldnt have had to deal with all the bs I dealt with living there. I cleaned things that hadnt been cleaned in years,, would spend hours cleaning the house whenever they would totally mess it up during their drunken tyraids, I got rid of most of the mold i could, bought a majority of the groceries, cleaning supplies, and . When i tol my bf i couldnt stand doing it anymore he would continiously complain to me about how dirty it was. Even when he said I didnt need to clean the other rooms he would tirelessly complain about the floors which we had difficulty keeping the floors clean because the other rooms and hall way we had to walk through was not being maintained. Talking to my bfs sister about these things were difficult as her dad often lied to her about the state of the house and their drinking. My bf and his sister both felt I had no right to say anything about the situation even though both of them were dealing with any of these issues. His sister moved out do to these exact reasons but over the years it had become way worse especially during the pandemic when their work hours were cut. They would drink every other day and invite friends to drink at their place. Most days I would be sent to watc over his extremely drunk mom when I stopped watching her she would walk out underdressed without shoes to get more drinks. Living with them was extremely stressful for me and extremely lonely. I spent alot of time talking to my bf about it and he would always act defensive and talk about my family. I never deny my family has issues and i left them for my own mental health.
I look all the time for his beer when I get home, it's like I'm obsessed with proving he's drinking even though I know he is. I can't seem to stop myself.
Today's been a long day I look at myself in the mirror and they see bruises on me totally different person it's not the man that I married when he's on drugs I love him a lot with all my heart but you made me realize what I need to do and own up to my responsibilities so you open my eyes and made me realize what I need to do and I know I'll get through it 38:2238:24 😊
Me too. And he's trying to come back again and I already tried to help him! He needs rehab! Not me! I will not lose my peace! I worked so hard for it. I'm not going to invite someone to take it from me
This landed on my algorithm for a reason. My addict was the breadwinner I stayed home raised HIS kids my bonus kids. But I left two years ago sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed ? But then I was sick of being alone with him right there! I’d be in the living room alone …but he was the love of my life and now it’s been two years..he punished me for leaving and didn’t talk to me for two years!! Moved in with someone else ha boy it hurts. Being alone is better but he’s my legal husband I miss him
Wow. So true. This resonates with me so much. It is so hard for me to talk to friends or family about “regular things” in their life when I feel like a ship is sinking in front of me. But I can’t say anything about it because according to him, it’s not happening. And no one else I know knows about it. Family already hates him and I don’t tell them anything anymore other than that things are fine. His mom used to stand up to him and not enable but now that his dad’s passed, they have some strange dynamic where he’s like “head of the household” while living there and so now she turns a blind eye. He chooses to stay with her when he could be here, with his child as well. He will talk to me all day one day and the next day I won’t hear a word. Those days are the days that make me crazy. I’ve withdrawn from anyone else around me bc it’s all I can think about. I don’t even want to talk to my friends bc I can’t talk about this. Half the time even in friends and family of addict groups they just tell you to leave them and mention that it’s bad for your children (as if we don’t know that, as if I ever allow drugs in my home or see him do it). It’s frustrating and lonely. But what do you do when you love someone so much? And they won’t even admit it? Thank you for this video. It makes me feel “real” in a way to know that someone out there understands. ❤
You help me so much Amber, Thank You. Everything you say is such good, revealing, transforming counsel. This is me as an enabler 100%. I believe I’m in the process of stopping and stabilizing myself. Due to emotional and verbal abuse. I did have to cut this person out. I agree and it is my hope that when I get well they will get well. Either way, I owe to myself to heal, live and celebrate the life God gave me.
Take Amber's Free Boundaries Quiz: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/boundaries-quiz
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I thought I needed to go into a mental hospital. But I found this channel. Thank goodness.
Thank you, this helps me navigate my understanding with what I’m dealing with.
I left my ex-husband in March of 2022. Divorced him February of 2023. We co-parent our 8 year old son that is extremely close to his drug addict father. My heart is so broken, I've been in and out of depression and lost my high paying job. I'm tired of him telling me I'm crazy. I need to be strong and keep him in my life as minimal as I can. It's been a very tough road. The only thing keeping me strong is a relationship with God and my children.
Thank u for sharing, you are brave, you don't think u are but u are. I'm working on my courage 💪 self esteem and finances to make a move. I'm 10 yrs into this relationship and wanted out at 3yrs but having kids and wanting a family made me stay. We lived separately for 1 1/2 yrs but losing my jobs during covid and homeschooling brought him back into the house. I'm not mad anymore, not depressed about not having "normal" family, I'm exhausted and done. I want a new life, and its up to me to be the adult here and finally end it in hopes of smiling again. I want my kids (6 and 10) to know what healthy relationships look like, and this ain't it! I'm starting with finding myself because I've built so many walls of protection I forget how to be me.
Alanon is the only thing that works for me❤
@bridgettavelar2204, you have God and he's exactly who you need. Prayers.
Praise God, He will sustain you Sister. God will never leave you or foresake you. 🙏🏻💕
Many people don't see why god is our saving grace.
This is brilliant, thank you Amber. Living with an addict and fighting to "save" them made me even sicker than they were. I did not recognize myself, who I have become.
Me too 😢
That happens to me as well.
Me too 😢
Same… we have to make the choice to save ourselves and then do it when we know we’ve done all we can or we will die too.
I agree. My husband’s drug use have gave me a stroke and I still want to save him even through that. Now, I’m at a point where I’ve kicked him out so I can have my peace. This may possibly turn into a divorce and lose the love of my life but I cannot go on living this way.
I was the person who tried to control the addiction, my god it’s exhausting!!!!!
My husband has been clean and sober now for 15 years, I had to live with a whole new person. We have been together for 30 years and as hard as it was it is now wonderful.
I was so excited for my boyfriend’s 10 months sober and almost 😅 invited all his friends to a birthday party, he relapsed because his mom took too many pills and started hearing voices again:, now he completes one year and two months sober but he had some mental issues and was mean to me progressively so I went to my moms for a day. I came back and he had relapsed: we’re 3 years and 3 months together. I don’t see it anymore.
What made you want to stay?
I’ve been living with an alcoholic for nearly 21 years. Thought I was going crazy because I’ve obsessed about it for a long, long time. I’m tired, I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted, I’m feeling so depleted. 🙄😞😢
Same here
Al anon works for me. Find the right group.
I did Al anon for 8 years and it helped. I agree about the powerless. I think I do have a choice.
I’m tempted to get people on my side and hear what’s going on ,
so I isolate to not talk about it to others. I have before and I was only embarrassed that I did and felt like I lowered myself. What I wanted was help and advice but it came out looking like self pity.
I do the same...isolate...when i share they just dont get it...the toxic environment of anxiety and walking on eggshells never knowing what will set them off! @anderson49100
If you make it through an extremely traumatic experience such as a long marriage to an addicted person and still keep your sanity, you have achieved the state of kensugi.
The Japanese concept of kensugi is that things that are broken and then repaired are more beautiful than those that have never been broken.
If you have a pottery bowl repaired in Japan, the repair person will usually mix a large dose of pure gold powder into the glue. That adds some new beauty to the bowl.
I love that! 💓💓💓💓
I think I have must have achieved kensugi. I am 33 years now with a high level functioning alcoholic. I am not sure how he manages but he does somehow. He has never lost time at work, makes good money. Is helpful and kind . But he drinks every day, just at home and between the hours of 6 and 9 pm, he can drink 12 to 14 beer in a few hours. And I have been through everything you describe here. I have been the crazy person you are describing, spying on him, screaming and yelling, finding his stash and throwing it out, threatening him. He continuously even today, gas lights me, lying about his drinking. He actually has me second guessing my own brain, that maybe I am crazy. I definitely lost myself in all this. Finally the light bulb came on a few years ago and I realized I couldn’t do anything to change him or make him stop, so I stopped all that craziness and started focusing on myself. All I could do was change me. So I did. I love my husband, he is a good person with a health issue. But, I am not in love with him anymore, Or I am not obsessed with him anymore. If he wants to drink himself to death, so be it. I no longer feel the need to save him. So my soul is quieter now. How do I deal with it? I call him on his drinking, I just say, I know you have been drinking and I known you have had more than 2 beer and then I withdraw from the conversation and leave him alone. When he lies and gaslights, I just call him on that too. I say you are lying or gaslighting me again, it is not going to work any longer because I am onto you. You in your heart know you are wrong here and are just trying to turn it around on me. Because before I would turn into that raving lunatic trying to defend myself.
This really helps me 😢 thankyou.
@@SIMpip374This is so relatable. I’ve been with a high functioning successful daily using alcoholic for the last 20 years. He starts drinking around 4:00 until 10:00 or so. I don’t say anything to him, because I know better. He’ll shut me out, or ignore me if I do. Thank you for sharing your story, because it makes me feel that I’m not so alone. ❤🙏🏻
Going on 40 years. This sounds so familiar. Working on me now. @@SIMpip374
I'll never hate her for her addiction, I'll always care but from a distance
I tell them "I love you, I just don't like the person you've become"
OMG, I lived like this for 21 years. Honey, I **drank** so I could deal with his **drinking**. I got out of it, and tamed my issues with alcohol and am in a healthy relationship now. It can be done.
I smoke and drink when he takes off I quit today I’m changing myself back to the me before who had such great hobbies ❤
Thanks for giving me some hope. ❤
Same boat, thanks for sharing and giving some hope for what seems to be an unsustainable, hopeless situation❤
U can get well if you want too ?
Your choice your responsibility 😊
What I've found is unless you have walked in any particular individuals shoes, what works for you might not work for them!
I have an adult son that lives with me that has a severe alcohol use disorder and it is so emotionally exhausting. I am so ready for him to move out so I can get my life back. He is a super sweet person inside, and he is not drinking right now (9 days home from a detox at hospital) and he went to treatment for 3 months but he relapsed after about 3 weeks of being back at home. It’s been going on for around 6 years and the past two years have been really hard. I want out…..but I do know this will be a lifelong battle for him. I’m just so tired, anxious, feel like a shell of my former self.
Same with me, as my adult son lives with me currently, and is addicted to meth & crack cocaine. It just wears you out emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. So tired.
I understand what the frustration is about. I want mine here, at the same time Im Having stress watching him and not sure if he's on or off drugs. Worrying is making me sick.
@@tonimarroy1290 You can usually tell simply by observing their behavior. Once you know the pattern, it's easy to spot.
I know how you feel. Alcohol took my wife. Just seeing her suffer to past breath slaughter me. But there was nothing I could do for her. I miss her every day but I'm trying not to blame myself for her decision. Please don't torture yourself for all we can do is love them. Stay strong..
🤚 My 44 yo son is driving me and my 95 yo Dad crazy. He’s been stealing $$ so he can get his alcohol. He’s going through a divorce and says he can’t go to any Rehab bc she’ll use it against him!
A /son is an addict, 23 yrs, all of your words I have lived. Still live , get u, I'm tired, 62 and no life but worry...I am glad a person told me of your utube videos!! Thank you 🙏🏻
Hi Carol, Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here💌
25 years married to an alcoholic. He gets up and goes to work every day but at 7 pm every single night he cracks open a tin of beer and cloaks off being a parent or a husband. He is controlling, jealous and resentful of every thing I do . I am in the process of planning my escape . It is going to be very difficult and I have to completely start all over again but I know eventually it will all be for the best 🙏🏻
Amber! I’m almost 17 mo sober and I watch you all the time. I used to cry listening to how I was affecting my family but now days I want to hear. The reason is because there are long term affects that we addicts cause on our loved ones and I see these effects even when they don’t. It actually allows me to have compassion and patience for them because I know I played a part in them being like that. I don’t sit in shame anymore so I dont watch this and feel guilty at all. I’m making my amends and learning how to love them in a way I could not for 17yrs in my alcohol addiction. Thank you so much for all the teaching you do for all of us. You spoke to me before I ever knew I was sick or went to rehab and I was just thinking I needed to get a handle on it. I didn’t know I couldn’t on my own will. I couldn’t have done it without God but I also need the psychology and education and it all goes together. Always sharing your vids to families AND addicts especially when they get to the place where they can hear it. I can’t thank you enough for what you do! There really is freedom on this side and I won’t stop believing that for me or others!
This is beautiful. You've made my day. Is it okay if I read your comment during my Live video this week? I think it could really help other people to hear your success story!
Hi Promisepenton, I thought your comment was inspirational so I posted it (anonymously) in the community section. You should hop over to the community section and see all the positive responses you’re getting! 🤩🤩.
Amber, sorry I’m slow to respond. I’m glad you posted my comment if it could be helpful and I never care if I’m anonymous or not, haha. I freeze in groups and am unable to speak and I’m not improving in that area so that’s pretty isolating. I really haven’t felt like I could contribute in the usual way we do at meetings… so if I say what’s in my heart online and it gives even one person hope I’m very grateful for that.
I appreciate your sharing, especially sharing how you came to realize how your addiction really affected those who love you the most. Same happened with me after 12 yrs on and off meth addiction. Took 12 years to finally feel like I had earned total trust with them again. Lots of self work and accountability yet worth it every single day 20+ years later.
I am a shell curled up on the floor. Especially after his last binge. The gaslighting , domestic abuse and alcohol delusion is killing me.
Abuse is never okay. Take a look at this video. I think it might help 👉🏻 ua-cam.com/video/EE5D8U34cl4/v-deo.html
And it's our fault. I hate hearing that. He says, well if you hadnt gone to volunteer at work. Or you're the one who put on makeup, you talked to the neighbor, you went to your friends, you did or you did that. Had I not done any of that then he wouldn't do drugs, it's me pushing him to it.
You're not alone. We must find a way through or out. That's all there is to it to keep what's left of our health and sanity. I know you're stronger than you know. It's cliche, but it still feels good to say to someone, and it still feels good to hear. I hope you are finding your way through or out of this. 🌷
@@kaylaschroeder1 thank you. I'm now separated from my abuser
Praise the Lord Jesus and I believe God gave you the strength to get out . Thanks for updating us on your situation, now focus on your healing dear, and jeep your eyes up and on God for total emotional healing. I'm praying to be able to leave my abuser soon. I can totally relate to your situation , so thank you for your courage to reach out and in the same time motivate individuals like my self.
Thank you so much for these videos. They are so, so helpful. My loved one has an addiction, and the worst thing for me regarding their addiction is that it brings out such ugly reactions that I did not know Im capable of. The worst thing is that it makes me hate myself. And I really hate that. This was the tipping point, and made me realise that's my limit. I can take a lot of bad things, but not hating myself. That being said, I slowly started to care for myself, and I'm better now. Its not easy, but its doable. #RegressionToTheMean but intentional
So glad you’re finding your self again’
Girl you are not alone
I know how your feel.
I hate who I am too. I've never been this way. I'm constantly on edge, terrified, sad.
Hey Amber, I have a comment on narcissistic abuse. I divorced am divorced from a covert narcissist. The information I gained from a therapist was invaluable. But I can't camp there. It's seems that people want to complain about it so people will pity them. Pity won't help me recover. My perception of people is warped because of it. I am having to learn to trust all over again. It's healthy to become aware when we have been victimized. It's unhealthy to want a monument built to it.
I love your strength and courage! Very impressive 💪🏻
Beautifully worded and explained! 🎯💯
A covert narcissist is Satan's secret weapon, they creep into your life and destroy you from within. Congrats on surviving that.
Not scripted, straight from a beautiful heart and a sharp mind. Your motivation speaks by coming straight from a place of truth.
I am so grateful to have found a community of people that have gone through and are going through the exact word for word same thing as my family. Thank you so much Amber I just found you yesterday and I'm enjoying you very much❤❤
Welcome to our little community, Jaqueline! So glad you're here. Thank you for the kind feedback 💓
WOWWWW. This is amazing. It is SPOT ON. Married 20 years to my husband who became an alcoholic 5 years ago. I have done ALL of these things and couldnt undertstand what the hell was wrong with me LOL. Thank you for these, long time subscriber.
I’m totally not leaving the home I created! He’s going to leave if necessary. I’m finally old enough and have my own resources. It’s so important to have your own finances! HUGE peace of mind 🙏 Keep track of abuse and lies, get a great lawyer if needed:) ❤
I had my own business and was doing great when I met my ex. He literally destroyed and stole everything I had.
I've been away from him for 3 years and still struggling to survive because I'm left with health issues, severe depression and PTSD from that whole experience.
It's horrible 😞
I'm 65, I have never been without an active addict in my life. I came into the 12 step program 38 yrs. ago. Between the steps & other self help theories for the most part i managed pretty well. Now my 2 sons & 1 grandson, now in recovery. Put down the shovel has contributed to those changes. Focus on my recovery makes sharing with others effective.
And also let me say, I feel like Alanon works for some, BUT I feel all of these years later the program needs to be updated!!!!!
This video hit deep...i have two addicted sons and lately ive realised how addicted I am to them...Most of my relaxing time is spent thinking of how to solve it and why its happening and how much they suffer and why cant they choose the better path and what part of it i caused...Even on the good days I feel guilty...Bargaining...Ive done the worst case scenarios over and over ...to the point where I even feel that if i force rehab,I feel sorry for the pain of withdrawal they will face...Some days im an enabler ...some days i try to play God
Exactly the same my friend!! 😢😢
I am new here and I am so very happy I found you. You description is spot on. Unbeliveable! I have been married for over 20 yrs now but the last 5 my husband has become an addict and I have felt like I was going to loose my mind or have a heartattck over the stress and anger. I am a shell of what I use to be. I have been so depressed that I had my Dr double my antidepressants. He has made me doubt everything in about myself. His kids tell me I am co-dependent but I don't think so. I am just a woman in love with her first love and not wanting to give up on him. My son recently OD a couple of weeks ago. He was my only child and now he is gone. My husband has yet allowed me to process and grieve. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for making these videos.
My prayers are with you. I too have last my only child to addiction. My spouse also doesn't let me grieve because of his addiction. I've had to separate myself from him or I was going to lose my mind. You can do it. I'm not saying it's easy, but it does get better. I have some peace now and can think better and the stress has lighten up. ❤
This topic is so helpful for me today!
Admitting "defeat" would be my substitute for admitting powerlessness.
I LIKE THAT!
I’m only 8 minutes in and this is spot on. I just broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend and I feel like a shell of a person. I’ve lost myself. This gives me hope. Thank you
Sending you hugs, Maddiee! 🤗🤗🤗
🤲 it feels like waiting on the side lines for the last 11 years for my life to continue, since my son started his addictions
Most addicts and alcoholics live with so much shame and guilt and they use their drug of choice to try to get away from those feelings. More guilt and shame doesn’t work.
I agree
It's a viscous circle so hard to deal with.
I had to quickly go from "why is this happening how dare you" and asking what is wrong with me to identifying that adding punitive arguments did more harm than anything. Only being honest and working towards self improvement can get you out of codependence.
You're words give me hope. I'm 43 and have done nothing but relapse and get clean all of my adult life. I've done inpatient 5 times and 3 years in sober living houses. I was a house manager for 18 months. I never thought I'd go back after being clean for 3 years. Here I am again. My 19 year old son has told me to leave the past there. If he forgives me, why can't I forgive myself? I'm riddled with guilt and shame.
Give eft tapping a try UA-cam brad Yates self hatred. Needs done often but only takes 15 min. You will feel better after the first time
Thank you for sharing. I hope you find piece in your heart. Grace and forgiveness are gifts that we do not earn. Recognize them and embrace them because it will help you heal and be renewed. There is a love that surpasses all understanding and came to cleanse our hearts. Jesus came to take away the guilt and shame of our sin. And he did that by taking on the most shameful death possible: crucifixion on a Roman cross. He hung there naked, in public disgrace, exposed to the abuse of the jeering crowd. And yet he was innocent. “He endured the cross, scorning its shame” (Hebrews 12:2), so that we can be freed from all shame and live fully with him.
The one who trusts in him will never be put to shame.”
1 Peter 2:6
Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters.
Hebrews 2:11
This is excellent and wish I had known this 2 years ago. This is one of your best videos that has articulated the crazy, sadness, overwhelming feelings that I have been going through. The comparison is perfect. Thank you for making this video. This is the best video for any loved one that is looking for help.
I'm so glad this was helpful to you Marina!
Thank you. You have been extremely helpful 🙏🏼 im finally hearing and understanding what i am experiencing with my spouse’s addiction/abuse and the toll it has taken on my own self worth and mental confidence. It’s a painful exhausting cylce constantly wishing you could “love them enough”. As a spouse you become distracted by the chaos and lose the ability or you feel guilty to love yourself. You forget what that looks and feels like as you personally feel less valued.
Im encouraged to learn more and approach it from a different angle with healthier boundaries.
I never had the courage to leave..he's passed now but I'm damaged..anxiety extreme anger and deep regret..all those wasted years
Thank you for your knowledge Amber. This life is exhausting...I feel like I've been beat down into the ground, like my voice was taken away and that I am not loved by my spouse...just like everyone of you. God give us strength to see what we need to see and act accordingly.
I just got home from the hospital a couple of days ago from trying to unalive myself. My addicted daughter has made me become someone I don't recognize. I am mentally broken. And the saddest part is that she didn't even care that I did it. She left with her boyfriend whiley husband was waiting for the paramedics to get there to save me. And when she came back home, she didn't even ask him if I was ok. And somewhere in my insanity, I thought I could sacrifice myself to save her. What a joke.
I’m sorry to hear that happened. Never give up your life for attention. Please get some mental health /therapy for you. Not for your daughter or anyone else. Your daughter is grown you need to let her fly. Co-dependency which is what one of your problems seems to be is no joke. I spent 10 years with my ex’s mother who was so do-dependent on her son she threatened him all the time, withheld financial help unless he went and spent time with her. It was a terrible mess. I’m praying for you. Remember your life is worth living- a higher power gave you this life so it is not yours to take. Please take care. Edited to add - you can’t fix your daughter. You will never be able to. The only way she will change is when she hits rock bottom. You raised her and she is adult and making these bad choices. Your job is done. You are entitled to live a peaceful life. You can still love her and pray for her but at a distance. If she lives with you then tell her she needs to find a job and move out. Give her an exact date to be out and stick firm with it. I know it sounds harsh but you need peace in your life and deserve it. If she’s around you then you won’t have peace. Set boundaries.
Hugs sent your way. .. seriously. Plz look up Kris Reece. On Narcism
A lot of times it’s not us. It may be reactive abuse ❤. . Jesus loves you.
Hugs sent your way. .. seriously. Plz look up Kris Reece. On Narcism
A lot of times it’s not us. It may be reactive abuse ❤. . Jesus loves you. It’s a cycle.
I went through the exact same thing. Ended up in the psych ward for 8 days. Can no longer work a regular job so I gave up my 20 year career. Thought it was mostly my daughter’s drug addiction. Then I found out 6 months after my release that my husband is a drug addict too. We are divorced now on top of everything else. It’s been a soul crushing, life altering unholy hell, that’s for sure…
You can not save her but do you want to save yourself
Yes you nailed, all true, & when you said brain changes….
From my association with addiction I had to also learn the following for my own restitution ..the biological neurological chemical process…logic/illogical side to addiction of anything..
The reality, the brains chemical factory releasing dopamine with every pleasure hit, irrespective any pleasure, even eating & perhaps at much higher than normal levels depending on the “ high “ dose ..
Done with regularity, addiction, those receptors become disregulated & need repairing .. the coming down … needs weaning to repair, balance …
The “ feel bad” process is exactly that,
If when experimental
a lab rats they will continue to pull the dopamine lever… the feel good & when deprived of dopamine the rat becomes excessively
low, looses all interest in virtually being alive, such is brain function…
Armed with the this physiology info, for some makes the process easier with decision making, meaning not take any of the process as a personal hit to oneself
And the same process in away happens for us… the highs & lows … no shame whatsoever …agree not powerless, something other become more powerful … yourself
Thanks for helping us understand the insanity, and that we are not alone.
Your insight is incredibly accurate.
Decades ago a partner was an addict. It was extremely exhausting Sadly through my own childhood/ teenage trauma and his influence I too became an addict. I am 13 years clean and Happy that I'm free from it all. You have to do an incredible amount of inner work on yourself with radical honesty.. its painful but worth it. There is no other way.
It's been 10 years since I walked away. The experience taught me I am codependent and I am an addiction-prone person. I cannot be around any form of recreational substances, legal or not. My "picker", my ability to detect abuse, toxic behavior, and manipulation, was damaged to an even worse state by being around this person. There have been other incidents in the years since where I was subjected to yelling, profanity, false accusations, lying from other people and all I could respond with is attempts to make them feel better, just like I did with the person before.
I have LESS ability to deal with people than before because when I'd assert a boundary I would get shouted at, insulted, threatened, everything in the book. You don't magically grow and learn from that. You learn it's better to not assert a boundary.
I feel like healthy and functional people warn each other to stay away from me. And it seems unhealthy people can detect my coldness, paranoia etc. and are the ones who will show me attention, get my trust and interest and love, and then know they've found someone they can start abusing and exploiting again.
Well-adjusted people are not seeing what I'm seeing. I am not seeing what they are seeing. We are not living in the same world. We are not in the same psychological reality.
That is so true!
I want to know when the "programming" wears off? Living with them...changes so much that even years later, I am still catching reactions/behaviors from that time that I adopted, and need to put away.
Research Bach flower remedies
Rescue remedy is a blend of 5 for shock and trauma
Then look at centaury and walnut
Very interesting
Drops in beverage or rubbed on skin
Corrects the emotional state to balance
@@kristenmarie9248try therapy and if they don’t get it then try another one. I just got my insurance and have to look into some other health issues that I didn’t have before 🙄 but I’m going to try it again next with a different doctor.
I tried to help my daughter. She tried to exit my car while I was driving. I reacted and reach across the passenger side and cut her nose. She put me in jail and she is trying to prosecute me. All I have done for the last 10 years was to help her. I spent a lot money bailing her out of jail gave her a place to stay. She tried to have me commit last year. Addictions really makes them evil
Your so awesome. Thank you for opening up my mind with so many things about addiction. Alcohol took my wife. I understand now that it was her addiction that change her. I know that now. She was always the sweetest person. I never lost sight of that! I knew it was the drinking. I never gave up on her! It really is baffling and cruel addiction!
I hate the person I become with my 37 year old son. I turn into a raging lunatic as he drives me absolutely nuts. I am the one going insane. He lies, steals and manipulates. He threatens suicide every time things don’t go his way. He uses up police and ambulance resources all the time. I’m done, but the guilt makes me go soft and then as soon as I am nice to him he starts asking for money and so on. So I yo-yo. He brings out the worst in me. I don’t want to ever see him again for my own sanity but then guilt comes. I went through this with his father and joined Al-anon which helped so much and I decided to leave him and never regretted that decision but it’s entirely different when it’s your child.
Take a look at this video, Julie. I think it might help. It's called 4 reasons to walk away: ua-cam.com/video/EE5D8U34cl4/v-deo.html
Julie, I really, really get your post. Logically, I know letting go instead of getting dragged is a good message. When it comes to my son…. I have no words. Mine is 33 and we’ve been in this loop on and off since he was 12. 😭
@@PhoenixRising858 prayer for yall!
The worry is worse than the drugs. No sleep, headaches and no fun!
I pray for your son Julie in the Almighty Nameof Jesus we declare Satan's hold on your boy now loose according to Matthew 18:18 and also gor yiut son Phoenix, we trust in yiu Lord to break the bandage of addiction and substance abuse and we pray for You to fill the voids of these young men and that you send your workers out to talk and work with these abducted men and free them as they turn to you Lord Jesus. Amen
This has been so insightful and helpful thank you. I have been on both sides of addiction and you’re absolutely right it’s worse watching a loved one go through it. I have been clean from heroin for 11 years now. I’m currently watching my boyfriend battle alcohol addiction and it’s so hard. I come at it with deep understanding and patience because I have been there but at the same time I want to strangle him lol! Right now he is on a bender and I haven’t seen him in 3 days but now he’s texting me he wants to come home.
WOW!! 11years ...that's amazing ! You are a super hero !! 💪 one day at a time.
Ive made my husband my Idol. I figured this out some time ago and had to ask God to forgive me. Thanks for the insight
Blessings
I did too
And I ve been shown his imperfections
Thanks Amber, so deeply helpful as always - I've started Al-Anon for families. Step 1 is a good place for me to start, and agree with your points about the word "powerless".
I see that as I had become powerless due to being in a relationship with an addict, and that the chaos was unmanageable.. But now I'm taking back power to make my life better.
You got this!
@Buffy - I'm so sorry to hear what you're experiencing. If you ever read this, I hope that you're ok and in a good place. I hope your children can reach the state of recovery.
You helped me out so much when my daughter was struggling. It’s been two years and I never came back to say THANK YOU! THANK YOU for your videos. GOD IS WITH YOU BLESSINGS YOU DAILY. 🙏 🤍
Awww, thank you so much for taking the time to leave me these kind words. It's things like this that keeps me motivated to keep making this content. 💖💖💖
Wow, my addicts is finally living on his own in a boarding house still drinking.but I find myself still calling him and checking on him to see if he is ok..your correct iam just as addicted as he is.thankyou so much for your insight and truth
I needed this. Im at the detachment process. I knew if he wouldn't change, that I had to. thank you* xo
Thank you so much for this video. I’m so addicted to my alcoholic husband. I’m slowly trying to break it and become my old self while helping him. It’s a daily battle for me. However I keep trying.
I get what your saying so much about being addicted to someone,but we do it out of love and forever hoping they can stop and become "normal"again.sending love to you it's so so hard.
Same here. If I tell him positive things, he turns on it. He does something silly. He is going to methadone dr. His first month was awesome. Then he got back on using. He says no, ha he is. We go everyday at 3: 30 we leave takes us over an hour. Then another hr to get him to work on time. We would let him drive, he gets sleepy and it's too much. We meet him 30min from his work so he could drive from there. It's so stressful!
@@tonimarroy1290 that sounds so stressful. I hate that your going through that. It’s hard living with a addict
Radical acceptance it's a horrible disease . Keep yourself safe you deserve respect.
You can't help him. That's part of the con. When your in a close relationship with an alcoholic or drug user, you are simply a means for them to feed their habit.
Dear Buffy, I feel your pain and weep for you and your family! My daughter is 31 and still struggling, and the hurt & anger is truly overwhelming!!! I listen to you Amber often!!! And need to keep on learning...your method has really helped!
When i started getting better and picked myself out of that cycle of his Rollercoaster, he started accusing me of cheating on him and now he uses that as a reason for his addiction getting worse
It is a road that once started cannot be righted. It will eventually lead to separation and the faster you realize, prepare, and work on yourself, the better off you will be. Life is too short to waste it on someone who does not feel the same way about you as you do them.
Same, wow..
I let my addicted 55 yr old brother move in with me a year ago. At least he was clean, calm and kind. It was sad to watch however. He ended up taking his life last month. I can tell you I'm glad I took him in so he at least had a nice, safe place to stay his last year rather than living on the street.
😢
You open my eye about myself and I am going to get Thur this thank you so much
My alcoholic passed away…. But you’re making me so aware of how he damaged me and I damaged myself.
I appreciate the knowledge you impart.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You're so welcome, Patricia! I'm glad these videos are helping you💖
Mines as well left me feeling really guilty angry an traumatized as well
👋 Amber, thank you for explaining this. i am having horrible problems trying to get sympathy from friends who just don't understand how I can be so crazy broken after a 3 year relationship ended 2 months ago. I am completely broken, and trying to pick the pieces of me together, but it's crazy how nobody understands and just tell you : oh but he's not worth it, you should have seen it coming
I have been living with an alcoholic husband for 15 years. Your talk hit home for me. I am crazy! I don't know who I am; what my hobbies are, and what I enjoy because I spend every weekend worrying about my husband drinking and then driving. I am on constant high alert, and it is exhausting, but I feel I need to be on high alert to keep the public safe. I can "detach " from everything except that fear.
I totally get it, Jill! It's hard not to worry when it feels like your house is on fire. Here's a link to my free mini-series on self-care.
Amber, I had to pause the video to write this: Thank you, with all my heart! I've watched your videos since last weekend and I really have to stop myself not to binge watch every video. Some of the things you say I've figured out over time - but you have really opened my eyes in some ways. I've made the mistake of emotionally distancing myself from my husband while setting boundaries. Thanks to your videos I've softened a lot, without my boundaries being stepped on and in return it's helping him to calm down and think. We've still got a long journey ahead of us but the more I learn about addiction and everything that comes with it the more I am able to manage my own ego ( for example, not getting angry or offended if he's lying because it is a symptom). I'm far from perfect - he still sometimes gets to me so bad that I turn into a crazy person, which I'm not proud of.
Do you have a video about what to do when someone threatens to harm himself to get what he wants?
Hi Ari. Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here 💖 Take a look at this video, it's on that topic. ua-cam.com/video/LdiUludA4Fw/v-deo.html
Ugh, I remember when I obsessed over this. With work and self care, I have completely detached myself from this toxic addiction to the addict.
It's such a free feeling. I can not control anything he does. And life is too short to try to convince yourself otherwise.
Would you please share the things you did to help yourself detach
@@TheLisajoyce
Lisa
I to am where you are. I pray and read God's read first thing every morning, make my bed, fix myself breakfast and I've noticed I start my day with peace and courage to handle what life throws at me better. I feel more in control over my emotions. You can raise above this. Blessings to you my friend.
Trying to do this
Spouse also has A D D and traumatic brain injury
It calls in all my caregiving instincts
Very hard to navigate
All I can say is THANK GOD for you!! You are an absolute genius and have helped me SO much 😭🙏💖
Wow! Thank you 😁😁😁💓💓
The strength in your communication is a gift. I just can’t express. This video is brilliant
Thank you. Dating and loving someone with an addiction for four years has been a descent into darkness. I have gone from being a vibrant, self assured, independent and healthy woman, to an insecure, doubting, sad and negative person with a scarcity mindset. I am no longer happy, because I have violated my own standards and boundaries and put up with way, way too much. I ask myself all the time, “What is wrong with me?” “Where is my bottom line? Do I even have one?” “Who is he? He will admit to almost nothing but I find things. I am chasing a ghost and this is a ME problem, whether it started out as one or became one. I am ashamed and becoming more and more isolated. I need help. And the first step is backing up to gain perspective. Thank you for identifying that. I have a lot of work to do.
Im a mother in 🇬🇧 with an alcoholic son and i am in this mess right now. So thank you for this x
Snap.....my son is schizophrenic too, and services here don't give a rats arse about what carers are dealing with. Basically, you really are on your own 😭
The movie "Four Good Days" is absolutely incredible. It's with Glenn Close as a mom with an addicted daughter. Good guideline for healthy boundaries.
Ugggg the story of my life for 15 years. Got rid of him and kicked him out but it still haunts me and I'm still insane.....I hate the person I've become...
You are preaching today, Ashley. So, Amen! 👍 I feel like a hot mess.
Lol it's Amber 😆😇
Missed the live, but the same message I heard from a therapist I was seeing a few years ago. You explained it way better though - the part about being addicted to them. I have realized the parallels between his bargaining and my bargaining. Eye opening. Thanks for all the helpful info you share Amber.
Thanks Robins. Glad it was helpful
And thank you. I was feeling like I was going crazy, acting a fool with his phone and up his butt about what he was doing where he was.... I was like WTF. Then I saw a video, and this one today, that explained it and I felt so much better.
I’m so glad this was helpful, msladyluck!
Wow. This literally describes my relationship with my ex girlfriend. I was obsessed with trying to help her see her addiction (when I started to see it) and absolutely lost myself. That’s when I found this channel. Thanks so much for this information. Feeling so much better since I ended the relationship and distanced myself.
Today has been a ruff day with my husband always tell me it my and he he hates me start listening to you made me realize what I need to do with myself and I'm going to do that I'm going to work myself cuz I know what I want once again I just wanted to tell you thank you
🤚🤚God bless you, Amber. Thank you for continuing to share your wisdom. I am a recovering addict alcoholic almost 6 months sober, living with an active addict. I have been obsessing over my husband's addiction and I am trusting your advice even when I struggle to implement i!!! The struggle is real!!! Thank you for your good, true and strong advice!! Pressing on patiently with hope for self improvement❤🙏🏼
Thank you! I’ve been watching and learning. You are so informative and I’ve tried to get my loved one to listen to you and get help. After a while i realized i was in trouble mentally and emotionally. I have been looking for something from you on this subject. I knew you were so thorough it had to be help on the matter.
Thank you for sharing and helping me realize what i am going through is real. I am taking measures to heal.
Thank you so much for your videos. Just discovered your channel. Living with my grown son who had been addicted for years. It is a total rollercoaster. You described me to a T on this video
This explains everything so well as to exactly what was happening with me in my relationship with my addict husband. I knew he was using and abusive but I didn’t want to believe it could be true and I wanted to believe it could change. Thank you so much for explaining this so well.
You're so welcome. I'm glad this was helpful to you💖
Hats off to YOU! Nailed both aspects of a an Alcoholic/ Codependent Relationship. Two sides of the same coin.
Thank you so very much, as I’m having an epiphany of my past- present - and future. From my Father to my current romantic relationship, at the age of 54 yrs. I’m a therapist, was an Intake Worker at a drug/alcohol rehab, teacher, event marketer, and sales specialist, plus CEO of a manufacturing company. I’ve been familiar and intermittently active within Alateen, Alanon, SLA, Coda, Narcissitic Abuse Survivor, and a continuous. Life long curiosity / learning, constant.
The puzzle pieces that we fill, mark the complexity Alcoholism.. It’s a “Family Disease”, however we define Family. The only disease where the carrier of the disease, expresses the effects and symptoms though those that do not carry the disease of alcoholism. It is crazy and mind ending, concerning the reconditioning, boggling…reconditioning our addiction raised childhood, multi generational, and conditioned behavior training.
Time to learn and relearn it all over again. Daily Maintenance keeps Codependency Manageable. ♥️🤗❣️
Thanks!
Wow! Thank you Monica!
Thank you for your videos! They have helped me SO MUCH! Especially this video, I have felt like a crazy person for the last 2 years but you have helped me make some tough decisions that I should have made a long time ago. Things still aren't easy but my head feels so much clearer.
After over 20 years with my daughter and tried everything, now I'm 62, now maybe not powerless because I won't give up, but now I know I can only love her and be compassionate.
This is absolutely amazing! Your understanding is on such an incredible scale and level! My mind is blown!
Wow, thank you!💖💖💖
My partner is going to rehab next week for the first time, I'm terrified of the change coming, because I know I'll have to heal my own codepence while he's gone. But this video eased my anxiety a little bit today, so thank you for that♥️
I wish you and your partner all the best. 🥰
How's it progressing??
😭😭😭 My husband is an addict of multiple things.. Functioning one but verbally abusive. This is exactly true for me and for him. I've finally stopped the crazy and am numb and ready to start healing and starting self focus to help.
I've heard to work my own recovery & now I totally understand. Thank you.
You are so welcome
i needed this so much today. thank you for all your videos. you have been a god send to me ❤
They have to have a reason to fight, a purpose. Whats very frightening is them completely giving up.
Psychedelics killed my drug and alcohol dependencies - one trip two years ago to purge my depression and chronic anxiety from my system was the best decision I ever made. I've done LSD a few times since, but after my last high dose trip I realized that the medicine has taught me enough for now. I might return to psychedelics later in my life if I ever find a source.
[adamsflakes]
Ships psych's*
@@userconspiracynut how can I contact him? Is it Instagram?
@@brandonDuh47 Yeah, he has variety of stuffs like mushrooms, LSD, DMT even the chocolate bars
The good thing about LSD is its non addictive, the best experience I've EVER had on ANY drug was LSD, I've been so happy my face literally hurt from smiling so much for so many hours, but but once the trip wears off the last thing I'm thinking about is dropping another trip, you need time to recover, the closest I'd ever had trips together were a week apart but usually months or years, having said that it's been 5yrs since the last time but certainly would again given the right time and setting
@@userconspiracynut Thanks I'll order some asap
Today's been a long day I look at myself in the mirror and they see bruises on me totally different person it's not the man that I married when he's on drugs I love him a lot with all my heart but you made me realize what I need to do and own up to my responsibilities so you open my eyes and made me realize what I need to do and I know I'll get through it
Thank you Amber. Very encouraging words and your knowledge of addiction.
You are so welcome!
I needed this, this morning! It’s amazing, I’ve never heard it like this…I’m a mama to an addicted/alcoholic daughter that making me loose my mind. I lost her sister in 2017 to the same thing…so going through this again ….let’s just say I needed this! 🤪 Thank you!😘🙏🏼🌺
You are so welcome, Marilyn ❤️
Powerlessness is only mentioned once in the 12 steps because when you first come into the program your life is so unmanageable and everything you’ve tried on your own has failed royally and you feel like you have no power over the addiction. It was originally created by Dr Bob and Bill W about cravings. Next steps 2-12 are about empowering yourself and learning that you are not powerless that your life will become manageable if you surrender yourself to others for help do these things we suggest-
37:25 So much insight. Thank you so much. God Bless you🙏♥️
How do you talk to a good friend whose 18 year old son is an addict but they continue to enable him?
Great advice
Thank you!
Sorry I missed the live feed today. You hit this one on the nail. Thanks for bringing one to us.
Glad you enjoyed it
I just love your advice. Ive been watching your videos for over two years after having a breakdown due to living with my bf and his alcoholic parents. Recently my bf and I had the biggest fight in our 5 year relationship in september because I could no longer live in the addiction. While living there i dealt with all the issues with his parents as my bfs substitute. I was so stressed out of my mind. My bf had a breakdown and i felt so horrible pushing him to that point but I had been dealing with everything alone. He felt like i was his only stress because i kept complaining about the issues in the house as I was having to deal with them by myself. I had confronted his parents multiple times about these reoccuring issues and my bf and his sister felt it was their house so i shouldnt even say anything I was just a guest. However, I felt if i was just a guess i wouldnt have had to deal with all the bs I dealt with living there. I cleaned things that hadnt been cleaned in years,, would spend hours cleaning the house whenever they would totally mess it up during their drunken tyraids, I got rid of most of the mold i could, bought a majority of the groceries, cleaning supplies, and . When i tol my bf i couldnt stand doing it anymore he would continiously complain to me about how dirty it was. Even when he said I didnt need to clean the other rooms he would tirelessly complain about the floors which we had difficulty keeping the floors clean because the other rooms and hall way we had to walk through was not being maintained.
Talking to my bfs sister about these things were difficult as her dad often lied to her about the state of the house and their drinking. My bf and his sister both felt I had no right to say anything about the situation even though both of them were dealing with any of these issues. His sister moved out do to these exact reasons but over the years it had become way worse especially during the pandemic when their work hours were cut. They would drink every other day and invite friends to drink at their place. Most days I would be sent to watc over his extremely drunk mom when I stopped watching her she would walk out underdressed without shoes to get more drinks. Living with them was extremely stressful for me and extremely lonely. I spent alot of time talking to my bf about it and he would always act defensive and talk about my family. I never deny my family has issues and i left them for my own mental health.
I look all the time for his beer when I get home, it's like I'm obsessed with proving he's drinking even though I know he is. I can't seem to stop myself.
As always, your video really speaks to me. Thank you so much!
Thank you for watching, Debi
Today's been a long day I look at myself in the mirror and they see bruises on me totally different person it's not the man that I married when he's on drugs I love him a lot with all my heart but you made me realize what I need to do and own up to my responsibilities so you open my eyes and made me realize what I need to do and I know I'll get through it 38:22 38:24 😊
I have been both sides!
Me too. And he's trying to come back again and I already tried to help him! He needs rehab! Not me! I will not lose my peace! I worked so hard for it. I'm not going to invite someone to take it from me
This landed on my algorithm for a reason. My addict was the breadwinner I stayed home raised HIS kids my bonus kids. But I left two years ago sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed ? But then I was sick of being alone with him right there! I’d be in the living room alone …but he was the love of my life and now it’s been two years..he punished me for leaving and didn’t talk to me for two years!! Moved in with someone else ha boy it hurts. Being alone is better but he’s my legal husband I miss him
Wow, this is powerful information!
Glad you think so!
Wow. So true. This resonates with me so much. It is so hard for me to talk to friends or family about “regular things” in their life when I feel like a ship is sinking in front of me. But I can’t say anything about it because according to him, it’s not happening. And no one else I know knows about it. Family already hates him and I don’t tell them anything anymore other than that things are fine. His mom used to stand up to him and not enable but now that his dad’s passed, they have some strange dynamic where he’s like “head of the household” while living there and so now she turns a blind eye. He chooses to stay with her when he could be here, with his child as well. He will talk to me all day one day and the next day I won’t hear a word. Those days are the days that make me crazy. I’ve withdrawn from anyone else around me bc it’s all I can think about. I don’t even want to talk to my friends bc I can’t talk about this. Half the time even in friends and family of addict groups they just tell you to leave them and mention that it’s bad for your children (as if we don’t know that, as if I ever allow drugs in my home or see him do it). It’s frustrating and lonely. But what do you do when you love someone so much? And they won’t even admit it? Thank you for this video. It makes me feel “real” in a way to know that someone out there understands. ❤
I am having the same experience.
You help me so much Amber, Thank You. Everything you say is such good, revealing, transforming counsel.
This is me as an enabler 100%. I believe I’m in the process of stopping and stabilizing myself. Due to emotional and verbal abuse. I did have to cut this person out. I agree and it is my hope that when I get well they will get well. Either way, I owe to myself to heal, live and celebrate the life God gave me.